tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23563380.post2807976942718199582..comments2023-10-02T00:28:29.335-07:00Comments on Gay LDS Actor: Firestorm In My FamilyGay LDS Actorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17841236084753512311noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23563380.post-28859796403517711652012-10-07T18:15:04.298-07:002012-10-07T18:15:04.298-07:00Hey, LaTiesha,
(It's weird calling my sister ...Hey, LaTiesha,<br /><br />(It's weird calling my sister by her anonymous blog name - lol)<br /><br />I agree with you that Patrick's email probably had less thought in it than mine did, but even if I was justified in my anger, some of my words were just as hurtful as Patrick's were.<br /><br />Patrick did apologize to me, though, and said that much of his email to me was written for damage control to not discourage Nate and Ellen from leaving. <br /><br />But I was glad to know that I wasn't the only one bothered by Ellen's email. Jonah was certainly upset by it, and it sounds like you as well. Whether she was upset by Ellen's or not, Kayla did indicate that she wasn't offended by mine.<br /><br />I apologized to Nate and Ellen for anything I might have said that hurt them. I was hoping they would apologize to me as well, but I don't think they feel they've done anything wrong. I'm just going to let it go, though. Life's too short to hold grudges or dwell on perceived wrongs. As far as I am concerned, the matter is over and done with. I'm moving on.<br /><br />Today Mom thought she had attended East Midvale Elementary School, and then when I told her she had attended school in San Francisco, she was able to accurately tell me the names of each of her schools and when she moved here and how far apart all of her children are in age. Dementia is such a funny disease.<br /><br />You may be right about Patrick not appreciating my bringing Jonah's family into the mix. Jonah and I also theorize that perhaps Patrick feels guilty that of the four of us, he has spent the least amount of time participating in Mom's care, and maybe as older brother, he feels he should. Would you agree with that?<br /><br />It's funny that you say I will probably be the last one Mom forgets. One of my fears is that my going away will cause her to forget me.<br /><br />I think you cry more than Jonah. But he certainly is a very sensitive soul.<br /><br />I totally agree (and Jonah and I have discussed this much) that Nate and Ellen are young and still have some maturing to do. I wonder what their perspective will be on the situation in 10, 20, or 30 years.<br /><br />I'm not really upset with anyone's email at this point. Like I said, it's over and done with. Hopefully we can all move on in a positive direction that will best benefit Mom.<br /><br />It also turns out that the compensation idea was Patrick and Sunny's suggestion, and Ellen has been wanting to move out for a while, but Nate thinks they should stay a little longer. We'll see what happens.<br /><br />And you're right, as a father, Patrick's first loyalty is probably to his daughter, so I understood why he rushed to her defense and was hoping to diffuse the situation before she even read the email.<br /><br />We all could have managed our words differently. Hopefully we can learn something good from this.<br /><br />Thanks for your love and encouragement and positive thoughts. I love you LOTS, too. <br /><br />And you're right: I need to be with Jonah and I need to delegate better.Gay LDS Actorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17841236084753512311noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23563380.post-43246386212526309352012-10-07T12:25:00.259-07:002012-10-07T12:25:00.259-07:00I stopped reading your blog to write some of my th...I stopped reading your blog to write some of my thoughts to comment before I forgot. And then I sent without finishing.<br />I’m angry too. But I think I’m more sad than angry. I cry a lot. Who cries more? Me or Jonah? <br />And I don’t know that you “sabotaged” anything more than Ellen did in lighting the fire in the first place. How much has our wisdom or maturity increased since we were in our early twenties? I’m not upset with Ellen or her email or your email or even Patrick’s – though I did sense that he wasn’t reading with the same understanding. But then as a father, I’m sure he felt it was his duty to defend Ellen – though I still think he could have handled his words differently – as I guess so could have you – though I still think you write with a great amount of eloquence and wish that Patrick could have understood the thought that you put into it.<br />Jonah is right. Everything will work out. We’re just too close to the situation to see it right now. “In God’s due time . . .” yea, yeah, yeah . . . .<br />Glad to hear that you and Nate and Ellen were able to resolve some issues. Let’s hope Patrick may find the same peace. Let’s hope that we all find peace and comfort.<br />Love you LOTS!!!!<br />Hang in there. You are not alone. You need to spend time with Jonah. You need to delegate.