Two Steps Back

Well, today I was the mean son again.  Mom tried everything she could to get me to take her home: guilt, pleading, bribery, persuasion, logic, threats, etc,  She said if I really loved her, I'd take her home.  Little does she understand that it is precisely because I love her that she is where she is. 

She said she could come live with Jonah and me.  When I said that wouldn't work, she said I could just drop her off at her home on the way to my house.  When that didn't work, she said she'd get my sister and her husband to let her live with them.  ---sigh---

She said we were all mean for making her stay there and said she thinks she's just going to sneak out one day.  I told her to please not to and later told the attendant to be warned that Mom was planning her escape.  I'm so glad there are two doors with coded locks she'd have to get through to escape.

Mom says there's nothing wrong with her.  It's so hard to reason with somebody who neither recognizes the problem they have nor has a clear grasp on reality.

She tells me her memory is fine.  I ask her what city she lives in or whether she remembers being in the hospital.  She can remember neither.  I say, "See, Mom, this is what I'm talking about."

When I tell her I'm going back to my home and that my niece and nephew are moving out of the house, and therefore, she'll be alone, she says there are other people she lived with (there aren't.)  I tell her they aren't there either.  She doesn't care.

When she asks how she got here, I tell her about the hospital again.  She asks who brought her here.  I tell her it was my younger sister.  "Yes; she doesn't like me."  I've never heard her say that about my younger sister ever.  My sister adores my mom and has always had a good relationship with her.  But today, Mom seriously thinks she's out to get her.

I play Trivial Pursuit with Mom to take her mind off of escaping.  One of the questions is, "Where was the first atomic bomb detonated?"  The answer is "New Mexico."  But Mom thinks and says, "It's where [your brother] lived, up in the hills."

"Sandy [UT]?" I ask.

"No, it's where he used to live.  During the war."

"What war, Mom?"

"World War II?" she guesses.

"Mom, [Patrick] wasn't even alive during World War II.  You were a little girl when that war ended, remember?"

She looks puzzled.  "Yes, but [Patrick] is older than me," she responds.

I'm feeling very glad she's in this place.

"Mom, [Patrick] is your son.  You gave birth to him.  He came out of you.  You're older than him."

A look of realization comes across her face.  "Oh, that's right." 

By this time she has forgotten what the question even was.

Jonah and I think it would be so fascinating to see the world as Mom sees it.  The thing about dementia is that Mom's reality is just as real to her as mine is to me.

Yesterday was such a good day for her, but today, as I feared, she is not doing as well.  It's good she's where she is.

I talked with the staff today.  We might be able to get her moved to another room.  I looked it over; it's slightly bigger, has a better view, and isn't right next to the kitchen.  If it isn't too much of a hassle and if there's no charge, I'd like to move her.  I think it will be better.

Mom wanted me to take her basket of clothes to her home with me so it will be there when she gets out.  When I again implored her not to try any escapes and said it would be dangerous, she told me she thought she knew how to get home and described the way she thought she would go.  There's no way she'd ever find it.

I can't blame her, but I sure hope she starts getting used to staying.  I hope she starts enjoying it.  She's says it's boring, that there's nothing to do.  She had the same complaints at home, and frankly, I'd rather her be somewhere where she is well-monitored.

I said goodbye for the last time in a while.  I'm heading back home tomorrow.  The weather may be a bit dicey.  I'm hoping not.  I kind of wish yesterday had been our goodbye.  She was much more pleasant.  That would have been a nicer memory to hang on to.

My brother no longer wishes to serve as trustee over Mom's trust.  It's gotten too stressful for him.  I called Mom's attorney today.  He'll draw up a document relieving my brother of his duties and putting me as the new trustee.  I wish my brother weren't so stressed by it.  It would be easier for him to do some of the trust duties in Utah than it will be for me in my state.  But I don't mind doing it.  I'm a bit of a control freak anyway; I think I'll be better suited for it than my brother.

A family advocate put us in touch with a lawyer who claims he can save some of Mom's money from being used before Medicaid takes over.  I'm not sure how this is possible.  It seems those who approve Medicaid are pretty thorough about penalizing anyone who tries to circumvent the system.

I am intrigued, however.  I'm interested to see what he says.  I wish I could stay in town longer to talk to him face to face.

