Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Good Vibrations

Jonah and I had a really good talk tonight. We're both going through some tough times right now, but we really were able to talk a lot and get a lot of things out in the open. Jonah is a lot more open than I am, but I really felt like I was able to say exactly what I was feeling, and I really felt like we had some very good communication tonight. I still don't know what all the answers are, but I feel really good about our relationship. All I know is that I love Jonah, and he loves me, and that if it's wrong, it's wrong. But we're on really good ground, and I'm not going to feel guilty about it. We're two good, God-loving people, and we've really been able to share and grow with one another this past year. No matter what happens, I will always love Jonah and will always value his friendship. Our time together has neither been wrong nor wasted. I told Jonah that I've had serious relationships with women (three, in fact; two with whom I contemplated marriage), but that my relationship with him is, by far, the best and most fulfilling I've ever had.

There is a scripture in the Book of Mormon that says, "wickedness never was happiness," so I really don't understand how this relationship can be wrong because I am very happy in it. Jonah and I have done nothing more than hold hands, hug, and give each a few pecks on the cheek, but I don't feel guilty about it. We're still taking things slowly, but I get more comfortable every day with the idea that this could be something more than just friendship. It's still not easy all the time, but, gosh, do I love that guy!

We talked today about how organized religion often stresses guilt so much rather than forgiveness and mercy. God love all of us no matter what! I really believe that. And if this relationship turns out to be a mistake, then maybe so be it. I'm tired of feeling needless guilt, and I really think God has put Jonah and I together for a reason.

In a way, I feel more sorry for Jonah than I do myself. His religion says he's going to hell and his family, I think, will have a much harder time with it than mine will (although, rest assured, mine will have problems with it, too). If all that my religion teaches is true, I just won't get to go to the Celestial Kingdom, but I'll still get to go somewhere good. Of course, both of us feel strongly that God loves us, and that that will remain the same no matter what.

I talked to my mom yesterday. It was a good talk. Although still not crazy about the idea that Jonah and I could end up together, she really likes Jonah and just wants me to be happy. In an effort to even understand my dilemma, she went and saw Brokeback Mountain, which is not a film my mom would normally see. She saw it alone and swore me to secrecy that I wouldn't tell anybody else in the family. I did tell her that I didn't necessarily think Brokeback Mountain was the best film to see to really know what Jonah and I were dealing with. I actually have some issues with the film (though I think it's very well-done) which I won't go into now. But the fact that she went to see it on my behalf showed a lot of support for me, and I appreciate that. My mom loves me, and I love her, and I know nothing will change that. I'm so grateful to her for her love and support for me. Not all people have that.

Jonah was feeling bad the other night and actually called my mom (unbeknownst to me) to ask for her forgiveness for causing any turmoil in my life or hers. He needn't have done that (although he felt he needed to, and I respect that) because my mom holds no ill feelings towards him. She made that clear to him, but also talked about why this is a difficult situation. Anyway, it's interesting to know that my mom and my boyfriend respect each other. I'm grateful for that, too.

This is such an interesting relationship. Jonah is 30, I am 35. We're both virgins. We both have strong relationships with God and really are both trying to do what we feel is right. Neither of us smoke or drink, and we're not into clubbing or that kind of thing. We're actually two very ordinary people (we'd probably bore you if you met us). We have so much in common, and yet we also balance each other out. My strengths are Jonah's weaknesses, and vice-versa, I feel. We get along very well and have never had a fight or argument as of yet. I just feel there is so much good going for us.

We even talked tonight about having a relationship without the sex act, and that way I wouldn't really be breaking my covenants. I don't know how realistic that is, but it was worth thinking about. We both admitted we have hormones and sexual desires, but we also concurred that just the intimacy and friendship we share is really nice and that it might be worth considering. I'm not sure I could do it (eventually, I think I would want to make love to the man I love), but it was a thought.
In any case, I feel happy. I'm not 100% sure what I'm doing, but I feel every day I get closer. The one thing the Lord whispers to my heart is that everything is going to be okay, no matter what happens.

One last thing. I told a friend I was going through some struggles, and he said, "You just have to be you," and "I'll love you no matter what." It's quite possible he knows exactly what I'm dealing with, but I thought those were inspired comments to give. I'm still trying to figure out who the real me is. But it's nice to know no matter what I choose, God will love me. That can never change.


Dave Walter said...

You're making me insane. You found a seemingly perfect life partner and yet you're afraid to truly live with him as a life partner.

You absolutely need to go with what feels right for you, but if you choose to give up Jonah, I believe your life willl become much emptier.

Elbow said...

Your heart is in such a good place. Listen to everything you are saying, it's thoughtful, considerate, and full of love for everyone in your life.
You are doing the right thing. You are seem happy, you actually seem somewhat at peace too.
I think that the Lord is concerned with your heart, and what you hold inside. From my perspective, you don't have anything to worry about.
Keep being thoughtful and you and Jonah will find what you need to find.

Gay LDS Actor said...

Sorry, Dave.
Don't mean to drive you insane. ;-)
I magine Jonah feels the same way, too (as do I). You make it sound so simple, and maybe it really is, but, unfortunately, I still carry a lot of emotional and religious baggage that I'm not sure I'm ready or prepared to let go of yet. I just want to do what is right for me, and I'm still not sure what that is. And maybe the only way I'll really know if somethings right is to act on it and see if it does, indeed, feel right. But it's a scary jump to make. And maybe you're right; maybe my life will be emptier if I let Jonah go. But rest easy, because I feel like every day I'm with Jonah, I'm more comfortable with giving myself permission to be with him.

Elbow, thanks for the advice. That's just what I'm trying to do. I believe you're right; that if we just keep doing what we're doing, Jonah and I will find what we're looking for.