Redemption (Sandy Duncan Part 2)

So if you've been reading my blog, you will know that I was a bit star-struck recently by actress Sandy Duncan which I wrote about here. As I previously stated, I acted kind of like an idiot because I was just so enamored of her.

Well, this evening a friend of mine invited me to go out to dinner with several mutual friends, and Sandy Duncan was also invited as well. (Actually, my friend knows full well that I like Ms. Duncan and wanted to give me a chance to get to know her better). I drove to the restaurant separately, and while I was driving I kept saying to myself, "Okay, just play it cool. Don't be a geek. Just treat her like you would treat anybody else." Well, it worked; I was completely cool, and I even sat next to (and shared a pizza with) Sandy Duncan. We talked a lot, and I got to know her, and I had a terrific evening. At the end of the night she even complimented me for being a "good seat-mate." So I feel I have redeemed myself.

And by the way, Sandy Duncan is just as delightful as I had envisioned she would be. Yea!

Tap Dancing

As I predicted, the tap class I am taking is frustrating the hell out of me (pardon my language)! Argggggghhh! I can sing. I can act. But, alas, dancing is not my forté, and my feet cannot seem to coordinate the weight shifts necessary to tap dance successfully.

On one hand, I'm glad to be taking tap because I think it's a skill a musical theatre performer ought to know. On the other hand...I have to take a whole semester of this?! Arggggghhh! I think I wanna kill myself.

Just kidding about the "killing myself" part. Just an attempt at humor. In all seriousness, tap is not as bad as I make it sound (but, really, it is).

The end.

Bath and Body Works and Sandy Duncan

I've had a job at Bath and Body Works off and on for the last three or so years. I originally took it as a way of supplementing my income while doing theatre because the reality is that acting doesn't always pay the bills. I certainly never intended to make a career of it. In fact, I had never stepped into a Bath and Body Works store until I went in for the job interview.

The job didn't pay much, but I did enjoy the work I did, which was stocking supplies. It meant I didn't have to deal with customers very much, which I liked, and the job itself appealed to my anal-rententive need to put things in their "proper" place. I also was quite fond of the flexibility in my schedule. My bosses have always been absolutely great about working with my theatre schedule. And, for the most part, I enjoyed my co-workers.

I actually got really good at the job and was considered one of the most organized, dependable, and responsible workers there; so much that each time I went out of state to go to school, my old bosses were very eager to have me back for the Christmas and summer seasons when I would come back home.

But each time I have gone back, I have grown more tired of the job. The day before my last day was just a bad day. I am generally a very positive person, always trying to look on the bright side of things, but this particular day I just was feeling a very negative energy. It started when I got my paycheck. It was much lower than I had anticipated (not that I was expecting it to be huge or anything). Much of that was due to the government taking out so much (which I'm sure I will be thankful for later - I think I'm due for a refund this year), but it just sunk in that the job is no longer worth the money. I work really hard there, and it just plain doesn't pay enough. That isn't anyone's fault; that's just the way it is, but it made me ask myself why I still continue to work there. There are still a lot of good people that work there, but they've also been hiring a bunch of slackers lately, and three co-workers and two managers, in particular, have been getting on my nerves. I just no longer enjoy the atmosphere. My boss (the head manager, who I adore) said she would be moving out of state in April, and that leaves only one person in charge that I like. Also, the company has had a software problem that has caused their computers to commit clerical errors that cause the distribution center to send us an overabundance of stuff we don't need and none of what we do, and as a stockperson that can be frustrating. Anyway, it just all was adding up, and this particular Friday, I decided that I'm done working there. I never say never, but I'm pretty sure that was the end of the road for me as far as Bath and Body Works is concerned. It's time.

Don't get me wrong. I really did enjoy my time there. It's a good company, and there were certainly other benefits I received by working there, but it's time to move on to other things. (By the way, my last day was much, much better.)

So school starts on Tuesday. Only four more months, and I am done with school. Yea! Very exciting (and just a tad scary)! I know it's going to go by very quickly. As I was walking on campus yesterday I thought to myself, "This is it: the beginning of the end." I will miss it immensely. This program has been immeasurably fabulous.

It's been nice seeing Jonah again. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the love he showers on me. Two days ago we went to Soup or Salad, a place that both my mom and Jonah like that I don't enjoy so much. I happened to be on the phone with my mom and she was ribbing me about going to Soup or Salad with Jonah when she wouldn't go with me. Then she asked to talk to Jonah, and they were joking with each other about me. It felt really good to know that my mom and my boyfriend were joking around with each other. It makes me more comfortable. My mom's incredible. Jonah's incredible. I'm very blessed.

Jonah's going through some tough stuff with his family. It's really hard for him. It hurts me to see him in pain, but many of these issues are things he has to work out himself. I'm just trying to remain supportive, like he was with me when I was really having a hard time with my religious issues.

We've been talking pretty seriously about moving in together. Not sure when it will happen (he still has stuff to work out before it can happen), but it's both exciting and scary to think about. I'm a pretty independent person, so it's unnerving sometimes to think I'm settling down with someone. Yet, at the same time, I'm glad I've arrived at a point in my life when I'm actually willing to settle down with somebody and, honestly, I can't imagine finding a better mate than Jonah.

I don't know what's right or wrong for everybody else, nor would I dare to influence anyone else to choose what I have chosen, but I know this: I am much happier, much less stressed, less uptight, more open, and more at peace than I was when I was trying so hard to live a life that never felt like my own. It's strange because I still believe the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true. I just can't deny that. I wouldn't want to. Yet, in some unexplained way, I don't feel guilty for living my life contrary to what I've been taught, and I feel that my relationship with God is very, very good (in many ways, better than it's been in a long time). What much of this has taught me is that God's love for me is unchanging, something I thought I believed, but realize I didn't understand until now (not to say I have a full grasp on it by any means).

I would be lying if I said I don't have the occasional day whn I wonder if I'm deluding or fooling myself, but most of the time I feel very, very good about where I am. I'm looking very forward to my future.



Final note: I got to meet Sandy Duncan the other day. For those of you who may not be familar with her, she was in the TV mini-series, "Roots"; the Broadway production of Peter Pan; she was in such Disney favorites as The Cat from Outer Space, The Million Dollar Duck, and The Fox and the Hound; she replaced Valerie Harper on the TV series, "The Hogan Family"; and she did a series of Wheat Thins commercials in the late 70s, early 80s, I believe. I've loved her since I was a kid. I always had such a crush on her when I was a child. I just loved her smile. Anyway, I got to meet her, and I was such a doofus. The minute she flashed that smile of hers, I just became a babbling idiot. I don't get star struck very easily (heck, I worked onstage with Sally Struthers and wasn't fazed all that much), but she reduced me to a pool of fawning incoherency. She either thought I was cute or retarded. Oh, well. It was nice to meet her, and at least she was kind and gracious. I always have a fear that I'll meet somebody I admire, and they'll turn out to be a complete jerk. Fortunately, this was not the case with her.

