Changes

Well, I'm officially starting my last week of graduate school. It's hard to believe that I only have 32 weeks of school left. That seems very short, and with as quickly as the last two years have flown, it'll be over before I know it. It's a little scary to think about what comes next, but it's a good "scary."

So this has been an extremely interesting week. I found out a few days ago that a very good friend of mine who I've known for about ten years is going through almost exactly what I'm going through. He's been an active Mormon for years and is truly one of the best people I know. But he's met a guy he's gotten serious with and seems ready to explore the relationship even if it means distancing himself from the Church. I really felt a great deal of empathy for what he's going through and even admiration for taking the road less traveled.

He's gone through a lot this year. Two years ago he got married. I was saddened that it didn't work out because they are both great people, and I'm sure they've both had a difficult road to travel because of these issues. At the same time it just reaffirmed in me that maybe people like us just aren't meant to get married and that maybe there is more joy to be found for us in a homosexual relationship. At this point, neither my friend nor I know the answer, but we both seem to be in a place and frame of mind where we feel it's worth a shot.

I find it really odd and kind of trippy that we both happen to be dealing with this same stuff at the same time and even trippier that we've both been dealing similar issues as long as we've known each other, but didn't know it. But it's really nice to have a good friend to share things with who's going through similar things, and I hope he feels the same way. I also feel that my friend is one of the best people I've known, and if he and people like us are indeed going to hell or some lower kingdom, then at least I take comfort in the fact that I will be there with a lot of people I love.

What my communications with him have caused me to do, though, is to slowly, once again, creak this closet door open. I've told several of my friends at school about Jonah and me. They've all been enormously supportive, and everyone seems really happy for this. I think it's because they know both of us well and know our characters and know we're good for each other. Most importantly, I think they just sense how happy we make each other. As one friend said, "I just love both of you so much. I'm so happy for both of you."

What's cool is I feel like I can be honest about this relationship, and I'm not so worried about what people think anymore. Here where I'm going to school, it's easier. Most of my friends aren't LDS and are pretty supportive of gay relationships anyway. But they do all know how important my religious beliefs are to me and no that this is not a road without its complications.

In Utah it would be harder to be as open about things...at least to some people. I imagine that's the road I am headed down, though. I actually want to share a quote from an email my friend sent to me, but I'm waiting to for him to give me his permission. But some of things he said really helped me understand the choices I feel I must make at this juncture in my life.

I really find it no coincidence that my friend and I are going through similar stuff right now. I really think God is helping me forge the path I'm supposed to take right now.

It's nice to be back in town near Jonah again. We're both have differing schedules, but I'm not worried about it. I think things will be all right.

The other night Jonah and I were making out and I went a little farther than I had intended. Nobody's fault, but I did feel a little guilty. But it did make me realize that I would like to formalize our relationship (whether a marriage or civil ceremony or what-have-you)) before we have sex. Jonah is fine with that. He is amazing. He really is.

Recently I was more stressed out than I have been in a long, long time (about a lot of different things), and I'm not one who tends to get stressed out very easily. But anyway, I didn't have a lot of time, but I went and had dinner with Jonah on his work break, and he just made feel so, so much better, and I thought as I was driving back home, "This guy just makes me feel great. He brings out the best in me. I just can't believe this could be wrong."

I've really been thinking about a future with him, and it feels good. I can't believe I'm where I am in my life now. I wouldn't have thought I'd end up here. But I really like where I am. I feel really happy, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm with somebody I love, and, gosh, he loves me! I am amazed every day by how much Jonah really adores me. It's something I haven't had in so long, and I love, love, love it! And more importantly, I suppose, I love him, too. I think I'm good for him, and I think he's good for me. What more could I want?

I'm hoping the two of us can get married and move in together in the near future. It would be nice. I also think it would be good for Jonah to get out of his parents' house. They are driving him insane.

