Thursday, April 13, 2006

Out and About

Good day today.

Today in one of my acting classes, my acting teacher (who is gay) was talking about a character one of my fellow students is working on, a very stereotypical queen. In his speech, this gay queen says some very nasty things, and my teacher (who can be quite nasty in his comments himself) was theorizing that one of the reasons gay queens are so bluntly honest is that they spent so many years hiding who they really were before they came out that they are overly truthful afterwards, especially with other gay people. Whether this theory is true or not I don't care to speculate on, but it got me to thinking, "How long do I want to spend my life hiding behind this fa├žade that doesn't really seem to be who I am inside?" Don't get me wrong. I have no regrets that I haven't come out prior to this relatively late age of 35 (well, technically, I did come out very briefly in 1990, but only for a few months and only to a few people). I mean, if I'd come out earlier in life I probably never would have met Jonah, and that would be a tragedy indeed. I'm also very grateful that I've had the life experiences I've had prior to this point in my life now. But, as I've insinuated in previous blog entries, maybe it's time to start a new chapter in my life; a chapter where I allow myself to love who I want to love, where I don't live with so much guilt for having the feelings I have, and where I can really be free to express who I am.

HawaiiDave's most recent post says, in part, "growing older doesn't bother me. I mention it as a wake-up call to struggling gays who keep putting off embracing their homosexuality. The longer you remain in 'struggling' mode, the shorter the time you'll have to enjoy life as a happy, content gay person. The years zip by, believe me. Life will pass you by.

So come out, already! Or at least take the next step, however small."

I mean, I'm 35 already, and time is already going by very quickly. I mean, maybe he has a point. And truth be told, I feel a lot more free in some ways lately than I've felt in a long time. I have somebody I love who loves me, and it's a blessing.

Today my friend, who I referred to in my last post, asked me again what's been going on with me. After fishing for a bit, he was able to guess what was up. He was very happy for me that I've found someone that I'm in love with, but also realized that I face some pretty big, life-altering choices. It was really good to talk to him. He said he was a little surprised, but not shocked by my revelation. He gave me a good piece of advice, which was, "I guess in the end you just have to follow your heart."

The fact that I told him my "secret," which is becoming less of a secret day by day, indicates to me that I'm getting ready to step out of the closet again, and this time for good, I would imagine. You know, I remember the first time I ever told somebody I thought I was gay and how hard it was and how guilty I felt and how full of self-loathing I was. And when I compare it to this, I think how okay with it I feel and how painless and easy it seems to be lately. That doesn't mean I don't realize it's not always going to be an easy road or that everyone I care about is going to necessarily be okay with it. But I'm not ashamed of it, and I get more comfortable with the idea of living my life in this manner the more people I tell.

Anyway, it's been a good day.

1 comment:

Dave Walter said...

...a chapter where I allow myself to love who I want to love...

A long, wondeful chapter.

I'm happy for you, Cody.