Tuning In On TRAX

Through my employer, I get a free pass to ride TRAX (public transportation system in the Salt Lake Valley). In the past I've only used it during inclement weather. However, the past few weeks I have taken advantage of free public transportation in order to both save on gasoline and in an effort to be more environmentally-friendly.

I don't enjoy public transportation both because it takes longer to get places and, more so, because I don't like sharing my ride with many of the individuals who ride public transportation. When I'm on a bus or tram, I mainly just want to relax and read a book or the newspaper. I am not particularly interested in engaging in conversation with anyone, even the interesting ones (of which I haven't found many).

I've freely admitted in my blog that I am not a very social person and generally like to be left alone unless I'm with one or two close friends. This goes double on public transportation.

There are many people who ride public transportation that are socially awkward and, in some cases, downright scary. I find it best not to make eye contact with these individuals. I generally keep my nose in my book and sometimes put on some earphones to discourage people from chatting me up. This may sound extreme and not very nice, but it's how I feel.

Some of the people I've encountered on TRAX have bad etiquette and then there are others that just have social or mental issues, I think. I've encountered belligerent homeless youth; kids playing rap music at full volume with no consideration for their neighbors; people having extremely loud conversations, often with a lot of profanity; the guy who tried to pick a fight with someone who accidentally bumped him, etc. These people I have little patience for.

But there are those that are just socially awkward or, in some cases, mentally-challenged. There was the mentally-challenged man sitting directly behind me who half-sang the same eight bars of music from Murray to Salt Lake, pausing only once to admire a policeman's name tag; there was the socially-awkward woman who was trying to strike up a conversation with anyone who would listen to her; there was a 16 or 17-year-old kid who was probably autistic or had Asbergers Disease, didn't make eye contact and was solely interested in technology (he told me everything a person could possibly want to know about my cellphone - smart kid; just a little different); the guy who kept humming really loudly to himself, etc.

And as I see these individuals, both the one who are purposefully obnoxious and the ones who can be annoying without intending to be, it strikes me that God knows the minds and hearts of each of these people. He knows their specific needs and situations. He knows with a perfect knowledge what each one of them is going through and has gone through. And He loves each one of them as much as He loves you or me. And as this awareness comes over me, I feel bad that I am less willing to get to know my fellow members of the human race.

My initial response when I see someone who is a bit strange or different than what I'm used to is "Please don't talk to me!" and then when they do, my first instinct is to put them off because I feel annoyed. And yet, isn't it our job as members of the human race to try to love and support one another; to try and understand one another? Just because we encounter someone who is seemingly different than us, is that a reason to shun or ignore them? I've written about this theme before, both here and here. Differences can seem frightening or annoying, but sometimes if we open up our eyes and hearts, we can actually learn things from others that seem different to us.

I'm not suggesting we need to engage socio- or psychopaths or every crazy we meet. That might not be advisable. But I do think some of the people I encounter on TRAX are just lonely and yearn for a listening ear. Others are people who have something to teach or offer me if I will only give them a chance to enter my heart.

For example, the autistic kid engaged me in conversation about cell phones and gaming systems (neither of which I was remotely interested in), but there was a sweetness in him that reminded me he is my brother; he is a child of God; and he is just as loved and needed as any of us. He reminded me that we are all members of the human family and we should help each other instead of ignoring each other. While I found his actual conversation boring, I actually desired to know more about him as a person.

We live in this age where we tune each other out with our IPods and earphone and computers and music and cellphones. We don't know our neighbors and don't really desire to. We text or Facebook each other even though we're mere feet away from each other. We don't engage one another. We look the other way when a fellow human being is in need. My adventures on TRAX are trying to teach me to be more receptive to those around me.

This is not easy for me. I like tuning people out. I don't often want to "get to know" my fellow man. But I'm glad public transportation is helping me be a little more open to being more connected with my fellow humans. I still have a long way to go, but I'm trying to work on it.

Feeling Blue

By nature, I am generally a pretty upbeat, optimistic person. I don't get depressed very often. I have, however, been feeling a bit blue the past couple of days for a number of reasons.

I miss my husband and cats terribly. Since we had our commitment ceremony, I've actually spent more time away from my husband than I have with him due to my job. It's great to be employed doing what I enjoy for a living, but it is hard to be away from the guy I love and our "children." I was able to be with him for two months, the longest consecutive time we've been together since we had our ceremony, and that was really nice. We talk almost every single day, so it's good that we keep up an active communication, but of course it isn't the same as actually being together.

I also feel a bit of guilt that I'm missing out on that time with my spouse and our pets; time that we can never get back. Furthermore, one of our cats is particularly attached to me, and my absences have been really hard on her. She acts out whenever we leave and Jonah can tell she's depressed and anxious, and I feel it is my fault. It's even harder because I can't exactly explain to my cat, whom I love very much, why I keep abandoning her for months at a time. At least Jonah understands my reasons. My poor cat doesn't understand at all, and it hurts me to see her so upset by my absences.

I've also been depressed by my mother's memory loss. It isn't her fault; it's just part of her aging process, but it has been hard for me to watch her age. I'm sure it's equally frustrating for her as well. It's never easy to watch one's parents get older. My dad suffered several strokes that left him physically challenged and changed his personality. It wasn't always bad, but it was hard to watch a once vibrant man be struck down by his physical mortality.

Mom is doing well physically, but her short-term memory is pretty much shot, and I've noticed her sense of awareness is less sharp than it once was, and things confuse her more easily than they used to. Even parts of her long-term memory are not as reliable as they once were. She's been diagnosed with dementia, but happily, not Alzheimer's. She's still able to care for herself independently, but my siblings and I do worry that a day will come when she is not able to do so. When I'm working in Utah, I live with my mom, so I'm exposed to it most often, and it's just challenging sometimes. I admit, too, that I am not always as patient with my mother's mental challenges as I ought to be, and that makes me feel bad.

My mom is one of my very best friends, and I just want to know that she is well and taken care of. I also never want her to feel that she is a burden in any way because she isn't.

I've been feeling a bit stressed by other things as well - nothing of import, but I've just felt a bit agitated lately, and I'm not sure why.

I'm in rehearsals for a great show, and it's coming along very well, and is even a fun piece, but the last couple of days it has just felt more like a job to me than theatre normally makes me feel. I just miss that feeling of creating a piece of art with passion rather than just "grinding out the meat" to pay the bills. I wish I was feeling the enthusiasm I often feel when I do theatre, and it's strange that I don't because this is even a show I was really excited to be cast in.

Anyway, I'm sure it's all just a phase. I anticipate I'll bounce back again pretty soon. I always do.

Refreshing

It's a nice to see a Republican politician (or former politician) saying things that make sense to me as far as social policies are concerned. Helps remind me that there are, indeed, people in the Republican party who actually feel the same way I do about certain social issues.

