The following is a quote from Beck's blog that I found very comforting. I am highlighting a different part than he did though.
"We all occupy diversified stations in the world, and in the kingdom of God. Those who do right, and seek the glory of the Father in heaven, whether their knowledge be little or much, or whether they can do little or much, if they do the very best they know how, they are perfect... "Be ye as perfect as you can," for that is all we can do, though it is written, "Be ye perfect as your father who is in heaven is perfect." To be as perfect as we possibly can, according to our knowledge, is to be just as perfect as our Father in heaven is. He cannot be any more perfect than he knows how, any more than we. When we are doing as well as we know how, in the sphere and station which we occupy here, we are justified."-- Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses 2:129-130.
I am doing as well as I know how, and in that I find comfort. I tell you, I never realized how uptight and stressed I was before I came out. I feel so happy lately. So at peace. I'm not saying it's the right choice for everyone, and I admire very much those of you who are trying to stay true to your covenants; but it's turned out to be the right choice for me. I feel very good about where I am.
Laramie closes tomorrow. It's been a wonderful experience in many ways, but I am looking forward to having some free time (and some "Jonah time") this next month.
My niece is getting baptized nest week. I'm flying home to Utah to attend. Only my mom knows I'm coming. Everybody else thinks I can't come. I think it will be a fun surprise. My only regret is I probably won't be able to assist in her confirmation. I guess that's part of the consequences. Still, I'm very eager to see my family again. I have missed them.
These are the players in my life, all sharing the same stage.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Monday, September 25, 2006
I'm So Tired
Nothing profound to say or anything necessarily new to report. Just want you all to know that I'm still alive and around (not that there are necessarily that many people who even read my blog (but those that do, I'm alive and well!)).
School is so incredibly busy right now, and I have been really tired lately. I feel like all I do lately is school and trying to catch a nap here and there. I barely have time to breathe. Still, I love school, and, of course, I did expect my final year to be very busy. I'm hoping once The Laramie Project closes next week, life will be a little more calm.
Speaking of which, we opened the show this past Friday, and I'm very happy with the final product. I think we have a good cast and a good show, and audiences seem to be responding well to it. I don't think it's necessarily the best written show in the world, but it's been a very good and positive experience in many ways and even spiritual on many levels. I also think it no coincidence that I happen to be doing this particular show at this particular stage in my life. It's also been fun character work and delightful to work with some actors I don't often get the chance to work with.
My mom and sister came to see it opening night and Jonah sat between them. I find it very nice that my family and Jonah seem to be hitting it off well. And for them to be seeing a play together that discusses some of my own issues is particularly interesting to me. Mom and my sister liked the show, so that's nice.
As for me and Jonah, we are doing well. We still don't get to see each other as often as we would necessarily like, but we communicate often and are doing the best we can under the circumstances. I am hoping once Laramie closes, we will be able to spend at least a little more time together before my next show starts rehearsing in November.
I've told some more people about Jonah and me, and I have just been so impressed with how well people have reacted and responded. Everyone thus far has been really supportive and understanding and, in most cases, very happy about it. I told one friend who I didn't know how she would respond, and she started crying because she was so overjoyed about it. Another friend who is Mormon (who I also didn't know for sure how he would respond) made it perfectly clear that he was very happy for me and that this new revelation wouldn't have any impact on our friendship.
There's always been a part of me who thought (not really, but I'm trying to make a point) that my world would somehow implode once I came out. Just the reverse is happening. I'm becoming a new person, I feel happier, people are happy for me, and life is going on just as it always has.
Still, I know eventually I will tell someone I care about who will not handle it so well, but as I've already discussed with many friends, at the end of the day that's their problem, not mine. Still, I imagine it will be painful. I'm just glad it hasn't happened yet.
As part of one of my courses, I had to teach my peers a method we've been learning the past two years. I was nervous when I first heard we had to do it because I've never felt terribly confident about my own expertise with this particular technique. However, I wasn't nervous at all today, and I thought I taught it very well. My instructor and peers all had very good things to say.
