Feeling The Spirit Of Love

This evening I participated in a benefit concert at Club Jam in Salt Lake City to raise money for Dane Hall's medical bills. I wrote about Dane in a recent post. Last I heard we had raised $5,799, which was beyond our expectations. I also know at least $7,000 has been donated through other venues, and I know of at least three other fundraisers that are being done to help Dane, so maybe he'll end up with at least $15,000. That's still less than half of what he currently needs (and I assume his medical bills will continue to accumulate), but it's a start.

It was truly a great experience to be involved in tonight's fundraiser. So many people volunteered their time, talents, material goods, and money to help a poor kid that has been put into a bad situation by some bad people. There was a raffle, a silent auction, and, of course, the concert. It is so heart-warming to see so many people coming together for a common cause to help a guy that most of them (myself included) don't even know. That is truly the spirit of love, and I think that is what we are here on this planet for.

Some numbers were serious, some were funny; all were performed well. A friend of mine started with a medley of "Always" / "How Deep is the Ocean?" (one of my favorite songs) / and "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." It was beautiful.

Another friend sang a really "kick-ass" rendition of "Come to Your Senses" from the Jonathan Larson musical Tick, Tick...Boom. A guy I didn't know sang "What a Wonderful World." Another friend sang a powerful version of a song I was unfamiliar with, "Perfect." I really liked it. I think it was written for the musical, High Fidelity, but was cut.

A friend wrote an original song he wrote called "I Will Follow You Down" (I think), two more friends sang "If Mama Were Married" from Gypsy, another friend and a guy I didn't know sang "In Whatever Time We Have" from Children of Eden, and a good friend sang "My Man" from Funny Girl.

There were some funny songs like "Lesbian Love Story" from The Wild Party, "Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Bride" from I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change, "I'm a Catholic" from Altar Boyz, and a parody version of "Superfreak" from Salt Lake Acting Company's production of Saturday's Voyeur.

One woman who sounded like Billie Holiday did an absolutely rock-solid version of "God Bless the Child." She was phenomenal! Two of my friends sang a touching rendition of "For Good" from Wicked, which made me cry for many reasons, and cast members from Pioneer Theatre Company's recent production of Rent sang "Seasons of Love," which we all joined in singing, and I felt the love in the room so strongly.

My friend emceed the evening, and he was both funny and poignant.

I felt such love this evening, and I really felt the Spirit. It reminded me of a similar time when I participated in a benefit concert 12 years ago to promote AIDS awareness. At the time, I was very much in the closet and had even quite recently been in a serious relationship with a woman. What struck me about that particular concert was very similar to what I felt this evening: that I could feel so much love in the room and how close I felt to the Spirit.

I remember finding it interesting at the concert 12 years ago that I felt such a great spirit among a high majority of gay people who are often persecuted by people for so-called Christian reason, and I remembering feeling more of a spirit of Christianity in that room than I sometimes felt I experienced from church or religion, where Christianity supposedly resides.

At the time, I wrote, "...I wondered, if some of those narrow-minded people [who condemn homosexuality] could have attended [this] concert and felt that love, would they change their attitudes? I mean, gay people are just like anybody else: they love; they hurt; some are nicer than others; some are more Christian than others (not to mention more Christian than some people who profess to be more Christian than them); and some are doing the very best they can.

"And I thought, would some of the members of my own church...be comfortable at this concert with all these gay people. And sadly, I realized the answer was no. ...it really made me think about what I stand for and what my church stands for and what other members of my church stand for and what we all profess to be [vs.] what we really are."

That concert 12 years ago truly remains one of the highlights of my life. It is one of the times in my life when I have felt the Spirit of God very strongly. I felt that same feeling this evening, although not to the same extent. I'm glad to see that some things have changed. For example, I know more members of my church now that would not have been uncomfortable in that environment than I did 12 years ago.

Or perhaps it is I who have changed. I was more judgmental towards other gay people then than I am now (probably because I was trying so hard to fight it within myself). I remember that concert 12 years ago was a great lesson to me about the goodness of people, especially of people that others sometimes judge to be wicked or sinful.

I think the reason events like these cause me to feel God's spirit so strongly is because there is so much love, caring, and unselfishness in abundance, and isn't that what Christ's message is all about? Love is the key to life. Caring for our fellow man is the key to life. Loving others as God loves us is the key to life, and when we do that, we draw closer to God because we are becoming more like Him.

I hope that, in spite of the bad things people do to one another, that people will never lose faith in the goodness of humanity. Yes, there are people among us who do terrible, terrible things, but there is so much goodness out there, too. There are so many good souls. I hope we never lose track of that.

Anne Frank, who had all the reason to lose faith in humanity, once wrote, ‎"In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can't build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery and death."

It is my fondest hope and dream that I am a force for good in this world. I hope we can all be that. I am an imperfect person with many faults. I can be selfish, lazy, and critical, but I pray that my life will touch others for good rather than bad; that I will lift others rather than tear them down; that my influence will make the lives of the people around me better rather than worse; that others' lives are richer for my being in them rather than worse. I am only one guy...a guy who makes a lot of mistakes...and I have no idea what influence I have on others, for either good or bad, but I sincerely hope when all is said and done that I will have left a mark of goodness and love on the world rather than something negative. I do not know if I am doing that, but I am trying to, and I am hoping I am.

Adventures In Flying And Other Stuff

So last week I flew home to visit my husband (isn't that sad? - I visit my husband. Since we have been married, we have actually spent more time apart than together because of our jobs.)

I got to the airport an hour before my flight, which is pretty typical of me. I parked my car in the economy lot, and the driver of the shuttle was kind enough to wait as I ran to catch the shuttle. I was surprised that the airport was so busy. It usually isn't (at least when I fly). There was quite a line at security, and I worried a bit because it was moving quite slowly.

One of the reasons the airport was so busy that morning was that there was a huge crop of LDS missionaries heading out on their missions to who knows how many different destinations. As I looked at them, I thought, "My gosh! They're so young! They're just babies - practically fetuses." My next thought was "Was I really that young when I went?" Yes, I was.



I watched these missionaries and saw their expressions of excitement, enthusiasm, fear, confusion, anxiousness, naivety, and determination and remembered well feeling all of those feelings myself when I took off for a strange land 19 years ago.

I loved my mission. I really did. I thought of all the cool places these young men and women must be going to and secretly wished for them that their missions would be as good of an experience for them as mine was for me. I also wanted to tell each one of them to remember that it's about people, not about numbers, and that even if you don't bring someone into the church, you can't consider that a failure. If you're bringing people closer to God or Christ or love or making their lives better in some small way, I consider that a great success.

I had many successes on my own mission, and that didn't necessarily mean baptisms. While I did have some, I only know of one, for sure, who has remained active and strong in the church. The others may have, too, but I have lost track of them. I know one, for sure, who went inactive (he was my first baptism, and actually went inactive before my mission even ended). Although, who knows where he is today.

But I have friendships from my mission that still endure. I have two very good friends who never joined the LDS Church and are pretty much agnostic, but they are two of the best people I know, and I am grateful they are still a part of my life. I have one friend who left the church, but our friendship has remained strong. I have many friends who are still active (who were members when I was a missionary) who I still keep in touch with. I think of other people I met on my mission who touched my life and people whose lives I believe I touched for the better. I am grateful.

I caught my flight, and it left on time. I asked a man if the window seat next to him was taken. He responded, "No," and then continued with, "We love Jessica. we feel very lucky to have her in our law firm, and it's a good thing that Bill Johnson doesn't know how to run a law firm or we never would have gotten her." I was momentarily confused because it seemed he was talking to me. I then assumed we was talking on a bluetooth phone or something, but he wasn't. But he just kept prattling on, and finally I realized he was having a conversation with a woman across the aisle. He later fell asleep and woke up with a start and asked me if the flight attendant had brought coffee by yet. He was very relieved when I said she hadn't.

I love flying. Jonah's not a fan. It scares him. But I love it! I always sit next to the window because I love watching the world get smaller as we rise higher and seeing things from a different perspective. I'm also continually amazed by the miracle of flight itself; that this huge 60-or-so ton behemoth of metal can actually go fast enough to become airborne. It's amazing to me.



