Prayers for Jonah

Jonah's family is having a harder time accepting his situation than mine is (although a couple of his siblings have been more supportive than he had imagined). Jonah's home life is not as smooth as mine has been. Anyway, I know he's going through some tough stuff right now, so I hope all of you in blogland will keep him in your thoughts and prayers (every little bit helps, right?).

My mom went to a ward function this evening, and several people had commented to her about what a nice testimony I gave on Sunday (see previous post). She wondered silently what they would think if they really understood what I was going through. I told her that was nice of them, but that I also wondered what they would think of me if they knew my situation. I'm sure many would be okay, but I know some who would have thoughts like, "He used to be such a good kid. What happened?" Mom said she had similar thoughts. I guess it's not easy on anybody. But like I told Jonah tonight, "We can't control how other people are going to react; we can only do our best to live the best lives we can."

My ex-girlfriend, Lisa, wrote me today. You can read more about her here. She and I have just started communicating again after about an eight year hiatus. Her husband (who never really liked me early on in their marriage) is okay with it, too. We're just so happy to be in each other's lives again. I've missed my friend (and she feels the same way). Anyway, she said something very nice in her letter that I didn't necessarily expect. She said:

"Okay...I'm going out on a limb for a moment here. I would never want to give anyone advice contradictory to the church, but it sounds to me like you'd be happiest with Jonah. I suppose the question then is, do you choose your peace of mind and happiness, or do you choose the church? Either choice will bring some heartache.

"...I have to believe that the God I have come to know over the course of my struggles is full of compassion and mercy. I have to believe that if one of my boys came to judgment full of tattoos, piercings, long hair, reeking of smoke and stumbling up the steps because of alcohol, that God would STILL throw his arms around him and welcome him home. I think that there cannot be a 'blanket judgment'...I think each person will be judged on a case by case basis, taking all our life's challenges into consideration. I always tell my kids that God only expects us to do our best, and if our best falls a bit short, it will be okay. You have done your best, Cody, and I think some mercy will be given when that days comes and you face God. I truly believe that some people's minds are 'wired' a bit differently and as hard as you have tried not to feel the way you do about Jonah, there is little you can do.

"...the point I want to make is that should you decide to stay with Jonah and let that be your life's choice, I think God will still have room for you in his kingdom. He loves you and knows of your struggle. One day, things will be made right..."

Whether her words are simply comforting to me, they really rang true when I read them today (and do so now as I reread them). I really feel like I'm destined for a different path at this juncture of my life and that things are going to be okay. I also think it's no coincidence that Lisa has come back into my life at this particular time and delievered these particular words to me. I really think it means something.

Another friend, very active in the church and very intelligent, said something that I felt God wanted me to hear. She said, "I really think there is more to it than we really understand." She was referring to the gospel and life, but not in application to my particular issue, but something about it really resonated with me as far as my issues go. I can't explain it; I just felt a certain truth that is helping me feel more at ease about things.

Back to Lisa. As I said in my previous post about her, she has a mental illness, and in catching me up on the events of her life since we last communicated, she explained all the horrific realities she has had to face in her life because of her illness, and I was just overwhelmed by it all. Just as other people can't fully understand what I go through with my problems, her issues are unfathomable to me. When I've read what she and her family have had to deal with I was saying to myself, "I'm so glad I have gay feelings and don't have her problems." She's doing reasonably well, but it made me think that if we had gotten married like we planned, it would have been a disaster. A bisexual and a manic-depressive; what a Molotov cocktail that would have made. I know my nature, and I really don't think I would have handled her issues well at all. My issues would have probably been difficult for her as well. I give great kudos to her husband. He has stood by her through a lot of awful stuff. I know it's been incredibly difficult for both of them.

I remember when she broke it off with me and how unfair I thought it was and how I could never imagine finding someone that I loved as much as I felt I loved her. Now in retrospect I'm so incredibly glad things worked out the way they did; for both of our sakes. It just shows me that God knows every facet from beginning to end, and that's one reason why I believe that this relationship is the right things for me in spite of the fact that it seems to be contradictory as far as what I know to be true. There is something I will glean from all of this that will draw me closer to my Father in Heaven. I just feel it. I can't explain it, and I know there will be naysayers who think I'm delusional, but the only people who can really know the path I need to take are me and the Lord. I just feel I have been led to this place in my life and this relationship, and I am going to count the blessings I have because of it all.

Anyway, that's it for now.

Letter to Gayle

Here is an email I wrote to my friend, Gayle, and her response:

Hey Gayle,

I read your opinion piece recently in the Salt Lake Tribune, and I wanted you to know that I appreciated it very much. I've never told you this, but I actually deal with homosexual feelings myself, and although I have tried very hard to live my life according to the precepts of Mormonism, I find it increasingly difficult to do so as each year passes. The irony is that I still believe the Church is true; I am just wondering if maybe God has another path in mind for me right now.

These last two years while I've been away at college...have been very instrumental in my growth. I met a really great guy there who I love very much, and I am currently in the process of deciding whether to be with him permananently or whether I should stay true to my testimony of the LDS Church. As I'm sure you understand, there are no easy answers.

I have always, always appreciated your attitudes regarding this subject and have always loved how nonjudgmental you are about it. Of course, I know it is a subject close to your heart as it is to mine. It was refreshing and well expressed what you wrote for the Tribune. I truly appreciate it.

By the way, I have a blog I keep online (anonymously), and I reprinted your opinion piece (I hope that's okay). I don't know if you'd be remotely interested in reading any of my blog, but if you are, you can find it at http://gayldsactor.com.blogspot.com/

I'm still not fully out of the closet yet, so I would appreciate you keeping what I've told you confidential for now.

Thanks.

Love you and miss you

Cody



Oh, Cody, you made me cry! I'm so glad you read the op-ed piece and if it helped you in any way, then it's worth every hate letter I get! :) Actually, there has only been one negative response in the Letters to the Editor and one person mailed me a packet of material to convince me of the error of my ways. :) But we think the latter is from a woman who fell in love with my gay brother and never forgave him for not marrying her...because he is gay. Mind you, they were never a couple. She knew he was gay. Very strange. :)

I have had many, many positive responses. People in church on Sunday told me they appreciated the piece, agreed with me and thanked me for writing it. High profile, active LDS people in the community have called and expressed the same thing. People at work, all in agreement. And emails from strangers, families with gay members, who finally heard what they've been needing to hear for a long time. I am humbled and amazed at the response. One of my other brothers (I have a bunch of them) is the 2nd Councilor in his Stake Presidency in Rhode Island. When they received the "letter" from the First Presidency, he went to his Stake President and proffered his resignation, saying that he could not support the letter. His Stake President wouldn't let him resign, thank goodness.

