Discovered

Well, it was only a matter of time. Someone I know has discovered my blog. Interestingly enough, it is my neighbor who attended my disciplinary council. This comes as no surprise to me since she reads some of the blogs that are in the same circles as blogs I read.

She had asked my mom if I had a blog and that she thought she had stumbled across a blog that most likely belonged to me. Mom asked me, and I said I did and said she was welcome to read it if she wanted and sent her the web address.

I'm not embarrassed or ashamed by anything I have written here over the last three or so years, but at the same time I wonder if I will censor or edit myself knowing that people I know are reading (although most of the stuff here is stuff I've been pretty open about with those in my life).

What does concern me more is how Jonah feels. I think he feels uncomfortable with the fact that some of our personal stuff is here for the world to read and even more so that it may be read by people who are not strangers. He told me he doesn't mind my having a blog, but that it makes him feel weird to know that people who know me might be reading about our personal life and that the whole idea in the beginning was for it to be anonymous. He has a valid point and one that I need to consider.

When I think about it, my original reasons for having a blog (to sort out my feelings and conflicts with my sexuality and my religious beliefs) have pretty much been taken care of. Now it's just become a place to think out loud, but I no longer need it like I did then, and there is, admittedly, a lot of personal stuff contained in it. Everything I have written in this blog (and then some) is in my journal that I keep. I also hoped this blog could be a place where others could learn what it's like to be in a gay Mormon's shoes and take what they could from my own personal experiences, and I feel it's done that, too. Maybe the time has come to shut it down. I've actually considered creating a new blog under my actual name that would contain humorous musings on life rather than all this serious, personal stuff. Maybe this is my excuse to do so.

In any case, I'm thinking it over. I'll let you know.

The Long Way Around

One of my favorite quotes is from J.R.R. Tolkien: "Not all those who wander are lost."

I remember a friend of mine who came out of the closet before I did had the quote on a bumper sticker on the back of his car. At the time I was still a member of the church, and he had recently chosen to leave the MTC while preparing to go on his mission because he no longer wanted to live a lie. He was coming out and seemed very happy in doing so. I remember being jealous because I wished I could do the same thing. At the same time, I also felt concerned for his spiritual well-being because I felt at the time that he was giving up and giving in to things that would take him away from Eternal Life. When I read the quote at the time, it made me think, but I wasn't sure I believed it was true.

Now that I'm on the other side of things, I very much believe it. It's interesting being an outsider looking in (I mean as far as Mormonism goes). I'm still active (as active as a non-member can be) and attend church as often as I'm able. Although I miss some things about being a member, in some ways I actually enjoy church more because there's not as much pressure. Not only that, it's interesting to see Mormonism from a different set of eyes than when I was entrenched in it.

Today in Sacrament Meeting, this lady gave a talk on adversity. The talk itself was fine, but what struck me is that she was talking about how her son had not been able to serve a mission for whatever reason, and he was losing his testimony, and she was talking about how for a great deal of her life, her goals and dreams included her son serving a mission, and when that didn't happen and when his faith was shaken, it shook her own world and caused her feelings of anger, unhappiness, and confusion.

Now, I don't know the circumstances of her situation, and the main point of her talk was that she finally found a place of peace after this adversity, but it got me to thinking about the expectations people have as members of the LDS Church and what happens to them when those expectations are not met. So many people feel that if they just keep all the commandments and do everything church leaders tell them to do, all will be well. People expect to serve missions, fall in love with a member of the opposite sex, get married in the temple, have a family, have those kids go on to live as honorable members of the church, and then eventually die and go on to eternal salvation.

But what happens when you're faced with a time when you're not sure you have a testimony anymore? What happens when you realize you can't be perfect? What happens when you find out you're gay or that you're unable to serve a mission? What happens when you can't find someone to share your life with and you find you're alone or when you do meet someone who won't join the church? What happens when your temple marriage falls apart? What happens when your spouse cheats on you or abandons you for whatever reason? What happens when your kids get involved in drugs or premarital sex or have a baby out of wedlock? What happens when your child doesn't believe the things you do and wants to leave the church? What happens when your spouse is suddenly struck with a terrible disease and you have to take care of them? Or what happens when your spouse is in a car accident or has a sudden heart attack, and you're suddenly left alone? What happens when you or your spouse lose your job and are left with huge bills that can't be paid?

Sometimes people have this false idea that if they are faithful members of the church, they will be free of adversity. Or sometimes when loved ones make choices they disagree with, they think all is lost and their world is shattered.

What really intrigued me was the Sunday School lesson. The instructor piggy-backed off the woman's talk and brought up some of these very points I was thinking of. An illustration he gave was that most of the pioneers crossed the plains to get to Salt Lake City, but he talked of one group who left from New York, sailed all the way around South America, landed in California (where some chose to stay) about six months after they left, and eventually made it to Salt Lake. They went the long way, and some people probably thought they were crazy and wrong to do so, but that didn't make it the wrong way. Many of them still got where they were supposed to end up. And even those who didn't end up in Salt Lake, who's to say that California wasn't where they would be happiest?

Anyway, it got me to thinking about my own situation. There is still no doubt in my mind that I am happier and more at peace than I was when I was trying to be a "good" member of the church. I have not made the wrong decision. Maybe I'm just taking the "long way around." Fortunately, I am very sure God knows exactly where I am in my journey, and I feel (and have felt) His assurance that all is well, and that's the only person's opinion that matters regarding my choices.

Recently, a general authority spoke at an Evergreen Conference. You can read his whole talk here. I suppose I understand his position as a general authority speaking before a body of people who are wanting to change their sexuality from gay to straight, but I fear the expectations that are put before so many people who struggle with feelings of homosexuality are unreasonable, and what will (and does) it do these people when those expectations are unable to be met? Especially when these expectations are being presented by people who have no idea what it's like to be in a gay person's shoes.

And that's what I'm talking about. When we're given expectations of what a "perfect Mormon life" is supposed to be, and those expectations are unable to be met through no fault of our own, how will we respond? Will we lose our testimony? Will we beat ourselves up and self-flagellate? Will we become estranged from our loved ones or embrace them in spite of choices we may not agree with? Will we be strong enough to endure whatever we've been asked to? Will we decide we have to do what is best for our personal peace and happiness even if it goes against the grain of what is expected? Will we leave the church or become excommunicated? Will we maintain our testimony and stay faithful no matter what? These are all choices or conditions personal to each and every one of us. As for me, I know what I had to do. It has not shaken my testimony of the LDS Church, but at the same time I'm able to live my life as I feel I need to, and I am happier for it.

AntiSocial, That's Me!

I am a pretty antisocial individual. It's not that I don't like people; I just don't like being around them. :-) j/k

I'm the guy that when I go to a restaurant, I choose the booth furthest away from other people. I sit on the far aisle in movie theaters. I am a homebody. I have gone three or four days in a row without ever leaving (or wanting to leave) the house. I hate crowds and loud parties. When my fellow cast members go out for drinks or dinner, it is rare that I will go with them. Again, it has nothing to do with my like or dislike for people; I'm just kind of a loner and truly value my alone time.

In the Salt Lake Tribune in August, the following article appeared (I believe the exact date was August 1):

Fort Myers, Fla. - The Vangelakoses' southwest Florida condominium has marble floors, a large pool overlooking a river and modern furnishings that speak of affluence and luxury. What they don't have in the 32-story building is a single neighbor.

The New Jersey family of five purchased their unit four years ago, when Fort Myers was in the midst of a housing boom and any hints of an impending financial crisis were buried in lofty dreams of expansion and development. They made a $10,000 down payment and eagerly watched as builders transformed an empty lot into an opulent high-rise, one that now symbolizes the foreclosure crisis.

"The future was going to be southwest Florida," said Victor Vangelakos, 45, a fire captain who planned to eventually retire and live permanently in the condo.

Most of the other tenants in the 200-unit condo didn't close on their contracts, and the few that did have transferred to an adjacent building owned by the same company because more people live there. The Vangelakoses' mortgage lender will not allow them to do the same. That leaves them as the sole residents of the Oasis Tower One.

"It's a beautiful building," said their attorney, John Ewing, who is representing 27 others who made deposits on units. "The problem is, it's a very lonely building."
When the Vangelakoses travel from Weehawken, N.J., to spend a week or a few days in their Florida home, they have exclusive use of the pool, game room and gym, but they miss having a few tenants around.

"Being from the city, it's very eerie," Vangelakos said. "It's almost like a scary movie."

A large, circular fountain in front of the building is dry. The automatic glass doors that lead to the front lobby are locked. On the front desk is a guest sign-in sheet. The last entry: Feb. 13, 2009.

"It's like time froze here six months ago," Ewing said.

Betsy McCoy, vice president and associated general counsel with The Related Group, which sold the family their unit, said they have tried to help find a solution -- even offering them a unit in the building next door, free of cost, while the situation is resolved.Some interested buyers who put down deposits lost their jobs, others were unable to get mortgages and some were just nervous when the financial collapse came.

The obvious slant in the story is "Oh, these poor people who have to live alone in this huge building, what can be done for them?" But my initial reaction was, "Oh, my gosh! That sounds ideal! I would love that!"

How's that for antisocial?

