Thoughts From My Sister

My older sister reads my blog. Yesterday I received this email from her (which she said I could post):

I don't see your gayism as a sin - it's not something you chose. You developed a love for [Jonah] and you became happy. Happier than you've ever been in your life. And God wants you to be happy. Otherwise he wouldn't have put you in that situation. But I guess you already know that.

The Spirit can be felt by one who is not a member of the Church - so why cannot a non member also deliver? Your voice has always been a strong attribute, and you do invite the Spirit when you sing. And people are going to know that. And that is a good thing.

Why did Ruby Bridges have to be escorted to an empty classroom and spend lunch by herself. It was part of the movement. Not a path she chose - but one that was necessary for the black race. Maybe you are the Ruby Bridges of the same sex attraction - those that don't choose - the attraction is there - and it's genuine. I think you are a great example to sooo many people. People LOVE you. People you don't even know. Some people you would assume not know. Some people you wish didn't know you - but they admire you. And there will be conflict: "Why would the bishop have permit [Cody] to sing if he knew his background?" but that will be their problem, not yours. While some become stiffnecked about it (or more stiffnecked) others will admire you even more.

You are happy. Admitance and acceptance have helped you. It's a shame not everyone has that. It's a shame that so many are shamed because of feelings that they can't control - that you can't control.

We are all dealt packages - no two are the same. ...And I think you have done a beautiful job of working things out.

This was my response:

Unfortunately, there are many in the world (and in the Church) who do see acting on one's gay feelings as a sin. Leaders of the Church still teach that. But as you've said, it is not a choice (at least, it sure has never felt like one), and that is what troubles me. At my heart, I still believe the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is Christ's church on earth, and yet this particular facet of my life (which is a very vital one) does not match up with what the LDS Church teaches. I do not know why this is, and I guess it doesn't really matter since I feel very at peace with my standing and relationship with God, but I do not understand the seeming contradiction, and I know so many gay people who fought for so long to not be gay who simply couldn't do it. Unlike me, some of those people have grown bitter and angry towards either God or their religion because they felt betrayed for being told if they had enough faith or just worked hard enough, they could "beat" their homosexual feelings. Others have lost their belief in God completely and consider themselves atheists. Others tried getting married because that's what their religion required of them and ended up leaving shattered wives (and in some cases, children) when it didn't work out. Others have remained true to their faith and some are even in marriages, but seem unfulfilled or incomplete or lonely. Still others feel unworthy or guilty or depressed because of their inability to balance what they feel as far as their sexuality is concerned with what their religion teaches them. It's all very sad to me, and I don't understand why it must be that way.

Nor do I understand why, if I'm practicing something in my life that goes against what a religion I believe in teaches, am I so much happier now than I was when I was trying hard to do what I was taught. But I know that anybody who knows me well would agree that I am, indeed, happier.

I guess maybe it's just one of those mysteries we won't understand until some later time. I remember spending years wondering why God "cursed" me with homosexual feelings and wondering why, since I was trying so hard to do exactly what he said I should do, none of it was working. Now I no longer care why I'm gay. I just know I am, and like I said, the whys and wherefores don't matter anyway because I feel in my heart that God is happy that I am happy, and as far as I am concerned, God's opinion outweighs that of any man.

I agree with what you said about the Spirit. I once thought that if I was excommunicated, I might lose the Spirit, but I don't believe that at all. I've felt it many, many times since I was, and I know I've shared it as well. I think you're definitely right that the Spirit will be present when I sing (as it has often been).

I hope I am a good example. I try to be. A big fear of mine is I don't ever want to do anything that would lead anybody astray or away from God. I hope I never do.

Thanks for your words. They mean a lot. ...I agree with you: I think I have done a pretty fine job of working things out. Coming out, taking the chance on a relationship with [Jonah], getting excommunicated; these were all scary things to do when I did them, but the blessings and rewards of doing so have been so unimaginably awesome. [One of my good friends] said, "Coming out was the single most difficult decision I have ever made and the most honest thing I have ever done." I understand completely what he means.

I love you very much. Thank you for your love and support in my life. It is invaluable.

Love,

[Cody]

My sister also sent me this email in response to my puzzle post:

I was laughing at your frustration - understanding it - expecting an anology. I foresee one. You have finally put the puzzle pieces together in your own life - perhaps not all of them - but the picture is there; you are strong enough to hold it together. It is too bad that there are so many who allow people to interfer when others come along and mess up the remaining pieces that were so neatly compiled - even during your struggles you were always able to identify your next move - it may have taken longer when your pieces were moved or misplaced. But even when you have felt out of control, I think you have had more control than you have allowed yourself to believe . . .

We all struggle in one way or another. Joseph Smith had to physically wrestle in darkness until Heavenly Father appeared to him. And we all wonder why Heavenly Father doesn't pull us out sooner - why centuries of people waited so long for the Messiah to come and had literrally left the earth centuries before he arrived. There is a Christian song I listen to often. Unfortunately I don't have record of the author - but the name of the artist is Casting Crowns. And these are the lyrics:

I was sure by now God you would have reached down

And wiped our tears away stepped in and saved the day

But once again I say Amen and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls I barely hear you whisper through the rain

I’m with you and as your mercy falls I raise my hands and

praise the God who gives and takes away

And I praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands that

you are who you are

No matter where I am and every tear I cry you

hold in your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn,

I will praise you in the storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry

You raised me up again strength is almost gone

How can I carry on if I can’t find you

As the thunder rolls I barely hear you whisper through the rain

I’m with you and as your mercy falls I raise my hands and

praise the God who gives and takes away

And I praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands that

you are who you are

No matter where I am and

every tear I cry you hold in your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn,

I will praise you in the storm

I lift my eyes into the hill

Where does my help come from

My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth

My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth

You can quote me on anything that you'd like for your blog. And when/if you make it public you can use my name. I'm not ashamed. I can handle it. Paul received riducule. Jesus Christ. Different crosses to bear - but we can bear them together. I love you.

Thanks, sis. I love you, too.