Excommunication Anniversary

Six days ago was an anniversary that I almost let slip by without realizing it: ten years ago on June 14th I was excommunicated from the LDS Church. It's hard to believe that much time has gone by.

I recently re-listened to a podcast interview I gave almost two years after I was excommunicated. Although I no longer attend LDS services regularly, many of the feelings in the interview about the LDS Church and its influence on me remain the same.

I was born and raised in the Mormon religion. I tried very ardently for a good portion of my life to follow all of its tenets, including fighting against and suppressing a huge part of who I am: my homosexuality. I reached a point in life where I no longer felt I could do that.

The last day of 2008 I made a firm choice to be with the guy I love, my now-husband Jonah. That turned out to be possibly the best choice I have ever made in my life, certainly one that has led me on a path to greater happiness, fulfillment, and emotional well-being.

It is also a choice that eventually cost me my membership in a religion that I loved and revered. It's definitely a weird feeling to lose that when it's been your whole life for so long.

My late mother as well as my dear friend attended my church discipline hearing, and their support has always meant the world to me. I am forever grateful that Mom got to see me build a relationship with Jonah before she passed. I'm glad she got to see how happy this relationship has made me. I'm glad she and Jonah became like a mom and son.

When you are told your whole life what a negative impact excommunication will have on your eternal soul, you fear the consequences (at least I did), and while the first year or two were an adjustment, I can honestly say that life and God have been very good to me these last ten years.

I truly can't imagine life without Jonah. He has made me a better person, has helped me see life and people in a different way, and has enriched my life greatly.

I hold no bitterness or anger towards the LDS Church. I know some of my gay friends who were raised Mormon do, and justifiably so, but my interaction with the LDS Church was largely positive and I still maintain that many of my best traits and values come from what I was taught there and what I was taught by parents who adhered to that faith.

I do think the LDS Church has a lot of work to do in how it deals with and treats its gay members and former members. The place where we should be able to find the most refuge and support often does the opposite and pushes people away.

I was lucky. The leaders and members I personally dealt with on my own journey were kind and compassionate for the most part, although occasionally an unkind or ignorant remark or action would be made. For others (too many), the ignorance and unkindness was the rule rather than the exception, so there is still work to be done, bridges to be built.

I don't know all the answers, but I am convinced that being gay is something that is unchangeable (for me, at least, and for the majority of gay people I know). I know of a handful of gay people who seemingly have made marriage with a member of the opposite sex work for them. Kudos to them if they are truly happy. For most gay people I know, however, including myself, that just isn't a viable option.

Gay won't go away, whether you think it's wrong or sinful or not. We have to learn to love and support each other, regardless of perceived differences. We have to learn to find common ground.

What I am sure of is that I am happier outside of the LDS Church than I was inside. That isn't a slam or a smear on the LDS Church. It does so much good, but like any institution, it isn't perfect. I just learned that although it may bring fulfillment and joy to many, for others like me, it was a box I simply didn't fit in anymore.

I am grateful (truly I am) for all it gave me, but I am equally grateful that I have found a path that has given me more.

I love and adore my Mormon friends and family. They are still my people and always will be.

What have I been up to these last ten years?

Well, I’ve worked for the same theatre company for nearly the last seven, but I shall be quitting that job in August to pursue my acting career again, which I have missed a lot. It’s scary to leave my comfort zone and give up a job I have, overall, enjoyed as well as give up a decent salary and good health benefits. And at my age (48), it seems foolhardy to start anew. But God and the universe have been pushing me to make this decision, and so I am taking a leap of faith and trusting that I will be taken care of. I haven’t felt this strongly about anything in a while. I’ve had strong impressions to do things during my life, such as my decision to go to grad school (which is how I met Jonah), my decision to be with Jonah, and my decision to put my acting career on hiatus for a bit, and those all led me to good things. Now I feel prompted to get back into acting and to give up this job that is no longer bringing me joy. I feel like Indiana Jones in The Last Crusade when he takes his “leap of faith,” but in the end it is worth it.