At Last: Tales of My Vacation, School, and the Future

Well, to all those of you who have been waiting with baited breath for the further adventures of Cody - and that probably isn't many of you - here I am at long last to give you an update.

School has been so busy, busy, busy this semester. I think this was the most difficult thus far (and I've had a couple that were really challenging). I just felt like I had so much to do and not nearly enough time to do it. Still, all is well, and the semester ended happily, and I finally got a much needed rest and vacation (more about that in a sec).

The end of the semester has been a little bittersweet. In my speech class our last week we read a very touching short story by Truman Capote called A Christmas Memory. I was already a bit emotional from that, and as we prepared to end class we stood together in a very tight circle, and it dawned on me that at this time in May we would be standing in that circle for the last time and preparing to go our separate ways. I have taken class with these people for nearly three years. We do everything together, and they have become like a family to me. Some I am closer with than others, but I do love each and every one of them, and I am aware that even with the best of intentions we will go our separate ways and possibly lose touch, and there are even some that I may not ever see again. It made me a little sad.

But moving on is also an exciting thing. I have loved this program immensely. Going to graduate school is one of the best decisions, both professionally and personally, that I have ever made; but I also feel ready to move on, and I am both excited and nervous for the opportunities that lie ahead. I still don't quite know yet what I am doing after school ends, but the prospects excite me (though I am also quite certain there will be a feeling of melancholic yearning when all is said and done ("melancholic yearning?" Who writes this crap? lol).

But I am realizing it's the homestretch now, and a lot of mixed emotions come with that.

After school ended (finally!), Jonah and I took a much needed vacation (for both of us) to Disneyland and Universal Studios. It was so much fun. Jonah paid for almost all of it. I wished I could have afforded to pay for some of it, but I'm not currently in a financial position to do that, and he is, so I am very thankful for his being willing to do that. Have I mentioned lately how great my boyfriend is? (And not just because of a free trip or anything; he is just a gem of a man. I sometimes wonder what wonderful things in life I must have done to deserve somebody so special and giving and patient. I hope he truly knows how much he means to me (because, unfortunately, I don't communicate it as well as I would like to).

The trip was so nice. We left on Thursday of last week, and arrived in Orange County, where we took a shuttle to our hotel. We had the misfortune of being on the same shuttle as a very loud and obnoxious family from Iowa. Did I mention they were loud? One of them even turned to me and said, "We're kind of obnoxious." I didn't argue.

We got to our hotel in time to go to the Crystal Cathedral to see a Christmas pageant called "The Glory of Christmas." It's normally $40, but it was discount night, so we got in for $18. Jonah really wanted to see it, and I was interested in seeing it as well. I read about and seen pictures and television images of the Crystal Cathedral before, but had never been there in person. It was kind of a cool building.

The pageant itself was well done. It was basically the story of the Nativity, but they had live animals, a large set, and some very talented singers. They also had women playing the angels, and they flew them in and out. It was pretty cool. I quite enjoyed it and felt a Christmas spirit.

I'd never been to Disneyland at Christmastime, and I just thought it was magical. They sure do go out of their way to make it the "happiest place on earth." It was weird, because I have been to Disneyland numerous times in my life, and the park seemed to take on a whole new life because it was all "Christmas-fied." New Orleans Square was all done up in Mardi Gras beads made to look like Christmas decorations; the Haunted Mansion was all dolled up with a "Nightmare Before Christmas" theme so it was like being on a completely different ride; the Small World ride was all Chistmas-y and instead of hearing that annoying "It's A Small World" song over and over again, it was intermixed with "Jingle Bells" so that there was at least a bit of variety; the character parade had a Christmas theme; it "snowed" on Main Street after the fireworks show, which was kind of cool; there was a huge Christmas tree at the entrance point of Main Street; and, of course, I was with my lovely boyfriend enjoying it all. It just was a different experience than I've ever had at Disneyland, and neither of us had been there at Christmas, so it really felt kind of special.

And, of course, there was all the other cool Disneyland stuff I'm used to doing. We rode Space Mountain (my favorite ride) two times, and I loved it. We rode on Pirates of the Caribbean (another favorite of mine that we didn't get to ride on last time we were in the park because they were renovating it (now Jack Sparrow appears a few times)). I thought I would be annoyed with them tooling around with a ride I've loved since I was a child, but it was still quite the same, so I wasn't disappointed.

We decided not to ride Splash Mountain this time because last time we got very wet, and the weather was just a little too chilly to risk it. I also got a chance to go to the California Adventure Park, which I had never been to before. There was some fun stuff to do there, but it really doesn't hold a candle to Disneyland itself. Still, it was less crowded there, so we were able to get on the rides and attractions pretty quickly (and, really, it wasn't too bad in Disneyland, either, until it got dark). Jonah wouldn't go on the Tower of Terror because falling from heights is something he's not fond of (I don't blame him; I wouldn't want to go on some spider-themed ride for the same reasons) Heck, there's a part on the Indiana Jones ride that has spiders, and it freaks me out (and on the Shrek attraction at Universal Studios the next day there was a 3-D spider that gave me the willies (Jonah just laughed)). Still, he was kind enough to wait for me while I went on the Tower of Terror (which was fun, but not as exciting as I had hoped). We also saw three parades and part of the fireworks show, so it really was a lot of fun.

The next day we went to Universal Studios, which has always been a favorite of mine. Jonah had never been there. We took the studio tour, which is always a lot of fun. There were some new attractions to see, but much of it was the same as it was the last time I went. I love seeing the house from Psycho, although it's not as scary-looking as it was when I was a child. Then it was very secluded and ominous looking. Now there's a Who village (from The Grinch right behind the Bates Motel and a huge plane crash (from War of the Worlds right near the Bates mansion, so it just doesn't look as creepy as it used to. Oh, well. It's still fun to look at.

It was also fun to see the set of Desperate Housewives all dolled up (even though I've never seen the show). I love the studio tour (always have), so I really had fun. Jonah and I would like to do the VIP tour someday (where they let you get off the tram and actually get up close to the sets (and you also get to see some indoor sets as well)).

I don't think we had to wait more than five to ten minutes for any attraction we went on, so that was really nice, and we got to go on everything (many things I had not been on before). We did the Terminatorr attraction, the Shrek attraction, the Waterworld stunt show (which was very wet; fortunately we avoided that - I also find it ironic that they developed an attraction based on such a flop of a movie), the animal show (another favorite of mine), the Mummy roller coaster (a lot of fun); the Jurassic Park ride (also wet (glad I had a waterproof jacket)); the Backdraftt attraction, the Back to the Future ride, and did some shopping as well )I was really glad to find a Spiderman keychain for my roommate (who's as big of a Spiderman freak as I am a Star Wars fan). It was a really fun day and brought back a lot of good memories.

