Disturbing Dream

I very rarely have nightmares or unpleasant dreams, but last night's was kind of disturbing.  I dreamed I was meeting this professor and to get there I was directed to take a road which was along side an ocean.  As I took the road in my silver Honda Accord the road went from pavement to dirt and eventually it became hard to tell where the road even was as it was covered with shrubbery and water.  Because the ocean was level with the road, they became hard to differentiate.  I crossed what I thought was a puddle, but it was the ocean itself, and my car was swept away and began to sink.

Suddenly, my perspective changed.  I was on a bridge above the sinking car, but I knew I was still in the car.  I watched as the rear end of my silver Honda (with me inside) disappeared under the water.  The me on the bridge tried to call the me in the car, but I didn't answer.  I then knew that I must have drowned and died, and all I could think of was, "How will Jonah be able to survive without me?" and I just felt so concerned about him.

Anyway, it was a strange dream, but my death felt very real even though I seemed to witness it from an outside perspective.  Anyway, it seemed worth recording.

Tribute To Harold

Jonah had a dream about a week or so ago.  In it, Mom paid him a visit.  She was very childlike, much like she was in her dementia days.  She was holding a white book and she was in a blue room.  Those were the main details Jonah remembers and one other big one: she was coming for someone.

I've learned that Jonah's dreams are not to be ignored.  He's very intuitive and almost psychic, and he has had many dreams that have been precursors to major events.  Two days before his dad died Jonah had a dream that his grandfather came to visit, and he was troubled by the dream because he thought it might be an indication that his dad would pass soon, which he did.

Once skeptical, I've learned to take Jonah's dreams and feelings seriously because he's usually 99% right about the intuitions he's having.

We wondered who Mom might be coming for.  My uncle (Dad's brother) was recently re-diagnosed with cancer.  My great-aunt and great-uncle are both in their late 90s.  I wondered who Mom might be coming for.

Two days ago my sister called my tears telling me that the daughter-in-law of Harold (Mom's pseudo-"boyfriend" from her days in assisted living) had called to let her know that Harold was in hospice care.

My sister wasn't necessarily crying over Harold.  It sounded like she had just had a really difficult and painful couple of weeks overall.  In fact, both my sister and I found much to rejoice in.  Harold, after all, hadn't looked well at all the last time we saw him in January.  He was very depressed and lonely and while I'm sure he never would have acted on it, he even seemed suicidal.  His body and spirit were broken.  It was hard to see him like that.

It gives me great comfort knowing he will be with his late wife soon and that he will get to see Mom again and meet Dad as well.  It makes me happy that he will be free of his suffering.

But it also brought up old feelings (or rather, lingering feelings) of when Mom died, and that has been hard.  I also regret that since I saw Harold in January I never spoke to him again.  I was pretty good about calling him and even attempted to several times, but was never able to get a hold of him.  Still, I know Harold knows how I felt about him, and that must be enough.

A friend of mine at work gave me a good perspective as we talked about how I was feeling.  She said, "It was great that this man was able to help your mom make the transition into assisted living and make her feel good about being there after so much time of not wanting to be there.  I believe your mom is now helping Harold make the transition from his life here, which has become very sad, to his life on the other side, which will be one of happiness."  I liked that.

I will miss you, Harold, and I will be forever grateful for all you did for my Mom and for the special friendship you had.  I'll miss talking to you and sharing stories about Mom.  I'll miss visiting you at the assisted living facility (now I really have no reason to go back there).  I'm glad I got to see you one last time before you leave us.  I'm glad you and Mom were away from each other for only a half a year, and I'm glad you'll get to be reunited again (but don't forget, she's with Dad now).  I love you, my friend.

Of Dreams And Dementia

I had an odd dream yesterday morning.  I was outside my childhood home, the one we just sold a few months ago.  The lawn was not well kept and the garbage cans were out for collection, but not in the place where my family normally put them.

Taped to one of the garbage cans was a note from our nosy neighbors telling the people that now lived in Mom's old house that they needed to do a better job maintaining their yard.  I tore the note off the can because I was angry because this is the sort of thing my neighbor might have done when we lived there, and I always found his obtrusiveness annoying.