I actually didn't look out the window much on this trip because I was busy with my Soduko puzzle (which was supposedly easy, but I managed to screw up royally), and I actually regretted not giving more time to the appreciation of flight like I normally do.

My least favorite part of flight is landing. Taking off I love, but that moment of anticipation when you haven't landed yet, but you're about to hit the pavement always makes me anxious. It's not that I'm afraid of crashing or anything; I rarely even think or worry about that. I'm just always concerned that the landing will be rougher than I am prepared for, and I never know until it actually happens. This pilot's landing was very smooth.

My trip home was way too short. We just had our floors recarpeted, and Jonah needed help moving stuff, which we just didn't have time to fully do. Jonah also had me put some puzzles together for him for a craft project he was doing, and that was fun because I enjoy puzzles. They were 3-D puzzles, though, and were a bit more challenging. Still, they turned out well.

Jonah and I also had opportunities to be intimate, which I have greatly missed. I told him we didn't have to if he was afraid of contracting scabies (read two posts earlier), but, happily, he risked it.

It was also so nice to see our three cats, particularly the one who is most attached to me and ran immediately into my arms when I came home and slept by my side the two nights I was home.

I also had a chance to go to a favorite eatery which is not available in Utah. they have the best sandwiches. That was nice. It was just nice to spend time with Jonah. Happily, my job ends soon, and I will be home for at least a month and a half, depending on if I get a part in a show I am auditioning for soon. It will be nice to be home for a bit, and Jonah and I will be going to Gay Days at Disneyland with two of my college friends, so we're looking forward to that.

My flight home was good. The airport was not busy at all (unlike Salt Lake had been), and there was barely a line at security (although please tell me WHY the lady in front of us waited until she was at the security desk to get out her ID. You know you're going to have to show your boarding pass and ID. Why not get them out before you even get in line instead of hemming and hawing and fishing for it while the seven of us behind you wait for you to do it? Argghhh!)

As someone who flies frequently, I can tell you that I take everything out of my pants and put them in a special pocket in my carry-on (the only bag I take with me most trips) before I even get in line. I have my boarding pass and ID at the ready, and as soon as I get past the security guard that checks my ID, I whip my shoes and belt off, pull out my Ziploc bag of approved liquids, and put them and my bag in those bins, and I go through the scanner worry-free, and I'm ready to go on to my gate. These people that futz and fuss with their shoes and IDs and don't know how to pack (or what to pack) in their carry-ons give me angst. There are plenty of signs around the security area telling you what you are in for, and all the information you need to know about security procedures is online for each airport, so do some preparation, people! It will make all of our lives easier and make the line move faster.



As this one lady was fishing around for her ID, the very-in-a-hurry businessman behind me muttered something I don't care to repeat here. I did not blame him for his aggravation, but wish he had picked a different phrase to express it. When one of the security guards tried to lighten the mood by saying, "It doesn't matter what line you pick, it always seems to be the wrong one, huh?" the businessman gave a sneering look at the woman holding up the line and said, "Yeah, but this one seems to have a stop light!"

Anyway, once I got through security, I had plenty of time before my flight left (again on time). This time I did gaze out the window as I watched in wonder the shrinking city beneath us.

Flying always makes me appreciate how small and insignificant we seem from a distance and how God is able to keep track of each one of us and knows each one of our hearts and souls and problems and needs intimately. It astounds me. I love seeing the world in a completely different way, too. Flying somehow makes me feel closer to God.

We hit some very minor turbulence on the way home, and I chuckled as a woman screamed, startled by a slight bump (well, it was slight to me; obviously she didn't feel the same way).

I was also quite pleased that in addition to my complimentary drink (orange juice), I was able to get two additional refills. That, my friends, is the miracle of flight right there.

Another smooth landing, and I was back home. I caught the parking shuttle right away, and it was a nice warm day. I found my car safe and sound and headed to my mom's house and did a show later that night.

My niece and future nephew-in-law will be moving into my mom's house after they get married a month from now, and I am giving up the room I stay in when I am here as well as another room I use for storage. This is in an effort to give the newlyweds a bit more privacy. When I come to Utah for work, I will now stay in my sister's old room upstairs near my mom's room.

It's hard for me to give up my current room. It's more private, it's cool in the summer and warm in the winter, and it's dark, which I quite like. But I am giving it up voluntarily. I think it's important for a newlywed couple to have a space they can consider their own, especially when they are living with other people at the beginning of their marriage.

I'm really happy they are moving in. Mom's memory is not as good, and especially now that I am going back home to Jonah, it will be nice for her to have people here to help her out and keep her company. It puts my mind more at ease. It's hard for Mom when she's here by herself, and I am glad my niece and future nephew-in-law will be here. Plus, my future nephew-in-law is quite a "Mister Fix-It," which I am not, so that will be nice to have somebody be able to repair and maintain things, which I do not excel at.

In an effort to create more space, we cleaned my mom's basement storage and laundry room, which have needed it for years. Mom wasn't initially wild about everyone going through her things, and it took some initiative to get her to get rid of stuff she's been hanging on to that she never uses (now, you can see where I got my "hoarder" gene), but my niece, future nephew-in-law, mom, and I did a lot of work, and the basement looks so much cleaner and more organized. I amazed what we were able to get Mom to part with, and am equally amazed at what she refuses to get rid of (for example, a manual typewriter with a bad ribbon that she claims she uses for taxes (even though I happen to know Mom hasn't used that typewriter in 15 or 20 years, not to mention the fact that her accountant does her taxes for her) and easily 200 Styrofoam frozen yogurt cups that Mom claims we need for camping (even though we haven't been camping in 25 years and which I know she'll never use)). Oh, well. You pick your battles. She did get rid of a lot of junk, and we have a lot more space now, so it still worked out well.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to going back home to Jonah soon. I've enjoyed my show, but am very ready to close it. I sense that Jonah is kind of done with my being away so much, and I admit that I am kind of done with it, too. I'm not sure what the solution is, but at least I have some time with my husband soon, and we need it.

Help If You Can

I was planning on writing about my adventures flying as I visited Jonah at our home this week. However, that will have to wait. This is more important.

You may or may not be aware that a gay man was attacked and beaten outside of a gay club in Salt Lake City recently. His name is Dane Hall, and the attack was pretty serious. You can read about it here, here, and here.





He now has some very expensive medical bills to deal with. If you can help him out at all, please go to any Zions Bank branch and make a deposit to the "Dane Hall Fund": 1) In person at a local Zions Bank Branch; 2) Via snail mail: Dane Hall Fund c/o Zions Bank, 701 E 400 S, Salt Lake City, UT, 84102; 3) Online through your own bank's Bill Pay Service. Online check, pay to Zions Bank in the name of "Dane Hall Fund." I don't know the guy at all, but no one deserves this. It disheartens me to know that hate is alive and well and taking its toll on the innocent.

Help if you can.

Just When The Cankers Are Disappearing...Scabies!!!

No, I don't have scabies (at least, I don't think I do. More on that in a moment).

So I'm feeling much, much better than I was since my last post. This has been a rough week. Monday through Thursday were days of nearly impossible swallowing and congestion. When I did my show on Wednesday, I was so congested, I felt like I was performing in a bubble. Plus, swallowing was still painful. I felt very detached from the show.

Lidocaine became my new best friend. I had to gargle a mix of lidocaine and Maalox (which, frankly, has the consistency of snot, so, yeah, that was gross). But it did deaden the pain at least for an hour or two, so that was great.

The canker at the top of my tonsil has almost completely disappeared. The one behind my tongue seems to be disappearing, too. Yesterday was my first lidocaine-free day since Monday. It's still a bit uncomfortable to swallow, but not painful. I'm hoping by tomorrow or Tuesday the canker sore will be but a distant memory.

Besides, the cankers having shrunk, I'm just feeling much better than I've felt in a while, so that's great.

Oh, and by the way, I got my blood tested to see why I have been feeling ill these past two weeks. I've had shots and blood taken many times in my life and never had a problem with it. Usually, it's just a small prick, and then you're done. This particular nurse plunged that needle into my arm, then rooted around a while until she could find a vein. It certainly was not the most gentle injection I've ever had.

