"Vacation's All I Ever Wanted"

Last week Jonah and I spent time in Las Vegas and also Cedar City for the Shakespearean Festival. We had such a great time. It was so nice to see and be with him after a few months apart. I didn't realize just how much I had missed him. We had a nice dinner our first night together. I gave him his birthday present, which I can now tell you about. My sister has a scrapbooking program on her computer, and she used it to make a photo memoir of a recent trip my mom took to Nauvoo. I'm not really into scrapbooking, but what the program was able to do and how it creative it came out made me want to do something similar for Jonah. So I took all the photos we had of things we've done together or places and events that are special to us, and I compiled them using this program. I really put a lot of thought into it, and it was quite a time-consuming project, but I knew Jonah would love it...and he did. It was really a great gift, I think; something that meant a lot to him (well, to both of us, actually). Jonah brought to my attention a fringe benefit I hadn't thought about: we can continue adding pages to the album as our relationship continues. I thought that made the gift even better.

The next day Jonah and I hung out and did some shopping. Then we slept (read: slept) together, which was nice. Later that night I got to see Phantom of the Opera at the Venetian. I'm not a huge fan of the show. I saw it back in 1989 on Broadway and was rather nonplussed by it. I think the plot is weak, the songs are average, and it's just basically a show about special effects. However, I did have a very good time this time. I still don't care for the show itself, but the special effects were amazing, the performances were very good, and because the show has been trimmed for a Vegas audience, it was much better time-wise.

Jonah says they had like a $40,000,000 budget or something, and it shows. It really was an amazing show visually. After the show, Jonah and I had a quick bite together, and I met some of his friends, which was nice.

The next day Jonah and I went to see HMS Pinafore in Cedar City. I am not a Gilbert and Sullivan fan by any means, but I thought the show was excellent. One of my friends was in it, and he was terrific. The show was well-acted, sung, choreographed, costumed, and directed. I just thought it was a very solid production. Jonah agreed. I am surprised that a Gilbert and Sullivan show turned out to be the best show I saw, but it was really good.

We had dinner with my friend, and he surprised me by letting me know that he and his wife of two years were getting a divorce. They had dated a long time before getting married and seemed very compatible to me. He didn't go into details, but it was a shock to me. I guess it's for the best.

I got to schmooze with some big-wigs at the festival, too, which, hopefully, will be good for my career later on. I got to meet a director I've always wanted to work with and also met the Festival's artistic director. Three of my college professors, who happened to all be there the same day, talked me up as did my friend, so that was nice. One of the professors was a man I hadn't seen in 15 years. I was in his last show before he retired. He was still of sound mind, but looked quite frail physically. He was in a wheelchair, and it bothered me a bit to see this man so sickly.

Jonah and I took a nap at the hotel before seeing Room Service that night. It was funny and had a pretty solid cast. Another friend was in that show, and we arranged to meet with him for dinner the next day. I think Jonah really liked Room Service.

Jonah and I cuddled together that night, and it just felt so good to be with him. I just felt right, and the scripture about a good tree not bearing evil fruit came to mind. I thought, "This feels good, and it feels right, so how can it be wrong?" I prayed to God that night and asked him to just let me be with this man and be okay with it.

I will say when you're used to sleeping alone most of your life, it's an adjustment sleeping with someone else. I'm sure I'll get used to it, though.

The next morning Jonah and I made out, which was really nice. I'm still not ready for sex yet, and Jonah's okay with that. But it sure was nice to be with him, and I didn't feel guilty at all, so that made me happy.

We had breakfast the next morning. I think I got a touch of food poisoning, but it wasn't too serious. We did some more shopping and window-shopping, and then we went to see On Golden Pond. I thought, overall, the show was pretty good. The two leads were quite good. Jonah thought the pacing was too slow, and he may have been right. We both liked the set, and we both agreed that the nineteen year-old who was cast as a thirteen year-old was miscast. I didn't believe for a minute he was thirteen and thought he was trying too hard. We found him annoying. I also felt the actress who played the daughter was a bit exaggerated. But it was a decent production.

We then went to dinner with our friend, and that was enjoyable.

We then watched the Greenshow, which was entertaining. I was somewhat tired, but not too bad.

Then we saw Hamlet. Jonah didn't care for it. I thought it was a decent production; not the best I've ever seen, but certainly not the worse. I thought Brian Vaughn, who played Hamlet, did a good job.

Then Jonah and I drove back to my house in Salt Lake City. We had a really nice talk on the way up. We talked about a lot of different things, but also talked about our relationship and love for each other. Jonah bought my sister a lighthouse in Cedar City. She loves lighthouses, and Jonah was using her room to sleep over, so he thought it a kind gesture. Jonah's very thoughtful like that.

The next day my mom took Jonah and I to breakfast. I'm so glad Mom likes Jonah and am so glad she's being supportive of us and our relationship.

