Oh, Say What Is Truth?

So in a previous post I talked about the news story where two gay men were cited for trespassing after becoming belligerent and refusing to leave the LDS Main Street Plaza after being asked to leave because they had engaged in inappropriate behavior. What that behavior exactly was is now subject to speculation.

The LDS Church came out with the following statement Friday regarding the incident:

There has been a good deal of publicity surrounding an incident where two men were cited for trespassing because of belligerent and profane behavior on the Church Plaza, which is an extension of the Salt Lake City Temple grounds and Church headquarters. While this property is owned by the Church, we want it to be a place of beauty and serenity in downtown Salt Lake City for everyone.

As we said earlier on this matter, these men were asked to stop engaging in behavior deemed inappropriate for any couple on the Plaza. There was much more involved than a simple kiss on the cheek. They engaged in passionate kissing, groping, profane and lewd language, and had obviously been using alcohol. They were politely told that the Plaza was not the place for such behavior and asked to stop. When they became belligerent, the two individuals were asked to leave Church property. Church security detained them and Salt Lake City police were called.
There is nothing satisfying in learning that there have been problems for anyone on Church property. We hope the Plaza will continue to be an asset to the community and enjoyed by the many that cross it each day.

Okay, so somebody isn’t being completely honest here, and it’s either the LDS Church security officers, the gay couple, or a combination of the two. I’m not even saying that anyone is blatantly lying, either. It’s also possible that actions or points-of-view on both sides have been subject to misinterpretation. And since this is a case of “he said”/”he said,” it’s not likely we’ll ever know the full truth of what occurred. In reading updated information on what occurred, here in The Salt Lake Tribune and here in The Deseret News, everything is not as clear cut as I felt it was in my previous entry. In the original story, Derek Jones said he and Matt Aune were walking home, holding hands, and said, “Matt paused to say something to me and hugged and kissed me.” In the police report, the reporting officer says that Matt “said they sat down and he gave Derek a kiss,” which is also what The Deseret News reports. When the couple was on the news, Matt demonstrated how he kissed Derek, which was just a kiss on the cheek, but the Tribune reports that it was a “kiss on the face,” and the Church’s statement is that the couple “engaged in passionate kissing” and “groping.”

In the Tribune article, Matt Aune says, “I guess they consider hugging groping. Regardless of if a kiss is on the cheek or on the lips, it still is not inappropriate -- unless you are gay, according to the LDS Church.” So was it a kiss on the cheek or a kiss on the mouth? Was it a short peck or was it sustained, passionate kissing? Were they on their way out of the plaza or did they stop to take a break or, as some have accused, were they even baiting church security or trying to make a statement? Had they had a simple drink or were they intoxicated? Were the guards justified in their actions or were they overzealous and insensitive? Do the answers to these questions matter?

It is fairly clear to me that once asked to leave the plaza, the gay couple (or at least Matt, as far as I can tell) became belligerent and uncooperative and did use profanity. It is for these reason they were detained, perhaps manhandled, and eventually cited. Some people are saying they were arrested or handcuffed or “slammed to the ground” or cited because of the kissing incident. No, they were detained and cited for refusing to leave (i.e. trespassing). Now whether or not I agree with the Church’s rules on the private plaza or whether I agreed with the sale in the first place (for the record, I didn’t), the fact is the city of Salt Lake did sell it to them, and they now own it, and they can create or enforce whatever rules they see fit, I suppose. Some of these rules include no sunbathing, no skateboarding, skating, or bicycling, no profanity, and no inappropriate behavior. The couple was evidently using profane language and was also refusing to leave the property, so that’s why the cops were called and why the couple was cited for trespassing. I’m fine with that.

If the couple was making out, and it wasn’t a simple peck on the cheek and holding hands then I also would say the LDS Church isn’t being discriminatory because I know straight couples have been asked to stop and/or leave for the same reason. However, if it was a case of hand holding and a peck on the cheek and that was it, then I disapprove of the way the matter was handled because it does seem discriminatory to me.

Although I am all for gay rights, my gut feeling at this time is that I’m leaning towards believing the Church in this matter. I find it hard to believe the Church would come out with such a statement if they didn’t know they had something to back it up. I’m not sure, but I would suspect they have security cameras on the plaza, and if they have reviewed the footage, they would have a leg to stand on in this case. I also sense that the story subtly changes the more we hear from Derek Jones and Matt Aune, which doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence.

Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying church security handled this incident as well as maybe it could have nor do I think there is even a problem with two men kissing in public. I also strongly feel that no matter what happened, members of church security did show a great lack of sensitivity and perhaps ignorance in the matter. To say the kissing itself was “unwanted” or “gross” or that they (security) “don’t come to your house and make-out on your property,” quotes that have been stated in accounts from the police report, Derek Jones’ own account, and news stories, well, I do think that shows a lack of sensitivity.

I also can understand why the gay couple was upset. While some anti-gay individuals say that the couple should have either known better or that they were, in fact, baiting the LDS Church or making a statement of some kind, it would certainly not be beyond the realm of possibility that this is a couple who simply love each other who were coming home from a fun night, forgetting in the moment where they were and simply were showing the same affection for each other that a straight couple might. It was late at night, and there were few, if any, people on the plaza. I think if they had really wanted to make some sort of statement, it would have been more effective to make if there had been more people around. But I’m not denying there is the possibility these two guys were on the plaza saying, “Hey, I love you. Won’t it be great if I show that love in the one place I know it will piss people off?” I tend to believe they were just having a good time and weren’t necessarily thinking about where they were or if their actions would have negative consequences, and when confronted, they became understandably defensive.

No matter what happened, I think there was poor behavior exhibited by both parties (i.e. Church security and the gay couple). Both did things that I feel make the Mormon church and gay people or gay rights activists, respectively, look bad.

And if Church security isn’t being fully honest about the situation, and it comes out, boy, is that going to be big trouble for the LDS Church.

My main opinion on this story is that I don’t think there is anything wrong with displaying one’s affection publicly, whether one be straight or gay (although I am not interested in seeing public make-out sessions from either homosexuals or heterosexuals), and although I don’t agree with the Church’s views on homosexuality, I also think that as the owner of private property, they have every right to dictate whatever rules they like and ask people to leave if they aren’t following those rules. For example, I have friends who smoke marijuana, and if they wish to engage in that activity, that is their right, but I wouldn’t be comfortable allowing that activity in my own house. Granted, marijuana is illegal and homosexuality is not, but I hope you get my point.

I do think if the Church applies completely different standards to heterosexual and homosexual couples, that can get into a dangerous area. Whatever the rules are, I think they should apply to all equally. I also think the Church would do well to say exactly what those rules are since at the moment, some of them seem vague to me. And I do think it’s very possible that Church security treated this couple differently because they were gay, even if they insisted that wasn’t the case. If that is true, and I actually believe it is, I think that’s wrong and contrary to the spirit of what Christ taught.

One thing that has really bothered me about this issue is the backlash I see in the comment boards on the websites of The Deseret Newsand The Salt Lake Tribune and in letters to the editor and in other articles I’ve seen. I saw this same behavior during the Prop. 8 debate and when Chris Buttars made ignorant remarks about gay people.

I am continually disheartened by what I see as an undercurrent of hatefulness and ignorance. These issues have really shown me the ugly side of people on both sides of the issue. It genuinely saddens me to see people on both sides of the issue treat each other with such contempt and viciousness. I believe it is possible to disagree on an issue, whatever it may be, and still maintain civility, decorum, and respect.

I remember when Senator Chris Buttars compared gays to radical Muslims, said we were the greatest threat in America, and compared our sexual practices to pig sex. At that time, many in the Utah Senate defended Senator Buttars, and there was a letter to the editor in the Tribune that said:

Had the anti-gay comments by Sen.Chris Buttars, R-West Jordan, been directed at blacks, Jews, women or Mormons, he would have been forced to apologize and resign immediately. These groups all share a common thread with the gay lesbian bisexual transgender community -- they are not the same as everyone else, and it isn't a matter they had any choice in. They have different beliefs, colors, lifestyles and means of creating a family unit. These differences don't make any of them a threat to America. It's hatred and lack of acceptance that are the greatest threats to society. Buttars embodies both of these values.
When the rest of the Utah Senate stand behind their colleague and his right to serve, and admit that they agree with some of his statements, but refuse to say which ones, they all need to be called out ("Buttars asks: Why should I apologize?" Tribune , Feb. 21). These people represent all of us to the rest of the world.
Living on Planet Utah has become an embarrassment.

Lisa Viehweg

Holladay

I agreed with the writer of the letter at the time (still do). What I didn’t agree with (as is often the case when I read the comment boards on the Tribune's site and (although less often) the Deseret News) is the name-calling and childish behavior exhibited by many of the commentors. I don't care whether you're for gay rights or against it; whether you believe homosexuality is a sin or whether you think there's nothing morally wrong with it; resorting to name-calling, insults, and mean-spirited behavior is uncalled for and, frankly, counterproductive.

Among the things I read at that time were the generalized statement that all Mormons hate gay people; a query as to whether Chris Buttars' wife has to get drunk and put a bag over her husband's head in order to stand having sexual relations with him; the insinuation that bigotry against Mormons is justified, but against gays it isn't; disparaging personal comments against a particular letter writer simply because she disagreed with homosexuality (the letter writer basically called her a hateful bigot who had no soul and compared her to Hitler (happily, those comments were removed)); sarcastic comments about the temple garment; accusations that Mormons can't think for themselves, etc.

Over at the Deseret News site, I read comments that equated homosexuality with bestiality, incest, and pedophilia; accusations that the gays were coming after your children; accusations that homosexuals are weak-willed and moral deviants; accusations that gay people are "godless" or don't love god; calls to leave the state of Utah if you don't like it here; labels of gays being "children of the devil," etc.

With this new plaza controversy I have read much of the same: terrible and ignorant words full of hate directed towards Mormons by anti-Mormons and gay activists and terrible and ignorant words of hate directed towards gay people by members of the church I used to belong to and still love and carry a great deal of love and devotion towards.