Jonah and I had a misunderstanding this week. It wasn't bad or anything, but I think there were hurt feelings. We totally talked it out, and everything is fine now. But what's cool about our relationship is we really talk things out and it's always in a very calm, collected way. We were discussing the fact that we've never had a fight. There may be an occasional disagreement or misunderstanding, but I cherish the trust and kindness that exists in this relationship. And, most importantly, I really feel Jonah is opening me up a lot. I've been so closed and so afraid to love or feel for so long, and I am just finding so many blessings; so much gold in this relationship.

I really think this is going to be a very good year.

Utter Sorrow and Utter Joy

Jonah and I had a major misunderstanding. It started when I received an email from him on Sunday. One of the things he said in the email was that he hoped I was having a good Sunday.

Well, my Sunday was not very good. I went to church. In Sunday School they were talking about Jonathan and David. I've always wondered if Jonathan's feelings towards David ever went beyond just "brotherly love." I think David was probably straight, but I sometimes wonder about Jonathan. In any case, the lesson made me think about Saul and David, two people who had it all and lost much of it due to their transgressions.

My former bishop, who's also a very close and dear friend wanted to meet with me after church. We met, and I told him about my relationship with Jonah. This man is no longer my bishop. He's simply a good friend who's truly interested in my happiness and well-being. Well, of course, that news wasn't the best news to hear on his end, I'm sure. To his credit, he's extremely nonjudgmental and compassionate, but, of course, he's concerned about me. I told him I simply wasn't sure I could go on living my life according to the tenets of the church as far as this issue is concerned. I told him I loved the church dearly and, of course, would be very sad to leave it, but that I just didn't know what I was going to do.

Of course, he doesn't know how to help me and what he can do to make things better for me. I don't think there's much he can do. He's simply a human being doing his best to help in the best way he knows how. There was no judgment or chastising. He was simply seeing how I was doing. But as I looked at him, he looked so tired and worn down; not even by my problems, but just from being a bishop. This man, who I will call Frank, is beyond doubt probably the most Christ-like person I know. He truly cares about people, and I think he genuinely tries to love all those he comes in contact with. He goes beyond and above the call of duty and is always helping people. I actually think he's generous to a fault. But he's generous because he truly loves people. If there is an example I am in such great admiration of, it is Frank.

And Frank looked so tired and helpless as I talked to him, and it made me feel guilty. I want to stress that Frank didn't do anything to provoke my guilt. I just felt guilty. We hugged goodbye after I talked, and I just felt bad the rest of the day, and I wasn't even sure why.

In any case, when Jonah wished me a good Sunday, I explained that I was feeling guilty and that I had told my former bishop about us and that I still wasn't sure what I needed to do. Well, Jonah mistakenly took my response as my way of saying that I didn't think I could continue our relationship and that I wanted to break it off. So he sent me an email back saying that if staying true to the church was going to make me happier than being with him, then maybe that's what I should do. And I mistakenly thought his email meant that his patience was at an end (which I wouldn't blame him for) and that he wanted to break it off with me.

Well, when I read that I was so devastated and sad. I went to work and was in such a depressed and angry state, which many people noticed because it's unusual for me to get that way. It was tearing me apart to think that I wouldn't be with Jonah for the rest of my life, and it made me angry that God would put us together only to rip us apart, and it made me especially upset because I knew the faults in our relationship rested mainly with me and my inability to decide what I really want. So I was just miserable.

After work I got in my car and just sobbed, which is very unusual because I tend to be pretty stoic and unemotional about things. Well, when I got home, my mom noticed I was very depressed and asked me what was wrong, and I explained the situation and that I thought Jonah was breaking up with me and that I couldn't bear the thought of being without him and how I've spent my whole life trying to be a good person, and how according to the dictates of Mormonism, I feel in many ways that I am a failure; that I have tried so hard to "do what's right," and that the Church doesn't have the answers I seek, and how if Jonah was a woman, everyone would be overjoyed, but because he's a guy, I feel like most of the people in my religious network would be very saddened by my news.

