The Rock In My Pocket

The last time Jonah and I visited my great aunt together we had her and my great uncle record some of their thoughts about their family.  We did it as a way to preserve some of our genealogy because once my great uncle and aunt are gone, the memories they still have about my ancestors will be gone, too.

As my aunt was talking about her mom (my great-great grandmother), she got wistful about her, and my uncle got teary-eyed as he talked about my his brother (my dad's father).

As I have been dealing with my own grief regarding Mom, I've realized something: this grief is never going to go away.  Not entirely, at least.

There has literally not been a single day since Mom died that I haven't thought about her.  Everything reminds me of her.  And I miss her terribly.

A friend wrote on Facebook: "...putting these things into words is an essential part of the healing process. David Lindsay Abaire says it well in 'Rabbit Hole,' when a parent grieving the loss of her son asks her mother if the feeling of loss - of grief - ever goes away, and the mother replies (I paraphrase) - no, not really . . . It gets better, even diminishes, but it's like a rock you carry in your pocket, and some times you stick your hand in your pocket and your pocket and you're suddenly reminded, 'oh, hello. . . you're still there.' It takes time - a lot of time - but time, though it does not heal everything, does help."

I'm always going to have this rock in my pocket.  That's not a bad thing, but I think of my aunt and uncle weeping for people they lost years and years ago; I think of Dad's mom who lived in sorrow for years after her husband died, so much that she almost became debilitated by it; I think of a friend who will never be able to get over losing her child to an accident-related death.  And I realize I will never get over losing my dear mother.  And there's no reason I should.

I certainly have not allowed her death to cause me to stop living my life, and as I've stated before, I feel her presence with me often, which is nice.  But she is ever in my thoughts, and some days I feel such a longing to have her here with me.

I am glad we didn't have to watch her keep disappearing.  I'm glad she never forgot who I was.  I'm glad I didn't have to watch her physically waste away.  I'm glad I didn't have to watch her go confusedly go through dialysis with an amputated leg, which is what would have happened had we chosen to keep her alive.

One thing I am always struck by was when I came back home to Utah knowing Mom would be dead within a week or so.  She was so excited to see me and like a child, she had no idea she would be dead soon (frankly, I don't think she even understood why she was in the hospital at all).  I don't think it was until we transferred her back to her assisted living residence that she finally understood what was happening.  And I do think there was a point when Mom recognized that she was dying, and I believe those on the other side were helping her understand that.  But that initial meeting when I knew she was dying, but she didn't, has always remained in my mind.  She was just so happy to see me (and I her), but I knew we would be saying goodbye for a while in only a matter of days.

Sometimes I feel guilty that I didn't grieve so hard when my dad died as I have with my mom.  I loved him very much; he was a great father, and I do miss him.  But I have to admit that Mom's death has been harder on me than his was.  But then Mom and I always had more in common than Dad and I did.  Dad liked sports and fishing and country music and wasn't very talkative, none of which I related to.  Mom loved movies and theatre and we had great talks, not to mention 21 years more together to cultivate a relationship than Dad and I had.  I also was, as my family says, "the golden child" to Mom and was her primary caretaker for several of the last years of her life.  Even after her death, I have been knee-deep in her journals and photos and financial and legal affairs.  She is ever present.

Dad died while I was on my mission, and his death almost felt surreal.  I was nowhere near him when he died.  I didn't watch him die like I did with Mom.  I was on the other side of the earth and felt somewhat removed from his death.  In fact, coming home from my mission it almost felt like Dad hadn't existed at all.  When I left for my mission, he was still home.  When I came back he was gone.

I can't really explain it.  I miss hearing Mom's voice.  I miss holding her hand and hugging her and kissing her.  I miss her childlike dementia just as much as a miss the level-headed woman I grew up with.  I miss eating meals with her and going to the theatre with her.  I miss playing games with her and talking with her.

I know pain will lessen with time, but I also know I'll always have this rock in my pocket until Mom and I are reunited once again.  And maybe Mom will again repeat the second to the last thing I ever heard her say: "I knew you did it right." 

Changes

Well, I'm officially starting my last week of graduate school. It's hard to believe that I only have 32 weeks of school left. That seems very short, and with as quickly as the last two years have flown, it'll be over before I know it. It's a little scary to think about what comes next, but it's a good "scary."