I just find all of this insulting and ignorant behavior so counterproductive and completely contrary to what I believe Christ taught. I have to say that the pro-gay rights people whose remarks I have read seem to be full of more vitriol and mean-spiritedness than the anti-gay rights faction (although I have read many remarks that are just plain ignorant and, yes, some that are just as mean-spirited as those of the pro-gay faction). The Tribune's comment boards are generally far more heated and nasty than the Deseret News (although I have also read many comments from Mormons that I find abhorrent). I know people supporting gay rights are angry, and they have every reson to be, but I find it so hypocritical of those demanding tolerance to be so intolerant themselves. Disagree all you want, but when you start making personal and generalized attacks, I think you become just as bigoted as the people you're accusing of being bigots. Don't think I'm excusing the anti-gay faction, either, because I'm not. I'm never seen such a self-righteous, hypocritical group of people than the ones who claim to espouse Christian beliefs while spewing hate and ignorance.

The bottom line is that neither group will ever convince the other to even listen to their point of view if they can't discuss the issues civilly. Have you ever worked retail? When a customer is yelling at you and calling you names and insulting you, does that make you feel more prone to help them? It certainly didn't make me feel that way when I did retail. I was far more inclined to help people that treated me with courtesy and respect. It's the difference between a civil debate and a heated argument. Yelling at your spouse and digging at them is less apt to solve communication problems than if you discuss a sensitive matter with each other in a calm, respectful manner. Disagree all you want, but no one will ever listen to you if you're insulting them or things that are important to them. Gay rights are important to gay people, and Mormonism and Mormon beliefs are important to Mormons. If one group picks at the other and insults the things most precious to them, do you really expect them to listen to you or even respect you or your opinion?

I have a pretty good knack (although not perfect by any means) of being able to see things from other people's points of view, even if I disagree with them. Take Chris Buttars, for example. I do not defend his actions by any means. I find much of what he says distasteful, and I think he can be very ignorant about many things and say things in a very tactless way. I do happen to think that he is a bigot with some very prejudiced and uneducated views about certain things such as race and sexuality. I think comparing gay sex to "pig sex" or comparing homosexuals to Muslim extremists is very distasteful and wrong. I believe his assertion that gay people are the "greatest threat to America today" is uninformed and terribly biased. I think his use of "the gays" or "the gay" is uneducated. I think many of his ideas are antiquated. But one thing he said was that gays are the meanest people he has met, and if he gets the kind of letters from the pro-gay faction that I imagine he gets, I can see why he would draw that conclusion. If more of us would be kinder, it might not make a difference to Buttars, but at least it would prevent us from stooping to his level. When we use insults and foul language and nastiness, we become exactly what we accuse him of being. How does that make us any better?

Should Chris Buttars have been reprimanded? Do I wish we would resign or be relieved of his position? Does he need to take responsibility for actions which are tactless and even hateful? Yes, yes, and yes. But he is still a human being (admittedly, one I do not care for), and whether he is a distasteful human being, I still think I would rather take the high road and treat him the way I wish he would treat me than call him names and insult his wife (who my mom works with at the temple and who my mom says has been nothing but nice to her). A man in my ward was once close friends with Chris Buttars. He does not agree with his manner of expressing himself, and found the situation I referred to so sad. I don't hate Chris Buttars, although I do pity him, and I do wish he could see past his prejudice and get to know the people he thinks he hates.

I wish that for all people. I wish anti-Mormons could get to know the good, decent Mormons and see that there are some really good, kind people in that religion. I wish the anti-gays could really get to know the good and kind gay people and see that there is a lot of good in them. I wish church security had been kinder to the gay couple. I wish the gay couple had been kinder to the church security members who stopped them.

You know, a friend of mine calls me a “conundrum.” I suppose he’s right. I am openly gay and have been in a relationship with Jonah for over three years, and the two of us recently had our commitment ceremony in December here in the great state of Utah. I’ve also recently been excommunicated from the LDS Church. But I was also raised Mormon and still love my religion very much and still attend my ward every Sunday I am able to. My bishop and stake president were both aware of my relationship and always showed great compassion in regards to my being gay and my relationship with Jonah. The members of my family, all who are active Mormons, have been nothing but supportive of me and welcoming of Jonah.

When I tell people this, there are some who don’t understand why I would choose to still devote my time to a church that preaches against homosexuality and which is viewed as one that actively fights against gay rights. I don’t expect people to necessarily understand. It’s complicated. All I can say is something I’ve said repeatedly in this blog: that my religion has made me as much the person I am today as my sexuality has, and I owe some of my most positive values and traits to both. I understand very much what it’s like to be caught in the middle; to be on both sides of the fence. I very much support gay rights, but I also maintain a great deal of loyalty to my religious beliefs and the church to which I still feel I belong.

I think so much of the bigotry, hate, and intolerance that exists in the world arises out of fear, ignorance, and misunderstanding. Whether you’re prejudiced towards somebody because of their race, their sex, their sexual orientation, their religion or lack of it, their political beliefs, or what-have-you, I think the root of the problem is failing to at least try to understand somebody and their points-of-view. Granted, some people make that difficult to do at times, but I think so many of the problems we have with prejudice have to do with a failure to understand one another or when we’re so locked into our own position that we can’t even be moved to try and see someone else’s.

From my own experience, I think there are many Mormons (and other Christians, too) out there that are so locked into a certain belief system (a kind of warped Christianity (it’s certainly not the Christianity I know)) that they become hypocritical, judgmental, prideful, and self-righteous. On the flip-side, I, of course, know many Mormons and other people of Christian faiths who are loving, compassionate, humble, and nonjudgmental individuals. I have many of them in my life and am inspired by their great examples. I know many gay people who are in loving, committed relationships who simply want the same legal rights that are afforded to others. On the flip-side, I know some irresponsible gay people who engage in practices that are dangerous to others and themselves, and I also know gay people who are more intolerant than the people they accuse of being intolerant towards them. I know people who are social drinkers and are very responsible when it comes to their consumption of alcohol, and I know people who abuse alcohol, and a good friend of mine is in prison right now because he accidentally killed someone due to that abuse. I know Democrats and Republicans who can civilly discuss issues with one another and who try to work together for the common good even if they don’t always agree on how to do it. On the flip-side, I know Republicans and Democrats who are far more interested in being right than in solving problems and will go out of their way to thwart a good idea simply because the opposite party suggested it. I know many fine people of different religions and ones who have no religion whatsoever who are good, morally upstanding people simply trying to live the best lives they can and, hopefully, help others do the same. I also know people who just attack and ridicule those who have a different belief system than they have without ever trying to get to know them at all.

My point is that we all as human beings come from different backgrounds, cultures, and belief systems. None of us is perfect, and we all do things that annoy someone else. Somehow we have to learn how to live with and understand one another without infringing on each other’s rights or beliefs. Of course, there is no easy answer to how one does that.

I think the danger comes when we stereotype each other based on the actions of some, even if it is a perceived majority. I think it is important that we see each other as individuals rather than as generalized collectives. That’s what I try to do in my own life, although I am, admittedly, not always successful.

I know I am naïve in some ways. I am an optimist, even when circumstances appear dire or frustrating. I truly believe in the innate goodness of people even when people are doing hurtful things to one other. I know I have a very idealistic “Pollyanna-esque” view when I ask why we can’t all just get along. I know this. But I suppose I would rather be that way than pessimistic, apathetic, or/and cynical.

Well, this post turned out much longer than I had anticipated. I guess I had a lot to say. Congratulations if you made it this far.

Something On The Lighter Side

So I've got my mom hooked on one of my favorite TV shows, "Lost," and each episode (at least in the first couple of seasons) deals with a different character's backstory and how they came to be on the plane that crashed on the island and what their life was like prior to the crash. For example, we find out one guy was an interrogator in the Iraqi army; one girl is an escaped convict; one guy is a con man hunting the man he feels is responsible for his parents' deaths; one guy was bringing his estranged father's body home for his funeral, etc. So my mom says to me, "Everybody's backstory is so interesting and intricate. If I had been on that plane they'd just do a flashback of me sitting on the couch watching reruns of game shows on the Game Show Network and saying, 'Gee, it might be fun to take a trip,' and that would be it."

Made me laugh! Maybe you had to be there, but it truly tickled both of us. We just couldn't stop laughing at that image for a few minutes.

I love my mom!

This Really Chaps My Hide!

I don't get let the gay vs. church issues upset me very much, but this news story really chapped my hide:

As reported in the Salt Lake Tribune and The Deseret News and a first hand account from one of the men involved.

My issue is not with the fact that they were cited for trespassing, but that they were singled out in the first place. Once the gay couple became argumentative and refused to leave, Church security was within their right to handcuff them and call the local police. What I really have issue with is the enormous double standard that exists here. First of all, it was about 10:00 or 10:30 PM, as I understand it, and few people, if any, were on the easement at all. Secondly, the couple was on their way home, and all they were doing was holding hands, and then one man gave his partner a peck on the cheek. That's it! If there are rules against public displays of affection on the Church-owned easement then why do I often see married couples and couples who are dating being allowed to be affectionate with each other in public on the Church Plaza without any repercussions? Heck, you see lots of couples just married in the temple kissing each other on the plaza. So why aren’t they stopped for such behavior? Because they are straight, that's why!!

You know, even if this couple had been making out or involved in blatantly sexual behavior (heck, I don't even want to see that publicly from straight people) on the Plaza, maybe I could understand. But they were holding hands and one guy gave the other a simple peck on the cheek. You can see a demonstration of this on this news feed (found under "Couple Detained for Public Affection", if you like. I'd be willing to bet a lot of money that if a straight couple had done exactly the same thing, Church security would not have bothered them at all. Making out, maybe. Hand holding and a cheek peck, not a chance.

I just think the security guards used extremely poor judgment. Even if they didn't agree with the couple's behavior, wouldn't it have been easier and less of a public relations nightmare for the Church if they had just let the hand-holding, cheek-pecking couple pass through on their merry way instead of making an issue of it? The couple wouldn't have had to get defensive (as I feel was their right), the security guards wouldn't look like complete assholes, and the Church wouldn't have yet another reason to look bad in dealing with homosexual issues.

