Arizona's Immigration Law

I have mixed feelings, most of which are negative, about this new immigration law that Arizona has recently passed. While I understand the need to curtail illegal immigration, there's just a lot about this new law that rubs me wrong. In spite of the fact that many Arizona government officials deny that it will lead to racial profiling, I believe it will, and I think Hispanics, in particular, will be targeted. There may be illegals from other countries wandering around Arizona, but it will be dark-skinned people that will be singled out, and to me, that's not much different than Nazis stopping or detaining people simply because they suspect they're Jewish.

Now don't get me wrong. People who are here illegally shouldn't be here illegally and should go through proper legal channels to become citizens. I just think this law is the wrong way to go about halting illegal immigration. I also think we sometimes to make blanket judgments about illegal immigrants. True, many of them come into our country and take advantage of our system and bleed our resources without contributing much. But others are very hard-working and have only come to America in search of a better life than the one they left behind in some of the difficult countries they have come from. Many are supporting families and suffer abuse by our own citizens who take advantage of their illegal status. Many live in fear of being deported back to terrible places and are afraid to call the police or go to the hospital for fear of being found out. Many have tried to wade through the slog of bureaucracy to obtain legal status only to fail. And I'm sorry, but I think there is greater prejudice against illegal immigrants from Mexico or Muslim-based countries than there is toward illegals from some European countries, for example.

Yes, illegal immigration is a serious problem, and yes, something does need to be done about it, but there are a lot of issues involved, and there are human beings involved, and I'm not sure turning Arizona into a police state is the right answer. An informal poll says the majority of Utahns would be in favor of such a law as well. It just bothers me. It also bothers me that the same people who are against universal health care because of too much government interference are completely on board with any immigration reform, regardless of how much government is involved, so long as "those people" get out of our country.

Anyway, those are my thoughts.

Ethical Question

You're walking out of your apartment in the late afternoon on your way to work when you notice another car in your complex with its headlights on. You look around. There's no one in sight. You don't know who the car belongs to. As you look at the car, you notice that the driver's door is unlocked. Question: do you invade the owner's car without permission to turn off his or her headlights or do you respect the person's property even though there is the risk that his or her battery will die?

Stake Conference

I attended a really good stake conference today. Actually, I missed the first hour because I forgot it was stake conference, but what I did catch was pretty terrific. When I came in, the primary was singing a really nice arrangement of "I Feel My Savior's Love" combined with a song I wasn't familiar with called "I Know My Savior Love's Me." I quite enjoyed it.

A sister bore her testimony, we sang "Because I Have Been Given Much," and then the rest of the time was given to the visiting general authority, Elder Christopher B. Munday. I found him utterly charming, funny, and yet his message was very spiritual. I wish all talks could be as delightful as his was.

He first told a story of how he was a stake president one, and the visiting general authority had told them to be strict about their time. In doing so, there turned out to be some extra time. The visiting authority then pointed out a man way in the back to Elder Munday and said he wanted that man to bear his testimony. Elder Munday told the authority that was not the right guy, but the authority insisted. Elder Munday then went on to explain that when he was six years old he had gone to his first church meeting at an LDS branch, and this man had been a branch leader there. Elder Munday witnessed this man at this first meeting proclaim that he was never coming back to the church because of something someone had done to offend him.

In later years, Elder Munday was this man's branch president, bishop, and stake president and over the years he tried to reach out to this man. The man didn't want to have anything to do with the church and some of his family members became inactive as well. Elder Munday said that on this occasions when he would try to visit the man, he would turn out his lights and pretend he wasn't home.

This particular Sunday of the stake conference, he had dropped off his active daughter, but couldn't get out of the parking area because two cars had inadvertently pinned him in. His gas tank was almost at empty and it was a particularly cold day (this was in England). Rather than wait in the cold car he decided to, in his words, "burn with the Mormons" in the church house.

When asked by this visiting authority to get the man to bear his testimony, Elder Munday dumbfoundedly asked how the authority would go about getting that to happen. The authority replied, "Go out there and get him." Elder Munday walked to the very back of the room, which was filled with about 1,000 people and asked the man, who was dressed in jeans and old sweater and was unshaven and had his arms folded, to bear his testimony. The man refused. Elder Munday started back to the stand. He had only walked two or three feet when the authority motioned to him to bring him up. Elder Munday physically pulled the man out of his chair and escorted him to the stand.

The man, unhappy to be there, said simply, "I would like to say I know the church is true, but I cannot," and then left. Elder Munday looked at the authority as if to say, "I told you so," and was surprised to see the authority beaming. The authority leaned over and said, "Wasn't that wonderful?"

The meeting soon ended, and as Elder Munday headed toward his office, he saw the man charging toward him. The man grabbed him by his tie and said, "Was it you?!" Munday responded, "No, it was the authority." The man saw the general authority, rushed toward him, grabbed him by the tie and angrily repeated the same question, "Was it you?!" The authority said, "No, it was the spirit." The man stopped short and said he wanted to talk to Brother Munday and the visiting authority in Elder Munday's office.

As then men sat in Elder Munday's office, the man cried and said, "Why didn't somebody pull me out of my chair 22 years ago?" and with tears in his eyes said, "I've always known the church was true."

The man and many members of his family eventually went to the temple together. It had been 23 years since this man had stepped in the temple. At their temple recommend meeting, the man's wife looked happier than he had ever seen her. He asked the man if he felt worthy to attend the temple. The man replied, "I do. I feel clean, and I feel so happy." The man, his wife, and several family members were able to attend the temple together. The next day the man, who was 72, died of a heart attack.

Elder Munday's point was that he was glad that the authority had been spiritually perceptive enough to notice this one man out of a crowd of a thousand and know that it was time for that man to come back. What I got out of was how much God loves his children; how eager he is to bring us closer to him; and how he knows our hearts so much better than anybody else can. It helped me remember that how we see each other is not how God sees us; how we need to put judgment away and let God work through us to help his children, even the ones we feel are past help.

Elder Munday also told the story of how President Hinckley had called him as a Stake President and how he wanted to meet his family. Elder Munday said his boys especially were very rambunctious and he and his wife were afraid of the negative impression his sons might make on the prophet. Sure enough, as they were driving to have dinner with the prophet, the sons (one in particular) began to fight. Elder Munday said he often let his sons settle disputes by boxing each other. He said you would never find that in a family home evening manual, nor was it doctrine, nor did he recommend it, but that it seemed to work for his kids.

When the family arrived, President Hinckley said to each of the first two boys, "I can tell you are good boys," and then to the third (the troublemaker in the family), he said, "I can tell you are a good boy...when you are asleep." Elder Munday said, tongue in cheek, that he knew right then President Hickley was a true prophet.

He also shared stories about his own doubts when he was a missionary and his struggles with the French language as well as counsel he gave to his own son when he was having doubts about his abilities to be a good missionary. He also talked about how he knows there are times when it feels like God has abandoned us, but that He's always there, and I really felt that what he was saying was very true.

He also shared a story about a missionary that served under him when he was a Mission President. The missionary’s dad had abandoned him when he was eight months old. He had a great distrust of men, in general, and didn’t want to be on a mission. He was a very big guy and at first wouldn’t get out of bed. Elder Munday told his companion to physically pull him out of bed. The companion asked Elder Munday if he was aware of the missionary’s size and worried he might retaliate and hurt him. Elder Munday said the Lord would protect him.

The missionary met with Elder Munday and told him he wanted to go home and had arranged his own airfare to do so. Elder Munday stood between him and the door and promised that if he left he would continue running away the rest of his life without getting anywhere, but that if he stayed, he promised it would change his life for the better. He hugged the missionary, who it was later discovered, had never allowed anyone to hug him before. At first, he resisted, but then he gave into it. He eventually decided to stay and became (and still is) a great leader in the church and is currently a bishop.

Anyway, Elder Munday’s talk was delivered with a lot of humor, some slight self-deprecation, a lot of humility, and I found him so down-to-earth and accessible. And yet, what he had to say was enormously moving to me. And his British accent was so delightful to listen to. It was an absolutely fantastic talk.

The meeting closed with an absolutely lovely arrangement of one of my very favorite hymns, "Our Savior's Love." I just felt really good as I left and felt like the Spirit had been strong with me today.

I got into my car, and a lovely jazz, a capella version of "There Is A Green Hill Far Away" was playing. It's really been a marvelous Sunday. I think the Lord has been aware that I have been a tad down the last couple of days, and I really felt like He was trying to buoy my spirits and let me know that things are going to be okay. For that I am enormously grateful.

Aw!

This is a picture of one of our cats. I thought it was so adorable, I just had to share it.

