Excommunication (or UP and Away)

Be forewarned: this is a long post!

Sunday I was excommunicated from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, a religion to which I have belonged for 38 years of my life. Although there was always a small glimmer of hope that this might not be the outcome, I feel I have known for some time now that it would be, and I felt quite strongly two weeks ago that this was to be the case, but that I need not fret about it.

I am not sad, as I thought I might be. It does, admittedly, feel a bit strange to know that I am no longer a member of the Mormon faith on record, although no one can ever stop me from being a Mormon in my heart. It also feels very weird to no longer wear my garments, as I have become accustomed to them over the last 18 years.

What I did realize in my church disciplinary council was that I already made peace with Heavenly Father regarding my homosexuality quite a while ago and that in spite of this judgment, things are good between Him and me.

I was scheduled to arrive at the meeting at 6:40 AM this morning. I was, admittedly, nervous and somewhat anxious, but also felt that things would be okay. I brought my mom with me to testify on my behalf, and a good friend and neighbor who would also be acting as a witness on my behalf met us at the Stake Center. We went in together and the Stake clerk, who is also a friend in my ward, told us to wait as the high council met.

Originally, I had anticipated I would be doing this alone, but my neighbor and my mom were willing to act as witnesses for me, and Jonah, in his infinite wisdom, told me I should let them. It turned out that it was a good idea as the waiting was the hardest part of the day for me, and if I had had to do that alone, it would have been much harder. As it was, I had my mom and my good friend to talk with and to deflect some of the anxiety.

It wasn’t until about 7:05 that my stake president came out. I think he was slightly surprised to see my mom and my neighbor even though I had told him that I would probably bring witnesses. He asked me if I wanted them there for the whole proceedings or just for their own individual testimonies. I told him I wanted them there for the whole proceedings. He said that was fine, as it was entirely my choice. We invited all of us in, and again, I think some of the high council members were surprised to see the two women that were with me.

The three of us sat at one end of a long table, and the stake presidency and a clerk were at the other, while six high council members were on one side and six were on the other. Among the high council members in attendance were a friend I have known my entire life; another good friend who I have known for a few years (I get along with him and his wife very well); three men who were all once in my bishopric when I attended a singles’ ward years ago; and another man in my ward whose daughter is a good friend of mine. It was comforting to see several familiar faces. There was also a man I recognized whose talks I have enjoyed when he has spoken to our ward. Of course, my stake president is also a good friend, and I recognized his counselors, whom I don’t know as well. The other six men I did not immediately recognize.

My stake president explained the reason why we were all here today, and asked me to confirm if the charge laid against me (that of a homosexual sexual relationship and commitment ceremony) was true. I confirmed it was. My stake president talked about how he had known me a long time and that we had counseled together about this, and that we were friends. He conveyed his love to me.

It was then mutually decided that my neighbor and mom would speak. I asked my neighbor to go first. She basically said she had known me my whole life and that I was a great example to her. She talked about my struggles and how it seemed my world was without color before I met Jonah. She talked about how I had defended the church during the Prop 8 controversy (not necessarily their position on the issue, but their right to fight gay marriage should they so desire). She said a lot of really nice things about me and my membership. I wish I could remember them all, but I can’t. I will say she was extremely eloquent and strong with her words.

My mom next read a statement she had prepared detailing the struggles I had gone through and why I had chosen the course I had chosen. She talked about what good people Jonah and I are and her hope that maybe in the future the church might change their position on this matter. I don’t know if that will happen or not, but that is what she said.

I was then asked to speak about how I had come to be in this position we now found ourselves in and was also asked to bear my testimony in the process because my stake president wanted the other members to feel of my love of the Church and of my Father and Jesus Christ.

Originally, I was just going to write some thoughts and wing it, but I felt inspired to read a prepared statement so I could be sure to say everything I meant to say. I will not write exactly what I said as most of it has already appeared in this blog in one form or another. I also bore my testimony.

Once I finished, my stake president thanked me for my words and said he could feel of my love. He then left it open to questions from any of the high council members. Several people on the council asked various questions, which I will not post here. All in all, I felt like I answered most of the questions well even if it felt a bit awkward to be grilled somewhat.

After the questions were asked, my stake president told me that I and my mom and neighbor would be asked to wait in another room. During this time there would be a deliberation as well as a prayer held between the stake presidency and later the entire council until a unanimous decision was reached as to what the final judgment would be. I cannot remember what order all this would happen in, however.

My stake president led us into a private office and also asked if he could make copies of my mom’s and my statements for the record. I told him he could. Then he did and then the deliberation process began.

During this time my mom, my neighbor, and I discussed many things, some pertaining to the matter at hand; others completely off topic. I was happy to have people to talk with, especially because the wait was quite long. My neighbor reaffirmed to me that she felt things would be okay for me no matter what the outcome. We talked about the fact that it was taking so long was a good sign; not that we thought it would change the outcome, which I already felt would be excommunication, but because that indicated that it was not easy to come to a consensus and that there was struggle involved. As my neighbor said, if they figured this out in ten minutes, that meant they probably hadn’t learned anything or thought about anything differently than when they came in. The fact that it took a while indicated to us that it was not so cut and dry for everyone in the room.

As I understand it, when the council convenes, six men are designated to fight for the accused and six are designated to fight against the accused. They don’t know what they will be fighting for or against until the evidence is brought in at the meeting. I still think it’s a weird system since essentially all twelve are still very much invested in Church policy. However, based on the questions I was asked, I felt that some of the men I was closest to were on the side against me, so I would assume that would be a hard position to be in, to basically take a position against someone you consider a friend. I may be wrong about the whole system or who was fighting for and against, but that was my impression.

I wish I could remember all the things that were discussed, but it had already been a long week, and I was pretty tired, and so much happened that day that I just can’t seem to recall everything.

It took about an hour and a half, I believe, for a consensus to be reached. While it was hard to wait all that time, I was also thankful that it was not an easy decision to come to. My stake president invited us back in, and I was asked to stand. I was then told that the decision had been made to excommunicate me. My stake president then explained what this meant: that I was no longer a member of the Church and could not participate in things such as giving talks, saying public prayers, bearing testimony, attending the temple, taking the sacrament, paying tithing, making comments, wearing the garment, etc. Most of this stuff I have already stopped doing, so I don’t see that my life will change much. I was also invited to continue attending church in a respectful manner, which is what I have been doing and what I planned on doing anyway. I was also invited to repent and come back. I did find it interesting (and my neighbor also made the same observation) that as my stake president was reading all this church policy to me that his heart didn’t seem very in it. This obviously was a very, very difficult thing for my stake president, and it was clear to me that he was troubled by it all. He also said his love for me as well as the brethren in that room would not change for me. He also counseled me not to let this outcome cause me to be bitter or angry as he has seen it happen to some. He asked me to continue to counsel with church leaders wherever I attended church. He also told me I could appeal the decision if I wanted to (since I feel this is what’s supposed to be, it is not my intention to do so). He then asked me if I had any questions or anything further to say. I asked if as a non-member I could still sing in the choir. He said he didn’t see any reason why I couldn’t. I also wanted to ask him if I could still read scripture in class even if I could make no further comment on them, but I forgot. I will ask him later. I also told the men in that room that I was sorry to put them through this as I know it must have been difficult and maintained that I have only tried to be the best person I can be under the circumstances life has dealt me. I bore my testimony and expressed my love, and then I finished and was invited to sit down. The stake president reminded everyone on the council that the goings-on in the room that day were completely confidential and to be told to no one outside of the room.

We closed the meeting with a prayer. I hugged several of the men, many who were my friends. The first man who hugged me was my stake president, who seemed very torn by the whole affair. He expressed his love and friendship. He also indicated that I would be receiving an official letter soon telling me what the next steps were for me. The next guy who put his arm around me was a man I did not know. He said he felt prompted to tell me to repent and not to give up on myself. His words truly rang hollow with me. I know it came out of a place of love, but I also felt like it came out of what he has always thought. I haven’t given up on myself. I like myself very much. I’m very happy with who I am, and if repenting means losing Jonah, that is something I am unwilling and unable to do.

Another neighbor in my word gave me a hug and expressed his love. The man in my ward whose known me all my life and who was also very saddened by the proceedings said, “We love you, Cody. Come back! Come back!” When I talked to Jonah about this later, he told me, “You’ve never left. You’re doing exactly what you’ve tried to do this whole time. Even though you’re not a member on paper, you’ve never stopped being a member and doing all the things you are trying to do in your heart.”

Another man hugged me. One guy from my singles’ ward said, “We love you, Brother.” Another said he loved me and told me to call them any time. Another said he admired my courage and loved me very much. One of my good friends from the ward said, “Two things. Number one: what happened here today is completely confidential, and you know what that means [he meant he wasn’t going to tell his wife, also a good friend, any of this. It wouldn’t matter to me if he did, but I appreciated the sentiment.] Number two: no matter what happened here today, it doesn’t change our esteem for you. My wife and I will continue to put you high on a pedestal like we always have. Keep on being a good example to my son and daughter, like you always have.” This was perhaps on of the most meaningful comments I received in that meeting. Two other brothers indicated that it was good to have met me.

I didn’t feel sad or surprised when it was all over, and I walked outside with my mom and neighbor (oh, I forgot, when my neighbor hugged me after the meeting was over, she whispered, “It was an absolute honor, Cody.”), the sun was brightly shining. We’ve had about a solid week of rain here in Utah (which is very unusual for June), and this was one of the first times in a while I had seen such a bright, sunny day. I took it as a good sign (and my neighbor told me she, too, had noticed it and had thought the same thing).

All in all the whole process took about three and half hours or so. By the time we got out it was just after the time when our Sunday School started. I was very tired and still had a long day ahead of me with two shows to do at the theater where I work, and I figured an excommunication was enough church for one day, so my mom went to church alone, and I went home to sleep. My mom told me that she ran into the stake clerk, who obviously knew about the proceedings and that he gave her a hug, told her he was sorry, and expressed his love. I thought that was nice. I called Jonah and explained everything, and we had a really good talk. He reaffirmed that I am doing as much as I can and that this formality does not change my relationship with God or the fact that He will still speak with me through his Spirit. We talked about many things, and I told Jonah I felt good about it all.

I took a nap, which was much needed. When I awoke, I removed my garments and dressed for work. It was a very odd feeling to not be wearing something I have been wearing faithfully for 18 years, but I knew it was what was required, so I did. Maybe now I can start wearing some fashion underwear that I’ve never been able to wear. (That was my half-honest attempt at some humor.)