As noted in the above articles, the Church issued the following statement regarding the incident:

"Two individuals came on Church property and were politely asked to stop engaging in inappropriate behavior-just as any other couple would have been. They became argumentative and used profanity and refused to leave the property. They were arrested and then given a citation for criminal trespass by SLPD."

The couple "became argumentative and used profanity?" Agreed. The couple "refused to leave the property?" Agreed. They trespassed and, therefore, were cited for it? Agreed. They were "asked to stop engaging in inappropriate behavior-just as any other couple would have been?" Excuse my language, but bullshit! A straight couple never would have been stopped for the same infraction. Would even two Italians men or French men have been stopped for a cultural greeting where they kiss each other on the cheek? Perhaps, but not as likely. It's such a double standard, and it makes me so angry!

At the very least, I think these security officers could use some sensitivity training. And for a church that ardently tries to cultivate an image of being welcoming, loving, inclusive, and Christ-like, I think this incident makes them look very bad.

Now the couple is banned from Church property for six months. For trespassing, yes, but all stemming from the fact that they were stopped for hand-holding and a peck on the cheek. Absolutely ridiculous! I'm glad in this world of famine and war and homelessness, we're protecting people from behavior from two people who love each other and simply express that love in the same way their straight counterparts do.

I remember when the whole controversy happened when the city sold this tract of land to the LDS Church in the first place. I was troubled by it then, and I am even more troubled by it now.

Ach! This whole thing really burns me up! Sorry for my language.

Blood Brothers and Validation

A very good friend of mine who I have written about here, here, and here is in town this week from the show he is touring with, and we got together to catch up and talk.

I've commented before how interesting it is how our lives have kind of paralleled. Unlike me, my friend was married to a woman, but mostly our paths have been very similar in many ways. Both of us were very strong in the church while we were in the closet, both of us are actors, both of us eventually came out and found someone we loved and wanted to be with, both of us have been excommunicated, and both of us retain a positive relationship with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. One thing I love about my friend is that he really relates a lot to what I have gone through and what I continue to go through. He's someone I can really talk to about Mormon and gay issues who understands my point-of-view and experiences and relates to them well. I also find it interesting that each of our partners is not LDS but comes from a very Christian background. I just love talking to my friend. We really share a lot of common ground. He was also very supportive and understanding just prior to my church court, and that was very helpful.

He asked about my commitment ceremony (since he was unable to attend), and I told him about it. We talked about his tour (I gotta get on one of those - he is making some very good money). And, of course, we discussed gay and Mormon issues and our experiences with excommunication. It was just so nice to share stuff with him, and it’s just really nice to have a good friend who’s traveled a similar road who understands.

We talked about how supportive our families have been. I know his dad has had a hard time with it, but he seems to slowly be coming around, and that was nice to hear. It was so much fun to see him, and it was just nice to catch up with him. Like the show we were in once upon a time, we really are “blood brothers” in a lot of ways.

I also discussed how odd it's been getting used to not wearing garments. He said it took him a while, too, and that he still wears an undershirt (as do I), but we also discussed our love of sexy underwear, so that was fun, too.

What I loved most is that both of us seem very healthy and happy, and for that I am grateful.

I am happy to report that since I was excommunicated, my life has changed very little. I still do what I've always done and certainly feel no loss of spirituality or presence of my Father in Heaven in any way. In fact, in some ways I feel like I'm even more perceptive spiritually. Weird. Not what I had necessarily expected, but I feel very grateful.

I had an interesting experience in church on Sunday. It was testimony meeting, of course, and it was a good meeting. At one point a man I did not recognize at all, but who has apparently been in the ward for some time, got up to bear his testimony. One thing he said was that he was thankful for the members of the ward who had had a positive influence on him by their friendship, teachings, and testimonies, and as he said this, I got the distinct impression that I was one of the people he was specifically referring to (even though I did not know this man at all). Just as this thought came to my head, the man said, "I remember, for example, a testimony this man in the purple shirt [referring to me] gave a couple of years ago that really had a positive influence on me at the time. he really said some specific things that were very helpful to me during that time." As he pointed to me I kind of smiled, and my bishop saw me smiling and smiled at me as well. I don't know, for some reason it just made me feel validated. After all, the person I was two years ago isn't much different than the person I am now, and if the testimony I think he was referring to is the one I think it is, my homosexual issues were very instrumental in causing me to say the things I said back then. It just reminded me that I did (and continue to) have a positive influence on people. Excommunication has not erased that or my relationhip with the Father or Christ. It’s funny, you just never know the influence you have on anybody.

Another interesting experience I had the previous Sunday (which I thought I had already written about, but I don't see any reference to it in my previous posts) was that it was high council Sunday, and two of the men on my disciplinary council were the speakers that day. As I think I mentioned in my post about my church court, I had asked my stake president if I could still sing in the ward choir and was told that I could. Well, it so happened that on high council Sunday the choir was to sing, and in between the two men's talks, I came on the stand to join the choir and smiled at both men knowing full well they remembered who I was. Like Jonah said to me, it was almost a silent protest in a way. It was my way of saying, "Look! I'm still here! I'm still doing all I can, just like I told you in my church court! Excommunication isn't stopping me from being the best Mormon I can be, even if I'm no longer a Mormon on record!" It felt good. Another form of validation, I guess.

In Sunday School that day I found it ironic that the teacher talked about those things that cause Satan to deceive us, and he shared a couple of stories about people who had been excommunicated from the Church who rebelled against it and became some of the Church's greatest enemies. That isn't me, and I don't intend it to be me. I've said before that I don not feel deceived. I don't see how the peace and joy and love I've felt in abundance in my life could come from anywhere except from God. And it's like my friend and I said to each other tonight, neither one of us feels any bitterness or anger towards the Church like some of our friends do. You always have a choice, and he and I have both decided that our circumstances will not alter our love and positive feelings towards the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Last Monday we had a surprise birthday party for my mom's 70th birthday. We invited a bunch of her friends from many different periods in her life. She was so surprised and so overwhelmed by it all. It was so much fun to see the joy in her eyes, and it was something she continued to talk about for days. As part of the celebration she received a book that contains photos from the party and letters to her from people who were there as well as those who were unable to attend. It was such a great party.

As part of the entertainment, I made a list of 70 things I love about my mom and told some stories relating to some of those things. She loved it. It was not hard to make such a list. There is so much I love about my mother. One thing I truly love about her is that she loves me just for who I am and loves Jonah as well. She has been one of my greatest advocates. I am truly blessed.

Life is really good. I do wish I knew where I'll be working come September, but other that that, things couldn't be better, and even as far as my job future is concerned, I feel confident that something good will come my way. Heavenly Father has blessed me so much and continues to bless me, and I know that He is looking out for Jonah and me. One thing I am grateful for is that no job will allow me to go back to Vegas and spend some time with Jonah. That, in itself, is a fabulous blessing.

Final Notice

It's been two weeks since I was excommunicated, and things have been good. I did receive the letter today. I knew it was coming, but it was still hard to read. I won't post the entire letter, but I'll just give the highlights.

I was told that I had been excommunicated and that I could appeal the decision if I felt there were errors or unfairness in the ruling. Then it said:

"You are no longer a member of the Church and do not enjoy any privileges of Church membership. You may not wear temple garments or pay tithes and offerings. You may, however, attend public Church meetings if your conduct is orderly, but you may not give a talk, offer a public prayer, partake of the sacrament, or participate in the sustaining of Church officers."

I think this was the hardest part of the letter for me. Even though it's been two weeks since the decision was made, and even though life has gone on just as before, and even though I do not regret the decisions that brought me to this point, to see it there in black and white somehow made it seem so final and, admittedly, left me with a profound sense of sadness. I was not sad because I felt regret or remorse. I was not even sad out of a sense that I had failed in my duty as a member of the church. I was just sad that I'm no longer a member of a church I still love very much. It just hurt to know that I've been "kicked out of the club," so to speak.

Look, don't get me wrong. Whatever your attitude towards the Church and its stands on same-sex relationships; whatever your attitudes towards homosexuality, the fact is that as it stands right now, I violated the covenants I made. I broke the rules. Am I happier than I was when I was living according to those rules? Yes. But I did break the rules that were set before me, and so I do not fault the Church or its leaders for the decision to excommunicate me. I'm not a member because of my own choices. There are those that say that the Church needs to change its rules regarding homosexuality. That's not for me to say, nor do I know what the future holds as far as this issue and the Church are concerned. I just know that as it stands now, I did something that merited excommunication. So I am blaming no one. I'm simply saying that after years of belonging to something and working hard to live true to that, it just made me feel sad to know that I am no longer a part of it officially (although as I've repeatedly said, no one can stop me from belonging to it in my heart, nor do I think it's possible for me not to belong to it).

The letter next said,

"Let me reassure once again that this council did not reach this decision lightly. The Lord’s plan of salvation provides a way for all of Heavenly Father’s children to regain his presence, and to that end there are covenants and commandments governing our conduct in this life that all are expected to follow. For reasons you explained at length during our counseling together and during the council’s hearing, you have chosen to go a different way and have thereby become subject to the consequences outlined in this letter. This is a necessary step in the process of repentance, and a spiritual protection for you as you struggle with these feelings. We still love you and consider you our brother in Christ..."

I think that's all valid. Next I was encouraged to keep doing the things I've always done such as read my scriptures, pray daily, maintain contact with my leaders, continue to have faith in Christ's atonement, etc. I was also encouraged no to let this experience embitter me, and my Stake President made the comment, "This has clearly been a long and exhausting struggle..."

I was also, of course, encouraged to repent and do those things which would enable me to come back into full fellowship again. This was to be expected. As I've said, if that means giving up Jonah and the happiness I feel with him, I simply am not willing or able to do that. I can't go back to the way life I was pre-Jonah nor do I have the desire to.

And then, of course, my Stake President told me I could call him any time if I had any questions or needed assistance or counsel. He's a good man.

