A Helpful Approach?

I read this article in the Salt Lake Tribune today:

Ted Fairchild, who is openly gay, has HIV and serves as a part-time LDS missionary in the Bay Area, left the love of his life to return to church activity.

Linda Schweidel wondered why her bright, successful returned-missionary husband still was not ready for children after eight years of marriage. That's when he broke down and told her he was gay.

Diane Oviatt held her sobbing gay son in a darkened kitchen as he poured out years of grief at the secret he had been carrying for 18 years and wondered how he would get to heaven without marrying.

These were among the anguished stories several Mormons shared during emotional church services Oakland LDS Stake held last summer to heal rifts caused by the faith's activism in the Golden State on behalf of traditional marriage.

In June 2008, the LDS First Presidency asked all California Mormons to give their time and money to Proposition 8, a ballot measure striking down gay marriage. Many members did so with gusto, circulating petitions, raising money, sending e-mails to church lists and putting up lawn signs.

That left other Bay Area Mormons, particularly those with gay friends and relatives, feeling embattled and alienated. Some stepped away temporarily from church; others left for good. Those who remained often felt at odds with fellow believers.

Oakland Stake President Dean Criddle, a respected lawyer and gentle leader, sensed the ripples of collective pain and wanted to reunite his flock, says Matt Marostica, bishop of the Berkeley Ward.

So Criddle and his counselors assembled quotes and speeches from LDS general authorities that stressed love and compassion for those with same-sex attraction. They then asked each of the 10 wards in the stake to hold a joint meeting of adult members during church services on either Aug. 30 or Sept. 6 to hand out the quotes and listen to personal stories from area members.

The response in Oviatt's suburban Moraga, Calif., ward was electric, Oviatt says. "Everyone in the audience was weeping. Men came up to my husband, crying, and hugged him, saying, 'We love you and we love your son.' "

A couple of the more ardent ballot supporters apologized to Oviatt for having Prop 8 signs on their lawns, saying, "We never knew."

Several people told Berkeley's bishop, Marostica, how much they appreciated the meetings, including one woman who said, "I am so glad we did this. This is the church I know and love."

Till they have faces » The authorities' statements and church setting provided a comfort level to Mormons who rarely discuss homosexuality openly, except to condemn it as a social trend or satanic tool. By all accounts, though, it was the stories that were transforming.

One man, who outed himself from the pulpit during one of the meetings, talked about a life of being scorned, bullied and accused by other Mormons of bringing on the AIDS pandemic. Still, every week when he takes the sacrament bread and water, God's voice whispers to him: "You belong here."

It's the same voice Fairchild has heard over and over since becoming active in the LDS Church as a 17-year-old in Pullman, Wash., in 1970.

He served a two-year mission in Mexico, earned a degree at Brigham Young University and married a woman because, he says, she was pretty and could play the piano. The couple had two daughters.

But Fairchild always knew he was gay and eventually couldn't continue the lie. He fell for a man.

"It was the only time," Fairchild says, "I have ever been physically, emotionally and spiritually in love."

By 1986, he and his partner were diagnosed with HIV, which at the time was a death sentence. Elder Richard G. Scott -- then an LDS Seventy, now an apostle -- gave Fairchild a blessing in which he asked God to build a protective wall around his cells. In that moment, Fairchild believed he needed to live by Mormon standards. He broke up with his love and returned to the church.

"Once you've experienced the Holy Ghost," he says, "there's no other feeling like it."

More than 20 years later, Fairchild is relatively healthy and at peace with his decision. He believes he was born gay and a child of a loving Heavenly Father, twin qualities that make him a more effective "worker in God's kingdom."

Letting go or holding fast » That doesn't work for Oviatt's son, Ross Oviatt, who has not been back to church.

He attended BYU for a few semesters, she says, but it was a "toxic environment." The Prop 8 fallout -- which continues in California with the ballot measure now before a judge - proved difficult for Ross as he tried to weather homophobic slurs and keep his secret. He misses his Mormon experience and friends, but the association is too painful.

It hasn't been easy for the rest of the family, either.

"We had to re-examine our place in the church," Oviatt says. "We are not leaving, but it's hard to stay in a religion that does not embrace our child. If we had to choose between the two, we'd choose Ross."

Some Mormons in the stake see only one choice: following church edicts.

"I am a faithful Latter-day Saint, happily married with children, striving to live up to my temple covenants, fulfill my calling, be a good father and all the other things which active members of the church try to do," one man wrote to Criddle in between the two joint sessions. "According to your definition of homosexuality, I am also a homosexual. I have had strong attractions to men (and exclusively men) my whole life."

But homosexuality is not his identity, just a temptation he refuses to act on, the writer said. He thought the stake should have included more emphasis on heterosexual marriage as the core of Mormon teachings.

Criddle shared the letter (without identification) in all the wards.

Coming back » In what she calls, the "dark days of Proposition 8," Schweidel took a "leave of absence" from the church.

She didn't know if she could return. But when Criddle and Marostica asked her to tell her story at one of the joint sessions, she readily accepted.

She has been attending and involved ever since.

"The special meeting made me want to be part of a positive change in the church," she says. "I want to talk to people, to explain why I feel like I do, and help them try to understand."

That may work in Berkeley, but how about Bountiful?

Schweidel is hopeful. There are two kinds of Mormons, she says, quoting a friend: those who know gay people and those who don't know they know gay people.

The task, she says, is to move more members from the second to the first category.

"If my mom in Orem had gay neighbors next door, I know she would love them," Schweidel says. "The Mormons I have spoken to make an effort to understand. They totally get it."

I think all stakes and wards and the Church itself would benefit by getting on board with this idea. I think it would help those members dealing with homosexuality in their own lives or in the lives of family members, and I think it would generate and foster a greater understanding and compassion among those who don't know that they already know gay people in the Church.

Hey, Good Lookin'

Today's post is a completely frivolous post just for fun. I thought I'd post a bunch of celebrities (past and present) I find (or found) sexy or attractive. In no particular order, here they are:

1. Greg Evigan


I guess I should start with Greg Evigan since he's the first man I ever remember being attracted to. Although I'm not as attracted to him now as I was then, I can still see why I thought he was cute. This photo is from his days starring in the TV series "B.J. and the Bear," when I first laid eyes on him. That would have been around 1978, and although I didn't fully understand my feelings at the time (I would have only been 7 years old), I knew I found him attractive and interesting. He later went on to star with Paul Reiser on the TV comedy "My Two Dads."

2. River Phoenix


I knew I was gay by the time I saw River Phoenix in the 1986 movie Stand By Me. I would have been 15 then. I thought he was a great actor and incredibly good looking. I loved his film, Running On Empty. I had a major, major crush on him and was somewhat upset. His untimely death in 1993 (while I was serving my mission) was absolutely devastating to me. I weirdly felt as though I had lost a brother even though the real River Phoenix was very likely nothing like the image of him that I had created.

3. Sal Mineo


I remember seeing Rebel Without A Cause in a college acting class when I was 20 and being absolutely smitten by Sal Mineo. I had recently gained my testimony and was preparing to go on a mission, so I was trying to suppress and ignore my homosexual feelings, but I remember just being so in love with his eyes and his smile. I've tried to keep this post G-rated, but there is a really sexy picture of him out there in some movie where he's taking a shower.

4. Johnny Depp


Ah, Johnny Depp! What can I say? The man still looks just as great as he did when I really took notice of him in1990 in Edward Scissorhands. Of course I had seen and admired him on "21 Jump Street," but it was Edward Scissorhands that caused me to fall in love with his talent and not just his face. He remains one of my favorite actors. I admire his daring choices and his conviction to be his own man. I think he's sexy in anything he's in.

5. Orlando Bloom


Johnny's co-star in The Pirates of the Caribbean doesn't have his talent, but he's still nice eye-candy. I first noticed him in the Lord of the Rings trilogy as Legolas the Elf and thought he had such striking features and such a perfect face. I enjoyed him in the Pirates movies as well and I could watch Troy over and over just to watch a very sexy scene he has with actress Diane Kruger. As an actor, he seems like kind of a one-trick-pony to me, but he's fun to look at.