Amusing (To Me, At Least)

Every time I pass this building in Salt Lake City, I smile:



This is a nightclub called Club Bliss (previously called The Bay). The reason that it makes me smile is that when I was a little boy, it used to be the insurance company where my dad worked. I actually have fond memories of it, though at the time it was in a sketchy part of town. Sometimes we would pick my dad up, and in his break room, there was a soda machine (the kind with bottles), and sometimes Dad would get me a Fanta Red Cream Soda.

It was a relatively small building, and later in my childhood, the company moved to another, much larger, building.

I guess what makes me laugh is the fact that this stodgy, very serious company was housed in a building that now houses a probably more vibrant, energetic nightclub. It just makes me laugh. I doubt that my father or his coworkers would ever have imagined that the place of their business would become a nightclub.

It just amuses me.

Why Do I Seem Happy? I'll Tell You.

I was browsing through a Deseret Book catalogue my mom received in the mail, and there was an advertisement for a teen-oriented book called Why? Powerful Answers and Practical Reasons for Living LDS Standards. The description talked about how the book delves into certain questions teens should ask themselves and answers that support the Church's stance on certain issues. It gave examples of some of the questions, such as "Why shouldn't I just 'try' alcohol, just to see what it tastes like?" or "Why is wearing two pairs of earrings such a big deal? Or is it?"

One question intrigued me: "Why do some people who break the commandments appear happy?" I thought to myself, "Maybe it's because they are." According to LDS Church doctrine, I am breaking pretty serious commandments by being in a sexual relationship with my partner, yet I can assure you, I am not unhappy. In fact, since I found Jonah and came out, I have been happier than I've been in a long time. Believe you me, I am not deluded or fooling myself. I am truly happy.

As I was sitting in church today the thought occurred to me that if my bishop (former bishop, I guess I should say) were to come up to me and ask me if I wanted to take steps to rejoin the church again, I would say that if it meant giving up my relationship with Jonah, not a chance! NOT. A. CHANCE.

It's funny how I was always taught that following the precepts of Mormonism would bring me a fullness of joy and happiness, yet it was choosing something that I was taught was wicked (my relationship with Jonah) that actually has given me that. I wouldn't give that up. If there are those who believe that means I'm choosing Jonah over God, so be it, but I do not see it that way at all. To my eyes, I have chosen both.

I still love many things about Mormonism and, as you can see, I still attend a Mormon ward pretty regularly. I also feel like I still get a lot out of attending the LDS Church. But my relationship with Jonah has brought me so much happiness, joy, and fulfillment, and coming out of the closet has given me so much peace of mind, comfort, sanity, and freedom, I just don't think I could give that up.

Why do I appear happy?

Because I am. I truly am.

Goodbye, Old Friend

I'm back in Utah again after a lovely two months with Jonah. Sadly, I will be away from him for five months (give or take a few days of visits) for work.

Just before I came back to Utah, my neighbor across the street posted on her Facebook page that a man I have known all my life, who lived in the ward where I grew up even before my parents moved in, had passed away. This news was not exactly shocking. Just before I left two months ago, I distinctly remember looking at him as he was walking down the aisle to his seat and thinking, "Brother Walgreen is looking really frail these days." I remember feeling a sense of sadness because Brother Walgreen had never been a frail individual as long as I knew him, and it made me kind of sad that old age was finally having an adverse effect on him.

I guess his last few months had involved quite a bit of pain and suffering, but true to his nature, he always tried to have a smile on his face.

While not shocked by his death, I am saddened. Don't get me wrong; he lived a long and worthwhile life, and after so much pain in his last months, it was good that he and his family could be released from his suffering. It was his time to go.

No, what makes me sad is that there is one less beautiful spirit in the world, and a vital piece of the ward I grew up in is no longer there. Brother Walgreen was truly one of the best human beings I have ever known. He was a giant (figuratively and literally) among men, and this world really is the poorer with him not in it.

He had the greatest heart and was so interested in the lives of those around him. He was always asking me what I was up to (and not in the superficial way that most people are, including myself; he genuinely wanted to know about me and my life, and that was true of his relationships with just about everyone he knew). He was always quick to write you a personal note and mail it to you or give you a phone call if you had done something that particularly touched him. I remember receiving such calls and notes after giving a talk in church or singing or if an article ran in the paper about some show I was in. And again, when he gave you these compliments, it always felt so genuine; he wasn't just being nice - he was genuinely touched or interested.

He served as a bishop when I was growing up, and my bishop when my older brother and sister both went on missions. At his viewing there was a book of remembrance he had made that included pictures and personal notes from all the missionaries that had served during his tenure as bishop. My brother and sister were in there, of course. When I saw that book, so lovingly assembled, I thought that this was exactly the kind of thing he would do.

He served faithfully in his church callings and cared deeply about people. He served his country in World War II. He was such a good, good man. That whole moniker of "The Greatest Generation" describes his wife and him to a tee.

I loved him dearly, and my mom's ward (which I still consider my home ward) will never be the same without him. The world has lost a great, great man, and I cannot stress that enough. Brother Walgreen is celestial material by far. If someone like him can't make it to the Celestial Kingdom, there is no hope for the rest of us.

I will miss him very much and look forward to the day when I will see him again in the afterlife. He has left such an indelible print on my life.

Thanks, old friend!

The Secret Lives Of Cats

Let me preface this post by saying that Jonah and I are weird.

Jonah and I have three cats, each with a very distinct personality. Our oldest, Trooper, is a nurturing, sensitive cat. She is maternal and needs and desires a lot of affection. She likes me a lot even though she was originally Jonah's cat. If she were a human being, I would say she would be our good child - studious, getting good grades, helping around the house, taking care of the the other two kids while we're out, dependable, etc.

Blondie is our second oldest (and Trooper's daughter). She is moody and sullen. She personifies the stereotypical middle child. She, too, needs attention, but tends to be a loner. It takes a lot to get Blondie to purr. She used to not like me, and I think she resented that anybody lived in the house besides her and Jonah, but she's mellowed and warmed up since I moved in. If she were human, she would be the rebellious child that stays holed up in her room listening to heavy metal music. She would break curfew and not do well in school. She would probably whine about how hard her life is (even though it isn't) and complain to us about how other parents let their kids do the things she wants to do.

Chaplin (or Chappy) is our youngest. She has boundless energy and seems to be afraid of nothing. She is a bit of a daredevil and always wants our attention, but never wants to be held. She's extremely curious and mischievous. She's always on-the-go. If she were human, she would be the young kid that's always yelling, "Dad, watch me do this! Dad, watch me!" She would constantly be getting into things and would be our hyperactive child.

Jonah and I play this game where we imagine our three cats have a nightclub act they do when we are away. As soon as we leave the house, they call all their cat friends and set up tables and a stage and perform cabaret numbers. We imagine that Trooper is the leader of the group, but that Blondie has secret machinations going on to figure out how to steal her spot or, even more daring, go solo.

We like to imagine the three of them singing "You Could Drive a Person Crazy" from Company. We imagine Blondie sitting backwards on a chair with a blue spot on her singing "Falling in Love Again" a la Marlene Dietrich or singing "And I Am Telling You" from Dreamgirls.