As I tried to explain to my step-son, I have prayed for many, many hours about this. I have complete peace in my heart. I am not confused or struggling or in conflict. My patriarchal blessing claims I have the gift of discernment. I've relied on that gift my whole life. I don't understand why I should have such peace with my belief that homosexual relationships are not immoral. That position is so clearly in conflict with the church's position. And I'm guessing that there are church leaders who feel at peace with their belief that it is immoral. I don't know why we are getting different personal answers. Nevertheless, I can't deny that belief any more than I can deny my faith and belief in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. But I will some day meet my maker and I am not at all worried that my stands on homosexuality will even be discussed. I'll have to explain plenty of other things!, but not this.

I am so grateful for your friendship. It means so much to me. Thank you for writing to me and rest assured that I will keep your confidence. My best friend from high school came out of the closet about 16 years ago at the age of 35. Like you, he loves the church and the gospel. He served a mission in Guatemala. I'm going to direct him to your website. I'm sure he has insights that I can't even imagine. He has been in a committed relationship now for about 8 or 9 years, I think. He's an extraordinary pianist and I can't help but think what a loss it is to the church not to embrace and appreciate and love and accept so many like him and my brother.

Love you and miss you, too. Please stay in touch. Love, Gayle

Email From My Sister-In-Law

The other day I received the following email from my sister-in-law:

Dear Cody,

I have always wanted to have the chance, now that you are home, to sit down
and really have a talk with you (heart to heart). I really have felt a
connection with you in the past and have felt your love and support during
some difficult times in my life. However I never seem to find the right
time. I don't know how you would feel about talking about your feelings and
challenges in a room full of family members. It seems that when ever I come
someone else does too. The last thing that I would want to do is put you in
an uncomfortable position. I would also hate for you to interpret my silence
as a lack of care or concern. So many times I have wanted to wrap my arms
around you and tell you how much I love you but I didn't want that to be
weird. So I have decided to talk to you this way until you let me know how
you feel about the other.
How are you doing? Sometime it seems that I can see the pain in your eyes.
What can I do to help? Is this something that you want to talk about or
not? Please let me know how you feel. I am alway here for you. I love you.

Here was my response:

I wouldn't mind having that heart-to-heart myself. In all honesty, I don't mind talking about it in front of everybody. Obviously, I like the one on ones, but if you're ever here on your own and Mom and [my sister] are here, too, I certainly don't mind talking about it in front of them. Mom's already gotten quite an earful. :-)
I've never interpreted your silence as a lack of care or concern. I know how very much you love and care about me. And don't ever feel that it would be weird for you to hug me and tell me how much you love me. I would welcome it.
I wish I could tell you that all is well as far as this issue is concerned. I wish I could tell you that my testimony is so strong that I can overcome my challenges and stay true to the Church. I wish I could tell you the answers are so black and white that there is no question as to what my choice should be. But I can't do that. I'm literally torn between two entities I love very much (Jonah and the Church), and even though I wish my faith were strong enough to stick with the path I've tried ardently to travel these last few years, I don't know that it is.
Jonah has been absolutely great through all this. He has been very patient and understanding and has never pushed me to make a choice either way. The other day I wrote him an email telling him how hard this is and he thought I was saying I couldn't be with him and told me if I needed to choose the Church to be happy, then that's what I should do. But that devastated me (and him as well). I have never been so sad in a long time as I was when I thought I would lose him. And I was upset because I just didn't know how much more of this I could take or what God expected of me anymore.
I love the Church. I really do. And it would make me sad to leave it. I don't want that. I'm still active. I still try to do those things I'm supposed to do. But it just doesn't seem to be enough, and I don't understand why. In many ways I feel like I'm a good Christian, but that I'm failing as a Mormon.
All I know is that I really love Jonah and he loves me more than anybody has in any romantic relationship I've been in. This relationship is one of the most satisfying ones I've ever had, and if it's wrong, it really confuses me because it feels right. This is a gut-wrenching, soul sucking decision I have to make, and I wish I could tell you I'm going to "choose the right," but I just don't know that I am. I'm tired of pretending I'm something I'm not. I'm tired of trying to live my life a certain way and not getting results. I'm tired of being alone and having nothing to look foward to but being alone. I've finally found somebody I can see myself being very happy with, and yet God tells me I can't? It just doesn't make sense anymore.
I wish there was something you could do to help. I don't know what that is. I don't even know the answers. How can expect people who've never walked in these shoes to fully be able to help? All I ask is that you love and support me. If I make what you deem to be a "wrong decision," I hope you'll still always love and support me, whether you agree with me or not.
It's a heavy burden I carry in this life. I don't know why it's mine, but it is, and I feel I've done the best I could. I feel I've tried to live the best, most Christian life I've been capable of living. If that's not enough, I just don't know what else to do.
I'm sorry if these aren't the words you want to hear, but it's what I currently feel.

I love you very much and thank you for your continual prayers and support.

Love,

Cody

I also have an email I'd like to post from my friend, Gayle, who wrote the op-ed piece in this post, but I'm waiting to hear from her before I do that.

That's all. Church was good today, but frustrating at the same time.

Family Values

A good friend of mine submitted an opinion piece for the Salt Lake Tribune. I thought she expressed her thoughts beautifully. I've put the article here, without permission.

