Quotable

-l- said: "I can't believe the immeasurable humanity I've read in blogs lately. Sure, the literary quality is variable, the syntax occasionally with something left to be desired (ha ha), but just look at the raw intensity of so many people sorting things out. Look at them looking at the situation with clever eyes, critical eyes, frightened eyes, brave eyes because it matters. Look at the serious tenor that underlines even the casual comments. After all, it is the one thing our human chemistry tells us matters more than anything else in life (even if such a message is disguised)."

Scot said: "It’s a problem I think we’re both hoping to end; when gays sacrifice so much of both their worlds they’re unable to find any peace in either."

Both quotes meant a lot to me. I'm not sure why. But I felt they were worth repeating.

My Ex-Girlfriend

So this is a long, sordid tale, but I will try to keep it as brief as possible.

In high school (which seems like years ago) I had a really good friend who I believe I have called Lisa in a previous post (so that's the name I will give her now). We were such good friends. I met her doing drama. She played Ethel Toffelmeyer to my Marcellus Washburn in The Music Man. I gave her a hard time when we first met (good-natured teasing), but we soon became very good friends. We did You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown together as well. At this time in my life I still wasn't sure about my homosexual feelings, and she and I dated.

When I went to college, I eventually confessed that I was gay. She was so supportive, and I will always be forever grateful for that. We still hung out and did stuff together, and I will always cherish the wonderful times we had together.

Eventually, I gained a testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and put away my homosexual inclinations (quite successfully, for a time) and served a mission for my church. I realized I was falling in love with Lisa. But she had a boyfriend on a mission and was waiting for him, so I was content just remaining friends. Things fell apart with the two of them, and she decided she was in love with me as well. She was my best friend in the world at that time, and I was looking forward to spending eternity with her. We decided to get married once I returned from my mission.

Out of the blue (and I mean completely out of the blue) she called it off and said she had met someone else and was going to marry him. Nobody understood her decision; not me, not her family, and not mine. She had only known the guy a couple of weeks, and all of a sudden she was dumping her best friend of five years for a virtual stranger. It didn't make sense. I was both completely shocked and heartbroken. I felt like a cruel joke had been played on me, and I didn't understand why things were happening the way they were.

Eventually she did marry this man. We still retained our friendship, and when I returned home we hung out some more. Needless to say, her husband was not terribly thrilled with that. But as I talked to Lisa, she seemed to feel unhappy in her marriage and told me she had made a mistake letting me go. I told her I was sorry, but she had made her bed; now she needed to lie in it. I never wanted to cause marital problems for Lisa and her husband. I simply wanted to retain my wonderful friendship with her. It became obvious to me that Lisa's husband was having a hard time with our friendship, so I stepped back somewhat. Eventually, I moved out of state. Lisa and I still wrote one another, but it wasn't the same. I could never understand why Lisa couldn't be her husband's wife and my friend at the same time.

Because Lisa dumped me, I also had self-esteem issues as far as relationships were concerned. I felt I had done something wrong or that there was something wrong with me for Lisa to suddenly call off our engagement with little explanation as to why. Even Lisa said she didn't understand why she had made the choice. I had an incredibly difficult time getting over her. For the good of her marriage, eventually our contact diminished, and I was so sad to lose my best friend.

Just as I was making progress getting over her, she called me out of the blue and wanted to reconnect. It took me aback, but I was grateful for the contact. However, the next time I called her, her husband and her cousin (at different times) prevented me from talking to her. I thought they were keeping me from her, but soon I received a letter from Lisa herself revealing something I had never known about her: she had bi-polar disorder, and it sometimes caused her to make abrupt, irrational decisions. She had only been diagnosed with it for a couple of years, but it had affected her most of her life, unbeknownst to her. Suddenly I realized why she might have called off our engagement so suddenly and without rational cause. Suddenly I understood why she did some of the strange things she did. And suddenly I realized that her husband and cousin weren't trying to keep me from her, but trying to protect her from herself. It was like the last piece in a jigsaw puzzle that I had never been able to solve was finally put in place.

Lisa revealed to me that her illness had caused a lot of problems in her marriage and in her personal life. She told me that calling me out of the blue to reconnect must have seemed strange, and she blamed it on her illness. She said that she knew I wanted her to be happy and that for the sake of her personal mental health and marriage, our friendship had to remain in the past. She apologized for any grief she had caused me over the years and asked for my forgiveness. And finally she asked me (very kindly) to step out of her life and hoped I would forgive for that.

Letting Lisa go was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Losing that friendship was a great loss to me. At the same time, that helped me achieve closure, and I was grateful for that. I promised myself and Lisa and her husband that I would never bother them again unless Lisa asked me to come back into her life. It was a difficult thing to do, and I missed her a great deal, but I kept that promise for eight years. I thought about Lisa often and wondered what she was up to. I admittedly wondered if she ever thought about me. One day about four years ago my sister told me she had seen Lisa and her mom in the store where my sister works. She asked how she was doing, and Lisa told my sister she had kids. That was hard to hear second-hand, especially because Lisa and I had shared so much at one time. What was harder was I asked my sister if Lisa had asked about me, and my sister said she hadn't. I was crushed that not only had I lost my best friend, but that she hadn't even cared enough to ask how I was doing.

My other contact with Lisa was through the Internet. I Googled her name about two or three years ago just out of curiosity and found an online family history her family was keeping. In it, I discovered that Lisa had four children and that she and her husband were living in Lehi, Utah.

But I haven't seen, spoken, or communicated with Lisa in eight years...until two weeks ago. I finished doing my show, and as I was leaving the building, a college friend that I hadn't seen in nearly 15 years, said hi. It was such a pleasure to see her after such a long time, and I met her husband, and we reminisced a bit. Then we said goodbye, and I headed for my car. Suddenly I heard a voice yell, "Cody!" and I looked and immediately recognized my ex girlfriend. We hugged, and she said she had been at the show with her parents and brother (who I was disappointed hadn't stuck around to say hi as well). It was such a trip to see her. She looked the same except she had dyed her hair. I had always fantasized about what I would say if I ever saw her again. Frankly, I had all but given up hope that I would, though I always hoped God would give me a chance to see her again. I'm sad to say I didn't say much, except to stutter like an idiot. I was just so surprised to see her. We hugged several times, and I met two of her kids (who I think were slightly freaked out by the fact that mommy kept hugging her ex-boyfriend). I said I had missed her so much and thought of her often, and she said the same thing, which made me feel good. It never really occurred to me that our separation was just as painful to her (although that seems like it should have been obvious). Anyway, I asked about her husband, and Lisa said he was away because his mom had cancer. I told her I was sorry to hear that. I asked how she was doing, and she said she was good and told me about her children and her job. She then said I should keep in touch. I reminded her that she had asked me not to, but she said she thought it would be okay now. I asked if her husband would mind. She said she would ask. She then gave me her address and telephone number. I wrote her the other day telling her I never want to cause her or her husband any trouble, and that if I am, we should cease communication. I told her about Jonah and me (I don't know what she'll think; as far as I know, she's still an active Mormon, but it's not like she doesn't know about my past).

I told her that no matter what happens, I was just so delighted to get to see her again and know how she's doing. I told her that I've missed her, but that in retrospect, things probably worked out for the best. I'm not sure I would have handled her mental illness very well, and my homosexual issues probably wouldn't have served her too well, either. In any case, it was a bizarre but pleasant treat to see her again. No matter what, I always be thankful for that.

Jonah and I had a really nice talk today. Our separation (we're in two different states) has been especially difficult for him, mostly because he doesn't have as good of a support system as I do. He misses me terribly. I miss him, too. I have never been so loved by somebody in a romantic relationship. He just seems to adore me, and it's hard to believe that somebody loves me so much. But I know he does. I love him, too. I have a harder time showing it, I think. I guess I trick myself into believing that I don't deserve to be so loved, and with my religious issues, I think I put up a wall sometimes. But I feel we're making progress. I'm trying to do better at meeting his needs and not just focusing on my own. I really feel like we communicated well today. Sometimes I think it's hard for each of us to always understand where the other is coming from, but I guess that's what good communication is all about...in any relationship.

You know, the parallels don't escape me: I am conscious of the fact that if Jonah loves me so much in spite of my faults and failings, God must, too, to an even greater degree. Sometimes I catch myself convincing myself I don't deserve to be so loved by Him, either. But that's a lie. Jonah is teaching me a lot about myself, and hopefully, I am doing the same for him.

In a couple of weeks we'll be going to the Utah Shakespearean Festival together. It will be nice (for both of us) to see each other again.

I really feel I've been able to talk pretty openly with my mom about Jonah. I like that. I'm glad she likes him. I still have some tough decisions to make, which I feel I'm putting off. But eventually I'm going to have to make a choice. Some days I really can see myself being with Jonah for our lives. There are other days when I worry about my soul. But most of the time I feel like I have the experiences I have and learn what I learn, and God loves me just the same. I want to be with Jonah. That's what I really want. But I also want to feel that God is okay with that, and I don't know that I feel that yet. The answer will be clear to me when I get it, though, of that I feel certain. I just have to be patient and trust the Lord.

Well, so much for being brief, huh? :-)

David, Iraq, Pioneers, and Being in the Same Boat

My apologies. This is going to be a very long post.

Church was actually quite excellent on Sunday. Generally, I’m so tired on Sunday mornings that if what’s going on isn’t holding my interest, I tend to doze off, but today I was pretty wide awake for most of the meetings.

