Saturday, March 18, 2006
The Happiest Place on Earth
Last night Jonah and I slept together…literally. ;-) We went on a trip to Disneyland together and spent the night at a hotel in the same bed. The double bed was actually an accident. The room was supposed to have two beds…or so Jonah says. More than likely it was a ploy to seduce me (he knows about this blog, by the way, so that was a joke at his expense). No, actually, if you knew Jonah, you’d know the single double bed was indeed a mistake. But, secretly, I was kind of glad. It meant there might be a chance for cuddling…especially now that Jonah knew the truth about how I felt.
Actually, during the night nothing happened. I was too nervous to cuddle. But in the morning when we woke up, Jonah started holding me, and I let him because I had wanted that all along. It just felt so nice to be held by someone I loved who loved me. It felt right, and I didn’t feel guilty. We cuddled for a bit, and he tussled my hair for a while, and I really enjoyed that. We were in the spoon position with my back to him, and I thought, “I really want to kiss him,” but I fought it for a bit because I wasn’t sure I felt ready to do that. Eventually I turned around to hug him and gave him a somewhat awkward kiss on the mouth (a very short kiss at that), and although I enjoyed it, I thought two things: one: “I’m not ready for kissing yet,” and two: “Holy cow! I just kissed a guy on the lips! I’ve fantasized about doing that for years!” I was just happy my first gay kiss was with someone I really love. We cuddled some more, and I just felt so happy to be in his arms. Anyway, that was it. But it was very nice.
Disneyland was a lot of fun. We rode everything we wanted to, and we both really enjoyed the fireworks show they had. We both got sunburned, and I felt really weak from it by the end of the day. I also decided Jonah and I were acting like two old men by the end of the day. We both ached from walking around so much and were just plain exhausted (it doesn’t help that Jonah only had had two hours of sleep and me four when we embarked on our trip). We gave up walking around the park and riding rides a full hour before the fireworks show (but were rewarded because we had a nice bench to sit on for the show that we weren’t going to give up even if some crippled old lady came along. Just kidding!). But it sure was nice to sit.
Something else that was nice was putting my arm around Jonah or vice-versa while we were walking around the park and not feeling weird or ashamed about it. Or he’d run his fingers through my hair at a restaurant, and I felt like, “This is how it should be. This is normal. Why do people have such hang-ups about same-sex relationships?”
After I told Jonah I had a blog, I wondered if he’d be cool with the fact that I was revealing not just my personal life, but his, to a bunch of complete strangers. And then I thought, “well, what difference does it make? They’re all complete strangers, so who cares?” And then I thought, “yeah, but somebody we know could run across the blog and figure it out,” and then I thought, “well, in that case, it would be a bigger deal to me than it would to Jonah,” and then I thought, “You know what? I don’t care who knows anyway. I just don’t.” There was a time in my life when I was ashamed of my homosexual feelings and scared to let anybody know about them, and later, as I let more people I trusted know, it became so cathartic for me, and then eventually I just don’t care who knows anymore, whether I decide to stay true to my religious beliefs or not. I have these feelings, right or wrong, and suppressing them or hiding them or pretending they don’t exist doesn’t change the way I really feel. Telling people I love, and especially telling Jonah, has been so liberating. I can say what I really feel and not hide behind the wall I’ve put up all these years. Each year more bricks in my self-imposed wall come down, and I’m grateful that I can just “be.” I’m glad I can freely tell Jonah that I think Orlando Bloom is hot and not fear any repercussions (I couldn’t do that in sacrament meeting or even with my family and feel comfortable at this stage in life). As far as Jonah and the blog, I think the only thing he takes issue with is that I named him Jonah (“My name is Jonah?!”).
As Jonah and I have talked about our feelings, I’ve known for some time that people at school probably suspect we are a couple, and at first when I wasn’t sure where I wanted to go with this relationship, it made me nervous (although I still didn’t care what people thought. I figured if they thought we were boyfriends, that was their problem not mine; yet I wanted the truth about the relationship to be on my terms, not due to idle gossip). But I don’t care anymore. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I don’t mind going places and inviting Jonah to be my date. Let people talk about it if they want. Whatever the two of us make of this relationship is our business, and that will always be our truth.
Jonah and I had a nice talk tonight after we got home from Disneyland. He said he doesn’t mind the blog at all. He thinks it’s great that I can be honest about my feelings and get other people’s feedback. He really just wants to be sure I’m okay. I did admit that although I didn’t feel guilty about cuddling and kissing this morning, I do feel a bit of guilt now (not much, but guilt nonetheless). I guess years of being told that you should feel guilty for engaging in certain behavior will do that to you. Yet, like I said, when we actually did it it felt good and natural and right. I told him this is still all new to me and that I still don’t know what I’m doing or what I want and that I hope he’ll just be patient with me. We both agreed that regardless of what our relationship turns out to be, what we have has never been wasted time and that we are grateful for one another’s friendship. Jonah’s a very patient guy and a great friend, so for that I am very grateful. I must admit when he said he wanted to be my boyfriend, my heart skipped a beat and I felt very giddy. I’m such a nerd (which is what I told Jonah, and he replied that he likes nerds).
I admitted to Jonah that after I told him the truth about how I felt, I fretted about whether I had made the right decision. I even had a terrible headache that night (stress-induced, I’m sure, since I rarely ever get headaches), but I am convinced I have done the right thing. I don’t know what the future holds for Jonah and me. I just know that I’m very happy and in love and taking it all one day at a time.