Monday, November 04, 2013

A Dream Deferred? Nah!

Langston Hughes famous poem says:

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

A year ago yesterday I performed in my last show.  While I still consider what I presently do to be an acting job, I have not actually been on stage in a scripted show for a year.

A year ago I made the decision to spend more time with my husband, to leave the pressures of taking care of my mother full-time in somebody else's hands, to move from my long-time home of Utah permanently, and to take a hiatus from full-time acting.

It was time.

What's very strange is I have been shocked...absolutely how much I don't seem to miss acting.

When I told Jonah I was taking an acting break, he told me he didn't want me to settle or just work some job I didn't like just to remain closer to him.

Acting was, is, and has ever been a huge part of my life.  It's always been my dream to perform for a living, and truth be told, up until a year ago, I was making a pretty decent living as an actor and doing all sorts of great parts in great shows.  In fact, my very last role and show was one of the greatest theatrical experiences I have ever had, and if it were the last on stage show I ever did, I would consider it an extremely wonderful note to go out on.

In February of last year, when I was still unemployed, I started to write a post about the above poem and was asking myself if I was deferring my long life dream of acting.

I wrote,

"I think many actors, who tend to be an insecure lot in general, sometimes feel the way I'm feeling right now.  I tend to get this way when I'm unemployed from my acting career for an extended period of time.  I've only been unemployed for 3 1/2 months, but it feels like an eternity.

"Anyway, the way I'm feeling (and which is totally irrational) is that the best days of my acting career are behind me." 

That's as far as I got.  Now that I am employed and doing something somewhat related to my acting career, I feel differently.

I like my present job and I love being home with my husband.  I love not having to hustle for the next acting gig and I like the relative security of my current job.  I like the benefits that come with my job, and I am still entertaining people, so I haven't really given up acting.  But it's not the same, and I do get paid less.  But I really don't mind.

I am happy.

My life has ever been consumed with acting.  I thought I would miss acting on stage so, so much.  Every once in a while, an audition will come up, and I feel a yearning, but it passes relatively quickly.  For the most part, I don't have any strong inklings to get back on stage nor do I have any great regrets.

I have not given up acting, and I'm sure I will be back on stage again one day.  If ever I become unsatisfied with my current job or should my current job end, I will cross that bridge.  Right now, I like what I'm doing and am glad it afford me the opportunity to be with Jonah.  I do miss my family, and I do miss Utah, but it's time for me to be here, doing what I am doing.


Trev said...

This is nice. I've been thinking about some of these sorts of things as I approach a period where I'll have to be looking for work soon. It's nice to read of someone who seems to have found the type of balance I seek.

LCannon said...

I wish there was a "Like" button