Facebook Fuming

One of my Facebook acquaintances started the following discussion today:

A: "I can see why the homosexual community is shocked over Elder Packers talk, I mean its only been the LDS stance for a couple hundred years."

B: I'm wondering if they really think that the Church will change on this issue. Policy WON"T change, no matter how many people protest!!!

C: I heard one guy on the news say, "we expected for the church to back off after prop 8". I mean cuz being gay is like being born black and not having a choice to be white. its totally the same thing. right?

C: I love how people say that "you can't legislate morality!" huh??? what???

A: I just think that it's funny that anyone thinks this a shocking issue or talk for an apostle to give. It's like homosexual ex-mormons held this little hope that something might change. I can't seem top remember the last time the church decided to omit certain sins from its list of sins.

D: Why can't it change? I mean, the Church used to be against its priests molesting little kids too, but that changed. Oh wait...that's the Catholics.

A: ‎"Dear Brothers and Sisters, after further examination of our doctrine and after much social pressure, we have decided we must have misunderstood God about the whole gay thing, sorry our bad."

E: The world we live in is very wicked, it's so disturbing how people try to rationalize there sins. The ways of the world are not now, never were, and never will be God's ways. I don't believe in standing in judgment of others, it's not our place, but when an Apostle of God speaks we better listen.

F: Further, they are taking his remarks out of context. The meaning they took was not the meaning intended. His statement of "Why would Heavenly Father do that to anyone?" was in reference to our ability to overcome our weaknesses (regardles...s of genetic predisposition or other tendencies) and not a reference to homosexuality being inborn. Re-reading the talk makes that very clear. The church does not take a stance regarding genetic predisposition to homosexuality. We don't disagree with science that there may be something genetic. Just like violent tendencies, and alcoholic tendencies, homosexual tendencies can be overcome. The problem lies with the homosexual community not-so-subtly insinuating that it's not sinful, and that there isn't power to overcome it.

Yet, men overcome anger, alcoholism, pornography, and promiscuity every single day. What is the difference? The difference is that Satan has made the line very gray regarding homosexuality, masturbation, pornography, and other sins that don't "hurt" anybody. Violence and alcoholism are obvious, but sex is not. He is attempting to bind even the faithful members of the church by turning their sympathy and empathy into regret that the church takes a stance against homosexuality. And thus they are led safely down to hell. I'm tired of the gay community claiming our stance makes us unkind, vicious, judgmental, etc.

Sorry for the novel. I get fired up about this topic.

G: I totally agree [F]. Satan has done wonders and been wildly successful with the whole homosexuality thing, especially as it relates to church membership.

E: Very well stated [F].

H: [F], have they asked you to speak in conference yet? Very well said.

I debated about whether to add my voice to the discussion (still am), but haven't contributed yet. First off, [A] and I are not really friends. We worked on a film together, and I've never even met him face-to-face. Secondly, it is very clear to me (not just from this discussion, either) that [A] and I are on very opposite ends of the political spectrum and on very different sides of this particular issue, and I doubt anything I say would change his thinking or position or that of his friends, nor do I feel they would change mine, so what's the point? But I do want to vent about it, and what better place to do it than my own blog?

First off, speaking only for myself, I am neither surprised nor shocked by Elder Packer's talk nor do I expect the LDS Church to do an "about face" regarding the subject of homosexuality. That is not my issue. My issue is that the same rhetoric that was used in this talk and which has been used for years in the Church doesn't seem very useful or uplifting to those who must deal with this issue. Again, I'm only speaking from my own experience. I know the LDS Church is against homosexual relationships and against gay marriage and doesn't plan on changing its position. Okay, fine. But I feel that Elder Packer is making the same promises that always felt so empty to me when I was struggling with my homosexual feelings. He's essentially asking the very question I asked myself thousands of times: "Why would God do this to me if it's wrong?" but coming up with the opposite answer that I and so many like me have come up with.

All right, let's assume the LDS Church is true and that Boyd K. Packer is correct that gay people can change. I know that I, and many like myself, feel that is impossible, and instead of feeling hopeful and valiant in our fight, it just makes us feel like we must be faithless and unworthy. Something must be wrong with us because we seem to be unable to achieve what we have been promised, and that leaves us feeling depressed, miserable, and often suicidal. If Boyd K. Packer is right, and people like me are wrong (which I won't dismiss), then why does it seem like such an impossible and hopeless battle? Why, if it is so wicked and wrong, do I, and many others like me, seem so much happier and joyful now that we've come out? Are we being deceived by Satan? Are we fooling ourselves? I know others feel that we are, but I don't feel that way in my heart. I do not feel that this is the message that God has given me personally, and I know many gay people who grew up in the LDS Church that feel the same way.

An apostle's revelation supposedly overrides my personal revelation and the positive spirit I feel in my heart, but what does that mean for people like me? Do we continue to live hollow, empty lives facing a future that seems hopeless and unfulfilling, or do we make a different choice? After years and years and years of knocking myself against the door, trying to get it open, but just finding myself a bloody, bruised, practically unrecognizable mess, I decided I couldn't do it anymore. Instead I fearfully opened a different door and found that I liked very much what I found there. It has brought my true joy. Yes, joy, I say! The joy I was always promised by my church leaders if I just obeyed the commandments but which always seemed to be beyond my grasp.

I do not dispute that the LDS Church is God's true church on earth. I dispute the fact that I was asked by that church (and by association, the Lord) to do something that felt impossible, and to me that seems very unfair. Yet when I chose to come out and pursue the relationship with my partner; when I chose to accept my feelings; when I made the choice to have a commitment ceremony and engage in a sexual relationship with the man I love (choices which caused me to be excommunicated from a church I loved (and still love) and gave my heart and every loyalty to for so many years), instead of feeling sorrowful and guilty, I discovered a light and joy in my life that was lacking for so many of the years before I made those decisions. Instead of constantly wishing that I were dead and instead of facing a life that seemed like it would always be hopeless and lonely, I discovered the greatest and most fulfilling relationship I've ever had with a man who I'm devoted to and who is devoted to me. Instead of constantly living the facade of a life that I never really felt was who I was, I discovered the ability to actually be myself without shame or guilt. If the fruits of the Spirit are things like love, joy, and peace, why do I feel those things more now than I did before I made these choices? Satan cannot mimic these things, and I know I feel them! I know it!

Yes, I've chosen to act on my homosexual feelings (feelings that have been with me long before I knew my church taught that they were wrong), but I did not choose the feelings themselves. Unlike taking a drink of alcohol or smoking a cigarette or taking drugs, these feelings have been a part of my very nature for as long as I can remember, and when I fought so valiantly against them; against what feels like my true nature, it only brought me misery, confusion, depression, and sorrow.

The promise of Paul in 1 Corinthians 10 that says, "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it" is something I relied on for much of my life and which ultimately seemed untrue to me if, indeed, homosexuality is a sin because it was a trial that I felt unable to overcome, and I decided that this either meant one of four things: 1) God gave me an impossible trial to overcome, which seems like a pretty jerky thing for a loving Father to do to his child if he wants him to succeed; 2) God gave me a trial that was possible to overcome, but I was just too weak and faithless to actually do so, which makes me wonder why a loving Father would not help me cultivate the strength and faith necessary to do when I prayed and worked so hard for so long to do just that; 3) I was too weak and faithless to actually overcome my trial in this life, but Heavenly Father knows I gave my all, and Christ's atonement will somehow make up the difference that I lacked; 4) It's okay that I'm this way, and it's not a sin at all. No matter what the answer is (and I know which one I believe), I could not overcome my homosexuality, and I have hundreds of friends who feel the same way. Those who disagree with homosexuality and consider it sinful can believe that all they want, but our reality and life experience tells us something different, and until you've actually walked in our shoes, you just don't know what it is like. Fortunately, I know that God knows my heart (and the hearts of my friends) perfectly, and I trust he will judge us accordingly, and that's all that really matters to me.

I have no personal disdain for Boyd K. Packer nor do I feel his talk is motivated out of hate. In fact, if anything, I think it is motivated by a love of God's children and a concern for their spiritual well-being. I'm just saying that as someone who grew up gay and Mormon, I'm truly concerned that his words and style will cause more harm to those dealing with homosexual issues, either in their own lives or in the lives of their loved ones. I don't think Elder Packer intends to cause harm, but I think his words will, and this is what I find troubling about his talk.

Especially during this period when relations between gays and the LDS Church seemed to be getting a little better after the Prop. 8 divisions, and especially at a time when there has been a rash of suicides from young gay people (both Mormons and not), it just seemed like Brother Packer's hard-line stance was a bit ill-timed and ill-conceived. At least, that's how it felt to me.

As for the somewhat snarky Facebook conversation above, while I don't expect the LDS Church to change their policy towards gays or necessarily think they will, I'm sure there was a time when members didn't think they would change their policies regarding polygamy or towards black people. Even in my lifetime, the LDS Church I grew up with and the one I see now are not exactly the same, and it certainly has changed in some respects from when Joseph Smith was prophet. I don't know what will happen in the future. It will be interesting to see.

Being gay does not feel like a choice to me. I feel I'm as gay as I am white or male. Just saying.

As for the constancy of sin, it's interesting to note that some of the things that were considered sinful in the Old Testament, for example, are not considered sins now. I guess that's because it was the Mosaic law, but it begs the question, does what is considered sinful change with the times or with the instituted law? In the early days of the restored church, polygamy was a commandment. Now if you were to practice it, it would be grounds for excommunication, would it not?