As I drove to work I put my IPod on shuffle, and a song came on that is, interestingly enough, quoted in the second post of this very blog (back in 2006). It is a song called “Different” from a Sid and Marty Krofft musical called Pufnstuf. I quote it again here:

When I was smaller, and people were taller,
I realized that I was different;
I had a power that set me apart.
I learned to take it, to use it to make it.
It's not so bad to be different;
To do your own thing, and do it with heart.

Different is hard. Different is lonely.
Different is trouble for you only.
Different is heartache. Different is pain.
But I'd rather be different than be the same.

At times I'd wonder what hex I was under.
What did I do to be so different?
Then I discovered some others like me.
Wonder no longer. Together we're stronger.
It's not so bad to be different;
Be true to yourself; that's what you must be.

Different is hard. Different is lonely.
Different is trouble for you only.
Different is heartache. Different is pain.
But I'd rather be different than be the same.

As I listened to the words, I knew Heavenly Father was sending me the message that even though I had faced a hard thing because of my choices, it was so much more important to be true to myself. It filled me with such joy and such a confirmation that Heavenly Father has never stopped being with me this entire journey.

Soon after that song, another song which I am not very familiar with from a musical called Triumph of Love called “Issue in Question” played (yes, I have a lot of musical theatre on my IPod. I’m gay! Sue me!). I quote it here, changing the sex of the person he is singing about to more accurately fit my situation:

Issue in question, a rapid heart rate,
Probable cause unknown.
Shortness of breath when there's someone near
Or when I'm alone.
Postulate theory, then explore,
Subsequent query
May unlock the door.
Issue in question,
The rapid heart rate happens when [h]e is near.
Shortness of breath when I'm with [him],
Now it's perfectly clear.
[He] is the cause and furthermore,
Nothing is as it ever was before.
Why this strange anticipation?
Why this sense the world is new?
I'm alive, at last I am alive,
And now the world is, too!
Issue in question, an urge to shout it,
Difficult to suppress.
Simple suggestion, forget about it,
Agonize less. Cogitate, ergo, use my head.
What is this odd emotion that I dread?
Is it love? My God, I hope not.
If this is love, I am undone.
Love's a curse, a cross to bear, or worse,
A war that's never won.
Issue in question, my years of training,
All of it gone for naught.
Disregard passion,
Rely on reason,
As I was taught.
Suddenly none of that applies,
Not when I've gazed into those eyes,
they are astounding
Oh, God, they take my breath away.
Eyes that grace the most amazing face
In ways I dare not say.
Shouldn't I tell [him] the way I'm feeling,
Ev'ry last detail of
How my heart hovers against the ceiling somewhere above?
Never mind logic truth and art.
Only one issue for this heart.
Issue in question?
Issue in question? No question. It's love.

As I listened to these words, I realized that all the reason in the world, all the commandments, all the “training,” etc. does not take away the fact that Jonah is the man I love nor does it take away the happiness I feel when I’m with him. Again, I felt a resounding confirmation that Heavenly Father is happy that I am happy and that all will be well with me.

Jonah was in town the other day to see my show, and one of the things we did was see the movie, Up, with my mom. If you have not seen Up and are planning to, do not read this because I am about to reveal a major spoiler. First off, I have to say the movie was one of the most magical I have seen in some time. It was awesome. In the story, the main character made a promise to his wife that he would take her to Paradise Falls in South America. However, life gets in the way, and he is never able to keep that promise before she dies. When she dies, he is unable to let go of her (or the stuff in his house that represents her) nor is he willing to forgive himself for failing to keep his promise. He decides to strap hundreds of helium-filled balloons to his house and fly to Paradise Falls so that he can keep his promise to his late wife. At a certain point in the movie he finally gets to the place he always thought he wanted to be, the place he always wanted to take his wife, but realizes there is something else he needs to do to help someone else, and because at this point in the film the helium balloons have lost much of their air, the only way he can help this other individual is by throwing all the stuff that has meant so much to him, that he has hung onto for so long, out of the house. This he does, and this enables him to help this other person and enables him to begin the journey to live his life again. He discovers later that even though his wife never got to see Paradise Falls, that the journey they took just being married and together was adventure enough for her and she gives him permission to start a new adventure without her.

As I watched this movie I knew I was going to be excommunicated, and I realized that the parallels were very similar to my own situation. Sometimes in order to move on in life you have to let go of things, even if they are things that are very precious to you. My religion, as you well know, has meant the world to me, but I also feel that God has now given me full permission to begin a new chapter of my life, and in order to do that, I have to be okay with leaving some things behind. Sometimes you have to lose everything to gain everything. Sometimes what you think you want and what you really want are not the same thing. Of course It’s strange to lose my membership. Of course I feel a sense of loss. But I also feel a great sense of peace, freedom, and happiness as well. Things are going to be just fine for me. I don’t think my lifestyle or attitudes will change much from what they already are. I realized that I made my peace with God about my homosexuality long ago. A formal break from the Church doesn’t change that.

Jonah has helped me be happy. He has helped me further appreciate the beauty in life and in the world. He has helped me be less selfish and more loving. He has helped me see things in myself I thought I had lost. He has shown and given me so much love. He has helped me draw closer to the Lord in many respects. How can that be a bad thing?

Don’t be sad for me. Don’t mourn for me. Don’t be worried about me. I’ve realized that things are going to be just fine.

Please excuse any grammatical errors. It's been a long week, and I'm writing this late at night and am tired. Thanks to all for your words of love and support during this time.

Another Quote

A friend who doesn't know about my situation passed on this quote:

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be and not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love."

It just seemed like another message for me from a loving Heavenly Father.

Update On Previous Post

I added the third quote I referred to and my reflections on it for those of you who have already read the previous post and are interested. It's a really good quote. It's worth reading. It's the one by Harold B. Lee.

The Great (and Not So Terrible) Day

Today was a really good day at church. As you may imagine, I have been somewhat concerned about my possible excommunication from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I asked Heavenly Father in my prayers last night to help me feel more easy about it and asked that I would get some message in church that would reaffirm that everything would be okay.

When I arrived for Sunday School, initially I felt a sense of trepidation because the lesson was on the three degrees of glory, and of course, since I am not sure what my eternal fate will be, I thought the lesson might be a downer. But on the contrary, the lesson lifted my spirits a great deal and I felt so strongly that not only is Heavenly Father deeply aware of my situation and the intents of my heart, but I felt a great assurance that no matter what the outcome is of my church disciplinary council that God knows I am doing my best and that this is satisfactory.

The teacher who taught the lesson read three quotes that particularly impacted me. The first was a quote from John 14:1-3, which I, of course am well acquainted with, but this time it seemed to have greater meaning:

“Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.
“In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.
“And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you unto myself, that where I am, there ye may be also.”

Heavenly Father was telling me (and I felt this in my heart more than what the words actually say as I reread them now) to calm down and know that all is well. He knows my heart and my devotion to Him and he has a wonderful place prepared for me that I will be happy with, so there is no need to fear.

The second quote was from a talk that Boyd K. Packer gave on May 7, 1995 called “The Play and the Plan.” In it, he said,

“Remember this! The line “And they all lived happily ever after” is never written into the second act. That line belongs in the third act when the mysteries are solved and everything is put right. The Apostle was right when he said, ‘If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable.’ (1 Corinthians 15:19.)
“Until you have a broad perspective of the eternal nature of this great drama, you won’t make much sense out of the inequities in life. Some are born with so little and others with so much, some in poverty, with handicaps, with pain, with suffering, premature death even of innocent children. There are the brutal, unforgiving forces of nature and the brutality of man to man. We’ve seen a lot of that recently.
Do not suppose that God willfully causes that, which for His own purposes, he permits. When you know the plan and purpose of it all, even these things will manifest a loving Father in Heaven.”
“You will learn that the Plan is fair; however it appears, it is fair.”

What this quote helped me feel was that it is impossible for any mortal to understand the whole perspective of God’s plan. It’s impossible for me. It’s impossible for the members of the high council who will be delivering judgment on me in two weeks. I think it’s even impossible for the Prophet, simply because he is mortal. We all may get snatches of understanding, but the only being who understands the plan in its entirety is God himself (and perhaps Jesus and the Holy Ghost).

I do not know why I am gay, but I know I am, and I know I am happy being so and I’m happy in my relationship with Jonah. I cannot go back to the life I lead prior to coming out and prior to meeting and falling in love with Jonah. I can’t, nor do I want to.

On the other hand, because of my own spiritual experiences, I have been assured by the Spirit that the LDS Church is true, and this is something I couldn’t deny even if I wanted to. It happened, and it changed my life for the better in many respects, and it was such a powerful revelation at the time that I would fear to deny that it happened.

The seeming incongruity between my belief and knowledge that the LDS Church is still true and my knowledge and belief that I am gay and that there is no changing that and that I’m happier for having come out and married my partner is hard to explain and can be frustrating. In spite of it, I know I am doing my best, and I know God knows that, and whether or not I am excommunicated in two weeks, I know that the only judgment that matters in the end is between my Father and me. Today I felt strongly that I could face Him with a clear conscious no matter what church leaders decide to do regarding my fate.

Which brings me to the third quote, from The Teachings of Harold B. Lee. It says,

“Son, all you have to worry about is that you are doing your best in the place where you are today. That is all you have to be concerned about. You are not going to be judged by how you measure to someone else… The only measure by which you are going to be measured is, How will you compare with what you had the capacity to do? That is the measure the Lord’s going to measure you by, to see whether or not you have done, to the best of your ability, whatever came within your hands this day, and if you can answer the same honestly day by day. And the only day you have to worry about is today. There is nothing you can do about yesterday but repent. That means if you made mistakes yesterday, don’t be making them today. Don’t worry about tomorrow, because you may have no tomorrows. This is the masterpiece you ought to be thinking about today. And if you can always witness honestly that whatever you did, you did to the best of your ability, and next day try improvement on that, when your life’s end comes, of you it can be said in truth, his was a successful life because he lived to the best that was in him. That’s all the Lord expects of any one of His children. We are all born with different capacities, some to do one thing, some to do the other, and all He asks is that we do our best; and that’s the measure by which we’ll be judged when the time comes.”

I found this quote to be perfect in my own personal situation. It reassured me that I am doing my best and that this is acceptable before the Lord. I believe I am doing the best of my ability according to my own personal cirsumstances, and I feel I could honestly face God and tell him that. I believe that being gay is part of my own mortal journey. There is nothing I can do about it, nor do I want to. I don’t know how I fit in God’s plan as I currently understand it, but I feel that God is pleased with me and with Isaias and with our relationship, and so that’s all that matters right now. How it is wrapped up in the afterlife is God’s business and none of my concern at this time.

