Legal, Baby!

Five years ago on the day of our commitment ceremony, Jonah said to me, "Maybe we'll do this again in five years, and maybe then it will be legal."  At the time I thought we'd do it again somewhere like California.  Of course, I also knew that Jonah was referring to the fact that he would like a bigger ceremony and one that his family might attend.

Five years to the day Jonah and I were married legally...in UTAH of all places!!!!  Incredible.

I don't know what's going to happen as appeals are taken into consideration and when this reaches the supreme court, which it inevitably will.  But I've said in the past that this rolling stone can't be stopped.  Even if our marriage is declared invalid, which legal experts seem to think it won't be even if Judge Shelby's ruling is overturned; even if marriage between people of the same sex is once again outlawed in Utah, I think it will only be temporary.

And the optimist is me says gay marriage in Utah is here to stay.  I think the Supreme Court will find it unconstitutional to deny gay people that right.  In fact, the Utah case may very well become the springboard for all states having to recognize gay marriages...which would be the irony of ironies, in my opinion.

I think the Utah government is fighting a losing battle...and wasting precious tax dollars to do it.  But that is its prerogative, I suppose.

As for Jonah and me, our day was lovely.  We drove to St. George very, very early with a friend who would serve as one of our witnesses.  Because it was New Year's Eve, the Washington County Clerk's Office was scheduled to close at noon, so we wanted to get there as early as possible to make sure everything went through the way it was supposed to.

When Amendment 3 was overturned, Jonah and I had already asked for New Year's Eve (and New Year's Day) off because of our anniversary, and we had already been talking about getting married in California simply for tax and health insurance purposes.  That all this was occurring so close to our anniversary in the state where I was raised and where we had our commitment ceremony seemed fateful, so we decided to go to Utah and get married.

Some friends advised us to get married before our anniversary date in case the state was allowed a stay on same-sex marriages, but we figured if it was meant to be it would happen, which it did.

The county clerk's office was not busy at all, fortunately, and we were were prepared with everything we needed to apply for a marriage license.  The lady who helped us was very nice.  Because this happened so quickly and unexpectedly in Utah, the application forms still say "bride" and "groom," of course, so they had to white that part out to accommodate for two grooms.

We actually completed the process so quickly that we had an hour to spare before our minister and our other witness were to meet us.  Our friend who had driven with us offered o treat us to a wedding breakfast at a nearby diner, so we went there and ate, and it was nice.  Very large portions, too.

It was quite an eclectic crowd.  To the side of us was a redneck and his family and in back of us was a financial advisor talking to his friend about investing his money, and then of course, at our table was the gay couple about to get married in conservative St. George.

Jonah had picked out our outfits which consisted of custom-made tuxedo tee shirts with rainbow bow ties and metallic red roses:

black cardigans, skinny black jeans, and nice shoes.  We looked cute:

I kind of hoped the redneck nest to us at the diner wouldn't notice our attire.  But maybe he didn't care either way.  In any case, he didn't seem to notice.

We had found our minister through a Facebook acquaintance of mine.  We don't many people in St. George, but we knew some marriages had been performed there, so we asked my acquaintance if he knew anybody who had officiated.  He put me in touch with a friend of his who had gotten married in St. George, and that friend put us in touch with the minister who had married him and his partner.  She was more than happy to do it.

We didn't meet her until the day of the wedding.  She told us she would be wearing a purple top and black bottoms (actually, it was the other way around).  Purple is both Jonah and my favorite color.  I took that as a good sign.

I had also called two mutual friends who live in the St. George area and who I've performed on stage with and asked if one of them would serve as our other witness.  They were delighted to come.  I also found out one of them is an ordained minister as well, so he could have married us, too, if the need had arisen.  Also fortunate was that both friends are good photographers so they took pictures of our wedding (which arent the pictures posted here).

At ten in the morning, our friends and the minister arrived.  We immediately liked the minister and hit it off with her.  The friend who had driven in with us hit it off with my two friends, which was not unexpected.

The minister asked us what specifically we wanted to do in our ceremony.  We had arranged to exchange say a little something to each other and then exchange rings.  Nothing big.

We went outside the clerk's office and proceeded to get married.  It was a beautiful day, and I loved that we got married in front of a palm tree.

We began the service with Jonah saying a prayer.  I actually can't remember much of what he said, just that we were grateful to be here in Utah getting married legally.