Anyway, that's where we stand.  Perhaps tomorrow I'll share the story of the Miracle of the Elliptical Machine.

Choices and Into the Woods

I wrote an email to my brother in response to his letter. This is what it said:

First of all, I want you to know I really do appreciate your honesty, your thoughts, counsel, and advice. I know it comes from a place of love and genuine concern for my spiritual well-being. And I know you are concerned that the choices I'm facing right now will have serious effects on my happiness and salvation.

Believe you me, I know my choices don't just affect me. I know the consequences of my choices will have repercussions on the lives of everyone I touch. I've always thought "It's A Wonderful Life" is a good example of the effect we have on other people, even when we are not fully aware of it. I have told mom in the past that if it were just about me, if my choices only affected me, I would have come out of the closet a long time ago. But I realize that my choices don't just affect me. They affect your lives as well, and I've always feared the reality that my choices would affect my family and friends' lives in a negative way, and I have never wanted that. Believe you me, I am not out to hurt anybody or disappoint anybody or wreak havoc on the lives of a family that I dearly love.

And I am not looking for approval. I know I won't receive (nor did I expect to receive) that; not with the strong testimonies that you have. And I have always admired you for cultivating your testimony in such a way that it is so strong that you know you must ardently defend your beliefs. I wish I were that way. While I believe my testimony has been strong in many ways, I've also always felt that I've been kind of a wishy-washy, half-hearted member of the church. And I guess the reason for that is no matter how active and spiritual I have been, I've just never been able to reconcile the gospel plan with many of the feelings in my heart.

That doesn't mean I don't believe the Church is true. I know that must sound contradictory in way. But what I mean is this: I have tried so hard my whole life to do the best I can to live my life the way God has commanded me to, and I just don't know that I'm strong enough to do it anymore. I don't know whether it's because I don't have enough faith or that I don't have the determination or the true desire or the will-power or what, but God is commanding me to want a lot of things that I just don't seem to want. I have no desire to marry a woman, and I have little desire to be alone for the rest of my life. But I also don't want to hurt anybody, and I know that if I make the choice to be with Jonah I will inevitably hurt some of the people I love very much. You talk about the many hearts I will break if I make this decision. I suppose I can't argue with you that that is a reality. But what about my heart? It seems like my heart breaks every day no matter what choice I make.

There have been numerous times in my life when I just wish that the Lord would release me from this mortal coil just so I don't have to deal with this anymore. Please don't misinterpret that to mean that I'm suicidal in any way because I'm not. Not at all. I just wish that I didn't have to deal with this anymore because it seems that no matter what choices I make in my life regarding this issue, someone's going to be unhappy. And no matter what I do, I'm going to feel bad. I'll feel bad if I hurt those I love, and I'll also feel bad because I'm trapped in a life where I'm commanded to live one way and yet I don't feel that's who I really am at all. I feel like I live a facade every day of my life and that I'm unable to express what I really feel without the fear of being judged or condemned for it. I put on a brave face all the time and do what I'm asked to do, and yet I feel like I'm living a lie; that I'm trying to be someone I'm not. And I feel like because I'm commanded to live my life in a certain way, I will be alone for the rest of my life, and it just doesn't seem fair or right.

I know life isn't meant to be fair. It's a test, and we're all asked to endure until the end. But this soldier is very battle-scarred and weary, and I just fear I don't have it in me to fight anymore. And Alma is right: "Wickedness never was happiness," which is why all this is so confusing to me. Because in many ways I feel happier than I've felt in years. In fact, since I've been here at [college], I have felt so happy and so fulfilled, and my relationship with Jonah has brought me such joy, and I can't understand why if it's wrong does it feel so right. Perhaps I am under Satan's influence. Well, if I am, he's very good at what he does. I sometimes fear I'm just one of those "honorable men of the earth, who [is] blinded by the craftiness of men."

Perhaps you're right, maybe if I wasn't involved in the career I am, things would be easier and I wouldn't cross paths so readily with people who are more accepting of these things. But God gave me certain talents, and the theatre is where I am the happiest and most fulfilled in my life. I can't imagine what I would do with my life if I couldn't do what I am doing, and quite frankly I feel so much more accepted and at home with my theatre friends than I do just about anywhere else. I feel like I belong here, that I fit here. That I can just be who I am rather than put on a mask all day.

