Sunday, April 08, 2012

Back In Utah...And Not So Content



After being unemployed for three months, I now have two acting jobs in Utah that will keep me employed at least for the next five months. For a working actor this is truly a gift. On top of that, the first show I am doing is a show I have wanted to do for years, and I have a really fun featured role in it. Normally when I am acting I am so excited and happy and fulfilled, and when I'm unemployed I tend to get depressed; so when an acting job comes up, I am normally very happy. And I am. But I'm not.

These past three months with Jonah have, unfortunately, been the longest consecutive amount of time we have spent together since our commitment ceremony. My job usually takes me away from him for months at a time with only a couple of days here and there to spend time together. It hasn't been enough, so although being unemployed kind of sucked financially (although thank goodness for unemployment benefits, otherwise I would likely be broke), these three months with Jonah have been WONDERFUL relationship-wise.

There are things Jonah does that drive me crazy, and I know there are things I do that that drive him nuts (and perhaps I'll talk about those things in a future post), but I love him so incredibly much. It sounds cliche, but I feel like he is truly a part of me.

As I was preparing to leave him again, I was thinking about what the LDS teaches about my relationship with Jonah; that it is a sin and that the two of us will not be together as a united couple in the afterlife, and that thought made me so very sad. Is it true? I do not pretend to know, but what I do know is this: Jonah is one of the best people who has ever been a part of my life, and I love him so very much. My life would be empty without him. My life in many ways was empty before I met and fell in love with him. He is a part of me. To lose him would be incredibly unfair.

I realized these past three months our house has finally started to feel like my home instead of Utah. Utah has always been my home no matter where else I've lived, and I always refer to it as home. And it always will feel like home. But my real home is with Jonah. My life is with Jonah, and I'd like to do more to make it be more permanent. My acting career does make that tough, but it's an ideal I'd like to shoot for.

And so here I am back in Utah and feeling sad that I have to be away from the guy I love for almost half a year. In two words, it sucks.

My mom is thrilled I'm back, and I think my siblings are equally excited that I am back. My brother hugged me today and said he was grateful the "golden child" was back (so named because my mom, who has dementia, seems to respond to me the best when we're trying to get her to do something she doesn't want to do).

But just in the last two days alone I have been reminded once again how wearing it can be to deal with Mom's dementia. And we all agree she's getting worse. Just today, she didn't seem to have any recollection that I was excommunicated, for example, which seems to be a pretty big thing to forget. She's also forgotten how to arm and disarm her security system, something she did fine before I left at Christmas-time. And, of course, the most frustrating part is dealing with someone who doesn't think they are impaired in any way. It can be exhausting. But I know it has been exhausting for my siblings as well, so it's good to be back to take some of the load until I go back home again.

Anyway, I start rehearsals for my show tomorrow. I'm sure once I get into the groove of working and acting again I will forget how sad I feel right now.

Perhaps one of my saddest moments was waking up half-asleep this morning and not understanding where Jonah was or trying to find my cat who normally sleeps by my side and then being conscious of the fact that my double bed is smaller than the king-size bed Jonah and I share, and then realizing the reason why: I was not home with him at all, but was in my room in my mom's house. Jonah said he had a similar moment coming home from work last night and wondering where my car was and then realizing that I had left to go back to Utah.

Saying goodbye to Jonah and our three cats (who truly feel like my children) was especially tough. At least Jonah understands where I'm going and when I'll be back. Those poor cats have no idea why I leave, why I'm gone for so long, and when or if I'm returning. Our oldest cat, Trooper, who adores me, always seems to know when I'm leaving even before I've started packing and gets very sullen and sad and acts out a lot after I've gone. I truly fear I'm emotionally traumatizing her.

Today was my nephew's baby blessing. I had never seen him in the flesh, so that was nice. I was not prepared for how much it hurt not to be able to join my brother, brothers-in-law, and nephews in blessing him. I didn't even think about it until it happened. Everyone got up to participate in the ordinance, and I just sat there feeling sad. That's when Mom, who forgot I'd been excommunicated, asked me why I wasn't up there.

