Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Feeling Panicky

Just in the last couple of days, I've been feeling a tad panicky just before going to bed. Nothing serious, but nonetheless present. I know much of it has to do with the fact that I'm finishing college in just two months, and I'm not sure at this point where I'll be living, where I'll be working, or what I'll be doing when I'm done. I think things will work out eventually, but at this point it is a bit stressful. Nothing unmanagable, mind you, but stressful nonetheless.

I had kind of hoped Jonah and I would be able to get married and move in together right after I graduated, but it doesn't look like that will be the case. He really wants a house and getting the money for that (as well as some personal family issues he has to work out before moving out of his parents house) will prevent that from happening right away. And I don't want to press the issue because I know that will stress him out. So it's kind of a stressful situation for both of us.

And, honestly (and Jonah knows this), the thought of settling down terrifies me as equally as the thought of not knowing what I'm doing with my life does. I've been single for a very long time, and Jonah and I both know that being in a committed relationship is (and will be) more of an adjustment for me than it is (or will be) for him. I don't talk about that much either because I think that stresses him as well. To his credit, Jonah gives me lots of personal space and has made it clear that he doesn't want to get in the way of any of my pursuits. At the same time, I love Jonah immensely. I can't imagine finding a better partner than he has been. And I do want to be with him. I guess being in a sort of limbo is just hard right now. But I certainly don't want to put any undue pressure on either of us. I would just be more comfortable if I knew what the future held. I'm sure things will work out the way they are supposed to.

I keep reminding myself how blessed we are to have each other and how much we have already surmounted together. And I have to realize that there isn't a timetable. Things will happen when they are supposed to. But I would be lying if I didn't say I feel a sense of fear in my heart. I like to know what lies ahead, and for the first time in a while, I don't, and it's a scary feeling.

I do have some job opportunities that lie ahead, and hopefully one of them will work out. I know I'll never be homeless. And I do believe Jonah and I will be together eventually. So I just have to take a deep breath and relax.

In other news, I've been visiting my mom and sister the last three days, and that has been very nice. They will be coming to my graduation in May. I wish I had had time to see my other siblings and their children, but it didn't work out this time.

Anyway, hope you are all well in blogland.

1 comment:

Scot said...

Panicky at this point in life is more than understandable. And Congratulations on graduation! (in May :-))

I wonder what worries you about settling down, in particular? If you don’t mind me asking.