This, boys and girls, is the result of someone who is not very good at taking blood:





Now we have a scabies scare at work. If you are not familiar with this not-so-lovely condition, you can read about it here. Before I go into more detail, you should know that "scabies" is actually one of my favorite words and certainly my favorite disease/affliction-related word. When someone complains of any ailment, no matter what it is, it is not uncommon for me to jokingly respond, "I bet it's scabies." For example, "My knee hurts." "I bet it's scabies." Or the simpler version: "Boy, my nose is really runny today." "Scabies."

No joke, last year several members of the cast of the show I was in (many of whom are in my current show) entertained ourselves by substituting the word "baby" in common songs with "scabies." Among some of our classic pieces were "You Must Have Had Some Beautiful Scabies," "Scabie Love," "Scabie Face," "Hit Me, Scabies, One More Time," and my personal favorite, "Scary Scabies" (sung to the tune of The Four Seasons' "Sherry Baby").

It turns out that scabies is not nearly as funny when someone you actually know has it. Two days ago one of our cast members was diagnosed with it and announced this fun fact as a precaution to us that we may be infected as well. Scabies is highly contagious, and we have spent quite a run (including rehearsal) with this particular castmate, so it is possible any one of us (or all of us) might have it.

Unfortunately, it's very difficult to detect if you have scabies until you start showing symptoms. Scabies are little mites that burrow into your skin and lay eggs. Once those eggs hatch, the newly-born mites travel around under your skin, leaving rash-like track marks and uncontrollabe itching. It's not at all fun to have (although it's still fun to say).

If your skin is exposed to an infected person's skin, especially for a prolonged period of time, the mites can travel from their body to yours. You can also get it from sharing the same clothes or bed or furniture or, really, anything the infected person has touched. If you are infected, symptoms often don't appear for 4-6 weeks.

Our cast member got it from a roommate who went overseas on vacation and apparently picked it up in Asia. Our castmate, obviously, shares much of the same living space with this individual. The good news is her two other roommates, who also share the space, do not have it.

Our castmate also has been told she's probably been infected for about six or seven weeks now, so if we were infected, too, we would probably be showing signs already (but not necessarily). I also don't have a lot of physical contact, either onstage or off, with this person, so I'm hoping I'm safe. But you never know, and when you work with a tight-knit group of people who are sharing and touching a lot of the same things, there is a risk.

Naturally, we're all a bit skittish. We figure if we have it, it's too late anyway, and we'll just have to be treated once we actually start showing symptoms. We mostly deal with it by trying to have the same sense of humor we had when it was just a silly name and not an actual threat.

Watching how bad the itching is for my friend and fellow castmate (who we are now treating like a friendly leper) is hard, and even harder when we know it could just as easily be our own fate.

I still think scabies is a funny word, but I do wonder how funny it will be should I actually have contracted it. I guess we'll see. Hopefully, I will never know.

Jonah, who I'm visiting for a few days, is naturally concerned as well because he sure doesn't want it. I don't know what to do about it, though. If I have it, I already have it. Let's just hope I don't.

It's interesting how many people in the cast are experiencing psychosomatic itching. I haven't experienced that myself, but the few itches I do have make me think twice.

Funny Scabies:



Not-So-Funny Scabies:



Please, Lord, don't let me have scabies!

And Now For Something Gross

So I have been feeling under the weather the last couple of weeks off and on. One day I'll feel fine, and then the next day I'll feel terrible, and then just when I feel I'm rebounding, the cycle starts over again.

My symptoms have primarily consisted of joint aches (the kind one gets when they have the flu) and general fatigue. Sometimes, however, there has also been congestion and fever.

On Friday a new element appeared. It hurt to swallow, and gave me a painful sensation seemingly deep inside my ear that felt like an ear infection. I finally decided to have myself checked out by a doctor.

So he looks in my ear and doesn't see anything. Next he examines my throat and says, "Whoa, you've got a giant canker sore on your tonsil.

I am surprised that I even have a tonsil since I got mine out when I was eleven, but lo and behold, my tonsils have grown back (at least partially), which apparently is not as uncommon as I believed it was. I have no idea how long I have actually had my newly-discovered tonsils, but I assume they have been there a while.

Anyway, the doctor said that, really, the best thing to do was to let the canker run its course. Anyway, today my throat felt even worse (I couldn't even sleep last night because it hurt to swallow), so I went to another doctor for a second opinion. Lo and behold, I actually have a second canker growing on my tonsil behind my tongue. I was also running a 100 degree fever. Anyway, I've been tested for a couple of viruses and should get the results soon. In the meantime, my doctor prescribed me some antibiotics (in case it isn't a virus) and gave me some lidocaine which I gargle with some Maalox, and that does ease the pain somewhat.

In any case, I would not wish these two canker sores on my worst enemy. It has really been quite painful. Eating yogurt today was a feat! In fact, I haven't eaten much today because it hurts so much. One website said, "One of the most painful types of canker sores you get is a canker sore in the tonsil," and I am finding that to be true.

Fortunately, I tested negative for strep throat and, happily, these sores have not affected my ability to sing and act, which of course, is very important for my job. But I have felt pretty crappy all week and today, in particular.

Anyway, here's some photos of one of my canker sores (the other, more painful, one is behind my tongue and was too hard to photograph. Both cankers are about the same size (slightly smaller than a dime), and they suck!

That white spot down right of my uvula is canker #1. Canker # 2 is below right of it, behind my tongue, but proved too difficult to photograph.



Here is a closeup of canker #1 (I think these two cankers are the largest I have ever had in my life):



Another closeup of canker #1 (the white mass down right of my uvula):



TMI? Probably.

The Trio of Benoit, Ray, And Cody: Mission Friendships That Have Endured

I've written about Benoit before. He was a guy I taught on my mission, and you can read much about him in that post.

On Facebook the other day, my old missionary companion (let's call him Ray) wrote that he had visited our dear friend, Benoit recently and said the following:

I just returned from visiting [the city in which we served] (I'm still a bit jet lagged). I was their for 10 days and had a lovely time. I hope you will smile to know that your missionary efforts of 18 years ago continue to bring about good.-- I stayed with [Benoit], his wife, and their two boys (ages 9 and 5). -- What a beautiful family! --- [Benoit's] mother (who if you remember said she would disown [Benoit] if he joined the Mormon church) was baptized earlier this year. [Benoit] now serves as the bishop of the...ward.

My goodness, that warmed my heart! To see this man get baptized, serve a mission, get married in the temple, have a family, and now serve as a bishop (and I would bet millions he's a great one) in the ward we served in when we taught him just makes me weep with joy. I thank my Father in Heaven that I was privileged enough to be involved in Benoit's initial conversion and to see how far he's come since then. It really fills me with gratitude. I am honored that God allowed me to be one of the missionaries who was there when His Holy Spirit helped Benoit gain a testimony.

I wrote Benoit on Facebook:

[Ray] said he saw you, and that you are the bishop in [the city where we served] now. He also said that you and your family are well. I am so happy that you are still strong in the gospel. I miss you a lot, my friend.

All my love,

[Cody]

Benoit replied:

I miss you, too, my eternal friend. I am thankful that you and [Ray] saved my life. I would love so much to see you again one day, but at the moment it isn't possible for us to come to Utah. I would love to present to you my family so that you can know them. God bless you, my friend. Lots of love.

[Benoit]

I'd like to remind Benoit that it wasn't Ray and I that saved his life, but his loving and watchful Heavenly Father. I'm so glad that life has given Benoit everything I always thought he deserved. Yea!

Ray's brother is gay, and Ray wrote me (in the same note):

One day I want to understand your situation better (if you are willing to share). I suppose it is too complex a discussion for facebook, so perhaps we will save it for a time we get to catch-up in person. My intent is not one of simple "curiosity"-- but truly to better understand.

