Wednesday, March 08, 2006

My Thoughts on Sex

I’ve read a couple of interesting posts lately about sex on a couple of different blogs. I thought I’d chime in with my two cents.

First off, I’ve never had sex…with either a woman or a man (though I did come close with an ex-girlfriend). I’ve certainly masturbated, but I’ve never had sexual intercourse with another person. In some ways, I’m proud of the fact that I’ve remained a virgin because I really don’t want to lose my virginity to anyone but somebody I deeply love, and that person hasn’t come around yet (unless it’s Jonah, which it may very well be). On the other hand, there is a worldly part of me that thinks it’s a bit lame that I’m almost a 35 year-old virgin. But for the most part, I really am proud of the fact.

For me, I think sex is a very sacred, intimate thing between two people (whether one is gay, straight, bisexual, whatever), and I’ve never been one who was interested in having sex just to have sex. Obviously, the idea of having sex has held appeal, but I’ve always wanted it to be with someone I really love and care about.

When I was in my teens and twenties, I certainly was very horny (as I imagine most young men are at that age), but as I’ve gotten into my 30s, my sex drive has diminished a bit (although I’d still consider it a healthy sex drive), and now sex doesn’t necessarily hold as much appeal for me as love, friendship, and intimacy do. I really want to be with someone I love and care about, and certainly if the sex is good, that’s an added bonus. Don’t get me wrong, I think a healthy sex-life is important in a relationship, but I think love, friendship, and mutual respect are more important, because, really, if you don’t have those, what good is the sex in the long run? Good sex is only good for so long unless you have a solid foundation to build on. That’s just my opinion.

One thing I love about Jonah are his attitudes about sex and love and faith. Jonah is not LDS (Mormon). He is of another faith. But we really do have a lot of similar attitudes about a lot of different things, sex being one of them. Jonah also believes sex is not something to be casually given away and is something very personal and valuable. Like me, Jonah is a virgin as well. Unlike me, he has never been in a serious relationship with anyone. But he longs for it. He just wants somebody to be with and love and give himself to. Something I find refreshing about Jonah is he’s not into things like clubbing or drinking or casual sex (and I swear I’m not judging anyone who finds those pursuits rewarding). He’s much more interested in developing friendships and one-on-one situations and just talking. His faith is important to him (and me), and I feel he has a really close connection with God and the Holy Ghost. He really is one of the most sensitive, compassionate, generous, spiritual people I’ve ever met.

Jonah is really sensitive to the promptings of the Holy Ghost. He’s really good at sensing things (much better than I am). Even though I have never told Jonah that I have homosexual feelings (and, more specifically, feelings towards him), I actually think that he probably already knows, but is just being patient and letting me tell him in my own time.

When Jonah told me he was interested in me as more than just a friend, I never lied to him. I simply said I was unable to reciprocate his feelings, and that was true at the time. I didn’t tell Jonah I felt similar things for him, not because I didn’t trust him or think he wouldn’t understand, but because I wasn’t sure if that was a path I was ready to take myself, and I felt it would be harder for me to deal with and decide for myself what I wanted to do if he knew how I felt. But I think he already knows, and if I decide to pursue that path, I will tell him.
At the time, it didn’t feel like the right thing to do. Staying true to my testimony and my religion seemed like the right thing to do. These days I’m not so sure.

I really think God has put this terrific guy in my life, and I really think we would be good for each other. But I also need a confirmation from the Lord that following that desire is the right thing to do, and I just am not sure yet. We’ll see what happens.

Gay Mormon said an interesting thing about virginity in one of his posts: He said,

“I can see myself ‘giving it up’ just because I’m afraid ‘Mr. Amazing’ is going to move on if I don’t.”

I’m certainly in no way telling Gay Mormon how to live his life; those are his choices, and his alone, to make. But I would bring up the point that if “Mr. Amazing” is willing to move on simply because someone won’t “give it up” before it’s the right time to do it, then “Mr. Amazing” probably isn’t so amazing.

I’m 34 today, and in many ways I wonder if Jonah could very well be “The One,“ if there is indeed such a thing as “The One.“ If he were a woman, he’s just about everything my religion has told me to look for. Which is why this is such a difficult decision. Because I do indeed love my religion, and if I pursue this relationship, I know I can’t be both an active LDS member and a practicing gay man. It just isn’t possible within the tenets of my faith. But Jonah is indeed just about everything I’m looking for in a partner, so I have to decide if that relationship is worth leaving a church I honestly do love being a part of.

In a future post, I’d like to talk about how Jonah and I met (but that will have to wait for another day).

Hawaii Dave wrote a quote somebody said, which said,

"Guys won't date you for very long unless you have sex. That's the way it is. It's a fantasy to believe you can be a virgin and have a relationship. The options seem to be thus: you'll either date guys OR be active LDS."

and agreed with it.

I don’t believe that. Again, I’m not experienced in dating guys, but I believe that someone who truly cares about you (heterosexual or homosexual) will wait until you are both ready to give yourselves to one another. Maybe I’m a naïve idealist, but I believe that.

But who am I to give advice on relationships and sex? Take my words for what they’re worth to you.


Dave Walter said...

"But who am I to give advice on relationships and sex? Take my words for what they’re worth to you."

Your thoughts are as valuable and important as those of any other blogger; thanks for sharing them, Cody.

And thanks for starting your blog!


Foxx said...

Good sex is only good for so long unless you have a solid foundation to build on. That’s just my opinion.

Not just your opinion, but my experience as well. In my first relationship (also my most recent), we jumped into sex really early, in my opinion. As "ready" as I felt I was to experience it, I wasn't prepared for the ramifications of building a relationship after.

Right now I've been dating somebody who has shown me that what I believed is true: the emotional satisfaction comes from the relationship, the connection, and the closeness. Having boundaries and feeling safe help make you feel more connected to the other person.

Gay Mormon said...

What? So you're saying a guy who just wants to use me isn't "Mr. Amazing." :)

I realize my thoughts are ridiculous sometimes. What do you do. I hope you're right in that two guys can build a healthy relationship before jumping into bed. I' hoping/looking for that.

Elbow said...

First, I want to welcome you with open arms to the wild world of Gay Mormon bloggers. I was just saying the other day that we needed a bisexual 34-year-old virgin...and here you are (only kidding). But I am excited to hear more about your story, and what kind of insight you will be able to bring to the table.

As for your relationship with Jonah, my advice would be to grasp oportunities that are good. You don't have to have sex with him right now, or for a long time. Just be honest with who you are, share your feelings with him, be intimate, and experience what it is like to be with him.

You can kiss him, hold him, cuddle him and not engage in sex. As you said yourself, the intimate is more important to you than the sexual right now. Go with that feeling.

I read your entry and I was really glad that you were thinking clearly about this choice, and really wanting to be true to yourself, and to your faith. I commend you for that. No matter what you decide, it will be thought out and in the end you will have made the right decision.

From my experience, I don't want you to pass something this good up (if it really is good). This could be an amazing experience, and the Lord could possibly be handing it to you to learn from, but if you don't take it because you are afraid, then you could lose something important.

I don't have the answers,(obviously) but I wish you luck, and am proud of you for at least thinking about what all of this means.

Gay LDS Actor said...

Thanks for the welcome and the thoughts, all of you. It is appreciated.