Home With Jonah

I closed my show almost a week ago and headed back home to be with Jonah. It's been great. It's sad; it's been three years since Jonah and I had our commitment ceremony, and we've spent more time apart than together because of our jobs. I'm unemployed again until April, and this stretch (three months) will be the longest consecutive amount of time that Jonah and I will be together. Never have I been more delighted to be unemployed. I have missed my boy so, so much, and it is so great that we will have this time together.

I actually drove home on Christmas Day (I spent Christmas Eve with my family in Utah), and it was a beautiful day. I left early because Jonah had to work on Christmas night (bogus!), and I wanted to at least spend some of Christmas Day with him. I was also really excited to give him my gifts to him. I gave him sheet music for a song he wanted that a friend of mine transcribed (because the song is not available in print); a doll he asked for (Jonah collects dolls, and I think he was really surprised that I had remembered that he wanted this one; and the biggest surprise gift: a hanging trio of Mickey Mouse frames with pictures from our trip to Disneyland (two of which were taken by a photographer at Disneyland, and which Jonah had no idea I had purchased). He seemed very surprised and pleased. It took me forever to find just the right frames for the photos, and there is such joy in our faces in the photos. It was such a perfect gift.

Jonah, who has a bigger budget than I do, got me a book by Stephen Sondheim that I had begged Jonah to get me, a Darth Vader t-shirt, and the biggest surprise of all, an iPod Touch, which I had wanted but couldn't afford. It was a nice Christmas.

One of my favorite parts of being away from Jonah for so long is the "reunited" sex. It's always the best, and almost makes being away from each other worth it. Almost. There are few things better than being reunited with the one you love after along absence.

Jonah and I will be together for our third anniversary. Not sure what we're doing, but I'm glad we're together.

Being here has been good in other ways, too. My mom's dementia is getting worse (although she does not seem to recognize it), and I seem to be the child she increasingly depends upon and it can be stressful at times. I love my mom so much and worry a lot about her. Maybe too much (although I told her that I worry about her as sufficiently as a son ought to worry about his mother). Anyway, my siblings are taking on more responsibility. They've always been great, but Mom tends to rely on me more because I'm more easily accessible. I don't mind that, and perhaps it's my own doing that causes her to do that. But it can be stressful at times, and it's nice to have a bit of a break (although I miss her terribly, and I know she misses me). Perhaps I'll post about this at a later time.

Jonah did the nicest thing. He was shopping at Michael's Crafts, and a customer was being kind of impatient and verbally abusive to an aged cashier. The cashier was obviously flustered by the interaction, and Jonah took the time to tell her that he had always thought the cashier had done a good job when he had shopped there and to not let the customer's behavior get to her. The cashier said she tried to do a good job and said that at her age she should be retired by now, but that she needed this job to support herself and her family. Anyway, Jonah got to know her a bit better, and Jonah was so kind to her (as Jonah is apt to be), and she ended up asking Jonah if she could hug him, which he was perfectly glad to do.

Anyway, at this time in the holiday season when retailers have such a challenging job, Jonah felt inspired to bring the staff at Michael's some muffin/bundt cakes, but also felt very compelled to give the aged cashier a $50 gift card to Fresh and Easy (a local grocery store) and $25 cash and asked me if he could take some money out of our savings to do it. Jonah's gut feelings are usually 99% accurate, and so I have learned to trust them. I told him he should do it, and so he did and gave the muffins and gift card and cash on our behalf.

The staff was so grateful, and the woman even more so. We saw her just yesterday, and she said it had really made a difference, not just to her but to her family. She hugged both of us and told us we were good people.

I tell you this not to be recognized for doing a good deed (and really, it was Jonah's good deed more than mine), but because I admire Jonah so much because he really is such a generous soul and is so receptive to the needs of others (even when he doesn't want to be). I admire that a lot. I can be very selfish myself, and Jonah makes me want to be a more giving and better person.

Just as this customer was tearing the cashier down with her words, I feel Jonah was trying to lift her up with his words and actions. And isn't that what we should be doing with everyone we interact with in our lives? I'm not saying we need to give everybody a gift card and some cash. I'm just saying that we can either build people up with our words or actions or we can tear them down. A smile or kind word can do good whereas a sarcastic or hurtful comment can do bad. And we never know the effect our words and deeds will have on someone or on the people whose lives they touch.

I just want to be a better person. I want to be more kind, more loving, more charitable, more centered on others' needs, and Jonah inspires me to do that. Jonah has taught me so much about love and sensitivity, and I really appreciate that.

I'm so glad we're together.

Ugh! (Or The Friend Who's Going Away For A Long Time)

I wrote recently about a friend of mine who was charged with aggravated sexual assault for sleeping with one of his 17 year-old students when he was a drama teacher. When I last wrote, he hadn't been sentenced yet. Now he has.

The judge sentenced him to up to 15 years in prison. It breaks my heart. I feel sad for him, for the student he had sex with, for her family, for his family, for his kids, for the people he has let down. The whole thing just sucks.

I am not angry at my friend or even disappointed in him. I'm just sad that he now finds himself in this position. I do not know the full circumstances of his relationship with the student. I am under the impression it was consensual. That doesn't make it right, nor do I feel the 17 year-old had the maturity necessary to enter into a sexual relationship with my friend, nor do I dismiss the fact that my friend should have known better and that being both a 31 year-old man and the girl's teacher should have clued him into the fact that this was not only a recipe for disaster, but that the legal repercussions would be very serious. And indeed they are.

Now my friend loses up to 15 years of his life in a penal institution. He loses 15 years with his kids. He loses his career. He tarnishes his reputation. And think of the lives he has negatively altered. I understand the girl, who once was so active in theatre, has completely dropped out of it, partly because some of my friend's former students somehow blame her instead of my friend because he was a popular teacher. The girl's relationship with her parents seems to be tenuous, at best, right now, she;s likely in counseling, and my friend's actions are largely to blame for that. And I'm sure my friend's actions have had a major effect on her. And what about the influence this has had on his former students? It's all just so sad and was so unnecessary.

I do think the sentence was a bit harsh, but that may also be because I know my friend as a person. But I also understand why the judge meted out such a long sentence. My friend had previously been warned by his superiors that he seemed a little too chummy with another female student and that it looked bad (that relationship was non-sexual). My friend promised to set better boundaries, and at the same time he was carrying on this affair with this other student. He had sex with her at least 10 to 15 times, once on school property. He manipulated a vulnerable teenager with his own needy behavior. He was in a position of authority over her. He should have known better.

Choices have consequences, and I guess these are the consequences my friend has to live with. I guess another thing that makes me sad is that people are calling my friend a "monster" or that he should "rot in jail for the rest of his life." What my friend did was undoubtedly wrong, but I just know him as my friend. Needy, immature, selfish, made a really stupid and thoughtless mistake, but he's not a monster. I don't see him as a predator. I just see him as an emotionally immature and depressed guy who left his better judgment behind. I certainly don't think spending the rest of his life behind bars is what is best for him or society. The girl's parents probably do and justifiably so, but I don't.

I do think my friend needs to pay for his selfish behavior. I hope he uses his time in prison to better himself, and I hope he truly realizes the consequences of his actions, not just to himself, but to those whose lives he's altered.

I saw a photo of my friend on the Utah Department of Corrections' website. My friend has such a sadness and weariness in his eyes. I'm sure this is never where he thought he'd end up. I certainly didn't.

I wrote my friend a letter offering my support and love. I know this will be a very challenging time for him. I hope he comes through this okay.

So sad.

I Love The Musical Annie, And I Don't Care Who Knows It!

Yes, that's right; I love the musical Annie. Cynics may find the show sappy and overly-sentimental, but I love it.

If you are not familiar with Annie, it is the story of an optimistic orphan searching for the parents who left her at a New York City orphanage when she was a baby. After living under the thumb of the wicked woman, Miss Hannigan, who runs the orphanage, Annie eventually gets the opportunity to stay for two weeks at the home of billionaire Oliver Warbucks, but he is so taken with her, he decides to adopt her permanently. What Annie wants most, however, is to find her parents, and so Warbucks does his best to do so. If you don't know the story, I won't spoil it here for you, but I may spoil some key plot points later in this post, so be forewarned.