Support and acceptance are the true family values
Utah Voices
Gayle Hayes Castleton
Salt Lake Tribune

Not certain why I feel compelled to write, but I do. I don't expect to change any minds. There is nothing the other side could say that would change my mind, so I doubt I will change their minds. Perhaps I just feel a need to add my voice to those courageous voices speaking out in support of the homosexual community.
I'm a middle-age, heterosexual, LDS, married twice, mother of four, born and raised in very white, very Mormon Bountiful, Utah. When that is all someone knows about me, they expect that I support an anti-gay marriage amendment, that I don't consider same-sex couples a family, and that I believe homosexual "behavior" immoral.
I am profoundly saddened by those assumptions. I don't want to be associated with the defamation and hatred that accompanies the anti-gay rhetoric.
I do have a personal stake in this issue. My beloved brother is gay. He and his long-time partner are two of the most moral people I know. I wish I were as good a person as they. Of course, we've had conversations, lots of conversations. One in particular, years ago, involved the potential discovery of physiological evidence for homosexuality. I commented on how great it would be to put that argument to rest.
Surprisingly, he said it wouldn't be great at all. He said, "If they find a physical cause for homosexuality, they'll also find a way to test for it in the womb. Then homosexuals will be aborted before they are even born." The thought was horrifying. Then my brother smiled and said, "Then who would decorate your house, style your hair and design your clothes?"
Setting aside the stereotypes and my brother's sense of humor, think about it. I am certain that there are those who think a world without gay people would be a better world. I emphatically don't. This world, any world, would be a far less beautiful, a far less interesting and a far less delightful place. Think of the art, the music, the literature that would not exist. How devastatingly sad that would be.
Does "gay" marriage pose a threat to marriage or families? Well, I'm certain that no law or amendment will ever prevent gays from creating long-term relationships and forming families. Nothing has stopped them so far. Not in any culture, not during any time in history.
As with the poor, they will always be with us; they have always been with us. Codifying discrimination against them does nothing except codify discrimination against them. It validates turning up our noses at them and denying them acceptance. It legalizes our walking away from their needs. It will help some feel better about their own miserable lives because at least they aren't gay!
Every time I have seen families embrace and accept their homosexual family members, nothing bad has happened! The association has always been positive and the loving, caring "family" experience has only grown and flourished. They are available to each other for that family support that is so valued in our culture. Families are strengthened, not weakened.
When families have rejected their homosexual family members, it has not turned out well, even when that rejection was done "lovingly." You know, love the sinner . . . hate the sin? I've known homosexuals rejected by their families who looked for acceptance in all the wrong places. Bright, promising lives lost to drugs, disease and death. I've seen families who reject those they should love, depriving themselves of that valuable relationship.
Most sad of all were those who found the only way to cope with the rejection was to commit suicide. I actually heard one mother (an active LDS mom) of a homosexual son state that she would rather he were dead than homosexual. It makes me shudder.
I love my church. I'm proud of my ancestors who sacrificed to come to this valley and live their religion. I love the sense of community. But I love my family more. There was no struggle for me between choosing to support my brother and his relationship and supporting an anti-gay marriage amendment. I value all families.
So, I wrote letters to my congressional representatives. I expressed my deeply held beliefs. I asked them to vote against any anti-gay marriage amendment. A wasted effort, most assuredly, but I felt compelled to write.
---
Gayle Hayes Castleton lives in Sandy and is a financial analyst for Rocky Mountain Care, Inc.

My Dad, My Mission, and Other Stuff

Foxx recently wrote a post about his dad, and I felt inspired to write some words about my own father. I know one of the theories about what causes homosexuality has to do with a boy's relationship (or lack thereof) with his dad. Whether this theory is valid or not, I'd like to share what my relationship with my dad was.

I loved my dad very much. He was kind and affectionate, a hard worker, a devoted family man, a man with a strong testimony of the church, a good example to others, and very loyal and honest. He was also very quiet and unassuming. And it wasn't really until he died that I realized I didn't really know very much about him. I mean to say, I didn't know who he was inside, what he thought or felt, or even much about his history. I can tell you a whole bunch of stories about my mom that she has told me about her childhood, adolescence, early married years, etc., but my dad didn't talk a whole lot, and so I only know about him more through what my mom has told me rather than what he told me himself.

One of my traits that I picked up from my dad was that he often kept everything bottled up inside. If he was angry or upset or unhappy, he never really made it known. He just kept it to himself. Like me, too, he wasn't a very emotional man. You rarely ever saw him cry or get upset, but boy, when he did, watch out! I can literally count on my right hand the number of times I saw my dad get really angry, and all three of those times his anger was justified. One of those times he slapped me, and looking back I deserved it. I was being mouthy and selfish, and he slapped me, and I was much more shocked than anything because I had never seen my dad so angry, and I quickly realized I had crossed a line. But for the most part, my dad was a very quiet meek and mannered guy. I literally cannot remember ever seeing my parents fight. I recall a couple of times when they disagreed on something, but they always did it in such a calm, reasonable way.

In the last years of his life my dad suffered a series of strokes that turned him into a much different person than the dad I grew up with. I really think the strokes were due to his always keeping everything bottled up inside. I think it was his body's way of dealing with it. Emotionally, my dad became a very different person as a result of the strokes. He could no longer control his emotions. If something made him cry, he would sob uncontrollably. If something made him laugh, he would laugh really hard and drool because he couldn't control his saliva. At first, it was very disconcerting to see my dad act in this manner because it wasn't the dad I was used to, and I admit (I was in my late teens) I didn't want to be around him. At the time, I was very bitter that God had struck my dad down with this disease and was scared of this "new dad."

I remember one time my mom and dad were driving me to college, and I was talking about how upset I was that my dad had to deal with these strokes, and my dad said, in actuality, the strokes were a blessing because it allowed to him to leave a job he didn't like (which I had never really known until then) and collect disability. He said it gave him more time to be with his family (because my dad was kind of a workaholic), too. It put things in a new perspective for me.

As I continued college, my dad's strokes got worse. His speech and balance were seriously impaired, and he couldn't walk very well. Although his mind was perfectly functional, his sense of time was impaired. For example, you would ask him what he was watching on TV, and he would give you the answer ten minutes later. He would be right, but there was a delay.

It was frustrating to see my dad's health deteriorate, but I realized it could have been worse. I began to appreciate the dad I had rather than lament the dad I had lost. And, frankly, there were many things I liked about the "new dad." I liked that he was more emotional, that he actually had feelings he wasn't trying to hide. I liked that he was around more.

I remember during my bitter phase I had a dream that I was in a car, and my dad was pounding on the windows trying to get in, and I was scared, so I took off, and my dad was running behind me, and I kept driving, and he clutched his heart and collapsed, and I just kept going. I woke up, very disturbed because I thought to myself, "I would never leave my dad to die like that," and then I realized that emotionally I was abandoning him just as surely as I was physically abandoning him in my dream.

