Mom Has A Boyfriend

Sorry I haven't written in a while.  Life gets busy.

The sale of Mom's house is supposed to close tomorrow.  I wish selling and buying houses didn't have to be so complicated.  But really, Mom's house sold much faster than I expected.  We're getting $183,365 for it, which is about what we had hoped to get, so that's great.

I'm sad to see the house go.  Jonah and I were in Utah this past week doing a lot of legal and trust stuff for my mom.  Very stressful stuff.  Anyway, at one point we visited our friend who have lived across the street from Mom just a couple of weeks less than lived in her home.  They've literally been lifelong friends to me, but it sure was weird seeing someone else living in the place I've long considered home (we let them move in and pay rent before the house officially closes).  I'm actually going to send them a letter welcoming them to their new home.  I only hope their family loves living there as much as mine did.

It was good to see Mom, and her brother who she hasn't seen for about seven years came to visit.  I think it was hard for him to see her like she is; I'm used to it now.  It was really good to see him.

And yes, it looks like Mom has become very good friends with a male resident.  It all seems very innocent, although one of the nurses called him (Harold his name is) the "resident Casanova."  I'm glad Mom has a friend, and I think it's good for both of them, but part of me feels like an overprotective parent saying, "Who is this boy?  What are his intentions?"

Mom seems to be adjusting well to her new home.  She didn't even have time to talk to me today because they were going on some outing.  I called later and found out she and Harold had sat together.  I saw them holding hands the other day.  My older sister saw Harold give Mom a kiss.

The other day Harold and Mom were talking in her room until 9:00 PM, at which point Mom said she and Harold should retire to their separate rooms and go to bed.

Mom is making friends.  She has told me about Harold, of course, as well as Helene (who's losing it, apparently), Libby, and Myrna.

The staff says she's a delight to have.  She still regressing, but seems somewhat stable.  She's still able to develop new memories and hold on to them, which is a good phase to be in.  Eventually, that stops as does the ability to communicate and eventually, the ability to feed and toilet oneself.

I don't know when all that will happen.  I look at Mom nine years ago, for example, and there were no signs of dementia whatsoever.  Here we are nine years later, and her short term memory is completely shot, she has imaginary memories, and she's very confused.  But she at least seems happy, which I am grateful for.

My brother and sister-in-law tried to have her over for dinner last night, but she was agitated and very confused about things.  She wanted to go home.  When they took her back, she didn't recognize the assisted living facility at all.  My brother was a bit disturbed by it.

Yet today, without any coaxing from me, she was able to relay some of what she did last night, so stuff is still getting through.

She has forgotten her home of 51 years.  It's good.  It makes it easier on her and us.  But it is bizarre.

Jonah and I met with Mom's lawyer this week and we were a bit taken aback that he had charged us $4,500 for a service we thought was included in the flat fee we had originally been quoted.  It turns out it wasn't.  We expressed our displeasure and said that in the future communication about such matters must be better.  $4,500 may be chump change to the law firm, but that's a month and a half's worth of care for Mom.

I'll be glad when the house money is in the trust.  Then we know with that and the other money Mom has that her care can be paid for for 6 or 7 years by which time Medicaid will be covering some of that.

I'm not looking forward to tax time next year.  I'm in charge of getting all that done, and I think this first year, especially, will be a bit of a headache.

Jonah and I had a good time visiting my family.  I do hope the next time I'm in town it will be a little more relaxing.

Embracing Death

I've been thinking a lot about death today.

An acquaintance of ours is terminally ill.  He will die...and soon.  It's only a matter of time.

This man is more of a friend of a good friend than he is a close of friend of mine.  But the good friend (who I have written about before) is in prison and cannot visit his dying friend, and so Jonah and I have been visiting in his stead.

The dying man has been somewhat of a tortured soul.  As long as I have known him, he has been very cynical and seems to have a lot of pent up anger, bitterness, and resentment.  He certainly has not been much of a believer in God as long as I've been acquainted with him.  I know he grew up in an abusive home and he has also been plagued with HIV for much of his life.  He was once a physically handsome individual, but the side effects of his medications have distorted his appearance, and I think that is one thing he has been unhappy about.  He has had a somewhat empty life.  To the best of my knowledge he has no family and is alone.  He has had no serious relationships that I know of.  He was not particularly well-liked or even well-understood by many who know him.

Let's call him Jack.  When Jack's health took an especially sharp turn for the worst, Jonah and I visited him.  He asked why God would play such a cruel trick on him, and then immediately apologized for it as if he feared that same God.  This was especially interesting since he seems to be an atheist.  But it also signaled to Jonah and me that maybe Jack was entering a new phase of his life.
 Jack also talked about what a wasted life he had had and lamented that he had very little to show for it.  I don't think that's true.  I think he made many good contributions to his life.  He also talked about feeling remorse for never forgiving the father who abused him.  This was interesting coming from a man who had held on to so much bitterness and anger about many things (not just his father).

As the weeks have passed, Jonah and I have noticed great changes in Jack.  No longer do we see a guy so racked with pain and cynicism, but someone who is witnessing things he probably never believed in.  Jack has made a conscious choice to stop eating.  When Jack was in great pain, he had talked about committing suicide.  In a way, I think Jack is still committing a sort of suicide, although since his prognosis is terminal, I don't necessarily blame him.

I've talked about my attitudes about death before in this blog.  I've never been particularly afraid to die nor have I really ever thought of death as a negative or bad thing.  I think it's just part of life; a transition we go through as part of our greater spiritual life.

Certainly the temporary separation it causes can be painful and sad, especially for those who have no faith or belief in an afterlife.  I, however, do believe that life continues on after the separation of our body and spirit, and in fact, don't believe in a "death" at all.  The spirit is and always will be.  What we call death is simply a temporary separation, and I do indeed believe it is only temporary.

I notice as I get older, the more people I know who die.  That's the same for many.  And I do think of my own mortality and realize that I could, in fact, die tomorrow if that is what happens.

I also think of the blessings of death.  Jack has suffered a lot.  I sense that he has not known much peace in his life.  I think of the love and understanding he will come to know on the other side of the veil, and I think that will be a great blessing to him.

I think of my cancer-ridden friends, Melanie and Marlyse; or my tortured friend, David, who committed suicide; and I think of my own dear father who basically suffocated in his own liquids for a month before he died and how miserable he was during that time.  I think of my dad's mother, who was so unhappy after her husband passed away that she kind of gave up on living life.  I think of the corruption and evil of this world and the fact that death is only a return to a love and understanding that we don't fully comprehend here.

