Thursday, April 06, 2006

What I Want and Company

I took a little break from my musical theme, but now it's back. Today in one of my classes we talked about the musical, Company, by Stephen Sondheim (and if you don't know who Stephen Sondheim is, you can't be my friend anymore. I kid...but not really. ;-) ). Anyway, it's a musical about relationships and, largely, about one specific character's inability to commit.

There is one song called "Someone Is Waiting," which I quote in part (and have changed a few of the words to fit my situation):

Would I know [him] even if I met [him]?
Have I missed [him]? Did I let [him] go?

Wait for me, I'm ready now,
I'll find you if I can!

Did I know [him]? have I waited too long?
Maybe so, but maybe so has [he],

Wait for me,
I'll hurry, wait for me.
Wait for me.
Wait for me.

It got me to thinking. I remember after my ex-fiancée told me she didn't want to marry me, I was devastated, and I thought I would never find anybody I loved as much again. And I was scarred for years. As far as dating went, I became very picky and always seemed only able to find things about a person that I didn't think I could live with. And after a while of this, I thought, "Is she really out there at all? Or what if I've already met her and let her go because of some stupid, superficial reason? Or is it really a woman I'm looking for at all? Maybe I'd be better off with a guy." And I eventually reached a point in my life where I just didn't have any interest in anybody but myself. I wasn't attracted to anyone in a deep way that made me feel like this was a person I wanted to spend my lifetime (or eternity) with. And I reached a point where I decided I was fine being alone and was pretty well convinced I'd never have a serious relationship again.

Jonah is the first person I've dated in a long, long time that I really can envision being with and being happy with. I had some fairly successful relationships (with women) in the past, but this is, hands down, the best relationship I've been in.

And I was thinking in class today, "What do I really want? And how can I achieve it?" I want to please God. I want my family to be happy. I want to be happy. And I want to be with Jonah. Some of these seemingly contradict each other, but I still think I can be with Jonah and still have a good relationship with my Father in Heaven. My family won't be entirely happy, but I think they will be as supportive as they can be and, in time, maybe they will be okay with it. I'm pretty happy as it is, but Jonah makes me very happy. I love him very much.

I feel like I'm learning that maybe there is a different path for me in life than I had previously thought and that maybe that is okay. It doesn't always gel with what I've believed for a very long time, but I feel like I'm coming to better terms with it. I'm still a bit in limbo, as I'm sure others of you are, but I'm feeling good about things lately. I still think it's going to be an upward battle, but I'm feeling more peace every day.


Foxx said...

Sondheim brings me much peace. Company, Into the Woods, Merrily We Roll Along, and Sunday in the Park with George have all inspired me and still do whenever I listen to them. Much truth is to be found in the words of poets and on the notes of composers.

I want to take a class where we talk about musicals! Maybe if I ever get back to school, I'll find one like it.

Gay LDS Actor said...

Hear, hear! I heartily concur. What's your favorite Sondheim show? I'd have to say either Merrily We Roll Along or Into the Woods, although I'm a big fan of Sweeney Todd as well. It's almost like trying to pick your favorite child. I do know that Passion is my least favorite. In any case, Sondheim's probably my favorite composer (as far as musical theatre goes).
I actually teach musical theatre, so I have a great interest in it.

Dave Walter said...

I still think it's going to be an upward battle, but I'm feeling more peace every day.

Good to hear you're more at peace. I'm glad you have Jonah by your side as you continue the battle.

Elbow said...

Incredible. Good for you!

Foxx said...

What's your favorite Sondheim show?

Well, barring the ones I want to BE in, I think my all-time favorite is Into the Woods. It just has so many layers and lessons and messages about things that are important to me: choices, wishes, regrets, consequences, perspective.

Second is Sunday in the Park with George. I love how it deals with passion (for stuff) and the idea of forever, progeny, and most importantly, moving on.

I don't know Passion or Pacific Overtures very well, and I've only had a taste of Assassins.

Gay LDS Actor said...

I love Into the Woods, Foxx. I got to see it when it was on Broadway. I learn so many life lessons when I listen to its words. I enjoy Sunday in the Park with George very much as well. I agree with you as far as why I like it. Pacific Overtures is good. I didn't care for it the very first time I heard it, but I really like it. Follies has some good music in it as well.