Gay LDS Actor

Devastating

2012-02-05T20:53:00.000-08:00

I'm a pretty trusting person. I tend to believe people at their word. If someone swears he or she is telling the truth, I tend to take him or her at face value. I'm an honest person, so I just naturally assume that everyone else is. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. I like to think that people are basically good even when there are many that are not. Sometimes I get burned because of this trait.

I admit it; I gave OJ Simpson the benefit of the doubt right after his ex-wife was murdered. I gave Bill Clinton the benefit of the doubt when he said he absolutely did not have sexual relations with that woman. I just initially believe in the concept of "innocent until proven guilty." Of course, when I see a guy on a low-speed chase in a white Bronco or find out there's an intern out there with a semen-stained dress, then you've broken my trust and I'm looking at you with more suspicious eyes.

I remember wanting both OJ and Bill to be innocent, but ultimately the facts made it evident (to me) that they weren't. Bill finally admitted his guilt (sort of) and even though OJ never did, I just have a hard time believing his innocence.

My point is, I tend to think the best of people, and sometimes my naive belief that people are basically honest is tested greatly by those who aren't. Nevertheless, I do tend to still give people the benefit of the doubt no matter how many people betray that desire.

Which brings me to Josh Powell. Josh Powell, for those of you who don't know, was under suspicion for the disappearance of his wife, Susan Powell, who vanished in December of 2009 under very odd circumstances.

I remember seeing the interview Josh Powell did with 2News Utah after his wife was discovered missing. I remember thinking at the time, "This guy is lying. That is flimsiest story I've ever heard, and that guy is not behaving the way I would think a man whose wife has gone missing would behave." Me, the guy who almost always gives people the benefit of the doubt, immediately felt this guy was guilty.

Of course, I didn't know for sure that he was guilty, but his actions following his wife's disappearance seemed so out-of-character for an innocent man. I've always thought Josh Powell was bad news and always felt he knew the truth about what happened to his wife.

This latest news is so tragic to me and yet, unfortunately not surprising. Shocking yes, but not surprising. Josh Powell always seemed to me as someone who likely killed his wife. The fact is, even though I believe he had something to do with his wife's disappearance, I do not know for sure that he did, and I do not know if that played into the reason why he chose to take his own life as well as those of his two innocent sons. But whether he was responsible for his wife's disappearance and probable death, I do know he killed his two sons, and that is so upsetting.

Regardless, my heart is broken for the poor Cox family, who now may never know exactly what happened to their daughter now that the only man who likely knew of her whereabouts is dead. And now they and Josh's family as well must now endure the loss of these two young, innocent boys.

It's so depraved. Josh Powell often said his children always came first in his life. It appears to me only one person came first in Josh's life: Josh.

I'm so disappointed and upset by this. I wish the police could have found some solid evidence against Josh (or someone else) so that this heartless act could have been avoided.

I think my gut was probably right about Josh. But even my gut wasn't prepared for this.

Ugh.

My Audition And Possible Decisions...or The Party's Over

2012-02-02T19:24:00.000-08:00

I had an audition today. It was not my best. First of all, I didn't particularly want to go. I already have a job lined up that conflicts with the productions I auditioned for. My main reason for going to the audition was to have another job contact to meet my unemployment benefit requirements, but the fact of the matter is that if I get the job I auditioned for today, it would be wiser financially to take it and tell the theater producing the show I've already booked that I need to back out (more on that momentarily).

The other reason I didn't feel the audition went as well as it could have was that I've been fighting a cold since Sunday. In fact, on Sunday it felt like the flu. I feel like I'm getting over it, but my voice was certainly not at its best today. We were asked to pick two contrasting songs in the styles of the shows we were auditioning for. I didn't feel either of the songs I eventually sung were quite right. I had originally had two other, more challenging and more appropriate, songs picked out, but my voice just wasn't cooperating today, and so I picked the ones I thought would be easier to sing with my cold. In fact, even to the very minute before I entered the room, I was still vacillating between songs.

It was an open call that began at 9:30 AM. I arrived at about 10:00 AM. There were quite a few people there, and the particular facility we auditioned at was not made for that many people. It was quite claustrophobic and there was nowhere to sit. However, about 95% of the people there were non-union, and rules dictate that union members are to be seen before non-union, so after only ten minutes my name was called. Most days, belonging to Actors' Equity really pays, and today was certainly no exception. It was so great to just breeze on through.

I sung my first song, which I've done many, many times, but for some reason I tripped over some words. My voice held out pretty well, but it was not the best. It was a comic, character piece, and the director laughed, so that was nice. He asked to hear my other selection, which is a good sign; it means they liked what you did enough to want to hear more.

My second piece was a pop ballad; not entirely appropriate for the shows for which I was auditioning, but the only pop piece in my repertoire that I felt I could sing well enough with my vocal issues.

Frankly, I thought it was terrible. I emoted well and acted the message of the song reasonably well, but I just felt my voice wasn't up to snuff. It felt strained to me, and I assumed that's how it sounded. So I was truly surprised when the director asked me to attend both the dance call at 1:30 PM as well as the callback at 3:00 PM.

I was given some sides to look at and a snippet of a song from one of the shows to learn. The director seemed pleased with my audition. I was also happy that I was being looked at for some character roles that wouldn't require as much dancing in a couple of shows that I know will have a lot of dancing.

I went back home and told Jonah how it had gone. Jonah told me if they offered me a part, I should take it. I reminded Jonah that the rehearsals for these shows and the rehearsals for the job I've currently booked conflicted and that I couldn't do both. Jonah pointed out that the job I auditioned for today is a 27 week contract at $710 a week while the other show I've booked is $835 for only six weeks. That's $19,170 (before taxes) vs. $5010. Plus 27 weeks of work is more than enough for me to qualify for another year of really good health insurance. It seems like a no-brainer.

Trouble is, the show I'm already booked for is a show I've been wanting to do for years, and this would be the first time I've had the opportunity. It's also our artistic director's last show at this theater, and I would be working with some good friends in a really top-notch production. It's also a more serious piece, which is something I'm trying to do more of.

One of the shows I auditioned for today has a pretty cheesy script. It's a harmless show, but not particularly satisfying artistically. The other show I think would be fun and at least has something to say, but it's not really what I'd rather do. Also, the schedule sounds like a grind and the shows are performed in an outdoor theater in the hot summer sun by a company who I haven't been entirely impressed with.

Normally I would choose art over money any day of the week. What makes this particularly challenging is that Jonah's show, where he has worked for six years, will be closing in September, so he will be out of a job in just seven months. Jonah's job pays really well and the chances of him finding a job that pays equally as well as this one does, even in the entertainment industry, are very rare.

Jonah and I often joke that he's my "sugar daddy," but there is some truth in that. The fact is, it is because of Jonah's job and incredible salary that I have been able to go off and do the kind of work I want to do or work jobs that pay a lower salary. Jonah pays the majority of our utility bills while I am away because he has been able to do so. That will end soon. I have to face up to the fact that I will have to be more prudent about which jobs I accept, and I may even have to try to find more permanent and secure, perhaps even non-acting, work here at home to maintain some stability in our finances.

While the creative part of me doesn't want to take the jobs I auditioned for today should they be offered to me, the practical part of me thinks it's absolutely necessary to do so. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

After we talked about the possibility of getting this job, Jonah made me some hot tea for my voice, and I plunked out this song I had to learn (one which I was previously completely unfamiliar with) and went over my lines for the parts I was asked to learn (and also discovered that I had accidentally been given two identical pages rather than the two different pages I was supposed to get. Fortunately, I am a quick study of lines, so I wasn't too worried.

Soon, I left to reach the dance studio at 1:30 for the dance call. I got there at about 1:05 PM. No one was around but a couple of people. I assumed everyone had gone to lunch and would be back at 1:30 PM. Soon 1:30 rolled around and still no one. I checked in the nearby dance studio and discovered that the dance call has actually started at 1:00 and that I had been told the wrong time. The stage manager apologized for the mistake and, after consulting with the director, told me they would just see me move at the callback at 3:00.

I was able to watch everyone else do the dance that had been learned, and it looked pretty challenging. I thought I could get it, but was annoyed I had missed out on having it broken down for me.

Dancing is always where I get cut. I'm a good actor and decent singer, but if the dancing is hard, I'm out. It's just not my forte. I make up for it by being a very good character actor. I've been in numerous shows with heavy, intricate dancing where I was the non-dancing comic relief because that's what I excel at.

I was kind of thankful I had missed the dance call because I think I would have been among the weaker dancers there, and that probably would have lessened my chances, but I was nervous I would have to learn the whole routine and dance it on my own, which in many ways is worse.

After everyone danced (and I watched), we were asked to wait until we were called to read. I was finally able to get the missing page they hadn't initially given me and study it.

I was paired with another guy, who fortunately was also a good character actor. We went over our scenes and practiced the song. After a while, we were finally called in and we read the scene for the first show, which I thought went reasonably well. It wasn't my strongest performance, but it was pretty good, and the director seemed happy.

Then we were told to sing the song individually. It was a three-part song, and the high part was written for a tenor, not a baritone, which is what I am, but the director wanted us to sing the melody (the high part), so we each did. First of all, it was higher than I normally sing, and second, this pesky cold made it harder to do so. I think on a normal day, I would have sang it fine, but I did strain on the highest note. To my credit, I think I still sang it very well, and as it was a character song, I was able to show off that skill.

Again, to my ears it wasn't my best, but the director seemed very happy with it, so what do I know. I'm my own worst critic, after all.

After we both sang, the other guy was excused, and I read my parts for the other show, which was great because they were all very different characters, and I am a good cold reader, so I really think I knocked it out of the park. The director seemed very pleased and said thank you.

I asked if they still wanted me to move. He said, "No, I don't think so. The characters we're looking at you for don't need to be great dancers." Ah, music to my ears! However, just as I was leaving, the choreographer asked if she might teach me a very simple combination just to see how well I moved. What she taught me was so easy, especially compared to the dance combination I had seen earlier. I was able to learn it quickly and did it well, so now I was really happy I had missed the dance call.

Anyway, they thanked me and said I did a good job. I don't know if I'll get it or not, but I thought the audition went much better than I had any reason to believe it would.

I guess we'll see what happens. It's not my dream job, but it would still be an acting gig and a good-paying one at that. I've never backed out of a job before and don't really relish doing so, but the fact is I haven't signed an official contract for the other job, and people in this industry back out of jobs for better gigs all the time. Jonah and I also eventually would like to move out of house and into one in a better neighborhood. This job I auditioned for today would make that more likely. I guess I'll cross that bridge when and if I get there.

Taking A Break

2012-01-29T21:28:00.000-08:00

I always said I would continue attending my LDS wards as long as I felt it was working for me. I'm not sure that it is anymore. Surprisingly, it has less to do with the fact that my participation is limited (although that does play into it) and more to do with the fact that I just don't feel as inspired or engaged or connected as I would hope to be when attending worship services.

As I've been "outside the box" Mormon-wise, so to speak, these past two and a half years it's allowed me to see the religion in which I grew up with different eyes. While some meetings and classes I've attended since my excommunication have spiritually uplifted me, I find the majority of the time I feel bored and unengaged. Whether this is the fault of the speakers and teachers in the meetings or whether it's my own fault (or whether it's a combination of the two), I do not know, but it's how I've been feeling.

Admittedly, the ward I attend when I'm in Utah is one I feel more connected to and inspired by, probably because it's the ward I grew up in. My ward here at home has left me feeling a little cold. The people have been nice and welcoming, but I have found the meetings and classes unbearably uninspiring since I've been back.

It truly doesn't help that I can't comment in class. I miss sharing thoughts, and frankly, I'm tired of just listening. I've done it very diligently for two and a half years now, and it's just not enough for me anymore. And as welcoming as everyone is, I just don't feel as involved as I would like to be.

This doesn't mean I won't still attend my Mormon wards. I think I would miss it if I didn't. But I don't think I will be attending as regularly as I have been.

I recently read something on In These Gay Mormon Shoes that kind of expressed some of my feelings:

"...I have come to the realization over time that I am part of two worlds that cannot coexist. One must prevail over the other. This is not something I would have accepted as I began this journey of mine. I had to discover it on my own. But the truth is, I cannot have both. I can either build a life and family with a man I truly love, or I can be an active, participating member of the church. I have experienced some of both in my life.

"I grew up in the church. I was someone members would speak of fondly and praise. I served a 2 year mission... The Church has been the bulk of my life experiences. I have many fond memories. I have also fallen in love...

"I would never give up the chance to love and be loved the way that I have experienced for anything. And I have only had a glimpse of what this life could be like. I would never forfeit love for a religion that would have me deny it. And so my choice is clear. I choose love over Mormonism. And if I am to be punished by some invisible being for loving someone, shame on that being for crushing something so beautiful. I do not wish to be part of an organization that actively fights to deny me my happiness. I will not support a church that attacks my family."

His thoughts are not exactly my thoughts, but he does express much of what I feel. I love Jonah. I still love and even respect the religion I grew up in. It is still and will always be an important part of my life. And I am not abandoning it. But I feel like I need to step away from it a bit.

I don't feel the need to attend another religion, either. And I know I will still attend my LDS wards when I feel the need. But I just am not feeling as fulfilled by attending church as I feel I should be. And, yes, it's true that no matter how welcome specific individuals make me feel, it's hard to feel welcome and supported in an organization that won't let me speak my truth and which doesn't approve of the relationship that brings me such happiness and joy.

There are some that may feel disappointed by my decision and I'm sure others who will think, "It's about time! What took him so long?"

I wanted it to work. I wanted to be both Mormon and gay. I wanted the two worlds to coexist in peace and harmony. But like In These Gay Mormon Shoes says, they really can't. That ideal doesn't exist. I thought I could make it work for me, and for a while I did, but it just doesn't feel like it's working anymore, so I'm taking a break.

Jonah and Cody's California Adventure

2012-01-23T22:32:00.000-08:00

Warning: Long post ahead.

Jonah and I took a trip to California this past week. It was so much fun. It was especially fun because we went to several places we had not been together before as a couple or, in several cases, at all.

We left on Monday at 6:00 AM, which is quite an early hour for me personally, but we wanted to get to our destination at a reasonable time. I was impressed we actually left in time. Jonah is not always known for getting out of the house when we say we’re leaving, but we got out on time this time.

Our first destination was Cambria, where we would be staying for the next two nights. I used to work as an actor in Bakersfield, California and in Oceano, California many years ago, and some friends and I went to Cambria, and I found it charming and thought Jonah would enjoy it. I drove most of the way. We actually passed through Bakersfield on the way, and the drive was fun because it was a route I hadn’t been on in years. Jonah indulged me, and we stopped in Bakersfield to check out the theater where I used to work as well as the nearby house I lived in.

It was fun to visit my old stomping grounds after such a long time away, but it also made me feel sad and nostalgic. The theater where I used to work closed years ago and has housed several businesses since, including a carpet store and a convention house, which is what it is today. So it was sad to see this once vibrant theater no longer in existence. And all my friends who used to work with me are spread across the country now in such places as Florida, Colorado, Missouri, Montana, New York, California, and even the Philippines, and we may never work together or even see each other again. The lady who I rented from has long since died, and someone else lives in the house now. This place was filled with such lovely times and memories, and going back again felt weird because I knew it was a part of my past that was just that: in the past.

Still, it was fun to visit, and I got Jonah to take a photo of me in front of what used to be the theater.

About six hours into the trip, I was getting tired, so I had Jonah drive, which he did. Ironically, it had been pretty straight driving the whole way, and Jonah's leg of the trip was a very curvy road, so I was kind of glad I managed to avoid that.

Our inn in Cambria was quite quaint and charming,

although the guy who checked us in seemed a little odd. Harmless, but odd. Our room was quite spacious, although the heater didn’t work, so it was a bit chilly…for Jonah. I thought it was nice.

Jonah and I looked at a few of the shops. Jonah likes to antique shop, so it was a nice chance for him to do that while I tagged along. After a bit of window shopping in the town’s charming shops, we ate at a nearby restaurant. We were both pretty tired, so we went back to the hotel to relax. We ended up watching Betty White’s 90th birthday celebration on NBC.

The next day we headed to Hearst Castle. Neither of had ever been, and I didn’t really know what to expect. Hearst Castle is an estate where William Randolph Hearst had built a retreat that he loved on a mountainside overlooking the coast.

When we got to the visitor center, we looked around in the gift shop a bit and the caught a bus which took us up the mountain to the estate. I will say this: one job I never want is the bus driver at Hearst Castle. The drive is on a very, very curvy road (deliberately curvy), and it goes very high up. One false move, and you could send a bus tumbling down the mountain. The drivers were very good going both up and down, but the ride still made me a bit nervous. Luckily, the pre-recorded voice of Alex Trebek was giving us a tour, so that kept my mind off the fact that if the bus driver slipped up, we could all die. I can’t imagine what the drive must have been like during the estate’s heyday in the 20s and 30s. I don’t even think the road was paved then.

The estate itself was absolutely gorgeous. The estate was nicknamed "La Cuesta Encantada" ("The Enchanted Hill"), and it really was. It took 28 years to build and was never completed. There’s a main house and three smaller houses each with a different view as their focus. There’s also a massive swimming pool as well as a tennis court and underground pool. There are gardens and statues, an airstrip, and a movie theater. There used to be animals roaming the estate. I think it has 56 bedrooms. Cary Grant, who holds the record as Hearst Castle’s most frequent visitor, asked to be put in a different bedroom each time he visited, and he never did end up staying in enough of them to see them all.

In its heyday Hearst Castle was host to such celebrities as Charlie Chaplin, Clark Gable, Charles Lindbergh, Howard Hughes, Winston Churchill, and George Bernard Shaw, among others. Hearst would sit in the middle of the dining room table, and guests would be seated near him. The further away you were from him indicated his interest (or lack thereof) in conversing with you, and if you were at the end of the table, you had probably overstayed your welcome.

The view from the estate was absolutely amazing. The ocean on one side, mountains on another. The gardens were so beautiful. All sorts of flowers and trees. Fruit trees, cypress trees, palm trees, oak trees, rose bushes, hyacinths, tulips, marigolds, lilies, and so many others. Statues everywhere.

The architecture was really interesting, too. Spanish, Baroque, Renaissance, Gothic, and Roman influences can be found. Huge fireplaces, antique furniture, tapestries, fine art, carved ceilings and walls, luxurious settings. It was so beautiful and extravagant. I was really glad we went.

We took a tour of the main house. The tour guide seemed a little condescending to me, but the tour was still interesting. After the tour, we were free to roam the grounds at our leisure.

After we finished walking around the grounds, we headed back on another possibly treacherous bus ride down the mountain back to the visitor center. We checked out some exhibits and then watched a movie about William Randolph Hearst and Hearst Castle. It was pretty interesting.

Next, we took a ride up the coast. Our original plan was to check out a nearby lighthouse, but it was closed, so we only caught a glimpse of it. Instead, we continued up the coast. As we continued to drive, the voyage became more curvy and uphill and a little scary. It was fine on this sunny day with my little car, but I can’t imagine trying to drive it in the rain or fog or with a bigger vehicle. We could have driven farther, but ended up turning around and stopping in a scenic area called Ragged Point.

There was a trail going down to a beach, but it was way too steep for Jonah's and my liking, plus hiking back up would have been awful, so we didn’t go down (although we saw a middle-aged couple attempting it, one of whom almost fell twice. We thought they were crazy.

Jonah and I drove back to Cambria. On the way we stopped at a vista point to look at the hundreds of elephant seals on the beach. I’d never seen one before. There were a whole bunch of them, and it was birthing season, too, so there were all these baby elephant seals as well. The adult ones were huge and made such interesting noises. As an actor, I thought it would be an interesting character study to base on character on their movements and sounds.

When we got to Cambria, we ate at a Mexican restaurant and then browsed a shop or two. We took a brief rest and then headed to San Luis Opisbo. On the way, we passed Morro Bay, which I visited many years ago and quite liked. It was fun to see it again. The coastal drive was so beautiful, and we saw a gorgeous sunset over the ocean.

In San Luis Opisbo, we went to Barnes and Noble and browsed for a bit and bought some games that were on clearance. Then we went to the movie theater and watched The Iron Lady. We both felt that the script meandered and didn’t really shed any new light on Margaret Thatcher, but that Meryl Streep’s performance was incredible. I didn’t feel the movie enlightened me on who Margaret Thatcher was, and so in that respect, I was disappointed.

We also drove to Oceano, another town where I had worked as an actor many years ago. We stopped by the theater where I used to work. At that late hour, I didn’t expect to find anyone there, but when we got there, I could hear them rehearsing. The sad part was that a couple of friends of mine still work there, but the doors were locked, and I didn’t want to disturb the rehearsal, so I never got a chance to see them. Oh, well.

I drove us back to Cambria, and we went to sleep pretty quickly. It was actually colder in Cambria than I had expected. I even had to scrape frost off my windows in the morning.

The next day we drove to Long Beach, again taking a route I had never driven. It was quite a beautiful drive, some of it coastal, providing ocean views, and other parts took us through a forested, mountain area. It was quite lovely, although I think I need to get my brakes checked. The car was kind of shaking when I was braking going down hills. It’s probably my rotors.

I was happy we didn’t encounter too much heavy traffic during our entire trip, although the LA freeway system is always an adventure. In Long Beach, we slept aboard the Queen Mary, a ship originally commissioned in 1936, but is now a hotel. The ship has a rich history. It was built is Scotland and was considered the ultimate in luxury in its heyday. It sailed from 1936 to 1967. During World War II, she was used by servicemen as a troop ship, and Winston Churchill was a frequent guest aboard the ship. It’s quite large.

Our cabin was what used to be a second-class passenger cabin. It was a little small for Jonah's taste. He’s a bit claustrophobic. But I liked it very much. The portholes opened, so that was kind of cool. The bathroom was teeny and the toilet made a gurgling noise when it flushed. I found it kind of charming.

We rested a bit and then headed to Hollywood to try and get tickets in the lottery for Wicked. We got there a bit early (traffic was not as bad as we thought it would be), so we headed down the Walk of Fame over to Grauman’s Chinese Theatre and the Kodak Theater. We explored some of the shops and took some pictures. Jonah bought some things at Hot Topic.

I found it funny that as we were walking back to the Pantages Theater, where Wicked was playing, I was thinking to myself, “I wouldn’t mind living here.” At that very moment, Jonah exclaimed, “I don’t think I could live here. This life is too crazy, everybody’s hustling for something.” He’s right, and I probably wouldn’t be happy there long term. I know Jonah wouldn’t be.

We didn’t win the lottery for Wicked tickets, but we were able to buy normally expensive tickets for only $45 each, so it was still a nice deal.

The Pantages Theater was really interesting. I’d never been inside. It’s all done in Art Deco style, which I have always liked. I thought it was really quite fascinating. I wish I could have taken pictures in the theater itself, but they didn’t allow that.

I thought the performances in Wicked were quite terrific. The actresses playing Glinda and Elphaba were really great, both singing and acting-wise. The actor playing Fiyero was quite a good dancer. I thought the actress playing Glinda, Katie Clarke (who also was terrific as Clara in the “Live from Lincoln Center” of The Light in the Piazza), had really sharp comic timing and of course, a fabulous voice. The actress playing Elphaba was amazing. Really great cast.

I had never seen Wicked and only knew a bit about the story. I found Stephen Schwartz’s score to be uneven. Some of the songs were quite good, but some, I felt, were lacking. It was a well-done production, but I’m not sure the show itself lives up to its hype. There were some really great effects, and much of the script was good, but other parts felt weak to me. The second act, in particular, was a bit problematic in my opinion.

The script was more humorous than I had expected, and the show’s ending was unexpected. In short, it was a fun show performed by a really great cast, but it’s not my favorite musical. Certainly not my least favorite, either. We had a good time. It was worth seeing.

Jonah drove us back to the Queen Mary. Neither of us see that great at night nor are we particularly familiar with the freeway system in LA, so the ride home was a bit tense and scary at times. Still, we got back to the hotel safely.

Jonah didn’t like all the creaky sounds of the old ship, but I kind of enjoyed it. I felt it gave it character.

The next day we ate a breakfast buffet aboard the Queen Mary and then we explored the ship a bit. We also took a tour that dealt with the supposedly haunted areas of the ship. It was interesting, but I was expecting more. Still, it was fun to see the ship’s propeller and the engine room.

After the tour, Jonah went back to the room to rest while I explored the ship on my own. It’s a large ship, but it was fun to just wander around, not even knowing where I was going. Lots to explore, and I imagined what it was like to be a passenger aboard it during its heyday. I was glad they were pumping old-time music from the period. It made it feel more authentic.

I returned to the room, and I fell asleep. After I woke up, Jonah and I went to a nearby restaurant area called The Pike, where we saw a movie. Jonah chose Joyful Noise, which I was skeptical about. It looked cheesy to me. There was some fun music, but the movie itself was mess. Terrible script, undeveloped characters, and the movie didn’t seem to know what it wanted to be. Even Jonah admitted the movie wasn’t very good.

After the movie, we went to Famous Dave’s for some dinner. I had some really good salmon.

We went back to the Queen Mary and went to bed. The next day, we drove to Buena Park to go to Knott’s Berry Farm, where I had not been for probably 20 or so years. It had changed a bit since I had last been there. I again felt nostalgic because it reminded me of when my family went there when I was little or when I last attended the park on a high school trip.

The first roller coaster we rode was called the GhostRider. It was a wooden coaster and looked fun, but was quite jerky. It was fun, but really tweaked both of our bodies a bit.

We also rode the Silver Bullet, which was crazy, but a lot of fun; Montezuma’s Revenge, which made me a little nauseous when it went backwards; the Jaguar, which was a very bland coaster; the Pony Express, which was fun – I think it was Jonah's favorite; the Boomerang, which also made me a bit sick because it went backwards; and the Xcelerator, which was my favorite coaster. It was so fast and went directly up and down, it seemed. I thought it was a blast. Jonah wouldn’t go on it. His chest was hurting, and he thought the speed of the coaster would hurt it more. He was probably right, but I was sad he missed it.

I also rode the Supreme Scream, which takes you 254 feet in the air and then drops you. It was a little scary, but thrilling. I wanted to ride the Windseeker, which takes you 300 feet up, but it spins while you’re up there, and spinning rides make me nauseous. It was more the spinning than the height that made me not go on it.

We rode the bumper cars, the Sky Cabin (which I remembered from when I was a child), and the train, too. I didn’t go on any twisting or spinning rides, although there were several we could have gone on. We didn’t go on any water rides, either. Two were closed, and it was too cold to ride the other.

We watched a show called the Mystery Lodge. It was focused on Native American culture and had some really cool special effects and kind of a cool message. I was a bit skeptical when it started, but I really enjoyed it. We also saw the Stunt Show, which was a bit cheesy, but had some fun stunts.

We had lunch at the Ghost Town Grill. It was pretty good. We explored some of the shops as well. I was amazed at how few people were in the park. We got on all the rides quite easily and quickly. It was a great time to go.

We actually left the park fairly early. We had done everything we wanted to do and decided to call it a day as far as the amusement park was concerned.

We rested for a bit and then went to Downtown Disney to window shop a bit and then had dinner at the Cheesecake Factory and then went back to our hotel.

The next day we went to Orange to an area where there are a lot of antique shops, including a really high-end one with beautiful furniture. Antique shopping is more Jonah's thing, so after a while everything started to blend together and I got a little bored, but it is fun to look at various things. I also found a record I have been looking for for a long time in a local record store, so that was nice.

After we ate lunch and explored a few more shops, Jonah drove us out of the LA area while I slept, and then we switched places in Barstow, and I drove us back home. It was a splendid vacation. We had a great time. We spent a bit more money than I would have liked, but it was worth spending some really quality time together.

Our cats missed us a lot. Trooper, the one who likes me best was being a bit of a pill, but it didn’t take her long to forgive us for being gone so long.

Now we’re home, and it’s back to reality. I have a job interview on Tuesday. I’m hoping something will come out of it. I guess we’ll see.

Jobs And New Adventures

2012-01-11T17:12:00.000-08:00

Today is a down day for me. Not sure why. Sometimes I get like this when I am unemployed. I've been looking for a "normal" job in between acting gigs, and in my efforts, I have been reminded that I have few "real world" skills or little "real world" experience. Actually, that's not really true. I certainly have other things I know how to do and can do. My non-acting resume just makes me look like I don't.

Acting can be such a tricky profession. I actually have been quite fortunate in that I work quite often and fairly consistently. Acting has always been my dream job, and I actually get to do it. Not everyone can say that. But acting jobs, by their very nature, aren't consistent. You can work steadily one year and have nothing the next. And it depends on the shows and roles that are available from year to year.

But I am lucky and infinitely blessed to have the job opportunities I've had and continue to have. I love acting so much, and I feel very grateful to be able to do it.

That being said, I do get weary of constantly auditioning in order to procure a job. It's like applying for the same job over and over, often for the same people. But that's just the nature of the beast. And sometimes you do a terrific audition, but don't get the job because you just don't fit right in the puzzle that's being created. Other times, your audition doesn't go so well (at least, you don't feel it does), and you still get cast. So it can be a crap shoot.

I do a lot of musicals, too, and while I think I am a good actor and singer, dancing doesn't come easy to me, and learning choreography is not enjoyable to me. And yet, I do it all the time, but I wish I could do more straight plays.

When I'm not acting, I try to seek employment to help supplement my income. My resume makes me look like I change jobs at the drop of a hat because, well, I do. Most acting gigs last six weeks to a couple of months for me, so I'm continually "changing jobs", so to speak. Not staying with a job very long is not very appealing to "non-acting" employers.

And because acting has been my main job for many years, my experience with "real-world" jobs such as retail, office work, and food service, for example are both limited and rusty. I know it wouldn't take long to train me and for me to get the hang of things, but employers aren't willing to take that chance, especially if they sense that acting is my main goal, and that I will likely quit the job to pursue an acting opportunity.

Plus, I dislike routine, which is part of what appeals to me as an actor. Yeah, I'm doing the same "job," but each role and show is different whereas some 9-5 job in an office or store or restaurant would likely burn me out eventually. And because I do like acting so much, it is also hard to find a "real-world" job that appeals to me and my sense of creativity.

"Real-world" jobs, too, mean I'm starting out at entry-level. I've seen gradual increases in my salary and more prominent roles in my acting jobs, but taking a "real-world" job means I'm starting out at the bottom.

And yet, there are days when I long for the security and stability of a "real-world" job. There are times when I wish I could find a job that enabled me to stay home with my husband more. I guess today is one of those days.

My next acting gig is in April. In the meantime, I'm just trying to find something to make ends meet. I still have some money in savings and I'm collecting unemployment, but it would be nice to be working - doing something.

There is a possible summer gig I auditioned for that I would love to do, but I won't hear about that until March, at the earliest. There is also a possible summer gig that I'm not as excited about doing, but which would give me health benefits and a modest salary. That's another hard thing about acting jobs: just waiting to hear whether you'll be working or not. In the meantime, I still must audition if an opportunity comes along, and right now there aren't a lot of auditions happening for which my particular skills are appropriate.

Last night, Jonah received official word that the show he works for will be closing in September. This was not a surprise. The show has had a very successful run, and Jonah has made a good living working there, but there have been rumors for months that the show would be closing soon, and indeed, it will.

Jonah actually is tired of the job and has been for a while, so this is a blessing, in a way. But we don't know what's next for him. Jonah is a very talented guy and will probably find employment pretty quickly. At least, we hope so. But it is the unknown that is the challenge.

Likewise, the theater I work at often is getting a new artistic director in September, one with whom I've never worked, so I don't know how that will affect my career as well. September is bound to be an interesting time.

I'm not worried. But there will be new adventures ahead for both Jonah and I career-wise, and I hope we can both find fulfillment and stability in whatever comes our way.

Cody And Jonah's Big Fight

2012-01-09T15:43:00.000-08:00

It's almost not worth writing about now. Jonah and I don't fight or argue much. It's very rare. We get along quite well. But we do have different interests and different ways of communicating and different ways of thinking, and occasionally it does get us in trouble.

New Year's Eve also happens to be our anniversary. We had gone out fro a lovely dinner at the Cheesecake Factory and then went see Hugo, which I found to be an unexpectedly charming and delightful movie. Anyway, our evening was quite wonderful.

When we got home, Jonah checked his email, and I checked mine. After he finished, Jonah appeared to be tired and was lying on the couch watching the New Year's Eve programs on TV. I was still on the computer doing some things related to my mom's dementia (keep in mind, this was not too long after some of the events described in this post). Jonah would ask me what I was doing, and I would reply. After I finished, I laid beside Jonah on a couch that i really two small for us. I wasn't very comfortable, but held him as we watched local coverage of the New Year's festivities. When the fireworks started, I wondered aloud if we could see them from the house. Jonah suggested I should go upstairs and check them out. So I did. I watched as the fireworks show continued.

Eventually Jonah came up to join me. He then took a shower, so I got back on my computer, and then Jonah went to bed.

The next day I awoke to find that Jonah was not in bed. I thought that was odd, but proceeded to get ready for church. I came downstairs to find Jonah asleep on the couch. I told him I was going to church and asked him if everything was okay. He replied that it was, although I sensed it wasn't. I probably should have prodded further, but when someone tells me things are okay, I generally take their words at face value.

I went to church, which seemed very uninspired to me. I also felt this nagging feeling that I should go back home and be with Jonah, so I did. However, as I talked to him, he seemed not very responsive to conversation, so I went upstairs for a bit. The rest of the day Jonah and I did not talk much, which is unusual. Then he went to work.

When he came home, he told me he was going to visit his mom for a bit. I asked him if he wanted me to come. Then suddenly Jonah revealed that I had hurt his feelings the night of our anniversary, saying that he was hurt that I hadn't spent more time with him that evening after we had come home. I had been on the computer an awful lot during our anniversary (I had), and it basically boiled down to the fact that because of my job I'm rarely home and we don't spend nearly enough time together and that while I'm here in between jobs, Jonah will be selfish with time we spend together because we generally get so little of it as it is.

The fighting part came from the fact that I genuinely had little clue that Jonah was feeling this way. I sensed he was upset about something, but literally had no idea what it was. In my mind, we had had a lovely anniversary, eating out, seeing a movie, and he genuinely seemed tired when we got home, so I was just doing other things while he rested. I didn't know he wanted to spend more time together. Being our anniversary, I should have known that, but I did not get the hint.

We were yelling at each other (again, something that is rare in our household). He because he was hurt by me, saying that it often seemed that my job or my concerns with my family came before him, and he had just wanted me all to himself specifically on our special day. Me because he had not made it clear to me what he wanted, that I had gotten mixed signals, and that if he wanted that he should have communicated it to me rather than expecting me to read his mind and then giving me the silent treatment because I hadn't.

