Prayers for Jonah

Jonah's family is having a harder time accepting his situation than mine is (although a couple of his siblings have been more supportive than he had imagined). Jonah's home life is not as smooth as mine has been. Anyway, I know he's going through some tough stuff right now, so I hope all of you in blogland will keep him in your thoughts and prayers (every little bit helps, right?).

My mom went to a ward function this evening, and several people had commented to her about what a nice testimony I gave on Sunday (see previous post). She wondered silently what they would think if they really understood what I was going through. I told her that was nice of them, but that I also wondered what they would think of me if they knew my situation. I'm sure many would be okay, but I know some who would have thoughts like, "He used to be such a good kid. What happened?" Mom said she had similar thoughts. I guess it's not easy on anybody. But like I told Jonah tonight, "We can't control how other people are going to react; we can only do our best to live the best lives we can."

My ex-girlfriend, Lisa, wrote me today. You can read more about her here. She and I have just started communicating again after about an eight year hiatus. Her husband (who never really liked me early on in their marriage) is okay with it, too. We're just so happy to be in each other's lives again. I've missed my friend (and she feels the same way). Anyway, she said something very nice in her letter that I didn't necessarily expect. She said:

"Okay...I'm going out on a limb for a moment here. I would never want to give anyone advice contradictory to the church, but it sounds to me like you'd be happiest with Jonah. I suppose the question then is, do you choose your peace of mind and happiness, or do you choose the church? Either choice will bring some heartache.

"...I have to believe that the God I have come to know over the course of my struggles is full of compassion and mercy. I have to believe that if one of my boys came to judgment full of tattoos, piercings, long hair, reeking of smoke and stumbling up the steps because of alcohol, that God would STILL throw his arms around him and welcome him home. I think that there cannot be a 'blanket judgment'...I think each person will be judged on a case by case basis, taking all our life's challenges into consideration. I always tell my kids that God only expects us to do our best, and if our best falls a bit short, it will be okay. You have done your best, Cody, and I think some mercy will be given when that days comes and you face God. I truly believe that some people's minds are 'wired' a bit differently and as hard as you have tried not to feel the way you do about Jonah, there is little you can do.

"...the point I want to make is that should you decide to stay with Jonah and let that be your life's choice, I think God will still have room for you in his kingdom. He loves you and knows of your struggle. One day, things will be made right..."

Whether her words are simply comforting to me, they really rang true when I read them today (and do so now as I reread them). I really feel like I'm destined for a different path at this juncture of my life and that things are going to be okay. I also think it's no coincidence that Lisa has come back into my life at this particular time and delievered these particular words to me. I really think it means something.

Another friend, very active in the church and very intelligent, said something that I felt God wanted me to hear. She said, "I really think there is more to it than we really understand." She was referring to the gospel and life, but not in application to my particular issue, but something about it really resonated with me as far as my issues go. I can't explain it; I just felt a certain truth that is helping me feel more at ease about things.

Back to Lisa. As I said in my previous post about her, she has a mental illness, and in catching me up on the events of her life since we last communicated, she explained all the horrific realities she has had to face in her life because of her illness, and I was just overwhelmed by it all. Just as other people can't fully understand what I go through with my problems, her issues are unfathomable to me. When I've read what she and her family have had to deal with I was saying to myself, "I'm so glad I have gay feelings and don't have her problems." She's doing reasonably well, but it made me think that if we had gotten married like we planned, it would have been a disaster. A bisexual and a manic-depressive; what a Molotov cocktail that would have made. I know my nature, and I really don't think I would have handled her issues well at all. My issues would have probably been difficult for her as well. I give great kudos to her husband. He has stood by her through a lot of awful stuff. I know it's been incredibly difficult for both of them.

