Saturday, April 29, 2006


I just wanted all of those of you who are glued to the happenings of my life and who read my blog with great anticipation (yeah, right!) that I have not dropped off the face of the earth. I just haven't had time to write. It's been an enormously busy week. My show just opened and my mom was in town, and it's approaching finals week here at school, so I just don't have time to write (and, really, nothing of great significance to write about).

My show has been very stressful as far as rehearsals go. It's been a fun show to work on, but is very technical (if one thing goes wrong, it's like a domino effect). The other night I forgot to switch on and off some lights, which affects a light cue, and so many things went wrong that night. Our director, who works both on and off-Broadway and all over the country, yelled at us and said we were better than that and that we couldn't let the show get out of our control because of stupid mistakes. He was right, but it was nerve-wracking. And because I am a perfectionist by nature, I felt bad that I had disappointed our director after such a good run the night before. Anyway, it's been a tough show.

However, we opened last night to great enthusiasm and applause, and even though there were mistakes made, I was very pleased. We have a mantra in our show, "The suck stops here," and although we know mistakes happen, we have resolved to do our best to make sure they don't, and if they do, we do what my director suggested in an ananolgy: "If you go through a red light in this play, don't stop. Yeah, you went through the red light and broke the law, but it's already done. Just keep going and don't dwell on it or let it affect the rest of the show."

We had a really nice opening night party last night. I hadn't seen Jonah in nearly a week because of our schedules, so it was great to see him. He'd had a really hard day at work. Things are stressful there. But I think being with each other lightened his mood. He and my mom hung out a bit, too, so that was nice.

People said really nice things about my performance, which really made me feel good. By all accounts I heard, people really seemed to enjoy the show.

Well, I've got some homework to do (which I'm obviously putting off :-) ) and a bunch of stuff to do today. I just wanted you to know that I'm still around and still posting when I can. I've been meaning to add comments to other bloggers' post, but haven't found time to do that either.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Can Life Be Guilt-Free?

Last night Jonah came over and we lay in bed together. It was just really nice to be with him and hold him and cuddle. We also made out for the first time, which was fun and exciting (sometimes too exciting; we had to cool it for a bit). Jonah, ironically, was the one who seemed worried that my roommates would come home and hear us. He wasn't worried for his sake, but for mine because he knows they don't know about us (although they'd have to be complete fools if they didn't suspect, and I know neither of my roommates are fools). One of them did come home, but I think he was in such a rush that he didn't take notice or hear us. But the thing was, I wasn't concerned about it. I didn't care if anyone knew.

So here's the thing: when Jonah and I were together last night and kissing and cuddling and hugging and holding and making out, I didn't feel guilty about it. I even said to him, "This feels so good and right." But after he left and all day today, I've really felt uneasy about it, and I hate that I feel that way. I love this relationship, and there is so much good about it that it bothers me that I feel guilty. And I'm like, "Okay, do I feel guilty because this is wrong and I'm trying to convince myself that it isn't; or do I feel guilty simply because my religious beliefs have so conditioned me that it's wrong that I'm not used to allowing myself to do things previously forbidden; and if that's the case, will it pass over time?" I just wish things didn't have to be so complicated. I wish I could just love the guy I love without all this emotional baggage. Because no matter what, I do feel what I feel. I do feel great love for Jonah, but I also am feeling guilt today, whether it's justified or not. And, you know, I once felt guilty about masturbating and even just lightly kissing Jonah, but I don't feel that way about those things, so maybe it's just a matter of getting used to giving myself permission to do things I've never allowed myself to do.

I just dislike feeling this way, especially because I love Jonah so much. It's not fair that I'm burdened with guilt, especially if its needless. But it also isn't fair, if these feelings are indeed wrong and not to be acted upon, that I feel what I do and seem to have little control over it. I just wish I could have a normal relationship. I'm sure none of you understand what I'm talking about. ;-)

Anyway, maybe it's just a matter of time. I know Jonah is concerned because he doesn't like me to feel angst. But, unfortunately, it happens to be what I'm feeling at this particular moment in time.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

New Perspectives

I had a really nice date with Jonah last night. I just love him so much. I love spending time with him and talking with him and being with him. He really does make me very happy, and he seems to feel the same way about me. I am now comfortable kissing him, and I feel like when we are out together I'm not as self-conscious as I once was about whether people think we are a couple. I know many people in the theatre department where I go to school suspect we are a couple, and I'm fine with that. I see no need to make it everybody's business, but I don't mind that people know or suspect.

