Love, Simon

Well, hey gang! How's everybody doing? It's been a long, long time since I posted. My sister was telling me the other day she wished I would blog again, so I thought, "What the heck?" I can't guarantee I will blog with any regularity as I once did, but I will blog today.

It's not that I haven't had anything to blog about these past couple of years; I'm just lazy, quite frankly.

So Jonah and I went to see the movie Love, Simon today.

If you don't know the film, it's about a young high schooler who is gay and struggling with coming out. He develops an anonymous online relationship with another closeted gay student and it's basically about him coming to terms with who he is.

I really enjoyed it. I've read it's the first mainstream studio teen romantic comedy with a gay protagonist. Frankly, it would have been nice to have a movie like this when I was a young whipper-snapper. It's still tough for kids to come out of the closet, but man, it feels like it would be easier than when I was young or when those before me were struggling with their sexuality.

The lead character of Simon is played by Nick Robinson, who I remember fondly from a popular series of Cox commercials a few years ago.

I really found myself getting emotional during much of the film. There is one moment (spoiler alert) where he tells a friend he is gay, and it is the first time he says it out loud to another person, and I started crying because I remember all too well that feeling of unburdening myself of something I had held so deep inside for so long and how wonderful and scary it felt to finally release it.

Another character, after learning Simon is gay, tells him (and I'm paraphrasing) that it was like he had lived so many years of his life holding his breath and now finally he was able to exhale. I thought that was such an apt metaphor. My friend once told me it was like like I had been living my whole life in black and whit and now it was in color (also a great metaphor).

The movie itself at first reminded me of those 80s comedies I loved so much in my youth (The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink, Say Anything, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, etc.) but really turned into something poignant and meaningful. I think anybody who is gay and struggling or anyone who has a gay family member should see it.

What I liked, too, was how it approached just the concept that all high school students are at that age where they are trying to find themselves and know who they are. This one just happened to be gay. I also liked how realistic much of the film felt and yet how positively it treated the subject. The movie reminded me of so many facets of my life I experienced myself in dealing with my sexuality.

I thought Nick Robinson was very good in the role. Really, I liked the whole cast. I was very touched by the film and am glad I saw it.

But it also reminded me of where I once was and where I am now. Man, I'm so much happier and freer than I felt as that high school kid I once was. I wish those who fear homosexuality could see a film like this and understand what it's like to be on the other side.

Anyway, I recommend seeing it.

Changes

Well, I'm officially starting my last week of graduate school. It's hard to believe that I only have 32 weeks of school left. That seems very short, and with as quickly as the last two years have flown, it'll be over before I know it. It's a little scary to think about what comes next, but it's a good "scary."

So this has been an extremely interesting week. I found out a few days ago that a very good friend of mine who I've known for about ten years is going through almost exactly what I'm going through. He's been an active Mormon for years and is truly one of the best people I know. But he's met a guy he's gotten serious with and seems ready to explore the relationship even if it means distancing himself from the Church. I really felt a great deal of empathy for what he's going through and even admiration for taking the road less traveled.

He's gone through a lot this year. Two years ago he got married. I was saddened that it didn't work out because they are both great people, and I'm sure they've both had a difficult road to travel because of these issues. At the same time it just reaffirmed in me that maybe people like us just aren't meant to get married and that maybe there is more joy to be found for us in a homosexual relationship. At this point, neither my friend nor I know the answer, but we both seem to be in a place and frame of mind where we feel it's worth a shot.

I find it really odd and kind of trippy that we both happen to be dealing with this same stuff at the same time and even trippier that we've both been dealing similar issues as long as we've known each other, but didn't know it. But it's really nice to have a good friend to share things with who's going through similar things, and I hope he feels the same way. I also feel that my friend is one of the best people I've known, and if he and people like us are indeed going to hell or some lower kingdom, then at least I take comfort in the fact that I will be there with a lot of people I love.