6. Jensen Ackles


7. Matt Cedeno


Jensen Ackles and Matt Cedeno were both on the soap opera "Days of Our Lives" which I used to watch religiously until I finally realized what an incredible waste of my life it was. Jensen is now on a TV show called "Supernatural," which I don't watch. I'm not sure where Matt Cedeno is now. In any case, I loved Matt Cedeno's exotic, Latin look (I actually believe he's of Cuban descent), and Jensen Ackles just had this sexy all-American-boy look, and I thought his lips were to die for.

8. Ian Somerhalder


I think Ian Somerhalder came to my attention in the 2002 movie The Rules of Attraction. I just like his pretty-boy model looks. He later starred in one of my favorite TV shows, "Lost" (the last season premieres tomorrow, y'all! Who's excited? I am!), and he now has a role on a show I haven't seen called "The Vampire Diaries."

9. James Franco


I first took notice of James Franco in the wonderfully written television series "Freaks and Geeks." I think he's a great actor and has a killer smile. I enjoy everything from his independent films to his blockbuster films such as the Spiderman trilogy.

10. Montgomery Clift


When it comes to classic actors, nobody holds a candle to Montgomery Clift as far as brooding sexuality and mysteriousness. He absolutely captivates me no matter what I see him in. Even after his face-scarring car accident in 1956, he was still beautiful to watch. His was a tortured soul, but one full of charm and charisma.

11. Horst Buchholz


Younger audiences may know him from Roberto Begnini's 1997 film Life Is Beautiful as the old German Begnini's character serves in the restaurant, But I was mezmerized by a much younger Buchholz's performance in 1960's The Magnificent Seven. He is so, so handsome!

12. B.J. Novak


For me, B.J. Novak (who plays Ryan on TV's "The Office" is not so much sexy as he is just plain cute. I remember the first time I saw him and just thinking I could eat him up.

13. Apolo Ohno


I'm not much of a sports fan, but speedskater Apolo Ohno is quite a good-looking lad. I don't tend to watch the Olympics at all, so I probably only took notice of him because he was here in Utah in 2002 for the Winter Olympics and the coverage was unavoidable. I just remember thinking he had such a great smile (still does) and I loved his boyish enthusiasm.

14. Taylor Kitsch


Taylor Kitsch is on one of TV's best-written, best-acted, but not very well-know dramatic series, "Friday Night Lights." He exudes sexiness and charm. He plays the bad boy with a heart of gold, and I love watching him.

15. Roddy McDowall


One of my favorite actors growing up, he was in everything from Bedknobs and Broomsticks to the Planet of the Apes movies to The Poseidon Adventure to "Lassie" to "Batman" to "The Carol Burnett Show." The first thing I actually remember seeing him in was a terrible movie (but one of my favorite guilty pleasures) in 1979 called Scavenger Hunt, although I'm sure I must have seen him before then. I loved his British accent and thought he was so handsome and debonair. If I knew Roddy McDowall was in a movie or TV show, I would watch it just to see him.

Anyway, that's my lineup of sexy guys. Hope you enjoyed it.

Good Day At Church

Church was really good today. Very enjoyable.

Sacrament Meeting focused on adversity, and it was good stuff to hear. I haven't faced much adversity in my life compared to some people, and life is generally very positive. I do have financial worries, though, especially in this economy, and I have been feeling anxious about it, and I just felt like the talks today helped ease my anxiety and I feel if I just keep having faith, things will work out for my benefit.

I really enjoyed Sunday School, too. I so wanted to participate in the discussion today, but as an excommunicated member I can only listen. The subject concentrated on wayward children and how parents can deal with it. There were obviously many people there who had children that had made choices that were contrary to what the parents had hoped they would choose, and they obviously loved their children very much and felt pain regarding their children. But I didn't feel a lot of judgment coming from these parents regarding their kids; just a deep love and hope for their happiness.

All I wanted to say, really, was that parents need to respect their kids' free agency even if they make choices they disagree with. After all, isn't that what our Father in Heaven does with us? I also wanted to add that they need to love their kids unconditionally (which was brought up in the lesson) even if sometimes their kids' choices brought them pain and sadness. And I wanted to assure them that God holds these kids in His hands and is watching out for them and loves them. I wanted to say that the parents needn't blame themselves; sometimes kids are going to make the choices they make no matter what their parents have taught them. I wanted to say that in spite of their children wandering, that did not meant they were lost. Some guy in the group brought up the fact that all of us, too, will receive a degree of glory except the sons of perdition, and that should give us comfort. We talked about how no one is perfect. We all have weaknesses and sins, and in the end it is God, and no one else, who will ultimately judge us.

I really found the whole meeting very compossionate and spiritual. I also thought about my own situation. I am grateful for a family who, whether or not they agree with my choices, has shown me a great deal of love and support and has stood by me. I am grateful they see how happy I am and that they let my fate be in God's hands rather than judge me for my actions. I am grateful there is peace in my life.

I went to Priesthood only because it was a combined session with the Relief Society. Some guy spoke about the Church's 12-step program for addicts, which was was interesting, but didn't apply much to my own life.

Anyway, I really enjoyed it and just thought I'd write about it.

Glad To Be Where I Ended Up

My relationship with Jonah is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Sometimes I think about what my life would have been like if other relationships had worked out, and I shudder at the thought. As I've said, my relationship with Jonah is the first and only one I've ever had with another man. Prior to him, I had had three serious relationships with women and then a couple of not-so-serious relationships with women. And don't get me wrong; these women were lovely people, and I've even maintained my friendship with most of them, but I am SO, SO glad I didn't end up with any of them. I wouldn't be as happy with any of them as I am now with Jonah. I am quite certain of that. And that isn't their fault. I just can't see myself being as happy and fulfilled with them as I am with Jonah. Of course, a big part of that is that living squelched in a heterosexual marriage when I am clearly homosexual is a big part of that. I'm not saying it doesn't work for others, but I don't believe it would have worked for me. But another facet is where we all are in our lives right now.

Let's take each woman:

Woman 1: We dated in junior high and high school, so obviously this was my first real relationship. We were both too immature to be in it, looking back. At that time, I didn't have a clue who I was, and I don't think she did, either. I was attracted to boys, but I liked her because she was kind to me at a time when not many people were. She came from a very troubled home life. Her parents were divorced, her mom was a nut who had already been married several times and who had just married a loser we suspected might be abusing my girlfriend's younger stepsister, and my girlfriend confessed to me that she was a cutter. It was all too much for me to handle. I wasn't emotionally mature enough to handle all of her problems, and so I finally broke it off. We still stayed in touch afterwards, even after she went to live with her father, although we gradually lost touch as the years went by. After she moved, she got into a relationship with her much older teacher, and she later changed her name. I have no idea where she is now, but she had a lot of mental issues and emotional baggage that I don't think I would have been able to handle.

Woman 2: My high school sweetheart. I wasn't physically attracted to her, but I loved her personality, and we were the best of friends in high school and during my mission years. I adored her. I would have married her. She knew I was gay, but at the time we believed I could overcome it. We planned on marrying after my mission. However, toward the end of my mission, and without any warning it all, she broke it off and announced she was marrying some guy she had only known for a few weeks. I was absolutely devastated and completely and utterly confused. It took me a long time to get over that loss, and at the the time I thought it was the worst thing that could have happened. I couldn't understand why God would let such a thing happen. In retrospect, I see that God sees things a lot better than I ever could, and it was an absolute blessing that we didn't get married.

Although she didn't know it while we were dating, she suffered from manic-depression and bipolar disorder, and she later confessed to me that when she broke it off with me and jumped into this other relationship, she was having one of her episodes. Her first years of marriage were very rough for both him and her, and they went through counseling. I don't think I would have had the patience her husband had during some of the most trying times.

Eventually, she got the proper medication to help handle her issues, and now she and her husband seem to be in a very good place. She and I took a hiatus from our friendship (at her request) so she could deal with her issues, but we are friends again, and I believe we are both truly happy that the other is happy. But we are in such different places in our lives. I think a marriage with her would have been disastrous.