I remember when she broke it off with me and how unfair I thought it was and how I could never imagine finding someone that I loved as much as I felt I loved her. Now in retrospect I'm so incredibly glad things worked out the way they did; for both of our sakes. It just shows me that God knows every facet from beginning to end, and that's one reason why I believe that this relationship is the right things for me in spite of the fact that it seems to be contradictory as far as what I know to be true. There is something I will glean from all of this that will draw me closer to my Father in Heaven. I just feel it. I can't explain it, and I know there will be naysayers who think I'm delusional, but the only people who can really know the path I need to take are me and the Lord. I just feel I have been led to this place in my life and this relationship, and I am going to count the blessings I have because of it all.

Anyway, that's it for now.

Recent Musings

I haven't posted in a bit, mostly because I don't really have much to say lately.
It looks like I'll be working in Utah this summer, which I have mixed feelings about. On the plus side I get to spend some time with my family, and I'll be performing, which, of course, is my ideal version of a job. On the other hand, I'm away from Jonah, and while I'm excited to work with some old friends again, the show I'm performing in is not necessarily the genre of theatre I'm most excited to be doing. But, who knows, maybe I'll have a good time. At least I'm acting, which I'm extremely grateful for.

I spent the day with Jonah yesterday. It was good to spend time with him. Like he says, this is good practice for us because our careers may very well cause us to be apart for indeterminate amounts of time. We both feel it will make our relationship stronger in many ways. The thing we are both extremely grateful for is how much we genuinely trust one another. I honesty don't give a second thought that Jonah's heart would stray away from me, and I'm sure he feels the same way about me.

Yesterday we napped in my bed, and it was just so nice to be held by him and to hold him. I just thought as I fell asleep in his arms, "What is so wrong about this?" We made out, and it got pretty hot and heavy, which was fun and exciting, but I'm still not ready to have sex yet. I guess my thing is since I still have one foot in my religion, I know that sex is the line I can't cross without risking excommunication from a church that I love and hold dear. I know it must seem ironic to some that I cherish so highly a religion that is not accepting of homosexual relationships, but I do. I really do. Just as much as my sexual preferences are a part of who I am so is the religion I was brought up in.

I've always promised myself that if I leave the LDS church that I will not become bitter or resentful towards it, like many people sometimes do. They feel the church has somehow wronged them or that they lost time devoted to a cause they no longer believe in or blame the church for their circumstances. I would contend that the Mormon church has afforded me some of the best qualities I have and some of the greatest opportunities and experiences I have known in my life. And I certainly do not feel that I have lost or wasted any time belonging to it. The circumstances of my life, both good and bad, have made me who I am and brought me to this point in my life, and if circumstances had been different, I may have never met Jonah, who has been such a blessing in my life. And, call me crazy, I still believe the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is God's true church on this earth. I simply have come to a point where I have tried my hardest to live according to its tenets, and I don't know that I have the faith to do so anymore. And I'm learning that maybe that's okay. I'm here to learn and be tested and to love, and I'm doing all that. What I have felt lately is that God loves me and wants me to live and wants me to experience, and nothing I do is going to change that.

We often have this human understanding of God and can't really understand the full magnitude of his love and mercy. We somehow feel (myself included) that if we make mistakes or if we fail in our human endeavors that God will be disappointed and not love us as much as he does someone else who we mistakenly perceive to be doing better than we are. Does that mean I don't believe that people will pay for the wrongs they have done and not repented of or that some people won't get a higher reward in the eternities than others? No. But I do believe God loves all of us with a love that we cannot even fathom and that he wants us to be happy more than anything else.

I just feel I'm at an odd place in my life where I'm discovering eternal truths in places I never expected to find them. I love my religion very, very much. It is a huge part of who I am, and there is so much good to be found there. There is also good to be found in other places, too, and I am finding some of that as well.

Recently on another blog I read some comments from someone I presume to be an active member of my church. He was snidely berating a fellow member for choosing to leave the church to more fully accept his being gay. As I read the comments, I was ashamed of his self-righteous, callous attitude and thought to myself, "Jesus wouldn't have dealt with his brother in this manner." Likewise, on the same blog, there was a letter from someone who had served as a bishop along with this man. While he still did not agree with this brother's decision, I found the tone of his letter to be much more loving. My brother wrote me a similar letter when I revealed my relationship with Jonah. We don't have to agree with people's decisions, but there is a much more Christ-like way to handle our disagreements than was evidenced in the comments section of this person's blog.