I actually felt inspired to write him the other day. I wrote:

"Dear [President],

"I felt impressed to write you a letter. First of all, I want to thank you for all the help and counsel you have given me and, most of all, for your friendship. I also wanted to apologize for the difficult position in which I must have put you and the other high council members at my disciplinary council. I know just as it wasn’t easy for me, it couldn’t have been easy for you or the other men in that room. I know it was a hard position to be in, and as [my neighbor], my mom, and I commented to one another while we were awaiting the outcome, we were not at all envious of the position you were in. I know my actions are partly to blame for that, and so for that I apologize.

"I want you to know that I love and care about you very much, and I feel the same from you, and I want to assure you that that will never change. I also wanted you to know that I am doing very well. The week after my hearing, I went to church as I usually do, and I felt such a reaffirmation from my Heavenly Father assuring me that He is well aware of my individual situation, that He knows I am doing the best I can, and that I need not fret about my future at this time. I have felt an enormous amount of love, peace, and happiness.

"I will admit it is strange knowing I am no longer considered a member of the church on record, but nothing can ever stop me from being a Mormon in my heart, and as you and I have discussed, nothing can excommunicate me from my Father in Heaven, my Savior, or the love they have for me.

"I cannot explain to you just why I feel I have to make the choices in life I am currently making while still maintaining a testimony as to the truthfulness of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I can’t really explain it to anybody. But I have felt such a happiness in my life since making these choices, and I have felt an assurance that this where I’m supposed to be in life right now. I know my Father knows my heart, my testimony, and my spirit, and thus I am at peace. I do not know what the future holds, but this is where I need to be right now.

"You are a good man, [President], and I consider you a friend. I’m sure as someone who holds stewardship over a great many people, including me, you worry about your 'flock.' And that’s okay. That is appropriate. I just wanted to tell you that I hope you won’t let my situation weigh too heavily on your heart. I also hope you won’t put any blame on yourself for what has occurred. I don’t know that you do; but if you do, I’m telling you not to. I don’t know why things are the way they are, but I feel that both you and I have done the best we could do as far as this particular circumstance is concerned. Most of all, I just want you to know that I am doing fine. I’m still doing all the things I’m able to do. I had a great day at church on Sunday (even though I was expecting it might be awkward or uncomfortable; it wasn’t at all).

"Please be assured of my love and my appreciation for all you have done for me. I know the Lord is very proud of you and all you do in His service.

"Take care.

"All my love,

"[Cody]"

I do not know what his reaction was when he read it, but I did receive a call from his executive secretary today saying he wanted to meet with me. Unfortunately, I am not able to meet with him today as he was hoping because of work conflicts, but I'm hoping to meet with him soon. I want him to know I am well, and I also want to know that he is well.

Anyway, just thought I'd give you all an update.

A Father Knows His Children Well

You might think my first day at church after being excommunicated might be awkward or uncomfortable or depressing, but "au contraire, mon frère!" Truth be told, I had a perfectly lovely day at church today.

I will admit that as I approached my wardhouse, I felt a feeling of weirdness, but as soon as I entered the chapel for Sunday School, things seemed just as ordinary as they always have. One of the guys on the very council that excommunicated me (and who is also a good friend who always sits behind my mom and me during Sunday School and Sacrament Meeting) greeted me as always with absolutely no indication that anything was amiss. I sat down and listened to the lesson as I always do and listened to the comments. It was a lesson about what things we should devote our time to learning. It was pretty good.

My neighbor who testified in my defense the week before came up to me and said she was happy to see me there, and I thought to myself, "Yeah. Of course. Where else would I be? This is where I belong," and I just felt a feeling of ease and peace.

In Sacrament Meeting, a girl I taught some time ago in Primary was the Youth Speaker. At the time I taught her in Primary, her parents were having some marital problems and were going through a separation. She was quite an insecure girl and was in great need of a father figure, and she kind of adopted me as that person. It was a role, I admit, I was reluctant to take at the time, but I did. Now her parents are together again (in fact, her dad teaches the very Sunday School class I just mentioned), and she has grown into quite a confident young woman. It warms my heart to see that and, again, I was reminded of the good I have done in this church.

Her father then spoke about his own father and also spoke of how much Heavenly Father knows us as individuals and that he is aware of our individual situations and knows our individual hearts. I felt like much of the talk was directed at me by a loving Heavenly Father once again letting me know that he knows my very situation and that all is well.

There was a lovely violin number in between the talks, and then my former bishop gave a terrific talk about following Christ and also reaffirmed what was said in the previous talk about God knowing our individual situations and how all He expects from us is that we do the very best we can, and again felt Heavenly Father telling me that He knew I was doing my best. It was just an awesome day and an awesome reminder of how much my Heavenly Father cares about each one of us (and specifically me, in this instance) and how He knows exactly (and I mean exactly) what each one of us is going through.

Another thing happened that was a great reminder of that. There is a lady in my ward I have known my whole life. Her husband died a couple of years ago, and every time I've seen her since then, I have felt great concern for her. I kept feeling prompted to write her a letter telling her I was concerned about her, but I kept ignoring it because I wasn't quite sure what I would say in the letter. Finally, about a month ago, I felt the Spirit practically smacking me upside the head to write this letter, and this is what I finally wrote to her:

Dear [Sister],

I’m sure this will be a strange letter to get. I am not sure why, but you have been at the forefront of my mind these past few weeks. When I see you at church, I have felt very compelled to write you, and I have no logical reason for doing so. I can only assume the Spirit is directing me to do it. At first, I just ignored it, but I have felt more and more compelled to write you, and so I have finally decided to act on it.
All I can say is that is that I have thought a great deal about you since [your husband] passed away, and for some reason I have been concerned about you and am hoping you are doing well. I realize it has been nearly two years since his passing, but I do think about you a lot. I assume one reason for that is that my own mother is a widow, and I know that even though she sees her kids and grandkids quite often, there are still times when she feels lonely and rudderless. I know she sometimes feels the pain of an empty nest. I am currently home with her now, but am not often home because of work, and I know she gets lonely and bored and pines for the times she shares with her children and friends. That may not be the case with you at all. Perhaps you are doing great. But I simply wanted you to know that having seen my own mother’s experience, I know the loss of a spouse and having children move away can be a challenge.
I guess all I want to say is that I have been thinking about you and hope you are doing well. Like I say, I’m not sure why I have felt so worried about it, but I have, and every time I try to ignore those feelings, I feel more and more prompted to drop you a line and just let you know that someone is thinking about you and cares about your well-being. I’m sure you have many people in your life that feel that way, and you’re probably doing just fine, and I don’t know that my words are even necessary. But like I said, I feel (and have felt) prompted to write to you, and I knew if I didn’t do it, it would keep eating at me.
I’m sorry if this letter is awkward, and I hope that I am not out of line writing it to you. I feel kind of dumb writing it. I just wanted to convey my love to you and let you know that you are not alone. [Your husband] was a great man and a good example, and I’m sure you must miss him just as I know my own mother still misses my dad who’s been gone 17 years now. I know it gets easier with time, but the temporary separation from one’s eternal companion is a difficult thing, even when you know you will eventually be reunited. I just wanted to remind you that you are not alone and that Heavenly Father is very much with you and looking out for you. I’m sure you already know that and don’t need me to tell you that, so take these words for whatever they might be worth to you.
I hope you are well.

Sincerely,

[Cody]

She wrote me back a few days later saying:

Dear [Cody],

Since I don't often get a chance to talk to you in church, I wanted to let you know how kind it was of you to share your thoughts and feelings with me. Thank you for following the spirit and bringing a spirit of peace to me, for I have indeed been through a very difficult time these past several months.
It always makes me feel good when someone shares a thought or remembrance of [my husband]. So thank you for your kind words and for the message that I truly needed to hear.
With gratitude,

[Sister]

I've seen this sister at church several times since this correspondence, but it was today that she came up to me and once again thanked me for my thoughts and said how much they had meant to her. She looked so happy today (whereas some days I have seen a sort of sadness and loneliness in her). It all reminded me that the Lord knows exactly what she's going through just as He knows exactly what I'm going through and how He works through other people to help each one of his children. Her thoughts, my neighbor's thoughts, the talks I heard, the high councilman's greeting, etc. were all ways my Heavenly Father let me know He's just as with me as He's always been.

You know, Jonah and I were talking the other day about how even though I've been formally excommunicated from the Church that the Lord is still with me and hasn't withdrawn His spirit from me (at least, that hasn't proven to be the case with me), and he brought up the fact that if being in a homosexual relationship was so awful, the Lord would have withdrawn his spirit from me a long time ago, and yet just relatively recently he chose me to help this woman in my ward. He could just have easily chosen another ward member, but he used me, and thank goodness I was willing to (finally!) follow those promptings.

I do not feel any loss of Spirit at all. I do not feel that my relationship with God has diminished in any way. He is a loving and merciful being, and I am grateful for His enduring love and for a great day at church.

I am currently reading a really good book about the Puritans called The Wordy Shipmates by Sarah Vowell. I highly recommend it. It's a history of the Puritans, but told in a very light-hearted way and includes pop culture references and social commentary. I'm really enjoying it.

One paragraph struck me. In it, she's talking about John Winthrop, governor of the particular colonists she is writing about. She is talking about the idea of predestination and writes the following:

"Winthrop and his fellow Calvinists believed in the doctrine of predestination. Since God decides everything, God decides whether a person will end up in heaven or hell before the person is even born. The people who are going to heaven are called 'the Elect.' This is God's own aristocracy. And if that sounds like some frolicsome foxhunt, understand that to be a Calvinist is to be the Duke of Discomfort or the Duchess of Fear. Because here's the thing: How does anyone know? How does anyone know if he's saved? He can't. What he can do is work, try, believe, repent, love God, and hate himself. The diligent, hardworking, and pious are the 'visible saints.' If a person seems saved, odds are he is saved. Thus, he will spend every waking hour trying to seem saved, not just to others but to himself. Because if he says or does or even thinks heretical things, isn't that just proof he was never saved in the first place?"