There is a very special place in my heart for the musical Annie. I grew up with the show, and it is directly responsible for two of the most important decisions I have made in my life.

When I was ten, I saw the third national tour of Annie at the Capitol Theatre in Salt Lake City. It made a huge impression on me. I loved it, and I remember thinking as I watched it, wide-eyed and enthralled, "I want to do what those people are doing."

The previous year I had co-starred in a third grade production of a moral tale based very loosely on The Music Man, and I had enjoyed it very much and was starting to take a real interest in acting. My mom and grandma often took me to plays and musicals. I remember attending the Young People's Theatre series at Pioneer Memorial at the University of Utah and seeing such shows as Winnie the Pooh. I think my family had season tickets to the Promised Valley Playhouse, and I remember seeing Mister Roberts, Kiss Me, Kate, and You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown, among others. I think Annie, though, was the show that cemented in my mind what I wanted to do for a living, if it was at all possible. My ten year-old brain and soul just knew that's what I wanted to do, and according to my Mom, I never deviated from that path once I had made my mind up (probably because there were a bunch of kids on stage, and I thought, if they can do it, why not me?).

My dad had quite a collection of Broadway albums such as Guys and Dolls, South Pacific, Carousel, and Damn Yankees. We also had an eight-track tape of the movie version of Cabaret that I listened to so much that somebody in my family (probably my brother) finally hid it to give everyone's ears a rest. I also think if my parents had understood what some of the songs were about, they probably wouldn't have let me listened to it at all, and I, myself, was quite shocked to understand the true meaning of these songs from my childhood when I finally saw Cabaret when I was in college. But an album I listened to a lot was Annie, which I assume we got after we saw the touring production (but maybe we got it before because the Broadway production had come out three and a half years earlier). I think it was my sister's album.

With all the enjoyment I got out of listening to Annie, I should have known I was gay right then and there, but of course, I didn't even know what "gay" was yet. I loved the Overture to Annie, starting with the two horns playing a snatch of "Tomorrow" and then going into the rousing "It's a Hard-Knock Life," which is still one of my favorite songs, and then moving on to "Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile" and "We'd Like to Thank You, Herbert Hoover" and then finishing with the anthem of the show, "Tomorrow." I still am whisked away to my childhood whenever I hear that overture, and the actual song "Tomorrow" still brings a tear to my eye, not only because of it's message, but because it reminds me of the lost innocence of childhood.



The album then continues with "Maybe," sung by the only person who will truly ever be Annie to me, Andrea McArdle. I think "Maybe" is such a sweet song; the plaintive plea of an innocent girl pinning her hopes on being reunited with her parents.



The next song is "It's a Hard-Knock Life," sung very exuberantly by a gaggle of girls. I've always loved the tune, and it was one I listened to over and over, even though I couldn't make out all of the lyrics.

Then there's the beautiful "Tomorrow." Yes, I know it's over-sung and overdone. It may come across as trite and treacly, but I love it. I love the idea that this girl is in the worst situation she can be in: an orphan abandoned by her parents, living an unfair life under the thumb of an abusive and tyrannical caretaker, in the worst of times, the Depression, on the street in the middle of winter with no coat next to a stray dog singing about how you gotta keep your chin up because as long as you hang on to hope and know that even though today is "gray and lonely," there's the sure knowledge that "the sun'll come up tomorrow," and that tomorrow is "only a day away."



I love her optimism. I consider myself an optimist. Especially in our current economy and current political climate, it would be really easy to get cynical and down-hearted, but I'm with Annie on this: "you gotta hang on 'til tomorrow" because things will get better. I believe that.

And then came my favorite song on the album (which is still my favorite, I think, simply because I've always loved the tune): "We'd Like to Thank You, Herbert Hoover." I listened to that one over and over, and I remember when I saw the 1982 movie version of Annie, being absolutely livid that they had cut that song out and replaced it with an absolute "dog" of a song (pun intended): "Dumb Dog."

In fact, while I'm there, I have to say that I pretty much hate the movie Annie as much as I love the original stage version.



I'm sure some of you who are younger than me and grew up with the movie version rather than the stage version will disagree, but I think the movie is the poor bastard cousin of the original, and this is unfortunate because it has so much that should have made it good. I love the casting: Carol Burnett, Tim Curry, Bernadette Peters, Albert Finney, Anne Reinking, Edward Hermann. Legendary director (although one who had never directed a musical): John Huston. Great source material to work with: the original Broadway production won seven Tonys, including best musical, best book, best score, and best choreography, and justifiably so. The score is one of my favorites and the book is very well-written (and you really can't say that about all musicals). But the movie just takes a good thing and ruins it, in my opinion.

My thought has always been, "Why would you take something that was so successful and wasn't broken and try to "fix" it with a lot of unnecessary crap?" First off, some great songs are replaced by far more inferior ones. Instead of "NYC", you get "Let's Go to the Movies." Instead of "We'd Like to Thank You, Herbert Hoover," you get the atrocious "Dumb Dog" and "Sandy." Instead of "You Won't Be An Orphan for Long," you get the insipid "We Got Annie." The unnecessary "Sign" takes the place of one of the "Easy Street"s. "Annie" is replaced by another version of the stupid "We Got Annie." The show's main theme, "Tomorrow," is nearly relegated to the back burner. One of the stage version's most touching songs, "Something Was Missing" is completely cut out as is "A New Deal for Christmas" (and even Christmas itself is replaced by the 4th of July, and I really think the show loses some of its magic in doing so).

Miss Hannigan is made out to be a hero in the end of the movie instead of the villain she remains in the stage version. There's a silly and unnecessarily chase scene designed to make the show have more action. And don't get me started on the unnecessary additions of Punjab and the Asp, who were only added because they were in the original "Little Orphan Annie" comic strip, but serve no useful purpose since they aren't in the stage version at all.





And I don't really care for Aileen Quinn's performance as Annie, which is unfortunate since she is, after all, the focus of the movie. I just find her kind of obnoxious rather than endearing. Plus, scenes from the play are switched around, and since the original book is so well-crafted, the movie ends up just coming out more of a mess than anything. Not a fan.

Back to the album: after "Herbert Hoover" comes the wonderful "Little Girls" (still a favorite song) sung by the terrific Dorothy Loudon, who will always be Miss Hannigan to me. I agree she could be a bit of a ham, but I also think there is a very good reason she won Best Supporting Actress for this role.



Then you get the delightful and fun "I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here." Following that is "NYC," which I admit to skipping as a kid because it started out too slow and I didn't particularly like Reid Shelton's voice. However, today I quite like "NYC." It's a fun and vibrant arrangement that I think captures city life well.



Oh, and then "Easy Street." What an absolutely terrific number. So fun! Definitely a highlight of the show. I actually wish the stage version wasn't as broken up as it is (with dialogue between each verse) and was instead presented as it is on the album. I felt lucky to see a recording of this number when it was performed on the Tonys.



Then there's "You Won't Be An Orphan for Long," which may not be the strongest number, but is still a lot of fun. Next is "You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile," which I admit I didn't fully understand as a kid. However, both the radio version and the orphan version are fun to listen to. I think the former really captures that early 30s singing style.

Then you get the "Tomorrow Reprise," which I always found quite humorous as a kid. Then there's "Something Was Missing." I also admit I skipped over this song as a kid. Too slow and, again, Reid Shelton. Now, however, I think it's one of the most touching and beautiful songs in the show. The melody is gorgeous. I love it (and yes, I like Reid Shelton's voice now, too).

Then there's "I Don't Need Anything But You," which is fun and bouncy.



Then you've got "Annie," which I admit is probably one of the weaker songs on the album, but I still like it (and certainly like it better than the movie's more stupid version, "We Got Annie"). The final lyrics of the song, though, are still a mystery to me.

And then there's the underrated finale, "A New Deal for Christmas," which sounds very Christmas-y, but I also feel like some the lyrics are not Martin Charnin's best, but then I do think Martin Charnin has several lyrical problems in the show. Still, I like the song, even though it's the one I didn't listen to much as a kid.