If I am sinning, maybe I am rationalizing it, but it does not feel that way on my end. We're told to listen to the Prophet and the Apostles, but we're also told to take what they give us and pray for ourselves to know if something's true. All I can say is Boyd K. Packer has never walked in my shoes. I admit I've never walked in his, either.

I'm doing the best I can, people, with what I was given. If that's not enough, I don't know how I can do more. I can do without the sarcastic Facebook comments from people who don't understand what it is to be me. But then maybe I can do better at seeing things from their points-of-view.

In closing, I thought this pledge from a friend of a friend of mine (also found on Facebook) was very good and describes many of my feelings well:


I’m Mike. I’m a Mormon. I’m straight, and I LOVE my Gay friends.

I want to help bridge the divide between my church and the gay community.

I promise to stand up for those bullied because of their sexual orientation, their religious convictions, or for any other reason bullying may occur.

I promise not to proclaim homosexuality a “choice,” and request I not be branded “brain-washed” by those who disagree with my faith.

I feel for those who have felt betrayed, insulted, shocked, or outraged by the LDS position on homosexuality, and although that position may never change, I promise to be a source of compassion and friendship to those who seek it.

I recognize that I can never understand the heart-ache and struggle that a person or family must go through when dealing with homosexuality particularly within a religious paradigm. I promise not to make that struggle more difficult for anyone.

I cannot classify Boyd K Packers talk as “Hate Speech,” but I promise to strike down hate speech against Gays and against Mormons wherever I may find it.

I promise to continue to seek the good and virtuous from the gay community, and plea that they will seek the good and virtuous from the Mormons.

There is common ground. I know we can find it. There are passionate opinions and emotions from all parties, but there is no need to be enemies.

I can only speak for myself. I know I cannot fix this alone or even at all, but I want to try. I seek those from all sides of this issue who desire a peaceful coexistence from this cultural nightmare.

Boyd K. Packer's Talk

I was troubled by Elder Packer's talk yesterday. Not surprised, just troubled. I fully defend his and the LDS Church's right to take a stand on whatever issues they find immoral or of import, but the rhetoric in his talk was the very same stuff that always made me feel so hopeless, depressed, guilty, and unworthy as a youth. I never seemed to be able to gain the promises no matter how hard I tried or fought to overcome my sexuality (or at least deal with it in a way that wasn't making me absolutely miserable), and it made me wonder "what is wrong with me?"

As much as I would like to get on board, I just don't believe what Elder Packer said, and I don't like the way he said it. If that makes me an unbelieving, faithless heathen, then I guess I am. (Considering I'm no longer an official member of the LDS Church, I guess it doesn't really matter whether I support Elder Packer or not anymore). My heart and my personal life experience just doesn't buy it, apostle or not. I guess that makes me an apostate. Well, it's not like they can excommunicate me again.

Like I said, he has every right to defend whatever position he believes in, but I truly worry about the effect his talk will have on those who deal with homosexuality. All I can say is, walk a mile in my shoes, Elder Packer, and see if you give the same talk. On the flip side, I admit I have not walked a mile in Elder Packer's shoes, so I can only judge him based on my own life experiences.

I had planned on writing more about this, but I found an essay through a friend on Facebook that actually said many of the things I was planning on saying myself, so I'll just let Isaac Higham do the work for me.

You can either read it here or I have reprinted it in italics below (with Isaac's permission) for you to read.

Standing Up to the Bullies: A Response to Boyd K. Packer's Talk
by Isaac Higham on Sunday, October 3, 2010 at 5:11pm

Sometimes there are nights where I wake drenched in sweat, heart pounding, horrified by the dreams that had seconds before been playing out in my mind. These are the nights where I relive my days in high school. These are the nights where I relive the shame, and the embarrassment, I felt over not speaking out—over not standing up for another when they most desperately needed it.

Too many times to count I witnessed those who were brave enough to have come out in high school, or those who simply didn’t seem to fit the mold of their heteronormative gender expectations, be mocked, bullied, and outcast. Oh how badly I wanted to speak up! And oh the shame I felt for staying silent out of cowardice and fear of my big gay secret being found out. I stayed silent. I didn’t stand up to the bullies.

I am silent no longer.

And it is this determination to speak out and stand up to the bullies that drives me to address the talk given by LDS apostle Boyd K. Packer given at general conference this weekend. In his talk Packer made statements that “unnatural” same sex attractions can, and should, be overcome. He spoke of those who support marriage equality through their votes at the ballot box being akin to those who would vote against the existence of gravity.

I have no interest in arguing the absurdity of such things with the leaders of the LDS church. These are smart, accomplished, and for the most part well educated men who know better. No, I do not speak out and respond to argue their beliefs because surely they have the right to believe whatever they please, however disturbing and absurd they may be.

No, I speak out because I know that somewhere in some LDS family room or chapel pew, there sits a little boy or little girl who was just like me. A little one who desires nothing more than to be “worthy” and to have the approval of their church and of their family. I know that somewhere there is a child who, just like a younger me, quivers in fear of eternal damnation and fear of disappointing the family and the church culture they have been raised in because they are gay.

It is for these little ones that I refuse to stay silent.

The message delivered from the LDS pulpit continues to be a message of false hope, of misery, and of death for our LGBT children. LGBT youth are FOUR TIMES more likely to attempt suicide than their peers and they make up somewhere between twenty and forty percent of the homeless youth population—despite making up less than ten percent of the population of youth as a whole.

For twenty years I listened to the message of self loathing preached from LDS authorities. For twenty years I believed in their false hope that I could pray and fast and serve away my sexual orientation and God would then reward me with “righteous” heterosexual desires.

When the change never came, the blame became even more internalized, and I lost hope. But after a thankfully failed attempt to end the misery of this life, I finally found the true peace of my divine identity. I finally realized that all of those years I didn’t change because I didn’t need to. I was the way God intended me to be.

I began speaking out against the message of death that is killing our brothers, sisters, and friends. I began to work fight youth homelessness, youth suicide, and LGBT discrimination in housing and employment. I found new role models beyond the old men in the LDS hierarchy: like Reed Cowan who spends his time and efforts helping others in memory of his son, Dustin Lance Black who brought to life Harvey Milk’s message of hope and shared it with millions of LGBT persons who desperately need it, and hundreds and thousands of other activists fighting for change that is so desperately needed.

If this message should reach one of those precious souls who is somehow struggling and fighting that internal fight know this: there is hope. You are exactly the beautiful creature you were created and intended to be. There is love in this world beyond the message of death—find it.

And if this message becomes nothing more than a prayer in my heart, may the universe take it and share my love, and my hope, to those who in some way or another find themselves “in the thick of things”.

I stand confident of two things:

First, that the blood of the innocents drips from the hands of those who strangle the life and the hope out of them through their bully pulpit.

Second, that in the end I can stand upright and guilt free along side those who worked to make this world a better and safer place for everyone while others will hang their head in shame and weep for the hurt they inflicted on others in the name of self righteous piety.

“I know that you can't live on hope alone, but without it, life is not worth living.”

Amen, brother Harvey. Amen.

I Like the Grass Over Here, Thank-You-Very-Much.

Today as I watched General Conference there was a talk given by Mervyn B. Arnold of the Seventy that I quite enjoyed. He was very emotional during much of it, and I liked that he was really speaking from his heart.

In the talk he told a story of how as a girl, his wife was responsible for making sure the cows stayed out of the wheat field. A fence was built to protect them from getting out, but one stubborn cow continually stuck its neck through the fence and tried to get to the wheat. One day she broke through and ate so much of the wheat that she bloated up and died. As Elder Arnold told the story, one could tell that the story had affected him deeply. As Sister Arnold saw the cow dying, she thought to herself, "You stupid cow! That fence was there to protect you, yet you broke through it and you've eaten so much wheat that your life is in danger." Elder Arnold's voice broke as he continued with his wife's story: "I was saddened by the loss of that cow. We had provided her a beautiful mountain pasture to graze in and a fence to keep her away from the dangerous wheat, yet she foolishly broke through the fence and caused her own death. As I thought about the role of the fence, I realized that it was a protection just as the commandments and my parents' rules were a protection. The commandments and rules were for our own good. I realized that obedience to the commandments could save me from physical and spiritual death. That enlightenment was a pivotal point in my life."

I was really touched by Elder Arnold's sincerity and the emotion he felt not just for this simple cow, but for all of Heavenly Father's children. He went on to say, "Sister Arnold learned that our kind, wise, and loving Heavenly Father has given us commandments not to restrict us, as the adversary would have us believe, but to bless our lives and to protect our good name and our legacy for future generations just as they had for Lehi and Nephi. Just like the cow that had received the consequences of her choice, each one of us must learn that the grass is never greener on the other side of the fence nor will it ever be for 'wickedness never was happiness.' Each one of us will receive the consequences of our choices when this life is over. The commandments are clear. they are protective. They are not restrictive. And the wonderful blessings of obedience are numberless."

I've said many times in this blog that in spite of the fact that I no longer feel able to live according to the LDS Church's precepts as far as my sexuality is concerned that I still believe it is God's church on earth. I can only say that I still feel this way because of a very powerful spiritual experience (the most powerful I've experienced before or since) I had. I do not know how everything will be sorted out in the end, but I also feel that as far as my sexual orientation goes, and as far as doing what the LDS Church required of me, I did my best and had to make the choices I've made for my own emotional and spiritual well-being.