This paragraph got me to thinking about how we as Mormons sometimes are so worried about all the things we're doing in this life to achieve exaltation in the next, that we seldom find the joy on the journey we're on and instead feel guilt or unworthiness for all the things we're doing wrong instead of appreciating and rejoicing in the things we're doing right. There are certainly remnants of Puritanism to be found in our religion. I spent a good portion of my life trying to live up to a certain ideal and feeling terrible about myself because I was unable to. I finally feel like I'm living life on my own terms instead of somebody else's idea of what I'm supposed to be. Wrong or right, living this way has brought me a great deal of happiness, joy, and freedom, and I think things are working out well. Whether I'll feel that way in the next life remains to be seen, but I've decided that instead of stressing about what I have to do to achieve a great reward in the next life, I'm going to enjoy the journey I'm on right now and just live the best life I possibly can. That doesn't mean I'm not continually trying to improve myself or progress, but it does mean that I'm not beating myself up anymore when I fail. I've decided it's a better way to live...for me, at least.

And Now...A Word About Garments

Not wearing garments has taken a bit of getting used to. I always feel like I'm not fully dressed. I feel naked without them. It's odd.

It's ironic. Before I got my temple endowment in 1991 and started wearing garments, I always slept in just a pair a briefs. I liked it. At the time, I thought wearing garments would be impossible to get used to. Frankly, I like wearing as little of clothing as possible. I get hot pretty easily, and I also find that the less I'm wearing, the more free and more comfortable I feel. If it were socially acceptable, I'd be probably go around naked (or at least in my underwear) if I could.

When I started wearing garments, it did take some getting used to. Now, after 18 years, it's become a habit, and now I'm finding it's hard getting used to not wearing them. On the other hand, now that I'm sleeping in just my briefs again, I am reminded how much I enjoyed it before (although I certainly don't have the same physique I had then). I do enjoy the freedom of being almost nude. I suppose I could sleep in the nude if I so desired, but as I've told Jonah, I don't enjoy sleeping in the nude; too much stuff hanging out and getting in the way. I need some support. ;-)

I bet this post is more information than any of you wanted to know.

Since I've been excommunicated, I have tried to find the humor in it or the bright side in it. Sleeping in just my briefs is one of those things. Being able to wear designer underwear is another. And poking light fun at it is still another.

Example: the other day Jonah and I were at a store together, and a nice man waited on us. After we bought our stuff, I commented to Jonah that I was really struck by that man's spirit; that he just seemed like a really nice man. I said, "Sometimes you can just tell that somebody is good by the spirit they convey," and Jonah jokingly said something to the effect of, "He's probably one of those Mormons," and I said something like, "I can't tell. They took my decoder ring away when I got excommunicated. And all those toaster ovens I earned converting people."

Sometimes you just have to laugh about it.

I won't lie. It's odd not being a member on record. It seems unreal. But, overall, my life remains the same. I'm still living the same life and have the same spirit I did before I was excommunicated.

I was mowing the lawn yesterday, and that was a good time to just think. And as I thought about it, I just said to myself, "I couldn't have done any better than I was doing, and I'm not willing to go back to the way my life was before I found Jonah and came out. God knows my full heart even if nobody else necessarily does."

I have no regrets.

Excommunication (or UP and Away)

Be forewarned: this is a long post!

Sunday I was excommunicated from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, a religion to which I have belonged for 38 years of my life. Although there was always a small glimmer of hope that this might not be the outcome, I feel I have known for some time now that it would be, and I felt quite strongly two weeks ago that this was to be the case, but that I need not fret about it.

I am not sad, as I thought I might be. It does, admittedly, feel a bit strange to know that I am no longer a member of the Mormon faith on record, although no one can ever stop me from being a Mormon in my heart. It also feels very weird to no longer wear my garments, as I have become accustomed to them over the last 18 years.

What I did realize in my church disciplinary council was that I already made peace with Heavenly Father regarding my homosexuality quite a while ago and that in spite of this judgment, things are good between Him and me.

I was scheduled to arrive at the meeting at 6:40 AM this morning. I was, admittedly, nervous and somewhat anxious, but also felt that things would be okay. I brought my mom with me to testify on my behalf, and a good friend and neighbor who would also be acting as a witness on my behalf met us at the Stake Center. We went in together and the Stake clerk, who is also a friend in my ward, told us to wait as the high council met.

Originally, I had anticipated I would be doing this alone, but my neighbor and my mom were willing to act as witnesses for me, and Jonah, in his infinite wisdom, told me I should let them. It turned out that it was a good idea as the waiting was the hardest part of the day for me, and if I had had to do that alone, it would have been much harder. As it was, I had my mom and my good friend to talk with and to deflect some of the anxiety.

It wasn’t until about 7:05 that my stake president came out. I think he was slightly surprised to see my mom and my neighbor even though I had told him that I would probably bring witnesses. He asked me if I wanted them there for the whole proceedings or just for their own individual testimonies. I told him I wanted them there for the whole proceedings. He said that was fine, as it was entirely my choice. We invited all of us in, and again, I think some of the high council members were surprised to see the two women that were with me.

The three of us sat at one end of a long table, and the stake presidency and a clerk were at the other, while six high council members were on one side and six were on the other. Among the high council members in attendance were a friend I have known my entire life; another good friend who I have known for a few years (I get along with him and his wife very well); three men who were all once in my bishopric when I attended a singles’ ward years ago; and another man in my ward whose daughter is a good friend of mine. It was comforting to see several familiar faces. There was also a man I recognized whose talks I have enjoyed when he has spoken to our ward. Of course, my stake president is also a good friend, and I recognized his counselors, whom I don’t know as well. The other six men I did not immediately recognize.

My stake president explained the reason why we were all here today, and asked me to confirm if the charge laid against me (that of a homosexual sexual relationship and commitment ceremony) was true. I confirmed it was. My stake president talked about how he had known me a long time and that we had counseled together about this, and that we were friends. He conveyed his love to me.

It was then mutually decided that my neighbor and mom would speak. I asked my neighbor to go first. She basically said she had known me my whole life and that I was a great example to her. She talked about my struggles and how it seemed my world was without color before I met Jonah. She talked about how I had defended the church during the Prop 8 controversy (not necessarily their position on the issue, but their right to fight gay marriage should they so desire). She said a lot of really nice things about me and my membership. I wish I could remember them all, but I can’t. I will say she was extremely eloquent and strong with her words.

My mom next read a statement she had prepared detailing the struggles I had gone through and why I had chosen the course I had chosen. She talked about what good people Jonah and I are and her hope that maybe in the future the church might change their position on this matter. I don’t know if that will happen or not, but that is what she said.

I was then asked to speak about how I had come to be in this position we now found ourselves in and was also asked to bear my testimony in the process because my stake president wanted the other members to feel of my love of the Church and of my Father and Jesus Christ.

Originally, I was just going to write some thoughts and wing it, but I felt inspired to read a prepared statement so I could be sure to say everything I meant to say. I will not write exactly what I said as most of it has already appeared in this blog in one form or another. I also bore my testimony.

Once I finished, my stake president thanked me for my words and said he could feel of my love. He then left it open to questions from any of the high council members. Several people on the council asked various questions, which I will not post here. All in all, I felt like I answered most of the questions well even if it felt a bit awkward to be grilled somewhat.

After the questions were asked, my stake president told me that I and my mom and neighbor would be asked to wait in another room. During this time there would be a deliberation as well as a prayer held between the stake presidency and later the entire council until a unanimous decision was reached as to what the final judgment would be. I cannot remember what order all this would happen in, however.

My stake president led us into a private office and also asked if he could make copies of my mom’s and my statements for the record. I told him he could. Then he did and then the deliberation process began.

During this time my mom, my neighbor, and I discussed many things, some pertaining to the matter at hand; others completely off topic. I was happy to have people to talk with, especially because the wait was quite long. My neighbor reaffirmed to me that she felt things would be okay for me no matter what the outcome. We talked about the fact that it was taking so long was a good sign; not that we thought it would change the outcome, which I already felt would be excommunication, but because that indicated that it was not easy to come to a consensus and that there was struggle involved. As my neighbor said, if they figured this out in ten minutes, that meant they probably hadn’t learned anything or thought about anything differently than when they came in. The fact that it took a while indicated to us that it was not so cut and dry for everyone in the room.

As I understand it, when the council convenes, six men are designated to fight for the accused and six are designated to fight against the accused. They don’t know what they will be fighting for or against until the evidence is brought in at the meeting. I still think it’s a weird system since essentially all twelve are still very much invested in Church policy. However, based on the questions I was asked, I felt that some of the men I was closest to were on the side against me, so I would assume that would be a hard position to be in, to basically take a position against someone you consider a friend. I may be wrong about the whole system or who was fighting for and against, but that was my impression.

I wish I could remember all the things that were discussed, but it had already been a long week, and I was pretty tired, and so much happened that day that I just can’t seem to recall everything.

It took about an hour and a half, I believe, for a consensus to be reached. While it was hard to wait all that time, I was also thankful that it was not an easy decision to come to. My stake president invited us back in, and I was asked to stand. I was then told that the decision had been made to excommunicate me. My stake president then explained what this meant: that I was no longer a member of the Church and could not participate in things such as giving talks, saying public prayers, bearing testimony, attending the temple, taking the sacrament, paying tithing, making comments, wearing the garment, etc. Most of this stuff I have already stopped doing, so I don’t see that my life will change much. I was also invited to continue attending church in a respectful manner, which is what I have been doing and what I planned on doing anyway. I was also invited to repent and come back. I did find it interesting (and my neighbor also made the same observation) that as my stake president was reading all this church policy to me that his heart didn’t seem very in it. This obviously was a very, very difficult thing for my stake president, and it was clear to me that he was troubled by it all. He also said his love for me as well as the brethren in that room would not change for me. He also counseled me not to let this outcome cause me to be bitter or angry as he has seen it happen to some. He asked me to continue to counsel with church leaders wherever I attended church. He also told me I could appeal the decision if I wanted to (since I feel this is what’s supposed to be, it is not my intention to do so). He then asked me if I had any questions or anything further to say. I asked if as a non-member I could still sing in the choir. He said he didn’t see any reason why I couldn’t. I also wanted to ask him if I could still read scripture in class even if I could make no further comment on them, but I forgot. I will ask him later. I also told the men in that room that I was sorry to put them through this as I know it must have been difficult and maintained that I have only tried to be the best person I can be under the circumstances life has dealt me. I bore my testimony and expressed my love, and then I finished and was invited to sit down. The stake president reminded everyone on the council that the goings-on in the room that day were completely confidential and to be told to no one outside of the room.

