Mistakes

I just wanted all of those of you who are glued to the happenings of my life and who read my blog with great anticipation (yeah, right!) that I have not dropped off the face of the earth. I just haven't had time to write. It's been an enormously busy week. My show just opened and my mom was in town, and it's approaching finals week here at school, so I just don't have time to write (and, really, nothing of great significance to write about).

My show has been very stressful as far as rehearsals go. It's been a fun show to work on, but is very technical (if one thing goes wrong, it's like a domino effect). The other night I forgot to switch on and off some lights, which affects a light cue, and so many things went wrong that night. Our director, who works both on and off-Broadway and all over the country, yelled at us and said we were better than that and that we couldn't let the show get out of our control because of stupid mistakes. He was right, but it was nerve-wracking. And because I am a perfectionist by nature, I felt bad that I had disappointed our director after such a good run the night before. Anyway, it's been a tough show.

However, we opened last night to great enthusiasm and applause, and even though there were mistakes made, I was very pleased. We have a mantra in our show, "The suck stops here," and although we know mistakes happen, we have resolved to do our best to make sure they don't, and if they do, we do what my director suggested in an ananolgy: "If you go through a red light in this play, don't stop. Yeah, you went through the red light and broke the law, but it's already done. Just keep going and don't dwell on it or let it affect the rest of the show."

We had a really nice opening night party last night. I hadn't seen Jonah in nearly a week because of our schedules, so it was great to see him. He'd had a really hard day at work. Things are stressful there. But I think being with each other lightened his mood. He and my mom hung out a bit, too, so that was nice.

People said really nice things about my performance, which really made me feel good. By all accounts I heard, people really seemed to enjoy the show.

Well, I've got some homework to do (which I'm obviously putting off :-) ) and a bunch of stuff to do today. I just wanted you to know that I'm still around and still posting when I can. I've been meaning to add comments to other bloggers' post, but haven't found time to do that either.

Can Life Be Guilt-Free?

Last night Jonah came over and we lay in bed together. It was just really nice to be with him and hold him and cuddle. We also made out for the first time, which was fun and exciting (sometimes too exciting; we had to cool it for a bit). Jonah, ironically, was the one who seemed worried that my roommates would come home and hear us. He wasn't worried for his sake, but for mine because he knows they don't know about us (although they'd have to be complete fools if they didn't suspect, and I know neither of my roommates are fools). One of them did come home, but I think he was in such a rush that he didn't take notice or hear us. But the thing was, I wasn't concerned about it. I didn't care if anyone knew.

So here's the thing: when Jonah and I were together last night and kissing and cuddling and hugging and holding and making out, I didn't feel guilty about it. I even said to him, "This feels so good and right." But after he left and all day today, I've really felt uneasy about it, and I hate that I feel that way. I love this relationship, and there is so much good about it that it bothers me that I feel guilty. And I'm like, "Okay, do I feel guilty because this is wrong and I'm trying to convince myself that it isn't; or do I feel guilty simply because my religious beliefs have so conditioned me that it's wrong that I'm not used to allowing myself to do things previously forbidden; and if that's the case, will it pass over time?" I just wish things didn't have to be so complicated. I wish I could just love the guy I love without all this emotional baggage. Because no matter what, I do feel what I feel. I do feel great love for Jonah, but I also am feeling guilt today, whether it's justified or not. And, you know, I once felt guilty about masturbating and even just lightly kissing Jonah, but I don't feel that way about those things, so maybe it's just a matter of getting used to giving myself permission to do things I've never allowed myself to do.

I just dislike feeling this way, especially because I love Jonah so much. It's not fair that I'm burdened with guilt, especially if its needless. But it also isn't fair, if these feelings are indeed wrong and not to be acted upon, that I feel what I do and seem to have little control over it. I just wish I could have a normal relationship. I'm sure none of you understand what I'm talking about. ;-)

Anyway, maybe it's just a matter of time. I know Jonah is concerned because he doesn't like me to feel angst. But, unfortunately, it happens to be what I'm feeling at this particular moment in time.

New Perspectives

I had a really nice date with Jonah last night. I just love him so much. I love spending time with him and talking with him and being with him. He really does make me very happy, and he seems to feel the same way about me. I am now comfortable kissing him, and I feel like when we are out together I'm not as self-conscious as I once was about whether people think we are a couple. I know many people in the theatre department where I go to school suspect we are a couple, and I'm fine with that. I see no need to make it everybody's business, but I don't mind that people know or suspect.

What has made me really happy is that I don't feel guilt about our relationship. You know, so long I have been taught that this kind of relationship was wrong that when we initially started kissing or holding hands, it made me uncomfortable because I've been conditioned that it's wrong to express love for another man in that way. But I don't feel that now. And I'm glad. Because I love Jonah, and as I told him last night after we kissed goodbye, he makes me feel all tingly inside, and I haven't felt that way about anybody in years. And it really isn't just a physical thing. I love who he is and how he makes me feel, and I feel good about loving somebody more than I love myself (which is how it was for a long time in my life (family excluded)) and how Jonah's presence in my life makes me want to be a better person.

We actually talk about our relationship in terms of long-term. We've talked about marriage and household duties and finances, etc., and it's weird, but also exciting, to think of ourselves in that way. Jonah's very domestic (likes to cook, iron, etc.) and he said something that made me laugh. He said, "See, I'd make an ideal Mormon wife."

Our families are adjusting as well as they can, I suppose. I don't think anybody's wild about it, but I at least feel some support. I'm just glad my mom likes Jonah. It's good when your mom likes your boyfriend. I'm still not necessarily comfortable talking to her about my relationship with Jonah in intimate terms, but she does realize he's bringing me a lot of happiness, and I think she's happy for me. I think, at heart, she wishes this wasn't my path, but she's adjusting.

I went to church today with the prayer in my heart that nothing that was said today would make me feel guilty about my relationship with Jonah, and that prayer was answered. I pondered whether I was worthy to take the sacrament because I don't know that I've done anything wrong. If Jonah and I were having sex or being overly intimate, that certainly would be cause for me to abstain from taking the sacrament in my church, but we've only kissed a few times, which I haven't felt guilty about. I asked Heavenly Father whether I was worthy or not and just to give me a simple answer of "yes" or "no," and I felt the answer was "yes," it was okay for me to take the sacrament.

It was interesting. My bishop asked me how things were, and I was honestly able to answer that they were good because I feel that way. I feel at peace with my relationship with Jonah, and I certainly feel happy, so things are good. I guess as far as my standing in the church they might not be so good, but I haven't felt weighed down by that thought.

We watched a video in Sunday School about the life of the Savior, and many thoughts ran through my head about how loving and merciful the Lord is. Here was a man who hung out with publicans and sinners, wasn't afraid to touch lepers, healed those who were both physically and spiritually blind, was merciful and loving towards the woman taken in adultery, healed the soldier who was in the act of arresting him, and even said of his perpetrators as he was being crucified, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do." It just reminded me very strongly, that whether or not I am right or wrong about this relationship, my Savior loves me and is merciful and forgiving.

This relationship feels right to me, which is confusing because it doesn't correspond with what I have been taught and believed all my life. And, as I've stated before, I still believe my religion is true, but I believe somehow God has another plan for me and that things are going to be okay. It may not make sense now, but it will. And I feel I can look at my Father and tell him I did my best to live the best life I could.

I think Jonah and I are both good people, and I think we have a lot to offer each other, and I feel we as a union have a lot to offer those around us, and I feel God will take all of that into account. As long as I feel at peace with all this, that's what counts.

I just know I've tried my very best to live my life a certain way most of life, and it just hasn't worked. I gave it my best shot, and that's all I can do. This relationship feels like a blessing and a good thing, and if "wickedness never was happiness," then I don't see how this can be wicked because I feel very happy right now. In some ways I feel more free and less guilty than I did when I was trying to do all the "right" things, and in some ways I feel like I'm getting a new point-of-view about the gospel that I've not had before which is making me appreciate God's love and mercy even more.

Things are still scary and awkward at times because I have lived my life in a certain way for so long, and I'm finally giving myself permission to make other choices, but the benefits right now seem to outweigh anything else.

Out and About

Good day today.

Today in one of my acting classes, my acting teacher (who is gay) was talking about a character one of my fellow students is working on, a very stereotypical queen. In his speech, this gay queen says some very nasty things, and my teacher (who can be quite nasty in his comments himself) was theorizing that one of the reasons gay queens are so bluntly honest is that they spent so many years hiding who they really were before they came out that they are overly truthful afterwards, especially with other gay people. Whether this theory is true or not I don't care to speculate on, but it got me to thinking, "How long do I want to spend my life hiding behind this façade that doesn't really seem to be who I am inside?" Don't get me wrong. I have no regrets that I haven't come out prior to this relatively late age of 35 (well, technically, I did come out very briefly in 1990, but only for a few months and only to a few people). I mean, if I'd come out earlier in life I probably never would have met Jonah, and that would be a tragedy indeed. I'm also very grateful that I've had the life experiences I've had prior to this point in my life now. But, as I've insinuated in previous blog entries, maybe it's time to start a new chapter in my life; a chapter where I allow myself to love who I want to love, where I don't live with so much guilt for having the feelings I have, and where I can really be free to express who I am.

HawaiiDave's most recent post says, in part, "growing older doesn't bother me. I mention it as a wake-up call to struggling gays who keep putting off embracing their homosexuality. The longer you remain in 'struggling' mode, the shorter the time you'll have to enjoy life as a happy, content gay person. The years zip by, believe me. Life will pass you by.

So come out, already! Or at least take the next step, however small."

I mean, I'm 35 already, and time is already going by very quickly. I mean, maybe he has a point. And truth be told, I feel a lot more free in some ways lately than I've felt in a long time. I have somebody I love who loves me, and it's a blessing.

Today my friend, who I referred to in my last post, asked me again what's been going on with me. After fishing for a bit, he was able to guess what was up. He was very happy for me that I've found someone that I'm in love with, but also realized that I face some pretty big, life-altering choices. It was really good to talk to him. He said he was a little surprised, but not shocked by my revelation. He gave me a good piece of advice, which was, "I guess in the end you just have to follow your heart."