My dad was an active member of the LDS Church as long as I knew him and was very devoted and loyal. At this time in my life (when my dad was having his health problems), I was inactive and actually quite bitter towards the church because I was dealing with my homosexual issues. I was somewhat estranged from my family.

In August of 1991, I had an experience which I've already alluded to here which changed the course of my life drastically. I became active in the Church and served a mission. By the time I had my farewell (that's a church meeting to send off a missionary for all of you who don't know Mormon-speak), my dad's speech was severely impaired, but I asked him to speak at the meeting. He (with the help of my mom) dictated and typed his talk. At the meeting, he was so emotional, he was unable to get through the talk, so I read it, and my dad, weeping, said, "Thank you." It was a spiritual experience that I can't really explain here.

One thing that has always made me proud was that my dad got to see me become active again and serve a mission before he died. And I did it on my terms. I didn't serve a mission because I was expected to (as many missionaries do), but because I really wanted to. The icing on the cake was that my dad got to see me do it.

When my family saw me off at the airport, I gave my dad a hug and felt the distinct impression that I would not see my dad in this life again, which at the time I shrugged off because he was actually doing better at that particular moment. But, sure enough, five months later my dad became very ill, and a month after that he died of pneumonia. In a way, I was glad I didn't have to be there to witness the suffering and decay. People always ask me if it was hard to stay on my mission when my dad was so ill, but I think I actually got off easier than the family members who remained at home.

Shortly before my dad died, I composed a song which I sent him and he heard. It's not a very well crafted song lyrically, but it was what I felt at the time, and I think it gets to the heart of who my dad was. It's called "Matchless Hero."

"Knights who fight dragons,
Soldiers who fight wars,
Explorers who tread jungles and such
Have nothing to boast of;
They've nothing on
The hero that I love so much.
Men who climb mountains
Or cross the stormy seas,
Men who lift tremendous weights
With the greatest of ease;
There is no comparison
Among any of these.
My hero matches them all.
The others fall.

My dear hero,
How I miss you.
You and I are worlds away.
Did you know that
You're my hero.
It's the "verité."
You never did anything especially noteworthy.
Your name was never in the news.
Flocks of people never hounded you for your autograph.
You never sang the blues.
You never won a Nobel Peace Prize,
A Grammy, or a medal of gold.
You never appeared on Johnny Carson.
You never fought blizzards of cold.
You were never on the front lines of Vietnam.
You were never Prince Charming at the ball.
You were never ruler of the universe,
But your my greatest hero of all.

I love you,
Not for your massive feats,
But for the simple things you did.
You climbed the highest mountains.
You waged the strongest wars.
You won the greatest battles.
For you, Dad, my heart soars.
Your courage, your endurance,
Your patience through the pain
Have shown me the example.
Of you I can't complain.
For you're my admiration.
Now all is said and done.
I love you, my father.
Your son."

I guess my point is this: my dad was a simple, average man. But he was a good man, and he taught me a lot of good principles and gave me a lot of love. Because I'm an actor, I always compare my dad to the "behind-the-scenes" guys. They don't get the kudos the actors get, but they're just as important to the success of the show. That's kind of who my dad was. He was back in the shadows, but his influence on my life has been remarkable. I owe much to him, and I am grateful for him.

It's weird, though, when I came back home from my mission 17 months after he died, I never really felt like I really mourned his death. It's like, he was there when I left, and when I came back, he wasn't. It seemed unreal. The only moment I really mourned was on my mission in church one Sunday after bearing my testimony and talking about my father, I cried and continued crying after I sat down. A friend put his hand on my shoulder, and I closed my eyes and would have swore that my dad's hand was on my shoulder as well. I like to believe it was.

Now and then, when I hear a country song, I get a little misty for my dad. But I know I'll see him again when this life is through.

Speaking of my mission, I served in France, and a friend who still lives there and I have remained close. After telling him about Jonah and me, he responded with a very nice letter a couple of months ago which I wanted to share. I've translated it from its original French, so if some of the structure seems odd, that's why.

He writes:

Dear Cody,

I was touched to learn that you had feelings for someone and that it was mutual. Even if I can't truly put myself in your place, I can feel the dilemma that you face. I can just understand you and appreciate you without giving you advice, for whatever your position or decision is, that can lead to frustration, guilt, or simply uneasiness. I'm not certain what God truly thinks about this subject. If this man sincerely loves you, if it's mutual, if you are attracted to one another, and if you bring each other happiness, I suppose that it's still love, right? God knows it, too. I have no desire to encourage you to transgress a rule of the Church, but I find it sad to let a love story pass one by. Certain people assume more or less this reality. Maybe I've already told you this, but I have a French friend who lives in the U.S. He is a member of the Church, he has been married and has four children. After his divorce, he met another man and they decided to live together. That isn't to say that things are necessarily easy, but he seems to be happy in his situation. Faithfulness and honesty seem to me to be the essential elements in a relationship, maybe even more than sexual orientation. And yet, you also know that I am totally heterosexual and that I'm really attached to the principles of the Church even if I no longer practice my religion. But life teaches me to be more tolerant. Besides, it was in a Priesthood meeting that I was taught that it was simply preferable to seek to understand rather than to judge. I now try to put this commonplace phrase into practice even if it is difficult, knowing at the same time that one cannot tolerate everything. Therefore I can only tell you what I've already told you: you are my friend, and my only wish is for you to be happy, whatever your situation, so long as you aren't doing evil to your fellow man. If you think that it's more important to follow the rules of the Church for your development, that's okay, too. Dear Cody, I hope that you are doing well in spite of your last letter. I wish you a lot of courage and wisdom and as always, much passion for what you love to do.

Love,

Your friend,

Floris.

Wise words from a good friend.

Jonah and I are doing well. We are separated due to work conditions, but we talk to each other often. He sent me flowers for my opening night. People asked me who they were from, and I just said, "a friend." I later told Jonah I felt bad that I wasn't brave enough to shout our love from the rooftops (as I felt like doing). He said it was okay, that I'm going through a lot of new experiences now, and that he's been there himself and knows exactly how it is. "Besides," he said, "it's nobody's business anyway." He's an incredibly patient, understanding, and thoughtful guy.