Now before you get the wrong idea, I am not in any way, shape, or form saying that I wish to die.  In fact, I have a great deal to live for.  When I was buried deep in the closet trying to be a good Mormon boy, I longed for death.  I longed to be taken away from this mortal existence so that I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore.  Finding Jonah and coming out changed all that.  I'm very happy in my life and happy with Jonah.  I have somebody else to live for, not to mention family and friends that I love and need and who need me.  I like my life very much and feel I have a lot of it I'd like to live and hope Jonah and I are together for a long time.

At the same time, if God called me home tomorrow, I am not afraid to die.  I feel like I have a lot more left to do, but when it's my time to die, I'd like to believe I'm ready for it and would face it without guilt, fear, trepidation, or regret.  And I believe there is a peace and love finds on the other side that some people have a harder time finding on this side.

I, myself, feel quite peaceful about my life and the direction it's heading and the choices I've made.  I'm far from perfect and certainly always have room for improvement, but I have honestly striven to be the best and most loving person I can be.  Some days I fail, but it isn't from lack of trying.

I remember a song my choir sang in high school by Johann Sebastian Bach with a vocal smear (where individual singers in the choir sing one note at a time on their own breath, thus creating a cacophony of sound that is both dissonant and beautiful).  In fact, I believe it was this arrangement:

   

I thought at the time that it was so beautiful and haunting.  For some reason my thoughts today reminded me of its lyrics:

Come, sweet death, come blessed rest!
Come lead me to peace
For I am weary of the world.
Oh come!  I wait for you.
Come soon and lead me,
Close my eyes.
Come, blessed rest.

While at the time I thought the music wonderful, I found the lyrics to be depressing.  Today I think I understand why someone might be compelled to write such lyrics.

Death is a friend, not an enemy; something that releases rather than takes or steals; something to be embraced, not feared.  Even those who are taken too young or "in their prime" or "before their time" are only separated from their loved ones for a season.  And admittedly, that season can be very painful and hard and seemingly unfair, but it is a temporary state.

As I've dealt with my own mom, who is very much alive, I have been struck by the circle of life.  We start as infants, and when I look at newborns and babies who are unable to speak, I sense that their connection beyond the veil is still intact; that they see and hear things we are not in tune enough to see or hear ourselves because mortality has tainted that connection; that their connection with God is very strong.  Then as I look at those who are getting old, I witness that same childlike quality and dependence I see in children.  Whereas our parents once took care of us, now we in turn must take care of them.  Likewise, I witness that same spiritual connection in those who are getting ready to die, like Jack.  They begin to see and hear things we don't recognize, but I believe they are very much real.  They are getting ready to make the transition, and it is a good thing, not a bad one.

I have a feeling people like Mom and Jonah will hang on to life for a while.  Death will not come swiftly to them.  Whereas I suspect (and hope) death for me will be quick and sudden.  Or, at the very least, will be something I embrace without trying to hang on to life.

 But who knows?  Only time will answer that question.

The fact is, death is something we will all experience.  It's simply a part of life.  As we get older, more people we know will die and eventually we will, too.  Jack has anywhere from a few days to a couple of months.  I may have years to go.  I may go tomorrow.  But I will go someday and so will you.

Mom always seemed afraid to talk about death.  She found it depressing and would change the subject.  I don't dwell on the subject, but it's certainly not one I fear nor does it bother or depress me.  In fact, it fascinates and intrigues me.  Yes, I miss loved ones when they pass, but death is just a phase of the never-ending existence we all have.  It's just part of our progression.  I'm not wishing for it or wanting it, but neither do I fear it, and when it happens, that's just the next step in this glorious life that I have the privilege to call mine.

Of Journals and Genealogy and History

I was never much into genealogy as a kid.  Genealogy was quite prevalent in Mormon culture when I was growing up, and perhaps it still is.  I was interested in the history, but the collecting of names and dates never really struck my fancy. 

I had relatives who were quite active in genealogical pursuits, including one if my aunts on my mom's side, my mom's aunt, and my dad's cousin.  I figured they could do the work since it was something that didn't really interest me.

As I've been reading Mom's journals and going through old pictures, I realize there is so much I don't know about my ancestors and sadly, much I will probably never know because the parties involved are deceased.  I have a great aunt and uncle who are still alive and quite sharp, and I hope to interview them before they die to get more information about my dad's side of the family. 

I have come to realize I know very little about my mom's dad's side of the family; virtually nothing about her stepfather's family, and very little about my dad's mom's parents.

Dad's dad's family is quite well researched, and I do know a bit about Mom's mom's family.

Some things I have learned which I never knew before:

Mom's dad's mother died a week after he was born, and his father remarried, and that was the grandmother my mom knew.

One of Mom's aunts from the second marriage is still alive and in assisted living.  She's in her 90s, I believe.

Dad's mom worked in a ribbon shop and also worked for a photographer before she got married.

There is a slight chance that Dad's mom got married because she was pregnant, although she insisted this was not the case.  However, she and my grandpa lived separately with each of their parents for the first few months of their marriage.

My great-grandmother on my dad's side said she wouldn't marry my great-grandfather unless they had their own home, so he built her one.

My mom's stepfather, the only grandpa I ever knew, didn't want anyone informed of his death until after he was cremated.

My mom's stepsister died of an aneurysm about 13 years ago.

Mom' uncle's boss accidentally backed over over Mom's uncle's toddler son with an automobile and killed him.

It's also interesting reading Mom's journals and getting new perspectives on things that perhaps I didn't recognize as a child.  For example:

I didn't know that Mom's relationship with her mother-in-law was sometimes strained.  It is well known in my family that Grandma showed blatant favoritism towards her youngest daughter, and you can sense that Mom was jealous of that and bothered by Grandma's unwillingness to live life after the death of her husband.

I did not realize Moms' frustrations with her church service.  In what I've read thus far, it is clear that she finds serving as a Primary teacher frustrating and she really didn't want to serve as a Relief Society nursery leader.

I never recognized how much Mom and Dad really sacrificed for us.  When I read about Mom shuttling us kids around everywhere, and how domestic she was when I was younger (cleaning, cooking, housework), taking classes on speech therapy so she could better understand my sister's speech problems growing up, Mom's church callings, family trips, sewing outfits for my sisters even though it wasn't her strongest talent, working at night, etc. I am exhausted by how much she had to do and fully recognize that her motives were based on how much she loved her kids and wanted them to succeed.

Anyway, a desire to trace my family's history has been kindled in me.

Here are some of the coolest photos I'v come across so far:

These are my great-great grandparents on my dad's side.  The little girl standing between her father's legs is my dad's dad's mother.

 

This is that same little girl as a young woman with my great-grandfather (Dad's dad's parents)

 

My great-grandfather is at far right on the front row.  The man in the middle with the mustache is my great-great grandfather.