I remember looking at the pictures inside the album. They were small, and there was one for each song, but I remember being especially impressed that they so closely resembled the scenes I had seen in the touring company's version (not realizing it was patterned exactly after the Broadway version).

I wore out that album as a kid. In fact, I think we bought another copy because I scratched up the old one. But I loved it and still do. I can listen to it over and over and not get sick of it. There isn't a song in the show that I don't like now. Very catchy and fun.

I like some of the themes in the show. I like that Annie's presence makes the lives of almost everyone around her better: her fellow orphans, the down-trodden residents of the Hooverville she encounters; the stray dog who finally gets adopted; the tough millionaire whose heart she penetrates; his staff, who grow to love her as their own; President Roosevelt and his staff, who create the New Deal supposedly because of her, which in turn changes the lives of many of her fellow Americans. I just like the message that one person can make a difference simply with their positive attitude.

I also like the idea that what Annie wishes and hopes for most in the world (to be reunited with her parents) - the thing she thinks will ultimately give her the greatest happiness - is not really what brings her happiness at all.

I like that it's a love story between a father and a daughter.

I like that it breaks the rule about kids and animals and hinges one scene on both.

I like that the show is often used as a vehicle to adopt homeless dogs (the dogs are experiencing the Annie story in their own lives).

I like how the music makes me feel.

I like the influence the show has had on my very career and my relationship with the man who is now my husband.

For yes, Annie was also very instrumental in helping me find Jonah. 23 years after I saw Annie for the first time, I was cast in a production of it in a role I coveted, that of the villain, Rooster. Jonah was the dresser for the actress playing Miss Hannigan, and because I played Miss Hannigan's brother, Jonah and I ended up spending some time together.



I remember when I was cast in Annie, I almost felt as though my life as an actor had come full-circle. Here I was playing a great part, a part I wanted, in the show that helped me decide I wanted to be an actor in the first place. But never could I have dreamed it would also help me find the man who has brought me such joy and happiness in my life; the man who I chose to be with when I thought love had eluded me forever; the man who helped me be who I am happiest being. Perhaps that's why I love Annie most of all.

I am now doing another production of Annie. I'm playing a different part, but one I am enjoying very much. Going to work is a joy. It never feels like work. It feels like fun every day. I love listening to the score while I'm off stage and singing the score when I'm on stage. I never get sick of it. In fact, I venture to say that I could probably do this show for a while if I had to, and I cannot say that about all the shows I am in (in fact, I can't say it about most shows because I get bored too easily). But this one is a pleasure. I am thoroughly enjoying it, and it reminds me each day how very lucky and fortunate I am to be doing what I do for a living. I will be sad to see it go.

An irony is that once this production ends, I have nothing on the horizon until at least April. But that also means I get to go home to Jonah, and that we will spend the longest amount of time together since our commitment ceremony. Although I hope I will find a job soon, I am looking very, very forward to being home with my husband for a good amount of time. I have missed him very much, and am looking forward to some quality time with him and our three cats.

You Think You Know Someone

About a year ago I was in a show, and I met this guy, a fellow actor. Let's call him Paul. Paul and I really hit it off. We shared a similar sense of humor, and we had some common interests. Paul was also extremely likeable and charming, and I enjoyed getting to know him better. He had a great voice and was fun to be around. I genuinely liked him, and we got along really well. He was also one of my puzzle buddies (although not the one described in this post).

Paul was from an LDS background, although I got the impression he wasn't active. He had also been married, but was now divorced (for how long I can't remember, but it seems it had only been a year or two since he and his wife had divorced. He also had kids and you could tell they were a source of pride for him. Paul seemed pretty open about his life and experiences, and I enjoyed getting to know him better. In any case, we were pretty chummy.

Anyway, Paul and I did that show and then went our separate ways. Four months later I was excited to be reunited with him in another show. I had enjoyed working with him so much the first time around, it was fun to see that we'd be working together again. We still got along well, but for some reason his personality got more on my nerves this time around. We were still friendly, but not as friendly as we had been during our first show together. We was dating a new girl at the time, and that's all he seemed to talk about, and while I was happy for him, it got a little tiring at times. I also felt this sort of "trying-to-hard" vibe from him. It's hard to explain.

Regardless, we were still friendly, and I still liked him quite a bit.

Flash forward to last week. While in rehearsals for my current show, somehow Paul's name came up, and an actress (we'll call her Debbie) who had been in the last show Paul and I did together asked if we had heard the latest about him. Another actor and I (who had both been in the two shows with Paul that I've already mentioned) replied that we hadn't.

She then started telling us a story that seemed to have nothing to do with Paul. She said that in January of 2010 she had started rehearsals of a show that turned out to be a bad experience for her. The director, whose name was Peter Holmstead, made a lot of sexual innuendo during the rehearsal process, and Debbie found working with him very uncomfortable.

In May of that same year, Debbie said that it had been discovered that Peter, who was also a drama teacher at a local high school, had been having an ongoing sexual relationship with one of his seventeen year-old students. This all came out after the girl's parents came home from a vacation to find Peter in their home sitting on a couch with their daughter. When this happened, Peter quickly grabbed his stuff and left the house, simply saying, "I'm sorry."

Peter was eventually charged with rape because he was in a position of authority over the girl, and by law, and because of the girl's age, she was in no position to give consent.

So Debbie is telling us this seemingly unrelated story and says that when she was cast in the last production that we all did together, she was distressed when she saw that Peter, this director who had made her feel uncomfortable and who had been charged with this crime, was in the cast as well. Only he had now changed his name to Paul.

The other actor and I who were listening to her tale in utter amazement were shocked. My first thought was, I can't believe that this guy I like and have trusted did such a thing.

When I went home that night, I looked for all the news stories on Paul Holmstead (not his real name, by the way) I could find, and sure enough, there is a mug shot of the guy I consider my friend, charged with the rape of one of the students he was entrusted with.

Debbie had told us that he sentencing was supposed to be on November 10th of this year (although as part of a plea bargain, he now has pled guilty to the lesser charge of aggravated sexual abuse), but I have not been able to find out whether he has actually been sentenced or what his sentence was. However, news stories say he faces two separate prison terms of 1 to 15 years.

I am flabbergasted, quite frankly. I also want to shake my friend and say, "What were you thinking?!" I don't blame him for changing his name or concealing what he did from me. Who wants to drudge that up, especially with someone you don't know that well?

From what I gather, the relationship was consensual. That doesn't make it right. I don't think the 17 year-old girl has the maturity to enter into a relationship of that nature, and I certainly think a 31 year-old teacher should know better than to take advantage of one of his students and should be responsible enough to say no to such a temptation.

Paul has taken responsibility for his actions and is bound to serve some serious jail time (as well he should). I'm just so mad at him for making the choices he made that brought him here. He should have known better. And I'm annoyed that he has made me see him in a light that taints who I thought he was.

Here's a guy I like and trusted, and now I think if I had a daughter, there's no way I would trust him to be alone with her, and it makes me me sad.

As I've received this new information about my friend, I have had to decide how I feel about him, and it's been a lot of strange emotions. Part of me wants to reach out to him and say, "I still love you and care about you even though you're a bonehead" and part of me is, in fact, disgusted by what he did and thinks, "How can I ever trust you again?"

I don't have all the facts. I don't know what sort of emotional states either he or the girl were in when they embarked on this path, nor do I know or not whether that even matters. It still seems inexcusable. I don't know Paul's true heart, and perhaps that is what is most troubling to me about this whole thing: I'm not sure I even know who Paul is or what I can trust as truth or not.

And yet, I also know we are taught to forgive. Everyone.

I have a very good friend in prison right now. For manslaughter. And while the family of the man he killed may never forgive him, I know this friend's heart. I know what he has tried to do to make amends for something he can never fully make amends. In spite of a series of bad life choices leading up to one very bad mistake that caused his victim to lose his life at my friend's hands, I know that my friend is a good person; I know that he is truly sorry for what he did; I know that regrets every day his actions, and I know that he has worked ever since to be a better person, and I can see that he is a better person than that broken man who killed another human being.