Trooper likes more traditional music while Chappy is trying to bring more edgy stuff into the act. Sometimes when we hear a particular song on the radio, we try to imagine which cat would sing it. Just yesterday we heard "I'm Almost Over You" by Sheena Easton (Blondie) and "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga (definitely Chappy).

This endlessly entertains us and we're always cracking up about it. I don't know why we think it's so funny.

And then, of course, we come home, and the cats are about their usual business, never suspecting that we know about their secret show business life.

No Glee For "Glee"

I should like "Glee." I really should. I love music. I love musicals. I enjoy pop music. I like musical numbers and ones that are well-sung. I was in show choirs. The show celebrates diversity, of which I am a fan. And it seems like "Glee" appeals to a number of gay people, and I am, after all, gay. But I just can't seem to get aboard the "Glee" train. I've tried to board several times, and I just don't seem to connect with the show.

I've tried watching a few episodes, and I've seen clips of musical numbers from the show. While I appreciate the hard work that obviously goes into the show and the talents of those involved, ultimately the show is just too cheesy for my tastes. I find the writing to be a bit weak, and although the show tries to create three-dimensional characters, they more often than not, come off as very two-dimensional and more like stereotypes than real people. Granted, I'm basing this assessment on the few episodes and clips I have seen.

I want to like the show. But I don't. That being said, I am glad people do enjoy it and that it brings them happiness. I'm also grateful for a show, whether I personally enjoy it or not, that celebrates music and dance and tries in its best way to deal with current social issues. I'm glad it's popular. It's just not my cup of tea. My apologies to any Gleeks out there.

Those In Need Of A Helping Hand

I had a strangely moving experience yesterday. I'm not one to cry easily, but for some reason this one really touched my heart and caused me to sob for a good five minutes.

Jonah and I were picking up some things at Home Depot, and this black man tentatively approached me as we were getting into Jonah's truck. The man had an enormous stutter and started off by telling me he meant me no harm and that he had approached several people, all of whom were afraid of him and thought he meant to do them harm. He struggled to get his words out and explained that he had a speech impediment. He was trying to tell me what his problem was and really got hung up on some words. He seemed panicked, embarrassed, and desperate. I told him to calm down and just take his time.

Basically, the gist of his situation was that he needed bus fare to get home. I asked him how much he needed. He thought he needed about $1.40 to meet his $2.00 bus fare. I had enough change in my pocket to accommodate him and asked him if he needed more. He said he did not and tears were welling up in his eyes as he thanked me and said, "God bless you." I replied, "Hey, we all have to help each other, right?" He was crying as we walked away, so thankful for what for me was a very small gesture. It broke my heart.

As I got into the truck, I broke down and just started bawling. I was amazed at how deeply this man's predicament and desperation had affected me. What struck me most about this man was how sincere he seemed. It was like I was able to peer into this man's very heart and see that his intentions were pure; that he was simply a man in a bad situation who hadn't been able to get anyone to help him out. I know there are a lot of shysters out there, but I am absolutely convinced this man was telling the truth and was simply desperate to get bus fare home. How he got in this situation I do not know, but I do know he felt helpless and misunderstood and just wanted to go home and that people had been afraid of him because of his manner and had, therefore, been unwilling to help him out. I felt deep in my spirit that this man was a good man in a difficult situation, and I was thankful that my small contribution was able to help him out of his bind.

I admit that when he approached me, my first reaction was to say, "Sorry, man, I can't help you out, whatever it is you need," but within seconds of his talking, my heart softened and I knew I needed to help him.

It took me a long time to recover. He had touched my spirit so deeply that the tears would not stop. It just reaffirmed my desire to help my fellow man when he needs help. And there are so many out there who are in desperate need of help, and if we can help them, we should. Often, it's the smallest thing that makes the biggest difference. My heart just ached for all the souls out there who are in need of help, and how we often (myself included) are too busy or too preoccupied or too judgmental to lend a hand when we can.

It reminds me of an experience I had this past summer. As I was driving home from work, I saw a young teenager at the freeway exit holding a sign that said something akin to "anything you can do to help would be appreciated." Now I've seen homeless guys at freeway exits before and didn't think much of it, but this kid really made me think twice. I actually ignored him the first day I saw him, but he lingered in my head, and I promised if I saw him again, I would do something to help him.

The next day he was there again, and I drove to McDonald's and got some food and then came back and gave it to him along with some money. He thanked me and said "God bless you," and I felt he was sincere. I really felt prompted to ask him how he got here and if there was anything else I could do to help. I keenly felt he needed a listening ear. Sadly, I did not heed those promptings. I always wish I had.

I saw him one more time after that and then never saw him again. I assume he moved on. But I wonder where he is and if he's in a better or worse place than he was when I last saw him. I'll likely never know, but I'm glad God knows each of his children and where they are and what they are in need of. I just hope we can all follow the promptings we get from the Lord when we're asked to help one of our brothers or sisters.

Tacky?

So on my aforementioned visit to Calico, I saw the following plaque in a gift shop:



In case you can't see it clearly, it's Jesus on a crucifix, and it says, "I asked Jesus 'How much do You love me?' 'This much,' He answered. Then He stretched out his arms and died."

While I understand (and can even appreciate) the sentiment, there was something about it that just seems weird and tacky to me. Maybe it's just me (although Jonah thought it was weird, too).

It kind of reminds me of this time I went to the Festival of Trees during the holidays. One of the trees had a black and white sketch of a family with Jesus. That doesn't sound too bad, does it? What made it tacky to me was that whoever had drawn the picture had most likely taken a formal studio portrait family photo and sketched it and then drew Jesus in the background, so it made it look like Jesus and this family had had their picture taken together at Sears or something.

Again, while I can appreciate the sentiment of a family having Jesus so closely in their lives that He is always present with them, even when they're getting a family photo taken at the JC Penney Portrait Studio, something about the picture just made it come off really tacky.

So what do you guys think?

A Fun Diversion

I sometimes drive to Los Angeles to audition for various shows, and every time I make the drive to and from my home, I pass an exit near Barstow, California called Ghost Town Road. There are billboards going both ways advertising the ghost town of Calico, a ghost town that was founded in 1881 as a silver mining town and completely died down in 1907.



Anyway, every time I pass the signs advertising this ghost town, I want to check it out. However, I'm usually in a rush to either get to L.A. for my auditions or to get back home, so I never stop.

Yesterday morning I had an audition for Mamma Mia. The audition itself didn't go as well as I would have liked, but them's the breaks, ain't they?

In any case, I got out of L.A. quite early, and as I was driving, I thought to myself, "Today's the day. I am going to check out this ghost town." I called Jonah, who was still back home, and told him I wouldn't get home until later because I was going to check out the town.

The town itself is only three miles off the freeway, so it wasn't too far to get to. I had no idea what to expect. In my mind, I didn't necessarily picture the town as a big tourist attraction, but more as the lonely remnants of a town that once existed. It actually turned out to be more the former than the latter.