The next day we flew home and then Jonah and I drove to Utah, where my family is. Jonah didn't want me to drive alone, so we went together and he stayed at my mom's house that night and then flew back home the next day. It was a great trip and will always be a great memory for me.

Now I'm home in Utah for Christmas, and it's really been nice being with my family again. I'm also working part time at my old job, which is nice because I can sure use the money.

I also got to see a good friend on Friday who I've previously written about here. It was so good to see him. He and his ex-wife have really had a rough year due to his coming out and their divorce. I feel bad that things have been rough for them, but at the same time I'm happy that he seems to be in a better place. We had a really nice discussion, and it was really nice (for both of us, I think) to talk with someone who really kind of understood and empathized with what the other was going through. We have similar issues, of course, but have taken quite different paths in the way we dealt with it. He has made some choices in his life that really surprised me. I don't judge him for them (after all, who knows if I would have made similar choices had I been in his position), but I have been surprised by them. Still, he seems to be dealing with things in a much more healthy way now than he was, and he seems happy with his boyfriend, so for that I was thankful. Still, it made me very thankful that my relationship has evolved the way it has.

My friend's parents are still having a hard time dealing with his sexuality, but he says they seem to be coming around. I know his parents, and it isn't surprising to me that they are having a hard time (they are both great people, but rather conservative). We both agreed we never thought two or three years ago that we'd be sitting across from each other having this conversation, but we both seem to be in a good place, and for that I am grateful.

I went to church for the first time since this summer. I have missed it, but at the same time I feel somewhat hypocritical when I go to church, and there is, admittedly, an awkwardness that comes from attending now. I love church, but it is different. A good friend heard I was in a relationship and pressed me for details, and, of course, I didn't feel comfortable telling her the details, especially in earshot of so many other members. And I knew she would have a hard time with it anyway. I just didn't feel it was the time or place to deal with it. And, of course, I don't take the sacrament anymore, which feels weird. I was asked to sing and give a prayer and found myself questioning whether it was appropriate to do so (not that I don't have a right to sing or pray in church, but again, it was just that feeling of "I'm not living my life according to these precepts, so is it all right to continue to participate?" I didn't feel guilty or anything like that; I just questioned my status). For example, if you are excommunicated or disfellowshipped, there are certain things you're no longer allowed to do, like take the sacrament or offer prayers publicly or participate in class discussions, etc. Now, I haven't done anything (yet) that merits excommunication, but I am in a gay relationship and intend to keep it that way, so it may only be a matter of time.

My friend and I were discussing that very thing. There is little doubt he will be excommunicated for what he has done. I'm not sure what will happen to me. It would hurt my heart to be excommunicated, but at the same time, as my friend and I discussed, we know it's more of a protection than a punishment because it does release you from the covenants you make as a member of the LDS Church (but also releases you from many of the blessings). I don't know which is worse; to lose my membership in a church I love and to lose the blessings that come with it or to face the afterlife with more accountability.

But, you know, as I was in church yesterday I heard a story that is very common in Mormon lore by author Stephen Robinson:

"...My daughter, Sarah, who was seven years old... came in and said, “Dad, can I have a bike? I’m the only kid on the block who doesn’t have one.”

Well, I didn’t have the money then for a bike, so I stalled her. I said, “Sure, Sarah.”

She said, “How? When?”

I said, “You save all your pennies, and soon you’ll have enough for a bike.” And she went away.

A couple of weeks later I was sitting [my]chair when I heard a “clink, clink” in Sarah’s bedroom. I asked, “Sarah, what are you doing?”

She came to me with a little jar, a slit cut in the lid, and a bunch of pennies in the bottom. She said, “You promised me that if I saved all my pennies, pretty soon I’d have enough for a bike. And, Daddy, I’ve saved every single one of them.”

My heart melted. My daughter was doing everything in her power to follow my instructions. I hadn’t actually lied to her. If she saved all of her pennies, she would eventually have enough for a bike, but by then she would want a car. I said, “Let’s go look at bikes.”

We went to every store in town. Finally we found it—the perfect bicycle. She was thrilled. Then she saw the price tag, and her face fell. She started to cry. “Oh, Dad, I’ll never have enough for a bicycle!”

So I said, “Sarah, how much do you have?”

She answered, “Sixty-one cents.”

“I’ll tell you what. You give me everything you’ve got and a hug and a kiss, and the bike is yours.” Then I drove home very slowly because she insisted on riding the bike home.

As I drove beside her, I thought of the atonement of Christ. We all desperately want the celestial kingdom. We want to be with our Father in Heaven. But no matter how hard we try, we come up short. At some point all of us must realize, “I can’t do this by myself. I need help.” Then it is that the Savior says, in effect, All right, you’re not perfect. But what can you do? Give me all you have, and I’ll do the rest.

He still requires our best effort. We must keep trying. But the good news is that having done all we can, it is enough. We may not be personally perfect yet, but because of our covenant with the Savior, we can rely on his perfection, and his perfection will get us through." Stephen Robinson, Ensign, Apr., 1992

As I listened to the story for the millionth time, it struck me a very new light: I thought to myself, "I only have sixty-one cents." Sixty-one cents isn't enough to buy a bike; it's not even close. But it's good enough. I feel in my heart that I am doing my best under the circumstances life has dealt me. It's not perfect. It's not ideal. It may not even be according to "the rules." But it is my best at this time in my life, and I felt the Spirit of the Lord testify to me that things were okay between me and Heavenly Father; that my "sixty-one cents" is good enough.

I don't know what the future holds, but I do know this: I feel at peace; I don't feel guilty or stressed or uptight or repressed or any of the things I used to feel when I was trying so damn hard to be something I just never felt I was; and I feel very happy, happier than I've felt in a long, long time. I feel I can be myself, I feel comfortable in my skin, and I'm far more open and much less afraid than I was in the past. The wall that I kept up so long in life is finally coming down, brick by brick, and I am a better person for it. In many ways I understand God's love for me better than I ever have.

I always thought my world would somehow implode if I ever came out; that the powers of hell would somehow descend upon me and cause me misery and unhappiness. I've discovered that it isn't true. My friends are still my friends, my family is still my family, my God is still my God, things are good between all of us, and I am in love and happy with my life. I'm not saying things are always easy or that life is not without its challenges nor do I claim to understand why things are the way they are nor do I even remotely want anyone to think that my choices are right for anybody else (after all, each person has to figure out what's best for them themselves). Nor do I even claim that the choices I'm making will always be the right ones. I'm just saying that at this point in my life, this is the right thing for me to do, and so I'm doing it. It's been an interesting road, but well worth it.