Can't I also forgive Paul? Cannot Paul also have a truly contrite heart? Cannot Paul also try to make the best possible amends he can for a possibly amend-less situation?

Is Paul truly sorry? Does he truly recognize that his actions were wrong? I don't know. But I do know that I'm supposed to forgive and love him, and I am trying to do that.

I remember seeing a movie starring Kevin Bacon called The Woodsman about a convicted child molester (perhaps one of the hardest crimes to forgive (for me, at least)) who has served his sentence and attempts to start life anew. The character is flawed and still has challenges associated with his crimes, but is portrayed sympathetically and ultimately, seems like he will rise above his past mistakes. I remember watching the film and feeling that I was seeing the true heart of a man I might otherwise see as a monster, and I appreciated that.

I'm not saying the character's crimes weren't reprehensible or that he didn't need to somehow pay for the lost innocence of the children he robbed. I'm saying that it helped me see a human soul in a way I might never have seen.

There are some crimes that seem unforgivable. Some things seem so dastardly that you can't imagine forgiving someone for them. But I know I have been commanded to love and forgive; that I am supposed to see a human soul's inner heart the way God sees them. It's so much harder in mortality to not be judgmental and condemning, but I truly believe in the eternal realm, God loves us for who we are and unconditionally.

That doesn't mean we won't have to atone for the sins for which we are unrepentant, but for the ones we truly repent of, Christ has promised that his atonement will cover anything for which we lack, and I believe that.

I don't know what is in my friend Paul's heart or how he views his current situation. Nor do I know if I really know the friend I thought I knew. But I am trying to approach this from a loving, non-judgmental, forgiving, open-minded point-of-view. It remains to be seen what will happen next, but I am trying to have a loving and understanding heart toward my friend. I guess that's all I can do for now.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was nice this year, although I wish Jonah and I had been together for it. I am grateful to be employed, though, and grateful I was able to have the day off from work.

As anyone who reads this blog regularly knows, I love my family very much. As anyone who regularly reads this blog also knows, I am not the most social person in the world. One of my favorite sounds in the world, no joke, is the sound of stillness and silence that happens after a house full of people has left. After the last lingerers departed; after my mom and niece and nephew-in-law went to bed, I stood doing the remainder of the dishes in quiet, and it was such a lovely feeling. I love solitude; crave it sometimes. That doesn't mean I don't like people nor does it mean I don't also enjoy my relationships with friends, family, and Jonah. But I love quiet. And I love alone time.

I once stumbled on the definition of an introvert here, which I may have already posted on this blog before. Some of the highlights include:

"Contrary to what most people think, an introvert is not simply a person who is shy. ...Basically, an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people.

"Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to 'recharge.'

"When introverts want to be alone, it is not, by itself, a sign of depression. It means that they either need to regain their energy from being around people or that they simply want the time to be with their own thoughts. Being with people, even people they like and are comfortable with, can prevent them from their desire to be quietly introspective.

"Being introspective, though, does not mean that an introvert never has conversations. However, those conversations are generally about ideas and concepts, not about what they consider the trivial matters of social small talk..."



This describes me to an absolute T. I am the textbook definition of an introvert, if the above is the true definition.

I tried to make Thanksgiving easier for Mom this year. She's always doing the majority of the cooking and always seems to be in a state of stress and frenzy during the holiday because she's always up and down and making sure everything gets done and served, etc. No one demands this of her; it just seems to be her nature, and as a result, while I know she enjoys getting together with the family, she always comes out of Thanksgiving feeling tired and frazzled.



Initially, a family friend invited Mom and me over to her house for Thanksgiving, and I said we probably would accept, thinking that would give Mom a break and just allow her to relax for a change. However, Mom ended up telling me to decline the invitation because she wanted to spend the holiday with the extended family. Fine.

So then my sister-in-law, niece, and I made a plan to alleviate some of Mom's burden. Mom wanted to make the turkey, potatoes, and stuffing, but we told Mom that everything else would be taken care of. My sister-in-law would make the pies and a jello salad she traditionally makes. My sister and brother-in-law would bring the sweet potatoes. I would take care of the rolls. My niece and nephew would make the remaining vegetables and help Mom cook everything while I put up the Christmas lights. They would set the table and chairs, etc. Everyone in the family had a duty designed to help Mom's holiday be a bit more relaxing.

FAIL!

Due to Mom's dementia, she forgot about our plans and ended up buying rolls and pies, for example, so we had quite an over-abundance of those items. In the case of pies, that's no so bad. In the case of rolls, I think we had way too many. Also due to Mom's memory problems, she didn't put the turkey in soon enough, and unfortunately we didn't realize it until it was too late. Also, somebody had inadvertently shut the oven off while the turkey was cooking. Long story short, by the time the meal had been finished, everything was ready except the main course, which needed another one to two hours. Nobody minded...except Mom, of course, who seemed a bit agitated about it (and it didn't help cook the turkey any faster that she kept checking on it. My niece was like, "Grandma, it's just going to take longer if you keep letting the hot air out of the oven.")

The meal was great. I just wish we'd done a better job at making the event more relaxing for Mom. After everyone left, Mom said how tired she was and that she was kind of happy the day was over. I wish Mom didn't feel she had to put out all of her energy to do Thanksgiving. We really tried to help ease the load, and we were successful in some cases. Oh, well. Maybe next year we can do better.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving and taking a cue from Mitch Mayne's post about The Thanksgiving Alphabet Game, I decided to play the game myself. As Mitch says, "The rules are simple: For each letter of the alphabet, name something you’re grateful for. To go a step further (and to make it a little more interesting), it helps to provide a brief statement of why you’re grateful—like I’ve done below. It’s silly, childlike, spiritual and amusing—all things that bring me back to my center."

In that spirit, here goes my list:

A. Acting - I don't know what I'd do without my career. From a very early age, I always knew I wanted to be an actor, and God bless my parents, they were very supportive in encouraging me in my career pursuits. And to actually make a living in my chosen career, which I love, is such a blessing, especially in a career field in which it is very challenging to make a comfortable living. I love playing other people, and especially when I am able to play characters very different from myself, I am allowed the opportunity to see life from a completely different point-of-view. I love acting so much.

B. Books - I love to read. Always have. And learning new things and reading about the experiences and interests of my fellow human beings is very often enriching. I love reading biographies and learning about other people's lives. I love a good, well-crafted piece of fiction. I love books that teach you how to do things, like how to be a better actor; how to compose music; how to speak a foreign language. I just love learning, and books open up a whole new world to me.

C. Christmas - Obviously I think more about it this time of year. I think it's my favorite holiday. I love the lights and music and decorations. I love the spirit of Christmas and hope I am successful at carrying it all the year through. I love the family togetherness. I enjoy the snow (not being in it, just looking at it). And obviously (I hope), I love it's true meaning: remembering and celebrating the birth of the Savior and celebrating the miracles that have been wrought in our lives because of that wondrous event; remembering our fellow man (for when we are in the service of our fellow man, we are in the service of our God. When we serve the least of our brethren (and sisteren), we are serving our Savior).

D. Democracy - Even though the political process can sometimes be annoying, I am very grateful to live in a country where it is the citizens that can, and often do, make positive contributions to how our government and laws function. One can be cynical about it, but what a privilege it is that we can open discuss and debate the problems of the country and that we can vote to change things for the better. Yes, there can be corruption and discord, but what a gift it is to live in a country where we are free to exercise freedom of speech and where our contributions to the democratic process can make a real difference. I wish we could all remember that and not take it for granted like we too often do.

E. Entertainment - I probably spend too much of my time on frivolous entertainment, but I am grateful for games, comedians, TV shows, movies, plays, musicals, music, etc., and I am grateful they are easily accessible. Sometimes I just need to relax or "leave my brain at the door" for a bit, and I'm glad I have so many different kinds of entertainment to help me decompress and, hopefully, teach me something valuable while I'm being entertained.

F. Family - I couldn't ask for a better family. I am grateful for their love and support and am equally grateful for the love and support they give my husband. I love them, and I am glad they are mine.