Memories

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been very, very busy and just haven't had time for the blogosphere as of late.

About three weeks ago (a little less) I finished the run of the show I was doing. As I alluded to in a previous post, about a month ago I was offered a job by a former professor (who to this day remains my favorite theatre teacher (and perhaps my favorite teacher overall) that I ever had and is a man I consider to be my mentor). The job itself was as an adjunct professor at a small college I attended many years ago, and the two subjects I was being asked to teach were acting and musical theatre history, which happen to be two subjects I am very qualified to teach and that I enjoy teaching. The time frame for the job was for the first semester, exactly the time frame when I knew I would be unemployed. Many things about the job appealed to me, but the salary offered was way too low for me to accept the position. I would be paying my house payment with Jonah, and I would have to move to the town where the college is and pay rent there as well, and the amount I was being offered was not enough to cover that, plus it was pretty low compared to my experience and degree.

My former teacher was actually embarrassed by what the college was offering to pay me, and he really wanted me to come work for the theatre department and said he would try to do anything he could to negotiate a higher salary. After much waiting, I was offered a better salary, but still not enough that I would be earning any money (and in fact, I would be losing money by taking the job). Yet, as I prayed and thought about it and discussed it with Jonah, I felt very strongly that I should accept the job offer; that it was something I was supposed to do and something that would pay off for me somehow later in life.

So I took the job. My former professor (now my boss) was thrilled, and even though I am losing money on this deal, I do not regret making this choice. I had to find an apartment fairly quickly, which I thought would be more challenging than it actually ended up being. Actually I found a nice place rather quickly, and I have the place all to myself. There's no bed or microwave, which is inconvenient, but I've been sleeping on the couch, which isn't too bad, and cooking on the stove, which isn't too bad, either. The biggest drawback about the apartment is that there is no air conditioning (something I did not realize until I signed the lease), so it gets pretty hot sometimes. Fortunately, I brought my fan, so it's not too bad, and it is starting too cool down (hopefully the heat works).

As for the job itself, I'm having a delightful time. I really like the students here, and I'm enjoying the classes I teach. Because I didn't accept the job or get my course curriculums and textbooks until two weeks before I started, I did feel a little behind at first, but now I feel like I am catching up (although I also feel like I'm creating my courses as I go along rather than having a long term plan in mind, and that's challenging).

Although I know a lot about musical theatre history, I've never taught it, so it has been interesting doing the research for my lectures, and since I've never taught a lecture course before, I've really tried to figure out ways to make it stimulating and engaging for the students. The acting class, which I have taught before, is a lot easier, although I've also had to tailor my methods to the department's course content, which hasn't been too hard, but still has been some work.

I truly am happy to be here. I went to college here myself, and some of my best memories are from my times here. It's also been interesting to see who I was then and who I am now. One of my first nights here I took a jog past so many of the places that had been a part of my life nearly 20 years ago. I ran past my old apartment building (which looks basically the same, but has a different name); past the old football stadium (which looks so small to me now) where I first told someone that I was gay; past the malt shop where I used to go all the time; past what used to be a convenience store where my friends and I would get snacks for late-night cramming sessions; past the parking lot where I used to park my car when I would go to class; past what used to be the theater we used to perform in (which has since been torn down and another, much better, performing arts facility has been built in what used to be a vacant field); past the place where there used to be a fountain I hung around a lot (after seeing a picture of the old fountain and how ugly it was, I kind of understand why they got rid of it); past the park where my friends and I used to play (and where the current generation of students is still playing; past the shops and eating establishments, which have changed somewhat since I was here as a student. And as I ran, I was listening to the music on my IPod, and I felt so good, so happy. So happy with the memories I had, and so happy with the person I've become.

I remember once, three or four years after I graduated from the college here, I came back for a visit and I understood what the statement "You can never go home again" meant. It just wasn't the same. But this time, about eighteen years after I graduated and probably 15 years since I'd even stepped foot in this town, I realized you actually can go home again. I felt the same joy, the same feelings I felt here so long ago as a student.

And, it's interesting, although this town has grown a little since I was here last and some things have changed, it is very interesting to me how little has changed. The first week I taught, the theatre department had a little gathering where the faculty and staff were introduced and where the students got the opportunity to meet and get to know one another. My boss introduced me and asked if I had anything to say. I told these kids how lucky they were to come to school here, how lucky they were to have this performing arts facility that I never had, and how lucky they were to have my mentor as the head of their department. I got a little emotional, which I was a little embarrassed by, but I meant every word I said. If these kids' experiences are anything like mine were, they are SO, SO lucky and blessed to be going to school here. I told them to make the most of their time here; to seize the day.

It has been so awesome being with my old teacher. I love him so much. he had an enormous influence on me both personally and in my career. It has been fun to watch him in action again. I had forgotten how much I have missed him. And he really has done everything to make me feel welcome and included and important. It's been interesting working with him as a peer. I'm really enjoying it. I know he is equally glad to have me here and is really grateful for all I am doing for him. He wants me to stay on for spring semester, but I told him it will be impossible unless I can get more money. I really like being here, but I can't afford to do this another semester (besides if I get an acting gig, I wouldn't be able to anyway; plus I miss Jonah terribly. Since we had our commitment ceremony nearly a year ago, I've spent all of two or so months with him). I know my boss will do all he can to work it out so I can stay, but I do not believe the college will pay what I need to stay here. Jonah said if they do, he's okay with my staying, but part of me just wants to be in my house with my husband.

The other thing (besides this job) that has kept me occupied was that I got a much-needed operation on my knee. About fifteen years ago I hyperextended my leg in a show I was in and tore some cartilage in my knee. Since then, it has gotten worse and more difficult to dance and walk up and down stairs. Until recently I never had insurance good enough to afford the surgery, but finally I was able to get it (and at a time when I wasn't in a show). The surgery went very well, and my knee is healing quickly. I still have a limp, and I have to go to physical therapy, but considering I had the surgery only a week ago, I feel I am in great shape. Hopefully when it is completely healed, I will no longer have the knee problems I had before.

Tomorrow after I teach my last class, I am going to visit Jonah in Vegas for five days. We are both very, very excited and looking forward to time together.

Things are good. I know my mom misses me a lot (and I miss her (and Jonah), but I guess that's part of life. Just know I am happy and well.

Duh!

I saw a headline in The Deseret News that said "Study Finds LDS Politically Conservative."

That's like putting a headline that says, "People Breathe."

Jonah's Visit This Week

So Jonah was here for nearly a week, which was fabulous. We, of course, have missed each other greatly, and it was so nice to just spend time with him. He got here on Sunday, so I missed church because I had to pick him up. After going straight home for some much-needed lovin', we went to Smith's grocery store to pick up some food for Jonah and to Fed Ex Kinkos to send something to an acquaintance of Jonah's. Having not typically shopped on Sundays, it was kind of unusual to see how dead everything was and how different the shopping crowd was. It actually looked liked Sunday would be a good day to do grocery shopping.

After our trip to the stores, we went to IHOP for breakfast, and then I had to get ready to do two shows that night. Jonah had only had an hour of sleep, so he went to bed, and I later learned that he hadn't gotten up until about 7:00 PM (it's unusual for Jonah to sleep that long).

After my shows we talked and did other things :-)

Monday we had lunch with my mom and an old friend of mine who has wanted to get to know Jonah better, at Mimi's Cafe, which I highly recommend. It was a really nice lunch and was great catching up.

After we got home, Jonah and I tried to fix a broken sprinkler in my mom's sprinkler system. We were not successful, unfortunately. Looks like we may have to call someone. Jonah also pruned my mom's rose bush and helped cut down the remainder of an apple tree my mom had had cut down. After we did that we went to some antique stores Jonah wanted to see (not my thing, but he enjoys it) and we stopped by Lowe's to get some stump killer for the remains of the apple tree. Then we came home and relaxed until it was time for bed.

Tuesday we picked up a cake at Sam's Club that I had ordered for Jonah and my nephew's birthday (which coincidentally fall on the same day). It was chocolate cake with cream filling, decorated with purple and yellow flowers. I thought it looked really good. Then we went to Ikea, a store Jonah wanted to go to because they don't have an Ikea in Las Vegas. We hung around there for a while, and Jonah also bought some knobs for our kitchen cabinets at home. We also ate at Ikea (they have pretty good food). Then we went to Target to get an iron for my mom and look at other things and also got some stuff at Smith's for a party. Then we took a nice nap at home and when we woke up we went to a "Christmas in July" party hosted by my cousin and her husband. It was so much fun. They have a really beautiful home up in the Avenues in Salt Lake City. It had a swimming pool and a great view of the valley. I have a feeling it's out of their price range and that they are struggling to make the mortgage payments.

Anyway, it was a nice chance for my extended family and Jonah to get to know one another better. Everyone was so kind to him and welcoming. I spent much of the time swimming with my niece and her cousin. We sang "Happy Birthday" to Jonah, my nephew, and another cousin (whose birthday was also on the same day). There was good food, and it was nice to see my relatives. We normally get together at Christmas (we have as long as I've been alive), but as families get bigger and obligations to see other family members get more prominent, we've decided to stop doing it and do something like this every year instead. While I am sad to see the Christmas tradition go, I think in the long run this new idea will be more practical for everyone and allow us to spend more quality time together.