I shared with him some thoughts (many of which I've written in this blog). Ray then wrote:

...a theme I have picked-up on over the past several years of General Conference [is] what we do is certainly important; but more important is what we become.-- Or said in another way: we are wise to monitor how our thoughts and actions shape how charitably we feel towards others, because in the end (as the scriptures teach) we will be judge by our hearts and how charitable we have become.-- I lack the ability to put myself in your shoes, and know how you feel-- but it is impressive that you continue to focus on being kind, and loving (as Christ would be), even toward people who fail to see that their own sins of pride & selfishness are a weightier matter to God than the gender to which a man or woman feels attracted.---- Well we both have 50 more years on this planet-- during which we will have the opportunity to discuss this issue further. Until then my good friend...

Love,

Ray

I replied:

Thanks for your thoughts, [Ray]. I agree with what you've said. As for me, I'm just trying to live the best life I can and take comfort that my Father is my ultimate judge. I just hope I am doing Him proud.

Love ya lots,

[Cody]

to which he replied:

Your comment made me smile really big. -- I happen to love the writings of C.S. Lewis. A great quote from his book Mere Christianity says this:

"Some of us who seem quite nice people may, in fact, have made so little use of a good heredity and a good upbringing that we are really worse than those whom we regard as fiends. Can we be quite certain how we should have behaved if we had been saddled with the psychological outfit, and then with the bad upbringing, and then with the power, say, of Himmler? That is why Christians are told not to judge. We see only the results which a man's choices make out of his raw material. But God does not judge him on the raw material at all, but on what he has done with it. Most of the man's psychological makeup is probably due to his body: when his body dies all that will fall off him, and the real central man, the thing that chose, that made the best or the worst out of this material, will stand naked. All sorts of nice things which we thought our own, but which were really due to a good digestion, will fall off some of us : all sorts of nasty things which were due to complexes or bad health will fall off others. We shall then, for the first time, see every one as he really was. There will be surprises. -- Mere Christianity by C. S. Lewis"
END OF QUOTE

Lewis wasn't speaking directly to the homosexual issue-- so you will forgive such terms as 'fiend'.-- I love how he points out that we all start with different "raw material"-- and God is more interested in seeing our efforts to turn our raw material into something acceptable to Him-- and less interested in what our raw material has actually become.--- In short-- He wants to see us each do the best that we can, with what we have been given.-- As Christians we should not think that each of our 'best efforts' will look the same from a surface glace.-- Lewis doesn't speak from the light of the restored gospel-- so he is not accurate in his understanding of our body not being a factor n the final judgment-- but I believe his principle is correct.

And I said:

I believe his principle is correct, too. I really like that book. Lots of good stuff in it. Thanks for sharing it.

I like C.S Lewis. He was a good man. So are Ray and Benoit.

Members Of The Body, All Important

The other day in church our instructor in Sunday School was talking about how all of us are needed. It's like the scriptures say,

For the body is not one member, but many.

If the foot shall say, Because I am not the hand, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of the body?

And if the ear shall say, Because I am not the eye, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of the body?

If the whole body were an eye, where were the hearing? If the whole were hearing, where were the smelling?

But now hath God set the members every one of them in the body, as it hath pleased him.

And if they were all one member, where were the body?

But now are they many members, yet but one body.

And the eye cannot say unto the hand, I have no need of thee: nor again the head to the feet, I have no need of you.

Nay, much more those members of the body, which seem to be more feeble, are necessary:

And those members of the body, which we think to be less honourable, upon these we bestow more abundant honour; and our uncomely parts have more abundant comeliness.

For our comely parts have no need: but God hath tempered the body together, having given more abundant honour to that part which lacked:

That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another.

And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honoured, all the members rejoice with it.

(1 Corinthians 12: 14-26)

Sometimes when one goes to church, they may feel like they don't belong or they may feel misunderstood or shunned or feel like they aren't contributing.

Heck, as an excommunicated member of the LDS Church, I could choose to feel this way. But we are all important. We are all needed. The pinky toe is just as vital a member as the heart. The appendix is just as valid as the brain. The gall bladder is just as much a creation of the body as the mouth is. We are all here for a reason. God made the body the way he did for a reason, and likewise, he made each of us as members of the human family or ward family the way he did for a reason. We all have different contributions to make, different strengths and talents, and we are all here for an important reason.

I like that.

Pure Love

As I'm sure some of you are aware, Chieko Okazaki, who served as first counselor in the Relief Society from 1990-1997, passed away about a week ago. Sister Okazaki served in that position when I served as a missionary from 1992-1994. I loved her speaking style and her manner and found her very refreshing and open-minded. My mom sent me her book, Lighten Up when I was one my mission, and it helped me a great deal at a time when I was beating myself up for not living up to what I felt I was supposed to living up to. I love her writing style, and really felt that Sister Okazaki's words spoke to my spirit.

I eventually read her books, Aloha, Cat's Cradle, and Disciples, all of which I enjoyed. I intend to read her other books eventually. I'm sure I will like them as well.

In the article in the Salt Lake Tribune, which memorialized her, there was a quote from Sister Okazaki. It said, "Perfect people don’t need a savior. He came to save his people in their imperfections. He is the Lord of the living and the living make mistakes. He’s not embarrassed by us, angry at us, or shocked. He wants us in our brokenness, in our unhappiness, in our guilt and our grief.”

You know I really believe that. There was a time in life when I felt so unworthy and so much that I was disappointing God or making him sad. I no longer feel that way. God knows who I am and knows my heart perfectly, just as He knows you and yours. He is not embarrassed by us. He is not angry with us. He is not surprised or shocked by anything we do. He knows we're human and subject to human frailties and weaknesses. And he planned for that. We would have no need of a Savior if we were perfect, and I believe Jesus' atonement makes up for that which we lack. I believe our Father is more loving and merciful than we can possibly comprehend. I think as humans we often attribute a lot of our own negative qualities and emotions on our Creator because that is all we understand. We sometimes see God as angry or full of shame for us or disgusted by us. We see him as stern or think that some of the things we do are so bad that He couldn't possibly love or tolerate us. Some people think God hates them. I just don't believe that is who God is. Feel free to disagree all you want; but I don't believe that's what God is about.

Granted, religions sometimes teach us to feel this way or sometimes we misinterpret doctrine and that causes us to believe it is so. I also think our relationships with our imperfect human associates on this planet paint our attitudes and beliefs about our perfect Father in Heaven. Parents might throw their kids out or turn their backs on them because of behaviors they disapprove of, so we might feel that our Heavenly Father would do the same. We might be so disgusted by a person's actions that we find it nigh impossible to forgive them, so we think our Father would react the same way. We may be angry or disappointed at someone for perpetrating an act we find intolerable or unfavorable, so we assume our Father would behave the same way.

Here's the thing: how we view God is created by the filter our mortal life has given us. Our religious upbringings; what our parents taught us; what our social interactions with other human beings have taught us; the examples we see or read about, how people treat one another, etc.: these are all things that have an effect on how we view God (or on whether we even decide there is a God at all). But ultimately, how I view God these days is based very much on all those things, but also on one more thing: how He has dealt with me personally. I very much believe in an all-loving, very merciful, very understanding God because that is what I have felt from Him personally. It is what His spirit has spoken to my heart. I can't convince anyone else of what I have felt myself, but I know I have felt it, and I very much believe it.

We talk about charity or "the pure love of Christ" a lot, and I have really been thinking a lot about this lately. When one thinks about what purity means, it is something that is unmixed with anything else. It does not contain anything extraneous. It is completely free of taint, stain, spot, or imperfection. There is no harshness or roughness. It is absolute. It is free of any weakness or pollutants. It is undiluted, undefiled, completely refined, and unadulterated. All those human frailties and biases we attach to love in its human form do not taint God's pure love for us.

When we think of how our mortal bodies handle things in complete purity, it is actually overwhelming. Pure sunlight will burn or blind us. Pure oxygen in large and steady doses would actually cause brain damage. Things in their purest form are often overwhelming to our imperfect mortal bodies. I think God's love is impossible to fully comprehend in mortality, although I think we grow to understand it in bits and pieces. But I do believe His love is more powerful, more unconditional, more far-reaching, more compassionate, more forgiving, more merciful, more understanding, and, frankly, more loving than any of us here fully realize.

