Thursday, June 09, 2011

Memories of Rent

I went and saw some friends in a production of Rent. It was a decent production. Some performances were really quite impressive. I wasn't as wowed by it as I had hoped. In some areas I felt they held back when they needed to let go more. But it was enjoyable nonetheless.

I was actually reminded of the last time I saw Rent (which was also my first time seeing it). It was early in my relationship with Jonah a little more than five years ago. It's hard to believe it's only been that long. It seems like a lifetime and a different person ago.

I remember that night was hard. I was still very much struggling with my feelings for Jonah, and he sensed that I was going to call our relationship off because I couldn't reconcile my testimony of the LDS Church with my feelings for him. He broke down in tears and was quite a mess, and I felt terrible.

I remember being in love with him so much, but just not sure I could pursue it. I put Jonah through a lot of grief and turmoil during our first year and a half together. It's a wonder sometimes that he stuck by me and put up with my wishy-washiness. It's a true testament to his character.

I wrote some of my thoughts about that night in a post long ago, some of which I've included here:

Jonah and I went to see [Rent] tonight. I was feeling crummy because I felt like I was going to have to tell Jonah that I didn't think I could be with him after all, and Jonah seemed down because he sensed it, too (I told you, Jonah is like that; it's like he is so in tune he already knows things. It's a little creepy sometimes (in a good way)).

Anyway, Jonah and I had quite a talk tonight. Again, no pressure from Jonah. He did make it clear he wants to be with me, but said he would understand and respect my choice if I choose otherwise. I said that I just didn't think I could give up what I know to be true. We had a really nice talk. He is such a loving and supportive person, and, most of all, a wonderful friend. Anyway, Jonah had been inspired that the two of us should pray together, and that what we should pray for most of all is that we have peace. And when Jonah is inspired to do something, I feel it's best to follow through. He prayed first, and I prayed second. The Spirit was quite strong, I felt.

So now I'm home. I just said a private prayer. Basically I said, "Heavenly Father, just tell me what to do. Whatever you want, I'll do it. You want me to leave Jonah, I'll do it. You want me to be with him, I'll do it. Just please tell me so I can do it, because I am so confused right now, and Jonah and I are feeling too much turmoil in our hearts because of this situation."

Still waiting on a solid answer. Whatever it is, I just hope I feel at peace with it.

I am forever grateful that those days of confusion are in the past and even more grateful that I chose to be with Jonah. It is one of the best decisions I ever made in my life. The happiness I feel in my relationship is so much better than the misery, loneliness, and confusion I felt in life prior to choosing to be with him. I am forever grateful, and I'm glad that seeing Rent this evening reminds me of where I once was and how happy I am to be where I am now.


Elder said...

I'm pretty sure he's not based on older posts I've read, but I thought it was worth asking anyway: is Jonah a Mormon? And when you prayed together (at his behest), who said the prayer?

Gay LDS Actor said...

Jonah comes from a Pentecostal background, but isn't practicing. As I recall, we each said a prayer. I think I went first, and he went second.