Well, I sobbed in her arms for a bit, and she assured me that I was a very good person, and that she knew that the choices I faced were difficult, but that she only wanted me to be happy and could see I've spent much of my life trying to "do my best," and we had a very open conversation about homosexuality and my relationship with Jonah. I told her it confused me that the place I'm told to seek joy and happiness doesn't seem to be providing me with it, and the place I'm told not to go seems to be making me very happy. I told her, "It's not like I want to leave the church, but I just want to be happy, and Jonah makes me happy." She said she knew, and I even talked about wanting to marry Jonah. She says while she doesn't understand everything, she knows I'm going through a horrible ordeal and that if being with Jonah would ease my pain, then maybe that's what I needed to do. To hear that from my own mother made me feel so much better.

In any case, I wrote Jonah a long email back explaining that I was sorry if I was causing him such frustration and pain, but that I understood if he needed to break up with me for his own sanity. Well, I got an email this morning saying that he had misinterpreted my original email as my wanting to break up with him and that he was only trying to make it easier for me. Needless to say, neither one of us wants to break up with the other, and we are both very happy now. Jonah left me some wonderful words of encouragement and, in essence, says he's in this for the long haul.

In a way, though, I'm glad this miscommunication occurred because I feel I gained three valuable things from it:

1) It made me realize how deeply I really do care for and love Jonah. I am a brick wall emotionally, and the thought of us breaking up devastated me. It was good to know that I actually had feelings deeper than I could have imagined. It made me feel more alive, even if it wasn't particularly fun to experience.

2)It prompted a much needed conversation with my mom. We were really open about everything, and it made me realize how much my mom loves and cares for me. Even this morning when I told her it was all a misunderstanding, she said, "I'm so glad things are going well and that you're happy again. I love you so very much," and then she gave me a hug.

3)It helped clarify for me that maybe it's time I choose Jonah instead of the church.

Anyway, I've never felt so sad and happy in the span of 24 hours.

Moving Forward

I haven't posted in a bit because I'm staying at my mom's house, and she still has a dial-up internet connection, and a very slow one at that. So I can only post late at night when I know nobody will call us (although if they were smart they'd call us on our cell phones, but they don't). Anyway, I've been back home in Utah for a week, and even though I've greatly enjoyed visiting with my family, I am incredibly bored. It's weird going from being full-time graduate student with no free time to being unemployed and having absolutely nothing to do. I have made use of the time by reading and catching up on some movies I wanted to see.

I miss Jonah, which is a good thing. It reminds me how much I love him. He's been bored without me, too, but he starts a new job on Monday, and I'm pretty sure he won't be bored for long.

As for me, I still don't know what my employment situation is yet. I'm waiting for a local theater here in Utah to let me know if they have a summer spot for me in their schedule, but I haven't heard anything yet. I'm planning on going back to where I was in a week and find a job there if I haven't heard anything by then. This theater job may not work out anyway because I found out I have to be back to school a week before the summer show closes. I guess I'll leave it in the hands of God or fate. I really would like to have an acting job for the summer, but at the same time, I'd like to get back to Jonah.

I got together with a really good friend yesterday (we'll call her Amy). Amy and I are such good friends, and we have another good friend, Rick (who we'll be hanging out with next week). I love them both dearly and we really have a wonderful relationship with one another. I haven't seen Amy since Christmas, and it was so wonderful to see her. She knows about my issues, and I know about all of hers. The cool thing about both Amy and Rick (and me, I hope) is that we really try not to be judgmental (at least of each other). Anyway, Amy's activity in the LDS Church has been waning for a while now. She's a recovering alcoholic who's taken to drinking again. But she still serves in the Primary (the kids' group at church for those of you who don't know Mormon-speak), and her bishop knows about her issues. Anyway, she's a great person, and I love her dearly. It's weird that we're in a similar place in our lives as far as church activity goes. We're still both semi-active, we're both doing things that are contrary to our religion's teachings, we both have positive feelings towards the LDS church, and we also are at a point where we're realizing that life is a journey with many twists and turns and sometimes what we perceived our path to be is turning out not necessarily to be the path we should take.

