Legal, Baby!

Five years ago on the day of our commitment ceremony, Jonah said to me, "Maybe we'll do this again in five years, and maybe then it will be legal."  At the time I thought we'd do it again somewhere like California.  Of course, I also knew that Jonah was referring to the fact that he would like a bigger ceremony and one that his family might attend.

Five years to the day Jonah and I were married legally...in UTAH of all places!!!!  Incredible.

I don't know what's going to happen as appeals are taken into consideration and when this reaches the supreme court, which it inevitably will.  But I've said in the past that this rolling stone can't be stopped.  Even if our marriage is declared invalid, which legal experts seem to think it won't be even if Judge Shelby's ruling is overturned; even if marriage between people of the same sex is once again outlawed in Utah, I think it will only be temporary.

And the optimist is me says gay marriage in Utah is here to stay.  I think the Supreme Court will find it unconstitutional to deny gay people that right.  In fact, the Utah case may very well become the springboard for all states having to recognize gay marriages...which would be the irony of ironies, in my opinion.

I think the Utah government is fighting a losing battle...and wasting precious tax dollars to do it.  But that is its prerogative, I suppose.

As for Jonah and me, our day was lovely.  We drove to St. George very, very early with a friend who would serve as one of our witnesses.  Because it was New Year's Eve, the Washington County Clerk's Office was scheduled to close at noon, so we wanted to get there as early as possible to make sure everything went through the way it was supposed to.

When Amendment 3 was overturned, Jonah and I had already asked for New Year's Eve (and New Year's Day) off because of our anniversary, and we had already been talking about getting married in California simply for tax and health insurance purposes.  That all this was occurring so close to our anniversary in the state where I was raised and where we had our commitment ceremony seemed fateful, so we decided to go to Utah and get married.

Some friends advised us to get married before our anniversary date in case the state was allowed a stay on same-sex marriages, but we figured if it was meant to be it would happen, which it did.

The county clerk's office was not busy at all, fortunately, and we were were prepared with everything we needed to apply for a marriage license.  The lady who helped us was very nice.  Because this happened so quickly and unexpectedly in Utah, the application forms still say "bride" and "groom," of course, so they had to white that part out to accommodate for two grooms.

We actually completed the process so quickly that we had an hour to spare before our minister and our other witness were to meet us.  Our friend who had driven with us offered o treat us to a wedding breakfast at a nearby diner, so we went there and ate, and it was nice.  Very large portions, too.

It was quite an eclectic crowd.  To the side of us was a redneck and his family and in back of us was a financial advisor talking to his friend about investing his money, and then of course, at our table was the gay couple about to get married in conservative St. George.

Jonah had picked out our outfits which consisted of custom-made tuxedo tee shirts with rainbow bow ties and metallic red roses:

black cardigans, skinny black jeans, and nice shoes.  We looked cute:

I kind of hoped the redneck nest to us at the diner wouldn't notice our attire.  But maybe he didn't care either way.  In any case, he didn't seem to notice.

We had found our minister through a Facebook acquaintance of mine.  We don't many people in St. George, but we knew some marriages had been performed there, so we asked my acquaintance if he knew anybody who had officiated.  He put me in touch with a friend of his who had gotten married in St. George, and that friend put us in touch with the minister who had married him and his partner.  She was more than happy to do it.

We didn't meet her until the day of the wedding.  She told us she would be wearing a purple top and black bottoms (actually, it was the other way around).  Purple is both Jonah and my favorite color.  I took that as a good sign.

I had also called two mutual friends who live in the St. George area and who I've performed on stage with and asked if one of them would serve as our other witness.  They were delighted to come.  I also found out one of them is an ordained minister as well, so he could have married us, too, if the need had arisen.  Also fortunate was that both friends are good photographers so they took pictures of our wedding (which arent the pictures posted here).

At ten in the morning, our friends and the minister arrived.  We immediately liked the minister and hit it off with her.  The friend who had driven in with us hit it off with my two friends, which was not unexpected.

The minister asked us what specifically we wanted to do in our ceremony.  We had arranged to exchange say a little something to each other and then exchange rings.  Nothing big.

We went outside the clerk's office and proceeded to get married.  It was a beautiful day, and I loved that we got married in front of a palm tree.

We began the service with Jonah saying a prayer.  I actually can't remember much of what he said, just that we were grateful to be here in Utah getting married legally.

The minister commenced while my friends took pictures.  Then we shared our thoughts with one another.  I told Jonah that we've been together eight years, and that five years ago we made a formal commitment to unite with one another.  I said it had been a hard year for both of us with his dad and my mom passing away, but what a great way to end the year by getting married.  I told him he drives me crazy at times, but there is no one I would rather have drive me crazy than him.  I told him he's changed my life and made me a better person and how lucky I am to have him and how much I love him and then I placed the ring I bought him six and a half years ago on his finger.