This is my dad's dad (left) and his two brothers.  The one in the middle is still alive and actually looks the same (only much, much older - lol)

This is my great-grandfather with his daughter (my dad's mom).

This is my great-grandfather with his daughter (Mom's mom).

Grandma (Mom's mom) as a teenager is some production.  She's in the second row, fifth from the left.

My dad is the boy in the middle.  His mom (my grandma) is between the two boys (the younger boy is my uncle).  Her mother (my great-grandmother) is in the middle.  The other ladies are aunts.

Mom's dad as a young man.

Really cute picture of my dad and his brother at Forest Lawn Cemetery in 1947.  I had never seen this before.

 Dad with his brother, parents, grandparents, and uncles.

 Mom's mom's mom.

 Mom on a pony in San Francisco.

Mom and her mom in San Francisco.

 This kind of blows me away.  This photo was taken in 1947 at a Stake Center in San Francisco while my dad and his family were on vacation, I think.  They lived in Provo, Utah at the time, I believe.  Pictured are my dad and his brother.  Dad's mom has her arms on his shoulders.  To the right of her are her parents.  I believe the lady behind her is her mother-in-law, and I presume my dad's dad took the photo.

This picture was probably taken 10 years later.  Mom is far right, front row.  Note it's the same steps of the same Stake Center.  This was a stake center Mom would have frequented as a youth in San Francisco.  I don't really believe in coincidences.  It's kind of fun to think Mom and Dad were in such even close proximity years before they met.

WHEEL! OF! HUMILATION!

Well, I won't be on "Wheel of Fortune" any time soon.  I'm pretty good at the game...at home, that is.  So when I heard the "Wheel-Mobile" was rolling into town I decided I'd go and audition.  Really not much to it: just fill out an application, put it in a drum, and hope they pick your name to play the live game to see if they like you enough to qualify.  I didn't even think I'd make it that far.  My name never gets drawn in these kinds of circumstances, and there were easily 3-400 people at my session and only enough time to pick about 50 of those people; so you can imagine my surprise when I was my name was the last drawn for the very first group.

We were told to be energetic, enthusiastic, demonstrate good personality, and be good at the game.  I thought I did well at presenting myself and my charms.  I was asked a little bit about myself, hobbies, career, that sort of thing.  I felt I came off well.  I may have tried a bit too hard to come across as more charismatic than I feel I am, but I held my own and didn't embarrass myself...yet.

We played the speed round - the part where Pat Sajak lets each contestant guess a letter and then they have three second to solve it before he moves on to the next contestant.  We had been brought up in groups of five.  The letter I chose on my first turn was "T," and it was up there.  Other contestants didn't have as much luck, and no one was yet able to solve the puzzle (which was "An Event," by the way).  On my next turn, I picked an "A" (also up there).  

I was determined to be the one to solve the puzzle.  I had already demonstrated charm, enthusiasm, and charisma.  I just needed to win this thing, and they would pick me to be on the show.

Then my stupid nerves took over.

After I guessed "A" and had my three seconds to solve, I looked at the board, which said:

T_A_ _ _C
_AM

I thought of words that start with "T" and end with "C", and it took me a couple of seconds, but I finally realized it was "traffic," but I knew I had no time left, and I choked and blurted out the first thing that came to mind:

"Traffic Ham!"

Yes, folks - I said "traffic HAM"

To make matters worse, I immediately realized my error and blurted out "traffic jam" after my turn had already ended, thus spoiling the game for the remaining contestants. If the guy after me didn't already know the answer, he certainly did after my display.

So embarrassing. 

I was at least glad the host thought I said "traffic cam," which at least makes slightly more sense than my stupid guess.

And then of course because I was in the very first group, I had to spend the next hour watching other possible contenders vying for a shot while lamenting the fact that I had blown my own.  I was so annoyed with myself and yet laughing at the absolute stupidity and absurdity of it all.  And of course being an "armchair contestant" is so much easier than when you're actually up there playing. I was able to solve quite a few puzzles from my spot in the audience.  Wish I had done so well when I was actually on stage.  I could feel them crossing my name off as soon as I shouted my inane answer.

Oh, well. I got a "Wheel of Fortune" tee-shirt, a "Wheel-Mobile" paper model, and a great (and embarrassing) story to share. lol

 [Oh, two side notes: One lady asked the host to give Pat Sajak a big hug for her.  He said something like "I'll get right on that," but his tone and body language told me he's probably never even met Pat Sajak let alone able to find himself in a position where he could hug him for some random lady.  I actually thought the host had a thankless job which he did very well: pump up the crowd, keep them engaged, move things along, and keep things funny and light.

Other side note: One lady who also won't be joining me on "Wheel of Fortune" was this strange woman who kept saying random things and didn't listen to the host's instructions.  He asked her to tell a story about where she was from and she went off on some other tangent but then she said she had another story to tell, and when the host told her okay, she shouted into the audience, "Hey, Mom and Dad!" and when the host was done with her, she randomly shouted, "Bon Jovi!"  Then when she played the game, she guessed a letter than had already been guessed even though you could clearly see what letters had already been guessed.

I guess nerves make people do stupid things.  ;-) ]

Wow, That Was Fast

I mentioned here that we put Mom's house up for sale.  Two days later we had a bid on it.  We put the house up at $209,500 expecting maybe a bid of $195,000-$199,000, but the offer was for $205,000, which we took.  While the sale isn't final and while I am well aware anything can happen when it comes to selling and buying houses, I feel confident that the sale will go through, and apparently so does the family who is buying as they attended my mom's ward today and introduced themselves and acted as though the sale was a done deal.

I don't know them nor have I met them, but apparently they live in Mom's former stake and wish to stay there but needed a bigger house.  They are a younger couple with two young boys (about 4 and 2 years old).

According to the couple, the house will be inspected on Tuesday.  I ask for all the prayers of you in blog-land that the inspection will go well, that there will be no unforeseen expenses, and that this sale will go through.  We need the money to pay for Mom's care.  I never thought I would be eager for Mom's house to be sold, but Mom is the priority, and to care for her we need this sale to go through, especially since this is a very good offer.

As for Mom, she seems healthy and happy, and for that I am enormously grateful.  Jonah and I hope to visit her at the end of May when the show for which I'm ushering goes dark.  I look forward to seeing her again.  I have missed her a lot, and I know she feels the same way.  It will be weird, though to go home and have no home to stay in as I have in the past.  :-(

Memories For Sale

This is a photo of my dad, mom, and big sister taken a year or so after they moved into the house I grew up in; a house Mom spent 50 years in; and a house which she no longer even seems to remember.  Dad's father had a special relationship with the home builder and was able to get Mom and Dad a discount on it.  Mom and Dad and their descendants have been the only residents of this home.  That will change soon.