I see snatches of it in my fellow human beings: the victim who forgives the person that did them wrong; the parent who still loves their child in spite of their doing some awful things; the person who, in spite of terrible circumstances, is continually able to find the good in the situation; the man or woman who will give someone the shirt off their back to help them through a tough time; the huge amounts of generosity I see from people, giving all they can to help others - often complete strangers. So many examples of love. I have to remind myself of them when I read about the terrible things people sometimes do to one another.

I think heaven will be a wonderful place, far more joyful and free of much of the impurity that taints our current existence than we can fully understand. When I've read about near-death experiences, often people will talk about how they are given the opportunity to review the life they have lived, but there is no judgment coming from God, just love. In fact, most experiences I've read about indicate that any judgment is coming from the person who has "died," not God. And many people come back from these experiences trying to describe an indescribable love that is beyond anything they've known in mortality. Many of these people are left feeling that love is the most important lesson one can learn in mortality.

I also believe how we love or judge others in this life will have an effect on where we will end up in the next. But I also believe that where we ultimately end up is where we will be happiest or most at ease, and that, to me, is proof of a very loving Heavenly Father. God doesn't consign us to a lower kingdom because He doesn't love us; it's because He knows that the purity of His love would overwhelm our impure spirits. It's because He loves us that He puts us where we will thrive and grow and progress the most.

I love and believe in my Heavenly Father. I know he loves each and every one of us with an absolute perfect knowledge of who we are and what we have been through. I truly wish I could convey that love to others. Words are not enough. A person's spirit must feel it to know it. It is my hope that those of you who don't feel it or haven't felt it, will. Because He is real and His love is real.

Death

I think I've mentioned this before, but I don't have any problems with the topic of death. Some people are bothered by it or afraid of it or afraid of talking about it, but I am not one of them. While I miss my loved ones when they pass on, I feel very confident that I will see them again.

I actually enjoy going to funerals. I may not enjoy the reason I'm going, but I love hearing people reflect on a person's life and sharing stories and experiences involving that person, and generally a funeral celebrates a person's life and brings out the very best that person had to offer in his or her life, and I like that.

I am not afraid to die. I do not feel any reason to fear. Death is just a part of life, and a temporary one at that. We're all going to die someday. Tomorrow. A month from now. A year from now. 10 years from now. 40 years from now. It's going to happen eventually. None of us can escape it or outrun it, so why spend any energy or fear trying?

Even if heaven doesn't exist (which I very much believe it does), well then, we're just gone, so why fear that, either?

I think no matter what we've done in life, the afterlife will very much be a place filled with love and knowledge and goodness. Dallin H. Oaks once said, "The good people of the world will not be disappointed by the terrestrial kingdom. The bad people of the world will be utterly astonished to do as well as the telestial kingdom, for despite all of its relative drawbacks, it is a kingdom of glory reserved by a Father in Heaven who loves his children and ‘saves all the works of his hands." I feel good about my life. I have few regrets or unfinished business. I feel like I have done my best to live a good life, and I feel confident that wherever I end up in the afterlife, I will be happy. So what is there to fear about that?

I am not uncomfortable talking about death or talking about preparations that might make death easier for those one leaves behind. The other day my mom and I were going over some paperwork her lawyer had prepared for her involving power-of-attorney issues, health directive issues, and her last will and testament. As is usually the case, Mom finds it all very uncomfortable and depressing to talk about, and I have a hard time comprehending why. It was the same type of thing when she and I went to get her burial arrangements done. She just doesn't like talking about, and so sometimes it's difficult to get much input on what her last wishes might be.

My sister-in-law came over while Mom and I were going over her papers. Like me, my sister-in-law has no problem talking about death or dying, and she and I started talking about these issues. Mom finally said, "This is the most depressing conversation," and both my sister-in-law and I were genuinely confused about why people feel that way.

I'm a very pragmatic, practical person. I want Jonah to know exactly what my burial wishes or health issues are. My sister-in-law and I both agreed that we don't want to be kept alive just for the sake of family members who aren't ready to let us go? Why should they be so afraid to let us go? It's only temporary as far as I am concerned, and keeping us around in a vegetative state isn't going to do either of us any good.

Mom wants to be kept alive as long as possible. That's certainly her choice, but I have a hard time understanding it, although I will respect and abide by it if that's what she wishes. If one is suffering, for example, why does one want to remain in that state if one doesn't have to? And isn't that just making it harder on those who have to watch you suffer? On the flip side, I also don't understand those who can't let their loved ones go, even if they subconsciously know it would be for the best.

My sister-in-law and I talked about how cremation is a viable option for us. For me, I like the idea of cremation because it's more economical and environmentally friendly, and the romantic in me likes the idea of scattering my ashes somewhere cool. And if one believes in resurrection (which I do), then putting us back together should be a breeze for a perfect and all-knowing Heavenly Father.

Jonah does not like the idea of cremation. He wants somewhere where he can go to properly mourn me. I told him if he feels that way, he can put my ashes in an urn on our fireplace mantle and mourn me every day if he likes. But the fact is, I'm not actually in that urn. I'm not in that hole in the ground. My mortal remains might be, but the essence of who I am is not, so why should it make a difference where or how my body is buried or disposed of? Just as Jonah says that God is not confined within the walls of any church, my spirit is not confined to my mortal remains, so it shouldn't make a difference. And why mourn me? I'm not gone forever. It's just a brief time in the cosmos away from one another.

I get why we mourn people's passing. We love them, and when they leave us, it does leave a hole in our lives. But it shouldn't be a surprise that it does happen and will happen to everyone, nor should we let it prevent us from living the best lives we can while we still have them in mortality.

When my grandfather died, for example, my grandmother stopped living for a while. Oh, her body was present, but she chose to live in gloom and melancholy for years, and it wasn't until my cousin was born (when new life entered her life) that she was finally able to live life more fully again. I understand she loved my grandfather very much and felt lost without him, but I also think of the many years she wallowed in self-pity and sorrow and wonder if she was really honoring his life by refusing to let go of his death. Was she doing him or herself any favors by refusing to move on.

My father died while I was on my mission. I did not go to the funeral. I was far away in Europe doing work which I felt was important, and which I know my father felt was important. Some people I've encountered are surprised I didn't go to the funeral and say that it must have been hard not to be able to attend. I hope it doesn't sound cold or callous, but, no, it really wasn't. I loved my father very much, and while it would have been nice to attend, the fact is my father was not in that casket. Yes, his body was, but he wasn't. I think I honored his life more by doing something he felt was important and honored the lives of those I was serving by continuing to help the living than I would have been able to do by attending his funeral. He knew I loved him. I knew I loved him. And really, what more could I have done there by actually being physically present that I wasn't already doing by honoring the memory of his spirit?

I am convinced, too, that I felt my father's presence while in church the week after he died. I felt his hand on my shoulder as strongly as I had felt it when he was still alive in mortality. My dad was as much with me as he ever was in mortality.

The fact is that people sometimes have this idea that heaven or the afterlife are somehow far, distant, unattainable places. I believe the spirits of those who have past on are right here with us, and I believe, too, that when we are really in tune, we can feel them and, yes, even sometimes see them.

I think of how great it will be to be reunited with those that have passed on or to meet those we never knew in mortality. What a great thing that will be! And what wonderful things we will learn and feel on the other side. I truly believe that.

I do hope when I die, it will be quick. While I am not afraid to die, I do not find the prospect of a slow, dragged-out death filled with a lot of suffering too appealing. Whatever the Lord has in store for me, I'll have to take; but I would much rather fall asleep one night and just die in my sleep or die instantly in a car crash than lie in a hospital bed drowning in my own fluids for months and months on end while my family watches me slowly waste away.

But I don't suppose the majority of us don't get to choose how we die. As for me, right now I feel like I have so much to live for, so I'm not eager to die any time soon, but when it is time, I don't believe I will fear it, and I hope it's quick.

If you were uncomfortable reading this topic, my apologies, but I see no reason to be, either.

Those Godless Gays

I read a comment to a story about the gay marriages in New York in the online edition of The Deseret News. It said:

New York now rejects the moral definitions of its Judeo-Christian founders. It has defined same-sex marriage -- once the very epitome of being immoral -- as being moral. The godless among us are winning the battle of claiming that there is no such thing as a moral code, because they believe a moral code is the province of what they call, "weak minded religious people."