It cost $6 to get in, which seemed reasonable enough. It turns out that most of the town has been replicated from photos of its original structures, so there aren't that many buildings that are actually the original buildings (and even less, I found out, since a fire in 2001 took out some of the original structures); but, still, there are some original buildings (five, I think).

I discovered that 1951, Walter Knott (the founder of Knott's Berry Farm Amusement Park in Anahiem) bought the town and restored it to its original condition using old photographs of the town. In most cases, replica building were built on the foundations of the original buildings.

Still, even if a lot of it was just replicated, it was still a lot of fun. And it was such a nice day (sunny with a bit of a breeze - lovely!). The town was filled with shops, a museum, and some cheesy attractions (such as panning for fake gold, going through a mine, and a train ride). But it was very enjoyable, and I spent a good hour and a half there.

I bought some horehound candy (which I've had before and quite like (Jonah is not a fan)) and walked around the town. There was a cool replica of the original schoolhouse. I talked to one lady who gave me quite an interesting history lesson about the town and some of its inhabitants (its last original resident died in the 1967, but she had lived in the town from the age of ten; left in 1899; and then returned in 1916 when the town was a true ghost town and still lived there when the town was turned into a tourist attraction and often shared stories from when she lived there as a little girl. I thought that must have been quite marvelous to hear a firsthand account of life in a mining town in the late 1800s.

I helped the proprietor of a store that sold wooden items, including puzzles, solve a puzzle a friend of hers had given her. She was so frustrated by it, but I saw the solution pretty quickly, and she was so grateful I had figured it out for her that she gave me a free item called an "idiot box." I thought that was nice of her.

A ranger was giving tours and pointing out interesting sites. There was also a really nice scenic point that overlooked the whole town. It was really interesting and a lot of fun, and I was so glad I had finally taken the time to do it. My only regret was that Jonah wasn't with me. I think he would have enjoyed it, too.

Sometimes you just gotta take a diversion. This one was worth it to me. I had a very fun day.

Horchata - Elixir Of The Gods

I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned it, but Jonah is Hispanic. A popular drink in his culture is horchata. If you don't know what horchata is (I didn't), it's a rice-based drink with cinnamon in it. Jonah and I were at a Mexican restaurant a few months ago, and he told me I ought to try it. So I did.

OH! MY! GOSH! BEST! DRINK! EVER!!!!

How can I describe it? It kind of tastes like a liquid form of rice pudding or custard or tapioca (all of which I love). I can't really explain it. I just know it's delicious.

Trouble is, now I'm addicted to it. (That's all I need. I'm already addicted to ice cream.) And horchata is not the cheapest of beverages. Now I'm drinking it like water. I can go through a half gallon in a day if I'm not careful.

Even worse, it's fattening. (Of course it is! Everything I love to eat or drink is fattening.)

Anyway, I've gotta be careful. I'm already turning into a blimp. I've gained at least ten pounds since I've been home with Jonah. (Sidenote: I ran up and down our stairs tonight to get some exercise and discovered just how incredibly out of shape I am. I thought I was going to die!)

Anyway, I thank Jonah very much for introducing me to horchata and also curse him forever for introducing me to horchata.

:-)

Letting Go

Jonah and I both tend to be hoarders. We're not so bad that it's any kind of disorder, and our house doesn't look anything like the ones you see on TV shows such as "Hoarders." But we do collect stuff, and we do hang on to things. We both can be a bit cluttered (although I think my clutter is a little more organized than Jonah's, but clutter nonetheless).

I can't speak for Jonah, but I often hang on to things for nostalgic reasons. I have most of the cards people have given me over the years; I have a collection of mementos people have given me during shows I've been in with them; I probably have every receipt, bank statement, and billing invoice I've ever received for the last seven years; I have an immense collection of Star Wars memorabilia; I have most of the newspaper clippings about not only me, but people I know in the theatre for the last 20 years or so; I have tons of scraps of paper with various information that I intend to transfer to a more organized system...some day; I have about a hundred VHS tapes, some of which I intend to transfer to DVD; I have a collection of DVDs and books - most of which I rarely rewatch or reread; I have a box of stuffed animals from my childhood; I have about 40 or 50 photo albums; and until today, I had 16 years worth of Entertainment Weeklys that I've just hung on to...in case (of what, I don't know).

Living with Jonah has been an eye opener (in a good way) for me. He has more clothes than anyone I know; he has tons of assorted knick knacks and collectibles, many of which are displayed, but others that just sit around waiting to have enough room to display them; he owns a myriad of decorations and craft supplies; and we have a garage full of stuff that we intend to use one day, but haven't yet.

I am in no way pointing the finger at my spouse. I am just as much of a hoarder as he is. If anything, I am pointing the finger at myself; but being surrounded by some of Jonah's clutter has really inspired me to get rid of some of my own. Jonah can do as he pleases with his own stuff, but I am going to try to make a concerted effort to get rid of a lot of my own.

I realized that for much of my life, because I travel for work, I have lived much of my life out of a few suitcases, and you know what? I have survived just fine.

So I was asking myself, why do I hang on to stuff that really has no purpose or great use in my life? My mom has said about certain things I own: "Oh, that will probably be worth money someday." But even if it is, is that why I hang on to it? My Star Wars collection, for example, is cool and actually is probably worth some decent money, but I've never collected the pieces I own for the money. I've never had any intention of selling it. I just enjoy collecting action figures and toys and other assorted memorabilia. I've never even had room to display most of it, so even though I would like to display it, that isn't really the reason, either. And really, when I'm dead and gone, of what use will it really be to anyone?

Heaven knows why I hung on to my Entertainment Weekly magazines for so long. Did I really think I would go back and reread any of them? I think I did. Well, let me say, in the 16 years I've subscribed to the magazine, I've probably gone back and reread an article three or four times. Not really a good reason to hang on to 346 pounds of magazines. I probably spent $800 or so on those magazines over the years, and today (except for fifteen or so that I wasn't ready to part with at this time) I sold them to a recycling company for $19. And you know what? Totally worth it. Getting rid of that junk felt great. Even more surprising, I thought it would be hard to let them go. It was a relief. And it has spurred me on to get rid of other things.

I'm going to get rid of the cards I never read, the tapes I never watch, the books I know I'll never read, shred the financial records that I know are of no use to me anymore, etc. It needs to happen. I long for a simpler life, filled with less clutter and extraneous crap.

There's always that nagging feeling that's my biggest obstacle to getting rid of stuff: "What if you need it someday? If you throw it away, you'll regret it because there will come a time when you need it for something." Bullcrap. If I haven't used it in the last 2, 5, 10, 20 or 35 years, why would I believe I'm ever going to need to use it in the future? And even if I do find I wish that I hadn't gotten rid of something specific...oh, well! It's gone now. Can't do much about that.