So this has been an extremely interesting week. I found out a few days ago that a very good friend of mine who I've known for about ten years is going through almost exactly what I'm going through. He's been an active Mormon for years and is truly one of the best people I know. But he's met a guy he's gotten serious with and seems ready to explore the relationship even if it means distancing himself from the Church. I really felt a great deal of empathy for what he's going through and even admiration for taking the road less traveled.

He's gone through a lot this year. Two years ago he got married. I was saddened that it didn't work out because they are both great people, and I'm sure they've both had a difficult road to travel because of these issues. At the same time it just reaffirmed in me that maybe people like us just aren't meant to get married and that maybe there is more joy to be found for us in a homosexual relationship. At this point, neither my friend nor I know the answer, but we both seem to be in a place and frame of mind where we feel it's worth a shot.

I find it really odd and kind of trippy that we both happen to be dealing with this same stuff at the same time and even trippier that we've both been dealing similar issues as long as we've known each other, but didn't know it. But it's really nice to have a good friend to share things with who's going through similar things, and I hope he feels the same way. I also feel that my friend is one of the best people I've known, and if he and people like us are indeed going to hell or some lower kingdom, then at least I take comfort in the fact that I will be there with a lot of people I love.

What my communications with him have caused me to do, though, is to slowly, once again, creak this closet door open. I've told several of my friends at school about Jonah and me. They've all been enormously supportive, and everyone seems really happy for this. I think it's because they know both of us well and know our characters and know we're good for each other. Most importantly, I think they just sense how happy we make each other. As one friend said, "I just love both of you so much. I'm so happy for both of you."

What's cool is I feel like I can be honest about this relationship, and I'm not so worried about what people think anymore. Here where I'm going to school, it's easier. Most of my friends aren't LDS and are pretty supportive of gay relationships anyway. But they do all know how important my religious beliefs are to me and no that this is not a road without its complications.

In Utah it would be harder to be as open about things...at least to some people. I imagine that's the road I am headed down, though. I actually want to share a quote from an email my friend sent to me, but I'm waiting to for him to give me his permission. But some of things he said really helped me understand the choices I feel I must make at this juncture in my life.

I really find it no coincidence that my friend and I are going through similar stuff right now. I really think God is helping me forge the path I'm supposed to take right now.

It's nice to be back in town near Jonah again. We're both have differing schedules, but I'm not worried about it. I think things will be all right.

The other night Jonah and I were making out and I went a little farther than I had intended. Nobody's fault, but I did feel a little guilty. But it did make me realize that I would like to formalize our relationship (whether a marriage or civil ceremony or what-have-you)) before we have sex. Jonah is fine with that. He is amazing. He really is.

Recently I was more stressed out than I have been in a long, long time (about a lot of different things), and I'm not one who tends to get stressed out very easily. But anyway, I didn't have a lot of time, but I went and had dinner with Jonah on his work break, and he just made feel so, so much better, and I thought as I was driving back home, "This guy just makes me feel great. He brings out the best in me. I just can't believe this could be wrong."

I've really been thinking about a future with him, and it feels good. I can't believe I'm where I am in my life now. I wouldn't have thought I'd end up here. But I really like where I am. I feel really happy, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm with somebody I love, and, gosh, he loves me! I am amazed every day by how much Jonah really adores me. It's something I haven't had in so long, and I love, love, love it! And more importantly, I suppose, I love him, too. I think I'm good for him, and I think he's good for me. What more could I want?

I'm hoping the two of us can get married and move in together in the near future. It would be nice. I also think it would be good for Jonah to get out of his parents' house. They are driving him insane.

Jonah and I had a misunderstanding this week. It wasn't bad or anything, but I think there were hurt feelings. We totally talked it out, and everything is fine now. But what's cool about our relationship is we really talk things out and it's always in a very calm, collected way. We were discussing the fact that we've never had a fight. There may be an occasional disagreement or misunderstanding, but I cherish the trust and kindness that exists in this relationship. And, most importantly, I really feel Jonah is opening me up a lot. I've been so closed and so afraid to love or feel for so long, and I am just finding so many blessings; so much gold in this relationship.

I really think this is going to be a very good year.