We closed the meeting with a prayer. I hugged several of the men, many who were my friends. The first man who hugged me was my stake president, who seemed very torn by the whole affair. He expressed his love and friendship. He also indicated that I would be receiving an official letter soon telling me what the next steps were for me. The next guy who put his arm around me was a man I did not know. He said he felt prompted to tell me to repent and not to give up on myself. His words truly rang hollow with me. I know it came out of a place of love, but I also felt like it came out of what he has always thought. I haven’t given up on myself. I like myself very much. I’m very happy with who I am, and if repenting means losing Jonah, that is something I am unwilling and unable to do.

Another neighbor in my word gave me a hug and expressed his love. The man in my ward whose known me all my life and who was also very saddened by the proceedings said, “We love you, Cody. Come back! Come back!” When I talked to Jonah about this later, he told me, “You’ve never left. You’re doing exactly what you’ve tried to do this whole time. Even though you’re not a member on paper, you’ve never stopped being a member and doing all the things you are trying to do in your heart.”

Another man hugged me. One guy from my singles’ ward said, “We love you, Brother.” Another said he loved me and told me to call them any time. Another said he admired my courage and loved me very much. One of my good friends from the ward said, “Two things. Number one: what happened here today is completely confidential, and you know what that means [he meant he wasn’t going to tell his wife, also a good friend, any of this. It wouldn’t matter to me if he did, but I appreciated the sentiment.] Number two: no matter what happened here today, it doesn’t change our esteem for you. My wife and I will continue to put you high on a pedestal like we always have. Keep on being a good example to my son and daughter, like you always have.” This was perhaps on of the most meaningful comments I received in that meeting. Two other brothers indicated that it was good to have met me.

I didn’t feel sad or surprised when it was all over, and I walked outside with my mom and neighbor (oh, I forgot, when my neighbor hugged me after the meeting was over, she whispered, “It was an absolute honor, Cody.”), the sun was brightly shining. We’ve had about a solid week of rain here in Utah (which is very unusual for June), and this was one of the first times in a while I had seen such a bright, sunny day. I took it as a good sign (and my neighbor told me she, too, had noticed it and had thought the same thing).

All in all the whole process took about three and half hours or so. By the time we got out it was just after the time when our Sunday School started. I was very tired and still had a long day ahead of me with two shows to do at the theater where I work, and I figured an excommunication was enough church for one day, so my mom went to church alone, and I went home to sleep. My mom told me that she ran into the stake clerk, who obviously knew about the proceedings and that he gave her a hug, told her he was sorry, and expressed his love. I thought that was nice. I called Jonah and explained everything, and we had a really good talk. He reaffirmed that I am doing as much as I can and that this formality does not change my relationship with God or the fact that He will still speak with me through his Spirit. We talked about many things, and I told Jonah I felt good about it all.

I took a nap, which was much needed. When I awoke, I removed my garments and dressed for work. It was a very odd feeling to not be wearing something I have been wearing faithfully for 18 years, but I knew it was what was required, so I did. Maybe now I can start wearing some fashion underwear that I’ve never been able to wear. (That was my half-honest attempt at some humor.)

As I drove to work I put my IPod on shuffle, and a song came on that is, interestingly enough, quoted in the second post of this very blog (back in 2006). It is a song called “Different” from a Sid and Marty Krofft musical called Pufnstuf. I quote it again here:

When I was smaller, and people were taller,
I realized that I was different;
I had a power that set me apart.
I learned to take it, to use it to make it.
It's not so bad to be different;
To do your own thing, and do it with heart.

Different is hard. Different is lonely.
Different is trouble for you only.
Different is heartache. Different is pain.
But I'd rather be different than be the same.

At times I'd wonder what hex I was under.
What did I do to be so different?
Then I discovered some others like me.
Wonder no longer. Together we're stronger.
It's not so bad to be different;
Be true to yourself; that's what you must be.

Different is hard. Different is lonely.
Different is trouble for you only.
Different is heartache. Different is pain.
But I'd rather be different than be the same.

As I listened to the words, I knew Heavenly Father was sending me the message that even though I had faced a hard thing because of my choices, it was so much more important to be true to myself. It filled me with such joy and such a confirmation that Heavenly Father has never stopped being with me this entire journey.

Soon after that song, another song which I am not very familiar with from a musical called Triumph of Love called “Issue in Question” played (yes, I have a lot of musical theatre on my IPod. I’m gay! Sue me!). I quote it here, changing the sex of the person he is singing about to more accurately fit my situation:

Issue in question, a rapid heart rate,
Probable cause unknown.
Shortness of breath when there's someone near
Or when I'm alone.
Postulate theory, then explore,
Subsequent query
May unlock the door.
Issue in question,
The rapid heart rate happens when [h]e is near.
Shortness of breath when I'm with [him],
Now it's perfectly clear.
[He] is the cause and furthermore,
Nothing is as it ever was before.
Why this strange anticipation?
Why this sense the world is new?
I'm alive, at last I am alive,
And now the world is, too!
Issue in question, an urge to shout it,
Difficult to suppress.
Simple suggestion, forget about it,
Agonize less. Cogitate, ergo, use my head.
What is this odd emotion that I dread?
Is it love? My God, I hope not.
If this is love, I am undone.
Love's a curse, a cross to bear, or worse,
A war that's never won.
Issue in question, my years of training,
All of it gone for naught.
Disregard passion,
Rely on reason,
As I was taught.
Suddenly none of that applies,
Not when I've gazed into those eyes,
they are astounding
Oh, God, they take my breath away.
Eyes that grace the most amazing face
In ways I dare not say.
Shouldn't I tell [him] the way I'm feeling,
Ev'ry last detail of
How my heart hovers against the ceiling somewhere above?
Never mind logic truth and art.
Only one issue for this heart.
Issue in question?
Issue in question? No question. It's love.

As I listened to these words, I realized that all the reason in the world, all the commandments, all the “training,” etc. does not take away the fact that Jonah is the man I love nor does it take away the happiness I feel when I’m with him. Again, I felt a resounding confirmation that Heavenly Father is happy that I am happy and that all will be well with me.

Jonah was in town the other day to see my show, and one of the things we did was see the movie, Up, with my mom. If you have not seen Up and are planning to, do not read this because I am about to reveal a major spoiler. First off, I have to say the movie was one of the most magical I have seen in some time. It was awesome. In the story, the main character made a promise to his wife that he would take her to Paradise Falls in South America. However, life gets in the way, and he is never able to keep that promise before she dies. When she dies, he is unable to let go of her (or the stuff in his house that represents her) nor is he willing to forgive himself for failing to keep his promise. He decides to strap hundreds of helium-filled balloons to his house and fly to Paradise Falls so that he can keep his promise to his late wife. At a certain point in the movie he finally gets to the place he always thought he wanted to be, the place he always wanted to take his wife, but realizes there is something else he needs to do to help someone else, and because at this point in the film the helium balloons have lost much of their air, the only way he can help this other individual is by throwing all the stuff that has meant so much to him, that he has hung onto for so long, out of the house. This he does, and this enables him to help this other person and enables him to begin the journey to live his life again. He discovers later that even though his wife never got to see Paradise Falls, that the journey they took just being married and together was adventure enough for her and she gives him permission to start a new adventure without her.

As I watched this movie I knew I was going to be excommunicated, and I realized that the parallels were very similar to my own situation. Sometimes in order to move on in life you have to let go of things, even if they are things that are very precious to you. My religion, as you well know, has meant the world to me, but I also feel that God has now given me full permission to begin a new chapter of my life, and in order to do that, I have to be okay with leaving some things behind. Sometimes you have to lose everything to gain everything. Sometimes what you think you want and what you really want are not the same thing. Of course It’s strange to lose my membership. Of course I feel a sense of loss. But I also feel a great sense of peace, freedom, and happiness as well. Things are going to be just fine for me. I don’t think my lifestyle or attitudes will change much from what they already are. I realized that I made my peace with God about my homosexuality long ago. A formal break from the Church doesn’t change that.

Jonah has helped me be happy. He has helped me further appreciate the beauty in life and in the world. He has helped me be less selfish and more loving. He has helped me see things in myself I thought I had lost. He has shown and given me so much love. He has helped me draw closer to the Lord in many respects. How can that be a bad thing?

Don’t be sad for me. Don’t mourn for me. Don’t be worried about me. I’ve realized that things are going to be just fine.

Please excuse any grammatical errors. It's been a long week, and I'm writing this late at night and am tired. Thanks to all for your words of love and support during this time.

Another Quote

A friend who doesn't know about my situation passed on this quote:

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be and not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love."

It just seemed like another message for me from a loving Heavenly Father.

Update On Previous Post

I added the third quote I referred to and my reflections on it for those of you who have already read the previous post and are interested. It's a really good quote. It's worth reading. It's the one by Harold B. Lee.

The Great (and Not So Terrible) Day

Today was a really good day at church. As you may imagine, I have been somewhat concerned about my possible excommunication from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I asked Heavenly Father in my prayers last night to help me feel more easy about it and asked that I would get some message in church that would reaffirm that everything would be okay.

When I arrived for Sunday School, initially I felt a sense of trepidation because the lesson was on the three degrees of glory, and of course, since I am not sure what my eternal fate will be, I thought the lesson might be a downer. But on the contrary, the lesson lifted my spirits a great deal and I felt so strongly that not only is Heavenly Father deeply aware of my situation and the intents of my heart, but I felt a great assurance that no matter what the outcome is of my church disciplinary council that God knows I am doing my best and that this is satisfactory.