I've been feeling really troubled by the incident at BYU recently which you can read about here. I mean, the Church is clear on its policies, and Mr. Nielsen surely had to know what was coming, but it still bothers me. We're taught so much about free agency, but you can't make choices if you don't have them, and I've always felt that BYU works really hard at only allowing one viewpoint to exist, and I find many of the people in Utah County to be some of the most narrow-minded hypocrites I've known in my life. I understand that their our consequences for our choices, and unfortunately for Mr. Nielsen, his choice led to his dismissal. I know BYU is, and always has been, different from other colleges, but I think the university setting should be a safe haven for the free exchange of ideas. I realize that isn't what BYU is. I guess if a person is going to criticize their boss in a public forum, they're going to have to risk losing their job, but it still troubles me.

I still maintain that I believe the Church is true, but I also will say the leaders of the Church do not know how to deal with the issue of homosexuality. They try their best, I think, and do so in a well-intentioned way, but they really don't know how to handle the problem that is before them. I don't know the answers, either, but it's frustrating for so many of us to be told to do certain things and to do them and still be right where we've always been. Only God knows our hearts and can truly understand what we're going through.

Whew! That's a lot of thoughts. Hope I didn't bore any of you to death.

Turning Negatives Into Positives

My show closed on Sunday. It was a good run, but it's the end of the school year, and I'm a bit fried. I need a break. So even though the show was a lot of fun and gave me the chance to work with some friends I'd always wanted to work with, I'm happy that we're finally closed.

Local critics have been less than kind in reviewing our show. It's hard to be fully objective about a show you're in, I think, but my fellow cast members and I really felt we had a good show. Is it the best show I've ever been in? No? Is it the greatest script ever written? No. But I think it was a really good production of this particular play, and we all felt good about the work we'd done. We got a D- in one review and one star (out of four, I believe) in another, and I really don't think the show is that bad. I'd probably give it a B (or a C+ at the very minimum). I just didn't think either review was an accurate portrayal of what the production actually was like, and judging from audience response, I think I'm right. I had so many people tell us they really enjoyed the show and even had some tell me it was their favorite show of the season (I don't think I would go so far as to say it was the best show of the season, but it's a nice compliment nonetheless).

Frankly, I don't really care what critics say, good or bad. I lived with a theatre critic for six months, and I can tell you that critics are just people with opinions, and he and I often disagreed on our assessments of shows we saw. But I liked him, and he still remains a close friend to this day. All I know is that I know when I'm proud of my work and when I'm not. I was in a show once that stank to high heaven, in my opinion, and yet audiences seemed to really like it. I would tell my fellow friends (and some cast members who agreed with my assessment), "just imagine how they'd react if the show were any good." And then I've been in things that I was very proud of that just got slammed by the critics. I still maintain that some of my best work was in a show that got panned by a local critic, and nothing she said makes me feel any differently. But as I said, one can't be completely objective about one's own work.

What I do know is that I can't control what is said about my work or how people feel about my acting. Most people seem to agree that I'm a pretty good actor. I feel like I am. But regardless, I know when I'm pleased about my work and when I'm not, and no outside influence can really have that much of an impact on me unless I choose to allow it. I will certainly take the feedback of people whose opinions I respect. If anything, I am my own worst critic. If I'm not measuring up to my own standards, than I'm in trouble. I'm a perfectionist by nature, which gets me in trouble with myself sometimes. But as life has gone on, I am getting better at looking at myself with a less critical eye. I was once told by my mission president that I am the judge, jury, and executioner in one, and I think I've gotten much better at not being as hard on myself.

Anyway, my point in even writing all this was that one of the reviews about my play said some rather harsh things, but the writer was very good at writing, which I don't often find to be the case among theatre reviewers. He was just very clever and witty and entertaining, and I found myself laughing at many of the things he said, even if I didn't agree with them. I decided to write him an email. I wrote, in part, the following:

I just wanted to say that even though I am one of the actors in this production that you panned, I enjoyed reading your review of it. While I am obviously disappointed that you didn't enjoy the show and even though I don't agree with your assessment of it, I do have to give you kudos for being a good writer. Your review was both entertaining and clever.
I'm also glad that I somehow escaped mention in your review. I don't necessarily take that to mean that you liked my performance any better than those of my fellow actors. In fact, I'm willing to bet you didn't. But it's nice to know that I somehow was able to evade the wrath of your acid pen.
Anyway, I don't take reviews, good or bad, too seriously. I just wanted to write to let you know I enjoy your style. I'm just sorry we didn't live up to your expectations and hope that [our next] production...will be a more positive experience for you. In any case, keep up the good writing. You've got a fine talent there.

Cordially,

[Cody]

The critic responded with the following:

You are a class act, [Cody].

It takes a certain character, especially as a member of a cast of a play I disliked, to write to me and say such kind things. I donÂ’t know if I'd be capable of it were the situation reversed.

Overall, I enjoy [your theater's] productions very much; this one just rubbed me the wrong way. And also, it is because I am so rarely let down by [your theater]---which is the group I look forward to seeing the most in town---that my disappointment and perhaps even anger may have been provoked to that degree. The reason you were not mentioned is because after about a half-hour of this play, it was difficult for me to find much to like anywhere in it, but you did good work in what I thought was a sub-par production. And you know that I've talked about you in reviews of past productions, as I believe you to be a genuine talent.

Please accept my gratitude for your lovely note, especially under the circumstances. You can probably imagine that critics aren't often the object of anyone's admiration. You made my day.

I look forward to seeing you on stage again very soon.

Anyway, it was agood lesson to me that one can take a seemingly negative thing and gain something positive from it.

I always say, "We can't control our circumstances, but we certainly can control our attitudes and reactions regarding those circumstances.

More Responses

Here's the latest reponse to my email. This one's from my sister-in-law. It's pretty much what I predicted she'd say:

Dear Cody,
I will love you forever. My heart breaks hearing of the struggle and
trials you have been called on to face. I do not pretend to know how you
feel but at the same time I know that everyone carries their own secret
heartache and will be tried to their very core. I do not know one person
that is not struggling for their soul in one way or another. Life is hard.
It is a test. I know the only safe way back to our Father is by keeping
your covenants. We also know that the reward will be far better than
anything we can now imagine. Please, keep your covenants.