Watching Elder Arnold's talk, I admired his sincerity and the deep love I felt emanating from him, but as he said the words, "the grass is never greener on the other side nor will it ever be, for 'wickedness never was happiness,'" the thought came to my mind that if that is, indeed, true then the choices I've made in my life to be with Jonah and to risk the excommunication that eventually came to be are not wicked because I tell you, baby, the grass is so much greener over here; greener than even I thought it could be.

You know, when I first met Jonah and started to fall in love with him and knew that pursuing that course was contrary to what I'd always been taught and what I'd always strived to be, I had great fear that I would feel great guilt or that my "perfect" little Mormon world would implode or that the powers of hell would descend upon me or that I would fall into the grasp of the adversary. And when I faced excommunication, I imagined I would lose the Spirit or that my life might become hollow and without meaning by not being an official part of the Church.

Instead, I am so much happier and fulfilled than I even imagined could be. I am so happy to be Jonah and do not regret a day I've been with him. If anything, I regret the days I am not with him due to my job keeping us apart. I have felt a deeper and and more powerful love and understanding from my Heavenly Father than I've ever really known. I've gained an appreciation for the Church that I didn't quite have when I was a member, yet I feel perfectly fine with my current status. Sure, I miss certain things, but as a member sometimes I felt so much pressure and obligation that I'm actually happy to be free of. I still enjoy going and I still hold much of it very close to my heart, but I very much love where I am in my life. These last few years instead of hiding behind the facade of who I was expected to be, I can just be who I feel I am and simply try to be the best version of me that I can be. I have very, very few regrets in life.

I was writing a letter to my friend in prison the other day. I've written about him before. He accidentally killed a man while driving drunk and now he is in prison. Before my friend went to prison, he was self-centered, self-entitled, very slow to take responsibility for his actions, lacking in humility, irresponsible, and addicted to many things, including drugs and alcohol. My heart ached for him because I saw so much wasted potential in him that was being squandered because of his inability to get out of his own way. While saddened, none of us were surprised when he was involved in this accident that took an innocent man's life. My friend needed a wake-up call, and unfortunately (and fortunately) this was the wake-up call he needed. He is on his third year of a minimum of five years' sentence, and I have seen such tremendous growth in him during that time. He has become responsible, accountable, aware, sober, humble, giving, charitable, hard-working, spiritual, and positive, among other things.

He takes full responsibility for his actions and feels deep remorse for them, but also is trying to do all he can to better his own life and the lives of those around him. He has become the person I always thought he was. Anyway, he made a certain point about not being perfect, but working to progress. I responded by saying:

"You made a really good comment that 'this is about progress, not perfection.' I think that is absolutely true, not just about your individual situation, but life in general. I’ve learned as I get older that life is more about the journey and what we learn on that journey than it is about the destination. I watched the TV show 'Lost' faithfully until its end, and I loved it. Some people were critical because not all their questions got answered or because the 'destination' of it was ultimately disappointing, but what I liked most about 'Lost' was watching the characters’ journeys and the story-telling during the six years it was on. When the show started, all the characters were 'lost' in some way, and it was really fascinating to me to see how characters grew and received redemption for some of their wrongs, and I really enjoyed it. I enjoyed where the series took me as well and was very satisfied with the ending, but I told friends that no matter how it ended, I would still really enjoy the satisfaction I got from the six years of good television I enjoyed. I think life is like that. Sometimes we’re so preoccupied with the end result, we forget to enjoy what we experience on the way.

"As a Mormon, I used to beat myself up about not being 'perfect' and would continually get frustrated about my supposed lack of progress. I remember when I was on my mission for my church one of my church leaders gave me some good advice. He said something along the lines that perfection wasn’t a destination, but a journey and that as long as we were on the right path, that was enough. It took me a long time to learn that. I find now I enjoy life a lot more and don’t worry about trying to be 'perfect,' but just try to be the best person I know how to be. It’s really improved the quality of my life.

"And I like the idea that we shouldn’t worry too much about the regrets of yesterday or the unknowns of tomorrow; we just need to live in the now. Sure, we can learn from the past and hope for the future, but what really matters most is what we are doing right now to make life better for ourselves and for those around us."

I love where I am in my journey. Although I was told it wouldn't be, the grass is pretty green and lovely from where I stand. I'm not saying that Elder Arnold was wrong. I, quite frankly, loved his talk and believe in its precepts. I'm just saying it's all about perspective. From my perspective, things are pretty good. Again, who knows how I'll feel about things in the next life? But right now I feel I'm making the right choices to bring me great joy and happiness. My path isn't for everyone, but I have very few regrets.

I was reading a blog a few months ago. I wish I could remember which one it was, but a gay man was explaining that he had gone to church and was feeling that maybe he was unworthy to be there and he felt an impression that said (I'm paraphrasing): "This is not a church of men. This is MY church and you belong here." That really resonated with me. Since I've been excommunicated, I've had many impressions (including one from my Stake President) that make me feel that Heavenly Father is much bigger than the church itself. This is Christ's church, and though he may have a prophet as his representative, He, and He alone, actually leads the Church. I do not know if all the decisions I have made in my life are right or wrong or where I'll ultimately end up when his life is over, but I do know two things: I am happier today than I was five or six years ago, and I know that God is happy that I'm happy, and I feel He is okay with where I am in my life. I have felt that assurance many, many times during my journey. Ultimately, my fate (and the fate of each and every one of us) is between each of us individually and Him, and I am completely at peace on that front. So I do like the grass over here very much, thank you.



Perhaps soon I'll write about Boyd K. Packer's talk (which I had some difficulty with), although I will include this tidbit: "Some suppose that they were preset and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and the unnatural. Not so. Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone? Remember, he is our Father. Paul promised, 'God will not suffer you to be tempted above what ye are able, but will with the temptation also make a way to escape that ye may be able to bear it." You can, if you will, break the habits and conquer the addiction and come away from that which is not worthy of any member of the Church."

Why, indeed, President Packer, would Heavenly Father do that? That is a question so many gay Mormons ask themselves, and then they feel miserable, guilty, and unworthy because they believe exactly what you're saying, yet no matter how hard they try are unable to achieve the promise you have given. The grass over here tastes better, in my opinion.

Enlightening Voyage

When I was a young lad of about 11, there was a show on TV that I absolutely loved called "Voyagers!" If you've never heard of it, don't feel bad. It only lasted a season. The basic premise was about a time-traveler named Phineas Bogg who accidentally gets strapped with a kid named Jeffrey, who also happens to be a whiz at history. The job of the "voyagers" is to fix things that have gone wrong in history (kind of a precursor to "Quantum Leap,"). Since Phineas lost his guide book (which told him how to fix historical events gone awry), he depends on and works together with Jeffrey to make what's gone wrong in history right again. Anyway, the show was directed towards kids and was meant to be educational. My mom and I watched every episode and really enjoyed it, but ultimately it was trounced by "60 Minutes." I recently watched the whole season again on DVD, and although some of it is, admittedly, cheesy and low-budget, I still really enjoyed it and thought it held up pretty well.



Phineas Bogg was played by Jon-Erik Hexum, later famous for accidentally shooting and killing himself on the set of another show, "Cover Up." Jeffrey was played by a young child actor named Meeno Peluce, who was fairly popular in the 70s and 80s and has the distinction of being the real-life half-brother of Soleil Moon-Frye, who played the title character on "Punky Brewster." Peluce later gave up acting and , at present, is a photographer.

In any case, this trivia is useful not just for fun's sake, but also because it played a part in a dream I had last night. In the dream I was a child, about the same age I would have been when "Voyagers!" was on. However, in the dream I was a cast member on the show. Meeno Peluce and I were on a break while another scene was being filmed, and we were talking. What was unusual about the dream, and what really stuck in my mind after I woke up, was that Meeno and I were simultaneously in the past, present, and future. Here we were kids on a TV show from nearly 30 years ago, but we were talking about present-day events of 2010 as well as events from our shared past in that particular present.

For example, one of us pointed over at Jon-Erik Hexum and commented that it had been too bad the shooting accident had happened to him and that if "Voyagers!" hadn't been canceled, he wouldn't have been cast on the show where he was killed. In this present reality, Jon-Erik was making faces at Meeno and being silly while they were setting up his next shot. (Sidenote: I understand that in spite of their age difference, the real Jon-Erik Hexum and Meeno Peluce were pretty close and were good friends.) I also commented on the fact that sometimes when I watched old footage of myself from the show (footage that hadn't even been shot yet in our current reality), I was still proud of some of my acting. Meeno asked what I was doing now, and I told him I was an actor still and primarily did stage work in Utah and Nevada. Meeno said he had given up the business and had become a photographer.

It's hard to describe, but in the dream, even though we were talking like our present adult selves about stuff that exists in our lives now, I also very much felt like I did when I was a child at age 11, and everything I was seeing and experiencing around me was what I remember as a child. And yet, I was experiencing both past and future experience in this present conversation.

Now why do I even bring any of this up? After all, it was just a strange dream. I guess I felt a moment of enlightenment this morning as I woke up with this dream still very clearly in my mind and which has been with me all day. I felt just a tinge of this kind of omnipresent thought where one is experiencing past, present, and future all at once; that there is no such thing as time really; and it made me wonder if this is just a small fraction of how Heavenly Father might see us and our world.