And the bottom line is each of us has to make our own decisions and do what we feel is best for us, and ultimately that decision is between us and God alone, and we will answer to Him and no one else. The Spirit whispers different things to different people. There are times lately when I feel the Spirit telling me things that on the surface seem contradictory to what I have been taught. But what I have to realize is that God sees the whole picture whereas we as humans only see parts, and sometimes what is best for us is not always to be found in your standard "Sunday School answers." God told us not to kill, but there are many examples in the scriptures where God commanded someone to kill for a higher purpose (Nephi killing Laban, for example, or the numerous holy wars in the Old Testament and Book of Mormon). God told Adam and Eve to multiply and replenish the earth, but he also told them not to eat from the tree of Knowledge, two seemingly contradictory commandments.

Perhaps I'm rationalizing or trying to justify my own actions. I'm not beyond admitting that. But all I'm saying is that what appears to be the cookie-cutter right answer for some may not work for others, and what God allows a person to do may actually have positive results even if it goes against the grain of what is expected.

I had a really interesting lunch with a friend of mine. I told her about Jonah and me, and she was very happy for us. When I met her seven years ago, she was an active member of the church married to an active husband with an active family. They were doing all the "right" things, but she was miserable. Her marriage was in trouble and she was not happy. She has since left the church and remarried a wonderful guy and has started a new business and adopted some new beliefs, and frankly, I've never seen her happier. I remember being sad when she left the church, but the more I saw how happy she was, the more I was confused by how leaving the church that was supposed to help her achieve a greater joy actually was bringing her more joy (in this life, at least). Like me, she holds no bitterness or anger towards the church. Life is what it is. Am I saying that her path is right for everybody? Not at all. But it seems to have worked out very well for her. Some people find what they need in their religion. Some don't and need to find it elsewhere. There are many questions and concerns that I have that I can't find answers to where I'm told they will be. I have done all the things I have been asked to do, and I'm simply not able to do what is required of me. There has to come a time when you say, "This just isn't working for me. Let me try something else." And perhaps in doing that thing, you will discover what brings you the most joy.

It is a hard thought to think about leaving the LDS church (although I know it will never leave me), but it may come to that. Not because I want to, but because I might have to. I truly have nothing but kind words for my religion. And I know that my relationship with God is still good no matter what I choose to do.

You know, I was thinking about how excited I am to be in this relationship with Jonah. I dawned on me that if Jonah were a woman, I could share this news with all my friends and they would be excited and happy for me. But because this is a homosexual relationship, I know there are some (not all, by any means) who will be saddened and disappointed by the news. And I thought, "What difference does it make what sex a person is?" All I know is I've found the person of my dreams, and I'm happy with him. I just wish all people could see the love and look past what they perceive to be a sin.

I'm getting better at doing that myself. I don't feel as guilty as I once did exploring these feelings I've never allowed myself to previously explore, and I think in time I'm going to realize that all the guilt and fear were needless and didn't come from God in the first place. I'm just glad I've taken everything at a slow, thoughtful pace and didn't rush into anything before I was ready to face it.

I hope all of you in blogland are well and that I haven't said anything to upset or offend anyway. This is just what I'm feeling lately.

Moving Forward

I haven't posted in a bit because I'm staying at my mom's house, and she still has a dial-up internet connection, and a very slow one at that. So I can only post late at night when I know nobody will call us (although if they were smart they'd call us on our cell phones, but they don't). Anyway, I've been back home in Utah for a week, and even though I've greatly enjoyed visiting with my family, I am incredibly bored. It's weird going from being full-time graduate student with no free time to being unemployed and having absolutely nothing to do. I have made use of the time by reading and catching up on some movies I wanted to see.

I miss Jonah, which is a good thing. It reminds me how much I love him. He's been bored without me, too, but he starts a new job on Monday, and I'm pretty sure he won't be bored for long.