A World Without Gay

I was pondering recently what our world would be like if the homosexuals or bisexuals who have inhabited it throughout history had never existed. Being from the arts, many of my conclusions come out of that field.

No Rock Hudson/Doris Day movies. Rock was gay.
You like the music of Savage Garden, Queen, Wham!, REM, *NSYNC, Erasure, David Bowie, Melissa Etheridge, Rufus Wainwright, and Green Day? Sorry, Darren Hayes, Freddy Mercury, George Michael, Michael Stipe, Lance Bass, Melissa Etheridge, Rufus Wainwright and Andy Bell are all gay. Billie Joe Armstrong and David Bowie classify themselves as bisexual.
Do you like the plays Our Town, The Glass Menagerie, A Streetcar Named Desire, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf, The Importance of Being Earnest, Breakfast at Tiffanys, Bus Stop, Master Class, and The Dark at the Top of the Stairs? Sorry. Their authors were all gay.
Oh, and by the way, if you like the musicals Wicked, West Side Story, Fiddler on the Roof, Hairspray, On the Town, Hello, Dolly, Mame, Anything Goes, Kiss Me, Kate, Pippin, Godspell, Into the Woods, Sweeney Todd, Gypsy, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, Sunday in the Park with George, A Chorus Line, Cabaret, Nine, Les Miserables, Phantom of the Opera, The Light in the Piazza, Ragtime, and Miss Saigon (among others), all were either composed, directed, written, choreographed, or produced by homosexuals.
Do you like the songs "Night and Day," "My Funny Valentine," "I Get a Kick Out of You," "La Vida Loca," "West End Girls," "You Do Something to Me," "I've Got You Under My Skin," "You're the Top," "I Love Paris," "The Lady is a Tramp," "Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered," "Blue Moon," "Isn't It Romantic?" "Send in the Clowns," "Candle in the Wind," "Crocodile Rock," "I Honestly Love You," "Don't Cry Out Loud," "Adagio for Strings," "Fanfare for the Common Man," "Appalachian Spring," "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?," "Karma Chameleon," "It's My Party," "You Don't Own Me," "At Seventeen," and "I Only Want to Be With You?" All are songs that either include music or lyrics by a gay person or were made famous by someone who was gay.
Do you like the songs of Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, The Lion King, Pocohantas, The Prince of Egypt, and Little Shop of Horrors? Music or lyrics by gay people.
Do you enjoy the ballets The Nutcracker, Romeo and Juliet, and Swan Lake? Too bad. Tchaikovsky was gay.
Do you like the voices of Johnny Mathis, Adam Lambert, and Clay Aiken? Gay.
Did you like the characters of Mike Brady on "The Brady Bunch," Niles and Bulldog on "Frasier," the second Darren on "Bewitched," Sulu on "Star Trek," Mel Cooley on "The Dick Van Dyke Show," Jonathan on "Who's the Boss," David Witherspoon on "Our House," Matthew Cooper on "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman," Major Charles Winchester on "M*A*S*H," Darlene on "Roseanne," Lindsay in "Arrested Development," George on "Grey's Anatomy," Miranda on "Sex in the City," President Taylor on "24," Elyse Keaton on "Family Ties," Marcy on "Married with Children," Dr. Kildaire on "Dr. Kildaire," Rickie on "My So-Called Life," Doogie Howser on "Doogie Howser," Barney on "How I Met Your Mother," Jack on "Will and Grace," Matthew on "Newsradio," Richard on "Caroline in the City," Mitchell on "Modern Family," Sue Sylvester on "Glee," George Huang on "Law and Order:SVU," and Monroe on "Too Close for Comfort"? Sorry. All played by confirmed homosexuals or bisexuals. Raymond Burr, who played Perry Mason on "Perry Mason," was reputed to be gay as well.
Did you like Anthony Perkins' portrayal of Norman Bates in Psycho or Farley Granger's portrayal of Guy Haines in Strangers on a Train? How about Ian McKellan as Gandalf in Lord of the Rings or Lily Tomlin as Violet Newstead in 9 to 5? Sal Mineo as Plato in Rebel Without a Cause or Nathan Lane as the voice of Timon in The Lion King? How about David Ogden Stiers as Cogsworth in Beauty and the Beast? Denholm Elliott as Marcus in Raiders of the Lost Ark and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? Rupert Everett as George in My Best Friend's Wedding? Tommy Kirk as Travis Coates in Old Yeller and Wilby Daniels in The Shaggy Dog? Montgomery Clift in his roles in From Here to Eternity and A Place in the Sun? Kathy Najimy as Sister Mary Patrick in Sister Act? Kelly McGillis' roles in Witness and Top Gun? Tom Hulce as Mozart in Amadeus? All gay.
Do you like writings of Truman Capote, Walt Whitman, Lord Byron, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Noel Coward, Hans Christian Andersen, Langston Hughes, Marcel Proust, Clive Barker, David Sedaris, Arthur Rimbeaud, and Gertrude Stein? Gay.
Do you like the comedy stylings of Rosie O'Donnell, Ellen Degeneres, Margaret Cho, Bruce Vilanche, and Wanda Sykes? How about the Kids in the Hall Hall or Monty Python, both of which would have been incomplete without Scott Thompson and Graham Chapman (both of whom are/were gay).
Do you like the movies The Way We Were, A Room with a View, Remains of the Day, St. Elmo's Fire, The Lost Boys, Romeo and Juliet, The Champ, Good Will Hunting, Milk, Scream, I Know What You Did Last Summer, School of Rock, Orange County, The Philadelphia Story, My Fair Lady, Adam's Rib, Sister Act, Regarding Henry, The Truman Show, Zoolander, 17 Again, A Walk to Remember, Chicago, Nine, Beetlejuice, and Interview with the Vampire? Produced, directed, or written by homosexuals.
Hey, are you wearing any clothes designed by Yves Saint Laurent, Christian Dior, or Gianni Versace? All gay. And a lot of the high-end fashion designs are by gay people.
Did you like Charles Nelson Reilly on "Match Game" or Rip Taylor on "The Gong Show?" or Paul Lynde on "Hollywood Squares?" Gay.
Have you ever "sweated to the oldies" with Richard Simmons or gotten nutritional advice from Susan Powter? Ever enjoyed the athleticism of Greg Louganis, Billie Jean King, Marina Navratilova, or Dave Kopay. Gay.
Ever gotten financial advice from Suze Orman? Gay.
Do you like the Beatles? Much of their success was due to their manager, Brian Epstein who was...you guessed it...gay.
Do you enjoy the potical commentary of Rachel Maddow? Do you feel politicians like Barney Frank and Harvey Milk have made important contributions? Gay. Lots of closeted gay politicians out there and lesser-known names who shape the laws of our nation, both good and bad.
Leonardo Da Vinci, Michaelangelo, Caravaggio, Socrates, Aristotle, and Alexander the Great are also reputed to be gay by some historians. Think what would have been lost in the world of philosophy and art and world domination if they hadn't existed.
And holy cow! Think of all the actors, dancers, singers, and performers on Broadway we would lose without homosexuals.

Anyway, just food for thought.

Love vs. Lust

Jeffrey R. Holland said the following in General Conference yesterday afternoon:

"True love endures. But lust? Lust changes as quickly as it can turn a pornographic page. Or glance at yet another potential object for gratification walking by, male or female. True love we are absolutely giddy about, like I am about Sister Holland. We shout it from the housetops, sometimes even in General Conference. But lust? Lust is characterized by shame and stealth and is almost pathologically clandestine. The later and the darker the hour, the better; with a double-bolted door just in case. Love makes us instinctively reach out to God and other people. Lust, on the other hand, is anything but godly and celebrates self-indulgence. Love comes with open hands and open heart. Lust comes only with an open appetite."

Although he seemed to be focusing his talk on adultery and pornography, the preceding quote struck me as very interesting. By his own criteria, it's nice to know that my relationship with Jonah is based on love and not lust. Of course, I already knew that. I'm sure there would be many members of my own faith, including Brother Holland, that might disagree with me simply because my partner is of the same sex, but it is very clear to me that love is what my relationship with Jonah is built on.

Sorry I haven't written lately. Just haven't had much to say. I have been wanting to write about politics and the new health care bill (of which I am a supporter, by the way), but I just haven't felt like getting into it.

One more thing I wanted to say. I'm facing unemployment pretty soon, which is a bit nerve wracking, although I am trying to be optimistic. I'm also trying to be careful with my money. But today an unexpected check for $83.00 came at a time when I need it, so I am thankful the Lord is watching out for me. I feel like things are going to be okay. Let's hope.