The minister commenced while my friends took pictures.  Then we shared our thoughts with one another.  I told Jonah that we've been together eight years, and that five years ago we made a formal commitment to unite with one another.  I said it had been a hard year for both of us with his dad and my mom passing away, but what a great way to end the year by getting married.  I told him he drives me crazy at times, but there is no one I would rather have drive me crazy than him.  I told him he's changed my life and made me a better person and how lucky I am to have him and how much I love him and then I placed the ring I bought him six and a half years ago on his finger.

Jonah went next.  He reminded me that at our commitment ceremony I had vowed to help him plant 24 rose bushes in our yard and said that I did and now our yard is blooming with flowers.  The garden we have represents the life we have built and cultivated together.  He told me how much he loved me and then placed my ring on my finger.

I was surprised over how emotional I got.  It was like a repeat of our commitment ceremony.  Jonah even joked that he's not a "big baby" like me (which is completely untrue).

The minister asked me if I took Jonah to be my husband.  I resoundingly answered, "I do."  She asked Jonah if he took me to be his husband, and Jonah said, "I do."  And then the minister happily pronounced us married.  And I kissed my guy and gave him a hug.

 

Then we gave the minister a hug.

And then our friends hugged us.  It was a very exciting a joyous moment.  I also told Jonah later that I felt our deceased parents were with us there.

We had invited Jonah's mother, but she didn't want to go, not because she didn't approve, but because she wanted to stay close to home for the holidays.  She later told us she thought we were going to Salt Lake City and that if she had realized we were going to St. George, she probably would have gone.  I wish she had.  I think it would have been good both for her and Jonah.

After the ceremony, we filled out the official paperwork, signing both our license (the official document) and our marriage certificate (the souvenir document).

Then we filed our document with the clerk's office and the clerk gave us our legal copy and also asked the minister for her name in case other gay couples needed an officiator.  My friend also volunteered his services. 

So Jonah and I are now legally married in Utah. 

 

 

 

After the wedding we all went out for coffee and breakfast (I didn't eat as I had just eaten) and just chatted.  It was really nice. 

 

The minister didn't charge us for her services, saying it was her pleasure and opted to take one of Jonah's art pieces instead.  That was cool.  Saved us 150 bucks.

Eventually we said goodbye to the minister and our friends from St. George and drove back home.  Boy, were we tired.  When we got home, Jonah and I crashed.

We decided to go see Kristin Chenoweth in concert as a wedding gift to ourselves.  It was a great concert.  She has such an amazing voice.  There were a lot of songs that really felt inspirational to me.  Her last number was a beautiful and simple arrangement of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and once again I could feel Mom smiling down on us.

She also sang "I Will Always Love You" by Dolly Parton, a perfomer Jonah loves.  It just made everything feel right.

I've had several gay friends say legal marriage feels different.  I would have to agree.  I don't know why, but it does.  In my words to Jonah during the ceremony I said that this paper doesn't change the fact that we've been married all this time.  And in many ways, that's true.  But in others, it really does make a difference.

I also like that when I'm filling out applications and such now, I can definitively mark "married" when asked about by marital status.

Life is great!  I couldn't have found a better man to spend my life with.


Moving Forward

I haven't posted in a bit because I'm staying at my mom's house, and she still has a dial-up internet connection, and a very slow one at that. So I can only post late at night when I know nobody will call us (although if they were smart they'd call us on our cell phones, but they don't). Anyway, I've been back home in Utah for a week, and even though I've greatly enjoyed visiting with my family, I am incredibly bored. It's weird going from being full-time graduate student with no free time to being unemployed and having absolutely nothing to do. I have made use of the time by reading and catching up on some movies I wanted to see.

I miss Jonah, which is a good thing. It reminds me how much I love him. He's been bored without me, too, but he starts a new job on Monday, and I'm pretty sure he won't be bored for long.

As for me, I still don't know what my employment situation is yet. I'm waiting for a local theater here in Utah to let me know if they have a summer spot for me in their schedule, but I haven't heard anything yet. I'm planning on going back to where I was in a week and find a job there if I haven't heard anything by then. This theater job may not work out anyway because I found out I have to be back to school a week before the summer show closes. I guess I'll leave it in the hands of God or fate. I really would like to have an acting job for the summer, but at the same time, I'd like to get back to Jonah.

