I just want so many of you out there in blogland to know how much I admire each of you. I admire each of you for trying your best to do what you feel is best for you. I read many of your blogs, and I am moved by each of your stories in different ways. There are never any easy answers in life, and I just am filled with admiration for people having the courage to do what they feel they must.
I admire people like Beck and Elbow and John Galt and Kengo Biddles and Loyalist (with Defects) who are trying to make their marriages work and stay true to those covenants in spite of great challenges. I admire people like -l- and Master Fob and Santorio who seem to be succeeding at marriage in spite of their homosexual attractions. I admire people like Dave and Pinetree and Attempting the Path and El Veneno who seem to be active in the LDS Church and are trying to live their lives according to their testimonies in spite of great challenges. I admire people like Foxx and Chris (Hurricane) who felt they needed to make other choices in life to be happy and for pursuing love where they were previously told they shouldn't look (I suppose I'm in this category myself). I admire people like Scot and Hawaii Dave for finding and succeeding in their relationships and being a good example of what a gay relationship can be. I admire people like DCTwistedLife and Peculiar Mormon who continue to hang on even when things seem hopeless. There are so many others whoise stories I read that I admire. What I admire most about so many of you is that we all seem to be part of a bizarre network or family of people with a common starting place and even if we may not always agree on certain issues or always see eye to eye, there is a spirit of love and understanding and brotherhood without a lot of passing judgment on one another for the choices we may make. I like that. I don't think anyone can truly know what is right for another person. I think that needs to be up to that person and his Creator.
As for me, I find it ironic that I'm in such a happy, blessed place right now in spite of the fact that I'm living my life contrary to the way I was taught. I'm still the good person I've always been. My family is still my family. My friends are still my friends. My God is still my God, and I still have what I feel is a really good relationship with Him. I'm in love, I'm happy, I'm doing well, and I'm at peace. My life has not imploded as I somehow thought it would, and I feel so much less stress and repression in my life. I feel like I'm finally allowed to be the person I've always felt I was.
And, yet, ironically, I still very much believe the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is God's true church on earth. I don't think I'll ever be able to deny that (nor do I think I'd want to). But somehow all seems right regardless of the fact that I'm inactive in my church and in a gay relationship. Again, no one can fully know what is right for someone else, and I admire all of you for taking the roads you feel you must take at this time in your lives. I only know that this is the right path for me right now, and I'm happy to be on it.
These are the players in my life, all sharing the same stage.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Sunday, October 15, 2006
A Doll House
Here is a quote from a play I am reading right now. I've read it before, but somehow I found these words apropos at this time in my life.
"I believe that, first and foremost, I'm a human being - just as much as you - or at least I should try to become one. ...I can't be satisfied any more with what most people say, or what's written in the books. Now I've got to think these things through myself, and understand them.
"...I only know what Pastor Hansen said when I was confirmed. He told me that religion was this and that and the other thing. When I get away from here, when I'm alone, I'll look into that subject too. I'll see if what Pastor Hansen said is true - or at least, if it's true for me.
"...I only know that my ideas are totally different from yours. I find out that the law is not what I thought it was - but I can't get it into my head that the law is right.
"...Now I'm going to find out for myself. I've got to figure out who's right - the world or me.
"...I've never been so clear - and so certain - about so many things as I am tonight." - Nora, A Doll House by Henrik Ibsen
"I believe that, first and foremost, I'm a human being - just as much as you - or at least I should try to become one. ...I can't be satisfied any more with what most people say, or what's written in the books. Now I've got to think these things through myself, and understand them.
"...I only know what Pastor Hansen said when I was confirmed. He told me that religion was this and that and the other thing. When I get away from here, when I'm alone, I'll look into that subject too. I'll see if what Pastor Hansen said is true - or at least, if it's true for me.
"...I only know that my ideas are totally different from yours. I find out that the law is not what I thought it was - but I can't get it into my head that the law is right.
"...Now I'm going to find out for myself. I've got to figure out who's right - the world or me.
