Apologies From Orrin

So about three weeks ago Senator Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) was in St. George and may the following statement at a town hall meeting: “Gays and lesbians don’t pay tithing; their religion is politics." His point was that "Republicans need to organize and pull together just as unions, environmentalists, personal injury lawyers and gay rights activists do for Democrat candidates." (the latter quote is from the Salt Lake Tribune article, not from Hatch himself).

When several people wrote Hatch and the newspaper that his quote about gays and lesbians was offensive, Hatch tried to clarify his statement by saying, “Many gay people are vociferous Democrats who are willing to pony up money for politics. That’s something I admire...I don’t know how I could have been much more complimentary the way I said it...There are some very, very good gay people who are very religious who undoubtedly pay tithing. That wasn’t what I was talking about. I was talking about politics and praising them for getting involved. I was making the point that they don’t just stand on the side, they actually support their Democratic candidates with their money.”

You can read about his apology here.

Even if that was Hatch's point, I thought the way he said it was careless and clumsy. Shortly after he said it, but before he had apologized for it, I wrote him a rather spirited, but polite letter indicating why it was offensive to me even understanding the context in which it was said.

Today I received a letter from Senator Hatch. It was not one of his usual form letters that he often sends when I bring up an issue with him, and it appears to have been signed by him instead of a stamp of his signature.

The letter said,

Dear [Cody],

Thank you for contacting me in reaction to a statement I made during a townhall meeting in Utah. I appreciate your sharing your views with me regarding this matter.

I apologize if you found my comments offensive, that was never my intent. My comments sought to demonstrate that many activist groups, such as the gay and lesbian community, are active in politics and contribute heavily to certain candidates. I recognize that my choice of words may not have been the best way to convey my point, but please know that I have the utmost respect for the members of the gay community. Furthermore, I recognize that religion plays an important role in the lives of many citizens regardless of their sexual orientation.

Again, thank you for writing.

Your Senator,

Orrin G. Hatch
United States Senator

Orrin Hatch and I rarely agree on much politically, and it is very unlikely that I will vote for him his next reelection ( I haven't voted for him the last two elections he was up for office); and those reasons for not reelecting him have little to do with this. I will say it takes a big man to apologize when he knows he has made a mistake, and I appreciate his writing me to clarify himself and to admit that his choice of words was not the best. I quibble with his having the "utmost respect for the members of the gay community" while he still continues to fight against gay-rights, but I thank him for his apology and consider this particular matter closed.

Progress?

The following letter was sent out to 60 or so stakes in southeast Idaho:

We live in a time of increasing difficulty and temptation. The world is relentless in its efforts to ensnare Latter-Day Saints. One particularly devastating and challenging trial faced by many members of the Church is same-gender attraction. This unwanted difficulty is increasingly common. While the percentage of individuals who embrace alternate lifestyles is small, nearly 10% of people experience feelings of sexual attraction to members of the same sex. The nature of this trial leads far too many of our members to become discouraged and abandon hope. Far too many fall away from the sweet peace that the Gospel can bring.

Recently, the First Presidency and other Leaders of the Church have made an effort to approach same-gender attraction with a new level of compassion and understanding. Elder Jeffery R. Holland wrote an article for the Ensign which was published shortly after the release of the new pamphlet God Loveth His Children. Reading these documents, it is clear that the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve recognize the need for us to reach out in love and understanding to those who experience same-gender attraction.

To that end, we have organized a fireside designed for all members of the Church: individuals who experience same-gender attraction and Priesthood Leaders, as well as every parent and friend in the church. We invite your stake or ward to participate in this unique opportunity. Please make an effort to let every member know about this invaluable learning experience. This special fireside will include specific instruction for you as Priesthood Leaders, for those who experience same-gender attraction, and for friends and family. Presenters will include Priesthood Leaders and Mental Health Professionals. We are also honored to announce that Ty Mansfield, world-renowned author of In Quiet Desperation, will be our feature speaker.

We've included a flier that could be posted in your buildings. We've also included an announcement to add to your bulletin for the next couple of weeks. Additionally, we encourage you to consider announcing this event from the pulpit. Perhaps you are aware of individuals who would benefit from this fireside; they would most-likely benefit from a special personal invitation for them to attend.

Thank you sincerely for your efforts in reaching out to those who struggle daily with this incredibly difficult and often misunderstood challenge. As we all strive to increase our understanding and compassion, we will be better able to offer the Christ-like love and support so desperately needed.

You know, when I was struggling so hard with fighting against my homosexual feelings and trying to be a good member of the LDS Church and feeling alone because I didn't feel like the Church was doing much to help people like me, this letter probably would have been a welcome one. Now I have some problems with it.

Although I admire the fact that church leaders are doing more to deal with this issue in a more compassionate way, in some ways it feels too little, too late. But I do at least support the fact that those who are struggling with this issue have an outlet of sorts, although in the long run I wonder if it does more harm than good.

I know there are a fraction of people that have been able to live with their homosexual attractions and still live as fully worthy members of the LDS Church. Many of these people are married and making those marriages work the best they can. Many feel this is their cross to carry and are doing it as best they can. I admire their tenacity and devotion to what they believe they must do.

Ultimately, I was one of those people who couldn't do it and no longer want to do it. To each his own, but I think things like this may give people like I once was false hope that they can change or overcome something which, in my mind, is truly difficult, if not impossible, to overcome and which maybe is something that isn't really meant to be overcome. Of course, I can only speak for myself, but when the Church teaches that if a person has enough faith and lives worthily enough and prays hard enough, God will provide a way for that person to overcome or at least live with the challenge; and that doesn't end up happening, it can make a person feel very hopeless, depressed, guilty, sorrowful, frustrated, and make them wonder what is wrong with them. As someone who has been on both sides, that was a miserable way to live, and I'm happy that is no longer my life.

The letter says "too many of our members to become discouraged and abandon hope. Far too many fall away from the sweet peace that the Gospel can bring." Why does that happen, and why so often? Maybe it's because many of these people (to sort of paraphrase Spencer W. Kimball) knock on the door until their hands are mashed to a bloody pulp and their bodies are so ravaged with the aches and pain of trying to get the blasted door open and they are filled with doubt that God even wants them to even open the door at all. Maybe it's because they discover another door to open; one that makes life far more joyful and fulfilling. Maybe it's because they feel lied to and betrayed, whether intentionally or not.

But I do appreciate the sentiment of the letter. I appreciate the fact that they acknowledge that it is "incredibly difficult and often misunderstood challenge." I appreciate that they are asking members of the church to "reach out in love and understanding" to their gay brothers and sisters. I appreciate that this issue isn't being swept under the rug as much as it once was. I appreciate that church leaders are becoming more educated and compassionate about it. I appreciate that the LDS Church has evolved somewhat as far as this subject is concerned (although I still feel they have a ways to go). Progress is slow, but when I think of where the Church was on this issue 20 or 40 years ago, and where they are today, it gives me hope that 20 years from now or 40 years from now, the LDS Church's attitude toward gay people will have evolved into even a better place.

8: The Mormon Proposition

The documentary, 8: The Mormon Proposition was released in Salt Lake City today. I actually had the opportunity to see it a week ago at the LGBT film festival, "Damn! These Heels!" It actually got a very good review in the Salt Lake Tribune today, which you can read here. While I think the movie is generally well-made and worth seeing, I didn't really agree with everything in Sean P. Means' review.

This review by George Lang is more in line with my impressions of the film. While I thought the film made some very valid points about some of the somewhat underhanded things I felt the church did in the fight for Prop. 8, I also felt the film was not very even-handed in its portrayal of the LDS Church, and I also felt the film made some fallacious inferences that made me suspect the credibility of the film as a whole.

I completely believe that the LDS Church was heavily involved in the Prop 8 fight, and I also believe they did much to hide or disguise that involvement, which I found to be dishonest and underhanded and actually made me lose some respect for the way the LDS Church dealt with it. And, truly, I don't think the LDS Church should have gotten involved in the fight at all. I also think some of the things local leaders and certain ward members did (particularly in California) were mishandled and wrong. I was upset with the LDS Church quite a bit when the whole Prop. 8 thing was going on. So I get the anger. I get the annoyance. I get the frustration.

That being said, to me the film feels extremely biased and doesn’t feel objective at all. And maybe that was the point, but I don’t think it does much to build bridges or create useful dialogue or endear gay-rights opponents (particularly Mormon ones) to the gay rights cause. And maybe that isn't the point (although some of the filmmakers were at the showing I saw and claimed that they did want the film to be a tool to help bring opponents to the side of gay rights; so if that is the point, I think the film may bring some, but alienate others, particularly Mormons). But really, I feel all the film does is rile up the people who are already on the side of the filmmakers, and if the goal is to help create a dialogue, I'm not sure it has succeeded.

In my opinion, the film often feels like a political ad where scary-sounding music and quotations taken out of context and blurred and grainy black-and-white images of the politician’s opponent are used to make the viewer see the opponent in a negative light. In this case, the Mormon Church is the opponent.

That being said, I did like the human-interest angle the film took, using a very sympathetic gay couple as the face of what happens to individuals when rights are denied. And as I have stated, I do think some of the methods the LDS Church used were somewhat underhanded and less-than-honest, so I think some very valid points were made. I also, like many gay people, was very upset and troubled with my church’s involvement in the issue at all, and I do, indeed, believe, that it was largely due to the LDS Church’s influence in the matter that the measure ended up passing. I also think it’s fair to show the negative history the LDS Church has when it comes to the issue of homosexuality. So again, I get where the anger comes from, and I can understand why the filmmakers would choose to deal with the issue from the angle in which they did.