Jonah went next.  He reminded me that at our commitment ceremony I had vowed to help him plant 24 rose bushes in our yard and said that I did and now our yard is blooming with flowers.  The garden we have represents the life we have built and cultivated together.  He told me how much he loved me and then placed my ring on my finger.

I was surprised over how emotional I got.  It was like a repeat of our commitment ceremony.  Jonah even joked that he's not a "big baby" like me (which is completely untrue).

The minister asked me if I took Jonah to be my husband.  I resoundingly answered, "I do."  She asked Jonah if he took me to be his husband, and Jonah said, "I do."  And then the minister happily pronounced us married.  And I kissed my guy and gave him a hug.

 

Then we gave the minister a hug.

And then our friends hugged us.  It was a very exciting a joyous moment.  I also told Jonah later that I felt our deceased parents were with us there.

We had invited Jonah's mother, but she didn't want to go, not because she didn't approve, but because she wanted to stay close to home for the holidays.  She later told us she thought we were going to Salt Lake City and that if she had realized we were going to St. George, she probably would have gone.  I wish she had.  I think it would have been good both for her and Jonah.

After the ceremony, we filled out the official paperwork, signing both our license (the official document) and our marriage certificate (the souvenir document).

Then we filed our document with the clerk's office and the clerk gave us our legal copy and also asked the minister for her name in case other gay couples needed an officiator.  My friend also volunteered his services. 

So Jonah and I are now legally married in Utah. 

 

 

 

After the wedding we all went out for coffee and breakfast (I didn't eat as I had just eaten) and just chatted.  It was really nice. 

 

The minister didn't charge us for her services, saying it was her pleasure and opted to take one of Jonah's art pieces instead.  That was cool.  Saved us 150 bucks.

Eventually we said goodbye to the minister and our friends from St. George and drove back home.  Boy, were we tired.  When we got home, Jonah and I crashed.

We decided to go see Kristin Chenoweth in concert as a wedding gift to ourselves.  It was a great concert.  She has such an amazing voice.  There were a lot of songs that really felt inspirational to me.  Her last number was a beautiful and simple arrangement of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and once again I could feel Mom smiling down on us.

She also sang "I Will Always Love You" by Dolly Parton, a perfomer Jonah loves.  It just made everything feel right.

I've had several gay friends say legal marriage feels different.  I would have to agree.  I don't know why, but it does.  In my words to Jonah during the ceremony I said that this paper doesn't change the fact that we've been married all this time.  And in many ways, that's true.  But in others, it really does make a difference.

I also like that when I'm filling out applications and such now, I can definitively mark "married" when asked about by marital status.

Life is great!  I couldn't have found a better man to spend my life with.


The Tide Continues To Turn

Twenty-three years ago I was a very scared, closeted, confused young man living in a small and very conservative college town in central Utah.  At that time I felt so very alone and misunderstood and never could have imagined in my wildest dreams that twenty-three years later gay couples would actually be getting married anywhere at all, let alone Utah.

I realize the legality of gay marriage may be a temporary thing until everything is sorted out in the courts, but as I have said previously in this blog, this rolling stone can't be stopped.  Legalized gay marriage in every state in the United States is inevitable, and I think the situation in Utah will have an eventual positive effect on the legality of gay marriage everywhere in the U.S.

Even if the advent of gay marriage in Utah is a short-lived celebration, I believe it will lead to a much longer lasting celebration of gay marriage as a normal form of marriage.  One day our descendants will wonder what all the fuss was even about.

The fight for equality is happening around us every day.  What an exciting time to be alive.  My 19 year-old self could never have imagined we'd be where we are today and he certainly couldn't have known how happy he would be to be just be true to himself.

Yea!

Degrassi and Constitutional Amendments

When I was younger, one of my favorite shows was the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High. They showed it on PBS after school, and I really enjoyed watching it. I remember what I liked most about it was that it really seemed to deal with realistic and controversial subjects in a very real way, and I had never seen anything on TV deal with the subject matter this show dealt with in the "matter-of-fact" way that it did. At the time, I didn't realize it was Canadian, and was surprised that what I presumed to be an American series would portray teen life so realistically. I actually have the whole series on my Netflix queue, and hope I will enjoy it as much now as I did then.

When the TV network NOGIN came out with Degrassi: The Next Generation, I was excited that a new generation would be introduced to the same kind of daring stories I was introduced to at their age. I remember when it first came out, I tried watching a couple of episodes, and was surprised at how much more tame it seemed to be. However, having seen repeats of some of the episodes from the last five years, I am pleased to see that many of the stories seem to be just as relevant and hard-hitting to today's teens as the original show's stories seemed to me.