Although it still isn't easy, the message I feel like I'm getting from God lately is that life is meant to be lived and that one has to move forward, even if one risks making mistakes. The thing not to do is to stay stagnant or motionless. Make a choice even if you're afraid of the consequences. It's better than just standing still. I stress that this is the answer I've been getting in my own personal prayers. I don't claim it to be anyone else's answer.

Jonah and I had a discussion recently that was hard but necessary. Jonah is always making jokes about us breaking up, and they bother me, and I told him so, accusing him of using them as a defense mechanism against the possibility that we could break up. What I failed to realize until after our conversation is that I do the same thing, but in a different way. I regularly bring up how hard this relationship is and how I don't know what the right thing to do is and how it might not work out. I told myself I was doing this to prepare him if things don't work out. But I realized that isn't true. He already knows that. He doesn't need reminding. The fact is it's my defense mechanism against the fear I feel. At first, I thought I was afraid of the consequences our relationship would have as far as my standing in the church (and in the afterlife) are concerned. And while that's true to an extent, I think it's simply out of fear of letting myself love someone so deeply. I have been hurt in my past relationships so many times that I have built up a wall and refused to allow myself to get close enough to somebody to really let them in because I am afraid to get hurt again. I know that's silly, but it's the way I am. Jonah is one of the few people I've met in my life who can see past all the crap I've built around me and loves me in spite of it (or because of it). It actually annoys me how perceptive he is, and yet, it's exactly what I need. It also astounds me how much he seems to love me (and who knows why he does; I would have dumped me a long time ago), and I think that's what I need, too. Sometimes I feel guilty because I wonder if I love Jonah as much as he seems to love me, and then I remind myself that, yes, I do; I just have this defense mechanism that I'm very good at that helps me not feel as deeply as I really do. I'm really good at shrugging off things and pretending I don't care (or even convincing myself that I don't). I'm really good at detaching myself (and yet the irony is I get very attached to people). In any case, I'm learning that I really do love Jonah as much as I think I do. He truly is one of the best relationships I've ever had.

But I'm scared of commitment, and I'm scared of letting go, and I'm scared of loving with all of my heart rather than just pieces of it, and, yes, I'm scared of displeasing God or setting a bad example or what-have-you. And, yet, as I said, I feel like I'm learning that a life lived in fear is no life at all (something I'm paraphrasing from Foxx's website). We're here to live and love and make mistakes and learn from mistakes and have experiences and learn from those experiences. I love my religion. I really do. But one thing I'm learning about religion (including mine) is that often it paralyzes us rather than helps us move forward. God put Jonah in my life for a reason, and I feel like I'm learning that it's okay to love him. It may not be everyone's path, but it may very well be mine.

Tomorrow I'm going to church with my mom and sister. I imagine I'll be seeing my old bishop, who's a very good friend. If he asks about my situation, I'll be candid and honest: that as much as I love my religion, I just don't know that I can fully live it the way I've been asked to. I don't know what will happen (nor do I know what will happen with Jonah and me), but like my friend Amy said last night (and I'm paraphrasing), "Life is not a path that moves straight forward or straight back or straight side to side, but is constantly weaving and circling, and it's okay. All relationships, yours included, have their difficulties and challenges, but it's rare when you find that special someone who makes your life and relationship complete, so when you do find someone like that, it's best to hang on to them."

I admit that although I came to Utah to see my family, I also came here to take some time to think about my relationship with Jonah unencumbered, and I'm pretty sure that Jonah, perceptive guy that he is, knows that. And although I still vacillate, what have I learned? That I miss and love Jonah and am so grateful that he is a part of my life. I may not show it (again that pesky defense mechanism), but it's true. Do I know what the future holds? No. But does anybody? Live. Move forward. Take action. Do something. Be happy. That is what I'm learning.

When I think of my life pre-Jonah, it wasn't bad. I wasn't unhappy. But life seems richer and fuller and more eye-opening now that he's in my life, and I like that. Anyway, that's all for now.

CJ and Danny

I really like the TV show The West Wing. I’ve watched it faithfully for the last eight years and think it has some pretty good writing. I’m sad to see that it wasn’t renewed, but am happy it’s going out on a high. On last Sunday’s episode there was a rather touching scene (well, it touched me at least).