I went to Primary first. I used to be a Primary teacher in my home ward (where I currently attend), and I loved it. I loved teaching the kids, and I loved how the gospel was taught at its most simple, basic level without all the tangents and frivolous stuff that, albeit interesting sometimes, isn’t always essential. Even though I’m no longer a Primary teacher, I still attend Primary in my home ward; one, because I like Primary a lot, and two, it isn’t Priesthood meeting, which I’ve never been a big fan of, mostly because I don’t feel I fit in and because 90% of the time, Priesthood instructors have seemed less than prepared, and my attitude is if they didn’t take the time to adequately prepare a lesson, I don’t want to waste my time listening to it of there is no thought or objective behind it.

During Primary I noticed two young boys being playful and affectionate with each other, and I thought, “Why does that seem to become a stigma later on? Why can’t men just be affectionate with each other?” In France and Belgium, where I served my mission, it’s no big deal for men to be affectionate with each other, and yet Western culture seems to frown on men being affectionate with each other or crying, and I’ve never really understood why. I think it’s sad in a way. I actually don’t think homosexuality would be that big of an issue if it weren’t so taboo. Nobody seems to care when women are all touchy-feely with one another, but if men do it, it’s looked on as something odd. And yet, you look at sports figures, for example, who are looked on as such a symbol of masculinity, and you see them slapping each other on the butt or hugging when their team wins, and nobody seems to care. I just find it interesting. I like men who aren’t afraid to be affectionate. Interestingly enough, some of the most openly affectionate men I know are some of the most heterosexual men I know. I find that interesting.

One of the songs we are singing in Primary right now is the 11th Article of Faith, which is “We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may,” and was thinking that as members of the Mormon Church, I don’t think we’re always so good at following this. I think we say we do, but we don’t always do it.

Sunday School was very interesting. A ward member who has been serving in Iraq just came home a week ago. It was really good to see him and know that he was safe. He and I don’t often agree politically, but he is a good man, and it was really good to see him. It had been a while since any of us had seen him, and he asked if anybody had any questions for him about the war. It was odd that we were talking about the Iraqi War in Sunday School, and yet it seemed strangely appropriate. I was just worried that it would get political or confrontational, which it didn’t. I have always been against the Iraqi War from the very beginning and feel more so each passing day. And yet as I listened to him talk, I felt my spirit open to his words. I’m still against the war, but what he said at least gave me a different spin on things, which was nice for a change.

He says he was really surprised by how much the media portrays the war as all “gloom and doom,” because, from his recent vantage point, things were different. He says most of the Iraqi people he’s dealt with on a personal basis are happy the US forces are there and are grateful for many of the things that have been done for them. That doesn’t mean there aren’t complaints, but overall, they are grateful for the American forces. He talked about providing solar energy for a school and building (and rebuilding, after it was bombed by insurgents) a water treatment plant for Iraqi civilians. I specifically asked him to tell me some positive things about the war since we get so much negative. He told me about the school and the water treatment plant, but also talked about simple things like the joy he saw in the faces of two different children, one who was given a lollipop, and had never tasted a piece of candy in his life, and another staring at a box of coloring crayons, which he had never seen before.

Somebody asked him what the morale of the troops was like, and he said it really depended where they were. He said where he was was “hell on earth,” but that the soldiers’ morale was pretty good, and that they were happy to be making a difference. He said in other areas where the fighting is especially bad, morale isn’t always so good.

He talked about the many poor, uneducated people there were in Iraq and how they felt they were helping them better their lives. He talked about how one of the problems is that the Sunnis and Shiites and other factions can’t agree on the democratic process. They even want it, but no one can agree on how to make it work so all sides are happy, and that until they choose to work together, the process isn’t going to work as well.

He talked about how the weather has been 145 degrees before, which I can’t even fathom. All in all, he was very positive about things, and even though I am still against the war, it was refreshing to hear another, more positive point-of-view for a change from somebody who’s actually been there. Of course, I’ve also heard negative things from two soldier friends of mine who are there, so I guess it depends on where you are, who you are, and your attitude. In any case, it was enlightening.

The teacher, a man I like and respect very much, was quite emotional today, both because this returned soldier is a very good friend of his and because the lesson seemed to touch him particularly (the teacher, not the soldier). The lesson was about David. For those of you who may not be familiar with the story of David, he slew Goliath and became a chosen king of God. However, he committed adultery and was responsible for the death of his mistresses' husband. The teacher asked which David we think of when we think about David. Do we think of the hero, the man who was loyal to God, or do we think about the fallen sinner? Do we think of the guy who spared Saul, his enemy’s life, or do we think of the guy who took Uriah, an innocent man’s life? “Do we emphasize the David who killed Goliath, or the David who killed Uriah? Should we view him as the servant who refused to lift his hand against the Lord’s anointed, or as the Lord’s anointed who lifted his hand against a faithful and loyal servant?” (Old Testament Student Manuel, pg. 287)

When my brother wrote to me after learning Jonah and I were together, he inferred that I could be like Joseph, who fled from the temptation of Potiphar’s wife, or David, who chose to linger and lust after Bathsheba, whom he eventually committed adultery with.

When I read the scriptures, I find I’m pretty mercifully-minded. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. I feel sorry for people like David or Pilate or even Judas Iscariot, who made grave errors. And it isn’t that I believe the choices they made were right or that they won’t be punished for the evil things they may have done. It’s that I believe they were human and made human errors just as all of us are apt to do. I once gave a talk on the mercy of God. I think Mormons (and most other Christian religions) are really good at understanding the justice of God (thou shalt… or thou shalt not…), but the mercy of God sometimes escapes them. I am guilty of this as well. In my talk I gave four examples from each book of Mormon scripture (the Old Testament, the New Testament, the Book of Mormon, and the Doctrine and Covenants) about people who made mistakes but still received a great deal of mercy from the Lord. Rahab, from the Old Testament, was a harlot (a prostitute) who harbored the spies that the prophet Joshua sent to Jericho. When Jericho was eventually destroyed, only Rahab and her family were spared, and there is scriptural evidence that Rahab was in Jesus’ bloodline. In the New Testament, Peter denied Christ three times, and suffered much for it, but he eventually became the leader of the Church. In the Book of Mormon, Alma the Younger and the sons of Mosiah led many people away from the Church and did much wickedness, but after they repented, the sons of Mosiah became great missionaries and Alma became one of the greatest prophets of the Church. In the Doctrine and Covenants, Martin Harris was responsible for the loss of 116 pages translated by Joseph Smith from the gold plates, and yet he was eventually permitted by the Lord to be one of the three witnesses to actually see the gold plates. He and Oliver Cowdery as well as David Whitmer were all excommunicated from the LDS Church, but eventually the former two were rebaptized, and although David Whitmer never was, he never denied his testimony of the Church. I think that’s got to count for something, and I believe the Lord will show mercy. A prostitute’s life is spared, and it is through her line that the Savior comes; a man denies knowing Jesus because of fear (the same man who’s lack of faith caused him to sink in the same water Jesus walked on, the same man Jesus said, “Get thee behind me, Satan” to, the same man who was rebuked for not wanting to wash the Savior’s feet) and becomes one of the greatest prophets of the Church; a very wicked man who leads others astray is able to repent and becomes the President of the Church; a man responsible for the loss of holy scripture because of his pride is allowed a great privilege. Even David, who we are taught will not receive exaltation, is promised that “the Lord [will] not leave his soul in hell.” Why? Because He is a merciful God. When the woman taken in adultery was brought before Jesus and told she should be stoned, Jesus said, “He who is without sin cast the first stone,” and of course no one did because all men sin. That didn’t mean Jesus condoned the woman’s actions. He told her, “Go and sin no more.” But he was tender with her and forgiving. Jesus told us to forgive those who sin against us seventy times seven times. If we are to follow the example of our Savior in everything, and if he follows God’s example in everything, doesn’t it stand to reason that they would use the same criteria for themselves.? The point is I believe in a loving, forgiving, merciful God, and I think it‘s important to remember that. God knew we would make mistakes here. He knew we’d sin. Otherwise, why would we need a Savior at all?

But back to David. The fact is he has fallen short of exaltation. He has paid, and is paying the price, for the choices he made in his life. He paid the price in his mortal life and is paying the price in the afterlife. And yet, the question is, was David’s life a tragedy or a triumph? “If a triumph, why, then has ‘he fallen from his exaltation and lost ‘the greatest of all the gifts of God?’ If a tragedy, why is the Messiah prophesied to sit ‘upon the throne of David’ and be called ‘David their king’? Why are we told that Jesus shall receive ‘the throne of his father David’ and that he has ‘the key of David’?” (Old Testament Student Manuel, page 287)

One of the points the teacher made was that David made the mistake of not enduring. On the other hand, he also made the point that our experiences, good and bad, are what shape us, and that only God (and eventually David) truly know what David’s final reward or state will be.

I’ve said it before, but I just don’t believe that everything is so black and white. Perhaps I am wrong, but it is what I feel in my heart. I was thinking today that if I make the choice to live my life as a gay man, wherever I end up in the afterlife, there are going to be a lot of people there with me; a lot of really good people. And whether my actions are deemed good or bad, right or wrong, I feel in my heart that my intentions are based in love, not in selfishness, and I believe that has to count for something. And I also know that Heavenly Father must know how incredibly difficult things are for some of his children. He must understand even better than we do what each of us is individually going through, and that’s precisely why He is the only one qualified to judge any of us; because he knows the inner workings of our hearts. So it is with David.