After the party, we dropped my mom off at home, and Jonah and I went to see the latest Harry Potter movie (it was the only movie showing that late). As Jonah has never read any of the books or seen any of the movies, he was quite lost. I wasn't, but I still felt disappointed as I always do. The movies will just never be as good as the books, and that's that.

Wednesday Jonah and I took my mom to the zoo. We had to look for my mom's keys, which she thought she had misplaced (but actually I had inadvertently put them in my pocket the night before (since I had been driving us to the party)). I love animals, so the zoo was a lot of fun. I think Jonah enjoyed it, too. He kept telling us about the crappy zoo Las Vegas has (in fact there was just a news story about it and how the animals are suffering abuse there).

After a very fun time at the zoo, we went to a cupcake bakery because Jonah wanted to get the cast members of my show cupcakes for his birthday (that is exactly Jonah's personality to a T and one of the reasons I admire him so much). We also stopped by the cemetery (which was very close by) and briefly visited my dad and my grandma and grandpa's graves. I rarely visit the cemetery. I find it somewhat pointless. But it was nice to see the grave sites again.

After a nap, Jonah came with me to my show, which he had seen two times previously. It was a good crowd, and his cupcakes were a great hit with my cast. After the show we went to a nearby gay bar to do some promotion for the show (well, I went to do promotion; Jonah just came). I don't normally go to bars, gay or straight, but I was impressed with how nice this one was (and I told Jonah, "You are the cutest one here, but there sure is a lot of 'cute' wandering around." My cast performed a few songs, and Jonah actually won a gift card and a trinket in a raffle they were having (I wish he had won the free night at the fancy hotel instead). The whole bar sang "Happy Birthday" to Jonah, too. While I was eager to get home (a party-er I am not), I did have fun, and I think Jonah did, too.

Thursday Jonah and I went up to the University of Utah bookstore. Jonah wanted to buy a book called "Pets With Tourettes" for one of my cast members. Not my sense of humor, but it was big hit with the cast that night. He also bought another humorous book for one of his friends in Vegas. After the bookstore we went to pick up my paycheck and deposited it in the bank. We also took care of some business involving our joint account so we can have our house payment automatically deducted from our account each month. We also visited some more antique stores and tried to pay a visit to my cousin at her art studio, but she wasn't in. We also went to a sheet music store and had a late lunch at The Cheesecake Factory (on National Cheesecake Day, no less; I didn't even know there was such a thing and actually started making up words and music to a "National Cheesecake Anthem." Wish I could remember them now. They were moderately funny.)

Jonah wanted to go to Jo Ann's craft store so he could buy supplies so he could alter and hem up my mom's new temple dress for her. At the store, Jonah was grabbing stuff and handing it to me. A woman near us said to Jonah, "Oh, your wife must have sent you here." I rolled my eyes in a good-natured way that she was oblivious that we were together. It made me laugh that she didn't have a clue even after Jonah explained he was a dresser and costumer. She truly didn't have a clue we were gay. Funny. I thought it was pretty obvious.

I went to my show while Jonah hemmed my mom's dress. Many of my cast members talked about what a great guy Jonah was and how much they liked him. They said I was very lucky to have him. I agreed.

When I got home, my mom and Jonah both said they had had a really nice talk, and my mom was very complimentary about the work he'd done on her temple dress (although Jonah, being the perfectionist he is, was not as pleased with his own work). I jokingly said that my mom should tell all the sisters at the temple that her gay son-in-law hemmed her dress for her. She rolled her eyes and said she didn't think that would go over too well (although she did say she tells everybody that all her kids are married, that I live in Vegas, and that I'm an actor. She said she'll let them figure out the rest on their own.)

Friday was the day Jonah had to go back home. We were both sad about it. Jonah and I went to a fabric store and to a place called Savers where I got a really good deal on some used books. My mom took us out to Chuck-A-Rama, where we had a nice chat. Jonah and I dropped my mom off at home, and Jonah and she said goodbye. Then Jonah and I went over to Deseret Industries because Jonah wanted to look around. Then I drove him up State Street to the Capitol Building and behind it so he could see the valley from up high. Then I took him to the airport, and we said our goodbyes. Jonah's flight was delayed an hour, too, so he was at the airport for a long time unfortunately. But he barely made it home in time for work

We miss each other already. I have a potential job offer teaching acting and musical theatre at a local college. Many things about the job are very appealing to me, and I'm seeing if I can work it out financially because with my house payment, rent in the town where the college is, and the low salary I'm being offered, I'm not sure if it will be worth it or not. Jonah has been very supportive, but it means being away from him for at least four more months, and I was looking forward to spending some time with him. Still a job offer in my chosen field does beat unemployment, I think. I haven't decided what I'm doing yet. I'll let you know.

My show ends in a couple of weeks. I will miss the cast a lot, and I will miss doing the show.

Anyway, that's it for now.

Stupid People

You want to see Jon Stewart lampoon a non-issue?

Watch this.

I found it amusing.

This is one of the videos upon which Jon Stewart's segment is based:



"Scary, stupid crazy people," is all I can say.

Reminds me of this lady during the election campaign:



Hmm. Maybe it's the same lady. ;-)

Coming Together

Last week Senator Jim DeMint (R-South Carolina) said this in relation to President Obama's health care reform plan: "If we're able to stop Obama on this, it will be his Waterloo. It will break him."

It somewhat reminded me of Rush Limbaugh's quote earlier this year where he said, "I hope [Obama] fails." Much as I dislike Rush Limbaugh and his philosophies, I do understand that what he was saying was that he wanted Obama to fail because he didn't want policies he disagreed with to succeed. That being said, I do not like the attitude that both Senator Demint and Rush Limbaugh seem to promote of wanting someone to fail because they don't align with their political ideology.

One thing Rush Limbaugh said in the same commentary from which his above quote came was, "[The liberals] didn't give Bush a chance in 2000. Before he was inaugurated the search-and-destroy mission had begun...Were the liberals out there hoping Bush succeeded or were they out there trying to destroy him before he was even inaugurated?"

I have to say that I think President Bush is the worst president I have known in my lifetime, but I can't remember ever hoping for him to fail or wanting to "break him." I certainly feel, too, that I often tried to give him the benefit of the doubt until he proved himself unworthy of it. Again, I understand what Limbaugh is saying. He probably feels much the same way about Obama's policies as I felt about Bush's, and I would assume he means that he is just as uneager for the the policies he disagrees with to succeed as perhaps I was regarding some of the Bush policies I found distasteful. But that doesn't mean I wanted to Bush to fail to be a good leader or to do things I hoped would be in the best interest of the American citizens. And perhaps that's the problem; that how we achieve those things are different for Rush Limbaugh or George W. Bush or Barack Obama or me. I mean, I think most people want a lot of the same things: life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, etc. But different people and factions have different ideas about how to achieve those things.

In response to Senator DeMint's comments, President Obama said, "Think about that. This isn't about me. This isn't about politics. This is about a health care system that is breaking America's families, breaking America's businesses and breaking America's economy. And we can't afford the politics of delay and defeat when it comes to health care. Not this time, not now. There are too many lives and livelihoods at stake."

Look, I'm not saying that Barack Obama's health care plan is the way to go. In this economy, especially, I understand people's concern about the cost of a major overhaul of our health care system. I also understand people are afraid of socialized health care (I'm not one of those people, but I get it). But what is true is that our health care system is broken, and a lot of people are suffering as a result. I just wish Senator DeMint had more of an attitude of "How can we help the American people with their health care issues?" rather than, "Ooh, Obama's gonna go down if this fails!" And maybe he does, and this sound bite just doesn't reflect that.

I just wish instead of criticizing each other and bickering and rejecting each other simply based on party lines that somehow politicians could come together and figure out how to help the people they represent. I know that's hard, if not impossible, when you're dealing with factions that have very different ideas about how to achieve the same goal, but it just annoys me.

I always feel, too, here in Utah that whenever I write my representatives about anything, they almost always seem to have the opposite point-of-view as mine. I'm not saying my point-of-view is right or better than theirs, but it is frustrating sometimes when you feel you have no voice.

I don't think Barack Obama is perfect, but I did vote for him and I genuinely like and respect him, and I do think he is doing his best to serve the American people (much as I'm sure many people felt about our last president). And I also think after eight years of policies that have gotten us into a lot of trouble, in my opinion, it might be nice to see what happens if we try some new tactics. Maybe those will fail, too. I don't know. I certainly don't hope so. But somehow people have got to learn to come together for the greater good.

If Obama's plans are flawed, then I am hopeful that people from both parties can work together to fix those flaws and help the people they serve. Naive, I know, but I can dream, can't I?

In other news, my mom and I ran into my pretty conservative uncle today. He and his family are the only ones I have not talked to about my sexuality (nor did I invite them to my wedding, which I'm not sure was the right choice, but was the one I felt I needed to make at the time). Anyway, I finally told him. He didn't even bat an eye. In fact, his first question was, "So what does your partner do for a living?" Just another lesson to me that when it has come to my sexuality, I have often underestimated the people that I felt would most have a problem with it. Some of the people I have expected the most guff from have been the most compassionate.