Mom and Dad's house went up for sale today.  Mom and Dad paid $15,000 (I think) for this house in 1961.  Today we're attempting to sell it for $209,500.  The home's value has certainly increased even accounting for inflation, but it's nothing compared to the value of memories created in this home.

It makes me a little sad to know that my childhood home will belong to someone else, but it is also my fondest wish that whoever ends up buying Mom's home will have as many wonderful memories there as my family and I did.


This is Mom with my older brother about two years after the previous picture was taken.  Notice the recently planted rose bushes in the background.

This is Mom and me about 6 years later.  Notice those same rose bushes.  They still flourish today.

I was in Jonah's parents' backyard the other day.  We had been helping them prune, weed, and clean up a bit.  After we had finished, I was sitting on a bench back there looking at their very lovely and full rose bushes and I just started crying thinking of the roses Mom and Dad had planted for their new home.  Just like those roses, so many wonderful and cherished memories blossomed in that home on the street where I grew up.

I'll always have my memories, of course.  Even if a disease like dementia temporarily robs me of them, they will always be inside me somewhere.  Selling a house or getting rid of material things will never change that.  But I do feel a loss of the symbol of what my childhood home represents.  Handing that over to someone else is hard.

I have been transcribing Mom's journals so that my family will have a keepsake of her life when after she has passed on.  Originally, I was just doing random journals in no particular order.  Now I've decided to go in order because I am interested in seeing the progression of Mom's life.

I had forgotten how domestic Mom was when I was younger.  In the journals I've been reading (about 1978-1979), she's constantly cleaning and baking and doing stuff with her kids.  Religion, as it always was, was of great importance.  I had forgotten how consuming church life could be pre-correlation.  Family Home Evening on Monday, Relief Society on on Wednesday, Primary on Thursday, Priesthood, Sunday School, and Sacrament Meeting on Sunday (Sunday School early in the day and then returning later for Sacrament Meeting after lunch), and visiting teaching and mutual activities as well.  I vaguely remember it being that way, but it's crazy how time-consuming it must have been.

I'm especially touched by how much my family did together.  Mom and Dad were big on family activities.  In several journal entries spanning a week, Mom recounts how one day we went to Sundance for brunch; the next day we went to Mt. Timponogos and to Provo for miniature golf; the next day to an amusement park called Lagoon where we also picnicked; the next day to Park City to go on the Alpine Slide; and the next day to Murray Park for a picnic.  I fondly remember family vacations we took to Disneyland, Yellowstone Park, British Columbia, Las Vegas, Seattle, the Grand Canyon, etc.  We had regular family home evenings when I was young and we had family dinner regularly.  I know there are many people out there who have had less than ideal family lives, but mine was great.  I miss that family togetherness.  We still get together, but of course with new marriages, new families, and new lives, it is never the same as it was when I was a child.

Mom is doing well.  She's actually been quite coherent and articulate lately, almost like talking to my old mom.  I think assisted living has been very good for her...and for us.  There are days when she would like to leave, but she seems like she is adjusting well.

Mom's brother died a few days ago.  He was in pretty frail health.  I did not know him well.  I met him once when I was a kid, but distance prevented any real relationship with him.  He and Mom were close when they were young, but in later life it seemed they only spoke or wrote on birthdays or holidays.  I always found that kind of sad.  When I told Mom he had died, she didn't react too badly.  She said she hadn't spoken to him in a while (which was true) and seemed resigned that if it was his time to go, it was his time to go.  The next day, however, it seemed to hit her more and she was upset about it.

At first I thought her reaction was strange, but then I thought of my relationship with my own brother, who I love and admire a great deal, but with whom I have little in common.  My older sister's death would be more liable to break me up than his would.  I don't mean that to sound insensitive.  I don't mean it that way.  I just mean that I am closer with my sister than I am with my brother.  I can see my relationship with my brother being much the way Mom's was with hers.

Mom's other brother (who I think she's a little closer to (although they don't communicate much, either) called Mom and spoke with her, and I think that was nice for Mom.

Anyway, it will be interesting to see who buys Mom's house and what becomes of it.

When Corporate Idealism Meets Corporate Reality

I admit that I have a tendency to be naive and idealistic at times.  I tend to think people are basically good; I'm genuinely surprised when people don't follow rules; and am shocked by the terrible things human beings do to one another.  I totally relate to the character, Don Quixote in the novel of the same name.

As I've mentioned, I've recently procured a new job as an usher at a theater in town.  It's not just an usher job; there is some performing involved as we help get people in the mood for the show as well as telling them where their seats are, and that was one thing that appealed to me about it when I applied.  Here are things I like about my new job:

* The hours.  They're ideal; exactly when I want to work.  I'm a night owl, and I start at 5:00 pm and end at 11:30 pm.  Perfect!  And the fact that I only work six and a half hours doesn't bother me at all even if it means I earn less.

*It's relatively easy.  Honestly, I'm just helping people find their seats while entertaining them and occasionally telling them to stop taking pictures.  It's not brain surgery.

*I get a free meal.  The company I work for provides a free hot meal as part of working there.  It's also healthy, so that's a great perk.

*It's keeping me in shape.  I run around a lot and maneuver a lot of stairs.  It's helping me feel more healthy.

*I get to act.  Even though I'm not on stage, I still get to play a character in this position as well as do some improvisation, and so that has been good for my creativity.

*It has the potential to turn into a full-time position.  Even though it's an on-call job, it could become a full-time, permanent position, and that appeals to me as well as the stability that comes with it.

*I like my boss.  He's pretty laid back and easy to work with.

*The hours are flexible.  Flexibility is good should other acting opportunities come up.

*Benefits.  After I work there for ninety days, there are all sorts of benefits such a health insurance, paid time off, free shows, etc.  I like that.

*The show is great.  The show which I'm an usher for is top notch.  Great music, great effects, great story, talented performers.  It's pretty incredible, and it's nice to be a part of it even in a small way.

*Supportive staff.  For the most part, my co-workers are supportive and helpful, and I have appreciated that.

*Two long breaks.  We get two 35 minute breaks during our shift plus 45 minutes prep time before our ushering duties start.  So really, we're essentially actually working only 4 and a half hours at a job that's not that difficult to begin with.

*The pay is good.  I get paid $16.86 an hour, which is less than what I earned in my last acting job, but still pretty good.  While I'm in full-time training, I'm earning pretty decent money.  Once I go to official on-call status, it may be more of a struggle until the summertime, which will be busier.

*The job is fun.  I actually do enjoy what I'm doing.  Will I feel the same in a year?  Who knows?  But right now I'm liking it.

*I like meeting different people.  Many people from all over the world see our show, and it's fun to meet them and know that we're bringing them some joy.

