Sunday, August 05, 2007

Adventures In Cedar City and Beyond

It's been a good summer since I graduated in May. I got my degree recently, so it's official now: I am a master of something.

Since I've been home in Utah, I've been performing in one show, and I just got cast in another (one I've always wanted to do). I also got my Actors' Equity card, so that was a big thing (although we'll see if it was the right way to go).

Jonah and I went to the Utah Shakespearean Festival last week. It had been a couple of months since we had seen each other (although we talk to each other nearly every day), so it was really nice to spend some time (albeit short) with him. Last Sunday was his birthday. I have to be honest; I was really tempted to have sex with him. My hormones were feeling very impatient. However, I still really feel very strongly about getting married first. I think it's just my Mormon upbringing and my desire to do as much as I can to live the way I was always taught under my specific life circumstances. So I resisted, and, fortunately, Jonah respects that. And, in the end, even though my hormones weren't so thrilled, I really was happy I made the choice to not have sex yet. I think I would have regretted it. I just want to get married first. Jonah and I did, however, have many detailed discussions about sex during our trip, which I think is healthy.

A week prior to our trip I had been thinking about what to get Jonah for his birthday. I had gotten him a CD, but had an epiphany that an unexpected and more-than-ready gift to give him would be to propose. So I went and bought a really nice gold band. I would have liked to get something with diamonds in it (which I actually think Jonah would have liked better), but it just wasn't in my budget. My mom actually helped me pick it out, which was cool. But I thought Cedar City would be a good place to do it since it's special to both of us (for many reasons). We took a walk to the Centurium, a group of statues of famous philosophers, writers, scientists, etc, which also has special meaning for us. I asked him to marry me under the statue of Shakespeare. I think he was both surprised and moved because he was crying. He said yes, and we took a few pictures of us.

Jonah at one point on the trip told me he was scared I wouldn't come back after I moved away after school, which surprised me because I thought he knew that he means the world to me, and that this relationship is serious to me. I think he was afraid I would get cold feet, which is understandable. I think the ring solidified in his mind that I'm in this to stay.

It does sadden me (and Jonah as well) that he feels he can't tell his family about us. But what can you do? That's my main regret about the marriage (more for him than for me): that his family won't be likely to attend. We, therefore, are making it a small ceremony (most likely in Vancouver some time after January) with just two witnesses (my mom will be mine, and I don't know who he has chosen yet).

Later that night, we saw the Simpsons movie (how romantic, huh?) which we both enjoyed. The next day we saw Candida (very charming) and Twelfth Night (pretty good, although I liked it better than Jonah did). I was suffering from really bad allergies, so the trip wasn't as delightful on that level as I had hoped, but we still had a good time. I also saw a really good friend that I hadn't seen in nearly 8 years.

Our last day, we had lunch with a good friend and then we saw Lend Me A Tenor: The Musical, which was entertaining, but still needs some work. Then we had dinner with two good friends of mine. That was fun. Then we saw Coriolanus, which was well-acted, but it was raining, so that was a bit distracting at times. Still, we had a great time.

We drove home that night, and the next day Jonah bought me a ring to match the one I bought him, so that was cool. I'm not a big fan of wearing rings, but I'm trying to get used to it.

He and my mom came to see my show that night, and I introduced him to my friends, and they all seemed to like him. Then we laid with each other a bit in my bed that night and the next morning (which, honestly, felt a little weird in my mom's house), and then I drove Jonah to the airport and said goodbye.

I miss him, but I'll be visiting him in about two weeks, and, hopefully, we'll be able to continue looking for houses.

It looks like I'll be in Utah until at least October, possibly December, and that's hard, but I feel we're doing well, and I think it's something we'll have to get used to since my work will likely keep us apart for long periods of time.

Today church was enjoyable. I also got to spend time with my family and some close friends as we celebrated my nephew being ordained a priest.

I met with my bishop today. He's also a really good friend, so I wasn't nervous (although Jonah told me he had felt nervous for me all day). My bishop knows what's up, and he was very loving and nonjudgmental (although not necessarily thrilled with my decisions). He was really good about it, although I know he doesn't fully understand why I'm making the choices I am. He did give me the Church's latest pamphlet to read and asked me to prayerfully consider it. Incidentally, I think it's one of the best written things the leaders of the Church have come up with regarding same-sex attraction, although basically I feel like it boils down to "We're-sorry-we-don't-know-how-to-help-you-and-you'll-probably-never-be-free-of-your-attractions-in-this-life-and-heterosexual-marriage-probably-won't-help-you-either-but-we'd-like-you-to-keep-doing-what-we've-asked-you-to-do-even-though-it-means-you'll-be-celebate-and-alone-for-the-rest-of-your-life-and-we-know-that-isn't-fair-but-that's-what-the-Lord-requires-and-everything-will-be-made-right-after-you-die." I don't blame them. I mean, if that's the way it is, that's the way it is. I can't fault them for that. But I just don't feel I can do what is required. And no matter what, I know I'm happier now than I was before I found Jonah and came out, so I'm willing to take the risk.

Anyway, excommunication or being disfellowshipped never came up, and since I'm perfectly happy continuing to be a member of the LDS Church still, I didn't bring it up, either. I may have to face it someday, but I'm okay with not having to deal with it right now.

An old friend called out of the blue yesterday wanting to get together next week. I'm eager to see him again. It's been a long, long time. I'm also meeting an old roommate tomorrow for lunch. Should be fun.

Anyway, that's what's up with me right now.

2 comments:

Alex Garcia said...

As in Vancouver Canada? Vancouver is amazing. That would be such a great place to get married. I was just there with Matt and some friends last weekend for Vancouver Pride Fun times.

Gay LDS Actor said...

Hawaii now. We changed our minds.