It's really hard to explain, and I don't necessarily expect anyone to read this and really "get" what I experienced myself, but I just woke up with this feeling that we often limit ourselves because we put constraints on ourselves in our thinking. There's this idea that we only use 10% of our brains, and I really believe that. I think there is so much unlocked potential that we never really quite understand how to access as humans. I also think that if our purpose is to become like our Heavenly Father, that there are so many unfathomable possibilities of things we will learn in the afterlife that can't quite be learned here. I've also always had this idea that the things we dream about could actually be based in things we are capable of doing, but just don't know how. I often fly in my dreams, for example, and think it's entirely possible that we are capable of flying even though it seems physically impossible within our mortal coils. I believe Jesus did, indeed, walk on water, and even though it seems like it is an impossible thing for regular human being to do, I believe we have it somewhere within us to do it.

The thing is, when we dream (or at least when I do), everything seems so natural and common even though, when I wake up, it suddenly becomes weird or unusual. I've had dreams where I was talking to somebody and then they morphed into somebody else, and it the dream it seemed completely normal whereas if it happened in our waking life, we would deem it strange. Or I've had dreams where someone is speaking to me without moving their lips (like they're transmitting me pure thought, which, by the way, I think is how we communicate in the afterlife).

Anyway, this particular dream reminded me that we have so much unlocked potential within us, and that we are capable of seeing things in entirely new and limitless ways. It was nice to be reminded of that. Anyway, just thought I'd share.

Eulogy For A Housefly

Recently I noticed a housefly crawling on the mirror in my bathroom. I was intrigued by it because it's body looked gold, much like the housefly in this photo:



It's interesting, but houseflies do not typically bother or annoy me. I realize flies are typically seen as filthy pests and carriers of diseases because that is, in fact, what they are. But I actually like the tickling sensation of a fly crawling on my hand. That's probably weird, but flies don't bother me. Spiders, on the other hand, which I know rationally are far more useful creatures than flies (specifically because they often eat them) freak me out.

In any case, I watched this "golden" fly crawling on the mirror for a few moments, and then I had to rush off to work. Later that evening, after I came home from work and was finally going to bed, I noticed this same housefly dead on the floor not too far from the toilet. I knew it was the same fly because I had examined it so closely when it had been alive just a few hours before.

And then something strange happened as I looked at this dead fly on the floor: I felt a feeling of compassion and sorrow for this now deceased creature. I truly felt a feeling of sadness for a common housefly. I guess the reason why is because as I stared at this fly only hours before, he or she was merrily promenading and cavorting on the surface of my bathroom mirror with no idea that just a few hours later, he or she would be cold-stone dead on the tile floor.

And then I guess I got to thinking how all of us are just like this little fly, happily living our lives and going about our business, never knowing for certain if today might be our last day on this earth. Death sometimes comes slowly, but for others it is complete, unforeseen, and tragic surprise.

I realize the lifespan of a common housefly is not that long relatively, and therefore I shouldn't be surprised that a once vivacious creature could be lifeless only a few hours later. Nonetheless, I was taken aback and briefly mourned the death of this insect.

I must admit his (or her) funeral wasn't terribly dignified. I picked the fly up with a piece of crumpled toilet paper and flushed it down the toilet. Nonetheless, the fly's death did get me thinking about my own mortality and the mortality of those I love and how short life really can be. For that I am thankful. It's nice to be reminded of the preciousness of life.

Thanks, little housefly. R.I.P.

Talking to the Colonel

I don't think I've ever written about this, and only a few people know this, but ever since I was a child, when I'm praying to Heavenly Father, the image that I see is that of Colonel Harland Sanders. That may sound sacrilegious, but that's always the image I see in my head.




It probably stems from the fact that my family frequented Kentucky Fried Chicken quite a bit when I was a child, and I associate good times with my family with KFC. Of course, as a kid I was left with the impression that God was man all in white with a white beard, and looking at the iconic logo of Colonel Sanders, he fits the bill (although I guess I didn't really think about the fact that the Supreme Being of the world wouldn't need eyeglasses).

And when I look at Colonel Sanders and, more specifically, the famous KFC logo of him, he's smiling, jovial, grandfatherly, and relatable, all attributes I felt my Heavenly Father would have. To a child who had no concrete view of what Heavenly Father actually looked like, I guess Colonel Sanders seemed like the closest thing I could relate to, and therefore, he became a kind of proxy for me.



Of course, now that I'm older the rational part of me assumes that God probably doesn't look like Colonel Sanders, but the image is so imprinted in my mind now that this is still who I see in my mind when I pray, and I actually find it very comforting. It makes me think of my Father as a relatable and accessible individual rather than some distant and unreachable being. Even though God is probably much more fit than Colonel Sanders and undoubtedly doesn't require corrective lenses to see, I like the idea that my Heavenly Father is this warm, grandfatherly figure.

Now I have no idea what the real Harland Sanders was like; this is simply the image I had of him as a child, and that image somehow got transferred into my relationship with God. I don't tell people about this very often because it probably sounds weird, but it is what it is, and I don't apologize for it, and now it's out there for the entire blogging world to know.

I also don't think God is offended by the image I've created in my head of him. After all, Harland Sanders is one of his children, too, created in his image, and the ideas he represents for me are all positive ones that I feel God would have as attributes. And it's not as though I'm even worshipping or praying to the actual Colonel Sanders. It's simply his face and demeanor I see in my head when I pray.



I liken it to something George Burns says to John Denver's character in the movie Oh, God! "Not what you expected, huh? I picked a look you could understand. For someone else I would have looked different. I could do any face, voice, whatever. I could even be a woman." - his point being that to John Denver's character, he appears as an old man because that's an image John Denver's character will understand and relate to. I'm sure all over the world, God looks very different in various people's heads when they pray to him. He probably doesn't care so much what image they've conjured up; just so long as they're praying to Him, communicating with Him, and keeping Him in their hearts. At least, that is what I believe.

Anyway, until I see my real Heavenly Father in the flesh, for me right now, he looks like Colonel Sanders. Hope that isn't too odd.

Shhh...Don't Tell Jonah!

Today I went to my niece's baby blessing (it is the first child for my sister and her husband). It was a really good meeting, and I felt the Spirit unusually strongly as she was being blessed. A thought came into my head that this child in particular was going to be really special. I thought it was interesting that my brother-in-law mentioned in the blessing that my niece be given the gift of compassion and sensitivity particularly in her relationship to those who might be different or disabled or have special needs. It was kind of out of the blue, but seemed oddly appropriate for some reason.

My only regret was that I was unable to join the circle in blessing my niece. Normally, stuff like that doesn't bother me much. I haven't particularly missed holding the priesthood or going to the temple or taking the sacrament. But today I did feel a little left out as I watched my brother and nephews and brothers-in-law take part in blessing my niece. I realize based on the decisions I have made in regard to my relationship with the LDS Church that those are the consequences, and I accept that. But it still made me a little sad.

My sister and brother-in-law both gave really nice testimonies. My sister is one of the best people I know. My brother-in-law is a bit of a goof, but I like him, and he's a good man. That baby is very lucky to have the parents she has.

Testimony meeting was very nice. I had a good day at church.

When Jonah and I got together, I made it clear that I didn't want kids, and he accepted that condition, although I know he would not be opposed to having them. I still don't really want kids. I feel like I'm getting too old, I'm too selfish, it would be too expensive, and I feel I would have to make some sacrifices I am not ready to make in order to be as good of a parent as I feel I would need to be. But I must admit that my new niece made me momentarily "baby-hungry." If I thought I had the energy, money, and ability to still do what I do career-wise and have a kid, I might consider it; but I just don't see it.

Still, there is a part of me that would like someone to carry on my name and memory or someone to pass on my legacy, whatever that might be or someone to be there for me when I'm old like I feel I am there now for my mom or someone who I can focus on so much I forget to be selfish.

I don't think a kid is in the cards, really, but I do have yearnings once in a while. Anyway, I love, love, love being an uncle...and sometimes I think that's much easier, much simpler, and more my style.

Hope You're Okay With That

There is a kid that sits in front of my mom and me in Sacrament Meeting. His parents are good friends of ours, and I have known the husband my whole life. This son of theirs is about ten years old, and I have known him his entire life. When I was a Primary teacher, I taught his older brother, and he (the kid I'm talking about) was in the Sunbeams. As I've watched this kid grow up, I become more and more convinced that he is gay. He may not know that yet, and it may not even be so, but this kid sets off my gaydar big time. I can't even pinpoint what it is. I mean, he's a bit effeminate and certainly has his own individual sense of style and fashion, but that doesn't necessarily mean he is gay. But I think he is, and I'm interested to see what he's like another ten years from now. I think what I like most about him is he refuses to "fit in a box." He is definitely his own person and seems to have no shame or qualms about expressing himself through his appearance.

Anyway, if it does turn out that he's gay, I hope his parents will be okay with it. They do lean more on the liberal side, so I suspect that even if they are not initially cool with it, they will come around eventually. I'm pretty sure the husband, at least, knows I'm gay, and his attitude toward me hasn't changed one iota. And his father is my former bishop, a man who I have referred to many times in this blog as being one of the most Christ-like men I know.