G. Gifts - Who doesn't like getting a gift, especially when it's unexpected? I appreciate the thoughtfulness involved in procuring a gift for somebody. I also am grateful for the gifts and talents my Heavenly Father has blessed me with, and I hop I am using them to help others draw closer to Him.

H. Heavenly Father - I love my Father in Heaven. I am grateful for his love, mercy, understanding. I am glad I know He is real and glad I know He loves me individually and loves me for who I am and who I can be. I am grateful for His abundant blessings in my life. I am glad I continue to come to a knowledge of just who He is and what He stands for. I am grateful for His ever-encompassing influence in my life.

I. Ice cream - I love it! If there were a Betty Ford clinic for ice cream addiction, I would probably have to check myself in. I'm glad there are so many varieties to choose from, and I'm glad so many of those varieties are chocolate-based.

J. Jonah - Where would I be without the love of my life? I shudder to think it. Jonah is so giving and loving and so full of integrity. He is supportive of me and my dreams; he has helped me be a better person; and I'm glad he and and I are together. I thank the Lord every day for Jonah. I am indeed lucky and blessed that he is mine.

K. Kitchen appliances - I love the convenience of microwaves, dishwashers, stoves, ovens, refrigerators, freezers, toasters, blenders, mixers, crock pots, grills, cookers, food processors, etc. When I think of what my ancestors had to do to store and cook food and wash dishes, I think how incredibly blessed we are to have what we have.

L. Love - Perhaps it's simplistic, but I am grateful to love and be loved. I am grateful for the love of my Heavenly Father, for the love of my Savior, for the love of my spouse, for the love of my family and friends, and even for the love I've experienced at the hands of strangers. Love has a power that is unfathomable in its reach. To experience love and to give is the greatest thing in the world. So many of our world's problems come because individuals have not experienced enough love in their lives or because individuals are not practicing love. Love really can change the world. I truly believe that.

M. Mom - My mom is one of my greatest friends and supporters and, of course, she's my mom. I am truly a mama's boy. I love my mom so much, and because of her and my dad, I am the person I am today, and I am grateful for that.

N. Night - I like nighttime. I like the dark, the quiet, the stars, the moon. It's often a very peaceful time. I am a night person, too. It is my time of day.

O. Optimism - I think I'm a pretty optimistic person (at least I try to be). I've learned in life that I can't control outside circumstance, but I can control my attitude towards them. I truly believe most people are good. I believe that even when things seem dire and full of despair, there is still good to be found. I believe we can learn positive things from even the worst situations. I have a friend who I lovingly call "little black rain cloud." He is very pessimistic and kind of curmudgeon. He's also one of my best friends, and I dearly love him. I try to infuse his life with optimism. He needs it. So many people do. I think it's better to be optimistic than pessimistic. It makes life a lot more enjoyable. I'm grateful I tend to be more optimistic about things.

P. Pizza - Love it! Enough said.

Q. Quiet - I already mentioned this at the beginning of the post. I love quiet. I love silence. I am very comfortable when things are peaceful and still.

R. Rain - Rain often reminds me of my mission in Belgium and France (where it rains a lot). I like the clean smell that often accompanies rain. I like misty rain a lot. I love a sudden shower on a warm summer day. I associate good things with rain.

S. Star Wars - I enjoy the Star Wars series a lot (particularly the original trilogy). I like the idea of good defeating bad, of redemption, of the small and humble things of the universe overcoming the seemingly more powerful and daunting ones. I like that a simple farm boy becomes the hope of the universe and not only succeeds in saving the universe from tyranny, but helps his wayward father find redemption. I also like collecting memorabilia from the movies.

T. Trooper, Blondie, and Chaplin - My three babies. My cats will probably be the closest I ever get to being a father. I miss them a lot. Yes, they aggravate me at times, but they bring me such joy, too. I can't wait to see them and Jonah again.







U. Fashion underwear - I love wearing it. I love the different colors and styles. I love how sexy it makes me feel. I love how it allows me another form of self-expression. I love Jonah in his, too.

W. Andy Williams - I love his smooth and soothing voice. He's been one of my favorite singers for a long time. I also love that I got the chance to actually see him in concert two years ago. What a thrill! I hear he has bladder cancer now. My prayers are with him and his family.

X. X-Rays - I don't necessarily enjoy getting them, but I'm glad they enable a doctor to see what's going on inside of me.

Y. Youth - I like the energy and innocence of youth and wish I had more of it myself. But I am grateful that I still feel very young at heart.

Z. Zoos - I love animals, and I love being able to see so many different kinds of animals. Sometimes I feel bad they can't be out and about in their natural habitats, but I love watching animals that I might never otherwise get a chance to see up close and in person.

Church Attendance

So the ward I attend has always had the same schedule for years: Priesthood and Relief Society at 9:00 AM, Sunday School at 10:00 AM, and Sacrament Meeting at about 10:50 AM. This schedule works quite well for me. I am not a morning person nor do I opt to attend Priesthood meeting, so I get to church at 10:00 AM just in time for Sunday School, which I enjoy, and then I stay for Sacrament Meeting.

I found out that the higher ups have asked that Sacrament Meeting be first, so starting in January Sacrament Meeting will start at 9:00 AM, followed by Sunday School, and Priesthood. I'm not too excited about this and worry that it will affect my activity negatively when I am in Utah. I'd be more prone to just attend Sunday School in that case. I know that sounds bad, but it's the truth, and since I'm not even an official member anymore, I wouldn't feel as duty-bound to get up that early to go to Sacrament Meeting. I would miss going, though.

The fortunate thing is that I will be back home with Jonah in January after my gig ends, and my ward there doesn't start until 11:00 AM, so I don't really have to worry about this dilemma until I get another Utah job.

Beginning next fall, there will be a big shake-up at one of the theaters where I am consistently employed. This may affect whether I continue working there on a continual basis or not, so who knows? Maybe I'll be home with Jonah on a more regular basis anyway. And that might very well be for the best.

Something Lost And Other Thoughts About Sundays And Church

Warning: This post meanders a lot, and I'm not even sure what points I'm really trying to make. You have been advised.



I typically try not to shop on Sundays. Old habits die hard, and growing up in the LDS Church taught me that Sundays were not for shopping. Since I have been excommunicated, I don't necessarily have an obligation to "keep the sabbath day holy," but I still try to. Otherwise, Sunday just becomes like any other day, and I like Sunday to be special.

I do not always succeed in making Sunday very special. For one thing, it is my day off of work, which already makes it special, I suppose, but it also means that a lot of the stuff I'm unable to do because of work gets deferred to that day (i.e. shopping, laundry, errands, etc.). My last theatre gig involved my doing two shows on Sunday, so I would go to church, then do two shows, and then, essentially, my day was over. It didn't feel very special as far as worship goes.

Sunday also happens to be Jonah's day off, so when I am home, we do a lot of our shopping on Sundays or we have date nights. Jonah also doesn't have the same upbringing I had, so Sunday shopping and excursions are not a big deal to him, nor do I expect them to be a big deal to him.

So I admit I have gotten out of practice when it comes to using Sunday as a day of rest and worship. But I do try. I attend my meetings (well, except Priesthood), and I do try to use the day as a day of rest, meditation, and thoughtfulness.

On the other hand, I also try to live my life like that in general, anyway. I believe how you are supposedly supposed to act on Sunday is how you should be acting every day of the week. I think about and pray to God all the time. I often use the time I'm taking public transportation to work on the weekdays as a time to meditate or think about spiritual things. No need to confine that just to Sunday. Just yesterday I was reading the Conference edition of the Ensign. I'm not even four talks in yet (I missed Conference when it was on - that happened to be the weekend Jonah and I were at Disneyland)), but I've enjoyed what I've read. I actually read one of the talks in the back of the Ensign first because I had heard part of it when Elder Uchtdorf spoke at Women's Conference, and I had enjoyed what I heard. (I like Elder Uchtdorf!)

In any case, today was one of those days where I made a conscious, concerted exception to my "try not to shop on Sunday" efforts. A new H&M store barely opened near my mom's house (where I stay when I'm in Utah) at Fashion Place Mall, and I was eager to check it out because I like their clothing and prices, and I was also curious to see if they had any good opening day sale-type stuff going on.