The Future

I've been feeling somewhat nostalgic lately. I just finished my second year of the three year MFA program, and it dawned on me that in just a year from now I will be done with school and trying to figure out where to go from here. Some of my friends have graduated this year and many of us will be parting ways next year, and while part of me finds that exciting, there is, of course, another part of me that is both scared and sad. I love change, but, of course, it will be hard to say goodbye to friends and it will, of course, be both exciting and scary to figure out what I want to do next with my life. Of course, I still have a year before that actually happens, and no matter what, I know the future holds much promise. But the two years I've been here have already flown by very quickly, so I know that day will be here before I know it.

I think about my future with Jonah. As I stated recently, he just got a really good job which pays $1,000 a week. Jonah really wants to move out of his parents' house and get a house of his own, and while we haven't discussed it in great detail, I imagine living with him. The two of us continually get closer, and we have a lot of fun together. We've been to a lot of cultural events this week, and I've just really enjoyed spending time with him, especially since my school schedule and his work schedule haven't allowed as much of that this semester as we would like.

I still carry guilt with me from time to time and still catch myself wondering if I'm doing the right things in God's eyes, but I am managing as best I can. I'm just very grateful for this relationship and am very glad to be loved by someone so much and feel that Jonah feels the same way. I'm getting more comfortable at being "out of the closet." Most of my circle of friends doesn't know the extent of our relationship, though I know most of them suspect, but Jonah's friends all know, and we had lunch at his work yesterday, and while I was nervous meeting some of his friends for the first time, I thought I held my own pretty well.

School's finally over for the year, and I am very happy for a much needed break. I've been going nearly non-stop this whole year, and I'm pretty tired. I still don't know what I'm doing this summer as far as work is concerned, but I will be going back home to Utah tomorrow for at least two weeks just to visit my family. I miss them a lot. My mom is really eager to see me. I talk to her about Jonah a lot. I never refer to him as my boyfriends with her...at least not yet, but she knows the two of us are seeing each other, and I talk about him as much as possible to continue to get her used to the idea. As I said, she does like Jonah, so that's a good thing.

I'm eager to see family and friends back home. I haven't seen any of them since Christmas (except my mom, who came here to see my shows). My nieces and nephews are growing up without me, and I feel like I'm missing out.

My next show next fall will be The Laramie Project, which I thought was somewhat ironic given my situation. I'm excited for it because I get the chance to play five different characters, which is a nice challenge for an actor. One of the characters is Fred Phelps, a homophobic minister who I do not like one bit in real life. I think it will be great challenge to channel that kind of person. I think he's an absolute jerk in real life, and I'm a pretty nice guy, so I think it will be hard to find him in me. But I would imagine Fred Phelps, as delusional as I may think he is, probably imagines he's doing the right thing and thinks he's a good man, so maybe it won't be as hard to play him as I imagine. And I've played unlikable characters before. I just think the venom that spews from his mouth is horrible, so it will be hard to say those things and act like I believe them. I guess that's why they call it acting, huh?

Anyway, I guess that's all I have to say for now. Nothing particularly interesting, but that's all I got right now.

Can Life Be Guilt-Free?

Last night Jonah came over and we lay in bed together. It was just really nice to be with him and hold him and cuddle. We also made out for the first time, which was fun and exciting (sometimes too exciting; we had to cool it for a bit). Jonah, ironically, was the one who seemed worried that my roommates would come home and hear us. He wasn't worried for his sake, but for mine because he knows they don't know about us (although they'd have to be complete fools if they didn't suspect, and I know neither of my roommates are fools). One of them did come home, but I think he was in such a rush that he didn't take notice or hear us. But the thing was, I wasn't concerned about it. I didn't care if anyone knew.

So here's the thing: when Jonah and I were together last night and kissing and cuddling and hugging and holding and making out, I didn't feel guilty about it. I even said to him, "This feels so good and right." But after he left and all day today, I've really felt uneasy about it, and I hate that I feel that way. I love this relationship, and there is so much good about it that it bothers me that I feel guilty. And I'm like, "Okay, do I feel guilty because this is wrong and I'm trying to convince myself that it isn't; or do I feel guilty simply because my religious beliefs have so conditioned me that it's wrong that I'm not used to allowing myself to do things previously forbidden; and if that's the case, will it pass over time?" I just wish things didn't have to be so complicated. I wish I could just love the guy I love without all this emotional baggage. Because no matter what, I do feel what I feel. I do feel great love for Jonah, but I also am feeling guilt today, whether it's justified or not. And, you know, I once felt guilty about masturbating and even just lightly kissing Jonah, but I don't feel that way about those things, so maybe it's just a matter of getting used to giving myself permission to do things I've never allowed myself to do.