The fact that I told him my "secret," which is becoming less of a secret day by day, indicates to me that I'm getting ready to step out of the closet again, and this time for good, I would imagine. You know, I remember the first time I ever told somebody I thought I was gay and how hard it was and how guilty I felt and how full of self-loathing I was. And when I compare it to this, I think how okay with it I feel and how painless and easy it seems to be lately. That doesn't mean I don't realize it's not always going to be an easy road or that everyone I care about is going to necessarily be okay with it. But I'm not ashamed of it, and I get more comfortable with the idea of living my life in this manner the more people I tell.

Anyway, it's been a good day.

Sharing the Love

I actually have a night free (wonder of wonders). I don't have much to say, but I thought I'd write a couple of thoughts.

Jonah and I went to dinner and a play the other night. I had woken up that morning thinking that I would probably kiss him that night. Technically, I had already kissed him, but it was a rather clumsy, awkward kiss which you can read about in my post, The Happiest Place on Earth. Anyway, we had a very lovely evening together, and sure enough I kissed him on the lips, and he kissed me back (after accidentally poking me in the eye). We also got a bite to eat on Sunday and kissed each other goodbye. What's interesting is I didn't feel guilty, which is new, so that's nice.

It's interesting how mutual friends expect to see the two of us together since we hang out so much. Jonah was concerned that I would be uncomfortable with that, but I'm not really. I don't know if I'm ready to shout about our relationship from the rooftops, but I figure a lot of people probably suspect we're involved, and that's fine.

I'm not embarrassed or ashamed about my relationship with Jonah, and there is, indeed, a part of me that is so happy with him that I really would like to share it with others. But the other part of me is still dealing with the fact that this relationship isn't in accordance with my religious beliefs. I shouldn't care what others think, but I have been such a "model of Mormonism" (and I don't mean that in a boastful way) that I'm worried that when I tell others who see me in that light, it will reflect badly on the Church. I know that must sound odd. I don't care about how it reflects on me so much, but I don't want my decisions to cause others to view my religion in a negative light. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone, but it does to me.

A friend asked me today what I've been doing with my free time, and I kind of gave him a giddy smile (because I spend my free time with Jonah), and he wanted to know details, and I just didn't feel ready to share that information yet. I just don't want to become a subject of gossip (and, believe you me, it's easy to become that in the theatre department). I don't want people talking to each other behind my back about me and my personal life or speculating about whether the good Mormon boy is abandoning his faith for a homosexual relationship. I'm sure I will tell my friends here eventually (because I am pleased with my relationship with Jonah and wouldn't mind sharing that happiness with others), but I'm not ready to deal with any fallout yet. I'm actually pretty sure most of my friends will be fine with it. I just want to hold off until I'm sure of what I'm doing.

And I certainly realize my sexuality and personal life are nobody's business but my own anyway, but sometimes my circumstances feel complicated.

Jonah and I have had some good discussions lately. He's a great guy.

Perseverance

We had a guest speaker come to our school today and talk about how to make it in the business as a professional actor. One of the things he said a successful actor has is perseverance. He said that you have to give everything you have, and that if you have tried as hard as you can and you can't go any further and you haven't succeeded as an actor, you'll still know that you did the best you could and gave it your best shot. Otherwise, if you just strive for your goals in a haphazard way and fail, you'll always live with regret wondering if you would have succeeded if you had just tried harder. He said we only have one life, and we don't want to live with regrets.

I then thought about how this applies to my own situation. As far as my homosexual issues are concerned, I really feel like I could face my Father in Heaven and say that I gave it my best shot; that I tried as hard as I could, but that I just wasn't able to live the way my religion has asked me to. I've dedicated years of my life to doing what I've been taught to do, and it hasn't changed my feelings. I don't regret a moment of that. I'm very happy with the influence my religion has had on my life. Yet if I were to let Jonah go, I think I would regret that. I would wonder "what if..." for the rest of my life. I think I am coming to better terms that Jonah and I belong together and that it's okay. Maybe it's just time to start a new chapter in my life.

What I Want and Company

I took a little break from my musical theme, but now it's back. Today in one of my classes we talked about the musical, Company, by Stephen Sondheim (and if you don't know who Stephen Sondheim is, you can't be my friend anymore. I kid...but not really. ;-) ). Anyway, it's a musical about relationships and, largely, about one specific character's inability to commit.

There is one song called "Someone Is Waiting," which I quote in part (and have changed a few of the words to fit my situation):

Would I know [him] even if I met [him]?
Have I missed [him]? Did I let [him] go?

Wait for me, I'm ready now,
I'll find you if I can!

Did I know [him]? have I waited too long?
Maybe so, but maybe so has [he],

Wait for me,
I'll hurry, wait for me.
Hurry.
Wait for me.
Hurry.
Wait for me.

It got me to thinking. I remember after my ex-fiancée told me she didn't want to marry me, I was devastated, and I thought I would never find anybody I loved as much again. And I was scarred for years. As far as dating went, I became very picky and always seemed only able to find things about a person that I didn't think I could live with. And after a while of this, I thought, "Is she really out there at all? Or what if I've already met her and let her go because of some stupid, superficial reason? Or is it really a woman I'm looking for at all? Maybe I'd be better off with a guy." And I eventually reached a point in my life where I just didn't have any interest in anybody but myself. I wasn't attracted to anyone in a deep way that made me feel like this was a person I wanted to spend my lifetime (or eternity) with. And I reached a point where I decided I was fine being alone and was pretty well convinced I'd never have a serious relationship again.

Jonah is the first person I've dated in a long, long time that I really can envision being with and being happy with. I had some fairly successful relationships (with women) in the past, but this is, hands down, the best relationship I've been in.

And I was thinking in class today, "What do I really want? And how can I achieve it?" I want to please God. I want my family to be happy. I want to be happy. And I want to be with Jonah. Some of these seemingly contradict each other, but I still think I can be with Jonah and still have a good relationship with my Father in Heaven. My family won't be entirely happy, but I think they will be as supportive as they can be and, in time, maybe they will be okay with it. I'm pretty happy as it is, but Jonah makes me very happy. I love him very much.

I feel like I'm learning that maybe there is a different path for me in life than I had previously thought and that maybe that is okay. It doesn't always gel with what I've believed for a very long time, but I feel like I'm coming to better terms with it. I'm still a bit in limbo, as I'm sure others of you are, but I'm feeling good about things lately. I still think it's going to be an upward battle, but I'm feeling more peace every day.

Good Vibrations

Jonah and I had a really good talk tonight. We're both going through some tough times right now, but we really were able to talk a lot and get a lot of things out in the open. Jonah is a lot more open than I am, but I really felt like I was able to say exactly what I was feeling, and I really felt like we had some very good communication tonight. I still don't know what all the answers are, but I feel really good about our relationship. All I know is that I love Jonah, and he loves me, and that if it's wrong, it's wrong. But we're on really good ground, and I'm not going to feel guilty about it. We're two good, God-loving people, and we've really been able to share and grow with one another this past year. No matter what happens, I will always love Jonah and will always value his friendship. Our time together has neither been wrong nor wasted. I told Jonah that I've had serious relationships with women (three, in fact; two with whom I contemplated marriage), but that my relationship with him is, by far, the best and most fulfilling I've ever had.

There is a scripture in the Book of Mormon that says, "wickedness never was happiness," so I really don't understand how this relationship can be wrong because I am very happy in it. Jonah and I have done nothing more than hold hands, hug, and give each a few pecks on the cheek, but I don't feel guilty about it. We're still taking things slowly, but I get more comfortable every day with the idea that this could be something more than just friendship. It's still not easy all the time, but, gosh, do I love that guy!

We talked today about how organized religion often stresses guilt so much rather than forgiveness and mercy. God love all of us no matter what! I really believe that. And if this relationship turns out to be a mistake, then maybe so be it. I'm tired of feeling needless guilt, and I really think God has put Jonah and I together for a reason.

In a way, I feel more sorry for Jonah than I do myself. His religion says he's going to hell and his family, I think, will have a much harder time with it than mine will (although, rest assured, mine will have problems with it, too). If all that my religion teaches is true, I just won't get to go to the Celestial Kingdom, but I'll still get to go somewhere good. Of course, both of us feel strongly that God loves us, and that that will remain the same no matter what.

I talked to my mom yesterday. It was a good talk. Although still not crazy about the idea that Jonah and I could end up together, she really likes Jonah and just wants me to be happy. In an effort to even understand my dilemma, she went and saw Brokeback Mountain, which is not a film my mom would normally see. She saw it alone and swore me to secrecy that I wouldn't tell anybody else in the family. I did tell her that I didn't necessarily think Brokeback Mountain was the best film to see to really know what Jonah and I were dealing with. I actually have some issues with the film (though I think it's very well-done) which I won't go into now. But the fact that she went to see it on my behalf showed a lot of support for me, and I appreciate that. My mom loves me, and I love her, and I know nothing will change that. I'm so grateful to her for her love and support for me. Not all people have that.

Jonah was feeling bad the other night and actually called my mom (unbeknownst to me) to ask for her forgiveness for causing any turmoil in my life or hers. He needn't have done that (although he felt he needed to, and I respect that) because my mom holds no ill feelings towards him. She made that clear to him, but also talked about why this is a difficult situation. Anyway, it's interesting to know that my mom and my boyfriend respect each other. I'm grateful for that, too.

This is such an interesting relationship. Jonah is 30, I am 35. We're both virgins. We both have strong relationships with God and really are both trying to do what we feel is right. Neither of us smoke or drink, and we're not into clubbing or that kind of thing. We're actually two very ordinary people (we'd probably bore you if you met us). We have so much in common, and yet we also balance each other out. My strengths are Jonah's weaknesses, and vice-versa, I feel. We get along very well and have never had a fight or argument as of yet. I just feel there is so much good going for us.