She is ultra-ultra conservative and has a large family, and it's clear to me that our goals and focuses in life do not mesh well. We're just two very different people than we were in school, and I think we're both very happy with where we are, but I don't think either of us would be had we stayed together.

Woman 3: Our relationship was never serious. I was trying so hard to be straight at that time, and I actually did find her attractive, but she was never as interested in me as I was in her. We had fun, but she found some return missionary and married him. She's very conservative and has a big family with him, and they seem very happy.

Woman 4: The woman who finally helped me get over Woman 2. She was the first girl I dated who was not a member of the LDS Church. We were good friends (still are), but were not very compatible as boyfriend/girlfriend. That was clear to me early on. She also knew I was gay, but we thought we could make it work. But we just had different goals and interests. She also smoked, which I couldn't stand (nothing to do with Mormonism; I was allergic to the smoke).

As it was, our relationship was much better after we broke up, although the breakup was hard. She ended up marrying a mutual friend who I think has been a much, much better match than I ever would have. Of all these women, she still remains my closest friend.

Woman 5: Also not LDS. Our relationship was very casual, and it never really went anywhere. She was terribly insecure (still is), and I don't see that she's grown too much since we parted ways. She is someone who is always unhappy no matter what circumstances life throws at her. An eternal pessimist. I couldn't deal with it.

Any other women I showed interest in never showed any in me. Even so, my heart was lusting after guys anyway.

Jonah was the first guy I was ever interested in who was interested in me. I was scared to let go and enter into a relationship that my whole life I had been told was forbidden; but I'm telling you that once I did, I found the best relationship I have ever had and a freedom to be who I always felt I was, but could never allow myself to be. He makes me so happy. He is so generous, loving, supportive, compassionate, ambitious, trusting, and has such a tender heart. I have never been so loved by anyone (as far as a romantic relationship goes). He is good at so many things and is one of the best human beings I know. I thank my Heavenly Father every day that we are together. I know my Father knows I am happy, and I know he is happy that I am happy.

I believe, too, that Heavenly Father knew I'd end up where I am now and that it would bring me much more happiness and joy than I would have had otherwise. I'm just glad to be where I am. It's all been worth it.

Random Stuff

This post has no particular theme. It's just a collection of various things I felt like writing about.


Random Musing #1
I was at the DMV the other day in a rather slow-moving line. A man in front of me said this was his third time at the DMV and that he had accidentally come on "Martin Luther Day," as he called it, when the DMV was closed. Another man proudly interjected, "You should call it by its real name: Martin Lucifer Day." Before he could get another word out, his adult daughter scolded, "Don't go there, Dad!" He shut up.

Granted, I'm currently living in a rural town that has its share of rednecks, but I still was absolutely shocked by the blatant, unabashed racism that emanated from this individual. He said it with such glee and pride, and I was floored by it. I guess in my naiveté and idealistic approach to life, I like to believe that we are beyond that. It was just a reminder to me that we aren't. And, actually, I wonder which is worse: open racism such as that which this man exhibited or the hidden, but just as potent, racism that lies underneath. People think the things that this man thinks, but don't express it out loud. I think both are bad, but the latter seems even more insidious.

Random Musing #2
An old friend from my mission recently found me on Facebook. I hadn't heard from him in about 16 years, but it was good to reconnect. He actually lives in America now (I went to Belgium and France) and is married and still active in the LDS Church. When I met him, he had just gotten baptized and was still an infant in the gospel and, actually, was struggling quite a bit. By his own admission to me the other night, not many missionaries had faith that he would last as a Mormon, including myself, to be perfectly honest, and he, himself, didn't know if he would be able to hang on to his new found faith. But here we are 16 years later, and he's very active, has three kids, a church calling, and has recently written a book about his conversion. And here I am, excommunicated. Funny how things turn out.

We also talked about his former sister-in-law, who was quite strong in the Church at the time. He told me she was no longer active and had been excommunicated, which for some reason didn't surprise me, although it probably should have.

As he asked about my activity in the Church, I wondered how I should respond. I'm quite open about my sexuality with just about everyone except for the majority of my former ward members and the people from my mission. I am not ashamed of who I am or the choices I've made, but in the case of my former ward, it is also my mom's ward, and coming out also affects her, so I don't want to cause any awkwardness for her. Actually, those people in my former ward who do know haven't treated me any differently, and those who I think would react badly I don't care much about anyway, so I don't think I would have too much of a problem coming out. My main reason is simply for my mom's protection.

As for my mission friends, I have sort of written about this before in this post. I guess part of me just doesn't wish to taint the image people had of me as a missionary, specifically those who converted when I knew them.

In any case, I told him that I had been excommunicated and about my homosexuality and my relationship and that I still attended church, all the while wondering if I should be blabbing all of this right off the bat, but the conversation did lead that way, so I just did.

He admitted he was shocked, but was also very nonjudgmental about it, saying that he felt everyone should have the free-agency to live their lives as they choose, so I was glad for that. Anyway, it's out there now.

Random Musing #3
I just watched Obama's State of the Union address. Even though there a lot of problems in our country, and even though I don't feel that Obama has been perfect at handling all of them, I also feel very strongly that I voted for the right guy when I voted for him. I genuinely like him and I like the direction he wants to lead this country in, even if there are various forces trying to prevent that.

Random Musing #4
This has been a tough year for me financially. Part of it is because I took a job that has actually lost me money, part of it was paying for physical therapy for a knee operation I had, and part of it was buying another (but sorely needed) car. The job market has been less than kind this year, too, as far as acting goes. Last year I did pretty well and made about $26,000 (pretty good for me). I was working fairly regularly, which isn't always the case for a working actor. This year, practically no acting jobs, and I only made about $19,000. Anyway, if I don't get a summer job, I will be seriously hating it.

Through all of this Jonah has been very supportive and generous, and I am really trying to get back to Vegas on a more permanent basis because I miss him and the "kids" terribly. This has been the hardest stretch of separation for me personally.

I've had some auditions recently (good ones, too), so I am optimistic. I guess we'll see what happens.

Random Musing #5
My mom and I were at a Chinese restaurant recently, and one of the men on my disciplinary council (and also a friend) saw us and went out of his way to say hi and ask how I was, and it was good to see him again (my disciplinary council was the last time I saw him). I just felt it was a nice, positive encounter.

Random Musing #6
Jonah indicated he would like to start going to church again, but doesn't want to go alone nor does he want to go to his Pentecostal church. He asked if maybe when I get back to Vegas we can find a church to go to together. I said that was fine, but that I still wanted to attend my Mormon ward, too. He was fine with that. I even said if he wanted to come and attend my ward from time to time, that would be fine, too. He asked if that wouldn't be awkward for me; wouldn't people be put off by it? I said that's their problem, not mine. After all, what would I have to lose? So they'd know I was gay and in a relationship. Big deal. I am who I am, I'm already excommunicated, and if people in my ward have a problem with any of it, that's on them, not me.

Random Musing #7
There are many terrible things going on in the world. There are many serious things going on in the world. I try not to let any of it get me down. I'm generally a very optimistic person, but this year has been harder for some reason. I still feel I'm pretty good at maintaining a cheery disposition and am doing my best to keep the faith.

It's the little, insignificant things that sometimes brighten my day. That's why I'm looking so forward to the season premiere of one of my favorite TV shows: "Lost." I think it's such a well-written, interesting show with great stories and character-development. This is its last season, and I am eager to see how it all plays out. I can honestly say, too, that no matter how it ends, I have thoroughly enjoyed the journey.

Random Musing 8

I ran into a friend recently at an audition. He and his partner have been together for about 4 or 5 years. When I asked how his partner was doing, he sort of hemmed and hawed and acted a bit awkward about it, giving me the sense that they had broken up, but I didn't press him about it since it really wasn't my business.

Anyway, I went on Facebook to see if there was any indication that they had, indeed, broken up, and sure enough they had. This did not particularly surprise me as the second partner has a difficult personality, in my opinion. What did surprise me was that the first partner was in an open relationship with a woman. Now, I hold no judgment if my friend has decided to be with a woman just as I would want people to respect my choice to be with Jonah. I just found it odd, that's all.