I know I have some challenges ahead (some that I'm kind of putting off facing), but I really am very happy with where I am in life.

Jonah and I had a really great talk last night. We sure miss each other. I was listening to some music the other night that reminded me of him and was just overwhelmed by the love we have for each other. There is no doubt in my mind that that God, through his Holy Spirit, was blessing me with these feelings, and I just thought to myself, "This is right, and this is good." I don't know how that all correlates with Mormonism (because I still do believe the LDS Church is true), but, as I have always tried to do, I'm just trusting that God knows what he's doing and feel very good about our relationship with each other.

That's all. Merry Christmas, everyone.

Comments

For any of you who have sent me comments lately, for some reason they are not posting. I have my comment moderator enabled, so they get sent to my email address, but when I try to post them, I keep getting an error message. It was working fine about a week ago, but now I'm having trouble. Any of you out there who are more computer-savvy than me who know how to fix this problem, let me know. And, again, sorry your comments haven't been posted.

Bad Acting Teachers

I wish I had written this post when I was feeling more emotional about it because I think it would have conveyed my anger better, but as it is, I will have to write it feeling more calm.

In my graduate program I have had the opportunity of meeting and working with some very interesting and, sometimes, famous people in the theatre industry. In my time here I have, for example, met Hal Prince, Sally Struthers, Tommy Tune, Tony Curtis, Karen Morrow, and Don Pippin among others. Two weeks ago we had a special guest speaker, a renowned acting coach in L.A. who has worked with such performers as Leonardo DiCaprio, Helen Hunt, Hilary Swank, Hank Azaria, Noah Wyle, and Michael Clarke-Duncan, and many of these celebrities have won awards for specific movies he coached them for. This man (who I won't name (although if you do the research you can probably figure out who he is) came to do a two hour workshop with both the graduate class and undergraduate class where he would work with some of us on specific scenes we've been working on in class. It was something I was looking quite forward to, and I was excited.

Now I am not one who swears or is easily prone to anger, but this man's behavior left me feeling very upset, and the words "asshole," "douche-bag," and "bullshit" were very impressed on my mind in regards to this man and his methods. This man was one of the most arrogant, abusive, and emotionally-manipulative people I have ever met in my entire life, and I found his teaching style (if one can even call it that) repugnant and disgusting.

This man was one of those cliché "Method acting" teachers who felt he was successful in teaching one to "act' if he made you have a "real feeling," even if that feeling was completely inappropriate to the scene or the role. For example, the first scene he worked on was a scene from Hedda Gabbler, in which two of my friends were working. This man basically tore into one of my friends on a very personal level and made her cry and then made her and my friend do the scene again and felt he had succeeded in helping them be better actresses because my one friend was weeping and my other friend was obviously angered and uncomfortable because of the whole situation. Never mind that those emotions had nothing to do with the scene or the roles they were playing.

This man was an insulting blow-hard who contradicted himself on many occasions, and I found his teaching methods extremely irresponsible. I don't care if he's the greatest acting teacher in the world; his lack of humanity was repulsive to me, and I don't ever want to work with someone like that.

He was constantly name-dropping and telling us how excellent a coach he was and how much he cared about acting and actors, yet in the same breath he would insult us and deride us without knowing anything about us. He fully admitted he hated people in general and told us at the end of the workshop that if anything he said had offended or upset us, it was our fault, not his. He seemed like such a bitter, cynical man, and I was so disappointed and angry by his behavior, not to mention that he didn't really teach us anything we didn't already know; he simply insulted us and treated us like crap.

Most of my teachers (except the guy responsible for bringing him in) were upset by his behavior, and two of my teachers even walked out on the workshop. After the workshop, several of us got together and bitched about the guy for about an hour and a half.

I told my students (who weren't even present for the workshop) that any acting teacher who kills their spirit in the name of better acting isn't worth their time, and two of my own teachers told my own class just as much.

The reason I even post this is because there are acting teachers out there like this man who are emotionally-manipulative, abusive, self-important jerks, and acting students think they have to put with it because of the results. I think that is a psychologically damaging route for an actor to take, and I don't think an actor should have to put up with such crap. I'm embarrassed that this man is so renowned in the industry and that supposedly smart actors and actresses put up with his garbage.

There were a handful of actors in our group that enjoyed the workshop, and I suppose if they got something positive out of it, more power to them. What I learned is that I neither want to work with people like this man nor do I ever want to become someone like this man. One thing he said in his workshop is that he was a nice guy once, but that he wasn't anymore and didn't care what people though of him, and that his acting was richer for it, to which I say, "What profiteth it a man to gain the whole world, but to lose his own soul?"

Things Never Change, Do They?

So I was reading Antigone by Sophocles, and something struck me. For those of you who don't know the story of Antigone, without going into great detail I will say it involves a political leader named Kreon who is so dead-set in his proclamations and in being right that he forgets to be wise (now that doesn't remind you of anyone, does it?).

Here is the advice his son, Haimon, gives him:

Father, the gods' most precious gift to man
Is reason. Now, I know I haven't the right,
Nor the skill, nor, god knows, do I want,
Ever, to tell you that you have reasoned badly.
And yet it's possible that someone else
Might think differently and still be useful.
I realize that, normally speaking,
It's not for you to hear what people say,
See what they do, learn what they feel and think.
You terrify them; they say what you want to hear,
Everything else they hold back.
But I hear what they're saying, I hear their whispers,
Their muttered words in the dark...

...Father, there's nothing more dear than your success.
What greater happiness can ther be for a son
Than to see his father's name increase in glory,
And for a father to see his son do the same?

I beg of you, don't make the mistake of thinking
That only you are right. The man who thinks so,
The man who believes that only he has wisdom,
That he alone has the gift of words, the power
Of Reason - that man, when you lay him open,
Is seen to be empty. There's no shame in yielding
To Reason, even for a wise man.

Trees that bend with the flooding torrent
Come through safe and sound;
But those that resist are torn out, roots and all.
The same in sailing: pull a cloth too taut,
And never slacken, you'll end bottom-side up
For the rest of the voyage. Give yourself leeway, father:
Forget your anger, allow for change.

I know I'm young,
But if I had advice to give,
I'd say that men should always be all-wise
By nature. But since that's not the way of things,
Then learn from the good advice of others.

One thing I like about really good theatre (and I think Shakespeare and the Greek classics certainly qualify) is their universality. The flaws and predicaments that faced the characters in these plays are the same issues we deal with today.