"...I've never been so clear - and so certain - about so many things as I am tonight." - Nora, A Doll House by Henrik Ibsen
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Monday, October 09, 2006
Looking Back
I recently reread a post I made in June that said, in part, this:
"I wish I was more emotional. I don't know why this wall is up so high or why I've subconsciously convinced myself that crying is not a good thing. Jonah will write me emails about how much he misses me and that he cries about it. I miss Jonah very much, but I don't cry. My mom's on a vacation, and I miss her, but I don't cry. Life holds many challenges, but I don't cry over them. And consciously, I'd love to cry. I'd love to have a bawling fit over something. But I don't. It bothers me sometimes that I'm so unemotional and rational and practical all the time. It makes me feel like I'm not fully living or feeling. And it bothers me that I only seem to love Jonah with part of my heart rather than all of it when I so much want to allow myself to love him fully. It's not fair to either of us. Someone like Jonah is just what I need. I love him a lot. I just wish I could feel more deeply."
It occurred to me today that I no longer feel like I'm loving Jonah with just part of my heart any more. It occurred to me that I feel a very deep love for him. I feel like I'm finally letting go of so many of the walls I've built up over the years, and it feels really good.
"I wish I was more emotional. I don't know why this wall is up so high or why I've subconsciously convinced myself that crying is not a good thing. Jonah will write me emails about how much he misses me and that he cries about it. I miss Jonah very much, but I don't cry. My mom's on a vacation, and I miss her, but I don't cry. Life holds many challenges, but I don't cry over them. And consciously, I'd love to cry. I'd love to have a bawling fit over something. But I don't. It bothers me sometimes that I'm so unemotional and rational and practical all the time. It makes me feel like I'm not fully living or feeling. And it bothers me that I only seem to love Jonah with part of my heart rather than all of it when I so much want to allow myself to love him fully. It's not fair to either of us. Someone like Jonah is just what I need. I love him a lot. I just wish I could feel more deeply."
It occurred to me today that I no longer feel like I'm loving Jonah with just part of my heart any more. It occurred to me that I feel a very deep love for him. I feel like I'm finally letting go of so many of the walls I've built up over the years, and it feels really good.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
A Whole New World
So I flew to Utah to attend my niece's baptism. No one knew I was coming except my mom, so it was really fun to see how surprised people were by my coming. I also surprised some friends as well who didn't know I'd be in town (and told three more friends that I've come out of the closet; again, nothing but support and love all around). My brother and sister-in-law were extremely touched that I flew down. However, my main reason for writing today is to talk about airport security.
I have not flown since the week of September 11, 2001; nothing to do with a fear of flying or being attacked or anything like that; I simply haven't had the time, money, or opportunities for air travel in the five years since 9/11 occurred. I do keep abreast of the news, so I certainly am aware of all the changes that have occurred in airport security since I last flew (and by the way, the last time I flew I was taken off the plane and interrogated by the crew for about 25 minutes because they thought I might be a threat to the flight, but that is a story for another time). In any case, I had not experienced any of these changes in security firsthand until Friday, and, quite frankly, I was just sort of struck by the absurdity of it all. Please don't misunderstand me; I certainly understand how many innocent lives were taken on that tragic day and that the safety measures that are in play are there to protect us and to prevent something equally awful from occurring again, but as I was waiting in the long line to go through security, it just felt like so many of the the things that are being done are a knee-jerk overreaction to what has occurred and, on some level, feels like a way of giving the illusion that we are safer than we were five years ago when, in fact, we are only more inconvenienced.