The day continued to get better during Sacrament Meeting. One of my former primary kids, who is now a deacon, was the youth speaker. When I taught him in primary several years ago, he had a terrible stutter. My sense was that he was an incredibly smart kid whose brain simply worked faster that his mouth. I remember being exceedingly patient with him and letting him trip up while reading various scriptures or thoughts, and just let him read no matter how long it took until he was finished. None of the other kids or I ever let him feel bad or ashamed, nor was there any reason for him to feel that way. He simply had a stutter.

Today he gave a nearly flawless talk, and I felt so proud of him and felt such admiration that he has turned into such a fine, young man. Both he and his brother, who are the sons of our current bishop, are such good young men, and I admire them.

As I watched one of my former and grown up primary kids give this great talk without skipping a beat, I couldn’t help but wonder the influence I had on him. Perhaps I had none, but I’d like to think that I had a positive influence on him, not just concerning the stuttering issue, but in his upbringing in the gospel. I will never know for sure, but I felt the Spirit confirm to me that I have done much good as a member of the Church, and that I should be pleased and proud of my contributions because my Heavenly Father is. It’s easy to succumb to feelings that I have somehow failed to be a “good” member of the LDS Church because of my living my life in a manner which is incongruent to its teachings.

Don’t misunderstand me. I do not in any way regret my choices to come out or to have a relationship with Jonah. I feel I am doing nothing wrong in that respect. But my whole life I have been taught to live a certain way within my religion, and on one level, I have failed to do that, and being the perfectionist that I am, this has concerned me. I just felt a great reassurance that God is pleased with my efforts, and so I should be, too.

After another talk, a sister sang, “Abide With Me.” While there is a small chance that I may not be excommunicated, I have felt that I will be, but that there’s no need to fear it. As I really listened to the words of this song, I felt the Lord tell me that nothing would ever cause Him to leave me. Not that I feel he would, but it is always nice to be reassured. But I just felt that no matter what happens, all will be fine.

A little baby from the row in front of me crawled my way during one of the talks, and I held her, and it felt nice. I don’t particularly want children, but I like children, and holding her made me feel good.

Later a guy gave a talk about his mother telling him that parents need to give their kids the “roots of responsibility, but the wings of freedom.” I liked that. That is what God has done with me.

I heard a speech that Ellen Degeneres gave at Tulane University recently. In it she said,

“Really when I look back on it, I wouldn't change a thing. I mean, it was so important for me to lose everything because I found out what the most important thing is, is to be true to yourself. Ultimately, that's what's gotten me to this place. I don't live in fear, I'm free, I have no secrets. and I know I'll always be ok, because no matter what, I know who I am. So In conclusion, when I was younger I thought success was something different.
“…But my idea of success is different today. And as you grow, you'll realize the definition of success changes. …For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity, and not to give into peer pressure to try to be something that you're not. To live your life as an honest and compassionate person. To contribute in some way. So to conclude my conclusion: follow your passion, stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else's path, unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path, and by all means you should follow that.”

I am following the path I need to follow; the path that makes me happy, and I have felt that God knows that, and that all will be well.

As I talked to my mom after church, I received a phone call from a friend on the high council informing me that he needed to deliver the letter requesting that I appear before the High Council in two weeks. After I hung up, my mom asked me who it was, and I explained to her what it was about. She understands my choices and knows I am happy and loves Jonah, but she is also saddened by the fact that I may be excommunicated. We talked for a bit about it, and she asked me when I first knew I was gay and how long I had held all the bad feelings inside. I told her I felt I was gay since early childhood, but never fully admitted it to myself until high school even though I struggled with it for years. I pulled out my old journals and read some entries to her from that period in my life. I also read her a letter I had intended to give her confessing my homosexuality (this was before I gained a testimony about the church and ended up going a mission). It was a beautiful letter, very well written (although a bit melodramatic in some places, but still very much what I feel). I would reprint it here, but it is very long, and I would have to retype it, which I don’t have time to do today. Maybe I will post it some time in the future, if I am able. And even though my mom has long since accepted my homosexuality, it was nice to read it to her, and we cried together (in a good way).

In the middle of all this, two high council members arrived, both who I know very well. They were both in my bishopric years ago when I attended a singles’ ward. It was nice to be handed the letter by two good friends who have known and loved me for some time. At the same time, I could tell that delivering such a letter was not on their list of fun things to do. But it is good to know that they will be on my council along with other men I know and respect and love. I’m glad I don’t have to do this in front of a bunch of strangers.
The letter says,

“Dear Brother [Cody],

“The Stake Presidency is considering formal disciplinary action in your behalf, including the possibility of disfellowshipment or excommunication, because you are reported to have participated in conduct unbecoming a member of the Church.

“We have scheduled the High Council Disciplinary Council for Sunday, June 14, 2009, at 6:40 a.m. in the High Council Room at the _________ Stake Center….

“You are invited to attend this Disciplinary Council to give your response, and if you wish, to provide witnesses or other evidence in your behalf.

“Please let me know if it is your intention to participate in the council proceedings. Should you have questions regarding this Council action don’t hesitate to contact me at __________.

Sincerely,

[My Stake President]”

It’s so surreal. Had you told me ten years ago I would receive a letter like this, I would not have believed it. This is where I am, though, and in a way, I feel it’s where I need to be.

As I’ve told family members and a few close friends about this, I have received much support and love, for which I have been grateful. This was a letter I wrote to them:

“Just a note to let you all know that my disciplinary council will be on June 14, in a little more than two weeks. [My stake president] called me personally this evening, and we had a really nice conversation. He told me what to expect and also told me he wants me to bear my testimony along with anything else I might want to say because he has felt a strong spirit when I have done so with him and wants the others to feel it, too. He also conveyed his love, and I did the same. He really is a good man and a good friend. I know this is hard for both of us, and I also know this will be hard for you as well. I've said all along during this journey that I never wanted to hurt anyone, and I hope this news will not pain you too much.

“I do not know for sure (nor does [the stake president) that I will be excommunicated, although it seems likely. I am aware that my choices have brought me to this place, and while I am not looking forward to the prospect of losing my membership in the Church, I still maintain that my life with [Jonah] has brought me so much joy and happiness, and I do not regret choosing to be with him. I love him with all of my heart, and he has made me a better person for it. Throughout this journey, I have also felt so much love, understanding, compassion, and mercy from Heavenly Father. I know He knows my heart. I imagine this message will cause pain and concern for my eternal well-being, and that is understandable, but I have felt Heavenly Father's love so much, and I have felt Him tell my spirit that things will be okay, whatever the outcome. Please know that I love all of you so much, and I love this church and all it has given me a great deal. I have been so thankful for your love and support. I know that perhaps my reasons for doing what I have done do not make sense in the eternal scheme of things, but I feel I need to be where I am right now even if that merits my excommunication.

“All I ask of you, my dear family [and friends], is that your thoughts and prayers will be with me. I do not wish to be excommunicated, but if that is what is meant to be, I am prepared to face that. I just ask that whatever the outcome, I will feel peaceful about it. That's what I ask you to pray for on my behalf.

“Thank you. I love you all.

“[Cody]”

My sister wrote:

“Thank you for this. We all knew that it was coming. I think it's a lousy birthday present on my part. [I told her the day after her birthday.]

“Love you. And I do understand the sacrifices. I really do. You and I have never shared in the glory of God's kind. You can still attend Church as an excommunicated member, can't you? You haven't taken the Sacrament for so very long. I am bothered that they may excommunicate a strong member like you who has one flaw - though it be a large one - still you are a better example of Christ than those who's pride swells so loud that there's little or no breathing room for the people close at hand. We all need to learn - and excommunication (even if it were possible) would not help those prideful people.

“And the possibility of excommunication will come only because you are active. Thousands of inactive names continue to be on the rolls because of inactivity - and some of them have sins so great - they probably wouldn't even understand what removing their names would mean - though I think the Church would benefit a lot more to remove the inactive from the roles. But excommunication (I once heard) is done out of LOVE - pretty ironic, huh?

“[Your sister]”

This one from a good friend who was also excommunicated:

“Dear [Cody],

“Thanks for your email. I have been thinking about you and wondered what your status was. I will continue to pray for you during this time. I know both the enormous strain and the incredible calm that can come from this process. If you need to talk about anything or even want advice, please give me a call. I will talk any time you need to. I know that the men on your council will feel your spirit and they will do what is right for you. I pray that you will be able to touch them and help them feel compassion for gay men in the church. I have long felt that a different approach from the church is needed. (And also better times for the meetings--6:30??)

“Anyway, I love you and I KNOW you are doing the right thing.

“Love,
“[Your friend]”

A dear neighbor, who lives across the street and who has known me since I was born, wrote:

“Oh! [Cody]!
“My heart did a stutter step when I read your most recent post. I guess we are all through waiting for the ‘shoe to drop.’ I hope there is still a miracle out there, but no matter what happens I think in the eternal plan you are and will be alright. Even the Church can only work on its current level of knowledge (and that has certainly moderated over the last 25 years.) It is also true as we have discussed before that any organization has every right to do whatever ‘boundary maintenance’ it thinks it needs to do, but nobody or nothing can excommunicate us from God except God Himself, and I just can't imagine that is in the cards for you. I hope you are offered the opportunity to bear your testimony and I hope you take it. You have more bravely ‘stood as a witness’ and a defender of the faith in more difficult circumstances than virtually anyone else I know.

“I think you will still have the Spirit to guide you in the years ahead and I hope you continue to seek and follow it. Dear [Cody], you are and will forever be my dear friend.

“I don't know if the following offer would even be desired, but if you would like, I will wait outside to be there when you come out. I would be honored to do so. I want to stand with you in any way I can. This is doubly so if your mother would like me to wait with her.
“With love in Christ--
“[Your friend]”

My brother-in-law sent a long email from which I will post some highlights:

“Hi [Cody], I don't have any kind of advice for you, just an observation.
“It seems that we all come from our heavenly father with a set of challenges to deal with while we are here on Earth.
“I look at this journey in life as being on a long train where the last stop is the gate of Celestial Glory. A train that never strays from its track and always on a forward course, never going back, just forward, following the great circle of life. If you missed the train, there will always be another stop up ahead, but it was up to you to get to the next station. I have seen people getting on and off this train all the time.
“I have noticed that you are on the same train. There will be stops that will be good, some bad ,some stops that will haunt you... Whatever happens, whatever you decide, the conductor always welcomes passengers.”