And, yes, I am fully aware my own choices have precluded me from having any priesthood authority and have barred me from participating in any priesthood functions. But I sat there watching my brother-in-law bless his son (which was a very beautiful blessing, by the way) and wondering why my relationship with my husband makes me so unworthy to not be able to take part in the blessing of my nephew. Why is the fact that I have a sexual relationship with my spouse so abominable? I fail to understand, and I still have yet to hear a satisfactory answer that rings true to my heart.

And then after the blessing and the sacrament, people started bearing their testimonies, and again I felt more sadness that I could not participate and wondered how it is that someone who has so much to share and who does have a testimony of so many things that might be of edification to others or might help them feel the spirit can be denied simply because the love he has for someone of the same sex is deemed to be sinful. I fail to understand that as well.

I admit that with the feelings of sadness, there was just a tinge of anger, a feeling I do not experience very often regarding my lack of participation in the Church. And yet, there it was, rearing its ugly head.

My brother-in-law gave a lovely testimony about how he never thought he would be a father; how five years ago he was happy, but had resigned himself to the fact that he wouldn't have children in this life. And then he met my sister, and now he has two, and one can tell just how grateful and happy he is to have these two precious children.

He talked about how his daughter was named after his first wife, who died, and who my sister wanted to honor (which tells you just what kind of person my sister is) and how his son was named after my father. My brother-in-law didn't care for my father's name, and originally my sister wanted to name the baby Scott because she liked the name. The more she thought about it, however, the more she realized she didn't want to name her child Scott simply because she liked it; she wanted it to mean something, and when she told my brother-in-law this, he knew that they needed to name him after my dad, and he talked about how his two kids are named after people who have passed on, but that he feels like they are present protecting his family. I feel he is right.

Then a bunch of kids got up and bore their "by rote" testimonies. Cute, but it also made me wonder, "Do these kids really know the things they are saying are true, or are they just spouting what they've heard and been taught?" I don't think it's bad for kids to do that; I think it helps them develop a testimony. But I also think some of these kids don't yet have the maturity to really know what they say they know is true is true. I think there are some that do, but others I think are just making rote statements.

One guy who I'm am 99% sure was gay - at least he made my gaydar go off big time - talked about the atonement, and I liked what he had to say, but I also was thinking, "If that guy is indeed gay, he's got a road ahead of him."

On lady talked about how great the plan of happiness was, and I caught myself thinking perhaps with that residual anger, "Yeah, the plan of happiness the Church teaches is great if you don't happen to be gay." I always remember how the "plan of happiness" used to make me feel so left out and alone. I feel pretty happy now, though, but according to the Church, I have deviated from the plan.

As I held my newborn nephew as the testimonies continued, I was watching him sleep, and I felt this feeling of how great it would be to have a child. Jonah and I agreed not to have children when we got together (mostly because I didn't want them), but with the births of my nieces and nephew and even the love I've developed for my cats, who I also didn't want at first, my attitudes are softening somewhat on that front. I've always been kind of selfish, and I think having a child makes you be less selfish, and I also think it's one of the things that you can do in life that helps you understand God more. Anyway, I've been thinking about it. I know Jonah would like to.

My sister talked about how grateful she is to have her children; that even when they leave her feeling frazzled, they are so worth it.

My other sister, who used to belong to that ward, talked about how much she missed it, and how she missed the youth, something that's missing from her somewhat geriatric ward.

An older gentleman kiddingly chided her, though, saying, "What's wrong with being 70?" He gave a very moving testimony on the meaning of Easter, a point that had been earlier stressed by a kid bearing his testimony saying Easter wasn't just about the candy. I wish I could remember the older man's words. Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe it was just the spirit I felt as he said those words that helped remind me what my Savior has done and continues to do for me through His atonement; that it is a gift that is offered to and affects everyone in positive ways whether they realize it or not.

It was a good meeting, but there were moments of sadness. No regrets, though. I still maintain that I am where I am supposed to be and know that I am happier with Jonah than I was without him. My only regret, really, is that I'm not with him right now.