We even talked tonight about having a relationship without the sex act, and that way I wouldn't really be breaking my covenants. I don't know how realistic that is, but it was worth thinking about. We both admitted we have hormones and sexual desires, but we also concurred that just the intimacy and friendship we share is really nice and that it might be worth considering. I'm not sure I could do it (eventually, I think I would want to make love to the man I love), but it was a thought.
In any case, I feel happy. I'm not 100% sure what I'm doing, but I feel every day I get closer. The one thing the Lord whispers to my heart is that everything is going to be okay, no matter what happens.

One last thing. I told a friend I was going through some struggles, and he said, "You just have to be you," and "I'll love you no matter what." It's quite possible he knows exactly what I'm dealing with, but I thought those were inspired comments to give. I'm still trying to figure out who the real me is. But it's nice to know no matter what I choose, God will love me. That can never change.

General Conference and Rent

I'm unintentionally continuing with my musical theme in my blogs, although it seems weird to have General Conference and the musical, Rent, in the same post.

I watched General Conference today and was quite inspired by several talks. Unfortunately, the message from Heavenly Father to me was pretty loud and clear: in spite of what I think I might want, the only true way to eternal happiness is to keep following the path I've been on; that is to say that I must stay true to my testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. As much as I try to rationalize things, the fact of the matter is that I do know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is God's true church on earth and in spite of whatever choices I make in this life, that truth will not change, and I will always know it in my heart.

Conference is supposed to be uplifting, and although in some ways I did feel uplifted and strengthened, I also felt sad because I love Jonah very much, and if I stay on the path I'm on, I know I will hurt him, and I certainly don't wish to do that.

One message that came through very strong for me was that although life's trials and temptations may seem impossible to surmount, God has promised me that they aren't and that I must stay strong and endure to the end. The other message was that I need to worry more about God's will for me rather than what I want myself.

I know that those of you who aren't members of the Mormon Church or who are disenfranchised from it may not understand or agree with that, and I respect that. But it is what my soul felt today. My soul was reminded of what I'm really here to do; that my eternal goals are more important than my temporal goals.

Now don't misunderstand me; that didn't mean I thought, "Oh, well, that's what I need to do, and so I'm going to do it." On the contrary, my thoughts were, "God, why does this have to be so hard? Why does this have to be so confusing? Why is this my trial in life? I don't know that I'm strong enough to do what you ask me to do. You keep telling me I am, and I'm trying to believe you, but sometimes I don't, and then I feel badly about that. But I know that you know my heart and that I am honestly trying to do what I feel you've asked me to do. Help me to want to do your will, and help me be assured of what that will is."

One thing that was said in Conference is that the battles will get harder, not easier. That certainly seems to be the case.

I just want to do what's right. You know? I'm told it will be worth it if I endure until the end. I have to believe it's so. But it's hard. I'm sure many of you understand what I'm talking about.

I feel like such a flip-flopper. One day I'm telling you something; the next day I'm saying the complete opposite. You must all think I'm wishy-washy. But I know what's embedded in my heart, and I can't seem to let it go or even rationalize that it's okay to do so.

Bottom line: like it or not, I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true. I always will. No matter what I decide to do in life, that truth is seared in my heart.

Which brings me to Rent. Jonah and I went to see it tonight. I was feeling crummy because I felt like I was going to have to tell Jonah that I didn't think I could be with him after all, and Jonah seemed down because he sensed it, too (I told you, Jonah is like that; it's like he is so in tune he already knows things. It's a little creepy sometimes (in a good way)).

Contrary to the show's lyrics, I don't believe there is "no day but today." I believe every choice we make has consequences, both in this life and the next.

Anyway, Jonah and I had quite a talk tonight. Again, no pressure from Jonah. He did make it clear he wants to be with me, but said he would understand and respect my choice if I choose otherwise. I said that I just didn't think I could give up what I know to be true. We had a really nice talk. He is such a loving and supportive person, and, most of all, a wonderful friend. Anyway, Jonah had been inspired that the two of us should pray together, and that what we should pray for most of all is that we have peace. And when Jonah is inspired to do something, I feel it's best to follow through. He prayed first, and I prayed second. The Spirit was quite strong, I felt.

So now I'm home. I just said a private prayer. Basically I said, "Heavenly Father, just tell me what to do. Whatever you want, I'll do it. You want me to leave Jonah, I'll do it. You want me to be with him, I'll do it. Just please tell me so I can do it, because I am so confused right now, and Jonah and I are feeling too much turmoil in our hearts because of this situation."

Still waiting on a solid answer. Whatever it is, I just hope I feel at peace with it.

Mistakes and Fiddler on the Roof

I seem to have a musical theme running through my blogs now.

I was in dance class today, and we had a guest instructor. He asked the question, “How many of you beat yourself up when you make mistakes?” I raised my hand high because I tend to do that, especially in dance class (I wouldn’t call dancing my forte). He said something I already knew, but it was nice to be reminded. He asked what happens when we make a mistake. What does it do? And one girl said, “It helps us know what we did wrong, thereby allowing us to figure out how to do it right,” and the instructor said, “Yes, exactly. So often we view mistakes as these terrible things. We view them as our enemy, when in fact they are our friends. By making mistakes, we realize how not to do something, which helps us better understand how to do it correctly (or more correctly) next time. So from this day forward, think of mistakes as your friends.” Again, something I know, but it’s always nice to have it reinforced.

I think we were put on this earth to make mistakes and learn from them. After all, if life is indeed a test, don’t we need to make mistakes? You can’t really test whether something works or not unless you are able to use trial and error. So for all of you out there who, like me, berate yourselves and punish yourselves for making mistakes (even if it’s the same mistake over and over again), calm down and allow mistakes to be made. It’s how we learn and grow.

Today in one of my classes we discussed the musical, Fiddler on the Roof. One of the women in the class was talking about the song, “Matchmaker, Matchmaker” and was saying how she really loved the song because it reminded her of her own search for love. She was pointing out several mutual friends in the class who had a significant other in their lives and how she was envious and was just hoping one day she would find her “Mr. Right.” And I thought to myself how fortunate I really am to have Jonah in my life. He really is just about everything I’ve been looking for in a significant other.

Then the woman talked about “Miracle of Miracles” and said that song touched her, too, because it reminded her that life really is a miracle and of all the miracles in her life that she is grateful for. And that reminded me what a miracle Jonah is in my life and blessed I am that he is a part of my life.

We listened to a song from another musical, Fiorello, called, “I’ll Marry the Very Next Man.” The song itself basically tells the story of a woman who just doesn’t want to be alone anymore, in spite of the cost. And I thought to myself, “I just don’t feel like being alone anymore, and I’ve found this great guy, so why do I need to be?”

Another point was brought up about Fiddler on the Roof where someone brought up the point that these people had to go through so many trials and talked about what good might have come after so much bad. What blessings and rewards come after so much misery and heartache? And I thought that even if taking my relationship with Jonah to a higher level turned out to be a mistake, I would still learn something valuable from that experience, and if it isn’t a mistake then I have a valuable, fulfilling relationship in my life, so don’t I still win either way?

Foxx wrote a nice thought-provoking comment (my favorite kind) to my last post. The basic gist, as I understood it, was that in order to figure out what's true for me, I have to be willing to give up what I think might be true and compare it with the new truth I'm testing in my life and see which one works better for me or makes me happier. Like he said, "saying it doesn't make it easier, but free thinking is all about making decisions for yourself based on your own experience and morality."

The LDS Church has provided me with a lot of joy, and I had the most life-changing, profound spiritual experience I have ever had, either before or since, back in 1991, which is even too personal to post on this anonymous blog. But it is the most real experience I've had in my life, and I was left with the knowledge that the LDS Church was true and that homosexuality was not the path I should follow. There is a cliche phrase used in our testimony meetings that says we know something is true "with every fiber of our being," and back in 1991 I really felt I was able to say that regarding my testimony of the LDS Church. It literally changed my life from night to day, and I have spent my life since then trying to live according to that knowledge. Now things don't seem so clear, but that doesn't mean I believe that truth has changed. There is a famous line from the play Inherit the Wind where one character asks another, "Why is it, my old friend, that you have moved so far away from me?" and the other character responds, "All motion is relative. Perhaps it is you who have moved away - by standing still." I sometimes wonder if it is me who has moved away from what is true or if I have failed to progress to new truths because I have stood still.

I remember a couple of years back a friend of mine, whose son had come out of the closet, and I were talking about my situation, and she suggested that maybe this revelation I had back in 1991 was true for where I was in my life at that time, but that it wasn't necessarily true for me now. At the time, I didn't agree, but I have wondered of late if that might not be the case.

I am extremely grateful for the knowledge I received back then. Had I not, I know my relationship with God would be very strained today, if even existent at all, and I would have made choices that would have taken me down a much more dangerous and unhappy path than the one I have been on. I also would very likely not have met Jonah at all and would certainly have a much different character than the one I have today. So it was good, and I in no way regret where that knowledge has led me.

And I even still believe the LDS Church is true. I really do. This experience I had would make it very difficult for me to feel otherwise. But I also feel like I'm learning that I belong in a certain place in God's plan and that maybe it isn't necessarily the place other members of my church assume I should be in.

There are no easy answers. I mean if I do indeed believe my church is true, then I have to believe that my prophet is an inspired man whom the Lord speaks through and that acting on my homosexual feelings is wrong and that following the precepts of my religion is the way to happiness. Of course, that involves an enormous amount of faith; faith which I'm not always sure I have enough in. I don't expect everyone to understand this, but I have to wonder if it's better to rely on my faith for a religion I've always tried to exercise faith in even if it means I don't get what I think I want right now. Still thinking about that one.

Shakespeare, Moliére, and La Cage aux Folles

Very interesting discussion over on GayMormon's blog. And when I say interesting, I really mean just very exhausting to read. I haven't even read half of what is being written in the comments area of his latest entry, nor do I intend to. I've just skimmed, and much of the debate seems very confrontational, and I'm not a big fan of confrontation. That doesn't mean I don't think each person writing isn't entitled to his or her opinion. I'm just not terribly interested in getting too involved.

