I took a little break from my musical theme, but now it's back. Today in one of my classes we talked about the musical, Company, by Stephen Sondheim (and if you don't know who Stephen Sondheim is, you can't be my friend anymore. I kid...but not really. ;-) ). Anyway, it's a musical about relationships and, largely, about one specific character's inability to commit.
There is one song called "Someone Is Waiting," which I quote in part (and have changed a few of the words to fit my situation):
Would I know [him] even if I met [him]?
Have I missed [him]? Did I let [him] go?
Wait for me, I'm ready now,
I'll find you if I can!
Did I know [him]? have I waited too long?
Maybe so, but maybe so has [he],
Wait for me,
I'll hurry, wait for me.
Wait for me.
Wait for me.
It got me to thinking. I remember after my ex-fiancée told me she didn't want to marry me, I was devastated, and I thought I would never find anybody I loved as much again. And I was scarred for years. As far as dating went, I became very picky and always seemed only able to find things about a person that I didn't think I could live with. And after a while of this, I thought, "Is she really out there at all? Or what if I've already met her and let her go because of some stupid, superficial reason? Or is it really a woman I'm looking for at all? Maybe I'd be better off with a guy." And I eventually reached a point in my life where I just didn't have any interest in anybody but myself. I wasn't attracted to anyone in a deep way that made me feel like this was a person I wanted to spend my lifetime (or eternity) with. And I reached a point where I decided I was fine being alone and was pretty well convinced I'd never have a serious relationship again.
Jonah is the first person I've dated in a long, long time that I really can envision being with and being happy with. I had some fairly successful relationships (with women) in the past, but this is, hands down, the best relationship I've been in.
And I was thinking in class today, "What do I really want? And how can I achieve it?" I want to please God. I want my family to be happy. I want to be happy. And I want to be with Jonah. Some of these seemingly contradict each other, but I still think I can be with Jonah and still have a good relationship with my Father in Heaven. My family won't be entirely happy, but I think they will be as supportive as they can be and, in time, maybe they will be okay with it. I'm pretty happy as it is, but Jonah makes me very happy. I love him very much.
I feel like I'm learning that maybe there is a different path for me in life than I had previously thought and that maybe that is okay. It doesn't always gel with what I've believed for a very long time, but I feel like I'm coming to better terms with it. I'm still a bit in limbo, as I'm sure others of you are, but I'm feeling good about things lately. I still think it's going to be an upward battle, but I'm feeling more peace every day.