Acting Withdrawal

If you read my blog regularly, you know I am a professional actor (even if you don't read my blog on a regular basis, the blog name probably should have tipped you off). And if you've read my blog in the last few months, you also know I'm currently working in a teaching position at a small college in Utah. Although my job is related to my field (I teach theatre and acting) and although I feel like I am a pretty good teacher (and by the accounts of most of my students and my boss, they would agree with that assessment), teaching is not acting, and while I feel like I am a good teacher, I simply do not have the same passion for it as I do for acting.

I think I am a good actor. I've been working professionally as an actor for the past 15 years and have often made a good living at it. The trouble with acting is that it can be a very unsteady and unstable profession. You can have a really fabulous, lucrative year one year and a completely empty and void year the next. For example, last year was really good. I worked steadily in a lot of good productions and made more money than I had made in a long time. This year...bupkis. I haven't acted professionally in nearly a year, which has been very unusual. This has been the first time in a long, long time that I haven't been able to get an acting job. While the teaching job has been fulfilling in its own way, I miss acting terribly. I love acting so, so much, and when I'm not acting, it makes me a bit edgy. I'm just grateful I'm at least doing something that is somewhat related to my field.

I blame the economy. Like many jobs in this economy, acting jobs seem harder to come by these days. I've auditioned for many things, but it just hasn't been my year. I received news this morning that my latest audition did not pan out. I only have two more job opportunities on the immediate horizon and no way of knowing if either will pan out. This teaching job ends at the end of April (I was asked back for next year, but I'm just not making enough money doing it, so I had decline), and at this point, I have nothing lined up, so I am facing unemployment. While unemployment itself is a somewhat discomfiting thought, what really bothers me most is that I'm not doing what I love. I am going through serious acting withdrawal. I'm hoping I can find something soon and get back into the groove.

I actually had the fleeting thought last night of "Have I lost my touch?" While I realized this was a completely irrational and self-pitying thought (which fortunately has dissipated), it did pass through my mind, no matter how briefly. I just need to get back to acting.

On the plus side, no acting job means I could very likely get back to Vegas and spend some extended time with my partner. This is a terrific thing because I miss Jonah terribly. So maybe this is all a very huge blessing. I just hope when I get back to Vegas, I am able to find a job of some sort so that I can pay my share of our bills.

In any case, I hope I'll be acting again soon.

Three Things About Jonah

I admire Jonah a lot. Three of his strongest traits are his compassion for others, his great faith, and his spiritual intuition. In all seriousness, if Jonah were financially able to do so, he would go down to Haiti and help those people personally. Jonah would gladly give someone the shirt off his back without thinking twice. He would lend a needy person money without ever worrying if that person could or would ever pay him back.

I really admire that about him. I tend to be a bit more selfish. It's not that I don't even have a desire to help others. I just seem to be more concerned with my own time and money. I am glad someone like Jonah is able to help me learn to put others before myself, even if the natural man part of me sometimes resents it. I actually am grateful for it, though.

Jonah also has great faith. He just always believes that things are going to work out if one applies enough faith. He's usually right, too. I try to have great faith, and I get better every year of my life, but Jonah's faith astounds me. Case in point: when he moved his stuff into our house, he brought his cat along, and the cat got loose and ran away (probably trying to find its old home). Jonah prayed and prayed for the safe return of that cat and looked for it every day. He would cry himself to sleep over the loss of the cat. But he never gave up hope and believed he would find her again. Months passed. I was sure the cat was lost forever and secretly felt Jonah was wasting his energy on a hopeless cause.

One day, Jonah's mom saw a picture of a stray cat that was up for adoption and felt sure it was the lost cat. She called him, and sure enough, it was absolutely her. She has very distinct markings and a paw with an extra toe and answered to her name and recognized Jonah immediately. That cat now lives very happily in our home after a very tramatic experience, and ironically, seems to have really taken to me, who didn't believe she would be found. It was truly a miracle, and I know it's the strength of Jonah's faith that brought it about.

I often live in a very practical, rational world, and sometimes I excuse the true power of faith because of that. I remember when Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped. I was absolutely sure she was dead. But she turned up alive and has gone on to great things. Rational and practical are one thing, but faith is just as real as anything. I'm glad Jonah reminds me of that. The cat story is just one example of the power of Jonah's faith. I'm glad he reminds me of that power. It helps buoy me up during difficult times.

Jonah is also one of the most spiritually perceptive people I know. It's as if he can look into a person's soul and know exactly what they are going through. He can truly sense if there is something amiss in a person's life or something good just by looking at them. People are also drawn to Jonah. It is not uncommon for complete strangers (as well as friends) to come up to him and completely unburden their souls and trials and problems. Sometimes this gift is a burden to Jonah. He feels a great responsibility to listen to people and being one who likes to fix things, he also feels a great burden to help these people. Sometimes he wants to avoid the interaction because it's too much, and Jonah is very sensitive soul. But he also feels that God has given him this gift to help others, and as long as God keeps pushing them his way, Jonah feels the responsibility to at least be there for him.

As I've said, because I am selfish, I often don't have the kind of patience to deal with a lot of the things Jonah has to deal with. Admittedly, sometimes Jonah doesn't either. It wears him out. But he certainly is more patient and willing to help than I feel I am.

When the Spirit prompts Jonah to do something, he tries very hard to do so, and it almost always pays off. Some of the promptings he gets involve a lot of faith. Fortunately, he has that.

He's truly one of the most spiritually in-tune people I know. It amazes me. God has truly blessed him with many gifts, and I am grateful to share my life with him.

A Helpful Approach?

I read this article in the Salt Lake Tribune today:

Ted Fairchild, who is openly gay, has HIV and serves as a part-time LDS missionary in the Bay Area, left the love of his life to return to church activity.

Linda Schweidel wondered why her bright, successful returned-missionary husband still was not ready for children after eight years of marriage. That's when he broke down and told her he was gay.

Diane Oviatt held her sobbing gay son in a darkened kitchen as he poured out years of grief at the secret he had been carrying for 18 years and wondered how he would get to heaven without marrying.

These were among the anguished stories several Mormons shared during emotional church services Oakland LDS Stake held last summer to heal rifts caused by the faith's activism in the Golden State on behalf of traditional marriage.

In June 2008, the LDS First Presidency asked all California Mormons to give their time and money to Proposition 8, a ballot measure striking down gay marriage. Many members did so with gusto, circulating petitions, raising money, sending e-mails to church lists and putting up lawn signs.

That left other Bay Area Mormons, particularly those with gay friends and relatives, feeling embattled and alienated. Some stepped away temporarily from church; others left for good. Those who remained often felt at odds with fellow believers.

Oakland Stake President Dean Criddle, a respected lawyer and gentle leader, sensed the ripples of collective pain and wanted to reunite his flock, says Matt Marostica, bishop of the Berkeley Ward.

So Criddle and his counselors assembled quotes and speeches from LDS general authorities that stressed love and compassion for those with same-sex attraction. They then asked each of the 10 wards in the stake to hold a joint meeting of adult members during church services on either Aug. 30 or Sept. 6 to hand out the quotes and listen to personal stories from area members.

The response in Oviatt's suburban Moraga, Calif., ward was electric, Oviatt says. "Everyone in the audience was weeping. Men came up to my husband, crying, and hugged him, saying, 'We love you and we love your son.' "

A couple of the more ardent ballot supporters apologized to Oviatt for having Prop 8 signs on their lawns, saying, "We never knew."

Several people told Berkeley's bishop, Marostica, how much they appreciated the meetings, including one woman who said, "I am so glad we did this. This is the church I know and love."

Till they have faces » The authorities' statements and church setting provided a comfort level to Mormons who rarely discuss homosexuality openly, except to condemn it as a social trend or satanic tool. By all accounts, though, it was the stories that were transforming.

One man, who outed himself from the pulpit during one of the meetings, talked about a life of being scorned, bullied and accused by other Mormons of bringing on the AIDS pandemic. Still, every week when he takes the sacrament bread and water, God's voice whispers to him: "You belong here."

It's the same voice Fairchild has heard over and over since becoming active in the LDS Church as a 17-year-old in Pullman, Wash., in 1970.

He served a two-year mission in Mexico, earned a degree at Brigham Young University and married a woman because, he says, she was pretty and could play the piano. The couple had two daughters.

But Fairchild always knew he was gay and eventually couldn't continue the lie. He fell for a man.

"It was the only time," Fairchild says, "I have ever been physically, emotionally and spiritually in love."

By 1986, he and his partner were diagnosed with HIV, which at the time was a death sentence. Elder Richard G. Scott -- then an LDS Seventy, now an apostle -- gave Fairchild a blessing in which he asked God to build a protective wall around his cells. In that moment, Fairchild believed he needed to live by Mormon standards. He broke up with his love and returned to the church.