To give you the set up, the characters in the scene are CJ Craig (short for Claudia Jean) and Danny Concannon. When the series started, CJ was the Press Secretary to the President and Danny was a reporter. They developed feelings for each other, but didn’t really act on them because it could be construed as a conflict of interest as far as CJ’s job was concerned. Over the span of the show, Danny and CJ have become close, but still maintain their jobs, which makes their relationship somewhat complicated. CJ was promoted to Chief of Staff a couple of seasons ago, and lately she and Danny have become much more serious.

Sunday’s episode dealt primarily with CJ as she decides what she is going to do now that the president she works under is leaving office and a new administration is coming in. In previous episodes she has been asked to serve on various boards, and in this episode she is offered a lucrative position by a philanthropist who offers to give her $10,000,000 to fix whatever problems she deems he should use the money to fix. She is also practically requested by the President-elect to serve as an advisor to him for at least two more years in the White House.

The important thing to know is that CJ is a bit of a workaholic and has kind of put her relationship with Danny on the back burner. Danny gets her out of the office for twenty minutes to talk with her and she brings up the fact that she’s probably going to take the job with the incoming president. Danny is surprised that she didn’t discuss this with him, and she is surprised that he thinks their relationship is at that level. Danny reminds her that the two of them are not getting any younger and asks if she even sees a future with him. She doesn’t answer, but he reads on her face that she doesn’t and they part on somewhat angry terms.

Later CJ visits her friend, Toby, and in talking with him, she realizes she wants to take time off to learn to cook and ski and have a real relationship, but she is scared that she can’t do it. The next scene we see her at Danny’s apartment. After a Secret Service agent checks the place, CJ and Danny have the following conversation:

CJ: I missed the window, that’s what’s going on here. I missed the window to figure out how to do this.

Danny: How to…?

CJ: …Share my life with another person, how to be a partner or whatever condescending way you put it this afternoon.

Danny: I wasn’t trying to…

CJ: I don’t know how to do it. Maybe at one point I did, maybe I never did, but it’s over now. It’s too late. This and skiing, it’s too late. It’s not gonna happen.

Danny: CJ…

CJ: You said yourself it’s not an accident that this hasn’t come together. This is who I am. I’m good at my job, Danny. I’m good at working. I’m not good at this.

Danny: You’re right. You suck at it. You’re gonna need a tremendous amount of training.

CJ: You’re not gonna…

Danny: I am, actually.

CJ: Train me?

Danny: Well, I’ll call it something else. That sounds bad, but we’ll deal with it.

CJ: I don’t need training.

Danny: (jokingly) No, of course not.

CJ: That’s not funny.

Danny: No, it isn’t. You’re gonna get good at it. We’re gonna get good at new things.

CJ: You don’t know that.

Danny: I do.

CJ: Don’t make it sound like it’s nothing.

Danny: You didn’t miss it.

CJ: What if I did?

Danny: You didn’t miss it.

CJ: What if I can’t…?

Danny: We’ll figure it out. All of it. (she sighs, scared) You can be scared. That’s okay. But you’re not gonna walk away from me because you’re scared. I’m not that scary.

CJ: (after a long pause) So, um, do you want me to take one of the board of directors’ jobs? It’s only a couple of hours a week…

Danny: Where the hell did that come from?

CJ: I’m trying. You want to be involved? I…

Danny: I want you to do what you want. Take the job at the White House. I just want you to talk to me about it. I want us to talk about what it will mean and how we’ll make it work. I want us to talk like we’re going to figure it out together. I want us to talk…because I like the sound of your voice. I just want to talk.

CJ: (after a pause) Franklin Hollis wants me to take ten million dollars and go and fix the world.

Danny: That sounds like fun. Does that sound like fun to you? (she nods) Do you want to work at the White House? (she shakes her head, crying)

CJ: There’s a typo in the Constitution.

Danny: Well, someone should look into that.

CJ: Toby’s gonna deal with it.

Danny: Okay. What else?

