A Chance To Meet My Hero

Well, I told you it was coming!

Anyone who has read this blog from the beginning knows that I am a huge fan and admirer of Stephen Sondheim. If you don't know who Stephen Sondheim, you can't be my friend anymore. Just kidding! (...but seriously, find out more about him! Really!)

In my opinion, Stephen Sondheim is the greatest composer and lyricist in Broadway musical theatre history. I say that with complete and utter bias, but I also believe it to be true. There have been many great composers and lyricists in musical theatre history, and having taught that particular subject, I know a lot about most of them. But Sondheim is pure genius, in my opinion, and has taken the craft of lyric-writing and composing to a higher level and has opened the doors to other composers and lyricists of his ilk.

That being said, I will admit some things. Stephen Sondheim is an acquired taste. Not everyone likes his stuff, and I understand why. But I think those people are missing what Sondheim is all about (or simply don't appreciate what he's about). I also concede that Sondheim is not the most popular or commercial of Broadway composers/lyricists (at least outside of theatre circles). And this is probably one of the things that draws me to him so much. I know some people don't "get" Sondheim. I do, and when I meet someone who does "get" Sondheim, I know I have more in common with them than those that don't. That's fine. To each his own. Some people put Andrew Lloyd Webber or Stephen Schwartz or Jerry Herman above Stephen Sondheim in their order of appreciation, for example. That's fine. Everyone has different tastes, and I can appreciate what those particular men have brought to musical theatre. But I think those people that put them above Sondheim in terms of pure craftsmanship and innovation are misguided (perhaps by their need for a catchy tune or their unwillingness to work and think harder rather than just sit back and be entertained).

I will admit this, too: Sondheim's shows are not always pleasant to watch, especially if you are not ready to be challenged or deal with complex issues; especially if you just want to leave your brain at the door. I admit this as well: it has been seldom that upon a first viewing or listening of a Sondheim show that I "got" it or even particularly enjoyed it. I'm ashamed to admit that the only two scores I thoroughly enjoyed on a first listen were Assassins and Merrily We Roll Along. Embarrassed, even. (I'm not including West Side Story, Gypsy, or Do I Hear a Waltz?, for which Sondheim did the lyrics and not the music). I mean, now I realize what a groundbreaking show Company was. I think the score to Sweeney Todd is an absolute masterpiece. Into the Woods is one of my favorite musicals. Sunday in the Park with George is brilliant. The complexity, craftsmanship, and skill of Sondheim's music and lyrics astounds me. Like an onion, he has so many layers; and like a fine wine or an aged cheese, he is an acquired taste.

My first exposure to Mr. Sondheim was in 1989, toward the end of my last year of high school. In the summer I would be going on a theatre trip organized by my drama teacher, and one of the shows we would be seeing was Into the Woods. I had purchased that album (yes, kiddies, album!) along with Les Miserables and Phantom of the Opera, which we would also be seeing (but not Cats (I already knew I wasn't so fond of the music for that show). I purchased the albums to familiarize myself with the music of the shows we would be seeing. At the time, I thought Les Miz was terrific, Phantom was so-so, and Into the Woods was cute, but I was kind of nonplussed by it. Oh, how times change! I now know that Into the Woods is far superior than the other two. I still have a fondness for Les Miserables, but it certainly isn't as sophisticated or as well crafted as Into the Woods, in my opinion. I still think (and thought at the time) that Phantom was overrated. In general, I think Andrew Lloyd Webber is overrated and isn't nearly as talented or brilliant as Mr. Sondheim. Yet, he is the more popular of the two (or at least the most commercial).

When I saw Into the Woods, I really enjoyed the first act, but thought the second was a bit of a downer. In my immaturity, I completely missed the point of the show. Like so many theatre-goers, I think I just wanted to be entertained, not educated or enlightened. But I did discover as life continued, the more I listened to, read the script for, or saw other productions of Into the Woods, the richer the experience became and the more I gleaned from it. I almost equate to reading the scriptures. I think the more you read them, the deeper the meanings become, and sometimes passages you've read again and again will suddenly take on new and inspirational meanings simply based on where you are in life. I think most, if not all, of Sondheim's work is like that.

When I went away to college, I had the great fortune to become best friends with a guy who introduced me to more of Sondheim's work. In the course of our first year of college together, he introduced me to Sweeney Todd, Company, Sunday in the Park with George, and also helped me gain a greater appreciation for West Side Story, which I was only vaguely familiar with at the time. I am truly embarrassed to admit that aside from West Side Story, my first impressions of these scores and shows were less-than-glowing.

My friend forced a bunch of us to watch Sweeney Todd, which he adored. While I found much of the music interesting and enjoyed the performances, some of it felt too operatic to me and the story was too dark for my tastes, and, frankly, I found it depressing. I could sense my friend's disappointment that I hadn't latched on to it the way he did (the same reaction I have today when someone doesn't appreciate or enjoy it).

I remember thinking Company sounded very dated; very "70s." I freely admit I didn't get it at all. What was this show even about? I also thought the lady who played Joanne (Elaine Stritch) had a terrible voice, and I had no clue what "The Ladies Who Lunch" was even about.

Sunday was a bit more enjoyable for me. There were some tunes I liked, but I found much of the score too busy for my tastes.

I liked West Side Story a lot, and greatly enjoyed Leonard Bernstein's music. I remember hearing the score before I saw the movie, and thought the song "Maria" was so repetitive as far as lyrics went. "Why does he keep repeating 'Maria'?" Oh, how dumb I was! Yet when I saw the song in context in the film, I thought it was one of the most moving things I had ever seen. The sheer simplicity, yet great power, of it still astounds me, and it's a song I now adore. Although the sad ending bothered me at the time, I did like the story and the lessons within it very much.

Yet in spite of my weak first impressions of these scores, I felt strangely compelled to keep listening to them, and as I did so, I began to appreciate and understand more about them. I began to pay more attention to the lyrics. It's true, for example, that it took me a while to appreciate or understand what Company was about, but I liked much of the music, and as time went by, began to glean deeper meaning from the lyrics. Now I know what a groundbreaking musical it was, and the deep insight Sondheim gives relationships and marriage is beyond fascinating to me.

Some of the dark wit in Sweeney Todd eventually resonated with me, and I found many of the songs, including "The Barber and His Wife" and "Pretty Women" so moving.

This time in my life was especially difficult and frought with confusion, depression, frustration, and angst, and I very distinctly remembering how the song "Move On" from Sunday in the Park with George seemed to speak to my heart directly. I felt like Sondheim had gotten inside my soul and spoken directly to me. I listened to that specific song over and over.

Eventually I became such a fan of Sweeney Todd that I begged my theatre professor to do it the next year and spent the summer ardently campaigning for it. In retrospect, we had neither the talent or maturity to pull it off, and it would have been a major bomb in that particular community, but I knew none of that at the time.

I bought the record and listened to it again and again and again and was obsessed with it. I made my mom watch it (her reaction was similiar to my first reaction, but I think she appreciates it much more now). I bought my own copies of the albums for Sunday in the Park and Company as well.

Our theatre department ended up doing The Pirates of Penzance as our musical, and I thought "Gilbert and Sullivan over Sondheim?! You've got to be kidding!"

As I studied his lyrics and watch productions of Sondheim's shows, I began to see how much they taught me about life and the human condition, and how much certain lyrics seemed to relate to me specifically. It took many more years of listening to his music to really appreciate the deepness and complexity of the compositions themselves.

As life went on, I collected more and more of his scores, devouring them (although, again, I admit, I did not always like his stuff on a first listen; I did not care for Pacific Overtures, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, or Follies the first time I heard them. I'm a hug fan of all three now). I thought A Little Night Music was okay, although I remember very much liking "Every Day A Little Death," which still remains one of my very favorite Sondheim compositions.