But it equally troubles me when the filmmakers portray the LDS Church in the same fear-mongering manner which gay-rights opponents used in their commercials regarding gay people and the issue of gay marriage. It troubles me when a quote from a Mormon General Conference is taken out of context and made to sound sinister. Or when a quote is taken out of context from the book, In Quiet Desperation, and made to sound like Stuart Matis’ parents were overjoyed that their gay son killed himself when, in fact, they loved their son very much and that the quote really referred to a peace they felt that their son was freed from some of the anguish he was feeling in his life due to his personal struggles with his religion and his sexuality. I’m not saying the LDS Church doesn’t share some blame in his suicide; I’m just saying the quote inferred something very different from how I believe it was intended. I also find the film suspect when it infers that the anti-group America Forever is sanctioned by the LDS Church when, in fact, the LDS Church has denounced them and, to the best of my knowledge, the founders of the group are not even LDS themselves even if they infer they are.

In any case, I did have mixed feelings about the film, and it also did not help that an angry lesbian kept shouting profanities every time a leader of the LDS Church said something she didn’t agree with. Like I say, I get her anger, but I didn’t feel her method of expressing it was particularly useful.

I also found it interesting that the producers of the film espoused that the film’s message was that of love and that they hoped it would inspire gay people to bring their Mormon family members to it and that it would hopefully bridge a gap. Well, I’m sorry, but many Mormons hold their religion in as high a regard as gay people hold their rights, I know many members of the LDS Church who would likely be offended to see their church attacked in the way it was in this film and certainly wouldn’t help bridge a gap for them. Like I said, I have mixed loyalties and mixed feelings about the film. I am just as equally troubled about the LDS Church's methods in regard to this situation as I am about some of the rhetoric that paints the LDS Church more unfairly than perhaps they deserve. Or maybe it's that I think that even though there may be just cause for gay-rights proponents to attack the Church, it would have been nice to see them take a higher road than some of the people they are attacking.

I did find it interesting that I heard a gay couple commenting on having similar feelings about the film that I had. I do stress that I think the movie is definitely worth a view, but I do think at times it’s just as heavy-handed as a Michael Moore film (whose opinions I sometimes agree with, but he still goes overboard and too far at times).

Other films I saw at the festival, by the way, were Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work. Joan Rivers’ comedy has never been my style. I often find her comedy dirty or offensive. She has every right to do what she does, and I will freely admit she was a groundbreaking comedienne, but her style isn’t my cup of tea. I also feel like she emanates a lot of anger and ugliness, and I freely admit that I feel she has become a parody of herself. So I was delighted that this documentary allowed me to get to know Joan Rivers as a human being and actually made me feel some empathy and compassion for her. It also helped me see her in a whole different light and made me feel that my judgments of her were not wholly correct.

The movie itself was actually quite funny and touching, and I loved seeing how insecure and alone Joan Rivers is in many ways. I don’t know – I just saw a beauty in Joan Rivers that her exterior had caused me to miss. I was grateful for that. The movie is very much worth seeing.

I also saw a lesbian-themed movie called The Owls, which I found very disjointed and somewhat pointless. I didn't care for it. Maybe it would have hit me differently if I were a lesbian; I don't know.

I saw a film starring James Franco called Howl, which was about the life of poet Allen Ginsberg. I actually found it quite interesting and also liked its themes about censorship and allowing people to express themselves. It had a great cast, including Franco, Jon Hamm, David Strathairn (a personal favorite of mine), Mary-Louise Parker, and Jeff Daniels. It was a little different, but I enjoyed it.

Then I watched a documentary about William S. Burroughs, one of Ginsberg’s contemporaries. It was interesting that the man who introduced the film talked about how he had been surprised by how crazy, perverted, and drug-addled Burroughs had been, but that’s not what I got at all. In spite of his faults and flaws and hard exterior, Burroughs was revealed in the film as having more insecurity, love, and compassion than he might have appeared to have. It’s always interesting to me that two people can see the same thing and yet find two completely different meanings. And perhaps that's how people will feel about 8: The Mormon Proposition as well.

The final film I saw was a really funny zombie movie called Zombies of Mass Destruction which actually masked a deeper theme about tolerance and judging others. I thought it was hilarious, and it was actually my favorite film that I saw.
I wanted to see some other films on Sunday, the last day of the festival, but I was tired, and I ended up getting invited to watch the Tonys at a friend's house. I enjoyed hanging out with friends, but the Tonys themselves were kind of blah this year.

It was fun to go to the festival, and it made me think of how my life has changed and how comfortable and happy I am to be a gay man. Years ago I would have been petrified to attend something like that for fear that someone would discover my secret, but now it feels so natural and comfortable.

I actually like being gay. I like being who I am. When I think of years past when I hated myself or when I was constantly guarded; when I think how afraid I was that somebody would discover the truth about me; when I think about how alone I felt; when I think of the guilt and unworthiness I felt simply for failing to be what I thought I was supposed to be; when I think about how uptight I was; when I think about how I used to wish I were dead; when I think about the stress and worry it was causing me to think that I would be disappointing my friends and family; when I think about all the conflict and angst I felt; when I think about how I never felt like I could say what I really felt; when I think about the tears I shed and how I felt like a failure as a follower of Christ, and then when I look at how comfortable and happy and peaceful and free I feel now, I am so happy to be who I am. Years ago I would have given anything not to be gay. Now I think that even if Heavenly Father appeared to me today and told me he could make me straight, I would decline his offer, I think.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for today.

The God I Believe In

I happened to run across this short gay/Mormon-themed film called The Blessing on YouTube last night, and it typifies the Father and Supreme Being I personally know and believe in. It's in two parts here, but will only take about 15 or so minutes to watch.

I'll wait while you watch it, and then I'll make some points. And do watch it before you read the rest of this post because you're about to get a bunch of spoilers.





At the beginning of the movie, it says it is based on a true story, and although I know there are people in the LDS Church who would absolutely insist that something like this could never happen and would insist that God is "straight down the line" in his dealings and would allow no exceptions, I believe in a Father who would allow the kind of exception that is portrayed in this movie. I do not believe an incident like this could ever be the norm in the LDS Church, but I like to think that Heavenly Father was using this as a teaching example for all involved. I believe it shows His love for ALL of His children.

It was important to the father that the gay son be involved; I think it was important for the gay son to maybe learn some humility and also perhaps rekindle a connection to something he had lost; it was important for the Bishop to learn to follow inspiration even if it means going against the grain; it was important for the other family members to learn humility and to accept their sibling/son as Christ would have. And notice that Heavenly Father didn't inspire anyone to let the gay son give the blessing, but to just be a part of it. And notice that the supposedly more worthy son did not end up taking part in the blessing (a moment that kind of reminded me of the LDS Church-produced movie, The Prodigal Son, a modern retelling of the Bible story where the "good" son, who remained true to his father, resents the prodigal son, who has wandered, but has now repented; and the wife of the son who remained true helps him realize that he has his own sins to repent of; that none of us are truly worthy without the atonement of Jesus Christ).

I also liked how sympathetically the Bishop in the movie is portrayed. He's kind of like many Bishops I have dealt with myself who understand when the letter of the law and when the spirit of the law need to be applied.

I know there are some who think that an unworthy Priesthood holder (or one who didn't even hold the Priesthood) would never be allowed in the circle, but I think about people who appear on the outside to be very worthy Priesthood holders who give blessings unworthily, and I don't believe in a Heavenly Father who would deny a faithful blessing receiver a blessing simply because the giver of it was unworthy. After all, it's God's power that ultimately supplies the blessing, not the words or power of the actual people involved (although I certainly think the faith of the people involved can be instrumental to the outcome; but I also know I once received a very great and profound blessing at a time when I was both unworthy and faithless, so even then God's power overrides all, in my opinion).

Anyway, the movie really illustrated a point I made in my last post about possible exceptions God might make. And I do believe they are exceptions. It comes back, however, to a point that was made to me by my Stake President shortly before I was excommunicated and a point that was illustrated in a one-man show I saw recently which talked about a gay man's experience with Mormonism and his homosexuality in that I think that Heavenly Father is bigger than the Church or the human beings who are in it. Men are fallible. Heavenly Father is not. Men have limited sight. Heavenly Father sees all. Men are judgmental. Heavenly Father has perfect judgment.

The Being that I feel I know and love is the kind of being that would allow for what occurred in this film. It would be the exception, but He would allow it.

I also saw another short film on YouTube as well called Voicings by the same writer/director. I enjoyed that one, too, but The Blessing is the one that really illustrated the point I wanted to make about how I view our Father's compassion and mercy.

Happy Anniversary (And I Do Mean Happy)

A year ago today I was excommunicated from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (of which you can read about here if you are not already familiar with my story). I've been reflecting about what impact that has had on my life. As far as the eternal consequences, I cannot say what impact it has had. I guess I will find that out on the other side.

I can tell you, however, how it has impacted me in mortality. If anything, life is better. Life is happier. I must admit, I was somewhat surprised that this has been the case. After all, in Mormon culture one is told and taught that excommunication is a terrible thing, and I suspect there is a large percentage of Mormons who don't believe that a person could possibly be happy outside of the Church. I have not found this to be the case at all. We are also sometimes led to believe that if we are excommunicated, we lose the full fellowship of the Holy Ghost. If that is true, then I never had it to begin with because I have not noticed any significant change in my spiritual connection to God or to the Spirit since being excommunicated. I still feel very much in tune with spiritual promptings and perhaps even more so.

It was interesting; at church yesterday one of the men who was at my church court - a man I have known for quite some time and who I genuinely like and respect - was speaking. The main theme of his talk was trusting in the Lord. One of the things he said struck me somewhat. He said (and I am paraphrasing here) that often because we rely on our own wisdom rather than the Lord's commandments and perfect knowledge, we go astray whether because of pride or rebelliousness or faithlessness or because we would rather have temporary happiness rather than eternal joy, and we are not trusting in the Lord enough. I know he believed very firmly what he was saying and who knows, maybe he's right. However, it got me to thinking about a quote from one of my very favorite plays, Inherit the Wind where the defense attorney, Henry Drummond says, in reference to his client, Bertram Cates, "What if a lesser human being - a Cates, or a Darwin- has the audacity to think that God might whisper to him? That an un-Brady thought might still be holy?" Basically, the quote refers to the fact that a human being may receive inspiration from God that does not fall in line with the prevailing authority.