I know of the love you have for the Lord. I also know that you know that
the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true. You know it! Today in institute class
[our teacher] spoke of why the Lord doesn’t seem to answer our prayers when
we want him to. He spoke of being young and wishing he would have died when
he was 7 yrs and 364 days old. He didn’t think it was fair that they would
inherit the Celestial Kingdom and he would have to work so hard for the same
place. He struggled with these thoughts for years and when he was on his
mission a GA came and interviewed all the missionaries. He was given the
chance for one question which he asked why it was fair for children to go to
the Celestial Kingdom when he had to work so hard for the same place. The
GA tapped his knee in a loving, grandfatherly way and said, “Now don’t you
worry. Everyone in the Celestial Kingdom will deserve to be there.” (This
was no answer at all.) Years later when he was in his late 40s, he was
driving to work and thinking about the lesson he was preparing for
institute; the true way to pray. To really pray, he learned, we must pray
and ask the Lord what we should pray for. He realized he had never prayed
like this before. So as he was driving he started praying. “Lord, what
should I pray for?” The answer was immediate. “You should pray and thank
the Lord that you did not die when you were seven. Life is so beautiful
with all of the lessons you can learn. You learn what joy, happiness, pain
and sorrow are. All the life experiences you have are a gift from God.
Experience is a gift.” He realized that at 20 he did not have enough
experience to be as thankful for the gift of life as he should be, nor did
he at 30 or 40. He had to be old enough that he could look over his life,
the good and the bad. He had to be far enough away from the events of his
life that he could be an impartial judge on his actions for good or bad and
what he learned. He realized that he did not have a HOLDING SPACE for the
answer. Life had to teach him and create that holding space so the Lord
could place the answer in his heart.

Cody, what have you learned from your struggles? From the outside, I
think you have learned compassion and not to be judgmental. What else have
you learned?

I think you are at hero time. What, you may ask, is hero time? It is
just at the point of the movie where the hero feels like he has nothing left
to give. He is defeated and usually ready to quit. But something deep
inside will not let him quit. It is really exciting because so much is
riding on this decision. The choice made either makes you want to stand up
and cheer or sigh. We all relate to him because we all get to this point in
our own lives. You are now at this point of time.

The confusion you face comes from the world and the worldly viewpoints. You
are a beloved son of God. He knows you and loves you and wants you to
return to him. You are not in any way a bizarre science experiment. You
are being asked the question that we all are asked, who and what do you love
the most? Our lives are the answer. We each are asked to sacrifice all that
we have for the Lord. It comes in different ways but we each are asked in
our own way. You are strong and valiant. I can’t imagine what it must be
like to be 34 and still searching for my eternal companion. I am praying for
you.
Love.

[Your sister-in-law]

Here's part of my response to her:

Hey,

Thanks so much for your email. I appreciate your love and concern very much as well as your input and advice.
I was especially impacted by this quote from your letter: “Life is so beautiful with all of the lessons you can learn. You learn what joy, happiness, pain and sorrow are. All the life experiences you have are a gift from God.
Experience is a gift.” I know this is going to sound odd and contradictory to the gospel plan, but the more I pray about this issue, the more I feel I am supposed to have these experiences with Jonah and that perhaps I will learn something valuable about happiness and my relationship with the Lord because of it. It doesn't make sense to me in context with what I have been taught, but the message I seem to be getting from the Lord is that He just wants me to be happy and that if I feel happy with Jonah then that's what I need to do and things will work themselves out the way they're supposed to.
I also feel that no matter what kingdom I end up in in the afterlife, it's where I will belong and be happiest. I still haven't made any firm decisions yet, and I know this response may disappoint you, but it's what I'm feeling.
I know that you are very concerned for my spiritual well-being and that you don't want me to do anything I might regret (either in this life or the next), and I truly appreciate that. But, ultimately, I will be the one who has to make this decision and live with its consequences, good or bad, and right now my heart is telling me that everything is going to be okay.
You asked what I've learned from my struggles. Yes, I have learned tolerance and compassion towards others. I've learned that life is not black and white; there are shades of gray everywhere. I've learned that the Lord loves and will always love me no matter what (just like you guys seem to). I've learned to exercise faith (but I've also learned that maybe I don't have enough faith to do what is required of me). I've learned that love can be exhibited in different ways. I've learned how much my family and friends really love and care about me. I've learned that being honest is more helpful than holding things in. I've learned that life really is a test. I've learned other things, too, but those are just a few.
I love you so much, and I appreciate your thoughts and prayers more than you know. I also know that if I do make the choice to be with Jonah that it will upset and concern you, and I don't wish to do anything to cause you pain, but I do appreciate that you care for that much. I know you will always love me, and I thank you for that.
I have some hard decisions ahead, but all I can do is do my best and trust that what I've done is for the best.
Love you lots,

Cody

And here's my brother's response, which I also predicted would turn out this way:

Cody,

This has been a struggle for me as well as you. First and foremost know that I love you, the Lord loves you and we always will.

I'm going to be blunt so be prepared.

It sounds to me like you already have made your choice and maybe are looking for our support in this decision. My opinion is that you are giving up a lot for what you view as happiness. In no way do I support this decision and the Lord does not condone it either. I think we have all supported you, but not this decision. I do not want to skate around the issue and hate to be preachy, but feel you need to hear it or that I need to get it off my chest.

It will break many hearts if you continue down this path and break your covenants. We will all live with the consequences and not just you. Of course the Lord wants you to be happy and so do we, but wickedness never was happiness as Alma points out.

You ask why God put you in each other’s paths. I don't believe God is necessarily responsible for everyone we meet. The environment you have chosen to put yourself in has lead to that. With your career you have made choices that allowed these paths to cross. There has been some inactivity and possibly lack of feeding your spirit. Some plays you choose to be a part of do not allow the spirit to be present and may even cause a loss of having the spirit. You have a choice to change your environment and get out of the situation. I know that could be difficult, but is an option. It saddens me that you would be willing to go to another kingdom other than the Celestial. Thankfully we still have the atonement, but it would be better if we didn't need to go down that path. I'm happy to see that you still have time to make a choice in this matter and hope it is a wise one.

President Benson said, “The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The world would take people out of the slums. Christ takes the slums out of people, and then they take themselves out of the slums. The world would mold men by changing their environment. Christ changes men, who then change their environment. The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature. … Yes, Christ changes men, and changed men can change the world. Men changed for Christ will be captained by Christ. … Men captained by Christ will be consumed in Christ.”