Just as I tore the note off the can, the current owner of the house came out.  I've never met him in a real life, so I don't know what he really looks like, but in my dream he was kind of stocky.  Not wanting him to think I had taken something from his property, I handed him the note and told him I had found it nearby and it must be his.  I also extended my hand and told him who I was and that I used to live there.  He shook my hand reluctantly, as if he thought I was some kind of stalker.  Not wanting to bother him further, I said goodbye and headed next door to our former neighbors house.

I knocked on their door and could hear my sister-in-law laughing inside, but no one answered.  At this moment a phone call from my brother woke me up from my dream.

It was about 6:00 a.m. so I knew it must be an emergency of some sort.  My brother rarely calls me and he doesn't call me that early.  I knew it was probably about Mom.

Sure enough, Mom had been taken to the hospital after one of the caregivers at the assisted living facility found her on the floor on her knees in a crouched position resting on her elbows.  She was sweating profusely, was very disoriented, and had wet herself.  Mom had last been checked at 4:00 am and was fine.  They check the residents every two hours.  Some time between 4 and 6 a.m. Mom had fallen, probably on her way to the bathroom.

Her blood sugar was through the roof.  At the hospital it was determined that she had a skin infection, which may explain the rise in blood sugar and was also diagnosed with rhabdomyolysis, a breakdown of muscle tissue that can get in the blood stream and cause kidney damage.  Mom complained of knee soreness (presumably from her fall).

Anyway, she's still in the hospital, but her prognosis is good and she is expected to be released to the assisted living facility in a couple of days.

I must confess that my first thought (before I knew how serious or not serious her condition was) was "If it's her time to go, I hope she goes and goes quickly."  I had thought it strange that I was just dreaming about her house when I got the call and wondered if it was a sign of some sort.

The truth is that Mom's condition will only continue to deteriorate while she's living, and I am not exactly thrilled to watch that happen.  I am not eager to see the day when she forgets who I am or can no longer control her bowels or feed herself or communicate.  I'd rather remember my mom as happy, functioning, and independent, which she still is, than see her become even more of a shell of her former self.

Whenever it is Mom's time, I feel ready.  I can honestly say that I have no regrets when it comes to Mom.  I have cared for her the best way I know how and I know she knows how much I love her, and I feel the same from her.  I do not feel I could have done any more regarding Mom's care than I have done.  Our last conversation before I received the phone call from my brother was a good one.  She was happy.

I have since talked to her.  She seems a bit out of it, but still seems fairly coherent.  She is eager to go back to her home at the assisted living facility.  It evidently isn't her time right now, and as I have long suspected, she will likely live a while.

I have spoken to Mom every day but three since she went into the assisted living facility in January.  I have watched her go from hating the place she lives to really enjoying it and making friends.

The dream about Mom's house made me remember again how unfair it sometimes seems that Mom's destined path is one of a loss of independence and mental faculties.  I wish she could have lived in her own home on her own terms for the rest of her life.  Obviously that wasn't meant to be, and both she and her children are better off now that she is in the assisted living facility.  We are less stressed and worried, and she is far healthier and seems happier in many ways.  But it is not what I would have wished for her nor is it what she would have wished for herself.  But what is, is, and we have all come to terms with that.  I only know that when it is Mom's time to go, whether it be tomorrow or 15 years from now, I am ready to let her go.  I am ready for her to be free of the shackles that mortality can bring and for her to be reunited with loved ones who have already passed, including my dad.

The other interesting thing about my dream was that I found out that the neighbor next door to Mom, who didn't answer his door in the dream and who also suffered from dementia in real life, had passed away on Friday (but I did not find this out until after I had had the dream).  I am sad for his widow, but I also know his deterioration has been hard on her.  Both of them have lived next to my mom (and dad) as long as my parents lived in that house.  While I don't necessarily feel we had a lot in common with them or their family, they were valued friends and neighbors whom I have know my entire life.  I left a phone message with the wife expressing my condolences.