I guess what I'm trying to say was that as this brother was giving his talk, I was thinking to myself, "I am trusting in the Lord. I am doing exactly what I feel he has inspired me to do even if that doesn't fall in line with what I've been told I must do by church leaders." Of course, the line of thinking in the LDS Church is that whether it be through God's voice or the voice of his servants, it is the same. Whatever the apostles and prophet teach or tell us, it is just as if it comes from Heavenly Father Himself. No personal revelation given to us can supersede what the prophet has given as counsel for the Church. So as far as Mormon doctrine is concerned, I have gone astray. I have not trusted in the Lord or his servants. I am delusional and misled. I have been fooled by the adversary.

Okay, fine. People can think that. But here's what I do know: I am undoubtedly happier and more at peace than I ever was before I found Jonah and came out of the closet. My life is richer in so many ways than it was when I was trying so hard to live my life the way LDS doctrine had always taught me to live it. I actually feel closer to God now than I used to. Instead of begging God to release me from this mortal coil because I was too miserable to continue, I have come to a place where I am so grateful for all that is in my life, and cherish the life and the partner I have now. Instead of feeling alone and sad, I feel so much love and joy in my partnership with Jonah. Instead of constantly putting on this false facade of trying to be a person I never felt I was, I am finally relieved of the stress and unhappiness it was causing because now I'm free to be me. Instead of feeling this intense pressure of living up to the church's idea of who I'm supposed to be and the ensuing guilt that came when I failed to do so, I feel such peace and harmony and balance in my life because I am no longer beholden to that ideal.

I'm sure there are those who would say this is just temporary happiness or that I am misguided and that regardless of what I feel, I am still living in sin. Fine. Think that. I just know this is the right path for me. Satan cannot create happiness or joy, and these are the things I feel, so I believe they must come from God. I am absolutely assured that God is happy that I am happy, and I feel His guiding hand very much in my life with Jonah. I truly believe that God would rather I be where I am now than where I was, and I'm sticking to that belief.

I was thinking about this the other day. An example of a hard-line commandment is "Thou shalt not kill." There it is in black and white. It's one of the Ten Commandments. Murdering someone is one of the most serious sins in the scriptures. Killing someone takes away their free agency. But are there exceptions to that commandment? What about times of war? What about self-defense? What about the greater good (like when Nephi killed Laban)? What about executing a criminal? Is it then no longer murder? Who is the ultimate judge over whether it's a sin or not? Well, I guess that would be our Father.

So are there exceptions to other commandments? I know what some people will think; that this line of thinking is simply my rationalization of sin. Well, fine. Think that. That doesn't stop me from believing that God has very much guided me on the path I am currently on and that, ultimately, His final judgment supersedes anything else. When I think of the paths I could have gone on (marrying a woman and perhaps having kids; living alone and celibate for the rest of my life; killing myself; or being in this relationship with Jonah), I am convinced this was the best and happiest choice for me personally. That's not to say that it is the best choice for everybody in a similar situation to mine, but I know it was the right choice for me. I am convinced of that more and more each day of my life with Jonah.

At work the other day, I was in a discussion with five friends about Mormonism. Five of us grew up in Mormon households and one grew up in a different faith. Four of us are gay. One of us is now an atheist. Two of us went on missions. One was never active in the church. Four of us were active in the church at various points in our lives, and I am the only one who has been excommunicated and am also the only one who still attends a Mormon ward on a regular basis. Needless to say, it was a very interesting conversation.

Until this discussion, the only people I had told about my excommunication were my family members and a few very close friends. Upon learning of my excommunication, the non-member was very troubled and saddened by it, which is exactly why I haven't told many people. I don't want people to feel bad for me or sorry for me or view the LDS Church negatively because of it.

One of my friends said, "So you've been excommunicated and you still attend church?" "Yes," I replied. "Why?" he asked. "What's the point?" It was a good question.

Why do I still attend the LDS Church? Why do I still defend a church that fights against gay marriage? Why am I still loyal and devoted to a religion that has basically "kicked me out of the club," so to speak? I'm not sure there is a simple answer to those questions, nor do I expect people who are not me to understand my answers.

I guess at my core I still believe in the essential truthfulness of the LDS Church. I have had spiritual experiences in my life that I cannot deny or forget or suppress that have made me feel this way. In spite of the fact that I feel unable to adhere to some of the doctrines I have been taught and in spite of my disagreements over how some church policies are carried out, I still have a testimony of the LDS Church.

Mormonism is very much a part of who I am, just as being gay is very much a part of who I am. Mormonism feels like home to me. I do not think I would feel at home in another religion, and I also think if I were to let go of my Mormonism, I would feel like I was abandoning a part of myself. And the fact of the matter is, I actually like going to church. I would even say I like going to church more and get more out of church than I did when I was a member on record.

I have said it before, and I will say it again: some of the best qualities and attributes I have I feel are very much due to the core beliefs I was taught as a Mormon. My atheist friend said that I am one of the people he likes and admires most in this world (which was very flattering), but that he thinks I would have been as good of a person as he feels I am whether or not I had been raised a Mormon. While that was nice of him to say, I think I disagree. Some of the experiences I have had as a Mormon have shaped the kind of person I am and have given me some of the best qualities I have as a person (I would daresay I feel the same way about my homosexuality). I still feel I owe a lot to the religion I was born and raised in. I still feel a strong sense of loyalty to the LDS Church, although I am also certainly quick to voice my opinion on those things in Mormonism that trouble me.

There is also a small (and perhaps selfish) part of me that continues attending to show those who know I have been excommunicated that I am still the same person that I have always been. In a way, it's almost like a silent protest - a way of saying "Yes, I am a gay man, but I am still the person and member you have always known."

The brother who gave the aforementioned talk said to me as he was leaving, "I'm so glad to see you here." I'm not sure if he was saying it was just good to see me in general or if he was saying that it was good to still see me at church in spite of the choices that led me to my excommunication. But however he meant it, I thought to myself, "Where else would I be?"

I know there are those who do not understand my decisions. I know there are still others who do not approve of my decisions. I know I am still a conundrum to many. I don't care. All I know is I am where I am supposed to be in my life, and I am happy with my choices. If there ever comes a time when things aren't to my liking, perhaps I will change my course. But right now I am happy, content, joyful, and at great peace. If my life continues on the course that I'm on, I will have few regrets.

My First Pride

I went to my first Gay Pride festival today. I've never really had an interest in attending Gay Pride, primarily because I dislike crowds and, secondly, because I often get the impression that Gay Pride is more about partying, debauchery, and pushing people's buttons than it is about simply showing pride in who you are. That may be a false impression, nor do I judge those who use Pride in that manner; it just doesn't represent who I am as a gay person.

The only reason I even went to Pride this year was because the cast from the show I'm doing this summer was performing some numbers for the festival, which not only promotes the show, but celebrates Gay Pride; plus we got in for free. It was completely voluntary, and being the antisocial person I am, I usually don't participate in stuff like that, so I surprised myself when I eagerly chose to participate this time. This is the first Pride I've witnessed in my life since I was excommunicated (in fact, my excommunication anniversary is coming up), and I guess before I was excommunicated, I still had that feeling of remaining true to my duty as a member of the LDS Church and somehow, attending Pride didn't seem like the thing to do. Now I don't feel so beholden to my religion, and I felt free to attend without any extra baggage.

I still don't think Pride is my bag (too many people for my taste), but I will admit it was enjoyable. It was just nice to see people being themselves and having a good time and knowing that no one around them was judging them for it. I loved seeing all the children and pets and families and gay couples holding hands and straight people supporting their gay loved ones. It all seemed so normal (as well I think it should be; would it were that way everywhere). And while, yes, there were some examples of the kind of stereotypical people and activities associated with Gay Pride (drag queens, men wearing very little, protesters, effeminate men yelling things like "We're here, we're queer, get used to it!" (which sounded so cliché to me today), angry lesbians, strange people, etc., they seemed to be in the minority, and I was really pleased that most people there just seemed relatively normal and I didn't feel out of place or anything. I was also impressed with how low-key most people seemed. It just seemed like people we're there to celebrate who they are and enjoying each other's company without getting all "in-your-face" or antagonistic about it.

I found it somewhat ironic that I had attended Sunday School and Testimony Meeting in my home ward and then went straight to Gay Pride, and it also made me wonder how many people there had grown up Mormon and what had their experiences been like? How did they feel about the LDS Church now? I also thought about the facade we sometimes put on as church members pretending that all is well in Zion and living these "Peter Priesthood/Molly Mormon" lives on the outside when there are so many things going on in our lives that our fellow members never see. That also made me think about some of the outrageous things some gay people do to overcompensate for their pride in their homosexuality. I admired the fact that people were being themselves without fear at the festival. One black guy in a kilt was just dancing to the beat of his own drummer. One guy was walking around in cut-offs and heels. Normal-looking couples were just holding hands. Even though I don't necessarily understand each individual's experience, I admire the fact that they have the guts to just be who they feel they are. So many of us hide behind facades in misery.

But that also made me think of the genuine people in my own home ward. My old bishop bore his testimony today, and I looked at him in awe and thought to myself, "This man truly is one of the best followers of Christ I know." He is completely genuine and humble and nonjudgmental and is exactly who he appears to be. It was interesting to see the kind of strange, but apt parallels between a Mormon church ward and a Gay Pride festival, and as a friend said to me today, "It's too bad they're mutually exclusive. It's too bad these two worlds can't come together somehow." I think there are examples of individuals from both sides coming together, and I certainly think both sides are making progress, but I wish Mormonism and homosexuality could somehow reside together unified.