The teacher brought up the point that Bruce R. McConkie brought up in Mormon Doctrine (pg. 520): “Murderers are forgiven eventually but only in the sense that all sins are forgiven except the sin against the Holy Ghost; they are not forgiven in the sense that celestial salvation is made available to them. After they have paid the full penalty for their crime, they shall go on to a telestial inheritance.” Now, granted, in the theology of my religion, a telestial glory is not what we should be shooting for, but the point I want to make is that it is still a degree of glory. Dallin H. Oaks gave a talk about the degrees of glory, which I quoted in an earlier post. The point is, it all goes back to forgiveness and mercy. God wants us to be happy. The fact that any of us are here in the mortal existence already bodes well for us. We followed the Lord and chose to come here. Maybe I’m rationalizing (I probably am), but I think things will be better for us in the afterlife than we sometimes imagine they will be. We all commit sins. We all make mistakes. We’re imperfect. God knows that. Sometimes you’ve just got to do the best you can do under the given circumstances and hope things will turn out all right.

After Sunday School we had Sacrament Meeting, and there were many signs posted up behind the podium that said things like, “Faith in every footstep,” “The best is yet to come,” “Be strong and do it,” “Lead me to the rock that is higher than I,” and “We shall walk and not faint.” I wondered if God was trying to tell me something.

The youth had gone on what is called “Pioneer Trek,” where they dress as the Mormon pioneers did and reenact just a small portion of what the Mormon pioneers went through as they walked across the plains from the east to the Utah valley. I’ve never been on a Pioneer Trek myself. I had opportunities to do so when I was younger, but was never interested. Hearing the youth and some of the leaders talk about their experiences was very uplifting and spiritual, and it’s been a while since a church meeting affected me so.

The first youth talked about how tired he was and also talked about the “Women’s Pull,” where the women had to pull handcarts full of stuff up a sandy, rocky hill, and the men could only watch without being able to help. It made me think of how sometimes our Heavenly Father has to watch us go through such tribulations without being able to help us. He could, but he doesn’t because he knows we have to go through that experience ourselves. It causes us to learn something about ourselves that we might not have otherwise learned had he intervened. Would Abraham have learned just how much he was willing to sacrifice for the Lord when God commanded him to sacrifice Isaac? I think the Lord knew Abraham was willing to go all the way, but it was Abraham who needed to learn that he was willing to go all the way. But I imagine it pains Heavenly Father and makes him cry as it did many of the helpless brothers who had to watch the women do this incredibly difficult thing without being allowed to aid them.

The second youth was a boy named Anthony who has just amazed me. His father is dead, I believe, and his mother is not active in the church, but Anthony has been coming to church on his own for many years now. My mom taught him in Primary when he started coming to church, and he has turned into a very dedicated young man. He talked about how he tried moving rocks out of the way during the “Women’s Pull” until he was eventually told not to because the objective was for the women to do it all on their own. But it told me a lot about Anthony’s character that he would do that (while some of the younger, more immature kids were doing the opposite) and made me think about what kind of people we are in life: obstacle makers or obstacle removers. Anthony also talked about how he became ill during the trek and how hard it was to move the handcarts as a result of his weakness

The third youth was a girl who kept a journal. These were some of the things she wrote during the trek: She talked about the many people who chose not to make the trek to Utah (or Zion) and the ones who did and made the statement about the pioneers “giving up so much to come to Zion” and the ones who remained behind “giving up so much more not to.” She made a comment about the physical endurance showing “our brain what our body can do.” She made the comment “We can’t do it alone.” She said during the “Women’s Pull” “I looked up the hill and doubt filled my heart.” She talked about the handcart slipping back and pushing the cart only to have it remain still. She talked about how she felt angels helping her and that “the load wasn’t easy but the burden was light,” and how “angels are always willing to help you if you give them a chance.” I thought about how her words could apply to our life here on earth. I think the Lord uses metaphors for life, one being treks through the wilderness (or across the sea), whether it be the modern day pioneers, Moses and his people, Nephi and his family, or the Jaredites. There are many parallels one can glean from the scriptures that can be applied to our life’s trials. But not everyone makes it in their trek (or even chooses to make the trek at all). The ones who stayed behind may not have made it to Utah, but does that necessarily mean they weren’t happy? Even Emma Smith, Joseph’s wife stayed behind. Does that mean she’ll be punished for that? Many died on the way. Does that mean they were somehow weaker or less worthy than the ones who survived?

The next speaker made the comment that these pioneers shouldn’t have lived. What they were required to do was nigh impossible. But they did it. I guess that says a lot about faith and the Lord supporting you. He showed a famous picture of the pioneers trekking through winter cold pushing their handcarts and how unseen angels were helping them accomplish it. A later speaker speculated that those angels helping the pioneers may very likely have been us. But it was hard thing they were asked to do, and some weren’t able to do it. In Matthew 7:14 it even says, “strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.” (Italics added). It struck me again how it must pain God to watch us suffer, but how we must go through our own experiences to learn and to know that our final reward will be exactly what we are supposed to get. This trek was incredibly difficult for these youth. Some couldn’t even do what they were required to do, and that was just a taste of what the original pioneers were required to do.

As these youth speakers and leaders talked of their experiences and later sang the hymn “Come, Come, Ye Saints (a hymn which is not my favorite, but which I saw in a completely different light on Sunday), you could really tell that they had been through something together that none of us in the congregation could fully understand unless we had been through it ourselves, and it occurred to me that you only can only truly understand the experiences you have because you have them yourself, and no one else can judge those experiences except for the Lord himself because he knows us perfectly, inside and out. It really clarified the concept of not judging others, if that makes sense. It reminded me of people who have been through a war together or a tragedy (such as the Andes airplane crash in 1972). Only they can really understand what they’ve been through. That’s why I feel like gay Mormons understand each other like no one else can. Other gay Christians can certainly relate, but it isn’t exactly the same, and, of course, each gay Mormon’s experience is different, so really, the bottom line is that only you and God can wholly know your true soul, intentions, desires, and progress.

Another girl talked about her handcart sinking in the sand, and how the cart wouldn’t move, and how she had to look at the ground to avoid looking at how much more of the hill she had to climb.

A boy talked about watching the “Women’s Pull” and crying and being afraid that the other guys would think he was a wuss and how surprised he was to see so many men crying, and again it struck me, “Why is it such a shameful thing for a man to cry?” I don’t believe it is consciously, but subconsciously I wonder if I do because I don’t often allow myself to cry in front of other people. It’s not something I do consciously. I just don’t cry in front of others very often.

Another boy talked about how know one can do it alone and how we all have to help each other, and how one needs to work beyond what they feel they’re capable of doing. It again resonated in me the parallels between the trek and our mortal “trek.”

A girl talked about finding strength inside her that she didn’t think she had and how the only thing that holds us back is us. She talked about how God loves us and believes in us, and how we need to trust in ourselves as he does. She talked about how sometimes we think we know more than God and are rebellious, and how he loves us just the same in spite of it. That’s a hard concept to grasp for me sometimes, that God loves everyone the same. For example, it’s hard to fathom that God loves Hitler as much as he loves Gordon B. Hinckley because they are both his children. Sometimes I catch myself believing that God loves me less when I commit grievous sins. I say I think He loves me just the same, but I sometimes feel I don’t believe it as I should. I just want to feel that regardless of the choices I make, God’s love will always be strong and present in my life. He has to love us the same, doesn’t he? I think the story of the Prodigal Son in the Bible is a good illustration of that. And I think that father loved his son just as much while he was sinning as he did when he repented and came home. He did because he was his son. I think as imperfect human beings (some who have one parent or another that doesn’t show them that love or who have people in their lives they can’t fathom loving that way), it’s a hard concept to grasp.

The final speaker talked about the reason the pioneers sacrificed so much was because they believed in Christ. He talked about how today’s challenges are different, but just as challenging, and how these people lost their lives physically, and how we face similar loss spiritually.

I thought about how my religion is like a marriage (and the scriptures even make that comparison) and how I’ve made certain covenants in this “marriage.” Being with Jonah would cause me to break those covenants. And, yet, at the same time, I don’t know that I am willing to sacrifice my love for Jonah for the Church. It’s so complicated. Ideally, I just would like to be Mormon and gay. But I can’t seem to have both. It’s a wonder Jonah isn’t sick of me yet. But he isn’t. He loves me that much. He also loves me enough that he’d be willing to let me go if he thought the Church is what would make me happy (although both of us would be terribly devastated by that). I’ve never experienced such a strong love in a relationship before, and I don’t know that I’m willing to let it go, consequences be damned. And maybe that says something about the choice I am faced with.

I read other blogs from people in similar positions, and it’s always back and forth, back and forth, and I yell at the screen: “Make up your mind already! Make a choice and do it!” And yet I’m fully aware that I am in the exact same boat. But I was reflecting the other day about how nice it is to be in the same boat with a lot of people. At least we’re all in the same boat and understand to some extent what each other is going through. And that is comforting.

It's funny, when the youth were singing "Come, Come, Ye Saints," they seemed so somber and serious and teary-eyed because of the experiences they shared together. I imagine the Pioneers sang it in a similar fashion. And yet the words go, "All is well. All is well." The song struck me in a profound way it never has before. I leave this entry with those words:

Come, come, ye Saints,no toil nor labor fear;
But with joy wend your way.
Though hard to you this journey may appear,
Grace shall be as your day.
'Tis better far for us to strive
Our useless cares from us to drive;
Do this, and joy your hearts will swell-
All is well! All is well!

Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?
'Tis not so; all is right.
Why should we think to earn a great reward
If we now shun the fight?
Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.
Our God will never us forsake;
And soon we'll have this tale to tell-
All is well! All is well!