Jonah and I got rid of five bags of clothes a couple of days ago and threw out three full garbage cans of useless stuff, and it felt great! And I discovered something; it's so much easier to help somebody get rid of things they don't need when you're not personally invested in them yourself. I told Jonah I need him to help me get rid of my junk because he has no attachment to it and will see it for the junk that it is rather than the nostalgic or practical excuses I project on it.

I just rewatched the TV show "Lost." I loved it when it was on TV and loved it even more when I watched the entire series on DVD. One of the themes in the show is "letting go"; letting go of the things that hold us back or prevent us from moving on. This hoarding stuff, along with "Lost" made me think, too, of the non-material stuff we hold on to: guilt, anger, shame, embarrassment, fear, regret, etc. What stops us from moving forward, wherever that may be?



One of my biggest fears is looking stupid in front of other people, and it often cripples me. I care too much how other people perceive me, and I don't want to do anything that will make me look dumb. It gets in my way more than it helps me, and I think if I were to let it go, I would be more free and I think I would be a better actor in my career, for example.

Although I haven't let go of the LDS Church (and won't as long as it feels useful to me, which it currently does), I did let go of a lot of the shame I felt in being gay; I let go of my need to please other people and my religion at the expense of my own well-being; I let go of feeling I had to do things out of duty or obligation rather than of want or desire; I let go of the fear that my mortal and eternal life would face destruction if I gave in to allowing myself to love another man; and I am trying very hard to let go of selfishness and laziness, which I'm still working on.

But life has been so much better letting go of certain things and trusting God and in his plan for me. There are some people that need to let go of religion or people in their lives that hold them back. I say if that's what they need to do, who am I to judge? By contrast, there are people who let go of a religion or a person, but still hang on to bitterness or anger regarding their relationship towards that religion or person. Have they really let go then?

I don't judge. Some people would accuse me of holding on to a religion that does me no good; I think they're wrong, but that's their opinion. Recently, an individual came down on me for continuing to attend a church that he felt treated me badly. He was certainly entitled to that opinion, but I found it ironic that the anger and bitterness he held toward the LDS Church bound him just as tightly to that religion as he was accusing me of being bound to it. I'm quite sure I know which one of us has more peace in his life as far as the Mormon religion is concerned.

Anyway, I've really been thinking of the value of letting go of the "stuff," both material and spiritual, in our lives. I'm vowing to do more to get rid of those things that are no longer of any use (or were never of any use) in the first place.

In any case, I have a closet to clean out now. See ya!

My Other Ward, Part II

Church was really good on Sunday. I quite enjoyed it. Sometimes people ask me why I still attend a church that has basically rejected me. I don't really see it that way, and I still like going and still get a lot out of it.

I especially felt the need to go on Sunday because I was feeling kind of hard-hearted about something and thought a day at church would help me feel the spirit. It did.

Again, I just love how welcoming and friendly the people in this particular ward are. I really admire it. I love, too, how diverse the ward is. So many colors and unique individuals in the palette. Not what I'm used to seeing in Utah.

A youth speaker was the first one to speak at Sacrament Meeting. There is little doubt in my mind that he is gay (or will realize he is soon). Furthermore, his name was Halston Hightower (mom and dad, if your last name is Hightower, and you name your boy Halston, you're pretty much begging for him to be gay; you might as well have named him Clea).

Anyway, his talk was about missionary work and his desires to go on a mission. I'm curious what his life will be like ten years from now.

The next speaker gave a terrific and unexpected talk about immigration. Hers seemed to be a pro-immigration position. She talked about how our ancestors immigrated to this country in search of a better life, and that today's immigrants were doing the same. And while she did stress that the laws of the land should be followed, she also stressed the compassion and love we must have toward our neighbors from foreign lands. While the immigration issue is a tricky one (and she stressed that, too), I really liked what she had to say and was kind of surprised to hear such a talk in Sacrament Meeting (but thought it was very well-done). I'd be surprised to hear such a talk given in many Utah wards.

The Young Women sang a song, which was...meh.

The next speaker gave a talk on temples, which I wasn't into as much, but was still good.

Sunday School was about the Beatitudes, which I like. There was one woman in there who brought her granddaughter in, and that kid was LOUD! Really loud. And the grandmother made no effort to quiet her down. It was very distracting. The girl practically screamed, "I WANT TO GO BACK TO PRIMARY!" and I thought, "Why did she bring her here then?" Eventually, the grandmother relented, and the kid went away, and the lesson was much better after that.

When I volunteered to read a scripture, I was then asked to give my opinion about it. It was the one about blessed are they that thirst and hunger after righteousness, for they will be filled , and I made the point that Christ didn't say "Blessed are they who are completely righteous" or "Blessed are the perfect," but, basically, "Blessed are those that want to be righteous or who are trying really hard to be righteous, but might be failing in some aspects." Although somebody else later made the point that the 3 Nephi version says "they will be filled with the Holy Ghost," I was saying that those that lack in complete righteousness will be "filled"; that is to say that Christ's atonement will fill in the parts that we are unable to fill in ourselves.

In any case, I spoke for probably less than 45 seconds and said nothing different than I would have said if I was still a member, but it felt really nice to vocally contribute to the discussion.

I've mentioned this before, but another thing I really like about the ward is how active these members are in contributing to the class discussion; and not just standard "Sunday School" answers, but thought-provoking and thoughtful stuff. I've been to many wards (including my mom's ward, which I still love a lot) where people either sit like bumps on logs or just give pat "Sunday School" answers. I like the Sunday School lessons here, and like I said, it was really nice to actually be part of the discussion for just a brief moment - something I know will not happen often.

Anyway, it was a really nice day at church, and I was really grateful I had gone. ...and yes, it did make me feel better.

I spent the rest of the day cleaning part of mine and Jonah's house. It seriously needed it. We still have a way to go, but it was nice to clean our environment a bit.

My Other Ward

I went to my ward in my home city today, and it was kind of nice. I like the ward because people are always very welcoming, something I haven't always found in some wards I've attended in my life. All three of the bishopric came up to me at separate times to welcome me, and two of them (the bishop and one of the counselors) remembered me from when I had attended before. The guy behind me struck up a conversation with me, and we chatted for a bit. So it was just nice to be fellowshipped. Of course, I feel that way in Mom's ward, too, since many people there know and love me, but some wards haven't been so friendly. For example, I attended the ward in another town for almost eight months, and not very many people ever acknowledged me. I even remember times when the bishop would go out of his way to talk to people he was already acquainted with who happened to be sitting, respectively, in front of me and behind me, but he would skip me. I thought it was odd, and I was also surprised that people in such a relatively small town - people who seemed to know one another well and had a reputation for friendliness - would not acknowledge me. On the other hand, I was freshly excommunicated when I started attending and didn't really want to get to know people or have them know me, so God probably knew that's what I needed at the time and thus didn't inspire those members to get to know me better.

But in this ward I'm attending right now I have always appreciated how outgoing the people are here and how they seem to go out of their way to welcome visitors. Anyway, I felt very welcome, and that was nice.