My extended family is getting together for a party next week when Jonah is in town. It will be nice for him to get to know them better (and vice-versa). Jonah will be here for a whole week. I'm so excited. I miss my husband terribly. In fact, I'm looking forward to unemployment just because it means I can go be with him in Las Vegas for a while (although the lack of a job is somewhat worrisome).

Anyway, that's it.

Quote

I heard this quote last night in a movie I was watching:

"You're about to begin a new life. Embrace the new. Don't forget the old. And your new life - enjoy it fully!"

Sounds like good advice to me.

My Stake President

My stake president finally got back to me regarding the letter I wrote him after I was excommunicated (which you can read about here if you want). He actually tried to meet with me right after I sent it, but our schedules didn't mesh. Anyway, he had left me a phone message today saying that he appreciated my letter very much and that it was a "wonderful letter" and that he's been very touched by some of the things I said. He also said he felt embarrassed that he'd been slow getting back to me, which I didn't mind at all. After all, I know he is a very busy man, and he did, after all try to set up an appointment with me right after he received the letter.

Anyway, I was able to call him back, and we had a good chat. We're also going to try to meet on August 8th just to catch up and because he wants to see how I'm doing. We also discussed a matter I put in my original letter, but did not include in my post, which was that I wanted to know if it was permissible for me to read scriptures or from the manual out loud in Sunday School or Priesthood if called on to do so. He said to me today that he had discussed the matter with his counselors right after getting my letter, and they agreed that this would be all right, and he also said if I was ever asked to make a comment in relation to what I read that I could go ahead and do so. I asked if it was permissible for me to volunteer to read scriptures in class. He said he didn't see any problem with that, either. I then asked him if I needed to clear that with the bishop as well. He said he would take care of that as it would be more proper for it to come through him.

This news makes me happy. Even though I am prohibited from doing certain things such as bearing public testimony, giving public prayers, wearing my garments, taking the sacrament, commenting in class, and paying tithing, it does make me feel like I still belong if I can do the things I'm allowed to do, such as participating in the choir, singing hymns, reading scriptures, and being able to listen and learn from those around me who are allowed to do the things I am not. I like that.

My stake president also asked how my job was going and just how I was generally. As I've said before, I consider my stake president a friend, not just a stake president, and I do feel and have always felt for some time now that he really is genuinely concerned for me as a friend.

My former bishop, who is also a good friend and who knows I was excommunicated, is good about asking how I'm doing and seems happy that I am happy.

I am very blessed.

Oh, Say What Is Truth?

So in a previous post I talked about the news story where two gay men were cited for trespassing after becoming belligerent and refusing to leave the LDS Main Street Plaza after being asked to leave because they had engaged in inappropriate behavior. What that behavior exactly was is now subject to speculation.

The LDS Church came out with the following statement Friday regarding the incident:

There has been a good deal of publicity surrounding an incident where two men were cited for trespassing because of belligerent and profane behavior on the Church Plaza, which is an extension of the Salt Lake City Temple grounds and Church headquarters. While this property is owned by the Church, we want it to be a place of beauty and serenity in downtown Salt Lake City for everyone.

As we said earlier on this matter, these men were asked to stop engaging in behavior deemed inappropriate for any couple on the Plaza. There was much more involved than a simple kiss on the cheek. They engaged in passionate kissing, groping, profane and lewd language, and had obviously been using alcohol. They were politely told that the Plaza was not the place for such behavior and asked to stop. When they became belligerent, the two individuals were asked to leave Church property. Church security detained them and Salt Lake City police were called.
There is nothing satisfying in learning that there have been problems for anyone on Church property. We hope the Plaza will continue to be an asset to the community and enjoyed by the many that cross it each day.

Okay, so somebody isn’t being completely honest here, and it’s either the LDS Church security officers, the gay couple, or a combination of the two. I’m not even saying that anyone is blatantly lying, either. It’s also possible that actions or points-of-view on both sides have been subject to misinterpretation. And since this is a case of “he said”/”he said,” it’s not likely we’ll ever know the full truth of what occurred. In reading updated information on what occurred, here in The Salt Lake Tribune and here in The Deseret News, everything is not as clear cut as I felt it was in my previous entry. In the original story, Derek Jones said he and Matt Aune were walking home, holding hands, and said, “Matt paused to say something to me and hugged and kissed me.” In the police report, the reporting officer says that Matt “said they sat down and he gave Derek a kiss,” which is also what The Deseret News reports. When the couple was on the news, Matt demonstrated how he kissed Derek, which was just a kiss on the cheek, but the Tribune reports that it was a “kiss on the face,” and the Church’s statement is that the couple “engaged in passionate kissing” and “groping.”

In the Tribune article, Matt Aune says, “I guess they consider hugging groping. Regardless of if a kiss is on the cheek or on the lips, it still is not inappropriate -- unless you are gay, according to the LDS Church.” So was it a kiss on the cheek or a kiss on the mouth? Was it a short peck or was it sustained, passionate kissing? Were they on their way out of the plaza or did they stop to take a break or, as some have accused, were they even baiting church security or trying to make a statement? Had they had a simple drink or were they intoxicated? Were the guards justified in their actions or were they overzealous and insensitive? Do the answers to these questions matter?

It is fairly clear to me that once asked to leave the plaza, the gay couple (or at least Matt, as far as I can tell) became belligerent and uncooperative and did use profanity. It is for these reason they were detained, perhaps manhandled, and eventually cited. Some people are saying they were arrested or handcuffed or “slammed to the ground” or cited because of the kissing incident. No, they were detained and cited for refusing to leave (i.e. trespassing). Now whether or not I agree with the Church’s rules on the private plaza or whether I agreed with the sale in the first place (for the record, I didn’t), the fact is the city of Salt Lake did sell it to them, and they now own it, and they can create or enforce whatever rules they see fit, I suppose. Some of these rules include no sunbathing, no skateboarding, skating, or bicycling, no profanity, and no inappropriate behavior. The couple was evidently using profane language and was also refusing to leave the property, so that’s why the cops were called and why the couple was cited for trespassing. I’m fine with that.

If the couple was making out, and it wasn’t a simple peck on the cheek and holding hands then I also would say the LDS Church isn’t being discriminatory because I know straight couples have been asked to stop and/or leave for the same reason. However, if it was a case of hand holding and a peck on the cheek and that was it, then I disapprove of the way the matter was handled because it does seem discriminatory to me.

Although I am all for gay rights, my gut feeling at this time is that I’m leaning towards believing the Church in this matter. I find it hard to believe the Church would come out with such a statement if they didn’t know they had something to back it up. I’m not sure, but I would suspect they have security cameras on the plaza, and if they have reviewed the footage, they would have a leg to stand on in this case. I also sense that the story subtly changes the more we hear from Derek Jones and Matt Aune, which doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence.

Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying church security handled this incident as well as maybe it could have nor do I think there is even a problem with two men kissing in public. I also strongly feel that no matter what happened, members of church security did show a great lack of sensitivity and perhaps ignorance in the matter. To say the kissing itself was “unwanted” or “gross” or that they (security) “don’t come to your house and make-out on your property,” quotes that have been stated in accounts from the police report, Derek Jones’ own account, and news stories, well, I do think that shows a lack of sensitivity.

I also can understand why the gay couple was upset. While some anti-gay individuals say that the couple should have either known better or that they were, in fact, baiting the LDS Church or making a statement of some kind, it would certainly not be beyond the realm of possibility that this is a couple who simply love each other who were coming home from a fun night, forgetting in the moment where they were and simply were showing the same affection for each other that a straight couple might. It was late at night, and there were few, if any, people on the plaza. I think if they had really wanted to make some sort of statement, it would have been more effective to make if there had been more people around. But I’m not denying there is the possibility these two guys were on the plaza saying, “Hey, I love you. Won’t it be great if I show that love in the one place I know it will piss people off?” I tend to believe they were just having a good time and weren’t necessarily thinking about where they were or if their actions would have negative consequences, and when confronted, they became understandably defensive.

No matter what happened, I think there was poor behavior exhibited by both parties (i.e. Church security and the gay couple). Both did things that I feel make the Mormon church and gay people or gay rights activists, respectively, look bad.

And if Church security isn’t being fully honest about the situation, and it comes out, boy, is that going to be big trouble for the LDS Church.

My main opinion on this story is that I don’t think there is anything wrong with displaying one’s affection publicly, whether one be straight or gay (although I am not interested in seeing public make-out sessions from either homosexuals or heterosexuals), and although I don’t agree with the Church’s views on homosexuality, I also think that as the owner of private property, they have every right to dictate whatever rules they like and ask people to leave if they aren’t following those rules. For example, I have friends who smoke marijuana, and if they wish to engage in that activity, that is their right, but I wouldn’t be comfortable allowing that activity in my own house. Granted, marijuana is illegal and homosexuality is not, but I hope you get my point.

I do think if the Church applies completely different standards to heterosexual and homosexual couples, that can get into a dangerous area. Whatever the rules are, I think they should apply to all equally. I also think the Church would do well to say exactly what those rules are since at the moment, some of them seem vague to me. And I do think it’s very possible that Church security treated this couple differently because they were gay, even if they insisted that wasn’t the case. If that is true, and I actually believe it is, I think that’s wrong and contrary to the spirit of what Christ taught.