I've also never really understood the draw of an open relationship. Being a "one-on-one," monogamous guy, I just don't see what joy there is in that kind of relationship. But to each his own, I guess.

Jonah has indicated before that he fears I might one day leave him for a woman, I think more because of my attachment to the LDS Church than for my attraction towards woman. I told him he has nothing to worry about. This is the best, most fulfilling relationship I've ever been in, and I'm very happy with Jonah.

Those are my random thoughts for now.

"It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year"

Well, you’re probably all wondering where I’ve been. Let’s just say I’ve been a little lazy... and also a little busy. I had a fabulous Christmas with Jonah. It was so nice to spend three weeks with him after such a long absence. We had a really great time, and now that I’m back in Utah I really miss him; not that I didn’t miss him before, but being with him really made me realize how tired I am of being apart. I really hope when this teaching job ends that I will be able to find some way to work in Vegas and be with my husband.

I also miss our cats a lot. We, of course, have the two cats we’d had since we met, and as I wrote about previously read just adopted a new kitty. The oldest of our cats, even though she was originally Jonas’, has really taken a liking to me. She adores me and will often sleep right next to me at night, never moving at all. I’ve really grown fond of her.

Our brand new kitty is adorable. I just love his enthusiasm and his curiosity and his innocence. He can be a little hyper at times, and he loves to bite and claw (not in a malicious way, but in a very playful way; although he doesn’t realize that it’s sometimes hurts), but isn’t that what a child does? He’s so cute, and I love him.

Our third cat, the daughter of the first cat, is suffering from middle-child syndrome, I think. When Jonah moved into our house, I wasn’t yet there; our oldest cat had gotten lost; the third kitty didn't yet exist; so the third cat had Jonah all to herself, and I think she liked it that way. Once I moved in and once we found the lost cat, I think our third cat grew resentful. Now with this new kitty, she seems very annoyed especially since the new kitty keeps trying to play with her and she doesn’t want to. In fact, wherever the new kitty is, our middle-child cat is not. She craves attention, but unfortunately she doesn’t do much to ingratiate herself with the rest of us. I feel sorry for her. She seems so sad and grumpy.

But being away from Jonah and the cats has been hard this time around. I also feel especially that I’m missing our youngest kitty’s childhood. I can't imagine how I would feel if we actually had children. Anyway, it’s been hard, and usually I am the one that does well with separation. I guess I’m just sick of it. Oh, well. What can you do?

One of the best Christmas presents I got this year was the chance to see Andy Williams, the singer, live in concert for his Christmas show. If you don’t know who Andy Williams is, you can’t be my friend anymore. Just kidding. Andy Williams is one of my very favorite singers. He’s from the old school of singers like Frank Sinatra, Tony Bennett, Jack Jones, Sammy Davis Jr., Steve Lawrence, etc. He’s also very famous for his Christmas specials in the sixties and for introducing the world to the Osmond brothers. One of his most famous songs is “Moon River.”

I actually couldn’t afford to see him. Tickets were almost $60.00, and it really wasn’t in my budget especially since I have a job that has actually been losing me money. At the same time, the man is in his eighties, and who knows if this will be the last time I’ll ever get to see him perform? But I really didn’t feel like I could afford it, so I decided not to buy the tickets. I had posted on my Facebook status that I was sad I would not be able to see him perform. Two of my friends saw my status and without any prompting from me offered to split the cost of the tickets as a Christmas present to me.

It truly was one of the best Christmas presents I’ve ever received. Actually seeing Andy Williams perform was a dream come true, and I’m not ashamed to admit that I actually started crying when he started singing. For his age he still sings remarkably well. His vibrato has increased and he scoops some of his notes now, but I thought he was terrific. He put on a very entertaining show. Jonah also bought me a signed copy of his autobiography.

I bought Jonah a Wizard of Oz Pez dispenser set and a garden statue, and he bought me some jeans, the book, and a DVD set of the most recent season of the television show “24.” In addition, Jonah also bought each of us a new laptop computer. He got a great deal on them. I was so pleased that Jonah loved his presents so much.

New Year’s Eve, of course, was our anniversary, and we ate our recently thawed wedding cake for good luck. Surprisingly, it tasted just as good as it did on our wedding day. Well, the frosting was a little crunchy, but the cake itself was delicious!

Now I’m back in the college town where I teach. I have two acting classes and a musical theater history class, and I teach every day now. I’ve also been given a raise, which will least help me break even instead of losing money. Because I taught both courses last semester I feel a lot more comfortable about what I’m doing this semester. I’m much more relaxed as a teacher and feel like I know what direction I’m going in. I also have smaller classes, which makes teaching easier, and I also feel like this batch of students is more enthusiastic and engaged in what we’re doing.

This job ends in April, and currently I have nothing else lined up although there are some possible prospects. If I don’t get a summer job I will really be hurting financially. Buying a new car and having my knee operated on took a toll on my finances especially since my current job has been draining my bank account rather than adding to it. But I do not regret my decision to teach here. I really think I was meant to be here at this time.

I miss acting a lot and I hope to be doing it again soon. Even though I feel like I’m a good teacher, I do not have the same passion for it as I do acting.

Anyway, that’s what’s up with me. Just wanted you all to know that I’m still alive and kicking.

Apologies for any grammatical or spelling errors. I wrote almost all of this post using voice-recognition software, and depending on how well I enunciated, the computer may have typed some incorrect words. I didn't spell-check, either. Ah, the epitome of laziness!

New Adoption

The other day when I was visiting Jonah in Vegas, he said he had a surprise for me but that I might not like it. Later that night he came home and told me to come outside. He was in his truck and sheepishly looked at me, pulled out two kittens, and said, "I couldn't let them go to the pound."

Admittedly, the kittens were very cute. And I am an animal lover. I love animals very much, and they seem to have quite an affinity for me as well. However, we already have two cats, and they are responsibility enough, in my opinion. So I wasn't terribly pleased, especially since Jonah hadn't at least discussed it with me (although, in retrospect, he had tossed some hints about.

The kittens had come from a litter from Jonah's mom's cat. He has tried to get his mom to get that cat fixed, but she hasn't. I think it's irresponsible to not spay and neuter one's cats. It just leaves a lot of orphaned cats that can't be taken care of.

Jonah looked so concerned about the future of these two kitties. However, four cats is just too much for me. One of the kittens was almost all black with some white and a little Charlie Chaplin-esque or Adolph Hitler-esque mustache. He was very cute. The other cat was gray or brownish, as I recall. Also cute. Although I did not necessarily want another cat, the black one was quite unique, and there is also the fact that the two cats Jonah has were his originally, before we married (although one of those cats adores me; the other one pretty much views anybody but Jonah as an unwelcome intruder). Anyway, I told Jonah I was not comfortable adopting two new kitties, but that I would compromise by allowing us to keep one, provided that I could name it.

I jokingly said we should name it "Hitler," not by any desire to offend, but simply because my dark sense of humor likes the juxtaposition of a cute, harmless kitty-cat with the name of one of the most evil dictators in human history. However, my sense of decency wouldn't allow me to actually do so, even if Jonah would go along with it (which I know he wouldn't), so I named him Chaplin instead.

We think he's a boy, and as far as we can tell, he has the parts that would indicate that he is (although they're very small, so we are not sure). If he turns out to be a girl, we will still call him Chaplin, and he'll just have to suffer through life with an identity crisis.

I admit it, he's adorable. He's a little ball of energy and very hyper and likes to jump around. I am amused at his innocence and curiosity. He loves to bite (not in a malicious way, but in a very pure manner. While I did not necessarily want him initially, it's fun to have him around.

The other two cats have been wary of him, but both are slowly becoming acclimated to him, and I'm sure they will enjoy him in time.

Anyway, here's Chaplin! (He would not hold still very well to get a really focused picture; my apologies).

"Song of the Heart" and The Welcome Wagon

I just got back from church. The meetings weren't too bad: testimony meeting, which I generally like and Sunday School, which I enjoy mainly because I think the lady who teaches it is a good teacher. I don't typically attend Priesthood.