Then when the meeting started (Sacrament Meeting is first), the bishop reminded the congregation about reverence and the importance of the ordinance of taking the sacrament, and I appreciated his words and how he set a more sacred tone for the meeting.

One things I don't like about the ward (and many wards) is how lackluster the singing can be. This ward in particular is not very loud or enthusiastic, in my opinion, when it comes to hymn singing. That's actually one of my favorite parts of church, and I can be rather exuberant when I sing. I felt like I was too loud today, that's how soft I feel everyone sings in this ward (and it's not a small group of people, either!)

After the sacrament, there was a youth speaker (his talk wasn't too memorable) and then a woman spoke. Her talk was pretty good. It was about freedom of religion, and it got a little political at times. I didn't agree with everything she said, but I thought it was a well-constructed, well-spoken talk, and I appreciated that.

There was an absolutely gorgeous musical arrangement of "I Believe in Christ" played by a pianist and a cellist. The pianist also told us to read the words to the hymn while they played, and that did make it more meaningful. But it was such a beautiful, moving arrangement, and I really felt the Spirit.

The first lady who had spoken had given quite a lengthy talk, and so the meeting was nearly over when the second speaker got up. He kind of accused her of only leaving him with five or six minutes, and so he said he would just tell a story. He ended up talking for ten or fifteen minutes, and based on his talk, I was glad the woman had taken some of his time.

The story he told was about some famous hockey coach who had taken some kids who hadn't originally gotten along and turned them into an Olympic-winning team. When they won the gold medal, they said that was their proudest moment. When the coach was asked what his proudest moment was, he said it was taking this group of 20 young men with different attitudes and beliefs and goals and making them "as one" and turning them into a unified team. This story would have been well and good if it had had anything to do with the rest of his talk, but then he started talking about food storage and 72 hour emergency kits, and I couldn't see what one had to do with the other. It wasn't a very organized (or terribly interesting) talk, but maybe that was a consequence of his not having had enough time to give it. Anyway, I was nonplussed.

Sunday School was pretty good. No one in this ward knows I've been excommunicated, and so I considered "cheating" and giving comments on the lesson. It's not like I would say anything divisive or controversial, and they wouldn't know better anyway. But honestly, I didn't have anything noteworthy to say and "cheating" didn't seem right to me.

The lesson was about miracles that Jesus had performed, and it was interesting. One lady made a comment (I can't even remember what it was in response to) that sometimes the Lord gives us what we actually need and not what we're told we're "supposed" to need, and that comment touched me a lot because I feel that's exactly what the Lord has done for me - he's given me what I actually needed; not just what the Church told me I needed to be happy. I guess, bottom line, is it reaffirmed what I already know: God knows what I need better than any man or institution does, and for that I am grateful; however, I continue to love and sometimes defend the LDS Church even if I don't always fit in the "Mormon box."

There is a lady in this ward (actually, she's the one I made the comment I just wrote about) who often gives the Sunday School lesson (she didn't today), but I love her energy and personality. I like her and what she has to say, and I was glad she was still in the ward. I hope she's still a Sunday School teacher because I enjoy her lessons. Anyway, I was glad she was there and grateful for her contributions to the lesson (as well as the others in the room - another thing I like about the ward is there are a lot of people who contribute to the discussions in Sunday School class).

I didn't go to Priesthood. I don't attend Priesthood regularly. In fact, two or three weeks ago was the first time I had attended Priesthood in several years. Unfortunately, this did little to make me want to go again, so I think it will probably be some time before I go back to Priesthood meeting.

Jonah's nephew-in-law had a birthday today, and we celebrated with Jonah's extended family at our house. I'm getting to know his family better, and they have treated me very kindly. I know some are aware of our relationship, although I don't know to what extent, and I appreciate that they have treated me like a family member. It means a lot.

I bought Jonah some special Valentine's gifts, and I am eager for him to open them tomorrow. I am also really grateful that we will get to spend both Valentine's Day and my birthday together this year. I'm really, really happy to be with him. I've missed him so much, and it's so nice to be home and not just feel like I'm visiting.

Anyway, Happy Valentine's Day to all.

Love you lots.

A Valentine's Miracle

I have been waiting for today for almost a week now. Several days ago a card came in the mail informing me that on February 12 (today), a local business would be giving away free boxes of chocolates. All I had to do was show my valued customer card that I have through them, and I would get my free box of chocolates. No catch. Just free chocolate.

I think Jonah thought I was kidding, but I've been talking about cashing in on my free chocolate all week, and sure enough when today rolled around, I said to Jonah, "You know what today is, don't you?"

He stared at me in confusion. "What?"

"FREE CHOCOLATE DAY!" I blurted in genuine excitement.

Jonah rolled his eyes, but was supportive in my bizarre desire to get what was most likely going to be a box of low-quality chocolate. Who cares?! It's chocolate...and it's free! What's not to like?

I'm serious when I say that our little excursion to this local business was truly the highlight of my day. It doesn't take much to make me giddy with happiness.

Jonah and I headed toward the elevators of this local business, and I was practically dancing with excitement. Jonah was giggling and rolling his eyes at my excitement over such a stupid thing. Stupid? Maybe. Free chocolate? Definitely.

As the elevator opened, an old man stepped out holding a red heart-shaped box of Russell Stover cheapie chocolates. Jonah and I entered the elevator, and the doors closed.

I squealed, "Did you see that?! He has the free chocolate!!" I knew we were just moments away from the miracle of free chocolate.

As we walked around this business, I saw several people pass me holding their red heart-shaped boxes...most of them old people. I was brimming with anticipation!

Finding the free chocolate was a bit of a challenge. It's a big business, and there was no sign telling us where to go. But like a heavenly beacon, an archway of pink, red, and white balloons suddenly appeared, and I suspected we were in the right place; just within reach of the free chocolate.

The irony of this promotion was that it was designed to reward locals for their patronage. Although this is my home, I am still a legal resident of Utah and have actually spent more time there than here. Still, I have my valued customer card, and that was all I needed for my free gift of chocolaty goodness.

There were security guards or employees directing all these pathetic people like myself towards our ultimate goal. One of them asked, "Are you here for the chocolate?"

I nodded and, just to make sure there was no catch, I asked, "I just have to show my card, yes?"

"Yes," he replied.

"FREE CHOCOLATE!" I thought. I noticed Jonah, who wasn't nearly as giddy as I was, pull out his card, too.

"A-ha!" I thought. "He wants the chocolate, too!" But not as much as I do.

Although they had stancheons and ropes set up to control a big crowd of chocolate lovers, I was fortunate to come when there wasn't a line at all. I was directed immediately to a table where a woman asked for my customer card and ID.

For just a brief moment, I thought my chocolate miracle might be thwarted by my Utah driver's license. They would know I wasn't a true local! They would deny me my right to free chocolate!

My brief moment of panic was eased when I was immediately directed to a room containing boxes and boxes of red, heart-shaped delight!