When we got home, I mowed the lawn for my mom while she and Jonah chatted. I'm glad that gave them the chance to get to know one another even better. I know if our places had been switched, I'm not sure I would have felt nearly as comfortable chatting with Jonah's mom alone for an hour.

After I mowed the lawn, Jonah wanted to go to the mall. Jonah likes to walk and window-shop, which aren't necessarily my thing, but Jonah's very supportive of activities that I like to do that maybe he doesn't necessarily want to do, so I guess it's only fair to do what he wants to do, too. I guess that's what relationships are about. It turns out we had a good time.

Jonah's loves jewelry. We went in a store that I've only been in one other time in my life, and that was to get my niece a present. I remember feeling awkward the last time I was there because it's a store frequented by pre-adolescent girls, and I remember feeling like a pedophile and was sure everyone was thinking, "Why is this middle-aged man here?" This time I just felt very gay. I joked with Jonah later that the store made me feel a lot gayer than I was comfortable with. After all, I'm pretty straight-acting.

Jonah has fairly gaudy taste in jewelry, but he knows I think that. I figure whatever makes him happy is fine with me. Besides, he puts up with my geeky obsession with all things "Star Wars," so I figure we're even. Jonah even says he's toned down his taste in clothes and jewelry since we met. I find that hard to believe (that's just a joke at Jonah's expense).

That night Jonah and my mom came to see me perform in my show. I thought that was cool that my mom and boyfriend were hanging out. They both enjoyed the show. This is my mom's third time seeing it, and she says it gets better each time. I think it's a somewhat mediocre show, but audiences seem to enjoy it, and Jonah and Mom had fun, so I guess I can't complain.

After the show, Jonah, Mom, my sister, and I talked, and then Jonah sang for us. He's got a great voice. Mine's pretty good, but Jonah has a very powerful, precise instrument. He sang, "Someone Like You" from Jekyll and Hyde. That song was once very special to me and my ex-girlfriend, but as I listened to Jonah sing it, it took on new meaning for me and really made me think about how it applies to our own relationship. Jonah later said it took on new meaning for him as well. I thought it was both odd and wonderful that I was staring at Jonah with goo-goo eyes in the presence of both my mom and sister, something I once never dreamed would be possible.

Jonah and I spent some moments together that night, and then the next day I drove him to the airport so that he could fly back home. But I'll be seeing him soon.

I was supposed to work at my other job, but was told they didn't need me, so I spent most of the day watching old episodes of "24," which was fun. That night my mom and I went to Logan to see Noises Off, which was a lot of fun. I also got to see some old friends, so that was nice, too. It was nice to have a week of fun and theatre.

I spent the majority of the next day doing my show. We had good audiences,, but my voice was a bit tired by the end of the day.

On Sunday I bore my testimony in church. I didn't particularly want to get up, but felt very compelled to do so. I said I knew the Church was true, but that knowing something and living it were not necessarily easy to do. I also felt very impressed to deliver the following message to the congregation: that there are many of us in the Church dealing with horrific problems and issues that are never talked about openly in Sacrament Meeting; things like abuse, addiction, alcoholism, pornography, divorce, mental illness, health problems, etc., and that we suffer in silence but put on brave faces and pretend that everything is okay. We're good, stoic members on the outside, but no one truly knows the battles we wage daily in our hearts. We feel that no one truly understands what we are going through and fear the judgments of our fellow man if they were ever to discover what we're really like. I said that in spite of everything, God knows and loves us perfectly. He knows exactly what we are going through and loves and understands us unconditionally.

I related a recent experience I had. While I was away at school, several of my friends and fellow castmates got on the subject of religion and talked about who they thought was the most upstanding individual they had worked with at this particular theater, and my name came up. On one hand it made me feel good that people view me that way, but it also made me feel like a hypocrite because I'm not living my life according to what I've been taught. That certainly doesn't make me a bad person, but I wondered if, in their eyes, it would. I swear I do not say this boastfully, but, like it or not, I am an example to others. Many people perceive me to be a very good Mormon, and the fact is, while I think I am a very good Christian, I'm not so sure that I am currently a very good Mormon. I said in my testimony that I never wanted to be somebody's example or posterboy and that I don't want people to put me on a pedestal because if I fall, what will that do to them? I realize in the end that's their problem, but certainly I'm not stupid enough to think that my actions don't affect others. But I stressed that I am human and imperfect and that I have my failings and that I'm dealing with one of the most difficult struggles I've ever had.

My last statement was a caution to not judge others because we never really know what's going on inside their hearts unless we actually walk in their shoes. I also made the statement that no matter what happens to me in the future, I love and have always loved this church and the gospel. On some level, it felt like a farewell address. After all, I don't know what will happen in the future. My relationship with Jonah may very well cause me to lose my standing in the Church.

In any case, I really felt the Spirit and many people complimented me afterwards. I wasn't looking for compliments, though. I just know that so many people are silently crying and need assurance that the Lord still loves them.