What my communications with him have caused me to do, though, is to slowly, once again, creak this closet door open. I've told several of my friends at school about Jonah and me. They've all been enormously supportive, and everyone seems really happy for this. I think it's because they know both of us well and know our characters and know we're good for each other. Most importantly, I think they just sense how happy we make each other. As one friend said, "I just love both of you so much. I'm so happy for both of you."

What's cool is I feel like I can be honest about this relationship, and I'm not so worried about what people think anymore. Here where I'm going to school, it's easier. Most of my friends aren't LDS and are pretty supportive of gay relationships anyway. But they do all know how important my religious beliefs are to me and no that this is not a road without its complications.

In Utah it would be harder to be as open about things...at least to some people. I imagine that's the road I am headed down, though. I actually want to share a quote from an email my friend sent to me, but I'm waiting to for him to give me his permission. But some of things he said really helped me understand the choices I feel I must make at this juncture in my life.

I really find it no coincidence that my friend and I are going through similar stuff right now. I really think God is helping me forge the path I'm supposed to take right now.

It's nice to be back in town near Jonah again. We're both have differing schedules, but I'm not worried about it. I think things will be all right.

The other night Jonah and I were making out and I went a little farther than I had intended. Nobody's fault, but I did feel a little guilty. But it did make me realize that I would like to formalize our relationship (whether a marriage or civil ceremony or what-have-you)) before we have sex. Jonah is fine with that. He is amazing. He really is.

Recently I was more stressed out than I have been in a long, long time (about a lot of different things), and I'm not one who tends to get stressed out very easily. But anyway, I didn't have a lot of time, but I went and had dinner with Jonah on his work break, and he just made feel so, so much better, and I thought as I was driving back home, "This guy just makes me feel great. He brings out the best in me. I just can't believe this could be wrong."

I've really been thinking about a future with him, and it feels good. I can't believe I'm where I am in my life now. I wouldn't have thought I'd end up here. But I really like where I am. I feel really happy, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm with somebody I love, and, gosh, he loves me! I am amazed every day by how much Jonah really adores me. It's something I haven't had in so long, and I love, love, love it! And more importantly, I suppose, I love him, too. I think I'm good for him, and I think he's good for me. What more could I want?

I'm hoping the two of us can get married and move in together in the near future. It would be nice. I also think it would be good for Jonah to get out of his parents' house. They are driving him insane.

Jonah and I had a misunderstanding this week. It wasn't bad or anything, but I think there were hurt feelings. We totally talked it out, and everything is fine now. But what's cool about our relationship is we really talk things out and it's always in a very calm, collected way. We were discussing the fact that we've never had a fight. There may be an occasional disagreement or misunderstanding, but I cherish the trust and kindness that exists in this relationship. And, most importantly, I really feel Jonah is opening me up a lot. I've been so closed and so afraid to love or feel for so long, and I am just finding so many blessings; so much gold in this relationship.

I really think this is going to be a very good year.

Letter to Gayle

Here is an email I wrote to my friend, Gayle, and her response:

Hey Gayle,

I read your opinion piece recently in the Salt Lake Tribune, and I wanted you to know that I appreciated it very much. I've never told you this, but I actually deal with homosexual feelings myself, and although I have tried very hard to live my life according to the precepts of Mormonism, I find it increasingly difficult to do so as each year passes. The irony is that I still believe the Church is true; I am just wondering if maybe God has another path in mind for me right now.

These last two years while I've been away at college...have been very instrumental in my growth. I met a really great guy there who I love very much, and I am currently in the process of deciding whether to be with him permananently or whether I should stay true to my testimony of the LDS Church. As I'm sure you understand, there are no easy answers.

I have always, always appreciated your attitudes regarding this subject and have always loved how nonjudgmental you are about it. Of course, I know it is a subject close to your heart as it is to mine. It was refreshing and well expressed what you wrote for the Tribune. I truly appreciate it.