I thought Merrily We Roll Along was brilliant and moving the very first time I heard it, and although it is rarely done (and bombed on Broadway), it is probably my second favorite Sondheim score (Sweeney being the first; although they are so very different, it's hard to compare). I also remember loving Assassins the first time I heard it, both because it dealt with a subject that I found very interesting and because I liked the dark humor in it. Plus the music was terrific. I also enjoyed Anyone Can Whistle.

As the years have gone by, I have become a huge fan and connoisseur of Sondheim and his music. I've written him three letters in my life, all of which he answered personally. My first letter to him was a fawning fan letter telling him what a genius I thought he was. I sent it through his music publisher, and a week later I got a small letter from New York. At the time I didn't know anyone in New York and wondered who it could be from. When I opened it and discovered that it was from Mr. Sondheim himself (on his personal stationary no less), I was elated and amazed that he not only took the time to write back, but did so so promptly.

And what was written in his letter? Only three sentences, which I still remember (because I often take that letter out and reread it): "Dear [Cody], what a terrific letter! Thank you. It made my day." Signed by Stephen Sondheim himself. I once made Stephen Sondheim's day!!!

The other two letters were written while I was doing my senior project in my last year of my undergraduate. A friend of mine were doing a show about Stephen Sondheim and his work, and I wrote him to ask for some advice, and he wrote me back and asked me to report on how it went. So I wrote him again, and he wrote me back.

I have great esteem and admiration for the man. He just came out with a book, Finishing the Hat, which I've started reading and love. In conjunction with his book, he has been touring various places. One of those places, luckily, will be Salt Lake City on February 1. I bought tickets immediately, and Jonah and I will be attending what is being called "An Evening with Stephen Sondheim" where he will be interviewed and talk about his work (and likely field questions). I am thrilled to finally see my hero and idol up close. It's something I always hoped I would do, and as Mr. Sondheim gets older, I realized the chances were getting slimmer, so I'm very, very excited.

I could write a whole blog about Stephen Sondheim, let alone a post, and a lot of you out there probably haven't been interested enough to get this far. But I love the guy and am so eager to finally see him in person, and I just wanted you all to know.

Here's to you, Stephen Sondheim! Here's to you!

A Talk You Don't Hear Every Day

About two weeks ago I got a telephone call from a woman who was giving a talk in church on the following Sunday. She wanted to speak on an issue that was troubling here greatly: how church members and leaders treat gay people in the church. Apparently, she was having trouble sorting her thoughts, and because she is straight herself, she wanted a gay person's perspective on the subject, and I guess a mutual friend recommended she talk to me.

We had a rather lengthy conversation. I learned that the ward she would be speaking in was in Utah County, one of the most conservative areas in a conservative state. As she spoke with me, I could tell she was very torn by this issue and that she was quite troubled by the talk Boyd K. Packer had given in last General Conference. She was quite nervous about giving this talk, but felt this was an issue that needed to be addressed.

I personally talked a lot about how, regardless of how the Church handles this issue, I just wish that members of the church realized this issue probably touches them and affects them more than they think it does; that there are gay people all around them without their even knowing it, and that if some of them would put away some of their preconceived notions of what it even means to be gay, they would find a new world opened up to them.

As this woman talked about some of her ideas, I did feel some concern for her as I felt some of her ideas challenged church teachings and the words said by General Authorities, and I wondered how her local leaders (especially in Utah County) would react. At the same time, as someone who is not allowed to speak in my own ward, part of me felt good that maybe some of the things I feel and would like to be heard might actually be heard across the pulpit through this woman.

I mostly talked about how I wished people were just more educated about homosexuality and would reserve more love and less judgment toward their gay brothers and sisters. In any case, we had a nice talk, I advised her to pray about what she was going to say and then whatever she felt inspired to say would probably be good. I also asked her to tell me how it went.

Well, she called me yesterday and said she had been very nervous about giving the talk and became even more so when it was announced that a visiting General Authority (someone in the Sunday School Presidency, I believe) was in attendance. Anyway, she gave the talk and was very pleased with the reception it got. Although she did see some people bristling as she gave the talk, she had a woman with a gay sister and a gay man come up to her afterward and compliment her on the talk. The gay man also stated that it had been the first time he had heard such a positive talk towards members of the church with "same-sex attraction." The bishop said he felt they had learned some things, and the other speaker said kind things as well. The woman received a lot of complimentary praise for her talk and said she didn't encounter anybody who was put off by it (at least none that she was aware of).

I told her I was glad she had had a positive experience and applauded her for taking a stand on an issue that I think gets pushed aside too often. I'm just glad it went well.

Among some of the things she shared were the Stuart Matis suicide (I guess she knew Stuart's sister) and how a talk Stuart's sister gave deeply affected her in a positive way.

She talked about her cousin, who was gay, and how her family had been very accepting of him when people in his own ward had not been very kind to him. Upon discovering he was gay, supposed friends of his mother said he was no longer welcome in their house.

She talked about some of the controversial aspects of President Packer's talk and what some of the General Authorities have said about "same-sex attraction." She talked about how the changes President Packer made to his talk after giving it infer that the Proclamation to the Family is a guide more than a revelation. She talked about recent statements the LDS Church has given on showing more love to its gay members.

She highlighted that "we are to show love and compassion to people with same-sex attraction whether they agree with us or not or whether they live the way we think they should or not."

She talked about Marlin Jensen's visit the Oakland, California Stake and the love he expressed regarding gay members and his apology for any hurt that had been caused.

She shared a story about when her cousin introduced his boyfriend to his mom and dad, his dad hugged the boyfriend. The boyfriend broke down in tears, saying, "I never thought a man from Utah County would ever hug me."

Another story she shared was about a son who came out to his mom, but was worried about how his dad would respond, so he wrote him a letter. After reading the letter, the dad was very upset and depressed. The mother reminded the father that "Our son is still our son and we need to love and support him for who he is, not for who we wish he was. The father looked at her and said, "I’m not upset about what you think I’m upset about. I’m not sad or angry that our son is gay — I will always love him the same. What I’m sad about is that I just found out that my son has been suffering all these years alone, and he didn’t feel comfortable enough to come to me so I could be there to support him through this."

She talked about ways in which members can show more love to gay people. One way is simply realizing that there are, indeed, gay people around them and how they talk about and refer to gay people will affect them, either positively or negatively. Another is to understand that regardless of what individual members believe or think, they don't know really what it is like to be in a gay person's shoes unless they have lived that themselves. So members must be compassionate and nonjudgmental.

She asked the following rhetorical questions: "Do we make jokes and off-hand comments when we think we’re just with our friends? Do we pass along stereotypes about gay people and how we think they are or what we think they’re like? Do we make comments in church and write things on the internet that we would never say to someone’s face? If we had a friend who was gay and we didn’t know it, would they feel safe enough to tell us and come to us for support? Some gay people have been rejected by their families, and their ward family IS their only support."

She said, "When we were baptized as members of this church, we made a covenant to 'bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light, to mourn with those that mourn, and to comfort those in need of comfort.' (Mosiah 18) If we are to be like our Savior and show unconditional love, it means just that—love without any conditions placed on it."

She closed with the following questions: "How are we going to treat people? Who are we going to be? Who do we GET to be?"

Anyway, I'm glad it went well for her, and I hope it opened some minds and hearts.

Testimony

Another rather undynamic meeting at church today. Usually I enjoy testimony meeting, as there is often something said that inspires or moves me. Most of the testimonies just felt tired and uninspired to me today. I know that sounds awful to say. It's not like testimony meeting is supposed to be about entertaining Cody, but it just felt like many of the same people saying the same things. I'm always interested in hearing more from people who never get up to bear their testimonies. I want to hear how they feel and what they have to say. Unfortunately, they rarely get up to do so.