We'll find the place which God for us prepared,
Far away in the West,
Where none shall come to hurt or make afraid;
There the Saints will be blessed.
We'll make the air with music ring,
Shout praises to our God and King;
Above the rest these words we'll tell-
All is well! All is well!

And should we die before our journey's through,
Happy day! All is well!
We then are free from toil and sorrow, too;
With the just we shall dwell!
But if our lives are spared again
To see the Saints their rest obtain,
Oh, how we'll make this chorus swell-
All is well! All is well!

Utter Sorrow and Utter Joy

Jonah and I had a major misunderstanding. It started when I received an email from him on Sunday. One of the things he said in the email was that he hoped I was having a good Sunday.

Well, my Sunday was not very good. I went to church. In Sunday School they were talking about Jonathan and David. I've always wondered if Jonathan's feelings towards David ever went beyond just "brotherly love." I think David was probably straight, but I sometimes wonder about Jonathan. In any case, the lesson made me think about Saul and David, two people who had it all and lost much of it due to their transgressions.

My former bishop, who's also a very close and dear friend wanted to meet with me after church. We met, and I told him about my relationship with Jonah. This man is no longer my bishop. He's simply a good friend who's truly interested in my happiness and well-being. Well, of course, that news wasn't the best news to hear on his end, I'm sure. To his credit, he's extremely nonjudgmental and compassionate, but, of course, he's concerned about me. I told him I simply wasn't sure I could go on living my life according to the tenets of the church as far as this issue is concerned. I told him I loved the church dearly and, of course, would be very sad to leave it, but that I just didn't know what I was going to do.

Of course, he doesn't know how to help me and what he can do to make things better for me. I don't think there's much he can do. He's simply a human being doing his best to help in the best way he knows how. There was no judgment or chastising. He was simply seeing how I was doing. But as I looked at him, he looked so tired and worn down; not even by my problems, but just from being a bishop. This man, who I will call Frank, is beyond doubt probably the most Christ-like person I know. He truly cares about people, and I think he genuinely tries to love all those he comes in contact with. He goes beyond and above the call of duty and is always helping people. I actually think he's generous to a fault. But he's generous because he truly loves people. If there is an example I am in such great admiration of, it is Frank.

And Frank looked so tired and helpless as I talked to him, and it made me feel guilty. I want to stress that Frank didn't do anything to provoke my guilt. I just felt guilty. We hugged goodbye after I talked, and I just felt bad the rest of the day, and I wasn't even sure why.

In any case, when Jonah wished me a good Sunday, I explained that I was feeling guilty and that I had told my former bishop about us and that I still wasn't sure what I needed to do. Well, Jonah mistakenly took my response as my way of saying that I didn't think I could continue our relationship and that I wanted to break it off. So he sent me an email back saying that if staying true to the church was going to make me happier than being with him, then maybe that's what I should do. And I mistakenly thought his email meant that his patience was at an end (which I wouldn't blame him for) and that he wanted to break it off with me.

Well, when I read that I was so devastated and sad. I went to work and was in such a depressed and angry state, which many people noticed because it's unusual for me to get that way. It was tearing me apart to think that I wouldn't be with Jonah for the rest of my life, and it made me angry that God would put us together only to rip us apart, and it made me especially upset because I knew the faults in our relationship rested mainly with me and my inability to decide what I really want. So I was just miserable.

After work I got in my car and just sobbed, which is very unusual because I tend to be pretty stoic and unemotional about things. Well, when I got home, my mom noticed I was very depressed and asked me what was wrong, and I explained the situation and that I thought Jonah was breaking up with me and that I couldn't bear the thought of being without him and how I've spent my whole life trying to be a good person, and how according to the dictates of Mormonism, I feel in many ways that I am a failure; that I have tried so hard to "do what's right," and that the Church doesn't have the answers I seek, and how if Jonah was a woman, everyone would be overjoyed, but because he's a guy, I feel like most of the people in my religious network would be very saddened by my news.

Well, I sobbed in her arms for a bit, and she assured me that I was a very good person, and that she knew that the choices I faced were difficult, but that she only wanted me to be happy and could see I've spent much of my life trying to "do my best," and we had a very open conversation about homosexuality and my relationship with Jonah. I told her it confused me that the place I'm told to seek joy and happiness doesn't seem to be providing me with it, and the place I'm told not to go seems to be making me very happy. I told her, "It's not like I want to leave the church, but I just want to be happy, and Jonah makes me happy." She said she knew, and I even talked about wanting to marry Jonah. She says while she doesn't understand everything, she knows I'm going through a horrible ordeal and that if being with Jonah would ease my pain, then maybe that's what I needed to do. To hear that from my own mother made me feel so much better.

In any case, I wrote Jonah a long email back explaining that I was sorry if I was causing him such frustration and pain, but that I understood if he needed to break up with me for his own sanity. Well, I got an email this morning saying that he had misinterpreted my original email as my wanting to break up with him and that he was only trying to make it easier for me. Needless to say, neither one of us wants to break up with the other, and we are both very happy now. Jonah left me some wonderful words of encouragement and, in essence, says he's in this for the long haul.

In a way, though, I'm glad this miscommunication occurred because I feel I gained three valuable things from it:

1) It made me realize how deeply I really do care for and love Jonah. I am a brick wall emotionally, and the thought of us breaking up devastated me. It was good to know that I actually had feelings deeper than I could have imagined. It made me feel more alive, even if it wasn't particularly fun to experience.

2)It prompted a much needed conversation with my mom. We were really open about everything, and it made me realize how much my mom loves and cares for me. Even this morning when I told her it was all a misunderstanding, she said, "I'm so glad things are going well and that you're happy again. I love you so very much," and then she gave me a hug.

3)It helped clarify for me that maybe it's time I choose Jonah instead of the church.

Anyway, I've never felt so sad and happy in the span of 24 hours.

Degrassi and Constitutional Amendments

When I was younger, one of my favorite shows was the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High. They showed it on PBS after school, and I really enjoyed watching it. I remember what I liked most about it was that it really seemed to deal with realistic and controversial subjects in a very real way, and I had never seen anything on TV deal with the subject matter this show dealt with in the "matter-of-fact" way that it did. At the time, I didn't realize it was Canadian, and was surprised that what I presumed to be an American series would portray teen life so realistically. I actually have the whole series on my Netflix queue, and hope I will enjoy it as much now as I did then.

When the TV network NOGIN came out with Degrassi: The Next Generation, I was excited that a new generation would be introduced to the same kind of daring stories I was introduced to at their age. I remember when it first came out, I tried watching a couple of episodes, and was surprised at how much more tame it seemed to be. However, having seen repeats of some of the episodes from the last five years, I am pleased to see that many of the stories seem to be just as relevant and hard-hitting to today's teens as the original show's stories seemed to me.

Anyway, I'm not a regular watcher of the current series, but every once in a while when they show repeats late at night (which is when I happen to be up), and there's nothing else on, I'll watch. I don't know too many of the characters, but one of the characters whose stories I enjoy watching is Marco, who is the show's token gay kid. Since I often see the episodes out of order, it is interesting to watch his story from different angles: his realization that he's gay, boyfriend troubles, coming out, acceptance and adjustment, etc. I just caught an episode the other night where he finally comes out to his mom after having accepted his gayness himself for about a year. It really was a touching episode, and I actually got quite teary-eyed thinking about the hard road so many teens have to travel in dealing with this issue and thinking about earlier in my life the times I came out to various individuals and how scary it was at the time and how nowadays it just doesn't seem like it's that big of a deal like it was then. Of course, that's hypocritical to say, I suppose, since I'm still very much in the closet with many people. But I don't have the same fear and angst as I did back then.

What touched me about the episode was his mom's reaction; not fully understanding, but loving her son so much. His mom's biggest issue (and my mom's as well) isn't so much that her son is gay, but the fear of how other people will negatively treat him because of his homosexuality. I just thought it was good. It was also a nice reminder of how much my mom really loves me. I remember before I came out to anybody thinking my mom would just hate me or be so disgusted with me, and now realize that those fears were completely unfounded. Does she necessarily understand or condone it? Not necessarily. But I am assured that she loves me just the same as she always has.

Being back in Utah has been weird. Not bad. Just unusual. I feel like I can be more open about who I am when I'm at school in a different state, but here I feel like I'm hiding again, which is odd since most of my friends would probably be okay with it. My ward fellow ward members, on the other hand, probably wouldn't be so okay. Or that's my assumption. And I know it's not that they would like me any less, but their assumption would be that I would be following the wrong path, and I know they would be concerned about my spiritual well-being.

I shouldn't care what people think, but I do. I've always been a people pleaser, and it bothers me when I feel I'm disappointing people. I know it's because of my LDS background, but I've always been taught to be a good example, and while I understand that living life as a gay man is not necessarily being a bad example, obviously in the Mormon faith it isn't being a good example of a what a good Mormon should be, and that bothers me. I think I'm a very good Christian, but lately I haven't been a very good Mormon, and when you're taught your whole life to be a good Mormon, and you're not being a good Mormon, that can be disappointing. But I know I'm a good human being and a good child of God, so I guess that will have to do.

I've been wanting to talk about the recent statement the LDS Church made regarding making our voices known in regards to the proposition of a constitutional amendment against gay marriage. Obviously, I am not surprised by the church's coming out against gay marriage, but it still bothered me that they read that statement over the pulpit because they're always claiming political neutrality, and I'm sorry, but that simply isn't true. I also thought it was an unnecessary action because the amendment was largely political and had little chance of being passed, and we already know the church's stand on the issue. It just felt like salt being poured in a wound. I bristled when they read it (and my mom noticed). It just made me sad and angry. It just seemed unnecessary to me.