"Do I just grab one?" I asked in amazement.

"Here you go!" a man said, smiling, as he handed me my heart's fondest wish at that moment. "Happy Valentine's Day!"

I had in my hand a box of Russell Stover cheap chocolates (12, I think), and I didn't have to a thing to get it but show up with my customer card. It was like a Valentine's Day Miracle!

Jonah got his, too, and I carried both around, proud of my achievement! We had lunch, and I spent the trip home talking about our chocolaty miracle. Jonah simply laughed at me in amusement.

Here's my prize and me:



I haven't even opened my box yet. I thought I'd probably wait until Valentine's Day...although knowing me, I won't. The chocolates are probably just average. But who cares? In my book, any kind of free chocolate is a miracle to be savored, appreciated, and valued.

My gratitude is full. Happy early Valentine's Day, everybody!

Postscript: Jonah told me to make sure I don't re-gift the chocolate to him on Valentine's Day or else it will be a St. Valentine's Day Massacre. We'll see. ;-)

The Right To Change My Mind

I deleted my last post because I decided I was overreacting and being a bit too judgmental, which is exactly what I was railing against. If you didn't read my last post, it wasn't that important. You didn't miss much.

Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are

Lately I've been considering revealing my true identity on this blog. For five years you've all known me as Cody, but as I've said in the past, that is not my real name. When I started this blog back in 2006, my reasons for remaining anonymous were because I was still sorting out my feelings about my sexuality and the church, and I didn't want anyone to know who I was.

These days, I'm pretty much out to everyone who knows me personally, and I don't really have anything to hide. So why do I still remain anonymous here?

I'm certainly not ashamed or scared of revealing any aspect of my life anymore. I'm pretty forthright about how I feel about most things in my life.

I guess I continue to stay anonymous because the personal things I talk about here don't just affect me, but they also affect others in my life. If someone who personally knows me or one of my family members or friends and they happen to read this blog, and I say something personal about, say, my mom or my sister or a friend, then suddenly people who know them know things about them that maybe my mom or sister or friend doesn't want them to know. If it's all anonymous, then nobody is personally invested.

I think if I also reveal my real name, then suddenly all sorts of people who know me in my real life may come across this blog, and while I don't necessarily care who reads my blog, I think if I know a bunch of people who know me personally are reading it, then I will censor myself and my thoughts out of deference to my loved ones' privacy. It's not my own privacy I am concerned about, but the privacy of those in my inner circle.

Still, I'm mulling it over. I may reveal myself yet. We shall see.

Unemployment: How Sweet It Is! (And Other Stuff)

I am now unemployed...for two months, at least. I have another gig coming up in April. Normally, unemployment stresses me out a bit (usually because I don't make enough money acting to feel financially secure when times are harder). However, I feel pretty good right now. I've been steadily employed since May of last year, and I made enough that I was actually able to put some money away in savings. While I'm not rich by any means, I do have enough to get me through the next two months, and it does help knowing I have another job lined up. If I don't get a summer job lined up, I may start stressing then.

The other great thing about being unemployed is that I was finally reunited with Jonah, who I haven't seen for more than a couple of days since October, and knowing that I will have at least two months with him is, quite frankly, a luxury I am very happy to have.

Jonah came out to Utah, where I often work, and we kind of made a vacation out of it. He took the entire week off from his job, so we were in no rush to get back to our home in Nevada.

We spent our first night at my mom's house, and then we spent the next night at the Anniversary Inn (where we spent our honeymoon). This time our themed room was a pirate ship, and it was a lot of fun. We took some fun pictures. We ate dinner at the Rodizio Grill and did some window shopping. Our evening in the hotel room was a lot of fun and very relaxing. We took a bubble bath together in the very large tub (which also had a cute shower curtain that you had to unfurl like a sail) and drank sparkling cider.

We decided to get a room for the next night, too, because we got an incredible deal. We had our choice of all but two rooms, and we chose one called Room with a View, which overlooked Salt Lake City. The room was gorgeous with a very large bed and a big screen TV. We got complimentary cheesecake and sparkiling cider again. It was very romantic.

We spent that day in Park City (and it was colddddddd!!!) looking at art galleries and window shopping. We also bought some nice dress shirts because we would be going to an Evening with Stephen Sondheim that night.

We went to a special VIP reception where we would get to meet Stephen Sondheim in person. The food was really good, and there were a lot of people all dressed up. They had told us he wouldn’t be signing autographs or taking pictures, but I brought my camera just in case. When he came in, Jonah and I played it cool and showed some decorum, which is more than I can say for the crowd that mobbed him. I was afraid I wouldn’t get my chance because so many people were surrounding him.

However, I saw a break in the crowd and zeroed in. He was signing some guy’s book (which he wasn’t supposed to be doing), and as soon as his eyes met mine, I stuck my hand out and grabbed his (a bit too aggressively, I realized). I said, “Mr. Sondheim, I never thought I’d get a chance to meet you in person in my lifetime. I just want you to know how much your music and lyrics have meant to me in my life, and I think you are a genius.” I actually was misty-eyed by the moment, and Stephen Sondheim said to me, very sincerely, “Thank you. I can tell that’s very heartfelt, and I appreciate it.” He looked at my outfit and said, “And I’m so glad you dressed up and wore a tie.” If I’d been more quick-minded, I would have said, “Well, when you are meeting a god, you’ve gotta dress up.”

Anyway, I didn’t want to take too much of his time, and I knew there were others who wanted to meet him just as much as I did. I had asked Jonah to take a quick snapshot while I was talking to Sondheim. I didn’t care about the “rule.” This was my only chance to get a photo of Stephen Sondheim and myself, and I had seen other people do it already (at least I didn’t make him pose – although that would have been cool, too).

Some lady almost foiled our plan. She really liked Jonah's outfit and was trying to get a picture with him at about the same time Jonah was to take the photo of me and Stephen Sondheim. Fortunately, he got a really good shot.



Jonah has a knack for being a “people magnet.” It is not uncommon for complete strangers to come up to him and tell him their life stories and their personal problems. This evening was no different.

After the reception, we geared up for the main event, an interview with Stephen Sondheim. Sondheim turned out to be great, sharing anecdotes and stories from his career. I thought the lady that interviewed him was terrible. She was awkward and probably nervous. Sondheim gave terrific answers to not-so-good questions. It just seemed to me she was out of her element, and I wonder what the evening would have been like with a really good interviewer asking really interesting questions. I just left feeling that Stephen Sondheim was too much of a genius to be interviewed by someone so ill-prepared for the job. I thought, “This is the best they could do for someone of Sondheim’s stature?” Still, Sondheim came off great, and it was still a very lovely evening.

Between the interview and a question and answer segment, some University of Utah singers sang two numbers, “Children Will Listen/Into the Woods” from Into the Woods and “Sunday” from Sunday in the Park with George. I thought their performance was very cheesy and almost embarrassing. Still, Sondheim was a good sport and took it in stride (and maybe even enjoyed it). But I found it to be tacky.