I just dislike feeling this way, especially because I love Jonah so much. It's not fair that I'm burdened with guilt, especially if its needless. But it also isn't fair, if these feelings are indeed wrong and not to be acted upon, that I feel what I do and seem to have little control over it. I just wish I could have a normal relationship. I'm sure none of you understand what I'm talking about. ;-)

Anyway, maybe it's just a matter of time. I know Jonah is concerned because he doesn't like me to feel angst. But, unfortunately, it happens to be what I'm feeling at this particular moment in time.

New Perspectives

I had a really nice date with Jonah last night. I just love him so much. I love spending time with him and talking with him and being with him. He really does make me very happy, and he seems to feel the same way about me. I am now comfortable kissing him, and I feel like when we are out together I'm not as self-conscious as I once was about whether people think we are a couple. I know many people in the theatre department where I go to school suspect we are a couple, and I'm fine with that. I see no need to make it everybody's business, but I don't mind that people know or suspect.

What has made me really happy is that I don't feel guilt about our relationship. You know, so long I have been taught that this kind of relationship was wrong that when we initially started kissing or holding hands, it made me uncomfortable because I've been conditioned that it's wrong to express love for another man in that way. But I don't feel that now. And I'm glad. Because I love Jonah, and as I told him last night after we kissed goodbye, he makes me feel all tingly inside, and I haven't felt that way about anybody in years. And it really isn't just a physical thing. I love who he is and how he makes me feel, and I feel good about loving somebody more than I love myself (which is how it was for a long time in my life (family excluded)) and how Jonah's presence in my life makes me want to be a better person.

We actually talk about our relationship in terms of long-term. We've talked about marriage and household duties and finances, etc., and it's weird, but also exciting, to think of ourselves in that way. Jonah's very domestic (likes to cook, iron, etc.) and he said something that made me laugh. He said, "See, I'd make an ideal Mormon wife."

Our families are adjusting as well as they can, I suppose. I don't think anybody's wild about it, but I at least feel some support. I'm just glad my mom likes Jonah. It's good when your mom likes your boyfriend. I'm still not necessarily comfortable talking to her about my relationship with Jonah in intimate terms, but she does realize he's bringing me a lot of happiness, and I think she's happy for me. I think, at heart, she wishes this wasn't my path, but she's adjusting.

I went to church today with the prayer in my heart that nothing that was said today would make me feel guilty about my relationship with Jonah, and that prayer was answered. I pondered whether I was worthy to take the sacrament because I don't know that I've done anything wrong. If Jonah and I were having sex or being overly intimate, that certainly would be cause for me to abstain from taking the sacrament in my church, but we've only kissed a few times, which I haven't felt guilty about. I asked Heavenly Father whether I was worthy or not and just to give me a simple answer of "yes" or "no," and I felt the answer was "yes," it was okay for me to take the sacrament.

It was interesting. My bishop asked me how things were, and I was honestly able to answer that they were good because I feel that way. I feel at peace with my relationship with Jonah, and I certainly feel happy, so things are good. I guess as far as my standing in the church they might not be so good, but I haven't felt weighed down by that thought.

We watched a video in Sunday School about the life of the Savior, and many thoughts ran through my head about how loving and merciful the Lord is. Here was a man who hung out with publicans and sinners, wasn't afraid to touch lepers, healed those who were both physically and spiritually blind, was merciful and loving towards the woman taken in adultery, healed the soldier who was in the act of arresting him, and even said of his perpetrators as he was being crucified, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do." It just reminded me very strongly, that whether or not I am right or wrong about this relationship, my Savior loves me and is merciful and forgiving.

This relationship feels right to me, which is confusing because it doesn't correspond with what I have been taught and believed all my life. And, as I've stated before, I still believe my religion is true, but I believe somehow God has another plan for me and that things are going to be okay. It may not make sense now, but it will. And I feel I can look at my Father and tell him I did my best to live the best life I could.