I actually had the opportunity to be in a play in October, but I had to turn it down because Jonah and I are taking a very important trip together in September, when the rehearsals happen. Still, I know that theatre company is interested in me for future projects. Yep, I’m scared but I am also excited for the future.

Hope You're Okay With That (Part II)

Nearly nine years ago I wrote the following post. About a year ago I received a Facebook message from the father that I refer to in the post. He said, “Weird personal request: can I visit with you the next time you are in Utah? I am on a quest to understand your struggle being a gay Mormon. I need to be more aware and supportive and don’t know how to get there. Thanks.” At the time I thought, “I wonder if this is about his son.”

I fully intended to get together with the father (who I will call Ron), but I haven’t been back to Utah much lately and when I have it’s been for a short visit. For some reason last week the young man I refer to in the post (who I will call Scotty) came to my mind and I looked him up on Facebook. Although his profile is limited since we are not Facebook friends, in the “About” section it did say he was interested in men.

I reached out to Ron with the following message: “I was thinking about this request you made of me in March last year. I had actually forgotten about it, and I apologize for that. 

"I have been to Utah twice since you sent your last message, but it has always been quick trips. I'm sorry we never got the opportunity to connect. I did suspect at the time you wrote me about this that it might have to do with your son, [Scotty], and when I was on Facebook today I did see on his profile that he identifies as being ‘interested in men.’ I don't know much about [Scotty]'s life these days, but when I was attending the [our ward] I always had a soft spot in my heart for him because I suspected he might be gay and I worried for him and for you and [your wife]. In fact, I came across an entry I wrote in my [blog] in 2010 about your family and [Scotty], in particular. I'll even share it with you if you are ever interested. 

"Anyway, I apologize if I'm overstepping my bounds here or making assumptions about a situation I know nothing about. But I did want you to know I love your family very much, consider you a friend, and am still available if you ever want or need to talk. And if I am incorrect about any of this, my apologies and you can ignore my message. I miss you guys and the neighborhood a lot. I hope everyone is well. 

"All my love, 

"[Cody].”

Ron responded with “Thanks for reaching out. You are correct about [Scotty]. He came out officially during his senior year. He hasn’t started dating yet, and is still working at figuring things out. 

“He tends to be more flamboyant. I honestly struggle with that. I also really worry about how that will impact him. When he’s uncomfortable, he reacts by going more flamboyant and making others uncomfortable. I worry how that will impact relationships. 

“I have chatted with [my wife]’s brother who is gay, but he is naturally very reserved and understated.

“I am working to be more supportive and loving. He and I have butted heads since he was young. It’s been better since he came out because he is more honest and open. I constantly wonder why Heavenly Father sent him to me. I am always overwhelmed and afraid. I don’t know if this sounds familiar. 

“I will be honest, I am not naturally supportive of the LGBTQ+ population. I am really working to soften and change. I also really have a hard time with anything flashy or flamboyant- straight or otherwise. That makes things challenging. Mild understatement. But I am trying.

“I hope I haven’t offended you or made your life any more difficult. I appreciate your friendship. Thanks for ‘listening.’

“[Ron]”

I answered, “Not at all. You haven’t offended me one bit. I think it’s often a learning curve when a straight parent is learning to navigate the challenges of understanding a gay child, particularly if the background and upbringing is more conservative. The important thing to know is that, gay or straight, all children have their own challenges and all children do things or make choices that don’t necessarily please their parents. 

“I actually do want to share with you my [blog post] [which I did]. 

“As I read this [post], I recall that one of the things I most admired about your son when I was in the [our ward] was his ability to express himself without seemingly having any shame or embarrassment about it. At the time (and still, really) I consider that an asset and a strength. Now if his flamboyant behavior or appearance is simply to ruffle feathers or push people’s buttons, that’s certainly a possibility, but I suspect his flamboyance is something that makes himself feel free to be and express who he feels he is. But you may be correct that it is also a defense mechanism. In any case, his flamboyance may merely be a ‘pebble in your shoe’ that feels like an annoying rock. In society, especially, we’re conditioned that boys should act and dress a certain way and vice-versa for girls. But I wonder sometimes what difference it really makes.