And who knows? Maybe the kid isn't gay at all. Maybe I'm just projecting something on him that doesn't even exist. It doesn't really matter. It's just interesting to me to speculate about.

This brings me to another kid I know, this one considerably older. I've also known him his whole life, although I am not as close with his family as I am to the aforementioned family. This kid is about 21 or 22 and returned from a mission recently and is engaged to be married in about a month. I also have always suspected this kid is gay as well. Unlike the previous family, this kid's family is ultra-conservative, and I have a very hard time imagining that they would ever be okay with his being gay. And again, I may be wrong (although I will say that my gaydar is pretty accurate), but I do get the feeling he's done all the things he does because it's the "right thing to do" or because he's expected to do them. And although he may love his fiancée, I feel a sense of sadness in him and wonder if he will regret his choice later on in life (or if she will regret it). Maybe they won't. I know some mixed-orientation couples who seem to be making things work for themselves. I just know I wouldn't have been happy myself were I in his same situation. I feel like who he really is inside is being covered by this "brave-faced" facade.



Again, it's all speculation. I could be completely wrong about both these kids. I guess only time will tell.

Happy and Satisfied

A little more than two years ago I wrote the following in my blog post:

"Recently my mom put a photo of my sister and her fiance on our piano in the living room. That's where many of the family photos go. There are several photos of my older brother and his family and ones of my older sister and her family. And now there is one of my youngest sister and her soon-to-be husband. But there are none of me and Jonah. My mom loves Jonah a lot and she also loves me a lot, and I don't expect her to put a photo of us on the piano because I know it would be awkward for her to explain to visitors about us, and I don't want to put her in that position."

At the time I wrote that, it made me sad that my relationship was not getting the same kind of recognition my then-engaged sister was getting. That wasn't necessarily anybody's fault. It's just what it was.

I'm happy to say that now my mom has plenty of photos of Jonah, me, and our cats around the house. I recently gave her a couple of framed photos from our wedding, and she has prominently displayed them. I am able to talk freely about my relationship and my sexuality with anyone in my family, and it's a wonderful feeling that everyone accepts it and loves Jonah like they love me.



Happy days indeed!

Apologies From Orrin

So about three weeks ago Senator Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) was in St. George and may the following statement at a town hall meeting: “Gays and lesbians don’t pay tithing; their religion is politics." His point was that "Republicans need to organize and pull together just as unions, environmentalists, personal injury lawyers and gay rights activists do for Democrat candidates." (the latter quote is from the Salt Lake Tribune article, not from Hatch himself).

When several people wrote Hatch and the newspaper that his quote about gays and lesbians was offensive, Hatch tried to clarify his statement by saying, “Many gay people are vociferous Democrats who are willing to pony up money for politics. That’s something I admire...I don’t know how I could have been much more complimentary the way I said it...There are some very, very good gay people who are very religious who undoubtedly pay tithing. That wasn’t what I was talking about. I was talking about politics and praising them for getting involved. I was making the point that they don’t just stand on the side, they actually support their Democratic candidates with their money.”

You can read about his apology here.

Even if that was Hatch's point, I thought the way he said it was careless and clumsy. Shortly after he said it, but before he had apologized for it, I wrote him a rather spirited, but polite letter indicating why it was offensive to me even understanding the context in which it was said.

Today I received a letter from Senator Hatch. It was not one of his usual form letters that he often sends when I bring up an issue with him, and it appears to have been signed by him instead of a stamp of his signature.

The letter said,

Dear [Cody],

Thank you for contacting me in reaction to a statement I made during a townhall meeting in Utah. I appreciate your sharing your views with me regarding this matter.

I apologize if you found my comments offensive, that was never my intent. My comments sought to demonstrate that many activist groups, such as the gay and lesbian community, are active in politics and contribute heavily to certain candidates. I recognize that my choice of words may not have been the best way to convey my point, but please know that I have the utmost respect for the members of the gay community. Furthermore, I recognize that religion plays an important role in the lives of many citizens regardless of their sexual orientation.

Again, thank you for writing.

Your Senator,

Orrin G. Hatch
United States Senator

Orrin Hatch and I rarely agree on much politically, and it is very unlikely that I will vote for him his next reelection ( I haven't voted for him the last two elections he was up for office); and those reasons for not reelecting him have little to do with this. I will say it takes a big man to apologize when he knows he has made a mistake, and I appreciate his writing me to clarify himself and to admit that his choice of words was not the best. I quibble with his having the "utmost respect for the members of the gay community" while he still continues to fight against gay-rights, but I thank him for his apology and consider this particular matter closed.

Progress?

The following letter was sent out to 60 or so stakes in southeast Idaho:

We live in a time of increasing difficulty and temptation. The world is relentless in its efforts to ensnare Latter-Day Saints. One particularly devastating and challenging trial faced by many members of the Church is same-gender attraction. This unwanted difficulty is increasingly common. While the percentage of individuals who embrace alternate lifestyles is small, nearly 10% of people experience feelings of sexual attraction to members of the same sex. The nature of this trial leads far too many of our members to become discouraged and abandon hope. Far too many fall away from the sweet peace that the Gospel can bring.

Recently, the First Presidency and other Leaders of the Church have made an effort to approach same-gender attraction with a new level of compassion and understanding. Elder Jeffery R. Holland wrote an article for the Ensign which was published shortly after the release of the new pamphlet God Loveth His Children. Reading these documents, it is clear that the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve recognize the need for us to reach out in love and understanding to those who experience same-gender attraction.

To that end, we have organized a fireside designed for all members of the Church: individuals who experience same-gender attraction and Priesthood Leaders, as well as every parent and friend in the church. We invite your stake or ward to participate in this unique opportunity. Please make an effort to let every member know about this invaluable learning experience. This special fireside will include specific instruction for you as Priesthood Leaders, for those who experience same-gender attraction, and for friends and family. Presenters will include Priesthood Leaders and Mental Health Professionals. We are also honored to announce that Ty Mansfield, world-renowned author of In Quiet Desperation, will be our feature speaker.

We've included a flier that could be posted in your buildings. We've also included an announcement to add to your bulletin for the next couple of weeks. Additionally, we encourage you to consider announcing this event from the pulpit. Perhaps you are aware of individuals who would benefit from this fireside; they would most-likely benefit from a special personal invitation for them to attend.

Thank you sincerely for your efforts in reaching out to those who struggle daily with this incredibly difficult and often misunderstood challenge. As we all strive to increase our understanding and compassion, we will be better able to offer the Christ-like love and support so desperately needed.

You know, when I was struggling so hard with fighting against my homosexual feelings and trying to be a good member of the LDS Church and feeling alone because I didn't feel like the Church was doing much to help people like me, this letter probably would have been a welcome one. Now I have some problems with it.

Although I admire the fact that church leaders are doing more to deal with this issue in a more compassionate way, in some ways it feels too little, too late. But I do at least support the fact that those who are struggling with this issue have an outlet of sorts, although in the long run I wonder if it does more harm than good.

I know there are a fraction of people that have been able to live with their homosexual attractions and still live as fully worthy members of the LDS Church. Many of these people are married and making those marriages work the best they can. Many feel this is their cross to carry and are doing it as best they can. I admire their tenacity and devotion to what they believe they must do.

Ultimately, I was one of those people who couldn't do it and no longer want to do it. To each his own, but I think things like this may give people like I once was false hope that they can change or overcome something which, in my mind, is truly difficult, if not impossible, to overcome and which maybe is something that isn't really meant to be overcome. Of course, I can only speak for myself, but when the Church teaches that if a person has enough faith and lives worthily enough and prays hard enough, God will provide a way for that person to overcome or at least live with the challenge; and that doesn't end up happening, it can make a person feel very hopeless, depressed, guilty, sorrowful, frustrated, and make them wonder what is wrong with them. As someone who has been on both sides, that was a miserable way to live, and I'm happy that is no longer my life.

The letter says "too many of our members to become discouraged and abandon hope. Far too many fall away from the sweet peace that the Gospel can bring." Why does that happen, and why so often? Maybe it's because many of these people (to sort of paraphrase Spencer W. Kimball) knock on the door until their hands are mashed to a bloody pulp and their bodies are so ravaged with the aches and pain of trying to get the blasted door open and they are filled with doubt that God even wants them to even open the door at all. Maybe it's because they discover another door to open; one that makes life far more joyful and fulfilling. Maybe it's because they feel lied to and betrayed, whether intentionally or not.

But I do appreciate the sentiment of the letter. I appreciate the fact that they acknowledge that it is "incredibly difficult and often misunderstood challenge." I appreciate that they are asking members of the church to "reach out in love and understanding" to their gay brothers and sisters. I appreciate that this issue isn't being swept under the rug as much as it once was. I appreciate that church leaders are becoming more educated and compassionate about it. I appreciate that the LDS Church has evolved somewhat as far as this subject is concerned (although I still feel they have a ways to go). Progress is slow, but when I think of where the Church was on this issue 20 or 40 years ago, and where they are today, it gives me hope that 20 years from now or 40 years from now, the LDS Church's attitude toward gay people will have evolved into even a better place.

8: The Mormon Proposition

The documentary, 8: The Mormon Proposition was released in Salt Lake City today. I actually had the opportunity to see it a week ago at the LGBT film festival, "Damn! These Heels!" It actually got a very good review in the Salt Lake Tribune today, which you can read here. While I think the movie is generally well-made and worth seeing, I didn't really agree with everything in Sean P. Means' review.