I am enormously blessed. Jonah and I are enormously blessed. I am grateful he is in my life and I know he feels the same about me. I am already counting the days until I can be with him again.

---sigh---

15 comments:

ca said...

Thank you for this post. I'd like to say (as I have before) that I love the testimony I get from your posts, and I'm glad that, although you cannot share it from the pew, you can share it here.

I'm married to a nonmember, and I know it's not quite the same because there are avenues in current Church theology by which we could be together in the afterlife, but I do get sad sometimes when they talk about eternal families, because I don't have one by the Church's teachings, so I do get what you're saying. And it's the same thing -- I love my husband so much, and I feel we are true partners.

I've been reading lately about women who feel sad because they can't be involved in blessing their children, but their husbands can. I think it must be even worse when you would ordinarily have been able to do so, but because of something you do not think is wrong, you can't do so. I'm sorry that things are hard.

I hope they get better. I can't imagine being apart from my husband for months at a time!

And, wow, your sister is *so* awesome. (Is this the same one who posted about you in her blog?)

Gay LDS Actor said...

Thanks for your thoughts, ca.

There are so many (part member families, single people, gay people) that don't always fit in the perfect Mormon package that is sometimes presented to us in Sunday School lessons or over the pulpit. And it can make those people feel sad or left out.

My younger sister who named her kids after her husband's first wife and my dad is not the same as the one (my older sister) who posted about me. But they are equally awesome. My younger sister even told my brother-in-law before they got married that if he had a problem with my being gay, that would pose a problem. He didn't, and they are married now. She didn't have to do that, but I was always incredibly touched that she did.

I'm glad I can share my testimony here, too. It's one of the venues I have to do so.

LCannon said...

I bawled as I read your words. So often I think of Brent Yorgensen's "The Monument" (postlude to Charlie's Monument) when I read so many of your posts. And I know Jonah makes you happy. And I know sometimes you feel left out.
Now it is even more important for me to have you there at Jenna's baptism. You might not be able to be in the circle with everyone else - but you will have the opportunity to invite the Spirit with your voice. I am so grateful that you are still allowed to sing.
I am so sorry for the sadness. I get it. I've been there. Still am at times. I hate feeling excluded. But more than that I hate not being myself.

Gay LDS Actor said...

Thinker, I got the comments you sent me and I WOULD like to publish them. I think they are worth posting and could create a good dialogue. But I realize they are more personal, so I will only publish them with your permission. Please let me know, and thanks.

Either way, I will respond to them. If you don't want them published, just put your email address in a comment (I promise I won't publish THAT.)

Gay LDS Actor said...

Thinker sent me the following comments in response to this post, but felt they might be a bit long. Long or not, I felt them worth posting. I have edited a few things, but not much:

"Hi Cody,

"This 'Back in Utah...' post has left me in tears. I have become hardened in some ways over the last few years. But for some reason you and your words end up finding my heart every time. I sometimes wish your feelings didn't affect me so much, but, oh my gosh, they do! I don't know if it is your story/experience, your writing, your understanding of life, your living testimony in spite of all or more. I honestly can't tell you how I even found your blog, but I don't think it was an accident... I will think about you during the week and hope you are doing ok. I worry about your mom and your family (by the way, what are the doctors saying since it was determined it is not Alzheimer's and they were going to do more testing?). I am happy and excited for you and Jonah as you learn about each other and the crazy experience we call marriage. I found myself wondering what you would think about certain conference talks, about the Youtube video from the BYU SSA group, if you believe the LDS church will ever accept same sex relationships and marriage (your post about it posed a question, but I didn't see your answer in that really, or the complications that would arise if it did--ie those of us that would leave a current marriage to be with the person of the same sex that we love).

This post was so hard for me because it mentioned some of the very things I am most afraid of: having to stand on the outside of life. It brings up for me all the things I don't understand. Like you, my testimony of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ is so real. Though different, I have had those undeniable experiences where I cannot doubt. I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the church that was established by Jesus Christ on the earth today. Again, like you, I don't know all things regarding it, but I know that our Savior has to work with we mortals and that can't always be easy. :)

Gay LDS Actor said...