But the very bottom line was that Jonah was right. I don't put him first as often as I ought to. We are married, after all, and I do sometimes put my career and my family in front of him, and he's right that it isn't fair. He does so much household-wise when I am not here, and he deserves to have as supportive a spouse as he has been to me in my career aspirations. He is here all by himself when I am away whereas I live with my mom during times of employment away from home. It isn't fair, and I couldn't argue with him on that point.

I am not as intuitive or observant as Jonah. I'm just not. I told him I just need him to directly tell me if something's bothering him because I might not pick up on it or, if I do, I will not pursue it if he tells me everything is okay.

I am trying harder to make each moment we have together count. I am trying to spend less time on the computer when we are both home because it's true I do spend too much time on the Internet. I am trying to participate more in activities Jonah enjoys even if I don't just to maximize our time together. I am even considering taking a brief hiatus from acting this summer just so I can be at home more.

It wasn't a bad fight nor was it one that wasn't needful. I only tell you because Jonah and I aren't perfect. We have a great relationship, and I love it and him, but like any couple, we do have misunderstandings and disagreements, and I want you to know that. I don't want anybody to think our relationship is free of challenges or miscommunication.

The fight wasn't fun while we were having it, but I'm glad we had it. It helped me work on some things I need to work on, and hopefully it helped Jonah and I learn to communicate better.

Fortunately, neither of us hold grudges or carry negative energy for very long. All has gone very well since that night, and I feel like our relationship is going great.

Adventures In Dementia

2012-01-01T16:24:00.000-08:00

I've mentioned before that my mom has dementia. This is particularly challenging because Mom does not recognize how serious her dementia can be. Some days she is mostly fine. Yes, she repeats the same questions over and over or can't recall the name of something or forgets to pay a bill or an appointment, but she's mostly coherent and able to do her daily activities with the same independence she's always had.

Other days, however, are more challenging. Dementia robs a person of their awareness and their judgment. It causes them to not only forget things, but misremember things that have already occurred. There's little use arguing or trying to rationalize with a person with dementia, particularly on a bad day. Their reality is the absolute truth as far as they are concerned, even if everyone else around them recognizes that its not. Dementia sometimes causes paranoia or mood swings or strangely obsessive behavior. It is hard to adapt to.

As the child who most often lives with my mom during my times when I am working in Utah, I am, therefore, someone who spends a lot of time with her and sees first-hand what she's like, both on good days and bad ones. It is exhausting to be asked the same question over and over or be told the same information in the same way again and again. This is not Mom's fault. There is nothing willful about her behavior. It's just the way her brain works now. It has taken me a while to adapt. Initially, my first instinct was to say, "Mom, I just told you that" or "Mom, don't you remember?" As Mom progressively gets worse, and as I read more and more about the disease, I have been taught that it's just better to treat each repetition as new information. As a somewhat impatient person, this was hard to do at first, and some days I am still not good at it. Sometimes you just want to scream, "I told you that literally three seconds ago! How can you not remember?!" And yet, she, in fact, doesn't.

Dementia has been such a fascinating disease to watch. Sad, but fascinating. It boggles my mind that a person can remember some minute detail from their childhood with total clarity, but literally cannot remember something you just told them. I remember having a conversation with my mom about her childhood, and she was so articulate and so coherent. You would never know she had memory issues. Yet, the closer we got to the present, the more it slipped away.

It's fascinating to watch Mom forget the names of people she has known for some time. For example, she consistently forgets my brother-in-law's name. She knows who she's talking about, but can't seem to find his name. A few weeks ago she was looking at a picture of my niece and nephew when they were younger and couldn't identify them. She did the same thing once with an old photo of my sister. It's so interesting.

My mom used to be an ace at Trivial Pursuit: The Silver Screen Edition. We used to play a lot when I was younger. There's no way we could play a successful game today. She simply cannot retrieve the information.

Mom can watch a movie and recite the plot for you, but then will rewatch the same movie a week later and not remember having seen it at all even if it's a movie she's seen many times.

Places that were once easy and familiar for Mom to get to are now mysteries to her. She once spent over an hour trying to find the nearby mechanic she's taken her car to for years, a trip that barely takes 5 or 6 minutes, to no avail. She even had directions.

Part of what gives me the most stress is how much I worry about Mom. I love her very much and even though she isn't a child, sometimes it's like caring for a child. What makes it really tough is that from Mom's point-of-view, everything's perfectly fine. As far as she's concerned, she's completely healthy and there is no reason to worry about her. Unfortunately, there is. Adding to that, Mom is fiercely independent and can be incredibly stubborn at times.

I have a problem delegating responsibility, too. I've always had this attitude that if I don't do it myself, it either won't get done or won't get done right. This isn't true, but unfortunately, it's how I often operate. And as such, a lot of the burden is put on me, and that is probably my own fault.

My siblings are great, and they help out Mom a lot, but it is true that Mom has become highly dependent on me, and when I come back home to Jonah, she tends to get depressed and forgets that she has other children that are there to help her out.

Until very recently, I was the one that really knew Mom's financial situation, her spending habits, what medications she takes, was taking her to doctor's visits or helping her around the house. My siblings, of course, had an overview of this stuff, but I was the one who was truly dealing with it day-to-day. Again, probably no one's fault but my own.

Keeping on top of Mom, making sure she's making all of her appointments, taking her medications in the right doses at the right times, making sure she's paying her bills, protecting her from salespeople and other entities that might take advantage of her, having the same conversations over and over, canceling unused credit cards and unused gym memberships, worrying about her when she does something out of the ordinary, etc. can get a little wearing at times. I'm ashamed to say that sometimes I would retreat to my room just to take a break from her. That sounds awful, although according to the literature I've read on dementia, is perfectly normal and sometimes needed.

Knowing that I would be moving back home for a while (my next job in Utah isn't until April) and because we're all generally worried about her, my siblings and I got together to discuss some practical measures we can take to best help Mom. Much of her day-to-day care in in the hands of my siblings now. Part of me feels relief and part of me wishes I could be there to help out more. I do have a husband, though, and he deserves to have me here with him, and I need to be with him.

On Saturday I spoke with my Mom at 5:45 PM. She said my brother and sister-in-law had invited her over for dinner and that my nephew would probably be picking her up. She said she had to get ready, and I told her to have a nice time. So you can imagine my dismay and shock when my brother called at about 8:30 PM informing me that Mom was missing. In turned out that Mom's dinner with them was supposed to be Sunday night, so my brother didn't even known that she had attempted to go to their house on Saturday night. All he knew was that when my niece and nephew (who live in my mom's house) came home, they found Mom's car missing, which is very unusual for a woman who's usually in bed by 9:00 PM and doesn't drive at night.

We had no idea where she was. The last time we had gone to my brother's house together, she seemed confused on how to get there, so I had advised my brother and sister-in-law to not let her drive there alone. Had they realized she had mixed up the dates on when dinner was, I'm sure they would have picked her up. But the thing about dementia is that she could have headed anywhere, possibly even someplace nowhere near my brother's house.

My mom doesn't have a great sense of direction anyway, dementia or not. If her sense tells her she should go left, it is 99% likely she ought to go right. She also doesn't drive well at night, and actually we have been worried about her driving at all, so my fear was compounded not only by the fact that she was missing, but that if she felt she were lost, she might get distracted and hit somebody or get into accident.

Mom was missing for 5 1/2 hours. My family members were all out looking for her, made worse by the fact that they weren't even sure where they should look. Hospitals were called. her cellphone, which she didn't think of turning on, was called many, many times. The police had an APB out on her, and finally at about 11:15 PM, a time when my mom is rarely, if ever, out, the police found her and pulled her over. She was 12 miles from her original destination going the opposite direction in an area of town she never frequents. The police took away her keys and my brother came to pick her up.

Mom did not know or feel that she was lost. In her words, she was just "out for a drive." This coming from a woman who doesn't realize she was out for nearly six hours, thought it was daytime when she was driving, doesn't think she was found where she was found, doesn't remember getting pulled over, and was confused about who's car she was in when my brother was driving home. She was mad at us for worrying about her, said she could drive any time she wanted to (never mind that she never drives at night and actually dislikes doing so) and doesn't believe the events happened the way they really did.

We have no idea what she was doing all that time. She says she remembered that the dinner was for the next night (not true - she did not learn this until my brother told her when he picked her up after the police found her) and decided to take a drive instead. She said she stopped to look at some Christmas lights (probably true) and also went to a "forest" (none of us know what she is referring to), and she mentioned something about a "dungeon." Again, no idea.

All I know was that my mom was missing for five and a half hours and that we were worried sick about her. I don't know if you can truly imagine that feeling unless you've had somebody you know go missing. It sucks. It makes you feel incredibly helpless. Moreso, when you're in another state and can't do anything to actively help. I'm just grateful she was found unharmed and that she was found so quickly (relatively).

This is not the first time Mom has gotten lost. Last summer she took a walk on a very hot day. Normally her walks are 45 minutes. She was gone for three hours and ended up three miles away going north (away from her house) when she thought she was going south. Fortunately, a nice couple saw her and were concerned about her and drove her home.

Mom is supposed to take her driving test this week to evaluate her driving ability. Mom is very confident that she will pass and be able to continue driving, but the rest of us are fairly certain she will fail, which is a good thing. We have been talking about taking away her keys and we try to drive her place as often as possible because, although she does not recognize it, her awareness is not as sharp as it once was, and she gets confused more, and I think that makes for a dangerous driver.

There is a lot of construction near Mom's house, and she has been nervous to drive in that area, so she walked to the store the other day to avoid driving, and realized when she got there that she couldn't carry the stuff she had, so she stole (borrowed) a shopping cart.

Mom also has been giving quite a bit to charity lately (more than usual). Mom has a very generous heart, but she is on a fixed income and I worry about her overspending to donate to charity. I also worry about salespeople suckering her into buying things she doesn't need. The other day she got her garbage disposal repaired when no one else was home and spent far more than I think she needed to. I think we could have got her a better deal elsewhere.

Mom has also stopped using her debit card (probably because the difficulty the technology presents for her) and has started withdrawing large amounts of cash from her account, which makes it harder to monitor what she is doing with it. My brother and I have power-of-attorney over her, and if it starts to get out of hand, we may have to step in and take action.

Mom has also been lax about taking her medications, which I think may have contributed to Saturday night's episode.

Anyway, things will only get worse. That's the nature of dementia. It's hard to watch a very independent, level-headed person lose their judgment and independence. Mom also gets agitated or upset about trivial things whereas she used to be pretty meek. She still is, but I've seen her get really agitated about things that she blames on others (such as we never tell her what's going on or that we're making things up or that people have done things that they really haven't - all due to her inability to remember things). It's hard to watch, but it is what it is. I wish I could do more from where I'm at, but it's harder now...although in some ways it makes it easier.

As a child who was raised by a very loving and responsible mother (and father), I feel I have to give back. It's funny how the cycle of life works. Parents take care of their kids, and then kids end up basically doing the same thing to their parents. I think that's the way God intended it. That doesn't make it easy. But then, parenting a child is never easy, so why should I expect that caring for a parent would be any easier. I also find one of the best coping techniques for me, personally, is to have a sense of humor about it.

I hope I'm doing enough. I just want her to be safe and taken care of and protected.

Home With Jonah

2011-12-29T20:29:00.000-08:00

I closed my show almost a week ago and headed back home to be with Jonah. It's been great. It's sad; it's been three years since Jonah and I had our commitment ceremony, and we've spent more time apart than together because of our jobs. I'm unemployed again until April, and this stretch (three months) will be the longest consecutive amount of time that Jonah and I will be together. Never have I been more delighted to be unemployed. I have missed my boy so, so much, and it is so great that we will have this time together.

I actually drove home on Christmas Day (I spent Christmas Eve with my family in Utah), and it was a beautiful day. I left early because Jonah had to work on Christmas night (bogus!), and I wanted to at least spend some of Christmas Day with him. I was also really excited to give him my gifts to him. I gave him sheet music for a song he wanted that a friend of mine transcribed (because the song is not available in print); a doll he asked for (Jonah collects dolls, and I think he was really surprised that I had remembered that he wanted this one; and the biggest surprise gift: a hanging trio of Mickey Mouse frames with pictures from our trip to Disneyland (two of which were taken by a photographer at Disneyland, and which Jonah had no idea I had purchased). He seemed very surprised and pleased. It took me forever to find just the right frames for the photos, and there is such joy in our faces in the photos. It was such a perfect gift.

Jonah, who has a bigger budget than I do, got me a book by Stephen Sondheim that I had begged Jonah to get me, a Darth Vader t-shirt, and the biggest surprise of all, an iPod Touch, which I had wanted but couldn't afford. It was a nice Christmas.

One of my favorite parts of being away from Jonah for so long is the "reunited" sex. It's always the best, and almost makes being away from each other worth it. Almost. There are few things better than being reunited with the one you love after along absence.

Jonah and I will be together for our third anniversary. Not sure what we're doing, but I'm glad we're together.

Being here has been good in other ways, too. My mom's dementia is getting worse (although she does not seem to recognize it), and I seem to be the child she increasingly depends upon and it can be stressful at times. I love my mom so much and worry a lot about her. Maybe too much (although I told her that I worry about her as sufficiently as a son ought to worry about his mother). Anyway, my siblings are taking on more responsibility. They've always been great, but Mom tends to rely on me more because I'm more easily accessible. I don't mind that, and perhaps it's my own doing that causes her to do that. But it can be stressful at times, and it's nice to have a bit of a break (although I miss her terribly, and I know she misses me). Perhaps I'll post about this at a later time.

Jonah did the nicest thing. He was shopping at Michael's Crafts, and a customer was being kind of impatient and verbally abusive to an aged cashier. The cashier was obviously flustered by the interaction, and Jonah took the time to tell her that he had always thought the cashier had done a good job when he had shopped there and to not let the customer's behavior get to her. The cashier said she tried to do a good job and said that at her age she should be retired by now, but that she needed this job to support herself and her family. Anyway, Jonah got to know her a bit better, and Jonah was so kind to her (as Jonah is apt to be), and she ended up asking Jonah if she could hug him, which he was perfectly glad to do.

Anyway, at this time in the holiday season when retailers have such a challenging job, Jonah felt inspired to bring the staff at Michael's some muffin/bundt cakes, but also felt very compelled to give the aged cashier a $50 gift card to Fresh and Easy (a local grocery store) and $25 cash and asked me if he could take some money out of our savings to do it. Jonah's gut feelings are usually 99% accurate, and so I have learned to trust them. I told him he should do it, and so he did and gave the muffins and gift card and cash on our behalf.

The staff was so grateful, and the woman even more so. We saw her just yesterday, and she said it had really made a difference, not just to her but to her family. She hugged both of us and told us we were good people.

I tell you this not to be recognized for doing a good deed (and really, it was Jonah's good deed more than mine), but because I admire Jonah so much because he really is such a generous soul and is so receptive to the needs of others (even when he doesn't want to be). I admire that a lot. I can be very selfish myself, and Jonah makes me want to be a more giving and better person.

Just as this customer was tearing the cashier down with her words, I feel Jonah was trying to lift her up with his words and actions. And isn't that what we should be doing with everyone we interact with in our lives? I'm not saying we need to give everybody a gift card and some cash. I'm just saying that we can either build people up with our words or actions or we can tear them down. A smile or kind word can do good whereas a sarcastic or hurtful comment can do bad. And we never know the effect our words and deeds will have on someone or on the people whose lives they touch.

I just want to be a better person. I want to be more kind, more loving, more charitable, more centered on others' needs, and Jonah inspires me to do that. Jonah has taught me so much about love and sensitivity, and I really appreciate that.

I'm so glad we're together.

Ugh! (Or The Friend Who's Going Away For A Long Time)

2011-12-20T15:11:00.000-08:00

I wrote recently about a friend of mine who was charged with aggravated sexual assault for sleeping with one of his 17 year-old students when he was a drama teacher. When I last wrote, he hadn't been sentenced yet. Now he has.

The judge sentenced him to up to 15 years in prison. It breaks my heart. I feel sad for him, for the student he had sex with, for her family, for his family, for his kids, for the people he has let down. The whole thing just sucks.

I am not angry at my friend or even disappointed in him. I'm just sad that he now finds himself in this position. I do not know the full circumstances of his relationship with the student. I am under the impression it was consensual. That doesn't make it right, nor do I feel the 17 year-old had the maturity necessary to enter into a sexual relationship with my friend, nor do I dismiss the fact that my friend should have known better and that being both a 31 year-old man and the girl's teacher should have clued him into the fact that this was not only a recipe for disaster, but that the legal repercussions would be very serious. And indeed they are.

Now my friend loses up to 15 years of his life in a penal institution. He loses 15 years with his kids. He loses his career. He tarnishes his reputation. And think of the lives he has negatively altered. I understand the girl, who once was so active in theatre, has completely dropped out of it, partly because some of my friend's former students somehow blame her instead of my friend because he was a popular teacher. The girl's relationship with her parents seems to be tenuous, at best, right now, she;s likely in counseling, and my friend's actions are largely to blame for that. And I'm sure my friend's actions have had a major effect on her. And what about the influence this has had on his former students? It's all just so sad and was so unnecessary.

I do think the sentence was a bit harsh, but that may also be because I know my friend as a person. But I also understand why the judge meted out such a long sentence. My friend had previously been warned by his superiors that he seemed a little too chummy with another female student and that it looked bad (that relationship was non-sexual). My friend promised to set better boundaries, and at the same time he was carrying on this affair with this other student. He had sex with her at least 10 to 15 times, once on school property. He manipulated a vulnerable teenager with his own needy behavior. He was in a position of authority over her. He should have known better.

Choices have consequences, and I guess these are the consequences my friend has to live with. I guess another thing that makes me sad is that people are calling my friend a "monster" or that he should "rot in jail for the rest of his life." What my friend did was undoubtedly wrong, but I just know him as my friend. Needy, immature, selfish, made a really stupid and thoughtless mistake, but he's not a monster. I don't see him as a predator. I just see him as an emotionally immature and depressed guy who left his better judgment behind. I certainly don't think spending the rest of his life behind bars is what is best for him or society. The girl's parents probably do and justifiably so, but I don't.

I do think my friend needs to pay for his selfish behavior. I hope he uses his time in prison to better himself, and I hope he truly realizes the consequences of his actions, not just to himself, but to those whose lives he's altered.

I saw a photo of my friend on the Utah Department of Corrections' website. My friend has such a sadness and weariness in his eyes. I'm sure this is never where he thought he'd end up. I certainly didn't.

I wrote my friend a letter offering my support and love. I know this will be a very challenging time for him. I hope he comes through this okay.

So sad.

I Love The Musical Annie, And I Don't Care Who Knows It!

2011-12-11T22:58:00.000-08:00

Yes, that's right; I love the musical Annie. Cynics may find the show sappy and overly-sentimental, but I love it.

If you are not familiar with Annie, it is the story of an optimistic orphan searching for the parents who left her at a New York City orphanage when she was a baby. After living under the thumb of the wicked woman, Miss Hannigan, who runs the orphanage, Annie eventually gets the opportunity to stay for two weeks at the home of billionaire Oliver Warbucks, but he is so taken with her, he decides to adopt her permanently. What Annie wants most, however, is to find her parents, and so Warbucks does his best to do so. If you don't know the story, I won't spoil it here for you, but I may spoil some key plot points later in this post, so be forewarned.

There is a very special place in my heart for the musical Annie. I grew up with the show, and it is directly responsible for two of the most important decisions I have made in my life.

When I was ten, I saw the third national tour of Annie at the Capitol Theatre in Salt Lake City. It made a huge impression on me. I loved it, and I remember thinking as I watched it, wide-eyed and enthralled, "I want to do what those people are doing."

The previous year I had co-starred in a third grade production of a moral tale based very loosely on The Music Man, and I had enjoyed it very much and was starting to take a real interest in acting. My mom and grandma often took me to plays and musicals. I remember attending the Young People's Theatre series at Pioneer Memorial at the University of Utah and seeing such shows as Winnie the Pooh. I think my family had season tickets to the Promised Valley Playhouse, and I remember seeing Mister Roberts, Kiss Me, Kate, and You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown, among others. I think Annie, though, was the show that cemented in my mind what I wanted to do for a living, if it was at all possible. My ten year-old brain and soul just knew that's what I wanted to do, and according to my Mom, I never deviated from that path once I had made my mind up (probably because there were a bunch of kids on stage, and I thought, if they can do it, why not me?).

My dad had quite a collection of Broadway albums such as Guys and Dolls, South Pacific, Carousel, and Damn Yankees. We also had an eight-track tape of the movie version of Cabaret that I listened to so much that somebody in my family (probably my brother) finally hid it to give everyone's ears a rest. I also think if my parents had understood what some of the songs were about, they probably wouldn't have let me listened to it at all, and I, myself, was quite shocked to understand the true meaning of these songs from my childhood when I finally saw Cabaret when I was in college. But an album I listened to a lot was Annie, which I assume we got after we saw the touring production (but maybe we got it before because the Broadway production had come out three and a half years earlier). I think it was my sister's album.

With all the enjoyment I got out of listening to Annie, I should have known I was gay right then and there, but of course, I didn't even know what "gay" was yet. I loved the Overture to Annie, starting with the two horns playing a snatch of "Tomorrow" and then going into the rousing "It's a Hard-Knock Life," which is still one of my favorite songs, and then moving on to "Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile" and "We'd Like to Thank You, Herbert Hoover" and then finishing with the anthem of the show, "Tomorrow." I still am whisked away to my childhood whenever I hear that overture, and the actual song "Tomorrow" still brings a tear to my eye, not only because of it's message, but because it reminds me of the lost innocence of childhood.

The album then continues with "Maybe," sung by the only person who will truly ever be Annie to me, Andrea McArdle. I think "Maybe" is such a sweet song; the plaintive plea of an innocent girl pinning her hopes on being reunited with her parents.

The next song is "It's a Hard-Knock Life," sung very exuberantly by a gaggle of girls. I've always loved the tune, and it was one I listened to over and over, even though I couldn't make out all of the lyrics.

Then there's the beautiful "Tomorrow." Yes, I know it's over-sung and overdone. It may come across as trite and treacly, but I love it. I love the idea that this girl is in the worst situation she can be in: an orphan abandoned by her parents, living an unfair life under the thumb of an abusive and tyrannical caretaker, in the worst of times, the Depression, on the street in the middle of winter with no coat next to a stray dog singing about how you gotta keep your chin up because as long as you hang on to hope and know that even though today is "gray and lonely," there's the sure knowledge that "the sun'll come up tomorrow," and that tomorrow is "only a day away."

I love her optimism. I consider myself an optimist. Especially in our current economy and current political climate, it would be really easy to get cynical and down-hearted, but I'm with Annie on this: "you gotta hang on 'til tomorrow" because things will get better. I believe that.

And then came my favorite song on the album (which is still my favorite, I think, simply because I've always loved the tune): "We'd Like to Thank You, Herbert Hoover." I listened to that one over and over, and I remember when I saw the 1982 movie version of Annie, being absolutely livid that they had cut that song out and replaced it with an absolute "dog" of a song (pun intended): "Dumb Dog."

In fact, while I'm there, I have to say that I pretty much hate the movie Annie as much as I love the original stage version.

I'm sure some of you who are younger than me and grew up with the movie version rather than the stage version will disagree, but I think the movie is the poor bastard cousin of the original, and this is unfortunate because it has so much that should have made it good. I love the casting: Carol Burnett, Tim Curry, Bernadette Peters, Albert Finney, Anne Reinking, Edward Hermann. Legendary director (although one who had never directed a musical): John Huston. Great source material to work with: the original Broadway production won seven Tonys, including best musical, best book, best score, and best choreography, and justifiably so. The score is one of my favorites and the book is very well-written (and you really can't say that about all musicals). But the movie just takes a good thing and ruins it, in my opinion.

My thought has always been, "Why would you take something that was so successful and wasn't broken and try to "fix" it with a lot of unnecessary crap?" First off, some great songs are replaced by far more inferior ones. Instead of "NYC", you get "Let's Go to the Movies." Instead of "We'd Like to Thank You, Herbert Hoover," you get the atrocious "Dumb Dog" and "Sandy." Instead of "You Won't Be An Orphan for Long," you get the insipid "We Got Annie." The unnecessary "Sign" takes the place of one of the "Easy Street"s. "Annie" is replaced by another version of the stupid "We Got Annie." The show's main theme, "Tomorrow," is nearly relegated to the back burner. One of the stage version's most touching songs, "Something Was Missing" is completely cut out as is "A New Deal for Christmas" (and even Christmas itself is replaced by the 4th of July, and I really think the show loses some of its magic in doing so).

Miss Hannigan is made out to be a hero in the end of the movie instead of the villain she remains in the stage version. There's a silly and unnecessarily chase scene designed to make the show have more action. And don't get me started on the unnecessary additions of Punjab and the Asp, who were only added because they were in the original "Little Orphan Annie" comic strip, but serve no useful purpose since they aren't in the stage version at all.

And I don't really care for Aileen Quinn's performance as Annie, which is unfortunate since she is, after all, the focus of the movie. I just find her kind of obnoxious rather than endearing. Plus, scenes from the play are switched around, and since the original book is so well-crafted, the movie ends up just coming out more of a mess than anything. Not a fan.

Back to the album: after "Herbert Hoover" comes the wonderful "Little Girls" (still a favorite song) sung by the terrific Dorothy Loudon, who will always be Miss Hannigan to me. I agree she could be a bit of a ham, but I also think there is a very good reason she won Best Supporting Actress for this role.

Then you get the delightful and fun "I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here." Following that is "NYC," which I admit to skipping as a kid because it started out too slow and I didn't particularly like Reid Shelton's voice. However, today I quite like "NYC." It's a fun and vibrant arrangement that I think captures city life well.

Oh, and then "Easy Street." What an absolutely terrific number. So fun! Definitely a highlight of the show. I actually wish the stage version wasn't as broken up as it is (with dialogue between each verse) and was instead presented as it is on the album. I felt lucky to see a recording of this number when it was performed on the Tonys.

Then there's "You Won't Be An Orphan for Long," which may not be the strongest number, but is still a lot of fun. Next is "You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile," which I admit I didn't fully understand as a kid. However, both the radio version and the orphan version are fun to listen to. I think the former really captures that early 30s singing style.

Then you get the "Tomorrow Reprise," which I always found quite humorous as a kid. Then there's "Something Was Missing." I also admit I skipped over this song as a kid. Too slow and, again, Reid Shelton. Now, however, I think it's one of the most touching and beautiful songs in the show. The melody is gorgeous. I love it (and yes, I like Reid Shelton's voice now, too).

Then there's "I Don't Need Anything But You," which is fun and bouncy.

Then you've got "Annie," which I admit is probably one of the weaker songs on the album, but I still like it (and certainly like it better than the movie's more stupid version, "We Got Annie"). The final lyrics of the song, though, are still a mystery to me.

And then there's the underrated finale, "A New Deal for Christmas," which sounds very Christmas-y, but I also feel like some the lyrics are not Martin Charnin's best, but then I do think Martin Charnin has several lyrical problems in the show. Still, I like the song, even though it's the one I didn't listen to much as a kid.

I remember looking at the pictures inside the album. They were small, and there was one for each song, but I remember being especially impressed that they so closely resembled the scenes I had seen in the touring company's version (not realizing it was patterned exactly after the Broadway version).

I wore out that album as a kid. In fact, I think we bought another copy because I scratched up the old one. But I loved it and still do. I can listen to it over and over and not get sick of it. There isn't a song in the show that I don't like now. Very catchy and fun.

I like some of the themes in the show. I like that Annie's presence makes the lives of almost everyone around her better: her fellow orphans, the down-trodden residents of the Hooverville she encounters; the stray dog who finally gets adopted; the tough millionaire whose heart she penetrates; his staff, who grow to love her as their own; President Roosevelt and his staff, who create the New Deal supposedly because of her, which in turn changes the lives of many of her fellow Americans. I just like the message that one person can make a difference simply with their positive attitude.

I also like the idea that what Annie wishes and hopes for most in the world (to be reunited with her parents) - the thing she thinks will ultimately give her the greatest happiness - is not really what brings her happiness at all.

I like that it's a love story between a father and a daughter.

I like that it breaks the rule about kids and animals and hinges one scene on both.

I like that the show is often used as a vehicle to adopt homeless dogs (the dogs are experiencing the Annie story in their own lives).

I like how the music makes me feel.

I like the influence the show has had on my very career and my relationship with the man who is now my husband.

For yes, Annie was also very instrumental in helping me find Jonah. 23 years after I saw Annie for the first time, I was cast in a production of it in a role I coveted, that of the villain, Rooster. Jonah was the dresser for the actress playing Miss Hannigan, and because I played Miss Hannigan's brother, Jonah and I ended up spending some time together.

I remember when I was cast in Annie, I almost felt as though my life as an actor had come full-circle. Here I was playing a great part, a part I wanted, in the show that helped me decide I wanted to be an actor in the first place. But never could I have dreamed it would also help me find the man who has brought me such joy and happiness in my life; the man who I chose to be with when I thought love had eluded me forever; the man who helped me be who I am happiest being. Perhaps that's why I love Annie most of all.

I am now doing another production of Annie. I'm playing a different part, but one I am enjoying very much. Going to work is a joy. It never feels like work. It feels like fun every day. I love listening to the score while I'm off stage and singing the score when I'm on stage. I never get sick of it. In fact, I venture to say that I could probably do this show for a while if I had to, and I cannot say that about all the shows I am in (in fact, I can't say it about most shows because I get bored too easily). But this one is a pleasure. I am thoroughly enjoying it, and it reminds me each day how very lucky and fortunate I am to be doing what I do for a living. I will be sad to see it go.

An irony is that once this production ends, I have nothing on the horizon until at least April. But that also means I get to go home to Jonah, and that we will spend the longest amount of time together since our commitment ceremony. Although I hope I will find a job soon, I am looking very, very forward to being home with my husband for a good amount of time. I have missed him very much, and am looking forward to some quality time with him and our three cats.

You Think You Know Someone

2011-11-30T16:16:00.001-08:00

About a year ago I was in a show, and I met this guy, a fellow actor. Let's call him Paul. Paul and I really hit it off. We shared a similar sense of humor, and we had some common interests. Paul was also extremely likeable and charming, and I enjoyed getting to know him better. He had a great voice and was fun to be around. I genuinely liked him, and we got along really well. He was also one of my puzzle buddies (although not the one described in this post).

Paul was from an LDS background, although I got the impression he wasn't active. He had also been married, but was now divorced (for how long I can't remember, but it seems it had only been a year or two since he and his wife had divorced. He also had kids and you could tell they were a source of pride for him. Paul seemed pretty open about his life and experiences, and I enjoyed getting to know him better. In any case, we were pretty chummy.

Anyway, Paul and I did that show and then went our separate ways. Four months later I was excited to be reunited with him in another show. I had enjoyed working with him so much the first time around, it was fun to see that we'd be working together again. We still got along well, but for some reason his personality got more on my nerves this time around. We were still friendly, but not as friendly as we had been during our first show together. We was dating a new girl at the time, and that's all he seemed to talk about, and while I was happy for him, it got a little tiring at times. I also felt this sort of "trying-to-hard" vibe from him. It's hard to explain.

Regardless, we were still friendly, and I still liked him quite a bit.

Flash forward to last week. While in rehearsals for my current show, somehow Paul's name came up, and an actress (we'll call her Debbie) who had been in the last show Paul and I did together asked if we had heard the latest about him. Another actor and I (who had both been in the two shows with Paul that I've already mentioned) replied that we hadn't.

She then started telling us a story that seemed to have nothing to do with Paul. She said that in January of 2010 she had started rehearsals of a show that turned out to be a bad experience for her. The director, whose name was Peter Holmstead, made a lot of sexual innuendo during the rehearsal process, and Debbie found working with him very uncomfortable.

In May of that same year, Debbie said that it had been discovered that Peter, who was also a drama teacher at a local high school, had been having an ongoing sexual relationship with one of his seventeen year-old students. This all came out after the girl's parents came home from a vacation to find Peter in their home sitting on a couch with their daughter. When this happened, Peter quickly grabbed his stuff and left the house, simply saying, "I'm sorry."

Peter was eventually charged with rape because he was in a position of authority over the girl, and by law, and because of the girl's age, she was in no position to give consent.

So Debbie is telling us this seemingly unrelated story and says that when she was cast in the last production that we all did together, she was distressed when she saw that Peter, this director who had made her feel uncomfortable and who had been charged with this crime, was in the cast as well. Only he had now changed his name to Paul.

The other actor and I who were listening to her tale in utter amazement were shocked. My first thought was, I can't believe that this guy I like and have trusted did such a thing.

When I went home that night, I looked for all the news stories on Paul Holmstead (not his real name, by the way) I could find, and sure enough, there is a mug shot of the guy I consider my friend, charged with the rape of one of the students he was entrusted with.

Debbie had told us that he sentencing was supposed to be on November 10th of this year (although as part of a plea bargain, he now has pled guilty to the lesser charge of aggravated sexual abuse), but I have not been able to find out whether he has actually been sentenced or what his sentence was. However, news stories say he faces two separate prison terms of 1 to 15 years.

I am flabbergasted, quite frankly. I also want to shake my friend and say, "What were you thinking?!" I don't blame him for changing his name or concealing what he did from me. Who wants to drudge that up, especially with someone you don't know that well?

From what I gather, the relationship was consensual. That doesn't make it right. I don't think the 17 year-old girl has the maturity to enter into a relationship of that nature, and I certainly think a 31 year-old teacher should know better than to take advantage of one of his students and should be responsible enough to say no to such a temptation.

Paul has taken responsibility for his actions and is bound to serve some serious jail time (as well he should). I'm just so mad at him for making the choices he made that brought him here. He should have known better. And I'm annoyed that he has made me see him in a light that taints who I thought he was.

Here's a guy I like and trusted, and now I think if I had a daughter, there's no way I would trust him to be alone with her, and it makes me me sad.

As I've received this new information about my friend, I have had to decide how I feel about him, and it's been a lot of strange emotions. Part of me wants to reach out to him and say, "I still love you and care about you even though you're a bonehead" and part of me is, in fact, disgusted by what he did and thinks, "How can I ever trust you again?"

I don't have all the facts. I don't know what sort of emotional states either he or the girl were in when they embarked on this path, nor do I know or not whether that even matters. It still seems inexcusable. I don't know Paul's true heart, and perhaps that is what is most troubling to me about this whole thing: I'm not sure I even know who Paul is or what I can trust as truth or not.