"Once you've experienced the Holy Ghost," he says, "there's no other feeling like it."

More than 20 years later, Fairchild is relatively healthy and at peace with his decision. He believes he was born gay and a child of a loving Heavenly Father, twin qualities that make him a more effective "worker in God's kingdom."

Letting go or holding fast » That doesn't work for Oviatt's son, Ross Oviatt, who has not been back to church.

He attended BYU for a few semesters, she says, but it was a "toxic environment." The Prop 8 fallout -- which continues in California with the ballot measure now before a judge - proved difficult for Ross as he tried to weather homophobic slurs and keep his secret. He misses his Mormon experience and friends, but the association is too painful.

It hasn't been easy for the rest of the family, either.

"We had to re-examine our place in the church," Oviatt says. "We are not leaving, but it's hard to stay in a religion that does not embrace our child. If we had to choose between the two, we'd choose Ross."

Some Mormons in the stake see only one choice: following church edicts.

"I am a faithful Latter-day Saint, happily married with children, striving to live up to my temple covenants, fulfill my calling, be a good father and all the other things which active members of the church try to do," one man wrote to Criddle in between the two joint sessions. "According to your definition of homosexuality, I am also a homosexual. I have had strong attractions to men (and exclusively men) my whole life."

But homosexuality is not his identity, just a temptation he refuses to act on, the writer said. He thought the stake should have included more emphasis on heterosexual marriage as the core of Mormon teachings.

Criddle shared the letter (without identification) in all the wards.

Coming back » In what she calls, the "dark days of Proposition 8," Schweidel took a "leave of absence" from the church.

She didn't know if she could return. But when Criddle and Marostica asked her to tell her story at one of the joint sessions, she readily accepted.

She has been attending and involved ever since.

"The special meeting made me want to be part of a positive change in the church," she says. "I want to talk to people, to explain why I feel like I do, and help them try to understand."

That may work in Berkeley, but how about Bountiful?

Schweidel is hopeful. There are two kinds of Mormons, she says, quoting a friend: those who know gay people and those who don't know they know gay people.

The task, she says, is to move more members from the second to the first category.

"If my mom in Orem had gay neighbors next door, I know she would love them," Schweidel says. "The Mormons I have spoken to make an effort to understand. They totally get it."

I think all stakes and wards and the Church itself would benefit by getting on board with this idea. I think it would help those members dealing with homosexuality in their own lives or in the lives of family members, and I think it would generate and foster a greater understanding and compassion among those who don't know that they already know gay people in the Church.

Hey, Good Lookin'

Today's post is a completely frivolous post just for fun. I thought I'd post a bunch of celebrities (past and present) I find (or found) sexy or attractive. In no particular order, here they are:

1. Greg Evigan


I guess I should start with Greg Evigan since he's the first man I ever remember being attracted to. Although I'm not as attracted to him now as I was then, I can still see why I thought he was cute. This photo is from his days starring in the TV series "B.J. and the Bear," when I first laid eyes on him. That would have been around 1978, and although I didn't fully understand my feelings at the time (I would have only been 7 years old), I knew I found him attractive and interesting. He later went on to star with Paul Reiser on the TV comedy "My Two Dads."

2. River Phoenix


I knew I was gay by the time I saw River Phoenix in the 1986 movie Stand By Me. I would have been 15 then. I thought he was a great actor and incredibly good looking. I loved his film, Running On Empty. I had a major, major crush on him and was somewhat upset. His untimely death in 1993 (while I was serving my mission) was absolutely devastating to me. I weirdly felt as though I had lost a brother even though the real River Phoenix was very likely nothing like the image of him that I had created.

3. Sal Mineo


I remember seeing Rebel Without A Cause in a college acting class when I was 20 and being absolutely smitten by Sal Mineo. I had recently gained my testimony and was preparing to go on a mission, so I was trying to suppress and ignore my homosexual feelings, but I remember just being so in love with his eyes and his smile. I've tried to keep this post G-rated, but there is a really sexy picture of him out there in some movie where he's taking a shower.

4. Johnny Depp


Ah, Johnny Depp! What can I say? The man still looks just as great as he did when I really took notice of him in1990 in Edward Scissorhands. Of course I had seen and admired him on "21 Jump Street," but it was Edward Scissorhands that caused me to fall in love with his talent and not just his face. He remains one of my favorite actors. I admire his daring choices and his conviction to be his own man. I think he's sexy in anything he's in.

5. Orlando Bloom


Johnny's co-star in The Pirates of the Caribbean doesn't have his talent, but he's still nice eye-candy. I first noticed him in the Lord of the Rings trilogy as Legolas the Elf and thought he had such striking features and such a perfect face. I enjoyed him in the Pirates movies as well and I could watch Troy over and over just to watch a very sexy scene he has with actress Diane Kruger. As an actor, he seems like kind of a one-trick-pony to me, but he's fun to look at.

6. Jensen Ackles


7. Matt Cedeno


Jensen Ackles and Matt Cedeno were both on the soap opera "Days of Our Lives" which I used to watch religiously until I finally realized what an incredible waste of my life it was. Jensen is now on a TV show called "Supernatural," which I don't watch. I'm not sure where Matt Cedeno is now. In any case, I loved Matt Cedeno's exotic, Latin look (I actually believe he's of Cuban descent), and Jensen Ackles just had this sexy all-American-boy look, and I thought his lips were to die for.

8. Ian Somerhalder


I think Ian Somerhalder came to my attention in the 2002 movie The Rules of Attraction. I just like his pretty-boy model looks. He later starred in one of my favorite TV shows, "Lost" (the last season premieres tomorrow, y'all! Who's excited? I am!), and he now has a role on a show I haven't seen called "The Vampire Diaries."

9. James Franco


I first took notice of James Franco in the wonderfully written television series "Freaks and Geeks." I think he's a great actor and has a killer smile. I enjoy everything from his independent films to his blockbuster films such as the Spiderman trilogy.

10. Montgomery Clift


When it comes to classic actors, nobody holds a candle to Montgomery Clift as far as brooding sexuality and mysteriousness. He absolutely captivates me no matter what I see him in. Even after his face-scarring car accident in 1956, he was still beautiful to watch. His was a tortured soul, but one full of charm and charisma.

11. Horst Buchholz


Younger audiences may know him from Roberto Begnini's 1997 film Life Is Beautiful as the old German Begnini's character serves in the restaurant, But I was mezmerized by a much younger Buchholz's performance in 1960's The Magnificent Seven. He is so, so handsome!

12. B.J. Novak


For me, B.J. Novak (who plays Ryan on TV's "The Office" is not so much sexy as he is just plain cute. I remember the first time I saw him and just thinking I could eat him up.

13. Apolo Ohno


I'm not much of a sports fan, but speedskater Apolo Ohno is quite a good-looking lad. I don't tend to watch the Olympics at all, so I probably only took notice of him because he was here in Utah in 2002 for the Winter Olympics and the coverage was unavoidable. I just remember thinking he had such a great smile (still does) and I loved his boyish enthusiasm.

14. Taylor Kitsch


Taylor Kitsch is on one of TV's best-written, best-acted, but not very well-know dramatic series, "Friday Night Lights." He exudes sexiness and charm. He plays the bad boy with a heart of gold, and I love watching him.

15. Roddy McDowall


One of my favorite actors growing up, he was in everything from Bedknobs and Broomsticks to the Planet of the Apes movies to The Poseidon Adventure to "Lassie" to "Batman" to "The Carol Burnett Show." The first thing I actually remember seeing him in was a terrible movie (but one of my favorite guilty pleasures) in 1979 called Scavenger Hunt, although I'm sure I must have seen him before then. I loved his British accent and thought he was so handsome and debonair. If I knew Roddy McDowall was in a movie or TV show, I would watch it just to see him.

Anyway, that's my lineup of sexy guys. Hope you enjoyed it.

Good Day At Church

Church was really good today. Very enjoyable.

Sacrament Meeting focused on adversity, and it was good stuff to hear. I haven't faced much adversity in my life compared to some people, and life is generally very positive. I do have financial worries, though, especially in this economy, and I have been feeling anxious about it, and I just felt like the talks today helped ease my anxiety and I feel if I just keep having faith, things will work out for my benefit.

I really enjoyed Sunday School, too. I so wanted to participate in the discussion today, but as an excommunicated member I can only listen. The subject concentrated on wayward children and how parents can deal with it. There were obviously many people there who had children that had made choices that were contrary to what the parents had hoped they would choose, and they obviously loved their children very much and felt pain regarding their children. But I didn't feel a lot of judgment coming from these parents regarding their kids; just a deep love and hope for their happiness.