"So how does it all work together? I know, from experiences and serving a mission and studying, that the Holy Ghost testifies of truth and truth is eternal. When something is true and right, the Spirit confirms that, no matter what religion a person is, because truth itself is eternal and not bound to any mortal thing---it is eternal. People are led and guided by the Holy Ghost even if they are not members of the Church. I believe there are blessing that are different in being confirmed, but the Holy Ghost has a mission on the earth that is different and broader than just being confined to one religion.

"So how does it all fit? Your spirit is strong, Cody. Your morals and values are real and intact. You continue to grow and change, soften and set aside the 'natural man' (ie overcoming your selfishness, growing in your marriage, starting to consider children, loving others more, etc.) Your love and devotion to family is central in your life. Your determination to still hold on to the Gospel in some way over these last few years and to still continue to attend church frequently in spite of all that you cannot do there is the thing that gives me the greatest strength and courage...and yet in this post, it gave me the most pain. I share your feelings of disappointed, confused anger. Like I said, it is my greatest fear and one of the things that holds me back the most from making different decisions in my life: standing on the outside. When my kids go on missions and get married, how could I stand on the outside of the temple? How could I not comment in class? (I've seen investigators comment and non-member family members attending with church members comment.) How could I feel the Spirit and not testify of that? How could I not be allowed to teach (my favorite calling!)?

"How can something/someone who fills you and brings such joy to your life and helps create and inspire in you a better person and completes you and and and, be so wrong? How can love that lifts, inspires, grows, changes, moves forward, gives peace, and so many positive things be wrong because of anatomy? How can two people be put into each other's lives, seemingly by a Providential Hand, and have everything be so positive and growing year after year after year and yet it be wrong. I see so many unhappily married people. Yes, they are married in the temple and have a current temple recommend, but there is no way that can be an eternal marriage! The misery and bitterness and unhappiness cannot be sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise, I don't believe, regardless of the temple sealing. Those blessings are predicated upon actions---something we never seem to remember as members of the church.

Gay LDS Actor said...

"I think back on things you have written and one day I thought about the prodigal son. We all love to look at that story from our advantage point, don't we? For me, I thought about it in a way that I never had before when I was thinking about you. When the son wanted to go out on his own, the Father let him. I don't believe that the Father had any malice towards that son. He didn't want him to go out and squander his inheritance and be miserable. Did the Father want his son to stay home and be wise and wait to be more mature and see things better in the future, etc.? Probably. But, I can't believe that Father, if he was a good and righteous father, wanted his son to be unhappy. Like you mentioned so long ago when you were making your decisions about what you would do, you felt our Heavenly Father wanted you to be happy. If the prodigal son had gone out and done well and come back happy and 'rich' (in whatever way rich was for him) and fulfilled, the Father would not have been disappointed. I don't believe he ever wished anything but the best for his son. He spent the rest of those days and years watching for him to return. I'm sure he must have prayed that his son had found happiness, success, peace...or whatever he was searching for.

"Like you, I don't know what things after this life will be like. But I believe you are 100% right that our Heavenly Father wants us to be happy--here and there. EVERYONE is a prodigal son. We all left home. Some will choose never to return. Some will try to return in various states of disrepair. Some will return with increased talents/inheritances. Some will return having found happiness---however that may end up looking. Riches, land, inheritances, etc. may not be for everyone. But I've never known a decent parent who was unhappy that their child was happy--honestly, truly, happy. And happiness isn't the same for every person. I believe that as long as you are living the Gospel (and that isn't exclusive to the LDS church, but the Gospel as taught by Jesus) of Christ and doing your best to love and serve others as your brothers and sisters, that you will be blessed in the ways He can bless you and that you will find happiness.

Gay LDS Actor said...