By the way, I have a blog I keep online (anonymously), and I reprinted your opinion piece (I hope that's okay). I don't know if you'd be remotely interested in reading any of my blog, but if you are, you can find it at http://gayldsactor.com.blogspot.com/

I'm still not fully out of the closet yet, so I would appreciate you keeping what I've told you confidential for now.

Thanks.

Love you and miss you

Cody



Oh, Cody, you made me cry! I'm so glad you read the op-ed piece and if it helped you in any way, then it's worth every hate letter I get! :) Actually, there has only been one negative response in the Letters to the Editor and one person mailed me a packet of material to convince me of the error of my ways. :) But we think the latter is from a woman who fell in love with my gay brother and never forgave him for not marrying her...because he is gay. Mind you, they were never a couple. She knew he was gay. Very strange. :)

I have had many, many positive responses. People in church on Sunday told me they appreciated the piece, agreed with me and thanked me for writing it. High profile, active LDS people in the community have called and expressed the same thing. People at work, all in agreement. And emails from strangers, families with gay members, who finally heard what they've been needing to hear for a long time. I am humbled and amazed at the response. One of my other brothers (I have a bunch of them) is the 2nd Councilor in his Stake Presidency in Rhode Island. When they received the "letter" from the First Presidency, he went to his Stake President and proffered his resignation, saying that he could not support the letter. His Stake President wouldn't let him resign, thank goodness.

As I tried to explain to my step-son, I have prayed for many, many hours about this. I have complete peace in my heart. I am not confused or struggling or in conflict. My patriarchal blessing claims I have the gift of discernment. I've relied on that gift my whole life. I don't understand why I should have such peace with my belief that homosexual relationships are not immoral. That position is so clearly in conflict with the church's position. And I'm guessing that there are church leaders who feel at peace with their belief that it is immoral. I don't know why we are getting different personal answers. Nevertheless, I can't deny that belief any more than I can deny my faith and belief in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. But I will some day meet my maker and I am not at all worried that my stands on homosexuality will even be discussed. I'll have to explain plenty of other things!, but not this.

I am so grateful for your friendship. It means so much to me. Thank you for writing to me and rest assured that I will keep your confidence. My best friend from high school came out of the closet about 16 years ago at the age of 35. Like you, he loves the church and the gospel. He served a mission in Guatemala. I'm going to direct him to your website. I'm sure he has insights that I can't even imagine. He has been in a committed relationship now for about 8 or 9 years, I think. He's an extraordinary pianist and I can't help but think what a loss it is to the church not to embrace and appreciate and love and accept so many like him and my brother.

Love you and miss you, too. Please stay in touch. Love, Gayle

Degrassi and Constitutional Amendments

When I was younger, one of my favorite shows was the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High. They showed it on PBS after school, and I really enjoyed watching it. I remember what I liked most about it was that it really seemed to deal with realistic and controversial subjects in a very real way, and I had never seen anything on TV deal with the subject matter this show dealt with in the "matter-of-fact" way that it did. At the time, I didn't realize it was Canadian, and was surprised that what I presumed to be an American series would portray teen life so realistically. I actually have the whole series on my Netflix queue, and hope I will enjoy it as much now as I did then.

When the TV network NOGIN came out with Degrassi: The Next Generation, I was excited that a new generation would be introduced to the same kind of daring stories I was introduced to at their age. I remember when it first came out, I tried watching a couple of episodes, and was surprised at how much more tame it seemed to be. However, having seen repeats of some of the episodes from the last five years, I am pleased to see that many of the stories seem to be just as relevant and hard-hitting to today's teens as the original show's stories seemed to me.