The whole debate really gets on my nerves. I just wish the people who are against homosexuality and gay marriage could step in our shoes for one minute just so they would really understand what it's like to be on the other side. They still might not agree, but at least they would understand how it really feels and have a bit more compassion, I would hope.

In church today, they talked about King Saul and David, two people who started out good and then fell due to their mistakes, and even though I'm trying to rationalize my condition, there was a part of me that thought, "That's who I am. I'm forfeiting my kingdom because I can't trust God enough to do what I know is right." Then another voice said, "You've done your best. What more can you do? How long are you going to keep punishing yourself when you've got such good things in front of you. You'll get what you deserve, and you will still be happy." Then the other voice said, "You need to have more faith and just endure to the end," and the other voice answered, "How much more faith am I expected to have? How much more can I endure?" One thing that really resonated with me was that these men who "fell" were still really good people and that God knew full well how difficult life would be.

Anyway, I'm tired of always flip-flopping on this issue, and I'm sure many of you out there are as sick and tired of it as I am. There's just so much residue, and I'm never sure which voices to believe anymore.

I wish I was more emotional. I don't know why this wall is up so high or why I've subconsciously convinced myself that crying is not a good thing. Jonah will write me emails about how much he misses me and that he cries about it. I miss Jonah very much, but I don't cry. My mom's on a vacation, and I miss her, but I don't cry. Life holds many challenges, but I don't cry over them. And consciously, I'd love to cry. I'd love to have a bawling fit over something. But I don't. It bothers me sometimes that I'm so unemotional and rational and practical all the time. It makes me feel like I'm not fully living or feeling. And it bothers me that I only seem to love Jonah with part of my heart rather than all of it when I so much want to allow myself to love him fully. It's not fair to either of us. Someone like Jonah is just what I need. I love him a lot. I just wish I could feel more deeply.

Jonah's been busy with his job and I with mine, and so we haven't talked as much as we usually do, which we both miss very much. I know he's expressed how odd it is not to have my constant companionship, and I feel the same way. But things are calming down for both of us, I believe, and so hopefully we'll get more time with one another.

My acting job is going well. We've been in rehearsal, and we open pretty soon. It's not my favorite show I've ever been in, but I feel very blessed to be acting for pay and with people I love and care about.

Jonah bought me a very nice, unexpected gift. He's such a generous soul. What a great guy (and not just because of the present).

Can Life Be Guilt-Free?

Last night Jonah came over and we lay in bed together. It was just really nice to be with him and hold him and cuddle. We also made out for the first time, which was fun and exciting (sometimes too exciting; we had to cool it for a bit). Jonah, ironically, was the one who seemed worried that my roommates would come home and hear us. He wasn't worried for his sake, but for mine because he knows they don't know about us (although they'd have to be complete fools if they didn't suspect, and I know neither of my roommates are fools). One of them did come home, but I think he was in such a rush that he didn't take notice or hear us. But the thing was, I wasn't concerned about it. I didn't care if anyone knew.

So here's the thing: when Jonah and I were together last night and kissing and cuddling and hugging and holding and making out, I didn't feel guilty about it. I even said to him, "This feels so good and right." But after he left and all day today, I've really felt uneasy about it, and I hate that I feel that way. I love this relationship, and there is so much good about it that it bothers me that I feel guilty. And I'm like, "Okay, do I feel guilty because this is wrong and I'm trying to convince myself that it isn't; or do I feel guilty simply because my religious beliefs have so conditioned me that it's wrong that I'm not used to allowing myself to do things previously forbidden; and if that's the case, will it pass over time?" I just wish things didn't have to be so complicated. I wish I could just love the guy I love without all this emotional baggage. Because no matter what, I do feel what I feel. I do feel great love for Jonah, but I also am feeling guilt today, whether it's justified or not. And, you know, I once felt guilty about masturbating and even just lightly kissing Jonah, but I don't feel that way about those things, so maybe it's just a matter of getting used to giving myself permission to do things I've never allowed myself to do.

I just dislike feeling this way, especially because I love Jonah so much. It's not fair that I'm burdened with guilt, especially if its needless. But it also isn't fair, if these feelings are indeed wrong and not to be acted upon, that I feel what I do and seem to have little control over it. I just wish I could have a normal relationship. I'm sure none of you understand what I'm talking about. ;-)

Anyway, maybe it's just a matter of time. I know Jonah is concerned because he doesn't like me to feel angst. But, unfortunately, it happens to be what I'm feeling at this particular moment in time.

General Conference and Rent

I'm unintentionally continuing with my musical theme in my blogs, although it seems weird to have General Conference and the musical, Rent, in the same post.

I watched General Conference today and was quite inspired by several talks. Unfortunately, the message from Heavenly Father to me was pretty loud and clear: in spite of what I think I might want, the only true way to eternal happiness is to keep following the path I've been on; that is to say that I must stay true to my testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. As much as I try to rationalize things, the fact of the matter is that I do know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is God's true church on earth and in spite of whatever choices I make in this life, that truth will not change, and I will always know it in my heart.

Conference is supposed to be uplifting, and although in some ways I did feel uplifted and strengthened, I also felt sad because I love Jonah very much, and if I stay on the path I'm on, I know I will hurt him, and I certainly don't wish to do that.

One message that came through very strong for me was that although life's trials and temptations may seem impossible to surmount, God has promised me that they aren't and that I must stay strong and endure to the end. The other message was that I need to worry more about God's will for me rather than what I want myself.

I know that those of you who aren't members of the Mormon Church or who are disenfranchised from it may not understand or agree with that, and I respect that. But it is what my soul felt today. My soul was reminded of what I'm really here to do; that my eternal goals are more important than my temporal goals.

Now don't misunderstand me; that didn't mean I thought, "Oh, well, that's what I need to do, and so I'm going to do it." On the contrary, my thoughts were, "God, why does this have to be so hard? Why does this have to be so confusing? Why is this my trial in life? I don't know that I'm strong enough to do what you ask me to do. You keep telling me I am, and I'm trying to believe you, but sometimes I don't, and then I feel badly about that. But I know that you know my heart and that I am honestly trying to do what I feel you've asked me to do. Help me to want to do your will, and help me be assured of what that will is."

One thing that was said in Conference is that the battles will get harder, not easier. That certainly seems to be the case.

I just want to do what's right. You know? I'm told it will be worth it if I endure until the end. I have to believe it's so. But it's hard. I'm sure many of you understand what I'm talking about.

I feel like such a flip-flopper. One day I'm telling you something; the next day I'm saying the complete opposite. You must all think I'm wishy-washy. But I know what's embedded in my heart, and I can't seem to let it go or even rationalize that it's okay to do so.

Bottom line: like it or not, I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true. I always will. No matter what I decide to do in life, that truth is seared in my heart.

Which brings me to Rent. Jonah and I went to see it tonight. I was feeling crummy because I felt like I was going to have to tell Jonah that I didn't think I could be with him after all, and Jonah seemed down because he sensed it, too (I told you, Jonah is like that; it's like he is so in tune he already knows things. It's a little creepy sometimes (in a good way)).

Contrary to the show's lyrics, I don't believe there is "no day but today." I believe every choice we make has consequences, both in this life and the next.

Anyway, Jonah and I had quite a talk tonight. Again, no pressure from Jonah. He did make it clear he wants to be with me, but said he would understand and respect my choice if I choose otherwise. I said that I just didn't think I could give up what I know to be true. We had a really nice talk. He is such a loving and supportive person, and, most of all, a wonderful friend. Anyway, Jonah had been inspired that the two of us should pray together, and that what we should pray for most of all is that we have peace. And when Jonah is inspired to do something, I feel it's best to follow through. He prayed first, and I prayed second. The Spirit was quite strong, I felt.

So now I'm home. I just said a private prayer. Basically I said, "Heavenly Father, just tell me what to do. Whatever you want, I'll do it. You want me to leave Jonah, I'll do it. You want me to be with him, I'll do it. Just please tell me so I can do it, because I am so confused right now, and Jonah and I are feeling too much turmoil in our hearts because of this situation."

Still waiting on a solid answer. Whatever it is, I just hope I feel at peace with it.

Shakespeare, Moliére, and La Cage aux Folles

Very interesting discussion over on GayMormon's blog. And when I say interesting, I really mean just very exhausting to read. I haven't even read half of what is being written in the comments area of his latest entry, nor do I intend to. I've just skimmed, and much of the debate seems very confrontational, and I'm not a big fan of confrontation. That doesn't mean I don't think each person writing isn't entitled to his or her opinion. I'm just not terribly interested in getting too involved.

I will say this, though: some of the comments I've read from a certain individual embarrass me as a member of the LDS Church. I just hope that people don't read his comments and feel that all members of my church express themselves in that way. That isn't even to say that he isn't a loving person or that he's a bad person because I don't think he is. I just think the tone and words he uses come off as very self-righteous, hypocritical, overly judgmental, and ignorant, which I don't think helps his argument at all and, frankly, I find it annoying. But perhaps if I knew him in real life, I would have a different opinion. And who am I to judge anyway? It's not like I have any room to talk. I'm not exactly living my life completely in accordance with my religious beliefs. Anyway, I'm trying to stay out of it.