And yet, I also know we are taught to forgive. Everyone.

I have a very good friend in prison right now. For manslaughter. And while the family of the man he killed may never forgive him, I know this friend's heart. I know what he has tried to do to make amends for something he can never fully make amends. In spite of a series of bad life choices leading up to one very bad mistake that caused his victim to lose his life at my friend's hands, I know that my friend is a good person; I know that he is truly sorry for what he did; I know that regrets every day his actions, and I know that he has worked ever since to be a better person, and I can see that he is a better person than that broken man who killed another human being.

Can't I also forgive Paul? Cannot Paul also have a truly contrite heart? Cannot Paul also try to make the best possible amends he can for a possibly amend-less situation?

Is Paul truly sorry? Does he truly recognize that his actions were wrong? I don't know. But I do know that I'm supposed to forgive and love him, and I am trying to do that.

I remember seeing a movie starring Kevin Bacon called The Woodsman about a convicted child molester (perhaps one of the hardest crimes to forgive (for me, at least)) who has served his sentence and attempts to start life anew. The character is flawed and still has challenges associated with his crimes, but is portrayed sympathetically and ultimately, seems like he will rise above his past mistakes. I remember watching the film and feeling that I was seeing the true heart of a man I might otherwise see as a monster, and I appreciated that.

I'm not saying the character's crimes weren't reprehensible or that he didn't need to somehow pay for the lost innocence of the children he robbed. I'm saying that it helped me see a human soul in a way I might never have seen.

There are some crimes that seem unforgivable. Some things seem so dastardly that you can't imagine forgiving someone for them. But I know I have been commanded to love and forgive; that I am supposed to see a human soul's inner heart the way God sees them. It's so much harder in mortality to not be judgmental and condemning, but I truly believe in the eternal realm, God loves us for who we are and unconditionally.

That doesn't mean we won't have to atone for the sins for which we are unrepentant, but for the ones we truly repent of, Christ has promised that his atonement will cover anything for which we lack, and I believe that.

I don't know what is in my friend Paul's heart or how he views his current situation. Nor do I know if I really know the friend I thought I knew. But I am trying to approach this from a loving, non-judgmental, forgiving, open-minded point-of-view. It remains to be seen what will happen next, but I am trying to have a loving and understanding heart toward my friend. I guess that's all I can do for now.

Thanksgiving

2011-11-25T14:16:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving was nice this year, although I wish Jonah and I had been together for it. I am grateful to be employed, though, and grateful I was able to have the day off from work.

As anyone who reads this blog regularly knows, I love my family very much. As anyone who regularly reads this blog also knows, I am not the most social person in the world. One of my favorite sounds in the world, no joke, is the sound of stillness and silence that happens after a house full of people has left. After the last lingerers departed; after my mom and niece and nephew-in-law went to bed, I stood doing the remainder of the dishes in quiet, and it was such a lovely feeling. I love solitude; crave it sometimes. That doesn't mean I don't like people nor does it mean I don't also enjoy my relationships with friends, family, and Jonah. But I love quiet. And I love alone time.

I once stumbled on the definition of an introvert here, which I may have already posted on this blog before. Some of the highlights include:

"Contrary to what most people think, an introvert is not simply a person who is shy. ...Basically, an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people.

"Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to 'recharge.'

"When introverts want to be alone, it is not, by itself, a sign of depression. It means that they either need to regain their energy from being around people or that they simply want the time to be with their own thoughts. Being with people, even people they like and are comfortable with, can prevent them from their desire to be quietly introspective.

"Being introspective, though, does not mean that an introvert never has conversations. However, those conversations are generally about ideas and concepts, not about what they consider the trivial matters of social small talk..."

This describes me to an absolute T. I am the textbook definition of an introvert, if the above is the true definition.

I tried to make Thanksgiving easier for Mom this year. She's always doing the majority of the cooking and always seems to be in a state of stress and frenzy during the holiday because she's always up and down and making sure everything gets done and served, etc. No one demands this of her; it just seems to be her nature, and as a result, while I know she enjoys getting together with the family, she always comes out of Thanksgiving feeling tired and frazzled.

Initially, a family friend invited Mom and me over to her house for Thanksgiving, and I said we probably would accept, thinking that would give Mom a break and just allow her to relax for a change. However, Mom ended up telling me to decline the invitation because she wanted to spend the holiday with the extended family. Fine.

So then my sister-in-law, niece, and I made a plan to alleviate some of Mom's burden. Mom wanted to make the turkey, potatoes, and stuffing, but we told Mom that everything else would be taken care of. My sister-in-law would make the pies and a jello salad she traditionally makes. My sister and brother-in-law would bring the sweet potatoes. I would take care of the rolls. My niece and nephew would make the remaining vegetables and help Mom cook everything while I put up the Christmas lights. They would set the table and chairs, etc. Everyone in the family had a duty designed to help Mom's holiday be a bit more relaxing.

FAIL!

Due to Mom's dementia, she forgot about our plans and ended up buying rolls and pies, for example, so we had quite an over-abundance of those items. In the case of pies, that's no so bad. In the case of rolls, I think we had way too many. Also due to Mom's memory problems, she didn't put the turkey in soon enough, and unfortunately we didn't realize it until it was too late. Also, somebody had inadvertently shut the oven off while the turkey was cooking. Long story short, by the time the meal had been finished, everything was ready except the main course, which needed another one to two hours. Nobody minded...except Mom, of course, who seemed a bit agitated about it (and it didn't help cook the turkey any faster that she kept checking on it. My niece was like, "Grandma, it's just going to take longer if you keep letting the hot air out of the oven.")

The meal was great. I just wish we'd done a better job at making the event more relaxing for Mom. After everyone left, Mom said how tired she was and that she was kind of happy the day was over. I wish Mom didn't feel she had to put out all of her energy to do Thanksgiving. We really tried to help ease the load, and we were successful in some cases. Oh, well. Maybe next year we can do better.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving and taking a cue from Mitch Mayne's post about The Thanksgiving Alphabet Game, I decided to play the game myself. As Mitch says, "The rules are simple: For each letter of the alphabet, name something you’re grateful for. To go a step further (and to make it a little more interesting), it helps to provide a brief statement of why you’re grateful—like I’ve done below. It’s silly, childlike, spiritual and amusing—all things that bring me back to my center."

In that spirit, here goes my list:

A. Acting - I don't know what I'd do without my career. From a very early age, I always knew I wanted to be an actor, and God bless my parents, they were very supportive in encouraging me in my career pursuits. And to actually make a living in my chosen career, which I love, is such a blessing, especially in a career field in which it is very challenging to make a comfortable living. I love playing other people, and especially when I am able to play characters very different from myself, I am allowed the opportunity to see life from a completely different point-of-view. I love acting so much.

B. Books - I love to read. Always have. And learning new things and reading about the experiences and interests of my fellow human beings is very often enriching. I love reading biographies and learning about other people's lives. I love a good, well-crafted piece of fiction. I love books that teach you how to do things, like how to be a better actor; how to compose music; how to speak a foreign language. I just love learning, and books open up a whole new world to me.

C. Christmas - Obviously I think more about it this time of year. I think it's my favorite holiday. I love the lights and music and decorations. I love the spirit of Christmas and hope I am successful at carrying it all the year through. I love the family togetherness. I enjoy the snow (not being in it, just looking at it). And obviously (I hope), I love it's true meaning: remembering and celebrating the birth of the Savior and celebrating the miracles that have been wrought in our lives because of that wondrous event; remembering our fellow man (for when we are in the service of our fellow man, we are in the service of our God. When we serve the least of our brethren (and sisteren), we are serving our Savior).

D. Democracy - Even though the political process can sometimes be annoying, I am very grateful to live in a country where it is the citizens that can, and often do, make positive contributions to how our government and laws function. One can be cynical about it, but what a privilege it is that we can open discuss and debate the problems of the country and that we can vote to change things for the better. Yes, there can be corruption and discord, but what a gift it is to live in a country where we are free to exercise freedom of speech and where our contributions to the democratic process can make a real difference. I wish we could all remember that and not take it for granted like we too often do.

E. Entertainment - I probably spend too much of my time on frivolous entertainment, but I am grateful for games, comedians, TV shows, movies, plays, musicals, music, etc., and I am grateful they are easily accessible. Sometimes I just need to relax or "leave my brain at the door" for a bit, and I'm glad I have so many different kinds of entertainment to help me decompress and, hopefully, teach me something valuable while I'm being entertained.

F. Family - I couldn't ask for a better family. I am grateful for their love and support and am equally grateful for the love and support they give my husband. I love them, and I am glad they are mine.

G. Gifts - Who doesn't like getting a gift, especially when it's unexpected? I appreciate the thoughtfulness involved in procuring a gift for somebody. I also am grateful for the gifts and talents my Heavenly Father has blessed me with, and I hop I am using them to help others draw closer to Him.

H. Heavenly Father - I love my Father in Heaven. I am grateful for his love, mercy, understanding. I am glad I know He is real and glad I know He loves me individually and loves me for who I am and who I can be. I am grateful for His abundant blessings in my life. I am glad I continue to come to a knowledge of just who He is and what He stands for. I am grateful for His ever-encompassing influence in my life.

I. Ice cream - I love it! If there were a Betty Ford clinic for ice cream addiction, I would probably have to check myself in. I'm glad there are so many varieties to choose from, and I'm glad so many of those varieties are chocolate-based.

J. Jonah - Where would I be without the love of my life? I shudder to think it. Jonah is so giving and loving and so full of integrity. He is supportive of me and my dreams; he has helped me be a better person; and I'm glad he and and I are together. I thank the Lord every day for Jonah. I am indeed lucky and blessed that he is mine.

K. Kitchen appliances - I love the convenience of microwaves, dishwashers, stoves, ovens, refrigerators, freezers, toasters, blenders, mixers, crock pots, grills, cookers, food processors, etc. When I think of what my ancestors had to do to store and cook food and wash dishes, I think how incredibly blessed we are to have what we have.

L. Love - Perhaps it's simplistic, but I am grateful to love and be loved. I am grateful for the love of my Heavenly Father, for the love of my Savior, for the love of my spouse, for the love of my family and friends, and even for the love I've experienced at the hands of strangers. Love has a power that is unfathomable in its reach. To experience love and to give is the greatest thing in the world. So many of our world's problems come because individuals have not experienced enough love in their lives or because individuals are not practicing love. Love really can change the world. I truly believe that.

M. Mom - My mom is one of my greatest friends and supporters and, of course, she's my mom. I am truly a mama's boy. I love my mom so much, and because of her and my dad, I am the person I am today, and I am grateful for that.

N. Night - I like nighttime. I like the dark, the quiet, the stars, the moon. It's often a very peaceful time. I am a night person, too. It is my time of day.

O. Optimism - I think I'm a pretty optimistic person (at least I try to be). I've learned in life that I can't control outside circumstance, but I can control my attitude towards them. I truly believe most people are good. I believe that even when things seem dire and full of despair, there is still good to be found. I believe we can learn positive things from even the worst situations. I have a friend who I lovingly call "little black rain cloud." He is very pessimistic and kind of curmudgeon. He's also one of my best friends, and I dearly love him. I try to infuse his life with optimism. He needs it. So many people do. I think it's better to be optimistic than pessimistic. It makes life a lot more enjoyable. I'm grateful I tend to be more optimistic about things.

P. Pizza - Love it! Enough said.

Q. Quiet - I already mentioned this at the beginning of the post. I love quiet. I love silence. I am very comfortable when things are peaceful and still.

R. Rain - Rain often reminds me of my mission in Belgium and France (where it rains a lot). I like the clean smell that often accompanies rain. I like misty rain a lot. I love a sudden shower on a warm summer day. I associate good things with rain.

S. Star Wars - I enjoy the Star Wars series a lot (particularly the original trilogy). I like the idea of good defeating bad, of redemption, of the small and humble things of the universe overcoming the seemingly more powerful and daunting ones. I like that a simple farm boy becomes the hope of the universe and not only succeeds in saving the universe from tyranny, but helps his wayward father find redemption. I also like collecting memorabilia from the movies.

T. Trooper, Blondie, and Chaplin - My three babies. My cats will probably be the closest I ever get to being a father. I miss them a lot. Yes, they aggravate me at times, but they bring me such joy, too. I can't wait to see them and Jonah again.

U. Fashion underwear - I love wearing it. I love the different colors and styles. I love how sexy it makes me feel. I love how it allows me another form of self-expression. I love Jonah in his, too.

W. Andy Williams - I love his smooth and soothing voice. He's been one of my favorite singers for a long time. I also love that I got the chance to actually see him in concert two years ago. What a thrill! I hear he has bladder cancer now. My prayers are with him and his family.

X. X-Rays - I don't necessarily enjoy getting them, but I'm glad they enable a doctor to see what's going on inside of me.

Y. Youth - I like the energy and innocence of youth and wish I had more of it myself. But I am grateful that I still feel very young at heart.

Z. Zoos - I love animals, and I love being able to see so many different kinds of animals. Sometimes I feel bad they can't be out and about in their natural habitats, but I love watching animals that I might never otherwise get a chance to see up close and in person.

Church Attendance

2011-11-16T14:04:00.000-08:00

So the ward I attend has always had the same schedule for years: Priesthood and Relief Society at 9:00 AM, Sunday School at 10:00 AM, and Sacrament Meeting at about 10:50 AM. This schedule works quite well for me. I am not a morning person nor do I opt to attend Priesthood meeting, so I get to church at 10:00 AM just in time for Sunday School, which I enjoy, and then I stay for Sacrament Meeting.

I found out that the higher ups have asked that Sacrament Meeting be first, so starting in January Sacrament Meeting will start at 9:00 AM, followed by Sunday School, and Priesthood. I'm not too excited about this and worry that it will affect my activity negatively when I am in Utah. I'd be more prone to just attend Sunday School in that case. I know that sounds bad, but it's the truth, and since I'm not even an official member anymore, I wouldn't feel as duty-bound to get up that early to go to Sacrament Meeting. I would miss going, though.

The fortunate thing is that I will be back home with Jonah in January after my gig ends, and my ward there doesn't start until 11:00 AM, so I don't really have to worry about this dilemma until I get another Utah job.

Beginning next fall, there will be a big shake-up at one of the theaters where I am consistently employed. This may affect whether I continue working there on a continual basis or not, so who knows? Maybe I'll be home with Jonah on a more regular basis anyway. And that might very well be for the best.

Something Lost And Other Thoughts About Sundays And Church

2011-11-14T22:05:00.000-08:00

Warning: This post meanders a lot, and I'm not even sure what points I'm really trying to make. You have been advised.

I typically try not to shop on Sundays. Old habits die hard, and growing up in the LDS Church taught me that Sundays were not for shopping. Since I have been excommunicated, I don't necessarily have an obligation to "keep the sabbath day holy," but I still try to. Otherwise, Sunday just becomes like any other day, and I like Sunday to be special.

I do not always succeed in making Sunday very special. For one thing, it is my day off of work, which already makes it special, I suppose, but it also means that a lot of the stuff I'm unable to do because of work gets deferred to that day (i.e. shopping, laundry, errands, etc.). My last theatre gig involved my doing two shows on Sunday, so I would go to church, then do two shows, and then, essentially, my day was over. It didn't feel very special as far as worship goes.

Sunday also happens to be Jonah's day off, so when I am home, we do a lot of our shopping on Sundays or we have date nights. Jonah also doesn't have the same upbringing I had, so Sunday shopping and excursions are not a big deal to him, nor do I expect them to be a big deal to him.

So I admit I have gotten out of practice when it comes to using Sunday as a day of rest and worship. But I do try. I attend my meetings (well, except Priesthood), and I do try to use the day as a day of rest, meditation, and thoughtfulness.

On the other hand, I also try to live my life like that in general, anyway. I believe how you are supposedly supposed to act on Sunday is how you should be acting every day of the week. I think about and pray to God all the time. I often use the time I'm taking public transportation to work on the weekdays as a time to meditate or think about spiritual things. No need to confine that just to Sunday. Just yesterday I was reading the Conference edition of the Ensign. I'm not even four talks in yet (I missed Conference when it was on - that happened to be the weekend Jonah and I were at Disneyland)), but I've enjoyed what I've read. I actually read one of the talks in the back of the Ensign first because I had heard part of it when Elder Uchtdorf spoke at Women's Conference, and I had enjoyed what I heard. (I like Elder Uchtdorf!)

In any case, today was one of those days where I made a conscious, concerted exception to my "try not to shop on Sunday" efforts. A new H&M store barely opened near my mom's house (where I stay when I'm in Utah) at Fashion Place Mall, and I was eager to check it out because I like their clothing and prices, and I was also curious to see if they had any good opening day sale-type stuff going on.

Jonah, who likes to shop much more than I do (and certainly likes clothes-shopping more than I do), first introduced me to H&M. There is one near our home, but I had never been there until he took me. Much to my surprise, I actually enjoyed shopping there. I liked the clothing styles, I liked the prices, and for once, clothes-shopping actually felt like fun rather than the chore I usually feel it is. I even bought some stuff (this coming from the guy who doesn't buy clothes until they've either shrunk or have tears, rips, or frays, or are so threadbare that wearing them is impossible (and even then, sometimes I don't!)).

Anyway, I drove to the mall, which I don't frequent very much anymore. When I was a boy growing up in my mom and dad's house, Fashion Place Mall was the place to go if I wanted to shop for miscellaneous items. Also, it was (and still is) close enough to walk or ride my bike to, and I remember feeling very grown-up and independent when I was allowed to ride my bike to the mall by myself.

The mall has changed a ton since I was a kid.

Here is a map of the mall in 1973 (two years after I was born, but looking pretty much how I remember it as a kid growing up), and here is how it looks today. These maps don't really give a great visual, but trust me, today's mall is very different from the one I went to as a kid.

Only a handful of stores remain from the ones I knew as a kid. There's still a Sears, which was the main department store I went to for clothes, Spencer Gifts, Schubach Jewelers, See's Candies, Hot Dog On a Stick, and Chuck-a-Rama are the ones I'm aware are still there, although there may be others I've missed.

Some of the stores long since gone include Kinney Shoes, which is wear Mom took me to get shoes; Swiss Colony, where you could often get free samples of various cheeses (which I liked) and deli meats (which I didn't care for as much, usually because it was something gross like salami or pastrami), and if I recall correctly, my brother worked there very briefly (perhaps it was a holiday season job); Waldenbooks, which is one of the stores I frequented most because I loved (and still do love) to read, and if I had spare money, it often went toward the purchase of a book; or a record from Musicland, which I also frequented, saving up my money for all of the Monkees albums or Weird Al Yankovic or Broadway albums; Farrell's Ice Cream Parlor, where the family might go for a special occasion such as a birthday; Smith's Food King, where we sometimes got groceries (although Mom preferred Harmon's) and was nothing like the mega-grocery store it has turned into today (and is, ironically, where my mom now does the majority of her grocery shopping); Skaggs Drugs, where we would get prescriptions filled, hardware, necessities, and if we were lucky, I remember sometimes my dad would stop there on his way home from work and bring each of us kids a candy bar; UA Cinemas, where I would often go see movies (for only $2.00), Hammonds Toys (later K-B Toys took over that spot), where I would hunt for Star Wars action figures; Winchell's Donuts; and Tilt, the local arcade, whose video games would seem archaic by today's standards of technology, but was an enjoyable place to lose a few quarters, although I didn't frequent it too much because I wasn't very good at video games and would rather not waste my money on them when there were records, books, and movies to be purchased.

Typically, we only got See's chocolates around Christmas time. They're still as good as they were when I was a kid. I remember Chuck-a-Rama (a popular buffet in Utah) actually being inside the mall whereas now it's housed in a separate building on the mall grounds. Orange Julius was where we might go to get a hot dog or hamburger after a long day of shopping, and it was housed in its own shop whereas now it's just part of a much larger food court and shares its space with Dairy Queen. I also remember its mascot was a little devil and the backs of the swivel chairs had devil pitchforks on them. Doesn't seem very PC now, but I liked it. Spencer Gifts always had a lot of adult novelty stuff (pretty tame by today's standards), but I sometimes felt dirty or guilty browsing in there, especially since that was where I could often get a peek at scantily-clad men on calendars and posters and such, and this was during the time when my guilt over my homosexuality was at its worst. I always thought the uniforms at Hot Dog on a Stick (which really hasn't changed much) were tacky. Still do.

Back then the parking lot was pretty easy to maneuver and the mall wasn't too crowded (except at Christmas time). There were a lot of shops, but it wasn't overwhelming. Nowadays, the mall seems clogged with cars and shops and restaurants and establishments, all in a space that wasn't originally designed for such growth. The acreage of the original property remains the same, as far as I can tell; it's just that there are more stores and restaurants in that space than there were when I was a kid. There are also vendors lining the centers of all the walkways of the mall, which I don't remember being the case when I was a lad.

According to this Salt Lake Tribune article, Fashion Place Mall is "one of the most successful regional malls in the West — if not in the country." Now there are a Cheesecake Factory, a Crate and Barrel, an H&M (all of which are the only ones in Utah), an Olive Garden, Applebee's, an Apple store, Banana Republic, Macy's, Victoria's Secret, Bath and Body Works (where I happened to work once and happen to know that at the time I worked there, it was one of the best selling branches in the western region), among others.

It's very close to the freeway and easily accessible. It's centrally located in the Salt Lake Valley and is accessible by State Street, a main thoroughfare. Needless to say, it's much more crowded than it was when I was a kid, and it was a pretty popular mall then.

That was a rather long diversion to get to a point, but here we are: since I hadn't really been to the mall in a while, and certainly not on a Sunday in quite some time, I was kind of taken aback by just how crowded the mall was on Sunday. I mean, it was packed, both the parking lot and the mall itself. I guess it was particularly surprising to me because I remember as a kid, the mall was not a busy place on Sunday. In fact, if memory serves correctly (and it may not), there was a time when the mall wasn't even open on Sunday (at least that is my recollection). In fact, it was hard to find too many businesses open on Sunday when I was a youth (at least around my mom's neighborhood).

When I was growing up, there were a lot of active Mormons in my area, and I suppose this is why a lot of businesses were closed on Sundays. People didn't shop on Sunday (at least the Mormons I knew didn't). It just didn't happen frequently.

As I got older, in my early and late teens, more and more businesses seemed to be open on Sundays, and, in fact, there was a time when my family went to Pizza Hut (when you could actually dine in) on Sundays pretty regularly until we decided it probably wasn't a good sabbath activity (although I still maintain it was - they were great family-bonding times for us).

Nowadays, it isn't rare for a good majority of businesses to be open on Sundays, and I feel like we've lost something. I'm not judging Sunday shoppers. I'm really not (heck, I just outed myself as a Sunday shopper), but I do feel the day has become less special, less set apart, as a result of our treating like any other day (and I think there are a lot of Mormon Sunday-shoppers out there). Maybe I'm just nostalgic for the times I had as a kid when Sunday seemed like a special day where we did activities we didn't do any other day of the week and where activities we did on other days simply weren't appropriate for Sundays.

In any case, I was surprised by the crowds I never would have seen at the mall when I was a kid. H&M was quite crowded due to the fact that it just opened. In fact, we had to stand in line, and a security guard let us in a few at a time so as not to clog the store with too many people. I felt like I was standing in line for a ride at Disneyland.

The store was quite crowded, but there was some nice clothing options, and I bought three tops and some nice fashion underwear. I couldn't try the shirts on at the store because the lines for the fitting rooms were too long, and I had a dinner appointment to get to. I asked what their return policy was (30 day return) and said I was going to try the tops on at home. The salesgirl said she didn't blame me. One of the shirts is a keeper (as is the underwear), one is going back, and one I'm still undecided about (I like it, but am not sure I really have the physique to pull it off; plus, it looks better on its own rather than with a tee shirt or undershirt under it, and I sweat a lot in the armpit area, so I would prefer to wear another shirt under it. I'm still mulling it over.) I do hope to go back to H&M when it is less crowded after the opening day excitement has died down somewhat.

Anyway, it was fun to get some new clothes.

I went to church before I went to H&M (kind of ironic, huh?). I still wonder if I'm getting as much out of attending my Mormon ward as I would like, but there are still aspects of it I enjoy. I like Sunday School. I like the instructor. He's always very prepared and gives good lessons. Some of the people in the class annoy me at times, but I like the class itself. The instructor made a comment recently that I really liked: he said, "I can't be running and look over at a swimmer and say, 'Oh, they've got it so much easier than I do' or 'they should be doing what I'm doing.' I can't judge them nor can I say if their efforts are less valid than mine or if their journeys are easier or harder than mine. We're in two completely different places, and I don't know what it's like for them." I just liked the analogy.

Sunday in class we were reading a scripture in James 1:27: "Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world." The instructor asked why this would be considered the definition of pure religion, and a brother said something pretty simple, yet struck me in a profound way. He said, "Well, isn't that just a reiteration of the two great commandments, 'Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind' and 'Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself'? If we are keeping ourselves 'unspotted from the world,' aren't we showing our love for our Heavenly Father by keeping his commandments, and aren't we loving our neighbors as ourselves by doing such things as visiting and helping the fatherless, the widows, and afflicted?" It just seemed so simple and obvious, but I'd never thought about the particular scripture in those terms before.

It then got me to thinking about how gay people are sometimes unsupported or aided in their afflictions (and I'm not talking about their attractions being an affliction, but how they are sometimes treated, knowingly and unknowingly, by their brothers and sisters, both in the church and out. It made me think of a quote I read on Neal's Pensieve yesterday, which I hope he doesn't mind my sharing:

What struck me this time around is the way the Lord defined those who were righteous and those who were wicked - the sheep and the goats. Righteousness was not defined by Church attendance, keeping the Word of Wisdom, putting on a great Road Show, wearing a white shirt to Church, or serving in a particular calling. The only criteria for righteousness seemed to be how we served our fellow man. How we loved and cared for those around us. That was it. Likewise, wickedness was defined as a selfish absence of service, caring, or love. The other commandments truly pale in importance compared to this crowning principle of love and service. This was one of those profound moments of realization for me.

And then my thoughts turned to the way many of us MoHos are treated. So many of us hunger and thirst for acceptance..., love, dignity, caring, and equality. So many of us are sick of being persecuted and being imprisoned in closets of anonymity. So many of us are naked and exposed to hate, ridicule, insults and the injustice of our society. How sad it will be - how truly sad - when the parent who casts out his own child simply because he is gay finds out he is actually a goat, and not a sheep after all. How sad, indeed, to discover that you have altogether missed the very essence of Christianity.

I think love is the very essence of Christianity. I think when all is said and done, we will be judged most by how we loved and showed love to our fellow man.

There was a good talk in Sacrament Meeting, too. They were mostly stories, but they were entertaining and interesting.

I've been thinking a lot about something Carol Lynn Pearson said in the Circling the Wagons conference. She said one thing we can do proactively is simply to share our experiences with the Brethren without necessarily being condemning or trying to get them to change doctrine. I've really thought about doing this. I just want to write a nice, but frank letter about things members and leaders in the LDS Church could do to improve relations with their gay brothers and sisters. No doctrinal changes; I get that the Brethren are in a tough position as well with this issue; just suggestions on ways things could be improved. I have to really ponder what I want to say, but I feel it is something I may act on.

One last thought. My old bishop, who's now in charge of facilitating Sunday School proceedings, always asks me after the Sunday School lesson has finished to roll the dry erase board into the room in which it is kept. It is a very small thing. I do not know if he asks me to move it simply because he needs assistance moving it or because he knows I desire to feel more needed in the ward, but I appreciate it. I suspect it is the latter. He has such a heart full of love, and I'm sure he must know that it is hard for me to not participate fully. It's gotten to the point where I now move it without being asked, like it's my job. I like that. It may seem insignificant, but it makes me feel like I have a duty of some kind, and it makes me feel like I have a place in the ward. I'm grateful for it as I am grateful for my fellow ward members who go out of their way to make me feel welcome and loved. And that love and thoughtfulness is precisely why I still go.

Circling The Wagons: Part 2

2011-11-07T20:55:00.000-08:00

Continuing on from my last post:

The 2nd Session's main speaker was a former United Methodist minister named Jimmy Creech, who flew in all the way from North Carolina to participate in the conference.

Mister Creech is not Mormon and wrote a book called Adam's Gift, which I intend to read eventually.

Mister Creech started off by telling us that as gay Mormons, we are a part of history. He went on to talk about how he was defrocked as a minister and shared his experiences about Adam, a young man who had come into his office in tears telling him he wanted to leave the church because of how it treated gay people. Creech had not really had any experience or particular interest in LGBT issues at the time. What he did know was that he loved Adam and felt him to be a good person, and it was this meeting that caused his heart to change on this matter.

He said he told Adam that "there is no reason you should believe that God does not love you." He also said, "I do not want you to leave the church," but that no one should remain in an abusive relationship, and that if he felt the church was causing him harm, he would support him. He also said, "Even if you are no longer a member, I'll be your pastor as long as you want me to be.

Adam's humanity is what caused Brother Creech to change his mind and heart. He said it was our job as human beings to help people overcome spiritual damage; to help them know that God loves them; and to teach them to love themselves and love others.

He said sexuality is good. It is a gift He also said he still loved his church, and that in spite of possible resentments we may hold, we need to look at the good things our religions have done. But he also said that a church has no integrity when it talks of God's love, but then commits acts that cause great harm to others. He also said we have to go where truth takes us. He quoted the famous hymn, "Jesus loves me, this I know; for the Bible tells me so."

He said God is not in empty churches with locked doors. God is not in angry voices. God is in those who affirm love with dignity. We said we need to learn to distinguish between institutions and God. God is not limited to an institution. Justice, freedom, equality, dignity, and peace: that is God.

After Mister Creech's remarks, tow guys sang "For Good" from the musical Wicked. This song has personal meaning to me as it was one of the last things my grad school classmates and I performed together before we went our separate ways. It was clear that the two men who sang it cared for each other.

Here are the words:

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
Because I knew you
I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood
Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

And because I knew you...
Because I knew you...
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good.

As they sang the song, it made me think of some of the people who have changed my life for the better, and it made me hope that I have done the same for them and perhaps for others I am unaware of. I had tears in my eyes by the end of the song, and I felt such a strong love in the room.

In fact, that was something I noticed all throughout the day during the different sessions: the love and the spirit that were present. I know God was with us at that conference.

After the song, there was a panel consisting of Bill Bradshaw, Carol Lynn Pearson, and Julia Hunter moderated by John Dehlin. John would ask questions, and then the panel would give their opinions, and members of the congregation could also get up and ask questions or make comments. I didn't always write John's questions down, but here were some of the comments made.

There was the idea that we need to focus on how far we've come.

Bill Bradshaw made the comment that homosexual love is not counterfeit; that gay people have the same kinds of relationships that straight people do and that there love is just as valid. He said we need to get our fellow LDS friends, family, and ward members to use their imaginations to try and put themselves in our shoes.

Carol Lynn Pearson said that just as we wouldn't dream of going back to repeal women's right to vote or go back to the days of segregation, likewise, she thinks in the future this issue will be a non-issue as well. She stressed that we've come a long way. People are more aware, informed, and sympathetic than they once were. But she also stressed that there still must be greater understanding, acceptance, and nurturing on the Church's part, or it will eventually become irrelevant. But she said she also believes the LDS Church and its leaders and members are up to challenge. She said that history doesn't happen on its own; it happens because of the things we do, both big and small. Just being at this conference was such a thing.

Julia Hunter said that gay relationships are just as mundanely lived as straight ones. She said she was also appreciative to live in a country where she had the freedom to be out at all.

When asked what things can be improved,

Carol Lynn Pearson said the Church needs to give parents permission to love their children unequivocally. She said there is this idea that parents either have to choose the church or their children, and that doesn't have to be the case. She said the Church is losing too many good people and families because the Church taught that families come first, and so those people are choosing their children. She said we shouldn't even have to tell people to never withhold their love from their children; they should just know that based on the teachings of Christ.

Bill said people need to stop inadvertently or intentionally saying things about gay people that aren't true. He insinuated that we shouldn't be so locked into the "truth" that we miss the truth. He said the Church should not invite leaders to make statements that are incorrect. People need to stand up in high priest meetings, for example, and stand up against people who are saying ignorant, hurtful, false, or wrong things about gay people.

Julia said she would like to see the Church apologize for past wrongs. There needs to be better education. Bishops need to be taught or trained in such a way that they are better equipped to deal with the issue. Parents need to know that they shouldn't blame themselves. The Church needs to retract harsh rhetoric.

A congregant said the Church could be better at honoring and respecting the relationships that gay people have with one another.

John asked what the panelists would do if they were in the shoes of the Brethren, realizing that they are in a tricky position where it is difficult to do anything that might significantly decrease the numbers of its more conservative members or that wouldn't cause them to be too progressive too quickly.

Carol Lynn said more stakes and wards could follow the examples of her stake in Oakland, for example, or the ward in st in San Francisco that Mitch Mayne belongs to - you can still have outreach programs without contradicting the doctrine of the church. She said it sounds cliche, but the journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step, and you can't know what step 10 is until you've taken steps 1-9.

Julia said she didn't feel safe or acknowledged at church; that she felt invisible, and that this needs to be fixed. People shouldn't make hetero-normative assumptions. If she could feel like she wasn't invisible and be able to be open about who she is or about her relationship, she might return to church. She says she's doing things the church asked her to do by seeking for love and joy, and she has found that in her relationship.

Bill said members of the Church just need to be more Christian. It doesn't mean giving in; they just need to be more compassionate and less judgmental and not accept the loss of so many of the best and brightest.

A congregant said they were holding a fireside in their stake for the very purpose of helping gay and lesbians feel more welcome.

Another congregant said there needs to be more open dialogue from the top down. He also suggested the Church might allow civil unions in chapels in states where gay marriage is legal (I don't see that one happening any time soon).

Another congregant said "Truth is truth, but if tradition isn't working, let it go."

John asked what we personally can do; some practical things we can do ourselves.

Julia said don't stay in the closet. Show them who a gay person is. Be open, loving, and honest. Straight people have the power, so we need to create more straight allies.

Carol said we can write letters to those in authority and express our feelings. Acknowledge that it is a difficult issue for them as well as us. Take the risk to have the hard conversations with local leaders. Share your experiences.

Bill said he didn't have any thing else to say other than that he had great gratitude; that his life has been enriched by the goodness, morality, decency, and love of his gay and lesbian friends. He said his wife said, "Every mother deserves to have at least one gay son."