Jonah, who likes to shop much more than I do (and certainly likes clothes-shopping more than I do), first introduced me to H&M. There is one near our home, but I had never been there until he took me. Much to my surprise, I actually enjoyed shopping there. I liked the clothing styles, I liked the prices, and for once, clothes-shopping actually felt like fun rather than the chore I usually feel it is. I even bought some stuff (this coming from the guy who doesn't buy clothes until they've either shrunk or have tears, rips, or frays, or are so threadbare that wearing them is impossible (and even then, sometimes I don't!)).

Anyway, I drove to the mall, which I don't frequent very much anymore. When I was a boy growing up in my mom and dad's house, Fashion Place Mall was the place to go if I wanted to shop for miscellaneous items. Also, it was (and still is) close enough to walk or ride my bike to, and I remember feeling very grown-up and independent when I was allowed to ride my bike to the mall by myself.



The mall has changed a ton since I was a kid.



Here is a map of the mall in 1973 (two years after I was born, but looking pretty much how I remember it as a kid growing up), and here is how it looks today. These maps don't really give a great visual, but trust me, today's mall is very different from the one I went to as a kid.

Only a handful of stores remain from the ones I knew as a kid. There's still a Sears, which was the main department store I went to for clothes, Spencer Gifts, Schubach Jewelers, See's Candies, Hot Dog On a Stick, and Chuck-a-Rama are the ones I'm aware are still there, although there may be others I've missed.

Some of the stores long since gone include Kinney Shoes, which is wear Mom took me to get shoes; Swiss Colony, where you could often get free samples of various cheeses (which I liked) and deli meats (which I didn't care for as much, usually because it was something gross like salami or pastrami), and if I recall correctly, my brother worked there very briefly (perhaps it was a holiday season job); Waldenbooks, which is one of the stores I frequented most because I loved (and still do love) to read, and if I had spare money, it often went toward the purchase of a book; or a record from Musicland, which I also frequented, saving up my money for all of the Monkees albums or Weird Al Yankovic or Broadway albums; Farrell's Ice Cream Parlor, where the family might go for a special occasion such as a birthday; Smith's Food King, where we sometimes got groceries (although Mom preferred Harmon's) and was nothing like the mega-grocery store it has turned into today (and is, ironically, where my mom now does the majority of her grocery shopping); Skaggs Drugs, where we would get prescriptions filled, hardware, necessities, and if we were lucky, I remember sometimes my dad would stop there on his way home from work and bring each of us kids a candy bar; UA Cinemas, where I would often go see movies (for only $2.00), Hammonds Toys (later K-B Toys took over that spot), where I would hunt for Star Wars action figures; Winchell's Donuts; and Tilt, the local arcade, whose video games would seem archaic by today's standards of technology, but was an enjoyable place to lose a few quarters, although I didn't frequent it too much because I wasn't very good at video games and would rather not waste my money on them when there were records, books, and movies to be purchased.

Typically, we only got See's chocolates around Christmas time. They're still as good as they were when I was a kid. I remember Chuck-a-Rama (a popular buffet in Utah) actually being inside the mall whereas now it's housed in a separate building on the mall grounds. Orange Julius was where we might go to get a hot dog or hamburger after a long day of shopping, and it was housed in its own shop whereas now it's just part of a much larger food court and shares its space with Dairy Queen. I also remember its mascot was a little devil and the backs of the swivel chairs had devil pitchforks on them. Doesn't seem very PC now, but I liked it. Spencer Gifts always had a lot of adult novelty stuff (pretty tame by today's standards), but I sometimes felt dirty or guilty browsing in there, especially since that was where I could often get a peek at scantily-clad men on calendars and posters and such, and this was during the time when my guilt over my homosexuality was at its worst. I always thought the uniforms at Hot Dog on a Stick (which really hasn't changed much) were tacky. Still do.

Back then the parking lot was pretty easy to maneuver and the mall wasn't too crowded (except at Christmas time). There were a lot of shops, but it wasn't overwhelming. Nowadays, the mall seems clogged with cars and shops and restaurants and establishments, all in a space that wasn't originally designed for such growth. The acreage of the original property remains the same, as far as I can tell; it's just that there are more stores and restaurants in that space than there were when I was a kid. There are also vendors lining the centers of all the walkways of the mall, which I don't remember being the case when I was a lad.

According to this Salt Lake Tribune article, Fashion Place Mall is "one of the most successful regional malls in the West — if not in the country." Now there are a Cheesecake Factory, a Crate and Barrel, an H&M (all of which are the only ones in Utah), an Olive Garden, Applebee's, an Apple store, Banana Republic, Macy's, Victoria's Secret, Bath and Body Works (where I happened to work once and happen to know that at the time I worked there, it was one of the best selling branches in the western region), among others.

It's very close to the freeway and easily accessible. It's centrally located in the Salt Lake Valley and is accessible by State Street, a main thoroughfare. Needless to say, it's much more crowded than it was when I was a kid, and it was a pretty popular mall then.

That was a rather long diversion to get to a point, but here we are: since I hadn't really been to the mall in a while, and certainly not on a Sunday in quite some time, I was kind of taken aback by just how crowded the mall was on Sunday. I mean, it was packed, both the parking lot and the mall itself. I guess it was particularly surprising to me because I remember as a kid, the mall was not a busy place on Sunday. In fact, if memory serves correctly (and it may not), there was a time when the mall wasn't even open on Sunday (at least that is my recollection). In fact, it was hard to find too many businesses open on Sunday when I was a youth (at least around my mom's neighborhood).



When I was growing up, there were a lot of active Mormons in my area, and I suppose this is why a lot of businesses were closed on Sundays. People didn't shop on Sunday (at least the Mormons I knew didn't). It just didn't happen frequently.

As I got older, in my early and late teens, more and more businesses seemed to be open on Sundays, and, in fact, there was a time when my family went to Pizza Hut (when you could actually dine in) on Sundays pretty regularly until we decided it probably wasn't a good sabbath activity (although I still maintain it was - they were great family-bonding times for us).

Nowadays, it isn't rare for a good majority of businesses to be open on Sundays, and I feel like we've lost something. I'm not judging Sunday shoppers. I'm really not (heck, I just outed myself as a Sunday shopper), but I do feel the day has become less special, less set apart, as a result of our treating like any other day (and I think there are a lot of Mormon Sunday-shoppers out there). Maybe I'm just nostalgic for the times I had as a kid when Sunday seemed like a special day where we did activities we didn't do any other day of the week and where activities we did on other days simply weren't appropriate for Sundays.

In any case, I was surprised by the crowds I never would have seen at the mall when I was a kid. H&M was quite crowded due to the fact that it just opened. In fact, we had to stand in line, and a security guard let us in a few at a time so as not to clog the store with too many people. I felt like I was standing in line for a ride at Disneyland.

The store was quite crowded, but there was some nice clothing options, and I bought three tops and some nice fashion underwear. I couldn't try the shirts on at the store because the lines for the fitting rooms were too long, and I had a dinner appointment to get to. I asked what their return policy was (30 day return) and said I was going to try the tops on at home. The salesgirl said she didn't blame me. One of the shirts is a keeper (as is the underwear), one is going back, and one I'm still undecided about (I like it, but am not sure I really have the physique to pull it off; plus, it looks better on its own rather than with a tee shirt or undershirt under it, and I sweat a lot in the armpit area, so I would prefer to wear another shirt under it. I'm still mulling it over.) I do hope to go back to H&M when it is less crowded after the opening day excitement has died down somewhat.

Anyway, it was fun to get some new clothes.

I went to church before I went to H&M (kind of ironic, huh?). I still wonder if I'm getting as much out of attending my Mormon ward as I would like, but there are still aspects of it I enjoy. I like Sunday School. I like the instructor. He's always very prepared and gives good lessons. Some of the people in the class annoy me at times, but I like the class itself. The instructor made a comment recently that I really liked: he said, "I can't be running and look over at a swimmer and say, 'Oh, they've got it so much easier than I do' or 'they should be doing what I'm doing.' I can't judge them nor can I say if their efforts are less valid than mine or if their journeys are easier or harder than mine. We're in two completely different places, and I don't know what it's like for them." I just liked the analogy.