My schooling has brought so much growth to me in so many ways. I feel so blessed lately. Anyway, that being said, I am exhausted, so I'm off to bed now.
School is so incredibly busy right now, and I have been really tired lately. I feel like all I do lately is school and trying to catch a nap here and there. I barely have time to breathe. Still, I love school, and, of course, I did expect my final year to be very busy. I'm hoping once The Laramie Project closes next week, life will be a little more calm.
Speaking of which, we opened the show this past Friday, and I'm very happy with the final product. I think we have a good cast and a good show, and audiences seem to be responding well to it. I don't think it's necessarily the best written show in the world, but it's been a very good and positive experience in many ways and even spiritual on many levels. I also think it no coincidence that I happen to be doing this particular show at this particular stage in my life. It's also been fun character work and delightful to work with some actors I don't often get the chance to work with.
My mom and sister came to see it opening night and Jonah sat between them. I find it very nice that my family and Jonah seem to be hitting it off well. And for them to be seeing a play together that discusses some of my own issues is particularly interesting to me. Mom and my sister liked the show, so that's nice.
As for me and Jonah, we are doing well. We still don't get to see each other as often as we would necessarily like, but we communicate often and are doing the best we can under the circumstances. I am hoping once Laramie closes, we will be able to spend at least a little more time together before my next show starts rehearsing in November.
I've told some more people about Jonah and me, and I have just been so impressed with how well people have reacted and responded. Everyone thus far has been really supportive and understanding and, in most cases, very happy about it. I told one friend who I didn't know how she would respond, and she started crying because she was so overjoyed about it. Another friend who is Mormon (who I also didn't know for sure how he would respond) made it perfectly clear that he was very happy for me and that this new revelation wouldn't have any impact on our friendship.
There's always been a part of me who thought (not really, but I'm trying to make a point) that my world would somehow implode once I came out. Just the reverse is happening. I'm becoming a new person, I feel happier, people are happy for me, and life is going on just as it always has.
Still, I know eventually I will tell someone I care about who will not handle it so well, but as I've already discussed with many friends, at the end of the day that's their problem, not mine. Still, I imagine it will be painful. I'm just glad it hasn't happened yet.
As part of one of my courses, I had to teach my peers a method we've been learning the past two years. I was nervous when I first heard we had to do it because I've never felt terribly confident about my own expertise with this particular technique. However, I wasn't nervous at all today, and I thought I taught it very well. My instructor and peers all had very good things to say.
My schooling has brought so much growth to me in so many ways. I feel so blessed lately. Anyway, that being said, I am exhausted, so I'm off to bed now.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
So Much Happiness
Jonah and I haven't been able to spend as much time together as we would like due to our opposite schedules, and so I've really grown to cherish the times we are together. Today he came over for lunch and at one point we were standing in my kitchen just holding one another, and I just started to get all teary-eyed and misty because I just felt so happy to have him as my boyfriend. This relationship just makes me so happy. No, it isn't without its difficulties and trials (as it is with all relationships), but I just love him so much. I feel so happy with who I am and how my life has changed in the last two years. And, yes, there are still things I am concerned about, but the happiness just really seems to outweigh the other stuff.
We open The Laramie Project a week from yesterday. I think it will be a good production. It's a challenge to go where we need to go emotionally to tell Matthew Shepard's story, and some nights I'm not in the mood to do it, but I guess that's just part of being an actor. I love doing drama, and this show has a lot of great stuff going for it, and I enjoy the people I'm working with, but I will be ready to move on to my next show, a comedy, when this one is over.