One comment that I read from DCTwistedLife intrigued me enough to repost here. He said:

Not long ago, I had feelings that I would never 'fall' away from the church, because I would not let myself. I thought that the only thing that mattered was that when I died, I would have died 'clean'. But, I would have had no real experience of love or companionship. I convinced myself that I was okay with this. But then, someone came into my life and I found that my feelings towards him were pure, they were beautiful, and his were the same for me. To this day those feelings have not diminished. But I did not allow myself to pursue those feelings because of the conflict with my belief in the church. Today I sort of regret that, I might have experienced something so great. But indeed, I was not ready to make a leap. There is a time and a place for everything. There are so many decisions to be made. They are painful, but eventually they have to be made. And it is most important that you make them in honesty, and because they come from your heart.

I know where he is coming from, I think. I feel the same way. Only I'm now in the position he was in where I am trying to decide whether or not I want to pursue the feelings I have for my "someone." DCTwistedLife says he sort of regrets not pursuing those feelings, and I wonder if I will feel the same.

HawaiiDave wrote a comment on my blog the other day. He said:

Follow your heart! Don't worry about making family members or others uncomfortable in the process.

True love among two men is NOT wrong.

Jonah is a blessing!

He's certainly right about Jonah being a blessing. And I don't think true love between two men is wrong, but I haven't decided whether acting on that love in a sexual way is wrong or not. I find myself vacillating from day to day as to what action I will take. One day I'm telling myself I can't betray the covenants I've made within my religion, and that I won't feel peace in my heart if I do. The next day I'm saying, "Screw it. I've finally found someone I love that I want to be with." I just wish I could find peace in my heart. My heart isn't sure what's right yet.

I feel like Hamlet, the king of inaction. He spends nearly the whole play pondering what he should do. Speaking of Hamlet, I heard an interesting quote from that play (on Law and Order of all places!): "...there is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so." I haven't decided whether I believe that's true or not. Because in some respects, good and bad is only relative to what you're taught. I've been taught that homosexuality is a sin. Yet there are times when my heart wonders if that's really true or not.

Jonah and I had a talk the other night. I said I wanted to ease off on holding hands and calling each other "boyfriend" and such. On one hand, I felt bad because both of us are excited about this relationship and want to express it and it seems unfair to not do so. But on the other hand, my religion has taught me to be a certain way for so long that I feel guilty when I allow myself to do things I've never given myself permission to do. And whether or not that guilt is valid, it's what I sometimes feel, and I don't like that feeling. And I don't want to hurt Jonah by curbing our expressions of affection, but I feel a bit screwed up right now and am not entirely sure how to remedy it. Jonah feels bad because, of course, he doesn't enjoy seeing me in pain. And I know this is hard on him, too. Unfortunately, it's just one of those "one-day-at-a-time" sort of things. It's not necessarily fair or pleasant, but it is what it is. As it stands, I'm just really happy to have Jonah as my friend. And fortunately we get on very well together and there is no awkwardness between us because of this situation. It's a very supportive environment, and I feel we are able to be honest and have communication, which is important in any relationship.

Today in one of my classes we talked about Moliére. His plays were banned several times because he dared to introduce subjects that the church frowned upon. Of course, at that time the predominant religion was quite corrupt and hypocritical. In no way do I bring this up as a comparison to my own religion. I don't think that at all. In fact, I think there is so much good in my religion, which, of course, is why the decisions facing me are incredibly difficult. But why I bring up Moliére is this: I've always tried to be a free-thinker in life. Sometimes it's gotten me into trouble. But, quite frankly, I'd rather be an open-minded free-thinker who errs on the side of being over-tolerant than a narrow-minded, self-righteous, hypocrite. But I guess all of us are hypocrites sometimes. I've just never seen the world in blacks and whites. I live in shades of gray. I am not a "letter of the law" individual; I tend to go more with the spirit of the law. I am by no means a conformist. I am very much an individual who marches to the beat of his own drummer, and in fact am more likely to rebel if someone tells me I have to do something. Again, sometimes those qualities get me in trouble, but I think I am happier and more well-rounded because of them.

I close with the words to a song I like very much, "I Am What I Am" from La Cage aux Folles by Jerry Herman. It's a song that very much speaks to me.

I am what I am.
I am my own special creation...
So come take a look.
Give me the hook
Or the ovation.
It's my world
That I want to have a little pride in.
My world,
And it's not a place I have to hide in.
Life's not worth a damn
Till you can say, "Hey, world,
I am what I am."

I am what I am.
I don't want praise.
I don't want pity.
I bang my own drum.
Some think it's noise.
I think it's pretty.
And so what
If I love each feather and each spangle?
Why not
Try and see things from a different angle?
Your life is a sham
Till you can shout out loud,
"I am what I am!"

I am what I am,
And what I am
Needs no excuses.
I deal my own deck;
Sometimes the ace,
Sometimes the deuces.
There's one life,
And there's no return and no deposit.
One life,
So it's time to open up your closet.
Life's not a worth a damn
Till you can say, "Hey, world,
I am
What
I am.

Sometimes I think we get so locked into our own personal points of view (myself included) that we fail to see the other side of things, thereby depriving ourselves of some rich and illuminating experiences. I saw the movie Crash recently. It was a good reminder of what it's like to see things from many points of view. I really try to see many sides of a situation. I don't always succeed, but I do try.

Many Thoughts

This is likely to be a long post, so strap yourselves in for a while. I am currently reading The Misanthrope by Molière. I have read it before, but has been quite a while since I last read it, and I had forgotten about a monologue I like which somehow seems apropos. In case you aren’t familiar with The Misanthrope, I’ll set up the scene for you. It is a scene between two women who are supposedly friends, Arsinoé and Célimène. Arsinoé has a reputation for being pious and righteous, but Célimène knows that in fact Arsinoé is self-righteous, hypocritical, and somewhat vicious in her judgment of the other people. At the beginning of the scene Arsinoé berates Célimène in a supposedly kind and concerned manner for her (Célimène’s) faults. Célimène responds to this attack on her character in an equally sweet manner with the following monologue:

Madam, I haven’t taken you amiss;
I’m very much obliged to you for this;
And I’ll at once discharge the obligation
By telling you about your reputation.
You’ve been so friendly as to let me know
What certain people say of me, and so
I mean to follow your benign example
By offering you a somewhat similar sample.
The other day, I went to an affair
And found some most distinguished people there
Discussing piety, both false and true.
The conversation soon came round to you.
Alas! Your prudery and bustling zeal
Appeared to have a very slight appeal.
Your affectation of a grave demeanor,
Your endless talk of virtue and of honor,
The aptitude of your suspicious mind
For finding sin where there is none to find,
Your towering self-esteem, that pitying face
With which you contemplate the human race,
Your sermonizing and your sharp aspersions
On people’s pure and innocent diversions--
All these were mentioned, Madam, and, in fact,
Were roundly and concertedly attacked.
“What good,” they said, “are all these outward shows,
When everything belies her pious pose?
She prays incessantly; but then, they say,
She beats her maids and cheats them of their pay;
She shows her zeal in every holy place,
But still she’s vain enough to paint her face;
She holds that naked statues are immoral,
But with a naked man she’d have no quarrel.”
Of course, I said to everybody there
That they were being viciously unfair;
But still they were disposed to criticize you
And all agreed that someone should advise you
To leave the morals of the world alone,
And worry rather more about your own.
They felt that one’s self-knowledge should be great
Before one thinks of setting others straight;
That one should learn the art of living well
Before one threatens other men with hell,
And that the Church is best equipped, no doubt,
To guide our souls and root our vices out.
Madam, you’re too intelligent, I’m sure,
To think my motives anything but pure
In offering you this counsel--which I do
Out of a zealous interest in you.

It’s always bothered me that people use religion as an excuse to attack and judge other people, especially when the fact is, we are all human beings, and none of us is without sin, so who are any of us to judge anybody else? I figure I have enough problems of my own; I’ll leave the judging to God. I’m reminded of the stories in The Book of Mormon of the Zoramites who felt they were so pious, but were actually prideful, materialistic, and self-righteous; or the Pharisees in the New Testament who were so proud of themselves for so strictly following the commandments of God when in fact they were complete hypocrites. There are stories in all books of scripture of members of the church who are so busy judging and condemning others that they have lost sight of what religion is all about (and, of course, I’m primarily talking about Christian religions here). From my reading, Jesus Christ was very non-judgmental, compassionate, merciful, and full of love and charity, and when I read or hear about people using Christianity as a device of hate and judgment and condemnation, it really disturbs me because I don’t think that’s what Christianity is all about.

But I do think we’re all guilty of judging to some extent. I mean, that seems to be human nature. But I really do try to look for the good in people and not judge them because just as no one fully knows what it’s like to be in my shoes, I can’t fully comprehend what’s it’s like to be in anybody else’s. We all come from different backgrounds and different situations, and I think God will judge us based on our hearts even if we screw up from time to time. Heavenly Father knows we’re imperfect; that’s why we needed the Atonement of his perfect Son, because he knew we were human and would fall short.

I think so many people in many Christian religions, including mine, concentrate so much on the judgments of God that they forget how merciful he is, and I think that’s a huge thing to forget. But I do it, too, I know. There was a time in my life when I just felt guilty for every commandment I felt I wasn’t keeping and got down on myself because I wasn’t as perfect as I thought God expected me to be. Now, although I still do that to a much lesser extent, it has been made very clear to me that God loves me no matter what choices I make and that I’m supposed to make mistakes and allow myself to make them and learn from them. I mean, when I think about it, when I do things that disappoint my family, they may be disappointed, but that certainly doesn’t change their love for me, and if they, who are imperfect, can still love me in spite of my mistakes and frailties, then surely God, who is perfect, loves me no matter what, with an even deeper and more profound love than I can understand. And if friends and family members can forgive me for dumb mistakes, then surely God, who is perfect and has commanded all men to forgive, can forgive me for any wrongs I do.