What has made me really happy is that I don't feel guilt about our relationship. You know, so long I have been taught that this kind of relationship was wrong that when we initially started kissing or holding hands, it made me uncomfortable because I've been conditioned that it's wrong to express love for another man in that way. But I don't feel that now. And I'm glad. Because I love Jonah, and as I told him last night after we kissed goodbye, he makes me feel all tingly inside, and I haven't felt that way about anybody in years. And it really isn't just a physical thing. I love who he is and how he makes me feel, and I feel good about loving somebody more than I love myself (which is how it was for a long time in my life (family excluded)) and how Jonah's presence in my life makes me want to be a better person.

We actually talk about our relationship in terms of long-term. We've talked about marriage and household duties and finances, etc., and it's weird, but also exciting, to think of ourselves in that way. Jonah's very domestic (likes to cook, iron, etc.) and he said something that made me laugh. He said, "See, I'd make an ideal Mormon wife."

Our families are adjusting as well as they can, I suppose. I don't think anybody's wild about it, but I at least feel some support. I'm just glad my mom likes Jonah. It's good when your mom likes your boyfriend. I'm still not necessarily comfortable talking to her about my relationship with Jonah in intimate terms, but she does realize he's bringing me a lot of happiness, and I think she's happy for me. I think, at heart, she wishes this wasn't my path, but she's adjusting.

I went to church today with the prayer in my heart that nothing that was said today would make me feel guilty about my relationship with Jonah, and that prayer was answered. I pondered whether I was worthy to take the sacrament because I don't know that I've done anything wrong. If Jonah and I were having sex or being overly intimate, that certainly would be cause for me to abstain from taking the sacrament in my church, but we've only kissed a few times, which I haven't felt guilty about. I asked Heavenly Father whether I was worthy or not and just to give me a simple answer of "yes" or "no," and I felt the answer was "yes," it was okay for me to take the sacrament.

It was interesting. My bishop asked me how things were, and I was honestly able to answer that they were good because I feel that way. I feel at peace with my relationship with Jonah, and I certainly feel happy, so things are good. I guess as far as my standing in the church they might not be so good, but I haven't felt weighed down by that thought.

We watched a video in Sunday School about the life of the Savior, and many thoughts ran through my head about how loving and merciful the Lord is. Here was a man who hung out with publicans and sinners, wasn't afraid to touch lepers, healed those who were both physically and spiritually blind, was merciful and loving towards the woman taken in adultery, healed the soldier who was in the act of arresting him, and even said of his perpetrators as he was being crucified, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do." It just reminded me very strongly, that whether or not I am right or wrong about this relationship, my Savior loves me and is merciful and forgiving.

This relationship feels right to me, which is confusing because it doesn't correspond with what I have been taught and believed all my life. And, as I've stated before, I still believe my religion is true, but I believe somehow God has another plan for me and that things are going to be okay. It may not make sense now, but it will. And I feel I can look at my Father and tell him I did my best to live the best life I could.

I think Jonah and I are both good people, and I think we have a lot to offer each other, and I feel we as a union have a lot to offer those around us, and I feel God will take all of that into account. As long as I feel at peace with all this, that's what counts.

I just know I've tried my very best to live my life a certain way most of life, and it just hasn't worked. I gave it my best shot, and that's all I can do. This relationship feels like a blessing and a good thing, and if "wickedness never was happiness," then I don't see how this can be wicked because I feel very happy right now. In some ways I feel more free and less guilty than I did when I was trying to do all the "right" things, and in some ways I feel like I'm getting a new point-of-view about the gospel that I've not had before which is making me appreciate God's love and mercy even more.

Things are still scary and awkward at times because I have lived my life in a certain way for so long, and I'm finally giving myself permission to make other choices, but the benefits right now seem to outweigh anything else.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Out and About

Good day today.