<br />LCannonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02219524078435202602noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23563380.post-64396696063448435592012-10-07T11:52:32.295-07:002012-10-07T11:52:32.295-07:00You don’t have to print this in its entirety – if ...You don’t have to print this in its entirety – if you choose to publish any of this email at all.<br /><br />The introduction to your last email stated that you had prayed, revised, pondered and changed the contents of your email time and time again. There’s proof in the three day period that took place between Ellen’s email and your email whereas there was a space of less than four hours between yours and Patrick’s – which indicated to me that he did not ponder your email nor did he pray about his response. His reaction to your email was much like yours and mine were to Ellen’s. You aren’t the only one who was rubbed the wrong way.<br /><br />You are the primary care giver and have been. True, there are things that Nate and Ellen do for mom that Kayla and I don’t do – such as yard work and keep of the house. But I KNOW that Sunny, Kayla and I have ALL conversed with mom. Jenna and I have played games with her. Oft times we will have actual conversations. There are some days when it is null – not because of our lack of efforts – but because the dementia has robbed mom of her mind. <br /><br />Though there is a family picture hanging on her wall with Sunny and dad in the same photo, she somehow believes that she has raised the four of us on her own – and dad’s death took place long before it did.<br /><br />I may be stepping over the line with this next assumption, but I’m also believing that part of Patrick’s problem is that you have consulted with Jonah and somehow brought his family into it. He has a problem utilizing mom’s ward family. You would think in his position he might have a different understanding. Whatever.<br /><br />Don’t feel guilty, Cody. You have done so much. I suspect you will be the last one that mom forgets.<br />LCannonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02219524078435202602noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23563380.post-52029446777408606942012-10-07T11:08:19.202-07:002012-10-07T11:08:19.202-07:00Thanks, Duck and Dean, for your comments.
I don&#...Thanks, Duck and Dean, for your comments.<br /><br />I don't wish to give the impression that my siblings don't do their part. They do a lot, and without them, this would have been much harder. I am just emotionally drained of late and am venting. I never want to give the impression that I'm doing all of this by myself because that isn't true. <br /><br />And unlike Jonah and me, everyone else has kids. Two of my siblings have declared bankruptcy. So it's a tough time for all.<br /><br />But as Jonah reminds me, just because we don't have kids doesn't mean that these sacrifices of being apart haven't been difficult for us. Nor does it mean that as spouses, we have every right to be together as any of my other siblings.<br /><br />But ultimately, it has been my choice to stay here and help Mom, and I have taken on the consequences of that choice.<br /><br />Unfortunately, Duck, it is not feasible at this time for Jonah to move here. In an ideal world, I would love that, but Jonah also has his parents to care for. Our house is underwater due to the bad housing market, so we would lose money if we were to sell it. Plus we would have a ton of stuff and three cats to figure out how to deal with. And Jonah, who works in the costume industry, is more apt to find a job where we are than here in Utah. We have talked about moving to Utah in the future, but it's just not possible at the moment.<br /><br />My siblings and I are also trying to get the church more involved in helping my mom out, and if my niece and nephew stay until at least June, at least we know Mom will be watched over for a little while longer. But we should come up with a long-term plan.<br /><br />Unfortunately, dementia has no magic answer. :-(<br /><br />Thank you, Dean, for your kind words. It is true that I have been overwhelmed, and it's kind of reached a head. I do think it's probably true that my family has come to rely on my being here too much, and that's partly my own fault. But I again reiterate that they really do a lot to shoulder the load.<br /><br />The bottom line is that no matter how hard it may be, I need to let go of Mom's care (for a while at least) and concentrate on my relationship with Jonah. I need to trust that my family will continue to give my mother the best care they possibly can and do what I am able to do for Mom from where I am.<br /><br />I think my siblings are very supportive of my relationship with Jonah. If anybody doesn't think it's as valid, it might be my brother, but he has never left me with that impression.<br /><br />I agree that grandchildren shouldn't dispose of a grandparent's possessions unless it's a safety hazard, which it's not. In talking with them, I feel they want to better prepare the house for the eventuality when Mom will one day leave, either by choice, by necessity, or by death.<br /><br />I understand the practicality of that desire, but I don't agree that it's their place to do so.