May the rest of the country wake up and more vigorously defend marriage as between a man and a woman, thus preserving traditional definitions of morality, before immorality is taught as morality to our children in schools.

I'm always bothered when people like this individual refer to those who support gay rights as being "godless." It's the same feeling I feel when those who believe in God accuse atheists as having no morals simply because they don't believe in God. I just don't get it.

Even if you believe homosexuality or gay marriage is wrong and that it goes against what God commands, isn't the term "godless" laying it on a bit thick? I mean if "godless" in this case means anybody who promotes or teaches or lives in a way that is contrary to what God teaches or commands, then aren't all of us "godless?" There's not one person on this earth who doesn't sin or do things that are contrary to what God has commanded them to do. If there were, why would we even need Jesus or his atonement? Plus, even if a person sins by this individual's definition, does that mean they are without God? Does that mean they have abandoned God or that God has abandoned them? Frankly, I can't imagine God abandoning anybody - at least not the God I know - so I hardly believe anyone is without God, even if they think they are.

Does this individual believe, then, that all people who support gay rights or who are gay don't believe in God? Well, that isn't true, either. I know many of us who do. I can assure you, I do not consider myself godless nor does my partner. I know many gay people and supporters of gay people who are very much worshipful of a god, whoever they deem that god to be. Many of us are living our lives trying to be the best people God has created us to be.

"Godless" is such a loaded term, and I find it very ignorant. I feel much the same way about gay-rights supporters calling anyone who disagrees with them "hateful." I do not feel everything is so black and white.

Think me immoral if you like (although I don't feel I am that, either), but please don't call me "godless."



Another comment I read in a Salt Lake Tribune article referred to two friends of mine who were among those who recently legalized their union in New York. The commenter called their union "disgusting" and "wrong." This couple has been in a committed, monogamous, loving relationship for 16 years (longer than some of the heterosexual couples I've known in my life). I know others who have shared their lives for far longer. Please explain to me what is so "wrong" and "disgusting" about that.

I don't know what opponents think is going to happen if gay people start getting married. Heck, it's been happening in Massachusetts for some time now, and the sky has not fallen. How is the union of two loving and committed people causing our world to go morally bankrupt? Please don't accuse me of indoctrinating your kids and recruiting them to be gay because that isn't how it works, folks. If your kid is gay, he or she is already gay. He or she doesn't need my help. Nobody recruited me, and I sure as heck am not getting a free toaster oven if I try to recruit you. I can no more make anyone out there gay than they can make me straight. I tried many a time to make myself straight, and I assure you, I'm just gay. That's just who I am.

And please don't tell me that if the gays start getting married, pretty soon people will be marrying their children or cats or refrigerators. It's about two consenting adults who love and are committed to each other and simply want the same ten thousand rights heterosexual people automatically get when they marry one another. Don't tell me we can have those rights just a freely and easily because we can't. Do you know the legal costs involved in some states? My friend (who has been with his partner for 20 years) paid $22,000 to get some of the same rights married heterosexuals get for free. Where's the equality in that?

I never asked to be gay and spent many years trying not to be. But I am. It's not going away, and I've reached a point in my life where I'm quite happy to be who I am. I feel God loves Jonah and me very much and blesses us each day. No "godlessness" over here, I promise you.

I know people out there think homosexuality is a sin and draws one away from God. I disagree with them, but if they want to think that, I suppose that is their prerogative. All I would say to them is if they really got to know some gay people on a personal level, they might see us in a different light, and even if they still disagreed with us, they might at least realize that it is not their place to judge us, but God's. As for me, I'm quite at peace in my relationship with my Father in Heaven.

My Laugh For The Day

Today before Sunday School officially started, the instructor asked if any of us had any good news to share. I guess he's had some depressing things happen to him this week and wanted those of us having good things happen in our lives to share them to serve as a sort of pick-me-up for him.

No lie, the very first thought that rushed in to my head was how great I think it is that gay people are finally being able to legally wed in New York. If that's not great news, I don't know what is.

I chuckled to myself as I thought how funny the reactions would be if I were to say such a thing in Sunday School. I actually don't think the instructor would have minded, but I'm sure there would have been some shocked faces in the crowd. It actually kind of gave me the giggles.

The next thought that ran through my head (again no lie) was how grateful I am that that stupid "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" law will be history soon.

These were the things I was feeling thankful for today, and in my mind, they are two pieces of very good news. Of course, I remained silent like a good excommunicated member, but the image of my sharing those two pieces of good news with my fellow Sunday Schoolers tickled me so.

The lesson, by the way, was on witnesses and was pretty good. I genuinely like this instructor's lessons, although I didn't feel the congregants were participating as much as usual.

Sacrament Meeting was on gratitude, and the two speakers (my former bishop and his wife) were excellent.

Having It All

I miss Jonah so very much. I've been down the last couple of days. I don't get down that often, but this month has been harder than usual. I wrote recently of feeling down because of feeling stuck in my acting. Rereading that post, I realize how ungrateful I must have seemed writing it.

I am so blessed and lucky to actually do what I enjoy doing for a living. How proud it made me to attend my high school reunion 2 years ago and actually say that I was making a successful living doing what I always said I would do. How fortunate I feel to go to work and act and perform instead of waiting tables or sitting in a cubicle all day. I have little right to complain.

The other day, my future nephew-in-law asked me how many shows I've acted in, and as I went through and tried to remember all the shows I've done, I figured my current show is my 97th (unless I missed some, which is entirely likely). That means I've done nearly (or have actually done) 100 shows, professionally and non-professionally.

I've dreamed of being an actor since my first show in the third grade. My mom continually recounts a story about how I came home from elementary school and announced that I was going to be an actor and never deviated from that goal (although there were very, very brief periods when I considered becoming a lawyer, a psychologist, or a history teacher (but none of those lasted).

I remember returning from my mission and wondering if I could maintain my values and still make a living in the theatre. It's the only time I ever seriously considered abandoning my career goals, and it frightened me immensely to consider giving up the thing I felt most passionate about.

I remember praying about it and getting the very distinct prompting that this was what I should continue doing with my life, and it made me feel good that perhaps God actually approved of my career choice. Happily, it is a decision I have never regretted.

I've had the chance to play some great roles in some great shows, and, yes, I have also taken roles just for the paycheck. The ones I feel passionate or moved by are the most worthwhile, however.

My only regret is that I have not been able to have my career and be with Jonah in our home at the same time. This has been hard because my career has been quite successful during the time I've been with Jonah, and I, unfortunately, have spent more time away from him than with him since we had our commitment ceremony, and this has been due to my career.

I said in the aforementioned post that I was almost hoping not to get cast in The Tempest because I miss my husband so much. I've also been given an opportunity to audition for a play that I think I'd really enjoy doing, but I am foregoing it because I want to spend some time with Jonah, and if I were to get cast, I would have no break at all in which to see him, and it would be unlikely that we would spend more than a couple of days together between now and the end of December, and we've already been apart since April (aside from a couple of days here and there). It just isn't enough.

The cast for The Tempest still hasn't been announced, so there's still a chance I could be cast, and there is a good chance I could be cast in the show immediately after that, which is a musical, so aside from a week or two, I could end up being away from Jonah for a while, which is not at all appealing to me.

I have another opportunity to audition for another show, a contemporary comedy-drama, which is kind of what I am in the mood to do. I'm kind of burned out on musicals, and just want to play a lead in a contemporary straight play, so it's an exciting opportunity. It would also give me more time with Jonah. The downside is it doesn't pay as well as I would get doing The Tempest and the musical, and especially if Jonah and I are possibly buying another property, it would be good to earn more money.

The trouble with earning money and maintaining my career is that it keeps me away from the guy I love; the guy I miss. Ultimately, that isn't healthy, either. We've made it work for a long time, and we have both been supportive of each other's career, which have forced us to be separated; but I think we're both getting tired of it. Jonah certainly doesn't expect me to give up my career, but we both agree that maybe a small break from it is due. Jonah, although tired of his job, makes much better money than I do, so we think, for the time being, that it would be foolish of him to give up his job, although he probably will do in so in a year or so.

