Hope You're Okay With That (Part II)

Nearly nine years ago I wrote the following post. About a year ago I received a Facebook message from the father that I refer to in the post. He said, “Weird personal request: can I visit with you the next time you are in Utah? I am on a quest to understand your struggle being a gay Mormon. I need to be more aware and supportive and don’t know how to get there. Thanks.” At the time I thought, “I wonder if this is about his son.”

I fully intended to get together with the father (who I will call Ron), but I haven’t been back to Utah much lately and when I have it’s been for a short visit. For some reason last week the young man I refer to in the post (who I will call Scotty) came to my mind and I looked him up on Facebook. Although his profile is limited since we are not Facebook friends, in the “About” section it did say he was interested in men.

I reached out to Ron with the following message: “I was thinking about this request you made of me in March last year. I had actually forgotten about it, and I apologize for that. 

"I have been to Utah twice since you sent your last message, but it has always been quick trips. I'm sorry we never got the opportunity to connect. I did suspect at the time you wrote me about this that it might have to do with your son, [Scotty], and when I was on Facebook today I did see on his profile that he identifies as being ‘interested in men.’ I don't know much about [Scotty]'s life these days, but when I was attending the [our ward] I always had a soft spot in my heart for him because I suspected he might be gay and I worried for him and for you and [your wife]. In fact, I came across an entry I wrote in my [blog] in 2010 about your family and [Scotty], in particular. I'll even share it with you if you are ever interested. 

"Anyway, I apologize if I'm overstepping my bounds here or making assumptions about a situation I know nothing about. But I did want you to know I love your family very much, consider you a friend, and am still available if you ever want or need to talk. And if I am incorrect about any of this, my apologies and you can ignore my message. I miss you guys and the neighborhood a lot. I hope everyone is well. 

"All my love, 

"[Cody].”

Ron responded with “Thanks for reaching out. You are correct about [Scotty]. He came out officially during his senior year. He hasn’t started dating yet, and is still working at figuring things out. 

“He tends to be more flamboyant. I honestly struggle with that. I also really worry about how that will impact him. When he’s uncomfortable, he reacts by going more flamboyant and making others uncomfortable. I worry how that will impact relationships. 

“I have chatted with [my wife]’s brother who is gay, but he is naturally very reserved and understated.

“I am working to be more supportive and loving. He and I have butted heads since he was young. It’s been better since he came out because he is more honest and open. I constantly wonder why Heavenly Father sent him to me. I am always overwhelmed and afraid. I don’t know if this sounds familiar. 

“I will be honest, I am not naturally supportive of the LGBTQ+ population. I am really working to soften and change. I also really have a hard time with anything flashy or flamboyant- straight or otherwise. That makes things challenging. Mild understatement. But I am trying.

“I hope I haven’t offended you or made your life any more difficult. I appreciate your friendship. Thanks for ‘listening.’

“[Ron]”

I answered, “Not at all. You haven’t offended me one bit. I think it’s often a learning curve when a straight parent is learning to navigate the challenges of understanding a gay child, particularly if the background and upbringing is more conservative. The important thing to know is that, gay or straight, all children have their own challenges and all children do things or make choices that don’t necessarily please their parents. 

“I actually do want to share with you my [blog post] [which I did]. 

“As I read this [post], I recall that one of the things I most admired about your son when I was in the [our ward] was his ability to express himself without seemingly having any shame or embarrassment about it. At the time (and still, really) I consider that an asset and a strength. Now if his flamboyant behavior or appearance is simply to ruffle feathers or push people’s buttons, that’s certainly a possibility, but I suspect his flamboyance is something that makes himself feel free to be and express who he feels he is. But you may be correct that it is also a defense mechanism. In any case, his flamboyance may merely be a ‘pebble in your shoe’ that feels like an annoying rock. In society, especially, we’re conditioned that boys should act and dress a certain way and vice-versa for girls. But I wonder sometimes what difference it really makes.

