I actually have a night free (wonder of wonders). I don't have much to say, but I thought I'd write a couple of thoughts.
Jonah and I went to dinner and a play the other night. I had woken up that morning thinking that I would probably kiss him that night. Technically, I had already kissed him, but it was a rather clumsy, awkward kiss which you can read about in my post, The Happiest Place on Earth. Anyway, we had a very lovely evening together, and sure enough I kissed him on the lips, and he kissed me back (after accidentally poking me in the eye). We also got a bite to eat on Sunday and kissed each other goodbye. What's interesting is I didn't feel guilty, which is new, so that's nice.
It's interesting how mutual friends expect to see the two of us together since we hang out so much. Jonah was concerned that I would be uncomfortable with that, but I'm not really. I don't know if I'm ready to shout about our relationship from the rooftops, but I figure a lot of people probably suspect we're involved, and that's fine.
I'm not embarrassed or ashamed about my relationship with Jonah, and there is, indeed, a part of me that is so happy with him that I really would like to share it with others. But the other part of me is still dealing with the fact that this relationship isn't in accordance with my religious beliefs. I shouldn't care what others think, but I have been such a "model of Mormonism" (and I don't mean that in a boastful way) that I'm worried that when I tell others who see me in that light, it will reflect badly on the Church. I know that must sound odd. I don't care about how it reflects on me so much, but I don't want my decisions to cause others to view my religion in a negative light. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone, but it does to me.
A friend asked me today what I've been doing with my free time, and I kind of gave him a giddy smile (because I spend my free time with Jonah), and he wanted to know details, and I just didn't feel ready to share that information yet. I just don't want to become a subject of gossip (and, believe you me, it's easy to become that in the theatre department). I don't want people talking to each other behind my back about me and my personal life or speculating about whether the good Mormon boy is abandoning his faith for a homosexual relationship. I'm sure I will tell my friends here eventually (because I am pleased with my relationship with Jonah and wouldn't mind sharing that happiness with others), but I'm not ready to deal with any fallout yet. I'm actually pretty sure most of my friends will be fine with it. I just want to hold off until I'm sure of what I'm doing.
And I certainly realize my sexuality and personal life are nobody's business but my own anyway, but sometimes my circumstances feel complicated.
Jonah and I have had some good discussions lately. He's a great guy.