A congregant said that it begins with us and our allies. There are people in the Church that the Church doesn't know what to do with, and we need to help them figure it out.

At the end of the session, we took another break and then went back for what turned out to be one of my favorite meetings of the day.

The Concluding Session was conducted by an active LDS Bishop named Kevin Kloosterman. He is bishop in a ward in Illinois and flew out here especially for the conference.

He thanked John Dehlin for "seeking out the one." He asked, Isn't it our job as Christians to nurture and love and care for one another?

He said when we do our homework, we will receive inspiration. He talked about his own paradigm shift. He said we can't be Levites and priests (referring to the story of the Good Samaritan) and just shake our heads and walk by. Love unfeigned means no caveats, no strings, no qualifiers. Allies need to walk with their straight loved ones.

He also gave a good talk at Sunday's session, which I was not able to attend, but I have read the transcript, which is here.

After Bishop Kloosterman's talk, a guy sang a song called "Blessing." I didn't care for the song itself, but I did like the sentiment, which seemed to be the yearnings of this person for those around him to give his love for another man their blessing.

After the song, we had a kind of testimony meeting. I really enjoyed that part of the conference. It was definitely a testimony meeting, but an unorthodox one compared to regular sacrament meeting testimony meeting. I liked it a lot. There was such a wide range of people: active straight Mormons, active gay Mormons, non-practicing gay Mormons, non-Mormons, atheists, people with hard feelings towards the LDS Church, people who had reconciled their feelings with the Church, etc. All sorts of people, and it was just great to hear everyone's experiences and where they stood in their faith or spirituality or sexuality. Throughout, it was so interesting for me to see where various people were on their particular journeys.

Here are just a few thoughts from various people who "bore their testimonies":

- God is love. Am I living a good life today? Isn't that what it's about?

- It's a privilege to bear a testimony of sorts when you no longer can as an excommunicated member (boy, can I relate to that!) Feelings of anger, bitterness, and resentment, while often justifiable, are also soul-destroying and ultimately unhealthy.

- A guy said he came to the realization that something he struggled with for so long never needed to be a struggle. God loves us and is aware of us and cares where we're going.

- It's okay that we're gay.

- One straight lady just said, "All of you are so beautiful," and I really felt the truth and power of her words. We are. It's true. She said, in regards to how homosexuals are often thought of and treated in the Church, "I won't accept it. God is love. When two people love each other, God is there. Truth is there."

- One boy said, "I just want to be home," meaning he wanted to be what God's true church is supposed to be. He gave an analogy of how there was no space for Mary and Joseph when they went to Bethlehem, so they created their own space in the stable, and that space has come to be one of the most beautiful and sacred spaces in all of Christendom. He said he could create that same kind of space for us.

-One girl stood up, and I sensed a lot of unhappiness and conflict within her. She seemed overwhelmed and unable to talk at first. The silence as all ears were tuned to her was very loud. It made me feel the love and care we as a group had for her and her welfare. (Attention was paid to her.) She lamented that in her prayers she would tell the Lord, "I don't know what to do. (a refrain I remember well from my own prayers when I was at the stage she is in of her journey). She felt the Lord say to her, "Do what makes you happy. You are my child." She talked of how her family isn't very supportive and in quite conservative and how much she wanted to come to this conference and how she couldn't afford it, but that her cousins paid for her to be there and even drove her there.

- We create our life and experiences. We are creators of how we want to live.

- One guy said he was an atheist who believes in God, so he knows what it's like to be in even more of a minority. Not sure how that works, but I don't doubt he was sincere.

- One self-described straight "pissed-off Primary lady" advised us (and herself) to be a part of the Mormon community on your own terms. Be the kind of Mormon you want to be. She said the love in the room was palpable and is what we are missing at church. If you don't feel loved at church, it's their loss. "We need what you have."

- If you strive to do the best you can, you are fulfilling the Creator's design. He called himself a "gay God in embryo." (That got quite a laugh.)

- An active woman whose daughter recently came out said she was thankful for all the wonderful drama in her life. She said God is bigger than the Church. There's a place for everyone. She loves the gospel of Jesus Christ and is grateful for every good thing she was taught in church.

- I believe it was a lesbian who helps run a gay support system at BYU who said, "There's no road map" for what she and her peers are doing. We're in uncharted territory, figuring it out as we go.

- John Dehlin closed by saying that as far as his own struggles, there are two things he can't deny: 1. There's meaning in life. Whether or not there is a God, he doesn't believe life is random, and so he has chosen to go on faith. 2. Whenever he worked towards a righteous goal, a higher power of some sort would come to his aid. He said he is just trying to do some good (and I believe he has done much good for many people). He talked about the toll Mormon Stories has sometimes taken on his family and thanked them for their support. He said that doing good does require sacrifice and comes at a cost. This conference all came from the idea of "what if we had a gay general conference," and John was so pleased at how well it came together because it was hard worked and required many people to pull it off, and that all that hard work would have meant little if we all hadn't shown up. He said, sure, we could plan a conference, but it only had validity if people showed up, and he thanked us for that. He said you don't have to abandon spirituality. Take a leap of faith. He quoted Jim Dabakis from the night before (a session I did not attend): "Find something you believe in, that fills you wish passion, that lights you up, and if you do, miraculous things will happen." If everyone did that, the world would change.

There was a closing prayer, and then we mingled and had pizza. I met a few people and had some really great experiences which are too personal to share here, unfortunately, but I left the conference feeling really good.

Two things particularly struck me: I felt such a love and spirit in those meeting that is sometimes lacking in regular LDS Church meetings, and I found that kind of sad. If it is indeed the "one true church," as it proclaims, why is that spirit sometimes missing? We need to work on that. (I guess they need to work on that; I'm no longer a member.) The other was that many who spoke and some of the organizers were all straight, and I found it touching that there are so many straight allies willing to reach out in an effort to help their gay and lesbian brothers feel more welcome, accepted, and understood. If they do a conference like this again, I would love to attend if I am able. I was fortunate to be able to do so this time around.

Circling The Wagons

2011-11-06T21:48:00.000-08:00

I always said I would continue attending the LDS Church as long as it kept working for me. Thus far it has, but there are days when I wonder if I need more. I've mentioned in past posts that it is sometimes hard as an excommunicated member to not be able to participate fully in church meetings. I miss giving talks, bearing testimony in Sacrament Meeting, making comments in classes, etc. I've continued going to church with limited participation, and most of the time I am fine with it, but there are some days when I tire of it.

One of the ironies for me, too, is that I actually attend a very great ward. Many people know that I am gay. People are compassionate, kind, supportive, and welcoming. I have very loving leaders. Even today, after a two month absent after being out-of-state, I had so many people come up to me and make me feel welcome, telling me how much they had missed me and how nice it was to see me again. I love these people and care about them, and I know many of them care very much about me. I enjoy listening to lessons and testimonies. I enjoy what I still get out of going. And yet...

...There is still that part of me that desires more participation, more activity, more of a voice. I'm tired of sitting in obedient silence.

Today in testimony meeting, I so wanted to share the feelings of my heart and couldn't do so. Now I realize that is a consequence of my own actions and choices. Fine. But could I not find a place where I can share more of myself and who I am without being judged or reprimanded for it? I could.

I go to my Mormon ward by choice. I go there because there are still things I very much like about it. I go there because I enjoy the associations of others who go there. I go there because it feels like home in many ways. I go there because it feels comfortable in many ways. I go there to be an example of what a gay Mormon can be and to maybe change people's perceptions. But is it enough? Some days it is; other days it is not.

Yesterday I attended the main session of the Circling the Wagons conference for LGBTQ Mormons, and I found it very moving and edifying. I was also very pleasantly surprised at the turnout as well. A swath of people from all across the spectrum of what it is to be gay and Mormon as well as their straight families, friends, and allies.

It was a bit of a trip getting there as it was snowing pretty heavily, but I was determined to go, and most of my trip felt safe.

It was kind of like being at a gay General Conference, which was kind of the idea. It felt like a church meeting, but one where you felt full fellowship and acceptance, and I quite appreciated that, especially because it is something that is sometimes lacking in an LDS ward. It made me see the possibilities of what could one day, hopefully, be.

I found it ironic that such a meeting of fellowship and love focused on gay Mormons (and gay ex-Mormons) should be held in a Baptist church (and thanks to those very generous Baptists for furnishing the building). Oh, that our own religion could be so supportive of its members and once-members who have felt ostracized, disenfranchised, and unwelcome! Why is that? Why is it that the place we should be able to turn to most for love, support, acceptance, and fellowship is sometimes the place we least feel we are getting it? Why is it that way? Why does it have to be that way?

The LDS Church is losing so many good people because of this issue and because of an inability to help its gay members feel welcome and loved. There are wards, stakes, and individuals out there who are doing well at effectively reaching out to their gay brothers and sisters, but they seem to be the exception rather than the rule? Why?

And why does positive change seem to come from the bottom rather than the top? Why does the LDS Church seem to be behind the curve on this issue.

Look, I'm not even saying the Church must change its doctrine on the issue. That would be nice, but I don't think it's going to happen. But it's always seemed their solutions and answers aren't working for most gay members. It seems these gay souls spend lifetimes doing exactly what the Church requires of them only to fail. Some leave the Church, feeling betrayed by it. Others lose faith in God completely. Others are ostracized by their families or friends. Others live lives of unfulfillment, still trying to live life as the Church has directed, but feeling empty and without the kind of love they long for. Some get married, only to have it not work out, leaving a wake of divorce, broken families, and hurt ex-spouses. Many find joy outside of the Church, which is a shame (for the Church, I mean), because that means the Church is losing a lot of great people.

Why is it this way? Others might argue, "Well sin is sin. The Lord teaches what the Lord teaches, and prophets and apostles can't change what the Lord commands." I guess what's confusing to me, then, is why, if homosexual relations are sinful (which I don't believe they are, but go with me on this), why are do so many gay people (myself included) find such joy, peace, and happiness in their relationships? I can assure you, it isn't fabricated or imagined, and I know many gay people who will back me up. Why, if we are sinning, do so many of us feel much happier, fulfilled, and at peace with ourselves than we did when we were trying so hard to live according to the teachings of the LDS Church? It doesn't seem to me that the adversary is capable of creating genuine feelings of happiness, joy, and peace, and yet, I can assure you, that is what I feel. Furthermore, I feel closer to God in my life than I did six years ago (before I was out), and Jonah and I both feel he blesses our union and our lives. Why is that, if it's supposedly wrong?

Our relationship is based on love. It really is. And, to me, it seems that where love is, there God is also.

As for yesterday's conference, the first session was conducted by our very own Invictus Pilgrim (and by the way, thanks to him, John Dehlin, Anne Peffer, and the others who helped organize the conference). It was nice to put a face to the blog. As he read the mission statement of the conference, I could sense some of the past pain he has felt in his journey. I'm glad he is in a better place now.

Lee Beckstead gave the first talk. Some of the points he made included:
- Adam and Eve made a choice that seemingly distanced them from God, but nevertheless, God was always with them.
- He talked about how some therapists try to fix people's sexuality and that "the solution of trying to fix homosexuality ultimately becomes the problem.
- He talked about how you can't cut off a part of yourself without causing harm.
- What matters most in life is love; not suppressing, submission, denial, or shame. Acceptance, understanding, compassion, and forgiveness are key.
- We have to give ourselves permission to be who we are without shame.
- We have to each find our own individual path to what makes us happy, whatever that is. If we seek truth, we will learn more about what is right for us, and happiness will follow.

Carol Lynn Pearson recited her poem "Pioneers" and then a chorus sang an original composition based on that poem.

Carol Lynn Pearson then spoke. I really enjoyed her remarks. Her initial comments appealed to me as an actor since she was using stage metaphors. She said, "Today the curtain is up. You are the star and the playwright. What do you want your story to be?" She said, well, obviously, you would want to be the hero and then used Joseph Campbell's book, The Hero with a Thousand Faces [full book here] as the basis of her talk, comparing our journey as gay Mormons with the hero's journey in Campbell's book.

This is a book with which I am somewhat familiar as it highly influenced George Lucas when he created the Star Wars stories. Campbell's theories are evident in such works as The Lord of the Rings trilogy, the Harry Potter series, pretty much every superhero story, and The Lion King, just to name a few examples. Because I was familiar with Campbell's ideas, it made Carol Lynn Pearson's talk even more relevant to me.

She talked about twelve ideas in Campbell's book:

1. The ordinary world (meaning the Mormon community in which we grew up and were nurtured)

2. The call to adventure (this is the term Campbell uses, but Carol Lynn asked us if we had ever thought of it as a "call to adventure"? These are the moments when we realize we are different or unusual. We don't realize it, but we are called to be seekers. Perhaps our calling is to help others see homosexuality in a different light.

She gave a quote by Alan Alda: "Our world suffers from testosterone poisoning."

3. Refusal of the call - most, if not all gay people have done this, where we try our very best not to be gay.

4. Meeting with the mentor - in Campbell's theory, this is usually an older, wiser individual (an Obi-Wan Kenobi, a Gandalf, a Dumbledore, or a Mufasa, for example), but for Carol Lynn Pearson's purposes, this can be anybody who influences us to walk the path; someone who helps you realize your sexuality is a gift, not a curse; a pioneer (or pioneers) who shows us the way.

5. Crossing the threshold - this is an emotional experience that changes your life; a leap of faith which causes you to truly acknowledge this part of your identity. It can be something like falling in love, for example (and certainly was, in my case, the very thing that caused me to "cross the threshold.").

6. Encounters, tests, allies, etc. - This new world is different than the one we have been accustomed to. This is where we "figure out how to be a gay person." This is a place where some souls get lost, falling prey to addictions, predators, promiscuity, and engaging in other activities that can be physically, emotionally, and spiritually damaging. Pearson advised people in that stage of the journey not to get lost. She also said it's partly the "tribe"'s fault (meaning the Church or family members) because sometimes their actions push us away or make us feel unloved or unworthy and so we seek love and affection in other, sometimes unhealthy, places.

Pearson also advised people not to give up spirituality. Some think God is no longer their ally because they have been so often told what God thinks of them by others, but this is not true.

7. Approach the in-most cave

8 Supreme ordeal - She said this could be equivalent to a time when gay people consider suicide. She warned against that. She said no matter what we think or are told, we are a part of the plan.

9. Reward - seizing the story - She said we must always be mindful of those who didn't make it.

10. The road back - She said this didn't necessarily mean coming back to the Church, but finding peace with our community. She said people back home are starving, and we need to bring the food back. They need what we have. Our tribe is starving.

11. Resurrection - One final sacrifice - the warrior self must die, so the innocent can be reborn. This means we must refuse to live a life of bitterness. We must have forgiveness in our hearts and continue to hold on to the precious things we have been taught. Peace of mind. Learn to be an activist in a positive way.

12. Return with the elixir - Share the treasure with the tribe. We can relate anew to the community. Love is the elixir, and it cures all ills. There are different forms of the elixir for different people. Some may find it in a committed gay relationship, others may find it in a mixed-orientation marriage, others may find it in a life of celibacy. Whatever our path is, we must write our stories well.

After Sister Pearson's remarks, the chorus sang "Be Still, My Soul," which I thought was an appropriate number.

We had a break after the first session and mingled and had refreshments. I bought a copy of an issue of Sunstone Magazine that contains a play I have been interested in reading called Borderlands, which I haven't read yet.

We then had breakout sessions. There were six possible sessions we could choose from, but could only go to one in the time allotted. They were:

1. a panel on the differences between Affirmation, Family Fellowship, North Star, and Evergreen with a representative (or someone with first-hand experience) from each group.
2. The Power of Authenticity as Mormon Lesbian
3. A Father's Journey Towards Understanding Homosexuality
4. What Helps (and Hurts) in Resolving Sexual, Religious, and Social Conflicts
5. A National Perspective on Church and LGBTQ Issues
6. LGBTQ History in Utah over the Past 30 Years.

# 4 and #6 sounded the most interesting to me. I really debated about which one to go to, but I decided a history lesson was what I was more in the mood for, so I chose to go to #6. Although hosted by Jim Dabakis, the majority of the time was taken by Ben Williams, a historian, and who probably knows more about gay history in Utah than anyone. I read his column, Lambda Lore in QSalt Lake Magazine and quite enjoy it. I like history, I'm gay, and grew up Mormon, so I thought it might be fun and interesting to hear some of the history of gay Utah, and it was.

Williams said the majorities like to wipe away the history of the minorities. He said he was striving to make sure that never happened. He talked about (and I agree) how neat it is to see how things have changed and gotten better for the gay community in Utah over the years. He said we are not invisible and that gay people are some of the most heroic people who have existed and currently exist. We are a people with a rich history, culture, and identity. But he also said that Utah has a lot of "walking wounded" in the gay community. We are still an oppressed minority who still undergo a constant stream of negativity from various sources. There are still many who are mired in addictions or unsafe sexual practices.

Jim Dabakis said he feels the battle for gay rights is already being won, "the chairs just need to be shuffled" and the details need to be worked out. I agree with him. I think gay rights are a rolling stone that can't be stopped. He also said the younger generation is more open to the plight of gay people, and that as the older generation continues to die off, progress will continue to be made.

Williams also told some interesting anecdotes from gay history in Utah. I didn't write any of them down, preferring to just listen to them, but there was some interesting stuff, and Williams certainly knows his history.

After the breakout sessions, we had some time to go to lunch. I went a Zupa's, an eatery I quite enjoy. If you like sandwiches, soups, and salads (or all three), I highly recommend it. Some groups from the conference went to lunch together, but I preferred my alone time and wanted to process some of the stuff I'd felt and experienced in the conference thus far. It was nice.

Well, it's time for me to go to bed. I have work tomorrow, and I'm tired. I will write about the other two sessions I went to when I have a chance to do so.

The Tempest

2011-11-04T16:00:00.001-07:00

The Tempest cover art by Val Bochkov

Last night I saw a really wonderful production of The Tempest at Pioneer Theatre Company in Salt Lake City. I thought it was fantastic. A truly magical and enlightening theatre experience, which is what one often hopes for, but doesn't always get, when one goes to a play.

I say this, too, as someone who has never particularly liked The Tempest. I enjoy Shakespeare very much, but The Tempest has never really resonated with me (maybe because I'd never seen a production of that moved me like last night's did). It always seemed that Prospero was just being a jerk and meddling in the lives of those around him or who wronged him. I never empathized with him, and he's pretty much the focus of the show.

I was in a production of The Tempest about 16 years ago. It was my first time doing a full-length Shakespearean play. I had a very small part and, frankly, didn't know what I was doing. But I was very excited (and yes, scared) to be doing Shakespeare for the first time (aside from class work) in front of an audience.

I fully confess I didn't "get" the play at the time, and maybe that, too, is why I've never quite attached to it. But last night was a revelation. Some of the themes which seem so obvious now somehow eluded me when I'd read or seen the show in the past.

I realized that much of the play is really about Prospero learning to let go; letting go of his anger and need for vengeance against those who wronged him even though they did, indeed, wrong him; letting go of those whose lives he's tried to control; letting go of his need to control everything; letting his daughter grow up; letting go of bitterness, letting go of his magic, letting go of the things that hold him back, etc. Somehow I missed all that even though it's so plain and obvious.

I found the director's notes quite enlightening. The production was directed by Chuck Morey, with whom I have worked before, and who I think is quite a brilliant director.

Chuck wrote, "The Tempest is about sin and redemption, revenge and mercy, black magic and white magic - but ultimately about grace. I use the term not totally but certainly in resonance to its theological meaning: 'being at one with God.' In secular terms you might alter that to read: 'being at one with oneself and one's place in the universe.' It is, in effect, a long meditation on that profound tow-word line from Hamlet, 'LET BE.' The progress of the play is very distinct: Prospero's movement from a state of anger and need for revenge to forgiveness, acceptance, peace - a state of grace. Prospero's journey also has something of a Faustian arc to it as well: the man who has achieved much but seeks more and studies the occult not for the sake of knowledge itself, but in an attempt to control not only the human world, but the natural and even the supernatural and in so doing endangers his very soul."

Seeing this particular production made me see The Tempest in a completely fresh and different way. I also thought the costumes and special effects were used very well. The first three or so minutes of the show were completely with dialogue and set the mood beautifully. Just those first three minutes were worth my time.

There were also many unspoken moments that are not directly in the text, but are certainly supported by it that made so much of the play more clear and relevant to me.

I thought about how the play relates to me personally: the things I hang on to or carry that ultimately are not useful to me. I thought about how gay people can find peace with themselves and with God or "at one with oneself and one's place in the universe" when society, religion, and other forces don't always make that very easy. How can people be comfortable in their own skins, wherever they are in life? What are the things we carry that are harmful to us? If we've been wronged (by a person, an organization, or our life experiences, for example), do we hang on to the anger and bitterness and need for vengeance or retribution, for example? Is it helping or hindering our souls to do so? Do we hang on to old habits or customs as a crutch or do we really need them? How do we let go of things?

These are themes that have really resonated with me the past year or so, and I think I saw this production at a perfect time when these questions were already running in my brain.

I've always loved the theme of redemption and forgiveness in movies, television, and literature. I have a hard time believing that anybody is incapable of receiving forgiveness and redemption if they are truly penitent. I also think that those who are unable or unwilling to forgive do more damage to their own souls than to the souls of those who have wronged them. Their inability or unwillingness to forgive may be justifiable or understandable, but I still maintain that holding onto negative feelings isn't good for a person's soul.

I truly feel at peace in my life, and I am grateful for that because it is something that eluded me for many years of my life. I do feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't tend to hang on to grudges or negative feelings. That doesn't mean there still isn't stuff in my life that I ought to get rid of, but I feel I'm doing well. I am happy. More and more I believe that God doesn't care one whit whether I am gay or not. I think He's more interested in my ability to improve my own life and the lives of those around me; to love and be loved; to be happy; to be joyful; to build people up; to help; to serve. Those are the things I think He is most looking at. I truly believe that God is happy that I am happy. My life is better than it was 6 years ago. No doubt about it. And I think that's the best testimony of all.

I'm going to the Circling the Wagons conference tomorrow. Not sure what to expect, but I am interested to see what it wants to be and what it ultimately is and am interested to hear the experiences of others to whom the subjects of homosexuality and Mormonism are important, wherever they may be in their own journies.

The Tempest closes tomorrow (Saturday). Go see it if you can. I highly recommend it.

The Music Of My Heart

2011-10-27T16:18:00.000-07:00

I've always been a pretty musical person. Music was always been instrumental in my life. In fact, if someone told me today that I either had to live the rest of my life completely deaf or completely blind, I would choose blindness because I couldn't bear to be without music. I would miss seeing things, but not being able to hear the sounds of so many different kinds of music, the melodies, the harmonies, etc. is something I would miss far more.

I love analyzing music and asking why a composer chose that particular melodic phrase or that particular harmony or that particular accompaniment. I love the beauty dissonant harmonies can create. I love analyzing the poetry of different lyrics. I love the different ways in which music can move me. I like a good catchy tune, but I also like listening to very intricate and hard-to-predict melodies as well.

I don't have perfect pitch, but I do have relative pitch. That is to say, if I hear a tone in relation to another tone or hear the starting pitch of a song, for example, eventually I can find it on my own without having to hear it. If I sing a song several times, for example, then my body how the notes feel to me, and I am able to find them without help. I also can recognize if a song is in a different key than the one I learned it in. Or if I have songs on a CD in a particular order, when one song ends, I know what note the next song will start on. But I can't just hear a specific note and tell you what it is (I have friends that can do that). I'm also good at immediately recognizing if somebody is flat or sharp and am also good at not going flat or sharp myself. I'm pretty good at sight reading vocal parts and once I've memorized a part, I can sing it well. This is especially useful when singing tight or dissonant harmonies (meaning I am good at staying on my part even if someone is singing something that clashes with my part. This has come in handy in shows like Forever Plaid, Sweeney Todd, and White Christmas, for example.

I used to compose music a lot. I'm primarily a singer, but I can play the piano a bit. I can sight read, but my finger placement on the piano is not very good, so my hands can't keep up with my eyes. I can play a bit by ear, too. I can hear a melody on the piano and pick it out easily. In fact, it took me some time that not everyone had this skill. I'm also pretty good at hearing harmonies or accompaniments and picking them out. Other friends are much better at it than I am, but I'm fairly good.

Sometimes I will hear a tune in my head and hear harmonies and play around until I can play what I'm hearing in my head. Occasionally I'll accidentally play a harmony I like better and substitute it. I especially like dissonant or unusual harmonies.

I took music theory and know some stuff, but I would like to take it again and refresh my memory and hone my talents a little better. I think I could compose and fake my way through songs better if I did.

When I was in high school and my undergrad, I composed a lot of songs. I wrote scores for musicals I dreamed of one day writing and often used music as a way to work out feelings I was having about various things in my life. I still have all the songs I ever completed. Some I only have on tape; others I wrote out. I also have some unfinished pieces. Some still hold up well, in my opinion. Others aren't that good. And I admit, my piano skills are not sharp enough to play some of the more complex things I wish I could play. The accompaniments for most of my songs are pretty easy to play, I would imagine. I've always wanted to get a really good music writing software program and a keyboard, but my expenses never seem to allow it, and because composing is more of a hobby, I've never actually done it.

Well I especially fall short in my earlier compositions are the lyrics. There are some good ideas, but some of the rhymes seem forced or syllables are put on the wrong stress or I try to force too many lyrics into a particular melodic phrase. Some are just plain bad, period. As I've gotten older, I've gotten better, but I would still say that I am a better composer than lyric-writer. I still have some songs I'm especially proud of. Others I've considered tweaking or reworking now that my skills are better.

And, of course, I do have a certain style, so many of my songs sound the same. I try to avoid it, and sometimes I succeed, but many of them do have a similar feel.

I don't really know why I stopped writing. I used to do it so often when I was younger. In fact, it was a nice way to work through feelings and it was something I really enjoyed doing. I think I just got lazy or wondered what the point really was.

The last major song I wrote was in 1999, I think. I diddled around a bit, but I think that was the last really complete song I wrote (and actually, it's one I still like very much). Then I just sort of stopped. It wasn't conscious; it just happened. Life just got busy. Plus I didn't always have access to a piano, so I just sort of stopped composing. I played the piano often (still do), but it was always other people's work or, occasionally, I'd pull out an old song of mine and play through it to see if I still liked it. I don't know why I never wrote anything new.

Occasionally, a melody would pop into my head, but instead of playing with it, I just let it go, forever lost to the ages. About two weeks ago, a melody popped into my head as well as an idea of what I wanted the song to be about. I really liked the melody, so I started playing around with it on the piano, and I'm pleased with what I came up with (although I do wish my piano skills were more proficient, so I could create a really interesting accompaniment. I still feel my lyrics are my weak spot. I like a lot of what I've come up with as far as ideas, but I'm not sure the execution works well with the melody.

In any case, it's kind of fun to be composing again after such a long hiatus. It makes me remember how much I enjoyed doing it in the first place. I still would like a software program, so I don't have to write this all out in long hand. I'm done with the melody, harmonies, and accompaniment, for the most part, but I'm still working on some lyrics. In any case, it's close to being done. I'm glad I took the time to do it (it helps that I''m currently unemployed (although not for long).

I'm not even sure why I posted this. It was just on my mind. It's just fun to have another creative outlet back in my life after being on the back burner for so long.

Scavenger Hunt: My "Guilty Pleasure" Movie

2011-10-12T18:44:00.000-07:00

Many people have a movie they love to watch, but which they also know isn't that great of a film. For me, that movie is the 1979 bomb Scavenger Hunt:

Of this movie TVGuide.com calls it "[a]n all-star, all-stupid comedy attempt that proves, once again, no actor can triumph over bad material." and further laments, "[h]ow all of these funny actors could have been seduced into working on such a waste of time, money, and effort is a mystery."

The New York Times said "[t]he cast of 'Scavenger Hunt' spends a lot of time searching for good gags, in vain." and speculates that, "When a movie's jokes are so noticeably without punch lines, only a mood of uproarious confusion can save the day. [Director Michael] Schultz takes an orderly approach that only makes the movie more of a mess."

Answers.com, which gives a nice synopsis of the plot and contains one of my favorite reviews, says "This utterly wretched comedy succeeds in at least one respect: it captures the most hideous overtones (aesthetic and otherwise) of the late 1970s. Moreover, the film so wallows in desperation that it first becomes exhausting, and then, eventually, suicidally depressing." It further states that "nothing - not a single godforsaken miserable moment of this movie - elicits so much as one laugh," and wonders "[h]ow in the world Michael Schultz...managed to come up with such a dog, when they had such vast talent at their disposal, is completely baffling."

While I have been unable to locate actual quotes from such critics as Roger Ebert, Gene Siskel,and Leonard Maltin, I know they all had unfavorable reviews of this film.

I'll be the first to admit it: Scavenger Hunt is not a great movie. It is not particularly well-made, a lot of its humor is politically incorrect, it's kind of dumb, its gags are very broad, its characters are one-dimensional, and some of the film's situations over-stretch the limits of believability quite a bit. An award-winning masterpiece it isn't.

Its never even been released on DVD. You can only view it on VHS (or if you're really desperate to watch it, you can catch it in ten-minute segments on YouTube).

But I will also freely admit that I have easily seen this movie 300+ times, can quote the dialogue verbatim, have never tired of it, and still laugh every time I watch it. It's hard for me to admit this because I can be a movie snob at times. But it's 100% true. I love Scavenger Hunt!

This movie is a very, very poor man's version of the much wittier, much better made classic, It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (which I also love). It stars a virtual cornucopia of famous faces from the late 1970s including Cloris Leachman (of Young Frankenstein and "Mary Tyler Moore" fame),

James Coco (Murder By Death (also a favorite of mine),

Roddy McDowall (Planet of the Apes, The Poseidon Adventure, and several Disney movies including Bedknobs and Broomsticks, That Darn Cat, and The Cat from Outer Space),

Scatman Crothers (The Shining),

Richard Benjamin (The Sunshine Boys, Love at First Bite),

Cleavon Little (Blazing Saddles),

Richard Mulligan ("Soap" (also another favorite), "Empty Nest"),

Tony Randall ("The Odd Couple", Pillow Talk, "Love, Sydney"),

Dirk Benedict ("Battlestar Galactica", "The A-Team"),

and the feature film debut of Willie Aames ("Eight is Enough", "Charles in Charge").

Like It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World Scavenger Hunt also contains some surprise cameo appearances by such people as Meat Loaf (The Rocky Horror Picture Show), Ruth Gordon (Harold and Maude, My Bodyguard),

Vincent Price (who doesn't have a single on-camera spoken line (although he does have an off-camera monologue)), Liz Torres, Carol Wayne, Pat McCormick, Avery Schreiber,

and Arnold Schwarzenegger (yes, that Arnold Schwarzenegger!).

The general premise of the movie is that Milton Parker, the wealthy president of a game and toy company (played by Vincent Price) dies

and makes the heirs of his estate play a game: "a scavenger hunt, to be exact" to win his estate. Essentially, there are five teams competing for the estate:

1.Parker's widowed sister Mildred Carruthers (Cloris Leachman), her lawyer, Stuart Selsome (Richard Benjamin), and bratty adult son, Georgie (Richard Masur).
2.Parker's son-in-law Henry Motley (Tony Randall) and his four kids.
3.Parker's nephews Jeff and Kenny Stevens (Dirk Benedict and Willie Aames) (who also end up having Mildred's stepdaughter Lisa (Maureen Teefy) on their team).
4. Parker's servants; chauffeur Jackson (Cleavon Little), French chef Henri (James Coco), French maid Babbette (Stephanie Faracy)and butler Jenkins (Roddy McDowall)
5.Taxi driver Marvin Dummitz (Richard Mulligan) (why, you ask? Watch the movie, and you'll find out).

Of course, it becomes a crazy free-for-all as everyone fights to obtain the items needed to win, and even crazier when the villains of the piece, Carruthers, Selsome, and Georgie, cheat in order to win.

I first saw this movie in the theater with my family in 1979. Being 8 years old at the time, the humor was totally up my alley. It was basically family-friendly fare, and many of the jokes are, admittedly, on a level that an eight-year old would appreciate. And although I may have seen him in other films prior to this, Roddy McDowall made a very distinct impression on me when I first saw this film and is also why he's on this list.

I also distinctly remember seeing a rerelease of the film (sometime in the early 80s, although I'm not sure why a movie that did so poorly at the box office would have been rereleased, but I know I saw it with my cousin and his friends) and being excited to see it again and loving it just as much as I did the first time I saw it.

When I had the chance to record the show off of television with my brother's very top-of-the-line VCR (which would seem extremely antiquated by today's standards - its remote was connected to the VCR by a cord, for goodness sake), I was filled with glee. Now, I had my own copy of the movie (albeit edited-for-television), and I watched it nearly every day after school for months and months (no joke), and the poor quality of the recording, the edits, and places where the tracking on the tape would jump or cause screen static is still ingrained in my mind.

Eventually, my tape was worn from being played so much, and so I did something illegal: I rented a VHS copy of the tape from a video store and used my video camera (also antiquated by today's standards) to pirate a copy of my beloved movie. I still have that copy and still pull it out when I want to watch it (which is still fairly often), but I do admit that the there are scenes in the full version that I don't know the dialogue as well because I watched the edited version so many times). It is, however, nice to have the entire movie complete with scenes I did miss when watching the edited version.

The team I love the most is the servants, and I root for them no matter how many times I see the movie and regardless of whether they do or not (you'll have to watch the movie if you care to find out). Stephanie Faracy (a relative newcomer at the time)

always cracks me up as the ditsy Babbette and her interplay with the exasperated Henri (James Coco) always amuses me. Roddy McDowall is so classy, and I love how put-together he remains when many of the other characters are a shambles by the movie's end. Cleavon Little is funny, too.

I adore Cloris Leachman, and even though she, Richard Benjamin, and Richard Masur are painted with a very one-dimensional brush as the villains, I enjoy their chemistry. Richard Masur, who may very well be embarrassed by his role in this movie, is terrific (and stereotypical) as an obnoxious, bratty man child and the comedic tension between him and Richard Benjamin's Stuart Selsome makes me laugh.

Tony Randall is underused, I admit, and his over-eager father doesn't have much to do, but I enjoy his scene with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Richard Mulligan, who I thought was brilliant in the TV show "Soap", is funny as Marvin Dummitz. Yeah, he's another stereotype as a very dimwitted cab driver, but he'a great actor, and I admit I find his antics amusing, and I enjoy his scenes with the delightful Scatman Crothers.