This review by George Lang is more in line with my impressions of the film. While I thought the film made some very valid points about some of the somewhat underhanded things I felt the church did in the fight for Prop. 8, I also felt the film was not very even-handed in its portrayal of the LDS Church, and I also felt the film made some fallacious inferences that made me suspect the credibility of the film as a whole.

I completely believe that the LDS Church was heavily involved in the Prop 8 fight, and I also believe they did much to hide or disguise that involvement, which I found to be dishonest and underhanded and actually made me lose some respect for the way the LDS Church dealt with it. And, truly, I don't think the LDS Church should have gotten involved in the fight at all. I also think some of the things local leaders and certain ward members did (particularly in California) were mishandled and wrong. I was upset with the LDS Church quite a bit when the whole Prop. 8 thing was going on. So I get the anger. I get the annoyance. I get the frustration.

That being said, to me the film feels extremely biased and doesn’t feel objective at all. And maybe that was the point, but I don’t think it does much to build bridges or create useful dialogue or endear gay-rights opponents (particularly Mormon ones) to the gay rights cause. And maybe that isn't the point (although some of the filmmakers were at the showing I saw and claimed that they did want the film to be a tool to help bring opponents to the side of gay rights; so if that is the point, I think the film may bring some, but alienate others, particularly Mormons). But really, I feel all the film does is rile up the people who are already on the side of the filmmakers, and if the goal is to help create a dialogue, I'm not sure it has succeeded.

In my opinion, the film often feels like a political ad where scary-sounding music and quotations taken out of context and blurred and grainy black-and-white images of the politician’s opponent are used to make the viewer see the opponent in a negative light. In this case, the Mormon Church is the opponent.

That being said, I did like the human-interest angle the film took, using a very sympathetic gay couple as the face of what happens to individuals when rights are denied. And as I have stated, I do think some of the methods the LDS Church used were somewhat underhanded and less-than-honest, so I think some very valid points were made. I also, like many gay people, was very upset and troubled with my church’s involvement in the issue at all, and I do, indeed, believe, that it was largely due to the LDS Church’s influence in the matter that the measure ended up passing. I also think it’s fair to show the negative history the LDS Church has when it comes to the issue of homosexuality. So again, I get where the anger comes from, and I can understand why the filmmakers would choose to deal with the issue from the angle in which they did.

But it equally troubles me when the filmmakers portray the LDS Church in the same fear-mongering manner which gay-rights opponents used in their commercials regarding gay people and the issue of gay marriage. It troubles me when a quote from a Mormon General Conference is taken out of context and made to sound sinister. Or when a quote is taken out of context from the book, In Quiet Desperation, and made to sound like Stuart Matis’ parents were overjoyed that their gay son killed himself when, in fact, they loved their son very much and that the quote really referred to a peace they felt that their son was freed from some of the anguish he was feeling in his life due to his personal struggles with his religion and his sexuality. I’m not saying the LDS Church doesn’t share some blame in his suicide; I’m just saying the quote inferred something very different from how I believe it was intended. I also find the film suspect when it infers that the anti-group America Forever is sanctioned by the LDS Church when, in fact, the LDS Church has denounced them and, to the best of my knowledge, the founders of the group are not even LDS themselves even if they infer they are.

In any case, I did have mixed feelings about the film, and it also did not help that an angry lesbian kept shouting profanities every time a leader of the LDS Church said something she didn’t agree with. Like I say, I get her anger, but I didn’t feel her method of expressing it was particularly useful.

I also found it interesting that the producers of the film espoused that the film’s message was that of love and that they hoped it would inspire gay people to bring their Mormon family members to it and that it would hopefully bridge a gap. Well, I’m sorry, but many Mormons hold their religion in as high a regard as gay people hold their rights, I know many members of the LDS Church who would likely be offended to see their church attacked in the way it was in this film and certainly wouldn’t help bridge a gap for them. Like I said, I have mixed loyalties and mixed feelings about the film. I am just as equally troubled about the LDS Church's methods in regard to this situation as I am about some of the rhetoric that paints the LDS Church more unfairly than perhaps they deserve. Or maybe it's that I think that even though there may be just cause for gay-rights proponents to attack the Church, it would have been nice to see them take a higher road than some of the people they are attacking.

I did find it interesting that I heard a gay couple commenting on having similar feelings about the film that I had. I do stress that I think the movie is definitely worth a view, but I do think at times it’s just as heavy-handed as a Michael Moore film (whose opinions I sometimes agree with, but he still goes overboard and too far at times).

Other films I saw at the festival, by the way, were Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work. Joan Rivers’ comedy has never been my style. I often find her comedy dirty or offensive. She has every right to do what she does, and I will freely admit she was a groundbreaking comedienne, but her style isn’t my cup of tea. I also feel like she emanates a lot of anger and ugliness, and I freely admit that I feel she has become a parody of herself. So I was delighted that this documentary allowed me to get to know Joan Rivers as a human being and actually made me feel some empathy and compassion for her. It also helped me see her in a whole different light and made me feel that my judgments of her were not wholly correct.

The movie itself was actually quite funny and touching, and I loved seeing how insecure and alone Joan Rivers is in many ways. I don’t know – I just saw a beauty in Joan Rivers that her exterior had caused me to miss. I was grateful for that. The movie is very much worth seeing.

I also saw a lesbian-themed movie called The Owls, which I found very disjointed and somewhat pointless. I didn't care for it. Maybe it would have hit me differently if I were a lesbian; I don't know.

I saw a film starring James Franco called Howl, which was about the life of poet Allen Ginsberg. I actually found it quite interesting and also liked its themes about censorship and allowing people to express themselves. It had a great cast, including Franco, Jon Hamm, David Strathairn (a personal favorite of mine), Mary-Louise Parker, and Jeff Daniels. It was a little different, but I enjoyed it.

Then I watched a documentary about William S. Burroughs, one of Ginsberg’s contemporaries. It was interesting that the man who introduced the film talked about how he had been surprised by how crazy, perverted, and drug-addled Burroughs had been, but that’s not what I got at all. In spite of his faults and flaws and hard exterior, Burroughs was revealed in the film as having more insecurity, love, and compassion than he might have appeared to have. It’s always interesting to me that two people can see the same thing and yet find two completely different meanings. And perhaps that's how people will feel about 8: The Mormon Proposition as well.

The final film I saw was a really funny zombie movie called Zombies of Mass Destruction which actually masked a deeper theme about tolerance and judging others. I thought it was hilarious, and it was actually my favorite film that I saw.
I wanted to see some other films on Sunday, the last day of the festival, but I was tired, and I ended up getting invited to watch the Tonys at a friend's house. I enjoyed hanging out with friends, but the Tonys themselves were kind of blah this year.

It was fun to go to the festival, and it made me think of how my life has changed and how comfortable and happy I am to be a gay man. Years ago I would have been petrified to attend something like that for fear that someone would discover my secret, but now it feels so natural and comfortable.

I actually like being gay. I like being who I am. When I think of years past when I hated myself or when I was constantly guarded; when I think how afraid I was that somebody would discover the truth about me; when I think about how alone I felt; when I think of the guilt and unworthiness I felt simply for failing to be what I thought I was supposed to be; when I think about how uptight I was; when I think about how I used to wish I were dead; when I think about the stress and worry it was causing me to think that I would be disappointing my friends and family; when I think about all the conflict and angst I felt; when I think about how I never felt like I could say what I really felt; when I think about the tears I shed and how I felt like a failure as a follower of Christ, and then when I look at how comfortable and happy and peaceful and free I feel now, I am so happy to be who I am. Years ago I would have given anything not to be gay. Now I think that even if Heavenly Father appeared to me today and told me he could make me straight, I would decline his offer, I think.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for today.

The God I Believe In

I happened to run across this short gay/Mormon-themed film called The Blessing on YouTube last night, and it typifies the Father and Supreme Being I personally know and believe in. It's in two parts here, but will only take about 15 or so minutes to watch.

I'll wait while you watch it, and then I'll make some points. And do watch it before you read the rest of this post because you're about to get a bunch of spoilers.





At the beginning of the movie, it says it is based on a true story, and although I know there are people in the LDS Church who would absolutely insist that something like this could never happen and would insist that God is "straight down the line" in his dealings and would allow no exceptions, I believe in a Father who would allow the kind of exception that is portrayed in this movie. I do not believe an incident like this could ever be the norm in the LDS Church, but I like to think that Heavenly Father was using this as a teaching example for all involved. I believe it shows His love for ALL of His children.

It was important to the father that the gay son be involved; I think it was important for the gay son to maybe learn some humility and also perhaps rekindle a connection to something he had lost; it was important for the Bishop to learn to follow inspiration even if it means going against the grain; it was important for the other family members to learn humility and to accept their sibling/son as Christ would have. And notice that Heavenly Father didn't inspire anyone to let the gay son give the blessing, but to just be a part of it. And notice that the supposedly more worthy son did not end up taking part in the blessing (a moment that kind of reminded me of the LDS Church-produced movie, The Prodigal Son, a modern retelling of the Bible story where the "good" son, who remained true to his father, resents the prodigal son, who has wandered, but has now repented; and the wife of the son who remained true helps him realize that he has his own sins to repent of; that none of us are truly worthy without the atonement of Jesus Christ).