I will say this, though: some of the comments I've read from a certain individual embarrass me as a member of the LDS Church. I just hope that people don't read his comments and feel that all members of my church express themselves in that way. That isn't even to say that he isn't a loving person or that he's a bad person because I don't think he is. I just think the tone and words he uses come off as very self-righteous, hypocritical, overly judgmental, and ignorant, which I don't think helps his argument at all and, frankly, I find it annoying. But perhaps if I knew him in real life, I would have a different opinion. And who am I to judge anyway? It's not like I have any room to talk. I'm not exactly living my life completely in accordance with my religious beliefs. Anyway, I'm trying to stay out of it.

One comment that I read from DCTwistedLife intrigued me enough to repost here. He said:

Not long ago, I had feelings that I would never 'fall' away from the church, because I would not let myself. I thought that the only thing that mattered was that when I died, I would have died 'clean'. But, I would have had no real experience of love or companionship. I convinced myself that I was okay with this. But then, someone came into my life and I found that my feelings towards him were pure, they were beautiful, and his were the same for me. To this day those feelings have not diminished. But I did not allow myself to pursue those feelings because of the conflict with my belief in the church. Today I sort of regret that, I might have experienced something so great. But indeed, I was not ready to make a leap. There is a time and a place for everything. There are so many decisions to be made. They are painful, but eventually they have to be made. And it is most important that you make them in honesty, and because they come from your heart.

I know where he is coming from, I think. I feel the same way. Only I'm now in the position he was in where I am trying to decide whether or not I want to pursue the feelings I have for my "someone." DCTwistedLife says he sort of regrets not pursuing those feelings, and I wonder if I will feel the same.

HawaiiDave wrote a comment on my blog the other day. He said:

Follow your heart! Don't worry about making family members or others uncomfortable in the process.

True love among two men is NOT wrong.

Jonah is a blessing!

He's certainly right about Jonah being a blessing. And I don't think true love between two men is wrong, but I haven't decided whether acting on that love in a sexual way is wrong or not. I find myself vacillating from day to day as to what action I will take. One day I'm telling myself I can't betray the covenants I've made within my religion, and that I won't feel peace in my heart if I do. The next day I'm saying, "Screw it. I've finally found someone I love that I want to be with." I just wish I could find peace in my heart. My heart isn't sure what's right yet.

I feel like Hamlet, the king of inaction. He spends nearly the whole play pondering what he should do. Speaking of Hamlet, I heard an interesting quote from that play (on Law and Order of all places!): "...there is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so." I haven't decided whether I believe that's true or not. Because in some respects, good and bad is only relative to what you're taught. I've been taught that homosexuality is a sin. Yet there are times when my heart wonders if that's really true or not.

Jonah and I had a talk the other night. I said I wanted to ease off on holding hands and calling each other "boyfriend" and such. On one hand, I felt bad because both of us are excited about this relationship and want to express it and it seems unfair to not do so. But on the other hand, my religion has taught me to be a certain way for so long that I feel guilty when I allow myself to do things I've never given myself permission to do. And whether or not that guilt is valid, it's what I sometimes feel, and I don't like that feeling. And I don't want to hurt Jonah by curbing our expressions of affection, but I feel a bit screwed up right now and am not entirely sure how to remedy it. Jonah feels bad because, of course, he doesn't enjoy seeing me in pain. And I know this is hard on him, too. Unfortunately, it's just one of those "one-day-at-a-time" sort of things. It's not necessarily fair or pleasant, but it is what it is. As it stands, I'm just really happy to have Jonah as my friend. And fortunately we get on very well together and there is no awkwardness between us because of this situation. It's a very supportive environment, and I feel we are able to be honest and have communication, which is important in any relationship.

Today in one of my classes we talked about Moliére. His plays were banned several times because he dared to introduce subjects that the church frowned upon. Of course, at that time the predominant religion was quite corrupt and hypocritical. In no way do I bring this up as a comparison to my own religion. I don't think that at all. In fact, I think there is so much good in my religion, which, of course, is why the decisions facing me are incredibly difficult. But why I bring up Moliére is this: I've always tried to be a free-thinker in life. Sometimes it's gotten me into trouble. But, quite frankly, I'd rather be an open-minded free-thinker who errs on the side of being over-tolerant than a narrow-minded, self-righteous, hypocrite. But I guess all of us are hypocrites sometimes. I've just never seen the world in blacks and whites. I live in shades of gray. I am not a "letter of the law" individual; I tend to go more with the spirit of the law. I am by no means a conformist. I am very much an individual who marches to the beat of his own drummer, and in fact am more likely to rebel if someone tells me I have to do something. Again, sometimes those qualities get me in trouble, but I think I am happier and more well-rounded because of them.

I close with the words to a song I like very much, "I Am What I Am" from La Cage aux Folles by Jerry Herman. It's a song that very much speaks to me.

I am what I am.
I am my own special creation...
So come take a look.
Give me the hook
Or the ovation.
It's my world
That I want to have a little pride in.
My world,
And it's not a place I have to hide in.
Life's not worth a damn
Till you can say, "Hey, world,
I am what I am."

I am what I am.
I don't want praise.
I don't want pity.
I bang my own drum.
Some think it's noise.
I think it's pretty.
And so what
If I love each feather and each spangle?
Why not
Try and see things from a different angle?
Your life is a sham
Till you can shout out loud,
"I am what I am!"

I am what I am,
And what I am
Needs no excuses.
I deal my own deck;
Sometimes the ace,
Sometimes the deuces.
There's one life,
And there's no return and no deposit.
One life,
So it's time to open up your closet.
Life's not a worth a damn
Till you can say, "Hey, world,
I am
What
I am.

Sometimes I think we get so locked into our own personal points of view (myself included) that we fail to see the other side of things, thereby depriving ourselves of some rich and illuminating experiences. I saw the movie Crash recently. It was a good reminder of what it's like to see things from many points of view. I really try to see many sides of a situation. I don't always succeed, but I do try.

Choices and Into the Woods

I wrote an email to my brother in response to his letter. This is what it said:

First of all, I want you to know I really do appreciate your honesty, your thoughts, counsel, and advice. I know it comes from a place of love and genuine concern for my spiritual well-being. And I know you are concerned that the choices I'm facing right now will have serious effects on my happiness and salvation.

Believe you me, I know my choices don't just affect me. I know the consequences of my choices will have repercussions on the lives of everyone I touch. I've always thought "It's A Wonderful Life" is a good example of the effect we have on other people, even when we are not fully aware of it. I have told mom in the past that if it were just about me, if my choices only affected me, I would have come out of the closet a long time ago. But I realize that my choices don't just affect me. They affect your lives as well, and I've always feared the reality that my choices would affect my family and friends' lives in a negative way, and I have never wanted that. Believe you me, I am not out to hurt anybody or disappoint anybody or wreak havoc on the lives of a family that I dearly love.

And I am not looking for approval. I know I won't receive (nor did I expect to receive) that; not with the strong testimonies that you have. And I have always admired you for cultivating your testimony in such a way that it is so strong that you know you must ardently defend your beliefs. I wish I were that way. While I believe my testimony has been strong in many ways, I've also always felt that I've been kind of a wishy-washy, half-hearted member of the church. And I guess the reason for that is no matter how active and spiritual I have been, I've just never been able to reconcile the gospel plan with many of the feelings in my heart.

That doesn't mean I don't believe the Church is true. I know that must sound contradictory in way. But what I mean is this: I have tried so hard my whole life to do the best I can to live my life the way God has commanded me to, and I just don't know that I'm strong enough to do it anymore. I don't know whether it's because I don't have enough faith or that I don't have the determination or the true desire or the will-power or what, but God is commanding me to want a lot of things that I just don't seem to want. I have no desire to marry a woman, and I have little desire to be alone for the rest of my life. But I also don't want to hurt anybody, and I know that if I make the choice to be with Jonah I will inevitably hurt some of the people I love very much. You talk about the many hearts I will break if I make this decision. I suppose I can't argue with you that that is a reality. But what about my heart? It seems like my heart breaks every day no matter what choice I make.

There have been numerous times in my life when I just wish that the Lord would release me from this mortal coil just so I don't have to deal with this anymore. Please don't misinterpret that to mean that I'm suicidal in any way because I'm not. Not at all. I just wish that I didn't have to deal with this anymore because it seems that no matter what choices I make in my life regarding this issue, someone's going to be unhappy. And no matter what I do, I'm going to feel bad. I'll feel bad if I hurt those I love, and I'll also feel bad because I'm trapped in a life where I'm commanded to live one way and yet I don't feel that's who I really am at all. I feel like I live a facade every day of my life and that I'm unable to express what I really feel without the fear of being judged or condemned for it. I put on a brave face all the time and do what I'm asked to do, and yet I feel like I'm living a lie; that I'm trying to be someone I'm not. And I feel like because I'm commanded to live my life in a certain way, I will be alone for the rest of my life, and it just doesn't seem fair or right.

I know life isn't meant to be fair. It's a test, and we're all asked to endure until the end. But this soldier is very battle-scarred and weary, and I just fear I don't have it in me to fight anymore. And Alma is right: "Wickedness never was happiness," which is why all this is so confusing to me. Because in many ways I feel happier than I've felt in years. In fact, since I've been here at [college], I have felt so happy and so fulfilled, and my relationship with Jonah has brought me such joy, and I can't understand why if it's wrong does it feel so right. Perhaps I am under Satan's influence. Well, if I am, he's very good at what he does. I sometimes fear I'm just one of those "honorable men of the earth, who [is] blinded by the craftiness of men."

Perhaps you're right, maybe if I wasn't involved in the career I am, things would be easier and I wouldn't cross paths so readily with people who are more accepting of these things. But God gave me certain talents, and the theatre is where I am the happiest and most fulfilled in my life. I can't imagine what I would do with my life if I couldn't do what I am doing, and quite frankly I feel so much more accepted and at home with my theatre friends than I do just about anywhere else. I feel like I belong here, that I fit here. That I can just be who I am rather than put on a mask all day.