As for me, I still don't know what my employment situation is yet. I'm waiting for a local theater here in Utah to let me know if they have a summer spot for me in their schedule, but I haven't heard anything yet. I'm planning on going back to where I was in a week and find a job there if I haven't heard anything by then. This theater job may not work out anyway because I found out I have to be back to school a week before the summer show closes. I guess I'll leave it in the hands of God or fate. I really would like to have an acting job for the summer, but at the same time, I'd like to get back to Jonah.

I got together with a really good friend yesterday (we'll call her Amy). Amy and I are such good friends, and we have another good friend, Rick (who we'll be hanging out with next week). I love them both dearly and we really have a wonderful relationship with one another. I haven't seen Amy since Christmas, and it was so wonderful to see her. She knows about my issues, and I know about all of hers. The cool thing about both Amy and Rick (and me, I hope) is that we really try not to be judgmental (at least of each other). Anyway, Amy's activity in the LDS Church has been waning for a while now. She's a recovering alcoholic who's taken to drinking again. But she still serves in the Primary (the kids' group at church for those of you who don't know Mormon-speak), and her bishop knows about her issues. Anyway, she's a great person, and I love her dearly. It's weird that we're in a similar place in our lives as far as church activity goes. We're still both semi-active, we're both doing things that are contrary to our religion's teachings, we both have positive feelings towards the LDS church, and we also are at a point where we're realizing that life is a journey with many twists and turns and sometimes what we perceived our path to be is turning out not necessarily to be the path we should take.

Although it still isn't easy, the message I feel like I'm getting from God lately is that life is meant to be lived and that one has to move forward, even if one risks making mistakes. The thing not to do is to stay stagnant or motionless. Make a choice even if you're afraid of the consequences. It's better than just standing still. I stress that this is the answer I've been getting in my own personal prayers. I don't claim it to be anyone else's answer.

Jonah and I had a discussion recently that was hard but necessary. Jonah is always making jokes about us breaking up, and they bother me, and I told him so, accusing him of using them as a defense mechanism against the possibility that we could break up. What I failed to realize until after our conversation is that I do the same thing, but in a different way. I regularly bring up how hard this relationship is and how I don't know what the right thing to do is and how it might not work out. I told myself I was doing this to prepare him if things don't work out. But I realized that isn't true. He already knows that. He doesn't need reminding. The fact is it's my defense mechanism against the fear I feel. At first, I thought I was afraid of the consequences our relationship would have as far as my standing in the church (and in the afterlife) are concerned. And while that's true to an extent, I think it's simply out of fear of letting myself love someone so deeply. I have been hurt in my past relationships so many times that I have built up a wall and refused to allow myself to get close enough to somebody to really let them in because I am afraid to get hurt again. I know that's silly, but it's the way I am. Jonah is one of the few people I've met in my life who can see past all the crap I've built around me and loves me in spite of it (or because of it). It actually annoys me how perceptive he is, and yet, it's exactly what I need. It also astounds me how much he seems to love me (and who knows why he does; I would have dumped me a long time ago), and I think that's what I need, too. Sometimes I feel guilty because I wonder if I love Jonah as much as he seems to love me, and then I remind myself that, yes, I do; I just have this defense mechanism that I'm very good at that helps me not feel as deeply as I really do. I'm really good at shrugging off things and pretending I don't care (or even convincing myself that I don't). I'm really good at detaching myself (and yet the irony is I get very attached to people). In any case, I'm learning that I really do love Jonah as much as I think I do. He truly is one of the best relationships I've ever had.

But I'm scared of commitment, and I'm scared of letting go, and I'm scared of loving with all of my heart rather than just pieces of it, and, yes, I'm scared of displeasing God or setting a bad example or what-have-you. And, yet, as I said, I feel like I'm learning that a life lived in fear is no life at all (something I'm paraphrasing from Foxx's website). We're here to live and love and make mistakes and learn from mistakes and have experiences and learn from those experiences. I love my religion. I really do. But one thing I'm learning about religion (including mine) is that often it paralyzes us rather than helps us move forward. God put Jonah in my life for a reason, and I feel like I'm learning that it's okay to love him. It may not be everyone's path, but it may very well be mine.