“Coming from my own conservative background, I remember when I met my husband, [Jonah], that I was sometimes uncomfortable with his flamboyance. In my case, it was probably because I had been trying to suppress my gay feelings for so long that anything that even smacked of ‘coloring outside the lines’ was uncomfortable for me, and yet, I so longed myself to ‘color outside the lines’ and not feel ashamed or scared of it. 

“What’s important is that you are trying to be loving and supportive. That’s what any child, gay or straight, needs most of all. Certainly as a parent, your job is to counsel and teach your child, but it is also to love them unconditionally and be willing to let go to allow them to make their own choices and watch them succeed or fail and hopefully, learn and find happiness wherever they can. 

“You know, when I first met my husband and realized I was falling in love with him and eventually made the choice to share a life with him, it wasn’t easy, but it felt right at the time, and I have not regretted it ever. It was one of the best choices I have ever made. My brother… had a difficult time with it at first, although to his credit, he has always shown both [Jonah] and me much love and support. [Jonah] always jokes with my family that he hopes I will buy him a big diamond ring someday. The last time I was in Utah, [my brother] gave me my late grandmother’s diamond ring and said maybe I could get the diamonds in it put in a new ring for Isaias. That seemingly tiny gesture was so significant and moving to me because I know it was hard in the beginning for [my brother]. He still believes what he believes, I’m sure, but he just sees us as important people in his life who he loves and that means the world to me.

“The greatest thing my mom ever said to me when I was struggling so much was, ‘I just want you to be happy, and if being with [Jonah] makes you happy, you should be with him.’ She still believed in what she believed, but allowed me to make my own choice and be who I needed to be. Fighting against it will push children away, in the experience of many gay people I know. It doesn’t mean you have to love or condone your child’s actions, but allowing him to be who he wants to be and making sure he always knows he is loved no matter what is vital. 

“You said you sometimes wonder why God sent [Scotty] to you. I would imagine it’s because he knew you and [your wife] would be the perfect parents for that special young man (not that you would be perfect, mind you, but that you would be the right set of parents for him), and that not only could you teach and love him, but that he could teach you things as well. God doesn’t make mistakes. He has given you a true gift in all of your children and each one of them can teach you something valuable. Life doesn’t always go the way we expect it to (in fact, more often than not, it doesn’t). I’m sure you, like any parent, has had expectations for how your kids would be raised and where they might end up. I suspect [Scotty] has a different path to tread than what you might have expected or hoped. The lesson maybe, is to let him take that path and know that you will always love and care for him wherever that path may lead. 

“I would also say this: you said you are not naturally supportive of the LGBTQ+ population. Just like any population, there are positive and negative voices. For example, I think [Jonah] and I are pretty normal, boring gays. Some of my gay friends are super flamboyant; some are antagonistic; some are super intolerant; but others are pretty “vanilla,” like we are; some are Christian; some are conservative. I guess the point is, we don’t all fit in one box, just as there are many types of Mormons, for example. I think sometimes what is seen on the news or in Pride parades or even on social media can obscure that fact. I have many gay friends who I vehemently disagree with about many things and then there are many that I have tons in common with. 

“Last thing, you talk a lot about the fears you have. Just remember, fear is a powerful tool of the adversary. I have often felt that the opposite of love is not hate, but fear. With perfect love there can be no fear. But we often fear that which we do not understand or the unknown. 

“I don’t know if any of this is helpful or comforting at all. I just know I have been in [Scotty]’s shoes. Just keep loving him. Keep trying. Keep searching for understanding. Keep letting him know that nothing he does will ever change your love for him. Keep supporting him as best you are able. Please continue to reach out if you ever need to talk. 

“I pray for the best for both you and [Scotty] and your entire family.

“All my love, 

“[Cody]”

Ron’s final message was, “Thank you. Ask [Jonah] to give you a big hug for me.”

I believe Ron will come around. I appreciate that he’s at least trying to understand his son. I wish them well.

I do think it’s interesting that in my original post I mused about how I would be curious to see what [Scotty] would be like ten years later, and now here we are nearly ten years later. Funny how things have worked out.