"I think back on things you have written and one day I thought about the prodigal son. We all love to look at that story from our advantage point, don't we? For me, I thought about it in a way that I never had before when I was thinking about you. When the son wanted to go out on his own, the Father let him. I don't believe that the Father had any malice towards that son. He didn't want him to go out and squander his inheritance and be miserable. Did the Father want his son to stay home and be wise and wait to be more mature and see things better in the future, etc.? Probably. But, I can't believe that Father, if he was a good and righteous father, wanted his son to be unhappy. Like you mentioned so long ago when you were making your decisions about what you would do, you felt our Heavenly Father wanted you to be happy. If the prodigal son had gone out and done well and come back happy and 'rich' (in whatever way rich was for him) and fulfilled, the Father would not have been disappointed. I don't believe he ever wished anything but the best for his son. He spent the rest of those days and years watching for him to return. I'm sure he must have prayed that his son had found happiness, success, peace...or whatever he was searching for.

"Like you, I don't know what things after this life will be like. But I believe you are 100% right that our Heavenly Father wants us to be happy--here and there. EVERYONE is a prodigal son. We all left home. Some will choose never to return. Some will try to return in various states of disrepair. Some will return with increased talents/inheritances. Some will return having found happiness---however that may end up looking. Riches, land, inheritances, etc. may not be for everyone. But I've never known a decent parent who was unhappy that their child was happy--honestly, truly, happy. And happiness isn't the same for every person. I believe that as long as you are living the Gospel (and that isn't exclusive to the LDS church, but the Gospel as taught by Jesus) of Christ and doing your best to love and serve others as your brothers and sisters, that you will be blessed in the ways He can bless you and that you will find happiness.

Gay LDS Actor said...

"Thank you for not pretending to know the answers. Thank you for not making yourself an exception. I wish, oh how I wish, we knew the answers...but we don't, do we? One of the things that I have loved and respected you for the most is your complete willingness to take and accept the responsibility for your choices and the consequences that come with those. Right now those consequences seem very, very hard--not being able to be sealed to Jonah, not being able to participate in your nephew's blessing, not being able to be a member ('technically speaking' only, as far as I'm concerned) and participate in church. But even in this post, there is no bitterness or regret that I can detect. Wishing? Lack of understanding? Hope for things to be different? Sadness that you are excluded from those things for reasons that don't make good sense to you or me (or many others)? Absolutely. But always, personal responsibility and integrity.

"Cody, honey, I love you. It sounds foolish to say that in some ways since I don't really know you, but, I love the person I see in your blog and the thoughts that are of your soul. I love the way you are living your life and trying to stay true to the things you have a testimony of. I love watching you grow with Jonah. You have gone from missing him but not really feeling it so much, to finding that a part of you is missing and the void is unfillable. You are well aware of your faults, selfish tendencies, introverted nature (LOVED that blog and definition by the way), etc and you are continuing to evaluate those and change and grow. You are aware of your divinity and your blessings and you continue to be grateful for all you do have and are careful not to stay focused on what you don't have (an example I am trying so hard to follow). You have done such a fabulous job of documenting your journey and staying true to you. You have let us see much of your struggle and have never claimed that you are more or less than you are. You are an authentic, courageous person.

"I'm excited for you to be working again, but I'm so sorry you will be away from Jonah. After having such positive time together, the time apart will seem so much more excruciating, even with work. Going to throw a quote your way that I find describes love so perfectly: I don't love you because I need you; I need you because I love you.

Gay LDS Actor said...

"I believe in you, Cody. I appreciate your voice and life more than I can say.

"I will be thinking of you as you find your way with your mom again in that changing landscape of aging and dementia. Take care of yourself in the midst of all of that. It gets so very hard and draining no matter how very much you love them. Pray for the strength and the ability to see her world from her mind. It helps in coping with the changes and challenges.

"Hold tight to Jonah. I can only imagine how lonely he feels. You left again and are having newer, different adventures...he is left behind with your memory, smell, cats, and the home you two are building...but no you, and a different family network of support. Remember the little things and that Jonah is more sentimental than you are. Reminders of your love and devotion to him will help him more than you may understand.

