Well, it was only a matter of time. Someone I know has discovered my blog. Interestingly enough, it is my neighbor who attended my disciplinary council. This comes as no surprise to me since she reads some of the blogs that are in the same circles as blogs I read.
She had asked my mom if I had a blog and that she thought she had stumbled across a blog that most likely belonged to me. Mom asked me, and I said I did and said she was welcome to read it if she wanted and sent her the web address.
I'm not embarrassed or ashamed by anything I have written here over the last three or so years, but at the same time I wonder if I will censor or edit myself knowing that people I know are reading (although most of the stuff here is stuff I've been pretty open about with those in my life).
What does concern me more is how Jonah feels. I think he feels uncomfortable with the fact that some of our personal stuff is here for the world to read and even more so that it may be read by people who are not strangers. He told me he doesn't mind my having a blog, but that it makes him feel weird to know that people who know me might be reading about our personal life and that the whole idea in the beginning was for it to be anonymous. He has a valid point and one that I need to consider.
When I think about it, my original reasons for having a blog (to sort out my feelings and conflicts with my sexuality and my religious beliefs) have pretty much been taken care of. Now it's just become a place to think out loud, but I no longer need it like I did then, and there is, admittedly, a lot of personal stuff contained in it. Everything I have written in this blog (and then some) is in my journal that I keep. I also hoped this blog could be a place where others could learn what it's like to be in a gay Mormon's shoes and take what they could from my own personal experiences, and I feel it's done that, too. Maybe the time has come to shut it down. I've actually considered creating a new blog under my actual name that would contain humorous musings on life rather than all this serious, personal stuff. Maybe this is my excuse to do so.
In any case, I'm thinking it over. I'll let you know.
These are the players in my life, all sharing the same stage.
7 comments:
I hope you keep blogging. Your blog does make a difference.
I think your "serious personal stuff" is essential to this dialog for the rest of us to read and learn and understand.
As you change your ways of communicating your feelings about this "serious stuff", even if it is in a different format, please know that your unique and personal voice is very much appreciated and at least for this reader, is very much needed.
I agree with MoHoHawaii. I'm sure many will continue to be inspired and learn from your blog. I can understand your need for privacy though, especially from those who know you personally, so perhaps you could compromise by deleting or editing the posts that you or Jonah feel uncomfortable sharing. As for future posts, I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that I don't want to lose your insight. :)
I'm in agreement with MoHoHawaii. I hope you keep it - it makes a difference.
Please don't give it up. I think there are many that would like blogs such as yours to disappear if your cage gets rattled enough. Many in the church want it to just disappear and pushed back in the closet along with all the other skeletons. You may wish to be cautions how much of your personal life gets involved in it though.
I still await the day when I get an invitation to attend a "court of love," assuming the big brother of the church is still following my whereabouts.
I have just found your blog (not a blog reader, just searching for help) and I have gone back and read it all and now you are quiting. Please dont. Some of us still need your guidance. You are an inspiration to us in your shoes.
It's funny how a lot of people are afraid of performing for strangers, but with bloggers it's the opposite. When I first acquired people that I knew as visitors rather than strangers, I thought I would quit, too. There's a new challenge in not having anonymity, but I think it'll make you a stronger writer/thinker. Keep writing things you'd be proud for anyone to see. I don't see anything that you should be ashamed of.
And if you want to add musings to the mix, all the better, just don't lose the heart of your unique perspective: it matters.
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