We sang "Joy to the World" as one of our congregational hymns, and I just didn't feel much joy coming from anybody. I guess that's kind of how testimony meeting felt, too. It just kind of felt like people were getting up out of obligation than a real desire to share their testimonies. Of course, it's entirely possible that it was my own attitude that was making me feel that way.

However, one thing did happen that touched me somewhat. A kid got up to bear his testimony. He's probably about 14 or 15. Anyway, he's a pretty bright, articulate kid. The testimony itself was more of a "thankimony" (which I don't really mind), and he talked about how he admired some of the older kids in his Boy Scout troop, mentioning them specifically by name, and it made me think about what really good youth we seem to have in my home ward.

But what touched me was that he challenged his friend to bear his testimony. His friend is not as bright, and is a little slow, and it's interesting to me that these boys are even friends at all, but they are, and for some reason the fact that these two boys with seemingly little in common are such good friends touches me somehow. After the second boy gave a very simple testimony, the first boy "high-fived" him, and I was just moved by the love these two boys share for one another. That was probably the most moving thing that I witnessed the entire meeting.

Another girl went up to bear her testimony, but only got her name out and was too freaked out to continue. Our bishop, who was the last to speak, noted to her specifically that even though she didn't say much, we could all feel of her spirit. I felt very prompted to go up to her after the meeting and say, "It takes a lot of courage to get up and bear your testimony. You should be very proud of yourself." She said, "I got scared." I replied, "It's okay. We all get scared from time to time. What's important was that you tried, and regardless of what you said, we felt of your spirit." I just wanted her to know she had no reason to feel dumb or ashamed. Too many people in life try to mock others or make them feel less than they really are. I try and hope I succeed in building others up. I don't know if my words were of any help to her or whether she even needed them; I only wanted to make her feel good about what she might have viewed as a failure. Because I didn't feel she failed at all. I commend her for getting up at all. So many people don't even do that, and I guess now that I actually am unable to do so in Sacrament Meeting, I realize somewhat how much we take the act of simply bearing a testimony for granted.

Anyway, that's what I wanted to write about today.

Opening The Door

Suppose your whole life there was a door before you and everyone told you that what was behind it was terrible and evil and that you shouldn't open it and furthermore, if you did open it, all sorts of terrible things would happen to you.



And let's say you believed it. You believed that if you opened this door, you would find nothing but horror and guilt and misery behind it. The fear that everyone created around you in relation to this door made you so scared to open the door.

But let's say that you had such a strong, uncontrollable desire to open the door, and no matter what you did to suppress or eradicate those desires, you felt not just a desire, but an actual need to open the door. You actually thought if you didn't open the door, you would die; and yet nearly everyone around you was telling you that if you did open the door, you would die.

And let's say one day you fearfully put your hand on the knob of the door, feeling a great sense of trepidation and guilt and confusion, and yet at the same time, a feeling that not only should you open the door, but that it was actually right and good to do so.

And let's say you finally open the door, expecting to find the calamities of the world ready to pounce upon you and feed upon your very soul when, instead, you discover that what is behind the door is not at all what people told you was behind the door.



No, what is behind the door turns out to be a place filled with more love, beauty, and freedom than you could have even imagined. You discover that what is behind the door makes you more happy than you ever thought possible. It isn't at all bad like people led you to believe it would be; quite the opposite - behind that door you have found the most beautiful place you could ever reside, and it is a place you never want to leave.



And living there, you ask yourself, "Why was I so scared to open the door? Why did I believe all the awful things I was told about what was behind the door? Why did I let fear overshadow the love and joy I have discovered behind the door?"



I remember a distinct moment early in my relationship with Jonah which I wrote about here. We were on vacation at Disneyland and were quite innocently lying in bed together. I had recently confessed to Jonah that I had feelings for him, but was still very confused about how to deal with them. As I said in my post, "...in the morning when we woke up, Jonah started holding me, and I let him because I had wanted that all along. It just felt so nice to be held by someone I loved who loved me. It felt right, and I didn’t feel guilty. We cuddled for a bit, and he tussled my hair for a while, and I really enjoyed that... ...I just felt so happy to be in his arms."

I remember feeling so good being in his arms, but still fighting the feeling that it felt right and good because I had been told for so long that it wasn't. It took a while to let myself "walk through the door," and heaven praise Jonah for being patient and understanding and compassionate enough to stick around while I decided whether or not I actually wanted to go through the door.

Well, I'm through the door, baby, and all I can say is, I'm so, so glad I opened the door. I have absolutely no regrets in doing so. None.

50 Things I Love

This is a companion piece to yesterday's post. This list was a lot easier to make than yesterday's list of 50 things I don't like. I guess that says something about me. Again, in no particular order:

1. Jonah. Really. :-)
2. Getting my haircut
3. The taste of chocolate
4. The sound of a child's laugh. There is such an innocence and purity to it.
5. Bananas
6. The smell of coffee. I actually like the taste, too.
7. The original Star Wars trilogy, particularly The Empire Strikes Back.
8. My family. They are great. My mom is one of my best friends.
9. Animals
10. Mika. Thanks to his "Grace Kelly" being my ringtone, answering the phone (which I do not like) has become more pleasurable.
11. Watching people who really know how to dance. Probably because it's something I'm not very good at myself. I particularly enjoy watching ballet.
12. Acting. I love, love, love it! I have a hard time imagining doing anything else more fulfilling as a career.
13. Watching a really brilliant piece of theatre or a really great movie or TV show.
14. Creativity
15. The combination of chocolate and peanut butter. Whoever originally came up with that should get a free pass to heaven just for that, in my opinion.
16. Playing games.
17. Wit or humor that is based in cleverness
18. The TV show "Lost." I thought it was brilliant.
19. Egg yolks. Mmmmmmm!
20. Gravy. Mmmmmm!
21. The Harry Potter series. Again, brilliant.
22. Kindness
23. Being out of the closet. It has made life so, so much easier and more joyful.
24. People who love rather than judge
25. Sushi. I notice a lot of these are food. Hmm.
26. Eating. Might as well just say it, huh?
27. Musicals. Yes, I'm gay.
28. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It's one of my favorite books. I read it almost every year.
29. My Heavenly Father and my Savior. Good thing these are in no particular order.
30. Redemption. It's a theme I love to see in books, movies, and life.
31. Learning. I loved school (well, except junior high, but that had nothing to do with the learning aspect of it)
32. Biographies. I love reading about other people's lives.
33. Trivia. My mind is filled with more of this than anything else, unfortunately.
34. Music. Oh, my gosh, I don't know what I would do without music! I'd rather go blind than deaf.
35. Dissonance. In line with the preceding, dissonant chords are my favorite.
36. Christmas
37. The color purple. Not the book, movie, or musical, but the actual color (although I quite like the book and movie (the musical, not as much)).
38. People who are interested in having thought-provoking, deep conversations. If you just want to talk about the weather, I'm not your guy.
39. Symbolism
40. The sound of a violin. Listen to the theme of Schindler's List, for example, and tell me that's not a hauntingly beautiful sound.
41. The avocado eggrolls at The Cheesecake Factory. Yes, again more food, but they are delicious.
42. Really soft cat fur
43. Smooth surfaces
44. Challenges
45. Optimism
46. The miracles of technology.
47. Sleeping. I. Love. To. Sleep.
48. The quiet, muffled sound that comes with snow.
49. Along the same lines, I love the actual sound of silence. Yes, my friends, silence has a sound.
50. History

50 Things I Am Not Fond Of

I've seen variations of this on other people's blogs, so I thought I'd contribute my own. In no particular order:

1. Learning choreography. I don't dislike dancing, but because dancing doesn't come naturally to me, learning dance steps is always more frustrating than fun.
2. People who talk too loudly in places I think should be more quiet (i.e movie theaters, libraries, backstage during shows, etc.)
3. Cell phones. I think they are a necessary evil. I resisted getting one for a very long time and use it sparingly now that I have one.
4. Talking on the phone, period. I'd rather talk face-to-face.
5. Making small talk at parties, especially with people I've just met. Sooooo uncomfortable, although I'm getting better at it.
6. Soggy bread. This is ironic since I enjoy dipping bread in gravy or spaghetti sauce, but if bread gets wet with water, forget it! It's a textural thing.
7. Rude people. I think we can afford to be more polite to each other.
8. The fact that no matter what line I get in at the checkout counter, it's always the one with the longest waiting time.
9. My innate laziness. I could get so much more done in life if I would just work harder.
10. Bodily fluids. They gross me out somewhat.
11. People who look for reasons to get offended.
12. Narrow-mindedness.
13. Inconsiderate people at the movies. I swear, I wish I had my own screening studio.
14. Slow internet service
15. Doing anything mechanical. I am inept.
16. Exercise. It makes me feel better and makes me more fit, but I don't enjoy doing it.
17. People who try to force their belief system on other people.
18. "Girls Gone Wild" commercials. They are tacky and sexist.
19. Scraping frost off my windshield.
20. People who speed up when you put on your turn signal.
21. Driving in blizzards or in rain at night.
22. Bruised or mushy bananas. Again, a textural thing.
23. Divas. I don't care how talented you are or how talented you think you are, if you're not treating those around you with respect, I'm not a fan.
24. Going to the dentist. I feel like my mouth is being raped!
25. The sound of metal scraping against metal or concrete. It's "nails on a chalkboard" for me.
26. Bratty kids
27. Getting up too early
28. The Barenaked Ladies. Every time I hear one of their songs on the radio, I switch the station. Every time. I. Can't. Stand. Them.
29. Looking for a parking spot at the University of Utah.
30. Being sick. I turn into the most pathetic human being on earth when it happens. I pity who has to tolerate me when it happens.
31. Sports. Sorry, sports fans. I just couldn't care less about the games you seem to find so fascinating. You probably feel the same way about the Tonys, so I guess we're even.
32. People trying to carry on a conversation with me while I'm trying to read. It's not that I have anything against you; I'm just...well, I'm just trying to read here.
33. People who want to be very conversational with me when I'm flying or riding public transportation. I don't mind a "hi" or a smile, but it's rare that I meet someone on a plane or a bus that I really want to chat with.
34. Overly-bitter olives
35. Being in the mood for chocolate and only being able to find "crap" candy like Skittles and suckers and Jolly Ranchers
36. Washing dishes. I'd actually rather clean the toilet bowl. Honestly.
37. Spencer and Heidi Pratt. Why are they even famous?
38. Being a Democrat in a very Republican state
39. Potty humor. It's not at all what makes me laugh.
40. Hypocrisy, although I can be guilty of it as well.
41. The fact that I eat when I'm bored rather than eating because I'm actually hungry.
42. My lack of motivation. There are so many things I would like to do, but just can't seem to motivate myself to actually do them.
43. People who use religion as a way to oppress or show hate. That flabbergasts me.
44. Dry heaving. I'd rather just throw up.
45. Allergies
46. Crowds
47. Spicy food
48. When the inside of my ear or the back of my throat itches. Because, really, what can you do?
49. Arrogance
50. Being too cold. Being hot is annoying, but being cold is physically painful to me.

Feeling Sad

I just found out that a friend of mine from college and his daughter were killed in an automobile accident today. Such a good man. His wife and his two other children are in serious condition. Death doesn't typically bother me because I believe this life is just a short moment in the eternal scheme of things, but sudden deaths are always the hardest for me. One minute you're full of life, enjoying your Thanksgiving Day; the next, your gone from this earth. It's just sad.

I've been a bit down anyway because I've been missing Jonah terribly. We've been apart for about two and a half months now, and our last time together was a mere week and a half. I won't see him until Christmas Eve, and then I'll only get two and a half days with him until I start work again in Utah. I'm grateful to be employed, of course, but it sucks to be apart sometimes. Fortunately, I foresee that I'll have nothing lined up for February and at least part of March, so that will give us some time together.

I can tell Jonah's a bit down, too (not just because of the separation, but other factors as well). It's unusual for us both to be down at the same time. Anyway, this, too, shall pass.

Coming Out

This is where I told somebody for the first time, out loud, that I was gay:



I don't remember where we were seated precisely, although if memory serves, it was the middle of the back row. What I do remember was that it felt like my darkest, most horrible secret had finally come to light, and I felt the heaviness of the world lifted off of me. I wept and wept and wept because I was glad that somebody finally knew what I had been keeping locked away for so many years.

I was fortunate that the person I told was completely loving and accepting and nonjudgmental (and, it turned out, was gay herself). I know God helped me find her friendship at this very critical juncture in my life partially because she really helped me through a lot in dealing with my sexuality.

At the time I told her, being gay seemed like such a terrible, awful thing to be. I felt like the most perverse, misunderstood, lonely human being on the face of the earth. After telling her, I began to realize I wasn't (although I still had a lot of uphill climbing to do in dealing with my sexuality).

Today I am so happy to be who I am and grateful for where I am in my life. I am a beautiful, wonderful person who has been blessed so abundantly.

It really does get better.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Beautiful!

I thought this post by another blogger out there was especially touching.

My Stake President Is Awesome

I guess I should say "former Stake President" since I'm technically no longer a member of the LDS Church, but I just consider him my Stake President. He just wanted to meet with me to see how I'm doing and to express his love for me. He said that no one can know what it's like to be in someone else's shoes or to trod the road that he or she has trod, but that the most important thing was to make sure our relationship with our Savior and Heavenly Father remained intact and strong. I feel that is the case.

He said he admired my example and said he knows things have occurred in the Church that could easily have made someone in my shoes angry or bitter or combative, but that he's glad I have chosen a different attitude. I said I don't always agree with how church leaders handle specific issues, but that I still believe they come from a place of love and concern and that I still have a great love for the religion in which I was brought up. He said that no matter how I feel about the church or what decisions I make regarding it, he will always love me, and I know he meant it. I feel the same way.

He said one thing that has always stuck with him was that he has always admired the fact that Jonah and I have only been with one another sexually and that we waited until after our commitment ceremony to consummate our relationship. He said that he really admires that. I'm proud of that, too. I don't judge anybody who chooses differently, but it felt right for me, and I'm glad my relationship with Jonah is what it is.

My Stake President asked how I was doing. I told him I was very well and was very happy. I told him I have no regrets about the choices I have made. He was happy I was happy.

He asked me how others have responded to my choices. I said that for the most part people have been very supportive. He said he was glad, but also advised me that if anyone ever does say anything unkind or offensive that I still have the ability to choose how I will react to that; that people are imperfect and sometimes do and say careless things, but what is most important is that my relationship with the Lord remain solid and that I not put their imperfections on him. I said that ultimately I can't control how people to respond to me or how I live my life. I can only live my life the best way I know how, and although I can't control how those around me may react, I can control my own reaction and my attitude towards them.

It was a really good talk. I know this man genuinely cares about me. I remember before I was excommunicated, my Stake President expressed hopes that our relationship wouldn't be negatively affected; that our love and friendship would remain strong. I told him it would. And it has.

I have been very fortunate in my association with local leaders (bishops and stake presidents) during much of the course of my life. I've had some really good men counsel me, and in many cases, they have become more than just leaders to me. They have become and have remained friends. I know some people who haven't been as lucky.

My Stake President is a great man. I love him a lot. I'm grateful we had the opportunity to talk today.