Somehow I thought the speech was apropos. Good advice for any political leader. Even one...say...that we know. ;-)

That's all for today, though I do have plans to post an entry dealing with what I feel is deplorable methodology as far as teaching the art of acting is concerned. A recent experience prompted my feelings about it, but it is far too lengthy to talk about now. I'm a busy boy lately and also very tired right now, so I don't know when exactly I will get to it, but it is something I'm quite eager to write about , so I hope to do it sooner than later.

Great Day For Democrats!

I am pleased and happy. I don't know how much it will change things, but I am optimistic. Control of the House. It looks like control of the Senate last I heard. And Donald Rumsfeld is out. Some Democratic victories in Utah. Bush's last two years should prove challenging for him. What a delightful day!

Jonah told me why he doesn't vote. It's actually an acceptable reason. I still hope to sway him to exercise his right to vote some day, but I'm okay with his reason and decision.

My current show, Twelfth Night, is proving to be a blast. I'm having such a great time in rehearsals.

My Boyfriend Doesn't Vote

Read this post knowing that I am doing it with a somewhat humorous tone rather than a dead serious one.

I was somewhat distressed to learn last night that Jonah doesn't vote. He didn't explain why (he said it was long story), so I am not judging his decision not to vote. But, since I am a pretty politically active individual myself, it bothered me (certainly not to the extent that it has any bearing on my relationship with him; I still love him.) He jokingly said if it's not a problem that he's not Mormon, certainly his failure to vote shouldn't cause any friction between us. And he's right. I may consider it my civic duty to vote, but if he chooses not to, I suppose that is his prerogative. "Besides," I told him, "if you're going to vote Republican {which he very well might have done}, I'd rather you didn't vote."

I guess the reason I feel voting is so important is because I feel it shows you at least care about what is going on in your government and is a way to bring about change when things aren't going so well. I feel very little sympathy for people who complain about their government, but don't participate in the voting process. I feel voting gives me a right to complain. For example, I didn't vote for George W. Bush in either election, and when I hear people complain about him who either didn't vote or voted for him, I don't feel much sympathy towards them because they are the ones that caused the idiot to be elected in the first place. But I can smugly say, "Well, I didn't vote for him."

But then I also realize that often my vote doesn't always seem to make a difference in my home state of Utah. It looks like Orrin Hatch is, once again, going to remain my state senator and people like Chris Cannon still get re-elected in spite of the fact that I think both men clearly are bad for our government. Fortunately, my state representative, Jim Matheson, who is a Democrat (although about as Republican as a Democrat can be in Utah) is staying in office. But I like Jim Matheson. I feel he's a man who votes his conscience rather than just straight party, and I feel that's an important quality whether one is a Republican or a Democrat. But back to my point: I don't always feel that my wee Democratic vote holds much sway in a particularly Republican-entrenched state (and it continually boggles my mind that people keep complaining about governmental issues in my state, but keep the same people in office year after year (just because they are Republican, I assume (perhaps wrongly).

Yet, as I see the returns in some of the state elections this year, I actually do feel, for once, that maybe my vote did make a difference. I just think it's really important to be politically involved. Otherwise, how can we change what is bad or make the people we put in office accountable?

That being said, Jonah is a sweetheart, and, who knows, maybe he has a perfectly good reason for not voting (perhaps he was mauled in a tragic voting accident, and the trauma is just too much for him to bear; I don't know).

In any case, I hope you all voted.

Other info: Jonah and I had a talk about sex last night. We talked about what we're interested in doing and what we're not interested in doing once we have sex after we are married. It was a good discussion. I like that we can be frank and honest about that kind of stuff. I think it's important to communicate honestly and openly as a couple, and I feel we do that well.

It also gave me an opportunity to ask him if we could get an HIV test together before we get married and have sex. I made it clear it has nothing to do with trust issues (on either of our parts). I trust Jonah implicitly, and I know he feels the same towards me. It's more of a symbolic gesture; a way of saying that we are each other's first. I said to Jonah, "I hope that doesn't seem weird, but it's something I'd like to do." It's actually an idea prompted by something I remember reading on Scot's blog.

Jonah, as I guessed, had no problem with it, and said we could even take it together and review the results together. I was glad he was so open to it. He really is a great guy. I am so lucky to have the most understanding, patient, wonderful boyfriend on the planet.

We've been talking marriage. Obviously, we can't get married legally in this country, but we want to do something to formalize our commitment to one another. We haven't decided where or when yet, but it's been fun and exciting (and sometimes scary) to talk about). I can't believe I'm finally willing to commit and settle down with somebody. Believe you me, if you knew my dating and commitment issues in the past, I think you'd realize what a wonderful man Jonah must be for me to take this step in my life.

Before I met Jonah, I had all but given up on love and marriage. I truly believe God put him in my life, and I am so grateful and blessed to have him. Again, I know that this path is not right for everyone, and I truly do applaud each of you for doing what you feel is right for you. But this really feels right to me. It feels good. It feels happy. It feels right.

William Faulkner and Twelfth Night

I should be doing homework right now, but just can't seem to get motivated to actually do it, so I thought I'd update my blog instead. Aren't you all pleased?

So I just recently started rehearsals for Twelfth Night , which I am extremely excited about. We have a really good cast, and I am so delighted to be working with this particular director. Even if the finished product isn't to the audience's or the critics' liking, I can tell I am going to have a lot of fun.

On the night of our first rehearsal our director read William Faulkner's acceptance speech for the Nobel Prize as kind of a motivational thing and also to illustrate the vision he has for this particular production. Faulkner specifically talks about his role as a write, but our director asked us to substitute "writer" in this speech for whatever our discipline might be (i.e. acting, directing, scenic design, lighting design, etc.). So all you artists out there, take note:

Stockholm, Sweden, Nov. 10, 1950

"I feel that this award was not made to me as a man, but to my work--a life's work in the agony and sweat of the human spirit, not for glory and least of all for profit, but to create out of the materials of the human spirit something which did not exist before. So this award is only mine in trust. It will not be difficult to find a dedication for the money part of it commensurate with the purpose and significance of its origin. But I would like to do the same with the acclaim too, by using this moment as a pinnacle from which I might be listened to by the young men and women already dedicated to the same anguish and travail, among whom is already that one who will some day stand where I am standing.

"Our tragedy today is a general and universal physical fear so long sustained by now that we can even bear it. There are no longer problems of the spirit. There is only one question: When will I be blown up? Because of this, the young man or woman writing today has forgotten the problems of the human heart in conflict with itself which alone can make good writing because only that is worth writing about, worth the agony and the sweat.

"He must learn them again. He must teach himself that the basest of all things is to be afraid: and, teaching himself that, forget it forever, leaving no room in his workshop for anything but the old verities and truths of the heart, the universal truths lacking which any story is ephemeral and doomed--love and honor and pity and pride and compassion and sacrifice. Until he does so, he labors under a curse. He writes not of love but of lust, of defeats in which nobody loses anything of value, of victories without hope and, worst of all, without pity or compassion. His griefs grieve on no universal bones, leaving no scars. He writes not of the heart but of the glands.