Today in one of my acting classes, my acting teacher (who is gay) was talking about a character one of my fellow students is working on, a very stereotypical queen. In his speech, this gay queen says some very nasty things, and my teacher (who can be quite nasty in his comments himself) was theorizing that one of the reasons gay queens are so bluntly honest is that they spent so many years hiding who they really were before they came out that they are overly truthful afterwards, especially with other gay people. Whether this theory is true or not I don't care to speculate on, but it got me to thinking, "How long do I want to spend my life hiding behind this façade that doesn't really seem to be who I am inside?" Don't get me wrong. I have no regrets that I haven't come out prior to this relatively late age of 35 (well, technically, I did come out very briefly in 1990, but only for a few months and only to a few people). I mean, if I'd come out earlier in life I probably never would have met Jonah, and that would be a tragedy indeed. I'm also very grateful that I've had the life experiences I've had prior to this point in my life now. But, as I've insinuated in previous blog entries, maybe it's time to start a new chapter in my life; a chapter where I allow myself to love who I want to love, where I don't live with so much guilt for having the feelings I have, and where I can really be free to express who I am.

HawaiiDave's most recent post says, in part, "growing older doesn't bother me. I mention it as a wake-up call to struggling gays who keep putting off embracing their homosexuality. The longer you remain in 'struggling' mode, the shorter the time you'll have to enjoy life as a happy, content gay person. The years zip by, believe me. Life will pass you by.

So come out, already! Or at least take the next step, however small."

I mean, I'm 35 already, and time is already going by very quickly. I mean, maybe he has a point. And truth be told, I feel a lot more free in some ways lately than I've felt in a long time. I have somebody I love who loves me, and it's a blessing.

Today my friend, who I referred to in my last post, asked me again what's been going on with me. After fishing for a bit, he was able to guess what was up. He was very happy for me that I've found someone that I'm in love with, but also realized that I face some pretty big, life-altering choices. It was really good to talk to him. He said he was a little surprised, but not shocked by my revelation. He gave me a good piece of advice, which was, "I guess in the end you just have to follow your heart."

The fact that I told him my "secret," which is becoming less of a secret day by day, indicates to me that I'm getting ready to step out of the closet again, and this time for good, I would imagine. You know, I remember the first time I ever told somebody I thought I was gay and how hard it was and how guilty I felt and how full of self-loathing I was. And when I compare it to this, I think how okay with it I feel and how painless and easy it seems to be lately. That doesn't mean I don't realize it's not always going to be an easy road or that everyone I care about is going to necessarily be okay with it. But I'm not ashamed of it, and I get more comfortable with the idea of living my life in this manner the more people I tell.

Anyway, it's been a good day.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Sharing the Love

I actually have a night free (wonder of wonders). I don't have much to say, but I thought I'd write a couple of thoughts.

Jonah and I went to dinner and a play the other night. I had woken up that morning thinking that I would probably kiss him that night. Technically, I had already kissed him, but it was a rather clumsy, awkward kiss which you can read about in my post, The Happiest Place on Earth. Anyway, we had a very lovely evening together, and sure enough I kissed him on the lips, and he kissed me back (after accidentally poking me in the eye). We also got a bite to eat on Sunday and kissed each other goodbye. What's interesting is I didn't feel guilty, which is new, so that's nice.

It's interesting how mutual friends expect to see the two of us together since we hang out so much. Jonah was concerned that I would be uncomfortable with that, but I'm not really. I don't know if I'm ready to shout about our relationship from the rooftops, but I figure a lot of people probably suspect we're involved, and that's fine.

I'm not embarrassed or ashamed about my relationship with Jonah, and there is, indeed, a part of me that is so happy with him that I really would like to share it with others. But the other part of me is still dealing with the fact that this relationship isn't in accordance with my religious beliefs. I shouldn't care what others think, but I have been such a "model of Mormonism" (and I don't mean that in a boastful way) that I'm worried that when I tell others who see me in that light, it will reflect badly on the Church. I know that must sound odd. I don't care about how it reflects on me so much, but I don't want my decisions to cause others to view my religion in a negative light. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone, but it does to me.