We open The Laramie Project a week from yesterday. I think it will be a good production. It's a challenge to go where we need to go emotionally to tell Matthew Shepard's story, and some nights I'm not in the mood to do it, but I guess that's just part of being an actor. I love doing drama, and this show has a lot of great stuff going for it, and I enjoy the people I'm working with, but I will be ready to move on to my next show, a comedy, when this one is over.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Possibilities
Every time I hear the following song on the radio lately, I really feel it's describing my own life's current journey in a lot of ways. It actually reminds me of a phrase in my patriarchal blessing. Lately I've just felt that there is a world of possibilities ahead. I think this song typifies that:
"Unwritten"
Natasha Bedingfield
I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, oh, oh
I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines (yeh yeh)
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way
Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, yeah, yeah
Today I saw the movie Little Miss Sunshine with Jonah today. When I originally saw the trailer for it, I didn't think I would like it, but I really thought it was a great movie with a good message. I guess there were many things that could be gleaned from the film, but some things I got from it is that winners are people who try their best, regardless of whether they win the race or not. Another thing I got was that we're all imperfect people just trying our best to get through life and sticking together is important. But one thing that really resonated with me was that sometimes I think people have such a limited view of life and people. There are so many people out there who live lives very different from the ones that you or I live and sometimes because of our upbringings, we come to the mistaken conclusion that our way of life is the only right way to live a life. I'm not talking about Mormonism specifically. I'm saying that each person, no matter who he or she is in the world, often grow up with a limited view of other people's lives and circumstances, and we judge based on those perceptions. There's a whole world out there to discover. There's so many people to know and understand.
One of the things I was taught on my mission was a method called the commitment pattern, which was a tool used to meet and teach people. One of the precepts of that method was building relationships of trust with people and finding common ground. It occurred to me both then and now that it was hard to build relationships of trust with people if you approached them with a self-serving or all-knowing attitude.
I guess what I'm trying to say is when I saw this movie today it struck me that we miss out on some very interesting people because we don't make a move to know or understand them because we fear them or judge them, and I think that's sad because I think all people basically have the same needs and wants. I think we have far more in common with each other than we have differences. I'm not always successful, but I really try to look at things from other people's points-of-view. I try to put myself in another's shoes, especially when I am having difficulty knowing or understanding them. There are people I have met in my life that I have had a hard time getting inside of, and I wonder what I'm missing and what treasures I might discover if I put more love and less judgment into my efforts.
Last thought: I'm currently rehearsing The Laramie Project, which I think is rather ironic (though not coincidental) considering what I'm dealing with in my own life. I don't necessarily think it's the best written play ever, but I do think it has something to say. Of course, I think what happened to Matthew Shepard was inexcusable and tragic, but I'd also be lying if I didn't admit that there have been times in my life when I was bothered by the fact that he's often regarded as a martyr and a saint by some. I think Matthew Shepard, like all of us, was a flawed human being. He wasn't perfect and he made mistakes just like the rest of us. I guess I eventually came to realize that it's what his tragic death represents that has put him on such a high pedestal. I mean, it's not as though Matthew asked to be revered or anything. But my point is that as I was doing some research for my roles, I stumbled across the website that is maintained by his mother, and as it really hit me in my heart that these two parents lost their child to such a senseless crime, I actually started to cry. What we have been rehearsing the last week really came clear to me, and I started to see these characters as the real human beings they are.
I feel like I'm babbling and that what I'm really trying to say isn't coming out. I guess it goes back to a previous post I made, which boiled down basically to "less judging, more loving."
"Unwritten"
Natasha Bedingfield
I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, oh, oh
I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines (yeh yeh)
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way
Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, yeah, yeah
Today I saw the movie Little Miss Sunshine with Jonah today. When I originally saw the trailer for it, I didn't think I would like it, but I really thought it was a great movie with a good message. I guess there were many things that could be gleaned from the film, but some things I got from it is that winners are people who try their best, regardless of whether they win the race or not. Another thing I got was that we're all imperfect people just trying our best to get through life and sticking together is important. But one thing that really resonated with me was that sometimes I think people have such a limited view of life and people. There are so many people out there who live lives very different from the ones that you or I live and sometimes because of our upbringings, we come to the mistaken conclusion that our way of life is the only right way to live a life. I'm not talking about Mormonism specifically. I'm saying that each person, no matter who he or she is in the world, often grow up with a limited view of other people's lives and circumstances, and we judge based on those perceptions. There's a whole world out there to discover. There's so many people to know and understand.