Dirk Benedict (who I also had a crush on as a child) and Willie Aames are fun in their roles, especially when they latch on to two separate characters played by Stuart Pankin and Marji Martin (who I love as Kay; also her film debut).

Why do I enjoy this movie? Well, for one thing, it has a talented cast. While it is true the material is sub-par, most of the actors and actresses who perform it are very funny people and I feel they elevate it somewhat.

I love the music. The composition that plays over the opening credits is my favorite song. It starts with a kind of serious-sounding harpsichord solo, and while the song itself has a somewhat serious, classical sound, the scattered letters that make up the title and the animated ostrich head that pops up and down lets you know the movie isn't going to take itself seriously.

There is some fun scoring in the soundtrack, but one of my favorite moments is the use of Peter Tchaikovsky's Russian Dance from The Nutcracker (which morphs into a cheesy late 70s-style pop song called "Play to Win") as the backdrop for a car chase. (Other compositions from The Nutcracker are used in funny robbery scene involving the servants (in which James Coco makes me giggle with his "I can't see! I have no holes! I can't see! in his French accent (watch the movie)))

I also enjoy the little ditty Scatman Crothers sings over the closing credits called "There's Enough For Everyone".

There are several scenes, in particular, that always make me laugh including one where the servants are trapped in a high school science laboratory (again, James Coco with his "a killer soufflé!" line; one with Richard Mulligan dressed as a mummy in a museum; a series of scenes where Richard Benjamin, Cloris Leachman, and Richard Masur are trying to get a safe downstairs; one where the servants are trying to remove a toilet from a fancy hotel bathroom; Richard Benjamin's awkward face-off with Meat Loaf; and any of the scenes with Avery Schreiber as a lisping, ostrich-like zookeeper trying to protect his flock from the scavengers ("Three! Three!") - Watch the movie.

I love the climactic car chase and the exciting aftermath as the eventual winner of the contest finally claims their victory in a surprising and nail-biting way (okay, I'm exaggerating just a bit, but still, it still feels pretty exciting, even knowing full well how the movie will end).

I love that the movie starts out as a movie about greed and "every man for himself" and and eventually becomes a movie about teamwork and helping one another.

I love Robert Morley's turn as the very staunch, proper, straight man attorney whose job it is to preside over this madness, and you wonder what an actor of his distinction is even doing in this picture

(and one wonders the same thing about Vincent Price, who probably earned a very easy paycheck for his role).

Hal Landon Jr. in his third film role (and who much later played Ted's father in the Bill and Ted pictures)

has a funny turn as Morley's assistant.

Stephen Furst (of Animal House and The Dream Team) also has a small, but joyous, bit part as Merle, which I enjoy.

I love the locale where it was shot, San Diego.

Yeah, the movie has some problems. Much of it seems dated. It isn't particularly PC as far as Japanese, Native Americans, or fat people go (although I will say that all three have victories by movies end). As I've stated, the characters are one-dimensional and often stereotypical beyond belief. It seems impossible , for example, that Richard Masur, while amusing, could be the obnoxious and bratty 9 year-old in a man's body that he is. The villains are clear cut villains from the get-go. You don't really believe Richard Mulligan's Dummitz could be as dumb as he is (although he, too, gets a victory in the end (though that doesn't mean he is the winner)).

Some situations are absolutely beyond the realm of credibility. Marvin Dummitz and Stuart Selsome both have encounters with cars and motorcycles, respectively, that would do far more damage to them in real life than they end up doing in the movie. There is also an incident involving a safe and a car that would make a real-life car undriveable. There is a fall Tony Randall takes that would injure a real man far more than it injures him. There is a ostrich-theft incident that just seems impossible (actually they all do, as does the fact that any of these people can actually transport a live ostrich is any of their vehicles).

Some of the names are cliché: Dummitz for the dumb guy? Milton Parker for the game magnate? Selsome for the shady wheeling-dealing lawyer? Jenkins, Jackson, Babbette, and Henri for the servants? Arvilla Droll for the odd, whimsical character she plays?

Look, the movie is silly, stupid, and witless. I know it. But it makes me laugh. If I'm having a down day, I know I can put it in the VCR (or in one desperate moment when my video was 400 miles away from me, watch it in chopped up segments on YouTube (which completely broke the flow of the movie for me, by the way, but still made me laugh)).

It's not art. It's not great. The reason it's probably never been released on DVD is because it wouldn't be financially lucrative (although if it ever is, I'll be snatching up a copy right away).

But I love it, I watch it, and it is my favorite "guilty pleasure" movie. Please don't think less of me if you hate it (and I will understand if you do), but I hope you grow to love it as much as I do (which is probably impossible).

If you ever have a chance to see it, give it a looksie.

Scavenger Hunt: awesomely bad and awesomely fun!

You know you want to watch it now.

Storytelling

2011-10-10T21:40:00.000-07:00

I forgot to mention in this post that on the way to Cedar City, I was listening to NPR and their was a program on that featured The Moth , an organization that invites people from all across the nation to tell stories from their lives. It's just storytelling, and there were three stories featured on the program I was listening to, and I just found it so fascinating to hear these stories and hear where they were going and to just listen to the life experiences of different people. I found all three stories quite compelling, but this one was my favorite:

Give it a listen.

Anyway, I'm starting to listen to other stories, and I've subscribed to The Moth Podcast on iTunes. I'm really finding it very interesting. I'm glad I stumbled across the program.

Cody and Jonah's Disneyland Adventure

2011-10-10T00:02:00.000-07:00

Jonah and I recently returned from a really nice vacation in Anaheim. It’s been a while since either of us has had a real vacation, so it was really nice to get away. A few months ago an old college friend of mine invited us to attend Gay Days at Disneyland with him and and another college friend. I didn’t know if I would be able to go because I sometimes can’t plan that far in advance because I never know for sure when or where I will be working. I had auditioned for a show in Salt Lake City, and if I had been cast I wouldn’t have been able to go to Disneyland. While I could have used the job, I was actually quite thankful not to get cast. Jonah and I had already been apart since April, and we needed this time together (plus the thought of reconnecting with my two college friends at a really fun amusement park sounded like a blast).

As it stood, once my summer gig ended, I stayed in town another week to audition for another show (which I was cast in, by the way, and then came home to Jonah, which has been really nice.

I also qualified for unemployment and am actually making more not working than I did when I was working at my last job. Go figure!

Jonah and I left Thursday, Sept. 29. Jonah had been really sick at the beginning of the week due to a urinary tract infection, and we worried that it might prevent us from taking the trip after all. In fact, he took the whole week off of work, which he never does.

My college friend had offered to let us stay in his room for free, which I would have been more than happy to do. Jonah has a hard time sleeping anyway, and besides, he thought it would be nice to have some privacy in case we should want to “get busy.” The motel was quite inexpensive – only 50 bucks a night. Evidently, my friend stays at this motel every time he comes to Disneyland (which is as often as he can – this is a guy who chose his graduate school based on its vicinity to Disneyland - no joke), but Jonah had doubts about it and suggested we stay somewhere a bit more expensive. Being the cheapskate that I am and because I felt we should stay in the same hotel as the person who invited us, I said we ought to stay at my friend's motel.

It turns out Jonah was right. Now when it comes to motels, I am not at all fussy. For me a hotel or motel is just a place I sleep when I come back from doing other things, and I don’t need a lot of frills. However, this motel was even beneath my low standards.

If you’re looking for a cheap, bare-bones, no-frills place to stay while going to Disneyland, the Alamo Inn in Anaheim might be the place for you.

However, unless you'd like the following "amenities", I’d look elsewhere:

- a dirty plastic spoon on the edge of your bed when you arrive. (Jonah asked if it was mine. I said it wasn’t. Ick!)

- beds that don't have fitted sheets; just two sets of non-fitted sheets that slide down when you're on the bed

- sheets with stains

- maids who, when they "clean" your room simply remake the bed with the stained sheets until you insist they be replaced. (Double ick!)

- no orientation guide to tell you where the ice machine or pool is or what number to dial to reach the front desk (which you will need to do often) or what restaurants are nearby or where Disneyland is in relation to the motel (although you may already know where it is because you have already stayed at the nicer Stovall Inn two doors down)

- no shampoo (at least on our first night). (Neither of us had brought shampoo because we assumed the motel would have some, so we had lovely hair (NOT) on our first day in the park.

- soap that does not lather up and is like washing yourself with a piece of candle wax

- no iron (Jonah likes irons)

- a cheap hair dryer that has fallen from its mount on the wall

- towels that are cheaper than your average motel towels; the kind that are like drying yourself off with sandpaper (which is especially uncomfortable when one is trying to dry their genital region)

- electrical outlets where nothing will stay plugged in. (It was like the outlet openings were too big for a regular-sized plug. This was very frustrating, but was probably designed to keep guests from using this cheap motel's precious electricity. Because of this, the lamp next to my bed would not turn on, and when I tried to plug my laptop in, I had to keep jiggling it until I found the “sweet spot” where it would remain powered. Careful! Don't even look at the cord or it will fall out of the outlet.)

- complimentary wireless service, which has a bit of a catch. (We discovered that the wireless signal did not extend to any of the actual rooms and that if you wanted to use it, the only place that seemed to have a signal was the front office. This normally would not have been a big deal, but Jonah has been selling some artwork on Ebay and needed to check what was selling so he could ship it in time, so that was inconvenient as well.)

- toilet rolls so tight that you’ll break off each individual piece when trying to unroll it (again, probably to prevent you from using their precious toilet paper at all)

- a bathroom door that won't completely close

- a rubber bathtub mat that has been torn off so that only half of it is remaining

- only one hanger in the room. (Good thing we brought some of our own)

- not enough parking for the number of guests at the motel. (Thus, we did not take the car out at night for fear that we wouldn’t have a place to park when we returned.

- an outdoor hot tub whose jets don't work

- an uncomfortable bed

- room keys that consistently don't work and take several tries before you can actually open the door to your room. (Good thing we're not being chased by a serial killer.)

- a smell of burning in your room (couldn't be the faulty electrical outlets, could it? Hmmmm.)

Any positives? Yes, actually. The staff was friendly (not overwhelmingly so, but they were pleasant). Wireless in the office worked well, and there were places to sit and use one’s computer. We were able to buy a two-day park hopper pass for Disneyland and California Adventure directly at the hotel (cash only, though) for slightly less than the park itself, and this enabled us to forego lines to buy tickets at the park, thus allowing us to enter Disneyland more quickly. Although the hot tub jets did not work, the hot tub itself was a great temperature and the pool was nice, too. Since I seemed to be the only one using either, they were nice and private, which I liked. Our room itself was very conveniently located near the office, ice machine, and our car. The air conditioning worked well. There was a variety of channels to watch on the television. The room had a small fridge and microwave (neither plugged in when we entered), so that was nice. The shower was hot and didn’t take long to warm up at all. The motel was close to several restaurants, shopping areas, and Disneyland (within walking distance).

If you’re on a very tight budget and don’t mind staying in a cheap, cheap motel where going above and beyond the call of duty doesn’t exist, I could probably recommend the Alamo Inn. If you want somewhere nice where customer service and comfort is of the highest priority, look elsewhere.

So why did we stay here? Well, we had already paid through Expedia, and we were on a budget. Once again, Jonah was right, and I even suggested we change motels, but we decided to tough it out. And it was fine, but we will never stay there again.
One thing I did like about it was that it made for some great stories to tell the kids we will never have. Sometimes the dumpiest places are the ones you remember most. We jokingly referred to the office as the “Internet Café.” At least we had a good sense of humor about it, and really, we weren’t actually in the motel that often.

Originally, Jonah's friend from work was supposed to hook us up with his friend, a Disney employee who could have gotten us in for free. But we also know that Jonah's friend is a flake and highly unreliable, so we were prepared to pay, which we did because, as expected, the friend did not come through for us (big surprise!).

The drive to Anaheim was great; hardly any traffic at all. Jonah makes me laugh. I try to pack everything I need the night before and then I’m ready to go. Jonah packs the day of and then brings everything but the kitchen sink…and yet still manages to misplace such things as his phone charger or forget his sunglasses and bag.

We got into the motel and checked in. We then went out to eat and then went to Target to get sunglasses, hats, sun block, and a bag for Jonah and some money from the bank so we could buy our park-hopper passes. Jonah misplaced his debit card, so we had to go back to the motel to get it. We bought our park-hopper passes and then called my friend to find out when we should meet the next day.

We got into the park quite quickly on Friday morning and met up with my friend. It was really great to see him. The park wasn’t very crowded because it was closing early because of a Halloween party, but that actually worked to our advantage.
While my friend got coffee, Jonah and I rode my favorite ride, Space Mountain, and we got on really quickly. Then we met up with my friend and rode Star Tours, which has been revamped and was absolutely cool. There are a myriad of combinations and so the ride is never exactly the same each time you ride it. It was so fun.

We then rode Buzz Lightyears’s Blasters, which was fun, and the revamped Submarine Ride, which is now Finding Nemo. I hadn’t been on the Submarines since I was a kid. It brought back good memories of my first time riding it, and it was fun, but nothing to write home about. I remember it being so much more impressive as a kid. We got on Indiana Jones, the Haunted Mansion, Splash Mountain, Big Thunder Mountain, Winnie the Pooh, and the Matterhorn with almost no waiting. It’s the fastest I’ve gotten on the rides at Disneyland ever. It was fabulous! A nice man also gave his fast passes for Space Mountain, so we were able to get on fast and ride it again when the lines got longer.

We ate at a Mexican restaurant in Frontier Land. The cool thing was that neither my friend nor Jonah and I had any agenda nor were we in any hurry to get on anything. We were just enjoying one another’s company. Jonah and my friend had met previously, but this was the first time they had spent an extended amount of time with one another, and of course, you always wonder if your good friend and your husband will get along, but they seemed to hit it off well.

We rode Space Mountain and Star Tours again and checked out Toon Town (no Roger Rabbit, though (it was experiencing technical difficulties)). We went over to California Adventure and rode the Grizzly River Run (my friend got soaked, which was immeasurably entertaining to Jonah and me), Heimlich’s Chew Chew Train (dumb, but entertaining to watch my friend), The Bug’s Life attraction, Muppets 3-D, Soarin’ Over California (so fun!!), The Little Mermaid ride (for kids, but still fun), Toy Story Mania (also intended more for kids, but surprisingly fun), the Monsters Inc. Ride, and the Tower of Terror (which Jonah rode for the first time (I was very proud of him; he’s afraid of falling from heights)).

Later we went back over to Disneyland before it closed. We managed to worm our way through the crowds that were watching the parade and rode Space Mountain and Star Tours once again. By that time, it was time for the Halloween party at Disneyland to start and so we headed back to California Adventure and had a bite to eat while we waited for Disney’s World of Color to start. We had fast passes for that event, too, and so we ended up with a really great place to stand on a bridge overlooking the lake where World of Color takes place.

World of Color is kind of like the Fountains of Bellagio in Las Vegas, but better (and I say that as a big fan of the Fountains of Bellagio). It’s a water show with images from Disney animated features projected on the water and which uses colored lights set to music. It was pretty awesome and, if I may be a bit cliché, pretty magical.

Jonah and I are not as young as we once were and were pretty achy from walking around the parks, so it was nice to head back to our motel. We walked with my friend our luxurious abode and agreed to meet again (this time with another friend, but not the one who was originally supposed to come (she had a family emergency)the next morning.

Jonah and I ate at Coco’s, which was pretty good. I got a tuna salad, some butter nut squash soup, and a croissant for a pretty reasonable price. We also had some dessert and then went back to the motel to sleep, which was great because I was worn out and my feet hurt.

Jonah thought he forgot his phone charger (which I later found), so we agreed that at some time the next day we would need to go to Target and buy him another one.

The next day we went to Disneyland. We were a little later than we had been the previous day. The park was also busier, and there were now many gay people (including us) wearing red shirts, which was kind of neat to see (and nobody seemed to care except one man who kept staring at us when we rode Alice in Wonderland later in the day). I noticed a lot of the gay people I saw throughout the day were middle-aged or older, like us. Actually, some of my own stereotypes of what constitutes a gay person were challenged, and I saw so many different kinds of gay individuals, many of whom would never have caused my “gaydar” to go off. I thought that was an interesting and useful discovery.

Jonah and I spent a bit of time together before joining my friends. We again went on Space Mountain and Star Tours and then did Tarzan’s Treehouse and the Haunted Mansion. Then we joined my friends and went on Space Mountain yet again (can you tell I’m a fan?). Then we went on Buzz Lightyear and did a little shopping.

Then Jonah and I left the park and went to Target to get him a phone charger, and we had lunch at Red Robin and went back to the hotel to drop off some souvenirs we had bought. I have a great “Muppets as Star Wars characters” set and Donald Duck as Han Solo in carbonite and Bad Pete as a very fat Boba Fett. They’re cool additions to my already sizable Star Wars collection.

When we returned to the parks, Jonah and I went over to California Adventure again while my friends stayed in Disneyland. Jonah and I rode the Tower of Terror and Soarin’ Over California again and then returned to Disneyland again in time to watch a parade with my friends. I don’t remember what rides we rode after that except Alice in Wonderland, which I had not been on since I was a child, but which my second friend wanted to ride.

My college friend, Jonah, and I took it kind of easy while my other friend wandered around. We ate at the Plaza Inn eatery in Disneyland, and Jonah and I got some ice cream on Main Street. The other friend, apparently, was on mushrooms and was high for some of the time. I don’t get why you need drugs to have a good time, especially at Disneyland, but whatever.

We did a bit of shopping and then went over to New Orleans Square to wait for the first Fantasmic show to end so we could move in for really good seats for the second. We found a nice quiet table to sit at while we waited, and my college friend acted out the whole Fantasmic show for us while it was going on. I also bought Jonah a Nightmare Before Christmas gift (he loves that show).

Jonah and I watched the fireworks show from further away, which was good, but not as impressive as it is when you’re up close. We snatched up great seats for Fantasmic, though. It was terrific and, again, very magical! Disneyland is great at marketing and making one’s experience feel very personal and magical. They excel at it.

Jonah and I said goodbye to my friends. They would be going to the park the next day, but we had only bought a two-day hopper. My college friend was teary-eyed because we’d had such a wonderful time, and it really was great to connect with him again. He was my best friend in college, although we drifted apart after my mission. But it was like picking up right where we left off, and I know he felt the same. Jonah and I said we’d still be around another day and agreed to get dinner together the following night. Jonah and I went to eat dinner and then headed to bed.

The next day Jonah and I drove to LA to meet a friend I did a show with in 2004 (the same show where Jonah and I met) for breakfast. We drove to her house and then followed her over to IHOP. It was busy, but we had a great time chatting and catching up. Jonah gave her a pumpkin lantern he made, and she loved it. She also gave him some small figurines, which he really liked. I took a photo of her Emmys and Golden Globe (yes, my friend is a Golden Globe and two-time Emmy winner) while I was there and she and Jonah were upstairs. It seems childish, but to know somebody who has those awards is kind of cool, and I just wanted a photo of a real Emmy.

I love the way my friend has her house decorated, and one room, in particular, I really enjoyed. It was wallpapered in vintage-looking black wallpaper with green vines on it. I thought it looked really cool.

She also had this really cool art piece called “The Secret,” which was made of paper, but looked like a portrait.

I took some photos of us, and then she had to get to rehearsal. It was really great seeing her.

Jonah and I drove down Sunset Boulevard and then went over to Hollywood Boulevard and went to Grauman’s Chinese Theatre and looked at the foot and hand prints of stars past and present. I’d been there before, but always find it cool to walk where some very famous people once walked. We also went down the Hollywod Walk of Fame and went to a local farmers’ market in the area.

I took a photo of the Hollywood sign and we got some shakes at a local yogurt place. I was very touristy. When we got back to Anaheim we went to the Cheesecake Factory (a favorite restaurant of ours and the very first restaurant at which we ever ate together) for our last hurrah.

Then we went back to the motel and slept, slept, slept until it was time to meet my friends at the Rainforest Café in Downtown Disney. We had a nice dinner, strolled through Downtown Disney and then parted ways. It was really great to hang out with my friends, especially the one from college.

Jonah and I did some last minute shopping and then went back to our motel.

The next day we decided to take it easy and not rush heading home. We went to some antique shops in Fullerton (something Jonah really enjoys doing) and then headed out before traffic got too heavy. By accident, we actually found a faster route home than the one we normally take (at least it seemed faster). We also stopped in Calico Ghost Town on the way home, and I got to ride the train this time. Not impressive, but still worth it. We didn’t spend much time there as the town was to close in about an hour and a half from when we got there, but it was nice to show it to Jonah.

It was such a fun, fun trip and very needed. I’m so glad we had the opportunity to do it.

A Vibrant Aunt And An Uplifting Meeting

2011-10-09T23:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my great aunt's 90th birthday. She looks and acts great. If I didn’t know how old she was, I’d put her 20 years younger. If I ever live that long, I hope I’m as sharp and fit as she is. My cousin hosted it at their very nice house in Salt Lake, and my other cousin made the cake, which was, of course, awesome (she also made Jonah's and my wedding cake). It was fun to chat with relatives and celebrate my aunt's birthday. Some of her golfing buddies were there. I asked when the last time she had gone golfing was. She said about three weeks ago. Amazing and terrific!

When we got home, I took a nap and then my mom and I played Scrabble. I also used our elliptical machine, which I have missed and greatly needed after gaining all this vacation weight (I promise I'll post about my trip soon).

I watched SNL (last night's with Ben Stiller) and watched the Hulu one from last week (with Melissa McCarthy (who was hilarious)) during the commercials. The latter one was tons better.

Today was church, and I didn’t feel too tired when I woke up. A neighbor taught the lesson (about Ezra Taft Benson’s talk on pride), and I really enjoyed it. It was a nice discussion.

Testimony meeting was good. A lot of people spoke that didn’t normally speak, and that was refreshing. A kid who was visiting gave an amazing testimony and didn’t once say “I know the Church is true.” I don’t remember exactly what he said in its place, but how I felt when he said it impacted me strongly. It was something along the lines of "living the gospel bringing us closer to Heavenly Father." I thought that was a better way of putting it. What does "I know the Church is true" even really mean? It's kind of an abstract statement.

A kid I really admire also gave a nice testimony about seminary and the impact the young men leaders have had on him. I really felt his love for the gospel. Another woman gave a talk about how one can never truly retire from the church and that we are always needed no matter where we are in life. There were some kids who gave testimonies, and that’s fun. One kid talked about how we are never alone even when we think we are. There are people on the other side helping us, including our Father and Elder Brother. Our bishop gave a testimony about how he was at a conference for bishops and stake presidents and how people had received answers to questions that weren’t even openly discussed because the Spirit was present so strongly. One lady talked about how she was used to singles’ wards and was still getting used to the sounds of kids in our ward, but that she admired how the parents were dealing with sometimes rambunctious children in a Christ-like way. Another friend also talked about how much she had enjoyed the youth of the ward, who I must admit are pretty outstanding. There were other testimonies, but those were the ones I remember the most. It was quite a spiritually uplifting meeting.

When my mom and I returned home, I packed my things in preparation to head back home to Jonah. Mom is with me and will spend a week and two days with Jonah and me. I thought it might be nice for her to get away, and I thought it might also be nice to give my newly wed niece and nephew-in-law a bit more time alone as a newly married couple.

My mom and I have stopped in Cedar City for the night. I have an audition with the Utah Shakespeare Festival tomorrow. I really hope I do well. Even more, I hope this will finally be the year I am cast. I would like to spend next summer closer to my home, and I also would like to perform in something different than what I usually do for the summer (although I'm very blessed to have that job). I’ve always wanted to work for the Utah Shakes, and the contract and pay are good. I’m hoping that the new artistic directors will take to me more than the previous casting director did. I guess we’ll see what happens. All I can do is my best. Wish me luck.

A Fun And Interesting Wedding Day

2011-10-07T22:45:00.000-07:00

Well, my niece and her new husband were married today. It was quite a lovely day. My only regret is that Jonah wasn’t here to share it with me.

I woke up at 7 am so we could get to the Salt Lake Temple by 8:30. Even though I couldn’t attend the ceremony itself, it was my job to make sure my mom got there okay. She needed someone to drive her and make sure she found where she was supposed to go. Mom, who has dementia, must have looked at her watch 10 times (no exaggeration) on the way (and we were right on schedule and even got there early).

I found a very close parking space and walked Mom to the temple entrance just as our neighbors from across the street showed up. We went in together. They actually have a nice waiting room where people who aren’t attending the ceremony can hang out. I don’t remember it being there when my brother and his wife got married many years ago, but I was glad it was there today because it was cold.

It was kind of weird being at the temple and not being able to go in. Not bad, just different. I was surprised at how noisy it was allowed to get in the waiting room. In fact, the man at the recommend desk suggested that those in the wedding party wait in this waiting room rather than the one inside the temple as that would enable us to talk as loudly and freely as we wished. I guess what made it feel weird was to be surrounded by temple workers and have the same solemn organ music one hears in the temple waiting room piped into this one and not have one person shush you or remind you to be reverent and keep it down.

I met my sister-in-law's brother-in-law, of whom I’ve heard nothing but negative things such as that he’s a chauvinist, lazy, a complainer, a pessimist, selfish, self-centered, and kind of a jerk, among other things. I’d never actually met him before, but after three minutes with him I do not doubt that anything I’ve heard about him is completely accurate. What a “Debbie Downer”! “Killjoy, Party of one!” All he could do was complain, and it was clear he didn’t even want to be here. My sister-in-law's sister was just humoring him, but you could tell she was annoyed by his behavior. Frankly, I don’t understand how she’s stayed married to him all these years (or what she even saw in him at all in the first place), but based on stories my sister-in-law has told me about him, and, more importantly, based on my own, admittedly short, interaction with him I wouldn't tolerate or put up with his crap or attitude. (I notice, too, he didn't attend any of the days' remaining festivities.)

When the wedding party left to attend the ceremony, my neighbor's granddaughter was in the waiting room, too. Her mom had asked me to keep an eye on her and my neighbor told her what a great guy I was. There is a kids’ room in the waiting area where they can watch videos about The Book of Mormon and such, and she was originally sent there, but came out a minute later and said, “That video is boring,” and proceeded to chat me up for the next half hour. I had actually brought Sudoko puzzles and Entertainment Weeklys to read, but Little Miss Chatterbox made that completely unnecessary and, frankly, made the time pass by quite quickly. I found her incredibly adorable and charming, and she looks just like her mother did at the same age.

She told me all about the Percy Jackson book series, and we compared them to Harry Potter. Her take: Percy Jackson is the superior series (we’ll have to agree to disagree on that one). She told me all about Greek and Roman gods and their various names: i.e. Jupiter/Zeus, Neptune/Poseidon, Mars/Aries, etc. and neither of us could remember Hades’ Roman equivalent (I later remembered it is Pluto). She told me about the times she hurt her leg and broke her elbow. She told me all of her cousins’ names and that her uncle and aunt were getting a divorce (a surprise to me). She told me about the time her mom had broken her foot and played kick ball with her cast. I told her about when I had dislocated my ankle and broke my foot on my mission. She sang me a modern version of “The Twelve Days of Christmas” which included iPods, digital cameras, and cell phones, and when I told her we had none of those things when I was her age, she very seriously looked at me and earnestly said, “I don’t think I could live without my iPod!” I also told her we had only three channels on TV when I was a kid, and she stated that she didn't think she could survive if she didn't have TV. She showed me photos she had recently taken with her new digital camera, and I showed her photos I had taken on my recent trip to Disneyland, and then she talked about her favorite rides at Disneyland and her aspirations to visit Hawaii, Rome, and Greece, and I told her I’d been to Rome, but shared her desire to go to Greece and Hawaii. She relayed the whole plot of some book called The Red Pyramid. It was a very entertaining conversation.

Soon enough, the wedding party came out and we waited for the bride and groom to change so we could take photos. My mom seemed a little restless, so we went outside.
Soon the bride and groom came out. They looked great, he in his tux and she in a simple, but elegant, dress; and both wearing sneakers, which I just thought was awesome! My nephew had shown up in the Victorian tuxedo and cape that Jonah had put together for him, which I thought was double-awesome!

I guess the groom had been taken to the wrong area prior to the ceremony and when a temple worker went looking for him, she told the bride of another “groom” that was in the waiting area wearing a cape. My niece said, “That’s my brother. He probably should stay out there. That would be awkward.”

My brother-in-law took the wedding photos, and the first one was a joke one where my caped nephew stood in front of the groom and “upstaged” him. My brother-in-law also had us in a group photo where he had everyone kiss their significant others on the steps of the temple. I said to my sister-in-law, “I wish Jonah was here.” She laughed. What a great photo that would have been: us kissing on the steps of the Salt Lake Temple!

I took my mom and sister back to my mom's house. Later, when my brother's family dropped by, they told us that my brother-in-law (the wedding photographer) had left his bag unattended while he was taking photos of my niece and her husband, and three agents from Church security were surrounding it, and a team was almost called in to blow it up in case it was a bomb.

At 1:00 pm we went to a very casual luncheon at my brother's stake center. My niece and her husband had wanted a forest theme with blue and white as their colors. The decorator did a nice job, although I feel Jonah could have done a better one. But everyone was pleased, and that’s really all that counts. There were Christmas trees used as the “forest” and white and blue material strewn across the hall and on the tables. There was a gazebo and an archway covered in branches and such, and a lot of twinkle lights. It was nice.

There was also a Mitt Romney cut-out with my nephew's face pasted on it, so that he could “attend” the reception (when, in actuality, he is serving a mission in Canada). My nephew is a pretty tall guy, and, evidentally, Mitt Romney was the closet match. Pretty funny!

Before the luncheon started, my neighbor and I talked in the foyer. She told me she had defended me to someone in the wedding party. Whoever it was (I have my suspicions) basically said it was “too bad about [Cody],” referring to my coming out and excommunication, fully expecting my neighbor to agree with him. Instead, she defended me and observed how happy I am and said there was no reason to feel bad about me. The other person said, “But God is not happy with his choices,” and my neighbor said, “How do you know? Do you speak for God? It isn’t for you and I to judge how God feels about [Cody's] situation. That’s between him and the Lord.” I guess that shut the other person up, but I appreciated her saying that. Frankly, I feel God is happy that I am happy.

The luncheon was nice. Very casual. We wore jeans and casual shirts. It was a potluck, and there were some really good salads and casseroles.

I drove my mom back home and we both took a nap and then headed to the church again at 5:30 PM for the formal reception and to have more pictures taken.

It was nice. The bride and groom looked very happy. They had wanted ice cream sundaes for the reception, and my nephew and his friends were all decked out in florescent green ties and aprons to scoop the ice cream. I thought it was fun and informal (even though it was still formal), and that personifies who my niece and her husband are. The sundaes were good, too.

I was able to visit with some relatives and friends. My neighbor's son and I also had a nice talk. I guess the rumor is true that he and and his wife are divorcing (at his request). She doesn’t want to, not necessarily because she wants to stay with him, but because of how it will look (at least that’s the impression I got). I asked him what had prompted this. He feels his wife has mental health issues she’s not willing to acknowledge or seek help for and that her moods can change on a dime; that one moment she’s nice and sweet and the next she’s mean and hurtful, and that after years of dealing with it, he’s at his wit’s end and feels that unless she’s willing to seek medical help (which she isn't), he can no longer stay with her for his own emotional well-being and sanity.

He says the situation has been especially stressful because, as is often the case in Mormon culture, unfortunately, he’s finding that many people are seeing him as the bad guy in the scenario, and while he doesn’t feel the failure of the marriage is any one person’s fault, he has been surprised by how the taboo aspect of divorce and the “blame game” has caused people he’s associated with in Mormonism to shun him in a way.

Of course, this is all from my neighbor's son's perspective. I’d be interested in hearing the wife's side of things. But while I am surprised that this couple who has been together nearly as long as my brother and his wife have are divorcing, I am not too surprised at the reactions of some of their fellow Mormons nor am I surprised by the possibility that the wife might still be trying to keep up a façade that seems to be crumbling. Even when I talked to her at the reception, she seemed to be trying to put on a brave face, pretending that things were better than they seem to be. Or perhaps that was just my interpretation.

My neighbor's son and I talked about the parallels in our situations. Of course, they are very different, but in same ways he now feels like an outsider, and I can certainly relate to that as well as to the need to do something "taboo" for your emotional well-being. He asked my advice. I said he needs to focus on and remember the kindnesses he is shown and the people who do not judge him or treat him differently because of this situation. I said that ultimately the only two people who really know what has gone on in their marriage are him and his wife and that what other people think, regardless of how much it might hurt or offend, shouldn’t play into that. Of course, that is often easier said than done, but that was my advice.

We also talked about how a seemingly bad thing or a difficult and painful situation can often lead someone on a road to enlightenment and perhaps help them find happiness they didn’t know they could find. I don’t know if that will be his case, but that’s what I felt I was supposed to tell him. And I reminded him that if he ever needed to talk, I would listen. He said he appreciated that and said that sometimes just having someone to listen has been very helpful while he deals with this. He also said he really hopes to meet Jonah the next time he is in town.

The wedding cake was cheesecake, and we watched my niece and her husband cut it. It was actually some of the most delicious cheesecake I have ever had. I think it came from Costco, but it was really great.

Soon, the party dissipated. I had my sister and her husband drive my mom home. My niece's parents looked so tired, and I wanted to help them clean up so they could get out faster. We took the Christmas trees down and boxed them up to return to the neighbors and friends they had been borrowed from. I also cleared the tables. Fortunately, we didn’t have to take down the tables and chairs as there would be a high priests’ function the next night. And the party planner would be taking down her decorations. So really, there wasn’t a lot to do, so I was glad my brother and his wife could get out of there fast.

After my sister-in-law thanked me for helping out, I drove my other niece and her friend back to my brother's house and then drove in the rain to my mom's house, where a bunch of people were dropping off the wedding gifts to the bride and groom's room here at my mom's house. I said goodnight to my mom and then Jonah called, and I told him of my day’s adventures and told him how much I had missed him and wished he were here with me.

Dealing with my mom's dementia again reminded me how much more relaxed I have felt these past few weeks home with Jonah. I hope that doesn’t sound terrible. I love my mom so much and am very devoted to her well-being, but it can get stressful at times dealing with her memory loss and disorientation and lack of awareness, and it has, admittedly, been nice to have a break, although she will be going back to Vegas with me for a week. I figure that gives her a mini-vacation and also gives the newlyweds a bit of time to adjust to their new home. I hope this situation will be good for both them and my mom.

Tomorrow is my great aunt's 90th birthday party. I’m glad I can be here for it. I love her. She is one of my very favorite relatives, and she sure doesn’t look or act 90.