I also liked how sympathetically the Bishop in the movie is portrayed. He's kind of like many Bishops I have dealt with myself who understand when the letter of the law and when the spirit of the law need to be applied.

I know there are some who think that an unworthy Priesthood holder (or one who didn't even hold the Priesthood) would never be allowed in the circle, but I think about people who appear on the outside to be very worthy Priesthood holders who give blessings unworthily, and I don't believe in a Heavenly Father who would deny a faithful blessing receiver a blessing simply because the giver of it was unworthy. After all, it's God's power that ultimately supplies the blessing, not the words or power of the actual people involved (although I certainly think the faith of the people involved can be instrumental to the outcome; but I also know I once received a very great and profound blessing at a time when I was both unworthy and faithless, so even then God's power overrides all, in my opinion).

Anyway, the movie really illustrated a point I made in my last post about possible exceptions God might make. And I do believe they are exceptions. It comes back, however, to a point that was made to me by my Stake President shortly before I was excommunicated and a point that was illustrated in a one-man show I saw recently which talked about a gay man's experience with Mormonism and his homosexuality in that I think that Heavenly Father is bigger than the Church or the human beings who are in it. Men are fallible. Heavenly Father is not. Men have limited sight. Heavenly Father sees all. Men are judgmental. Heavenly Father has perfect judgment.

The Being that I feel I know and love is the kind of being that would allow for what occurred in this film. It would be the exception, but He would allow it.

I also saw another short film on YouTube as well called Voicings by the same writer/director. I enjoyed that one, too, but The Blessing is the one that really illustrated the point I wanted to make about how I view our Father's compassion and mercy.

Happy Anniversary (And I Do Mean Happy)

A year ago today I was excommunicated from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (of which you can read about here if you are not already familiar with my story). I've been reflecting about what impact that has had on my life. As far as the eternal consequences, I cannot say what impact it has had. I guess I will find that out on the other side.

I can tell you, however, how it has impacted me in mortality. If anything, life is better. Life is happier. I must admit, I was somewhat surprised that this has been the case. After all, in Mormon culture one is told and taught that excommunication is a terrible thing, and I suspect there is a large percentage of Mormons who don't believe that a person could possibly be happy outside of the Church. I have not found this to be the case at all. We are also sometimes led to believe that if we are excommunicated, we lose the full fellowship of the Holy Ghost. If that is true, then I never had it to begin with because I have not noticed any significant change in my spiritual connection to God or to the Spirit since being excommunicated. I still feel very much in tune with spiritual promptings and perhaps even more so.

It was interesting; at church yesterday one of the men who was at my church court - a man I have known for quite some time and who I genuinely like and respect - was speaking. The main theme of his talk was trusting in the Lord. One of the things he said struck me somewhat. He said (and I am paraphrasing here) that often because we rely on our own wisdom rather than the Lord's commandments and perfect knowledge, we go astray whether because of pride or rebelliousness or faithlessness or because we would rather have temporary happiness rather than eternal joy, and we are not trusting in the Lord enough. I know he believed very firmly what he was saying and who knows, maybe he's right. However, it got me to thinking about a quote from one of my very favorite plays, Inherit the Wind where the defense attorney, Henry Drummond says, in reference to his client, Bertram Cates, "What if a lesser human being - a Cates, or a Darwin- has the audacity to think that God might whisper to him? That an un-Brady thought might still be holy?" Basically, the quote refers to the fact that a human being may receive inspiration from God that does not fall in line with the prevailing authority.

I guess what I'm trying to say was that as this brother was giving his talk, I was thinking to myself, "I am trusting in the Lord. I am doing exactly what I feel he has inspired me to do even if that doesn't fall in line with what I've been told I must do by church leaders." Of course, the line of thinking in the LDS Church is that whether it be through God's voice or the voice of his servants, it is the same. Whatever the apostles and prophet teach or tell us, it is just as if it comes from Heavenly Father Himself. No personal revelation given to us can supersede what the prophet has given as counsel for the Church. So as far as Mormon doctrine is concerned, I have gone astray. I have not trusted in the Lord or his servants. I am delusional and misled. I have been fooled by the adversary.

Okay, fine. People can think that. But here's what I do know: I am undoubtedly happier and more at peace than I ever was before I found Jonah and came out of the closet. My life is richer in so many ways than it was when I was trying so hard to live my life the way LDS doctrine had always taught me to live it. I actually feel closer to God now than I used to. Instead of begging God to release me from this mortal coil because I was too miserable to continue, I have come to a place where I am so grateful for all that is in my life, and cherish the life and the partner I have now. Instead of feeling alone and sad, I feel so much love and joy in my partnership with Jonah. Instead of constantly putting on this false facade of trying to be a person I never felt I was, I am finally relieved of the stress and unhappiness it was causing because now I'm free to be me. Instead of feeling this intense pressure of living up to the church's idea of who I'm supposed to be and the ensuing guilt that came when I failed to do so, I feel such peace and harmony and balance in my life because I am no longer beholden to that ideal.

I'm sure there are those who would say this is just temporary happiness or that I am misguided and that regardless of what I feel, I am still living in sin. Fine. Think that. I just know this is the right path for me. Satan cannot create happiness or joy, and these are the things I feel, so I believe they must come from God. I am absolutely assured that God is happy that I am happy, and I feel His guiding hand very much in my life with Jonah. I truly believe that God would rather I be where I am now than where I was, and I'm sticking to that belief.

I was thinking about this the other day. An example of a hard-line commandment is "Thou shalt not kill." There it is in black and white. It's one of the Ten Commandments. Murdering someone is one of the most serious sins in the scriptures. Killing someone takes away their free agency. But are there exceptions to that commandment? What about times of war? What about self-defense? What about the greater good (like when Nephi killed Laban)? What about executing a criminal? Is it then no longer murder? Who is the ultimate judge over whether it's a sin or not? Well, I guess that would be our Father.

So are there exceptions to other commandments? I know what some people will think; that this line of thinking is simply my rationalization of sin. Well, fine. Think that. That doesn't stop me from believing that God has very much guided me on the path I am currently on and that, ultimately, His final judgment supersedes anything else. When I think of the paths I could have gone on (marrying a woman and perhaps having kids; living alone and celibate for the rest of my life; killing myself; or being in this relationship with Jonah), I am convinced this was the best and happiest choice for me personally. That's not to say that it is the best choice for everybody in a similar situation to mine, but I know it was the right choice for me. I am convinced of that more and more each day of my life with Jonah.

At work the other day, I was in a discussion with five friends about Mormonism. Five of us grew up in Mormon households and one grew up in a different faith. Four of us are gay. One of us is now an atheist. Two of us went on missions. One was never active in the church. Four of us were active in the church at various points in our lives, and I am the only one who has been excommunicated and am also the only one who still attends a Mormon ward on a regular basis. Needless to say, it was a very interesting conversation.

Until this discussion, the only people I had told about my excommunication were my family members and a few very close friends. Upon learning of my excommunication, the non-member was very troubled and saddened by it, which is exactly why I haven't told many people. I don't want people to feel bad for me or sorry for me or view the LDS Church negatively because of it.

One of my friends said, "So you've been excommunicated and you still attend church?" "Yes," I replied. "Why?" he asked. "What's the point?" It was a good question.

Why do I still attend the LDS Church? Why do I still defend a church that fights against gay marriage? Why am I still loyal and devoted to a religion that has basically "kicked me out of the club," so to speak? I'm not sure there is a simple answer to those questions, nor do I expect people who are not me to understand my answers.

I guess at my core I still believe in the essential truthfulness of the LDS Church. I have had spiritual experiences in my life that I cannot deny or forget or suppress that have made me feel this way. In spite of the fact that I feel unable to adhere to some of the doctrines I have been taught and in spite of my disagreements over how some church policies are carried out, I still have a testimony of the LDS Church.

Mormonism is very much a part of who I am, just as being gay is very much a part of who I am. Mormonism feels like home to me. I do not think I would feel at home in another religion, and I also think if I were to let go of my Mormonism, I would feel like I was abandoning a part of myself. And the fact of the matter is, I actually like going to church. I would even say I like going to church more and get more out of church than I did when I was a member on record.

I have said it before, and I will say it again: some of the best qualities and attributes I have I feel are very much due to the core beliefs I was taught as a Mormon. My atheist friend said that I am one of the people he likes and admires most in this world (which was very flattering), but that he thinks I would have been as good of a person as he feels I am whether or not I had been raised a Mormon. While that was nice of him to say, I think I disagree. Some of the experiences I have had as a Mormon have shaped the kind of person I am and have given me some of the best qualities I have as a person (I would daresay I feel the same way about my homosexuality). I still feel I owe a lot to the religion I was born and raised in. I still feel a strong sense of loyalty to the LDS Church, although I am also certainly quick to voice my opinion on those things in Mormonism that trouble me.

There is also a small (and perhaps selfish) part of me that continues attending to show those who know I have been excommunicated that I am still the same person that I have always been. In a way, it's almost like a silent protest - a way of saying "Yes, I am a gay man, but I am still the person and member you have always known."

The brother who gave the aforementioned talk said to me as he was leaving, "I'm so glad to see you here." I'm not sure if he was saying it was just good to see me in general or if he was saying that it was good to still see me at church in spite of the choices that led me to my excommunication. But however he meant it, I thought to myself, "Where else would I be?"