I love my religion. I really do. And I believe my church, itself, is built on wonderful principles. But it is also filled with imperfect human beings, like myself, who don’t always do the right thing. All religions are that way, I suppose. In the last year or so I have become a bit disillusioned with organized religion. I don’t know that one has to attend a specific church to have a good relationship with God, and when I see some of the hypocrisy that comes out of certain religions, it disheartens me. I’ve known some atheists and homosexuals that are better Christians than some of the “Christians” I know. And these self-professed “Christians” are so busy attacking gay people and atheists and abortionists and what-have-you that I think they’re missing the point.

I see people like Gayle Ruzika, Chris Buttars, Dell Schanze (if you’re Utahn you’ll know who I’m talking about), Pat Robertson, Dr. Laura, etc. spewing ignorant nonsense, often in the name of Christianity; I see the double-standard of canceling showings of Brokeback Mountain or Transamerica while showing a violent piece of garbage like Hostel; I see local and federal legislators working on so-called “message bills” that would disban gay-straight alliances in schools or prevent gay couples from marrying or disallow the teaching of any sex-education but abstinence when there are big problems like health care or education or government corruption and mismanagement to deal with; I see people applauding a president for caring about the sanctity of life when thousands of people are dying because of mismanaged, unmerited war; I see Protestants and Catholics fighting, Jews and Muslims fighting; fundamentalists flying into buildings and killing thousands of people; religious leaders spewing messages of hate, and all in the name of God. It’s disheartening to me.

But, on the other hand, I see so much good in organized religion. I see people helping others, doing acts of service, being there for one another, trying the best they can to live good lives. But I don’t know that one necessarily needs organized religion to do that. That’s just people doing good. Still, I do like the fellowship that comes with organized religion.

For example, I like my ward (kind of like a parish, for those of you who don’t know Mormon terminology) very much. It’s actually one of the best wards I’ve ever been to. The people there are so kind and friendly, and I truly feel like they care about me and are concerned for me in a very genuine way. And my ward back home in Salt Lake City is terrific, too. And I enjoy being with people who share my faith and values.

There’s rarely any Sunday that passes by where I don’t have several ward members ask me how I’m doing or what I’m up to. Most of them call me by name, and I don’t always know who they even are or how they know my name. And they seem genuinely interested and concerned; it doesn’t feel like they’re doing it out of obligation (like I’ve experienced in other wards). My bishop shook my hand today and asked me how I was doing and what I was up to. It’s been a month since I’ve even been to church, and here’s this man being completely loving and genuine. I told him I was good, which is true. He asked if I was keeping busy, and I said yes, and he said that was good, it would keep me out of trouble. He just meant it as a joke, but I thought, “If he only knew the dilemma I’m in right now.” Then a guy from the singles group asked me if I was interested in joining them for a singles event. Fortunately, I won’t be able to because of school commitments (I’m kind of done with church singles activities). A woman asked me how school was going and said her daughter had seen my most recent show and enjoyed it We talked for a bit. I had a bunch of people shake my hand or just say hi. I enjoy that feeling of really being cared about by your fellow ward members. Would it were that way in all wards.

At the same time, though, I don’t always fit in. For example, I was in my ward today looking at my home teacher and his wife and their two kids or the couple in front of me with their three children, and I just thought, “That isn’t in my future.” I love kids very much, but I like them better if they’re somebody else’s. My religion is so big on temple marriage and family, and for much of my life those topics have just made me feel lonely and out of place because my religion’s idea of what makes a family is not necessarily the same as mine. When I would go to the temple (I haven’t been in almost two years), I would just feel out of place and lonely, and I would think, “Surely this isn’t what heaven is all about.” And sometimes when I go to church I just feel like I don’t always belong to the same flock. I often have more liberal view than some of my fellow Mormons (although I’m probably still quite conservative by the world’s standards), and sometimes I feel that what is in my heart (and I’m not just talking about homosexuality here) is not in complete line with what I’m being fed at church. Much of it is, of course, but there are other principles that just don't make sense to my heart. I'm not even saying they are wrong or right; they just don't always ring true.

But the irony is because of past experiences, I really do believe my church is the true church of God; I just feel I’m learning more and more that maybe I don’t have what it takes to live my religion fully, and that maybe that’s okay.

I was thinking yesterday about my relationship with Jonah, and how according to my religion, it’s “wrong.” I was walking on campus in such a happy mood because I thought to myself, “I’m in love. I have a boyfriend. I have somebody in my life that completes me (that sounds so gay (forgive the pun), but it was true).” But then there was the other part of me that just felt guilty. Not that Jonah and I have done anything wrong. But this relationship will not be sanctioned by my religion, and I have to figure out how to reconcile two entities I love very much. It’s a complicated road. In some ways, though, I feel the path I’ve been on was meant to go this way. I’ve always been kind of a half-hearted Mormon in some ways. I’ve believed in my religion, but haven’t always lived it as best as I could. And I also feel like I’ve tried very hard to do the things my church asked me to do, but my heart wasn’t always in it. And I feel like some of my greatest spiritual experiences didn’t come simply from my Mormon faith (although many have).

Jonah and I had a really good talk last night. We both declared our love for each other and even talked about how we really feel we’ve found a soul-mate in the other. We even talked about how we’d feel good being married to each other. I mean, we’ve essentially been dating for a year now (although we didn’t call it that) and have really gotten to know each other and have such a strong connection and friendship that I feel (as does he) that we’d be really good for each other. And if Jonah were a woman, it would be little problem for me to marry him in my church. But he’s not. And I now find myself questioning why it makes a difference. Why is it such a sin for two people of the same sex to love one another? It doesn’t make sense to me. It rarely has. And if God really does want me to live as my religion has asked me to, why does it seem so impossible and lonely to do so?

I was walking to the store yesterday, and I saw a homeless guy. It was quite chilly, and I tend to give money to the homeless. I was certainly cold, and he looked cold, and I proceeded to pull out all the spare change I had. It was only about a dollar fifty, and I apologized to him for not having very much, and he said, “Shit, man, you don’t have to be sorry. Every little bit helps. Thanks a lot.” He just seemed so grateful for my little pittance. It meant a lot to him. And as I left him, I cried, and I thought, “I’m a good person. I am. And so is Jonah. So where is the sin? We’re just two good people who love one another and want to be with another. What’s the big deal?”

I told Jonah last night, I just need time to process this all. This is all very new to me. Although I’ve dreamed about it, I’ve never actually allowed myself to act on my feelings for another man, and I’m still trying to figure out what this all means and what will bring me the greater happiness. Jonah, who also comes from a conservative Christian family, dealt with those issues long ago (although he still faces other challenges), so he understands what I'm going through, but doesn't feel guilty about our relationship the way I sometimes do. Fortunately, he’s very patient. But I can’t expect him to wait around forever while I make a decision, and frankly, I’m afraid if I wait too long, I might lose him, and that’s very troublesome. But Jonah understands my predicament (as best he can) and certainly doesn’t want me to rush into anything I’m not ready to rush into, so he’s willing to give me time. He’s been so good about it, and I really appreciate it. I’m just taking it one day at a time.

Now that Jonah knows about this blog, I catch myself wondering if I should censor any of my thoughts. But I’ve decided Jonah has always been very honest with me from the beginning, and I owe him the same courtesy. And since I’m not always as open as I would like to be, this is a good forum for complete honesty, I think.

I, unfortunately, have been having headaches lately. I know they’re due to stress because I rarely ever get headaches. I know Jonah will feel bad about that. He says over and over that he doesn’t want me to be stressed about all of this. It isn’t his fault. I just have a lot to think about and deal with. I’m just having a lot of conflicting feelings right now, and I’m sure it’s all just building up and giving me headaches.

You know, in the Mormon religion we’re taught that if we don’t live our lives they way we’re supposed to, we can’t be with our families in the eternities. We believe in three kingdoms, the Celestial (that’s where God lives and where we should be shooting for), the Terrestrial (Jesus rules that one), and the Telestial (the Holy Spirit governs that one). We’re told to strive to go to the Celestial Kingdom, but I’ve never really imagined that’s where I was going, nor did I feel I would be as happy going there as I would, say, the Terrestrial Kingdom, which is where I think most of the people I care about will end up and where I would probably be happiest. But from what I’ve read and heard in talks, all of the kingdoms are pretty good places to be. I’m paraphrasing this, but Joseph Smith (our first Latter-Day prophet) once said that if men knew how good the Telestial Kingdom (the lowest kingdom) was, they would kill themselves right now to be there. A modern-day apostle, Dallin H. Oaks, said in a talk, “The telestial kingdom…seems to me to be a precise description of the world’s concept of hell. The terrestrial kingdom seems to me to be a precise description of the world’s concept of heaven. The good people of the world will not be disappointed by the terrestrial kingdom. The bad people of the world will be utterly astonished to do as well as the telestial kingdom, for despite all of its relative drawbacks, it is a kingdom of glory reserved by a Father in Heaven who loves his children and ‘saves all the works of his hands.’” The fact that any of us are here on earth at all, according to the Mormon faith, already bodes well for us because we believe we chose to come here rather than follow Satan, so I feel our Father will reward us well and fairly based on our works. As for being with our families forever, I believe that anybody in the Celestial Kingdom can visit anybody in the lower kingdoms, and someone in the Terrestrial Kingdom can visit someone in the Telestial Kingdom, but not vice-versa. So I think if your family member ends up in a higher kingdom than you, that doesn’t mean you’ll never see them again. They can come visit you; you just can’t visit them. That’s not official Mormon doctrine; it’s just what I believe. And because I do believe I’m a good person, I believe I’ll end up where I will be happiest. God loves us all, and I think He wants all of us to be happy, and I feel like I’m learning every day that maybe my happiness lies more in my relationship with Jonah than it does with my church. That doesn’t mean I don’t still love my religion or that I don’t want to be involved in it anymore. Au contraire. But sometimes I feel like God is telling me that it’s okay to pursue this path with Jonah; that I have the free-agency to choose, and that the choice is mine to make, and that He will love me the same regardless. I may not receive all the rewards in the afterlife that He would like to give me, but I can still be very happy, both in this life and the next. Or maybe I’m just rationalizing. But it seems to me that in many ways, this path that Jonah and I are on together was intended and meant to be. I’m still working it out.