It's strange. I still believe the Church is true, but I believe there are things to be learned by following a different path. My relationship with Jonah no longer makes me feel as guilty as it once did, and on some level I really believe we're meant to be together. How that correlates with the gospel plan, I don't know, but I feel more and more at peace with the choices I'm making. I do fear how my actions might affect others, but I know God loves me, and I feel okay with where I'm going.

I found the recent articles about gay Mormons in heterosexual marriages very interesting. I'm glad that isn't a path I took. I don't think it would have been the right one. But I think each individual has to follow the path that they feel is right for them, and that's what I am trying to do.

Jonah and I have talked about moving in together, but we agree that, for now, the time isn't right. But I do see it happening sooner than later. And I think I'm feeling pretty good about it.

All I know is that it has taken me such a long time to find somebody I love who loves me, and I remember how empty my life was before I met Jonah. So if it's wrong, I guess it's wrong. All I know is that in spite of the challenges, I feel very happy with Jonah. I think we're enriching each others' lives, and I feel God has blessed us with each other. Again, I don't know how that corresponds with my testimony, but I'm taking it for the blessing it is.

Email From My Sister-In-Law

The other day I received the following email from my sister-in-law:

Dear Cody,

I have always wanted to have the chance, now that you are home, to sit down
and really have a talk with you (heart to heart). I really have felt a
connection with you in the past and have felt your love and support during
some difficult times in my life. However I never seem to find the right
time. I don't know how you would feel about talking about your feelings and
challenges in a room full of family members. It seems that when ever I come
someone else does too. The last thing that I would want to do is put you in
an uncomfortable position. I would also hate for you to interpret my silence
as a lack of care or concern. So many times I have wanted to wrap my arms
around you and tell you how much I love you but I didn't want that to be
weird. So I have decided to talk to you this way until you let me know how
you feel about the other.
How are you doing? Sometime it seems that I can see the pain in your eyes.
What can I do to help? Is this something that you want to talk about or
not? Please let me know how you feel. I am alway here for you. I love you.

Here was my response:

I wouldn't mind having that heart-to-heart myself. In all honesty, I don't mind talking about it in front of everybody. Obviously, I like the one on ones, but if you're ever here on your own and Mom and [my sister] are here, too, I certainly don't mind talking about it in front of them. Mom's already gotten quite an earful. :-)
I've never interpreted your silence as a lack of care or concern. I know how very much you love and care about me. And don't ever feel that it would be weird for you to hug me and tell me how much you love me. I would welcome it.
I wish I could tell you that all is well as far as this issue is concerned. I wish I could tell you that my testimony is so strong that I can overcome my challenges and stay true to the Church. I wish I could tell you the answers are so black and white that there is no question as to what my choice should be. But I can't do that. I'm literally torn between two entities I love very much (Jonah and the Church), and even though I wish my faith were strong enough to stick with the path I've tried ardently to travel these last few years, I don't know that it is.
Jonah has been absolutely great through all this. He has been very patient and understanding and has never pushed me to make a choice either way. The other day I wrote him an email telling him how hard this is and he thought I was saying I couldn't be with him and told me if I needed to choose the Church to be happy, then that's what I should do. But that devastated me (and him as well). I have never been so sad in a long time as I was when I thought I would lose him. And I was upset because I just didn't know how much more of this I could take or what God expected of me anymore.
I love the Church. I really do. And it would make me sad to leave it. I don't want that. I'm still active. I still try to do those things I'm supposed to do. But it just doesn't seem to be enough, and I don't understand why. In many ways I feel like I'm a good Christian, but that I'm failing as a Mormon.
All I know is that I really love Jonah and he loves me more than anybody has in any romantic relationship I've been in. This relationship is one of the most satisfying ones I've ever had, and if it's wrong, it really confuses me because it feels right. This is a gut-wrenching, soul sucking decision I have to make, and I wish I could tell you I'm going to "choose the right," but I just don't know that I am. I'm tired of pretending I'm something I'm not. I'm tired of trying to live my life a certain way and not getting results. I'm tired of being alone and having nothing to look foward to but being alone. I've finally found somebody I can see myself being very happy with, and yet God tells me I can't? It just doesn't make sense anymore.
I wish there was something you could do to help. I don't know what that is. I don't even know the answers. How can expect people who've never walked in these shoes to fully be able to help? All I ask is that you love and support me. If I make what you deem to be a "wrong decision," I hope you'll still always love and support me, whether you agree with me or not.
It's a heavy burden I carry in this life. I don't know why it's mine, but it is, and I feel I've done the best I could. I feel I've tried to live the best, most Christian life I've been capable of living. If that's not enough, I just don't know what else to do.
I'm sorry if these aren't the words you want to hear, but it's what I currently feel.

I love you very much and thank you for your continual prayers and support.

Love,

Cody

I also have an email I'd like to post from my friend, Gayle, who wrote the op-ed piece in this post, but I'm waiting to hear from her before I do that.

That's all. Church was good today, but frustrating at the same time.