I said before that I would never wish this struggle on anyone, but I do often wish my loved ones could walk a lifetime in my shoes. The only people who really truly understand what people like me go through are people who experience this struggle first-hand and Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. Other people can empathize or sympathize, but they can never know what I truly feel in my heart just as I can never truly know another person's heart. Heavenly Father knows my heart better than anyone else. I am trying to do my best to please him.

I'm just so weary of fighting, and no amount of scripture-reading, praying, or church-going seems to make the battle any easier. I've found somebody I really love who loves me and it's hard to keep an eternal perspective when I have someone who makes me so happy right now. But I haven't made a decision yet, and Jonah has been so good about letting me work this out and is trying very hard to understand where I'm coming from with my religious views and is being very patient and knows fully well that I may continue on the path I've been on all these years. I know that's what you all want for me, and I respect that. It's just such a difficult battle and a tiring one and one that often doesn't seem fair or just or even worth it sometimes. I wish I didn't feel that way. I really do. I love God and I love my religion and I love my family. But I love Jonah, too, and everything doesn't seem as black and white as all that to me right now. Things just don't make sense sometimes. If God said you couldn't be with [your wife] anymore, I imagine that would be very difficult for you. You might argue that He wouldn't ask you to do that, that it would be contrary to his plan; likewise, I don't understand why God would ask me to do something that seems so contrary to my nature. But knowing you, if God did ask you to give up [your wife], knowing you, you would probably be obedient enough that you would. Would I were that strong and obedient myself.

I'm sorry that this isn't what you want to hear. I truly am. And if I do make the decision to give up certain things to be with Jonah, perhaps I will be giving up my birthright for a mess of potage. I really don't know anymore. I honestly don't mean to be selfish, and I hope you can forgive me if I am, but I feel like I've been living my life to please other people for so long, and I don't know if I can do that anymore. And I'm fully aware my actions and choices have repercussions on the lives of those I love, but I also know that ultimately it is I, and I alone, who must face God at the last day and account for my own actions and endure the consequences of those actions, whether they be good or bad. What I do know is God loves me and ultimately, whatever I decide, I have to be at peace with it. And if I make mistakes, I will have to learn from them. That's what life is about, I suppose.

Again, I truly do appreciate your love, support, advice, counsel, and prayers. I really do. I suppose I need them now more than ever. I do love you. That will never change. And I'm glad to know that you love me and that you will never give up on me. That's what Christ does, too. You are a good example, and I am thankful for that.

I love you so much.

Your brother,

Cody

Jonah and I went to see Into the Woods Friday night. It is one of my favorite musicals. The original Broadway production actually came out in 1987, when I was still in high school and struggling with these feelings a lot. I came out briefly in 1990, three years afterwards. But I remember these lyrics, which were thought-provoking to me back then and which I was reminded of again Friday night:

Do you know what you wish?
Are you certain what you wish
Is what you want?
If you know what you want,
Then make a wish.

But how can you know what you want
Till you get what you want
And you see if you like it?

All I know is
What I want most of all
Is to know what I want.

Although how can you know
Who you are till you know
What you want, which you don't?
So then which do you pick:
Where you're safe, out of sight,
And yourself, but where everything's wrong?
Or where everything's right
And you know that you'll never belong?

Must it all be either less or more,
Either plain or grand?
Is it always "or"?
Is it never "and"?

Just remembering you've had an "and,"
When you're back to "or,"
Makes the "or" mean more
Than it did before.
Now I understand...

Those are actually lyrics from four different songs, but there is a common thread through just about every song in Into the Woods about choices and learning and experiences. I could write a whole paper on this show. In fact, I often thought about doing a thesis on it. My graduate program doesn't require us to write a thesis, though, so that will have to be for another day. In any case, I often wonder why we have to think of it as you can either be gay or you can keep your religion. Isn't there some way to do both? For some, they choose to follow the teachings of the church and remain celibate. For others, they choose to act on their gay feelings but still have a good relationship with God, even if their standing in the church itself has been compromised. Ultimately, one has to decide what will make them happiest. I've tried for many years to stay true to the teachings of my church and not act on my homosexual feelings. Although in many ways it has brought me happiness, in other ways I have felt completely unfulfilled. I often wonder what it's like on the other side of the fence. Perhaps I won't find happiness there, either, but on some level I feel I'll never know unless I try. What I do know is that I've been very happy and fulfilled with Jonah lately, and if that is wrong, I guess it's wrong. But it feels so right in so many ways. My only regret is that if I choose to be with Jonah, I will hurt some members of my family and some friends. But I also have to realize that this is my life, and as long as I am at peace with my decision, whatever that decision may be, I can't really worry too much about how it affects others because it's really up to them how they choose to react.