This afternoon, my brother and sister-in-law and their kids came over, and we talked about it. I told them about my amazing day at church and expressed my belief that excommunication is an act of a loving Father and not a punishment, as many people see it.

We had a good talk, and my family members expressed their love and support. It was clear there is concern and pain as well, but I feel good about where I am in the journey. I feel prepared to face whatever is next, and feel very sure that God is preparing me to do.

Good Quotes

If any of you have read my blog from the beginning, you'll know that I took yoga as part of my garduate program and didn't enjoy it very much. So it's odd to me that I'm taking yoga again, and I guess I'm more open to it now. It's still not my favorite thing, but I am enjoying it more than I did in school (even though my college yoga teacher was amazing at it).

Anyway, this quote was give to us in yoga recently, and I really liked it:

"Give all you have, all you are; nothing more is demanded of you, but also nothing less." - Author Unknown

My yoga teacher also gave us another one this morning that I really liked:

"We're all perfect...but there is always room for improvement." - She did not say who the author of this one was.

Thanks to all who have left comments of support in regards to my previous post. They are greatly appreciated.

Disciplinary Council

I still have so many other things I wish to blog about, but I've been so busy with rehearsals for my current show. Hopefully, I'll get to it when things have calmed down sufficiently.

Just a note to let you all know that my disciplinary council will be on June 14, in a little more than two weeks. My stake president called me personally this evening, and we had a really nice conversation. He told me what to expect and also told me he wants me to bear my testimony along with anything else I might want to say because he has felt a strong spirit when I have done so with him and wants the others to feel it, too. He also conveyed his love, and I did the same. He really is a good man and a good friend. I know this is hard for both of us.

The council will be at 6:30 AM, although I could have negotiated a different time and day had I wanted to. (I have two shows later that day, too. It's gonna be a long day!) My feeling, though, is that I just want to face whatever will happen as soon as possible. The waiting is hard. Besides, the next day I'm off to see Jonah, and it just felt appropriate that we share whatever the outcome will be together.

I do not know for sure (nor does my stake president) that I will be excommunicated, although it seems likely.

All I ask of you, my fellow bloggers, is that your thoughts and prayers will be with me. I do not wish to be excommunicated, but if that is what is meant to be, I am prepared to face that. I just ask that whatever the outcome, I will feel peaceful about it. That's what I ask you to pray for on my behalf.

Thank you for your past and continual support during my journey. It is greatly appreciated.

Waiting

Here is the quote my Stake President shared with me that I referred to in this post. Reuben J. Clark said in the 1953 October General Conference, "I believe that in his justice and mercy [God] will give us the maximum reward for our acts, give us all that he can give, and in the reverse, I believe that he will impose upon us the minimum penalty which it is possible for him to impose."

This reminds me, too, of a quote by Dallin H. Oaks that I referred to in a post a little more than three years ago where he said, "The telestial kingdom…seems to me to be a precise description of the world’s concept of hell. The terrestrial kingdom seems to me to be a precise description of the world’s concept of heaven. The good people of the world will not be disappointed by the terrestrial kingdom. The bad people of the world will be utterly astonished to do as well as the telestial kingdom, for despite all of its relative drawbacks, it is a kingdom of glory reserved by a Father in Heaven who loves his children and saves all the works of his hands."

These two quotes give me a lot of comfort. I had another meeting with my Stake President on Sunday in which he asked me how things were going and also told me that as he has thought and prayed and struggled about how to proceed, he has felt prompted that some action does have to be taken. As we both talked, I felt that we both knew that a church court at a stake level will be necessary. He said he wanted to confer with his counselors once more and would get back to me regarding just when this might happen. I do expect it will be relatively soon, and although he said the outcome will not necessarily be excommunication, my heart tells me it likely will be. As I've said many times in my blog, I do not wish to lose my membership in this church, but I am fully aware that I have done things that may very well merit that, and I also believe that excommunication is not a punishment, but rather a way that a loving Father protects his children as well as the church itself. I am feeling a bit of trepidation, but I am not, necessarily, afraid. I feel much peace and love in my heart. As I told my Stake President, in spite of the fact that I still have a testimony of the LDS Church, I feel that how I'm living my life is what I need to be doing right now. He seemed to understand. Certainly this will be hard on many people. Hard on me. Hard on my family. Hard on my leaders. Hard on some of my friends and ward members. I know this. As my Stake President said, "If we didn't care about each other so much, it wouldn't be hard."

I do believe that my life with Jonah is what I need to be happy right now. Living my life as an openly gay man and finding this wonderful man to share my life with have been incredibly liberating and joyful experiences. I know some people out there will think I've chosen my love for Jonah over my love for God. I simply do not believe this to be true. Love is from God, and I have felt Him bless my life with so much love and happiness since I met and fell in love with Jonah. In many ways I have drawn closer to God and even my religion since these events occurred. I do not have all the answers. I don't claim to be right or wrong about anything. I just know I'm happy, and even if excommunication is a result of certain decisions I've made, I know God loves me and knows my heart, and I feel that I will be judged by Him (the only one who truly can judge me) accordingly.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been busy with rehearsals for another show. I'd actually like to post about that as well if I can find the time. I'm finding myself in a very peculiar (and sometimes uncomfortable) position of being in a show that's been somewhat of a challenge, especially in this particular juncture in my life. Hopefully I can talk more about it later.

Post From Alan

One of the blogs I really enjoy reading is Alan's, perhaps because many of his thoughts, views, and experiences echo my own and resonate with my heart. I am quoting verbatim (with his permission, of course) a post he made recently which I think is worth repeating here (his post, entitled "Maybe Not As Doctrinaire As Thought, is all in italics):

At the Sunstone Symposium I picked up a few back issues of Sunstone Magazine. One includes an article by John Kesler called "Discovering A Rich Tradition." One bit jumped out at me because not only did it seem to vindicate so much of what I and other of my blogger friends have come to believe, but because of its source: Joseph Fielding Smith, who had a reputation in his earlier years of being one of the most black & white, hardline, uncompromising, toe the line or else General Authorities in the history of the Church.

John Kesler was a nephew of Pres. Smith's and went to see him the day before the prophet died. They talked about Kesler's own spiritual journey which was unorthodox, to say the least. Here's what Kesler said about their visit, and it gave me great comfort to know that in many ways, I and many of my friends are in Kesler's situation, so we can confidently follow the same instruction he got:

"He listened to my doubts about the literalness of the Church's truth claims. Although weak, he was lucid. He smiled and gently told me the following. Who I am is more important than what I precisely believe, and what I manifest based on who I am demonstrates my actual belief. He counseled me that if I exercised faith and aligned myself with the Spirit, the truths I needed to know would manifest themselves in the way I needed to know them, that they would settle in me and bring me peace and joy. He encouraged me to be godly in all that I did, to walk humbly before God, to love wisely by and through the Spirit, and to do my best to bless the lives of others."

Can't do better than that.

I just love what President Smith says here, and it really resonated with my heart and my current circumstances. Like I said, I just thought it was worth repeating.

Roadside Miracles

So I went to LA last week to audition for Wicked and to meet with a television producer. I also got to hang out with some friends and even did a couple of touristy things, so it was a fun and productive trip.

About twenty minutes into my trip back to Vegas my beloved car (which I've had for nine years and which has basically been problem free during that time) started to make a sound not unlike the clickity-clack of an old roller coaster. I knew this was not a good sound, and the fact the my battery light was on made me even more ill at ease. I was stuck in slow moving traffic at the time, and the car seemed to be worse when I was driving slowly, so I decided to pull off at the next exit. Not being terribly familiar with the LA area, I didn't really know where I was or where I might find a garage or auto parts store. As I pulled off the exit, I was a bit disheartened to see that I was in a residential area, and my car was not driving with much power, which indicated to me that either my battery was dying or that my alternator was malfunctioning. I turned on the first street and was delighted to run into an auto parts store, so I stopped. It was my hunch that my battery was dying since it was pretty old, so I just bought a new battery and replaced the old one. I am not very mechanical, so this took a bit of time, but the staff there was very nice and lent me some tools (which I ended up buying in case I needed them later).

When I started my car, my battery light was still on, so I asked the man at the auto parts store what else the problem could be. He said it could be my alternator, which he tested. It turned out my alternator was at a 12 when it was supposed to be at a 14.5, but he believed I had enough power to get to Vegas, but suggested I get my alternator replaced once I got there.

I drove out. My car was still not driving well, and it was still making the bad noise when I drove slowly, and my battery light was still on, so I was a bit worried. However, as I picked up speed, the battery light went off and the car seemed to be doing okay, although it still made the noise if I went above 70 mph, so I tried not to do that or shift into another gear while going up hills.

It was my hope to at least make it to Baker, California, where I had to refuel anyway, and which is about 90 miles from Las Vegas. However, about four miles past a small town called Barstow, California (about 98 miles from LA) all the indicators on my dash board went dead, indicating that my battery was no longer running. At first, I didn't realize all systems were dead because I was still coasting at a very high speed. Once I realized my car was dead, I pulled over as far to the side of the road on Interstate 15 as possible.

When I purchased my cell phone, I also purchased the roadside assistance plan in case of just such an emergency. I called the number, and the lady who answered was so kind and helped figure out exactly where I was and gave me the option of a cheaper tow truck that wouldn't get to me for an hour or so or a more expensive tow truck that could reach me within a half hour and also take my car to a garage and me to a hotel. I'm a cheapskate by nature, but I opted for the more expensive option.

I was able to talk to Jonah and my mom while waiting. Jonah got permission to leave work and come meet me in Barstow, where I was being towed. I told Jonah he didn't have to do that, but he insisted. He's a bit of a worry-wart, but I was touched he wanted to come.

True enough, the tow truck came just when it was supposed to. The tow driver was very nice and took my car into the garage and told me how to tell Jonah the easiest way to find me. He also took me to a pretty inexpensive, but nice enough, motel.

I grabbed a bite to eat and watched some Netflix using the free wireless the motel provided. I felt like I was in a movie: a semi-cosmopolitan guy gets stranded in a small town filled with eccentrics and backwards people. Everyone in the town that I met was very nice, but most were also a bit odd, too.

Jonah finally made it a few hours later, and we both fell asleep. It was my birthday the next day (not exactly either of our plans for my birthday, but oh, well), and we went to Denny's while my car was being repaired. It turned out the tension belt was the problem. I guess this is what turns the alternator's rotor and causes it to charge the battery. By my estimation, I drove nearly 98 miles with a loose, but functioning, tension belt, which means I didn't lose any more power in the alternator or the battery.