Anyway, I had a good time today. Not sure I feel the need to go again. If I do, I hope Jonah and I can do it together. I really missed him today.

Oh, and by the way, one thing I do not get yet: Gay Republicans. They had a booth set up, and I just thought, "What an oxymoron!"

Goodbye, Melanie

About three hours ago I found out that an old friend of mine had died of cancer this morning. Just two days ago I found out that she was even sick and had only weeks to live. I guess God decided to take her a little earlier than her doctors had estimated. Needless to say, I am in shock. Melanie was younger than me by a couple of years, and she and her husband had only been married for two. She was a young, vibrant, strong-willed woman, and I am saddened by her passing.

I guess one thing that has been hard about this was that Melanie and I had lost touch over the years. There was no particular reason for that. It just happened.

I met Melanie in 1997 when I was working for a theatre company in California. We were in The Sound of Music together. She was in the ensemble and I was Uncle Max. The two of us developed a close friendship. Part of that stemmed from the fact that we were both Christian and didn't drink or smoke or sleep around like some of our fellow co-workers. I'm not judging my other coworkers, honest! It was just nice to have someone to talk to that I related to. She was of a different faith than I and, actually, had some misconceptions about Mormons when I met her.

At the time I met Melanie, I was still in the closet and trying hard to like girls. She and I hung out as friends, although I know she wanted more. Melanie was a good friend, but I wasn't at all attracted to her physically nor at the time did I feel an interfaith relationship would work, so I declined her advances. Still, we were good friends. She made feel good about myself and instilled confidence in me at a time when I was feeling somewhat insecure.

There are two things I fondly remember about her. One was that I remember going to a coffee shop with her late one night. We played Star Wars Monopoly, and I kicked her butt. Then we stayed at the coffee shop just talking for hours into the morning until it was so late (or early) that we had to go home to get some sleep. The other thing I remember was taking a trip with her to Anaheim and L.A. We went to the Movieland Wax Museum in Anaheim, a place I had fondly loved as a child, and then we went to Hollywood and went to Grauman's Chinese Theatre. I remember it was shortly after Frank Sinatra had died because his block of cement had flowers all around it. We also took a walk on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and lay down on the ground next to the stars of celebrities we liked and took each others pictures. I still have those photos and was looking at them a couple of hours ago, remembering my vibrant friend.

I later started dating a mutual friend and felt guilty because I knew Melanie had been interested in me, and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I think she was a bit hurt, but she was cool about it, and I always admired the fact that she took the high road and that we still remained good friends.

Eventually, I left my job in California and moved back to Utah, and Melanie and I continued to email each other and update each other on the goings-on in our respective lives. Somehow, that dissipated after a few years. Like I said, there was no particular reason. It just happened as it sometimes does. Semi-annually I did send mass email updates out to all my friends, including her, and I assume she received them. Every once in a while I would hear an update from her from a mutual friend. When my ex-girlfriend told me that Melanie had become engaged to the guy she eventually married, I was so happy for her because I knew that was something she really wanted, and I was glad that she had found, by all accounts, a man she loved who loved her in return.

Two days ago my ex-girlfriend (who now lives in Missouri) informed me that she, herself, had just found out that Melanie was dying and knew that I would want to know. I no longer had Melanie's phone number, but still had an email for her and wrote her telling her how much her friendship had always meant to me and that I was sorry we had lost touch. It is doubtful she ever read it. From what I understand, these last couple of days she was weak and bedridden. Her breathing was very shallow this morning, and the only time she opened her eyes was when her husband said, "I love you, Mel."

I am sure Melanie knew how much I valued her and her friendship at a time when I especially needed it, but it would have been nice to tell her one last time before she passed. It reminded me how much we need to let people know how we feel about them while they're still here.

I guess what I lament the most is the fact that her husband, who loved her so much, lost her so quickly and so soon. He said he had lost his best friend, and that got me to thinking about how much I love my partner, Jonah.

In my last post or so, I think I mentioned I was unemployed and back in Vegas with Jonah. That only lasted three weeks. I then got a surprise job offer to do a show in Utah. Jonah and I both agreed I should take it, and although I am very grateful for the job, I was looking forward to a summer with Jonah, and I miss him a lot. My friend's sudden death reminded me just how valuable Jonah is to me and how much I wish we could spend more time together. He is one of the most important people to me. I also thought of my mom, who is getting up in years, and who is one of my best friends. Although she is healthy, I also know that relatively it won't be too many years before she is gone as well. And I know I will see all my loved ones again, but Melanie's death reminded me how precious the relationships we have with our loved ones are.

I made the mistake of watching a somewhat emotional episode of the TV show "Friday Night Lights," and I just started crying; not over Melanie, per se, but because I was so, so happy that I have Jonah in my life. I was reading through the new issue of The Ensign today and read an article about agency, and it, of course, was saying that we must use our agency wisely and that when we disobey the commandments, we become captive to wickedness, and as I read that I thought to myself, "I can definitively say with no regret that I am glad I used my agency to be with Jonah even if it meant sacrificing my membership in the church." Perhaps that sounds awful, but it's how I feel. Jonah has made my life richer and brought me so much happiness and joy that I never felt when I was trying so hard to be a "good" member.

I still go to church. I still love many things about the church. I still maintain a great deal of loyalty and praise for the religion I grew up in. But I do not regret my relationship for Jonah one bit, and how that plays out in the eternities is up to God, but I know I feel true happiness in my relationship with Jonah, and true happiness does not come from the adversary.

Thanks, Melanie, my old friend, for bringing so much light into my life and into the lives of so many others. I know I will see you again some day. I was blessed by your presence. I know your light still shines. My prayers to your husband and your respective families. God bless you all.

Love,

Cody.

Getting To Know Them...From Afar

So I'm finally back home in Las Vegas at least for a while. I'm currently unemployed for the first time in years, and while I am concerned about the financial ramifications of not having a job, part of me is actually happy about it because it means I will at least be spending the entire summer with Jonah, and this will be the longest consecutive amount of time we have spent together since our commitment ceremony. I actually feel like a house-husband, and it's kind of nice. It makes me feel more married. Of course, I know I will get restless after a while if I am unable to find work, but for now, it feels like a blessing in some ways.

I arrived here about a week ago, and Jonah has put me to work. Saturday evening was his parents' 50th wedding anniversary, and Jonah has been doing much this past week in order to prepare for it, and, of course, he enlisted my help.

My relationship with Jonah's parents and family has been a complicated and rather abstract one. In the entire time I have known Jonah, I have only socialized with his family once (a Thanksgiving before we were even dating). I have really had no other interaction with any of them. I once attended a concert Jonah did and saw his parents and a sibling, I think, from afar, but never talked to them, and it was unlikely they were even aware of my presence. Truly, the only things I know about Jonah's family are what he tells me about them or the occasional voice I overhear when he's talking on the telephone. I have had a hard time keeping track of his siblings' names because I don't even know them except through him.

Sometimes the things Jonah tells me about his family and his mom, in particular, are not always positive things. Jonah's mom can be somewhat controlling and critical, and sometimes Jonah will vent to me his frustrations about her. In doing so, my view of her has always been a somewhat negative one. Some of his siblings attitudes about homosexuality are not favorable, and so I've often had a negative view about some of them as well. This is not necessarily Jonah's fault, but because I don't know any of them personally and because I have kind of preconceived notions about who these people are based only on what I know of them, but never having really interacted with them, I do carry a bit of baggage regarding them.

For this particular event (the anniversary party), it seemed to me that Jonah was doing an inordinate amount of work in comparison with that of his siblings. This is not to say that his siblings didn't do anything to contribute, but Jonah had the heaviest burden, in my opinion. And this seems to be par for the course in this family (at least based on my observations). Part of this, admittedly, is Jonah's fault, too. He has a very kind heart and also a desire to help and a drive towards making things as perfect as they can be, and sometimes I think others take advantage of that. In any case, I was a bit bothered by the fact that he seemed to be doing more work than everyone else.

I will also admit that I am, by nature, a lazy person. I freely admit that I do not like working, and so the amount of work this particular function required fell mostly on Jonah and, as a result, somewhat on me as well. Jonah kept me busy, and I admit I'd rather take it easy than work. ;-) But, of course, I tried to happily do the work I was given because I love Jonah, and I knew this was important to him, and my help was useful in decreasing his workload. Still, there was a slight feeling of resentment - not about the work itself, but about the fact that I was pouring energy into an event for people who, if they knew the full extent of my relationship with their brother and son, probably wouldn't want me there or accept me. And while most of time, this truth does not bother me all that much, for some reason I was feeling annoyed. I kept this to myself, however, not wishing to add to Jonah's stress at all. I also tried to remind myself that I was doing this for Jonah because I love him, not because of his family.

Saturday was quite a busy, busy day. The night before I had ironed 150 chair sashes, and while that may not sound like difficult work, my back and knees ached, and I was quite tired. Jonah and I also spent much of night loading our cars with all the decorations for the next day's festivities. The next day, we got up quite early to decorate the banquet room that Jonah and his siblings had rented for the party. Jonah is not one to go halfway on anything. He is a brilliant decorator, and could easily do it for a living if he so desired. He made and organized most of the decorations himself, and they were quite extensive. While I hand tied the sashes on each chair, Jonah proceeded to arrange centerpieces, candles, table aprons, party favors, etc. Happily, Jonah's friend from work came to help us. She did a lot as well, and I was grateful for it. I tied at least 100 of the 150 chair sashes, and it got monotonous after a while, but again, I reminded myself that I was doing this because of my love for Jonah even though negative thoughts about his family kept trying to worm their way into my mind.