I wrote another post today, too. It follows this one.

I Should Have Gone To Brunch

This morning I had an opportunity to go to brunch with some of my cast mates and crew members of the show I'm currently rehearsing. Instead I decided to go to to church, as I usually do. I made the wrong call.

Church, particularly Sacrament Meeting, was mind-numbingly boring today. In fact, if it is possible to be bored to death, I'd say I was pretty close. I think I actually felt I lost a few minutes of precious life today.

Before you give me some of the standard answers I've heard before (i.e., "Well, what did you do to prepare to receive the Spirit today?", "Church is not designed for entertainment, but for worship," "Not every meeting can be a home run," etc.), let me say that I enjoy going to church the majority of the time, but I do not understand why LDS church meetings have to be so dull and uninspired at times. And I actually think my ward that I attend is one of the better ones, but in my history of attending many LDS wards throughout my life, I have seen a lot of lackluster meetings, and I don't quite understand why it has to be that way.

I have heard some outstanding talks in my day and have participated in some very thought-provoking, spiritual lessons, but more often than not, I find that church meetings can come off as somewhat monotonous and boring. I feel sorry for these teachers who come in with a well-prepared lesson only to be greeted by silence or the occasional "Sunday School answer." (Believe you me, I would comment if I could, but my excommunication precludes that). And why do the majority of LDS congregants insist on celebrating the worship of their Lord by singing hymns as if they were funeral dirges? I stopped attending Priesthood years ago because it was week after week after week of unprepared, uninspired lessons, and I simply decided I had better uses for my time. And why do 80% of high council members seem unable to give a good talk? Is it one of the requisites of being called to that position? (In their defense, I think over the years they have gotten better. When I was younger it seemed more like 95%.) And why are church meetings so often conducted like board meetings rather than worship services?

I think worship service can be so much more dynamic, inspiring, and spiritual than it sometimes is. There have been some great talks in General Conferences before; why can't that same fervent energy and instruction exist on a local level, too?

Shouldn't part of worship be celebrating our Savior and our Heavenly Father and creating an environment where the Spirit can freely flow. At the end of two of the most uninspired, tired talks I have heard in some time, the first counselor got up and said a usual, "We're thankful for our speakers. We have felt the Spirit here today," and I just thought, "Have we felt it as strongly as we could have if the speakers had been more dynamic or if the congregation had been more present and spiritually prepared?" I'm not excusing myself. Perhaps I could have been more spiritually present and in tune myself. Maybe I would have more strongly felt the same Spirit the counselor alluded to if I had been more in tune. But I've come to church many a time ready and willing to learn something; having an open mind, heart, and spirit, only to be greeted by an unprepared teacher or speaker or one who doesn't know how to engage his or her listeners. My point is, it isn't always my fault.

I love those times when a really good speaker or teacher gives an especially great talk or lesson; where the participants in a lesson actually have a thought-provoking, spiritual discussion rather than just spouting canned answers; where a particular musical number is done in such a way that the Spirit reverberates throughout the room; etc. I think it can happen more often if we allow it to.

Sometimes it seems that Mormons are just kind of boring, joyless worshipers. It's as if it's a chore to be at church (and sometimes, admittedly, it is). I've attended other faiths on occasion. Some I have enjoyed greatly; others not so much. The ones I've enjoyed most were the ones where there was joy and electricity in the air or when a particular sermon was given that touched my soul. I wish there was more of that in organized religion. I think we should strive for that more. Shouldn't worshiping and learning be joyful events and cause for celebration? I think they should be; otherwise I'd just like to have a joyful brunch with some good friends.

Different, But Not Less

So last night I saw the HBO movie Temple Grandin, starring Claire Danes. It was something I had been wanting to see for some time. I read Temple Grandin's book, Animals in Translation a couple of years ago, and was very interested in her story; I like Clare Danes; and HBO movies tend to be very well-made. I was not disappointed.

For those of you not familiar with Temple Grandin, she is an autistic woman who grew up in the 50s when autism was especially misunderstood. She overcame many obstacles in life to become a professor (she teaches at Colorado State University), an inventor, an author, and livestock consultant. You can read more about her here.

In any case, as she was growing up and going to school Temple was seen by some as a freak or a nerd because of her differences. She did not behave as "normal" people do and so was often misunderstood. Her values were sometimes ignored or she was humored because people did not understand her reality. According to the movie, a particular teacher mentored her because he realized she had certain gifts and talents that others did not possess. Unlike people who do not have autism, Temple literally thinks in images and can recall any image she has seen. Like many people with autism, she is especially sensitive to sounds and overstimulation. She relates to animals because she believes animals see things the way she does, and there seems to be much proof that this is true because she has designed safer, more humane slaughterhouses based on easing the fears she believes livestock has, and the implements she has invented seem to work very well.

Temple Grandin is somebody who is different from the norm and could be regarded as strange by those who do not understand the reality she lives. But her reality is just that: hers; and once she was able to unlock the door that allowed her to successfully communicate her ideas and allow her to share her knowledge and gifts with the world, people realized how valuable she was to society. She has saved the livestock industry a lot of money and headaches with her inventions and designs. She has helped people understand autism much better. She has contributed greatly to society. I believe much of this was due to the patience and love of those who wanted to understand and know her for who she is.

In the movie a quote was said in reference to Temple that greatly touched me: "Different, but not less." Sometimes we fear those that are different than us. I've written about this before. This fear, I think, comes from our misconceptions of who people really are or from ignorance or from preconceived notions or simply from a lack of understanding. A mentally retarded person might make someone uncomfortable because they do things that do not fit that person's idea of what is "normal" behavior. The homeless guy talking to himself might put one on guard because he or she doesn't understand that person's reality. Someone might be afraid of someone of another race, religion, or sexual orientation because they don't understand or relate or have mistaken notions of that particular race, religion, or orientation. We all do it, I think. We all have people in our midst who make us feel uncomfortable or fearful because we have mistaken notions or incomplete information about who these people are. We have preconceived ideas, some right and some wrong, upon which we base our judgments of other people, and those color our attitudes towards them.

The key, I think, is unlocking the door just as someone like Temple's mentor or Temple's mother or Temple's aunt did for her. But that sometimes takes a lot of time, patience, and love as well as a willingness to understand where another person is coming from. I bawled during this movie as Temple embraced her differences to become the great woman she has become.

It reminded me of another movie that always gets me crying, The Miracle Worker. The moment in the movie that sets me off is toward the very end when Helen Keller finally understands what Annie Sullivan has been trying to teach her; when she finally "breaks the code," so to speak; when she finally understand how the sign for "water" and the water from the well pouring on her hand relate. The realization that comes over her is absolutely heart-breaking (in a good way) to me.



Her door is unlocked because of a very patient and loving person who, instead of shunning or fearing her differences, tries to create successful communication. Helen Keller became an author, lecturer, and political activist. She could just as likely ended up isolated and misunderstood if not for someone believing in her and for seeing who she was and building on it. She was "different, but not less."

I'm not equating homosexuality with autism or blindness and deafness; I'm pointing out that homosexuality is seen by some as an aberration, as something that is not normal or is wrong. I beg to differ. Homosexuality is just "different, but not less." Temple Grandin once said, "If I could snap my fingers and become nonautistic I would not do so. Autism is part of who I am." Helen Keller once said, "I can see, and that is why I can be happy, in what you call the dark, but which to me is golden. I can see a God-made world, not a man-made world." These women embraced who they were because that's who they were. Being gay is a part of who I am. Whereas there was a time when I would have done anything to be rid of it, I embrace and love it because it a huge part of me.

I recently saw Katy Perry's video for her song "Firework." I love its message of celebrating who you are.



I love Christina Aguilera's video "Beautiful" for the same reason.