Anyway, I'm not a regular watcher of the current series, but every once in a while when they show repeats late at night (which is when I happen to be up), and there's nothing else on, I'll watch. I don't know too many of the characters, but one of the characters whose stories I enjoy watching is Marco, who is the show's token gay kid. Since I often see the episodes out of order, it is interesting to watch his story from different angles: his realization that he's gay, boyfriend troubles, coming out, acceptance and adjustment, etc. I just caught an episode the other night where he finally comes out to his mom after having accepted his gayness himself for about a year. It really was a touching episode, and I actually got quite teary-eyed thinking about the hard road so many teens have to travel in dealing with this issue and thinking about earlier in my life the times I came out to various individuals and how scary it was at the time and how nowadays it just doesn't seem like it's that big of a deal like it was then. Of course, that's hypocritical to say, I suppose, since I'm still very much in the closet with many people. But I don't have the same fear and angst as I did back then.

What touched me about the episode was his mom's reaction; not fully understanding, but loving her son so much. His mom's biggest issue (and my mom's as well) isn't so much that her son is gay, but the fear of how other people will negatively treat him because of his homosexuality. I just thought it was good. It was also a nice reminder of how much my mom really loves me. I remember before I came out to anybody thinking my mom would just hate me or be so disgusted with me, and now realize that those fears were completely unfounded. Does she necessarily understand or condone it? Not necessarily. But I am assured that she loves me just the same as she always has.

Being back in Utah has been weird. Not bad. Just unusual. I feel like I can be more open about who I am when I'm at school in a different state, but here I feel like I'm hiding again, which is odd since most of my friends would probably be okay with it. My ward fellow ward members, on the other hand, probably wouldn't be so okay. Or that's my assumption. And I know it's not that they would like me any less, but their assumption would be that I would be following the wrong path, and I know they would be concerned about my spiritual well-being.

I shouldn't care what people think, but I do. I've always been a people pleaser, and it bothers me when I feel I'm disappointing people. I know it's because of my LDS background, but I've always been taught to be a good example, and while I understand that living life as a gay man is not necessarily being a bad example, obviously in the Mormon faith it isn't being a good example of a what a good Mormon should be, and that bothers me. I think I'm a very good Christian, but lately I haven't been a very good Mormon, and when you're taught your whole life to be a good Mormon, and you're not being a good Mormon, that can be disappointing. But I know I'm a good human being and a good child of God, so I guess that will have to do.

I've been wanting to talk about the recent statement the LDS Church made regarding making our voices known in regards to the proposition of a constitutional amendment against gay marriage. Obviously, I am not surprised by the church's coming out against gay marriage, but it still bothered me that they read that statement over the pulpit because they're always claiming political neutrality, and I'm sorry, but that simply isn't true. I also thought it was an unnecessary action because the amendment was largely political and had little chance of being passed, and we already know the church's stand on the issue. It just felt like salt being poured in a wound. I bristled when they read it (and my mom noticed). It just made me sad and angry. It just seemed unnecessary to me.

The whole debate really gets on my nerves. I just wish the people who are against homosexuality and gay marriage could step in our shoes for one minute just so they would really understand what it's like to be on the other side. They still might not agree, but at least they would understand how it really feels and have a bit more compassion, I would hope.

In church today, they talked about King Saul and David, two people who started out good and then fell due to their mistakes, and even though I'm trying to rationalize my condition, there was a part of me that thought, "That's who I am. I'm forfeiting my kingdom because I can't trust God enough to do what I know is right." Then another voice said, "You've done your best. What more can you do? How long are you going to keep punishing yourself when you've got such good things in front of you. You'll get what you deserve, and you will still be happy." Then the other voice said, "You need to have more faith and just endure to the end," and the other voice answered, "How much more faith am I expected to have? How much more can I endure?" One thing that really resonated with me was that these men who "fell" were still really good people and that God knew full well how difficult life would be.

Anyway, I'm tired of always flip-flopping on this issue, and I'm sure many of you out there are as sick and tired of it as I am. There's just so much residue, and I'm never sure which voices to believe anymore.