After the sashes were all tied, I blew up helium balloons while Jonah's friend tied strings on them and Jonah arranged and set them. I actually used to blow up and tie balloons as part of a job many years ago, so I was happy a much buried skill came into use again. By the time we had finished (and the time was growing short), the room looked absolutely gorgeous. Jonah has a real gift, and 100% of the way that room looked was due to his vision. That's one thing I admire about Jonah. I can only seem to see things as they actually are, but he has a real gift for seeing things as they could become.

I again felt a little resentful that not a single sibling had come to help us out (and perhaps Jonah didn't ask any of them to do so - I don't know). And it's true that one sibling had acquired the helium tank for the balloons; another had taken care of the cake; another took care of DJ duties during the party; and perhaps the others did things, too; and I know they all contributed to planning and paying for the event. Still, the room, the way it looked, and the hard work it took to make it that way was almost all Jonah, and I knew that even if his siblings appreciated the way it looked, they would never really know or appreciate how much work Jonah put into it, and because that is par for the course for a lot of the things Jonah does for his family, it really annoyed me.

Jonah had asked if I wanted to attend the party. He said he would be up at the dais table with his family and wouldn't be able to spend time with me, nor would I know anybody there, and he was afraid I would be bored or uncomfortable, but he left the choice entirely in my hands. I vacillated. Part of me felt a desire to get to know his family better...even if it was at a distance, and I also felt it might be nice to support my partner even if, again, it was at a distance. The other part of me thought I might feel awkward or uncomfortable being at a big, noisy party with a bunch of strangers and having to answer questions about who I was and why I was there. So I waited until almost the last possible minute before I made my decision: I wasn't going. The clincher for me, quite frankly, was that I was exhausted, and the thought of having to spend the next four hours at a huge party was not remotely exciting or desirable. I just wanted some quiet and some rest.

I told Jonah I was staying home, but we agreed that he would call me as the party was dying down to help take down decorations and clean up. I also agreed to clean the lower level of our house as his family would be coming to our house for a Mother's Day / anniversary breakfast. In truth, I felt like collapsing and sleeping, but I used the next few hours to sweep and mop our floors, vacuum, clean the counters, put away things, clean the bathroom, etc. I finally was able to relax, and my back, neck, knees, and feet were aching so bad that I actually started laughing in pain as I lay down. I didn't really get a nap, but it was nice to take it easy for the first time in a while. I'm sure Jonah was doubly exhausted.

Soon I made the drive back to the hotel where the party was being held. There were still a lot of people there, but things were winding down and the serving staff was starting to clear tables. Jonah gave me directions on things that needed to be done, and I was amazed at how much time it took to set it all up in comparison with how quickly we were able to dismantle everything and take it all down. While I was taking things down, one of Jonah's sisters (the one who I think would have the hardest time with my relationship with her brother) came up to me and said, "Thank you so much for all that you do for Jonah." Having never really met me before, it seemed odd that she would phrase it that way. She could have said, "Thanks for your help" or "Thanks for helping Jonah clean up," but she instead said, "Thank you so much for all that you do for Jonah," and it made me wonder if she knew more about me than I presumed she did. I still don't know the answer to that question, but the way she phrased her thank you had a positive vibe for me (more so than if she had said it another way), and for the first time I saw this particular sister as a person rather than the abstract idea of a person that she had previously been up to this point.

As I continued helping out, Jonah's mother, who I had literally seen only twice in my life, came up to me and said, "Thank you for helping Jonah." She had such a pleasant smile and demeanor and was obviously having a good time, and again, I saw this woman as a human being rather than my abstract ideas of who she was in my mind. I said to her, "My pleasure," and then asked her if she had had a good party. She replied that she had, and I thought silently to myself, "I can't believe I'm actually talking to this woman who in my mind I've created as an unlikeable woman. I can't believe she is talking to the son-in-law she doesn't even know she has. It was somewhat surreal, but in a good way.

Jonah noticed I had been talking to her and quietly asked what she had said to me. I almost jokingly said, "She asked if I was sleeping with you," but thought better of it and simply repeated what she had said to me. I continued to help out and other relatives or siblings gave me words of thanks, and I was really intrigued by how warm everybody was.

I did catch myself wondering how all these same people would have treated me if they knew just how deeply involved I am with Jonah, but for today, I accepted the kindness I was currently being given.

Jonah and I had the place cleaned up very, very quickly, and when we got home Jonah told me we would have to get up early and that his family would likely be here all day the next day. In a way, I was looking forward to it because it meant I would actually get to know Jonah's family on a one-on-one and more intimate basis, and frankly, I think Jonah, understandably, cares more about what they think than I do.

Sunday morning, Jonah got me up early even though I was beat, and we made final preparations for the large amount of family that would be attending our house for breakfast. I spent most of the time cooking, cleaning, washing dishes, taking out garbage, serving food, etc. But I did get to make small talk with some of his family and what I discovered is that they are pretty nice people overall. Perfect, no; but then who is? But I have made a lot of judgments about them without knowing them, and foibles aside, I found them, overall, to be warm and friendly people. Again, I'm not sure how they would treat me if they knew the full truth, but for today the way I treated suffices.

I was talking with another sister, who Jonah has told a bit about me, and she was asking me some questions about where I lived and if I was married, and I kind of hemmed and hawed my way through them when all of a sudden she got this look of realization on her face and very quietly and knowingly asked me, "Wait! Are you Jonah's 'friend?' " It was clear what she meant by "friend," and I somewhat sheepishly answered "yes, I am." She seemed flustered and apologized...for what, I'm not sure. For prying? For feeling embarrassed? For not realizing who I was? In any case, I told her she didn't have anything to be sorry about. She said, "I knew there was something. I could feel it." She asked me why I hadn't been at the party the previous night. I said I didn't want anyone to feel awkward and didn't want to intrude. She said, "You should have come. You should come to things." I kind of shrugged it off and she said something that surprised me, especially knowing how upset she had been initially when Jonah told her about me. She said, "You should come. Jonah's my brother, and I love him, and I've got to respect his decisions. The next time you come, okay?" In her own clumsy way, I felt she was saying that whether or not she agreed or understood Jonah's being with me that she realized I was a part of his life and, therefore, a part of hers, and that made me happy. Of course, she then whispered, "You know, when Jonah first told me about you I was hoping it would be like a shower and just wash off," which kind of ruined the moment, but still, I felt she was trying and that her intentions were good.

I also had quite an extended conversation with his mom, and although I think her reaction would be much different if she really knew what I was to her son, it was nice to just talk to her and get to know her as a human being rather than an idea. I still find her overly critical, a bit judgmental, and controlling, but for the first time since I've known Jonah, I also saw many of her good qualities, and for that I was thankful.

Jonah's brother and his wife were there as well. He is a pastor in the family's church, and has very black and white views about homosexuality. I met his wife helping Jonah set up decorations at their church last Christmas, and I found her likable. She also asked me why I hadn't been at the party the night before, and I said I didn't want to intrude on a family function. She pretty much said, "nonsense" and encouraged me to attend the next one, but there was something in the way she said it that made me feel she understood my relationship with Jonah and that if I was going to be a part of the family, I should actually be a part of the family. She never literally said any of that, but whatever she actually did say, that's what came through to me. Later, after everyone had left, I asked Jonah if she knew about us because I felt that she did and was giving me "permission" to come to things with Jonah. Jonah indicated that she did know and that while his brother (her husband) was far more conservative in his views on homosexuality and that Jonah is going to hell, she has a more liberal stance than he does, and I think he mentioned that she had had a dream (a big thing in the Pentecostal religion, it would seem) that had lightened her views on the matter. In any case, I felt a welcoming spirit coming from her.

I got a chance to talk a bit with one of Jonah's brothers (probably Jonah's closest brother), and he said he had really admired the work we had done on the decorations for the party and that he had been "very impressed." It was nice to see that Jonah's brother had, indeed, noticed and appreciated the work Jonah did.

I actually got to meet and see everyone in Jonah's immediate family except for one sister who lives out-of-state, and it was nice. I guess what I really learned from the experience was that there were more facets and dimensions to Jonah's family than I have given them credit for. I feel I have unfairly judged a group of people I don't really know simply based on my own prejudices and preconceived notions, and it was nice to get to know some of them on a deeper and more intimate level. I actually found Jonah's family to be very warm, welcoming, and friendly. Again, I don't know how all of them would treat me if they all knew the depth of our relationship, but that is for another day. What I do know is that yesterday they treated me well, and some of them knew or, I think, suspected the extent of my relationship with Jonah. It was just nice to see them all in a more positive light than I have previously given them credit for.

I played with Jonah's niece and cousin, chatted with various family members without feeling awkward or uncomfortable, and I think, made a good impression no matter what they know about me. About five or so hours into the proceedings, I started to fade, and Jonah told me to go upstairs and take a nap. I took a short nap and then read until everybody was gone.

Jonah and I had a nice talk about his family. He hopes his one sister doesn't blab about who I really am, but I also think his family has to be pretty stupid to not suspect who I am. Jonah suspects the majority of them won't react favorably, but also says that whatever happens, "It is what it is,' and that he can't control it, and under our roof, at least, we will continue to live as we please. I don't know what the future holds, but yesterday, at least, I had a surprisingly enjoyable time and my eyes and heart were opened towards Jonah's family in a way that they hadn't been before, and for that I am very grateful.

Jonah and I are exhausted. He's out cold right now, and I will soon follow. I'm thankful there are no big parties on the immediate horizon.

Dorothy Provine

If there has been a woman I have been attracted to, actress Dorothy Provine would certainly fit the bill. She died on Sunday, and I was sad to see her go.

Dorothy Provine had a relatively short acting career, pretty much retiring from acting after she married her husband, with whom she remained her entire life (and that, in itself, very much impresses me); but she starred in three of my favorite movies: 1963's It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World; and 1965's The Great Race and That Darn Cat.