The question and answer segment was very short, and again, I didn’t think the interviewer picked the best questions (at least, I’d like to think there were better questions than some of the ones chosen).

Still, I had a fabulous time, and even if the evening had just been my face-to-face meeting with one of my idols, it would have been well worth it.

Jonah and I had dinner with a friend at Village Inn, and that was very nice. After we said goodbye to our friend, we went back to our hotel and danced and made love. It was terrific.

I spent much of Wednesday cleaning and packing, and we did some more shopping as well. (Jonah loves to shop. Me? Not so much.)

Thursday was hard. I’ve been living with my mom while in Utah, and her memory is going. She doesn’t think it’s a big issue, but I think (and my siblings and in-laws agree) that it is a bigger issue than she thinks it is (I hesitate to write this here because she does read this blog). I’ve gone to her last two appointments with her doctor, who I’m not sure is the right doctor for her and who I think is a little “medicine happy.” I actually think one of the medicines he’s got my mom on, trazadone, an anti-depressant, is both unnecessary and may even be contributing to her memory issues. I also feel like he treats Mom like he’s never seen her before each time he sees her. I find his manner a bit off-putting.

Anyway, Mom canceled her follow-up appointment because she is tired of taking memory tests and because I’m not going to be there, and she feels like it’s me who is concerned with her issues. Anyway, I’m trying to get my siblings more involved.

Mom had to take her car in to get an emissions test, and she couldn’t find the shop even though I gave her simple directions and she’s been there many times before. She came home crying, and I felt really bad for her. But it also instilled in me a belief that this problem is becoming more serious even if my mom doesn’t think it is.
Mom has all sorts of excuses, but the fact of the matter is her short-term memory is terrible, and I see bits of her long-term memory slipping away as well, and I am especially becoming more concerned about her being on her own. She still does many things well, but I do feel her awareness isn’t as sharp as it once was, and I also see her getting confused about certain things more easily than she once did. I also worry about her driving, although she doesn’t drive much.

It’s helpful to her if someone is there to give her a nudge and help her with things. Unfortunately, I can’t do that right now, so I hope my siblings and their spouses will be more proactive.

It was hard to say goodbye. She’s enjoyed having me there, and I’ve enjoyed being there and helping her out. But it’s time to be with my husband, so I just pray things will work out well with my mom.

Jonah and I had a good drive. We stopped in Cedar City and had lunch and did some shopping. We also popped in on another friend in St. George. He and his partner have a gorgeous $2 million house which they can no longer afford. They used to have a multi-million dollar business, but are now unemployed, and I don’t think their relationship is going very well. My friend was really bummed about not getting cast in a show we both auditioned for (which I did get cast in). Anyway, he seemed really down, which is not typical of him. I felt bad for him, but it also brought home the lesson of living within one’s means.

When Jonah and I got home, we finished decorating for his niece’s baby shower, and on Saturday we had the actual shower. Jonah did a really nice job decorating and hosting it (I guess I helped decorate and host, but, really, I just do what Jonah tells me to do ;-) ).

Our cats were very happy to see both of us. I have missed them a lot.

I’m getting to know his family better and better each time I visit with them, so that’s nice.

I wouldn’t have been able to do a lot of the stuff I’ve just described if I weren’t unemployed, so it’s actually been a blessing. I am hoping to get unemployment benefits and maybe even find a temporary job to hold me over while I’m waiting for my gig in April.

Vacation’s over now. Jonah and I have a lot of work to do around the house these next two months. But I am very grateful to be back home.

Church Yesterday

So when I went to church yesterday, I attended Priesthood meeting for the first time in who knows how long. I typically haven't attended Priesthood in several years because my experience has been a lot of unprepared, boring lessons with a lot of guys I don't connect with; plus it's the earliest meeting, and I work late. It just isn't my bag.

However, yesterday was ward conference, and I thought we might have a combined meeting with a more inspirational lesson. I was right that it was a combined meeting. When the man giving the lesson stated that the basis of the discussion would be Boyd K. Packer's last talk in General Conference, I bristled because I wondered if it would head toward homosexuality-bashing, and when he started talking about the Proclamation on the Family and the things Satan does to weaken and/or destroy the family, I thought for sure we would be heading that way.

Much to my surprise, the topics of homosexuality or same-sex marriage were not mentioned once (although I have a feeling if there had been more time, they might have been mentioned). Instead, we spent most of the class talking about pornography and the dangers that come along with it.

I swear, there must be a massive pornography epidemic among members of the church because it comes up so often in conference talks and church lessons. In any case, the class didn't do much to change my lack of desire to attend Priesthood. Talking about pornography for 45 minutes didn't do much to make me feel closer to God.

Sunday School was good. We talked about John the Baptist. It was also a bigger group due to ward conference, and my friend (the same one who attended my disciplinary council), who normally attends another class, was there, and had some good comments. One thing I like about her is she's not one to give your standard "Sunday School" answers; she actually has thought-provoking comments to makes. One stake leader pompously answered a question as if he were an authority, and she rightly disputed what he said because the fact is his answer was not as definitive as he may have thought. I like that my friend isn't afraid to speak her mind. In any case, the discussion was more lively than usual, and I enjoyed that.

The talks in Sacrament Meeting were by our bishop and stake president, respectively; both men I know well. The topic was that this life is the time to prepare to meet God. I suppose these talks should have made me feel bad since, according to LDS doctrine, by acting on my homosexual feelings I am sinning, and therefore am probably not using my mortal probation the way I am supposed to be. Yet, as these talks were given, I felt very good about where I am in life, how God views me, and where I will end up. I am judged within the parameters of my own situation and knowledge, and I believe that there is much more to the plan of God and his perfect knowledge of our lives and circumstances than we realize. There was an assurance that as long as we are doing the best we can, that is sufficient, and I feel I am doing just that. It was nice to be reminded of that during talks which could have potentially made a person feel less sure of themselves. In fact, one of the biggest promptings I felt was that personal revelation is just that - personal - and as I reread the scriptures upon which our ward conference theme was based, I was uplifted.

32. For behold, this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors.

33. And now, as I said unto you before, as ye have had so many witnesses, therefore, I beseech of you that ye do not procrastinate the day of your repentance until the end; for after this day of life, which is given us to prepare for eternity, behold, if we do not improve our time while in this life, then cometh the night of darkness wherein there can be no labor performed.

34. Ye cannot say, when ye are brought to that awful crisis, that I will repent, that I will return to my God. Nay, ye cannot say this; for that same spirit which doth possess your bodies at the time that ye go out of this life, that same spirit will have power to possess your body in that eternal world.

It occurred to me that I am doing very much to "improve [my] time while in this life" and that I am perfectly happy that the spirit that possesses my body now will be the one to possess it in the eternities because my spirit is a very good, happy, and joyful one. If that's who I am in the afterlife, that pleases me immensely.

Anyway, it was a pretty good day at church overall.