I got together with a really good friend yesterday (we'll call her Amy). Amy and I are such good friends, and we have another good friend, Rick (who we'll be hanging out with next week). I love them both dearly and we really have a wonderful relationship with one another. I haven't seen Amy since Christmas, and it was so wonderful to see her. She knows about my issues, and I know about all of hers. The cool thing about both Amy and Rick (and me, I hope) is that we really try not to be judgmental (at least of each other). Anyway, Amy's activity in the LDS Church has been waning for a while now. She's a recovering alcoholic who's taken to drinking again. But she still serves in the Primary (the kids' group at church for those of you who don't know Mormon-speak), and her bishop knows about her issues. Anyway, she's a great person, and I love her dearly. It's weird that we're in a similar place in our lives as far as church activity goes. We're still both semi-active, we're both doing things that are contrary to our religion's teachings, we both have positive feelings towards the LDS church, and we also are at a point where we're realizing that life is a journey with many twists and turns and sometimes what we perceived our path to be is turning out not necessarily to be the path we should take.

Although it still isn't easy, the message I feel like I'm getting from God lately is that life is meant to be lived and that one has to move forward, even if one risks making mistakes. The thing not to do is to stay stagnant or motionless. Make a choice even if you're afraid of the consequences. It's better than just standing still. I stress that this is the answer I've been getting in my own personal prayers. I don't claim it to be anyone else's answer.

Jonah and I had a discussion recently that was hard but necessary. Jonah is always making jokes about us breaking up, and they bother me, and I told him so, accusing him of using them as a defense mechanism against the possibility that we could break up. What I failed to realize until after our conversation is that I do the same thing, but in a different way. I regularly bring up how hard this relationship is and how I don't know what the right thing to do is and how it might not work out. I told myself I was doing this to prepare him if things don't work out. But I realized that isn't true. He already knows that. He doesn't need reminding. The fact is it's my defense mechanism against the fear I feel. At first, I thought I was afraid of the consequences our relationship would have as far as my standing in the church (and in the afterlife) are concerned. And while that's true to an extent, I think it's simply out of fear of letting myself love someone so deeply. I have been hurt in my past relationships so many times that I have built up a wall and refused to allow myself to get close enough to somebody to really let them in because I am afraid to get hurt again. I know that's silly, but it's the way I am. Jonah is one of the few people I've met in my life who can see past all the crap I've built around me and loves me in spite of it (or because of it). It actually annoys me how perceptive he is, and yet, it's exactly what I need. It also astounds me how much he seems to love me (and who knows why he does; I would have dumped me a long time ago), and I think that's what I need, too. Sometimes I feel guilty because I wonder if I love Jonah as much as he seems to love me, and then I remind myself that, yes, I do; I just have this defense mechanism that I'm very good at that helps me not feel as deeply as I really do. I'm really good at shrugging off things and pretending I don't care (or even convincing myself that I don't). I'm really good at detaching myself (and yet the irony is I get very attached to people). In any case, I'm learning that I really do love Jonah as much as I think I do. He truly is one of the best relationships I've ever had.

But I'm scared of commitment, and I'm scared of letting go, and I'm scared of loving with all of my heart rather than just pieces of it, and, yes, I'm scared of displeasing God or setting a bad example or what-have-you. And, yet, as I said, I feel like I'm learning that a life lived in fear is no life at all (something I'm paraphrasing from Foxx's website). We're here to live and love and make mistakes and learn from mistakes and have experiences and learn from those experiences. I love my religion. I really do. But one thing I'm learning about religion (including mine) is that often it paralyzes us rather than helps us move forward. God put Jonah in my life for a reason, and I feel like I'm learning that it's okay to love him. It may not be everyone's path, but it may very well be mine.

Tomorrow I'm going to church with my mom and sister. I imagine I'll be seeing my old bishop, who's a very good friend. If he asks about my situation, I'll be candid and honest: that as much as I love my religion, I just don't know that I can fully live it the way I've been asked to. I don't know what will happen (nor do I know what will happen with Jonah and me), but like my friend Amy said last night (and I'm paraphrasing), "Life is not a path that moves straight forward or straight back or straight side to side, but is constantly weaving and circling, and it's okay. All relationships, yours included, have their difficulties and challenges, but it's rare when you find that special someone who makes your life and relationship complete, so when you do find someone like that, it's best to hang on to them."

I admit that although I came to Utah to see my family, I also came here to take some time to think about my relationship with Jonah unencumbered, and I'm pretty sure that Jonah, perceptive guy that he is, knows that. And although I still vacillate, what have I learned? That I miss and love Jonah and am so grateful that he is a part of my life. I may not show it (again that pesky defense mechanism), but it's true. Do I know what the future holds? No. But does anybody? Live. Move forward. Take action. Do something. Be happy. That is what I'm learning.

When I think of my life pre-Jonah, it wasn't bad. I wasn't unhappy. But life seems richer and fuller and more eye-opening now that he's in my life, and I like that. Anyway, that's all for now.