I was thinking last night about how much my life has changed for the better since I found Jonah and came out of the closet. I remember how much I used to wish that God would just release me from this mortal life. I wasn't necessarily suicidal, per se (nor do I believe I would have had the bravery (or cowardice, depending on who you look at it) to actually take my own life. But I was tired and weary and broken and felt perfectly okay that if God would just bring me back home, that would be fine with me. I was tired of fighting who I felt I was and didn't see much joy in life.
I'm happy to say that since I feel in love and came out of the closet, my thoughts on life have completely reversed. A few months ago my doctor told me I had high cholesterol and that I was at risk for a heart attack or a stroke and that I needed to change my eating and exercise habits. I'm only 39, but my father died at 55, which is only 16 years away, and he died from complications due to strokes (which started several years before he actually passed).
I realized I don't want to die. I have so much to live for now. I love my life; absolutely love it! I love my life with Jonah, I love where my career has gone of late, I love my family, I love my relationship with my Father in Heaven, and I love being who I am. I feel I have so much more I want and need to do in this life, and that is something that I didn't feel as strongly when I was trying to live my life the way I was "supposed" to. There's just to much to do and too much to live for now.
I still don't relish the idea of growing old, but I certainly am in no hurry to die like I once was. Life used to often feel like a chore; something I was just walking through and tolerating. Now it's something I feel that I enjoy and celebrate. And isn't that what God wants us to do with our lives. Aren't men and women created "that they might have joy"? I believe so.
So here's to life! May it be a joyous adventure for all of us.
Much love,
Cody
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