A friend asked me today what I've been doing with my free time, and I kind of gave him a giddy smile (because I spend my free time with Jonah), and he wanted to know details, and I just didn't feel ready to share that information yet. I just don't want to become a subject of gossip (and, believe you me, it's easy to become that in the theatre department). I don't want people talking to each other behind my back about me and my personal life or speculating about whether the good Mormon boy is abandoning his faith for a homosexual relationship. I'm sure I will tell my friends here eventually (because I am pleased with my relationship with Jonah and wouldn't mind sharing that happiness with others), but I'm not ready to deal with any fallout yet. I'm actually pretty sure most of my friends will be fine with it. I just want to hold off until I'm sure of what I'm doing.

And I certainly realize my sexuality and personal life are nobody's business but my own anyway, but sometimes my circumstances feel complicated.

Jonah and I have had some good discussions lately. He's a great guy.

Friday, April 07, 2006


We had a guest speaker come to our school today and talk about how to make it in the business as a professional actor. One of the things he said a successful actor has is perseverance. He said that you have to give everything you have, and that if you have tried as hard as you can and you can't go any further and you haven't succeeded as an actor, you'll still know that you did the best you could and gave it your best shot. Otherwise, if you just strive for your goals in a haphazard way and fail, you'll always live with regret wondering if you would have succeeded if you had just tried harder. He said we only have one life, and we don't want to live with regrets.

I then thought about how this applies to my own situation. As far as my homosexual issues are concerned, I really feel like I could face my Father in Heaven and say that I gave it my best shot; that I tried as hard as I could, but that I just wasn't able to live the way my religion has asked me to. I've dedicated years of my life to doing what I've been taught to do, and it hasn't changed my feelings. I don't regret a moment of that. I'm very happy with the influence my religion has had on my life. Yet if I were to let Jonah go, I think I would regret that. I would wonder "what if..." for the rest of my life. I think I am coming to better terms that Jonah and I belong together and that it's okay. Maybe it's just time to start a new chapter in my life.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

What I Want and Company

I took a little break from my musical theme, but now it's back. Today in one of my classes we talked about the musical, Company, by Stephen Sondheim (and if you don't know who Stephen Sondheim is, you can't be my friend anymore. I kid...but not really. ;-) ). Anyway, it's a musical about relationships and, largely, about one specific character's inability to commit.

There is one song called "Someone Is Waiting," which I quote in part (and have changed a few of the words to fit my situation):

Would I know [him] even if I met [him]?
Have I missed [him]? Did I let [him] go?

Wait for me, I'm ready now,
I'll find you if I can!

Did I know [him]? have I waited too long?
Maybe so, but maybe so has [he],

Wait for me,
I'll hurry, wait for me.
Wait for me.
Wait for me.

It got me to thinking. I remember after my ex-fiancée told me she didn't want to marry me, I was devastated, and I thought I would never find anybody I loved as much again. And I was scarred for years. As far as dating went, I became very picky and always seemed only able to find things about a person that I didn't think I could live with. And after a while of this, I thought, "Is she really out there at all? Or what if I've already met her and let her go because of some stupid, superficial reason? Or is it really a woman I'm looking for at all? Maybe I'd be better off with a guy." And I eventually reached a point in my life where I just didn't have any interest in anybody but myself. I wasn't attracted to anyone in a deep way that made me feel like this was a person I wanted to spend my lifetime (or eternity) with. And I reached a point where I decided I was fine being alone and was pretty well convinced I'd never have a serious relationship again.

Jonah is the first person I've dated in a long, long time that I really can envision being with and being happy with. I had some fairly successful relationships (with women) in the past, but this is, hands down, the best relationship I've been in.

And I was thinking in class today, "What do I really want? And how can I achieve it?" I want to please God. I want my family to be happy. I want to be happy. And I want to be with Jonah. Some of these seemingly contradict each other, but I still think I can be with Jonah and still have a good relationship with my Father in Heaven. My family won't be entirely happy, but I think they will be as supportive as they can be and, in time, maybe they will be okay with it. I'm pretty happy as it is, but Jonah makes me very happy. I love him very much.