I love acting so much. But I love Jonah so much, too. I wish there was a way to have both at the same time, but I do not have as good of a theatre network in the city where we live than I do here in Utah, and furthermore, the kinds of theatre opportunities I look for do not seem to be available to me there.

Relationships are about sacrifice, and I think I may have to take a break from my career to be with Jonah for a bit, and that's both hard and good. On the other hand, while I'm home with Jonah, I hope I can at least find work I enjoy doing. I don't exactly want to work at Walmart or wait tables at the Cheesecake Factory.

I guess we'll see what happens. Why can't one have it all at the same time?

Amazing, Spiderman!

I opened my mailbox today to find this:



Me likey! Me likey a lot!

Not only nice eye candy, but a great actor. I've really admired his work since I saw him in Boy A. And I like the character of Spiderman, so I look forward to seeing this. Hope it's good.

To Risk Or Not To Risk? That Is, Indeed, The Question.

So Jonah wants to buy another house and either rent that one out or move into it and rent our current house. Obviously, the goal is to have an investment that hopefully will prove to be a source of income. Jonah says that since we aren't intending to have children and, therefore, will have no one to take care of us when we get old that it might be beneficial to create something that will provide us with a nest egg.

Home prices where we live are amazingly low, and we could get a really nice piece of property for relatively cheap. If we choose to live in the new property, we would be paying a much lower mortgage for a house that is equivalent or better than our current one and then our renters would be paying for our current mortgage, and perhaps we could get a profit.

If the renters live in the new property, we could charge rent that is higher than the mortgage and, therefore, pay for the property and make a profit as well.

I have friends who have bought properties and rented them out, and they agree that, if done right, such a venture could be profitable and beneficial

This sounds all well and good in theory, but I must admit it makes me nervous and anxious. First of all, I feel I'm out of league as far as real estate is concerned. Secondly, if we go about it the wrong way and can't get anybody to rent the property (or can't get them to rent it for as much as we want or need), then we will be stuck paying for two properties when I feel I am barely able to pay for the one we currently have. I do not feel I am a gambler or a risk taker, and there is always a gamble or a risk involved in such a deal.

I will say this: Jonah has very good instincts. When it comes to his gut, Jonah is right about 99% of the time. He feels this is something we should at least try to do (or, at the very least, research), and because experience has taught me so, I am trying to trust his judgment and get on board.

Jonah's parents had the opportunity early in life to buy property, and they didn't, thinking it would not be worth it. That same property they failed to acquire is extremely valuable, and Jonah wonders if some of their present financial difficulties could have been averted had they bought it when they had the chance. Jonah doesn't want to make a similar mistake with us.

Jonah also has some money saved up to do this and also has a wealthy friend who would likely to be willing to help us out if we need it. I, on the other hand, do not feel that my own finances would be adequate for such a venture.

I've been taught my whole life to stay out of debt. I already have car payments and student loan payments I am still making as well as our mortgage, and if this venture were to fail, I would be in serious debt.

I'm also not eager to be a landlord. I don't want to deal with any of the headaches such as late rent or maintenance concerns.

Yet it could be a good investment, and furthermore, it could actually improve my financial situation.

Jonah has started sending me properties to look at. It reminds me of when we were looking for our present home and how overwhelming and stressful it felt to me (plus how long it took to find just the right place). I've been looking through some of these places, and there are, indeed, some really good deals, but it's giving me a bit of anxiety as well.

Jonah says (often) that we have to guide our lives by faith, not fear. And like I said, while I consider myself a practical, pragmatic guy, Jonah's leaps of faith are usually spot on. Where I can only see the present reality, Jonah sees possibility, and even though he doesn't always know how things will work out, he believes they will, and he is usually right.

If we do this the right way, it could be a really good thing. If we go into it the wrong way, it could be disaster. As I've thought and prayed about this, I found it interesting that a friend's Facebook status leaped out at me today. It said simply: "If you do it, you'll regret it. If you don't do it, you'll regret it. So you might as well just do it."

Jonah knows that I carry a bit of trepidation. But he also knows I'm genuinely trying to have an open mind and heart. I know, ultimately, he is looking out for us. But is this the right thing to do? I still don't know. I just know I'm feeling anxious about it.

So, what about any of you? What are your opinions? Do any of you out there have any experience with real estate deals or renting? What advice do you have? I welcome any thoughts on this.

A Little Slice Of Heaven

So, I know I've written about the fact that I am not a very social person. I don't particularly enjoy parties or big shindigs; I rarely go out to eat with friends unless it's one-on-one or one-on-two; I don't tend to go to group activities; I enjoy my alone time a lot.

Last night, I was engaged in a work-related activity with some of my fellow cast members. When we finished, I was quite ready to go home. Very impromptu, one of my friends said she wanted to go out to eat to celebrate her birthday, which is today. It was very last minute, and I wasn't particularly in the mood. However, I like this friend a lot and felt it might be nice to support her on the eve of her special day.

I called my mom to let her know I would be late (yes, even at 40 I call my mom if I'm going to be late so she won't worry) and headed off to the place we were eating to meet my friends.

The place was a small plate/wine bar. Not my kind of place at all. I freely admit I have little sophistication or couth (plus I don't drink), and when I go out to eat, I am in little mood to savor or nibble; I want a full, big meal at a cheap price. Sometimes I think small plate/wine bar establishments come off as a bit pretentious. I don't fault those who enjoy them; they just aren't my personal bag.

We were seated at an outdoor table, and the sun was setting and the evening was cooling off. There were only six of us in the group - four of my co-workers, the birthday girl's sister, and me - and that was nice. Six is about all I can handle in group settings.

As suspected, the prices were more than I would normally wish to pay (yes, I am cheap - ask Jonah, lol), and I saw that the place did not take separate checks, and I had no cash, so I fretted about whether that would be a problem (I always hate figuring out the bill and who owes who what at the end of a group dinner). But a friend agreed to charge it all on her credit card and have each of us pay her back (I actually wrote her a check at the end of the night (yes, some of us still write checks occasionally. I have not quite entered the 21st century.).

We each decided to order at least one small plate and then just share among ourselves, which I think is kind of the point of these small plate establishments. Some people got two or three; I just got one (like I said, I'm cheap).

My friends, all who drink, ordered a bottle of wine, although I think only four of them actually imbibed. The wait staff was very friendly and joked around with us. We thought, being the loud, obnoxious actor-types that we are, that they would find us annoying or, at the very least, that the other patrons around us would, but everybody around us seemed unbothered by us, and the wait staff seemed to find us charming and funny.

Slowly throughout the evening, the wait staff would bring us our small plate dishes a couple at a time. Normally I rush through my meals (like I said, not much couth), but the dishes were meant to be savored and shared slowly and casually.

The dishes themselves were, indeed, small, but very good. Among the ones I recall were beets and lettuce leaves, mushrooms and brie, scallops and pasta, mussels in a tomato-type sauce, pork tenderloins and corn, an apple walnut salad, curried cauliflower, Cajun green beans, asparagus wrapped in bacon, and a cheese plate (with four different cheeses, apricot compote, almonds, apple wedges, and some crunchy thing I couldn't identify.

I particularly enjoyed the cheese plate (my selection), which had some of the best blue cheese I have ever tasted; the mushrooms and brie; the pork tenderloins; and the curried cauliflower. Everything else was good, too, except I didn't care for the Cajun green beans (well-prepared, but too spicy for my taste).



As we talked and shared and ate and savored, I realized how much I enjoy these friends of mine. There was a very light breeze blowing, there were people all around us laughing and chatting, and I became acutely aware of just how much fun I was having hanging out with friends and just how much I was enjoying myself and my time with them.

We, of course, laughed and told stories and shared mutual experiences, and at one point we each told a story or two about when we first met the birthday girl or our favorite memory of her or what we liked about her. Some were serious, some were funny, one was even acted-out by another cast member. And at the end of the evening she said how her birthday meal with her couldn't have been any more perfect or lovely.

My friends ordered another bottle of wine (a different one this time), and we ordered three dessert plates among ourselves (myself included): a chocolate torte, bruleed bananas with a Nutella mousse, and red wine-soaked Oreos with ice cream. I didn't partake in the Oreos and ice cream, but the torte was phenomenal, and I quite enjoyed the bananas and mousse.