Anyway, I guess that's all I have to say for now.

More Responses

Here's the latest reponse to my email. This one's from my sister-in-law. It's pretty much what I predicted she'd say:

Dear Cody,
I will love you forever. My heart breaks hearing of the struggle and
trials you have been called on to face. I do not pretend to know how you
feel but at the same time I know that everyone carries their own secret
heartache and will be tried to their very core. I do not know one person
that is not struggling for their soul in one way or another. Life is hard.
It is a test. I know the only safe way back to our Father is by keeping
your covenants. We also know that the reward will be far better than
anything we can now imagine. Please, keep your covenants.

I know of the love you have for the Lord. I also know that you know that
the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true. You know it! Today in institute class
[our teacher] spoke of why the Lord doesn’t seem to answer our prayers when
we want him to. He spoke of being young and wishing he would have died when
he was 7 yrs and 364 days old. He didn’t think it was fair that they would
inherit the Celestial Kingdom and he would have to work so hard for the same
place. He struggled with these thoughts for years and when he was on his
mission a GA came and interviewed all the missionaries. He was given the
chance for one question which he asked why it was fair for children to go to
the Celestial Kingdom when he had to work so hard for the same place. The
GA tapped his knee in a loving, grandfatherly way and said, “Now don’t you
worry. Everyone in the Celestial Kingdom will deserve to be there.” (This
was no answer at all.) Years later when he was in his late 40s, he was
driving to work and thinking about the lesson he was preparing for
institute; the true way to pray. To really pray, he learned, we must pray
and ask the Lord what we should pray for. He realized he had never prayed
like this before. So as he was driving he started praying. “Lord, what
should I pray for?” The answer was immediate. “You should pray and thank
the Lord that you did not die when you were seven. Life is so beautiful
with all of the lessons you can learn. You learn what joy, happiness, pain
and sorrow are. All the life experiences you have are a gift from God.
Experience is a gift.” He realized that at 20 he did not have enough
experience to be as thankful for the gift of life as he should be, nor did
he at 30 or 40. He had to be old enough that he could look over his life,
the good and the bad. He had to be far enough away from the events of his
life that he could be an impartial judge on his actions for good or bad and
what he learned. He realized that he did not have a HOLDING SPACE for the
answer. Life had to teach him and create that holding space so the Lord
could place the answer in his heart.

Cody, what have you learned from your struggles? From the outside, I
think you have learned compassion and not to be judgmental. What else have
you learned?

I think you are at hero time. What, you may ask, is hero time? It is
just at the point of the movie where the hero feels like he has nothing left
to give. He is defeated and usually ready to quit. But something deep
inside will not let him quit. It is really exciting because so much is
riding on this decision. The choice made either makes you want to stand up
and cheer or sigh. We all relate to him because we all get to this point in
our own lives. You are now at this point of time.

The confusion you face comes from the world and the worldly viewpoints. You
are a beloved son of God. He knows you and loves you and wants you to
return to him. You are not in any way a bizarre science experiment. You
are being asked the question that we all are asked, who and what do you love
the most? Our lives are the answer. We each are asked to sacrifice all that
we have for the Lord. It comes in different ways but we each are asked in
our own way. You are strong and valiant. I can’t imagine what it must be
like to be 34 and still searching for my eternal companion. I am praying for
you.
Love.