There is a moment in The Great Race when she is flirting with Tony Curtis, and she crinkles her nose. In that moment, she looks so cute to me. There was just something about her that I really liked.

In It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World, she is probably the most sensible character in the movie and play straight woman to everybody else's zaniness and is the first to discover the "big W" (a very important plot point, for those of you who don't know the movie). I find her character her so endearing. I don't know what she was like in real life, but she radiates such a kind energy to me.

In That Darn Cat, she plays Hayley Mills' older sister. Incidentally, her coworker and wannabe boyfriend is played by Roddy McDowall, whom I also had a crush on (which tells you just how far my draw to Dorothy Provine is worth). I don't know. To me, she exudes both a toughness, but an innocent quality. At least, that's what I get.

Anyway, just wanted Dorothy to know that in spite of her short career, she made quite an impression on me.

Thanks, Dorothy. You will be missed.

Arizona's Immigration Law

I have mixed feelings, most of which are negative, about this new immigration law that Arizona has recently passed. While I understand the need to curtail illegal immigration, there's just a lot about this new law that rubs me wrong. In spite of the fact that many Arizona government officials deny that it will lead to racial profiling, I believe it will, and I think Hispanics, in particular, will be targeted. There may be illegals from other countries wandering around Arizona, but it will be dark-skinned people that will be singled out, and to me, that's not much different than Nazis stopping or detaining people simply because they suspect they're Jewish.

Now don't get me wrong. People who are here illegally shouldn't be here illegally and should go through proper legal channels to become citizens. I just think this law is the wrong way to go about halting illegal immigration. I also think we sometimes to make blanket judgments about illegal immigrants. True, many of them come into our country and take advantage of our system and bleed our resources without contributing much. But others are very hard-working and have only come to America in search of a better life than the one they left behind in some of the difficult countries they have come from. Many are supporting families and suffer abuse by our own citizens who take advantage of their illegal status. Many live in fear of being deported back to terrible places and are afraid to call the police or go to the hospital for fear of being found out. Many have tried to wade through the slog of bureaucracy to obtain legal status only to fail. And I'm sorry, but I think there is greater prejudice against illegal immigrants from Mexico or Muslim-based countries than there is toward illegals from some European countries, for example.

Yes, illegal immigration is a serious problem, and yes, something does need to be done about it, but there are a lot of issues involved, and there are human beings involved, and I'm not sure turning Arizona into a police state is the right answer. An informal poll says the majority of Utahns would be in favor of such a law as well. It just bothers me. It also bothers me that the same people who are against universal health care because of too much government interference are completely on board with any immigration reform, regardless of how much government is involved, so long as "those people" get out of our country.

Anyway, those are my thoughts.

Ethical Question

You're walking out of your apartment in the late afternoon on your way to work when you notice another car in your complex with its headlights on. You look around. There's no one in sight. You don't know who the car belongs to. As you look at the car, you notice that the driver's door is unlocked. Question: do you invade the owner's car without permission to turn off his or her headlights or do you respect the person's property even though there is the risk that his or her battery will die?

Stake Conference

I attended a really good stake conference today. Actually, I missed the first hour because I forgot it was stake conference, but what I did catch was pretty terrific. When I came in, the primary was singing a really nice arrangement of "I Feel My Savior's Love" combined with a song I wasn't familiar with called "I Know My Savior Love's Me." I quite enjoyed it.

A sister bore her testimony, we sang "Because I Have Been Given Much," and then the rest of the time was given to the visiting general authority, Elder Christopher B. Munday. I found him utterly charming, funny, and yet his message was very spiritual. I wish all talks could be as delightful as his was.

He first told a story of how he was a stake president one, and the visiting general authority had told them to be strict about their time. In doing so, there turned out to be some extra time. The visiting authority then pointed out a man way in the back to Elder Munday and said he wanted that man to bear his testimony. Elder Munday told the authority that was not the right guy, but the authority insisted. Elder Munday then went on to explain that when he was six years old he had gone to his first church meeting at an LDS branch, and this man had been a branch leader there. Elder Munday witnessed this man at this first meeting proclaim that he was never coming back to the church because of something someone had done to offend him.

In later years, Elder Munday was this man's branch president, bishop, and stake president and over the years he tried to reach out to this man. The man didn't want to have anything to do with the church and some of his family members became inactive as well. Elder Munday said that on this occasions when he would try to visit the man, he would turn out his lights and pretend he wasn't home.

This particular Sunday of the stake conference, he had dropped off his active daughter, but couldn't get out of the parking area because two cars had inadvertently pinned him in. His gas tank was almost at empty and it was a particularly cold day (this was in England). Rather than wait in the cold car he decided to, in his words, "burn with the Mormons" in the church house.

When asked by this visiting authority to get the man to bear his testimony, Elder Munday dumbfoundedly asked how the authority would go about getting that to happen. The authority replied, "Go out there and get him." Elder Munday walked to the very back of the room, which was filled with about 1,000 people and asked the man, who was dressed in jeans and old sweater and was unshaven and had his arms folded, to bear his testimony. The man refused. Elder Munday started back to the stand. He had only walked two or three feet when the authority motioned to him to bring him up. Elder Munday physically pulled the man out of his chair and escorted him to the stand.

The man, unhappy to be there, said simply, "I would like to say I know the church is true, but I cannot," and then left. Elder Munday looked at the authority as if to say, "I told you so," and was surprised to see the authority beaming. The authority leaned over and said, "Wasn't that wonderful?"

The meeting soon ended, and as Elder Munday headed toward his office, he saw the man charging toward him. The man grabbed him by his tie and said, "Was it you?!" Munday responded, "No, it was the authority." The man saw the general authority, rushed toward him, grabbed him by the tie and angrily repeated the same question, "Was it you?!" The authority said, "No, it was the spirit." The man stopped short and said he wanted to talk to Brother Munday and the visiting authority in Elder Munday's office.

As then men sat in Elder Munday's office, the man cried and said, "Why didn't somebody pull me out of my chair 22 years ago?" and with tears in his eyes said, "I've always known the church was true."

The man and many members of his family eventually went to the temple together. It had been 23 years since this man had stepped in the temple. At their temple recommend meeting, the man's wife looked happier than he had ever seen her. He asked the man if he felt worthy to attend the temple. The man replied, "I do. I feel clean, and I feel so happy." The man, his wife, and several family members were able to attend the temple together. The next day the man, who was 72, died of a heart attack.

Elder Munday's point was that he was glad that the authority had been spiritually perceptive enough to notice this one man out of a crowd of a thousand and know that it was time for that man to come back. What I got out of was how much God loves his children; how eager he is to bring us closer to him; and how he knows our hearts so much better than anybody else can. It helped me remember that how we see each other is not how God sees us; how we need to put judgment away and let God work through us to help his children, even the ones we feel are past help.

Elder Munday also told the story of how President Hinckley had called him as a Stake President and how he wanted to meet his family. Elder Munday said his boys especially were very rambunctious and he and his wife were afraid of the negative impression his sons might make on the prophet. Sure enough, as they were driving to have dinner with the prophet, the sons (one in particular) began to fight. Elder Munday said he often let his sons settle disputes by boxing each other. He said you would never find that in a family home evening manual, nor was it doctrine, nor did he recommend it, but that it seemed to work for his kids.

When the family arrived, President Hinckley said to each of the first two boys, "I can tell you are good boys," and then to the third (the troublemaker in the family), he said, "I can tell you are a good boy...when you are asleep." Elder Munday said, tongue in cheek, that he knew right then President Hickley was a true prophet.

He also shared stories about his own doubts when he was a missionary and his struggles with the French language as well as counsel he gave to his own son when he was having doubts about his abilities to be a good missionary. He also talked about how he knows there are times when it feels like God has abandoned us, but that He's always there, and I really felt that what he was saying was very true.

He also shared a story about a missionary that served under him when he was a Mission President. The missionary’s dad had abandoned him when he was eight months old. He had a great distrust of men, in general, and didn’t want to be on a mission. He was a very big guy and at first wouldn’t get out of bed. Elder Munday told his companion to physically pull him out of bed. The companion asked Elder Munday if he was aware of the missionary’s size and worried he might retaliate and hurt him. Elder Munday said the Lord would protect him.

The missionary met with Elder Munday and told him he wanted to go home and had arranged his own airfare to do so. Elder Munday stood between him and the door and promised that if he left he would continue running away the rest of his life without getting anywhere, but that if he stayed, he promised it would change his life for the better. He hugged the missionary, who it was later discovered, had never allowed anyone to hug him before. At first, he resisted, but then he gave into it. He eventually decided to stay and became (and still is) a great leader in the church and is currently a bishop.

Anyway, Elder Munday’s talk was delivered with a lot of humor, some slight self-deprecation, a lot of humility, and I found him so down-to-earth and accessible. And yet, what he had to say was enormously moving to me. And his British accent was so delightful to listen to. It was an absolutely fantastic talk.

The meeting closed with an absolutely lovely arrangement of one of my very favorite hymns, "Our Savior's Love." I just felt really good as I left and felt like the Spirit had been strong with me today.

I got into my car, and a lovely jazz, a capella version of "There Is A Green Hill Far Away" was playing. It's really been a marvelous Sunday. I think the Lord has been aware that I have been a tad down the last couple of days, and I really felt like He was trying to buoy my spirits and let me know that things are going to be okay. For that I am enormously grateful.

Aw!

This is a picture of one of our cats. I thought it was so adorable, I just had to share it.

A World Without Gay

I was pondering recently what our world would be like if the homosexuals or bisexuals who have inhabited it throughout history had never existed. Being from the arts, many of my conclusions come out of that field.