FADE OUT

I guess I was moved by the scene because I know and like the characters and know how much they love and care about each other, and I’ve been rooting for them to get together. I guess you really have to see the show and this episode and understand the characters better to really get the nuances and get the full effect.

The scene also reminded me a bit of my relationship with Jonah. Certainly there are big differences between CJ and Danny and their relationship and mine with Jonah, but there were certain parallels. I felt Jonah was more the Danny character and I the CJ character. CJ’s afraid to take a big step in her life and Danny’s kind of the voice of reason. The two really love and care for each other. I’ve always been very independent and somewhat of a commitment-phobe, and my job has always been extremely important to me. But I also know I love Jonah very much, and I think we’re at a good place in our relationship.

School has ended for the summer, and I still don’t know what I’m doing as far as work. I’m still waiting to hear from a theater in Utah that I worked for before. If that doesn’t work out, I’ll stay where I am and get a job here.

Jonah just got offered a very lucrative job here in town. He’s very happy about it and so am I. His current job has not been very satisfying, and Jonah hasn’t been very happy there. This new job will be much better for him, I think. If anything, at least it will be change. Jonah is worried that with our schedules we won’t be able to see each other. I’m confident that things will work out. We’ll make it work…just like CJ and Danny.

New Perspectives

I had a really nice date with Jonah last night. I just love him so much. I love spending time with him and talking with him and being with him. He really does make me very happy, and he seems to feel the same way about me. I am now comfortable kissing him, and I feel like when we are out together I'm not as self-conscious as I once was about whether people think we are a couple. I know many people in the theatre department where I go to school suspect we are a couple, and I'm fine with that. I see no need to make it everybody's business, but I don't mind that people know or suspect.

What has made me really happy is that I don't feel guilt about our relationship. You know, so long I have been taught that this kind of relationship was wrong that when we initially started kissing or holding hands, it made me uncomfortable because I've been conditioned that it's wrong to express love for another man in that way. But I don't feel that now. And I'm glad. Because I love Jonah, and as I told him last night after we kissed goodbye, he makes me feel all tingly inside, and I haven't felt that way about anybody in years. And it really isn't just a physical thing. I love who he is and how he makes me feel, and I feel good about loving somebody more than I love myself (which is how it was for a long time in my life (family excluded)) and how Jonah's presence in my life makes me want to be a better person.

We actually talk about our relationship in terms of long-term. We've talked about marriage and household duties and finances, etc., and it's weird, but also exciting, to think of ourselves in that way. Jonah's very domestic (likes to cook, iron, etc.) and he said something that made me laugh. He said, "See, I'd make an ideal Mormon wife."

Our families are adjusting as well as they can, I suppose. I don't think anybody's wild about it, but I at least feel some support. I'm just glad my mom likes Jonah. It's good when your mom likes your boyfriend. I'm still not necessarily comfortable talking to her about my relationship with Jonah in intimate terms, but she does realize he's bringing me a lot of happiness, and I think she's happy for me. I think, at heart, she wishes this wasn't my path, but she's adjusting.

I went to church today with the prayer in my heart that nothing that was said today would make me feel guilty about my relationship with Jonah, and that prayer was answered. I pondered whether I was worthy to take the sacrament because I don't know that I've done anything wrong. If Jonah and I were having sex or being overly intimate, that certainly would be cause for me to abstain from taking the sacrament in my church, but we've only kissed a few times, which I haven't felt guilty about. I asked Heavenly Father whether I was worthy or not and just to give me a simple answer of "yes" or "no," and I felt the answer was "yes," it was okay for me to take the sacrament.

It was interesting. My bishop asked me how things were, and I was honestly able to answer that they were good because I feel that way. I feel at peace with my relationship with Jonah, and I certainly feel happy, so things are good. I guess as far as my standing in the church they might not be so good, but I haven't felt weighed down by that thought.