"Keep holding on, Cody. No pressure, here...but some days I am holding on to you to keep going! :)

"With love,
"Thinker"

Gay LDS Actor said...

My response:

"My dear Thinker,

Your comments deeply touched me, and I’m glad to hear that mine have touched you. If my blog can have a positive influence on just one person, it is worth it. Jonah and I don’t believe in coincidences, and so I agree that it was probably no accident you stumbled across my blog. Maybe it is something you have needed. It sounds like it anyway.

"In answer to your question about my mom, she is on some different medication and taking different doses. We are trying to monitor her blood sugar very closely to make sure the medication is working properly and to see if her sugar levels are having any effect on her memory and judgment issues. She’s supposed to see the doctor in about two and a half months to determine that. If that isn’t the problem, he will probably have her go to the Alzheimer center for further testing.

"I actually didn’t get to see as much of Conference as I would have liked to, but I hope to catch up again by watching some of it or reading the talks in the Ensign when it comes out. I did very much enjoy Jeffrey R. Holland’s talk about envy. I also typically like Dieter F. Uchtdorf’s talks in general. It seems that Richard R. Scott’s talk on revelation was interesting to me, too. I’d have to reread it, I think.

"I thought the BYU YouTube video was very brave on the parts of the participants, very well-executed, and it shows that attitudes are changing. Even if YouTube technology had existed at the time, I can’t imagine that such a video could ever have been made in the 70s or 80s at BYU at all, for example.

"The answer to your question, if I believe the LDS Church will ever accept same-sex unions, the answer is, 'I do not know.' I really don’t. I’d like to believe they will, but I also can see how it might damage its credibility. Regarding this issue, I think the Church is at a point where it’s 'damned-if-they-do, damned-if-they-don’t.' Still, I think the world at large is progressing in its attitudes toward homosexuality, and if the Church doesn’t progress along with it, its leaders may face some problems.

Gay LDS Actor said...

"I feel your pain when you talk about my original post bringing up some of the things you are most afraid of. You ask how the truthfulness of the Church works in correspondence with a situation like mine that is seemingly at odds with it (or so that’s what I believe you are asking). The truth is, I don’t know. I do, however, know that God knows how it all works, and that is sufficient to me. It takes faith and trust to believe that, but that is how I feel.

"What I am learning in my journey is that God and his ways are bigger than any church, including the LDS Church, which I also still believe is his established church on earth today. By choosing my relationship with Jonah, my going against some of the things that church teaches doesn’t mean the Church isn’t true. What it does mean is that my Father in Heaven my needs and my situation better than anyone, and I feel I am doing what is needful, and I feel He is okay with that, and how everything else works out will be worked out when it needs to be worked out.

"The thing is, Heavenly Father’s perspective of each of his children and their needs is greater than anybody’s. He sees the whole plan and how it will all unfold, and I trust that what I am doing with my own life is exactly what I am supposed to be doing according to the plan. I guess what I’m saying is just because the church’s teachings and what I have felt revealed in my own heart seemingly contradict each other right now, it doesn’t mean they really do or that they always will.

"God knows each person’s abilities, circumstances, needs, and hearts, and deals accordingly. This is how I felt He is dealt with me, and I am learning what I need to learn and how I need to learn it based on my own circumstances. So it is with each of his children.

"Like you say, truth is eternal no matter where you find it. Truth is truth, and when the Spirit confirms what it true, we know it. Just as I know Jesus is the Christ, just as I know that my Father loves me; just as I know I received a testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I know my love for Jonah is real and that I am supposed to be with him right now, and no one else can tell me that those things aren’t true for my life and my situation and that I know that through a Heavenly Father that knows me and my heart better than anyone.

Gay LDS Actor said...

"I believe in my heart that I living the life my Father has blessed me with to the best of my ability, and all our Father requires of us is our best – no more, no less. And because I feel I am doing the best job I can under my own personal circumstances, I feel blessed for those efforts; in my life, in my relationship with Jonah, in my career, in my progression. And isn’t that what life is really all about – becoming more like our Father in Heaven?