I feel like I'm learning that maybe there is a different path for me in life than I had previously thought and that maybe that is okay. It doesn't always gel with what I've believed for a very long time, but I feel like I'm coming to better terms with it. I'm still a bit in limbo, as I'm sure others of you are, but I'm feeling good about things lately. I still think it's going to be an upward battle, but I'm feeling more peace every day.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Good Vibrations

Jonah and I had a really good talk tonight. We're both going through some tough times right now, but we really were able to talk a lot and get a lot of things out in the open. Jonah is a lot more open than I am, but I really felt like I was able to say exactly what I was feeling, and I really felt like we had some very good communication tonight. I still don't know what all the answers are, but I feel really good about our relationship. All I know is that I love Jonah, and he loves me, and that if it's wrong, it's wrong. But we're on really good ground, and I'm not going to feel guilty about it. We're two good, God-loving people, and we've really been able to share and grow with one another this past year. No matter what happens, I will always love Jonah and will always value his friendship. Our time together has neither been wrong nor wasted. I told Jonah that I've had serious relationships with women (three, in fact; two with whom I contemplated marriage), but that my relationship with him is, by far, the best and most fulfilling I've ever had.

There is a scripture in the Book of Mormon that says, "wickedness never was happiness," so I really don't understand how this relationship can be wrong because I am very happy in it. Jonah and I have done nothing more than hold hands, hug, and give each a few pecks on the cheek, but I don't feel guilty about it. We're still taking things slowly, but I get more comfortable every day with the idea that this could be something more than just friendship. It's still not easy all the time, but, gosh, do I love that guy!

We talked today about how organized religion often stresses guilt so much rather than forgiveness and mercy. God love all of us no matter what! I really believe that. And if this relationship turns out to be a mistake, then maybe so be it. I'm tired of feeling needless guilt, and I really think God has put Jonah and I together for a reason.

In a way, I feel more sorry for Jonah than I do myself. His religion says he's going to hell and his family, I think, will have a much harder time with it than mine will (although, rest assured, mine will have problems with it, too). If all that my religion teaches is true, I just won't get to go to the Celestial Kingdom, but I'll still get to go somewhere good. Of course, both of us feel strongly that God loves us, and that that will remain the same no matter what.

I talked to my mom yesterday. It was a good talk. Although still not crazy about the idea that Jonah and I could end up together, she really likes Jonah and just wants me to be happy. In an effort to even understand my dilemma, she went and saw Brokeback Mountain, which is not a film my mom would normally see. She saw it alone and swore me to secrecy that I wouldn't tell anybody else in the family. I did tell her that I didn't necessarily think Brokeback Mountain was the best film to see to really know what Jonah and I were dealing with. I actually have some issues with the film (though I think it's very well-done) which I won't go into now. But the fact that she went to see it on my behalf showed a lot of support for me, and I appreciate that. My mom loves me, and I love her, and I know nothing will change that. I'm so grateful to her for her love and support for me. Not all people have that.

Jonah was feeling bad the other night and actually called my mom (unbeknownst to me) to ask for her forgiveness for causing any turmoil in my life or hers. He needn't have done that (although he felt he needed to, and I respect that) because my mom holds no ill feelings towards him. She made that clear to him, but also talked about why this is a difficult situation. Anyway, it's interesting to know that my mom and my boyfriend respect each other. I'm grateful for that, too.

This is such an interesting relationship. Jonah is 30, I am 35. We're both virgins. We both have strong relationships with God and really are both trying to do what we feel is right. Neither of us smoke or drink, and we're not into clubbing or that kind of thing. We're actually two very ordinary people (we'd probably bore you if you met us). We have so much in common, and yet we also balance each other out. My strengths are Jonah's weaknesses, and vice-versa, I feel. We get along very well and have never had a fight or argument as of yet. I just feel there is so much good going for us.

We even talked tonight about having a relationship without the sex act, and that way I wouldn't really be breaking my covenants. I don't know how realistic that is, but it was worth thinking about. We both admitted we have hormones and sexual desires, but we also concurred that just the intimacy and friendship we share is really nice and that it might be worth considering. I'm not sure I could do it (eventually, I think I would want to make love to the man I love), but it was a thought.
In any case, I feel happy. I'm not 100% sure what I'm doing, but I feel every day I get closer. The one thing the Lord whispers to my heart is that everything is going to be okay, no matter what happens.