Anyway, I'm not a regular watcher of the current series, but every once in a while when they show repeats late at night (which is when I happen to be up), and there's nothing else on, I'll watch. I don't know too many of the characters, but one of the characters whose stories I enjoy watching is Marco, who is the show's token gay kid. Since I often see the episodes out of order, it is interesting to watch his story from different angles: his realization that he's gay, boyfriend troubles, coming out, acceptance and adjustment, etc. I just caught an episode the other night where he finally comes out to his mom after having accepted his gayness himself for about a year. It really was a touching episode, and I actually got quite teary-eyed thinking about the hard road so many teens have to travel in dealing with this issue and thinking about earlier in my life the times I came out to various individuals and how scary it was at the time and how nowadays it just doesn't seem like it's that big of a deal like it was then. Of course, that's hypocritical to say, I suppose, since I'm still very much in the closet with many people. But I don't have the same fear and angst as I did back then.

What touched me about the episode was his mom's reaction; not fully understanding, but loving her son so much. His mom's biggest issue (and my mom's as well) isn't so much that her son is gay, but the fear of how other people will negatively treat him because of his homosexuality. I just thought it was good. It was also a nice reminder of how much my mom really loves me. I remember before I came out to anybody thinking my mom would just hate me or be so disgusted with me, and now realize that those fears were completely unfounded. Does she necessarily understand or condone it? Not necessarily. But I am assured that she loves me just the same as she always has.

Being back in Utah has been weird. Not bad. Just unusual. I feel like I can be more open about who I am when I'm at school in a different state, but here I feel like I'm hiding again, which is odd since most of my friends would probably be okay with it. My ward fellow ward members, on the other hand, probably wouldn't be so okay. Or that's my assumption. And I know it's not that they would like me any less, but their assumption would be that I would be following the wrong path, and I know they would be concerned about my spiritual well-being.

I shouldn't care what people think, but I do. I've always been a people pleaser, and it bothers me when I feel I'm disappointing people. I know it's because of my LDS background, but I've always been taught to be a good example, and while I understand that living life as a gay man is not necessarily being a bad example, obviously in the Mormon faith it isn't being a good example of a what a good Mormon should be, and that bothers me. I think I'm a very good Christian, but lately I haven't been a very good Mormon, and when you're taught your whole life to be a good Mormon, and you're not being a good Mormon, that can be disappointing. But I know I'm a good human being and a good child of God, so I guess that will have to do.

I've been wanting to talk about the recent statement the LDS Church made regarding making our voices known in regards to the proposition of a constitutional amendment against gay marriage. Obviously, I am not surprised by the church's coming out against gay marriage, but it still bothered me that they read that statement over the pulpit because they're always claiming political neutrality, and I'm sorry, but that simply isn't true. I also thought it was an unnecessary action because the amendment was largely political and had little chance of being passed, and we already know the church's stand on the issue. It just felt like salt being poured in a wound. I bristled when they read it (and my mom noticed). It just made me sad and angry. It just seemed unnecessary to me.

The whole debate really gets on my nerves. I just wish the people who are against homosexuality and gay marriage could step in our shoes for one minute just so they would really understand what it's like to be on the other side. They still might not agree, but at least they would understand how it really feels and have a bit more compassion, I would hope.

In church today, they talked about King Saul and David, two people who started out good and then fell due to their mistakes, and even though I'm trying to rationalize my condition, there was a part of me that thought, "That's who I am. I'm forfeiting my kingdom because I can't trust God enough to do what I know is right." Then another voice said, "You've done your best. What more can you do? How long are you going to keep punishing yourself when you've got such good things in front of you. You'll get what you deserve, and you will still be happy." Then the other voice said, "You need to have more faith and just endure to the end," and the other voice answered, "How much more faith am I expected to have? How much more can I endure?" One thing that really resonated with me was that these men who "fell" were still really good people and that God knew full well how difficult life would be.

Anyway, I'm tired of always flip-flopping on this issue, and I'm sure many of you out there are as sick and tired of it as I am. There's just so much residue, and I'm never sure which voices to believe anymore.

I wish I was more emotional. I don't know why this wall is up so high or why I've subconsciously convinced myself that crying is not a good thing. Jonah will write me emails about how much he misses me and that he cries about it. I miss Jonah very much, but I don't cry. My mom's on a vacation, and I miss her, but I don't cry. Life holds many challenges, but I don't cry over them. And consciously, I'd love to cry. I'd love to have a bawling fit over something. But I don't. It bothers me sometimes that I'm so unemotional and rational and practical all the time. It makes me feel like I'm not fully living or feeling. And it bothers me that I only seem to love Jonah with part of my heart rather than all of it when I so much want to allow myself to love him fully. It's not fair to either of us. Someone like Jonah is just what I need. I love him a lot. I just wish I could feel more deeply.

Jonah's been busy with his job and I with mine, and so we haven't talked as much as we usually do, which we both miss very much. I know he's expressed how odd it is not to have my constant companionship, and I feel the same way. But things are calming down for both of us, I believe, and so hopefully we'll get more time with one another.

My acting job is going well. We've been in rehearsal, and we open pretty soon. It's not my favorite show I've ever been in, but I feel very blessed to be acting for pay and with people I love and care about.

Jonah bought me a very nice, unexpected gift. He's such a generous soul. What a great guy (and not just because of the present).