When I went to the airport, I made sure to leave my pocketknife at home and put all my gels and liquids in the bag I checked rather than my carry-on. Of course, the security line was long, and I had to show ID and my boarding pass to get through, which, of course, wasn't something I had to do five years ago. That made sense to me. I was slightly amused by the sign at the airport that had pictures of scissors, a pocketknife, a gun, and a cartoon bomb (you know, the kind that looks like a bowling ball with a fuse in it) crossed out with red Xs to let us know we couldn't bring those items beyond that point. I can see inadvertently bringing a pair of scissors or a pocketknife and even possibly a gun, but I think anybody who's got a bomb on them (especially one that looks like it belongs in a Bugs Bunny cartoon) probably brought it intentionally, and that warning sign probably isn't going to deter them any. It's not like anybody's saying, "Oh, my gosh, honey, I forgot all about this bomb in my purse."
And then, of course, I've read about the "taking off of the shoes," but as I looked at the people ahead of me in line removing their shoes, I thought to myself, "Are we really doing this?" Of course, I took off my shoes and jacket and placed them on the conveyor belt with my carry-on (but not my belt, even though other people were removing theirs; I thought, "If they need me to remove my belt, they'll let me know." But as I went through the metal detector (but not an x-ray at this particular airport), I thought, "How do they know I don't have an envelope of anthrax in my pocket or a carved ivory knife duct taped to my thigh?" They don't.
My point is this: if a terrorist wants to wreak havoc, they will fnd a way to get through. I thought of at least four ways I could diable somebody on a plane that these particular security measures were helpless in preventing. It just bothers me that because a terrorist brings a shoe bomb on board, we now all have to remove our shoes or because a toxic liquid has been brought on board, we're now pretty much exempt from bringing toothpaste, lotion, or bottled water on board. Again, don't misunderstand me; I'm not trying to minimize the good that those security measures do. I'm just saying that a lot of it seems like a facade to me especially since those measures aren't even consistent from airport to airport. And when you think of all the attention we focus on airports and realize all the other ways a terrorist can wreak havoc that aren't even being dealt with, it just makes homeland security seem like a big joke.
But maybe we are safer. I guess I was just struck by it. It just felt silly and absurd on some level. I'm sure there are many out there that disagree with me, and that's fine. I'm not even entirely sure how I feel about it myself. It just was such a different world from the last time I flew. But it didn't strike me particularly as being any safer; just slightly ridiculous and slightly more inconvenient. I'll probably get some flak for thinking so, but it was just my general impression.
In other news, when my brother called me to express his gratefulness that I was able to come to his daughter's baptism, I expressed that I was sorry I wasn't able to stand in the circle to confirm her, and he was very nice about it. I sat between my mom and sister at sacrament meeting today and, of course, didn't take the sacrament. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm happy that even though much is unsaid, it is clear to my family that I am in this relationship with Jonah. My mom said to say hi to him when I returned and to ask him about Dancing With The Stars, a show they both enjoy. I'm so happy my mom makes a real effort to treat Jonah the way she treats my sister-in-law or brother-in-law. She knows how important he is to me and how happy he makes me and tries to make him a part of her life, and that means a lot.
In church today, in Sunday School, there was a quote about doing the best you can and doing all you can do, and I felt that under my given circumstances that I am doing the best I can and that God is okay with that. Just because I am in a gay relationship doesn't mean I can't still be a good person and serve others and be a good example in certain ways, and that gives me comfort.
Jonah and I spent some time together today, and I just felt such a strong, intense love for him. I just love him so much and am so happy with him. He has truly changed my life...for the better, I feel.
Anyway, that's my post for today. Hope all of you in blogland are well, whatever your situations or goals.
I have not flown since the week of September 11, 2001; nothing to do with a fear of flying or being attacked or anything like that; I simply haven't had the time, money, or opportunities for air travel in the five years since 9/11 occurred. I do keep abreast of the news, so I certainly am aware of all the changes that have occurred in airport security since I last flew (and by the way, the last time I flew I was taken off the plane and interrogated by the crew for about 25 minutes because they thought I might be a threat to the flight, but that is a story for another time). In any case, I had not experienced any of these changes in security firsthand until Friday, and, quite frankly, I was just sort of struck by the absurdity of it all. Please don't misunderstand me; I certainly understand how many innocent lives were taken on that tragic day and that the safety measures that are in play are there to protect us and to prevent something equally awful from occurring again, but as I was waiting in the long line to go through security, it just felt like so many of the the things that are being done are a knee-jerk overreaction to what has occurred and, on some level, feels like a way of giving the illusion that we are safer than we were five years ago when, in fact, we are only more inconvenienced.