One last thing. I told a friend I was going through some struggles, and he said, "You just have to be you," and "I'll love you no matter what." It's quite possible he knows exactly what I'm dealing with, but I thought those were inspired comments to give. I'm still trying to figure out who the real me is. But it's nice to know no matter what I choose, God will love me. That can never change.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

General Conference and Rent

I'm unintentionally continuing with my musical theme in my blogs, although it seems weird to have General Conference and the musical, Rent, in the same post.

I watched General Conference today and was quite inspired by several talks. Unfortunately, the message from Heavenly Father to me was pretty loud and clear: in spite of what I think I might want, the only true way to eternal happiness is to keep following the path I've been on; that is to say that I must stay true to my testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. As much as I try to rationalize things, the fact of the matter is that I do know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is God's true church on earth and in spite of whatever choices I make in this life, that truth will not change, and I will always know it in my heart.

Conference is supposed to be uplifting, and although in some ways I did feel uplifted and strengthened, I also felt sad because I love Jonah very much, and if I stay on the path I'm on, I know I will hurt him, and I certainly don't wish to do that.

One message that came through very strong for me was that although life's trials and temptations may seem impossible to surmount, God has promised me that they aren't and that I must stay strong and endure to the end. The other message was that I need to worry more about God's will for me rather than what I want myself.

I know that those of you who aren't members of the Mormon Church or who are disenfranchised from it may not understand or agree with that, and I respect that. But it is what my soul felt today. My soul was reminded of what I'm really here to do; that my eternal goals are more important than my temporal goals.

Now don't misunderstand me; that didn't mean I thought, "Oh, well, that's what I need to do, and so I'm going to do it." On the contrary, my thoughts were, "God, why does this have to be so hard? Why does this have to be so confusing? Why is this my trial in life? I don't know that I'm strong enough to do what you ask me to do. You keep telling me I am, and I'm trying to believe you, but sometimes I don't, and then I feel badly about that. But I know that you know my heart and that I am honestly trying to do what I feel you've asked me to do. Help me to want to do your will, and help me be assured of what that will is."

One thing that was said in Conference is that the battles will get harder, not easier. That certainly seems to be the case.

I just want to do what's right. You know? I'm told it will be worth it if I endure until the end. I have to believe it's so. But it's hard. I'm sure many of you understand what I'm talking about.

I feel like such a flip-flopper. One day I'm telling you something; the next day I'm saying the complete opposite. You must all think I'm wishy-washy. But I know what's embedded in my heart, and I can't seem to let it go or even rationalize that it's okay to do so.

Bottom line: like it or not, I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true. I always will. No matter what I decide to do in life, that truth is seared in my heart.

Which brings me to Rent. Jonah and I went to see it tonight. I was feeling crummy because I felt like I was going to have to tell Jonah that I didn't think I could be with him after all, and Jonah seemed down because he sensed it, too (I told you, Jonah is like that; it's like he is so in tune he already knows things. It's a little creepy sometimes (in a good way)).

Contrary to the show's lyrics, I don't believe there is "no day but today." I believe every choice we make has consequences, both in this life and the next.

Anyway, Jonah and I had quite a talk tonight. Again, no pressure from Jonah. He did make it clear he wants to be with me, but said he would understand and respect my choice if I choose otherwise. I said that I just didn't think I could give up what I know to be true. We had a really nice talk. He is such a loving and supportive person, and, most of all, a wonderful friend. Anyway, Jonah had been inspired that the two of us should pray together, and that what we should pray for most of all is that we have peace. And when Jonah is inspired to do something, I feel it's best to follow through. He prayed first, and I prayed second. The Spirit was quite strong, I felt.

So now I'm home. I just said a private prayer. Basically I said, "Heavenly Father, just tell me what to do. Whatever you want, I'll do it. You want me to leave Jonah, I'll do it. You want me to be with him, I'll do it. Just please tell me so I can do it, because I am so confused right now, and Jonah and I are feeling too much turmoil in our hearts because of this situation."

Still waiting on a solid answer. Whatever it is, I just hope I feel at peace with it.