All I wanted to say, really, was that parents need to respect their kids' free agency even if they make choices they disagree with. After all, isn't that what our Father in Heaven does with us? I also wanted to add that they need to love their kids unconditionally (which was brought up in the lesson) even if sometimes their kids' choices brought them pain and sadness. And I wanted to assure them that God holds these kids in His hands and is watching out for them and loves them. I wanted to say that the parents needn't blame themselves; sometimes kids are going to make the choices they make no matter what their parents have taught them. I wanted to say that in spite of their children wandering, that did not meant they were lost. Some guy in the group brought up the fact that all of us, too, will receive a degree of glory except the sons of perdition, and that should give us comfort. We talked about how no one is perfect. We all have weaknesses and sins, and in the end it is God, and no one else, who will ultimately judge us.

I really found the whole meeting very compossionate and spiritual. I also thought about my own situation. I am grateful for a family who, whether or not they agree with my choices, has shown me a great deal of love and support and has stood by me. I am grateful they see how happy I am and that they let my fate be in God's hands rather than judge me for my actions. I am grateful there is peace in my life.

I went to Priesthood only because it was a combined session with the Relief Society. Some guy spoke about the Church's 12-step program for addicts, which was was interesting, but didn't apply much to my own life.

Anyway, I really enjoyed it and just thought I'd write about it.

Glad To Be Where I Ended Up

My relationship with Jonah is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Sometimes I think about what my life would have been like if other relationships had worked out, and I shudder at the thought. As I've said, my relationship with Jonah is the first and only one I've ever had with another man. Prior to him, I had had three serious relationships with women and then a couple of not-so-serious relationships with women. And don't get me wrong; these women were lovely people, and I've even maintained my friendship with most of them, but I am SO, SO glad I didn't end up with any of them. I wouldn't be as happy with any of them as I am now with Jonah. I am quite certain of that. And that isn't their fault. I just can't see myself being as happy and fulfilled with them as I am with Jonah. Of course, a big part of that is that living squelched in a heterosexual marriage when I am clearly homosexual is a big part of that. I'm not saying it doesn't work for others, but I don't believe it would have worked for me. But another facet is where we all are in our lives right now.

Let's take each woman:

Woman 1: We dated in junior high and high school, so obviously this was my first real relationship. We were both too immature to be in it, looking back. At that time, I didn't have a clue who I was, and I don't think she did, either. I was attracted to boys, but I liked her because she was kind to me at a time when not many people were. She came from a very troubled home life. Her parents were divorced, her mom was a nut who had already been married several times and who had just married a loser we suspected might be abusing my girlfriend's younger stepsister, and my girlfriend confessed to me that she was a cutter. It was all too much for me to handle. I wasn't emotionally mature enough to handle all of her problems, and so I finally broke it off. We still stayed in touch afterwards, even after she went to live with her father, although we gradually lost touch as the years went by. After she moved, she got into a relationship with her much older teacher, and she later changed her name. I have no idea where she is now, but she had a lot of mental issues and emotional baggage that I don't think I would have been able to handle.

Woman 2: My high school sweetheart. I wasn't physically attracted to her, but I loved her personality, and we were the best of friends in high school and during my mission years. I adored her. I would have married her. She knew I was gay, but at the time we believed I could overcome it. We planned on marrying after my mission. However, toward the end of my mission, and without any warning it all, she broke it off and announced she was marrying some guy she had only known for a few weeks. I was absolutely devastated and completely and utterly confused. It took me a long time to get over that loss, and at the the time I thought it was the worst thing that could have happened. I couldn't understand why God would let such a thing happen. In retrospect, I see that God sees things a lot better than I ever could, and it was an absolute blessing that we didn't get married.

Although she didn't know it while we were dating, she suffered from manic-depression and bipolar disorder, and she later confessed to me that when she broke it off with me and jumped into this other relationship, she was having one of her episodes. Her first years of marriage were very rough for both him and her, and they went through counseling. I don't think I would have had the patience her husband had during some of the most trying times.

Eventually, she got the proper medication to help handle her issues, and now she and her husband seem to be in a very good place. She and I took a hiatus from our friendship (at her request) so she could deal with her issues, but we are friends again, and I believe we are both truly happy that the other is happy. But we are in such different places in our lives. I think a marriage with her would have been disastrous.

She is ultra-ultra conservative and has a large family, and it's clear to me that our goals and focuses in life do not mesh well. We're just two very different people than we were in school, and I think we're both very happy with where we are, but I don't think either of us would be had we stayed together.

Woman 3: Our relationship was never serious. I was trying so hard to be straight at that time, and I actually did find her attractive, but she was never as interested in me as I was in her. We had fun, but she found some return missionary and married him. She's very conservative and has a big family with him, and they seem very happy.

Woman 4: The woman who finally helped me get over Woman 2. She was the first girl I dated who was not a member of the LDS Church. We were good friends (still are), but were not very compatible as boyfriend/girlfriend. That was clear to me early on. She also knew I was gay, but we thought we could make it work. But we just had different goals and interests. She also smoked, which I couldn't stand (nothing to do with Mormonism; I was allergic to the smoke).

As it was, our relationship was much better after we broke up, although the breakup was hard. She ended up marrying a mutual friend who I think has been a much, much better match than I ever would have. Of all these women, she still remains my closest friend.

Woman 5: Also not LDS. Our relationship was very casual, and it never really went anywhere. She was terribly insecure (still is), and I don't see that she's grown too much since we parted ways. She is someone who is always unhappy no matter what circumstances life throws at her. An eternal pessimist. I couldn't deal with it.

Any other women I showed interest in never showed any in me. Even so, my heart was lusting after guys anyway.

Jonah was the first guy I was ever interested in who was interested in me. I was scared to let go and enter into a relationship that my whole life I had been told was forbidden; but I'm telling you that once I did, I found the best relationship I have ever had and a freedom to be who I always felt I was, but could never allow myself to be. He makes me so happy. He is so generous, loving, supportive, compassionate, ambitious, trusting, and has such a tender heart. I have never been so loved by anyone (as far as a romantic relationship goes). He is good at so many things and is one of the best human beings I know. I thank my Heavenly Father every day that we are together. I know my Father knows I am happy, and I know he is happy that I am happy.

I believe, too, that Heavenly Father knew I'd end up where I am now and that it would bring me much more happiness and joy than I would have had otherwise. I'm just glad to be where I am. It's all been worth it.

Random Stuff

This post has no particular theme. It's just a collection of various things I felt like writing about.


Random Musing #1
I was at the DMV the other day in a rather slow-moving line. A man in front of me said this was his third time at the DMV and that he had accidentally come on "Martin Luther Day," as he called it, when the DMV was closed. Another man proudly interjected, "You should call it by its real name: Martin Lucifer Day." Before he could get another word out, his adult daughter scolded, "Don't go there, Dad!" He shut up.

Granted, I'm currently living in a rural town that has its share of rednecks, but I still was absolutely shocked by the blatant, unabashed racism that emanated from this individual. He said it with such glee and pride, and I was floored by it. I guess in my naiveté and idealistic approach to life, I like to believe that we are beyond that. It was just a reminder to me that we aren't. And, actually, I wonder which is worse: open racism such as that which this man exhibited or the hidden, but just as potent, racism that lies underneath. People think the things that this man thinks, but don't express it out loud. I think both are bad, but the latter seems even more insidious.

Random Musing #2
An old friend from my mission recently found me on Facebook. I hadn't heard from him in about 16 years, but it was good to reconnect. He actually lives in America now (I went to Belgium and France) and is married and still active in the LDS Church. When I met him, he had just gotten baptized and was still an infant in the gospel and, actually, was struggling quite a bit. By his own admission to me the other night, not many missionaries had faith that he would last as a Mormon, including myself, to be perfectly honest, and he, himself, didn't know if he would be able to hang on to his new found faith. But here we are 16 years later, and he's very active, has three kids, a church calling, and has recently written a book about his conversion. And here I am, excommunicated. Funny how things turn out.

We also talked about his former sister-in-law, who was quite strong in the Church at the time. He told me she was no longer active and had been excommunicated, which for some reason didn't surprise me, although it probably should have.

As he asked about my activity in the Church, I wondered how I should respond. I'm quite open about my sexuality with just about everyone except for the majority of my former ward members and the people from my mission. I am not ashamed of who I am or the choices I've made, but in the case of my former ward, it is also my mom's ward, and coming out also affects her, so I don't want to cause any awkwardness for her. Actually, those people in my former ward who do know haven't treated me any differently, and those who I think would react badly I don't care much about anyway, so I don't think I would have too much of a problem coming out. My main reason is simply for my mom's protection.