It’s been a great day. I’m tired. I’m happy for my niece and nephew-in-law, who will be heading to Cedar City tomorrow for their honeymoon. Good night.

Little Girl No More

2011-10-06T22:10:00.000-07:00

I plan on writing a post about my recent vacation to Disneyland with Jonah and also one about one of my favorite "guilty-pleasure" movies, but today I'd like to take a moment to talk about a wedding I'm in town for.

I have a cherished photo of me holding my brand newly born niece. I am wearing a Phantom of the Opera t-shirt that I got on a trip to New York a year or so before (which I still own, by the way). I have a big smile on my face and I'm looking into the camera. In my arms is my tiny niece. The quality of the actual photo is not that great. It's slightly blurry and the flash washes us out. Yet it is one of my very favorite pictures. There is such joy and excitement on my face, and I'm holding this tiny little person, the first child one of my siblings had; the first grandchild for my mom and dad.

I remember having that photo taken. We were at the University of Utah Medical Center, and my brother and sister-in-law, especially, looked exhausted. I had gone with my mom and dad, I believe, and possibly my other sister to visit them and see my newborn niece for the first time. I'm pretty sure my mom took the actual photo. I look so young in the photo because, well, I am. My niece is just a tiny baby.

Tomorrow morning that same niece will be getting married in the Salt Lake Temple to the love of her life and moving into my mom's house into my old bedroom. It's hard to believe so much time has passed.

I do not truly understand what it is to be a parent and I will probably not get that opportunity in this life, but when I look at this photo and see where my niece is now, I feel the aches and joys I imagine a parent must feel when they see their baby growing up becoming an adult with adult responsibilities. I feel so happy for my niece, who has turned out to be a wonderful person, and I am grateful she has found an equally wonderful guy to share her life with, but my, kids do grow up so fast, and a very, very small part of me mourns the fact that she is not a child anymore; that those years are forever gone, never to come back.

When I think of the time I miss with Jonah due to my career, I realize I will never get that time back, and it makes me want to work harder to find a way to be with him more often. These past few weeks I have been with him have been so great. He drives me crazy, and I'm sure I drive him crazy, but I love him so incredibly much and am so grateful for what he brings to my life. I hope my niece will be as happy with her new husband as I am with mine.

Obviously, I will not be able to attend the actual ceremony. I'm okay with it. I actually find most temple weddings to be somewhat impersonal anyway. I wasn't able to attend my own brother's (the bride's father's) wedding, either (because I was not yet endowed), so those are the breaks, I suppose.

My niece invited Jonah and me to be in the wedding photos after the ceremony. I so wish Jonah could have come, but he's already taken off too much work. I will miss having him here with me.

Well, the wedding is in just 9 1/2 hours. I'd better get some sleep.

Core Values For The University Of Life

2011-09-25T20:39:00.000-07:00

I graduated with my MFA a little more than four years ago. I remember when I started the program in 2004, at one of our first meetings (possibly our very first meeting) as a graduate class of 13, our advisor and chair of the acting program gave us a list of core values he felt we should work to incorporate into our lives and work ethic during our three years in the program to help us make the most of our time and be as successful as possible. I took very seriously the advice he gave us and tried very hard to live up to those core values, and I think it served me well. I had an amazing education and experience, and I think my diligence in trying to follow this "code" was very instrumental in my success.

I have been working hard lately at throwing away a lot of the extraneous junk in my life. As I have written about previously, I can be a bit of a hoarder, and I'm am trying to get rid of a lot of the useless stuff I needlessly hang on to, and I have been making slow, but sure progress in my efforts.

Today as I was going through an old box of papers (papers are one of the things I hoard the most), I came across many things I saved from my graduate school days (much of which I finally threw away) and happened to run across this set of core values. I am going to throw away the original paper these core values are written on, but thought them worth saving, so I thought I'd post them here because I think them not only valuable for success in a graduate program, but in life as well.

1. Familial support - we were encouraged to lift each other up, support each other, and work as a team. Personal independence was also stressed, but familial support among the 13 of us was stressed.

2. Preparation - the program involved a great deal of work and we were both told to prepare for what was to come as well as be prepared for each individual assignment we were given in order to achieve our ultimate goal.

3. Organization - we were asked to work on having great organizational skills so we could both organize our time and projects to help us most effectively and efficiently reach our goals.

4. Ensemble - this kind of goes along with #1, but we were reminded that we are all in this together, and especially when times got tough, which we we warned they would (and they sometimes did), to remember to lean on each other for support and to support those who were having a harder time. We we're all shooting for the same goal, and we needed to remember that none of us could get there alone.

5. Discipline - we were told to manage our time well and remember why we were here and work to remain disciplined in what we needed to do to achieve our goal.

6. Jump in the water - this was actually one of the most useful of the core values I was given. The program was quite intense, and we we're encouraged not to just "dip our toes in the water" or be act with trepidation, but to dive right in and embrace whatever the program threw at you without fear. We did a lot of stuff in the program that was new, exciting, strange, and sometimes did difficult things in a very vulnerable position, and this piece of advice was one of the things that really helped me the most. I just embraced whatever was given to me. Eventually I decided what was most most useful to me and what wasn't, but I accepted and did everything that was asked of me with an open mind, and it made all the difference.

7. Have your own point of view and express it - while encouraged to take everything the program threw at us, we were also encouraged not to just take it all blindly and to develop a point of view about what we were were learning and express and defend that point of view.

8. Invest - this program was a financial investment, an investment of time, and an investment in our future and in our career. We were asked to treat it as such and to fully participate in order to help our investment reach its highest potential.

9. Have the ability to have a paradigm shift - I really liked this one. A paradigm shift is defined as "as a change from one way of thinking to another. It's a revolution, a transformation, a sort of metamorphosis. It just does not happen, but rather it is driven by agents of change." We may spend much of our lives thinking things are one way and then events and experiences completely change our way of thinking and seeing the world. The graduate program did much to change my attitudes and thinking about acting and movement in ways I did not expect, and likewise, I had paradigm shifts about my own life and and spirituality, and I think my openness to allowing those shifts was instrumental in helping me be a more successful performer as well as a happier human being. I remember one other thing our advisor told us when laying out this value, and I think it's good advice for human beings in general: "Listen before speaking."

10. Enjoy the experience - this was the last point and also a very useful one. It isn't just about the destination; it's about the journey and enjoying what you learn and experience on the way. It really is. I loved my graduate program. I enjoyed it so much. I remember after I graduated and started watching the TV show "Lost" I remember (and still maintain) that I didn't care how it ended; I just loved the journey of these characters and what I was experiencing while the show was taking me on the journey. When the finale finally happened, I was completely satisfied. Other viewers were upset that some of their questions hadn't been answered or that the resolution wasn't what they expected. That certainly was their right, but I think they may have missed the big picture. They were too busy trying to get the answers to questions that maybe didn't matter so much and missing the beautiful journey they were taking. I tried to view my graduate program (and try to view my life) in that respect, too.

I used to spend life worrying about how I was going to get to the destination and stressing about what I had to do to get there. I no longer do that (at least I try not to), and life is so much more enjoyable and rich now.

I think all ten of these core values can be applied to our lives here on this planet with our fellow man. As fellow human beings, we should support and love and care for one another. We should remember we're all in this together and not try to get through life on our own. We should decide what our ultimate goals in life are and prepare, organize, and discipline ourselves to get what is most valuable and important for our success and happiness. Then we should jump in with both feet without fear and trepidation and take what life throws at us and roll with the punches. We should invest fully in our lives and relationships and goals and participate fully in the precious life we have been given. We should be better listeners of others' points-of-view and life experiences without judging. We should respect each other's life experiences. We should also be willing to allow ourselves to have paradigm shifts and allow ourselves to see that not everything is black-and-white; that there are nuances in life; that things are not always as they seem; that what we were sometimes taught would make us happy isn't always what actually makes us happy and brings us closer to our Father. We should be willing to develop a point-of-view about our life and life experiences and who we are and why we are that way and express it and defend it. And we should enjoy the journey of life because there is so much to enjoy and experience and learn and glean. We should find joy in the journey of life because, after all, we are, that we might have joy.

Finding The Positive

2011-09-17T23:03:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I had a callback for a show I auditioned for. I was really excited about it. I did really well at my initial audition. In fact, I think it’s one of the best auditions I’ve ever had in my entire theatrical career (and I’ve auditioned a lot!).

The room was filled with people I know and have worked with. So I felt like I was auditioning for friends. I wasn’t even nervous, really, which raely happens.
I sang a song from the show. Typically, I don’t do that, but with this crowd, I felt I could, and besides, I wanted to show them that I could play a specific part.

When I had been warming up in the car, my voice was having a hard time placing the high Gs in the song, but when I sang it in the room, it came out effortlessly and well-supported. I really nailed it and felt so good about it. All three members of the creative team seemed impressed and pleased. The musical director said, “That was really great, [Cody].”

Anyway, they gave me sides for the character I was interested in as well as the some others.

So today, even though I had to be there at the way-too-early hour of 9:00 AM, I was excited. As I went out to my car, I removed the sun shield I put on my windshield and discovered that someone had very deliberately smashed my windshield with a rock or baseball bat. I couldn’t believe it! I was in a hurry, though, and no longer felt it was safe to drive my car, so I asked my mom if I could borrow hers and asked if she would mind calling Technaglass to replace my windshield while I was auditioning because I am going home tomorrow and didn’t want anything to derail my plans to be there on time. Jonah has waited too long.

In my haste, however, I took my car keys and left my phone. My mom couldn’t get into the car to give them the information about the make and model of my car, and her messages to me went unheard because I didn’t have my phone.

It was my desire to have someone from Technaglass come over to the house and replace the windshield, but by the time I got home, there were no more mobile appointments left and I had to risk driving my car into the shop. Both the lack of visibility and the fact that my windshield could shatter even more made this somewhat unsafe, but I prayed I’d make it okay and did, fortunately.

Technaglass was able to make the repair in an hour, but now I’m out $170 that I wasn’t planning on spending, and in this economy, especially since I’m unemployed again, that isn’t so great.

I filed a report with the police, although, as I suspected, there isn’t much they can do. However, I did find out that the car of a nearby neighbor who I don’t know was broken into and some baseball equipment was stolen, including a bat, which is what I imagine the perp (or perps) used to shatter my windshield.

The policeman, who was very nice, also said it was good that I made the report because now at least they know of the possible connection and know to more carefully canvas the area, and if the perp is, by some miracle, caught, perhaps there can be renumeration.

But I just don’t get the senselessness of it. I’m sure it’s probably some kid who isn’t fully conscious of the cost or inconvenience he or she causes in a moment of abandon. I’ve never understood what joy or gratification one gets from willfully destroying another’s property. It doesn’t even appear that the perp was trying to break into my car; they probably only damaged my windshield for kicks or out of misplaced anger. I wish that person understood the consequences of his or her actions, and I wish that person wasn’t finding themselves in a situation or circumstances where taking a bat to someone’s car is somehow gratifying.

I’ve already forgiven the person, and I’m moving on. What else can I do?

And as I sat outside at Technaglass waiting for the repair, I tried to think of what positive things have come out of this experience.

Here’s what I came up with, in no particular order:

1. At least it was just my windshield, and not my headlights or hood or other parts of my car.

2. At least they only shattered the passenger side, making it easier for me to drive to get it repaired.

3. At least they didn’t steal anything in the car (not that there was much to steal) or the car itself.

4. At least the windshield, although shattered, remained intact. This both made it slightly safer to drive and also kept the elements out because it did rain last night. It also prevented the perp from getting into my car (although he or she probably could have if they’d givin it another whack).

5. At least I was able to get my car into the show today (a Saturday, no less) and get it fixed.

6. Yeah, it was a $170 repair, but at least it wasn’t $200 or $300

7. At least I have money in savings to cover the cost.

8. At least the windshield didn’t shatter when I drove to get it repaired.

9. At least my new windshield is cleaner (although I think taking it to the car wash would have been a cheaper alternative than taking a baseball bat to my car.

10. At least I no longer have to worry about the chip that was in my old windshield.

11. At least my plans to go back home to Jonah tomorrow remain intact.

12. At least it was a nice day outside while I was waiting for my windshield to be repaired.

13. At least I have a 12-month warranty on the windshield should this happen again any time soon.

14. At least I was able to make a police report and was able to make a connection as to why this might have happened.

15. At least the vandal didn’t vandalize anything else of mine or my Mom’s.

Anyway, that’s what I came up with. I think it’s pretty good, considering.

As for my audition callback, it went well. The dance call was my weak spot, as is always the case, but at least I have the comfort of knowing that the choreographer knows my limitations and has worked with them before. I also know the director really likes working with me, so that could work in my favor.

I also felt my acting made up for what I lack in dancing. In fact, I felt I was one of the stronger actors there, and I think that will be important. The callback group was smaller than average, too, so that increases the odds of getting cast. I actually feel really good. I’m very optimistic that I will be hired. And if not, more time with Jonah, right?

Unique Productions

2011-09-17T22:02:00.000-07:00

I recently had the chance to see some shows that I have wanted to see for some time. The first is the Utah premiere of Next to Normal at Pioneer Theatre Company in Salt Lake City. Next to Normal was nominated for a Tony on Broadway and won the Pulitzer Prize for Drama just last year (the only other musicals to win this prize are Of Thee I Sing, South Pacific, Fiorello!, How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying, A Chorus Line, Sunday in the Park with George (yea!), and Rent). It’s an unusual piece in that it’s a rock musical about a woman suffering from manic-depression and the effect it has on her and her family. If the only type of musicals you like is stuff like Joseph and His Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, Mary Poppins, and Mamma Mia, this show will probably not be up your alley.

I went in with high expections because I had heard so many positive things about the original Broadway production, and I was very excited to see PTC’s production because I never got an opportunity to see the Broadway production, and unless they bring a touring production around, this was my shot.

I worried a little because I saw PTC’s recent production of Rent and was a bit disappointed because the sound system didn’t support the show well, and I even know that performers were asked to pull back so they wouldn’t blow out the system, and unfortunately, it showed. So I worried that the same thing might happen in this show. I was told, however, that some new equipment was rented for this show, and it showed.

I was not disappointed. I thought the show was terrific, and it kept me very engaged. All of the performers (only six of them) were all terrific, and the lady who played the mother, who has the biggest load, was fabulous.

The set was exceptional. I loved it! I was a house with an off-kilter suburban backdrop, and various panels would open to reveal parts of the house, which seemed symbolic of the things that happen behind closed doors that are kept under wraps that eventually see the light. It’s one of my favorite sets I’ve seen at Pioneer Theatre.

The story itself was quite intriguing and dramatic, of course, but with enough humor that you didn’t feel like you were being dragged down. The drums in the orchestra got a little loud at times, and one actor had a mannerism that I felt he overused. Still, I liked the show very much.

One way I could tell I liked the show was that I got so wrapped up in it, I didn’t pick it apart and criticize it in my head like I so often do with other shows. The music was good, too.

Obviously, the subject is quite serious, but I really thought the show did a good job of showing you what it’s like to get in the head of (and live with) someone with bipolar disorder. I actually had a few friends there (three of whom have bipolar disorder and one whose mother has it). Two of my friends were brought to tears by the show. One said she felt like her life was being portrayed on stage and that it was kind of cathartic.

Anyway, I really enjoyed it and was so glad I had a chance to see it before I leave for home in Vegas. I highly recommend it. It’s still open for two weeks. If you live in Utah, go see it!

The next show I got to see is a community production of Grey Gardens at Wasatch Theatre Company at the Rose Wagner Performing Arts Center in Salt Lake City. Obviously, this was a much smaller scale show than Next to Normal was, but Grey Gardens, too, is a show I’ve wanted to see since its Broadway debut four years ago. It, too, was nominated for a Tony and Christine Ebersole won for Best Actress for an amazing performance.

For those of you unfamiliar with Grey Gardens, it is a musical based on the 1974 documentary of the same name. the documentary was made after it was discovered that Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis’ cousin and aunt were living in squalor and filth in their dilapidated estate, Grey Gardens. The two women were once wealthy socialites and the documentary and the musical (as well as an HBO film starring Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lange) attempt to unconver how these once rich and beautiful socialites fell so far. If you get a chance to see the documentary (or even the HBO movie), it’s pretty interesting (and sad).

In any case, I had really wanted to see the musical, and I knew it was likely this would be my only chance as I don’t expect many productions of Grey Gardens to be done in Utah. The first act deals with the mother and daughter’s lives at the height of their wealth and popularity. The second act is basically the events in the documentary. The same actress plays the mother in the first act and the now-older daughter in the second act. My friend played this part, and I must say, as unbiased as I can be, I thought she did a really great job in a very demanding part. I also though the lady that played the mother in act two was quite good, and so act two was more enjoyable than act one because the focus was on the strongest actors.

It was a community theatre production, and so there were weaknesses; although for a community theatre production it wasn’t too bad. Fortunately, the act two mother and daughter were very good performers. The young lady who played the daughter in the first act was kind of weak, however. I just didn’t think her voice was up to snuff as far as what the part demanded, and I also felt she didn’t quite fit the part. An older gentleman played the mother’s father in the first act, and I thought he was pretty terrible. He had no rhythm, which is not good if you’re in a musical. He also flubbed his lines a lot and didn’t seem terribly confident, which is unfortunate because the character is supposed to exude confidence and authority, neither of which he was able to do. I just cringed every time he was stage, but tried to forgive him because it was, after all, a community theatre production.

There are also two little girls in the the show, who play Jacqueline and Lee Bouvier, respectively. They were cute, but not great actors. Jacqueline, in particular, was hard to hear. Two actors played Brooks, a servant, and George Gould Strong, a hanger-on who lived off the mother’s money. Both actors were fine.

I did enjoy one actor, who played Joe Kennedy in the first act and a handy man named Jerry in the second act. I thought he had a nice voice. I think he has some maturing to do as an actor, but he has great potential, I think. He, too, was featured more in the second act, and because he was one of the stronger performers, it was stronger act.

My friend had the bulk of the show, which was good because she did a good job, and he scenes with the mother were quite good.

The show dragged a bit, and the music (which I had heard before) doesn’t do a ton for me, although I think if I listened to it over and over, I might develop more of a taste for it. I do have it on my iPod. Maybe I should listen to it more. The musical isn’t written for the songs to be catchy; it’s written more for them to be like spoken dialogue. I do wish it had more memorable tunes, but I also realize that probably isn’t the point. There is one song I quite like called “Around the World.” Very sad, but a pretty melody.

The show is well-written and interesting. I’m not sure if this is the strongest production you will ever see, but since you’re not likely to see many in Utah, you might give it a gander. I’m not giving it as strong a recommendation as Next to Normal, though. I think Grey Gardens closes in two weeks, too.

The last show I saw was probably one I wasn’t supposed to see, but a friend got a bootleg copy of The Book of Mormon from his friend, and since neither he nor I are likely to get a chance to see it any time soon, we watched it. I typically don’t like the idea of bootlegs of productions. I think it’s only fair to pay to see things so that that money can go to the artists responsible, but since I won’t be able to see a production any time soon, and because I didn’t pay any money to see an illegal copy (nor had anything to do with obtaining it), I figured why not watch it?

I was nervous because I know there is a lot in the show that was likely to offend me, but I must say I was pleasantly surprised by how much I actually enjoyed it. In spite of some very foul language, the show is quite funny and, yes, as many people have said, there is a sweetness in it that touched me.

The choreography was terrific. Some very clever stuff. And the performances were all very strong and there was some very excellent comic timing in abundance. There were even a couple of moments that caused me to tear up, if you can believe it.

I posted about my responses to the songs in an earlier post, so now I’ll say what my impressions are now that I’ve seen them in context.

“Hello” – Very simple choreography, but very effective. A really strong way to begin the show (although the true beginning was a Hill Cumorah Pageant-type tableau that was actually quite funny). I still like the song a lot. Very catchy.

“Two By Two” – Loved the choreography in this one. Lots of funny stuff.

“You and Me (But Mostly Me)” – Also very funny and very well sung by Andrew Rannells.

“Hasa Diga Eebowai” – The song still offends me, but it is funnier in context.

“Turn It Off” – Very funny and great choreography!

“I Am Here For You” – I like the song, but the missionaries are in their garments in this scene, which I found a little off-putting. It bothered me.

“All-American Prophet” – This was a really well-done number. A fun piece.

“Sal Tlay Ka Siti” – I was amazed by how much this number touched me. It also has some humor in it, but I thought it was a really sweet number. Nikki M. James sang it terrifically, too.

“Man Up” – This was not my favorite number when I heard the soundtrack, but the number is funnier and more rousing in context. Still not my favorite tune, but I appreciate it more.

“Making Things Up” I still don’t care for the language, but the song makes more sense in context, and there are some visual gags that are humorous.

“Spooky Mormon Hell Dream” – Really great choreography and visual gags that made the songs much more enjoyable when seeing it. I quite liked what they did with it.

“I Believe” – Still my favorite song, I think, and it was very funny and well-performed. Not too different from how it appeared on the Tony Awards.

“Baptize Me” – The song still offends me and makes me uncomfortable. I get the humor, but the sexual innuendo in a song about baptism, which I still consider a sacred ordinance, makes me very uncomfortable.

“I Am Africa” – I didn’t really get this song when I heard it, but seeing it made it much more clear, and the choreography is quite humorous.

“Joseph Smith American Moses” – The language in this song is still too much for me. The parody of “The Small House of Uncle Thomas” is not lost on me, but the language and situation is just too foul for my taste.

“Tomorrow Is a Latter Day” – Very strong closer and wraps the show up nicely.

Josh Gad and Andrew Rannells are very funny. There are some very clever and funny lines and situations, and the story is sweet. I don’t necessarily agree with the points Matt Stone and Trey Parker are making, but I understand why they are making them and where they might be coming from.

If I got a chance to see the show live, I might go, but I definitely wouldn’t take my mother or niece. I doubt anyone in my family would be able to watch it without feeling offended and assaulted (and I was offended at times, too, although not as much as I had anticipated). Overall, I liked the show; I just wish Parker and Stone could lay off some of the profanity.

Anyway, those are three productions I’ve seen. You aren’t likely to see the latter unless you go to New York, but you can catch the other two in Utah if you live there.

Missionary Companions

2011-09-13T23:05:00.000-07:00

I don't know why this was on my mind today (probably because of my recent post referring to my MTC district), but I was thinking about my mission companions today. As I have lost touch with most of them, I was curious where they are in their lives right now, considering where I currently am in mine.

I thought about each one of them today and my experiences with them while serving as a missionary.

Elder A was my MTC companion. I liked him a lot, but we had pretty different personalities. He was kind of emotionally guarded and didn't express his feelings very much. He was kind of quiet and I didn't always know how he felt about me as a companion. We worked well together, but didn't really connect on the level that I had hoped we would. He was short (and cute, I must admit). I am friends with him on Facebook, but we don't converse too much. He lives in Hawaii now, I think he's in the military, and he has a wife and kids and seems active in the church. He seems quite conservative (but I think he was when we were companions, too).

Elder B was my first companion in the field. He was a stout, tall guy (very opposite of Elder A). I really liked him, but we were together for four months straight, which gets to be a bit much when you're with someone pretty much 24 hours a day. He was a great cook and made us fabulous meals. He also tried to hard (and succeeded, I think) to be a good trainer to me. We opened a city together that had been closed for some time due to anti-American sentiment. We taught my first baptism together.

He was a rule follower while I tended to be a little bit rebellious. He was very organized. I admired him and his desire to be the best missionary he could be. He also had a good sense of humor. One thing that bugged me about him was that it always took him longer to do things than I felt was necessary. For example, we would be slow getting out of the apartment or would spend way too much time at the grocery store, and it was generally due to him.

He taught me a lot and pushed me when I needed to be pushed. I had many great experiences with him at a time when I was really on fire spiritually. I enjoyed our companionship a lot. He, too, is a Facebook friend, but rarely ever posts anything. He's single, and I don't know if he's still active or not, but I get the impression he might not be. I really don't know. I really wish we could reconnect again. Maybe I'll write him an email.

Elder C was quite a disappointment after Elder B. He was disorganized, insecure, immature, and liked to blame all of his problems on everybody but himself. I always felt like I was walking on eggshells with him; you just never knew what was going to set him off. I could literally say something as innocuous as "It's such a nice day today," and he would come back with, "What you do mean by that?"

Frankly, he was mean (although that meanness came out of his insecurity), and the two months I spent with him was very challenging. I heard our mission president would put with companions who he thought could handle his volatile personality. If so, I'm flattered, but I didn't not feel I was successful in dealing with him. After two months, I begged the mission president to transfer one of us (and thankfully, he did).

I have very few good memories of Elder C, although we shared a common love of music and he taught me some hymns I didn't previously know, so I thank him for that. We also street contacted (or rather they street contacted us) a couple who still remain good friends to this day (who I wrote about in this post), so I'm glad we were able to do that together, too. I do not know where he is, and frankly, never wanted to see him again after my mission. It would surprise me if he were active, but you never know. People do change.

Elder D was a wonderful change after Elder C. He was from France, and he was such a nice guy. We got along great. He helped me become more fluent in French and I helped him become more fluent in English. He would only speak English to me, and I would only speak French to him (at least we tried). That was very helpful.

I remember someone had taught him the phrase "piece of crap," and he altered it by saying, "piece of puke," and I said that since vomit was more liquid, it wouldn't really make as much sense to say "piece of puke." I said "bowl of puke" was more appropriate. While he knew it wasn't a true idiom and that no one ever really said it, "bowl of puke" became a favorite phrase of his. It always made me laugh.

We taught some great people together and had a lot of success. We had a lot of good times. I have no idea what has become of him.

Elder E was a great companion in a very difficult city and during a difficult time. My father had just died, the people in the city we served in were not very receptive, the ward members were kind of cold, and the enthusiasm and energy I had had at the beginning of my mission were waning a bit.

Elder E was very obedient and hard working. He was so enthusiastic and so wanting to do the will of God, it was infectious. He was exactly the kind of companion I needed right when I needed him. We weren't together very long (another set of missionaries was added to our city, and he and I were made their companions, respectively), but he continued to serve as my district leader and our apartments were only a street apart.

I always remember how optimistic he was and what a genuinely good person he was and still is. We remain pretty close and of my companions, he is the one I converse with the most. We also taught and baptized one of our strongest converts together. I like Elder E a lot. He is single, which surprises me. He's such a good catch, and I always thought he'd find somebody right away. He remains very strong in the church, which doesn't surprise me in the slightest. He's truly one of the good guys. He'd give you the shirt off his back.

Elder F was my first trainee, which I was very nervous about, especially in a city where not much was happening, but he was one of my very favorite companions. We got along very well, and he had a great sense of humor. I sometimes felt insecure about being the "leader," but I enjoyed our companionship. He is a Facebook friend, is married, and has kids, but we haven't conversed too much. I think he's still active. I think he's a dentist or an orthodontist now, which I didn't necessarily expect.

Elder G and I didn't have much in common, but he was a nice guy. He was kind of a hick (and I don't mean that in a bad way) and kind of quiet and simple. I liked him. We got along well enough. I don't know where he's at these days.

I was only with Elder H for a week. I broke my foot and had to be transferred. I was a bit nervous to be put with Elder H. He was quite rebellious and kind of did his own thing. He was a nice guy, though, once I got to know him. I actually regret that we didn't get to spend more time getting to know one another. I think I would have liked him. I think he's still active.

Elder I was put with me because we both had health problems (I my foot and he his knee, I think). He was from Switzerland and was like a giant teddy bear. Really great guy. He was going home, and we were only together three weeks. I must admit we didn't work too hard while we were together. My girlfriend had just broken up with me, and I was depressed. Plus, my broken foot and his bad knee made getting around difficult. We did some work, but often holed up in our apartment. I regret to say I was kind of a "bucket" (i.e. lazy) missionary during those three weeks, and I regret even more that I didn't seem to care.

Elder J was a good kid. We actually had a lot of success together. Another successful convert from Zaire came out of this companionship (although sadly that convert vanished a few years later (people suspect that since he was a refugee from Zaire who had beat a corrupt cop who raped his wife, that the Zaire police eventually found him and either took him back to Zaire or killed him)).

Elder J was kind of quiet, but nice. I liked him. I don't know what he's up to these days, but I like to imagine he's still active.

Elder K was brand new to the mission, and I was his trainer. he so enthusiastic and on fire at a time when I was becoming tired and slightly jaded. Again, he was the right companion for me at the right time. I liked (and was simultaneously annoyed by) his enthusiasm and naivety. He was a go-getter, and I admired his spirit. We had some good successes. I would be very, very surprised if he weren't still active. He's probably a bishop or counselor somewhere by now.

Elder L was an enjoyable companion. We got along well and had a lot of fun together. He was also kind of cute.

We didn't have as much success together work-wise, although we tried. I have no idea where he is these days.

Elder M was my second least-favorite companion after Elder C. At least Elder M worked hard (unlike Elder C). Elder M and I couldn't have been more different. We were like oil and water. He was ultra-conservative while I was liberal. Our personalities were quite opposite. We had nothing in common except that we were missionaries. Our styles were very different. He wanted to be in charge, and I would have been more than happier to be the follower. He expected me to know all the answers and take charge, but when I tried to lead, he would always resist. He also had some insecurity issues and could be very mean and abrasive at times. We didn't mesh well together, and it was hard to work with him, but I still would have taken him over Elder C any day. I don't know where he is, but I'm sure he's still quite conservative.

My last companion, Elder N, was trunkier than I was, and he still had a year left, and I was the one going home. He wasn't very focused on his mission and still very much had his foot in the outside world. It was hard for me to stay focused as well, but we did teach one lady together who was later baptized after I left (although I think she went inactive).

I did attend Elder N's wedding reception after our missions. I haven't heard much from him since. I liked him, though. He was a nice guy, but I do think it would have been better for both of us (and for the work) if we hadn't been so trunky.

Well, I'm not sure how interesting this has been to read, but it's been on my mind today.

A Heart Full Of Love

2011-09-13T01:15:00.000-07:00

On Sunday I sang in church again. I chose to sing "I Know My Redeemer Lives," although a slightly off-kilter and dissonant, but very pretty version of it.I always loved singing in church prior to my excommunication, and I still do. It's also a nice loophole because it allows me to bear my testimony through song, which is great.

I had practiced the song on Saturday with my accompanist. She's really good. The song was a bit challenging for her at first, but I knew she's get the hang of it. She gave me some good suggestions on interpretation of the music, too, and it made the song better.

The key the song was in was a good one, but there was a certain note I was finding it difficult to place in my voice correctly (the "He LIVES" part) and hoped I would find it by Sunday.

Sunday morning my voice wasn't as up to snuff as I had hoped, and I hoped my voice wouldn't crack or sound strained.

Sunday School was quite enjoyable, and a lot of people participated in the discussion, which was about a variety of things pertaining to Paul and the Corinthians (including godly sorrow, forgiveness, and being reconciled to God), so that was nice.

The instructor really focused on God's justice being tempered with His mercy and how if any one of us actually got what we truly deserved, none of us would be worthy of the blessings and rewards God grants us, but because He loves us and is merciful and eternally understanding, we can be granted (and often are granted) far above that which we deserve.

In Sacrament Meeting the first talk was given by a return missionary. It was a good talk, although I admit to missing some of it because I was too focused on my song.

It's so strange; I'm a performer and have often performed in front of hundreds of people, and I don't get too nervous. But I always get more nervous when I sing (or when I used to speak) in church. I don't know why for sure, but I think it really has to do with the fact that not only do I want to perform well (which is a given), but I also really want to help others feel the spirit or inspire or move them, so I always feel like the stakes are higher. I suppose as an actor, I have similar motives (wanting to inspire or move people), but for some reason singing in church makes me more nervous than singing on stage.

In any case, I went up to sing the song, and I was really pleased with how easy the sound came out considering that my voice hadn't felt at its best. But it sounded good, and I was happy. As I stood up there, I felt so pleased to be there. It really did feel like a chance to share my testimony, and it felt like a gift and a privilege (one that I often took for granted when I was still a member).

My voice felt fairly effortless and well-supported. The I got to the part that says, "He lives, my kind, wise, heavenly friend...," and I couldn't continue. Emotion just overtook me, and I had to stop singing because I really felt it. Jesus is, indeed my friend, and he is beyond kind. As I sang the next phrases, "He lives and loves me to the end / He lives, and while He lives I'll sing...," my voice strangled through the tears. It was not my prettiest singing to be sure, but I also am keenly aware that it isn't about me and my performance; it's about feeling the spirit and the Savior's love, and in that I feel I succeeded. At least, I hope I did.

By the time I got to "He lives, my prophet, priest, and king," things were back on track vocally, although it was hard not to break again. I just felt so honored to be there and so grateful to be sharing my love and testimony of the Savior. When I finished, my eyes were wet, but I felt good inside.

My dear friend next gave a talk about hope, and she discussed the events of 9-11 and the tsunami in Japan (where she served her mission), and talked about how when devastating things happen, we can still find hope through the Savior. I was both happy that someone in church had brought 9-11 into it and was also happy about how Christ-centered her talk was, which sometimes I feel is lacking in some church talks.

It was a good meeting. I enjoyed the talks, and I was grateful for the opportunity to sing. After the closing hymn, several people came up to me and said they had really enjoyed the song and that they could really feel my love for the Savior. Another member wrote me a message on Facebook saying he had really loved it, especially since it was his favorite hymn, and another neighbor came up to me today while I was throwing away trash to say how beautiful she thought it was.

I don't share that out of any boastfulness. I sure hope that isn't how it comes across. I was simply pleased that people had been touched by it. I had both prayed that I would perform the song well and that it would help people feel of my testimony of the spirit, and I was grateful that my prayers were answered.

Just once I would like to get through a song in church without bawling. Like I said, I know it isn't about me. The performance isn't as important as the spirit. But as a performer, it would be nice to get through a song without breaking down. It doesn't happen often. My heart just gets so full when I sing in church, and I feel God's love so strongly, I just can't seem to compose myself.

On the other hand, I like that it gives me the opportunity to cry. I don't cry as often as I would like, and sometimes, to others, I wonder if I come off as emotionally cold. I feel I have a very sensitive spirit, but I am also a very guarded spirit and subconsciously don't seem to want to allow myself to cry. Singing in church almost always gives me the opportunity to do so, and I am grateful for that.

My show has ended. I am in town in Utah for one more week because I have an audition and I am also trying to finish last-minute cleaning so that my niece and future nephew-in-law can move into the house after I've left.

One more week before I get to spend some quality time with my husband. I am so excited and looking forward to it. I love him so much. My heart is just full.