Sunday in class we were reading a scripture in James 1:27: "Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world." The instructor asked why this would be considered the definition of pure religion, and a brother said something pretty simple, yet struck me in a profound way. He said, "Well, isn't that just a reiteration of the two great commandments, 'Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind' and 'Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself'? If we are keeping ourselves 'unspotted from the world,' aren't we showing our love for our Heavenly Father by keeping his commandments, and aren't we loving our neighbors as ourselves by doing such things as visiting and helping the fatherless, the widows, and afflicted?" It just seemed so simple and obvious, but I'd never thought about the particular scripture in those terms before.

It then got me to thinking about how gay people are sometimes unsupported or aided in their afflictions (and I'm not talking about their attractions being an affliction, but how they are sometimes treated, knowingly and unknowingly, by their brothers and sisters, both in the church and out. It made me think of a quote I read on Neal's Pensieve yesterday, which I hope he doesn't mind my sharing:

What struck me this time around is the way the Lord defined those who were righteous and those who were wicked - the sheep and the goats. Righteousness was not defined by Church attendance, keeping the Word of Wisdom, putting on a great Road Show, wearing a white shirt to Church, or serving in a particular calling. The only criteria for righteousness seemed to be how we served our fellow man. How we loved and cared for those around us. That was it. Likewise, wickedness was defined as a selfish absence of service, caring, or love. The other commandments truly pale in importance compared to this crowning principle of love and service. This was one of those profound moments of realization for me.

And then my thoughts turned to the way many of us MoHos are treated. So many of us hunger and thirst for acceptance..., love, dignity, caring, and equality. So many of us are sick of being persecuted and being imprisoned in closets of anonymity. So many of us are naked and exposed to hate, ridicule, insults and the injustice of our society. How sad it will be - how truly sad - when the parent who casts out his own child simply because he is gay finds out he is actually a goat, and not a sheep after all. How sad, indeed, to discover that you have altogether missed the very essence of Christianity.

I think love is the very essence of Christianity. I think when all is said and done, we will be judged most by how we loved and showed love to our fellow man.



There was a good talk in Sacrament Meeting, too. They were mostly stories, but they were entertaining and interesting.

I've been thinking a lot about something Carol Lynn Pearson said in the Circling the Wagons conference. She said one thing we can do proactively is simply to share our experiences with the Brethren without necessarily being condemning or trying to get them to change doctrine. I've really thought about doing this. I just want to write a nice, but frank letter about things members and leaders in the LDS Church could do to improve relations with their gay brothers and sisters. No doctrinal changes; I get that the Brethren are in a tough position as well with this issue; just suggestions on ways things could be improved. I have to really ponder what I want to say, but I feel it is something I may act on.

One last thought. My old bishop, who's now in charge of facilitating Sunday School proceedings, always asks me after the Sunday School lesson has finished to roll the dry erase board into the room in which it is kept. It is a very small thing. I do not know if he asks me to move it simply because he needs assistance moving it or because he knows I desire to feel more needed in the ward, but I appreciate it. I suspect it is the latter. He has such a heart full of love, and I'm sure he must know that it is hard for me to not participate fully. It's gotten to the point where I now move it without being asked, like it's my job. I like that. It may seem insignificant, but it makes me feel like I have a duty of some kind, and it makes me feel like I have a place in the ward. I'm grateful for it as I am grateful for my fellow ward members who go out of their way to make me feel welcome and loved. And that love and thoughtfulness is precisely why I still go.

Circling The Wagons: Part 2

Continuing on from my last post:

The 2nd Session's main speaker was a former United Methodist minister named Jimmy Creech, who flew in all the way from North Carolina to participate in the conference.

Mister Creech is not Mormon and wrote a book called Adam's Gift, which I intend to read eventually.

Mister Creech started off by telling us that as gay Mormons, we are a part of history. He went on to talk about how he was defrocked as a minister and shared his experiences about Adam, a young man who had come into his office in tears telling him he wanted to leave the church because of how it treated gay people. Creech had not really had any experience or particular interest in LGBT issues at the time. What he did know was that he loved Adam and felt him to be a good person, and it was this meeting that caused his heart to change on this matter.

He said he told Adam that "there is no reason you should believe that God does not love you." He also said, "I do not want you to leave the church," but that no one should remain in an abusive relationship, and that if he felt the church was causing him harm, he would support him. He also said, "Even if you are no longer a member, I'll be your pastor as long as you want me to be.

Adam's humanity is what caused Brother Creech to change his mind and heart. He said it was our job as human beings to help people overcome spiritual damage; to help them know that God loves them; and to teach them to love themselves and love others.

He said sexuality is good. It is a gift He also said he still loved his church, and that in spite of possible resentments we may hold, we need to look at the good things our religions have done. But he also said that a church has no integrity when it talks of God's love, but then commits acts that cause great harm to others. He also said we have to go where truth takes us. He quoted the famous hymn, "Jesus loves me, this I know; for the Bible tells me so."

He said God is not in empty churches with locked doors. God is not in angry voices. God is in those who affirm love with dignity. We said we need to learn to distinguish between institutions and God. God is not limited to an institution. Justice, freedom, equality, dignity, and peace: that is God.

After Mister Creech's remarks, tow guys sang "For Good" from the musical Wicked. This song has personal meaning to me as it was one of the last things my grad school classmates and I performed together before we went our separate ways. It was clear that the two men who sang it cared for each other.

Here are the words:

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
Because I knew you
I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood
Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

And because I knew you...
Because I knew you...
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good.

As they sang the song, it made me think of some of the people who have changed my life for the better, and it made me hope that I have done the same for them and perhaps for others I am unaware of. I had tears in my eyes by the end of the song, and I felt such a strong love in the room.

In fact, that was something I noticed all throughout the day during the different sessions: the love and the spirit that were present. I know God was with us at that conference.

After the song, there was a panel consisting of Bill Bradshaw, Carol Lynn Pearson, and Julia Hunter moderated by John Dehlin. John would ask questions, and then the panel would give their opinions, and members of the congregation could also get up and ask questions or make comments. I didn't always write John's questions down, but here were some of the comments made.

There was the idea that we need to focus on how far we've come.

Bill Bradshaw made the comment that homosexual love is not counterfeit; that gay people have the same kinds of relationships that straight people do and that there love is just as valid. He said we need to get our fellow LDS friends, family, and ward members to use their imaginations to try and put themselves in our shoes.

Carol Lynn Pearson said that just as we wouldn't dream of going back to repeal women's right to vote or go back to the days of segregation, likewise, she thinks in the future this issue will be a non-issue as well. She stressed that we've come a long way. People are more aware, informed, and sympathetic than they once were. But she also stressed that there still must be greater understanding, acceptance, and nurturing on the Church's part, or it will eventually become irrelevant. But she said she also believes the LDS Church and its leaders and members are up to challenge. She said that history doesn't happen on its own; it happens because of the things we do, both big and small. Just being at this conference was such a thing.

Julia Hunter said that gay relationships are just as mundanely lived as straight ones. She said she was also appreciative to live in a country where she had the freedom to be out at all.

When asked what things can be improved,

Carol Lynn Pearson said the Church needs to give parents permission to love their children unequivocally. She said there is this idea that parents either have to choose the church or their children, and that doesn't have to be the case. She said the Church is losing too many good people and families because the Church taught that families come first, and so those people are choosing their children. She said we shouldn't even have to tell people to never withhold their love from their children; they should just know that based on the teachings of Christ.

Bill said people need to stop inadvertently or intentionally saying things about gay people that aren't true. He insinuated that we shouldn't be so locked into the "truth" that we miss the truth. He said the Church should not invite leaders to make statements that are incorrect. People need to stand up in high priest meetings, for example, and stand up against people who are saying ignorant, hurtful, false, or wrong things about gay people.

Julia said she would like to see the Church apologize for past wrongs. There needs to be better education. Bishops need to be taught or trained in such a way that they are better equipped to deal with the issue. Parents need to know that they shouldn't blame themselves. The Church needs to retract harsh rhetoric.