The damage was nearly $400 (not including the money I had paid for the battery), including towing, replacement of the tension belt, and the replacement of another belt, which was also damaged. Jonah and I were able to get out of town in time for Jonah to get to work that night. He followed me all the way to make sure nothing further happened. The car drove fine, but we did have to stop once to put oil in the car (a minor problem my car has been having that I was already aware of).

Although I ended up spending more on my trip than I had previously intended, I felt very blessed and watched over by the Lord. Finding an auto parts store in a foreign part of town just when I needed it; being able to drive so far with a damaged belt; having a fully charged phone and a roadside assistance plan; getting a reduced fare on the tow because of that plan; breaking down so close to a town with a garage and not breaking down in the middle of nowhere (which is very likely on that trip); having a garage with the necessary parts and them being able to fix it in a short amount of time; having an inexpensive motel so close to said garage as well to places to eat; having Jonah following me to make sure I got home safely; and getting home safely without any complications; having enough money to cover the costs; and being able to have a positive attitude throughout - these were all miracles, and I am grateful and certain that my Father in Heaven was watching out for me.

I still think I will take my car in to have it checked further as I am not sure that all is well with it, and if I can afford it, I may even trade in my car for another one while it is still running relatively well. We'll have to see. But I just wanted to publicly thank my Father in Heaven for keeping a watchful eye out for me. I really appreciated it.

Natasha Richardson

As you may know, actress Natasha Richardson died as a result of a head injury while on a beginner's ski course. I do not know why the circumstances of her death have affected me so profoundly, but they have. I was not a particular fan of hers. I mean, I enjoyed her work, but I wasn't enamored of her or anything.

I guess what's really been hard for me was that here was this young, vibrant woman of 45 engaging in a fun activity. She had a husband and kids that she loved and who loved her. Then suddenly she has an accident far more serious than she or anyone around here realizes. She's laughing and joking about it, and everything appears to be okay, but little does she realize that she's dying.

I just find it sad and tragic. I have felt such sadness and sympathy for her husband, sons, sister, and mother. Those poor boys have lost their mother too early. I don't know why it has hit me so hard. I guess it just reminded me how short life can be. Anyone we love can be taken at any moment. I guess we just have to remember to always love and appreciate our loved ones.

Big Love

I've never seen the HBO series, "Big Love." When it came out, I was not particularly interested in viewing it mainly because I felt it would probably feed on stereotypes and misperceptions, no matter how well intentioned its actors, producers, and writers may have been. Having never seen an episode, I can't judge at all whether I would like the show or not.

Recently, on last Sunday's episode of the show, parts of a temple endowment ceremony, which is considered very sacred by members of my faith, were shown. The producers and writers felt that what was written and shown were integral to the particular plot points in that particular episode and apparently took great care to treat the ceremony in what they believed to be a sensitive and caring manner. They also apparently consulted with an ex-Mormon who had attended the temple so that they would be able to get details such as costume, set, and writing correct.

I have seen clips on YouTube of both the temple ceremony scene and also a scene depicting a church disciplinary court. Needless to say, it was extremely disturbing to see sacred things depicted by people who have no real concept what they're really about. I do not dispute that the makers of "Big Love" took great care to do their best to depict these things as sensitively as is within their understanding, but the bottom line is that these ordinances and procedures (as is the case with the church court scene) cannot truly be understood or appreciated by someone who doesn't fully understand their meaning, and to put them out there for an audience to judge without context is irresponsible, in my opinion.

And I don't know who their consultant was, but for that person to do what they did is very sad to me.

I will not comment on the accuracy or inaccuracy of anything I saw in these two clips. I just want to say that it disappoints me that the makers of "Big Love" (no matter how sensitive or accurate they feel they are being) would show things that are held so sacredly by so many.

It made me think about movies or TV shows I've seen depicting practices by other religions, and how I don't even think twice about it. But when you see your own religion represented in a way that can be easily misunderstood by those who don't have the knowledge, experience, or context to appreciate or understand what they are seeing, it is mighty disturbing. It is uncomfortable.

You know, Jonah on occasion has asked me about what goes on in the temple. I have never revealed anything I feel uncomfortable revealing, but what I have told him is that if a non-member were to witness a temple ceremony, it wouldn't have the same meaning to them as it does to a member. In fact, it probably wouldn't mean much to them at all. They wouldn't have the proper context to appreciate it. Heck, even as a member, I'm not sure I even understand the full meaning of temple ceremonies, so I certainly wouldn't expect someone who is not a member of the LDS Church to understand. It really is a case of "throwing pearls before swine" (and please do not infer that I am calling non-members "swine"; that is not what I mean at all). What I mean is that it's like putting a technical schematic in front of a two year old and expecting him to understand or benefit from it. Maybe many years down the road that two year old would grow up to be a computer expert who could appreciate and correctly analyze the schematic, but at two years old, he simply does not have the capability, experience, knowledge, or know-how to deal with it in a useful manner.

With a temple ceremony, the sacred and spiritual things therein cannot be understood by a non-Mormon the way a Mormon will understand them. They may find it interesting or curious, just as a two year old might find the color of the paper the schematic is designed on or the drawings themselves briefly interesting, but the far deeper meaning of it simply cannot be appreciated by someone who doesn't "get" it.

Anyway, it's disturbing to see things put out there for all to see in a way that, frankly, feels sacrilegious no matter what care and sensitivity was taken to create it.

I don't even go to the temple anymore, and I'll probably be excommunicated myself in the near future, but I still know in my heart how sacred the temple and its ordinances are, and it makes me sad that other people don't.

Anyway, those are my thoughts.

Wedding Photos

Some of you have requested my posting some photos from mine and Jonah's commitment ceremony. Since I wish to continue to remain anonymous in the blogging world (and because there are still some in Jonah's world as well as my own who do not know either that we are gay or that we had this ceremony), I have chosen to post only those photos that do not blatantly betray our identities. I suppose anybody who actually attended the ceremony could piece together that this is my blog, but it would not bother me since most of them know about all the stuff contained therein anyway.

So enjoy them for what they're worth. Sorry I can't share more. It was a very happy day.


This is the chapel where we were married. Jonah did all the flower arrangements.



Me (I'm on the left) and my guy taken as we walked down the aisle together.



Me putting the ring on Jonah's finger.



Taken shortly before being pronounced "partners for life." Again, I'm on the left.



Our wedding cake, made by my cousin. I guess there was a cake mishap on the way to the chapel. My cousin felt bad about it, but we thought the cake was both beautiful and delicious.



One of the beautiful flower arrangements Jonah made for our ceremony.



A picture taken after the ceremony. I'm on the right this time. Jonah also made our boutonnières. What a talented guy I married!

A Reprieve...for now

I had a really nice meeting with my Stake President Tuesday evening. As you can well imagine, I was feeling a bit nervous before the meeting because I wasn't quite sure what would occur. I said a prayer before leaving asking Heavenly Father to help me say what I needed to say and to help my Stake President be inspired to say whatever he needed to say. I also prayed that whatever the outcome was, that I would be at peace with it and have the Spirit to comfort me.

I am fortunate that my Stake President is a friend I have known for some time. He was my bishop years ago when I was in a singles' ward and has known about my homosexuality for some time and tried his best to help me deal with it back when I was still trying to fight it.

As he greeted me, he was very welcoming and friendly, with no hint of judgment. He took me into his office and basically asked me to tell him my situation. I explained to him about my relationship with Jonah and about our ceremony and of my intentions to remain in this relationship.

He was very compassionate and kind during our entire interview. Actually, he was more compassionate about my situation than he had been when he was my bishop (although he was kind then, too).

He explained that the church manual regarding this situation is pretty clear cut and black and white, but that he also believed the Spirit gives inspiration on each individual situation. He said there may come a time when action will have to be taken (in other words, a church court and possible excommunication), but that at this time he didn't feel we needed to rush into anything. He also said he didn't know what kind of time frame we were looking at, but that he felt he needed time to ponder this particular situation and asked permission from me to discuss my situation with his counselors. I said that was fine.

He also said that having served on several disciplinary councils, he has often gone into the meeting having a kind of preconceived notion of how he may vote, but often the Spirit has prompted him to do the opposite, so he said one never knows just how each individual process will work out.

We talked about my past struggles and I reiterated many of the arguments I have made in my defense in this blog. He agreed that I did seem happier since I found Jonah and came out. He did stress that he wasn't condoning my actions, but that he had dealt with several people who struggled with same-sex attraction, including one man that he said reminded him of me. My Stake President and this man had a good friendship and trust, and this man fought for a long time against his feelings, but ultimately decided to be excommunicated by choice. My Stake President attempted to maintain the friendship, but the man ultimately decided it was too painful, and they eventually drifted apart, and the man has become a bit antagonistic toward the Church. My Stake President said it made him feel sad that this was the outcome. It wasn't that the man left the Church, but that he didn't feel comfortable remaining friends afterwards which made my Stake President sad. He said he wanted to tell me what he told that man; that he (my Stake President) wasn't the Church, although he may act as a representative of it, and that his friendship and love for me superceded any judgment I might get from a church court. He hoped that no matter what the eventual outcome, that he and I could remain friends as we presently are. I said I felt the same way.

He encouraged me to stay close to the Lord and the Church, regardless of the outcome, and he said he hoped I wouldn't ever become angry or bitter. I told him that throughout this process it has always been my intention to have a good relationship regarding my religion. I've said it in this blog before, but I always promised myself I wouldn't become bitter or antagonistic toward the Church like many of my friends and acquaintances have. Look, whether one agrees with the Church's position on certain things, I am in violation of the rules, and I accept that and will accept whatever the responsibility for the consequences of that is. But I still maintain that the values and blessings being a member of the LDS Church has afforded me are as integral to who I am as my sexuality is. I owe my religion a lot, and I still have a great deal of loyalty towards it.

My Stake President also asked me to help family members through this as well. He said that sometimes when a family member is excommunicated, other members of the family become angry or bitter or critical themselves. I told him I would help them through this process any way I can. As I told my Stake President, it has never been my intent or desire to sway anyone or lead anyone away from this church. I have never claimed that the choices I've made for myself are right for anybody else but me. I still believe the Church is true, but I also believe the limits of my mortality make it impossible for me to adhere to all its teachings, and I feel at peace with that and feel that things between me and my Father in Heaven are good, and since He and I are the ones who will sort this out, I feel good about that.