I said before in a previous post I referred to earlier that I believe there is a place at God's table for all. I do not believe fear is of God. In fact, because I think it is often fear that causes hate, I feel it is accurate to say that the opposite of love is fear.

Jonah and I were talking tonight about how so often we contain ourselves in boxes because of fear. I believe there is so much more beyond the four walls we sometimes limit ourselves to. Christ's ministry, as Jonah reminded me, was not limited within four walls of a church. It was expansive; he was constantly out there getting to know all the "freaks" and loving them and caring for them when no one else would. He took special care of the misunderstood, the neglected, the shunned.

I think that's what Christ's gospel is all about. We need to love and understand each other better. I plead guilty of not doing it, too. Instead of judging people based on perceived differences, we need to find out who they really are inside and learn to communicate with them because they more than likely have something very valuable to teach us.

Jonah loves to say that when we're constantly looking down in life, we see nothing; when we look up, we see an endless sky of limitless possibilities. So much in life I think we limit ourselves because we can't think outside the box of what might be "normal" or acceptable." In doing so, I think we deprive ourselves of a great, limitless universe of possibility.

"Different" does not mean "less."

How People Should Behave

Today as I was driving on the freeway to work, the man in front of me and I signaled to change lanes at the same time. I happened to change lanes first. Instead of preventing him from getting into my lane or zipping past him before he could do so like many Utah drivers would have done, I signaled for him to come over. And instead of being annoyed by my beating him to the lane first, he changed lanes and signaled a "thank you" back to me, and I returned the favor by signaling a "your welcome," and I thought, "This is how people are supposed to behave; with civility and politeness."

Later, as I was getting ready to go home, I had to make a left hand turn past three lanes of heavy traffic. It was quite busy, and I'm sure people were trying to get home. As traffic commenced moving once the light changed, all three drivers across the three lanes I had to cross stopped to let me pass. Any one of the drivers could have just as easily moved with the flow of traffic as was their prerogative, but all three stopped in unison to let me through, and I signaled my thanks to them, and I again thought, "This is how people should behave."

In both the Salt Lake area and Las Vegas, where I drive frequently, I find an abundance of rude, inconsiderate, self-centered drivers. It was so nice today to encounter people who weren't. I wish everyone could be as kind and thoughtful as these people were in all dealings in life. It was really nice to see. Such a small thing, but I was greatly affected by it.

Just as a side note: the director of the show I am currently rehearsing gave me a thumbs up after one of my scenes and said only two words: "[Cody], perfection!" It made me feel good. All in all, it's been a very pleasant day.

Facelift

I haven't really changed the look of my blog in the almost five years it's been around. Today seemed like as good a day as any to introduce a slightly different look. Hope you like it. And if not...

...well, it's my blog, so tough!

;-)

My Case For Full-Body Scans

There's been a bit of talk lately about personal rights being infringed upon because of full-body scans and pat-downs at the airport. Frankly, if I can avoid a pat-down by going through the full-body scanner, more power to me, I say. If a TSA agent wants to get his or her jollies by looking at a digital image of my nude body, more power to them (although I somewhat pity the person who thinks that my flabby, pasty body would be much of a turn-on (no offense, Jonah!)). Whatever gets me through security the fastest.

Frankly, I've always thought that the safety precautions at the airport since 9/11 were far too reactionary and really have created more of a facade of safety than actual safety. Somebody uses a box cutter to facilitate an attack? Now practically every sharp implement is forbidden. Somebody brings a shoe bomb on a plane? Now everybody has to remove their shoes. Somebody brings harmful liquid on a plane? Now we have to put liquids in small containers in a see-through bag. But are we really safe or is it just an illusion? My thinking is if a terrorist wants to cause some damage, he or she will find a way to do it regardless of all these regulations (I love the sign at the Las Vegas airport that has a cartoon bomb with "x" over it (as if somebody who brings a bomb aboard does it absent-mindedly; "Oh, yeah. I forgot I had that bomb in my pocket! Good thing that sign reminded me.")) And the next time a terrorist does find a way to perpetuate an attack, a new regulation will be made based on whatever they did. He or she chokes a stewardess to death with his or her shoelaces? Laces and twine will be banned. Maybe belts, too. Or possibly the removable straps on your luggage. What if the terrorist fills his 3.4 oz. bottle of shampoo with some harmful liquid? We'll have to carry our shampoo in thimble-sized bottles and have to provide a sample of the shampoo so the TSA authorities will know it's what we say it is.

I'm half-joking (emphasis on half), of course, but my point is so many of these rules don't really make us any more or less safe; they just give us the illusion of safety, and that makes people feel safer. Not me. Frankly, I feel more inconvenienced than safe, but it is what it is, and if these regulations do lower the percentage of terrorist threats, then good for us.

I'm all for whatever gets me through security the fastest. I can tell I fly more often than some people. I put everything from my pockets in my carry-on long before I even get to the security checkpoint. I have my license and boarding pass out ready to go. My shoes and belt are off as soon as I get one of those trays to put them in. My liquids are regulation-sized and in their plastic baggie for all to see. Everything goes in that tray, and I go through that body scanner. Gander at my junk if you must; just get me through!

I see these poor people who don't fly very often, and I feel particularly sorry for older people who seem disoriented by the whole experience. While they're futzing with their shoes or being told they can't bring their knitting needles on board or wondering why they can't bring their jumbo container of conditioner, I'm long gone. So scan me if you must, TSA. Ogle my privates. I don't care one iota. Just get me through your ridiculous security obstacle course as quickly as possible. I've got a plane to catch!

I Wish I Knew How To Quit You (But Not Really)

About a month ago I read a post on this blog, which I commented on. Read it. I'll wait.

To be honest, I had forgotten all about it until the blogger's friend Brenda (referred to in the post) sent me an email asking if she could be my Facebook friend. Because my identity on this blog and my real identity (the one I use on Facebook) are not the same and because I do not really know Brenda, I am declining that request for the time being, but may change my mind later.

Anyway, in reviewing the original post and my comment, I noticed the other party referred to in the post (James; real name: Jeffrey, apparently) had responded after my comment.

If you just read the original post and its comments, you see that Jeffrey (bonevoce) has said, "The questions[sic] remains how can one...sustain and give tithe[sic] to leaders who say their child is 'unnatrual',[sic] say that homosexuality is a choice, can be changed AND at the same time completely support their gay child or loved one? They can't. 'I love you, but you're an abomination?' Come on.

"...Brenda isn't saving gay youth by sustaing[sic] her leaders only perpetuating hate and misinformation..."

As I said in my comment, I think Jeffrey has a bit of a chip on his shoulder, and he probably has due cause to feel that way, but I think his question also has validity, and it's a question that troubles me.

Anybody who reads my blog knows that in spite of the fact that I'm not even a member of the LDS Church anymore (on record, at least) that I still hold a great deal of love and yes, even loyalty, to said church. In spite of the fact that in some areas of my life I'm living in a way that is contrary to church teachings, and in spite of the fact that I have some disagreements over how the LDS Church has handled the issue of homosexuality, I have still come to the defense of the LDS Church on many occasions.

I probably have just cause to feel the way Jeffrey does; that someone who sustains church leaders or pays tithes to the LDS Church are not fully supporting their gay friends or family members. But I don't.

Look, do I think Church leaders have always handled the issue of homosexuality in the best or most informed way? Certainly not. Do I think words have been said in church meetings or over the pulpit that have caused great damage to those whose lives this issue affects? Most definitely. But do I think my mom or my siblings or in-laws do not support me and Jonah because they choose to glean to a religion they believe in?; do I think I am an enemy of the gay-rights crowd because I still hold firmly to many of the tenets of a faith that has shaped many of my best qualities and which has and still continues to give me instruction and a spiritual connection to my Heavenly Father? I don't. Sorry if that bothers some people, and believe me, I understand why it might. But I don't swing that way.