The ward choir sang some prelude music, and as is my experience with most ward choirs, they were kind of lackluster. They were singing so tentatively that I was truly tempted to yell, "Sing out, Louise!" which surely would have outed me to everyone there. (If you don't get the reference, look it up.)

Singer Gladys Knight, who converted to Mormonism a few years ago told President Gordon B. Hinckley, more or less, that we could use some more soul and pep in our worship music. I completely agree. Music is such an important part of Mormon worship services, and I think we should be using music to celebrate the joy we have in being members of the Church and in expressing the love and adoration we have for our Heavenly Father; and yet, what happens so often is that it comes out sounding very stiff and repressed and joyless. One quote attributed to a choral group Gladys Knight has helped create is, "[I]t is the fulfillment of Sister Knight's desire to bring a new level of passion and cultural awareness to the traditionally reserved LDS hymns."

I've been to several different churches in my life, and musically Mormons often to be the most reserved and straight-laced. I think it's unfortunate. Music is such an important tool to invite the Spirit of the Lord, and I know I have felt it in other religions. That isn't to say I haven't felt it in LDS meetings, because I certainly have. But I do think we could work on bringing a bit more "pep" (and maybe even more variety) into our worship music. I'm not asking for electric guitars or timpani; just a little more joyfulness.

One thing I've noticed in my current ward is that the bishop has never shaken my hand or asked me who I am, although he has had many opportunities to do so. Granted, I could introduce myself to him. I mean, I'm not complaining or anything. Frankly, I don't really care to draw too much attention to myself or have to explain about my excommunication or my husband. I just think it's odd that he specifically shakes the hands and welcomes those he already knows, but ignores me even though I'm sitting right next to them. Like I said, I don't mind. I'm not bothered or offended by it or anything. I just find it strange, especially since we're in a small town where everybody seems to know everybody, and yet he doesn't seem inquisitive enough to ask about a stranger in his ward. It's just odd to me.

I also found it a little strange that he invited the newly baptized eight-year-olds to come join the bishopric on the stand, but did not invite two newly baptized convert children who couldn't have been more than eleven. I don't think they cared either way; they looked pretty happy. I just thought it was strange.

He seems to be a very well liked bishop among his congregation. Many, many people have said very kind things about him. I just find his actions a little odd at times. I felt so too when my first introduction to him was when he gave a talk and stressed three things: that we (the members) must have family dinner together every night, we must shun pornography, and that the economy was never, ever going to get better so we'd better get used to tough times ahead. It wasn't that any of the topics were weird in and of themselves; it was just the way he strung them together and his conviction that we were forever economically doomed that made me find him odd. I can't really explain it. He's a likeable guy; he's just odd to me.

Even more odd was the lady in Sacrament Meeting today who said she used to pray that God would have mercy on Satan because he was, after all, God's son and in need of mercy (not necessarily an unchristian sentiment, but still an odd thing to say in a testimony, I thought). She did also add that she doesn't do that anymore since she's realized that the consequences of some choices are irreversible. She said something else I found really odd, but unfortunately I have forgotten what it was (although if I do remember I'll update this entry).

I did feel myself tense up in Sunday School when the topic turned to the destruction of the family. I was sure homosexuality was going to come up, although it never did (although abortion and STDs were mentioned). I did find it interesting that many of the positive values they were talking about regarding the family unit (such as mutual love, commitment, nuturing, based in Christ, etc.) were just as applicable for a gay couple as they are for a straight one. The only one they talked about that wasn't is the ability to bear children (although I know some gay people are capable of raising and nurturing a child equally as well, and in come cases, better).

Anyway, that was church.

My View

I am not a regular watcher of "The View." Jonah watches it, however, and because he watches it, I have watched it on occasion, especially since it's one of the things that's on as I'm getting ready to go to work. My main reason for not watching "The View" is that I often feel like it's just a bunch of woman gossiping about stuff; at least that's how it comes across. But once in a while it's interesting to hear their discussions during the "Hot Topics," especially if the subjects are political in nature (although Elizabeth Hasselbeck's opinions generally make me want to put my head in a vice, and Sherri Shepherd often comes across (to me at least) as not the brightest bulb in the universe). Joy is just loud, and Barbara is pretentious. Whoopi Goldberg is the only one that even remotely shares my wavelength.

Anyway, it happened to be on Friday as I was preparing my lunch for the day, and a subject came up that I found interesting. Actress Meredith Baxter recently came out, and actor Rupert Everett had commented that when he came out, it ruined his career.

Joy made the comment that in America there is this mentality where audiences cannot watch an actor who they know to be gay in a romantic leading role. If they see him in a role that Brad Pitt or George Clooney might play where he's kissing and love-making with an actress, according to Joy the audience will subconsciously not buy what he's doing because they know he's gay. Sherri added that when she watches a male actor in such a role, she needs to believe that he would be romantic with her.

Whoopi disagreed, saying that if you've got really good actors, they should be capable of making you believe whatever they need you to believe, regardless of sexuality.

I'm with Whoopi on this. As an actor myself (and whom most people, I think, would regard as "straight-acting"), I've played many, many heterosexual roles (most of my roles have been) as well as acted with many gay people who can pull of heterosexual roles very well. True, I know some gay people that just can't pull off straight, but many of us can be seen in straight roles with no problem. So why is it when people suddenly know a person is gay that it makes a difference? Nobody has a problem with straight actors playing gay roles (in fact, they're often lauded for it as if acting gay is the ultimate acting challenge for a straight person (believe me, acting straight is no challenge for me (probably because I had years of practice ;-) ))).

And there are examples of gay actors doing just fine. Neil Patrick Harris plays a womanizer on "How I Met Your Mother," and does it well. I never thought of Ian McKellan's Gandalf as "the gay wizard" in Lord of the Rings. Portia de Rossi plays a "ball-busting" heterosexual woman on "Better Off Ted" with no problem. Dan Butler played a very convincing chauvinistic, macho sports-talk radio host for years on "Frasier." Richard Chamberlain, Tab Hunter, and Rock Hudson played romantic leads very well (granted, they did so before it was known they were gay, but what difference should that make?). Cherry Jones played a heterosexual president on "24." I never watched "Star Trek" or "M*A*S*H," respectively, thinking, "I'll bet Sulu and Major Winchester are gay." Never crossed my mind. Yet the actors who played them are. Oh, and I guarantee you, people, there are plenty of actors still in the closet doing an excellent job of convincing the paying audience that they are as straight as an arrow.

So I just think it's just B.S. that audiences can't accept a gay person playing a straight person. That's just my View.

Part of the Family

I took my mom to see A Christmas Story, a theatrical adaptation of the movie. It was good. We quite enjoyed it (it was certainly better than Michael McLean's The Forgotten Carols, which I've written about below).

Anyway, while I was home, I was looking at some of our family photos in the living room and commented that my niece had grown quite a bit since the photo had been taken. Mom agreed, and asked me if she noticed the new pictures she had put on the wall. It was three photos in one frame of Jonah and me at the zoo and at a nature preserve in Las Vegas (two outings we had taken with my mom).

I have really been happy about how welcoming my family has been to Jonah. He is treated just like any other spouse, and it has really brought me much joy (and I'm sure Jonah feels the same way). My family really goes out of their way to include Jonah in our family activities, and I really am grateful that. I know many gay people (including Jonah) who are not as fortunate in that respect. I know every family is different, and I also know of families who not only don't include their child's significant other, but also practically disown the child as well. I am thankful for a family that treats my husband as they would any other family member. It makes me so very happy.

I remember more than a year ago, I had written a post that said, in part:

"Recently my mom put a photo of my sister and her fiance on our piano in the living room. That's where many of the family photos go. There are several photos of my older brother and his family and ones of my older sister and her family. And now there is one of my youngest sister and her soon-to-be husband. But there are none of me and Jonah. My mom loves Jonah a lot and she also loves me a lot, and I don't expect her to put a photo of us on the piano because I know it would be awkward for her to explain to visitors about us, and I don't want to put her in that position. But it still makes me sad."