One thing that has really bothered me about this issue is the backlash I see in the comment boards on the websites of The Deseret Newsand The Salt Lake Tribune and in letters to the editor and in other articles I’ve seen. I saw this same behavior during the Prop. 8 debate and when Chris Buttars made ignorant remarks about gay people.

I am continually disheartened by what I see as an undercurrent of hatefulness and ignorance. These issues have really shown me the ugly side of people on both sides of the issue. It genuinely saddens me to see people on both sides of the issue treat each other with such contempt and viciousness. I believe it is possible to disagree on an issue, whatever it may be, and still maintain civility, decorum, and respect.

I remember when Senator Chris Buttars compared gays to radical Muslims, said we were the greatest threat in America, and compared our sexual practices to pig sex. At that time, many in the Utah Senate defended Senator Buttars, and there was a letter to the editor in the Tribune that said:

Had the anti-gay comments by Sen.Chris Buttars, R-West Jordan, been directed at blacks, Jews, women or Mormons, he would have been forced to apologize and resign immediately. These groups all share a common thread with the gay lesbian bisexual transgender community -- they are not the same as everyone else, and it isn't a matter they had any choice in. They have different beliefs, colors, lifestyles and means of creating a family unit. These differences don't make any of them a threat to America. It's hatred and lack of acceptance that are the greatest threats to society. Buttars embodies both of these values.
When the rest of the Utah Senate stand behind their colleague and his right to serve, and admit that they agree with some of his statements, but refuse to say which ones, they all need to be called out ("Buttars asks: Why should I apologize?" Tribune , Feb. 21). These people represent all of us to the rest of the world.
Living on Planet Utah has become an embarrassment.

Lisa Viehweg

Holladay

I agreed with the writer of the letter at the time (still do). What I didn’t agree with (as is often the case when I read the comment boards on the Tribune's site and (although less often) the Deseret News) is the name-calling and childish behavior exhibited by many of the commentors. I don't care whether you're for gay rights or against it; whether you believe homosexuality is a sin or whether you think there's nothing morally wrong with it; resorting to name-calling, insults, and mean-spirited behavior is uncalled for and, frankly, counterproductive.

Among the things I read at that time were the generalized statement that all Mormons hate gay people; a query as to whether Chris Buttars' wife has to get drunk and put a bag over her husband's head in order to stand having sexual relations with him; the insinuation that bigotry against Mormons is justified, but against gays it isn't; disparaging personal comments against a particular letter writer simply because she disagreed with homosexuality (the letter writer basically called her a hateful bigot who had no soul and compared her to Hitler (happily, those comments were removed)); sarcastic comments about the temple garment; accusations that Mormons can't think for themselves, etc.

Over at the Deseret News site, I read comments that equated homosexuality with bestiality, incest, and pedophilia; accusations that the gays were coming after your children; accusations that homosexuals are weak-willed and moral deviants; accusations that gay people are "godless" or don't love god; calls to leave the state of Utah if you don't like it here; labels of gays being "children of the devil," etc.

With this new plaza controversy I have read much of the same: terrible and ignorant words full of hate directed towards Mormons by anti-Mormons and gay activists and terrible and ignorant words of hate directed towards gay people by members of the church I used to belong to and still love and carry a great deal of love and devotion towards.

I just find all of this insulting and ignorant behavior so counterproductive and completely contrary to what I believe Christ taught. I have to say that the pro-gay rights people whose remarks I have read seem to be full of more vitriol and mean-spiritedness than the anti-gay rights faction (although I have read many remarks that are just plain ignorant and, yes, some that are just as mean-spirited as those of the pro-gay faction). The Tribune's comment boards are generally far more heated and nasty than the Deseret News (although I have also read many comments from Mormons that I find abhorrent). I know people supporting gay rights are angry, and they have every reson to be, but I find it so hypocritical of those demanding tolerance to be so intolerant themselves. Disagree all you want, but when you start making personal and generalized attacks, I think you become just as bigoted as the people you're accusing of being bigots. Don't think I'm excusing the anti-gay faction, either, because I'm not. I'm never seen such a self-righteous, hypocritical group of people than the ones who claim to espouse Christian beliefs while spewing hate and ignorance.

The bottom line is that neither group will ever convince the other to even listen to their point of view if they can't discuss the issues civilly. Have you ever worked retail? When a customer is yelling at you and calling you names and insulting you, does that make you feel more prone to help them? It certainly didn't make me feel that way when I did retail. I was far more inclined to help people that treated me with courtesy and respect. It's the difference between a civil debate and a heated argument. Yelling at your spouse and digging at them is less apt to solve communication problems than if you discuss a sensitive matter with each other in a calm, respectful manner. Disagree all you want, but no one will ever listen to you if you're insulting them or things that are important to them. Gay rights are important to gay people, and Mormonism and Mormon beliefs are important to Mormons. If one group picks at the other and insults the things most precious to them, do you really expect them to listen to you or even respect you or your opinion?

I have a pretty good knack (although not perfect by any means) of being able to see things from other people's points of view, even if I disagree with them. Take Chris Buttars, for example. I do not defend his actions by any means. I find much of what he says distasteful, and I think he can be very ignorant about many things and say things in a very tactless way. I do happen to think that he is a bigot with some very prejudiced and uneducated views about certain things such as race and sexuality. I think comparing gay sex to "pig sex" or comparing homosexuals to Muslim extremists is very distasteful and wrong. I believe his assertion that gay people are the "greatest threat to America today" is uninformed and terribly biased. I think his use of "the gays" or "the gay" is uneducated. I think many of his ideas are antiquated. But one thing he said was that gays are the meanest people he has met, and if he gets the kind of letters from the pro-gay faction that I imagine he gets, I can see why he would draw that conclusion. If more of us would be kinder, it might not make a difference to Buttars, but at least it would prevent us from stooping to his level. When we use insults and foul language and nastiness, we become exactly what we accuse him of being. How does that make us any better?

Should Chris Buttars have been reprimanded? Do I wish we would resign or be relieved of his position? Does he need to take responsibility for actions which are tactless and even hateful? Yes, yes, and yes. But he is still a human being (admittedly, one I do not care for), and whether he is a distasteful human being, I still think I would rather take the high road and treat him the way I wish he would treat me than call him names and insult his wife (who my mom works with at the temple and who my mom says has been nothing but nice to her). A man in my ward was once close friends with Chris Buttars. He does not agree with his manner of expressing himself, and found the situation I referred to so sad. I don't hate Chris Buttars, although I do pity him, and I do wish he could see past his prejudice and get to know the people he thinks he hates.

I wish that for all people. I wish anti-Mormons could get to know the good, decent Mormons and see that there are some really good, kind people in that religion. I wish the anti-gays could really get to know the good and kind gay people and see that there is a lot of good in them. I wish church security had been kinder to the gay couple. I wish the gay couple had been kinder to the church security members who stopped them.

You know, a friend of mine calls me a “conundrum.” I suppose he’s right. I am openly gay and have been in a relationship with Jonah for over three years, and the two of us recently had our commitment ceremony in December here in the great state of Utah. I’ve also recently been excommunicated from the LDS Church. But I was also raised Mormon and still love my religion very much and still attend my ward every Sunday I am able to. My bishop and stake president were both aware of my relationship and always showed great compassion in regards to my being gay and my relationship with Jonah. The members of my family, all who are active Mormons, have been nothing but supportive of me and welcoming of Jonah.

When I tell people this, there are some who don’t understand why I would choose to still devote my time to a church that preaches against homosexuality and which is viewed as one that actively fights against gay rights. I don’t expect people to necessarily understand. It’s complicated. All I can say is something I’ve said repeatedly in this blog: that my religion has made me as much the person I am today as my sexuality has, and I owe some of my most positive values and traits to both. I understand very much what it’s like to be caught in the middle; to be on both sides of the fence. I very much support gay rights, but I also maintain a great deal of loyalty to my religious beliefs and the church to which I still feel I belong.

I think so much of the bigotry, hate, and intolerance that exists in the world arises out of fear, ignorance, and misunderstanding. Whether you’re prejudiced towards somebody because of their race, their sex, their sexual orientation, their religion or lack of it, their political beliefs, or what-have-you, I think the root of the problem is failing to at least try to understand somebody and their points-of-view. Granted, some people make that difficult to do at times, but I think so many of the problems we have with prejudice have to do with a failure to understand one another or when we’re so locked into our own position that we can’t even be moved to try and see someone else’s.