Recent Musings

I haven't posted in a bit, mostly because I don't really have much to say lately.
It looks like I'll be working in Utah this summer, which I have mixed feelings about. On the plus side I get to spend some time with my family, and I'll be performing, which, of course, is my ideal version of a job. On the other hand, I'm away from Jonah, and while I'm excited to work with some old friends again, the show I'm performing in is not necessarily the genre of theatre I'm most excited to be doing. But, who knows, maybe I'll have a good time. At least I'm acting, which I'm extremely grateful for.

I spent the day with Jonah yesterday. It was good to spend time with him. Like he says, this is good practice for us because our careers may very well cause us to be apart for indeterminate amounts of time. We both feel it will make our relationship stronger in many ways. The thing we are both extremely grateful for is how much we genuinely trust one another. I honesty don't give a second thought that Jonah's heart would stray away from me, and I'm sure he feels the same way about me.

Yesterday we napped in my bed, and it was just so nice to be held by him and to hold him. I just thought as I fell asleep in his arms, "What is so wrong about this?" We made out, and it got pretty hot and heavy, which was fun and exciting, but I'm still not ready to have sex yet. I guess my thing is since I still have one foot in my religion, I know that sex is the line I can't cross without risking excommunication from a church that I love and hold dear. I know it must seem ironic to some that I cherish so highly a religion that is not accepting of homosexual relationships, but I do. I really do. Just as much as my sexual preferences are a part of who I am so is the religion I was brought up in.

I've always promised myself that if I leave the LDS church that I will not become bitter or resentful towards it, like many people sometimes do. They feel the church has somehow wronged them or that they lost time devoted to a cause they no longer believe in or blame the church for their circumstances. I would contend that the Mormon church has afforded me some of the best qualities I have and some of the greatest opportunities and experiences I have known in my life. And I certainly do not feel that I have lost or wasted any time belonging to it. The circumstances of my life, both good and bad, have made me who I am and brought me to this point in my life, and if circumstances had been different, I may have never met Jonah, who has been such a blessing in my life. And, call me crazy, I still believe the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is God's true church on this earth. I simply have come to a point where I have tried my hardest to live according to its tenets, and I don't know that I have the faith to do so anymore. And I'm learning that maybe that's okay. I'm here to learn and be tested and to love, and I'm doing all that. What I have felt lately is that God loves me and wants me to live and wants me to experience, and nothing I do is going to change that.

We often have this human understanding of God and can't really understand the full magnitude of his love and mercy. We somehow feel (myself included) that if we make mistakes or if we fail in our human endeavors that God will be disappointed and not love us as much as he does someone else who we mistakenly perceive to be doing better than we are. Does that mean I don't believe that people will pay for the wrongs they have done and not repented of or that some people won't get a higher reward in the eternities than others? No. But I do believe God loves all of us with a love that we cannot even fathom and that he wants us to be happy more than anything else.

I just feel I'm at an odd place in my life where I'm discovering eternal truths in places I never expected to find them. I love my religion very, very much. It is a huge part of who I am, and there is so much good to be found there. There is also good to be found in other places, too, and I am finding some of that as well.

Recently on another blog I read some comments from someone I presume to be an active member of my church. He was snidely berating a fellow member for choosing to leave the church to more fully accept his being gay. As I read the comments, I was ashamed of his self-righteous, callous attitude and thought to myself, "Jesus wouldn't have dealt with his brother in this manner." Likewise, on the same blog, there was a letter from someone who had served as a bishop along with this man. While he still did not agree with this brother's decision, I found the tone of his letter to be much more loving. My brother wrote me a similar letter when I revealed my relationship with Jonah. We don't have to agree with people's decisions, but there is a much more Christ-like way to handle our disagreements than was evidenced in the comments section of this person's blog.

And the bottom line is each of us has to make our own decisions and do what we feel is best for us, and ultimately that decision is between us and God alone, and we will answer to Him and no one else. The Spirit whispers different things to different people. There are times lately when I feel the Spirit telling me things that on the surface seem contradictory to what I have been taught. But what I have to realize is that God sees the whole picture whereas we as humans only see parts, and sometimes what is best for us is not always to be found in your standard "Sunday School answers." God told us not to kill, but there are many examples in the scriptures where God commanded someone to kill for a higher purpose (Nephi killing Laban, for example, or the numerous holy wars in the Old Testament and Book of Mormon). God told Adam and Eve to multiply and replenish the earth, but he also told them not to eat from the tree of Knowledge, two seemingly contradictory commandments.

Perhaps I'm rationalizing or trying to justify my own actions. I'm not beyond admitting that. But all I'm saying is that what appears to be the cookie-cutter right answer for some may not work for others, and what God allows a person to do may actually have positive results even if it goes against the grain of what is expected.