Things I don't like about my new job:

*The traffic.  In a commute that would take about 20 minutes in a city with a less traffic, it takes me about 45-55 minutes, and the people here drive so terribly.  I really dislike it.

*Constant standing.  Especially because part of my uniform includes a pair of uncomfortable boots, the continual standing is hard on my knees and feet.  I tried using cushioned insoles, but they didn't help.  I just don't enjoy standing for prolonged periods of time, but that's what my job requires.

*Difficult guests.  Thus far they've been rare, but we do get some drunk people and occasionally disgruntled guests, and I don't enjoy dealing with them.

*Radio communication.  As part of our job, we ushers communicate with one another by using closed circuit radio, and I have a very difficult time understanding everything.  Unfortunately, it is pretty important to understand what my fellow ushers are saying, so this is a great annoyance to me, especially in areas of the job which are highly dependent upon radio communication.

*Lack of uniformity.  Because my boss is so laid back, I feel like there isn't a very strict, uniform system in place for how things are supposed to be done, so many ushers kind of do their own thing, and this can be a bit frustrating.

And this brings me to the title of my post.  As I was going through orientation for my job, we were of course were trained on how to be the ideal employee.  And in my naivete, I figured that's actually how it would be; that everyone would be happy and supportive and do their best.  And that's what I intended to do myself. 

But then you meet some of the jaded and discouraged; you hear the backbiting and see employees failing to support one another; you see employees frustrated by their boss' management style; you see people who have been at the job for too long or who just think of it as a humdrum job; and you realize the ideal doesn't always exist.

But I believe it can.  I believe your job is all about your attitude.  I went to McDonald's yesterday and the guy at the drive-in window was peppy, happy, and gave great customer service.  The lady at K-Mart today was enthusiastic and friendly.  I've seen some members of the housekeeping staff at a local hotel sharing their great attitudes.  Likewise, I've seen employees fighting, grumbling, gossiping, and debasing one another.

I learned so many great things in my orientation and continue to learn great things in my training.  I intend to give my all to the guests I serve, the co-workers with whom I work; and the boss who directs me.  I intend to keep a good attitude and do the best job I can.  I don't want this to just be a job; I want to be the best employee I can be.  That's how I've always tried to be in my jobs.  It's not always easy, especially when you're in a job that feels unfulfilling.  I'm glad I like my job.  Of course, it's still new and fresh.  Will I always feel that way?  I don't know.  But I just want to be the best employee I can be. 

Most of all, I'm just grateful to have a job at all.

A Dream Deferred?

I'm somewhat ashamed to admit it, but I used to kind of look down on my theatre friends who"gave up" on their theatrical dreams to pursue other employment.  I used to silently judge them and think how sad it was that they stopped acting or costuming or directing or what-have-you to go into banking or bar-tending or teaching or to be a housewife or whatever.

Some of these friends really could have gone far in their theatrical careers, I feel, and I always thought it unfortunate that those talents were not being shared they way I felt they should have been.  Some probably made the right choice to pursue other careers.  And some still are active in nonprofessional theatrical pursuits, which still made me a little sad because I feel they could have had successful professional careers.

I have had a very successful acting career, and acting has always been a huge part of my life.  However, I feel like some of my regular employment is drying up.  With our selling Mom's house, I can no longer live there when I'm in Utah.  One of the companies for which I most consistently work will not be able to afford to house me; the other will not likely house me either (not to mention that there is a new artistic director, and I feel I am being "phased out" somewhat).

I've also missed Jonah terribly while I've been away from him, and the longer I've been home with him, the more I just want to stay home.

And frankly, at my age (I'm only 42 (well, I will be in 3 days), but I'm not getting any younger), I'm just tired of the instability of my career; I'm tired of constantly hustling for a job; musicals are getting harder to do because my body and voice are not in the shape they once were; and union jobs seem to be getting harder to find.

I've recently been hired as a glorified usher for a theater that is part of a rather large corporation.  While it is an ushering job, there is a bit of acting and improvisation involved as i will be playing a sort of character that gets the audience in the mood for the show. It won't be the same as being on stage, but I'm actually looking forward to it.

I had an orientation meeting on Thursday to learn about company policy and their mission statement and take a tour of the property, etc.  I have to say, I'm actually quite excited.  The job starts out as an on call position, but has the potential to turn into a permanent position by the summer, hopefully.

When I hear about all the benefits that come with the job once it becomes a full-time position, it kinds of excites me.  Some of these benefits I admittedly do already receive because I belong to Actors' Equity, but it will be nice to have a more permanent, stable job that provides similar benefits.  Some of the benefits include really good health insurance, enrollment in a 401(k), life insurance, a paid day off to get a doctor's check up, pension, free counseling if needed, fitness classes, discounts at stores and eating places on the property, educational assistance, one free meal per shift, paid time off and vacation pay, among others.

I like the attitude and philosophies of this particular company (at least in theory; I'll wait until I've actually worked for them for a while to make a final judgment), and thus far, everyone has been extremely welcoming and warm.  It's been a great first impression.

Even though, it's an on-call job, I'm currently going through orientation and training, both of which will be paid for, so that will be nice.  And while maybe it's not the acting job I dream of, I do think it will be a job I enjoy doing, and I'm looking forward to it and am even seriously considering taking a hiatus from full-time acting to perhaps do this job for a while.  I long for something stable, secure, and close to home, and maybe this job will provide that.

I never thought I'd want to take a break from full-time acting, but that's the way I'm feeling right now.  I've had a great run, and if my acting career were to stop right now, I'd feel enormously blessed and fortunate to have done all I've done as an actor.  I don't anticipate that I'm giving up acting forever.  And who knows if I will find this new job satisfying.  Perhaps a year from now I will yearn to be on stage again.  But for now, I think I'm looking forward to this.

Part of me, of course, thinks, "Am I giving up on my dreams?"  I don't really feel like I am.  I just feel like I'm trying to be smart and responsible.  I'm tired of the constant grind of looking for work and losing work.  I'm getting too old for it.

What's interesting is that Jonah is kind of in an opposite place.  After nearly ten years of working as a dresser of actors, Jonah longs to do something more creative and artistic; something that is more in line with what he's always longed to do.  It will be interesting to see where our careers go from here.

My First Gay Kiss: Six Years Later

Six years ago on March 17th I kissed Jonah for the first time.  At the time, it was both wonderful and awkward; scary and terrific; and I was full of so many conflicting feelings, among them incredible guilt; incredible excitement; and love, love, love!  You can read about it here.

I remember the date well because it was both St. Patrick's Day and my brother's birthday.  Jonah and I were in Anaheim because we were on a Disneyland trip (our first time together).