I said before that I would never wish this struggle on anyone, but I do often wish my loved ones could walk a lifetime in my shoes. The only people who really truly understand what people like me go through are people who experience this struggle first-hand and Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. Other people can empathize or sympathize, but they can never know what I truly feel in my heart just as I can never truly know another person's heart. Heavenly Father knows my heart better than anyone else. I am trying to do my best to please him.

I'm just so weary of fighting, and no amount of scripture-reading, praying, or church-going seems to make the battle any easier. I've found somebody I really love who loves me and it's hard to keep an eternal perspective when I have someone who makes me so happy right now. But I haven't made a decision yet, and Jonah has been so good about letting me work this out and is trying very hard to understand where I'm coming from with my religious views and is being very patient and knows fully well that I may continue on the path I've been on all these years. I know that's what you all want for me, and I respect that. It's just such a difficult battle and a tiring one and one that often doesn't seem fair or just or even worth it sometimes. I wish I didn't feel that way. I really do. I love God and I love my religion and I love my family. But I love Jonah, too, and everything doesn't seem as black and white as all that to me right now. Things just don't make sense sometimes. If God said you couldn't be with [your wife] anymore, I imagine that would be very difficult for you. You might argue that He wouldn't ask you to do that, that it would be contrary to his plan; likewise, I don't understand why God would ask me to do something that seems so contrary to my nature. But knowing you, if God did ask you to give up [your wife], knowing you, you would probably be obedient enough that you would. Would I were that strong and obedient myself.

I'm sorry that this isn't what you want to hear. I truly am. And if I do make the decision to give up certain things to be with Jonah, perhaps I will be giving up my birthright for a mess of potage. I really don't know anymore. I honestly don't mean to be selfish, and I hope you can forgive me if I am, but I feel like I've been living my life to please other people for so long, and I don't know if I can do that anymore. And I'm fully aware my actions and choices have repercussions on the lives of those I love, but I also know that ultimately it is I, and I alone, who must face God at the last day and account for my own actions and endure the consequences of those actions, whether they be good or bad. What I do know is God loves me and ultimately, whatever I decide, I have to be at peace with it. And if I make mistakes, I will have to learn from them. That's what life is about, I suppose.

Again, I truly do appreciate your love, support, advice, counsel, and prayers. I really do. I suppose I need them now more than ever. I do love you. That will never change. And I'm glad to know that you love me and that you will never give up on me. That's what Christ does, too. You are a good example, and I am thankful for that.

I love you so much.

Your brother,

Cody

Jonah and I went to see Into the Woods Friday night. It is one of my favorite musicals. The original Broadway production actually came out in 1987, when I was still in high school and struggling with these feelings a lot. I came out briefly in 1990, three years afterwards. But I remember these lyrics, which were thought-provoking to me back then and which I was reminded of again Friday night:

Do you know what you wish?
Are you certain what you wish
Is what you want?
If you know what you want,
Then make a wish.

But how can you know what you want
Till you get what you want
And you see if you like it?

All I know is
What I want most of all
Is to know what I want.

Although how can you know
Who you are till you know
What you want, which you don't?
So then which do you pick:
Where you're safe, out of sight,
And yourself, but where everything's wrong?
Or where everything's right
And you know that you'll never belong?

Must it all be either less or more,
Either plain or grand?
Is it always "or"?
Is it never "and"?

Just remembering you've had an "and,"
When you're back to "or,"
Makes the "or" mean more
Than it did before.
Now I understand...

Those are actually lyrics from four different songs, but there is a common thread through just about every song in Into the Woods about choices and learning and experiences. I could write a whole paper on this show. In fact, I often thought about doing a thesis on it. My graduate program doesn't require us to write a thesis, though, so that will have to be for another day. In any case, I often wonder why we have to think of it as you can either be gay or you can keep your religion. Isn't there some way to do both? For some, they choose to follow the teachings of the church and remain celibate. For others, they choose to act on their gay feelings but still have a good relationship with God, even if their standing in the church itself has been compromised. Ultimately, one has to decide what will make them happiest. I've tried for many years to stay true to the teachings of my church and not act on my homosexual feelings. Although in many ways it has brought me happiness, in other ways I have felt completely unfulfilled. I often wonder what it's like on the other side of the fence. Perhaps I won't find happiness there, either, but on some level I feel I'll never know unless I try. What I do know is that I've been very happy and fulfilled with Jonah lately, and if that is wrong, I guess it's wrong. But it feels so right in so many ways. My only regret is that if I choose to be with Jonah, I will hurt some members of my family and some friends. But I also have to realize that this is my life, and as long as I am at peace with my decision, whatever that decision may be, I can't really worry too much about how it affects others because it's really up to them how they choose to react.

Anyway, I guess that's all I have to say for now.

More Responses

Here's the latest reponse to my email. This one's from my sister-in-law. It's pretty much what I predicted she'd say:

Dear Cody,
I will love you forever. My heart breaks hearing of the struggle and
trials you have been called on to face. I do not pretend to know how you
feel but at the same time I know that everyone carries their own secret
heartache and will be tried to their very core. I do not know one person
that is not struggling for their soul in one way or another. Life is hard.
It is a test. I know the only safe way back to our Father is by keeping
your covenants. We also know that the reward will be far better than
anything we can now imagine. Please, keep your covenants.

I know of the love you have for the Lord. I also know that you know that
the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true. You know it! Today in institute class
[our teacher] spoke of why the Lord doesn’t seem to answer our prayers when
we want him to. He spoke of being young and wishing he would have died when
he was 7 yrs and 364 days old. He didn’t think it was fair that they would
inherit the Celestial Kingdom and he would have to work so hard for the same
place. He struggled with these thoughts for years and when he was on his
mission a GA came and interviewed all the missionaries. He was given the
chance for one question which he asked why it was fair for children to go to
the Celestial Kingdom when he had to work so hard for the same place. The
GA tapped his knee in a loving, grandfatherly way and said, “Now don’t you
worry. Everyone in the Celestial Kingdom will deserve to be there.” (This
was no answer at all.) Years later when he was in his late 40s, he was
driving to work and thinking about the lesson he was preparing for
institute; the true way to pray. To really pray, he learned, we must pray
and ask the Lord what we should pray for. He realized he had never prayed
like this before. So as he was driving he started praying. “Lord, what
should I pray for?” The answer was immediate. “You should pray and thank
the Lord that you did not die when you were seven. Life is so beautiful
with all of the lessons you can learn. You learn what joy, happiness, pain
and sorrow are. All the life experiences you have are a gift from God.
Experience is a gift.” He realized that at 20 he did not have enough
experience to be as thankful for the gift of life as he should be, nor did
he at 30 or 40. He had to be old enough that he could look over his life,
the good and the bad. He had to be far enough away from the events of his
life that he could be an impartial judge on his actions for good or bad and
what he learned. He realized that he did not have a HOLDING SPACE for the
answer. Life had to teach him and create that holding space so the Lord
could place the answer in his heart.

Cody, what have you learned from your struggles? From the outside, I
think you have learned compassion and not to be judgmental. What else have
you learned?

I think you are at hero time. What, you may ask, is hero time? It is
just at the point of the movie where the hero feels like he has nothing left
to give. He is defeated and usually ready to quit. But something deep
inside will not let him quit. It is really exciting because so much is
riding on this decision. The choice made either makes you want to stand up
and cheer or sigh. We all relate to him because we all get to this point in
our own lives. You are now at this point of time.

The confusion you face comes from the world and the worldly viewpoints. You
are a beloved son of God. He knows you and loves you and wants you to
return to him. You are not in any way a bizarre science experiment. You
are being asked the question that we all are asked, who and what do you love
the most? Our lives are the answer. We each are asked to sacrifice all that
we have for the Lord. It comes in different ways but we each are asked in
our own way. You are strong and valiant. I can’t imagine what it must be
like to be 34 and still searching for my eternal companion. I am praying for
you.
Love.

[Your sister-in-law]

Here's part of my response to her:

Hey,

Thanks so much for your email. I appreciate your love and concern very much as well as your input and advice.
I was especially impacted by this quote from your letter: “Life is so beautiful with all of the lessons you can learn. You learn what joy, happiness, pain and sorrow are. All the life experiences you have are a gift from God.
Experience is a gift.” I know this is going to sound odd and contradictory to the gospel plan, but the more I pray about this issue, the more I feel I am supposed to have these experiences with Jonah and that perhaps I will learn something valuable about happiness and my relationship with the Lord because of it. It doesn't make sense to me in context with what I have been taught, but the message I seem to be getting from the Lord is that He just wants me to be happy and that if I feel happy with Jonah then that's what I need to do and things will work themselves out the way they're supposed to.
I also feel that no matter what kingdom I end up in in the afterlife, it's where I will belong and be happiest. I still haven't made any firm decisions yet, and I know this response may disappoint you, but it's what I'm feeling.
I know that you are very concerned for my spiritual well-being and that you don't want me to do anything I might regret (either in this life or the next), and I truly appreciate that. But, ultimately, I will be the one who has to make this decision and live with its consequences, good or bad, and right now my heart is telling me that everything is going to be okay.
You asked what I've learned from my struggles. Yes, I have learned tolerance and compassion towards others. I've learned that life is not black and white; there are shades of gray everywhere. I've learned that the Lord loves and will always love me no matter what (just like you guys seem to). I've learned to exercise faith (but I've also learned that maybe I don't have enough faith to do what is required of me). I've learned that love can be exhibited in different ways. I've learned how much my family and friends really love and care about me. I've learned that being honest is more helpful than holding things in. I've learned that life really is a test. I've learned other things, too, but those are just a few.
I love you so much, and I appreciate your thoughts and prayers more than you know. I also know that if I do make the choice to be with Jonah that it will upset and concern you, and I don't wish to do anything to cause you pain, but I do appreciate that you care for that much. I know you will always love me, and I thank you for that.
I have some hard decisions ahead, but all I can do is do my best and trust that what I've done is for the best.
Love you lots,

Cody

And here's my brother's response, which I also predicted would turn out this way:

Cody,

This has been a struggle for me as well as you. First and foremost know that I love you, the Lord loves you and we always will.