Thanks, Heavenly Father, for giving me Jonah!

Memories of 9-11

2011-09-12T01:47:00.000-07:00

I had hoped to get this posted sooner, but this weekend has been busy and time has just gotten away from me.

10 years ago from today seems almost like a lifetime ago in some ways. I was still a member of the LDS Church; I was still trying very hard to be straight (and was actually going to therapy at LDS Family Services to help me cope with my homosexual feelings – some of it was helpful for other reasons, but it did not help alleviate my homosexual issues); I was still very closeted and feeling very stressed and depressed and angst-ridden by it; I was a non-union actor, meaning I made a lot less money doing the same job; I didn’t have my master’s degree; I didn’t have a house, three cats, and a partner; I hadn’t even met Jonah yet, and it’s weird to think that there was even a time when he didn’t exist in my life; I certainly wasn’t as happy as I feel today.

On the morning of September 11, 2001 I was sleeping in, as is my custom. My sister had been married two days before in a surprise, rather hastily-put-together wedding (that is, we knew she’d be getting married eventually, but her abrupt (to us) decision to get married that Sunday was a surprise to her family members. To tell you the truth, I was still reeling from it, hoping she’d made the right decision.

I was also planning on going to Pennsylvania that week to attend my ex-girlfriend’s wedding to her now-husband, who was (and still is) also a friend. That Tuesday morning my mom crept into what used to be my bedroom and woke me up. She had to go somewhere (work, I assume) but wanted to let me know what was going on before she left.

“[Cody],” she whispered as she shook my shoulder, “I have to go, but I just wanted you to know what’s happening.”

“Ergg,” I muttered, only half-awake.

My mom stared at me very seriously and said, “Some planes flew into the Twin Towers in New York, and the buildings are gone now.”

I tried to focus. “What?” I asked, looking at her as if she were nuts. I was still half-asleep and couldn’t really hone in on what she was saying.

“This morning some planes flew into the World Trade Center and the buildings were destroyed,” she repeated. “They’re gone.”

What did she mean, “gone”? How could two buildings that had been around for as long as I could remember just be “gone.” I seriously didn’t know if she was kidding or crazy or what, but my mind started coming into focus rather quickly.

I sat up in bed. “What are you talking about, Mom?” I asked. “How can they be gone?”

“They fell. They just collapsed,” she answered. “They’re gone.”

I sincerely didn’t believe her. It just sounded too crazy. Too unreal.

“I don’t understand. Why did the planes fly into the Twin Towers?”

“They don’t know. But they say it’s an attack. The Pentagon was hit, too. Anyway, I have to go, but I just wanted you to know what was going on. It’s on the news. That’s all they’ve been showing.”

I quickly put on some clothes and hurried upstairs. Mom already had the television on, as I recall, and she was still getting ready to leave. I watched the news. There was so much confusion, so many unanswered questions, so much that was still unknown.

Then I saw the footage. I saw a plane hit the second tower. I saw both buildings come tumbling down until there was nothing left but dust. I saw a smoldering Pentagon. I don’t remember seeing footage of the wreckage of United 93 in that field, but I’m sure I must have. I distinctly remember the Towers. And as I watched this footage over and over, ad nauseum, I suddenly became aware of all the people that must be dead – the people in the planes, the people in the buildings, the people on the ground, the brave souls trying to help them escape – and I suddenly felt such a sickening feeling in my stomach and soul. It must be thousands, I thought. Why would someone do this?

It was clear by the time I found out about these events that they were done intentionally. This was no accident. It appeared to be a calculated, organized attack. I was so flabbergasted by this. I couldn’t believe that someone would purposely kill all these innocent people.

I could not stop watching the news. It was depressing and scary and terrifying and confusing, but I could not turn my eyes away. I craved even the smallest bit of new information in the hopes of getting some sort of answer that would make sense of all of this. Mostly, it was all repeat information and, of course, no answers to make sense of the situation ever came.

By the time I had to go to work that night, I felt so sad and drained by the events that had unfolded that day that I just felt numb.

We were in rehearsals for a Halloween show, and we all showed up to rehearsal confused, sad, angry, bewildered, depressed, and befuddled. We spent a good deal of time talking out our feelings, which were still so raw. Our director wondered if we should cancel rehearsal. We all agreed that we needed something to keep our minds off the events of the day, if only for a few hours, and so we all agreed to rehearse, which actually was a nice break from the reality that awaited us outside the theater.

After rehearsal, part of me hoped that what had happened that day hadn’t really happened at all – that it was just a dream or a joke. But of course it wasn’t.

I was concerned about flying to Pennsylvania that week, not because I was afraid of flying or fearful of another terrorist attack, but because the next week was our tech. week and opening for our show and I worried, with planes being grounded and such, that it would be difficult to get back home for those very important rehearsals, if I even got to Pennsylvania at all.

The bride and the groom, who lived in California, and were to fly to Pennsylvania for the wedding, ended up renting a car and driving to get there in time. Other friends who had planned on coming couldn’t get there at all. I was actually lucky. My plane trip was later in the week, and by the time I flew out, planes were operational at about 50%, and mine was one of them.

I remember in those early days before security measures were tightened, security was still halfway between what it was pre-9-11 and what it is now. I remember thinking how easy it still would have been to smuggle a knife on board, and I was surprised by that since the terrorists had managed to take over using box cutters to dispatch those that got in their way.

My flight, which actually left not terribly long after it was scheduled to, was not very full. I guess a lot of people didn’t want to travel that week. I remember the guy next to me (who was on his way back home to Rhode Island) and I talked about how we weren’t afraid to fly, and that if something were to happen and it was our time to go, so be it. I also remember he had been stranded in the airport for several days.

The flight to Pennsylvania (via Minneapolis) was fine, although people were obviously jittery. In Pennsylvania, my ex-girlfriend’s pastor at her Methodist church gave a really great sermon on the events of the week. I remember it was outside because their church building was being remodeled or something, and while I don’t remember all the details of the sermon, I do remember feeling comforted by some of it.

The wedding was great, although I was sad that my ex-girlfriend’s special day was overshadowed by the events of the week and that so many friends who had been planning on coming were unable to.

My flight home was a different matter. My flight from Pittsburgh to Minneapolis was okay, but my flight to Salt Lake City was more problematic.

When the flight arrived, we boarded, and my seat was next to a couple. I wanted a window seat, and as I had done many times prior to 9-11, simply switched seats. In a post-9-11 world, this turned out to be a big mistake. A female flight attendant looked at me warily and asked for my boarding pass. Unfortunately, I had left it in my carry-on in the bin over my original seat. I told her I could grab it.

With panic in her eyes, she said, “Sir, please follow me.” I again repeated that I could get the pass. She said, more firmly, “Just follow me, sir!”

I was taken off the plane into the area right before one boards the plane. The entire crew (captain, co-pilot, attendants, everybody) awaited me. They proceeded to interrogate me. Who was I? Why was I in a seat that wasn’t supposed to have a passenger in it? Why was I traveling? Where was my boarding pass? What did I do for a living? How had I purchased my ticket? These people all had terror in their eyes, and I felt terrible that my unscheduled seat-switch was the cause of their angst and concern. The pilot looked over my driver’s license, front and back, over and over, asked me questions like “how much do you weigh?” and “when is your birthday?”, and looked at me trying to determine whether I was a threat or not. A flight attendant was sent into the pre-boarding area to verify that I had, indeed, purchased my ticket through Orbitz. When it was finally determined 15 minutes later that I was, indeed, who I said I was, I was allowed back on the plane. I felt embarrassed and genuinely remorseful for causing that poor flight crew an unnecessary scare, and I realized that the world had indeed changed from what it had been prior to 9-11. The pilot did apologize to me as I disembarked, simply saying, “We’re sorry about that. But unfortunately this is how we have to do things now.” And indeed it was and is.

What I remember most about the evening of 9-11 and the following days was the spirit of unity and patriotism and camaraderie and selflessness that was evident. I loved seeing people band together and pull together and the national pride that was so much a part of those days. I remember seeing American flags everywhere and signs that said “Honk for America,” which I gladly did. Mostly, I remember the charitable spirit so many people seemed to have – concern for strangers; people donating blood, money, necessities, whatever they could to help; the collective mourning we all shared. If there was a bright side to this terrible tragedy, that was it for me.

I wrote in my journal on September 15: “It’s like so much of the selfishness that I feel has engulfed this country for so long has melted away. Whereas a week ago you saw instances of Republicans vs. Democrats; one religion vs. another; church vs. state; and where it seemed like it was every man for himself, I [now] see such an outpouring of unity and friendship. A week ago budget problems, Olympic scandals, and other minute concerns filled the news; today everyone is band[ing] together towards a common cause. On an average day at an airport, people are impatient and rude. Yet with all these delays and inconveniences now, people in general seem to be very polite and understanding and more concerned with safety of themselves and others than they are in trying to get to a certain destination in time. The value of life seems to take precedence over the minute details of that life. Whereas a cell phone may have annoyed me a week ago, now I think how nice it is that two people can communicate so conveniently to let each other know that the other is okay. It’s like everyone has a different perspective on the meaning of life, and it’s delightful to see people more concerned with each other than they are with themselves.

“…I think God permits these horrible acts to happen to humble us and to unite us.

“I’ve never been as proud to be an American as I have been these last four days. These terrorists don’t know what a failure their mission has been. They may have caused irreparable physical damage, killed countless innocents, and caused economic damage as well; but they can never kill this country’s spirit. If anything, they have made us stronger. I always believed that if this country fell, it would be our own doing (our pride, arrogance, and selfishness), not by an outside enemy. All these terrorists have done is foolishly ‘awakened a sleeping giant’ (a phrase used [after Pearl Habor]). I’d hate to be in their shoes.

“While I mourn the inconceivable losses, I am grateful for the awakening of selflessness and patriotism. I hope it stays that way.

“Yes, there have been instances of hate and narrow-mindedness directed specifically towards our Muslim residents here in America (which is sad because first, I’m sure many (even the majority) feel just as terrible about the events of the last few days as anybody; and secondly, because by directing that hate towards innocent people, the narrow-minded fool illustrates that he is no better than the original terrorists). But, overall, I haven’t seen such a positive effect on our country in a long time.”

How soon we forgot. I was dismayed when that feeling of unity and brotherhood seemed to melt away as the months continued. I remember feeling that the Bush administration squandered and abused that unity for its own selfish purposes when it decided to invade Iraq, a move I, frankly, did not understand at the time when I felt we should be concentrating our resources on finding Osama bin Laden, who it didn’t seem was going to be found. In fact, at the time I really felt that the Iraq War was a diversion to get the American people’s minds off the fact that the hunt for bin Laden seemed to be failing and was dismayed that so many of my fellow Americans seemed to fall for it.

And then I began to see all the old divisions crop up: politicians fighting, people being told they were un-American if they didn’t back the Bush administration’s determination to invade Iraq, the poor French being attacked for disagreeing and that whole “Freedom Fries” bullcrap. It was back to the “same-old, same-old.” And then I saw what I felt were abuses of power and the preying on people’s fear due to the events of 9-11.

I look where we are today. It’s the same, if not worse, than pre-9-11, and I miss and long for those brief months of shared unity and solidarity we experienced in the aftermath of one of the worst tragedies this nation has ever known. Why couldn’t we maintain it? Why did we let it slip through our collective fingers?

I look at much of the pettiness, mean-spiritedness, divisiveness, pridefulness, and polarization that seems to dominate this country, and I feel sad that we lost that precious gift that 9-11 actually gave us. I’m still an optimist at heart. I still believe most people are basically good. I still believe we can achieve that unity and love if we only want it enough. We did it once before because we needed to. I wish we would do it again because we remember how great it was the first time and because we want it badly enough. How often we need to be humbled and reminded. I hope it doesn’t require another tragedy to accomplish that.

A Lost Statistic And What I Miss and Don't Miss

2011-09-08T14:49:00.000-07:00

I remember attending a Priesthood lesson not too long after I had returned from my mission. I remember very distinctly that it was taught by a friend of mine with whom I had gone to school (from elementary to high school). He had been home longer from his mission than I had (because I went when I was 21 and he went when he was 19, like most missionaries do).

I remember in his lesson he gave a statistic, which I have tried for some time to recall. As I was cleaning out my room in preparation for my niece and future nephew-in-law's arrival, I found a bunch of old scraps of paper, many dating from my post-mission days. Imagine my surprise when I actually found on one of these scrsps of paper the very statistic I had been trying to recall. (Yes, I save everything, but I am trying very hard of late to throw more stuff away. I am getting better.)

As for this statistic, I have no idea where my friend got it or learned it, nor do I know if it is or ever was accurate, but I do remember how it impacted me when I heard it just fresh off my mission.

The statistic was laid out in the following fashion during that Priesthood meeting 17 or so years ago: my friend said if a typical MTC (Missionary Training Center) district has 12 missionaries in it (mine had 10), statistics say that 2 of those missionaries will eventually apostatize from the Church or be excommunicated; 3 will become inactive; three will remain active, but will not be particularly stalwart as members; and the other four will remain very strong in the gospel and magnify their callings and be stalwart members of the Church.

I suppose for a district of ten (like I had), it would break down differently: maybe one excommunication and two inactives or only 3 stalwart members. I'm not sure how you would factor that in. Math was never my thing.

I do not even recall the original point of my friend's lesson (probably something along the lines of what we need to do to make sure we're one of the four who remains strong in the Church), but I do remember the effect it had on me.

At the time it was so hard to believe that anybody in my district would ever be excommunicated from the Church or leave the Church. We had just sacrificed two years of our lives to bear witness of the truthfulness of the gospel and help people convert to Mormonism to change their lives for the better. Why would any of us leave or do something that would merit excommunication?

I remember at the time (and this shows you where my mind and pridefulness were), I began to think about who of my fellow MTC district members would be most likely to follow a path to excommunication or apostasy. I remember mulling it over and thinking, "Well, I can see Elder So-and-So maybe following that path. Of other members of my district, I thought, "Elder or Sister So-and-So would never stray. I just can't see that happening."

I actually sat there pondering which missionaries I thought would eventually fall into which category, which wasn't even the point of the lesson, and I was missing the lesson as my mind executed this experiment in unrighteous judgment.

As for myself, I think I put myself in the category of "remains active, but is somewhat lukewarm in his membership." Never did I imagine that it would actually be me who turned out to be the excommunicated one.

I have no idea what has become of the majority of my MTC district. I have lost track of most of them. I am Facebook friends with two of them, and they both appear to still be active in the LDS Church. I'd be curious to know where they all are in their lives and in their testimonies.

But if the statistic is true, I represent the excommunicated missionary, and I find that so ironic considering what I felt at the time of the Priesthood lesson when this statistic was introduced to me. Granted, I feel like I still have a testimony, and I still actively attend an LDS ward, so I don't feel like an apostate, but I just thought it was interesting.

I even remember thinking at the time of my actual excommunication that even though I knew I would be excommunicated how bizarre it felt to me, someone who had devoted nearly 35 years of his life to the LDS Church and who had been a member his entire life, that I was actually being excommunicated. Granted, it was my own actions that led to excommunication; I just remember feeling that it was so surreal that I was losing my membership in a church I'd belonged to my entire life.

I don't regret the actions that led to my excommunication, nor do I even regret being excommunicated. It is what it is, and I have dealt with it fine. In many ways, my life is so much happier, and I did what I had to do to achieve wellness in my life, and I feel I have gotten just that, so I don't regret it. I just think it's interesting.

I was pondering what things I miss about being a fully fellowshipped member and what things I don't miss. I thought I would share some of them.

Things I don't miss:

I do not miss home teaching in the slightest. I never liked doing it, and it always felt like a burden to me. I'm glad I don't have to feel guilty about not doing it.

Which brings up another thing I don't miss: feeling guilty for never measuring up to what I always felt the Church expected me to be. As a member of the LDS Church, I always felt such a responsibility and accountability to be everything I was taught I should be, and I just never felt like it was within my reach. As someone who no longer feels bound to the covenants I made, life feels much more relaxing and stress-free, and I like that.

Along with the guilt, I don't miss the pressure and responsibility that come with being a member of the LDS Church. Being a Mormon can be very hard work, and it's hard to live up to the ideal. I'm glad I don't have to deal with that anymore. I can just be content being me.

I don't miss the facade I always felt like I put up at church. I feel I can genuinely go to church now and just be who I am, and I'm so okay with that. It's much more joyful now.

I don't miss paying tithing. I actually believe strongly in the blessings of tithing and saw many examples of it in my own life and saw and continue to see examples of it in the lives of those I am close to. I was mostly pretty good about paying a regular tithe, too (although I admit there were some instances when I wasn't doing as well financially when I slipped in the tithing department). As an excommunicated member, I am not allowed to pay tithing, and I find it's quite nice having the extra money, and it's also nice to not feel guilty for not paying it.

I actually don't miss giving public prayers. I like praying, but I prefer to pray privately. I never really enjoyed giving opening and closing prayers in church meetings.

I don't miss feeling obligated to accept callings I didn't really want. When the bishop calls you to do something, you feel like God Himself wants you to do it, and that's a lot of pressure, especially when the calling is something you're really not interested in accepting. I like that I no longer feel that angsty feeling of accepting a calling I don't want to accept.

I don't miss going to Priesthood. As an excommunicated member, I could go to Priesthood if I desired (and actually I had stopped attending Priesthood well before I was excommunicated), but I still don't miss it. I have tried going back a few times, but I never seem to get much out of it. It's just kind of nice not to have to deal with it anymore.

I don't miss wearing garments. Giving them up was an adjustment at first, and I did miss them initially, but now I like just sleeping in my underwear, and I love the variety of underwear I can wear now as a non-member.

I don't miss seeing the world just from inside the Mormon box. Being excommunicated has altered my perspective in a good way, and I am grateful for that.

Things I do miss:

I really miss giving talks. I quite enjoyed doing it, and I feel (and have been told) I am good at giving them. Any time I hear a speaker lament the fact that they were called to give a talk, I just shake my head and think how lucky they are. I think I still have a lot of valuable things I could contribute were I allowed to give a talk, and I wish I could.

I miss being able to bear my testimony in Sacrament Meeting. I still have one, and it would be nice to share it in a public forum.

I do miss serving in callings that I enjoyed. I really enjoyed teaching in Priesthood, for example, and I adored my calling as a Primary teacher. I always wanted to teach Sunday School or serve as ward chorister.

I miss commenting in class. Again, I feel like I have some valuable contributions to make. I wish I could.

I miss seeing my name in the ward directory or on class rolls. It feels so strange not to.

Occasionally, I do miss going to the temple. Temple-going was not always my favorite thing to do, but there were some things I did like about it, and I miss that. I also miss that I can't attend the temple to support family members of friends in marriages or taking out their endowments and such.

I miss taking the sacrament and sustaining people, mostly because it made me feel more like I still belonged to the "club."

Things I'm glad I can still do and that I feel grateful for:

I'm glad I can still sing in church, both individually on the stand and in the congregation singing hymns. I love music, and I feel it's a great way to both share my testimony and feel the spirit.

I'm grateful for the fellowship my fellow ward members and leaders give me. Many people know of my situation, but all have treated me just as they always have. I feel very welcome, and I still feel very much a part of the ward family. I still enjoy attending ward activities, too, when I am able.

I'm grateful that I can still listen to talks and lessons and testimonies and find applications for my life and feel closer to God and feel His spirit.

I'm grateful for the comfort I still have in continuing to attend meetings in a religious organization that I grew up in. It feels comfortable and right to me.

I'm grateful that my testimony is still fortified by my continuing to attend my LDS ward.

I'm grateful that I feel I can attend church on my own terms and no one else's; that I'm going out of want rather than out of duty, as I sometimes used to do; that I can take what feels useful to me and use it and discard what isn't currently useful to me. I'm also grateful I can skip an occasional Sunday once in a while and not feel guilty about it.

I'm grateful I can still read the scriptures and the Ensign and be inspired by them.

Excommunication is a weird thing. Like I said, I understand my own actions brought it about, and like I said, I have no regrets about. It's just an odd thing, I think.

Feeling The Spirit Of Love

2011-09-08T00:19:00.000-07:00

This evening I participated in a benefit concert at Club Jam in Salt Lake City to raise money for Dane Hall's medical bills. I wrote about Dane in a recent post. Last I heard we had raised $5,799, which was beyond our expectations. I also know at least $7,000 has been donated through other venues, and I know of at least three other fundraisers that are being done to help Dane, so maybe he'll end up with at least $15,000. That's still less than half of what he currently needs (and I assume his medical bills will continue to accumulate), but it's a start.

It was truly a great experience to be involved in tonight's fundraiser. So many people volunteered their time, talents, material goods, and money to help a poor kid that has been put into a bad situation by some bad people. There was a raffle, a silent auction, and, of course, the concert. It is so heart-warming to see so many people coming together for a common cause to help a guy that most of them (myself included) don't even know. That is truly the spirit of love, and I think that is what we are here on this planet for.

Some numbers were serious, some were funny; all were performed well. A friend of mine started with a medley of "Always" / "How Deep is the Ocean?" (one of my favorite songs) / and "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." It was beautiful.

Another friend sang a really "kick-ass" rendition of "Come to Your Senses" from the Jonathan Larson musical Tick, Tick...Boom. A guy I didn't know sang "What a Wonderful World." Another friend sang a powerful version of a song I was unfamiliar with, "Perfect." I really liked it. I think it was written for the musical, High Fidelity, but was cut.

A friend wrote an original song he wrote called "I Will Follow You Down" (I think), two more friends sang "If Mama Were Married" from Gypsy, another friend and a guy I didn't know sang "In Whatever Time We Have" from Children of Eden, and a good friend sang "My Man" from Funny Girl.

There were some funny songs like "Lesbian Love Story" from The Wild Party, "Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Bride" from I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change, "I'm a Catholic" from Altar Boyz, and a parody version of "Superfreak" from Salt Lake Acting Company's production of Saturday's Voyeur.

One woman who sounded like Billie Holiday did an absolutely rock-solid version of "God Bless the Child." She was phenomenal! Two of my friends sang a touching rendition of "For Good" from Wicked, which made me cry for many reasons, and cast members from Pioneer Theatre Company's recent production of Rent sang "Seasons of Love," which we all joined in singing, and I felt the love in the room so strongly.

My friend emceed the evening, and he was both funny and poignant.

I felt such love this evening, and I really felt the Spirit. It reminded me of a similar time when I participated in a benefit concert 12 years ago to promote AIDS awareness. At the time, I was very much in the closet and had even quite recently been in a serious relationship with a woman. What struck me about that particular concert was very similar to what I felt this evening: that I could feel so much love in the room and how close I felt to the Spirit.

I remember finding it interesting at the concert 12 years ago that I felt such a great spirit among a high majority of gay people who are often persecuted by people for so-called Christian reason, and I remembering feeling more of a spirit of Christianity in that room than I sometimes felt I experienced from church or religion, where Christianity supposedly resides.

At the time, I wrote, "...I wondered, if some of those narrow-minded people [who condemn homosexuality] could have attended [this] concert and felt that love, would they change their attitudes? I mean, gay people are just like anybody else: they love; they hurt; some are nicer than others; some are more Christian than others (not to mention more Christian than some people who profess to be more Christian than them); and some are doing the very best they can.

"And I thought, would some of the members of my own church...be comfortable at this concert with all these gay people. And sadly, I realized the answer was no. ...it really made me think about what I stand for and what my church stands for and what other members of my church stand for and what we all profess to be [vs.] what we really are."

That concert 12 years ago truly remains one of the highlights of my life. It is one of the times in my life when I have felt the Spirit of God very strongly. I felt that same feeling this evening, although not to the same extent. I'm glad to see that some things have changed. For example, I know more members of my church now that would not have been uncomfortable in that environment than I did 12 years ago.

Or perhaps it is I who have changed. I was more judgmental towards other gay people then than I am now (probably because I was trying so hard to fight it within myself). I remember that concert 12 years ago was a great lesson to me about the goodness of people, especially of people that others sometimes judge to be wicked or sinful.

I think the reason events like these cause me to feel God's spirit so strongly is because there is so much love, caring, and unselfishness in abundance, and isn't that what Christ's message is all about? Love is the key to life. Caring for our fellow man is the key to life. Loving others as God loves us is the key to life, and when we do that, we draw closer to God because we are becoming more like Him.

I hope that, in spite of the bad things people do to one another, that people will never lose faith in the goodness of humanity. Yes, there are people among us who do terrible, terrible things, but there is so much goodness out there, too. There are so many good souls. I hope we never lose track of that.

Anne Frank, who had all the reason to lose faith in humanity, once wrote, ‎"In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can't build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery and death."

It is my fondest hope and dream that I am a force for good in this world. I hope we can all be that. I am an imperfect person with many faults. I can be selfish, lazy, and critical, but I pray that my life will touch others for good rather than bad; that I will lift others rather than tear them down; that my influence will make the lives of the people around me better rather than worse; that others' lives are richer for my being in them rather than worse. I am only one guy...a guy who makes a lot of mistakes...and I have no idea what influence I have on others, for either good or bad, but I sincerely hope when all is said and done that I will have left a mark of goodness and love on the world rather than something negative. I do not know if I am doing that, but I am trying to, and I am hoping I am.

Adventures In Flying And Other Stuff

2011-09-05T23:08:00.000-07:00

So last week I flew home to visit my husband (isn't that sad? - I visit my husband. Since we have been married, we have actually spent more time apart than together because of our jobs.)

I got to the airport an hour before my flight, which is pretty typical of me. I parked my car in the economy lot, and the driver of the shuttle was kind enough to wait as I ran to catch the shuttle. I was surprised that the airport was so busy. It usually isn't (at least when I fly). There was quite a line at security, and I worried a bit because it was moving quite slowly.

One of the reasons the airport was so busy that morning was that there was a huge crop of LDS missionaries heading out on their missions to who knows how many different destinations. As I looked at them, I thought, "My gosh! They're so young! They're just babies - practically fetuses." My next thought was "Was I really that young when I went?" Yes, I was.

I watched these missionaries and saw their expressions of excitement, enthusiasm, fear, confusion, anxiousness, naivety, and determination and remembered well feeling all of those feelings myself when I took off for a strange land 19 years ago.

I loved my mission. I really did. I thought of all the cool places these young men and women must be going to and secretly wished for them that their missions would be as good of an experience for them as mine was for me. I also wanted to tell each one of them to remember that it's about people, not about numbers, and that even if you don't bring someone into the church, you can't consider that a failure. If you're bringing people closer to God or Christ or love or making their lives better in some small way, I consider that a great success.

I had many successes on my own mission, and that didn't necessarily mean baptisms. While I did have some, I only know of one, for sure, who has remained active and strong in the church. The others may have, too, but I have lost track of them. I know one, for sure, who went inactive (he was my first baptism, and actually went inactive before my mission even ended). Although, who knows where he is today.

But I have friendships from my mission that still endure. I have two very good friends who never joined the LDS Church and are pretty much agnostic, but they are two of the best people I know, and I am grateful they are still a part of my life. I have one friend who left the church, but our friendship has remained strong. I have many friends who are still active (who were members when I was a missionary) who I still keep in touch with. I think of other people I met on my mission who touched my life and people whose lives I believe I touched for the better. I am grateful.

I caught my flight, and it left on time. I asked a man if the window seat next to him was taken. He responded, "No," and then continued with, "We love Jessica. we feel very lucky to have her in our law firm, and it's a good thing that Bill Johnson doesn't know how to run a law firm or we never would have gotten her." I was momentarily confused because it seemed he was talking to me. I then assumed we was talking on a bluetooth phone or something, but he wasn't. But he just kept prattling on, and finally I realized he was having a conversation with a woman across the aisle. He later fell asleep and woke up with a start and asked me if the flight attendant had brought coffee by yet. He was very relieved when I said she hadn't.

I love flying. Jonah's not a fan. It scares him. But I love it! I always sit next to the window because I love watching the world get smaller as we rise higher and seeing things from a different perspective. I'm also continually amazed by the miracle of flight itself; that this huge 60-or-so ton behemoth of metal can actually go fast enough to become airborne. It's amazing to me.

I actually didn't look out the window much on this trip because I was busy with my Soduko puzzle (which was supposedly easy, but I managed to screw up royally), and I actually regretted not giving more time to the appreciation of flight like I normally do.

My least favorite part of flight is landing. Taking off I love, but that moment of anticipation when you haven't landed yet, but you're about to hit the pavement always makes me anxious. It's not that I'm afraid of crashing or anything; I rarely even think or worry about that. I'm just always concerned that the landing will be rougher than I am prepared for, and I never know until it actually happens. This pilot's landing was very smooth.

My trip home was way too short. We just had our floors recarpeted, and Jonah needed help moving stuff, which we just didn't have time to fully do. Jonah also had me put some puzzles together for him for a craft project he was doing, and that was fun because I enjoy puzzles. They were 3-D puzzles, though, and were a bit more challenging. Still, they turned out well.

Jonah and I also had opportunities to be intimate, which I have greatly missed. I told him we didn't have to if he was afraid of contracting scabies (read two posts earlier), but, happily, he risked it.

It was also so nice to see our three cats, particularly the one who is most attached to me and ran immediately into my arms when I came home and slept by my side the two nights I was home.

I also had a chance to go to a favorite eatery which is not available in Utah. they have the best sandwiches. That was nice. It was just nice to spend time with Jonah. Happily, my job ends soon, and I will be home for at least a month and a half, depending on if I get a part in a show I am auditioning for soon. It will be nice to be home for a bit, and Jonah and I will be going to Gay Days at Disneyland with two of my college friends, so we're looking forward to that.

My flight home was good. The airport was not busy at all (unlike Salt Lake had been), and there was barely a line at security (although please tell me WHY the lady in front of us waited until she was at the security desk to get out her ID. You know you're going to have to show your boarding pass and ID. Why not get them out before you even get in line instead of hemming and hawing and fishing for it while the seven of us behind you wait for you to do it? Argghhh!)

As someone who flies frequently, I can tell you that I take everything out of my pants and put them in a special pocket in my carry-on (the only bag I take with me most trips) before I even get in line. I have my boarding pass and ID at the ready, and as soon as I get past the security guard that checks my ID, I whip my shoes and belt off, pull out my Ziploc bag of approved liquids, and put them and my bag in those bins, and I go through the scanner worry-free, and I'm ready to go on to my gate. These people that futz and fuss with their shoes and IDs and don't know how to pack (or what to pack) in their carry-ons give me angst. There are plenty of signs around the security area telling you what you are in for, and all the information you need to know about security procedures is online for each airport, so do some preparation, people! It will make all of our lives easier and make the line move faster.

As this one lady was fishing around for her ID, the very-in-a-hurry businessman behind me muttered something I don't care to repeat here. I did not blame him for his aggravation, but wish he had picked a different phrase to express it. When one of the security guards tried to lighten the mood by saying, "It doesn't matter what line you pick, it always seems to be the wrong one, huh?" the businessman gave a sneering look at the woman holding up the line and said, "Yeah, but this one seems to have a stop light!"

Anyway, once I got through security, I had plenty of time before my flight left (again on time). This time I did gaze out the window as I watched in wonder the shrinking city beneath us.

Flying always makes me appreciate how small and insignificant we seem from a distance and how God is able to keep track of each one of us and knows each one of our hearts and souls and problems and needs intimately. It astounds me. I love seeing the world in a completely different way, too. Flying somehow makes me feel closer to God.

We hit some very minor turbulence on the way home, and I chuckled as a woman screamed, startled by a slight bump (well, it was slight to me; obviously she didn't feel the same way).

I was also quite pleased that in addition to my complimentary drink (orange juice), I was able to get two additional refills. That, my friends, is the miracle of flight right there.

Another smooth landing, and I was back home. I caught the parking shuttle right away, and it was a nice warm day. I found my car safe and sound and headed to my mom's house and did a show later that night.

My niece and future nephew-in-law will be moving into my mom's house after they get married a month from now, and I am giving up the room I stay in when I am here as well as another room I use for storage. This is in an effort to give the newlyweds a bit more privacy. When I come to Utah for work, I will now stay in my sister's old room upstairs near my mom's room.

It's hard for me to give up my current room. It's more private, it's cool in the summer and warm in the winter, and it's dark, which I quite like. But I am giving it up voluntarily. I think it's important for a newlywed couple to have a space they can consider their own, especially when they are living with other people at the beginning of their marriage.

I'm really happy they are moving in. Mom's memory is not as good, and especially now that I am going back home to Jonah, it will be nice for her to have people here to help her out and keep her company. It puts my mind more at ease. It's hard for Mom when she's here by herself, and I am glad my niece and future nephew-in-law will be here. Plus, my future nephew-in-law is quite a "Mister Fix-It," which I am not, so that will be nice to have somebody be able to repair and maintain things, which I do not excel at.

In an effort to create more space, we cleaned my mom's basement storage and laundry room, which have needed it for years. Mom wasn't initially wild about everyone going through her things, and it took some initiative to get her to get rid of stuff she's been hanging on to that she never uses (now, you can see where I got my "hoarder" gene), but my niece, future nephew-in-law, mom, and I did a lot of work, and the basement looks so much cleaner and more organized. I amazed what we were able to get Mom to part with, and am equally amazed at what she refuses to get rid of (for example, a manual typewriter with a bad ribbon that she claims she uses for taxes (even though I happen to know Mom hasn't used that typewriter in 15 or 20 years, not to mention the fact that her accountant does her taxes for her) and easily 200 Styrofoam frozen yogurt cups that Mom claims we need for camping (even though we haven't been camping in 25 years and which I know she'll never use)). Oh, well. You pick your battles. She did get rid of a lot of junk, and we have a lot more space now, so it still worked out well.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to going back home to Jonah soon. I've enjoyed my show, but am very ready to close it. I sense that Jonah is kind of done with my being away so much, and I admit that I am kind of done with it, too. I'm not sure what the solution is, but at least I have some time with my husband soon, and we need it.

Help If You Can

2011-09-02T00:22:00.000-07:00

I was planning on writing about my adventures flying as I visited Jonah at our home this week. However, that will have to wait. This is more important.

You may or may not be aware that a gay man was attacked and beaten outside of a gay club in Salt Lake City recently. His name is Dane Hall, and the attack was pretty serious. You can read about it here, here, and here.

He now has some very expensive medical bills to deal with. If you can help him out at all, please go to any Zions Bank branch and make a deposit to the "Dane Hall Fund": 1) In person at a local Zions Bank Branch; 2) Via snail mail: Dane Hall Fund c/o Zions Bank, 701 E 400 S, Salt Lake City, UT, 84102; 3) Online through your own bank's Bill Pay Service. Online check, pay to Zions Bank in the name of "Dane Hall Fund." I don't know the guy at all, but no one deserves this. It disheartens me to know that hate is alive and well and taking its toll on the innocent.