A congregant said the Church could be better at honoring and respecting the relationships that gay people have with one another.

John asked what the panelists would do if they were in the shoes of the Brethren, realizing that they are in a tricky position where it is difficult to do anything that might significantly decrease the numbers of its more conservative members or that wouldn't cause them to be too progressive too quickly.

Carol Lynn said more stakes and wards could follow the examples of her stake in Oakland, for example, or the ward in st in San Francisco that Mitch Mayne belongs to - you can still have outreach programs without contradicting the doctrine of the church. She said it sounds cliche, but the journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step, and you can't know what step 10 is until you've taken steps 1-9.

Julia said she didn't feel safe or acknowledged at church; that she felt invisible, and that this needs to be fixed. People shouldn't make hetero-normative assumptions. If she could feel like she wasn't invisible and be able to be open about who she is or about her relationship, she might return to church. She says she's doing things the church asked her to do by seeking for love and joy, and she has found that in her relationship.

Bill said members of the Church just need to be more Christian. It doesn't mean giving in; they just need to be more compassionate and less judgmental and not accept the loss of so many of the best and brightest.

A congregant said they were holding a fireside in their stake for the very purpose of helping gay and lesbians feel more welcome.

Another congregant said there needs to be more open dialogue from the top down. He also suggested the Church might allow civil unions in chapels in states where gay marriage is legal (I don't see that one happening any time soon).

Another congregant said "Truth is truth, but if tradition isn't working, let it go."

John asked what we personally can do; some practical things we can do ourselves.

Julia said don't stay in the closet. Show them who a gay person is. Be open, loving, and honest. Straight people have the power, so we need to create more straight allies.

Carol said we can write letters to those in authority and express our feelings. Acknowledge that it is a difficult issue for them as well as us. Take the risk to have the hard conversations with local leaders. Share your experiences.

Bill said he didn't have any thing else to say other than that he had great gratitude; that his life has been enriched by the goodness, morality, decency, and love of his gay and lesbian friends. He said his wife said, "Every mother deserves to have at least one gay son."

A congregant said that it begins with us and our allies. There are people in the Church that the Church doesn't know what to do with, and we need to help them figure it out.

At the end of the session, we took another break and then went back for what turned out to be one of my favorite meetings of the day.

The Concluding Session was conducted by an active LDS Bishop named Kevin Kloosterman. He is bishop in a ward in Illinois and flew out here especially for the conference.

He thanked John Dehlin for "seeking out the one." He asked, Isn't it our job as Christians to nurture and love and care for one another?

He said when we do our homework, we will receive inspiration. He talked about his own paradigm shift. He said we can't be Levites and priests (referring to the story of the Good Samaritan) and just shake our heads and walk by. Love unfeigned means no caveats, no strings, no qualifiers. Allies need to walk with their straight loved ones.

He also gave a good talk at Sunday's session, which I was not able to attend, but I have read the transcript, which is here.

After Bishop Kloosterman's talk, a guy sang a song called "Blessing." I didn't care for the song itself, but I did like the sentiment, which seemed to be the yearnings of this person for those around him to give his love for another man their blessing.

After the song, we had a kind of testimony meeting. I really enjoyed that part of the conference. It was definitely a testimony meeting, but an unorthodox one compared to regular sacrament meeting testimony meeting. I liked it a lot. There was such a wide range of people: active straight Mormons, active gay Mormons, non-practicing gay Mormons, non-Mormons, atheists, people with hard feelings towards the LDS Church, people who had reconciled their feelings with the Church, etc. All sorts of people, and it was just great to hear everyone's experiences and where they stood in their faith or spirituality or sexuality. Throughout, it was so interesting for me to see where various people were on their particular journeys.

Here are just a few thoughts from various people who "bore their testimonies":

- God is love. Am I living a good life today? Isn't that what it's about?

- It's a privilege to bear a testimony of sorts when you no longer can as an excommunicated member (boy, can I relate to that!) Feelings of anger, bitterness, and resentment, while often justifiable, are also soul-destroying and ultimately unhealthy.

- A guy said he came to the realization that something he struggled with for so long never needed to be a struggle. God loves us and is aware of us and cares where we're going.

- It's okay that we're gay.

- One straight lady just said, "All of you are so beautiful," and I really felt the truth and power of her words. We are. It's true. She said, in regards to how homosexuals are often thought of and treated in the Church, "I won't accept it. God is love. When two people love each other, God is there. Truth is there."

- One boy said, "I just want to be home," meaning he wanted to be what God's true church is supposed to be. He gave an analogy of how there was no space for Mary and Joseph when they went to Bethlehem, so they created their own space in the stable, and that space has come to be one of the most beautiful and sacred spaces in all of Christendom. He said he could create that same kind of space for us.

-One girl stood up, and I sensed a lot of unhappiness and conflict within her. She seemed overwhelmed and unable to talk at first. The silence as all ears were tuned to her was very loud. It made me feel the love and care we as a group had for her and her welfare. (Attention was paid to her.) She lamented that in her prayers she would tell the Lord, "I don't know what to do. (a refrain I remember well from my own prayers when I was at the stage she is in of her journey). She felt the Lord say to her, "Do what makes you happy. You are my child." She talked of how her family isn't very supportive and in quite conservative and how much she wanted to come to this conference and how she couldn't afford it, but that her cousins paid for her to be there and even drove her there.

- We create our life and experiences. We are creators of how we want to live.

- One guy said he was an atheist who believes in God, so he knows what it's like to be in even more of a minority. Not sure how that works, but I don't doubt he was sincere.

- One self-described straight "pissed-off Primary lady" advised us (and herself) to be a part of the Mormon community on your own terms. Be the kind of Mormon you want to be. She said the love in the room was palpable and is what we are missing at church. If you don't feel loved at church, it's their loss. "We need what you have."

- If you strive to do the best you can, you are fulfilling the Creator's design. He called himself a "gay God in embryo." (That got quite a laugh.)

- An active woman whose daughter recently came out said she was thankful for all the wonderful drama in her life. She said God is bigger than the Church. There's a place for everyone. She loves the gospel of Jesus Christ and is grateful for every good thing she was taught in church.

- I believe it was a lesbian who helps run a gay support system at BYU who said, "There's no road map" for what she and her peers are doing. We're in uncharted territory, figuring it out as we go.

- John Dehlin closed by saying that as far as his own struggles, there are two things he can't deny: 1. There's meaning in life. Whether or not there is a God, he doesn't believe life is random, and so he has chosen to go on faith. 2. Whenever he worked towards a righteous goal, a higher power of some sort would come to his aid. He said he is just trying to do some good (and I believe he has done much good for many people). He talked about the toll Mormon Stories has sometimes taken on his family and thanked them for their support. He said that doing good does require sacrifice and comes at a cost. This conference all came from the idea of "what if we had a gay general conference," and John was so pleased at how well it came together because it was hard worked and required many people to pull it off, and that all that hard work would have meant little if we all hadn't shown up. He said, sure, we could plan a conference, but it only had validity if people showed up, and he thanked us for that. He said you don't have to abandon spirituality. Take a leap of faith. He quoted Jim Dabakis from the night before (a session I did not attend): "Find something you believe in, that fills you wish passion, that lights you up, and if you do, miraculous things will happen." If everyone did that, the world would change.

There was a closing prayer, and then we mingled and had pizza. I met a few people and had some really great experiences which are too personal to share here, unfortunately, but I left the conference feeling really good.

Two things particularly struck me: I felt such a love and spirit in those meeting that is sometimes lacking in regular LDS Church meetings, and I found that kind of sad. If it is indeed the "one true church," as it proclaims, why is that spirit sometimes missing? We need to work on that. (I guess they need to work on that; I'm no longer a member.) The other was that many who spoke and some of the organizers were all straight, and I found it touching that there are so many straight allies willing to reach out in an effort to help their gay and lesbian brothers feel more welcome, accepted, and understood. If they do a conference like this again, I would love to attend if I am able. I was fortunate to be able to do so this time around.