Six years later and what seems to be a lifetime ago, kissing Jonah was one of the very best first steps I took to what has become a very happy and satisfying life.  I am filled with enormous gratitude for where I am now and how far I've come in my journey as a gay man.

No regrets.  Not one.

Useful Theatre Tips

A friend on Facebook posted this article about an acting career.  It's called, "Things I Wish I Had Been Told in Theatre School."  I thought it was a very good and accurate article.  Good tips for young actors who want to make a career out of it.  Enjoy.

Turning A Glorious Corner

So six days ago on March 13, I had my usual conversation with Mom where she told me she didn't understand why she just couldn't go home and was trying to figure out ways to escape and was mad at my younger sister for not taking her home.  She felt her kids didn't care about her and was her normal, sad self that she's been since we moved her into assisted living.

The very next day, March 14, it was like talking to a completely different person: she was happy and laughing and talking about how she'd lived at the facility for two or three years and liked it there and talked about her friends and shared an experience about visiting one of her friends in her room and the therapy dog coming to visit. She was laughing about it.

She talked about playing a game and winning. She was in a great mood and said she saw no reason to go back to her old place because no one was there anyway and she didn't even know if the house was there anymore.

She talked about having her own room and TV and said the place she was at wasn't too bad. She was looking forward to a Planetarium visit the next day.  She talked about how she and my older sister had gone on a fun drive (forgetting that it was actually a not-so-fun drive to the doctor).

She said she hadn't seen my younger sister in a while and that she had once asked her to take my mom home, but probably wouldn't now because "[my younger sister and her husband] need to live their own lives and don't need me hanging around."

She said she had lived at the assisted living facility before she lived there and would probably live there the rest of her life.

I am not sure what caused such an abrupt reversal in my mom, but it was so great to see her happy for a change.

 My biggest fear was that it would be temporary, but every day I've talked to Mom since then, she has said essentially the same thing: she's happy where she's living; it's her home; she has no reason to go back to where she used to live because nobody is there; she has friends where she is; and things are looking up.

 It's a miracle, and I credit God with helping her make a positive adjustment.  I also think there are things my family has done that have helped her become positive about her living arrangement.  Mom refers to a note my sister put up (based on another note my sister-in-law put up) essentially telling Mom this place is her home and that she lives there and that he family loves her.  

 Coincidentally (or not-so-coincidentally (I don't believe in coincidences)), the night before Mom's incredible change, I was on the phone for about an hour with a distant relative I went to school with who has been working with people in Mom's situation for ten years.  She offered a good picture of what we how we can expect Mom to be now and in the future  and things we can do to help her.  She actually offered some helpful suggestions, but one of the things she talked about was positive programming, and I believe the notes created by my sister and sister-in-law have been helpful in changing Mom's programming into something more positive.  

 Mom and I also had a conversation on the 13th where she had been depressed at the start of the call, and I steered her in a more positive direction by the end; I'd like to think that helped as well.

Whatever the reason, I so don't care.  It's just so nice to hear Mom be so positive about where she lives.  I must admit, she made me silently chuckle when she said a funny/not-so-funny thing.  In her excitement about her new digs, she said, "...and we get three meals a day here, and it's all free! We don't have a pay a thing!"

Oh, if you only knew, Mom. If you only knew.

Still, hearing my mom so happy and engaged is worth any price.  It's what I've longed for and it happened much sooner than I expected.  I hope it sticks.  It seems to be.

Feeling Blessed

After four months of unemployment and who knows how many resumes and job applications, I have finally been offered a job.  It is an on-call position as a theater usher, but it does have the potential to become a permanent position.  Although it is not an acting job per se, it does involve some performing and improv (the ushers are characters who set the mood for the patrons before they see the show).  Because I'm starting out on the bottom, it may be a bit of time before I make any real money, but I am still excited about it.  The pay is not bad (if you work often), there are health and pension benefits, and it has the potential to be a stable, permanent job.  I think it will be something I enjoy doing.  I hope so anyway.  In any case I am looking forward to it and frankly, at this point I'm just happy to have any kind of job.  My unemployment runs out soon.

Coincidentally (or not-so-coincidentally (I don't believe in coincidences), after 6 months of unemployment, Jonah was offered a temporary job that paid about $1,000 and was also offered an on-call position as a dresser at a local theater.  It also has potential to become more permanent. 

These jobs are not ideal, but we are extremely grateful to have them, and they at least relate to our skill set and interests. 

Things are looking up.

When Did I Become Responsible?

Sorry I've been a way for a while.  Life has been busy, and I just haven't been able to find the time (or frankly, the motivation) to write.  You probably needed a break from the sad story of my dementia-addled mom anyway because, yes, that's yet again the subject of today's post.

Jonah and I went back to Utah a week ago to take care of some legal and house matters involving my mom.  For once, I was actually grateful that the two of us were unemployed so we could take the trip down together.

Legally, essentially what we are doing is moving all of Mom's assets (except for her monthly Social Security check) into a new trust so that some of her assets can theoretically be saved.  Basically, it's a loophole that gives the trust ownership over her assets so that when she applies for Medicaid, the only money she will have in her own account is her monthly Social Security check, which is good since the state only allows a person to have less than $2,000 to qualify for Medicaid and only leaves the recipient with $45 a month to use for things Medicaid and Medicare don't cover such as regular dental care, vision care, podiatry care, and getting her hair done, for example.  Just another example of how our broken health care system bleeds the infirm and ill dry and leaves them with little dignity.

Of course, the downside is that gifting one's assets before applying for Medicaid carries a penalty.  Essentially, Mom's lawyer will apply for state aid now knowing full well that she will be denied and penalized for gifting all of her assets to the trust.  The penalty period is approximately four years, during which time we use Mom's assets, which will be in this new trust, to pay for her care.  Once the penalty period is over, Mom's lawyer will help her reapply for Medicaid, and because she, herself, will not make enough through Social Security to be denied, she should theoretically be approved, and the assets in the trust can be used to pay for those things Medicare and Medicaid don't cover, and possibly there may even be some money remaining after she dies, which is what should would have wanted.

Frankly, I don't care if there's any money left over after her death (well, except to cover funeral and death expenses); I just want my mom taken care of in this life.

Much of the success of this plan depends on selling her house because that is where the bulk of the money used to pay for her care during the penalty period will come from.  We should have enough from other assets to last 8-10 months, and we're sure we can sell her house in that amount of time.  I sure hope so anyway.  It's a nice house in a good area, and our appraiser actually valued it higher than we were expecting, so we hope we can get what it's worth.

Here's the big kicker: I am now sole trustee over the new trust that his been created, and I am sole power-of-attorney for my mom.  This carries an enormous amount of power and responsibility, neither of which I take lightly.