When I went to the airport, I made sure to leave my pocketknife at home and put all my gels and liquids in the bag I checked rather than my carry-on. Of course, the security line was long, and I had to show ID and my boarding pass to get through, which, of course, wasn't something I had to do five years ago. That made sense to me. I was slightly amused by the sign at the airport that had pictures of scissors, a pocketknife, a gun, and a cartoon bomb (you know, the kind that looks like a bowling ball with a fuse in it) crossed out with red Xs to let us know we couldn't bring those items beyond that point. I can see inadvertently bringing a pair of scissors or a pocketknife and even possibly a gun, but I think anybody who's got a bomb on them (especially one that looks like it belongs in a Bugs Bunny cartoon) probably brought it intentionally, and that warning sign probably isn't going to deter them any. It's not like anybody's saying, "Oh, my gosh, honey, I forgot all about this bomb in my purse."
And then, of course, I've read about the "taking off of the shoes," but as I looked at the people ahead of me in line removing their shoes, I thought to myself, "Are we really doing this?" Of course, I took off my shoes and jacket and placed them on the conveyor belt with my carry-on (but not my belt, even though other people were removing theirs; I thought, "If they need me to remove my belt, they'll let me know." But as I went through the metal detector (but not an x-ray at this particular airport), I thought, "How do they know I don't have an envelope of anthrax in my pocket or a carved ivory knife duct taped to my thigh?" They don't.
My point is this: if a terrorist wants to wreak havoc, they will fnd a way to get through. I thought of at least four ways I could diable somebody on a plane that these particular security measures were helpless in preventing. It just bothers me that because a terrorist brings a shoe bomb on board, we now all have to remove our shoes or because a toxic liquid has been brought on board, we're now pretty much exempt from bringing toothpaste, lotion, or bottled water on board. Again, don't misunderstand me; I'm not trying to minimize the good that those security measures do. I'm just saying that a lot of it seems like a facade to me especially since those measures aren't even consistent from airport to airport. And when you think of all the attention we focus on airports and realize all the other ways a terrorist can wreak havoc that aren't even being dealt with, it just makes homeland security seem like a big joke.
But maybe we are safer. I guess I was just struck by it. It just felt silly and absurd on some level. I'm sure there are many out there that disagree with me, and that's fine. I'm not even entirely sure how I feel about it myself. It just was such a different world from the last time I flew. But it didn't strike me particularly as being any safer; just slightly ridiculous and slightly more inconvenient. I'll probably get some flak for thinking so, but it was just my general impression.
In other news, when my brother called me to express his gratefulness that I was able to come to his daughter's baptism, I expressed that I was sorry I wasn't able to stand in the circle to confirm her, and he was very nice about it. I sat between my mom and sister at sacrament meeting today and, of course, didn't take the sacrament. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm happy that even though much is unsaid, it is clear to my family that I am in this relationship with Jonah. My mom said to say hi to him when I returned and to ask him about Dancing With The Stars, a show they both enjoy. I'm so happy my mom makes a real effort to treat Jonah the way she treats my sister-in-law or brother-in-law. She knows how important he is to me and how happy he makes me and tries to make him a part of her life, and that means a lot.
In church today, in Sunday School, there was a quote about doing the best you can and doing all you can do, and I felt that under my given circumstances that I am doing the best I can and that God is okay with that. Just because I am in a gay relationship doesn't mean I can't still be a good person and serve others and be a good example in certain ways, and that gives me comfort.
Jonah and I spent some time together today, and I just felt such a strong, intense love for him. I just love him so much and am so happy with him. He has truly changed my life...for the better, I feel.
Anyway, that's my post for today. Hope all of you in blogland are well, whatever your situations or goals.
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