I'm glad we're past that stage, and that there is now a photo of me and my husband in the living room with the rest of the family photos. And the photos are still unobtrusive enough that I don't think they will put my mom in an awkward position should anyone ask about them.

Anyway, it just made me glad.

The Forgotten Carols? Forget It.

As with most topic in this blog, I am only stating my opinion here:

So the other night I saw a production of Michael McLean's The Forgotten Carols directed by my friend. Those of you unfamiliar with The Forgotten Carols, it has become a holiday tradition among many Mormons. Michael McLean, who I have alluded to before without actually mentioning his name, is a Mormon composer famous for his inspirational and uplifting music. I feel the way about his music as I do many Mormon pop artists (defined as contemporary Mormon composers who write music specifically for a Mormon audience): I find a lot of his stuff cheesy and kind of sappy. That isn't to say I haven't been inspired or moved by some of his songs. I remember being very touched at a difficult point in my life by one of his famous songs, "You're Not Alone." Even in The Forgotten Carols itself, I quite like the song "Joseph (I Was Not His Father, He Was Mine." And although I mostly find his tunes a bit treacly, I think he's a relatively talented composer of overly sentimental songs.

What I think he absolutely sucks at is playwriting, and this production of The Forgotten Carols only reaffirmed that. I have seen The Forgotten Carols. In fact, the version I saw starred Michael McLean himself. The version I saw was done more as a reading, with McLean telling the story of Constance, a nurse with a stick so far up her butt that she needs an angel of sorts named John to help her open her heart to the true spirit of Christmas. McLean sang all of the songs himself (yikes! Composer, yes. Good singer, no!) with a choir backing him up. I thought the show was so-so, but at least thought it sort of worked in a kind of "bedtime story" format.

This production I saw was a full-scale, dramatized production with individual actors playing the various characters in the story. The script has also suffered some "improvements," and is somewhat different from the version I saw. What is blatantly obvious to me is that McLean's dialogue, plot development, and character development are very weak. There are scenes that are completely unnecessary. Instead of moving the plot along, they leave you asking, "What the...?" There is a backstory for Constance that is poorly developed and, frankly, of little aid in helping us understand why she is the way she is even though that is its exact intended purpose. When her character does finally have a change of heart, it happens on a dime and seems to have nothing powerful enough behind it to warrant it. Most of the dialogue is very wooden.

I get why people like the show. It's got some moving music and it's got a positive, family-friendly message. I just think it's terribly written and poorly developed.

My director friend agrees whole-heartedly with my assessment of the show, and in fact, knew what my criticisms of the show would be before I even told him. Like he says, "it is what it is." Why is he directing it, you ask? Well, he knows (as do I) that it will be a sure-fire hit in this very conservative, Mormon town in which we live. And I guess that's what annoys me the most; that audiences so often would rather see mediocre, feel-good entertainment even if its badly written than they would thought-provoking, well-written material that offends their sensibilities. Furthermore, they will give that same poorly-written material standing ovations and cheers as if it's the greatest theatre they've ever seen.

I wrote about this before when I saw a production of Michael McLean's show The Ark, which frankly, makes The Forgotten Carols look like Hamlet. I'm far more offended by mediocre (or less-than-mediocre) theatre than I am by nudity or profanity in a well-written, thought-provoking piece. I'd rather see some edgy independent film than a mainstream Adam Sandler movie. I'd rather see some experimental musical by Stephen Sondheim that the general populous doesn't get than some overrated show about cats or trains by Andrew Lloyd Webber.

I guess another thing that bothers me is that I've met Michael McLean. I have nothing against him, but he does come across as having a bit of an ego. He regards his work in a much higher esteem than I do, and he probably can justly feel that way because the Mormon masses have taken to it so readily. I'm sure in his mind because his music and shows have touched, moved, and inspired people, that must mean they're well-written and beautifully constructed; but I say just because something makes you feel good, that doesn't make it a masterpiece. Mamma Mia! makes me feel happy and gay (pun intended) when I leave the theater, but I'll be the first to admit it isn't Shakespeare or Shaw or Chekhov or Sondheim. There are plenty of feel-good movies out there that you may leave feeling moved, but you realize it did so with artificiality and manipulation rather than through a well-constructed storyline or characters.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying there isn't a place in the world for feel-good entertainment. I love Mamma Mia! for example. I like the movie Deep Impact, but I won't tell you it's a great movie. The movie "Scavenger Hunt" always makes me laugh, but it is a terrible movie. I understand why silly melodramas or overly sentimental shows are appealing to people. What I tire of is the accolades some works receive without really being deserving of them, and what's even worse is when those works are presented in a shoddy manner. Mamma Mia! and Deep Impact are certainly a lot better constructed than The Forgotten Carols, but I wouldn't dream of awarding either a Tony or an Oscar, respectively. I teach musical theatre, and while I enjoyed Mamma Mia!, it is a mere blip in musical theatre history as far as I'm concerned and is barely worth mentioning. The Forgotten Carols isn't even in the same league. The songs are salvageable, but the script needs major help.

I don't know why I'm on such a tirade about this. It really isn't that important, and now that I've written my thoughts, I wonder if it's even worth posting. I just hate bad theatre! Oh, well. Here it is, for what it's worth. Enjoy.

Fortune Cookies

Whenever I'm in town, my mom and I have this Chinese restaurant we really like to go to. At the end of the meal they give us fortune cookies, which is an enjoyable part of the whole "eating-out-at-a-Chinese-restaurant" process.

Yesterday, I got two fortunes in the same cookie. The first said, "You will soon witness a miracle." The second one said, "You will spend many years in comfort and material wealth." That's probably the aforementioned "miracle." ;-)

Today we went to the same restaurant because we like it so much. My fortune today said, "You will take a chance in the near future and win." Maybe that's how I get the miracle of material wealth and comfort. :-)

Truthfully, I don't put much stock in fortune cookies, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I wouldn't mind if these particular fortunes came true. ;-)

Benoit

A friend of mine who I taught on my mission and who was baptized by my companion and confirmed by me is one of my Facebook friends. We'll call him Benoit (not his real name). Yesterday he wrote in his Facebook status something that touched me very much (probably more so because it was specifically dedicated to me and my old companion (also Benoit's Facebook friend, and mine as well).

The status said: "We wonder sometimes if life has any meaning...and then we meet people who give life meaning." - Brassaî

It honors me that he feels that way about my old missionary companion and me. I love Benoit. He is such a great guy. I loved him when we met and enjoyed teaching him very much. When I met him, he was a confused guy trying to find some meaning in life and who was trying to find truth. He had a big smoking problem and also drank (although socially more than anything). I remember being drawn to his enthusiasm and youthfulness (although he is only a year younger than me) and his thirst for knowledge. I also admit I was attracted to him (although I no longer feel so). I remember one time when we greeted each other with a customary Belgian bise (kissing the air by the person’s cheek) and actually being a little turned on by our close proximity (not a very missionary-like thought) and being a little embarrassed that it would show.

He was an easy guy to teach and to befriend, and the three of us have remained friends all these years. Getting Benoit to quit smoking was probably the most challenging aspect of his conversion, but his heart was (and still is) very pure. I still have his old pipe among my missionary mementos. It thrilled me to no end (and still does) that he was baptized, went on a mission, married another member in the temple, and has two children born under that covenant. I remember confirming him. At the time, my French was still a little rough, but the minute I put my hands on his head, the Spirit was so strong and words poured out of me effortlessly. I was amazed by that miracle.

After Benoit joined the Church, he was on fire, was a great member-missionary, and several of his friends followed him by becoming members themselves. To the best of my knowledge, at least two of them are still active (I do not know about the rest).

A year or so after Benoit's baptism, as I was close to finishing my mission, I received a letter from Benoit announcing that he himself would be going on a mission, and I was so excited and genuinely moved by how far he'd come in just a year. Benoit was always a great person, but after he joined the Church, his life became much more focused and purposeful.