Help if you can.

Just When The Cankers Are Disappearing...Scabies!!!

2011-08-28T22:24:00.000-07:00

No, I don't have scabies (at least, I don't think I do. More on that in a moment).

So I'm feeling much, much better than I was since my last post. This has been a rough week. Monday through Thursday were days of nearly impossible swallowing and congestion. When I did my show on Wednesday, I was so congested, I felt like I was performing in a bubble. Plus, swallowing was still painful. I felt very detached from the show.

Lidocaine became my new best friend. I had to gargle a mix of lidocaine and Maalox (which, frankly, has the consistency of snot, so, yeah, that was gross). But it did deaden the pain at least for an hour or two, so that was great.

The canker at the top of my tonsil has almost completely disappeared. The one behind my tongue seems to be disappearing, too. Yesterday was my first lidocaine-free day since Monday. It's still a bit uncomfortable to swallow, but not painful. I'm hoping by tomorrow or Tuesday the canker sore will be but a distant memory.

Besides, the cankers having shrunk, I'm just feeling much better than I've felt in a while, so that's great.

Oh, and by the way, I got my blood tested to see why I have been feeling ill these past two weeks. I've had shots and blood taken many times in my life and never had a problem with it. Usually, it's just a small prick, and then you're done. This particular nurse plunged that needle into my arm, then rooted around a while until she could find a vein. It certainly was not the most gentle injection I've ever had.

This, boys and girls, is the result of someone who is not very good at taking blood:

Now we have a scabies scare at work. If you are not familiar with this not-so-lovely condition, you can read about it here. Before I go into more detail, you should know that "scabies" is actually one of my favorite words and certainly my favorite disease/affliction-related word. When someone complains of any ailment, no matter what it is, it is not uncommon for me to jokingly respond, "I bet it's scabies." For example, "My knee hurts." "I bet it's scabies." Or the simpler version: "Boy, my nose is really runny today." "Scabies."

No joke, last year several members of the cast of the show I was in (many of whom are in my current show) entertained ourselves by substituting the word "baby" in common songs with "scabies." Among some of our classic pieces were "You Must Have Had Some Beautiful Scabies," "Scabie Love," "Scabie Face," "Hit Me, Scabies, One More Time," and my personal favorite, "Scary Scabies" (sung to the tune of The Four Seasons' "Sherry Baby").

It turns out that scabies is not nearly as funny when someone you actually know has it. Two days ago one of our cast members was diagnosed with it and announced this fun fact as a precaution to us that we may be infected as well. Scabies is highly contagious, and we have spent quite a run (including rehearsal) with this particular castmate, so it is possible any one of us (or all of us) might have it.

Unfortunately, it's very difficult to detect if you have scabies until you start showing symptoms. Scabies are little mites that burrow into your skin and lay eggs. Once those eggs hatch, the newly-born mites travel around under your skin, leaving rash-like track marks and uncontrollabe itching. It's not at all fun to have (although it's still fun to say).

If your skin is exposed to an infected person's skin, especially for a prolonged period of time, the mites can travel from their body to yours. You can also get it from sharing the same clothes or bed or furniture or, really, anything the infected person has touched. If you are infected, symptoms often don't appear for 4-6 weeks.

Our cast member got it from a roommate who went overseas on vacation and apparently picked it up in Asia. Our castmate, obviously, shares much of the same living space with this individual. The good news is her two other roommates, who also share the space, do not have it.

Our castmate also has been told she's probably been infected for about six or seven weeks now, so if we were infected, too, we would probably be showing signs already (but not necessarily). I also don't have a lot of physical contact, either onstage or off, with this person, so I'm hoping I'm safe. But you never know, and when you work with a tight-knit group of people who are sharing and touching a lot of the same things, there is a risk.

Naturally, we're all a bit skittish. We figure if we have it, it's too late anyway, and we'll just have to be treated once we actually start showing symptoms. We mostly deal with it by trying to have the same sense of humor we had when it was just a silly name and not an actual threat.

Watching how bad the itching is for my friend and fellow castmate (who we are now treating like a friendly leper) is hard, and even harder when we know it could just as easily be our own fate.

I still think scabies is a funny word, but I do wonder how funny it will be should I actually have contracted it. I guess we'll see. Hopefully, I will never know.

Jonah, who I'm visiting for a few days, is naturally concerned as well because he sure doesn't want it. I don't know what to do about it, though. If I have it, I already have it. Let's just hope I don't.

It's interesting how many people in the cast are experiencing psychosomatic itching. I haven't experienced that myself, but the few itches I do have make me think twice.

Funny Scabies:

Not-So-Funny Scabies:

Please, Lord, don't let me have scabies!

And Now For Something Gross

2011-08-22T23:54:00.000-07:00

So I have been feeling under the weather the last couple of weeks off and on. One day I'll feel fine, and then the next day I'll feel terrible, and then just when I feel I'm rebounding, the cycle starts over again.

My symptoms have primarily consisted of joint aches (the kind one gets when they have the flu) and general fatigue. Sometimes, however, there has also been congestion and fever.

On Friday a new element appeared. It hurt to swallow, and gave me a painful sensation seemingly deep inside my ear that felt like an ear infection. I finally decided to have myself checked out by a doctor.

So he looks in my ear and doesn't see anything. Next he examines my throat and says, "Whoa, you've got a giant canker sore on your tonsil.

I am surprised that I even have a tonsil since I got mine out when I was eleven, but lo and behold, my tonsils have grown back (at least partially), which apparently is not as uncommon as I believed it was. I have no idea how long I have actually had my newly-discovered tonsils, but I assume they have been there a while.

Anyway, the doctor said that, really, the best thing to do was to let the canker run its course. Anyway, today my throat felt even worse (I couldn't even sleep last night because it hurt to swallow), so I went to another doctor for a second opinion. Lo and behold, I actually have a second canker growing on my tonsil behind my tongue. I was also running a 100 degree fever. Anyway, I've been tested for a couple of viruses and should get the results soon. In the meantime, my doctor prescribed me some antibiotics (in case it isn't a virus) and gave me some lidocaine which I gargle with some Maalox, and that does ease the pain somewhat.

In any case, I would not wish these two canker sores on my worst enemy. It has really been quite painful. Eating yogurt today was a feat! In fact, I haven't eaten much today because it hurts so much. One website said, "One of the most painful types of canker sores you get is a canker sore in the tonsil," and I am finding that to be true.

Fortunately, I tested negative for strep throat and, happily, these sores have not affected my ability to sing and act, which of course, is very important for my job. But I have felt pretty crappy all week and today, in particular.

Anyway, here's some photos of one of my canker sores (the other, more painful, one is behind my tongue and was too hard to photograph. Both cankers are about the same size (slightly smaller than a dime), and they suck!

That white spot down right of my uvula is canker #1. Canker # 2 is below right of it, behind my tongue, but proved too difficult to photograph.

Here is a closeup of canker #1 (I think these two cankers are the largest I have ever had in my life):

Another closeup of canker #1 (the white mass down right of my uvula):

TMI? Probably.

The Trio of Benoit, Ray, And Cody: Mission Friendships That Have Endured

2011-08-11T00:00:00.000-07:00

I've written about Benoit before. He was a guy I taught on my mission, and you can read much about him in that post.

On Facebook the other day, my old missionary companion (let's call him Ray) wrote that he had visited our dear friend, Benoit recently and said the following:

I just returned from visiting [the city in which we served] (I'm still a bit jet lagged). I was their for 10 days and had a lovely time. I hope you will smile to know that your missionary efforts of 18 years ago continue to bring about good.-- I stayed with [Benoit], his wife, and their two boys (ages 9 and 5). -- What a beautiful family! --- [Benoit's] mother (who if you remember said she would disown [Benoit] if he joined the Mormon church) was baptized earlier this year. [Benoit] now serves as the bishop of the...ward.

My goodness, that warmed my heart! To see this man get baptized, serve a mission, get married in the temple, have a family, and now serve as a bishop (and I would bet millions he's a great one) in the ward we served in when we taught him just makes me weep with joy. I thank my Father in Heaven that I was privileged enough to be involved in Benoit's initial conversion and to see how far he's come since then. It really fills me with gratitude. I am honored that God allowed me to be one of the missionaries who was there when His Holy Spirit helped Benoit gain a testimony.

I wrote Benoit on Facebook:

[Ray] said he saw you, and that you are the bishop in [the city where we served] now. He also said that you and your family are well. I am so happy that you are still strong in the gospel. I miss you a lot, my friend.

All my love,

[Cody]

Benoit replied:

I miss you, too, my eternal friend. I am thankful that you and [Ray] saved my life. I would love so much to see you again one day, but at the moment it isn't possible for us to come to Utah. I would love to present to you my family so that you can know them. God bless you, my friend. Lots of love.

[Benoit]

I'd like to remind Benoit that it wasn't Ray and I that saved his life, but his loving and watchful Heavenly Father. I'm so glad that life has given Benoit everything I always thought he deserved. Yea!

Ray's brother is gay, and Ray wrote me (in the same note):

One day I want to understand your situation better (if you are willing to share). I suppose it is too complex a discussion for facebook, so perhaps we will save it for a time we get to catch-up in person. My intent is not one of simple "curiosity"-- but truly to better understand.

I shared with him some thoughts (many of which I've written in this blog). Ray then wrote:

...a theme I have picked-up on over the past several years of General Conference [is] what we do is certainly important; but more important is what we become.-- Or said in another way: we are wise to monitor how our thoughts and actions shape how charitably we feel towards others, because in the end (as the scriptures teach) we will be judge by our hearts and how charitable we have become.-- I lack the ability to put myself in your shoes, and know how you feel-- but it is impressive that you continue to focus on being kind, and loving (as Christ would be), even toward people who fail to see that their own sins of pride & selfishness are a weightier matter to God than the gender to which a man or woman feels attracted.---- Well we both have 50 more years on this planet-- during which we will have the opportunity to discuss this issue further. Until then my good friend...

Love,

Ray

I replied:

Thanks for your thoughts, [Ray]. I agree with what you've said. As for me, I'm just trying to live the best life I can and take comfort that my Father is my ultimate judge. I just hope I am doing Him proud.

Love ya lots,

[Cody]

to which he replied:

Your comment made me smile really big. -- I happen to love the writings of C.S. Lewis. A great quote from his book Mere Christianity says this:

"Some of us who seem quite nice people may, in fact, have made so little use of a good heredity and a good upbringing that we are really worse than those whom we regard as fiends. Can we be quite certain how we should have behaved if we had been saddled with the psychological outfit, and then with the bad upbringing, and then with the power, say, of Himmler? That is why Christians are told not to judge. We see only the results which a man's choices make out of his raw material. But God does not judge him on the raw material at all, but on what he has done with it. Most of the man's psychological makeup is probably due to his body: when his body dies all that will fall off him, and the real central man, the thing that chose, that made the best or the worst out of this material, will stand naked. All sorts of nice things which we thought our own, but which were really due to a good digestion, will fall off some of us : all sorts of nasty things which were due to complexes or bad health will fall off others. We shall then, for the first time, see every one as he really was. There will be surprises. -- Mere Christianity by C. S. Lewis"
END OF QUOTE

Lewis wasn't speaking directly to the homosexual issue-- so you will forgive such terms as 'fiend'.-- I love how he points out that we all start with different "raw material"-- and God is more interested in seeing our efforts to turn our raw material into something acceptable to Him-- and less interested in what our raw material has actually become.--- In short-- He wants to see us each do the best that we can, with what we have been given.-- As Christians we should not think that each of our 'best efforts' will look the same from a surface glace.-- Lewis doesn't speak from the light of the restored gospel-- so he is not accurate in his understanding of our body not being a factor n the final judgment-- but I believe his principle is correct.

And I said:

I believe his principle is correct, too. I really like that book. Lots of good stuff in it. Thanks for sharing it.

I like C.S Lewis. He was a good man. So are Ray and Benoit.

Members Of The Body, All Important

2011-08-10T10:37:00.000-07:00

The other day in church our instructor in Sunday School was talking about how all of us are needed. It's like the scriptures say,

For the body is not one member, but many.

If the foot shall say, Because I am not the hand, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of the body?

And if the ear shall say, Because I am not the eye, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of the body?

If the whole body were an eye, where were the hearing? If the whole were hearing, where were the smelling?

But now hath God set the members every one of them in the body, as it hath pleased him.

And if they were all one member, where were the body?

But now are they many members, yet but one body.

And the eye cannot say unto the hand, I have no need of thee: nor again the head to the feet, I have no need of you.

Nay, much more those members of the body, which seem to be more feeble, are necessary:

And those members of the body, which we think to be less honourable, upon these we bestow more abundant honour; and our uncomely parts have more abundant comeliness.

For our comely parts have no need: but God hath tempered the body together, having given more abundant honour to that part which lacked:

That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another.

And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it.

(1 Corinthians 12: 14-26)

Sometimes when one goes to church, they may feel like they don't belong or they may feel misunderstood or shunned or feel like they aren't contributing.

Heck, as an excommunicated member of the LDS Church, I could choose to feel this way. But we are all important. We are all needed. The pinky toe is just as vital a member as the heart. The appendix is just as valid as the brain. The gall bladder is just as much a creation of the body as the mouth is. We are all here for a reason. God made the body the way he did for a reason, and likewise, he made each of us as members of the human family or ward family the way he did for a reason. We all have different contributions to make, different strengths and talents, and we are all here for an important reason.

I like that.

Pure Love

2011-08-09T22:55:00.000-07:00

As I'm sure some of you are aware, Chieko Okazaki, who served as first counselor in the Relief Society from 1990-1997, passed away about a week ago. Sister Okazaki served in that position when I served as a missionary from 1992-1994. I loved her speaking style and her manner and found her very refreshing and open-minded. My mom sent me her book, Lighten Up when I was one my mission, and it helped me a great deal at a time when I was beating myself up for not living up to what I felt I was supposed to living up to. I love her writing style, and really felt that Sister Okazaki's words spoke to my spirit.

I eventually read her books, Aloha, Cat's Cradle, and Disciples, all of which I enjoyed. I intend to read her other books eventually. I'm sure I will like them as well.

In the article in the Salt Lake Tribune, which memorialized her, there was a quote from Sister Okazaki. It said, "Perfect people don’t need a savior. He came to save his people in their imperfections. He is the Lord of the living and the living make mistakes. He’s not embarrassed by us, angry at us, or shocked. He wants us in our brokenness, in our unhappiness, in our guilt and our grief.”

You know I really believe that. There was a time in life when I felt so unworthy and so much that I was disappointing God or making him sad. I no longer feel that way. God knows who I am and knows my heart perfectly, just as He knows you and yours. He is not embarrassed by us. He is not angry with us. He is not surprised or shocked by anything we do. He knows we're human and subject to human frailties and weaknesses. And he planned for that. We would have no need of a Savior if we were perfect, and I believe Jesus' atonement makes up for that which we lack. I believe our Father is more loving and merciful than we can possibly comprehend. I think as humans we often attribute a lot of our own negative qualities and emotions on our Creator because that is all we understand. We sometimes see God as angry or full of shame for us or disgusted by us. We see him as stern or think that some of the things we do are so bad that He couldn't possibly love or tolerate us. Some people think God hates them. I just don't believe that is who God is. Feel free to disagree all you want; but I don't believe that's what God is about.

Granted, religions sometimes teach us to feel this way or sometimes we misinterpret doctrine and that causes us to believe it is so. I also think our relationships with our imperfect human associates on this planet paint our attitudes and beliefs about our perfect Father in Heaven. Parents might throw their kids out or turn their backs on them because of behaviors they disapprove of, so we might feel that our Heavenly Father would do the same. We might be so disgusted by a person's actions that we find it nigh impossible to forgive them, so we think our Father would react the same way. We may be angry or disappointed at someone for perpetrating an act we find intolerable or unfavorable, so we assume our Father would behave the same way.

Here's the thing: how we view God is created by the filter our mortal life has given us. Our religious upbringings; what our parents taught us; what our social interactions with other human beings have taught us; the examples we see or read about, how people treat one another, etc.: these are all things that have an effect on how we view God (or on whether we even decide there is a God at all). But ultimately, how I view God these days is based very much on all those things, but also on one more thing: how He has dealt with me personally. I very much believe in an all-loving, very merciful, very understanding God because that is what I have felt from Him personally. It is what His spirit has spoken to my heart. I can't convince anyone else of what I have felt myself, but I know I have felt it, and I very much believe it.

We talk about charity or "the pure love of Christ" a lot, and I have really been thinking a lot about this lately. When one thinks about what purity means, it is something that is unmixed with anything else. It does not contain anything extraneous. It is completely free of taint, stain, spot, or imperfection. There is no harshness or roughness. It is absolute. It is free of any weakness or pollutants. It is undiluted, undefiled, completely refined, and unadulterated. All those human frailties and biases we attach to love in its human form do not taint God's pure love for us.

When we think of how our mortal bodies handle things in complete purity, it is actually overwhelming. Pure sunlight will burn or blind us. Pure oxygen in large and steady doses would actually cause brain damage. Things in their purest form are often overwhelming to our imperfect mortal bodies. I think God's love is impossible to fully comprehend in mortality, although I think we grow to understand it in bits and pieces. But I do believe His love is more powerful, more unconditional, more far-reaching, more compassionate, more forgiving, more merciful, more understanding, and, frankly, more loving than any of us here fully realize.

I see snatches of it in my fellow human beings: the victim who forgives the person that did them wrong; the parent who still loves their child in spite of their doing some awful things; the person who, in spite of terrible circumstances, is continually able to find the good in the situation; the man or woman who will give someone the shirt off their back to help them through a tough time; the huge amounts of generosity I see from people, giving all they can to help others - often complete strangers. So many examples of love. I have to remind myself of them when I read about the terrible things people sometimes do to one another.

I think heaven will be a wonderful place, far more joyful and free of much of the impurity that taints our current existence than we can fully understand. When I've read about near-death experiences, often people will talk about how they are given the opportunity to review the life they have lived, but there is no judgment coming from God, just love. In fact, most experiences I've read about indicate that any judgment is coming from the person who has "died," not God. And many people come back from these experiences trying to describe an indescribable love that is beyond anything they've known in mortality. Many of these people are left feeling that love is the most important lesson one can learn in mortality.

I also believe how we love or judge others in this life will have an effect on where we will end up in the next. But I also believe that where we ultimately end up is where we will be happiest or most at ease, and that, to me, is proof of a very loving Heavenly Father. God doesn't consign us to a lower kingdom because He doesn't love us; it's because He knows that the purity of His love would overwhelm our impure spirits. It's because He loves us that He puts us where we will thrive and grow and progress the most.

I love and believe in my Heavenly Father. I know he loves each and every one of us with an absolute perfect knowledge of who we are and what we have been through. I truly wish I could convey that love to others. Words are not enough. A person's spirit must feel it to know it. It is my hope that those of you who don't feel it or haven't felt it, will. Because He is real and His love is real.

Death

2011-08-02T15:48:00.000-07:00

I think I've mentioned this before, but I don't have any problems with the topic of death. Some people are bothered by it or afraid of it or afraid of talking about it, but I am not one of them. While I miss my loved ones when they pass on, I feel very confident that I will see them again.

I actually enjoy going to funerals. I may not enjoy the reason I'm going, but I love hearing people reflect on a person's life and sharing stories and experiences involving that person, and generally a funeral celebrates a person's life and brings out the very best that person had to offer in his or her life, and I like that.

I am not afraid to die. I do not feel any reason to fear. Death is just a part of life, and a temporary one at that. We're all going to die someday. Tomorrow. A month from now. A year from now. 10 years from now. 40 years from now. It's going to happen eventually. None of us can escape it or outrun it, so why spend any energy or fear trying?

Even if heaven doesn't exist (which I very much believe it does), well then, we're just gone, so why fear that, either?

I think no matter what we've done in life, the afterlife will very much be a place filled with love and knowledge and goodness. Dallin H. Oaks once said, "The good people of the world will not be disappointed by the terrestrial kingdom. The bad people of the world will be utterly astonished to do as well as the telestial kingdom, for despite all of its relative drawbacks, it is a kingdom of glory reserved by a Father in Heaven who loves his children and ‘saves all the works of his hands." I feel good about my life. I have few regrets or unfinished business. I feel like I have done my best to live a good life, and I feel confident that wherever I end up in the afterlife, I will be happy. So what is there to fear about that?

I am not uncomfortable talking about death or talking about preparations that might make death easier for those one leaves behind. The other day my mom and I were going over some paperwork her lawyer had prepared for her involving power-of-attorney issues, health directive issues, and her last will and testament. As is usually the case, Mom finds it all very uncomfortable and depressing to talk about, and I have a hard time comprehending why. It was the same type of thing when she and I went to get her burial arrangements done. She just doesn't like talking about, and so sometimes it's difficult to get much input on what her last wishes might be.

My sister-in-law came over while Mom and I were going over her papers. Like me, my sister-in-law has no problem talking about death or dying, and she and I started talking about these issues. Mom finally said, "This is the most depressing conversation," and both my sister-in-law and I were genuinely confused about why people feel that way.

I'm a very pragmatic, practical person. I want Jonah to know exactly what my burial wishes or health issues are. My sister-in-law and I both agreed that we don't want to be kept alive just for the sake of family members who aren't ready to let us go? Why should they be so afraid to let us go? It's only temporary as far as I am concerned, and keeping us around in a vegetative state isn't going to do either of us any good.

Mom wants to be kept alive as long as possible. That's certainly her choice, but I have a hard time understanding it, although I will respect and abide by it if that's what she wishes. If one is suffering, for example, why does one want to remain in that state if one doesn't have to? And isn't that just making it harder on those who have to watch you suffer? On the flip side, I also don't understand those who can't let their loved ones go, even if they subconsciously know it would be for the best.

My sister-in-law and I talked about how cremation is a viable option for us. For me, I like the idea of cremation because it's more economical and environmentally friendly, and the romantic in me likes the idea of scattering my ashes somewhere cool. And if one believes in resurrection (which I do), then putting us back together should be a breeze for a perfect and all-knowing Heavenly Father.

Jonah does not like the idea of cremation. He wants somewhere where he can go to properly mourn me. I told him if he feels that way, he can put my ashes in an urn on our fireplace mantle and mourn me every day if he likes. But the fact is, I'm not actually in that urn. I'm not in that hole in the ground. My mortal remains might be, but the essence of who I am is not, so why should it make a difference where or how my body is buried or disposed of? Just as Jonah says that God is not confined within the walls of any church, my spirit is not confined to my mortal remains, so it shouldn't make a difference. And why mourn me? I'm not gone forever. It's just a brief time in the cosmos away from one another.

I get why we mourn people's passing. We love them, and when they leave us, it does leave a hole in our lives. But it shouldn't be a surprise that it does happen and will happen to everyone, nor should we let it prevent us from living the best lives we can while we still have them in mortality.

When my grandfather died, for example, my grandmother stopped living for a while. Oh, her body was present, but she chose to live in gloom and melancholy for years, and it wasn't until my cousin was born (when new life entered her life) that she was finally able to live life more fully again. I understand she loved my grandfather very much and felt lost without him, but I also think of the many years she wallowed in self-pity and sorrow and wonder if she was really honoring his life by refusing to let go of his death. Was she doing him or herself any favors by refusing to move on.

My father died while I was on my mission. I did not go to the funeral. I was far away in Europe doing work which I felt was important, and which I know my father felt was important. Some people I've encountered are surprised I didn't go to the funeral and say that it must have been hard not to be able to attend. I hope it doesn't sound cold or callous, but, no, it really wasn't. I loved my father very much, and while it would have been nice to attend, the fact is my father was not in that casket. Yes, his body was, but he wasn't. I think I honored his life more by doing something he felt was important and honored the lives of those I was serving by continuing to help the living than I would have been able to do by attending his funeral. He knew I loved him. I knew I loved him. And really, what more could I have done there by actually being physically present that I wasn't already doing by honoring the memory of his spirit?

I am convinced, too, that I felt my father's presence while in church the week after he died. I felt his hand on my shoulder as strongly as I had felt it when he was still alive in mortality. My dad was as much with me as he ever was in mortality.

The fact is that people sometimes have this idea that heaven or the afterlife are somehow far, distant, unattainable places. I believe the spirits of those who have past on are right here with us, and I believe, too, that when we are really in tune, we can feel them and, yes, even sometimes see them.

I think of how great it will be to be reunited with those that have passed on or to meet those we never knew in mortality. What a great thing that will be! And what wonderful things we will learn and feel on the other side. I truly believe that.

I do hope when I die, it will be quick. While I am not afraid to die, I do not find the prospect of a slow, dragged-out death filled with a lot of suffering too appealing. Whatever the Lord has in store for me, I'll have to take; but I would much rather fall asleep one night and just die in my sleep or die instantly in a car crash than lie in a hospital bed drowning in my own fluids for months and months on end while my family watches me slowly waste away.

But I don't suppose the majority of us don't get to choose how we die. As for me, right now I feel like I have so much to live for, so I'm not eager to die any time soon, but when it is time, I don't believe I will fear it, and I hope it's quick.

If you were uncomfortable reading this topic, my apologies, but I see no reason to be, either.

Those Godless Gays

2011-07-26T21:50:00.000-07:00

I read a comment to a story about the gay marriages in New York in the online edition of The Deseret News. It said:

New York now rejects the moral definitions of its Judeo-Christian founders. It has defined same-sex marriage -- once the very epitome of being immoral -- as being moral. The godless among us are winning the battle of claiming that there is no such thing as a moral code, because they believe a moral code is the province of what they call, "weak minded religious people."

May the rest of the country wake up and more vigorously defend marriage as between a man and a woman, thus preserving traditional definitions of morality, before immorality is taught as morality to our children in schools.

I'm always bothered when people like this individual refer to those who support gay rights as being "godless." It's the same feeling I feel when those who believe in God accuse atheists as having no morals simply because they don't believe in God. I just don't get it.

Even if you believe homosexuality or gay marriage is wrong and that it goes against what God commands, isn't the term "godless" laying it on a bit thick? I mean if "godless" in this case means anybody who promotes or teaches or lives in a way that is contrary to what God teaches or commands, then aren't all of us "godless?" There's not one person on this earth who doesn't sin or do things that are contrary to what God has commanded them to do. If there were, why would we even need Jesus or his atonement? Plus, even if a person sins by this individual's definition, does that mean they are without God? Does that mean they have abandoned God or that God has abandoned them? Frankly, I can't imagine God abandoning anybody - at least not the God I know - so I hardly believe anyone is without God, even if they think they are.

Does this individual believe, then, that all people who support gay rights or who are gay don't believe in God? Well, that isn't true, either. I know many of us who do. I can assure you, I do not consider myself godless nor does my partner. I know many gay people and supporters of gay people who are very much worshipful of a god, whoever they deem that god to be. Many of us are living our lives trying to be the best people God has created us to be.

"Godless" is such a loaded term, and I find it very ignorant. I feel much the same way about gay-rights supporters calling anyone who disagrees with them "hateful." I do not feel everything is so black and white.

Think me immoral if you like (although I don't feel I am that, either), but please don't call me "godless."

Another comment I read in a Salt Lake Tribune article referred to two friends of mine who were among those who recently legalized their union in New York. The commenter called their union "disgusting" and "wrong." This couple has been in a committed, monogamous, loving relationship for 16 years (longer than some of the heterosexual couples I've known in my life). I know others who have shared their lives for far longer. Please explain to me what is so "wrong" and "disgusting" about that.

I don't know what opponents think is going to happen if gay people start getting married. Heck, it's been happening in Massachusetts for some time now, and the sky has not fallen. How is the union of two loving and committed people causing our world to go morally bankrupt? Please don't accuse me of indoctrinating your kids and recruiting them to be gay because that isn't how it works, folks. If your kid is gay, he or she is already gay. He or she doesn't need my help. Nobody recruited me, and I sure as heck am not getting a free toaster oven if I try to recruit you. I can no more make anyone out there gay than they can make me straight. I tried many a time to make myself straight, and I assure you, I'm just gay. That's just who I am.

And please don't tell me that if the gays start getting married, pretty soon people will be marrying their children or cats or refrigerators. It's about two consenting adults who love and are committed to each other and simply want the same ten thousand rights heterosexual people automatically get when they marry one another. Don't tell me we can have those rights just a freely and easily because we can't. Do you know the legal costs involved in some states? My friend (who has been with his partner for 20 years) paid $22,000 to get some of the same rights married heterosexuals get for free. Where's the equality in that?

I never asked to be gay and spent many years trying not to be. But I am. It's not going away, and I've reached a point in my life where I'm quite happy to be who I am. I feel God loves Jonah and me very much and blesses us each day. No "godlessness" over here, I promise you.

I know people out there think homosexuality is a sin and draws one away from God. I disagree with them, but if they want to think that, I suppose that is their prerogative. All I would say to them is if they really got to know some gay people on a personal level, they might see us in a different light, and even if they still disagreed with us, they might at least realize that it is not their place to judge us, but God's. As for me, I'm quite at peace in my relationship with my Father in Heaven.

My Laugh For The Day

2011-07-24T16:35:00.000-07:00

Today before Sunday School officially started, the instructor asked if any of us had any good news to share. I guess he's had some depressing things happen to him this week and wanted those of us having good things happen in our lives to share them to serve as a sort of pick-me-up for him.

No lie, the very first thought that rushed in to my head was how great I think it is that gay people are finally being able to legally wed in New York. If that's not great news, I don't know what is.

I chuckled to myself as I thought how funny the reactions would be if I were to say such a thing in Sunday School. I actually don't think the instructor would have minded, but I'm sure there would have been some shocked faces in the crowd. It actually kind of gave me the giggles.

The next thought that ran through my head (again no lie) was how grateful I am that that stupid "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" law will be history soon.

These were the things I was feeling thankful for today, and in my mind, they are two pieces of very good news. Of course, I remained silent like a good excommunicated member, but the image of my sharing those two pieces of good news with my fellow Sunday Schoolers tickled me so.

The lesson, by the way, was on witnesses and was pretty good. I genuinely like this instructor's lessons, although I didn't feel the congregants were participating as much as usual.

Sacrament Meeting was on gratitude, and the two speakers (my former bishop and his wife) were excellent.

Having It All

2011-07-22T15:58:00.000-07:00

I miss Jonah so very much. I've been down the last couple of days. I don't get down that often, but this month has been harder than usual. I wrote recently of feeling down because of feeling stuck in my acting. Rereading that post, I realize how ungrateful I must have seemed writing it.

I am so blessed and lucky to actually do what I enjoy doing for a living. How proud it made me to attend my high school reunion 2 years ago and actually say that I was making a successful living doing what I always said I would do. How fortunate I feel to go to work and act and perform instead of waiting tables or sitting in a cubicle all day. I have little right to complain.

The other day, my future nephew-in-law asked me how many shows I've acted in, and as I went through and tried to remember all the shows I've done, I figured my current show is my 97th (unless I missed some, which is entirely likely). That means I've done nearly (or have actually done) 100 shows, professionally and non-professionally.

I've dreamed of being an actor since my first show in the third grade. My mom continually recounts a story about how I came home from elementary school and announced that I was going to be an actor and never deviated from that goal (although there were very, very brief periods when I considered becoming a lawyer, a psychologist, or a history teacher (but none of those lasted).

I remember returning from my mission and wondering if I could maintain my values and still make a living in the theatre. It's the only time I ever seriously considered abandoning my career goals, and it frightened me immensely to consider giving up the thing I felt most passionate about.

I remember praying about it and getting the very distinct prompting that this was what I should continue doing with my life, and it made me feel good that perhaps God actually approved of my career choice. Happily, it is a decision I have never regretted.

I've had the chance to play some great roles in some great shows, and, yes, I have also taken roles just for the paycheck. The ones I feel passionate or moved by are the most worthwhile, however.

My only regret is that I have not been able to have my career and be with Jonah in our home at the same time. This has been hard because my career has been quite successful during the time I've been with Jonah, and I, unfortunately, have spent more time away from him than with him since we had our commitment ceremony, and this has been due to my career.

I said in the aforementioned post that I was almost hoping not to get cast in The Tempest because I miss my husband so much. I've also been given an opportunity to audition for a play that I think I'd really enjoy doing, but I am foregoing it because I want to spend some time with Jonah, and if I were to get cast, I would have no break at all in which to see him, and it would be unlikely that we would spend more than a couple of days together between now and the end of December, and we've already been apart since April (aside from a couple of days here and there). It just isn't enough.

The cast for The Tempest still hasn't been announced, so there's still a chance I could be cast, and there is a good chance I could be cast in the show immediately after that, which is a musical, so aside from a week or two, I could end up being away from Jonah for a while, which is not at all appealing to me.

I have another opportunity to audition for another show, a contemporary comedy-drama, which is kind of what I am in the mood to do. I'm kind of burned out on musicals, and just want to play a lead in a contemporary straight play, so it's an exciting opportunity. It would also give me more time with Jonah. The downside is it doesn't pay as well as I would get doing The Tempest and the musical, and especially if Jonah and I are possibly buying another property, it would be good to earn more money.

The trouble with earning money and maintaining my career is that it keeps me away from the guy I love; the guy I miss. Ultimately, that isn't healthy, either. We've made it work for a long time, and we have both been supportive of each other's career, which have forced us to be separated; but I think we're both getting tired of it. Jonah certainly doesn't expect me to give up my career, but we both agree that maybe a small break from it is due. Jonah, although tired of his job, makes much better money than I do, so we think, for the time being, that it would be foolish of him to give up his job, although he probably will do in so in a year or so.

I love acting so much. But I love Jonah so much, too. I wish there was a way to have both at the same time, but I do not have as good of a theatre network in the city where we live than I do here in Utah, and furthermore, the kinds of theatre opportunities I look for do not seem to be available to me there.

Relationships are about sacrifice, and I think I may have to take a break from my career to be with Jonah for a bit, and that's both hard and good. On the other hand, while I'm home with Jonah, I hope I can at least find work I enjoy doing. I don't exactly want to work at Walmart or wait tables at the Cheesecake Factory.

I guess we'll see what happens. Why can't one have it all at the same time?

Amazing, Spiderman!

2011-07-15T23:43:00.000-07:00

I opened my mailbox today to find this:

Me likey! Me likey a lot!

Not only nice eye candy, but a great actor. I've really admired his work since I saw him in Boy A. And I like the character of Spiderman, so I look forward to seeing this. Hope it's good.