From my own experience, I think there are many Mormons (and other Christians, too) out there that are so locked into a certain belief system (a kind of warped Christianity (it’s certainly not the Christianity I know)) that they become hypocritical, judgmental, prideful, and self-righteous. On the flip-side, I, of course, know many Mormons and other people of Christian faiths who are loving, compassionate, humble, and nonjudgmental individuals. I have many of them in my life and am inspired by their great examples. I know many gay people who are in loving, committed relationships who simply want the same legal rights that are afforded to others. On the flip-side, I know some irresponsible gay people who engage in practices that are dangerous to others and themselves, and I also know gay people who are more intolerant than the people they accuse of being intolerant towards them. I know people who are social drinkers and are very responsible when it comes to their consumption of alcohol, and I know people who abuse alcohol, and a good friend of mine is in prison right now because he accidentally killed someone due to that abuse. I know Democrats and Republicans who can civilly discuss issues with one another and who try to work together for the common good even if they don’t always agree on how to do it. On the flip-side, I know Republicans and Democrats who are far more interested in being right than in solving problems and will go out of their way to thwart a good idea simply because the opposite party suggested it. I know many fine people of different religions and ones who have no religion whatsoever who are good, morally upstanding people simply trying to live the best lives they can and, hopefully, help others do the same. I also know people who just attack and ridicule those who have a different belief system than they have without ever trying to get to know them at all.

My point is that we all as human beings come from different backgrounds, cultures, and belief systems. None of us is perfect, and we all do things that annoy someone else. Somehow we have to learn how to live with and understand one another without infringing on each other’s rights or beliefs. Of course, there is no easy answer to how one does that.

I think the danger comes when we stereotype each other based on the actions of some, even if it is a perceived majority. I think it is important that we see each other as individuals rather than as generalized collectives. That’s what I try to do in my own life, although I am, admittedly, not always successful.

I know I am naïve in some ways. I am an optimist, even when circumstances appear dire or frustrating. I truly believe in the innate goodness of people even when people are doing hurtful things to one other. I know I have a very idealistic “Pollyanna-esque” view when I ask why we can’t all just get along. I know this. But I suppose I would rather be that way than pessimistic, apathetic, or/and cynical.

Well, this post turned out much longer than I had anticipated. I guess I had a lot to say. Congratulations if you made it this far.

Something On The Lighter Side

So I've got my mom hooked on one of my favorite TV shows, "Lost," and each episode (at least in the first couple of seasons) deals with a different character's backstory and how they came to be on the plane that crashed on the island and what their life was like prior to the crash. For example, we find out one guy was an interrogator in the Iraqi army; one girl is an escaped convict; one guy is a con man hunting the man he feels is responsible for his parents' deaths; one guy was bringing his estranged father's body home for his funeral, etc. So my mom says to me, "Everybody's backstory is so interesting and intricate. If I had been on that plane they'd just do a flashback of me sitting on the couch watching reruns of game shows on the Game Show Network and saying, 'Gee, it might be fun to take a trip,' and that would be it."

Made me laugh! Maybe you had to be there, but it truly tickled both of us. We just couldn't stop laughing at that image for a few minutes.

I love my mom!

This Really Chaps My Hide!

I don't get let the gay vs. church issues upset me very much, but this news story really chapped my hide:

As reported in the Salt Lake Tribune and The Deseret News and a first hand account from one of the men involved.

My issue is not with the fact that they were cited for trespassing, but that they were singled out in the first place. Once the gay couple became argumentative and refused to leave, Church security was within their right to handcuff them and call the local police. What I really have issue with is the enormous double standard that exists here. First of all, it was about 10:00 or 10:30 PM, as I understand it, and few people, if any, were on the easement at all. Secondly, the couple was on their way home, and all they were doing was holding hands, and then one man gave his partner a peck on the cheek. That's it! If there are rules against public displays of affection on the Church-owned easement then why do I often see married couples and couples who are dating being allowed to be affectionate with each other in public on the Church Plaza without any repercussions? Heck, you see lots of couples just married in the temple kissing each other on the plaza. So why aren’t they stopped for such behavior? Because they are straight, that's why!!

You know, even if this couple had been making out or involved in blatantly sexual behavior (heck, I don't even want to see that publicly from straight people) on the Plaza, maybe I could understand. But they were holding hands and one guy gave the other a simple peck on the cheek. You can see a demonstration of this on this news feed (found under "Couple Detained for Public Affection", if you like. I'd be willing to bet a lot of money that if a straight couple had done exactly the same thing, Church security would not have bothered them at all. Making out, maybe. Hand holding and a cheek peck, not a chance.

I just think the security guards used extremely poor judgment. Even if they didn't agree with the couple's behavior, wouldn't it have been easier and less of a public relations nightmare for the Church if they had just let the hand-holding, cheek-pecking couple pass through on their merry way instead of making an issue of it? The couple wouldn't have had to get defensive (as I feel was their right), the security guards wouldn't look like complete assholes, and the Church wouldn't have yet another reason to look bad in dealing with homosexual issues.

As noted in the above articles, the Church issued the following statement regarding the incident:

"Two individuals came on Church property and were politely asked to stop engaging in inappropriate behavior-just as any other couple would have been. They became argumentative and used profanity and refused to leave the property. They were arrested and then given a citation for criminal trespass by SLPD."

The couple "became argumentative and used profanity?" Agreed. The couple "refused to leave the property?" Agreed. They trespassed and, therefore, were cited for it? Agreed. They were "asked to stop engaging in inappropriate behavior-just as any other couple would have been?" Excuse my language, but bullshit! A straight couple never would have been stopped for the same infraction. Would even two Italians men or French men have been stopped for a cultural greeting where they kiss each other on the cheek? Perhaps, but not as likely. It's such a double standard, and it makes me so angry!

At the very least, I think these security officers could use some sensitivity training. And for a church that ardently tries to cultivate an image of being welcoming, loving, inclusive, and Christ-like, I think this incident makes them look very bad.

Now the couple is banned from Church property for six months. For trespassing, yes, but all stemming from the fact that they were stopped for hand-holding and a peck on the cheek. Absolutely ridiculous! I'm glad in this world of famine and war and homelessness, we're protecting people from behavior from two people who love each other and simply express that love in the same way their straight counterparts do.

I remember when the whole controversy happened when the city sold this tract of land to the LDS Church in the first place. I was troubled by it then, and I am even more troubled by it now.

Ach! This whole thing really burns me up! Sorry for my language.

Blood Brothers and Validation

A very good friend of mine who I have written about here, here, and here is in town this week from the show he is touring with, and we got together to catch up and talk.

I've commented before how interesting it is how our lives have kind of paralleled. Unlike me, my friend was married to a woman, but mostly our paths have been very similar in many ways. Both of us were very strong in the church while we were in the closet, both of us are actors, both of us eventually came out and found someone we loved and wanted to be with, both of us have been excommunicated, and both of us retain a positive relationship with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. One thing I love about my friend is that he really relates a lot to what I have gone through and what I continue to go through. He's someone I can really talk to about Mormon and gay issues who understands my point-of-view and experiences and relates to them well. I also find it interesting that each of our partners is not LDS but comes from a very Christian background. I just love talking to my friend. We really share a lot of common ground. He was also very supportive and understanding just prior to my church court, and that was very helpful.

He asked about my commitment ceremony (since he was unable to attend), and I told him about it. We talked about his tour (I gotta get on one of those - he is making some very good money). And, of course, we discussed gay and Mormon issues and our experiences with excommunication. It was just so nice to share stuff with him, and it’s just really nice to have a good friend who’s traveled a similar road who understands.

We talked about how supportive our families have been. I know his dad has had a hard time with it, but he seems to slowly be coming around, and that was nice to hear. It was so much fun to see him, and it was just nice to catch up with him. Like the show we were in once upon a time, we really are “blood brothers” in a lot of ways.

I also discussed how odd it's been getting used to not wearing garments. He said it took him a while, too, and that he still wears an undershirt (as do I), but we also discussed our love of sexy underwear, so that was fun, too.

What I loved most is that both of us seem very healthy and happy, and for that I am grateful.

I am happy to report that since I was excommunicated, my life has changed very little. I still do what I've always done and certainly feel no loss of spirituality or presence of my Father in Heaven in any way. In fact, in some ways I feel like I'm even more perceptive spiritually. Weird. Not what I had necessarily expected, but I feel very grateful.

I had an interesting experience in church on Sunday. It was testimony meeting, of course, and it was a good meeting. At one point a man I did not recognize at all, but who has apparently been in the ward for some time, got up to bear his testimony. One thing he said was that he was thankful for the members of the ward who had had a positive influence on him by their friendship, teachings, and testimonies, and as he said this, I got the distinct impression that I was one of the people he was specifically referring to (even though I did not know this man at all). Just as this thought came to my head, the man said, "I remember, for example, a testimony this man in the purple shirt [referring to me] gave a couple of years ago that really had a positive influence on me at the time. he really said some specific things that were very helpful to me during that time." As he pointed to me I kind of smiled, and my bishop saw me smiling and smiled at me as well. I don't know, for some reason it just made me feel validated. After all, the person I was two years ago isn't much different than the person I am now, and if the testimony I think he was referring to is the one I think it is, my homosexual issues were very instrumental in causing me to say the things I said back then. It just reminded me that I did (and continue to) have a positive influence on people. Excommunication has not erased that or my relationhip with the Father or Christ. It’s funny, you just never know the influence you have on anybody.