I am a responsible person, but I never would have imagined myself in this position.  Somehow I always thought my brother would be the one to deal with these sorts of things.  He's always been good with finances and has always struck me as level-headed and responsible.  I've always struck myself as the kid who never quite grew up.  I think that's part of why I'm an actor.

I have often been selfish in my life and freely admit I am lazy.  I would much rather play than work.  I have ambitions but rarely enough motivation to do anything about them.  I've always kind of lived my life in a "go-with-the-flow" manner rather than having concrete plans about how to get where I desire to go.  I tend to be more of a dreamer than a doer.  Certainly I have done many great things in both my personal life and career, but I've always felt I could have been capable of more if I had really put my mind to it.  Instead, I feel like much of my fortune, which I am truly grateful for, has often resulted more from happenstance than massive effort on my part.

I think my relationship with Jonah and Mom's illness have caused me to grow up more.  Mom's dementia, in particular, has really forced me to be more of a take charge kind of guy, which really is contrary to my personality.  The irony is I often have felt stymied in taking charge of some of the aspects in my own life, but somehow my love and devotion for my mother have caused me to take charge in hers.

The stress of dealing with Mom's affairs was too much for my brother.  This surprised me, actually.  His health was being adversely affected, and he asked me if I would be in charge.  My older sister didn't want the responsibility nor did any of us feel it would be wise for Mom's money to be near my brother-in-law, whose financial record hasn't been very great, partly because of troubles with his ex-wife.  My younger sister probably wouldn't feel comfortable taking the responsibility.  In any case, I am in charge.

I actually don't mind and, unlike my brother, I don't feel terribly stressed by any of it.  Perhaps I will later.  But I sleep well, and I try to manage Mom's affairs as best I can.  It does take some time and work to handle it, but I feel like I'm doing okay, and hopefully, in the long run, this will help her and us.

I do worry about what will happen if her health declines further or if she has to be moved to another facility, but I figure I'll cross those bridges when I get to them.

I have been particularly been saddened by how hard this has been for Mom.  She so wants to go home, even though she won't likely recognize her home anymore.   She feels so sad and lonely even though we visit her.  I call her every single day.  She complains that she's bored and lonely, but also makes little effort to participate or be social.  She also has a poor concept of time and a poor memory, which gives her the illusion that no one visits her or that they haven't visited her in a very long time.

Jonah and I tried redirecting her a lot while we were there.  It is almost like how you'd behave with a kid, making them forget that just bonked their head by distracting them with something else.  And that's another frustrating thing; Mom can be so childish in her behavior.  I'm truly glad there are two security doors at the place she's at because I know she would try to escape otherwise.

The time not spent with Mom or taking care of legal matters was spent going through old papers and photos of Mom's.  It was bittersweet.  Mom's house is a shell of its former self.  Furniture and donations and trash and things to sell are all placed in different rooms.  Mom's room is almost completely empty except for a chair, a vacuum, and a garbage can.  Going through Mom's stuff...selling her stuff...selling her house...spending her hard-earned money on a place she doesn't even want to be - it just feels wrong and unfair.  But it is what it is, and Mom is safer and healthier where she is.  But sadder, too.  And that makes me sad.

Jonah has been great through all this - very supportive and understanding.  I know it must get old.  And I am still is state of mourning, I suppose.  I've become almost obsessive about Mom - reading her journals...looking at old photos...preoccupying myself with her legal matters...calling her every day.  I had to take a break.  I do feel I need to call every day.  I don't want her to forget me...and she could.  But I have taken a step back from some of the other things.

I've been fortunate that some freelance writing work came my way, and I've been busy with that.  I also think I may be close to getting hired for a job here.  The company had me do two interviews and asked me to take a drug test, so I feel those are good signs.  It's an on call job, but it has the potential to turn into something more permanent.  It is theatre-related, but not acting, and somehow I seem to be okay with that.  I've had a very successful and wonderful career as an actor, and I certainly do not intend to give up that career.  But I do long for something a bit more secure.  Some days I feel like I'm getting too old for the transient, "feast-or-famine," "always-trying-to-hustle-for-the-next-job" lifestyle that an acting career is.  Maybe I am indeed growing up.  I also just want to be here with Jonah for a while.

Jonah was offered an on call position, too, but it could be very good money when he works.  He's also doing a temporary gig doing costume construction.  Anyway, after a long period of unemployment, I'm hoping things are picking up for both of us.

Well, I'm pretty wiped out.  I'm off to bed.

Oh, the very last photo I found at Mom's house (and the one I had been looking for without success) was this one taken of her at a conference President David O. Mckay presided over.

Mom is fifth from the left on the back row (with the "x" above her).  David O. McKay is on stand above and between the two men standing on the right.  I always thought it was a cool picture.  So Glad I found it.

Well, That Was A Mistake

Well, today has been hard.  I just wish things were easier.  Both yesterday and the day before when I spoke with Mom she just seemed so sad.  She wanted to go home, she felt like a prisoner, it's boring, she's all alone, etc.  The thing is I know that even if Mom were in her actual home, she'd have the same complaints.  Tuesday she couldn't remember either of my sisters' last names or either of their husbands' first names.  She's safer where she is.  But it still breaks my heart.

My niece and nephew have been selling some of Mom's stuff on KSL.com.  They've actually set up a pretty nice looking website advertising some of her stuff.  I checked it out just out of curiosity.  Boy, that was a mistake.  It broke my heart!  Seeing all of Mom's stuff, some of it filled with so many memories, being sold to a bunch of strangers.  Actually, I think some of her stuff is being underpriced, but I'm not in charge of all that.  And, truthfully, I am glad my niece and nephew are handling it.  I wouldn't be able to do it.  I told Jonah I would just be crying and crying over selling and giving away Mom's stuff.  It would be too hard.  It's already hard, and I'm not even there.

I saw pictures on the website of Mom's old couch that has been reupholstered once, but is still the original couch that has been in that house for years and years and years.  Going for $15 (and is probably worth just that at this point).  The old roll top desk my dad was so excited to get went for $90 (Jonah thinks they could have gotten more for that).  An old teapot we got from my grandma (Jonah thought that one had been undersold as well).  The piano Mom wanted because she wanted to learn to play piano.  In the end, she gave up, and I was the one who used it the most.  In fact, my sister-in-law asked if I would be taking it.  Jonah and I already have a piano, and Mom's is very heavy and cumbersome.  I just can't take it nor do I really want it.  But it sure makes me sad to watch it be sold.  I shouldn't have looked at the site.  I think it's better not to know.  It's too painful.

My younger sister and her husband took the really nice hutch that Mom got when she and I worked at a theatrical supply company.  I imagine the next time I go back to Utah, the house will be a shell of its former self.  That house was home to me for so long, and now it isn't.  Even last time I was there it just didn't feel like the home it once was.