“Coming from my own conservative background, I remember when I met my husband, [Jonah], that I was sometimes uncomfortable with his flamboyance. In my case, it was probably because I had been trying to suppress my gay feelings for so long that anything that even smacked of ‘coloring outside the lines’ was uncomfortable for me, and yet, I so longed myself to ‘color outside the lines’ and not feel ashamed or scared of it. 

“What’s important is that you are trying to be loving and supportive. That’s what any child, gay or straight, needs most of all. Certainly as a parent, your job is to counsel and teach your child, but it is also to love them unconditionally and be willing to let go to allow them to make their own choices and watch them succeed or fail and hopefully, learn and find happiness wherever they can. 

“You know, when I first met my husband and realized I was falling in love with him and eventually made the choice to share a life with him, it wasn’t easy, but it felt right at the time, and I have not regretted it ever. It was one of the best choices I have ever made. My brother… had a difficult time with it at first, although to his credit, he has always shown both [Jonah] and me much love and support. [Jonah] always jokes with my family that he hopes I will buy him a big diamond ring someday. The last time I was in Utah, [my brother] gave me my late grandmother’s diamond ring and said maybe I could get the diamonds in it put in a new ring for Isaias. That seemingly tiny gesture was so significant and moving to me because I know it was hard in the beginning for [my brother]. He still believes what he believes, I’m sure, but he just sees us as important people in his life who he loves and that means the world to me.

“The greatest thing my mom ever said to me when I was struggling so much was, ‘I just want you to be happy, and if being with [Jonah] makes you happy, you should be with him.’ She still believed in what she believed, but allowed me to make my own choice and be who I needed to be. Fighting against it will push children away, in the experience of many gay people I know. It doesn’t mean you have to love or condone your child’s actions, but allowing him to be who he wants to be and making sure he always knows he is loved no matter what is vital. 

“You said you sometimes wonder why God sent [Scotty] to you. I would imagine it’s because he knew you and [your wife] would be the perfect parents for that special young man (not that you would be perfect, mind you, but that you would be the right set of parents for him), and that not only could you teach and love him, but that he could teach you things as well. God doesn’t make mistakes. He has given you a true gift in all of your children and each one of them can teach you something valuable. Life doesn’t always go the way we expect it to (in fact, more often than not, it doesn’t). I’m sure you, like any parent, has had expectations for how your kids would be raised and where they might end up. I suspect [Scotty] has a different path to tread than what you might have expected or hoped. The lesson maybe, is to let him take that path and know that you will always love and care for him wherever that path may lead. 

“I would also say this: you said you are not naturally supportive of the LGBTQ+ population. Just like any population, there are positive and negative voices. For example, I think [Jonah] and I are pretty normal, boring gays. Some of my gay friends are super flamboyant; some are antagonistic; some are super intolerant; but others are pretty “vanilla,” like we are; some are Christian; some are conservative. I guess the point is, we don’t all fit in one box, just as there are many types of Mormons, for example. I think sometimes what is seen on the news or in Pride parades or even on social media can obscure that fact. I have many gay friends who I vehemently disagree with about many things and then there are many that I have tons in common with. 

“Last thing, you talk a lot about the fears you have. Just remember, fear is a powerful tool of the adversary. I have often felt that the opposite of love is not hate, but fear. With perfect love there can be no fear. But we often fear that which we do not understand or the unknown. 

“I don’t know if any of this is helpful or comforting at all. I just know I have been in [Scotty]’s shoes. Just keep loving him. Keep trying. Keep searching for understanding. Keep letting him know that nothing he does will ever change your love for him. Keep supporting him as best you are able. Please continue to reach out if you ever need to talk. 

“I pray for the best for both you and [Scotty] and your entire family.

“All my love, 

“[Cody]”

Ron’s final message was, “Thank you. Ask [Jonah] to give you a big hug for me.”

I believe Ron will come around. I appreciate that he’s at least trying to understand his son. I wish them well.

I do think it’s interesting that in my original post I mused about how I would be curious to see what [Scotty] would be like ten years later, and now here we are nearly ten years later. Funny how things have worked out.