Sacrament Meeting was kind of dull today. In fact, one speaker prefaced his talk by saying that his wife thought he had been assigned one of the most boring topics ever. She wasn’t wrong; though, to his credit, he really did do his best to try and make it interesting. We had a great Sunday School lesson, on Joseph (of coat of many colors fame) which dealt a lot with trials and faith and forgiveness. I enjoyed it.

Last thought: I went and saw V for Vendetta last night with Jonah. I enjoyed it very much, though it disturbed me a bit because I felt some of the travesties portrayed in this movie’s future of 2020 weren’t terribly far from the possible truth of what might happen to us as a nation and world if we continue on the path some of us are on. But I thought it was worth seeing and certainly found it thought-provoking.

Well, if you’re still reading, my congratulations for sticking around. I told you it would be long.

Signs

I recently finished performing in a play. In the play, I played a Jewish man in love with a black woman at the turn of the century. Obviously because of the time in which it takes place and because of the religious and cultural differences in the two characters, theirs is unfortunately a love that cannot be.

People gave me a lot of compliments on my performance, for which I was grateful, but at the same time, this was never a difficult role for me to play. I know exactly how it feels to want someone and to be in love with someone and not be able to act on it because of religious views.

I remember rehearsing this play and often getting very emotional about the character's predicament, and I kept asking myself, "Why is it so wrong for these two characters to be together when they really love each other?" Of course, I understand that the repercussions of that kind of relationship would have been extremely serious at that time in history. But my heart ached for both characters. Eventually, he makes the choice to stay true to his religious beliefs (though I think her influence has made him more free-thinking) and she marries a black man who doesn't treat her well, and at play's end both characters are alone (although not necessarily unhappy).

I remember during rehearsals and the show that it was curious I was playing a character who was having such conflict in my life just as I was having similar conflicts between my religious views and my feelings for Jonah. My mom came to see the show, and I told her I didn't know what course I would be taking. Although not necessarily wild about me living my life as a gay man, she also said she understood and made it clear she would still love me regardless of what choice I make. My sister has expressed the same thing.

I've really wanted to tell Jonah about how I feel about him, but have never felt the time was right. I almost told him yesterday, but it wasn't the right time, and I knew it. But we're getting together today, and I plan on being absolutely honest with him (which means I love him, but I'm not yet sure what I want to do about it).

This afternoon I received an email from an old college friend who I haven't seen or heard from in about 15 years. Ironically, he's the first person I ever came out to before I gained my testimony of the LDS Church. And now I hear from him completely out of blue. I took it as a sign (I don't believe in coincidences).

Postscript: I told Jonah. As I surmised, he already knew. He made it clear he doesn't want me to stress out about it or feel any pressure from him about it, and he just wants me to be happy and is grateful for my friendship, and I feel the same way. I'm still not sure what this means, but it was at least nice to clear the air and get it out in the open. We had a really nice talk. He's a great guy. In a way, we're kind of in the same boat. He comes from a pretty conservative Christian family who isn't wild about his sexuality. In some ways, after talking with him, I think my family would deal with our relationship better than his would. As I've already said, my mom and sister have both been supportive even though they don't necessarily understand or agree with what I'm doing. But Jonah did say he would feel bad for me if I was excommunicated from my church and that he didn't want that. But I said if I acted on my feelings for him, that's what would happen. It's a dilemma because I do love him and I do love my religion. I know God will still love me and that my relationship with God won't necessarily change if I'm ever excommunicated, but my religion has been a major part of my life and is much of who I am, so being excommunicated (should that ever occur) would be difficult, I think. In any case, I'll write more later. I'm off to Disneyland tomorrow with Jonah. That should be fun. Haven't been there in a few years. Pirates of the Caribbean will be closed though. Boo!

My Thoughts on Sex

I’ve read a couple of interesting posts lately about sex on a couple of different blogs. I thought I’d chime in with my two cents.

First off, I’ve never had sex…with either a woman or a man (though I did come close with an ex-girlfriend). I’ve certainly masturbated, but I’ve never had sexual intercourse with another person. In some ways, I’m proud of the fact that I’ve remained a virgin because I really don’t want to lose my virginity to anyone but somebody I deeply love, and that person hasn’t come around yet (unless it’s Jonah, which it may very well be). On the other hand, there is a worldly part of me that thinks it’s a bit lame that I’m almost a 35 year-old virgin. But for the most part, I really am proud of the fact.

For me, I think sex is a very sacred, intimate thing between two people (whether one is gay, straight, bisexual, whatever), and I’ve never been one who was interested in having sex just to have sex. Obviously, the idea of having sex has held appeal, but I’ve always wanted it to be with someone I really love and care about.

When I was in my teens and twenties, I certainly was very horny (as I imagine most young men are at that age), but as I’ve gotten into my 30s, my sex drive has diminished a bit (although I’d still consider it a healthy sex drive), and now sex doesn’t necessarily hold as much appeal for me as love, friendship, and intimacy do. I really want to be with someone I love and care about, and certainly if the sex is good, that’s an added bonus. Don’t get me wrong, I think a healthy sex-life is important in a relationship, but I think love, friendship, and mutual respect are more important, because, really, if you don’t have those, what good is the sex in the long run? Good sex is only good for so long unless you have a solid foundation to build on. That’s just my opinion.

One thing I love about Jonah are his attitudes about sex and love and faith. Jonah is not LDS (Mormon). He is of another faith. But we really do have a lot of similar attitudes about a lot of different things, sex being one of them. Jonah also believes sex is not something to be casually given away and is something very personal and valuable. Like me, Jonah is a virgin as well. Unlike me, he has never been in a serious relationship with anyone. But he longs for it. He just wants somebody to be with and love and give himself to. Something I find refreshing about Jonah is he’s not into things like clubbing or drinking or casual sex (and I swear I’m not judging anyone who finds those pursuits rewarding). He’s much more interested in developing friendships and one-on-one situations and just talking. His faith is important to him (and me), and I feel he has a really close connection with God and the Holy Ghost. He really is one of the most sensitive, compassionate, generous, spiritual people I’ve ever met.

Jonah is really sensitive to the promptings of the Holy Ghost. He’s really good at sensing things (much better than I am). Even though I have never told Jonah that I have homosexual feelings (and, more specifically, feelings towards him), I actually think that he probably already knows, but is just being patient and letting me tell him in my own time.

When Jonah told me he was interested in me as more than just a friend, I never lied to him. I simply said I was unable to reciprocate his feelings, and that was true at the time. I didn’t tell Jonah I felt similar things for him, not because I didn’t trust him or think he wouldn’t understand, but because I wasn’t sure if that was a path I was ready to take myself, and I felt it would be harder for me to deal with and decide for myself what I wanted to do if he knew how I felt. But I think he already knows, and if I decide to pursue that path, I will tell him.
At the time, it didn’t feel like the right thing to do. Staying true to my testimony and my religion seemed like the right thing to do. These days I’m not so sure.

I really think God has put this terrific guy in my life, and I really think we would be good for each other. But I also need a confirmation from the Lord that following that desire is the right thing to do, and I just am not sure yet. We’ll see what happens.

Gay Mormon said an interesting thing about virginity in one of his posts: He said,

“I can see myself ‘giving it up’ just because I’m afraid ‘Mr. Amazing’ is going to move on if I don’t.”

I’m certainly in no way telling Gay Mormon how to live his life; those are his choices, and his alone, to make. But I would bring up the point that if “Mr. Amazing” is willing to move on simply because someone won’t “give it up” before it’s the right time to do it, then “Mr. Amazing” probably isn’t so amazing.

I’m 34 today, and in many ways I wonder if Jonah could very well be “The One,“ if there is indeed such a thing as “The One.“ If he were a woman, he’s just about everything my religion has told me to look for. Which is why this is such a difficult decision. Because I do indeed love my religion, and if I pursue this relationship, I know I can’t be both an active LDS member and a practicing gay man. It just isn’t possible within the tenets of my faith. But Jonah is indeed just about everything I’m looking for in a partner, so I have to decide if that relationship is worth leaving a church I honestly do love being a part of.

In a future post, I’d like to talk about how Jonah and I met (but that will have to wait for another day).

Hawaii Dave wrote a quote somebody said, which said,

"Guys won't date you for very long unless you have sex. That's the way it is. It's a fantasy to believe you can be a virgin and have a relationship. The options seem to be thus: you'll either date guys OR be active LDS."

and agreed with it.

I don’t believe that. Again, I’m not experienced in dating guys, but I believe that someone who truly cares about you (heterosexual or homosexual) will wait until you are both ready to give yourselves to one another. Maybe I’m a naïve idealist, but I believe that.

But who am I to give advice on relationships and sex? Take my words for what they’re worth to you.