I wish I was more emotional. I don't know why this wall is up so high or why I've subconsciously convinced myself that crying is not a good thing. Jonah will write me emails about how much he misses me and that he cries about it. I miss Jonah very much, but I don't cry. My mom's on a vacation, and I miss her, but I don't cry. Life holds many challenges, but I don't cry over them. And consciously, I'd love to cry. I'd love to have a bawling fit over something. But I don't. It bothers me sometimes that I'm so unemotional and rational and practical all the time. It makes me feel like I'm not fully living or feeling. And it bothers me that I only seem to love Jonah with part of my heart rather than all of it when I so much want to allow myself to love him fully. It's not fair to either of us. Someone like Jonah is just what I need. I love him a lot. I just wish I could feel more deeply.

Jonah's been busy with his job and I with mine, and so we haven't talked as much as we usually do, which we both miss very much. I know he's expressed how odd it is not to have my constant companionship, and I feel the same way. But things are calming down for both of us, I believe, and so hopefully we'll get more time with one another.

My acting job is going well. We've been in rehearsal, and we open pretty soon. It's not my favorite show I've ever been in, but I feel very blessed to be acting for pay and with people I love and care about.

Jonah bought me a very nice, unexpected gift. He's such a generous soul. What a great guy (and not just because of the present).

Out and About

Good day today.

Today in one of my acting classes, my acting teacher (who is gay) was talking about a character one of my fellow students is working on, a very stereotypical queen. In his speech, this gay queen says some very nasty things, and my teacher (who can be quite nasty in his comments himself) was theorizing that one of the reasons gay queens are so bluntly honest is that they spent so many years hiding who they really were before they came out that they are overly truthful afterwards, especially with other gay people. Whether this theory is true or not I don't care to speculate on, but it got me to thinking, "How long do I want to spend my life hiding behind this façade that doesn't really seem to be who I am inside?" Don't get me wrong. I have no regrets that I haven't come out prior to this relatively late age of 35 (well, technically, I did come out very briefly in 1990, but only for a few months and only to a few people). I mean, if I'd come out earlier in life I probably never would have met Jonah, and that would be a tragedy indeed. I'm also very grateful that I've had the life experiences I've had prior to this point in my life now. But, as I've insinuated in previous blog entries, maybe it's time to start a new chapter in my life; a chapter where I allow myself to love who I want to love, where I don't live with so much guilt for having the feelings I have, and where I can really be free to express who I am.

HawaiiDave's most recent post says, in part, "growing older doesn't bother me. I mention it as a wake-up call to struggling gays who keep putting off embracing their homosexuality. The longer you remain in 'struggling' mode, the shorter the time you'll have to enjoy life as a happy, content gay person. The years zip by, believe me. Life will pass you by.

So come out, already! Or at least take the next step, however small."

I mean, I'm 35 already, and time is already going by very quickly. I mean, maybe he has a point. And truth be told, I feel a lot more free in some ways lately than I've felt in a long time. I have somebody I love who loves me, and it's a blessing.

Today my friend, who I referred to in my last post, asked me again what's been going on with me. After fishing for a bit, he was able to guess what was up. He was very happy for me that I've found someone that I'm in love with, but also realized that I face some pretty big, life-altering choices. It was really good to talk to him. He said he was a little surprised, but not shocked by my revelation. He gave me a good piece of advice, which was, "I guess in the end you just have to follow your heart."

The fact that I told him my "secret," which is becoming less of a secret day by day, indicates to me that I'm getting ready to step out of the closet again, and this time for good, I would imagine. You know, I remember the first time I ever told somebody I thought I was gay and how hard it was and how guilty I felt and how full of self-loathing I was. And when I compare it to this, I think how okay with it I feel and how painless and easy it seems to be lately. That doesn't mean I don't realize it's not always going to be an easy road or that everyone I care about is going to necessarily be okay with it. But I'm not ashamed of it, and I get more comfortable with the idea of living my life in this manner the more people I tell.

Anyway, it's been a good day.