Tomorrow I'm going to church with my mom and sister. I imagine I'll be seeing my old bishop, who's a very good friend. If he asks about my situation, I'll be candid and honest: that as much as I love my religion, I just don't know that I can fully live it the way I've been asked to. I don't know what will happen (nor do I know what will happen with Jonah and me), but like my friend Amy said last night (and I'm paraphrasing), "Life is not a path that moves straight forward or straight back or straight side to side, but is constantly weaving and circling, and it's okay. All relationships, yours included, have their difficulties and challenges, but it's rare when you find that special someone who makes your life and relationship complete, so when you do find someone like that, it's best to hang on to them."

I admit that although I came to Utah to see my family, I also came here to take some time to think about my relationship with Jonah unencumbered, and I'm pretty sure that Jonah, perceptive guy that he is, knows that. And although I still vacillate, what have I learned? That I miss and love Jonah and am so grateful that he is a part of my life. I may not show it (again that pesky defense mechanism), but it's true. Do I know what the future holds? No. But does anybody? Live. Move forward. Take action. Do something. Be happy. That is what I'm learning.

When I think of my life pre-Jonah, it wasn't bad. I wasn't unhappy. But life seems richer and fuller and more eye-opening now that he's in my life, and I like that. Anyway, that's all for now.

What Is My Path?

I was in my yoga class recently, and the following quote was read in class, and it really struck me and impacted me. I'm afraid I do not know the source, but here is the quote:

"...No one can force you to do what's not for you. In the Bhagvad Gita, Krishna tells Arjuna, 'It is better to follow your own calling imperfectly than follow another's perfectly. If death should come while following your own path, this is surely better than living with the fear and anguish of following a false path.' When we're forced to do something that is against our nature, our soul is unhappy, there is no peace. When the soul is unhappy, pain begins to trouble the body as well. Rather than change your ways to conform with the world, you must eventually find a way to express your truth from your heart regardless of the world.

""What makes your soul happy? What is your goal? Since the rest of the world doesn't care what your soul wants, it is up to you to find out. If you are struggling with theses issues, engage in hatha yoga practice, and in the context of your practice...you will soon find the Faith - your foundation or roots - to go in any direction in your life..."

Now, before you all think I'm some kind of yoga guru, I'm not. In fact, I've learned more and more that many aspects of yoga are not my cup of tea. In fact, the quote even applies to my attitude about yoga. No matter how much we've done it, I've decided, for the most part, yoga just isn't for me, and that that's okay. That doesn't mean it isn't right for other people; it just isn't right for me. It's not my path, and that's good to know.

Similarly, if you're a gay man (or woman) deciding that being gay doesn't mesh with your religion, whether you decide being gay take precedence over your religious views or whether you decide that your religion takes precedence over your homosexual attractions, I think the quote is valid either way. No one can force you to live a life that ultimately is bringing you unhappiness.

Ultimately, I have to decide what my soul really craves and needs and figure out if it's worth it in the long run to have that or not. If I decide that living my religion to the best of my ability even if that means I'm without a companion is what brings me the greatest happiness, then that's what I should do. On the other hand, if I decide that companionship with a man brings me greater happiness even if it means I'm willing to sacrifice my standing in my church, then perhaps that's the choice to be made. The point is, we can't force ourselves to live somebody else's idea of happiness and fulfillment if indeed we aren't gaining happiness and fulfillment from it. We have to figure out our own path, and perhaps "it is better to follow [our] own calling imperfectly than to follow another's perfectly."

I also think it's important to figure out what will give us the greatest happiness in the long run, not just what will give us immediate satisfaction, pleasure, or gratification.

As of yet, I'm still unclear on what the right path is for me, but I do feel God whispering in my ear every day that whatever path I choose, it is my choice, and that he just wants me to be happy.