Another interesting experience I had the previous Sunday (which I thought I had already written about, but I don't see any reference to it in my previous posts) was that it was high council Sunday, and two of the men on my disciplinary council were the speakers that day. As I think I mentioned in my post about my church court, I had asked my stake president if I could still sing in the ward choir and was told that I could. Well, it so happened that on high council Sunday the choir was to sing, and in between the two men's talks, I came on the stand to join the choir and smiled at both men knowing full well they remembered who I was. Like Jonah said to me, it was almost a silent protest in a way. It was my way of saying, "Look! I'm still here! I'm still doing all I can, just like I told you in my church court! Excommunication isn't stopping me from being the best Mormon I can be, even if I'm no longer a Mormon on record!" It felt good. Another form of validation, I guess.

In Sunday School that day I found it ironic that the teacher talked about those things that cause Satan to deceive us, and he shared a couple of stories about people who had been excommunicated from the Church who rebelled against it and became some of the Church's greatest enemies. That isn't me, and I don't intend it to be me. I've said before that I don not feel deceived. I don't see how the peace and joy and love I've felt in abundance in my life could come from anywhere except from God. And it's like my friend and I said to each other tonight, neither one of us feels any bitterness or anger towards the Church like some of our friends do. You always have a choice, and he and I have both decided that our circumstances will not alter our love and positive feelings towards the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Last Monday we had a surprise birthday party for my mom's 70th birthday. We invited a bunch of her friends from many different periods in her life. She was so surprised and so overwhelmed by it all. It was so much fun to see the joy in her eyes, and it was something she continued to talk about for days. As part of the celebration she received a book that contains photos from the party and letters to her from people who were there as well as those who were unable to attend. It was such a great party.

As part of the entertainment, I made a list of 70 things I love about my mom and told some stories relating to some of those things. She loved it. It was not hard to make such a list. There is so much I love about my mother. One thing I truly love about her is that she loves me just for who I am and loves Jonah as well. She has been one of my greatest advocates. I am truly blessed.

Life is really good. I do wish I knew where I'll be working come September, but other that that, things couldn't be better, and even as far as my job future is concerned, I feel confident that something good will come my way. Heavenly Father has blessed me so much and continues to bless me, and I know that He is looking out for Jonah and me. One thing I am grateful for is that no job will allow me to go back to Vegas and spend some time with Jonah. That, in itself, is a fabulous blessing.

Final Notice

It's been two weeks since I was excommunicated, and things have been good. I did receive the letter today. I knew it was coming, but it was still hard to read. I won't post the entire letter, but I'll just give the highlights.

I was told that I had been excommunicated and that I could appeal the decision if I felt there were errors or unfairness in the ruling. Then it said:

"You are no longer a member of the Church and do not enjoy any privileges of Church membership. You may not wear temple garments or pay tithes and offerings. You may, however, attend public Church meetings if your conduct is orderly, but you may not give a talk, offer a public prayer, partake of the sacrament, or participate in the sustaining of Church officers."

I think this was the hardest part of the letter for me. Even though it's been two weeks since the decision was made, and even though life has gone on just as before, and even though I do not regret the decisions that brought me to this point, to see it there in black and white somehow made it seem so final and, admittedly, left me with a profound sense of sadness. I was not sad because I felt regret or remorse. I was not even sad out of a sense that I had failed in my duty as a member of the church. I was just sad that I'm no longer a member of a church I still love very much. It just hurt to know that I've been "kicked out of the club," so to speak.

Look, don't get me wrong. Whatever your attitude towards the Church and its stands on same-sex relationships; whatever your attitudes towards homosexuality, the fact is that as it stands right now, I violated the covenants I made. I broke the rules. Am I happier than I was when I was living according to those rules? Yes. But I did break the rules that were set before me, and so I do not fault the Church or its leaders for the decision to excommunicate me. I'm not a member because of my own choices. There are those that say that the Church needs to change its rules regarding homosexuality. That's not for me to say, nor do I know what the future holds as far as this issue and the Church are concerned. I just know that as it stands now, I did something that merited excommunication. So I am blaming no one. I'm simply saying that after years of belonging to something and working hard to live true to that, it just made me feel sad to know that I am no longer a part of it officially (although as I've repeatedly said, no one can stop me from belonging to it in my heart, nor do I think it's possible for me not to belong to it).

The letter next said,

"Let me reassure once again that this council did not reach this decision lightly. The Lord’s plan of salvation provides a way for all of Heavenly Father’s children to regain his presence, and to that end there are covenants and commandments governing our conduct in this life that all are expected to follow. For reasons you explained at length during our counseling together and during the council’s hearing, you have chosen to go a different way and have thereby become subject to the consequences outlined in this letter. This is a necessary step in the process of repentance, and a spiritual protection for you as you struggle with these feelings. We still love you and consider you our brother in Christ..."

I think that's all valid. Next I was encouraged to keep doing the things I've always done such as read my scriptures, pray daily, maintain contact with my leaders, continue to have faith in Christ's atonement, etc. I was also encouraged no to let this experience embitter me, and my Stake President made the comment, "This has clearly been a long and exhausting struggle..."

I was also, of course, encouraged to repent and do those things which would enable me to come back into full fellowship again. This was to be expected. As I've said, if that means giving up Jonah and the happiness I feel with him, I simply am not willing or able to do that. I can't go back to the way life I was pre-Jonah nor do I have the desire to.

And then, of course, my Stake President told me I could call him any time if I had any questions or needed assistance or counsel. He's a good man.

I actually felt inspired to write him the other day. I wrote:

"Dear [President],

"I felt impressed to write you a letter. First of all, I want to thank you for all the help and counsel you have given me and, most of all, for your friendship. I also wanted to apologize for the difficult position in which I must have put you and the other high council members at my disciplinary council. I know just as it wasn’t easy for me, it couldn’t have been easy for you or the other men in that room. I know it was a hard position to be in, and as [my neighbor], my mom, and I commented to one another while we were awaiting the outcome, we were not at all envious of the position you were in. I know my actions are partly to blame for that, and so for that I apologize.

"I want you to know that I love and care about you very much, and I feel the same from you, and I want to assure you that that will never change. I also wanted you to know that I am doing very well. The week after my hearing, I went to church as I usually do, and I felt such a reaffirmation from my Heavenly Father assuring me that He is well aware of my individual situation, that He knows I am doing the best I can, and that I need not fret about my future at this time. I have felt an enormous amount of love, peace, and happiness.

"I will admit it is strange knowing I am no longer considered a member of the church on record, but nothing can ever stop me from being a Mormon in my heart, and as you and I have discussed, nothing can excommunicate me from my Father in Heaven, my Savior, or the love they have for me.

"I cannot explain to you just why I feel I have to make the choices in life I am currently making while still maintaining a testimony as to the truthfulness of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I can’t really explain it to anybody. But I have felt such a happiness in my life since making these choices, and I have felt an assurance that this where I’m supposed to be in life right now. I know my Father knows my heart, my testimony, and my spirit, and thus I am at peace. I do not know what the future holds, but this is where I need to be right now.

"You are a good man, [President], and I consider you a friend. I’m sure as someone who holds stewardship over a great many people, including me, you worry about your 'flock.' And that’s okay. That is appropriate. I just wanted to tell you that I hope you won’t let my situation weigh too heavily on your heart. I also hope you won’t put any blame on yourself for what has occurred. I don’t know that you do; but if you do, I’m telling you not to. I don’t know why things are the way they are, but I feel that both you and I have done the best we could do as far as this particular circumstance is concerned. Most of all, I just want you to know that I am doing fine. I’m still doing all the things I’m able to do. I had a great day at church on Sunday (even though I was expecting it might be awkward or uncomfortable; it wasn’t at all).

"Please be assured of my love and my appreciation for all you have done for me. I know the Lord is very proud of you and all you do in His service.

"Take care.

"All my love,

"[Cody]"

I do not know what his reaction was when he read it, but I did receive a call from his executive secretary today saying he wanted to meet with me. Unfortunately, I am not able to meet with him today as he was hoping because of work conflicts, but I'm hoping to meet with him soon. I want him to know I am well, and I also want to know that he is well.

Anyway, just thought I'd give you all an update.

A Father Knows His Children Well

You might think my first day at church after being excommunicated might be awkward or uncomfortable or depressing, but "au contraire, mon frère!" Truth be told, I had a perfectly lovely day at church today.

I will admit that as I approached my wardhouse, I felt a feeling of weirdness, but as soon as I entered the chapel for Sunday School, things seemed just as ordinary as they always have. One of the guys on the very council that excommunicated me (and who is also a good friend who always sits behind my mom and me during Sunday School and Sacrament Meeting) greeted me as always with absolutely no indication that anything was amiss. I sat down and listened to the lesson as I always do and listened to the comments. It was a lesson about what things we should devote our time to learning. It was pretty good.

My neighbor who testified in my defense the week before came up to me and said she was happy to see me there, and I thought to myself, "Yeah. Of course. Where else would I be? This is where I belong," and I just felt a feeling of ease and peace.

In Sacrament Meeting, a girl I taught some time ago in Primary was the Youth Speaker. At the time I taught her in Primary, her parents were having some marital problems and were going through a separation. She was quite an insecure girl and was in great need of a father figure, and she kind of adopted me as that person. It was a role, I admit, I was reluctant to take at the time, but I did. Now her parents are together again (in fact, her dad teaches the very Sunday School class I just mentioned), and she has grown into quite a confident young woman. It warms my heart to see that and, again, I was reminded of the good I have done in this church.