I'm going to be blunt so be prepared.

It sounds to me like you already have made your choice and maybe are looking for our support in this decision. My opinion is that you are giving up a lot for what you view as happiness. In no way do I support this decision and the Lord does not condone it either. I think we have all supported you, but not this decision. I do not want to skate around the issue and hate to be preachy, but feel you need to hear it or that I need to get it off my chest.

It will break many hearts if you continue down this path and break your covenants. We will all live with the consequences and not just you. Of course the Lord wants you to be happy and so do we, but wickedness never was happiness as Alma points out.

You ask why God put you in each other’s paths. I don't believe God is necessarily responsible for everyone we meet. The environment you have chosen to put yourself in has lead to that. With your career you have made choices that allowed these paths to cross. There has been some inactivity and possibly lack of feeding your spirit. Some plays you choose to be a part of do not allow the spirit to be present and may even cause a loss of having the spirit. You have a choice to change your environment and get out of the situation. I know that could be difficult, but is an option. It saddens me that you would be willing to go to another kingdom other than the Celestial. Thankfully we still have the atonement, but it would be better if we didn't need to go down that path. I'm happy to see that you still have time to make a choice in this matter and hope it is a wise one.

President Benson said, “The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The world would take people out of the slums. Christ takes the slums out of people, and then they take themselves out of the slums. The world would mold men by changing their environment. Christ changes men, who then change their environment. The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature. … Yes, Christ changes men, and changed men can change the world. Men changed for Christ will be captained by Christ. … Men captained by Christ will be consumed in Christ.”

Cody - Even the most valiant fall when they have placed themselves in the wrong situation. You can run like Joseph or linger like David.

Again, I do love you and will continue to pray for all of our struggles. I won't give up on you!

[Your Brother]

I actually appreciate my brother's response. I'm glad he's not sugar-coating anything because I do know this decision does affect everybody in my family, not just me, and I know this would be particularly difficult for him. And I know he has a very strong testimony of the gospel and is only interested in what he perceives to be my happiness. And he may very well be right.

I just know I have fought this for a very long time, and this soldier is weary of fighting. We'll see what happens.

Jonah and I went out to eat last night. We had a really nice talk. I'm feeling more comfortable with the idea of finally coming out of the closet and being with him. It won't be easy at times, I'm sure, but I'm feeling more at peace with the idea.

I held his hand while we drove home and we kissed each other on the cheek as we said our goodbye. It's nice to be in love again.

Responses

Here are the responses thus far (which I have edited) to the email I sent my family:

From my brother-in-law:

Hi Cody, I hope that what I say to you stays with you. I hope you find happiness wherever you can find it. I have been married five times. Five! Don't you think i would have gotten it right by now? I think I have with [your sister]. I had gone to marriage counseling four times with [my ex wife] to make it work. I confronted my bishop about it not working and he said, “As long as you have tried to make it work, you can truthfully stand before your Heavenly Father and say, ‘I tried.’"
You may find that what you are going through is too tough, so no matter what you decide, God loves you. You will always be my brother-in-law. Live to love, Cody. We' re only here for a short time (besides, all good faithful are not supposed to judge and that’s what I intend to do.)
Love, your bro-in-law…

My sister:

Well I for one am not upset. I think if Jonah makes you happy, then go for it. I don't know Jonah, but he evidently makes you happy, and I don't think you should be alone anymore. You'll have struggles either way, right?
I love you. And I am so SORRY about your struggles. I just want you to be happy, Cody. You need to make your decision for you - not for anybody else. I love you. I support your decision either way. And I will ALWAYS love you, no matter what.

My other sister:

Hi Cody,
How's life treating you? Okay, that's a dumb question. You don't need to answer that because obviously it's not treating you as well as you'd like with this struggle that you've had for so many years. Life is not perfect! Life isn't fair! I wish I knew what to tell you to make it all go away but the truth is that I don't know what to tell you. Life is full of challenges and it seems like whatever I'll say will just be a repeat of things you've heard over and over again.
I can't imagine not ever loving you. You're my brother! How can I not love you? I've known you all my life! Your feelings for Jonah are not going to change the way I feel about you. He seems like a nice guy and it sounds like he has a lot of respect for you and really, it's got to be up to you what you choose. No one else can choose for you! You're a grown man! You've got to make your own decisions! I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. I do keep you in my prayers all the time. You mean so much to me, Cody, and I do love you.
The only suggestion I can think of which you've probably received numerous of times, at least I would think you have, is a blessing. When is the last time you had a blessing?
Do what you feel is best for you!
Take care,
Please let me know if there is anything I can do.
I love you!

And this one form my mom, which made me cry (in a good way):

Dear Cody,
Somehow I felt this was coming. First of all I love you, I will always love you. That won't change.
I know you struggle with your problem. I feel your struggle, and I struggle not knowing how to help you. I, too, pray for you. Your name is on the temple rolls constantly and I don't know what the answer is either.
I once told you that in our pre-existence that perhaps you did make a choice because you love the Savior so much. When you were born we almost lost you and after you were given a blessing perhaps you chose to come back to earth. None of us know what promises we have made.
Years ago when you were down at [college] before you told [your sister] about your problem you became quite angry and surly and I really didn't know why. Now I assume you were rebelling against these feelings.
I'm not sure exactly what happed but that night that you got your testimony and you decided to go on a mission the light just come to you and you were such a changed person and I liked it. You were so happy. Perhaps you thought this would change your homosexual feelings. I don't know but you seemed so happy.
I realize that you have done the things that you have been counseled to do and I also see your frustration with the way things are going.
You are a loving, caring, non-judgmental (except for [President] Bush and that is understandable), merciful individual . You have many friends and they turn to you for counsel. People look up to you.
I know you love and believe in the gospel and have a testimony of Jesus Christ and the atonement. You are a good person and I know you try to follow God’s plan. I know that covenants you make are very important to you.
In return the Lord has given you many choice blessings. You have a beautiful voice and are an excellent student and teacher, you are smart and well-read. You know the gospel and the history of world events far better than me. You are a friend to many. You have so many talents.
I, too, don't understand why you have this challenge in your life, but you do have it and I also see that it is tearing you apart. I'm not going to go into the natural man versus the spiritual man. You know it probably better than I.
I am concerned however about the future, and I don't think it will be long before the second coming with all the things that are going on in the world today. Just this evening Bush said that he didn't think the war would end until the next president is in office. And Korea has a new bomb. There are just so many signs of the times in this day right now.
In my lifetime I have seen so many things happen, but since 2000 it seems like almost daily we see the signs and we know it will be a great and dreadful day.
Jonah is a very nice person. I like him very much. I know you would like someone in your life, and I am glad that he is not pressuring you. I know he makes you happy. I'm sure you also make him happy. I glad that you are friends. I'm sure you feel between a rock and a hard place. I know you want more than just that friendship. There will also be other problems that will probably come if you decide for more than just friendship but maybe not.
In the end, my dear son, it will be you that must make this life-altering decision, but never think that I would stop loving you for I will always love you.
I care so much about you and I love you so much.
This to has been a hard letter for me to write because I want you to be happy and content and I know you are going through so much trying to accomplish that. My prayers are with you always.
Love, Mom

I still haven't decided what I'm going to do yet, but it sure gives me a great deal of comfort to know that my family will love and support me whether they agree with the actual decision or not.

I've been singing corny love songs all day, and I know it's because of Jonah.

My Sister

I don’t know how much I will be able to blog in the near future. School has started up again, and I expect to be pretty busy pretty soon, so the free time I use to blog will be not be as readily available as it has been recently. But I will blog when I can.

I wanted to talk about my older sister. We’ve generally been close through the years we’ve been alive. She was one of my best friends in 1990, when I was first coming to terms with my feelings before I gained my testimony of the LDS Church and was the first family member I ever told about my sexual attractions. She did not handle it well at all, and we became estranged for a time. Eventually, I decided not to pursue my homosexual attractions and became active in the church, and eventually, we reconciled and all was forgiven and forgotten. I wouldn’t say we’re as close as we were once upon a time, but we’re still quite close and tell each other just about everything.

I recently wrote her to tell her of my predicament regarding my feelings towards the church and Jonah. She responded with the following two emails, which I am just quoting parts of:

I've made more than my share of mistakes concerning our relationship - I am not willing to blow it again. And if there is more that comes between you and Jonah - well, good for you - to a degree. No, I don't support your decision, but if it's the way to happiness than go for it - though we both know that the happiness will only be temporary. There's other issues that will arise - does in every relationship - ours [hers and her husband’s] happens to be finances and spending time with the children - all six of them. Nothings perfect. And as we know the eternal rewards are not what we personally seek after . . . I don't know what to tell you. But I'm not mad at you…[and] I would rather see you happy in a relationship that makes you comfortable than a false front. I love you. I wish I was a better help than I have been.

and

I want you to be happy, Cody. It's hard to be battling with yourself all the time. And perhaps the battle will continue either way you go. Sometimes life would be so much easier if we were more ignorant.

I've heard it said that the loneliest people are generally the ones that are spiritually in tune - or was it the other way around? I don't want you to be lonely. Loneliness sucks! Even more so than problems in a relationship - those can generally be resolved.

I thought it was interesting how different her response is than what it was several years ago. Of course, she’s also had several years to sit with my issues.

I also wrote the following email to my immediate family and my former bishop, who is a very close friend:

This is an extremely difficult letter for me to write. I don't know how to express what I'm feeling right now, but I will try. I first off want to let all of you know that I love you very much and the last thing I ever want to do is upset or hurt or disappoint any of you. You are my family, and I love you so much.