My Stake President said that ultimately no one can judge my heart or my situation except the Lord. He said in the afterlife my Father may hug me and tell me that if I could just have held on a little longer, I would have received a greater reward; or He may hug me and tell me that He knows I did the best I could and that His Son's atonement will make up for the rest. My Stake President said he was glad he didn't have to judge that himself, but said that the Father's judgment would be perfect and all-knowing.

He also said he admired my integrity and honesty and even said that he thought it was admirable that Jonah and I waited until after our ceremony to have sexual relations. Again, he wasn't condoning my actions, but he did think it showed integrity (on both mine and my partner's part) and a desire to adhere to the morals I have been taught. He said that although he couldn't say he understood what it was like to be in my shoes and although he admitted that he didn't always know what to say or how to help in situations like this that he knew I was a good person and that I was trying to follow the Savior as well I was able.

He said he has dealt with many people who have dealt with same-sex attraction, and one thing he doesn't understand is people who are promiscuous or have multiple partners, so, again, while he wasn't condoning what the Church regards as a sin, he did admire mine and Jonah's determination to be monogomous.

He also shared a thought by J. Reuben Clark, which I wish I could remember. I'll try to get it from him the next time I see him. Essentially, the point I remember most was that God wants to give His children the minimum punishment possible because He loves them. That's the part of the quote that really hit my heart. Certainly, the demands of justice must be met, but God is merciful and Christ's atonement is far-reaching.

I wish I could remember everything from my interview with my Stake President. We talked for a long time and much was said between us both. What I do remember most is that I never felt judged by either him or the Lord, and that I felt a great deal of love and support. I also felt the Spirit testify what I've felt during this whole journey: that God loves me and will always love me the same no matter what happens, and I do feel He knows that I feel I am doing the best I can under these particular life circumstances. I also felt that I likely will be excommunicated eventually, but that I need not worry. I felt that I would be at peace with whatever happens. I also felt that if I feel the same kind of love in a church court that I felt in my interview, that things would be okay. I fully expect that will happen. I was at Stake Conference last Sunday, and as we sustained the high council, I saw that I knew and cared about many of the men who would likely serve on a disciplinary council for me, and I know they love and care about me as well, and that is comforting.

One thing I had been worried about was losing the gift of the Holy Ghost once I am excommunicated. My Stake President, without my even having brought it up, eased my fears. He said non-members feel the Spirit, too (which I, of course, knew) although they may not feel it as often. I knew that I would not lose the Spirit of the Lord even if I lose my membership, and that was comforting.

I am currently in Vegas with Jonah. I told my Stake President I would be back in Utah (for a job) in late April. He told me he saw no reason for us to deal with this until then, even if I were to remain in Utah during that time. He told me to call him when I'm back in town, and we will see how to proceed then. Although I know we're probably just delaying the inevitable, I am very grateful for a reprieve. And I know that even if and when I am eventually excommunicated from the Church that I can never be excommunicated from my very loving and merciful Heavenly Father.

"I Love To See The Temple"

Yesterday I went with my sister, brother-in-law, and niece to the open-house for the Draper, Utah temple. I've only been to one other open-house in my life, and that was the Jordan River Utah Temple back in 1978 or '79 (which would have made me 7 or 8 years old). Even though I was young at the time, I do remember some things about it. I remember having to put these booties (along with everybody else) over my shoes so we wouldn't leave marks on the carpets. I also remember seeing the baptismal font and the mirrors in the sealing rooms. I also remember how clean and pristine everything seemed to be and that it was pretty. Mostly, I remember being there with my family and enjoying it. Those things really stick out. Strangely enough, I don't particularly remember seeing the Celestial Room or even the Endowment rooms, though I know I must have.

As a temple-goer I certainly saw the inside of the Jordan River Temple many times and also have been inside the Salt Lake, Logan, Provo, and I believe (once) the Manti Temple.

I actually had been wanting to visit the Draper Temple open-house because I knew, based on my current actions and standing in the church, it would be a rare occurrence for me to see the inside of a temple again.

The temple itself is located in a pretty wealthy area from what I can tell. My brother-in-law, who is a realtor, said one of the houses right across the street was originally priced at $2,000,000, but now, because of economic challenges and a bad housing market, is selling for $770,000 (talk about a bargain! (if you actually have that kind of money)) Before we took a bus up there we parked our car at a local ward house and watched a kind of orientation video, which gave a bit of information about the temple and temple work. One comment made by Jeffrey R. Holland, one of the Apostles, was something akin to "I can't imagine heaven without my wife. It's more than just being about someone you love. Heaven just wouldn't be heaven without her." He said it so earnestly and sincerely, and it made me sad. I thought to myself, "Why is my love for my partner so much less valued simply because we're of the same sex?" I do not understand it.

The bus ride up to the temple was nice. I was actually surprised at how small the temple was. It didn't seem very big compared to the Jordan River Temple, for example. Maybe the expensive real estate factored into that, or maybe demographically they don't expect as many in the area to attend. The temple, itself, was very beautiful, as was expected, and the people who acted as hosts and ushers were very nice. I thought the chandeliers, in particulr, were quite lovely (Jonah would have liked them, too, I think)

One of the first things we looked at was the baptismal font. I remembered how much I enjoyed doing baptisms for the dead (partly because I enjoyed getting wet). But as I went through the endowment rooms and the sealing room we were allowed to sit in, I also remembered how much I never really enjoyed going to the temple. This is not to say that I didn't think (or still don't think) that temple work is valuable nor does it mean there weren't times or moments when I enjoyed going to the temple, but overall, my temple-going experiences were never joyful ones. I mostly went to the temple out of duty rather than because of a want or a desire.

I know people who absolutely love going to the temple, who find it a truly joyful, spiritual experience, and who are very dedicated to it and happy to be so. I envy that. I really do. Because I, myself, never really felt that way. Going to the temple often made me feel lonely and out of place. I always kind of felt like I didn't belong there. And I always felt like I should have been having some big spiritual experience or at least feel closer to my Heavenly Father in going. I had hoped that some of my big questions or struggles would have found enlightenment in the temple. I also really tried hard to go with a good attitude (although, admittedly, I often didn't, and maybe that was part of the problem). I also sometimes wondered if I really even worthy to be there. It wasn't like I was acting on my same-sex attractions at the time, but just having them made me feel like I wasn't supposed to be there even if my church leaders tried to convince me otherwise.

I remember one time going to the temple (and I don't think I'm divulging anything inappropriate here) and entering the Celestial Room and feeling so, so alone. And I remember thinking to myself, "If this is supposed to represent the Celestial Kingdom to me, I have very little to look forward to." That is the way I felt. I didn't want to feel that way, but that was my experience at the time.

There was in sign in the Draper Temple that said something along the lines of, "Only those who are morally righteous and worthy may enter the temple." I am totally paraphrasing, but I know the word "moral" was in there. I thought that was interesting. Nobody's perfect, and so I know that the temple is filled with imperfect people. I remember going to the temple one time when I had long hair and getting a few disdainful looks from some of the older temple-goers, and I remember thinking, "If I can't even come here without being judged, where can I go?" On the other hand, there have also been people who have treated me very well at the temple, so I know that that kind of hypocrisy is dependent on individuals, but I still find it hypocritical nonetheless.

The last room we went to was a sealing room (where couples are married for time and all eternity). A very nice couple said they had been married for 17 years and talked about their own eteranl family and the importance of eternal families in God's plan, and I was again reminded about how hard it is for a gay man to fit into God's plan as it is taught to us.

The irony for me was that the whole temple open-house experience was probably designed to invite the Spirit and make me feel good, and yet what it did was remind me how miserable and closed-off and alone I felt when I was an active temple-goer. It reminded me that I wasn't as happy as I am now. I was telling Jonah that in a way it reaffirmed to me that the choices I am making now in my life are better for me than going back to that. Ironic, huh?

Please don't misunderstand me. I am not knocking the temple. As I stated before< I wish I could have felt the way about the temple as so many people do. I see the glow of married couples when they attend the temple together. That never seemed (nor does it currently seem) a reality to me. I've never fit into the Mormon mold, try as I might. I think temple work is very valuable and important, and I am sure that the things one does and learns there are far beyond my mortal comprehension. I'm just relating my own personal experiences on how the temple made me feel.

I was really impressed at my niece's ability in staying quiet and reverent (she's quite hyperactive in day-to-day life). After we visited the temple, we took a look at that $770,000 house just for kicks. I don't know why a person needs that much room. The thing had three floors, seven bedrooms, six bathrooms, a four car garage, two kitchens, and plenty of storage space. I actually found it a bit obscene. Even if I had $770,000, I wouldn't have wanted to live there (and I certainly didn't feel it was worth $2,000,000). I was also disappointed that it barely had a backyard at all. If I were ever to buy a luxury house, it would not have been that one (plu I don't think I would want to live right across the street from the temple).

I told my mom about my feelings about the temple. Strangely enough, she seemed to understand where I was coming from.

In other news, I've basically been disfellowshipped (which means I can attend church and am still a member, but cannot do things like give talks, public prayers, bear my testimony, take the sacrament, or make comments during Priesthood or Sunday School; I have been permitted to stay in the ward choir (for now) and, of course, I can privately pray and testify all I want). It is a bit odd not being able to actively participate. Of course, I haven't attended Priesthood or taken the Sacrament for some time now, but I do enjoy reading scriptures and commenting on certain topics in Sunday School, and I've always enjoyed bearing my testimony. It's weird knowing I'm not able to now. Of course, not being able to bear my testimony in Sacrament Meeting doesn't mean I don't still have a testimony nor does it mean I can't bear it anywhere else; and even if I can't share comments in Sunday School doesn't mean I don't still have them nor does it mean I can't actively learn things or even share things outside of church. I guess the hard part is knowing I'm not allowed to do something I've done most of my life. But such are the consequences.

I did get the dreaded call this morning. I am meeting my Stake President on Tuesday evening where I am sure we will talk about where to proceed from here. I imagine that my excommunication is likely inevitable at this point (although, who knows, a miracle could happen). It will be sad, and in some ways I'm sure it will be a difficult transition, but at the same time, I just don't know how to do better than I'm doing. I feel a strange peace and calm about the situation that I hope remains with me.

Having never been excommunicated before, I'm not sure how things will proceed once I've met with my Stake President. He may deem it necessary to convene a church court, and then I gues we'll see where things go from there. I will certainly keep you all apprised. However, I do know at this point that the choices I'm currently making are the right ones for me right now.