As for my mission friends, I have sort of written about this before in this post. I guess part of me just doesn't wish to taint the image people had of me as a missionary, specifically those who converted when I knew them.

In any case, I told him that I had been excommunicated and about my homosexuality and my relationship and that I still attended church, all the while wondering if I should be blabbing all of this right off the bat, but the conversation did lead that way, so I just did.

He admitted he was shocked, but was also very nonjudgmental about it, saying that he felt everyone should have the free-agency to live their lives as they choose, so I was glad for that. Anyway, it's out there now.

Random Musing #3
I just watched Obama's State of the Union address. Even though there a lot of problems in our country, and even though I don't feel that Obama has been perfect at handling all of them, I also feel very strongly that I voted for the right guy when I voted for him. I genuinely like him and I like the direction he wants to lead this country in, even if there are various forces trying to prevent that.

Random Musing #4
This has been a tough year for me financially. Part of it is because I took a job that has actually lost me money, part of it was paying for physical therapy for a knee operation I had, and part of it was buying another (but sorely needed) car. The job market has been less than kind this year, too, as far as acting goes. Last year I did pretty well and made about $26,000 (pretty good for me). I was working fairly regularly, which isn't always the case for a working actor. This year, practically no acting jobs, and I only made about $19,000. Anyway, if I don't get a summer job, I will be seriously hating it.

Through all of this Jonah has been very supportive and generous, and I am really trying to get back to Vegas on a more permanent basis because I miss him and the "kids" terribly. This has been the hardest stretch of separation for me personally.

I've had some auditions recently (good ones, too), so I am optimistic. I guess we'll see what happens.

Random Musing #5
My mom and I were at a Chinese restaurant recently, and one of the men on my disciplinary council (and also a friend) saw us and went out of his way to say hi and ask how I was, and it was good to see him again (my disciplinary council was the last time I saw him). I just felt it was a nice, positive encounter.

Random Musing #6
Jonah indicated he would like to start going to church again, but doesn't want to go alone nor does he want to go to his Pentecostal church. He asked if maybe when I get back to Vegas we can find a church to go to together. I said that was fine, but that I still wanted to attend my Mormon ward, too. He was fine with that. I even said if he wanted to come and attend my ward from time to time, that would be fine, too. He asked if that wouldn't be awkward for me; wouldn't people be put off by it? I said that's their problem, not mine. After all, what would I have to lose? So they'd know I was gay and in a relationship. Big deal. I am who I am, I'm already excommunicated, and if people in my ward have a problem with any of it, that's on them, not me.

Random Musing #7
There are many terrible things going on in the world. There are many serious things going on in the world. I try not to let any of it get me down. I'm generally a very optimistic person, but this year has been harder for some reason. I still feel I'm pretty good at maintaining a cheery disposition and am doing my best to keep the faith.

It's the little, insignificant things that sometimes brighten my day. That's why I'm looking so forward to the season premiere of one of my favorite TV shows: "Lost." I think it's such a well-written, interesting show with great stories and character-development. This is its last season, and I am eager to see how it all plays out. I can honestly say, too, that no matter how it ends, I have thoroughly enjoyed the journey.

Random Musing 8

I ran into a friend recently at an audition. He and his partner have been together for about 4 or 5 years. When I asked how his partner was doing, he sort of hemmed and hawed and acted a bit awkward about it, giving me the sense that they had broken up, but I didn't press him about it since it really wasn't my business.

Anyway, I went on Facebook to see if there was any indication that they had, indeed, broken up, and sure enough they had. This did not particularly surprise me as the second partner has a difficult personality, in my opinion. What did surprise me was that the first partner was in an open relationship with a woman. Now, I hold no judgment if my friend has decided to be with a woman just as I would want people to respect my choice to be with Jonah. I just found it odd, that's all.

I've also never really understood the draw of an open relationship. Being a "one-on-one," monogamous guy, I just don't see what joy there is in that kind of relationship. But to each his own, I guess.

Jonah has indicated before that he fears I might one day leave him for a woman, I think more because of my attachment to the LDS Church than for my attraction towards woman. I told him he has nothing to worry about. This is the best, most fulfilling relationship I've ever been in, and I'm very happy with Jonah.

Those are my random thoughts for now.

"It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year"

Well, you’re probably all wondering where I’ve been. Let’s just say I’ve been a little lazy... and also a little busy. I had a fabulous Christmas with Jonah. It was so nice to spend three weeks with him after such a long absence. We had a really great time, and now that I’m back in Utah I really miss him; not that I didn’t miss him before, but being with him really made me realize how tired I am of being apart. I really hope when this teaching job ends that I will be able to find some way to work in Vegas and be with my husband.

I also miss our cats a lot. We, of course, have the two cats we’d had since we met, and as I wrote about previously read just adopted a new kitty. The oldest of our cats, even though she was originally Jonas’, has really taken a liking to me. She adores me and will often sleep right next to me at night, never moving at all. I’ve really grown fond of her.

Our brand new kitty is adorable. I just love his enthusiasm and his curiosity and his innocence. He can be a little hyper at times, and he loves to bite and claw (not in a malicious way, but in a very playful way; although he doesn’t realize that it’s sometimes hurts), but isn’t that what a child does? He’s so cute, and I love him.

Our third cat, the daughter of the first cat, is suffering from middle-child syndrome, I think. When Jonah moved into our house, I wasn’t yet there; our oldest cat had gotten lost; the third kitty didn't yet exist; so the third cat had Jonah all to herself, and I think she liked it that way. Once I moved in and once we found the lost cat, I think our third cat grew resentful. Now with this new kitty, she seems very annoyed especially since the new kitty keeps trying to play with her and she doesn’t want to. In fact, wherever the new kitty is, our middle-child cat is not. She craves attention, but unfortunately she doesn’t do much to ingratiate herself with the rest of us. I feel sorry for her. She seems so sad and grumpy.

But being away from Jonah and the cats has been hard this time around. I also feel especially that I’m missing our youngest kitty’s childhood. I can't imagine how I would feel if we actually had children. Anyway, it’s been hard, and usually I am the one that does well with separation. I guess I’m just sick of it. Oh, well. What can you do?

One of the best Christmas presents I got this year was the chance to see Andy Williams, the singer, live in concert for his Christmas show. If you don’t know who Andy Williams is, you can’t be my friend anymore. Just kidding. Andy Williams is one of my very favorite singers. He’s from the old school of singers like Frank Sinatra, Tony Bennett, Jack Jones, Sammy Davis Jr., Steve Lawrence, etc. He’s also very famous for his Christmas specials in the sixties and for introducing the world to the Osmond brothers. One of his most famous songs is “Moon River.”

I actually couldn’t afford to see him. Tickets were almost $60.00, and it really wasn’t in my budget especially since I have a job that has actually been losing me money. At the same time, the man is in his eighties, and who knows if this will be the last time I’ll ever get to see him perform? But I really didn’t feel like I could afford it, so I decided not to buy the tickets. I had posted on my Facebook status that I was sad I would not be able to see him perform. Two of my friends saw my status and without any prompting from me offered to split the cost of the tickets as a Christmas present to me.

It truly was one of the best Christmas presents I’ve ever received. Actually seeing Andy Williams perform was a dream come true, and I’m not ashamed to admit that I actually started crying when he started singing. For his age he still sings remarkably well. His vibrato has increased and he scoops some of his notes now, but I thought he was terrific. He put on a very entertaining show. Jonah also bought me a signed copy of his autobiography.

I bought Jonah a Wizard of Oz Pez dispenser set and a garden statue, and he bought me some jeans, the book, and a DVD set of the most recent season of the television show “24.” In addition, Jonah also bought each of us a new laptop computer. He got a great deal on them. I was so pleased that Jonah loved his presents so much.

New Year’s Eve, of course, was our anniversary, and we ate our recently thawed wedding cake for good luck. Surprisingly, it tasted just as good as it did on our wedding day. Well, the frosting was a little crunchy, but the cake itself was delicious!

Now I’m back in the college town where I teach. I have two acting classes and a musical theater history class, and I teach every day now. I’ve also been given a raise, which will least help me break even instead of losing money. Because I taught both courses last semester I feel a lot more comfortable about what I’m doing this semester. I’m much more relaxed as a teacher and feel like I know what direction I’m going in. I also have smaller classes, which makes teaching easier, and I also feel like this batch of students is more enthusiastic and engaged in what we’re doing.