I thought it interesting that the Lord would take one person suffering from this disease and leave another to continue experiencing it.  Such is the way of life, I suppose.

Anyway, this entry seems a bit rambling to me.  I'm not even sure what my point has been.  Hopefully you who read it will get something out of it.

A Dream Deferred?

I'm somewhat ashamed to admit it, but I used to kind of look down on my theatre friends who"gave up" on their theatrical dreams to pursue other employment.  I used to silently judge them and think how sad it was that they stopped acting or costuming or directing or what-have-you to go into banking or bar-tending or teaching or to be a housewife or whatever.

Some of these friends really could have gone far in their theatrical careers, I feel, and I always thought it unfortunate that those talents were not being shared they way I felt they should have been.  Some probably made the right choice to pursue other careers.  And some still are active in nonprofessional theatrical pursuits, which still made me a little sad because I feel they could have had successful professional careers.

I have had a very successful acting career, and acting has always been a huge part of my life.  However, I feel like some of my regular employment is drying up.  With our selling Mom's house, I can no longer live there when I'm in Utah.  One of the companies for which I most consistently work will not be able to afford to house me; the other will not likely house me either (not to mention that there is a new artistic director, and I feel I am being "phased out" somewhat).

I've also missed Jonah terribly while I've been away from him, and the longer I've been home with him, the more I just want to stay home.

And frankly, at my age (I'm only 42 (well, I will be in 3 days), but I'm not getting any younger), I'm just tired of the instability of my career; I'm tired of constantly hustling for a job; musicals are getting harder to do because my body and voice are not in the shape they once were; and union jobs seem to be getting harder to find.

I've recently been hired as a glorified usher for a theater that is part of a rather large corporation.  While it is an ushering job, there is a bit of acting and improvisation involved as i will be playing a sort of character that gets the audience in the mood for the show. It won't be the same as being on stage, but I'm actually looking forward to it.

I had an orientation meeting on Thursday to learn about company policy and their mission statement and take a tour of the property, etc.  I have to say, I'm actually quite excited.  The job starts out as an on call position, but has the potential to turn into a permanent position by the summer, hopefully.

When I hear about all the benefits that come with the job once it becomes a full-time position, it kinds of excites me.  Some of these benefits I admittedly do already receive because I belong to Actors' Equity, but it will be nice to have a more permanent, stable job that provides similar benefits.  Some of the benefits include really good health insurance, enrollment in a 401(k), life insurance, a paid day off to get a doctor's check up, pension, free counseling if needed, fitness classes, discounts at stores and eating places on the property, educational assistance, one free meal per shift, paid time off and vacation pay, among others.

I like the attitude and philosophies of this particular company (at least in theory; I'll wait until I've actually worked for them for a while to make a final judgment), and thus far, everyone has been extremely welcoming and warm.  It's been a great first impression.

Even though, it's an on-call job, I'm currently going through orientation and training, both of which will be paid for, so that will be nice.  And while maybe it's not the acting job I dream of, I do think it will be a job I enjoy doing, and I'm looking forward to it and am even seriously considering taking a hiatus from full-time acting to perhaps do this job for a while.  I long for something stable, secure, and close to home, and maybe this job will provide that.

I never thought I'd want to take a break from full-time acting, but that's the way I'm feeling right now.  I've had a great run, and if my acting career were to stop right now, I'd feel enormously blessed and fortunate to have done all I've done as an actor.  I don't anticipate that I'm giving up acting forever.  And who knows if I will find this new job satisfying.  Perhaps a year from now I will yearn to be on stage again.  But for now, I think I'm looking forward to this.

Part of me, of course, thinks, "Am I giving up on my dreams?"  I don't really feel like I am.  I just feel like I'm trying to be smart and responsible.  I'm tired of the constant grind of looking for work and losing work.  I'm getting too old for it.

What's interesting is that Jonah is kind of in an opposite place.  After nearly ten years of working as a dresser of actors, Jonah longs to do something more creative and artistic; something that is more in line with what he's always longed to do.  It will be interesting to see where our careers go from here.