Something More Light-Hearted

Taking a break from homosexual angst and possible excommunication, I thought it might be fun to do something a little fun today. Behold are some questions about Jonah and me that I took from another blog (with my own answers, of course).

What are your middle names?
My middle name is Earl. Jonah's middle name is Hiram. Although Cody and Jonah are not our real first names, those are, indeed, our real middle names. I'm not a big fan of mine (it's a family name). I don't know what Jonah thinks of his.

How long have you been together?
We've known each other for more than four years, and I'd say we've been together for three. And we've been married (as "married" as we can be) for almost two months.

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
Well, the line is kind of blurry from when we were just hanging out to when we actually started dating. I guess, technically, it was a year, but I would say officially it a few months.

Who asked whom out?
I would have to say it was him.

How old are each of you?
I'm almost 38 (yikes!), and he's 33.

Whose siblings do you see the most?
We see mine the most. I've actually only met his siblings once.

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
Probably being apart for so long, although I think we're handling it swimmingly. I also think we have different styles of doing things, and perhaps that is hard at times. Overall, I think we get on great, though.

Did you go to the same school?
Nope. He did work at the university I went to in Nevada, but we never actually went to school together.

Are you from the same home town?
No. He's from Las Vegas; I'm from the Salt Lake City area.

Who is smarter?
I think we're both pretty smart. It's pretty even. Maybe I'm a bit more book-smart. I don't know.

Who is the most sensitive?
Jonah. No question.

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
We like to go out a lot, although that has diminished since we bought our house. We go to the Cheesecake Factory a lot. IHOP, too (because it's right near our house).

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
I guess Los Angeles.

Who has the craziest exes?
I don't think Jonah has any exes, and mine are relatively sane. I had an ex-girlfriend who is bipolar. That's about as crazy as it gets.

Who has the worst temper?
Wow! Uh, neither one of us, really. We're both pretty even tempered guys. If I had to pick, I would say me. I think it would be easier to push me to explode than it would Jonah (although I know he has lost his temper before (though I've never actually seen it).

Who does the cooking?
I know how to use a microwave. Jonah can actually cook, although he's trying to teach me to cook. We both share the duty, although I generally need him to leave me instructions if we want the food to be edible.

Who is the neat-freak?
We're both pretty cluttery. It really depends. My car is spotless compared to his, but I think he cares more about how the house looks than I do.

Who is more stubborn?
Me

Who hogs the bed?
Jonah claims I do, but I don't believe him. I think we just have a small bed.

Who wakes up earlier?
Jonah. Good gravy, let me sleep, man!

Where was your first date?
Technically, the Cheesecake Factory at Caesar's Palace. Officially, Disneyland.

Who is more jealous?
Neither one of us. I certainly am not, and I haven't got much of a vibe that Jonah is, either. We trust each other a lot.

How long did it take to get serious?
That's a saga. There were lots of complications. Read this blog if you really want to know.

Who eats more?
Probably me. We both eat a lot, I think. I eat faster (unless Jonah is starving).

Who does the laundry?
Well, we both do our own, but Jonah is much better at it than I am.

Who's better with the computer?
I think that would have to be me.

Who drives when you are together?
I'm the one that does the driving on long-distance trips, but we both do a lot of driving. Jonah tends to do the driving when we're in Vegas, and I tend to do it when he's in Salt Lake.

What Is Wrong With You?

Sometimes I want to scream the above phrase to people I feel are idiots. Last Sunday this full-page ad appeared in both The Deseret News and The Salt Lake Tribune. The Deseret News chose not to include the photo of the two men kissing I guess because they feared it would offend its readers (as if the photo is the most offensive thing in the ad). Never mind that the ad is filled with half-truths, misinformation, lies, and hate-filled ignorance. Oh, no! Those things aren't nearly as offensive as two men kissing each other! Heaven forbid!

As I read the ad, I couldn't believe how ridiculously stupid it was and what it said about the people responsible for it. I love how we're compared to "druggies" and "hookers" (their words, not mine) and how we're called "godless." And, of course, there's always that watch cry that we have to "protect the children" from people like me. I'm always baffled by this one. My niece adores me and Jonah. The Primary and elementary school kids I've taught (yes, I have taught YOUR kids. Oooooooohh!) seem to have suffered no ill effects due to my influence. If your kids are going to be gay, it's already in them. There is little I or my "homosexual movement" could do to influence that. Heaven forbid you should teach your kids that they are still loved in spite of a condition they have no control over.

I went to the website of the group who sponsored the ad. Please visit it if you want a laugh. It's so absurd and outrageous how seriously misguided and ignorant these people are. It would be funny if it wasn't so scary that there are people out there who actually believe this stuff. Here's a link to an article in QSaltLake that gives information on some of the mis-truths.

Oh, and by the way, America Forever (the name of the group who sponsored the ad), I don't think the LDS Church really needs you to come to their defense. I think they already have enough public relations problems without you adding to it.

There's also some commentary here and here in the Tribune about the ad, if you are interested.

Sandra Rodrigues of America Forever apologized before a House panel Tuesday the ad by saying, "I want to publicly apologize to those who feel that America Forever is hateful. We are anything but hateful." Uh, sorry, Sandra, but yes you are.

Speaking of hateful, did you hear that according to Senator Chris Buttars (one of my very favorite people...NOT!) that gay people like me are "probably the greatest threat to America?" We're also compared to radical Muslims and we're "mean." You can read about it here. Thanks, Senator. I think you're a gem, too! When the voters of West Jordan keep electing this guy, what does it say about them? This man is a bigot. I don't say that about all people who disagree with homosexuality and gay-rights. I don't think everyone who disagrees with gay-rights is a bigot. But this guy is, whether he thinks he is or not.

And that brings us to Gayle Ruzicka, another of my favorite people. All the gay-rights bills that were up for consideration have failed, and she and Mr. Buttars have a lot to do with that. You can read about it here and here. I love how she says, "What we're talking about is choice -- someone's sexual choice. Why would we put into law someone's sexual choice? … This is not the right thing to do." Yeah, I chose this, lady. I love being in the minority after being a white, Christian, (supposedly straight) man for so long. I love having my rights denied. I love all the conflict I felt for so much of my life.

This "protect the family" mentality is so hypocritical. For touting "family values," I find it ironic how many families are hurt by these self-righteous people.

I'm usually a pretty forgiving, gentle soul, but today I'm mad. Sorry.

Making New Trails

A comment I made on Faithful Dissident's blog that I thought I would include here as well. Somehow it seems appropriate to my current situation.

Two quotes I've read recently:

"People who say things that differ from the norm used to get burned at the stake. The more controversial, the more of a nerve you're striking in the established community." - from the book, Change Your Brain, Change Your Life by Daniel G. Amen

"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Some people get "burned at the stake," so to speak, but sometimes sacrifices are necessary to create awareness and education about difficult subjects. Sometimes trails have to be forged.

If excommunication is indeed my future fate, it will sadden me. But I have also felt that I need to stay true to the choices I have made, and I have felt God telling me things will be all right.

Failure or Success?

The other day I read a comment on Beck’s blog (not from Beck, but someone else) that really hurt my feelings. I tried not to let it affect me, but it did. The comment implied that because of the choices I have made I was selfish and had deserted God and was rejecting Christ’s sacrifice for me. It made me feel terrible, as I’m sure you would imagine, and it made me feel like a failure as a Mormon. Being somewhat of a perfectionist in my life, I have always tried to excel at those things that I feel I am good at and improve those things in which I am not as naturally gifted. I believe the point the person who made the comment was trying to make was that because it was me who made these choices that may very well warrant my excommunication, it was my own fault that I am in the position I am currently in and that by putting my selfish desires above God’s laws, I have no one to blame but myself. I was feeling so sad. I’ve been so happy for the last three years and I had not felt such an intense sadness since before I met and fell in love with Jonah and came out of the closet. It certainly reminded me of a place I don’t want to return to. But it did make me feel like I had failed as a Mormon. Try as I might, I just haven’t been able to be the Mormon I once thought I ought to be, and that thought depressed me…for a time.
As I thought about it and prayed about it, I began to look at the successes I’ve had as a Mormon. I was a good missionary. I had quite a bit of success as a missionary. Many of the people I taught or knew on my mission are still good friends. One guy I taught and baptized served a mission himself and was married in the temple and has kids of his own that he and his wife are raising in the gospel. A guy I knew at school (where I met Jonah) converted to Mormonism and told me my example and demeanor were one of the factors that helped him be interested in the faith in the first place. I know several people who changed their perception of Mormons from negative to positive after meeting me. I don’t say that in a boastful way. I don’t think I’ve done anything special other than just be myself, but that is what several friends have told me. I taught Primary kids and think I had a good influence on them. I taught good lessons as an Elders’ Quorum second counselor and as a Priesthood teacher. Many people have told me that talks I gave or testimonies I bore or songs I sang in church moved them or inspired them or helped them in some way. I think those people who don’t know of my issues with homosexuality would likely view me as a very good Mormon just based on what they think they know about me. I’ve defended the Church and continue to defend it. My testimony has remained intact in spite of any mortal shortcomings. People often tell me what a nice person I am. I still pray. I still love God. I still try to be Christ-like in the best wasy I know how. These are just a few examples of how I feel I have succeeded in not just Mormonism, but my own Christianity. If it were all about “ME, ME, ME,” as the commentator implied, I don’t know that I wouldn’t have just abandoned the Church altogether.
The fact is this person does not know me or my heart the way I know Heavenly Father does. I do not feel I’ve abandoned God at all. In many ways, I actually feel I’ve drawn closer to him. I find it discouraging at times when people harshly judge a situation they do not understand and condemn somebody without ever having walked in his or her shoes.
The next day I woke up, and all of the negative feelings and sadness I had felt the night before had completely disappeared, and as I thought about it more and continued to pray, it was just confirmed to me that this is where I need to be right now regardless of the possible consequences. I am happier now, and this is what I need right now. I was reading a book, and a sentence leaped out at me: “If you’re too cautious to explore things, you miss out on things you need.” A voice said to my soul, “This is what you need right now.” Another book I am reading which discusses the brain had a paragraph that struck me. It said: “When a person gets treatment that doesn’t work, either because the diagnosis is wrong or the operating theory of the therapist is outdated, things get worse. People wonder, ‘What is wrong with me? Am I not trying hard enough? Am I not meant to be happy or well? I am even a failure at getting help for myself.’ I have found that most people indeed want to be better. When they struggle, it is most often not for a lack of trying, thinking, or motivation. For many people, we as professionals just didn’t have the right answers.”
The above feelings (that something was wrong with me or that I wasn’t trying hard enough or that I was doomed to unhappiness or that I was a failure) plagued me for much of my life. The course of action I was being asked to follow was not working. I grew weary and distraught as a result. I have chosen to take a new course of action, one that is providing me with positive results (at least they feel positive to me), and therefore I feel it is the course I need to take right now.
Through all of this, I have felt Heavenly Father tell me things are going to be okay. I have to trust that He understands the course of my life better than anyone else could, including me.
The clincher was an email I received that very next day (after such a sad night). It was from a friend I hadn’t heard from in a while (who knows nothing of my possible excommunication), and it said, “'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence... 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.' Something good will happen to you today; something that you have been waiting to hear.” As I read it, I just felt that this is the path I am supposed to be on right now.
There is so much we don’t know that God does know. I have to trust Him. I remember when I was a graduate student, I and some of my colleagues taught acting classes. There was one girl who wanted so badly to be an actress. She was developmentally, physically, and emotionally challenged. She was a nice girl, but she did not have the necessary skills or physical capabilities to be an actress. It didn’t matter how much she wanted it or how hard she tried, she would never be a successful actress. She did not meet the requirements she needed to move on in the program and therefore she was cut. It wasn’t that we didn’t like her or that she wasn’t doing her best; she simply didn’t have the necessary tools required to progress in the program. We thought no less of her and even graded her less harshly than we would have had she been in the same league as someone who did have the necessary skills and capabilities.
Likewise, I could spend my life taking all the ballet classes I wanted, but I will never be a ballet dancer no matter how deeply I would like to be one. Even if I had the proper physique, I do not possess the coordination abilities or grace or certain skills required to excel at ballet dancing. I’ve taken a lot of dance classes in my life, and although I am a better dancer than I once was, even I know that I could never be a ballet dancer. It’s not a talent I have. I even feel like my spirit is an excellent dancer, but has the misfortune of being in a mortal body that does not know how to coordinate the energy required for graceful dancing. I wish I were a terrific natural dancer, but I am not. Choreographers either don’t cast me or hold me to a different movement standard than they do people who are excellent dancers.
I may be wrong, but I have the feeling it is similar with my own situation. My mortal body does not know how to be straight. For many years I desired it ardently and worked my very hardest to make it so. No matter how much I wanted it, no matter how many “classes” I took, no matter how much I tried to follow the course of action the Church asked me to follow to do what was required, I could not make myself be anything but gay. Now that I have accepted that, I am much happier and more at peace with my course in life. It doesn’t make me a bad person that I couldn’t do what was required; it just is. I’ve said repeatedly in this blog that I am doing the best I can under my life’s circumstances, and that will have to be enough. I have felt that my Father in Heaven understands and that He is happy I am happy. That will have to be enough.