I think Jonah and I are both good people, and I think we have a lot to offer each other, and I feel we as a union have a lot to offer those around us, and I feel God will take all of that into account. As long as I feel at peace with all this, that's what counts.

I just know I've tried my very best to live my life a certain way most of life, and it just hasn't worked. I gave it my best shot, and that's all I can do. This relationship feels like a blessing and a good thing, and if "wickedness never was happiness," then I don't see how this can be wicked because I feel very happy right now. In some ways I feel more free and less guilty than I did when I was trying to do all the "right" things, and in some ways I feel like I'm getting a new point-of-view about the gospel that I've not had before which is making me appreciate God's love and mercy even more.

Things are still scary and awkward at times because I have lived my life in a certain way for so long, and I'm finally giving myself permission to make other choices, but the benefits right now seem to outweigh anything else.

Shakespeare, Moliére, and La Cage aux Folles

Very interesting discussion over on GayMormon's blog. And when I say interesting, I really mean just very exhausting to read. I haven't even read half of what is being written in the comments area of his latest entry, nor do I intend to. I've just skimmed, and much of the debate seems very confrontational, and I'm not a big fan of confrontation. That doesn't mean I don't think each person writing isn't entitled to his or her opinion. I'm just not terribly interested in getting too involved.

I will say this, though: some of the comments I've read from a certain individual embarrass me as a member of the LDS Church. I just hope that people don't read his comments and feel that all members of my church express themselves in that way. That isn't even to say that he isn't a loving person or that he's a bad person because I don't think he is. I just think the tone and words he uses come off as very self-righteous, hypocritical, overly judgmental, and ignorant, which I don't think helps his argument at all and, frankly, I find it annoying. But perhaps if I knew him in real life, I would have a different opinion. And who am I to judge anyway? It's not like I have any room to talk. I'm not exactly living my life completely in accordance with my religious beliefs. Anyway, I'm trying to stay out of it.

One comment that I read from DCTwistedLife intrigued me enough to repost here. He said:

Not long ago, I had feelings that I would never 'fall' away from the church, because I would not let myself. I thought that the only thing that mattered was that when I died, I would have died 'clean'. But, I would have had no real experience of love or companionship. I convinced myself that I was okay with this. But then, someone came into my life and I found that my feelings towards him were pure, they were beautiful, and his were the same for me. To this day those feelings have not diminished. But I did not allow myself to pursue those feelings because of the conflict with my belief in the church. Today I sort of regret that, I might have experienced something so great. But indeed, I was not ready to make a leap. There is a time and a place for everything. There are so many decisions to be made. They are painful, but eventually they have to be made. And it is most important that you make them in honesty, and because they come from your heart.

I know where he is coming from, I think. I feel the same way. Only I'm now in the position he was in where I am trying to decide whether or not I want to pursue the feelings I have for my "someone." DCTwistedLife says he sort of regrets not pursuing those feelings, and I wonder if I will feel the same.

HawaiiDave wrote a comment on my blog the other day. He said:

Follow your heart! Don't worry about making family members or others uncomfortable in the process.

True love among two men is NOT wrong.

Jonah is a blessing!

He's certainly right about Jonah being a blessing. And I don't think true love between two men is wrong, but I haven't decided whether acting on that love in a sexual way is wrong or not. I find myself vacillating from day to day as to what action I will take. One day I'm telling myself I can't betray the covenants I've made within my religion, and that I won't feel peace in my heart if I do. The next day I'm saying, "Screw it. I've finally found someone I love that I want to be with." I just wish I could find peace in my heart. My heart isn't sure what's right yet.

I feel like Hamlet, the king of inaction. He spends nearly the whole play pondering what he should do. Speaking of Hamlet, I heard an interesting quote from that play (on Law and Order of all places!): "...there is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so." I haven't decided whether I believe that's true or not. Because in some respects, good and bad is only relative to what you're taught. I've been taught that homosexuality is a sin. Yet there are times when my heart wonders if that's really true or not.