"Until he learns these things, he will write as though he stood among and watched the end of man. I decline to accept the end of man. It is easy enough to say that man is immortal simply because he will endure: that when the last ding-dong of doom has clanged and faded from the last worthless rock hanging tideless in the last red and dying evening, that even then there will still be one more sound: that of his inexhaustible voice, still talking. I refuse to accept this. I believe that man will not merely endure: he will prevail. He is immortal, not because he alone among creatures has an inexhaustible voice, but because he has a soul, a spirit capable of compassion and sacrifice and endurance. The poet's, the writer's, duty is to write about these things. It is his privilege to help man endure by lifting his heart, by reminding him of the courage and honor and hope and pride and compassion and pity and sacrifice which have been the glory of his past. The poet's voice need not merely be the record of man, it can be one of the props, the pillars to help him endure and prevail."

I think you had to actually be at our rehearsal to really appreciate the spirit in which the piece was read, but I share it nonetheless.

Jonah and I are planning a trip to Disneyland and Universal Studios in December. We are both very excited about it.

My sister relayed an awkward moment she had at my cousin's daughter's birthday party yesterday. My cousin told her she heard I had a girlfriend (because of an email I had sent about a month ago). My sister replied that, no, I did not have a girlfriend. My cousin said, somewhat confused, "Oh, I thought he did." That was basically all that was said, but I did feel bad that my sister was put in a position where she didn't know what to reveal about my relationship with Jonah. I feel kind of obligated to tell my relatives and friends who don't know about me and Jonah. I imagine when I go home for Christmas I will at least start telling my relatives.

I've told some people and others I haven't. Not sure why. I guess I just worry about the possible negative reactions. I realize there isn't much I can do about that, but I worry about it nonetheless.

I can't believe I only have six months of school left. Boy, it has flown by quickly.

This post was rather random, wasn't it?

Hats Off!

I just want so many of you out there in blogland to know how much I admire each of you. I admire each of you for trying your best to do what you feel is best for you. I read many of your blogs, and I am moved by each of your stories in different ways. There are never any easy answers in life, and I just am filled with admiration for people having the courage to do what they feel they must.

I admire people like Beck and Elbow and John Galt and Kengo Biddles and Loyalist (with Defects) who are trying to make their marriages work and stay true to those covenants in spite of great challenges. I admire people like -l- and Master Fob and Santorio who seem to be succeeding at marriage in spite of their homosexual attractions. I admire people like Dave and Pinetree and Attempting the Path and El Veneno who seem to be active in the LDS Church and are trying to live their lives according to their testimonies in spite of great challenges. I admire people like Foxx and Chris (Hurricane) who felt they needed to make other choices in life to be happy and for pursuing love where they were previously told they shouldn't look (I suppose I'm in this category myself). I admire people like Scot and Hawaii Dave for finding and succeeding in their relationships and being a good example of what a gay relationship can be. I admire people like DCTwistedLife and Peculiar Mormon who continue to hang on even when things seem hopeless. There are so many others whoise stories I read that I admire. What I admire most about so many of you is that we all seem to be part of a bizarre network or family of people with a common starting place and even if we may not always agree on certain issues or always see eye to eye, there is a spirit of love and understanding and brotherhood without a lot of passing judgment on one another for the choices we may make. I like that. I don't think anyone can truly know what is right for another person. I think that needs to be up to that person and his Creator.

As for me, I find it ironic that I'm in such a happy, blessed place right now in spite of the fact that I'm living my life contrary to the way I was taught. I'm still the good person I've always been. My family is still my family. My friends are still my friends. My God is still my God, and I still have what I feel is a really good relationship with Him. I'm in love, I'm happy, I'm doing well, and I'm at peace. My life has not imploded as I somehow thought it would, and I feel so much less stress and repression in my life. I feel like I'm finally allowed to be the person I've always felt I was.

And, yet, ironically, I still very much believe the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is God's true church on earth. I don't think I'll ever be able to deny that (nor do I think I'd want to). But somehow all seems right regardless of the fact that I'm inactive in my church and in a gay relationship. Again, no one can fully know what is right for someone else, and I admire all of you for taking the roads you feel you must take at this time in your lives. I only know that this is the right path for me right now, and I'm happy to be on it.

A Doll House

Here is a quote from a play I am reading right now. I've read it before, but somehow I found these words apropos at this time in my life.

"I believe that, first and foremost, I'm a human being - just as much as you - or at least I should try to become one. ...I can't be satisfied any more with what most people say, or what's written in the books. Now I've got to think these things through myself, and understand them.

"...I only know what Pastor Hansen said when I was confirmed. He told me that religion was this and that and the other thing. When I get away from here, when I'm alone, I'll look into that subject too. I'll see if what Pastor Hansen said is true - or at least, if it's true for me.

"...I only know that my ideas are totally different from yours. I find out that the law is not what I thought it was - but I can't get it into my head that the law is right.

"...Now I'm going to find out for myself. I've got to figure out who's right - the world or me.

"...I've never been so clear - and so certain - about so many things as I am tonight." - Nora, A Doll House by Henrik Ibsen

Yea!

I'm just so in love!

That's all.

Looking Back

I recently reread a post I made in June that said, in part, this:

"I wish I was more emotional. I don't know why this wall is up so high or why I've subconsciously convinced myself that crying is not a good thing. Jonah will write me emails about how much he misses me and that he cries about it. I miss Jonah very much, but I don't cry. My mom's on a vacation, and I miss her, but I don't cry. Life holds many challenges, but I don't cry over them. And consciously, I'd love to cry. I'd love to have a bawling fit over something. But I don't. It bothers me sometimes that I'm so unemotional and rational and practical all the time. It makes me feel like I'm not fully living or feeling. And it bothers me that I only seem to love Jonah with part of my heart rather than all of it when I so much want to allow myself to love him fully. It's not fair to either of us. Someone like Jonah is just what I need. I love him a lot. I just wish I could feel more deeply."

It occurred to me today that I no longer feel like I'm loving Jonah with just part of my heart any more. It occurred to me that I feel a very deep love for him. I feel like I'm finally letting go of so many of the walls I've built up over the years, and it feels really good.

A Whole New World

So I flew to Utah to attend my niece's baptism. No one knew I was coming except my mom, so it was really fun to see how surprised people were by my coming. I also surprised some friends as well who didn't know I'd be in town (and told three more friends that I've come out of the closet; again, nothing but support and love all around). My brother and sister-in-law were extremely touched that I flew down. However, my main reason for writing today is to talk about airport security.