Excommunication Looming

I don’t know, somehow I thought I would be able to avoid it; that I would somehow be able to walk both sides of the fence indefinitely; but it appears that the inevitable is looming: I think it is very likely that I will be excommunicated from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints soon. To write that seems almost inconceivable. I have been a member of the LDS Church my entire life – nearly 38 years; and to suddenly know that this important part of my life will be removed on some level breaks my heart and I feel as though my stomach has sunk to my bowels. I almost feel nauseous at the thought. I thought I was prepared for this event, but I don’t know that I truly am. How can one be?
I met with my bishop last week to talk about my commitment ceremony and where I am in life right now. It was a good talk, but it was also clear that I wasn’t willing to repent of what I’ve done and that I would have to meet with my stake president. I actually thought that would happen today, so I was somewhat surprised that my bishop wished to meet with me again. Today’s meeting was much more difficult. My bishop basically made a last-ditch, heartfelt, earnest plea for me to turn back before it’s too late; that he was having an enormously difficult time watching me sacrifice my exaltation for a brief moment of happiness in mortality; and that he was giving me a last chance to change my mind. It was so hard to watch this wonderful man’s face as he realized I wasn’t going to give him the answer he wanted. I actually felt like I could see things from his point of view: watching someone you deeply love make a mistake that you feel they will eventually regret.
I didn’t know what to tell him. I wanted so badly to say, “You’re right. I’m making a huge mistake,” just to be able to relieve him of his anguish for the well-being of my soul. But I couldn’t.
Oh, it will break my heart to lose my membership in this church I so deeply love; but I don’t know how to do better than I’m doing and still maintain my sanity and emotional well-being. It is not as though I haven’t tried. I have done everything I was ever asked to do by my church leaders and counselors, to little avail. How much more praying and fasting and receiving Priesthood blessings and magnifying church callings and counseling and dating women and enduring to the end would I have to do to be able to do what has been asked of me? I can't go back to feeling miserable and unworthy and guilty and repressed and suicidal and depressed and sad and lonely, and I can't give up the wonderful relationship I have with Jonah. I just can't.
Am I making a huge mistake by choosing Jonah and being true to who I feel I am over my covenants with God through the Mormon Church? I can't say. It hasn’t felt like a mistake thus far. I still maintain that I am happier, more well-adjusted, and more fulfilled than I ever was when I was trying so hard to fit in the box that the LDS Church has asked me to fit into. Maybe exaltation just isn’t in my destiny.
In the afterlife I may regret the choices I have made in this life, but in my limited mortal perspective, I don’t regret them. They have brought me a happiness and well-being that I never thought I would attain, and hard as it may be for some to believe, I believe my meeting and falling in love with Jonah was divinely inspired. Being with him has brought me a joy I once thought was out of reach.
It’s not as though I am out killing people or selling drugs or stealing other people’s property or molesting children or raping women. There are far worse things I could be doing than what I am. My sin is that I am guilty of being in love with another man, and I still have a hard time comprehending why that is such a terrible thing. How can love be wrong?
I do not know what the future holds. I told my bishop that I would pray about what he has asked me to do, which I have; but I do not see how I can do better than I have already done. If excommunication is my consequence, than I have no choice but to accept that.
I guess we’ll see what happens. My neighbor wrote me a nice note. One thing she said was that although I can be excommunicated from the church, no one can excommunicate me from God. Jonah said essentially the same thing. He gave me a lot of great comfort when I told him about it and said I could use my church court as an opportunity to share a different kind of testimony with the brethren and show them the good that exists in gay couples like us. He made me feel so much better. I am so very lucky to have him. And like my mom said when I discussed it with her, “Well, it’s not as if you didn’t try, and you’re obviously happier now.” She’s right.
Still, it will leave a hole. I have written a statement I am going to share should a church court be held. I will not share it here because it is too personal, but I hope it creates a better awareness and understanding of the issues people like me face.
One thing I will say: no matter what happens, I still believe the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true. I found it ironic that today's Sunday School lesson talked about David Whitmer, one of the three witnesses. He was excommunicated and never rejoined the church, yet never denied his testimony. He was well-loved and well-respected. The LDS Church has made me as much who I am as my sexuality has. Some of my greatest values, attributes, and blessings have come as a result of my membership in this great religion. I will continue to defend and love my religion. As Jonah said (and I'm paraphrasing somewhat), "You may be excommunicated, but you will always be in a Mormon in your heart no matter what." He's right.

Married Life

Well, Jonah and I had our commitment ceremony on New Year's Eve day, and it was a beautiful ceremony. Jonah and his friend flew in the day before with his friend, and we spent that day preparing decorations, getting the church ready, picking up food, tuxedos, and other supplies, and just getting ready for the big day.

Thanks to Jonah and his friend, the church looked so beautiful. Jonah made the most gorgeous flower arrangements, and the church and reception area looked so nice.

On our wedding day, we finished putting final touches on the church. We had found this really nice gay-friendly church, and the pastor was so accomodating. Jonah and I looked very smart in our tuxedos. Our prelude music consisted of songs that were special to us, and Jonah picked the song that we walked down the aisle to, "I'm Accepted." It's funny, in normal every day life, Jonah is far more emotional than I am, but on our wedding day, I was the one who was really weepy, and Jonah was pretty steady throughout.

A good friend of mine performed the ceremony, and it went so well. Many people afterwards commented on what a beautiful ceremony it was (and fortunately, we have a video recording of it for posterity). I don't think either Jonah or I were very nervous (I wasn't, at least).

Most of the guests were from my side, although Jonah had some good friends there. It was a pretty small group altogether, less than 40 people, so it was nice and intimate.

My cousin made us an absolutely beautiful wedding cake, and my brother-in-law, who's a photographer, took photos, so it was really nice.

My mom gave an opening prayer, and Jonah's good friend gave a closing prayer. Jonah also sang a song for me, "Someone Like You" from Jekyll and Hyde, which was so gorgeous. It's sometimes mind-boggling to me that this huge, powerful voice comes out of my guy, who's pretty soft spoken in normal life.

My friend also read a poem by Roy Croft that went like this:

I love you, not only for what you are,
But for what I am when I am with you.

I love you, not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what you are making of me.

I love you for the part of me
That you bring out;

I love you for putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over all the foolish, weak things
That you can't help dimly seeing there,

And for drawing out into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find.

I love you because you have done
More than any creed
could have done to make me good,

And more than any fate
Could have done to make me happy.
You have done it without a touch,
Without a word, without a sign.
You have done it by being yourself.

Perhaps that is what
Being a friend means after all.

Jonah also had his best man play a joke on me where he gave me this oversized diamond ring when we did the ring exchange. It was pretty humorous.

Jonah and I had a lovely honeymoon. We spent our first night at the Anniversary Inn in Salt Lake City. It was extremely romantic. Our second night was at another very nice hotel, the Hampton Inn. I won't go into details, but we had an awesome time.

Jonah and I were able to spend two weeks together in our home in Las Vegas, which is the longest stretch of time we've been able to spend together in quite some time. It was lovely. We did some shopping, house improvements, and just spent time together. I remember grocery shopping and think how nice it was to just be doing the normal things that married couples do.

Anyway, after our two week honeymoon, I had to come back to Utah to do a show. Jonah and I talk nearly every day. I miss him, of course. I'm glad we had our ceremony. I just feel more married now. It feels more committed to me. I don't know that Jonah feels the same way or not, but for me, I'm glad we did it.

After my show here ends, I have nothing else on my plate. I've had some auditions, but nothing has come through yet. Perhaps this is God's way of saying I need to focus more time with my husband. I don't know. If nothing comes through, I will head back to Vegas and perhaps get a regular job until an acting job happens.

Anyway, married life is nice. Hopefully, gay marriage will be legal some day in all states. Jonah and I want to have a bigger ceremony a few years in the future. Perhaps we will be able to do it next time with all legal rights attached.