I had a really interesting lunch with a friend of mine. I told her about Jonah and me, and she was very happy for us. When I met her seven years ago, she was an active member of the church married to an active husband with an active family. They were doing all the "right" things, but she was miserable. Her marriage was in trouble and she was not happy. She has since left the church and remarried a wonderful guy and has started a new business and adopted some new beliefs, and frankly, I've never seen her happier. I remember being sad when she left the church, but the more I saw how happy she was, the more I was confused by how leaving the church that was supposed to help her achieve a greater joy actually was bringing her more joy (in this life, at least). Like me, she holds no bitterness or anger towards the church. Life is what it is. Am I saying that her path is right for everybody? Not at all. But it seems to have worked out very well for her. Some people find what they need in their religion. Some don't and need to find it elsewhere. There are many questions and concerns that I have that I can't find answers to where I'm told they will be. I have done all the things I have been asked to do, and I'm simply not able to do what is required of me. There has to come a time when you say, "This just isn't working for me. Let me try something else." And perhaps in doing that thing, you will discover what brings you the most joy.

It is a hard thought to think about leaving the LDS church (although I know it will never leave me), but it may come to that. Not because I want to, but because I might have to. I truly have nothing but kind words for my religion. And I know that my relationship with God is still good no matter what I choose to do.

You know, I was thinking about how excited I am to be in this relationship with Jonah. I dawned on me that if Jonah were a woman, I could share this news with all my friends and they would be excited and happy for me. But because this is a homosexual relationship, I know there are some (not all, by any means) who will be saddened and disappointed by the news. And I thought, "What difference does it make what sex a person is?" All I know is I've found the person of my dreams, and I'm happy with him. I just wish all people could see the love and look past what they perceive to be a sin.

I'm getting better at doing that myself. I don't feel as guilty as I once did exploring these feelings I've never allowed myself to previously explore, and I think in time I'm going to realize that all the guilt and fear were needless and didn't come from God in the first place. I'm just glad I've taken everything at a slow, thoughtful pace and didn't rush into anything before I was ready to face it.

I hope all of you in blogland are well and that I haven't said anything to upset or offend anyway. This is just what I'm feeling lately.

General Conference and Rent

I'm unintentionally continuing with my musical theme in my blogs, although it seems weird to have General Conference and the musical, Rent, in the same post.

I watched General Conference today and was quite inspired by several talks. Unfortunately, the message from Heavenly Father to me was pretty loud and clear: in spite of what I think I might want, the only true way to eternal happiness is to keep following the path I've been on; that is to say that I must stay true to my testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. As much as I try to rationalize things, the fact of the matter is that I do know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is God's true church on earth and in spite of whatever choices I make in this life, that truth will not change, and I will always know it in my heart.

Conference is supposed to be uplifting, and although in some ways I did feel uplifted and strengthened, I also felt sad because I love Jonah very much, and if I stay on the path I'm on, I know I will hurt him, and I certainly don't wish to do that.

One message that came through very strong for me was that although life's trials and temptations may seem impossible to surmount, God has promised me that they aren't and that I must stay strong and endure to the end. The other message was that I need to worry more about God's will for me rather than what I want myself.

I know that those of you who aren't members of the Mormon Church or who are disenfranchised from it may not understand or agree with that, and I respect that. But it is what my soul felt today. My soul was reminded of what I'm really here to do; that my eternal goals are more important than my temporal goals.

Now don't misunderstand me; that didn't mean I thought, "Oh, well, that's what I need to do, and so I'm going to do it." On the contrary, my thoughts were, "God, why does this have to be so hard? Why does this have to be so confusing? Why is this my trial in life? I don't know that I'm strong enough to do what you ask me to do. You keep telling me I am, and I'm trying to believe you, but sometimes I don't, and then I feel badly about that. But I know that you know my heart and that I am honestly trying to do what I feel you've asked me to do. Help me to want to do your will, and help me be assured of what that will is."

One thing that was said in Conference is that the battles will get harder, not easier. That certainly seems to be the case.

I just want to do what's right. You know? I'm told it will be worth it if I endure until the end. I have to believe it's so. But it's hard. I'm sure many of you understand what I'm talking about.

I feel like such a flip-flopper. One day I'm telling you something; the next day I'm saying the complete opposite. You must all think I'm wishy-washy. But I know what's embedded in my heart, and I can't seem to let it go or even rationalize that it's okay to do so.

Bottom line: like it or not, I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true. I always will. No matter what I decide to do in life, that truth is seared in my heart.

Which brings me to Rent. Jonah and I went to see it tonight. I was feeling crummy because I felt like I was going to have to tell Jonah that I didn't think I could be with him after all, and Jonah seemed down because he sensed it, too (I told you, Jonah is like that; it's like he is so in tune he already knows things. It's a little creepy sometimes (in a good way)).

Contrary to the show's lyrics, I don't believe there is "no day but today." I believe every choice we make has consequences, both in this life and the next.