One of the things I was taught on my mission was a method called the commitment pattern, which was a tool used to meet and teach people. One of the precepts of that method was building relationships of trust with people and finding common ground. It occurred to me both then and now that it was hard to build relationships of trust with people if you approached them with a self-serving or all-knowing attitude.
I guess what I'm trying to say is when I saw this movie today it struck me that we miss out on some very interesting people because we don't make a move to know or understand them because we fear them or judge them, and I think that's sad because I think all people basically have the same needs and wants. I think we have far more in common with each other than we have differences. I'm not always successful, but I really try to look at things from other people's points-of-view. I try to put myself in another's shoes, especially when I am having difficulty knowing or understanding them. There are people I have met in my life that I have had a hard time getting inside of, and I wonder what I'm missing and what treasures I might discover if I put more love and less judgment into my efforts.
Last thought: I'm currently rehearsing The Laramie Project, which I think is rather ironic (though not coincidental) considering what I'm dealing with in my own life. I don't necessarily think it's the best written play ever, but I do think it has something to say. Of course, I think what happened to Matthew Shepard was inexcusable and tragic, but I'd also be lying if I didn't admit that there have been times in my life when I was bothered by the fact that he's often regarded as a martyr and a saint by some. I think Matthew Shepard, like all of us, was a flawed human being. He wasn't perfect and he made mistakes just like the rest of us. I guess I eventually came to realize that it's what his tragic death represents that has put him on such a high pedestal. I mean, it's not as though Matthew asked to be revered or anything. But my point is that as I was doing some research for my roles, I stumbled across the website that is maintained by his mother, and as it really hit me in my heart that these two parents lost their child to such a senseless crime, I actually started to cry. What we have been rehearsing the last week really came clear to me, and I started to see these characters as the real human beings they are.
I feel like I'm babbling and that what I'm really trying to say isn't coming out. I guess it goes back to a previous post I made, which boiled down basically to "less judging, more loving."
Friday, September 01, 2006
I Love, Loved This Quote
David said,
"I just feel that over the last four years I've learned to relax a bit and enjoy life in a way that I never allowed myself before. I've experienced parts of myself that I didn't even know were there. I was so preoccupied with everything I thought was wrong with me I never stopped to look at what was right with me. I was trying to be perfect when I should have been trying to be myself. I was so worried about whether or not people would like me and accept me for who I was pretending to be while at the same time longing to feel that I would be accepted for who I truly was. ...I've learned that if people don't accept you for who you are, or you feel like you have to live a lie when you are around them, then you need to move past those people.
"I finally feel like I can be authentic. I owe that to my own inner progress as well as to my family and many of my friends. I have friends, gay and straight, that have accepted me as I am while encouraging me to be better. Not their definition of better, but mine, and that is one of the most affirming things anyone could do for me."
I understand whereof he speaks.
"I just feel that over the last four years I've learned to relax a bit and enjoy life in a way that I never allowed myself before. I've experienced parts of myself that I didn't even know were there. I was so preoccupied with everything I thought was wrong with me I never stopped to look at what was right with me. I was trying to be perfect when I should have been trying to be myself. I was so worried about whether or not people would like me and accept me for who I was pretending to be while at the same time longing to feel that I would be accepted for who I truly was. ...I've learned that if people don't accept you for who you are, or you feel like you have to live a lie when you are around them, then you need to move past those people.
"I finally feel like I can be authentic. I owe that to my own inner progress as well as to my family and many of my friends. I have friends, gay and straight, that have accepted me as I am while encouraging me to be better. Not their definition of better, but mine, and that is one of the most affirming things anyone could do for me."
I understand whereof he speaks.
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