I have not flown since the week of September 11, 2001; nothing to do with a fear of flying or being attacked or anything like that; I simply haven't had the time, money, or opportunities for air travel in the five years since 9/11 occurred. I do keep abreast of the news, so I certainly am aware of all the changes that have occurred in airport security since I last flew (and by the way, the last time I flew I was taken off the plane and interrogated by the crew for about 25 minutes because they thought I might be a threat to the flight, but that is a story for another time). In any case, I had not experienced any of these changes in security firsthand until Friday, and, quite frankly, I was just sort of struck by the absurdity of it all. Please don't misunderstand me; I certainly understand how many innocent lives were taken on that tragic day and that the safety measures that are in play are there to protect us and to prevent something equally awful from occurring again, but as I was waiting in the long line to go through security, it just felt like so many of the the things that are being done are a knee-jerk overreaction to what has occurred and, on some level, feels like a way of giving the illusion that we are safer than we were five years ago when, in fact, we are only more inconvenienced.

When I went to the airport, I made sure to leave my pocketknife at home and put all my gels and liquids in the bag I checked rather than my carry-on. Of course, the security line was long, and I had to show ID and my boarding pass to get through, which, of course, wasn't something I had to do five years ago. That made sense to me. I was slightly amused by the sign at the airport that had pictures of scissors, a pocketknife, a gun, and a cartoon bomb (you know, the kind that looks like a bowling ball with a fuse in it) crossed out with red Xs to let us know we couldn't bring those items beyond that point. I can see inadvertently bringing a pair of scissors or a pocketknife and even possibly a gun, but I think anybody who's got a bomb on them (especially one that looks like it belongs in a Bugs Bunny cartoon) probably brought it intentionally, and that warning sign probably isn't going to deter them any. It's not like anybody's saying, "Oh, my gosh, honey, I forgot all about this bomb in my purse."

And then, of course, I've read about the "taking off of the shoes," but as I looked at the people ahead of me in line removing their shoes, I thought to myself, "Are we really doing this?" Of course, I took off my shoes and jacket and placed them on the conveyor belt with my carry-on (but not my belt, even though other people were removing theirs; I thought, "If they need me to remove my belt, they'll let me know." But as I went through the metal detector (but not an x-ray at this particular airport), I thought, "How do they know I don't have an envelope of anthrax in my pocket or a carved ivory knife duct taped to my thigh?" They don't.

My point is this: if a terrorist wants to wreak havoc, they will fnd a way to get through. I thought of at least four ways I could diable somebody on a plane that these particular security measures were helpless in preventing. It just bothers me that because a terrorist brings a shoe bomb on board, we now all have to remove our shoes or because a toxic liquid has been brought on board, we're now pretty much exempt from bringing toothpaste, lotion, or bottled water on board. Again, don't misunderstand me; I'm not trying to minimize the good that those security measures do. I'm just saying that a lot of it seems like a facade to me especially since those measures aren't even consistent from airport to airport. And when you think of all the attention we focus on airports and realize all the other ways a terrorist can wreak havoc that aren't even being dealt with, it just makes homeland security seem like a big joke.

But maybe we are safer. I guess I was just struck by it. It just felt silly and absurd on some level. I'm sure there are many out there that disagree with me, and that's fine. I'm not even entirely sure how I feel about it myself. It just was such a different world from the last time I flew. But it didn't strike me particularly as being any safer; just slightly ridiculous and slightly more inconvenient. I'll probably get some flak for thinking so, but it was just my general impression.

In other news, when my brother called me to express his gratefulness that I was able to come to his daughter's baptism, I expressed that I was sorry I wasn't able to stand in the circle to confirm her, and he was very nice about it. I sat between my mom and sister at sacrament meeting today and, of course, didn't take the sacrament. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm happy that even though much is unsaid, it is clear to my family that I am in this relationship with Jonah. My mom said to say hi to him when I returned and to ask him about Dancing With The Stars, a show they both enjoy. I'm so happy my mom makes a real effort to treat Jonah the way she treats my sister-in-law or brother-in-law. She knows how important he is to me and how happy he makes me and tries to make him a part of her life, and that means a lot.

In church today, in Sunday School, there was a quote about doing the best you can and doing all you can do, and I felt that under my given circumstances that I am doing the best I can and that God is okay with that. Just because I am in a gay relationship doesn't mean I can't still be a good person and serve others and be a good example in certain ways, and that gives me comfort.

Jonah and I spent some time together today, and I just felt such a strong, intense love for him. I just love him so much and am so happy with him. He has truly changed my life...for the better, I feel.

Anyway, that's my post for today. Hope all of you in blogland are well, whatever your situations or goals.

Doing My Best

The following is a quote from Beck's blog that I found very comforting. I am highlighting a different part than he did though.

"We all occupy diversified stations in the world, and in the kingdom of God. Those who do right, and seek the glory of the Father in heaven, whether their knowledge be little or much, or whether they can do little or much, if they do the very best they know how, they are perfect... "Be ye as perfect as you can," for that is all we can do, though it is written, "Be ye perfect as your father who is in heaven is perfect." To be as perfect as we possibly can, according to our knowledge, is to be just as perfect as our Father in heaven is. He cannot be any more perfect than he knows how, any more than we. When we are doing as well as we know how, in the sphere and station which we occupy here, we are justified."-- Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses 2:129-130.

I am doing as well as I know how, and in that I find comfort. I tell you, I never realized how uptight and stressed I was before I came out. I feel so happy lately. So at peace. I'm not saying it's the right choice for everyone, and I admire very much those of you who are trying to stay true to your covenants; but it's turned out to be the right choice for me. I feel very good about where I am.

Laramie closes tomorrow. It's been a wonderful experience in many ways, but I am looking forward to having some free time (and some "Jonah time") this next month.

My niece is getting baptized nest week. I'm flying home to Utah to attend. Only my mom knows I'm coming. Everybody else thinks I can't come. I think it will be a fun surprise. My only regret is I probably won't be able to assist in her confirmation. I guess that's part of the consequences. Still, I'm very eager to see my family again. I have missed them.

I'm So Tired

Nothing profound to say or anything necessarily new to report. Just want you all to know that I'm still alive and around (not that there are necessarily that many people who even read my blog (but those that do, I'm alive and well!)).

School is so incredibly busy right now, and I have been really tired lately. I feel like all I do lately is school and trying to catch a nap here and there. I barely have time to breathe. Still, I love school, and, of course, I did expect my final year to be very busy. I'm hoping once The Laramie Project closes next week, life will be a little more calm.

Speaking of which, we opened the show this past Friday, and I'm very happy with the final product. I think we have a good cast and a good show, and audiences seem to be responding well to it. I don't think it's necessarily the best written show in the world, but it's been a very good and positive experience in many ways and even spiritual on many levels. I also think it no coincidence that I happen to be doing this particular show at this particular stage in my life. It's also been fun character work and delightful to work with some actors I don't often get the chance to work with.