[Your sister-in-law]

Here's part of my response to her:

Hey,

Thanks so much for your email. I appreciate your love and concern very much as well as your input and advice.
I was especially impacted by this quote from your letter: “Life is so beautiful with all of the lessons you can learn. You learn what joy, happiness, pain and sorrow are. All the life experiences you have are a gift from God.
Experience is a gift.” I know this is going to sound odd and contradictory to the gospel plan, but the more I pray about this issue, the more I feel I am supposed to have these experiences with Jonah and that perhaps I will learn something valuable about happiness and my relationship with the Lord because of it. It doesn't make sense to me in context with what I have been taught, but the message I seem to be getting from the Lord is that He just wants me to be happy and that if I feel happy with Jonah then that's what I need to do and things will work themselves out the way they're supposed to.
I also feel that no matter what kingdom I end up in in the afterlife, it's where I will belong and be happiest. I still haven't made any firm decisions yet, and I know this response may disappoint you, but it's what I'm feeling.
I know that you are very concerned for my spiritual well-being and that you don't want me to do anything I might regret (either in this life or the next), and I truly appreciate that. But, ultimately, I will be the one who has to make this decision and live with its consequences, good or bad, and right now my heart is telling me that everything is going to be okay.
You asked what I've learned from my struggles. Yes, I have learned tolerance and compassion towards others. I've learned that life is not black and white; there are shades of gray everywhere. I've learned that the Lord loves and will always love me no matter what (just like you guys seem to). I've learned to exercise faith (but I've also learned that maybe I don't have enough faith to do what is required of me). I've learned that love can be exhibited in different ways. I've learned how much my family and friends really love and care about me. I've learned that being honest is more helpful than holding things in. I've learned that life really is a test. I've learned other things, too, but those are just a few.
I love you so much, and I appreciate your thoughts and prayers more than you know. I also know that if I do make the choice to be with Jonah that it will upset and concern you, and I don't wish to do anything to cause you pain, but I do appreciate that you care for that much. I know you will always love me, and I thank you for that.
I have some hard decisions ahead, but all I can do is do my best and trust that what I've done is for the best.
Love you lots,

Cody

And here's my brother's response, which I also predicted would turn out this way:

Cody,

This has been a struggle for me as well as you. First and foremost know that I love you, the Lord loves you and we always will.

I'm going to be blunt so be prepared.

It sounds to me like you already have made your choice and maybe are looking for our support in this decision. My opinion is that you are giving up a lot for what you view as happiness. In no way do I support this decision and the Lord does not condone it either. I think we have all supported you, but not this decision. I do not want to skate around the issue and hate to be preachy, but feel you need to hear it or that I need to get it off my chest.

It will break many hearts if you continue down this path and break your covenants. We will all live with the consequences and not just you. Of course the Lord wants you to be happy and so do we, but wickedness never was happiness as Alma points out.

You ask why God put you in each other’s paths. I don't believe God is necessarily responsible for everyone we meet. The environment you have chosen to put yourself in has lead to that. With your career you have made choices that allowed these paths to cross. There has been some inactivity and possibly lack of feeding your spirit. Some plays you choose to be a part of do not allow the spirit to be present and may even cause a loss of having the spirit. You have a choice to change your environment and get out of the situation. I know that could be difficult, but is an option. It saddens me that you would be willing to go to another kingdom other than the Celestial. Thankfully we still have the atonement, but it would be better if we didn't need to go down that path. I'm happy to see that you still have time to make a choice in this matter and hope it is a wise one.

President Benson said, “The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The world would take people out of the slums. Christ takes the slums out of people, and then they take themselves out of the slums. The world would mold men by changing their environment. Christ changes men, who then change their environment. The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature. … Yes, Christ changes men, and changed men can change the world. Men changed for Christ will be captained by Christ. … Men captained by Christ will be consumed in Christ.”

Cody - Even the most valiant fall when they have placed themselves in the wrong situation. You can run like Joseph or linger like David.

Again, I do love you and will continue to pray for all of our struggles. I won't give up on you!

[Your Brother]

I actually appreciate my brother's response. I'm glad he's not sugar-coating anything because I do know this decision does affect everybody in my family, not just me, and I know this would be particularly difficult for him. And I know he has a very strong testimony of the gospel and is only interested in what he perceives to be my happiness. And he may very well be right.

I just know I have fought this for a very long time, and this soldier is weary of fighting. We'll see what happens.

Jonah and I went out to eat last night. We had a really nice talk. I'm feeling more comfortable with the idea of finally coming out of the closet and being with him. It won't be easy at times, I'm sure, but I'm feeling more at peace with the idea.

I held his hand while we drove home and we kissed each other on the cheek as we said our goodbye. It's nice to be in love again.