Does Mormonism have its problems and faults? I think it would be naive to say that it doesn't. I think it would be naive to believe any religion doesn't have problems or challenges that accompany it. My relationship with Jonah gives me great, great happiness and joy. Being out of the closet and being in this relationship have made me happy beyond anything I ever once thought possible. But there are also aspects of Mormonism that give me a great satisfaction, joy, and insight. Yes, the excommunicated member is testifying about the good Mormonism has brought to my life and the lives of others.

My family has been nothing but supportive of me, my coming out, and my relationship with Jonah. They treat Jonah as they do any of my in-laws. I feel no judgment or distaste from any of them regarding any of the choices I have made in reference to my sexuality. They know I am happy, and they are happy I am happy. I know there are many gay people whose families have not been so kind or loving or accepting, but mine has been.

They respect my free agency. They respect who I am. Likewise, I respect who they are and what they choose. Mormonism brings many of my family members great joy. I do not for one moment feel that their religious convictions diminish me in any way. I don't feel that my holding on to my Mormon roots is somehow a betrayal of my gay brothers and sisters.

So the troubling question is, are those who support or sustain leaders that teach things that may cause damage to those who deal with homosexuality in their own lives or in the lives of loved ones, somehow complicit in hurting our "gay youth," as Jeffrey says. Are they complicit in the spreading of "hate and misinformation?"

The fact of the matter is, I think there are members of the church and even leaders of the church who are troubled by this issue. I don't think this issue has always been handled well, but I believe in the innate goodness of people, including church leaders. Have there been missteps? Yes. Has there been ignorance and misinformation among both leaders and members? Yes. Will the LDS Church ever change its position on homosexuality? I honestly don't know. Does the church and many of its members still have much progress to make as far as the issue of homosexuality is concerned? Definitely. Is Jeffrey absolutely justified in feeling the ways he feels? Probably so. But I don't believe these men are evil or hateful nor do I think those that choose to follow them are malicious or evil. We're all human, and we're all searching for that which makes us happy. I can't deny anyone's right to pursue happiness however they see fit. I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me.

I just can't subscribe to the fact that if my family members (or even myself) still find value in Mormonism that we're somehow responsible for the deaths and destruction of our gay youth. I was one of those youths once. If anyone has a reason to be bitter and angry at the LDS Church or feel justified in abandoning it, I could very well be on the list. But I'm not. I'm just not. Mormonism has given me much and has given my family much, and still does. It may seem like the LDS Church has turned its back on its gay members, and perhaps in many cases it has; but I cannot turn my back on it.

Back To Rome

In ancient Roman times, so the story goes, Roman generals and emperors who had won victories over Rome's enemies would be given what was called triumphus, which was basically a ceremonial procession celebrating the victorious general or emperor. This was a big deal and something only the Senate could grant, as I understand it.

On the day of his triumphus, the victor would dress up all fancy and ride through the streets of Rome in a chariot (probably slave-driven), and people would cheer for him and shower him with flowers. Captured prisoners from the other side would also march in the procession in chains, and just for fun, a captured general from the other side might be strangled to death. Sometimes a monument would also be erected in honor of the victor. There was also usually a massive feast and, basically, a huge party.

What I find interesting, though, is that there might have been the temptation for these processions to be used by the victor as self-promotional events or as a way of causing the victor to get a big head. To help prevent this, certain precautions were taken.

The man being honored was expected to conduct himself with the utmost dignity and humility and remember that his triumph was on behalf of his people, Rome, and the gods. He was also given a wreath which he offered in a temple to the gods as a symbol of the fact that he wasn't aspiring to be king of Rome.

My favorite thing, however (which may or may not be true) was that during the procession there was a slave whose job it was to whisper in the victor's ear things that would remind him of his mortality or remind him to remain humble. The specific words may have been something like "Look behind you, remember you are only a man,' or "Remember that you are mortal," or "all glory is fleeting," or something along those lines.

Imagine having this huge, massive celebration because of important things you did and having some guy all day whispering in your ear that it will all go away, that you're just a man, that you'd better stay humble. I was thinking some of our leaders or celebrities today could use that. Heck, I think we all could. Just some guy whispering in our ears that we need to remember how we got where we are and who we did it for and that it's not about us at all and that everything we have worked so hard for could just as easily be gone tomorrow.

I suppose the Holy Ghost serves that purpose. Too bad so many people, including myself at times, tune Him out.

A Nice Reminder

Today in testimony meeting, a brother I have written about before stood up to bear his testimony. As I've said in previous posts, my history with this guy hasn't always been positive. I think he's a genuinely well-intentioned man, and he does a lot of good for many people, but he has also been guilty of making racist, homophobic, and chauvinistic remarks in the past, and he can be somewhat of a busybody, so he has rubbed me the wrong way at times. That being said, he's one of the hardest-working people I know; he is far more service-oriented than I am, and has often helped neighbors in our area (including my mother); he is very devoted to his ailing wife; and he has a strong testimony of Jesus Christ and ardently tries in his own, sometimes ineffectual way, to draw others closer to Christ. I think in some ways he is a product of an older generation and, frankly, I think he is often ignorant that some of the old-fashioned, and sometimes just plain wrong, ideas he has may be hurtful to others. This man is a very "letter-of-the-law" kind of personality and very often, I feel he misses the forest for the trees. But I do not think he is a bad man. He can sometimes be misguided, frustrating, and hypocritical, but I do not think he comes from a place of hate at all. Ignorance, yes; but not hate.

He actually called me specifically last Sunday to tell me how much he enjoyed my song and what a beautiful voice he thought I had. I thought that was kind of him.

I admit that there are times when I see him when I feel frustration and annoyance towards him. Today as he got up to bear his testimony, my first thought was "Oh, what stupid thing is he going to say now?" Instead, he got up and related a very simple story about how when he was 13 years old, he had lost a $100 bill that his father had given him to purchase supplies for their farm. $100 now is a good amount of money. Back then (this probably would have been the late 30s), it was an enormous amount. Of course, upon discovering that he had lost the money, he was devastated. He quietly retreated to a nearby ditch (he had been mowing his family's alfalfa fields) and prayed to his Father in Heaven to help him find the money. As he continued mowing, he noticed the bill had somehow become attached to the wheel and was rotating with the wheel, but was otherwise in undamaged condition. He said this experience had shaped his faith in his Heavenly Father, and as I watched him relaying this experience (and reliving it), I didn't see this man I always see; I saw a little, helpless boy, and I actually felt a feeling of great pity and compassion for him.

This man has been in my mom's ward for 32 years, and I have known him since I was seven years old. Even though I know he has a strong testimony of the gospel, and even though he is quite outspoken in Sunday School classes or Priesthood meetings, this was the first time in a while that I remember him bearing his testimony in Sacrament Meeting.

He is quite old now, and the years are showing. He was in a very serious plane crash before he moved into our ward in the late 70s and as long as I have known him he has had a speech impediment and a considerable limp (both results of the crash). I know he served as a bishop prior to joining my mom's ward and has served in many callings in my mom's ward. When he was younger, he shared his opinions quite often. He still does, but his comments often seem irrelevant, and I feel teachers are pretty much humoring him and that his comments are glossed over in order to get to the "real point" of the lesson. I think when he raises his hand to say something, people just know that he's going to say one of his "isms," and they think, "Well, there goes Brother so-and-so again." In a way, he's become kind of irrelevant (I don't even mean as an individual, but as force in the ward unit). He's just an old man; a dying breed; kind of a windbag that people tolerate.