Truthfully, I do get days when I feel angry.  I'm mad that Mom can't live happily in her house for the remainder of her life.  I'm upset that we will be using her savings and selling her home to pay for her to stay in a place she doesn't even want to be.

And I know rationally it's all what needs to be.  But my heart sure has trouble with it sometimes.

I was reading a journal entry my mom wrote 12 years ago where she was talking about cleaning up my two nieces' vomit while she was babysitting them.  One of those nieces is the one living in her house now, and her husband found Mom passed out in her own vomit before she was taken to the hospital shortly before she was finally moved into this assisted living facility.  It made me think of the irony.  Funny how our roles change as we get older.

I've also been frustrated and discouraged by the hunt for employment.  It really is starting to take a toll on me.  When I think of people who have been unemployed for far, far longer than I have, I just think, "Please, please let me find a job soon."  I can't even imagine what they're going through.

In spite of the challenges, I am grateful to be with Jonah.  I am grateful for what I am accomplishing with my free time.  And I am grateful I am still able to collect unemployment (although not for much longer).  I can't imagine where we'd be without it.  I just hope this joblessness doesn't last too much longer.

As I finish this post, I see a photo my younger sister posted on Facebook.  It is of Mom and my brother-in-law dancing (an activity Mom has always enjoyed) at a Valentines social at the assisted living facility.  Mom has a big smile on her face.  It is great to see her smiling in her new home.  I hope I can see more of that.

Taking Risks

I've never thought of myself as much of a risk taker.  I'm pretty practical and tend to take the safest route.  But as I thought about it, I have seen two huge risks I've taken in my life that paid off very well: my choice to become an actor and my choice to essentially leave the LDS Church to have a life with Jonah.  Both of those choices have brought me immeasurable happiness.  That isn't to say there haven't been challenges associated with either, but I certainly do not regret either one, and certainly neither one was necessarily a "safe" choice.

I am faced with a potentially risky prospect, although I feel it is the right thing to do.  As you well, know, Mom is now in an assisted living facility, and of course, that is very expensive and will eat through Mom's assets relatively quickly.

A family advocate who deals with Medicaid issues faced by families going through what mine is going through and who was recommended to us by the assisted living facility where Mom is put us in touch with an attorney who specializes in financial planning for the elderly and who also has a great knowledge about Medicaid, how it works, and its pitfalls.  He and the family advocate both said that there is a way to save some of Mom's assets from being completely spent down before Medicaid will take care of Mom's expenses.

The attorney also said that even once one qualifies for Medicaid, there are certain things that neither Medicare nor Medicaid will cover so it's good to have a safety net of assets that Medicaid can't touch.  Essentially the plan the attorney proposes is setting up a living trust of which one of Mom's kids would be the trustee and which most of Mom's assets would be put into.  This would make what were once Mom's assets technically become someone else's even though, in truth, they are still really hers.  This is kind of a legal loophole one can use to avoid losing all of Mom's assets before the state will help out.

However, when an applicant applies for Medicaid, the state will look back and see if such transactions have occurred and will penalize the applicant for doing so, preventing them for applying for Medicaid for a certain period of time.

Our rough estimate is that if we were to go forward with this plan, Mom would be unable to qualify for Medicaid for nearly four years, during which time we would still use her assets to pay for her care, but then once she qualifies for Medicaid we could still hang on to whatever assets are remaining to help pay for the things Medicaid and Medicare don't cover and could even perhaps leave some remaining for funeral and death expenses and even inheritance (although inheritance is not our goal; our goal is to help care for Mom).

The legal fees for implementing this plan run anywhere from $5000 to $8000 depending on the complexity of the plan, and of course, when you're already stressed and worried about having enough money to care for your mom, that seems like a lot; but it's also important to look at the money as an investment that you will theoretically gain back.

The big risk is what happens if we don't sell Mom's house because that is crucial, as the bulk of the money we would use to pay for Mom's care during the penalty period will come from that, and if we don't sell it, how will we pay for her care once the money we have runs out.

Now Mom's house is a pretty good house in a decent neighborhood and should be fairly simple to sell, but in real estate, who knows?

It is comforting to know that the law firm we're dealing with has a great reputation for honesty and trustworthiness.  It is also comforting to know that an independent lawyer friend who helped Mom in the past when my dad died recommended we do this.  And it is very, very comforting to know that the attorney we are dealing with has had a 100% success rate in preserving some of the assets of the elderly in similar situations as my mom except in cases where the person died during the penalty period, and I actually anticipate Mom will live a while, and even if she doesn't, we would burn through her assets anyway, so really, what do we have to lose.

I am also very comforted by the attorney himself.  In my conversations with him, he is both confident and knowledgeable, but more importantly, I genuinely think he cares about the elderly and their families and how situations like this affect them.  He got into this branch of law originally because of the struggles his own family faced when his grandmother suffered a stroke.

My brother and I hold power of attorney for Mom.  Until just recently, my brother was trustee over her trust, which theoretically protects her assets after she dies (which is different from the trust this lawyer wants to help us create, which theoretically will protect some of her assets while she's still living).  My brother chose to abdicate his duties as trustee because the financial responsibilities have caused him great stress and have been affecting his health in negative ways.  I am now the trustee and am now largely responsible for Mom's bills and financial matters.

After having a long conversation with this attorney, I am convinced that this plan can help save some of Mom's assets and will help her and us financially in the future.  I have talked to my family about this.  My brother, surprisingly (because I thought he would be the most resistant), said if I felt it was a good idea and because our family friend recommended it as well, he supports me in my endeavors (I think more than anything, he's just glad I'm in charge of this stuff and not him).

But, good idea or not, I am scared to make this decision because there are potential risks, and I certainly don't want to do anything to put Mom at even greater risk than she already is; and if things do fall apart for some reason, it will be on my head, and who wants that?

As I was stressing about whether to actually go through with this prospect, I was in a store with Jonah yesterday and there was one of those motivational signs that said simply, "What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"  I thought to myself, "I would save as much of what my mom worked her whole life for as I could."  Simple as that.

Of course, I do not know if this plan will succeed or not.  If everything works out the way it should, it will.  But things can go wrong.  Like I said, I think of myself as someone who doesn't take risks very often; who would rather play it safe than gamble.  So I'm scared even though I think this is the right way to go.  And I guess it's okay to be scared.  But as Jonah often says, "You have to live life by faith, not fear."

I hope this is the right decision.  I believe it is.  Nothing's ever 100% guaranteed.  I can't worry too much about "what if?"  I just have to believe that things will work out for the best.  God has always looked out for my family, and I believe he always will.  We will certainly face challenges, but I believe we can succeed.  I hope and pray so anyway.