You all know that I struggle with homosexual feelings and have for most of my life. Just like you, I do not understand why these feelings are mine and why this is my lot in life, but they are, and it is. I have tried for so much of my life to do the right thing, and I have tried ardently to live as I felt the Lord commanded me to. Yet no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, no matter how eagerly I fight, I cannot seem to win this battle. In fact, the battle just gets harder and harder as each year of my life passes, and I am exhausted. I have read my scriptures, magnified my callings, paid my tithing, attended my meetings, applied lessons I've heard into my life, counseled with my church leaders, gone to counseling, tried to stay away from things that might negatively influenced me, attended the temple, fasted, and done all the things I have been taught and advised to do. I've tried to apply the atonement in my life to the best of my ability. Furthermore, I have suppressed my feelings, hidden my desires, and pretended to be someone I feel I've never really been. And it's exhausting. The war that wages in my heart is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. It's so wearing when you're battling yourself.

I am not a bad person. I'm the same person I've always been; the person that you love as a son, brother, or friend. I try so hard to do the best I can to be the best person I can be and because I'm constantly told by the Church (and I guess the Lord) that acting on my feelings that seem so natural to me is sinful, I wonder how I can deal with it anymore. I'm told that marriage and an eternal family is God's plan for me, and yet it doesn't compute in my wiring, and I wonder where I fit in this glorious plan of happiness.

The fact is, I do love the Church (and I even believe it's true). But I sometimes wonder if I have the faith and endurance to do what I've been commanded to do. So much doesn't make sense to me anymore, and it is no longer clear to me what the right thing to do is.

My friend, Jonah, and I have become close, and I felt impressed to share my feelings about how I really feel about him. I never meant to fall in love with Jonah, but the fact of the matter is that I have. I know it's hard for all of you to understand, but we are in love with each other. And I don't understand why God has put us on each other's paths or why so many things have happened in our relationship to bring us so close together or why we have to have so much in common or why we have to make each other so happy when we're around each other or why it's so wrong for two people of the same sex to love each other, but all these things exist. I feel like my soul is being torn because I have such love for both my family and the Church but an equally deep love for my friend, Jonah.

The last thing I want to do is displease or upset anyone. Not you. Not Jonah. Not God. But I really don't know what to do anymore. I've been hiding so long behind this facade of who I ought to be rather than who I actually feel that I am. I've pretended publicly to not have feelings that I have privately.

Telling Jonah how I felt was so liberating and felt right. Being with him feels right. Why? Can someone explain that to me? Why do I feel giddy and happy when I'm with him? Why do I feel such a connection with him? And why is it such a sin for two people who love each other to be together? It's never made sense to me. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting mixed messages from the Lord; that I'm in some sort of bizarre science experiment. And I don't know what God wants from me anymore. I try so hard to be righteous in the eyes of my religion, but my heart pulls me in other places.

Rest assured, Jonah and I haven't done anything contrary to the Lord' commandments. And, in fact, Jonah, who is a very spiritual and Christian person himself, wants me to take all the time I need to think about what I really want in life.

All I know is that I deeply love both my religion and this guy and all of you. And I feel very conflicted because Jonah makes me very happy, and the religion I deeply love, which has given me some of my greatest attributes, doesn't seem to be meeting my needs the way I wish it would, and I don't understand why.

I guess the main point of this email is that I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what the future holds for me or what the right decision is anymore. I pray about it constantly, and I'm still thinking and mulling. I don't expect you to understand or agree with me if I make a choice that is contrary to the Church's teachings nor do I expect you to support that decision, but I hope you'll still love and support me no matter what choice I make. I just wanted you to know that I'm at a really weird crossroads in my life, and in many ways it feels like exactly where I'm supposed to be. I don't know what I'm going to do, and I'm sorry if that upsets you, and I hope you can forgive me for that. Believe you me, this is not a choice that I will make lightly or quickly, nor is it a choice that hasn't already been a part of my life for many years (the only difference is now I have a reason to make it).

I truly am sorry to upset you (and I'm sure I have), but I wanted you to know where I currently am and what I'm facing. These last couple of years at [college] have been among the happiest I've had in some time. I love you all so much.

Pray for me.

Love,

Cody

Jonah wrote a very lovely email to me last night which I won’t put here because I don’t want to embarrass him (not that he’d be embarrassed; after all, you are just a bunch of strangers); at least, not without his permission. But it was a very sweet declaration of love. I liked it very much.

Many Thoughts

This is likely to be a long post, so strap yourselves in for a while. I am currently reading The Misanthrope by Molière. I have read it before, but has been quite a while since I last read it, and I had forgotten about a monologue I like which somehow seems apropos. In case you aren’t familiar with The Misanthrope, I’ll set up the scene for you. It is a scene between two women who are supposedly friends, Arsinoé and Célimène. Arsinoé has a reputation for being pious and righteous, but Célimène knows that in fact Arsinoé is self-righteous, hypocritical, and somewhat vicious in her judgment of the other people. At the beginning of the scene Arsinoé berates Célimène in a supposedly kind and concerned manner for her (Célimène’s) faults. Célimène responds to this attack on her character in an equally sweet manner with the following monologue:

Madam, I haven’t taken you amiss;
I’m very much obliged to you for this;
And I’ll at once discharge the obligation
By telling you about your reputation.
You’ve been so friendly as to let me know
What certain people say of me, and so
I mean to follow your benign example
By offering you a somewhat similar sample.
The other day, I went to an affair
And found some most distinguished people there
Discussing piety, both false and true.
The conversation soon came round to you.
Alas! Your prudery and bustling zeal
Appeared to have a very slight appeal.
Your affectation of a grave demeanor,
Your endless talk of virtue and of honor,
The aptitude of your suspicious mind
For finding sin where there is none to find,
Your towering self-esteem, that pitying face
With which you contemplate the human race,
Your sermonizing and your sharp aspersions
On people’s pure and innocent diversions--
All these were mentioned, Madam, and, in fact,
Were roundly and concertedly attacked.
“What good,” they said, “are all these outward shows,
When everything belies her pious pose?
She prays incessantly; but then, they say,
She beats her maids and cheats them of their pay;
She shows her zeal in every holy place,
But still she’s vain enough to paint her face;
She holds that naked statues are immoral,
But with a naked man she’d have no quarrel.”
Of course, I said to everybody there
That they were being viciously unfair;
But still they were disposed to criticize you
And all agreed that someone should advise you
To leave the morals of the world alone,
And worry rather more about your own.
They felt that one’s self-knowledge should be great
Before one thinks of setting others straight;
That one should learn the art of living well
Before one threatens other men with hell,
And that the Church is best equipped, no doubt,
To guide our souls and root our vices out.
Madam, you’re too intelligent, I’m sure,
To think my motives anything but pure
In offering you this counsel--which I do
Out of a zealous interest in you.

It’s always bothered me that people use religion as an excuse to attack and judge other people, especially when the fact is, we are all human beings, and none of us is without sin, so who are any of us to judge anybody else? I figure I have enough problems of my own; I’ll leave the judging to God. I’m reminded of the stories in The Book of Mormon of the Zoramites who felt they were so pious, but were actually prideful, materialistic, and self-righteous; or the Pharisees in the New Testament who were so proud of themselves for so strictly following the commandments of God when in fact they were complete hypocrites. There are stories in all books of scripture of members of the church who are so busy judging and condemning others that they have lost sight of what religion is all about (and, of course, I’m primarily talking about Christian religions here). From my reading, Jesus Christ was very non-judgmental, compassionate, merciful, and full of love and charity, and when I read or hear about people using Christianity as a device of hate and judgment and condemnation, it really disturbs me because I don’t think that’s what Christianity is all about.

But I do think we’re all guilty of judging to some extent. I mean, that seems to be human nature. But I really do try to look for the good in people and not judge them because just as no one fully knows what it’s like to be in my shoes, I can’t fully comprehend what’s it’s like to be in anybody else’s. We all come from different backgrounds and different situations, and I think God will judge us based on our hearts even if we screw up from time to time. Heavenly Father knows we’re imperfect; that’s why we needed the Atonement of his perfect Son, because he knew we were human and would fall short.

I think so many people in many Christian religions, including mine, concentrate so much on the judgments of God that they forget how merciful he is, and I think that’s a huge thing to forget. But I do it, too, I know. There was a time in my life when I just felt guilty for every commandment I felt I wasn’t keeping and got down on myself because I wasn’t as perfect as I thought God expected me to be. Now, although I still do that to a much lesser extent, it has been made very clear to me that God loves me no matter what choices I make and that I’m supposed to make mistakes and allow myself to make them and learn from them. I mean, when I think about it, when I do things that disappoint my family, they may be disappointed, but that certainly doesn’t change their love for me, and if they, who are imperfect, can still love me in spite of my mistakes and frailties, then surely God, who is perfect, loves me no matter what, with an even deeper and more profound love than I can understand. And if friends and family members can forgive me for dumb mistakes, then surely God, who is perfect and has commanded all men to forgive, can forgive me for any wrongs I do.

I love my religion. I really do. And I believe my church, itself, is built on wonderful principles. But it is also filled with imperfect human beings, like myself, who don’t always do the right thing. All religions are that way, I suppose. In the last year or so I have become a bit disillusioned with organized religion. I don’t know that one has to attend a specific church to have a good relationship with God, and when I see some of the hypocrisy that comes out of certain religions, it disheartens me. I’ve known some atheists and homosexuals that are better Christians than some of the “Christians” I know. And these self-professed “Christians” are so busy attacking gay people and atheists and abortionists and what-have-you that I think they’re missing the point.

I see people like Gayle Ruzika, Chris Buttars, Dell Schanze (if you’re Utahn you’ll know who I’m talking about), Pat Robertson, Dr. Laura, etc. spewing ignorant nonsense, often in the name of Christianity; I see the double-standard of canceling showings of Brokeback Mountain or Transamerica while showing a violent piece of garbage like Hostel; I see local and federal legislators working on so-called “message bills” that would disban gay-straight alliances in schools or prevent gay couples from marrying or disallow the teaching of any sex-education but abstinence when there are big problems like health care or education or government corruption and mismanagement to deal with; I see people applauding a president for caring about the sanctity of life when thousands of people are dying because of mismanaged, unmerited war; I see Protestants and Catholics fighting, Jews and Muslims fighting; fundamentalists flying into buildings and killing thousands of people; religious leaders spewing messages of hate, and all in the name of God. It’s disheartening to me.