When I say this, too, I don't mean people in the ward have stopped caring about him or loving him or that they don't respect what he may have gone through in life. I just mean that what he has to say seems less important than it did when he was younger and had more of an active role in the ward. At least, that's my impression. I could be wrong. Perhaps I'm simply projecting my own attitudes towards him on to how I think others feel about him.

I say this not to be mean, but because as I watched him at the podium today, I just felt pity for him instead of the hard feelings I sometimes feel. I felt compassion instead of annoyance. I saw him as a man who has spent his whole life serving God the best way he knew how, in spite of any flaws, weaknesses, or imperfections he may have. In a way, he looked tired and old, but as someone who had endured much in life and had done the best he could with what he had. And I thought, "That could easily be how I describe myself when I am his age." Brother so-and-so isn't a perfect man by any means. He sometimes drives me crazy and sometimes frustrates me to no end. He has even made me mad. But he is a child of God, just like me, with his own character flaws, just like me, and I do believe he has done many good things in his life and has tried to live a good life and bless others' lives even if sometimes his methods and style are more of a hindrance than a help to him. I suppose I could sometimes say that about myself. We may be opposed quite diametrically politically and philosophically, but when it comes down to it, are we really all that different in other ways?

I guess all I'm saying is that as he hobbled off the stand, I saw him in a new, and much more compassionate light. Something in me felt he has not very many years left in this earthly realm.

These positive feelings were further brought home when the last sister to give her testimony specifically brought this Brother up as someone who had helped her a great deal. This sister and her husband used to live next door to my mom. Then the husband cheated on her and left her and their kids for another woman. This sister has moved three times since then (all within our ward boundaries), and I know it has been a very rough road for her at times. But she expressed how much she loved this ward and how helpful many people have been to her during these trials, and she specifically mentioned this Brother by name, and I thought, "She doesn't find him irrelevant. She doesn't see him in the way that I sometimes see him, or if she does, it doesn't matter because he has helped her in other, very valuable ways.

I guess my whole point of this post was it was just nice that the Spirit helped me see this Brother in a more compassionate and Christ-like manner. I appreciate Heavenly Father helping me see him in a different light. It was nice to be reminded.

When Life Gives You Lemons...

This made me laugh today.

Being A Part

I sang in church yesterday. It went very well. I'm very picky about what I sing in church. I like to sing things that are unique and that speak to my heart. I also prefer to stay away from schmaltzy contemporary LDS pop. I went to the local music store and spent a good hour and a half trying to find a decent song. This, I thought, would be an easy task, but nothing was resonating with me.

I finally found an interesting book of uniquely arranged hymns. I initially chose it because it contained an arrangement of one of my favorite hymns, "Our Savior's Love." I played through it and liked it, but wasn't sure it was the right choice. The book came with a CD, so I listened to all the songs and found a few I liked. There was a very interesting version of "If You Could Hie to Kolob," a song which I don't think is sung nearly enough in church wards; a very odd, but strangely beautiful arrangement of "I Know That My Redeemer Lives"; a somewhat mournful, but nice arrangement of a song I wasn't familiar with called "Eternal Day"; and an absolutely gorgeous arrangement of a hymn I'm not very fond of called "Guide Me to Thee."

As I was contemplating with of these four I would sing, I was weighing some pros and cons. Eventually I decided that "Eternal Day" sounded a bit sad and almost funereal for a Sacrament Meeting. It was also the most challenging for me to sing. "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" contained a very simple and relevant message and was centered in Christ, which is what Sacrament Meeting ought to be about, but the arrangement seemed off-putting on some level. I liked it a lot and would probably be apt to sing it on another occasion, but it just seemed wrong for this particular meeting for some reason. "If You Could Hie to Kolob" was awesome and different and would certainly wake people up, but something also seemed a little avant garde about it, and I wasn't sure it was right, either (although it ended up being in very close competition with the song I eventually chose, "Guide Me to Thee."

"Guide Me to Thee" was, by far, my favorite of the four songs I considered. The arrangement is absolutely beautiful; almost haunting. I really loved the melody, which is odd since I don't particularly care for the original hymn it is based on. The lyrics were also troublesome to me. On one level, they are kind of depressing and a bit of a downer, especially in this particular arrangement. Here are the lyrics:

Jesus, my Savior true, Guide me to thee.
Help me thy will to do. Guide me to thee.
E'en in the darkest night
As in the morning bright,
Be thou my beacon light. Guide me to thee.

Through this dark world of strife, Guide me to thee.
Teach me a better life. Guide me to thee.
Let thy redeeming pow'r
Be with me ev'ry hour.
Be thou my safety tow'r. Guide me to thee.

When strife and sin arise,
When tears bedim my eyes,
When hopes are crushed and dead,
When earthly joys are fled,
Thy glory round me shed. Guide me to thee.


When silent death draws near, Guide me to thee.
Calm thou my trembling fear. Guide me to thee.
Let me thy mercy prove.
Let thy enduring love
Guide me to heav'n above. Guide me to thee.

I don't know, somehow all this talk about a "dark world of strife" and "strife and sin" and crushed, dead hopes and lack of "earthly joys" and "silent death" creeping up on you seemed a bit depressing and pessimistic and funereal. By nature, I am an optimist, and this song doesn't really speak of that to me even if the underlying message of Jesus guiding one through everything and granting his mercy and eternal love is a positive one.

Part of me just felt this wasn't the right song for me, an excommunicated member, to sing. I am very happy with my life and feel much joy and peace, and this song (and this specific arrangement) doesn't really reflect that, and for my first post-excommunication "performance," I kind of wanted something that reflected what I am feeling in my current life. Yet I am a sucker for a beautifully haunting and discordant melody, which this was. I also loved its simplicity and the underlying message of always following the Savior no matter what life throws at you.

After a lot of praying (and discussing it with my pianist and family members), this felt like the right song to sing. I tend to get emotional when I sing in church, and this song certainly could get me emotional. But I did not want to be emotional or cry during this song. I did very well. Just a hint of breaking down towards the end, but I kept it together.

It was a beautiful piece, and I thought it went really well. I also was pleased that I could "bear my testimony" of the Savior in Sacrament Meeting through song, and it was nice to feel more a part of the ward. I received a lot of compliments from various ward members afterward, and my bishop seemed very grateful for what the music added to the meeting. I don't say that in a boastful way, honest. I was just pleased to feel like I was contributing to the meeting and that hopefully I was able to help others feel the Spirit.

I still like going to church, but it can be frustrating at times to not be able to contribute as much as I wish I could. I loved giving talks, for example. I enjoyed teaching. I enjoyed commenting during lessons (and there are times when I'm dying to say something that I feel will be useful or of import, but I can't). I still read scriptures out loud (which I enjoy) and, of course, sing, and that at least makes me feel like I'm still a part of the ward family. And I enjoy my relationships with many of the people in my mom's ward (the ward I grew up in), so I still feel a part of things in that way as well. But I admit there are times when it is hard to be "left out." I also recognize that as far as the policies and rules that govern the church are concerned, I am "left out" based on my own actions. I get that there are consequences, and I am willing to accept those, and for the most part, I am fine when it comes to my limited participation in church. It just felt nice to be more a part of things today.

In the near future, I may be involved in something that may "out" me to many people in my ward and in my local community. I do not wish to reveal more at this time, but it is something that will cause my sexual orientation to be known to a wider audience. I am a private person by nature, and I know that putting myself out there is a risk of sorts. Yet I have prayed a lot about it, and if done right, I feel it can be a positive thing and maybe shed light or a new perspective on something that needs it. It feels like the right thing to do and the right time to do it. I am not scared or ashamed. I feel it will be a good thing. I will write more about this later, I'm sure, but that's all I wish to say about it now. I just hope when my fellow ward members know more about who I really am that they will react positively. I guess we'll see.