After our meal was complete, we just sat talking and laughing and enjoying one another. Jonah called, and I handed the phone to a mutual friend that Jonah has a very innocent crush on as a joke. They talked for a bit, and then my friend handed the phone to me. I talked with Jonah for a bit and then said I would call him back in about twenty minutes when I got home (which actually turned out to be about an hour later).

We just stayed and talked and laughed and sometimes grew very serious, and even though the establishment was closed by this time, the wait staff seemed in no hurry to be rid of us. And as I shared my times with these friends of mine, I became very, very conscious of how much I value and love each one of them (even the birthday girl's sister, who I barely know), and I thought, "This must be what heaven is like - this feeling of love I feel for these dear friends of mine who have touched my life in various and important ways."

And I looked around at them, none of them active in the LDS Church (although they all grew up in it) but me (who has been excommunicated, so I guess technically I can't be considered an active member either) - three of us gay - some of us drinking - and I thought, "By the LDS Church's standards, none of us would be considered bound for the 'highest kingdom,' and yet these are all such good souls."

And I thought, "These are the people I want to spend eternity with. My husband is who I want to spend eternity with." I have a feeling wherever I end up in the afterlife, it will be a great place, and these people will be with me, and I will be very happy.

Last night was a beautiful, wonderful, lovely night. And to think I almost missed it. I wouldn't normally spend $22 on just myself for a meal (which is what I ended up paying - I told you I was cheap!), but last night I did not care. $22 is just money. The feelings I felt and carried; the experiences I had; the time I spent with these dear friend; the love that filled my spirit; the realization of how dear these friends really are to me; the memory of that glorious evening - those are mine to hold on to forever.

Heaven. Sheer heaven.

Feeling Baffled

So I have this friend. He is straight (or at least claims to be - I'm still not so sure, but that is beside the point). On the night of July 4th, he and his roommate (whose sexuality I am unaware of (but again, it's beside the point)) were walking together in Liberty Park in the Salt Lake area holding hands. They were not holding hands to make a statement (at least, my friend claims it was not for that reason) nor are they romantically involved in any way nor do I think they were doing it as a joke. They were just holding hands.

Anyway, they walked by a woman who scolded them with a "Follow the prophet!" Next a man chided them, saying, "Hey, you dropped your purse!" and teasing them about wearing high heels (which they weren't).

My friend was confused about why these people felt the need to chastise him and his roommate or to belittle and tease them. They were simply enjoying the July 4th festivities and their hand-holding wasn't causing any harm to anyone around them.

My friend said, "First of all, since I'm not gay, these people made assumptions about me that aren't true, and secondly, even if they were true, why did they feel the need to belittle us? If we had been a guy and a girl, no one would have thought twice about it or made any rude remarks."

My friend went on to say that in many cultures it is perfectly normal for two men to hold hands or show affection for one another in ways that might be deemed as odd or inappropriate in other cultures.



As I heard my friend tell this story, I wondered, "Why is it so hard for some people to 'live and let live?'" Look, even if one thinks it's wrong for two guys to be holding hands and enjoying time together, do these people really think that making rude, stereotypical remarks about those guys' sexuality or telling them to "follow [a] prophet" they might not even believe in or have any connection to is helpful or needful?

Whether my friend is gay or straight, was his holding the hand of another man causing any harm or injury to the people around him? Isn't holding a hand an act of affection or love? Is that such a negative, terrible thing?

And what impression did those people leave my friend? The first was self-righteous and probably made my friend (who grew up in the LDS Church, but is no longer active) feel even less connected to that religion. The second was an ignorant bigot and treated my friend and his roommate in a contemptible and mocking way? Do these people think such actions are endearing?

Why are people so offended by two people of the same sex doing nothing more than holding hands? I'm even quite sure that if my friend and his roommate had been two girls, they would not have been treated that way. What is so threatening about two guys holding hands?

I find some people baffling. Things like this truly confuse me. I think it's sad.

Even if one thinks homosexual behavior is wrong (and I would argue that two men holding hands does not necessarily imply that they are gay), what is there about two men holding hands that is so offensive?

I do not understand people sometimes.

Feeling Somewhat Stuck

I think I'm a pretty confident guy overall, and I consider my self-esteem to be pretty good. Lately though, I've been feeling less-than-adequate as far as my acting skills are concerned. This is somewhat ironic because I've had a very good year career-wise, and I quite frequently have people who have seen me act tell me what a good performer they think I am. And yet, sometimes inside I kind of feel like a hack.

This is not really true. I don't think I'm a bad actor by any means. I think I'm a good actor and that I have very good timing. People tell me I'm really good, and companies keep hiring me, so I must be at least above average; but I don't feel I'm a terrific or unbelievable actor, which I what I aspire to be.

Sometimes I will see a brilliant, engaging, moving actor, and think to myself, "Oh, I'd love to be like that." And perhaps I am and just don't know it.

I do think I'm a good actor, a decent singer (though not phenomenal), and dancing...? ...well, I think everybody can agree that I'm an okay mover, but I don't think Broadway or Ballet West will be calling me any time soon based on my dance skills.

I also feel a little stale lately. I felt this way, too, just before I made the decision to go back to graduate school to re-tool and hone my acting skills (which was a great decision). I'm actually in a great show right now with a really talented group of people, and it's been a lot of fun. But on some level it feels like I'm sort of coasting through my part, which I can't stand. I don't think anybody but me feels that way. In fact, I would guess that my fellow cast members, director, and the audience probably feel I am doing an excellent job and working very hard. But I don't personally feel very challenged, and I'm not sure why.

The rehearsal process has actually been an intense one, and physically I've really had to work quite hard (I discovered at the beginning of the rehearsal process that I am more out-of-shape than I had realized), and yet I feel like I'm kind of relying on a familiar bag of tricks and my usual shtick rather than exploring new ways of doing things and challenging myself. Part of it comes from the fact that there isn't a lot of nuance in this show. The particular style, I feel, is very "in-your-face" and blatant, almost like we're spoon-feeding the audience every moment, which I feel is doing a bit of injustice to both us and our audience. But that is what the particular style of this particular show calls for, and I accept that.

And I am (I truly am) having a good time and having fun. Audiences seem to enjoy what we're all doing, and they seem to enjoy my personal performance. The writer of the show recently told me he loves what I am doing with one of the characters I play. A fellow actor said he really thinks I'm great at what I do and admires my performance and choices a lot. It's not like I'm not putting any thought or effort into what I'm doing. But I've always been overcritical of myself (although less so now than when I was younger, if you can believe it), and if my personal performance is not measuring up to what I think it ought to be, I get a little frustrated with myself.

I'm hoping to do a drama next (my current show is a comedy). Something really dark and depressing. lol. Something with some levels and nuance. I feel like I need that.

Maybe I just need a vacation. Jonah and I have been married for nearly three years, and we have been away from each other more than we have been together during that time. I really feel like maybe I even need to take a little acting break and be with him for a while. We miss each other a lot. My career is very important to me (always has been), and I'm not sure what I'd do to support myself if I'm not acting, but I'd like some quality time with Jonah, too.

I recently auditioned for The Tempest by William Shakespeare, and I'd enjoy doing it (and it would certainly be different from what I am currently doing), but I'm almost hoping not to get cast (because I'll have a hard time saying no if I am) just because I'd like to go home for a while.

An old college friend also invited Jonah and me to go to Gay Days at Disneyland, which sounds like a lot of fun. I haven't taken a real vacation in some time, nor have I seen this friend in a while. But if I got cast in The Tempest I wouldn't be able to go.

Anyway, I guess I'm just feeling a bit stale and bored (not with my job, but with my acting) even though I shouldn't be. I think I just need to recharge my batteries somehow.

But please know that I am very grateful for my job and career and for the opportunities it has afforded me and continues to bless me with. I certainly don't want to sound ungrateful. I just feel in a bit of a rut today, and perhaps tomorrow I will feel differently. I'm probably just in a mood.

Anyway, blah, blah, blah. Sorry to invite you to this silly pity-party. It's really not as bad as I've probably made it sound. :-)