The teacher who taught the lesson read three quotes that particularly impacted me. The first was a quote from John 14:1-3, which I, of course am well acquainted with, but this time it seemed to have greater meaning:

“Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.
“In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.
“And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you unto myself, that where I am, there ye may be also.”

Heavenly Father was telling me (and I felt this in my heart more than what the words actually say as I reread them now) to calm down and know that all is well. He knows my heart and my devotion to Him and he has a wonderful place prepared for me that I will be happy with, so there is no need to fear.

The second quote was from a talk that Boyd K. Packer gave on May 7, 1995 called “The Play and the Plan.” In it, he said,

“Remember this! The line “And they all lived happily ever after” is never written into the second act. That line belongs in the third act when the mysteries are solved and everything is put right. The Apostle was right when he said, ‘If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable.’ (1 Corinthians 15:19.)
“Until you have a broad perspective of the eternal nature of this great drama, you won’t make much sense out of the inequities in life. Some are born with so little and others with so much, some in poverty, with handicaps, with pain, with suffering, premature death even of innocent children. There are the brutal, unforgiving forces of nature and the brutality of man to man. We’ve seen a lot of that recently.
Do not suppose that God willfully causes that, which for His own purposes, he permits. When you know the plan and purpose of it all, even these things will manifest a loving Father in Heaven.”
“You will learn that the Plan is fair; however it appears, it is fair.”

What this quote helped me feel was that it is impossible for any mortal to understand the whole perspective of God’s plan. It’s impossible for me. It’s impossible for the members of the high council who will be delivering judgment on me in two weeks. I think it’s even impossible for the Prophet, simply because he is mortal. We all may get snatches of understanding, but the only being who understands the plan in its entirety is God himself (and perhaps Jesus and the Holy Ghost).

I do not know why I am gay, but I know I am, and I know I am happy being so and I’m happy in my relationship with Jonah. I cannot go back to the life I lead prior to coming out and prior to meeting and falling in love with Jonah. I can’t, nor do I want to.

On the other hand, because of my own spiritual experiences, I have been assured by the Spirit that the LDS Church is true, and this is something I couldn’t deny even if I wanted to. It happened, and it changed my life for the better in many respects, and it was such a powerful revelation at the time that I would fear to deny that it happened.

The seeming incongruity between my belief and knowledge that the LDS Church is still true and my knowledge and belief that I am gay and that there is no changing that and that I’m happier for having come out and married my partner is hard to explain and can be frustrating. In spite of it, I know I am doing my best, and I know God knows that, and whether or not I am excommunicated in two weeks, I know that the only judgment that matters in the end is between my Father and me. Today I felt strongly that I could face Him with a clear conscious no matter what church leaders decide to do regarding my fate.

Which brings me to the third quote, from The Teachings of Harold B. Lee. It says,

“Son, all you have to worry about is that you are doing your best in the place where you are today. That is all you have to be concerned about. You are not going to be judged by how you measure to someone else… The only measure by which you are going to be measured is, How will you compare with what you had the capacity to do? That is the measure the Lord’s going to measure you by, to see whether or not you have done, to the best of your ability, whatever came within your hands this day, and if you can answer the same honestly day by day. And the only day you have to worry about is today. There is nothing you can do about yesterday but repent. That means if you made mistakes yesterday, don’t be making them today. Don’t worry about tomorrow, because you may have no tomorrows. This is the masterpiece you ought to be thinking about today. And if you can always witness honestly that whatever you did, you did to the best of your ability, and next day try improvement on that, when your life’s end comes, of you it can be said in truth, his was a successful life because he lived to the best that was in him. That’s all the Lord expects of any one of His children. We are all born with different capacities, some to do one thing, some to do the other, and all He asks is that we do our best; and that’s the measure by which we’ll be judged when the time comes.”

I found this quote to be perfect in my own personal situation. It reassured me that I am doing my best and that this is acceptable before the Lord. I believe I am doing the best of my ability according to my own personal cirsumstances, and I feel I could honestly face God and tell him that. I believe that being gay is part of my own mortal journey. There is nothing I can do about it, nor do I want to. I don’t know how I fit in God’s plan as I currently understand it, but I feel that God is pleased with me and with Isaias and with our relationship, and so that’s all that matters right now. How it is wrapped up in the afterlife is God’s business and none of my concern at this time.

The day continued to get better during Sacrament Meeting. One of my former primary kids, who is now a deacon, was the youth speaker. When I taught him in primary several years ago, he had a terrible stutter. My sense was that he was an incredibly smart kid whose brain simply worked faster that his mouth. I remember being exceedingly patient with him and letting him trip up while reading various scriptures or thoughts, and just let him read no matter how long it took until he was finished. None of the other kids or I ever let him feel bad or ashamed, nor was there any reason for him to feel that way. He simply had a stutter.

Today he gave a nearly flawless talk, and I felt so proud of him and felt such admiration that he has turned into such a fine, young man. Both he and his brother, who are the sons of our current bishop, are such good young men, and I admire them.

As I watched one of my former and grown up primary kids give this great talk without skipping a beat, I couldn’t help but wonder the influence I had on him. Perhaps I had none, but I’d like to think that I had a positive influence on him, not just concerning the stuttering issue, but in his upbringing in the gospel. I will never know for sure, but I felt the Spirit confirm to me that I have done much good as a member of the Church, and that I should be pleased and proud of my contributions because my Heavenly Father is. It’s easy to succumb to feelings that I have somehow failed to be a “good” member of the LDS Church because of my living my life in a manner which is incongruent to its teachings.

Don’t misunderstand me. I do not in any way regret my choices to come out or to have a relationship with Jonah. I feel I am doing nothing wrong in that respect. But my whole life I have been taught to live a certain way within my religion, and on one level, I have failed to do that, and being the perfectionist that I am, this has concerned me. I just felt a great reassurance that God is pleased with my efforts, and so I should be, too.

After another talk, a sister sang, “Abide With Me.” While there is a small chance that I may not be excommunicated, I have felt that I will be, but that there’s no need to fear it. As I really listened to the words of this song, I felt the Lord tell me that nothing would ever cause Him to leave me. Not that I feel he would, but it is always nice to be reassured. But I just felt that no matter what happens, all will be fine.

A little baby from the row in front of me crawled my way during one of the talks, and I held her, and it felt nice. I don’t particularly want children, but I like children, and holding her made me feel good.

Later a guy gave a talk about his mother telling him that parents need to give their kids the “roots of responsibility, but the wings of freedom.” I liked that. That is what God has done with me.

I heard a speech that Ellen Degeneres gave at Tulane University recently. In it she said,

“Really when I look back on it, I wouldn't change a thing. I mean, it was so important for me to lose everything because I found out what the most important thing is, is to be true to yourself. Ultimately, that's what's gotten me to this place. I don't live in fear, I'm free, I have no secrets. and I know I'll always be ok, because no matter what, I know who I am. So In conclusion, when I was younger I thought success was something different.
“…But my idea of success is different today. And as you grow, you'll realize the definition of success changes. …For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity, and not to give into peer pressure to try to be something that you're not. To live your life as an honest and compassionate person. To contribute in some way. So to conclude my conclusion: follow your passion, stay true to yourself. Never follow anyone else's path, unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path, and by all means you should follow that.”

I am following the path I need to follow; the path that makes me happy, and I have felt that God knows that, and that all will be well.

As I talked to my mom after church, I received a phone call from a friend on the high council informing me that he needed to deliver the letter requesting that I appear before the High Council in two weeks. After I hung up, my mom asked me who it was, and I explained to her what it was about. She understands my choices and knows I am happy and loves Jonah, but she is also saddened by the fact that I may be excommunicated. We talked for a bit about it, and she asked me when I first knew I was gay and how long I had held all the bad feelings inside. I told her I felt I was gay since early childhood, but never fully admitted it to myself until high school even though I struggled with it for years. I pulled out my old journals and read some entries to her from that period in my life. I also read her a letter I had intended to give her confessing my homosexuality (this was before I gained a testimony about the church and ended up going a mission). It was a beautiful letter, very well written (although a bit melodramatic in some places, but still very much what I feel). I would reprint it here, but it is very long, and I would have to retype it, which I don’t have time to do today. Maybe I will post it some time in the future, if I am able. And even though my mom has long since accepted my homosexuality, it was nice to read it to her, and we cried together (in a good way).

In the middle of all this, two high council members arrived, both who I know very well. They were both in my bishopric years ago when I attended a singles’ ward. It was nice to be handed the letter by two good friends who have known and loved me for some time. At the same time, I could tell that delivering such a letter was not on their list of fun things to do. But it is good to know that they will be on my council along with other men I know and respect and love. I’m glad I don’t have to do this in front of a bunch of strangers.
The letter says,

“Dear Brother [Cody],

“The Stake Presidency is considering formal disciplinary action in your behalf, including the possibility of disfellowshipment or excommunication, because you are reported to have participated in conduct unbecoming a member of the Church.

“We have scheduled the High Council Disciplinary Council for Sunday, June 14, 2009, at 6:40 a.m. in the High Council Room at the _________ Stake Center….

“You are invited to attend this Disciplinary Council to give your response, and if you wish, to provide witnesses or other evidence in your behalf.

“Please let me know if it is your intention to participate in the council proceedings. Should you have questions regarding this Council action don’t hesitate to contact me at __________.

Sincerely,

[My Stake President]”

It’s so surreal. Had you told me ten years ago I would receive a letter like this, I would not have believed it. This is where I am, though, and in a way, I feel it’s where I need to be.

As I’ve told family members and a few close friends about this, I have received much support and love, for which I have been grateful. This was a letter I wrote to them:

“Just a note to let you all know that my disciplinary council will be on June 14, in a little more than two weeks. [My stake president] called me personally this evening, and we had a really nice conversation. He told me what to expect and also told me he wants me to bear my testimony along with anything else I might want to say because he has felt a strong spirit when I have done so with him and wants the others to feel it, too. He also conveyed his love, and I did the same. He really is a good man and a good friend. I know this is hard for both of us, and I also know this will be hard for you as well. I've said all along during this journey that I never wanted to hurt anyone, and I hope this news will not pain you too much.