No Rock Hudson/Doris Day movies. Rock was gay.
You like the music of Savage Garden, Queen, Wham!, REM, *NSYNC, Erasure, David Bowie, Melissa Etheridge, Rufus Wainwright, and Green Day? Sorry, Darren Hayes, Freddy Mercury, George Michael, Michael Stipe, Lance Bass, Melissa Etheridge, Rufus Wainwright and Andy Bell are all gay. Billie Joe Armstrong and David Bowie classify themselves as bisexual.
Do you like the plays Our Town, The Glass Menagerie, A Streetcar Named Desire, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf, The Importance of Being Earnest, Breakfast at Tiffanys, Bus Stop, Master Class, and The Dark at the Top of the Stairs? Sorry. Their authors were all gay.
Oh, and by the way, if you like the musicals Wicked, West Side Story, Fiddler on the Roof, Hairspray, On the Town, Hello, Dolly, Mame, Anything Goes, Kiss Me, Kate, Pippin, Godspell, Into the Woods, Sweeney Todd, Gypsy, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, Sunday in the Park with George, A Chorus Line, Cabaret, Nine, Les Miserables, Phantom of the Opera, The Light in the Piazza, Ragtime, and Miss Saigon (among others), all were either composed, directed, written, choreographed, or produced by homosexuals.
Do you like the songs "Night and Day," "My Funny Valentine," "I Get a Kick Out of You," "La Vida Loca," "West End Girls," "You Do Something to Me," "I've Got You Under My Skin," "You're the Top," "I Love Paris," "The Lady is a Tramp," "Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered," "Blue Moon," "Isn't It Romantic?" "Send in the Clowns," "Candle in the Wind," "Crocodile Rock," "I Honestly Love You," "Don't Cry Out Loud," "Adagio for Strings," "Fanfare for the Common Man," "Appalachian Spring," "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?," "Karma Chameleon," "It's My Party," "You Don't Own Me," "At Seventeen," and "I Only Want to Be With You?" All are songs that either include music or lyrics by a gay person or were made famous by someone who was gay.
Do you like the songs of Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, The Lion King, Pocohantas, The Prince of Egypt, and Little Shop of Horrors? Music or lyrics by gay people.
Do you enjoy the ballets The Nutcracker, Romeo and Juliet, and Swan Lake? Too bad. Tchaikovsky was gay.
Do you like the voices of Johnny Mathis, Adam Lambert, and Clay Aiken? Gay.
Did you like the characters of Mike Brady on "The Brady Bunch," Niles and Bulldog on "Frasier," the second Darren on "Bewitched," Sulu on "Star Trek," Mel Cooley on "The Dick Van Dyke Show," Jonathan on "Who's the Boss," David Witherspoon on "Our House," Matthew Cooper on "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman," Major Charles Winchester on "M*A*S*H," Darlene on "Roseanne," Lindsay in "Arrested Development," George on "Grey's Anatomy," Miranda on "Sex in the City," President Taylor on "24," Elyse Keaton on "Family Ties," Marcy on "Married with Children," Dr. Kildaire on "Dr. Kildaire," Rickie on "My So-Called Life," Doogie Howser on "Doogie Howser," Barney on "How I Met Your Mother," Jack on "Will and Grace," Matthew on "Newsradio," Richard on "Caroline in the City," Mitchell on "Modern Family," Sue Sylvester on "Glee," George Huang on "Law and Order:SVU," and Monroe on "Too Close for Comfort"? Sorry. All played by confirmed homosexuals or bisexuals. Raymond Burr, who played Perry Mason on "Perry Mason," was reputed to be gay as well.
Did you like Anthony Perkins' portrayal of Norman Bates in Psycho or Farley Granger's portrayal of Guy Haines in Strangers on a Train? How about Ian McKellan as Gandalf in Lord of the Rings or Lily Tomlin as Violet Newstead in 9 to 5? Sal Mineo as Plato in Rebel Without a Cause or Nathan Lane as the voice of Timon in The Lion King? How about David Ogden Stiers as Cogsworth in Beauty and the Beast? Denholm Elliott as Marcus in Raiders of the Lost Ark and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? Rupert Everett as George in My Best Friend's Wedding? Tommy Kirk as Travis Coates in Old Yeller and Wilby Daniels in The Shaggy Dog? Montgomery Clift in his roles in From Here to Eternity and A Place in the Sun? Kathy Najimy as Sister Mary Patrick in Sister Act? Kelly McGillis' roles in Witness and Top Gun? Tom Hulce as Mozart in Amadeus? All gay.
Do you like writings of Truman Capote, Walt Whitman, Lord Byron, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Noel Coward, Hans Christian Andersen, Langston Hughes, Marcel Proust, Clive Barker, David Sedaris, Arthur Rimbeaud, and Gertrude Stein? Gay.
Do you like the comedy stylings of Rosie O'Donnell, Ellen Degeneres, Margaret Cho, Bruce Vilanche, and Wanda Sykes? How about the Kids in the Hall Hall or Monty Python, both of which would have been incomplete without Scott Thompson and Graham Chapman (both of whom are/were gay).
Do you like the movies The Way We Were, A Room with a View, Remains of the Day, St. Elmo's Fire, The Lost Boys, Romeo and Juliet, The Champ, Good Will Hunting, Milk, Scream, I Know What You Did Last Summer, School of Rock, Orange County, The Philadelphia Story, My Fair Lady, Adam's Rib, Sister Act, Regarding Henry, The Truman Show, Zoolander, 17 Again, A Walk to Remember, Chicago, Nine, Beetlejuice, and Interview with the Vampire? Produced, directed, or written by homosexuals.
Hey, are you wearing any clothes designed by Yves Saint Laurent, Christian Dior, or Gianni Versace? All gay. And a lot of the high-end fashion designs are by gay people.
Did you like Charles Nelson Reilly on "Match Game" or Rip Taylor on "The Gong Show?" or Paul Lynde on "Hollywood Squares?" Gay.
Have you ever "sweated to the oldies" with Richard Simmons or gotten nutritional advice from Susan Powter? Ever enjoyed the athleticism of Greg Louganis, Billie Jean King, Marina Navratilova, or Dave Kopay. Gay.
Ever gotten financial advice from Suze Orman? Gay.
Do you like the Beatles? Much of their success was due to their manager, Brian Epstein who was...you guessed it...gay.
Do you enjoy the potical commentary of Rachel Maddow? Do you feel politicians like Barney Frank and Harvey Milk have made important contributions? Gay. Lots of closeted gay politicians out there and lesser-known names who shape the laws of our nation, both good and bad.
Leonardo Da Vinci, Michaelangelo, Caravaggio, Socrates, Aristotle, and Alexander the Great are also reputed to be gay by some historians. Think what would have been lost in the world of philosophy and art and world domination if they hadn't existed.
And holy cow! Think of all the actors, dancers, singers, and performers on Broadway we would lose without homosexuals.

Anyway, just food for thought.

Love vs. Lust

Jeffrey R. Holland said the following in General Conference yesterday afternoon:

"True love endures. But lust? Lust changes as quickly as it can turn a pornographic page. Or glance at yet another potential object for gratification walking by, male or female. True love we are absolutely giddy about, like I am about Sister Holland. We shout it from the housetops, sometimes even in General Conference. But lust? Lust is characterized by shame and stealth and is almost pathologically clandestine. The later and the darker the hour, the better; with a double-bolted door just in case. Love makes us instinctively reach out to God and other people. Lust, on the other hand, is anything but godly and celebrates self-indulgence. Love comes with open hands and open heart. Lust comes only with an open appetite."

Although he seemed to be focusing his talk on adultery and pornography, the preceding quote struck me as very interesting. By his own criteria, it's nice to know that my relationship with Jonah is based on love and not lust. Of course, I already knew that. I'm sure there would be many members of my own faith, including Brother Holland, that might disagree with me simply because my partner is of the same sex, but it is very clear to me that love is what my relationship with Jonah is built on.

Sorry I haven't written lately. Just haven't had much to say. I have been wanting to write about politics and the new health care bill (of which I am a supporter, by the way), but I just haven't felt like getting into it.

One more thing I wanted to say. I'm facing unemployment pretty soon, which is a bit nerve wracking, although I am trying to be optimistic. I'm also trying to be careful with my money. But today an unexpected check for $83.00 came at a time when I need it, so I am thankful the Lord is watching out for me. I feel like things are going to be okay. Let's hope.

Acting Withdrawal

If you read my blog regularly, you know I am a professional actor (even if you don't read my blog on a regular basis, the blog name probably should have tipped you off). And if you've read my blog in the last few months, you also know I'm currently working in a teaching position at a small college in Utah. Although my job is related to my field (I teach theatre and acting) and although I feel like I am a pretty good teacher (and by the accounts of most of my students and my boss, they would agree with that assessment), teaching is not acting, and while I feel like I am a good teacher, I simply do not have the same passion for it as I do for acting.

I think I am a good actor. I've been working professionally as an actor for the past 15 years and have often made a good living at it. The trouble with acting is that it can be a very unsteady and unstable profession. You can have a really fabulous, lucrative year one year and a completely empty and void year the next. For example, last year was really good. I worked steadily in a lot of good productions and made more money than I had made in a long time. This year...bupkis. I haven't acted professionally in nearly a year, which has been very unusual. This has been the first time in a long, long time that I haven't been able to get an acting job. While the teaching job has been fulfilling in its own way, I miss acting terribly. I love acting so, so much, and when I'm not acting, it makes me a bit edgy. I'm just grateful I'm at least doing something that is somewhat related to my field.