Jonah and I had a talk the other night. I said I wanted to ease off on holding hands and calling each other "boyfriend" and such. On one hand, I felt bad because both of us are excited about this relationship and want to express it and it seems unfair to not do so. But on the other hand, my religion has taught me to be a certain way for so long that I feel guilty when I allow myself to do things I've never given myself permission to do. And whether or not that guilt is valid, it's what I sometimes feel, and I don't like that feeling. And I don't want to hurt Jonah by curbing our expressions of affection, but I feel a bit screwed up right now and am not entirely sure how to remedy it. Jonah feels bad because, of course, he doesn't enjoy seeing me in pain. And I know this is hard on him, too. Unfortunately, it's just one of those "one-day-at-a-time" sort of things. It's not necessarily fair or pleasant, but it is what it is. As it stands, I'm just really happy to have Jonah as my friend. And fortunately we get on very well together and there is no awkwardness between us because of this situation. It's a very supportive environment, and I feel we are able to be honest and have communication, which is important in any relationship.

Today in one of my classes we talked about Moliére. His plays were banned several times because he dared to introduce subjects that the church frowned upon. Of course, at that time the predominant religion was quite corrupt and hypocritical. In no way do I bring this up as a comparison to my own religion. I don't think that at all. In fact, I think there is so much good in my religion, which, of course, is why the decisions facing me are incredibly difficult. But why I bring up Moliére is this: I've always tried to be a free-thinker in life. Sometimes it's gotten me into trouble. But, quite frankly, I'd rather be an open-minded free-thinker who errs on the side of being over-tolerant than a narrow-minded, self-righteous, hypocrite. But I guess all of us are hypocrites sometimes. I've just never seen the world in blacks and whites. I live in shades of gray. I am not a "letter of the law" individual; I tend to go more with the spirit of the law. I am by no means a conformist. I am very much an individual who marches to the beat of his own drummer, and in fact am more likely to rebel if someone tells me I have to do something. Again, sometimes those qualities get me in trouble, but I think I am happier and more well-rounded because of them.

I close with the words to a song I like very much, "I Am What I Am" from La Cage aux Folles by Jerry Herman. It's a song that very much speaks to me.

I am what I am.
I am my own special creation...
So come take a look.
Give me the hook
Or the ovation.
It's my world
That I want to have a little pride in.
My world,
And it's not a place I have to hide in.
Life's not worth a damn
Till you can say, "Hey, world,
I am what I am."

I am what I am.
I don't want praise.
I don't want pity.
I bang my own drum.
Some think it's noise.
I think it's pretty.
And so what
If I love each feather and each spangle?
Why not
Try and see things from a different angle?
Your life is a sham
Till you can shout out loud,
"I am what I am!"

I am what I am,
And what I am
Needs no excuses.
I deal my own deck;
Sometimes the ace,
Sometimes the deuces.
There's one life,
And there's no return and no deposit.
One life,
So it's time to open up your closet.
Life's not a worth a damn
Till you can say, "Hey, world,
I am
What
I am.

Sometimes I think we get so locked into our own personal points of view (myself included) that we fail to see the other side of things, thereby depriving ourselves of some rich and illuminating experiences. I saw the movie Crash recently. It was a good reminder of what it's like to see things from many points of view. I really try to see many sides of a situation. I don't always succeed, but I do try.

The Happiest Place on Earth

Last night Jonah and I slept together…literally. ;-) We went on a trip to Disneyland together and spent the night at a hotel in the same bed. The double bed was actually an accident. The room was supposed to have two beds…or so Jonah says. More than likely it was a ploy to seduce me (he knows about this blog, by the way, so that was a joke at his expense). No, actually, if you knew Jonah, you’d know the single double bed was indeed a mistake. But, secretly, I was kind of glad. It meant there might be a chance for cuddling…especially now that Jonah knew the truth about how I felt.

Actually, during the night nothing happened. I was too nervous to cuddle. But in the morning when we woke up, Jonah started holding me, and I let him because I had wanted that all along. It just felt so nice to be held by someone I loved who loved me. It felt right, and I didn’t feel guilty. We cuddled for a bit, and he tussled my hair for a while, and I really enjoyed that. We were in the spoon position with my back to him, and I thought, “I really want to kiss him,” but I fought it for a bit because I wasn’t sure I felt ready to do that. Eventually I turned around to hug him and gave him a somewhat awkward kiss on the mouth (a very short kiss at that), and although I enjoyed it, I thought two things: one: “I’m not ready for kissing yet,” and two: “Holy cow! I just kissed a guy on the lips! I’ve fantasized about doing that for years!” I was just happy my first gay kiss was with someone I really love. We cuddled some more, and I just felt so happy to be in his arms. Anyway, that was it. But it was very nice.