But, on the other hand, I see so much good in organized religion. I see people helping others, doing acts of service, being there for one another, trying the best they can to live good lives. But I don’t know that one necessarily needs organized religion to do that. That’s just people doing good. Still, I do like the fellowship that comes with organized religion.

For example, I like my ward (kind of like a parish, for those of you who don’t know Mormon terminology) very much. It’s actually one of the best wards I’ve ever been to. The people there are so kind and friendly, and I truly feel like they care about me and are concerned for me in a very genuine way. And my ward back home in Salt Lake City is terrific, too. And I enjoy being with people who share my faith and values.

There’s rarely any Sunday that passes by where I don’t have several ward members ask me how I’m doing or what I’m up to. Most of them call me by name, and I don’t always know who they even are or how they know my name. And they seem genuinely interested and concerned; it doesn’t feel like they’re doing it out of obligation (like I’ve experienced in other wards). My bishop shook my hand today and asked me how I was doing and what I was up to. It’s been a month since I’ve even been to church, and here’s this man being completely loving and genuine. I told him I was good, which is true. He asked if I was keeping busy, and I said yes, and he said that was good, it would keep me out of trouble. He just meant it as a joke, but I thought, “If he only knew the dilemma I’m in right now.” Then a guy from the singles group asked me if I was interested in joining them for a singles event. Fortunately, I won’t be able to because of school commitments (I’m kind of done with church singles activities). A woman asked me how school was going and said her daughter had seen my most recent show and enjoyed it We talked for a bit. I had a bunch of people shake my hand or just say hi. I enjoy that feeling of really being cared about by your fellow ward members. Would it were that way in all wards.

At the same time, though, I don’t always fit in. For example, I was in my ward today looking at my home teacher and his wife and their two kids or the couple in front of me with their three children, and I just thought, “That isn’t in my future.” I love kids very much, but I like them better if they’re somebody else’s. My religion is so big on temple marriage and family, and for much of my life those topics have just made me feel lonely and out of place because my religion’s idea of what makes a family is not necessarily the same as mine. When I would go to the temple (I haven’t been in almost two years), I would just feel out of place and lonely, and I would think, “Surely this isn’t what heaven is all about.” And sometimes when I go to church I just feel like I don’t always belong to the same flock. I often have more liberal view than some of my fellow Mormons (although I’m probably still quite conservative by the world’s standards), and sometimes I feel that what is in my heart (and I’m not just talking about homosexuality here) is not in complete line with what I’m being fed at church. Much of it is, of course, but there are other principles that just don't make sense to my heart. I'm not even saying they are wrong or right; they just don't always ring true.

But the irony is because of past experiences, I really do believe my church is the true church of God; I just feel I’m learning more and more that maybe I don’t have what it takes to live my religion fully, and that maybe that’s okay.

I was thinking yesterday about my relationship with Jonah, and how according to my religion, it’s “wrong.” I was walking on campus in such a happy mood because I thought to myself, “I’m in love. I have a boyfriend. I have somebody in my life that completes me (that sounds so gay (forgive the pun), but it was true).” But then there was the other part of me that just felt guilty. Not that Jonah and I have done anything wrong. But this relationship will not be sanctioned by my religion, and I have to figure out how to reconcile two entities I love very much. It’s a complicated road. In some ways, though, I feel the path I’ve been on was meant to go this way. I’ve always been kind of a half-hearted Mormon in some ways. I’ve believed in my religion, but haven’t always lived it as best as I could. And I also feel like I’ve tried very hard to do the things my church asked me to do, but my heart wasn’t always in it. And I feel like some of my greatest spiritual experiences didn’t come simply from my Mormon faith (although many have).

Jonah and I had a really good talk last night. We both declared our love for each other and even talked about how we really feel we’ve found a soul-mate in the other. We even talked about how we’d feel good being married to each other. I mean, we’ve essentially been dating for a year now (although we didn’t call it that) and have really gotten to know each other and have such a strong connection and friendship that I feel (as does he) that we’d be really good for each other. And if Jonah were a woman, it would be little problem for me to marry him in my church. But he’s not. And I now find myself questioning why it makes a difference. Why is it such a sin for two people of the same sex to love one another? It doesn’t make sense to me. It rarely has. And if God really does want me to live as my religion has asked me to, why does it seem so impossible and lonely to do so?

I was walking to the store yesterday, and I saw a homeless guy. It was quite chilly, and I tend to give money to the homeless. I was certainly cold, and he looked cold, and I proceeded to pull out all the spare change I had. It was only about a dollar fifty, and I apologized to him for not having very much, and he said, “Shit, man, you don’t have to be sorry. Every little bit helps. Thanks a lot.” He just seemed so grateful for my little pittance. It meant a lot to him. And as I left him, I cried, and I thought, “I’m a good person. I am. And so is Jonah. So where is the sin? We’re just two good people who love one another and want to be with another. What’s the big deal?”

I told Jonah last night, I just need time to process this all. This is all very new to me. Although I’ve dreamed about it, I’ve never actually allowed myself to act on my feelings for another man, and I’m still trying to figure out what this all means and what will bring me the greater happiness. Jonah, who also comes from a conservative Christian family, dealt with those issues long ago (although he still faces other challenges), so he understands what I'm going through, but doesn't feel guilty about our relationship the way I sometimes do. Fortunately, he’s very patient. But I can’t expect him to wait around forever while I make a decision, and frankly, I’m afraid if I wait too long, I might lose him, and that’s very troublesome. But Jonah understands my predicament (as best he can) and certainly doesn’t want me to rush into anything I’m not ready to rush into, so he’s willing to give me time. He’s been so good about it, and I really appreciate it. I’m just taking it one day at a time.

Now that Jonah knows about this blog, I catch myself wondering if I should censor any of my thoughts. But I’ve decided Jonah has always been very honest with me from the beginning, and I owe him the same courtesy. And since I’m not always as open as I would like to be, this is a good forum for complete honesty, I think.

I, unfortunately, have been having headaches lately. I know they’re due to stress because I rarely ever get headaches. I know Jonah will feel bad about that. He says over and over that he doesn’t want me to be stressed about all of this. It isn’t his fault. I just have a lot to think about and deal with. I’m just having a lot of conflicting feelings right now, and I’m sure it’s all just building up and giving me headaches.

You know, in the Mormon religion we’re taught that if we don’t live our lives they way we’re supposed to, we can’t be with our families in the eternities. We believe in three kingdoms, the Celestial (that’s where God lives and where we should be shooting for), the Terrestrial (Jesus rules that one), and the Telestial (the Holy Spirit governs that one). We’re told to strive to go to the Celestial Kingdom, but I’ve never really imagined that’s where I was going, nor did I feel I would be as happy going there as I would, say, the Terrestrial Kingdom, which is where I think most of the people I care about will end up and where I would probably be happiest. But from what I’ve read and heard in talks, all of the kingdoms are pretty good places to be. I’m paraphrasing this, but Joseph Smith (our first Latter-Day prophet) once said that if men knew how good the Telestial Kingdom (the lowest kingdom) was, they would kill themselves right now to be there. A modern-day apostle, Dallin H. Oaks, said in a talk, “The telestial kingdom…seems to me to be a precise description of the world’s concept of hell. The terrestrial kingdom seems to me to be a precise description of the world’s concept of heaven. The good people of the world will not be disappointed by the terrestrial kingdom. The bad people of the world will be utterly astonished to do as well as the telestial kingdom, for despite all of its relative drawbacks, it is a kingdom of glory reserved by a Father in Heaven who loves his children and ‘saves all the works of his hands.’” The fact that any of us are here on earth at all, according to the Mormon faith, already bodes well for us because we believe we chose to come here rather than follow Satan, so I feel our Father will reward us well and fairly based on our works. As for being with our families forever, I believe that anybody in the Celestial Kingdom can visit anybody in the lower kingdoms, and someone in the Terrestrial Kingdom can visit someone in the Telestial Kingdom, but not vice-versa. So I think if your family member ends up in a higher kingdom than you, that doesn’t mean you’ll never see them again. They can come visit you; you just can’t visit them. That’s not official Mormon doctrine; it’s just what I believe. And because I do believe I’m a good person, I believe I’ll end up where I will be happiest. God loves us all, and I think He wants all of us to be happy, and I feel like I’m learning every day that maybe my happiness lies more in my relationship with Jonah than it does with my church. That doesn’t mean I don’t still love my religion or that I don’t want to be involved in it anymore. Au contraire. But sometimes I feel like God is telling me that it’s okay to pursue this path with Jonah; that I have the free-agency to choose, and that the choice is mine to make, and that He will love me the same regardless. I may not receive all the rewards in the afterlife that He would like to give me, but I can still be very happy, both in this life and the next. Or maybe I’m just rationalizing. But it seems to me that in many ways, this path that Jonah and I are on together was intended and meant to be. I’m still working it out.

Sacrament Meeting was kind of dull today. In fact, one speaker prefaced his talk by saying that his wife thought he had been assigned one of the most boring topics ever. She wasn’t wrong; though, to his credit, he really did do his best to try and make it interesting. We had a great Sunday School lesson, on Joseph (of coat of many colors fame) which dealt a lot with trials and faith and forgiveness. I enjoyed it.

Last thought: I went and saw V for Vendetta last night with Jonah. I enjoyed it very much, though it disturbed me a bit because I felt some of the travesties portrayed in this movie’s future of 2020 weren’t terribly far from the possible truth of what might happen to us as a nation and world if we continue on the path some of us are on. But I thought it was worth seeing and certainly found it thought-provoking.

Well, if you’re still reading, my congratulations for sticking around. I told you it would be long.