I blame the economy. Like many jobs in this economy, acting jobs seem harder to come by these days. I've auditioned for many things, but it just hasn't been my year. I received news this morning that my latest audition did not pan out. I only have two more job opportunities on the immediate horizon and no way of knowing if either will pan out. This teaching job ends at the end of April (I was asked back for next year, but I'm just not making enough money doing it, so I had decline), and at this point, I have nothing lined up, so I am facing unemployment. While unemployment itself is a somewhat discomfiting thought, what really bothers me most is that I'm not doing what I love. I am going through serious acting withdrawal. I'm hoping I can find something soon and get back into the groove.

I actually had the fleeting thought last night of "Have I lost my touch?" While I realized this was a completely irrational and self-pitying thought (which fortunately has dissipated), it did pass through my mind, no matter how briefly. I just need to get back to acting.

On the plus side, no acting job means I could very likely get back to Vegas and spend some extended time with my partner. This is a terrific thing because I miss Jonah terribly. So maybe this is all a very huge blessing. I just hope when I get back to Vegas, I am able to find a job of some sort so that I can pay my share of our bills.

In any case, I hope I'll be acting again soon.

Three Things About Jonah

I admire Jonah a lot. Three of his strongest traits are his compassion for others, his great faith, and his spiritual intuition. In all seriousness, if Jonah were financially able to do so, he would go down to Haiti and help those people personally. Jonah would gladly give someone the shirt off his back without thinking twice. He would lend a needy person money without ever worrying if that person could or would ever pay him back.

I really admire that about him. I tend to be a bit more selfish. It's not that I don't even have a desire to help others. I just seem to be more concerned with my own time and money. I am glad someone like Jonah is able to help me learn to put others before myself, even if the natural man part of me sometimes resents it. I actually am grateful for it, though.

Jonah also has great faith. He just always believes that things are going to work out if one applies enough faith. He's usually right, too. I try to have great faith, and I get better every year of my life, but Jonah's faith astounds me. Case in point: when he moved his stuff into our house, he brought his cat along, and the cat got loose and ran away (probably trying to find its old home). Jonah prayed and prayed for the safe return of that cat and looked for it every day. He would cry himself to sleep over the loss of the cat. But he never gave up hope and believed he would find her again. Months passed. I was sure the cat was lost forever and secretly felt Jonah was wasting his energy on a hopeless cause.

One day, Jonah's mom saw a picture of a stray cat that was up for adoption and felt sure it was the lost cat. She called him, and sure enough, it was absolutely her. She has very distinct markings and a paw with an extra toe and answered to her name and recognized Jonah immediately. That cat now lives very happily in our home after a very tramatic experience, and ironically, seems to have really taken to me, who didn't believe she would be found. It was truly a miracle, and I know it's the strength of Jonah's faith that brought it about.

I often live in a very practical, rational world, and sometimes I excuse the true power of faith because of that. I remember when Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped. I was absolutely sure she was dead. But she turned up alive and has gone on to great things. Rational and practical are one thing, but faith is just as real as anything. I'm glad Jonah reminds me of that. The cat story is just one example of the power of Jonah's faith. I'm glad he reminds me of that power. It helps buoy me up during difficult times.

Jonah is also one of the most spiritually perceptive people I know. It's as if he can look into a person's soul and know exactly what they are going through. He can truly sense if there is something amiss in a person's life or something good just by looking at them. People are also drawn to Jonah. It is not uncommon for complete strangers (as well as friends) to come up to him and completely unburden their souls and trials and problems. Sometimes this gift is a burden to Jonah. He feels a great responsibility to listen to people and being one who likes to fix things, he also feels a great burden to help these people. Sometimes he wants to avoid the interaction because it's too much, and Jonah is very sensitive soul. But he also feels that God has given him this gift to help others, and as long as God keeps pushing them his way, Jonah feels the responsibility to at least be there for him.

As I've said, because I am selfish, I often don't have the kind of patience to deal with a lot of the things Jonah has to deal with. Admittedly, sometimes Jonah doesn't either. It wears him out. But he certainly is more patient and willing to help than I feel I am.

When the Spirit prompts Jonah to do something, he tries very hard to do so, and it almost always pays off. Some of the promptings he gets involve a lot of faith. Fortunately, he has that.

He's truly one of the most spiritually in-tune people I know. It amazes me. God has truly blessed him with many gifts, and I am grateful to share my life with him.

A Helpful Approach?

I read this article in the Salt Lake Tribune today:

Ted Fairchild, who is openly gay, has HIV and serves as a part-time LDS missionary in the Bay Area, left the love of his life to return to church activity.

Linda Schweidel wondered why her bright, successful returned-missionary husband still was not ready for children after eight years of marriage. That's when he broke down and told her he was gay.

Diane Oviatt held her sobbing gay son in a darkened kitchen as he poured out years of grief at the secret he had been carrying for 18 years and wondered how he would get to heaven without marrying.

These were among the anguished stories several Mormons shared during emotional church services Oakland LDS Stake held last summer to heal rifts caused by the faith's activism in the Golden State on behalf of traditional marriage.

In June 2008, the LDS First Presidency asked all California Mormons to give their time and money to Proposition 8, a ballot measure striking down gay marriage. Many members did so with gusto, circulating petitions, raising money, sending e-mails to church lists and putting up lawn signs.

That left other Bay Area Mormons, particularly those with gay friends and relatives, feeling embattled and alienated. Some stepped away temporarily from church; others left for good. Those who remained often felt at odds with fellow believers.

Oakland Stake President Dean Criddle, a respected lawyer and gentle leader, sensed the ripples of collective pain and wanted to reunite his flock, says Matt Marostica, bishop of the Berkeley Ward.

So Criddle and his counselors assembled quotes and speeches from LDS general authorities that stressed love and compassion for those with same-sex attraction. They then asked each of the 10 wards in the stake to hold a joint meeting of adult members during church services on either Aug. 30 or Sept. 6 to hand out the quotes and listen to personal stories from area members.

The response in Oviatt's suburban Moraga, Calif., ward was electric, Oviatt says. "Everyone in the audience was weeping. Men came up to my husband, crying, and hugged him, saying, 'We love you and we love your son.' "

A couple of the more ardent ballot supporters apologized to Oviatt for having Prop 8 signs on their lawns, saying, "We never knew."

Several people told Berkeley's bishop, Marostica, how much they appreciated the meetings, including one woman who said, "I am so glad we did this. This is the church I know and love."

Till they have faces » The authorities' statements and church setting provided a comfort level to Mormons who rarely discuss homosexuality openly, except to condemn it as a social trend or satanic tool. By all accounts, though, it was the stories that were transforming.

One man, who outed himself from the pulpit during one of the meetings, talked about a life of being scorned, bullied and accused by other Mormons of bringing on the AIDS pandemic. Still, every week when he takes the sacrament bread and water, God's voice whispers to him: "You belong here."

It's the same voice Fairchild has heard over and over since becoming active in the LDS Church as a 17-year-old in Pullman, Wash., in 1970.

He served a two-year mission in Mexico, earned a degree at Brigham Young University and married a woman because, he says, she was pretty and could play the piano. The couple had two daughters.

But Fairchild always knew he was gay and eventually couldn't continue the lie. He fell for a man.

"It was the only time," Fairchild says, "I have ever been physically, emotionally and spiritually in love."

By 1986, he and his partner were diagnosed with HIV, which at the time was a death sentence. Elder Richard G. Scott -- then an LDS Seventy, now an apostle -- gave Fairchild a blessing in which he asked God to build a protective wall around his cells. In that moment, Fairchild believed he needed to live by Mormon standards. He broke up with his love and returned to the church.

"Once you've experienced the Holy Ghost," he says, "there's no other feeling like it."

More than 20 years later, Fairchild is relatively healthy and at peace with his decision. He believes he was born gay and a child of a loving Heavenly Father, twin qualities that make him a more effective "worker in God's kingdom."

Letting go or holding fast » That doesn't work for Oviatt's son, Ross Oviatt, who has not been back to church.

He attended BYU for a few semesters, she says, but it was a "toxic environment." The Prop 8 fallout -- which continues in California with the ballot measure now before a judge - proved difficult for Ross as he tried to weather homophobic slurs and keep his secret. He misses his Mormon experience and friends, but the association is too painful.

It hasn't been easy for the rest of the family, either.

"We had to re-examine our place in the church," Oviatt says. "We are not leaving, but it's hard to stay in a religion that does not embrace our child. If we had to choose between the two, we'd choose Ross."

Some Mormons in the stake see only one choice: following church edicts.

"I am a faithful Latter-day Saint, happily married with children, striving to live up to my temple covenants, fulfill my calling, be a good father and all the other things which active members of the church try to do," one man wrote to Criddle in between the two joint sessions. "According to your definition of homosexuality, I am also a homosexual. I have had strong attractions to men (and exclusively men) my whole life."

But homosexuality is not his identity, just a temptation he refuses to act on, the writer said. He thought the stake should have included more emphasis on heterosexual marriage as the core of Mormon teachings.

Criddle shared the letter (without identification) in all the wards.

Coming back » In what she calls, the "dark days of Proposition 8," Schweidel took a "leave of absence" from the church.

She didn't know if she could return. But when Criddle and Marostica asked her to tell her story at one of the joint sessions, she readily accepted.

She has been attending and involved ever since.

"The special meeting made me want to be part of a positive change in the church," she says. "I want to talk to people, to explain why I feel like I do, and help them try to understand."

That may work in Berkeley, but how about Bountiful?

Schweidel is hopeful. There are two kinds of Mormons, she says, quoting a friend: those who know gay people and those who don't know they know gay people.

The task, she says, is to move more members from the second to the first category.

"If my mom in Orem had gay neighbors next door, I know she would love them," Schweidel says. "The Mormons I have spoken to make an effort to understand. They totally get it."

I think all stakes and wards and the Church itself would benefit by getting on board with this idea. I think it would help those members dealing with homosexuality in their own lives or in the lives of family members, and I think it would generate and foster a greater understanding and compassion among those who don't know that they already know gay people in the Church.