Disneyland was a lot of fun. We rode everything we wanted to, and we both really enjoyed the fireworks show they had. We both got sunburned, and I felt really weak from it by the end of the day. I also decided Jonah and I were acting like two old men by the end of the day. We both ached from walking around so much and were just plain exhausted (it doesn’t help that Jonah only had had two hours of sleep and me four when we embarked on our trip). We gave up walking around the park and riding rides a full hour before the fireworks show (but were rewarded because we had a nice bench to sit on for the show that we weren’t going to give up even if some crippled old lady came along. Just kidding!). But it sure was nice to sit.

Something else that was nice was putting my arm around Jonah or vice-versa while we were walking around the park and not feeling weird or ashamed about it. Or he’d run his fingers through my hair at a restaurant, and I felt like, “This is how it should be. This is normal. Why do people have such hang-ups about same-sex relationships?”

After I told Jonah I had a blog, I wondered if he’d be cool with the fact that I was revealing not just my personal life, but his, to a bunch of complete strangers. And then I thought, “well, what difference does it make? They’re all complete strangers, so who cares?” And then I thought, “yeah, but somebody we know could run across the blog and figure it out,” and then I thought, “well, in that case, it would be a bigger deal to me than it would to Jonah,” and then I thought, “You know what? I don’t care who knows anyway. I just don’t.” There was a time in my life when I was ashamed of my homosexual feelings and scared to let anybody know about them, and later, as I let more people I trusted know, it became so cathartic for me, and then eventually I just don’t care who knows anymore, whether I decide to stay true to my religious beliefs or not. I have these feelings, right or wrong, and suppressing them or hiding them or pretending they don’t exist doesn’t change the way I really feel. Telling people I love, and especially telling Jonah, has been so liberating. I can say what I really feel and not hide behind the wall I’ve put up all these years. Each year more bricks in my self-imposed wall come down, and I’m grateful that I can just “be.” I’m glad I can freely tell Jonah that I think Orlando Bloom is hot and not fear any repercussions (I couldn’t do that in sacrament meeting or even with my family and feel comfortable at this stage in life). As far as Jonah and the blog, I think the only thing he takes issue with is that I named him Jonah (“My name is Jonah?!”).

As Jonah and I have talked about our feelings, I’ve known for some time that people at school probably suspect we are a couple, and at first when I wasn’t sure where I wanted to go with this relationship, it made me nervous (although I still didn’t care what people thought. I figured if they thought we were boyfriends, that was their problem not mine; yet I wanted the truth about the relationship to be on my terms, not due to idle gossip). But I don’t care anymore. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I don’t mind going places and inviting Jonah to be my date. Let people talk about it if they want. Whatever the two of us make of this relationship is our business, and that will always be our truth.

Jonah and I had a nice talk tonight after we got home from Disneyland. He said he doesn’t mind the blog at all. He thinks it’s great that I can be honest about my feelings and get other people’s feedback. He really just wants to be sure I’m okay. I did admit that although I didn’t feel guilty about cuddling and kissing this morning, I do feel a bit of guilt now (not much, but guilt nonetheless). I guess years of being told that you should feel guilty for engaging in certain behavior will do that to you. Yet, like I said, when we actually did it it felt good and natural and right. I told him this is still all new to me and that I still don’t know what I’m doing or what I want and that I hope he’ll just be patient with me. We both agreed that regardless of what our relationship turns out to be, what we have has never been wasted time and that we are grateful for one another’s friendship. Jonah’s a very patient guy and a great friend, so for that I am very grateful. I must admit when he said he wanted to be my boyfriend, my heart skipped a beat and I felt very giddy. I’m such a nerd (which is what I told Jonah, and he replied that he likes nerds).

I admitted to Jonah that after I told him the truth about how I felt, I fretted about whether I had made the right decision. I even had a terrible headache that night (stress-induced, I’m sure, since I rarely ever get headaches), but I am convinced I have done the right thing. I don’t know what the future holds for Jonah and me. I just know that I’m very happy and in love and taking it all one day at a time.