We watched a video in Sunday School about the life of the Savior, and many thoughts ran through my head about how loving and merciful the Lord is. Here was a man who hung out with publicans and sinners, wasn't afraid to touch lepers, healed those who were both physically and spiritually blind, was merciful and loving towards the woman taken in adultery, healed the soldier who was in the act of arresting him, and even said of his perpetrators as he was being crucified, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do." It just reminded me very strongly, that whether or not I am right or wrong about this relationship, my Savior loves me and is merciful and forgiving.

This relationship feels right to me, which is confusing because it doesn't correspond with what I have been taught and believed all my life. And, as I've stated before, I still believe my religion is true, but I believe somehow God has another plan for me and that things are going to be okay. It may not make sense now, but it will. And I feel I can look at my Father and tell him I did my best to live the best life I could.

I think Jonah and I are both good people, and I think we have a lot to offer each other, and I feel we as a union have a lot to offer those around us, and I feel God will take all of that into account. As long as I feel at peace with all this, that's what counts.

I just know I've tried my very best to live my life a certain way most of life, and it just hasn't worked. I gave it my best shot, and that's all I can do. This relationship feels like a blessing and a good thing, and if "wickedness never was happiness," then I don't see how this can be wicked because I feel very happy right now. In some ways I feel more free and less guilty than I did when I was trying to do all the "right" things, and in some ways I feel like I'm getting a new point-of-view about the gospel that I've not had before which is making me appreciate God's love and mercy even more.

Things are still scary and awkward at times because I have lived my life in a certain way for so long, and I'm finally giving myself permission to make other choices, but the benefits right now seem to outweigh anything else.

Sharing the Love

I actually have a night free (wonder of wonders). I don't have much to say, but I thought I'd write a couple of thoughts.

Jonah and I went to dinner and a play the other night. I had woken up that morning thinking that I would probably kiss him that night. Technically, I had already kissed him, but it was a rather clumsy, awkward kiss which you can read about in my post, The Happiest Place on Earth. Anyway, we had a very lovely evening together, and sure enough I kissed him on the lips, and he kissed me back (after accidentally poking me in the eye). We also got a bite to eat on Sunday and kissed each other goodbye. What's interesting is I didn't feel guilty, which is new, so that's nice.

It's interesting how mutual friends expect to see the two of us together since we hang out so much. Jonah was concerned that I would be uncomfortable with that, but I'm not really. I don't know if I'm ready to shout about our relationship from the rooftops, but I figure a lot of people probably suspect we're involved, and that's fine.

I'm not embarrassed or ashamed about my relationship with Jonah, and there is, indeed, a part of me that is so happy with him that I really would like to share it with others. But the other part of me is still dealing with the fact that this relationship isn't in accordance with my religious beliefs. I shouldn't care what others think, but I have been such a "model of Mormonism" (and I don't mean that in a boastful way) that I'm worried that when I tell others who see me in that light, it will reflect badly on the Church. I know that must sound odd. I don't care about how it reflects on me so much, but I don't want my decisions to cause others to view my religion in a negative light. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone, but it does to me.

A friend asked me today what I've been doing with my free time, and I kind of gave him a giddy smile (because I spend my free time with Jonah), and he wanted to know details, and I just didn't feel ready to share that information yet. I just don't want to become a subject of gossip (and, believe you me, it's easy to become that in the theatre department). I don't want people talking to each other behind my back about me and my personal life or speculating about whether the good Mormon boy is abandoning his faith for a homosexual relationship. I'm sure I will tell my friends here eventually (because I am pleased with my relationship with Jonah and wouldn't mind sharing that happiness with others), but I'm not ready to deal with any fallout yet. I'm actually pretty sure most of my friends will be fine with it. I just want to hold off until I'm sure of what I'm doing.

And I certainly realize my sexuality and personal life are nobody's business but my own anyway, but sometimes my circumstances feel complicated.

Jonah and I have had some good discussions lately. He's a great guy.