Cody - Even the most valiant fall when they have placed themselves in the wrong situation. You can run like Joseph or linger like David.

Again, I do love you and will continue to pray for all of our struggles. I won't give up on you!

[Your Brother]

I actually appreciate my brother's response. I'm glad he's not sugar-coating anything because I do know this decision does affect everybody in my family, not just me, and I know this would be particularly difficult for him. And I know he has a very strong testimony of the gospel and is only interested in what he perceives to be my happiness. And he may very well be right.

I just know I have fought this for a very long time, and this soldier is weary of fighting. We'll see what happens.

Jonah and I went out to eat last night. We had a really nice talk. I'm feeling more comfortable with the idea of finally coming out of the closet and being with him. It won't be easy at times, I'm sure, but I'm feeling more at peace with the idea.

I held his hand while we drove home and we kissed each other on the cheek as we said our goodbye. It's nice to be in love again.

Responses

Here are the responses thus far (which I have edited) to the email I sent my family:

From my brother-in-law:

Hi Cody, I hope that what I say to you stays with you. I hope you find happiness wherever you can find it. I have been married five times. Five! Don't you think i would have gotten it right by now? I think I have with [your sister]. I had gone to marriage counseling four times with [my ex wife] to make it work. I confronted my bishop about it not working and he said, “As long as you have tried to make it work, you can truthfully stand before your Heavenly Father and say, ‘I tried.’"
You may find that what you are going through is too tough, so no matter what you decide, God loves you. You will always be my brother-in-law. Live to love, Cody. We' re only here for a short time (besides, all good faithful are not supposed to judge and that’s what I intend to do.)
Love, your bro-in-law…

My sister:

Well I for one am not upset. I think if Jonah makes you happy, then go for it. I don't know Jonah, but he evidently makes you happy, and I don't think you should be alone anymore. You'll have struggles either way, right?
I love you. And I am so SORRY about your struggles. I just want you to be happy, Cody. You need to make your decision for you - not for anybody else. I love you. I support your decision either way. And I will ALWAYS love you, no matter what.

My other sister:

Hi Cody,
How's life treating you? Okay, that's a dumb question. You don't need to answer that because obviously it's not treating you as well as you'd like with this struggle that you've had for so many years. Life is not perfect! Life isn't fair! I wish I knew what to tell you to make it all go away but the truth is that I don't know what to tell you. Life is full of challenges and it seems like whatever I'll say will just be a repeat of things you've heard over and over again.
I can't imagine not ever loving you. You're my brother! How can I not love you? I've known you all my life! Your feelings for Jonah are not going to change the way I feel about you. He seems like a nice guy and it sounds like he has a lot of respect for you and really, it's got to be up to you what you choose. No one else can choose for you! You're a grown man! You've got to make your own decisions! I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. I do keep you in my prayers all the time. You mean so much to me, Cody, and I do love you.
The only suggestion I can think of which you've probably received numerous of times, at least I would think you have, is a blessing. When is the last time you had a blessing?
Do what you feel is best for you!
Take care,
Please let me know if there is anything I can do.
I love you!

And this one form my mom, which made me cry (in a good way):

Dear Cody,
Somehow I felt this was coming. First of all I love you, I will always love you. That won't change.
I know you struggle with your problem. I feel your struggle, and I struggle not knowing how to help you. I, too, pray for you. Your name is on the temple rolls constantly and I don't know what the answer is either.
I once told you that in our pre-existence that perhaps you did make a choice because you love the Savior so much. When you were born we almost lost you and after you were given a blessing perhaps you chose to come back to earth. None of us know what promises we have made.
Years ago when you were down at [college] before you told [your sister] about your problem you became quite angry and surly and I really didn't know why. Now I assume you were rebelling against these feelings.
I'm not sure exactly what happed but that night that you got your testimony and you decided to go on a mission the light just come to you and you were such a changed person and I liked it. You were so happy. Perhaps you thought this would change your homosexual feelings. I don't know but you seemed so happy.
I realize that you have done the things that you have been counseled to do and I also see your frustration with the way things are going.
You are a loving, caring, non-judgmental (except for [President] Bush and that is understandable), merciful individual . You have many friends and they turn to you for counsel. People look up to you.
I know you love and believe in the gospel and have a testimony of Jesus Christ and the atonement. You are a good person and I know you try to follow God’s plan. I know that covenants you make are very important to you.
In return the Lord has given you many choice blessings. You have a beautiful voice and are an excellent student and teacher, you are smart and well-read. You know the gospel and the history of world events far better than me. You are a friend to many. You have so many talents.
I, too, don't understand why you have this challenge in your life, but you do have it and I also see that it is tearing you apart. I'm not going to go into the natural man versus the spiritual man. You know it probably better than I.
I am concerned however about the future, and I don't think it will be long before the second coming with all the things that are going on in the world today. Just this evening Bush said that he didn't think the war would end until the next president is in office. And Korea has a new bomb. There are just so many signs of the times in this day right now.
In my lifetime I have seen so many things happen, but since 2000 it seems like almost daily we see the signs and we know it will be a great and dreadful day.
Jonah is a very nice person. I like him very much. I know you would like someone in your life, and I am glad that he is not pressuring you. I know he makes you happy. I'm sure you also make him happy. I glad that you are friends. I'm sure you feel between a rock and a hard place. I know you want more than just that friendship. There will also be other problems that will probably come if you decide for more than just friendship but maybe not.
In the end, my dear son, it will be you that must make this life-altering decision, but never think that I would stop loving you for I will always love you.
I care so much about you and I love you so much.
This to has been a hard letter for me to write because I want you to be happy and content and I know you are going through so much trying to accomplish that. My prayers are with you always.
Love, Mom

I still haven't decided what I'm going to do yet, but it sure gives me a great deal of comfort to know that my family will love and support me whether they agree with the actual decision or not.

I've been singing corny love songs all day, and I know it's because of Jonah.

My Sister

I don’t know how much I will be able to blog in the near future. School has started up again, and I expect to be pretty busy pretty soon, so the free time I use to blog will be not be as readily available as it has been recently. But I will blog when I can.

