God's Perfect Love and Knowledge

I wish I could fully express what I've felt in my heart the last couple of days, but I know that the feelings I've felt can't be expressed properly here. I was reading a book recently and really received a strong impression regarding God's love for me. What became really clear to me was that God isn't judgmental. God doesn't judge us the way we often judge each other. There is nothing but love in his attitude towards us. This doesn't mean I don't believe we won't be judged for our sins. What it does mean is that there is no judgment behind it, at least not as we define it here in our mortal realm, if that makes any sense. I just felt so strongly that God views us with an eye of perfect knowledge and doesn't judge us the way we judge each other and ourselves. Words can't express the thought I'm trying to communicate, which is somewhat frustrating, but I just wanted to share this because I know so many of us get down on ourselves for so many various reasons, and God isn't viewing us in that way at all. So many times in my life I have felt God is disappointed in me or frustrated by my continually making the same mistakes or angry because I've done something wrong, and this spiritual impression made me see things so differently. I've known for some time that God loves me unconditionally, but I saw something different when this experience happened. We are truly here to learn and have different experiences, and God is not sitting there eyeing us, saying to himself, "Oh, he messed up again," or "What is wrong with him? Why can't he learn this lesson?". He is simply watching us with love and support and knows exactly what each of us is facing and just loves us. I really felt that life is for learning, not for punishing or condemning. So many times we do that to ourselves and each other and feel like failures or feel feelings of disappointment or self-loathing when we screw up. I just felt so strongly that God doesn't have those feelings towards us. He is simply filled with perfect, absolute love. It's a concept I certainly don't understand fully because it's hard in this mortal existence not to transfer our human feelings onto God, but I really feel he isn't passing judgment on us; He is simply loving us and helping us and thinks no less of us when we fail. Again, my words are clumsy and inadequate. My ideal would be to somehow transfer the feelings I felt to all of you who struggle because the experience really gave me hope and made me realize that God is not in the condemning business; He is truly a loving Father.

You know, I've really been learning a lot lately about myself and Heavenly Father and my relationship with Him, and the irony is that I'm learning a lot of different things from a different perspective. I'm kind of living my life with one foot still in the church and one outside of it, and I'm feeling that no matter what I do, God loves me more than I can ever possibly understand (at least in this life), and that things are going to be okay.

A great irony in my life is that I still believe quite strongly that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is God's true church on the earth, but as I've read the words of the Prophet and Apostles (specifically concerning this issue) lately, I just find that I can't seem to reconcile the reality that is my life with what I believe and know to be true, and that whether my acting on my gay feelings is God's will or not, somehow things are going to be okay. It doesn't make sense to me, but it feels right somehow, and I don't understand why. All I know is that God sees life all at the same time as opposed to the linear way in which we view it and that he loves me and knows what is best for me, and somehow living my life with Jonah at this time in my life seems like what I'm supposed to do. I keep asking God if I'm being deceived or if I'm rationalizing my actions. I still don't know the answers to those questions for sure, but somehow I feel that I was meant to be with Jonah, and that things will be okay, and I guess that will have to suffice.

You know, the other day a friend was asking me how I liked graduate school, and I was telling him all the good things about it and said that when I prayed about where I should go for graduate school two years ago that it was very clear to me spiritually that I needed to go to this school. And that is how I met and feel in love with Jonah. And my friend (who doesn't know about my sexual preferences) said, "Well, maybe that's where you will meet your wife," and I felt a strong impression that Jonah was the person I was meant to be with. Again, as far as what I've believed and known to be true, that seems contradictory, but somehow it seems right. I just feel I have to trust that Heavenly Father knows what He's doing and that this choice is right for me right now.

You know, I remember when my sister married her husband. They both felt so strongly that they needed to get married, and yet, to the rest of my family (including myself) it seemed so wrong, and we were all against it. Now, five years later, I see that God sees all from beginning to end, and I believe the direction he gave them, even though it seemed contradictory and hasty at the time, was probably for the best for her, him, her step-kids, and their daughter. It seemed so wrong, and yet now I don't believe it was, and it took me some time to get to that point. I guess the point I'm making is that somehow being with Jonah feels like the right thing to do even though on a gospel level, it seems wrong. I don't know, but I do know we love each other.

One final thought: also as I was reading this book this quote stuck in my head:

"...earth life is a gift. It is a school to learn how love manifests in the physical dimensions where bodies and emotions exist. But the school has many playgrounds, and those need to be used. The physical life is meant to be enjoyed. This is one reason you have been given the senses. Be good people. Have fun and enjoy yourselves. Enjoy the simple yet abundant pleasures of life while not harming other people or other things, like nature.
"Be more gentle... Don't do harm to others."

Be the best, most loving person you can be. Less judging, more loving; both to ourselves and others. That's what the Spirit was really telling me this week.

Mistakes and Fiddler on the Roof

I seem to have a musical theme running through my blogs now.