Good Vibrations

Jonah and I had a really good talk tonight. We're both going through some tough times right now, but we really were able to talk a lot and get a lot of things out in the open. Jonah is a lot more open than I am, but I really felt like I was able to say exactly what I was feeling, and I really felt like we had some very good communication tonight. I still don't know what all the answers are, but I feel really good about our relationship. All I know is that I love Jonah, and he loves me, and that if it's wrong, it's wrong. But we're on really good ground, and I'm not going to feel guilty about it. We're two good, God-loving people, and we've really been able to share and grow with one another this past year. No matter what happens, I will always love Jonah and will always value his friendship. Our time together has neither been wrong nor wasted. I told Jonah that I've had serious relationships with women (three, in fact; two with whom I contemplated marriage), but that my relationship with him is, by far, the best and most fulfilling I've ever had.

There is a scripture in the Book of Mormon that says, "wickedness never was happiness," so I really don't understand how this relationship can be wrong because I am very happy in it. Jonah and I have done nothing more than hold hands, hug, and give each a few pecks on the cheek, but I don't feel guilty about it. We're still taking things slowly, but I get more comfortable every day with the idea that this could be something more than just friendship. It's still not easy all the time, but, gosh, do I love that guy!

We talked today about how organized religion often stresses guilt so much rather than forgiveness and mercy. God love all of us no matter what! I really believe that. And if this relationship turns out to be a mistake, then maybe so be it. I'm tired of feeling needless guilt, and I really think God has put Jonah and I together for a reason.

In a way, I feel more sorry for Jonah than I do myself. His religion says he's going to hell and his family, I think, will have a much harder time with it than mine will (although, rest assured, mine will have problems with it, too). If all that my religion teaches is true, I just won't get to go to the Celestial Kingdom, but I'll still get to go somewhere good. Of course, both of us feel strongly that God loves us, and that that will remain the same no matter what.

I talked to my mom yesterday. It was a good talk. Although still not crazy about the idea that Jonah and I could end up together, she really likes Jonah and just wants me to be happy. In an effort to even understand my dilemma, she went and saw Brokeback Mountain, which is not a film my mom would normally see. She saw it alone and swore me to secrecy that I wouldn't tell anybody else in the family. I did tell her that I didn't necessarily think Brokeback Mountain was the best film to see to really know what Jonah and I were dealing with. I actually have some issues with the film (though I think it's very well-done) which I won't go into now. But the fact that she went to see it on my behalf showed a lot of support for me, and I appreciate that. My mom loves me, and I love her, and I know nothing will change that. I'm so grateful to her for her love and support for me. Not all people have that.

Jonah was feeling bad the other night and actually called my mom (unbeknownst to me) to ask for her forgiveness for causing any turmoil in my life or hers. He needn't have done that (although he felt he needed to, and I respect that) because my mom holds no ill feelings towards him. She made that clear to him, but also talked about why this is a difficult situation. Anyway, it's interesting to know that my mom and my boyfriend respect each other. I'm grateful for that, too.

This is such an interesting relationship. Jonah is 30, I am 35. We're both virgins. We both have strong relationships with God and really are both trying to do what we feel is right. Neither of us smoke or drink, and we're not into clubbing or that kind of thing. We're actually two very ordinary people (we'd probably bore you if you met us). We have so much in common, and yet we also balance each other out. My strengths are Jonah's weaknesses, and vice-versa, I feel. We get along very well and have never had a fight or argument as of yet. I just feel there is so much good going for us.

We even talked tonight about having a relationship without the sex act, and that way I wouldn't really be breaking my covenants. I don't know how realistic that is, but it was worth thinking about. We both admitted we have hormones and sexual desires, but we also concurred that just the intimacy and friendship we share is really nice and that it might be worth considering. I'm not sure I could do it (eventually, I think I would want to make love to the man I love), but it was a thought.
In any case, I feel happy. I'm not 100% sure what I'm doing, but I feel every day I get closer. The one thing the Lord whispers to my heart is that everything is going to be okay, no matter what happens.

One last thing. I told a friend I was going through some struggles, and he said, "You just have to be you," and "I'll love you no matter what." It's quite possible he knows exactly what I'm dealing with, but I thought those were inspired comments to give. I'm still trying to figure out who the real me is. But it's nice to know no matter what I choose, God will love me. That can never change.