I wanted to talk about my older sister. We’ve generally been close through the years we’ve been alive. She was one of my best friends in 1990, when I was first coming to terms with my feelings before I gained my testimony of the LDS Church and was the first family member I ever told about my sexual attractions. She did not handle it well at all, and we became estranged for a time. Eventually, I decided not to pursue my homosexual attractions and became active in the church, and eventually, we reconciled and all was forgiven and forgotten. I wouldn’t say we’re as close as we were once upon a time, but we’re still quite close and tell each other just about everything.

I recently wrote her to tell her of my predicament regarding my feelings towards the church and Jonah. She responded with the following two emails, which I am just quoting parts of:

I've made more than my share of mistakes concerning our relationship - I am not willing to blow it again. And if there is more that comes between you and Jonah - well, good for you - to a degree. No, I don't support your decision, but if it's the way to happiness than go for it - though we both know that the happiness will only be temporary. There's other issues that will arise - does in every relationship - ours [hers and her husband’s] happens to be finances and spending time with the children - all six of them. Nothings perfect. And as we know the eternal rewards are not what we personally seek after . . . I don't know what to tell you. But I'm not mad at you…[and] I would rather see you happy in a relationship that makes you comfortable than a false front. I love you. I wish I was a better help than I have been.

and

I want you to be happy, Cody. It's hard to be battling with yourself all the time. And perhaps the battle will continue either way you go. Sometimes life would be so much easier if we were more ignorant.

I've heard it said that the loneliest people are generally the ones that are spiritually in tune - or was it the other way around? I don't want you to be lonely. Loneliness sucks! Even more so than problems in a relationship - those can generally be resolved.

I thought it was interesting how different her response is than what it was several years ago. Of course, she’s also had several years to sit with my issues.

I also wrote the following email to my immediate family and my former bishop, who is a very close friend:

This is an extremely difficult letter for me to write. I don't know how to express what I'm feeling right now, but I will try. I first off want to let all of you know that I love you very much and the last thing I ever want to do is upset or hurt or disappoint any of you. You are my family, and I love you so much.

You all know that I struggle with homosexual feelings and have for most of my life. Just like you, I do not understand why these feelings are mine and why this is my lot in life, but they are, and it is. I have tried for so much of my life to do the right thing, and I have tried ardently to live as I felt the Lord commanded me to. Yet no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, no matter how eagerly I fight, I cannot seem to win this battle. In fact, the battle just gets harder and harder as each year of my life passes, and I am exhausted. I have read my scriptures, magnified my callings, paid my tithing, attended my meetings, applied lessons I've heard into my life, counseled with my church leaders, gone to counseling, tried to stay away from things that might negatively influenced me, attended the temple, fasted, and done all the things I have been taught and advised to do. I've tried to apply the atonement in my life to the best of my ability. Furthermore, I have suppressed my feelings, hidden my desires, and pretended to be someone I feel I've never really been. And it's exhausting. The war that wages in my heart is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. It's so wearing when you're battling yourself.

I am not a bad person. I'm the same person I've always been; the person that you love as a son, brother, or friend. I try so hard to do the best I can to be the best person I can be and because I'm constantly told by the Church (and I guess the Lord) that acting on my feelings that seem so natural to me is sinful, I wonder how I can deal with it anymore. I'm told that marriage and an eternal family is God's plan for me, and yet it doesn't compute in my wiring, and I wonder where I fit in this glorious plan of happiness.

The fact is, I do love the Church (and I even believe it's true). But I sometimes wonder if I have the faith and endurance to do what I've been commanded to do. So much doesn't make sense to me anymore, and it is no longer clear to me what the right thing to do is.

My friend, Jonah, and I have become close, and I felt impressed to share my feelings about how I really feel about him. I never meant to fall in love with Jonah, but the fact of the matter is that I have. I know it's hard for all of you to understand, but we are in love with each other. And I don't understand why God has put us on each other's paths or why so many things have happened in our relationship to bring us so close together or why we have to have so much in common or why we have to make each other so happy when we're around each other or why it's so wrong for two people of the same sex to love each other, but all these things exist. I feel like my soul is being torn because I have such love for both my family and the Church but an equally deep love for my friend, Jonah.

The last thing I want to do is displease or upset anyone. Not you. Not Jonah. Not God. But I really don't know what to do anymore. I've been hiding so long behind this facade of who I ought to be rather than who I actually feel that I am. I've pretended publicly to not have feelings that I have privately.

Telling Jonah how I felt was so liberating and felt right. Being with him feels right. Why? Can someone explain that to me? Why do I feel giddy and happy when I'm with him? Why do I feel such a connection with him? And why is it such a sin for two people who love each other to be together? It's never made sense to me. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting mixed messages from the Lord; that I'm in some sort of bizarre science experiment. And I don't know what God wants from me anymore. I try so hard to be righteous in the eyes of my religion, but my heart pulls me in other places.

Rest assured, Jonah and I haven't done anything contrary to the Lord' commandments. And, in fact, Jonah, who is a very spiritual and Christian person himself, wants me to take all the time I need to think about what I really want in life.

All I know is that I deeply love both my religion and this guy and all of you. And I feel very conflicted because Jonah makes me very happy, and the religion I deeply love, which has given me some of my greatest attributes, doesn't seem to be meeting my needs the way I wish it would, and I don't understand why.

I guess the main point of this email is that I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what the future holds for me or what the right decision is anymore. I pray about it constantly, and I'm still thinking and mulling. I don't expect you to understand or agree with me if I make a choice that is contrary to the Church's teachings nor do I expect you to support that decision, but I hope you'll still love and support me no matter what choice I make. I just wanted you to know that I'm at a really weird crossroads in my life, and in many ways it feels like exactly where I'm supposed to be. I don't know what I'm going to do, and I'm sorry if that upsets you, and I hope you can forgive me for that. Believe you me, this is not a choice that I will make lightly or quickly, nor is it a choice that hasn't already been a part of my life for many years (the only difference is now I have a reason to make it).

I truly am sorry to upset you (and I'm sure I have), but I wanted you to know where I currently am and what I'm facing. These last couple of years at [college] have been among the happiest I've had in some time. I love you all so much.

Pray for me.

Love,

Cody

Jonah wrote a very lovely email to me last night which I won’t put here because I don’t want to embarrass him (not that he’d be embarrassed; after all, you are just a bunch of strangers); at least, not without his permission. But it was a very sweet declaration of love. I liked it very much.