Saturday, April 16, 2011

Feeling Blue

By nature, I am generally a pretty upbeat, optimistic person. I don't get depressed very often. I have, however, been feeling a bit blue the past couple of days for a number of reasons.

I miss my husband and cats terribly. Since we had our commitment ceremony, I've actually spent more time away from my husband than I have with him due to my job. It's great to be employed doing what I enjoy for a living, but it is hard to be away from the guy I love and our "children." I was able to be with him for two months, the longest consecutive time we've been together since we had our ceremony, and that was really nice. We talk almost every single day, so it's good that we keep up an active communication, but of course it isn't the same as actually being together.

I also feel a bit of guilt that I'm missing out on that time with my spouse and our pets; time that we can never get back. Furthermore, one of our cats is particularly attached to me, and my absences have been really hard on her. She acts out whenever we leave and Jonah can tell she's depressed and anxious, and I feel it is my fault. It's even harder because I can't exactly explain to my cat, whom I love very much, why I keep abandoning her for months at a time. At least Jonah understands my reasons. My poor cat doesn't understand at all, and it hurts me to see her so upset by my absences.

I've also been depressed by my mother's memory loss. It isn't her fault; it's just part of her aging process, but it has been hard for me to watch her age. I'm sure it's equally frustrating for her as well. It's never easy to watch one's parents get older. My dad suffered several strokes that left him physically challenged and changed his personality. It wasn't always bad, but it was hard to watch a once vibrant man be struck down by his physical mortality.

Mom is doing well physically, but her short-term memory is pretty much shot, and I've noticed her sense of awareness is less sharp than it once was, and things confuse her more easily than they used to. Even parts of her long-term memory are not as reliable as they once were. She's been diagnosed with dementia, but happily, not Alzheimer's. She's still able to care for herself independently, but my siblings and I do worry that a day will come when she is not able to do so. When I'm working in Utah, I live with my mom, so I'm exposed to it most often, and it's just challenging sometimes. I admit, too, that I am not always as patient with my mother's mental challenges as I ought to be, and that makes me feel bad.

My mom is one of my very best friends, and I just want to know that she is well and taken care of. I also never want her to feel that she is a burden in any way because she isn't.

I've been feeling a bit stressed by other things as well - nothing of import, but I've just felt a bit agitated lately, and I'm not sure why.

I'm in rehearsals for a great show, and it's coming along very well, and is even a fun piece, but the last couple of days it has just felt more like a job to me than theatre normally makes me feel. I just miss that feeling of creating a piece of art with passion rather than just "grinding out the meat" to pay the bills. I wish I was feeling the enthusiasm I often feel when I do theatre, and it's strange that I don't because this is even a show I was really excited to be cast in.

Anyway, I'm sure it's all just a phase. I anticipate I'll bounce back again pretty soon. I always do.


Bravone said...

Sorry your feeling blue. You do look good in blue, however! I hope the funk passes soon. Thinking of you.

Miguel said...

Sorry about all that's going on. I can derstand the feeling of non-balance as everything compounds and hope it all passes soon!