Her father then spoke about his own father and also spoke of how much Heavenly Father knows us as individuals and that he is aware of our individual situations and knows our individual hearts. I felt like much of the talk was directed at me by a loving Heavenly Father once again letting me know that he knows my very situation and that all is well.

There was a lovely violin number in between the talks, and then my former bishop gave a terrific talk about following Christ and also reaffirmed what was said in the previous talk about God knowing our individual situations and how all He expects from us is that we do the very best we can, and again felt Heavenly Father telling me that He knew I was doing my best. It was just an awesome day and an awesome reminder of how much my Heavenly Father cares about each one of us (and specifically me, in this instance) and how He knows exactly (and I mean exactly) what each one of us is going through.

Another thing happened that was a great reminder of that. There is a lady in my ward I have known my whole life. Her husband died a couple of years ago, and every time I've seen her since then, I have felt great concern for her. I kept feeling prompted to write her a letter telling her I was concerned about her, but I kept ignoring it because I wasn't quite sure what I would say in the letter. Finally, about a month ago, I felt the Spirit practically smacking me upside the head to write this letter, and this is what I finally wrote to her:

Dear [Sister],

I’m sure this will be a strange letter to get. I am not sure why, but you have been at the forefront of my mind these past few weeks. When I see you at church, I have felt very compelled to write you, and I have no logical reason for doing so. I can only assume the Spirit is directing me to do it. At first, I just ignored it, but I have felt more and more compelled to write you, and so I have finally decided to act on it.
All I can say is that is that I have thought a great deal about you since [your husband] passed away, and for some reason I have been concerned about you and am hoping you are doing well. I realize it has been nearly two years since his passing, but I do think about you a lot. I assume one reason for that is that my own mother is a widow, and I know that even though she sees her kids and grandkids quite often, there are still times when she feels lonely and rudderless. I know she sometimes feels the pain of an empty nest. I am currently home with her now, but am not often home because of work, and I know she gets lonely and bored and pines for the times she shares with her children and friends. That may not be the case with you at all. Perhaps you are doing great. But I simply wanted you to know that having seen my own mother’s experience, I know the loss of a spouse and having children move away can be a challenge.
I guess all I want to say is that I have been thinking about you and hope you are doing well. Like I say, I’m not sure why I have felt so worried about it, but I have, and every time I try to ignore those feelings, I feel more and more prompted to drop you a line and just let you know that someone is thinking about you and cares about your well-being. I’m sure you have many people in your life that feel that way, and you’re probably doing just fine, and I don’t know that my words are even necessary. But like I said, I feel (and have felt) prompted to write to you, and I knew if I didn’t do it, it would keep eating at me.
I’m sorry if this letter is awkward, and I hope that I am not out of line writing it to you. I feel kind of dumb writing it. I just wanted to convey my love to you and let you know that you are not alone. [Your husband] was a great man and a good example, and I’m sure you must miss him just as I know my own mother still misses my dad who’s been gone 17 years now. I know it gets easier with time, but the temporary separation from one’s eternal companion is a difficult thing, even when you know you will eventually be reunited. I just wanted to remind you that you are not alone and that Heavenly Father is very much with you and looking out for you. I’m sure you already know that and don’t need me to tell you that, so take these words for whatever they might be worth to you.
I hope you are well.

Sincerely,

[Cody]

She wrote me back a few days later saying:

Dear [Cody],

Since I don't often get a chance to talk to you in church, I wanted to let you know how kind it was of you to share your thoughts and feelings with me. Thank you for following the spirit and bringing a spirit of peace to me, for I have indeed been through a very difficult time these past several months.
It always makes me feel good when someone shares a thought or remembrance of [my husband]. So thank you for your kind words and for the message that I truly needed to hear.
With gratitude,

[Sister]

I've seen this sister at church several times since this correspondence, but it was today that she came up to me and once again thanked me for my thoughts and said how much they had meant to her. She looked so happy today (whereas some days I have seen a sort of sadness and loneliness in her). It all reminded me that the Lord knows exactly what she's going through just as He knows exactly what I'm going through and how He works through other people to help each one of his children. Her thoughts, my neighbor's thoughts, the talks I heard, the high councilman's greeting, etc. were all ways my Heavenly Father let me know He's just as with me as He's always been.

You know, Jonah and I were talking the other day about how even though I've been formally excommunicated from the Church that the Lord is still with me and hasn't withdrawn His spirit from me (at least, that hasn't proven to be the case with me), and he brought up the fact that if being in a homosexual relationship was so awful, the Lord would have withdrawn his spirit from me a long time ago, and yet just relatively recently he chose me to help this woman in my ward. He could just have easily chosen another ward member, but he used me, and thank goodness I was willing to (finally!) follow those promptings.

I do not feel any loss of Spirit at all. I do not feel that my relationship with God has diminished in any way. He is a loving and merciful being, and I am grateful for His enduring love and for a great day at church.

I am currently reading a really good book about the Puritans called The Wordy Shipmates by Sarah Vowell. I highly recommend it. It's a history of the Puritans, but told in a very light-hearted way and includes pop culture references and social commentary. I'm really enjoying it.

One paragraph struck me. In it, she's talking about John Winthrop, governor of the particular colonists she is writing about. She is talking about the idea of predestination and writes the following:

"Winthrop and his fellow Calvinists believed in the doctrine of predestination. Since God decides everything, God decides whether a person will end up in heaven or hell before the person is even born. The people who are going to heaven are called 'the Elect.' This is God's own aristocracy. And if that sounds like some frolicsome foxhunt, understand that to be a Calvinist is to be the Duke of Discomfort or the Duchess of Fear. Because here's the thing: How does anyone know? How does anyone know if he's saved? He can't. What he can do is work, try, believe, repent, love God, and hate himself. The diligent, hardworking, and pious are the 'visible saints.' If a person seems saved, odds are he is saved. Thus, he will spend every waking hour trying to seem saved, not just to others but to himself. Because if he says or does or even thinks heretical things, isn't that just proof he was never saved in the first place?"

This paragraph got me to thinking about how we as Mormons sometimes are so worried about all the things we're doing in this life to achieve exaltation in the next, that we seldom find the joy on the journey we're on and instead feel guilt or unworthiness for all the things we're doing wrong instead of appreciating and rejoicing in the things we're doing right. There are certainly remnants of Puritanism to be found in our religion. I spent a good portion of my life trying to live up to a certain ideal and feeling terrible about myself because I was unable to. I finally feel like I'm living life on my own terms instead of somebody else's idea of what I'm supposed to be. Wrong or right, living this way has brought me a great deal of happiness, joy, and freedom, and I think things are working out well. Whether I'll feel that way in the next life remains to be seen, but I've decided that instead of stressing about what I have to do to achieve a great reward in the next life, I'm going to enjoy the journey I'm on right now and just live the best life I possibly can. That doesn't mean I'm not continually trying to improve myself or progress, but it does mean that I'm not beating myself up anymore when I fail. I've decided it's a better way to live...for me, at least.

And Now...A Word About Garments

Not wearing garments has taken a bit of getting used to. I always feel like I'm not fully dressed. I feel naked without them. It's odd.

It's ironic. Before I got my temple endowment in 1991 and started wearing garments, I always slept in just a pair a briefs. I liked it. At the time, I thought wearing garments would be impossible to get used to. Frankly, I like wearing as little of clothing as possible. I get hot pretty easily, and I also find that the less I'm wearing, the more free and more comfortable I feel. If it were socially acceptable, I'd be probably go around naked (or at least in my underwear) if I could.

When I started wearing garments, it did take some getting used to. Now, after 18 years, it's become a habit, and now I'm finding it's hard getting used to not wearing them. On the other hand, now that I'm sleeping in just my briefs again, I am reminded how much I enjoyed it before (although I certainly don't have the same physique I had then). I do enjoy the freedom of being almost nude. I suppose I could sleep in the nude if I so desired, but as I've told Jonah, I don't enjoy sleeping in the nude; too much stuff hanging out and getting in the way. I need some support. ;-)

I bet this post is more information than any of you wanted to know.

Since I've been excommunicated, I have tried to find the humor in it or the bright side in it. Sleeping in just my briefs is one of those things. Being able to wear designer underwear is another. And poking light fun at it is still another.

Example: the other day Jonah and I were at a store together, and a nice man waited on us. After we bought our stuff, I commented to Jonah that I was really struck by that man's spirit; that he just seemed like a really nice man. I said, "Sometimes you can just tell that somebody is good by the spirit they convey," and Jonah jokingly said something to the effect of, "He's probably one of those Mormons," and I said something like, "I can't tell. They took my decoder ring away when I got excommunicated. And all those toaster ovens I earned converting people."

Sometimes you just have to laugh about it.

I won't lie. It's odd not being a member on record. It seems unreal. But, overall, my life remains the same. I'm still living the same life and have the same spirit I did before I was excommunicated.

I was mowing the lawn yesterday, and that was a good time to just think. And as I thought about it, I just said to myself, "I couldn't have done any better than I was doing, and I'm not willing to go back to the way my life was before I found Jonah and came out. God knows my full heart even if nobody else necessarily does."

I have no regrets.