"Although my path is on a different trajectory than what is considered acceptable within the confines of the LDS Church, I still feel I am learning the lessons that need to be learned and growing in ways necessary to help me follow Christ’s example better. God knows how to reach my soul better than anybody, and the path I am on right now has certainly been more valuable in some ways than the path I was on before I found Jonah. That isn’t to say that the path I was on before wasn’t valuable or what I needed at the time; but where I am now is what I need now, and that knowledge is how I reconcile any seeming contradictions.

"But you’re right, standing on the outside is not always easy – missing my niece’s temple wedding; not being able to bless my nephew; not being able to bear my testimony in Sacrament Meeting; not being able to comment in class; my name missing from the rolls of the Church; etc. – these can be painful things, but I also accept that my own choices have put me where I am. I can complain all I want about the Church needing to change, but the fact is, as it stands now, no one put me where I am right now except me, and I own that. Nor I do not regret it. In spite of a few painful inconveniences, I am happy with where I am.

"Each person needs to decide where they truly want to be and what they are willing to sacrifice being there. For some gay people, staying in the Church and being celibate or in a mixed-orientation marriage is what they are willing to do. For others, abandoning the Church completely is what they need to do. For others, like me, we try to find a balance between the two. What matters is what we have sacrificed and whether we’re willing to own and accept that. The gay person who is celibate or in a mixed-orientation marriage may sacrifice a more fulfilling or desirable relationship at the expense of being obedient to the teachings of the LDS Church. The person who leaves the Church sacrifices the community and some of the teachings or values that might benefit him or her at the expense of leaving a religion that no longer works for them. People like me might sacrifice full participation and membership (and in others’ eyes, eternal life) at the expense of having a fulfilling relationship. Everything costs something; we just need to be willing to pay whatever is required to get what is needful.

Gay LDS Actor said...

"It’s that way in any facet of life – a person might sacrifice a career to be a better parent or sacrifice raising their children well to have a career; a person might sacrifice good health to smoke or drink heavily or sacrifice their sweet tooth to eat more healthily; etc. It all comes down to what we really want (or what we think we want) and what we’re willing to pay for it.

"It’s like the scripture in Alma 32 where he compares the word of God with a seed. You can know if a seed is good if it bears good fruit. My relationship with Jonah is obviously bearing good fruit for me, so I am convinced it is good. And that’s what each of us have to learn for ourselves – what 'seeds' are good for us, and the only way we can find out is if we experiment with that seed. For example, I know some people who left the church for a homosexual relationship, and it didn’t make them happy. So they knew that 'seed' didn’t bear good fruit for them. But this 'seed' has born terrific fruit for me.

"I think your thoughts about the Prodigal Son are apropos. I, too, think our Father only wants our happiness. Some people disagree about what gives people happiness, but I am convinced that my Father is happy I am happy…and I truly am. I completely agree with your statement, '…as long as you are living the Gospel (and that isn't exclusive to the LDS church, but the Gospel as taught by Jesus) of Christ and doing your best to love and serve others as your brothers and sisters, …you will be blessed in the ways He can bless you and that you will find happiness.'

"It’s true that I don’t know all the answers, and I think some of the most dangerous people are the ones who believe they do. Even the prophets and apostles have never claimed to know all the answers. Answers come when they need to come.

Gay LDS Actor said...

"I’ve said many times in my blog that I refuse to be one of those people who become angry or bitter. It’s pointless as far as I am concerned. As I said, I own my choices. I am on exactly the journey I am meant to be on, and so, no, there are no regrets. I could die today and feel very little, if any regret, and I think that’s a very awesome place to be.

"Thank you for your love. I appreciate it. Thank you for your support and words. They truly do mean a lot.

"I love the quote: 'I don't love you because I need you; I need you because I love you.' It’s very fitting.

"There are a lot of golden nuggets to be found in your words... They were from your heart.

"Thanks for thinking of me and Jonah and my mom. It is very kind of you.

"With love,

"Cody"