Anyway, Jonah and I had quite a talk tonight. Again, no pressure from Jonah. He did make it clear he wants to be with me, but said he would understand and respect my choice if I choose otherwise. I said that I just didn't think I could give up what I know to be true. We had a really nice talk. He is such a loving and supportive person, and, most of all, a wonderful friend. Anyway, Jonah had been inspired that the two of us should pray together, and that what we should pray for most of all is that we have peace. And when Jonah is inspired to do something, I feel it's best to follow through. He prayed first, and I prayed second. The Spirit was quite strong, I felt.

So now I'm home. I just said a private prayer. Basically I said, "Heavenly Father, just tell me what to do. Whatever you want, I'll do it. You want me to leave Jonah, I'll do it. You want me to be with him, I'll do it. Just please tell me so I can do it, because I am so confused right now, and Jonah and I are feeling too much turmoil in our hearts because of this situation."

Still waiting on a solid answer. Whatever it is, I just hope I feel at peace with it.

Mistakes and Fiddler on the Roof

I seem to have a musical theme running through my blogs now.

I was in dance class today, and we had a guest instructor. He asked the question, “How many of you beat yourself up when you make mistakes?” I raised my hand high because I tend to do that, especially in dance class (I wouldn’t call dancing my forte). He said something I already knew, but it was nice to be reminded. He asked what happens when we make a mistake. What does it do? And one girl said, “It helps us know what we did wrong, thereby allowing us to figure out how to do it right,” and the instructor said, “Yes, exactly. So often we view mistakes as these terrible things. We view them as our enemy, when in fact they are our friends. By making mistakes, we realize how not to do something, which helps us better understand how to do it correctly (or more correctly) next time. So from this day forward, think of mistakes as your friends.” Again, something I know, but it’s always nice to have it reinforced.

I think we were put on this earth to make mistakes and learn from them. After all, if life is indeed a test, don’t we need to make mistakes? You can’t really test whether something works or not unless you are able to use trial and error. So for all of you out there who, like me, berate yourselves and punish yourselves for making mistakes (even if it’s the same mistake over and over again), calm down and allow mistakes to be made. It’s how we learn and grow.

Today in one of my classes we discussed the musical, Fiddler on the Roof. One of the women in the class was talking about the song, “Matchmaker, Matchmaker” and was saying how she really loved the song because it reminded her of her own search for love. She was pointing out several mutual friends in the class who had a significant other in their lives and how she was envious and was just hoping one day she would find her “Mr. Right.” And I thought to myself how fortunate I really am to have Jonah in my life. He really is just about everything I’ve been looking for in a significant other.

Then the woman talked about “Miracle of Miracles” and said that song touched her, too, because it reminded her that life really is a miracle and of all the miracles in her life that she is grateful for. And that reminded me what a miracle Jonah is in my life and blessed I am that he is a part of my life.

We listened to a song from another musical, Fiorello, called, “I’ll Marry the Very Next Man.” The song itself basically tells the story of a woman who just doesn’t want to be alone anymore, in spite of the cost. And I thought to myself, “I just don’t feel like being alone anymore, and I’ve found this great guy, so why do I need to be?”

Another point was brought up about Fiddler on the Roof where someone brought up the point that these people had to go through so many trials and talked about what good might have come after so much bad. What blessings and rewards come after so much misery and heartache? And I thought that even if taking my relationship with Jonah to a higher level turned out to be a mistake, I would still learn something valuable from that experience, and if it isn’t a mistake then I have a valuable, fulfilling relationship in my life, so don’t I still win either way?

Foxx wrote a nice thought-provoking comment (my favorite kind) to my last post. The basic gist, as I understood it, was that in order to figure out what's true for me, I have to be willing to give up what I think might be true and compare it with the new truth I'm testing in my life and see which one works better for me or makes me happier. Like he said, "saying it doesn't make it easier, but free thinking is all about making decisions for yourself based on your own experience and morality."

The LDS Church has provided me with a lot of joy, and I had the most life-changing, profound spiritual experience I have ever had, either before or since, back in 1991, which is even too personal to post on this anonymous blog. But it is the most real experience I've had in my life, and I was left with the knowledge that the LDS Church was true and that homosexuality was not the path I should follow. There is a cliche phrase used in our testimony meetings that says we know something is true "with every fiber of our being," and back in 1991 I really felt I was able to say that regarding my testimony of the LDS Church. It literally changed my life from night to day, and I have spent my life since then trying to live according to that knowledge. Now things don't seem so clear, but that doesn't mean I believe that truth has changed. There is a famous line from the play Inherit the Wind where one character asks another, "Why is it, my old friend, that you have moved so far away from me?" and the other character responds, "All motion is relative. Perhaps it is you who have moved away - by standing still." I sometimes wonder if it is me who has moved away from what is true or if I have failed to progress to new truths because I have stood still.

I remember a couple of years back a friend of mine, whose son had come out of the closet, and I were talking about my situation, and she suggested that maybe this revelation I had back in 1991 was true for where I was in my life at that time, but that it wasn't necessarily true for me now. At the time, I didn't agree, but I have wondered of late if that might not be the case.

