Sunday, April 10, 2011

Why Do I Seem Happy? I'll Tell You.

I was browsing through a Deseret Book catalogue my mom received in the mail, and there was an advertisement for a teen-oriented book called Why? Powerful Answers and Practical Reasons for Living LDS Standards. The description talked about how the book delves into certain questions teens should ask themselves and answers that support the Church's stance on certain issues. It gave examples of some of the questions, such as "Why shouldn't I just 'try' alcohol, just to see what it tastes like?" or "Why is wearing two pairs of earrings such a big deal? Or is it?"

One question intrigued me: "Why do some people who break the commandments appear happy?" I thought to myself, "Maybe it's because they are." According to LDS Church doctrine, I am breaking pretty serious commandments by being in a sexual relationship with my partner, yet I can assure you, I am not unhappy. In fact, since I found Jonah and came out, I have been happier than I've been in a long time. Believe you me, I am not deluded or fooling myself. I am truly happy.

As I was sitting in church today the thought occurred to me that if my bishop (former bishop, I guess I should say) were to come up to me and ask me if I wanted to take steps to rejoin the church again, I would say that if it meant giving up my relationship with Jonah, not a chance! NOT. A. CHANCE.

It's funny how I was always taught that following the precepts of Mormonism would bring me a fullness of joy and happiness, yet it was choosing something that I was taught was wicked (my relationship with Jonah) that actually has given me that. I wouldn't give that up. If there are those who believe that means I'm choosing Jonah over God, so be it, but I do not see it that way at all. To my eyes, I have chosen both.

I still love many things about Mormonism and, as you can see, I still attend a Mormon ward pretty regularly. I also feel like I still get a lot out of attending the LDS Church. But my relationship with Jonah has brought me so much happiness, joy, and fulfillment, and coming out of the closet has given me so much peace of mind, comfort, sanity, and freedom, I just don't think I could give that up.

Why do I appear happy?

Because I am. I truly am.


AKgayN.LDS said...

While I split with my partner of a couple of years (there was more to it than religion) I know exaclty what you mean. The level of acceptance, understanding, and lack of stress while being with him was great. It makes me think at times if The Church really was the problem the whole time. I hope it works for you and you find real happiness.

AKgayN.LDS said...

While I left my partner of a couple years (more than religion played a part) I agree with your statements about how wonderful it is. The level of acceptance, understanding and love that is expressed is nice. The stress level in my life was reduced greatly. It was the first time I felt real in many ways. I hope you can figure it out and be happy. It amazes me you still attend church. Must be hard with everyone knowing. Not sure if I could handel that. Best of luck.