<br /><br />I also agree that the $500 a month fee is reasonable. I think in my letter I was a little defensive about it because I was protective of my Mom's finances, which are still hers even if she does have this disease. I thought, "How do we explain to my mom that she is paying someone to stay with her rather than the reverse when she doesn't even recognize she even has a problem?"<br /><br />But in retrospect, I agree that the $500 a month is probably something that should be paid to protect and care for her. And really, my niece and nephew are in the best position right now to currently care for her.<br /><br />Thank you for your advice and words. I appreciate them.<br /><br />And, yes, "aging sucks!" lol<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Gay LDS Actorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17841236084753512311noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23563380.post-26645289412321815342012-10-06T22:55:17.755-07:002012-10-06T22:55:17.755-07:00So sorry - I missed the addendum about things work...So sorry - I missed the addendum about things working out with your niece and nephew - wonderful news.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17848197238675003339noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23563380.post-79208682885647400552012-10-06T22:52:23.297-07:002012-10-06T22:52:23.297-07:00I apologize in advance for the long response. Her...I apologize in advance for the long response. Here are some thoughts that I hope will help:<br /><br />1. I think you have been overwhelmed since you have been your mom's primary care giver for so long with apparently limited assistance from your siblings. I have only read your blog for a couple of months, but I believe you are a wonderful person. Your family may have become too comfortable with you shouldering the bulk of the burden. <br /><br />2. I think it is time for your siblings to pick up the slack. How they do that is primarily up to them. It will probably be very hard for you to let go, but I hope you will be able to do that so your siblings can assume their responsibilities.<br /><br />3. Family dynamics are challenging. I don't know all of the dynamics, but it is possible that your married siblings do not consider your relationship with Jonah to be as important. If that is they case, they are wrong. Jonah has sacrificed by supporting your decision to care for your mom these many months. Loving relationships are hard to find. The two of you have every right to nourish your relationship, and that means you now need to be together.<br /><br />4. I don't think grandchildren have the right to dispose of their grandma's property even if they think it is clutter. That is your mom's decision along with assistance as needed (based on her dimentia) from her children, as long as the "clutter" does not create a hazard. Likewise, I think grandchildren generally have a secondary responsibility for care unless they received primary care from your mom, so I can understand how they might expect to do less. I hope they accept your apology.<br /><br />5. The proposed cost of $500 per month is very reasonable even considering the other concessions the grandchildren are receiving. My mom's assisted living care started around $4,500 per month and ended at $6,000 per month as her physical health deteriorated before she passed away. That said, money is not the only factor in the decision.<br /><br />6. My mom initially refused to consider community aging resources, but my brother-in-law had done prior research for his mother. He found a couple of services that mom would accept which reduced the burden on the family and the cost of her care center.<br /><br />I really, really apologize if I have said anything that is out of line or misunderstood your situation. Please forgive me if that is the case. <br /><br />Again, you are a wonderful person. You have my prayers. It is so hard to watch parents age. My very religious, proper, and prim mom summed it up best one day at age 86 when she said, "Aging sucks."Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17848197238675003339noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23563380.post-43976111485595971362012-10-06T22:10:15.310-07:002012-10-06T22:10:15.310-07:00You carry a heavy load. I can understand fully you...You carry a heavy load. I can understand fully your frustrations with your niece and nephew. And, other family members. It is hard to be the one on whom everyone counts. You also need support.<br /><br />Would it be realistic, or even feasible, for you and Jonah to move into your mother's home full-time? It seems that much of your work is here. I am sorry, I am not remembering what Jonah's work is. Maybe, you could hire home healthcare to come in a few times a week to help take some of the "emotional pressure" off of you? If your siblings are dragging their feet to help, maybe there are people in the community, or church, who are more willing and able to help?<br /><br />I truly am sorry that things are so hard: your mom's dementia is not fair, the demands on you from your family are unfair, being away from the one you love and the one who loves you is unfair, etc. etc. etc. I wish I had the magic answer for you.<br /><br />Sending love and good energy your way. :) DuckDuckhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02551782459346523291noreply@blogger.com