I am extremely grateful for the knowledge I received back then. Had I not, I know my relationship with God would be very strained today, if even existent at all, and I would have made choices that would have taken me down a much more dangerous and unhappy path than the one I have been on. I also would very likely not have met Jonah at all and would certainly have a much different character than the one I have today. So it was good, and I in no way regret where that knowledge has led me.

And I even still believe the LDS Church is true. I really do. This experience I had would make it very difficult for me to feel otherwise. But I also feel like I'm learning that I belong in a certain place in God's plan and that maybe it isn't necessarily the place other members of my church assume I should be in.

There are no easy answers. I mean if I do indeed believe my church is true, then I have to believe that my prophet is an inspired man whom the Lord speaks through and that acting on my homosexual feelings is wrong and that following the precepts of my religion is the way to happiness. Of course, that involves an enormous amount of faith; faith which I'm not always sure I have enough in. I don't expect everyone to understand this, but I have to wonder if it's better to rely on my faith for a religion I've always tried to exercise faith in even if it means I don't get what I think I want right now. Still thinking about that one.

Choices and Into the Woods

I wrote an email to my brother in response to his letter. This is what it said:

First of all, I want you to know I really do appreciate your honesty, your thoughts, counsel, and advice. I know it comes from a place of love and genuine concern for my spiritual well-being. And I know you are concerned that the choices I'm facing right now will have serious effects on my happiness and salvation.

Believe you me, I know my choices don't just affect me. I know the consequences of my choices will have repercussions on the lives of everyone I touch. I've always thought "It's A Wonderful Life" is a good example of the effect we have on other people, even when we are not fully aware of it. I have told mom in the past that if it were just about me, if my choices only affected me, I would have come out of the closet a long time ago. But I realize that my choices don't just affect me. They affect your lives as well, and I've always feared the reality that my choices would affect my family and friends' lives in a negative way, and I have never wanted that. Believe you me, I am not out to hurt anybody or disappoint anybody or wreak havoc on the lives of a family that I dearly love.

And I am not looking for approval. I know I won't receive (nor did I expect to receive) that; not with the strong testimonies that you have. And I have always admired you for cultivating your testimony in such a way that it is so strong that you know you must ardently defend your beliefs. I wish I were that way. While I believe my testimony has been strong in many ways, I've also always felt that I've been kind of a wishy-washy, half-hearted member of the church. And I guess the reason for that is no matter how active and spiritual I have been, I've just never been able to reconcile the gospel plan with many of the feelings in my heart.

That doesn't mean I don't believe the Church is true. I know that must sound contradictory in way. But what I mean is this: I have tried so hard my whole life to do the best I can to live my life the way God has commanded me to, and I just don't know that I'm strong enough to do it anymore. I don't know whether it's because I don't have enough faith or that I don't have the determination or the true desire or the will-power or what, but God is commanding me to want a lot of things that I just don't seem to want. I have no desire to marry a woman, and I have little desire to be alone for the rest of my life. But I also don't want to hurt anybody, and I know that if I make the choice to be with Jonah I will inevitably hurt some of the people I love very much. You talk about the many hearts I will break if I make this decision. I suppose I can't argue with you that that is a reality. But what about my heart? It seems like my heart breaks every day no matter what choice I make.

There have been numerous times in my life when I just wish that the Lord would release me from this mortal coil just so I don't have to deal with this anymore. Please don't misinterpret that to mean that I'm suicidal in any way because I'm not. Not at all. I just wish that I didn't have to deal with this anymore because it seems that no matter what choices I make in my life regarding this issue, someone's going to be unhappy. And no matter what I do, I'm going to feel bad. I'll feel bad if I hurt those I love, and I'll also feel bad because I'm trapped in a life where I'm commanded to live one way and yet I don't feel that's who I really am at all. I feel like I live a facade every day of my life and that I'm unable to express what I really feel without the fear of being judged or condemned for it. I put on a brave face all the time and do what I'm asked to do, and yet I feel like I'm living a lie; that I'm trying to be someone I'm not. And I feel like because I'm commanded to live my life in a certain way, I will be alone for the rest of my life, and it just doesn't seem fair or right.

I know life isn't meant to be fair. It's a test, and we're all asked to endure until the end. But this soldier is very battle-scarred and weary, and I just fear I don't have it in me to fight anymore. And Alma is right: "Wickedness never was happiness," which is why all this is so confusing to me. Because in many ways I feel happier than I've felt in years. In fact, since I've been here at [college], I have felt so happy and so fulfilled, and my relationship with Jonah has brought me such joy, and I can't understand why if it's wrong does it feel so right. Perhaps I am under Satan's influence. Well, if I am, he's very good at what he does. I sometimes fear I'm just one of those "honorable men of the earth, who [is] blinded by the craftiness of men."

Perhaps you're right, maybe if I wasn't involved in the career I am, things would be easier and I wouldn't cross paths so readily with people who are more accepting of these things. But God gave me certain talents, and the theatre is where I am the happiest and most fulfilled in my life. I can't imagine what I would do with my life if I couldn't do what I am doing, and quite frankly I feel so much more accepted and at home with my theatre friends than I do just about anywhere else. I feel like I belong here, that I fit here. That I can just be who I am rather than put on a mask all day.