“I do not know for sure (nor does [the stake president) that I will be excommunicated, although it seems likely. I am aware that my choices have brought me to this place, and while I am not looking forward to the prospect of losing my membership in the Church, I still maintain that my life with [Jonah] has brought me so much joy and happiness, and I do not regret choosing to be with him. I love him with all of my heart, and he has made me a better person for it. Throughout this journey, I have also felt so much love, understanding, compassion, and mercy from Heavenly Father. I know He knows my heart. I imagine this message will cause pain and concern for my eternal well-being, and that is understandable, but I have felt Heavenly Father's love so much, and I have felt Him tell my spirit that things will be okay, whatever the outcome. Please know that I love all of you so much, and I love this church and all it has given me a great deal. I have been so thankful for your love and support. I know that perhaps my reasons for doing what I have done do not make sense in the eternal scheme of things, but I feel I need to be where I am right now even if that merits my excommunication.

“All I ask of you, my dear family [and friends], is that your thoughts and prayers will be with me. I do not wish to be excommunicated, but if that is what is meant to be, I am prepared to face that. I just ask that whatever the outcome, I will feel peaceful about it. That's what I ask you to pray for on my behalf.

“Thank you. I love you all.

“[Cody]”

My sister wrote:

“Thank you for this. We all knew that it was coming. I think it's a lousy birthday present on my part. [I told her the day after her birthday.]

“Love you. And I do understand the sacrifices. I really do. You and I have never shared in the glory of God's kind. You can still attend Church as an excommunicated member, can't you? You haven't taken the Sacrament for so very long. I am bothered that they may excommunicate a strong member like you who has one flaw - though it be a large one - still you are a better example of Christ than those who's pride swells so loud that there's little or no breathing room for the people close at hand. We all need to learn - and excommunication (even if it were possible) would not help those prideful people.

“And the possibility of excommunication will come only because you are active. Thousands of inactive names continue to be on the rolls because of inactivity - and some of them have sins so great - they probably wouldn't even understand what removing their names would mean - though I think the Church would benefit a lot more to remove the inactive from the roles. But excommunication (I once heard) is done out of LOVE - pretty ironic, huh?

“[Your sister]”

This one from a good friend who was also excommunicated:

“Dear [Cody],

“Thanks for your email. I have been thinking about you and wondered what your status was. I will continue to pray for you during this time. I know both the enormous strain and the incredible calm that can come from this process. If you need to talk about anything or even want advice, please give me a call. I will talk any time you need to. I know that the men on your council will feel your spirit and they will do what is right for you. I pray that you will be able to touch them and help them feel compassion for gay men in the church. I have long felt that a different approach from the church is needed. (And also better times for the meetings--6:30??)

“Anyway, I love you and I KNOW you are doing the right thing.

“Love,
“[Your friend]”

A dear neighbor, who lives across the street and who has known me since I was born, wrote:

“Oh! [Cody]!
“My heart did a stutter step when I read your most recent post. I guess we are all through waiting for the ‘shoe to drop.’ I hope there is still a miracle out there, but no matter what happens I think in the eternal plan you are and will be alright. Even the Church can only work on its current level of knowledge (and that has certainly moderated over the last 25 years.) It is also true as we have discussed before that any organization has every right to do whatever ‘boundary maintenance’ it thinks it needs to do, but nobody or nothing can excommunicate us from God except God Himself, and I just can't imagine that is in the cards for you. I hope you are offered the opportunity to bear your testimony and I hope you take it. You have more bravely ‘stood as a witness’ and a defender of the faith in more difficult circumstances than virtually anyone else I know.

“I think you will still have the Spirit to guide you in the years ahead and I hope you continue to seek and follow it. Dear [Cody], you are and will forever be my dear friend.

“I don't know if the following offer would even be desired, but if you would like, I will wait outside to be there when you come out. I would be honored to do so. I want to stand with you in any way I can. This is doubly so if your mother would like me to wait with her.
“With love in Christ--
“[Your friend]”

My brother-in-law sent a long email from which I will post some highlights:

“Hi [Cody], I don't have any kind of advice for you, just an observation.
“It seems that we all come from our heavenly father with a set of challenges to deal with while we are here on Earth.
“I look at this journey in life as being on a long train where the last stop is the gate of Celestial Glory. A train that never strays from its track and always on a forward course, never going back, just forward, following the great circle of life. If you missed the train, there will always be another stop up ahead, but it was up to you to get to the next station. I have seen people getting on and off this train all the time.
“I have noticed that you are on the same train. There will be stops that will be good, some bad ,some stops that will haunt you... Whatever happens, whatever you decide, the conductor always welcomes passengers.”

This afternoon, my brother and sister-in-law and their kids came over, and we talked about it. I told them about my amazing day at church and expressed my belief that excommunication is an act of a loving Father and not a punishment, as many people see it.

We had a good talk, and my family members expressed their love and support. It was clear there is concern and pain as well, but I feel good about where I am in the journey. I feel prepared to face whatever is next, and feel very sure that God is preparing me to do.

Good Quotes

If any of you have read my blog from the beginning, you'll know that I took yoga as part of my garduate program and didn't enjoy it very much. So it's odd to me that I'm taking yoga again, and I guess I'm more open to it now. It's still not my favorite thing, but I am enjoying it more than I did in school (even though my college yoga teacher was amazing at it).

Anyway, this quote was give to us in yoga recently, and I really liked it:

"Give all you have, all you are; nothing more is demanded of you, but also nothing less." - Author Unknown

My yoga teacher also gave us another one this morning that I really liked:

"We're all perfect...but there is always room for improvement." - She did not say who the author of this one was.

Thanks to all who have left comments of support in regards to my previous post. They are greatly appreciated.

Disciplinary Council

I still have so many other things I wish to blog about, but I've been so busy with rehearsals for my current show. Hopefully, I'll get to it when things have calmed down sufficiently.

Just a note to let you all know that my disciplinary council will be on June 14, in a little more than two weeks. My stake president called me personally this evening, and we had a really nice conversation. He told me what to expect and also told me he wants me to bear my testimony along with anything else I might want to say because he has felt a strong spirit when I have done so with him and wants the others to feel it, too. He also conveyed his love, and I did the same. He really is a good man and a good friend. I know this is hard for both of us.

The council will be at 6:30 AM, although I could have negotiated a different time and day had I wanted to. (I have two shows later that day, too. It's gonna be a long day!) My feeling, though, is that I just want to face whatever will happen as soon as possible. The waiting is hard. Besides, the next day I'm off to see Jonah, and it just felt appropriate that we share whatever the outcome will be together.

I do not know for sure (nor does my stake president) that I will be excommunicated, although it seems likely.

All I ask of you, my fellow bloggers, is that your thoughts and prayers will be with me. I do not wish to be excommunicated, but if that is what is meant to be, I am prepared to face that. I just ask that whatever the outcome, I will feel peaceful about it. That's what I ask you to pray for on my behalf.

Thank you for your past and continual support during my journey. It is greatly appreciated.

Waiting

Here is the quote my Stake President shared with me that I referred to in this post. Reuben J. Clark said in the 1953 October General Conference, "I believe that in his justice and mercy [God] will give us the maximum reward for our acts, give us all that he can give, and in the reverse, I believe that he will impose upon us the minimum penalty which it is possible for him to impose."

This reminds me, too, of a quote by Dallin H. Oaks that I referred to in a post a little more than three years ago where he said, "The telestial kingdom…seems to me to be a precise description of the world’s concept of hell. The terrestrial kingdom seems to me to be a precise description of the world’s concept of heaven. The good people of the world will not be disappointed by the terrestrial kingdom. The bad people of the world will be utterly astonished to do as well as the telestial kingdom, for despite all of its relative drawbacks, it is a kingdom of glory reserved by a Father in Heaven who loves his children and saves all the works of his hands."

These two quotes give me a lot of comfort. I had another meeting with my Stake President on Sunday in which he asked me how things were going and also told me that as he has thought and prayed and struggled about how to proceed, he has felt prompted that some action does have to be taken. As we both talked, I felt that we both knew that a church court at a stake level will be necessary. He said he wanted to confer with his counselors once more and would get back to me regarding just when this might happen. I do expect it will be relatively soon, and although he said the outcome will not necessarily be excommunication, my heart tells me it likely will be. As I've said many times in my blog, I do not wish to lose my membership in this church, but I am fully aware that I have done things that may very well merit that, and I also believe that excommunication is not a punishment, but rather a way that a loving Father protects his children as well as the church itself. I am feeling a bit of trepidation, but I am not, necessarily, afraid. I feel much peace and love in my heart. As I told my Stake President, in spite of the fact that I still have a testimony of the LDS Church, I feel that how I'm living my life is what I need to be doing right now. He seemed to understand. Certainly this will be hard on many people. Hard on me. Hard on my family. Hard on my leaders. Hard on some of my friends and ward members. I know this. As my Stake President said, "If we didn't care about each other so much, it wouldn't be hard."

I do believe that my life with Jonah is what I need to be happy right now. Living my life as an openly gay man and finding this wonderful man to share my life with have been incredibly liberating and joyful experiences. I know some people out there will think I've chosen my love for Jonah over my love for God. I simply do not believe this to be true. Love is from God, and I have felt Him bless my life with so much love and happiness since I met and fell in love with Jonah. In many ways I have drawn closer to God and even my religion since these events occurred. I do not have all the answers. I don't claim to be right or wrong about anything. I just know I'm happy, and even if excommunication is a result of certain decisions I've made, I know God loves me and knows my heart, and I feel that I will be judged by Him (the only one who truly can judge me) accordingly.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been busy with rehearsals for another show. I'd actually like to post about that as well if I can find the time. I'm finding myself in a very peculiar (and sometimes uncomfortable) position of being in a show that's been somewhat of a challenge, especially in this particular juncture in my life. Hopefully I can talk more about it later.