I know there are those who do not understand my decisions. I know there are still others who do not approve of my decisions. I know I am still a conundrum to many. I don't care. All I know is I am where I am supposed to be in my life, and I am happy with my choices. If there ever comes a time when things aren't to my liking, perhaps I will change my course. But right now I am happy, content, joyful, and at great peace. If my life continues on the course that I'm on, I will have few regrets.

My First Pride

I went to my first Gay Pride festival today. I've never really had an interest in attending Gay Pride, primarily because I dislike crowds and, secondly, because I often get the impression that Gay Pride is more about partying, debauchery, and pushing people's buttons than it is about simply showing pride in who you are. That may be a false impression, nor do I judge those who use Pride in that manner; it just doesn't represent who I am as a gay person.

The only reason I even went to Pride this year was because the cast from the show I'm doing this summer was performing some numbers for the festival, which not only promotes the show, but celebrates Gay Pride; plus we got in for free. It was completely voluntary, and being the antisocial person I am, I usually don't participate in stuff like that, so I surprised myself when I eagerly chose to participate this time. This is the first Pride I've witnessed in my life since I was excommunicated (in fact, my excommunication anniversary is coming up), and I guess before I was excommunicated, I still had that feeling of remaining true to my duty as a member of the LDS Church and somehow, attending Pride didn't seem like the thing to do. Now I don't feel so beholden to my religion, and I felt free to attend without any extra baggage.

I still don't think Pride is my bag (too many people for my taste), but I will admit it was enjoyable. It was just nice to see people being themselves and having a good time and knowing that no one around them was judging them for it. I loved seeing all the children and pets and families and gay couples holding hands and straight people supporting their gay loved ones. It all seemed so normal (as well I think it should be; would it were that way everywhere). And while, yes, there were some examples of the kind of stereotypical people and activities associated with Gay Pride (drag queens, men wearing very little, protesters, effeminate men yelling things like "We're here, we're queer, get used to it!" (which sounded so cliché to me today), angry lesbians, strange people, etc., they seemed to be in the minority, and I was really pleased that most people there just seemed relatively normal and I didn't feel out of place or anything. I was also impressed with how low-key most people seemed. It just seemed like people we're there to celebrate who they are and enjoying each other's company without getting all "in-your-face" or antagonistic about it.

I found it somewhat ironic that I had attended Sunday School and Testimony Meeting in my home ward and then went straight to Gay Pride, and it also made me wonder how many people there had grown up Mormon and what had their experiences been like? How did they feel about the LDS Church now? I also thought about the facade we sometimes put on as church members pretending that all is well in Zion and living these "Peter Priesthood/Molly Mormon" lives on the outside when there are so many things going on in our lives that our fellow members never see. That also made me think about some of the outrageous things some gay people do to overcompensate for their pride in their homosexuality. I admired the fact that people were being themselves without fear at the festival. One black guy in a kilt was just dancing to the beat of his own drummer. One guy was walking around in cut-offs and heels. Normal-looking couples were just holding hands. Even though I don't necessarily understand each individual's experience, I admire the fact that they have the guts to just be who they feel they are. So many of us hide behind facades in misery.

But that also made me think of the genuine people in my own home ward. My old bishop bore his testimony today, and I looked at him in awe and thought to myself, "This man truly is one of the best followers of Christ I know." He is completely genuine and humble and nonjudgmental and is exactly who he appears to be. It was interesting to see the kind of strange, but apt parallels between a Mormon church ward and a Gay Pride festival, and as a friend said to me today, "It's too bad they're mutually exclusive. It's too bad these two worlds can't come together somehow." I think there are examples of individuals from both sides coming together, and I certainly think both sides are making progress, but I wish Mormonism and homosexuality could somehow reside together unified.

Anyway, I had a good time today. Not sure I feel the need to go again. If I do, I hope Jonah and I can do it together. I really missed him today.

Oh, and by the way, one thing I do not get yet: Gay Republicans. They had a booth set up, and I just thought, "What an oxymoron!"

Goodbye, Melanie

About three hours ago I found out that an old friend of mine had died of cancer this morning. Just two days ago I found out that she was even sick and had only weeks to live. I guess God decided to take her a little earlier than her doctors had estimated. Needless to say, I am in shock. Melanie was younger than me by a couple of years, and she and her husband had only been married for two. She was a young, vibrant, strong-willed woman, and I am saddened by her passing.

I guess one thing that has been hard about this was that Melanie and I had lost touch over the years. There was no particular reason for that. It just happened.

I met Melanie in 1997 when I was working for a theatre company in California. We were in The Sound of Music together. She was in the ensemble and I was Uncle Max. The two of us developed a close friendship. Part of that stemmed from the fact that we were both Christian and didn't drink or smoke or sleep around like some of our fellow co-workers. I'm not judging my other coworkers, honest! It was just nice to have someone to talk to that I related to. She was of a different faith than I and, actually, had some misconceptions about Mormons when I met her.

At the time I met Melanie, I was still in the closet and trying hard to like girls. She and I hung out as friends, although I know she wanted more. Melanie was a good friend, but I wasn't at all attracted to her physically nor at the time did I feel an interfaith relationship would work, so I declined her advances. Still, we were good friends. She made feel good about myself and instilled confidence in me at a time when I was feeling somewhat insecure.

There are two things I fondly remember about her. One was that I remember going to a coffee shop with her late one night. We played Star Wars Monopoly, and I kicked her butt. Then we stayed at the coffee shop just talking for hours into the morning until it was so late (or early) that we had to go home to get some sleep. The other thing I remember was taking a trip with her to Anaheim and L.A. We went to the Movieland Wax Museum in Anaheim, a place I had fondly loved as a child, and then we went to Hollywood and went to Grauman's Chinese Theatre. I remember it was shortly after Frank Sinatra had died because his block of cement had flowers all around it. We also took a walk on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and lay down on the ground next to the stars of celebrities we liked and took each others pictures. I still have those photos and was looking at them a couple of hours ago, remembering my vibrant friend.

I later started dating a mutual friend and felt guilty because I knew Melanie had been interested in me, and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I think she was a bit hurt, but she was cool about it, and I always admired the fact that she took the high road and that we still remained good friends.

Eventually, I left my job in California and moved back to Utah, and Melanie and I continued to email each other and update each other on the goings-on in our respective lives. Somehow, that dissipated after a few years. Like I said, there was no particular reason. It just happened as it sometimes does. Semi-annually I did send mass email updates out to all my friends, including her, and I assume she received them. Every once in a while I would hear an update from her from a mutual friend. When my ex-girlfriend told me that Melanie had become engaged to the guy she eventually married, I was so happy for her because I knew that was something she really wanted, and I was glad that she had found, by all accounts, a man she loved who loved her in return.

Two days ago my ex-girlfriend (who now lives in Missouri) informed me that she, herself, had just found out that Melanie was dying and knew that I would want to know. I no longer had Melanie's phone number, but still had an email for her and wrote her telling her how much her friendship had always meant to me and that I was sorry we had lost touch. It is doubtful she ever read it. From what I understand, these last couple of days she was weak and bedridden. Her breathing was very shallow this morning, and the only time she opened her eyes was when her husband said, "I love you, Mel."

I am sure Melanie knew how much I valued her and her friendship at a time when I especially needed it, but it would have been nice to tell her one last time before she passed. It reminded me how much we need to let people know how we feel about them while they're still here.

I guess what I lament the most is the fact that her husband, who loved her so much, lost her so quickly and so soon. He said he had lost his best friend, and that got me to thinking about how much I love my partner, Jonah.

In my last post or so, I think I mentioned I was unemployed and back in Vegas with Jonah. That only lasted three weeks. I then got a surprise job offer to do a show in Utah. Jonah and I both agreed I should take it, and although I am very grateful for the job, I was looking forward to a summer with Jonah, and I miss him a lot. My friend's sudden death reminded me just how valuable Jonah is to me and how much I wish we could spend more time together. He is one of the most important people to me. I also thought of my mom, who is getting up in years, and who is one of my best friends. Although she is healthy, I also know that relatively it won't be too many years before she is gone as well. And I know I will see all my loved ones again, but Melanie's death reminded me how precious the relationships we have with our loved ones are.

I made the mistake of watching a somewhat emotional episode of the TV show "Friday Night Lights," and I just started crying; not over Melanie, per se, but because I was so, so happy that I have Jonah in my life. I was reading through the new issue of The Ensign today and read an article about agency, and it, of course, was saying that we must use our agency wisely and that when we disobey the commandments, we become captive to wickedness, and as I read that I thought to myself, "I can definitively say with no regret that I am glad I used my agency to be with Jonah even if it meant sacrificing my membership in the church." Perhaps that sounds awful, but it's how I feel. Jonah has made my life richer and brought me so much happiness and joy that I never felt when I was trying so hard to be a "good" member.

I still go to church. I still love many things about the church. I still maintain a great deal of loyalty and praise for the religion I grew up in. But I do not regret my relationship for Jonah one bit, and how that plays out in the eternities is up to God, but I know I feel true happiness in my relationship with Jonah, and true happiness does not come from the adversary.

Thanks, Melanie, my old friend, for bringing so much light into my life and into the lives of so many others. I know I will see you again some day. I was blessed by your presence. I know your light still shines. My prayers to your husband and your respective families. God bless you all.

Love,

Cody.