This job ends in April, and currently I have nothing else lined up although there are some possible prospects. If I don’t get a summer job I will really be hurting financially. Buying a new car and having my knee operated on took a toll on my finances especially since my current job has been draining my bank account rather than adding to it. But I do not regret my decision to teach here. I really think I was meant to be here at this time.

I miss acting a lot and I hope to be doing it again soon. Even though I feel like I’m a good teacher, I do not have the same passion for it as I do acting.

Anyway, that’s what’s up with me. Just wanted you all to know that I’m still alive and kicking.

Apologies for any grammatical or spelling errors. I wrote almost all of this post using voice-recognition software, and depending on how well I enunciated, the computer may have typed some incorrect words. I didn't spell-check, either. Ah, the epitome of laziness!

New Adoption

The other day when I was visiting Jonah in Vegas, he said he had a surprise for me but that I might not like it. Later that night he came home and told me to come outside. He was in his truck and sheepishly looked at me, pulled out two kittens, and said, "I couldn't let them go to the pound."

Admittedly, the kittens were very cute. And I am an animal lover. I love animals very much, and they seem to have quite an affinity for me as well. However, we already have two cats, and they are responsibility enough, in my opinion. So I wasn't terribly pleased, especially since Jonah hadn't at least discussed it with me (although, in retrospect, he had tossed some hints about.

The kittens had come from a litter from Jonah's mom's cat. He has tried to get his mom to get that cat fixed, but she hasn't. I think it's irresponsible to not spay and neuter one's cats. It just leaves a lot of orphaned cats that can't be taken care of.

Jonah looked so concerned about the future of these two kitties. However, four cats is just too much for me. One of the kittens was almost all black with some white and a little Charlie Chaplin-esque or Adolph Hitler-esque mustache. He was very cute. The other cat was gray or brownish, as I recall. Also cute. Although I did not necessarily want another cat, the black one was quite unique, and there is also the fact that the two cats Jonah has were his originally, before we married (although one of those cats adores me; the other one pretty much views anybody but Jonah as an unwelcome intruder). Anyway, I told Jonah I was not comfortable adopting two new kitties, but that I would compromise by allowing us to keep one, provided that I could name it.

I jokingly said we should name it "Hitler," not by any desire to offend, but simply because my dark sense of humor likes the juxtaposition of a cute, harmless kitty-cat with the name of one of the most evil dictators in human history. However, my sense of decency wouldn't allow me to actually do so, even if Jonah would go along with it (which I know he wouldn't), so I named him Chaplin instead.

We think he's a boy, and as far as we can tell, he has the parts that would indicate that he is (although they're very small, so we are not sure). If he turns out to be a girl, we will still call him Chaplin, and he'll just have to suffer through life with an identity crisis.

I admit it, he's adorable. He's a little ball of energy and very hyper and likes to jump around. I am amused at his innocence and curiosity. He loves to bite (not in a malicious way, but in a very pure manner. While I did not necessarily want him initially, it's fun to have him around.

The other two cats have been wary of him, but both are slowly becoming acclimated to him, and I'm sure they will enjoy him in time.

Anyway, here's Chaplin! (He would not hold still very well to get a really focused picture; my apologies).

"Song of the Heart" and The Welcome Wagon

I just got back from church. The meetings weren't too bad: testimony meeting, which I generally like and Sunday School, which I enjoy mainly because I think the lady who teaches it is a good teacher. I don't typically attend Priesthood.

The ward choir sang some prelude music, and as is my experience with most ward choirs, they were kind of lackluster. They were singing so tentatively that I was truly tempted to yell, "Sing out, Louise!" which surely would have outed me to everyone there. (If you don't get the reference, look it up.)

Singer Gladys Knight, who converted to Mormonism a few years ago told President Gordon B. Hinckley, more or less, that we could use some more soul and pep in our worship music. I completely agree. Music is such an important part of Mormon worship services, and I think we should be using music to celebrate the joy we have in being members of the Church and in expressing the love and adoration we have for our Heavenly Father; and yet, what happens so often is that it comes out sounding very stiff and repressed and joyless. One quote attributed to a choral group Gladys Knight has helped create is, "[I]t is the fulfillment of Sister Knight's desire to bring a new level of passion and cultural awareness to the traditionally reserved LDS hymns."

I've been to several different churches in my life, and musically Mormons often to be the most reserved and straight-laced. I think it's unfortunate. Music is such an important tool to invite the Spirit of the Lord, and I know I have felt it in other religions. That isn't to say I haven't felt it in LDS meetings, because I certainly have. But I do think we could work on bringing a bit more "pep" (and maybe even more variety) into our worship music. I'm not asking for electric guitars or timpani; just a little more joyfulness.

One thing I've noticed in my current ward is that the bishop has never shaken my hand or asked me who I am, although he has had many opportunities to do so. Granted, I could introduce myself to him. I mean, I'm not complaining or anything. Frankly, I don't really care to draw too much attention to myself or have to explain about my excommunication or my husband. I just think it's odd that he specifically shakes the hands and welcomes those he already knows, but ignores me even though I'm sitting right next to them. Like I said, I don't mind. I'm not bothered or offended by it or anything. I just find it strange, especially since we're in a small town where everybody seems to know everybody, and yet he doesn't seem inquisitive enough to ask about a stranger in his ward. It's just odd to me.

I also found it a little strange that he invited the newly baptized eight-year-olds to come join the bishopric on the stand, but did not invite two newly baptized convert children who couldn't have been more than eleven. I don't think they cared either way; they looked pretty happy. I just thought it was strange.

He seems to be a very well liked bishop among his congregation. Many, many people have said very kind things about him. I just find his actions a little odd at times. I felt so too when my first introduction to him was when he gave a talk and stressed three things: that we (the members) must have family dinner together every night, we must shun pornography, and that the economy was never, ever going to get better so we'd better get used to tough times ahead. It wasn't that any of the topics were weird in and of themselves; it was just the way he strung them together and his conviction that we were forever economically doomed that made me find him odd. I can't really explain it. He's a likeable guy; he's just odd to me.

Even more odd was the lady in Sacrament Meeting today who said she used to pray that God would have mercy on Satan because he was, after all, God's son and in need of mercy (not necessarily an unchristian sentiment, but still an odd thing to say in a testimony, I thought). She did also add that she doesn't do that anymore since she's realized that the consequences of some choices are irreversible. She said something else I found really odd, but unfortunately I have forgotten what it was (although if I do remember I'll update this entry).

I did feel myself tense up in Sunday School when the topic turned to the destruction of the family. I was sure homosexuality was going to come up, although it never did (although abortion and STDs were mentioned). I did find it interesting that many of the positive values they were talking about regarding the family unit (such as mutual love, commitment, nuturing, based in Christ, etc.) were just as applicable for a gay couple as they are for a straight one. The only one they talked about that wasn't is the ability to bear children (although I know some gay people are capable of raising and nurturing a child equally as well, and in come cases, better).

Anyway, that was church.

My View

I am not a regular watcher of "The View." Jonah watches it, however, and because he watches it, I have watched it on occasion, especially since it's one of the things that's on as I'm getting ready to go to work. My main reason for not watching "The View" is that I often feel like it's just a bunch of woman gossiping about stuff; at least that's how it comes across. But once in a while it's interesting to hear their discussions during the "Hot Topics," especially if the subjects are political in nature (although Elizabeth Hasselbeck's opinions generally make me want to put my head in a vice, and Sherri Shepherd often comes across (to me at least) as not the brightest bulb in the universe). Joy is just loud, and Barbara is pretentious. Whoopi Goldberg is the only one that even remotely shares my wavelength.

Anyway, it happened to be on Friday as I was preparing my lunch for the day, and a subject came up that I found interesting. Actress Meredith Baxter recently came out, and actor Rupert Everett had commented that when he came out, it ruined his career.

Joy made the comment that in America there is this mentality where audiences cannot watch an actor who they know to be gay in a romantic leading role. If they see him in a role that Brad Pitt or George Clooney might play where he's kissing and love-making with an actress, according to Joy the audience will subconsciously not buy what he's doing because they know he's gay. Sherri added that when she watches a male actor in such a role, she needs to believe that he would be romantic with her.

Whoopi disagreed, saying that if you've got really good actors, they should be capable of making you believe whatever they need you to believe, regardless of sexuality.

I'm with Whoopi on this. As an actor myself (and whom most people, I think, would regard as "straight-acting"), I've played many, many heterosexual roles (most of my roles have been) as well as acted with many gay people who can pull of heterosexual roles very well. True, I know some gay people that just can't pull off straight, but many of us can be seen in straight roles with no problem. So why is it when people suddenly know a person is gay that it makes a difference? Nobody has a problem with straight actors playing gay roles (in fact, they're often lauded for it as if acting gay is the ultimate acting challenge for a straight person (believe me, acting straight is no challenge for me (probably because I had years of practice ;-) ))).