Later, after I'd come home, Benoit came to Utah. He and my old missionary companion came to see one of my shows and then we went out to eat, and it was marvelous. We also went to ZCMI to buy matching ties. That was the idea, at least. Unfortunately we all had different tastes in ties and couldn't agree, so we each bought what we liked and knew we'd think of each other every time we put the tie on. It's true, too. I still have mine and think of both of those guys every time I wear it.

Later, Benoit informed us that the LDS girl he was dating had agreed to marry him, and they got married in the temple, which pleased me. Not too long after, my sister and I visited Benoit and his new wife in Europe, and it was so wonderful to see him in love and happy.

Since then, he has had two boys, and they, with their parents, make a very happy family. I'm grateful I was able to be a part of Benoit's journey to where he is now, and I am happy he is happy. I am humbled by my role in his conversion, knowing full well that I was simply a tool in the Lord's hands at that time.

After I came out of the closet, I remember telling my old mission companion that I was gay, fearing he would judge me or think less of me, and instead he surprised me by revealing that his brother, too, was gay, and just as he loved and cared for him, his feelings would remain the same for me, too, and they have.

Strangely enough, I have never told Benoit that I am gay (although he might be able to figure it out from subtle hints I give in my Facebook statuses). I'm not sure why I haven't told him. I do not believe he would think any less of me or love me any less. That doesn't seem his nature as he is a very compassionate, Christ-like individual. No, I think the reason I've never told him is because as a missionary, I helped bring him into the Church, and while I am not ashamed of the way I am living my life now, I guess in a way I don't want to taint Benoit's image or memory of me then. Maybe that sounds stupid, but I don't want to go from being the good Mormon missionary boy to the excommunicated gay guy in his eyes. None of it changes who I am; I'm still the good, spiritual person I've always been (and am actually happier) and was; I guess I just want Benoit's image of me to remain pure. Does that make sense?

Anyway, here's to you, Benoit. I love you, and I'm glad we're both where we are in life.

A World Gone Crazy

Yesterday, I was afraid the apocalypse was upon us. First of all, Elizabeth Hasselbeck (on the TV show "The View," and whose voice normally gives me seizures) actually said something that I fully and completely agreed with. This rarely happens.

Someone had sent her a photo of Barack Obama supposedly on Veteran's Day that showed a bunch of soldiers saluting while he just stood there. The implication was that his refusal to salute American soldiers on Veteran's Day, of all days, showed just how un-American he is.

To her great credit, Elizabeth Hasselbeck, who is not an Obama fan, not only explained that the photo hadn't been taken on Veteran's Day at all; and not only explained that the reason Obama wasn't saluting was because he had just joined the soldiers who were saluting him as Commander-in-Chief on the podium and therefore had no reason to salute; and then not only went on to show several photos of the President saluting on other occasions; but then pleaded with right-wing extremists such as the one who had sent her the photo to please concentrate on the real issues rather than creating trivial ones based on falsehoods and misinformation. I really respected and admired her for doing so (and for me to say that about Elizabeth Hasselbeck is no small thing). But I agreed with her 100% and was glad she did what she did.

Then later the same day Chris Buttars, the anti-gay senator from West Jordan, Utah, said he is actually considering sponsoring a statewide bill that will mirror the one Salt Lake City just passed that protects gays, lesbians, and the transgendered from housing and employment discrimination. Of course, his cohort, Gayle Ruzicka (local anti-gay lobbyist) was not pleased by his announcement, which made me even happier.

When asked why he suddenly changed his mind after years of constantly pushing against gay rights, he said because the LDS Church had endorsed the Salt Lake City law, he saw no reason why he couldn't do the same. Of course, he did stress that he is still against gay marriage or gay adoption rights. But, still. To see such an "about-face" (even if he wouldn't have done it had the LDS Church not done it) was pretty jaw-dropping to see.

If all this weirdness this keeps up, the next thing you know Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck will announce they're socialists and are marrying each other. What is happening?!

I Just Love Jonah!

He really is one of the sweetest, most generous, most giving, spiritual (and in tune with the Spirit) people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, and I am so happy he is mine.

It baffles my mind when I see these so-called Christians holding up signs that say things like "God hates fags!" or what-have-you. I am 100% more sure that God is working through a gay man like Jonah than through people like them. I think if homophobic bigots were to really get to know and understand someone like my husband, they would realize how wrong they are in their thinking.

Jonah is amazing, and I have no idea what I ever did to deserve him or why he puts up with me. ;-)

I love him! That's all.

This Rolling Stone

It's interesting, I have been simultaneously reading two books. One is called The Sixties Chronicle, which is basically a pictorial history of the events of the decade from 1960-1969 and also includes first hand accounts and commentary on the events. The other book is a biography of President David O. McKay called David O. McKay and the Rise of Modern Mormonism and which, although written by two Mormons, is a pretty truthful and fairly unbiased account of President McKay's tenure as Prophet of the LDS Church and isn't shy about tackling controversial issues such as the church's opposition to the civil rights movement, for example. I'm really enjoying both books immensely, and I've decided that in spite of his faults, I really like David O. McKay. He seems to be a great proponent of free agency, free thinking, and seems (to me, at least) to be a "spirit of the law" kind of individual as opposed to a "letter of the law" individual.

With the recent endorsement of the LDS Church, an ordinance in Salt Lake City which bans employment and housing discrimination against gays, lesbians, and transgendered individuals was passed. Many gay rights activists were surprised by the Church's endorsement, and I admit I was surprised as well (but was very pleased by what I see as a positive step). The LDS Church is still adamant that it will not support gay marriage and will continue to fight for what it believes is right as far as that issue is concerned.

Some in the gay-rights community are skeptical, feeling that the LDS Church only did this to save face with those who have a less-than-favorable impression of the church and did it simply to boost their image. That may be true, although it seems to me the LDS Church usually does what it feels is right regardless of how popular those decisions make them.

Some in the gay community are also indignant, feeling that they owe the LDS Church no gratitude for this endorsement when the church is still actively working to stifle their civil rights. This is an understandable feeling. I, for one, am grateful for any strides the LDS Church makes in regards to gay rights, just as I am thankful for strides that those in the gay-rights community make in creating an atmosphere of communication rather than antagonism. I think we all have a long way to go, but I am thankful for small steps even if it is "two steps forward, one step back" at times.

As I've been reading about the sixties, I am reminded of how volatile the issue of civil rights and desegregation could be, and although racism still exists today, it is fascinating to see how far the civil rights movement came. It is interesting to look at these photos and be reminded of a time not very long ago at all when black people couldn't sit at the same counter as white people or use the same restroom or drinking fountain; black people couldn't attend white schools and were denied employment because of the color of their skin; that a black person couldn't vote or marry a white person; that the whole "separate, but equal" idea was such a sham. One looks at these pictures and sees very plainly that whites were always given preferential treatment. They were given the better jobs, got to sit in the choicest seats, and weren't denied many of the normal things life didn't offer the African-American.





And when blacks attempted to fight for their rights, they were assaulted, beaten, hosed, attacked by dogs, intimidated, threatened, and killed, often by the very people whose job it was to supposedly "serve and protect."

And as I've read about these issues, it dawns on me that there were many segregationists who probably felt that the threat of civil rights for blacks was completely destroying the foundation of their very lives. They literally felt as if their world would fall apart if blacks were to obtain equal rights. I've seen pictures of a woman holding a picket sign that says, "Integration is a mortal sin." Another sign held by a young man says, "The only way to end niggers is exterminate." Another white man with a gun threatens a black man who is attempting to enter his store. Still another pours hydrochloric acid into a swimming pool where blacks are having a swim-in. Parents pull their white kids out of a school where a little black girl is attending first grade for the first time since desegregation has taken effect and has to be protected by federal marshalls. Police and local government leaders refuse to follow the policies the federal government has laid out concerning desegregation, and it is only through federal government protection that they publicly back down (although in private, they still commit some horrendous acts). A church is bombed and kills several black girls. Civil rights advocates are tortured and killed.





