My mom and sister came to see it opening night and Jonah sat between them. I find it very nice that my family and Jonah seem to be hitting it off well. And for them to be seeing a play together that discusses some of my own issues is particularly interesting to me. Mom and my sister liked the show, so that's nice.

As for me and Jonah, we are doing well. We still don't get to see each other as often as we would necessarily like, but we communicate often and are doing the best we can under the circumstances. I am hoping once Laramie closes, we will be able to spend at least a little more time together before my next show starts rehearsing in November.

I've told some more people about Jonah and me, and I have just been so impressed with how well people have reacted and responded. Everyone thus far has been really supportive and understanding and, in most cases, very happy about it. I told one friend who I didn't know how she would respond, and she started crying because she was so overjoyed about it. Another friend who is Mormon (who I also didn't know for sure how he would respond) made it perfectly clear that he was very happy for me and that this new revelation wouldn't have any impact on our friendship.

There's always been a part of me who thought (not really, but I'm trying to make a point) that my world would somehow implode once I came out. Just the reverse is happening. I'm becoming a new person, I feel happier, people are happy for me, and life is going on just as it always has.

Still, I know eventually I will tell someone I care about who will not handle it so well, but as I've already discussed with many friends, at the end of the day that's their problem, not mine. Still, I imagine it will be painful. I'm just glad it hasn't happened yet.

As part of one of my courses, I had to teach my peers a method we've been learning the past two years. I was nervous when I first heard we had to do it because I've never felt terribly confident about my own expertise with this particular technique. However, I wasn't nervous at all today, and I thought I taught it very well. My instructor and peers all had very good things to say.

My schooling has brought so much growth to me in so many ways. I feel so blessed lately. Anyway, that being said, I am exhausted, so I'm off to bed now.

So Much Happiness

Jonah and I haven't been able to spend as much time together as we would like due to our opposite schedules, and so I've really grown to cherish the times we are together. Today he came over for lunch and at one point we were standing in my kitchen just holding one another, and I just started to get all teary-eyed and misty because I just felt so happy to have him as my boyfriend. This relationship just makes me so happy. No, it isn't without its difficulties and trials (as it is with all relationships), but I just love him so much. I feel so happy with who I am and how my life has changed in the last two years. And, yes, there are still things I am concerned about, but the happiness just really seems to outweigh the other stuff.

We open The Laramie Project a week from yesterday. I think it will be a good production. It's a challenge to go where we need to go emotionally to tell Matthew Shepard's story, and some nights I'm not in the mood to do it, but I guess that's just part of being an actor. I love doing drama, and this show has a lot of great stuff going for it, and I enjoy the people I'm working with, but I will be ready to move on to my next show, a comedy, when this one is over.

Possibilities

Every time I hear the following song on the radio lately, I really feel it's describing my own life's current journey in a lot of ways. It actually reminds me of a phrase in my patriarchal blessing. Lately I've just felt that there is a world of possibilities ahead. I think this song typifies that:

"Unwritten"

Natasha Bedingfield


I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines (yeh yeh)
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions


Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, yeah, yeah

Today I saw the movie Little Miss Sunshine with Jonah today. When I originally saw the trailer for it, I didn't think I would like it, but I really thought it was a great movie with a good message. I guess there were many things that could be gleaned from the film, but some things I got from it is that winners are people who try their best, regardless of whether they win the race or not. Another thing I got was that we're all imperfect people just trying our best to get through life and sticking together is important. But one thing that really resonated with me was that sometimes I think people have such a limited view of life and people. There are so many people out there who live lives very different from the ones that you or I live and sometimes because of our upbringings, we come to the mistaken conclusion that our way of life is the only right way to live a life. I'm not talking about Mormonism specifically. I'm saying that each person, no matter who he or she is in the world, often grow up with a limited view of other people's lives and circumstances, and we judge based on those perceptions. There's a whole world out there to discover. There's so many people to know and understand.

One of the things I was taught on my mission was a method called the commitment pattern, which was a tool used to meet and teach people. One of the precepts of that method was building relationships of trust with people and finding common ground. It occurred to me both then and now that it was hard to build relationships of trust with people if you approached them with a self-serving or all-knowing attitude.

I guess what I'm trying to say is when I saw this movie today it struck me that we miss out on some very interesting people because we don't make a move to know or understand them because we fear them or judge them, and I think that's sad because I think all people basically have the same needs and wants. I think we have far more in common with each other than we have differences. I'm not always successful, but I really try to look at things from other people's points-of-view. I try to put myself in another's shoes, especially when I am having difficulty knowing or understanding them. There are people I have met in my life that I have had a hard time getting inside of, and I wonder what I'm missing and what treasures I might discover if I put more love and less judgment into my efforts.

Last thought: I'm currently rehearsing The Laramie Project, which I think is rather ironic (though not coincidental) considering what I'm dealing with in my own life. I don't necessarily think it's the best written play ever, but I do think it has something to say. Of course, I think what happened to Matthew Shepard was inexcusable and tragic, but I'd also be lying if I didn't admit that there have been times in my life when I was bothered by the fact that he's often regarded as a martyr and a saint by some. I think Matthew Shepard, like all of us, was a flawed human being. He wasn't perfect and he made mistakes just like the rest of us. I guess I eventually came to realize that it's what his tragic death represents that has put him on such a high pedestal. I mean, it's not as though Matthew asked to be revered or anything. But my point is that as I was doing some research for my roles, I stumbled across the website that is maintained by his mother, and as it really hit me in my heart that these two parents lost their child to such a senseless crime, I actually started to cry. What we have been rehearsing the last week really came clear to me, and I started to see these characters as the real human beings they are.

I feel like I'm babbling and that what I'm really trying to say isn't coming out. I guess it goes back to a previous post I made, which boiled down basically to "less judging, more loving."

I Love, Loved This Quote

David said,

"I just feel that over the last four years I've learned to relax a bit and enjoy life in a way that I never allowed myself before. I've experienced parts of myself that I didn't even know were there. I was so preoccupied with everything I thought was wrong with me I never stopped to look at what was right with me. I was trying to be perfect when I should have been trying to be myself. I was so worried about whether or not people would like me and accept me for who I was pretending to be while at the same time longing to feel that I would be accepted for who I truly was. ...I've learned that if people don't accept you for who you are, or you feel like you have to live a lie when you are around them, then you need to move past those people.

"I finally feel like I can be authentic. I owe that to my own inner progress as well as to my family and many of my friends. I have friends, gay and straight, that have accepted me as I am while encouraging me to be better. Not their definition of better, but mine, and that is one of the most affirming things anyone could do for me."

I understand whereof he speaks.