I was in dance class today, and we had a guest instructor. He asked the question, “How many of you beat yourself up when you make mistakes?” I raised my hand high because I tend to do that, especially in dance class (I wouldn’t call dancing my forte). He said something I already knew, but it was nice to be reminded. He asked what happens when we make a mistake. What does it do? And one girl said, “It helps us know what we did wrong, thereby allowing us to figure out how to do it right,” and the instructor said, “Yes, exactly. So often we view mistakes as these terrible things. We view them as our enemy, when in fact they are our friends. By making mistakes, we realize how not to do something, which helps us better understand how to do it correctly (or more correctly) next time. So from this day forward, think of mistakes as your friends.” Again, something I know, but it’s always nice to have it reinforced.

I think we were put on this earth to make mistakes and learn from them. After all, if life is indeed a test, don’t we need to make mistakes? You can’t really test whether something works or not unless you are able to use trial and error. So for all of you out there who, like me, berate yourselves and punish yourselves for making mistakes (even if it’s the same mistake over and over again), calm down and allow mistakes to be made. It’s how we learn and grow.

Today in one of my classes we discussed the musical, Fiddler on the Roof. One of the women in the class was talking about the song, “Matchmaker, Matchmaker” and was saying how she really loved the song because it reminded her of her own search for love. She was pointing out several mutual friends in the class who had a significant other in their lives and how she was envious and was just hoping one day she would find her “Mr. Right.” And I thought to myself how fortunate I really am to have Jonah in my life. He really is just about everything I’ve been looking for in a significant other.

Then the woman talked about “Miracle of Miracles” and said that song touched her, too, because it reminded her that life really is a miracle and of all the miracles in her life that she is grateful for. And that reminded me what a miracle Jonah is in my life and blessed I am that he is a part of my life.

We listened to a song from another musical, Fiorello, called, “I’ll Marry the Very Next Man.” The song itself basically tells the story of a woman who just doesn’t want to be alone anymore, in spite of the cost. And I thought to myself, “I just don’t feel like being alone anymore, and I’ve found this great guy, so why do I need to be?”

Another point was brought up about Fiddler on the Roof where someone brought up the point that these people had to go through so many trials and talked about what good might have come after so much bad. What blessings and rewards come after so much misery and heartache? And I thought that even if taking my relationship with Jonah to a higher level turned out to be a mistake, I would still learn something valuable from that experience, and if it isn’t a mistake then I have a valuable, fulfilling relationship in my life, so don’t I still win either way?

Foxx wrote a nice thought-provoking comment (my favorite kind) to my last post. The basic gist, as I understood it, was that in order to figure out what's true for me, I have to be willing to give up what I think might be true and compare it with the new truth I'm testing in my life and see which one works better for me or makes me happier. Like he said, "saying it doesn't make it easier, but free thinking is all about making decisions for yourself based on your own experience and morality."

The LDS Church has provided me with a lot of joy, and I had the most life-changing, profound spiritual experience I have ever had, either before or since, back in 1991, which is even too personal to post on this anonymous blog. But it is the most real experience I've had in my life, and I was left with the knowledge that the LDS Church was true and that homosexuality was not the path I should follow. There is a cliche phrase used in our testimony meetings that says we know something is true "with every fiber of our being," and back in 1991 I really felt I was able to say that regarding my testimony of the LDS Church. It literally changed my life from night to day, and I have spent my life since then trying to live according to that knowledge. Now things don't seem so clear, but that doesn't mean I believe that truth has changed. There is a famous line from the play Inherit the Wind where one character asks another, "Why is it, my old friend, that you have moved so far away from me?" and the other character responds, "All motion is relative. Perhaps it is you who have moved away - by standing still." I sometimes wonder if it is me who has moved away from what is true or if I have failed to progress to new truths because I have stood still.

I remember a couple of years back a friend of mine, whose son had come out of the closet, and I were talking about my situation, and she suggested that maybe this revelation I had back in 1991 was true for where I was in my life at that time, but that it wasn't necessarily true for me now. At the time, I didn't agree, but I have wondered of late if that might not be the case.

I am extremely grateful for the knowledge I received back then. Had I not, I know my relationship with God would be very strained today, if even existent at all, and I would have made choices that would have taken me down a much more dangerous and unhappy path than the one I have been on. I also would very likely not have met Jonah at all and would certainly have a much different character than the one I have today. So it was good, and I in no way regret where that knowledge has led me.

And I even still believe the LDS Church is true. I really do. This experience I had would make it very difficult for me to feel otherwise. But I also feel like I'm learning that I belong in a certain place in God's plan and that maybe it isn't necessarily the place other members of my church assume I should be in.

There are no easy answers. I mean if I do indeed believe my church is true, then I have to believe that my prophet is an inspired man whom the Lord speaks through and that acting on my homosexual feelings is wrong and that following the precepts of my religion is the way to happiness. Of course, that involves an enormous amount of faith; faith which I'm not always sure I have enough in. I don't expect everyone to understand this, but I have to wonder if it's better to rely on my faith for a religion I've always tried to exercise faith in even if it means I don't get what I think I want right now. Still thinking about that one.