This was not so long ago. Even as I read this book about David O. Mckay, it is interesting to see where the LDS Church stood on civil rights issues. Realizing that church leaders and members were a product of their time, it is still amazing to me to see how blacks were treated by people who belong to a church established by the Savior himself. Most church leaders were opposed to racial integration, including David O. McKay, and were suspicious of the civil rights movement. J. Reuben Clark, Henry D. Moyle, Joseph Fielding Smith, Harold B. Lee, Ezra Taft Benson, and Mark E. Peterson all opposed civil rights and said things that would be considered racist. There was a resistance to change and progression as far as this issue was concerned.

One man in the First Presidency, Hugh B. Brown, was more progressive in this area and said the following in the October, 1963 General Conference when members of the NAACP threatened to picket Temple Square after being rebuffed in their desire to meet with the First Presidency:

"During recent months both in Salt Lake City and across the nation considerable interest has been expressed in the position of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in the matter of civil rights. We would like it to be known that there is in this church no doctrine, belief, or practice that is intended to deny the enjoyment of full civil rights by any person regardless of race, color, or creed.

"We again say, as we have said many times before, that we believe that all men are the children of the same God and that it is a moral evil for any person or group of persons to deny to any human being the right to gainful employment, to full educational opportunity, and to every privilege of citizenship, just as it is a moral evil to deny him the right to worship according to the dictates of his own conscience.

"We have consistently and persistently upheld the Constitution of the United States, and as far as we are concerned that means upholding the constitutional rights of every citizen of the United States.

"We call upon all men everywhere, both within and outside the Church, to commit themselves to the establishment of full civil equality for all of God's children. Anything less than this defeats our high ideal of the brotherhood of man."

While not sanctioned by the church at the time as an "official statement," it later was reluctantly elevated to "official" status two years later when NAACP leaders threatened to organize a series of marches in front of the Church Administration Building.

As I've read all these things and thought about today's current climate, I cannot help but see the parallels between the civil rights movement of the 60s, the women's rights movement, and the gay rights movement. Just as whites feared their world would come crashing down as blacks tried to gain equality; just as men thought their worlds were crashing down when women tried to gain equality; so I think many straight people feel the same way as gay people try to gain equality. It was not so very long ago, too, that you could be arrested for being gay or when homosexuality was considered a disease (and some people still feel that it is).





Although I do think gay people have suffered discrimination and hate-crimes, I do have to say that I think black people have been treated far more harshly in American history than gay people have (although I do think gay people have been treated very unfairly, too).

It is interesting to me that the LDS Church always seems to be in the rear and very slow on the uptake when it comes to equal rights. Church leaders in the 60s opposed civil rights legislation, and the state legislature consistently shot down bills that would give equal rights to blacks. The church also opposed the Equal Rights Amendment in the 70s. This quote is taken from a Utah history website:

"The attack against ERA seemed, at times, alarmist and hysterical. Equation of ERA with sexual permissiveness, abortion, child care, homosexuality, and unisexuality drew the debate away from the constitutional principal of equality to issues of 'traditional family values.' But the attack did reflect the fears of many about the changing roles of women and men and about the changing form of the family. There seemed to be danger in equality for the ideological/cultural concept of the father as head and provider, mother as nurturer and manager, and children as replicas into the next generation. Many feared the equality would make women more vulnerable and exposed, that men would feel freer to abandon family responsibilities.

"Certainly it was these fears which prompted Mormon church leaders to eventually join their financial resources, their promotional skills and their far-flung network of members to the counterrevolution. Church leaders in 1976 described ERA as 'a moral issue with many disturbing ramifications for women and for the family as individual members as a whole.' President Spencer Kimball declared it 'would strike at the family, humankind's basic institution.'

"Donations to support the anti-ERA effort were solicited by ward bishops; speeches against the amendment were deemed appropriate at all church meetings, and church buildings were used as an anti-ERA literature distribution points. Church sponsored anti-ERA organizations operated in Florida, Nevada, North and South Carolina, Missouri, Illinois and Arizona."

The parallels to both fights seem very similar to the current gay-rights struggle vis-à-vis the LDS Church. But just as blacks and women have received more equality over the years (although there is still inequality, racism, and sexism that exists), I think it is inevitable that gay people will receive the rights they long for. I really do think it's a difficult, if not impossible task to stop "this rolling stone."

And just as I think it's hard to look back and read about the way the civil rights movement and the battle against the Equal Rights Amendment (which people are still trying to pass) were handled by the LDS Church, I am reminded about the current battle that is happening with gay rights and wonder how history will view the LDS Church. I don't know what will happen or even necessarily what should happen, but I do think gay rights are going to be a reality, especially as the older generation dies and the newer generation, many of whom seem to support gay rights, comes to the forefront. There will be some lost battles, but I think the war will be won, and just as I know there were people who thought their worlds would collapse as blacks and women gained more equality, I think those people who oppose gay rights will be surprised at how their worlds will remain intact. Heck, they might even discover that they are better. Change can be a very good thing, even if some people don't believe it is progress.

Obituary For A Friend

Yesterday I took an old, reliable friend who's been with me through many momentous times in my life and sold her for a fraction of what she was worth to me. It made me feel dirty and depressed, and yet I knew it had to be done. I am talking, of course, about my 1997 Saturn SL1, the first car I ever owned myself and one that I have had for nearly ten years.

I remember when I bought her. I had two jobs at the time, and after test driving serveral cars, I knew she was the one for me. She was used, but she was great, and most of all, she was mine. She cost me $11,000. and only had 54,000 miles on her.

I paid her off relatively quickly and was so happy when the day came when I finally owned her free-and-clear. She was a terrific and dependable car and lived and traveled with me for almost a decade. She saw me through graduate school; traveled with me to many spots in Utah, Nevada, and California; took me on many job auditions and, subsequently, many jobs; she was there for many enjoyable talks I had with fellow passengers, including good friends, family members, and my now husband; and she took me on so many adventures. I loved her very much.

Sadly, the last year of her life was a hard one. After nearly nine years of no problems whatsoever, she began to ail. First she started burning oil at a very quick rate, and I was told I could either repair the problem at a cost of $2-3,000, which I could not afford, so I just kept filling her with oil. Then, on a terrific trip to LA, as I was coming back home, her timing belt broke and she died. I was able to get her repaired, but, of course, the oil problems persisted. Then her muffler and spark plugs needed replacing and her fuel injection needed cleaning. It seemed to me that the money I was putting into her would actually be better spent in buying another, more reliable, vehicle, and since I do travel often and I knew I would rather buy a new car than fix the main problem, the oil waste, I decided it was time to look for a new car.

It's silly, especially since I know cars are inanimate objects, but looking for another car almost felt like I was cheating on my old car. After all, she'd always been there for me, had been completely reliable until relatively recently, and was still running well enough to get me from point A to point B. But I feared she would let me down, and I knew I had to find something I could depend upon.

Perhaps because of my fondness for my old car, I found another Saturn (this time a 2000 SL1) for $7,000 with 73,000 miles on it. It would have been nice to get a newer car or one with less miles on it, but this is what I could afford now, and I test drove it yesterday and liked it very much. In some ways, it's actually in better condition than my old car was when I bought it. So I bought it. Carmax, who I bought it from (and who I was quite impressed with overall) offered to buy my old car. I was only able to get $250 for my baby, which seemed like a slap in the face, but the used car industry isn't doing well, my old car has some problems that will make it harder to sell, and I don't have time to sell it privately or shop sround for other offers, so I took what I could get.

As they removed her license plates, I could almost hear her weeping, crying out, "Why are you abandoning me?" I hope she knows how much I loved her, and I hope whoever gets her next will find as much joy in owing her as I did. I hope she gets a good home (the thought of her being demolished and used for parts absolutely horrifies me; I'm glad I don't have to know).

The new Saturn drives really well and is a nice car. It has power locks and a CD player, too, which my old car did not have, so that's a nice addition. In many ways, the new car is very much like my old one; so much so that to make myself feel better, I've decided that the spirit of my old car is inhabiting this new one. It's so stupid, but it's comforting.

Weird how I get attached to inanimate objects. I'm very sentimental about things. Jonah jokingly told me he hopes I feel as strongly about him when I have to put him in a home. lol