And there are examples of gay actors doing just fine. Neil Patrick Harris plays a womanizer on "How I Met Your Mother," and does it well. I never thought of Ian McKellan's Gandalf as "the gay wizard" in Lord of the Rings. Portia de Rossi plays a "ball-busting" heterosexual woman on "Better Off Ted" with no problem. Dan Butler played a very convincing chauvinistic, macho sports-talk radio host for years on "Frasier." Richard Chamberlain, Tab Hunter, and Rock Hudson played romantic leads very well (granted, they did so before it was known they were gay, but what difference should that make?). Cherry Jones played a heterosexual president on "24." I never watched "Star Trek" or "M*A*S*H," respectively, thinking, "I'll bet Sulu and Major Winchester are gay." Never crossed my mind. Yet the actors who played them are. Oh, and I guarantee you, people, there are plenty of actors still in the closet doing an excellent job of convincing the paying audience that they are as straight as an arrow.

So I just think it's just B.S. that audiences can't accept a gay person playing a straight person. That's just my View.

Part of the Family

I took my mom to see A Christmas Story, a theatrical adaptation of the movie. It was good. We quite enjoyed it (it was certainly better than Michael McLean's The Forgotten Carols, which I've written about below).

Anyway, while I was home, I was looking at some of our family photos in the living room and commented that my niece had grown quite a bit since the photo had been taken. Mom agreed, and asked me if she noticed the new pictures she had put on the wall. It was three photos in one frame of Jonah and me at the zoo and at a nature preserve in Las Vegas (two outings we had taken with my mom).

I have really been happy about how welcoming my family has been to Jonah. He is treated just like any other spouse, and it has really brought me much joy (and I'm sure Jonah feels the same way). My family really goes out of their way to include Jonah in our family activities, and I really am grateful that. I know many gay people (including Jonah) who are not as fortunate in that respect. I know every family is different, and I also know of families who not only don't include their child's significant other, but also practically disown the child as well. I am thankful for a family that treats my husband as they would any other family member. It makes me so very happy.

I remember more than a year ago, I had written a post that said, in part:

"Recently my mom put a photo of my sister and her fiance on our piano in the living room. That's where many of the family photos go. There are several photos of my older brother and his family and ones of my older sister and her family. And now there is one of my youngest sister and her soon-to-be husband. But there are none of me and Jonah. My mom loves Jonah a lot and she also loves me a lot, and I don't expect her to put a photo of us on the piano because I know it would be awkward for her to explain to visitors about us, and I don't want to put her in that position. But it still makes me sad."

I'm glad we're past that stage, and that there is now a photo of me and my husband in the living room with the rest of the family photos. And the photos are still unobtrusive enough that I don't think they will put my mom in an awkward position should anyone ask about them.

Anyway, it just made me glad.

The Forgotten Carols? Forget It.

As with most topic in this blog, I am only stating my opinion here:

So the other night I saw a production of Michael McLean's The Forgotten Carols directed by my friend. Those of you unfamiliar with The Forgotten Carols, it has become a holiday tradition among many Mormons. Michael McLean, who I have alluded to before without actually mentioning his name, is a Mormon composer famous for his inspirational and uplifting music. I feel the way about his music as I do many Mormon pop artists (defined as contemporary Mormon composers who write music specifically for a Mormon audience): I find a lot of his stuff cheesy and kind of sappy. That isn't to say I haven't been inspired or moved by some of his songs. I remember being very touched at a difficult point in my life by one of his famous songs, "You're Not Alone." Even in The Forgotten Carols itself, I quite like the song "Joseph (I Was Not His Father, He Was Mine." And although I mostly find his tunes a bit treacly, I think he's a relatively talented composer of overly sentimental songs.

What I think he absolutely sucks at is playwriting, and this production of The Forgotten Carols only reaffirmed that. I have seen The Forgotten Carols. In fact, the version I saw starred Michael McLean himself. The version I saw was done more as a reading, with McLean telling the story of Constance, a nurse with a stick so far up her butt that she needs an angel of sorts named John to help her open her heart to the true spirit of Christmas. McLean sang all of the songs himself (yikes! Composer, yes. Good singer, no!) with a choir backing him up. I thought the show was so-so, but at least thought it sort of worked in a kind of "bedtime story" format.

This production I saw was a full-scale, dramatized production with individual actors playing the various characters in the story. The script has also suffered some "improvements," and is somewhat different from the version I saw. What is blatantly obvious to me is that McLean's dialogue, plot development, and character development are very weak. There are scenes that are completely unnecessary. Instead of moving the plot along, they leave you asking, "What the...?" There is a backstory for Constance that is poorly developed and, frankly, of little aid in helping us understand why she is the way she is even though that is its exact intended purpose. When her character does finally have a change of heart, it happens on a dime and seems to have nothing powerful enough behind it to warrant it. Most of the dialogue is very wooden.

I get why people like the show. It's got some moving music and it's got a positive, family-friendly message. I just think it's terribly written and poorly developed.

My director friend agrees whole-heartedly with my assessment of the show, and in fact, knew what my criticisms of the show would be before I even told him. Like he says, "it is what it is." Why is he directing it, you ask? Well, he knows (as do I) that it will be a sure-fire hit in this very conservative, Mormon town in which we live. And I guess that's what annoys me the most; that audiences so often would rather see mediocre, feel-good entertainment even if its badly written than they would thought-provoking, well-written material that offends their sensibilities. Furthermore, they will give that same poorly-written material standing ovations and cheers as if it's the greatest theatre they've ever seen.

I wrote about this before when I saw a production of Michael McLean's show The Ark, which frankly, makes The Forgotten Carols look like Hamlet. I'm far more offended by mediocre (or less-than-mediocre) theatre than I am by nudity or profanity in a well-written, thought-provoking piece. I'd rather see some edgy independent film than a mainstream Adam Sandler movie. I'd rather see some experimental musical by Stephen Sondheim that the general populous doesn't get than some overrated show about cats or trains by Andrew Lloyd Webber.

I guess another thing that bothers me is that I've met Michael McLean. I have nothing against him, but he does come across as having a bit of an ego. He regards his work in a much higher esteem than I do, and he probably can justly feel that way because the Mormon masses have taken to it so readily. I'm sure in his mind because his music and shows have touched, moved, and inspired people, that must mean they're well-written and beautifully constructed; but I say just because something makes you feel good, that doesn't make it a masterpiece. Mamma Mia! makes me feel happy and gay (pun intended) when I leave the theater, but I'll be the first to admit it isn't Shakespeare or Shaw or Chekhov or Sondheim. There are plenty of feel-good movies out there that you may leave feeling moved, but you realize it did so with artificiality and manipulation rather than through a well-constructed storyline or characters.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying there isn't a place in the world for feel-good entertainment. I love Mamma Mia! for example. I like the movie Deep Impact, but I won't tell you it's a great movie. The movie "Scavenger Hunt" always makes me laugh, but it is a terrible movie. I understand why silly melodramas or overly sentimental shows are appealing to people. What I tire of is the accolades some works receive without really being deserving of them, and what's even worse is when those works are presented in a shoddy manner. Mamma Mia! and Deep Impact are certainly a lot better constructed than The Forgotten Carols, but I wouldn't dream of awarding either a Tony or an Oscar, respectively. I teach musical theatre, and while I enjoyed Mamma Mia!, it is a mere blip in musical theatre history as far as I'm concerned and is barely worth mentioning. The Forgotten Carols isn't even in the same league. The songs are salvageable, but the script needs major help.

I don't know why I'm on such a tirade about this. It really isn't that important, and now that I've written my thoughts, I wonder if it's even worth posting. I just hate bad theatre! Oh, well. Here it is, for what it's worth. Enjoy.

Fortune Cookies

Whenever I'm in town, my mom and I have this Chinese restaurant we really like to go to. At the end of the meal they give us fortune cookies, which is an enjoyable part of the whole "eating-out-at-a-Chinese-restaurant" process.

Yesterday, I got two fortunes in the same cookie. The first said, "You will soon witness a miracle." The second one said, "You will spend many years in comfort and material wealth." That's probably the aforementioned "miracle." ;-)

Today we went to the same restaurant because we like it so much. My fortune today said, "You will take a chance in the near future and win." Maybe that's how I get the miracle of material wealth and comfort. :-)

Truthfully, I don't put much stock in fortune cookies, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I wouldn't mind if these particular fortunes came true. ;-)