I said before that I would never wish this struggle on anyone, but I do often wish my loved ones could walk a lifetime in my shoes. The only people who really truly understand what people like me go through are people who experience this struggle first-hand and Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. Other people can empathize or sympathize, but they can never know what I truly feel in my heart just as I can never truly know another person's heart. Heavenly Father knows my heart better than anyone else. I am trying to do my best to please him.

I'm just so weary of fighting, and no amount of scripture-reading, praying, or church-going seems to make the battle any easier. I've found somebody I really love who loves me and it's hard to keep an eternal perspective when I have someone who makes me so happy right now. But I haven't made a decision yet, and Jonah has been so good about letting me work this out and is trying very hard to understand where I'm coming from with my religious views and is being very patient and knows fully well that I may continue on the path I've been on all these years. I know that's what you all want for me, and I respect that. It's just such a difficult battle and a tiring one and one that often doesn't seem fair or just or even worth it sometimes. I wish I didn't feel that way. I really do. I love God and I love my religion and I love my family. But I love Jonah, too, and everything doesn't seem as black and white as all that to me right now. Things just don't make sense sometimes. If God said you couldn't be with [your wife] anymore, I imagine that would be very difficult for you. You might argue that He wouldn't ask you to do that, that it would be contrary to his plan; likewise, I don't understand why God would ask me to do something that seems so contrary to my nature. But knowing you, if God did ask you to give up [your wife], knowing you, you would probably be obedient enough that you would. Would I were that strong and obedient myself.

I'm sorry that this isn't what you want to hear. I truly am. And if I do make the decision to give up certain things to be with Jonah, perhaps I will be giving up my birthright for a mess of potage. I really don't know anymore. I honestly don't mean to be selfish, and I hope you can forgive me if I am, but I feel like I've been living my life to please other people for so long, and I don't know if I can do that anymore. And I'm fully aware my actions and choices have repercussions on the lives of those I love, but I also know that ultimately it is I, and I alone, who must face God at the last day and account for my own actions and endure the consequences of those actions, whether they be good or bad. What I do know is God loves me and ultimately, whatever I decide, I have to be at peace with it. And if I make mistakes, I will have to learn from them. That's what life is about, I suppose.

Again, I truly do appreciate your love, support, advice, counsel, and prayers. I really do. I suppose I need them now more than ever. I do love you. That will never change. And I'm glad to know that you love me and that you will never give up on me. That's what Christ does, too. You are a good example, and I am thankful for that.

I love you so much.

Your brother,

Cody

Jonah and I went to see Into the Woods Friday night. It is one of my favorite musicals. The original Broadway production actually came out in 1987, when I was still in high school and struggling with these feelings a lot. I came out briefly in 1990, three years afterwards. But I remember these lyrics, which were thought-provoking to me back then and which I was reminded of again Friday night:

Do you know what you wish?
Are you certain what you wish
Is what you want?
If you know what you want,
Then make a wish.

But how can you know what you want
Till you get what you want
And you see if you like it?

All I know is
What I want most of all
Is to know what I want.

Although how can you know
Who you are till you know
What you want, which you don't?
So then which do you pick:
Where you're safe, out of sight,
And yourself, but where everything's wrong?
Or where everything's right
And you know that you'll never belong?

Must it all be either less or more,
Either plain or grand?
Is it always "or"?
Is it never "and"?

Just remembering you've had an "and,"
When you're back to "or,"
Makes the "or" mean more
Than it did before.
Now I understand...

Those are actually lyrics from four different songs, but there is a common thread through just about every song in Into the Woods about choices and learning and experiences. I could write a whole paper on this show. In fact, I often thought about doing a thesis on it. My graduate program doesn't require us to write a thesis, though, so that will have to be for another day. In any case, I often wonder why we have to think of it as you can either be gay or you can keep your religion. Isn't there some way to do both? For some, they choose to follow the teachings of the church and remain celibate. For others, they choose to act on their gay feelings but still have a good relationship with God, even if their standing in the church itself has been compromised. Ultimately, one has to decide what will make them happiest. I've tried for many years to stay true to the teachings of my church and not act on my homosexual feelings. Although in many ways it has brought me happiness, in other ways I have felt completely unfulfilled. I often wonder what it's like on the other side of the fence. Perhaps I won't find happiness there, either, but on some level I feel I'll never know unless I try. What I do know is that I've been very happy and fulfilled with Jonah lately, and if that is wrong, I guess it's wrong. But it feels so right in so many ways. My only regret is that if I choose to be with Jonah, I will hurt some members of my family and some friends. But I also have to realize that this is my life, and as long as I am at peace with my decision, whatever that decision may be, I can't really worry too much about how it affects others because it's really up to them how they choose to react.

Anyway, I guess that's all I have to say for now.